#i just want some adults sometimes too
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oh shoot i forgot to edit that promo to say that i'm almost 32 oops
oh well same difference on this hellsite tbh
#anyways where are my fellow tired adults at#i just want other sane ppl in the same activity club and ''older'' age group.#no hate to you kids but sometimes i just want fellow mutuals who relate to the struggles of adulting (esp on your own!)#so we can all commiserate together sometimes#i'm fine with kids and younger ppl following me bc intergenerational friendships are good!#i just want some adults sometimes too#also i want people to realize that yes#i am adult. i have an adult's stamina for existing in this current world.#it is a very small amount of stamina.
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you ever wonder if the Glamrocks's face tracking acts up when they look at Glamrock-Freddy, like they'll look at his face, and the recognition will register as Freddy, but their systems for whatever reason or another think that there is a face overlapped on Freddy's do you think they see two small squares next to him, at his side, roughly child sized, but no one is physically there.... right...?
#fnaf#michael afton#five nights at freddy’s#glammike#crying child#elizabeth afton#i wanted to allude something to william but idk#would the glamrocks go into the sinkhole? maybe#maybe next to glamrock freddy alongside the weird overlapping face he has and the two kid height faces#there is a face tracking box next to him...standing#remember that post about the ghost hunters comin to the pizza plex? maybe the weird face tracking happens too...#im watching garret watts and Andrew's constant facial tracking anomalies inspired this post lol#anyways i really like the thought that despite being the most friendly Glamrock; Freddy has this......feeling about him#his AI was made just this year! programmed with cutting edge and top of the line technology!#then....then why does he go off script sometimes? why does he say things that wasn't programmed show dialogue?#how does he know about Mr. Afton? the killer from the 80's who committed heinous deeds?#Why does he speak as if he knew him personally? if his AI is just pulling stuff from online; Why does he speak with resentment about him?#IM SORRY I JUST LOVE THE CONCEPT!!#like just because this franchise has gotten more neon and sugery than ever; remember; lights can be blinding and sugar causes cavities#idk what that means just omg there is more horror potential than you think in the SB era of games if you look hard enough#off topic but back to freddy being a sweetie pie i think that its funny okay#freddy sasses adults okay okay but he isnt mean to kids okay maybe michael just idk; MATURED? maybe he just got some whimsy mkay?#listen if i was forced to be in a perpetual cycle of atoning for my own and my father's sins i would find any and all silver linings mkay#aw yeah this is sick i get to be a freddy mercury inspired glamrock bear WOOO#granted michael was probably tired of animatronic bands and pizza by fnaf 6 but ykkkkkkkk it.....could be worse? he could be his dad lmao#anyways headcannon michael listend to freddy mercury and this is the equivalent of cosplaying him scott told me so (trust)#tag rambles! theyre fun lol
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community college is so funny because half of the teachers are like "For this class you need to use lockdown browser for all quizzes and tests. You need to buy this 70 dollar textbook, and all papers turned in must be in APA format with a title page even if they're only 500 words long. I will not accept late assignments. Also you have a minimum of 4 assignments a week." and the other half are like "you don't need proctoring for the final exam I trust you. here's a download link to a pirated copy of the textbook. as long as your writing is coherent and demonstrates an understanding of the material I literally could not care less what format you use. I can't figure out how canvas works so I'm not giving you due dates, just make sure it's turned in before the grading period ends. your only weekly assignment is a forum post with a minimum of 100 words."
#my favorite teacher so far is still the film history professor I had in my first semester.#he was very old and didn't understand how canvas worked at all and sometimes had trouble opening a video file#but simultaneously he was tech literate enough to recommend we use firefox with an ad blocker#because whenever someone missed class and was like 'where do i go to find the movie' he'd be like 'use an ad blocker and google it'#he said the school made him stop emailing links to free movie sites because people would open them on chrome with no ad block#and there'd be borderline malware on them. like this guy gave me the impression he was like. a veteran movie pirate lol.#that class had barely any assignments. like there wasn't a final exam or anything.#he just wanted us to write a paragraph or so answering a few questions about the movies we watched. it was chill.#and i also learned a lot actually. like i didn't know what a nickelodeon was before then. or the Hays Code.#the movies were genuinely good. i never thought Id be that into old black and white movies or westerns for example but they actually slapped#some of them had really mature themes and i definitely started to understand the people on this website who are like#'if the only media you consume is children's media you should maybe branch out instead of calling steven universe problematic'#because a lot of the movies we watched depicted very 'problematic' things and were able to directly address them because they are for adults#(to clarify I didn't just like kids media before then. i just mean that it introduced me to some older stuff i didn't think I'd like)#(but i ended up liking a lot. it also made me realize that movies made today are kind of shit. which i also already knew)#(but it put it more into perspective because I have more to compare it to)#im rambling now. community college is pretty swag i enjoy it. and i do get along with the teachers who have crazy requirements too lol.
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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"
#quote from MLP:FIW#sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day#sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids#my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit#step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER#<- like grades n shit#also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement#step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail#also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth#i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad#also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse#i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this#not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself#also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family#also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her#sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic#she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying#i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy#<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS#my sisters and i feel like shit#i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys#i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had#Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post
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anyways top two tips for finding media with well written female characters! 1) consume media written by women and 2) stop consuming things written for adolescent boys!!!!
#talk tag#‘women just aren’t written well’ says mha pfp GET OUT OF HERE#honestly the second you stop watching shitty anime made for little boys the amount of well written women is overwhelming#sorry you have the media taste of a teenager but the adults are talking#not to be too mean it gets to me sometimes#but honestly even if you exclusively watch shounen anime (why?) it isn’t like there isn’t anything that writes women well#tpn and csm instantly come to mind#both manga that were/are massively popular during their runs in wsj#csm is up and down but the depth with which fujimoto writes female characters still astounds me#asa you are so special to me#but this is to say i still think that people need to make branch out more and maybe start having like#higher expectations for their japanese media#if they want to keep on consuming manga and anime#but seriously at some point i’m just going to assume you’re misogynistic no matter what if you refuse to look at female characters ever#people assume depth for male characters when there isn’t any and call every female character bland
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2024 reads / storygraph
This Ravenous Fate
start of a sapphic YA duology set in 1920s Harlem, in a world where reapers (vampires) are the result of horrific human experimentation
follows a reluctant heir to a powerful reaper-hunting family, who has just returned from paris
and her childhood best friend who she hasn’t seen since she was turned and almost killed her five years ago
in the wake of a string of murders, they’re forced to work together to find out how they’re linked, and investigate rumours of a cure
#this ravenous fate#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#sapphic books#I thought this was pretty decent! I thought the concept of the origin of vampires and how it discussed Black oppression and#treatment of vampires; and discussions of class privilege etc was interesting.#The main characters and their dynamic was great! I liked the friendships (though they fell off a bit…) and some of the family dynamics too.#I found the plot and pacing a bit all over the place though.#And I’m not sure how much is the writing and how much is the narration but I didn’t LOVE the writing.#The narrator doesn’t pause between POV switches which made it hard to keep track of sometimes.#I found a lot of the adults (/antagonists) a bit too cartoonishly evil? Though that might also be due to the narration -#eg after a whole scene of her dad yelling at her his voice is described as ‘steady & calm’ & I was like oh…..so not at all how that was act#It might have come across a bit more subtle and nuanced without such dramatic acting.#some of the lore was a little silly (like they age til they’re 25 then stop aging….ok sure)#but also sometimes with vampires the point is to lean into those aspects haha!#it reminds me of these violent delights - like obviously the enemy exes solving a supernatual murder in 1920s -#but also writing wise (both good and bad)#I think if you just want a good YA urban fantasy enemies to lovers with Black lesbians? if you wanted first kill to be a bit better?#then yeah check it out!
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Last night, my boss called me out of the blue (he’s never done that before. It was like, almost 9pm and my sister and I were out eating at a restaurant in Chinatown. Well, we’d just left tbh.) asking if I was “coming in today?” And if “I need my hours,” like man, what? And tried to joke about the times where I’d text him to ask if I should still come in because the weather is bad and I can’t work the pool if it’s raining. They literally know this. I’ve been sent home because of the rain at least 5 times now, bro, stop playing with me. He said some shit like “you aren’t just doing that as an excuse to call off, right hahah?” And I just feel like that since they want to fire me, he’s trying to come up with an excuse to do so. He tried to take a jab at me asking by about the weather as an excuse to go into possibly “calling off too much,” even though I’ve never missed a day of work since starting this location. The only days I’ve missed are the days where they’d send me home because of the rain and that one weekend because I was gone for vacation, so they can’t use my attendance at all. I’m late sometimes (only because I’m tired of this place, man. I’m so unmotivated but I need the money orz. The good thing is that the leasing agents and those in higher positions aren’t there on the weekends. Only maintenance and the concierges and they don’t give a shit. I doubt they’d tell on me about being late since most of the concierges hate it there, too. They could gaf.) but my boss sounded like he was trying to see if I was going to coming in today (why wouldn’t I? I’ve been working the weekend for weeks now, what are you talking about 🗿…) so that he could try to have someone new work the pool to give them a chance to get used to it so that they could push me out/ fire me. Jokes on them, I might just call up my main boss on Monday and tell her that I’d like a new assignment because the work place has become hostile and it is now, making me feel uncomfortable.)
#really don’t want to be here anymore#I was talking to one of the other concierges yesterday about what the manager has been up to since I haven’t seen her in weeks and one of#the other leasing agents came over and was like ‘do you have the pool sheets ^^?’ be in mind#none of them besides the actual property manager has ever asked me that before at all they usually don’t care and are always busy#so why are you walking over to the front desk asking me if I’m about to go up stairs when you’ve never done so before#I just stopped the conversation that I was having with the concierge and walked off#I feel like they’re all spying on me now bro it’s weird af#ease dropping on me complaining to other concierges and shit it’s weird#I know that the other concierges wouldn’t repeat what I’ve said to any of them since again#they aren’t too fond of manager at all either and some of them have called him racist even#idk man#I’m really uncomfortable#rambling#omw to work rn#I already know that today is going to be annoying#Saturdays are always the busiest day at the pool#kids screaming and shit#idm but sometimes I’m just like uhhh kill me bro#it’s mainly the heat that gets to me tho the kids are barely a problem tbh it’s usually the grown adults being rude and stuff
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I work as the person in an amusement park who watches the children who get lost. Here’s some advice. This also applies to any mentally disabled adults that are under your care. Keep in mind that many places will not look for a minor ages 13-17 unless it is close to closing or they are disabled, as corporate considers it a strain on resources and employee use.
1. Teach them your phone number. Best gift you can give them. I’m not supposed to have my phone out at work but I can cut down dependent’s being-lost-time by probably 400% if I can contact you. It also assures the children That We Are Doing Something and that They Are Helpful and Smart. If your dependent has a poor memory, apparently writing your phone number in sharpie and then covering it in nail polish makes it stay all day, even if they’re sweaty or getting in the water. I haven’t tested this but I’ve heard a lot of moms recommend it. I’ve also seen bracelets with little plates or the beads saying the phone number.
Addendum: your dependent may tell you that they know your phone number, but they actually only know your passcode. True story. This summer has been a lot better, but last summer exactly one child the entire season knew his mom’s phone number.
2. Acknowledge that dependent’s memories are faulty, especially in new places. If you tell them to meet you in X spot or that your stuff is all in Y place, they may not remember where it is or remember how to get there.
3. All dependents, but especially little ones, have shit time sense. They might find your stuff, wait there for a minute or two, and truly believe that they’ve been there for an hour. Half the small kids that are brought to me are ones who *know* where their stuff is, but haven’t seen an adult they know personally in 5 minutes, so they’re going to panic.
4. Don’t take naps!!! And don’t let your dependent go anywhere you can’t go or at least go where you catch them at the end!!! Yes you’re staring at the play structure your dependent entered, but can you see them? No? Then there’s a good chance they went elsewhere. So many of the littler kids that are brought to me are brought by genuine, good-hearted strangers who see lost children and take them by the hand. Away from the spot you’re napping in front of/staring vaguely at.
5. This might just be something from my work, but we will not call dependent’s descriptions over the loudspeaker. This is because if an asshole were to see your dependent, hear the description, know it’s a lost dependent, and decide to steal it, they can then use the excuse, “I know where your guardian is! Come with me!” And then lead them out of the park or toss the dependent over their shoulder. Do you know how many crying and screaming dependents leave the location every day? A lot!!! We’re a fun location!!! We’re not going to know if the dependent is screaming because they don’t want to leave or if a stranger is taking them away. We might call the description over the loudspeaker if it’s past closing time and the dependent still isn’t found. But before that, we will only report it over secure radios across the park.
6. Tell a park worker right away. Preferably someone with a radio. Even if you spot the dependent within the next minute, that means the dependent will have less being-lost time. Especially if we already have the dependent with, you guessed it, me. Also please tell us when you find the dependent.
7. Take a picture of your depdendent at the start of the day! That way security guards can have a good idea of what to look for. One mother told me her daughter was blonde and showed me a picture. Her hair color looked brown to me, but then I knew what to look for in the crowd.
8. Keep at least one person in your group in one spot at all times, especially if you don’t have access to your phone or forgot to give out your phone number to the guards. That way they can find you if they pick up the dependent. If you are the only person in your group, then PLEASE stay in one place or at least stay with ONE security guard. It sucks for the dependent if they can’t find you right away even if the both of you are looking for each other and a guard is helping them. You are NOT helping if you panic and run around. And keep your goddamn phone on you and answer calls from unknown numbers!!!!! God. This is a good time to do that.
9. If you lose your dependent in an attraction like the lazy river at a water park, and you have that ONE person staying in place, then this is what you can do with 1+ mobile people.
A. If only one person can be spared to be mobile, have them pick a spot and stay right there, watching the river go by. Eventually, if the dependent is in the river, they’ll go by.
B. If you have two people that can be mobile, both start at the same place in the river and go opposite directions. If you meet up again without spotting the dependent, well, they’re not there.
C. If you have more than 2 people, you can do B but also station different adults at the lazy river entrances/exits.
10. Don’t blame the dependent! Even if they ran away and/or are pissy that you’re upset once you all reunite, trust me, there’s a 99% chance they’re upset too. Yes, this is a good time to have a serious conversation with them. Yes, if this is a repeated problem, and/or you warned them you’d leave the park if this occurred, you should not back down. But also - they’re dependents. They’re not stupid, and they should be told consequences and dangers so they can make good decisions, but they will never have the adult/guardian perspective that you do. Be kind.
Also please for my sake teach them if they’re brought to someone like me, that it’s THEIR job to be safe and listen to me while us park workers look for you. It’s YOUR job to find the dependent, not the dependent’s job to find you. I had a six year old little girl genuinely toddler-howl at me because she wanted to go look for her mom. I’ve never before heard a kid her age howl like that. I can trick kids out of crying 9/10 times but howling came as a surprise lmao. I think I can manage it now that I’ve experienced it but damn.
Also make sure those kids are DRINKING. Being in a water park is NOT the same as drinking water. They should be drinking every 15 minutes at LEAST, I am NOT kidding.
Also if I call you to tell you your kid is here, please don’t call or text me back after you have the kid. I’m sure other places have phones for these types of things but the only one I have is my personal phone. And I am happy to get the kid off my hands and into your arms, but I’m using my personal phone so plz. Don’t call me back. Absolutely call me if you need directions to my ‘office’ in the park. Don’t call or text me after. I have stories about that hoo boy but this post is already long.
#I am not exaggerating when I say howling#not in a wolf way more like a howler monkey if you have no idea what human toddler cries sound like#I like kids of all ages but there’s a reason why#I’m not going to teach elementary school#I am the person in the *place I work* where if a kid is lost#the staff brings the kid to me until the parents are found#so like. I’m never going to see these kids at their best#I wish I could just hug them but I’m barely allowed to hold their hand if I’m escorting them to get water#this time of year their emotions are heightened by the fact that they’re almost certainly dehydrated#but if they’re a flight risk I do NOT want to risk losing the kid#so I have to wait until#a coworker comes by to get them some water sometimes#the howler girl = this kid#this kid was reunited with her mom without too much time going by thank god#she was a huge fucking flight risk omg#she desperately wanted to go find her mom and I’m like#GIRL you are the lost six year old ITS YOUR MOM’S JOB TO FIND YOU!!! Your job is to stay safe!!!#and color this pretty picture oh god please look back at the coloring page instead of calling upon the hounds of hell#I like to assure every kid that is brought to me that#1. mom’s (or whoever) not going to leave without you (sometimes this is a lie judging from the parents.still very important to tell kids thi#2. they did the right thing asking for an adult’s help#3. as they are literally a kid it’s not their fault they’re lost (again a little debatable with the older kids but still they’re minors)(so#I tell them all this)#4. it’s their job to stay safe while we find your mom#5. now do you want some water?#it’s more obvious in the pale kids but I’ve had so many Black and Brown kids come up to me the last couple days looking positively pink#those kids needed water. so I try to get everyone water#it pisses off my coworkers but idgaf. everyone has a legal right to water in this state esp in the summer#and even if they didn’t#fuck you I’m stealing it. these kids need water
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along the same line as the whole "why do you need to know someone's autistic before you stop bullying them for their autistic traits?" thing I've seen floating around
apologizing for it once you know is meaningless. it doesn't change the fact that you deliberately mocked someone for their behavior.
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a customer mocked my stutter and I've lost all patience with that so I looked him in the eyes and said "I have a speech disability" and he immediately got all apologetic and was like "I wasn't making fun of you". Bro yes you were. you didn't realize you were making fun of a disability I've spent my entire life struggling with, but you were nonetheless.
just because you don't know you're being an asshole doesn't mean you're not being an asshole. you can apologize but I'm not going to forgive you.
#text post#stuttering#disability#ableism#color says shit#it's nice that my stutter mostly disappears when I'm angry because it lets me immediately put on my stony and guarded demeanor effortlessly.#anyway. most customers are at least condescending to me when I have trouble speaking. not outright rude#I've had a few customers that do genuinely mock me and then I just walk away from them and call a manager.#but like... apologizing when you've chosen to engage in asshole behavior doesn't change the fact that you've engaged in that behavior.#I'm not going to go “oh it's alright 😁” because you've realized that I don't think you're at all funny for that.#I'm done taking shit from anybody. treat me with respect or fuck off.#it's not my fucking fault I can't get a sentence out some days.#I don't care if it was done in ignorance you're an adult you don't get to be cruel like that.#like. haha yeah I know it's so funny when I start making noises and breathing funny but I'm not a spectacle for you to laugh at.#I'm not some side show. I'm not some curiosity. I'm not a roadside attraction to laugh at.#sometimes I forget I have such a hugely internalized reaction to being objectified in this very specific way#and then it happens and I want to leave a fist shaped dent in my locker.#I care too much about my hands to fuck them up again so I'll just vent on tumblr dot com instead
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I love how my unintentional excuse as to why Alestair and Idan never have to go to work is because they ran away and basically quit without notice.
#this has always been a part of the story though as the first ever thing I wrote with Alestair involved what happened#but Idan stops working there because of that#Mara's job pays a LOT and is hire based so she can do whatever#Vilissa is like the only character that has to regularly work LMAO#but also Vi wouldn't let Alestair get a job when they were dating#as for Fae she's a sex worker so she does it whenever#Fritz and Jer are employed but they don't even get heavily involved in helping until Love and that is explained away (thanks Vi)#as for other stoires#the children in Sunshine are too young to work#the parents do work and leave regularly but aren't really heavily involved#and the adults just take care of themselves with the stuff they have or work if they want (like Norie)#there is no currently running school in the castle (but there used to be)#Barle is a con artist so he would sell junk he fixed up but after getting kidnapped by Shika he doesn't really worry about that anymore#Shika and Fria have disposable income as they are just looking for Barle (Shika the princess and Fria a royal bodyguard)#and Charlie is a bounty hunter so he has freelance (and later a courier)#Flick and Millie are child and Nick is jobless and he's a bird currently so he just needs to eat a little#Ebers is a fortune teller so she does that whenever#also since Millie doesn't care about school she skips out after Flick shows up#And Flick is basically kidnapped so she doesn't got to school as she can't even go there#Seth is homeless and gets things out of making deals with others which he sometimes sell expensive items to get money#Lia and Giles leave behind their lives to adventure but were previously self employed (small businesses)#Myrtle is a Princess so she has that responsibility and disposable income#Sylas is a hunter but there isn't really any work to be done if most of the kingdom is under a sleeping spell#Nym uses the stuff that Elysa left behind in death but he was a Farmer back home not that he can get back home#Pokey runs the train station and the venue but he also isn't getting a lot of business from the inner kingdom#that's just the main stories lolll#every story has some kinda excuse about not working while the story happens
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It might just be a lot of things. I really don't know. I don't like not having any energy after work but it staves off a lot of our thought processes but at the same time I don't love it. It's tolerable but I want to be doing something else. I wanna be in the dirt and I want to feel the earth under my feet and I want to know she's listening to me and telling me it's ok and I want to take care of her like she's taken care of me. I want to plant trees and cut back weeds and learn to identify our native plants and I just can't do any of that and make a living. It's not even a volunteer opportunity for me. I'm just some random citizen who didn't even go to school for any of it. And I'm so lonely. I'm the loneliest I've been. I love all my friends online I do. Truly and wholly but it doesn't help the fact that I have no one around me irl. And it hurts. And I'm scared. And I am so small all the time. And I just want it to change.
#elias.zip#i think. that dreamis affecting me a little more than I thought it did. it really exemplified that I feel like everyone sees me as not tryin#g to make connections in my adult life but im in a dead town with an aging population i didnt grow up in or around. i can't find public even#ts that would get me around people my age. I can't drive still to go places anyways and I struggle so fucking with the entire process anyway#s that even with the stars aligned I fuck myself over anyways. I'm too weird. too quiet. too loud. not assertive. weird. weird. weird. werid#. just some fucking crybaby.#everyone's moved on from being anxious but not me. I can't do it. i try and try and try and try and push myself out of my comfort zone but n#obody wants new friends. and my interests are too niche. and i dont fit in and nobody wants to be friends with the baby because all he does#is cry and god I've felt worse moving here than i ever did back at the old house and it feels like I'm never going to get to see what cou#ldve been I'm stuck like this!!#sometimes i really wish i could just leave. leave it all. vanlife or backpack or something and learn why i was made to live as a human. i ju#st want to go back home. I wanna see my packmates again. I'll do better this time. Please. I'm sorry
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Why do I feel so immature compared to literally everyone I interact with. Why does everyone treat me like I am some naive baby that needs to be protected. Why does everyone act like I am incapable of putting myself out there to get things done.
#is it the way I dress? is it because I have different experiences than a lot of other people?#is it my hobbies? is it the way I talk? the way I carry myself?#my mannerisms?#I really hate it whatever it is#sometimes I wonder if it's something I am doing on purpose subconsciously to like protect myself from criticism#but I honestly hate it. I do not enjoy feeling like a baby#I do not enjoy being treated like a baby#this isn't really about anything in particular.. just some things that were said/done tonight and the way I was feeling with some people#and the way I've been feeling in grad school for the past couple weeks and some things that have been said over those weeks#and things people have said and done at my previous job#and things my family has been saying and doing recently but also other things they have done for years before this#and things people at church and camp used to say and do and the way they treated me#and even sometimes the way friends will treat me or talk to me or react to things I say or do#I am just tired of it. why am I infantilized like this. why do I feel it so much in my head too#I am an adult. I want to feel like an adult. I want to be treated as such#I am just frustrated#I am not stupid. I am not incapable. I am not naive. I am working very hard to not be such a pushover and address my anxiety#I am working to be better about self-advocacy and assertiveness and such#but its like all anyone else sees is a quiet helpless stupid child#is this a neurodivergent thing. is this like a 'oh you are so smart but you dont understand anything in the world at all' sort of situation#is it a white christian woman image thing? like a white woman tears thing? do people do this because I am emotionally manipulating them?#do I look like a small wet animal with the saddest eyes imaginable to other people?#I dont know. it bothers me a lot. I think about this so fucking frequently. I wish it would stop
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Disclaimer im just processing some thoughts im not cancelling the show
have almost thoughts about how i find the like....narrative on here that if you have chronic "zebra" conditions youd want a doctor like House and wouldnt sue for malpractice bc at least youd have a doctor that cares about whats wrong with you but lets take it one step further. so often he does NOT give a shit about the patient and actively endangers them frequently with his god damn heoric era of medicine approach? non zero amount of times he gets a diagnosis but it comes too late, or he gets a diagnosis after their first wrong 3 guesses of the episode shut down the patients kidneys and they either have to get a transplant or they are just, doomed due to other preexisting conditions etc? idk. i know ppl are almost certainly exaggerating and just letting off steam about the very real failures of our current medical systems and the ableism baked in and All That Shit. i just think its weird how ppl romanticize House who STILL, FREQUENTLY, MULTIPLE EPISODES will actively dismiss shit in the exact way that is a problem in our current system, especially when hes being Forced Against His Will To See Clinic Parients, he loves to be dismissive as fuck of symptoms and if he was a real doctor i think he'd be fucking 50/50 on cases he Notices Something To Dig Into vs cases he dismisses as an Anxious Hysterical Woman Who Wants Attention, the only reason he's Right so frequently in his snap judgements is cos it reinforces the narrative. its like a crime drama that has the mastermind serial killer masterfully using "loopholes" and lawyering up all sneaky and dodging Justice and if only our poor little cop protags were allowed to do A TEENY BIT of Justified Police Brutality, they could Save Lives!
and like sometimes in the show they will have a patient die despite his efforts to narratively punish him. not to mention, i think its been at least mildly brought up and glossed over how much they absolutely do not think about insurance costs for these ppl for the insane amount of tests that find nothing and Wrong Medications To Force A Diagnosis they use? i think it was brought up once in the episode following a day in the life of cuddy where she had to fight a lawsuit bc a guys insurance like didnt cover his thumb being reattached but chase reattached it anyway while in surgery cos it was The Right Thing To Do and the guy didnt have the money to cover it and the insurance wouldnt pay unless he sued the hospital or whatever. thats like the only time its come up. whereas like frequently the doctor I go to for osteopathic manipulation tries to check in with me and make sure im covered by insurance etc and that im not going to go broke or get buried in medical debt seeing her.
idk. just some Thoughts. not a defense of our current system and all the flaws it enables and enforces etc. his approach to medicine is really reminiscent to me of what I know of the Heroic Era Of Medicine which i dont...love? and hes framed on here as being an asshole but would kill for his patients to get them a diagnosis etc. but hes definitely extremely paternalistic to patients ? and despite some good clippable lines about ableism and being against eugenics, it honestly feels like his stance on that is kind of a toss up.
#toy txt post#AGAIN THIS IS NOT A DEFENSE OF OUR CURRENT SYSTEM NOR AM I TRYING TO 'CANCEL' THE SHOW#i am simply processing some Thoughts about it#and wishing better doctors upon all of you when you need them#doctors who Listen To You and who Put In The Effort and The Work to figure out why you feel like shit#who also arent calling you slurs the whole time and throwing random fucking medications at you that destroy your liver or whatever#but give them data. idk. like sometimes in the show it does seem like they need to do that! like the patient is actively dying and the risk#to info ratio is such that it makes sense. other times its like you like definitely couldve done other things to rule shit out but you#needed to fit this whole patient arc into a single episode#not to mention i feel like any doctor who approached shit even close to the way he does would Not have his success rate#no matter how smart the payoff would Not be worth it bc theyd kill more patients. they would not be getting lucky everytime. real life does#not have a plot narrative to fulfill if house treated you he'd just fucking kill you#also one more disclaimer I AM AWARE DR GREGORY HOUSE IS A FICTIONAL MADE UP BLORBO CHARACTER#AND THAT MOST OF THE PPL JOKING ABOUT THIS DO NOT NEED THE REMINDERS OR WARNINGS OR DISCLAIMERS ABOUT HIM ETC ETC#IM SIMPLY THINKING ABOUT HIM AND THIS SHOW AND REAL LIFE#and am only a little bit uncomfortable w the level to which his approach is romanticized on tumblr dot com. but i understand why and like#fair enough#anyway watching house MD is like a sawbones episode displaced in time and Very Worrying#i just have the finale of s7 left and then i will start s8#and i am dreading the aphobia episode. but it cannot be worse than the horrific intersexism and transphobic he's put on display right#right?#i guess its probably not worse in that from what ive seen on tumblr. he is being aphobic to an adult and not a teenager. so#also house is infuriating bc if you remove the doctor bit. i have met this man so many times and i want to kill him ♡#the guy who is just allowed to stampede through life being a total ass with no pushback or accountability and terrorize people#hes a bad employee and a worse boss#okay turning reblogs off on this cos i dont trust ppl. i think i have replies restricting to mutuals too so#that way this doesnt break containment and get misinterpreted
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honestly i think i feel more comfortable w things like "miss" and other generally more childish ways to talk about. female people? i dunno how to de-age it. anyway what i mean is that gendered expectations & gendered everything vary quite a lot depending on people's ages, and especially (assuming no abuse is going on) there can be kind of a "free pass" for non-conformity when you're a kid, just like there can be a free pass for all sorts of polite social manners until you're too old to like, play in the mud.
if you call me miss, you're playing along, you're being jokingly overly polite to a little kid who is clearly not old enough to need an honorific before their name. it's like you're calling me a teen or an adult. if you call me ma'am you're seeing a woman. you're acknowledging what you see. the primary point has shifted from age to gender. and i don't know if i'm really comfortable being perceived as very much solidly a woman.
#i hated descriptors that were ''too feminine'' as a kid#but i think i can look back fondly because well i was a girl#i was a tomboy and a lesbian and a girl in many many ways#regardless of the fact that i was a trans boy at least sometimes#or some kind of nb#but i don't know. i certainly want to go past that#and yeah adults are much more defined by gender-job-everything else#than kids. who are maybe more like age-personality-gender#(which i understand is not the experience of everyone but yeh. true for my life.)#homosociality and gendered sociality are factors then too but it can often be easier to break free from it#because as adults you are aware of it and able to analyze it and keep it in mind. whereas kids are often unaware.#or maybe i was supremely unobservant as a child idk#so that's the thing. i certainly don't reject everything of girlhood and womanhood#but i absolutely do reject this ideal reasonable adult womanhood where i'm supposed to cave to doing things the normative way#not only because i just don't like that way but also because it very much feels like disguising myself into something i'm not#i don't know#i don't think i'm fully a boy or a man or anything. or maybe occasionally at most. but it's comfortable not having expectations#of the kind of man i have to be#if only because me being a man makes me a trans man and people don't put expectations of manliness on someone they think is a girl#anyway fuck gender i'll never be free#broadcasting my misery#vent
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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Sometimes I think I must be a weird author because everyone keeps making "haha writing the middle part of the story is so hard haha the start and the ending are so easy baba" jokes but I never know how a story will end.
I start and then I write the middle, and then a logical conclusion happens.
#idk it's just so weird to me.#like how would i know how it ends when i don't know what these characters go through. i sometimes have like 10 vague ideas#for how it could potentially end but i never know and i never write the ending before the rest#maybe it's because when i write I'm usually sorting something out through it? so logically I can't know the ending because#I don't know the answer to my problems. im trying to find that. sometimes I don't find it#my first 'book' was written when i was just 8 so obviously it sucked and it was too simple but I'm using it as an example because#back then i struggled with abusive parents and peers who sexually harassed each other and the environment was full of bullying#to the point of some kids bashing another kid's head in#and the book reflected that. i felt confused and didn't understand. it was like my father was two different people#and all the adults encouraged that line of thinking. they kept saying that my father is a good person who loves me and that#only bad people do bad things. that family is always good. i liked my friends. i had good memories of times with them.#they were also cruel children who would relentlessly harass and bully anyone who was poorer than them or uglier or smarter or#who simply didn't agree with them. everyone seemed to want me to view people as either good or bad.#i was trying to think about it in the book. and you know I arrived at the conclusion that there are no such things at all#i realised that people are just people. that unfortunately the father who was nice to me was the same one who beat my mother and#yelled slurs at us. the people who were mean to me and others and who spread lies and convinced boys to beat people up for them#were also the people who were my friends. i found that everyone was capable of everything and that it's all just socialisation#the book ended in a way that reflected this.#this is the way i write most of my longer stuff. there is a question. there is a problem. i try to find an answer to it#sometimes there isn't an answer. sometimes there is. but the course of the story will reflect it either way
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