#i just needed to scream for a min | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

millionmienshaomontage · 4 months ago

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needless to say she is NOT having a funk fresh time

MASTERMIND WHIT BY @talkativeanonymous

MASTERMIND ACE BY @acethehorseishere

#this definitely isn't her final design #i just bashed it out in like 40 mins bc i need to get ready #but like the General Vibe is all there #close enough welcome back i have no mouth and i must scream #drdt #danganronpa despair time #digital art #million mienshao art #rose lacroix #art #drdt au #drdt fanart #rose drdt #mastermind rose

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dreamlogic · 2 months ago

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aye can i get a fuckin uuuhhhh

break. on my burger

#shit chat #family cw #got sicker than i have been in years my bank closed my checking account on accident work is nightmarishly busy #and my mother is sending strings of long voice memos in the family group chat again #i simply will not be listening to them. at most i'll ask my dad or brother for the sparknotes version #bc her pattern for the better part of this year has been radio silence. no attempt at communication whatsoever #and then BAM like 5-10 min worth of voice memos screaming crying sobbing shaking #I DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY CHILDREN TO FORGIVE ME. I'M CRAWLING ON MY KNEES ON THE DESERT FOR A HUNDRED YEARS REPENTING #WHAT THE FUCK IS FAMILY FOR YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I'M SUFFERING SO MUCH AND I'M ALONE BECAUSE #MY FAMILY ABANDONED ME. I HAVE NO ONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M BEGGING. I NEED HELP I NEED MY KIDDOS AROUND ME PLEASE I'M DYING #followed by several minutes of sordid updates on her shitty miserable life #which is tbf pretty shitty & miserable. she's extremely physically disabled & mentally ill #her partner had a severe stroke a couple months ago and is still recovering. they've both been in & out of hospital #neither working. partner's adult son who lives with them is the only income in the household #partner's permanently disabled mother also lives with them. plus 2 large dogs 6 cats and 3 each of chickens & ducks #they're in court suing their landlord bc he's trying to evict them but the property is an uninhabitable shithole to begin with #but like. whenever i do make the mistake of responding to one of her groupchat tantrums #she's just like 'oh you know me im a survivor :) i just miss yous is all :) now that you're here i'm gonna bitch about my life for an hour #and ignore everything you have to say and show active disdain & boredom whenever you tell me anything about yourself or your life :)'#and if i offer help she refuses it #like it's just a bid for attention. expecting unconditional love and absolution and salvation from us bc That's What Families Do #she doesn't actually seem to give a shit about any of us as real people. just this ironclad delusion of unconditional family support #that she frankly has not earned #my brother actually did go visit her in the hospital on thanksgiving. driving 2hrs out of his way to do so #and she was a raging passive aggressive bitch to him and threw the gift he'd brought her back in his face #ma'am i know you're Going Through It but so are the rest of us & frankly you've given me zero reason to want to interact w/ ur caustic ass #plus this is petty but yet another way in which she doesn't listen to me & makes no attempt whatsoever at genuine relationship #i've told her numerous times that responding to groupchat voice memos is hard for me. that i love & miss her #and if she wants to see me or needs help or whatever to please contact me one on one either by call or text #nope. refuses to respond to/initiate individual contact. ONLY traumadumping in the fam chat. TLDR MY MOM IS A DISFUNCTIONAL TOXIC NIGHTMARE.

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somecunttookmyurl · 1 year ago

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my body alert me to having an entirely full bladder with more than 30s warning challenge (impossible)

#it! is! so! annoying! just! be! normal! *screams*#genuinely i did piss myself as a kid a LOT until i was like. 10. no lie.#bc i would not know - at all! no inclination whatsoever! if i went anyway nothing would come out! - i needed to pee #until we hit 'you are going to piss yourself immediately'#just 0 to 100 in 0.35 seconds #and i did not have the control or muscle strength or whatever to not just. piss myself if i wasnt in immediate reach of a bathroom #i went though two. years. of 'bladder retraining' therapy #which is MEANT to retune you into signals or whatever so you know you need to pee with a fucking resonable amount of warning #spoiler: it did not do this #it did not improve the signalling at all whatsoever #what it DID do was develop the necessary strength and control to become doubled over with sudden OH GOD RIGHT NOW pee pain #BUT be able to hold it off for 5-10 min if necessary #which to the adults around me was a success bc it looked like i knew how to pee properly now #i don't. i just know how to NOT pee MYSELF and make it embarrassing. difference.#look man i'm 33 presumably there will literally never be a point in my life where i will know 'oh i kinda need to pee' an hour before #i will always be playing Highway To The Danger Zone every day forever #i just live like this #CHRIST it's so FUCKING annoying though #i mean this applies to all functions i have no internal signalling for anything until it is Super Right Now Urgent #my body notify me of anything at all ever challenge (impossible)#god if this aint the most annoying one though

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yoohyeon · 1 year ago

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𝕋𝕣𝕒𝕚𝕟𝕖𝕣 𝕄𝕚𝕟𝕙𝕪𝕦𝕜 𝕨𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕒𝕥𝕥𝕝𝕖! 🩵

Mine - Do not repost!

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pleasedontcareaboutme · 4 months ago

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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again

sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now

Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.

And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.

and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.

no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.

and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.

im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.

and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently

in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.

there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.

no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.

#you know it's funny #i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this #on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and #the friend that i lost last year checked my account and #i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me #because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry #bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man #i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot #but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also #i dont fit in that friendship anymore #but im still really greatful #for checking up on me even like this #*most of my life #noticed a typo #idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself #all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday #im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations #trying to convince myself that its oka #it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im #terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi #g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul #i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda #hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not #that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m #friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread #knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb #i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps #anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but #i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much

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orcelito · 4 months ago

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God, this is fucking crazy

So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.

Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?

I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.

I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.

It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.

So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha

#speculation nation #im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly #i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails #at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school #then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work #simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo #(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot #which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple #but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing #so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.

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butterflies-and-bumble-bees · 5 months ago

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#would really like it if my OC didn't make me freak out over my mom's book organization methods #(/the fact that she didn't remember which books were where when she put them back after we moved them so we could replace the carpet)#while I was already busy trying to get ready for work #and it culminated in me cutting my finger while trying to take the tag off of the bandana I want to wear tomorrow #because I was too frustrated at 'needing' to 'fix' the bookshelves #to pay attention to what I was doing #and also because said tags (there 3 of them bigger than most shirt tags... for a 1x1ft sqr of fabric)#were stitched on so tightly I couldn't get my seam ripper to catch the thread #and my mom asked me to calm down right after I pricked my finger trying to get the stiches out #and I ended up throwing the scissors and ripping the tag off the bandana #and yelling at my mom #while trying to explain to her what happened #and that I wasn't even mad at her #and she tried to distract me but that just pissed me off even more so I told her to shut up #and she got angry (which is fair- I did just scream about how much I hate myself and how she organized the books for like 5-10 min straight #and now my mom is mad and I hate my brain chemistry even more and also my throat hurts and I just want to go to sleep

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greaseonmymouth · 6 months ago

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today I learned that the eurotunnel is not, as I had (quite rationally) believed, a tunnel with a road through it that one can drive through.

no. instead of a road, people wanting to cross in their cars, have to…board a specially built train with their car. the train then travels through the tunnel. this whole ordeal comes with tickets needing booked and arriving x amount of hours in advance (as you would for a flight) and I’m just…..why. why was it decided that this would be the most efficient way to travel through a tunnel. why aren’t people just. driving through the goddamn tunnel themselves, like every-fucking-elsewhere in the world???

#this just complicates things!#and adds to the travel time!!#why the fuck are people required to hang around at the terminal before the eurotunnel waiting to board a train #WHEN THEY COULD JUST DRIVE RIGHT THROUGH THE TUNNEL #what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck #I was already annoyed that as a foot passenger travelling from St Pancras in London you had to show up 90 minutes before #like for a flight #and do that whole song and dance #how is that any easier than getting a plane? it’s not!!#and it costs the same or more than a plane ticket!!#so I never used the eurotunnel bc frankly it was easier and cheaper to just get a fucking plane #do you know what you need to do if you are in Copenhagen and want to go to Sweden?#you just get the train. you just get your ticket and get on the train and 20-25 min later you’re in Sweden.#no requirement to show up 90 minutes ahead of departure for a security check and passport control #and if you’re driving? YOU JUST DRIVE THROUGH THE TUNNEL #you only need one brief stop at the gates to pay for your crossing #none of that waiting around nonsense #why is the eurotunnel so inefficient I want to scream

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tackrusso · 9 months ago

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tack is whatever the opposite of doomed by the narrative is. he can’t die, both literally and in a deeper sense. and it’s not for lack of trying! he tries to sacrifice himself over and over and every time he’s propped up as the example that you Can’t Just Die. and though i think the end of chrysalis is uhhh…questionable, bringing everyone back means finally leaning into this role of rebirth and starting over (min tried to be this but ultimately needed to kill toby to finish the story). tack is the antithesis of extinction. he’s a fire you can’t put out. this was always going to be his role. he has no choice in the matter. it’s not even so much saved by the narrative as it is forced to return to the narrative until there’s no one left who needs help.

#which will be never because min will always need him #like everyone has to come back but it’s tack who illustrates this the most clearly #(you’d think it would be hector. which is part of why their potential dynamic slaps)#when he couldn’t die he tried to just take off and was dragged back kicking and screaming #and then realized he cannot leave. he’s bound there. doomed to live in a cabin under min for all eternity or something #in this essay i will #tack russo #max rants about project nemesis

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itshomobirb · 8 months ago

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"oh healing from trauma is easy, you just gotta [15 things that are inaccessible to you] and then keep working at it 😇"

#borbtalks #locking myself in a box to scream #how can i build a life worth living if my body won't let me #like babe i can only shower every other day !! im physically limited in how much i can do !!#and the rest of the time im just stuck in bed !!!!#i dont wanna just spend my life only being able to do 20 min of a hobby before needing to rest #i dont want this !!! i was supposed to do more !!!#i was supposed to be *healthy* !!! the only fucking reason i decided at 18 and 19 and 20 to keep going is bc of my future #why the fuck did i not go through with [redacted] if this is what happened. was it fuckihg worth it? to stay alive? just to suffer?#besties i dont know how much longer i can survive in this house. why do i need to keep fighting.#when am i allowed to just. give up.#(disclaimer: not in any danger. am just upset & yelling)

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makkie-is-screaming · 11 months ago

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Why did I agree to go shopping with my mom

#We were supposed to leave at 10 it’s now 1 and we still haven’t #she just keeps adding things to her list of shit to do before we go #I’m gonna loose my fucking mind it’s cold and only getting windyer I got up early so we could go early #I haven’t even left my house and I’m pissed #if she’s not walking out in 10 mins she’s going alone idc if she needs help #Screaming

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