#i just need to vent don't worry about me
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I HATE SUMMER RRAAAAAHHHHH It leaves me so low energy because guess what? I can't sleep at night or anytime because it's always too hot!! I have to rely on not being able to keep my eyes open for sleep
#right now the breeze is cool and there are clouds in the sky so let's HOPE it doesn't end in a storm like it always does#i just need to vent don't worry about me#my story with summer is enemies to lovers but it never progresses past the enemies part#also i want to get back to hourly eternal diva but i don't have the energy for it now#maybe later if the temperature cools down#also if you are reading this: don't forget to drink water! i love you!
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People findinging out that antisemitism does, in fact, victimize people
#jumblr#jewish politics#antisemitism tw#nothing is more instantly frustrating than the 'jews just want to victimize themselves!' thing#yes actually. bigotry victimizes people. that's why it's called bigotry#honestly this is just me venting about this because i see this way too much#it's even more confusing how much i see it from 'leftists'. you sound worse than my conservative family#it's less that leftism is a set of principles to some but rather that it is an ego-boost i think#it's the aethetic of being a Good Moral Person without any of the work#you won't have to make any uncomfortable reckonings with your own pitfalls#you don't need to worry about what Actual Inclusion looks like because that's not the appeal of leftism#the appeal of leftism is how it props you up#i think in this case this is less a horseshoe theory moment rather it's just that people just...#don't care about the principles they say they have adopted because aethetics are a very attractive set of values#and the people who are hurt most by this is everyone else. it's the jews who won't make a stop in entire cities because they are unsafe#also to make this emphatically clear: antisemitism victimizes people (primarily jews)#this does NOT mean that i am saying someone is like... essentially a victim or they are Cursed or whatever else#recognizing that someone can be victimizes doesn't mean that someone is by character/nature a victim
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ah, i love waking up to hate mail making fun of my art 😶 but you know, i think it speaks a lot to the emotional illiteracy of some folks that they think such a thing will get a lasting rise. who knows why they do it? is it for a cheap laugh? are they projecting because they dislike their own art? are they so personally miserable that they just want to tear other people down to fill that gaping void in their real lives?
#apologies guys i've just had a very rough week with some awful personal stuff and this has tipped me over a bit#i get it don't feed the trolls but when so many bad things happpen at once#you start to wonder if you are the common denominator and should just log off#don't worry i'm all good...just probably need some time offline is all#i strive to keep this space as positive as possible but i'd rather be realistic about my mental health#vent#delete later#starleskatalks
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can someone please banish this writer's block for me 😫
it's the worst i've had in such a long time and i've tried to be patient with it but it's been fucking weeks now. i want to write so much but whenever i try they just feel like words on a page. every evening i sit down and rearrange them a little here and there and add some new ones, but they all just feel empty and and shit and my brain feels totally devoid of the creative spark i need to make everything come to life.
i know in large part it's my perfectionism getting in the way, but i don't know how to break through it. i don't know how to feel connected to my writing again. i don't know how to shift this fear of not being good enough that surges up every time i pick up a pen.
it's something that's always been there - but usually it at least comes in waves, or my love of what i'm creating is big enough to muffle it. right now, it's all i can hear. my inspiration has been totally drowned out by it. and i hate it so, so much. the fact that i can't access the one thing that brings me the kind of solace and joy and escapism i can't get anywhere else and is so vital to my soul. that i am blocking myself from engaging in the one thing that makes me feel like me.
i just feel so stuck and so lost and i miss being in that creative headspace so much it’s like a physical pain. it feels like part of me is missing, and it terrifies me that i don't know how to get it back.
#rambling this out in the hopes it might help me shift something#please feel free to ignore#it's incredibly frustrating because i have been SO excited to write these next few chapters of four walls for literal months#and i do have a decent chunk of the next chapter done#and also bits written for later sections too#but i just. i can't get into the headspace#it all just feels so far away and whenever i try and write it's like i'm pushing it even further away#ughhhhhhhhhhhh#i hate this so much#(and don't even get me started on my original stuff or my bang fic 🫠)#also anyone who's reading this and feeling worried about four walls being updated#please don't be#it's 2am and i'm being dramatic#i'll find a way to make it all work again because i love that fic with my whole heart#i just don't know how to shift this right now and i needed somewhere to vent#if anyone has any words of wisdom or writer's block cures please share 🫶#writing stuff#lulu posts
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Girl help my brain won't brain AGAIN
#i'm trying to figure out some publishing related stuff#but i'm worried that i don't understand it and am not getting it right#and i just. can't think right now#and i know this is weird but i SWEAR it's partially because of the news about maggie smith passing away#obviously i never met her or anything but i still feel weirdly intensely sad about it#i don't know. i just kinda feel like crying kinda wanna hide under a blanket all day#kinda wish i had the capacity to be a functional adult#that sort of thing#probably going on a little walk or something will fix me#but also i just don't want to do anything and at the same time i NEED to do something#because also anxiety my old friend and sitting still does not really help with that#okay venting done#time to do...something else. idk what
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I just need to be told "You Can Do It" right now.
#I've gotten about 3 hours of sleep within the last 48 hours and I'm still behind in my classes#I don't know how I'm supposed to keep up at this point#Just grinding constantly for hours every waking moment of my life#I'm stuck wondering the same things#'When will it slow down?'... 'Will it actually ever slow down?'#If it doesn't i don't think i can keep up#Full time in college and full time in work#However#every time i try to speak my troubles or stress to someone they just chuckle#and ignore me saying ''well college is like that. welcome to the adult world''#Why does college have to be like this? why is everyone so fine with this?#I'm very unmotivated right now#My grades are all low despite the numerous 100%s I've been getting#And they're not going back up no matter how many A+ s I get on assignments#I don't like talking to people - it scares me terribly#So i don't like it when I'm constantly forced to talk to over 10 people every time i go to school (talk to your professor they say#I like to think of my job at my second home#at least that's not too hard and i love the people#But I just need things to get less intense school-wise#Just for me to get a decent amount of sleep please#Just a little bit#Please#i don't know#I'm not going on hiatus no worries#I love my blog dearly and cannot abandon it for my mental health#I just need encouragement#Because I'm so tired#Sorry for the rant I hate to vent#I'll delete this later if i remember#💬
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✨Happy anniversary to one of the worst days of my life✨
To anyone out there who is struggling, I promise that you are loved and wanted. Remember to be kind to yourself because even if you aren't your favorite person, there are people who love you and hate to see you in pain.
Don't give up and don't let go. Talk to someone. You are loved, adored, and cherished more than you know.
#i was going to write a vent fic or something but i just. don't have the energy today#don't worry about me. things are a lot better now#i just. thought I'd commemorate the day that changed my life#one year and a LOT of progress later things are much better#but still. i think everyone needs to hear this#cookie crumbs#mental health#personal#important
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#i told my friend i would go to a con with her in december and paid for my portion already but i kept getting super depressed thinking about#going to the con#and i mainly said yes because she has bad social anxiety and i wanted to support her#but i went to a con with one of my other friends a while ago and i am totally out of it#mentally and emotionally when it comes to anything fandom related. exept anime con but that's because i like seeing ppls costumes.#it's like i am a ghost of myself.#also i have expenses that keep piling up and i was like 'even if i don't get the whole refund i would rather have the money than go#on a trip just to be miserable'#so i kept putting it off but then i was like 'well i need to tell her at least a month before or else that is going to be really bad'#so i told her last night that things came up and i couldn't go (things is work/needing to save my money). like i know i already paid for it#but my partner is having a hard time making rent and i am having a hard time keeping a job so...#and i haven't told her any of this i just said 'things came up'#so she was naturally quite upset with me and said she “didn't give a shit if [i] lose money” but would pay me back for the con tickets#and the flight#like... she has always been brutally honest and (maybe?) autistic-coded so i tried not to let it get to me. i totally get being upset#and i am somewhat bothered with myself that i even said yes in the first place & then went back on it/waited so long to decide#but also i didn't expect to be paying my partner's half of the rent for a few months sooo.....#yeah#at least i will get half back and then i don't have to worry about asking for time off if i get a secondary job soon which i definitely nee#vent#delete later#tw financial issues
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Vent post, warning for parent death and a super fucking upset guy
I cant do this anymore. For the last hour and a half ive been sobbing so hard I think I'm gonna throw up. My dad is dying. I mean, he may as well be dead already. It's pretty fucking bad. And I've already had him nearly die once, but he's worse this time and refusing to seek help. I just can't. I can't FUCKING LOSE HIM. He's the one FUCKING PERSON on the ENTIRE PLANET who gets me, and I'm having to watch him get worse and worse every fucking day, and I just can't fucking do this anymore. I want to be angry. I want to be mad at him and I want to hate him but I can't because I know this is just how addiction works. It's not really his fault... he tried. He tried, he tried, he tried, and he was fine for a year. I had a year to hope that maybe he would be okay. That maybe he'd get to see me go to college. That maybe he'd see me graduate and go on testosterone and get top surgery. And now I'd be surprised if he lives for another few months, and I just. Don't know what to do with that. I fucking don't. I just. Fucking. Don't. He's my favourite person on the whole fucking planet. Everything reminds me of him. I won't be able to function when he's gone, I won't be able to do anything, without thinking about him. I'll never be able to enjoy Minecraft again because I'll be thinking about how he can't play with me anymore. I won't be able to take photographs without thinking about how he would compliment them. I won't ve able to cook a fucking egg without imagining him asking me to cook him one too. Instruments are out because he's the whole reason I wanted to play an instrument in the first place. Choir is out because he was in a choir too. Reading and writing are out because we read together and are writing a book together. Drawing? Nope, he used to give me advice on what to do with a drawing. Watching all my comfort shows? I watched those all with him. I mean, shit, he introduced me to Good Omens, what the fuck am I supposed to feel about that? I can't listen to half my favourite bands because he liked them too. I can't take a walk because we used to walk together. I can't sit in the rain because when I was little he would take me out into the rain to play. I can't stargaze. I can't watch half of my favourite movies. I can't go to the public library.
I can't live. Everything in my fucking life reminds me of him, because I do everything in life with him. How am I supposed to survive if he dies? How?
#vent post#vent#tw vent#cw vent#tw death#don't feel like you need to interact with this post#i'm not seeking advice or even really comfort unless you REALLY want to give it#i just needed to fucking.say this#despite the last passage i am not suicidal and do not want to die#please don't worry about me
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that said, as much as I've been struggling the past 48 hours or so, I have to admit that it has felt a little clarifying.
I've been playing the hell out of stardew valley, like I always do when I'm struggling with my PMDD, because the calming repetitive movements and bite-sized tasks (which induce the illusion of productivity) make it much easier to calm my mind and like...
I keep thinking "wouldn't it be nice to make something that soothes...?"
I felt a little embarrassed last night when I was writing about how I realized that AITNISTS would have meant the world to me when I was a queer, disabled teen feeling very broken and unlovable, and how now it almost feels like I'm writing bedtime stories for a ghost.
but... I think to some degree, that's nice, too... if I'm writing what soothes me, maybe it'll soothe someone else, too. making art that soothes people that feel broken... I think that would be nice. or... kind, at least. maybe.
it's something to aspire to, at least.
like sometimes I do feel this weird need to make something beautiful or complex or important but I guess "important" can mean a lot of different things, and so can "beautiful"...
I'm obviously never going to win any kind of literary prize with monsterfucking hurt/comfort but like. idk. maybe it's enough to write the kind of book that would have made me feel like I was capable of being loved and wanted when I was a kid.
especially if it helps anyone else now...
idk. it's a nice thought, at the very least.
#just me#vent post#kind of reminds me of when I met harvey guillen a few years ago and told me how wwdits got me through a rough medical procedure#and then a few months later got a message from someone saying that YTTT helped them through a rough medical procedure#and it felt... very gratifying and very full-circle I suppose#maybe that's the best thing you can do in the end#soothe the people who need it#when I was young I wanted to be smart and impressive but now I really do just want to be kind#baby steps#anyway please don't worry too much about me my doc okayed an additional dose of ket tonight#so I should start feeling a little less like uhhh this#unsure why I got a PMDD rebound like a week after my period started but these cramps don't lie lmao#definitely something weird and hormonal going on rn
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I haven't been involved with coaching for almost 3 months now and somehow I am still getting dragged into the drama.
#personal#move back to your small hometown they said#it'll be fun they said#me chanting over and over again:#if you live here you get to see your family all the time#(this is a good thing for me i love my brother and his family)#dude honestly this whole thing is just hilarious at this point#anyway newest drama is that one of the parents thinks it's suspicious that i 'quit' the same time my best friend moved away#the shit that is being said about us right now??? fucking wild#i haven't told any of those kids why i really left because they don't need me to be gossiping about their current coach to them#that would be so unprofessional of me#i say like she wasn't spreading rumors about me to THEM directly last year#we are all in our 30s here why are we acting like fucking teenagers still#i'm about to be real petty when i go visit next week though#'oh my god you won't believe what i heard crystal is telling people at her salon'#to the coach not the kids lol#i have a sneaking suspicion that the she is involved in this gossip in an adjacent way not directly#and i want her to think about the shit she says before she says it#she's mad that i don't want to coach jv when i told her multiple times i don't want to run my own program#and that i'd be happy to help her out as an assistant coach but that having to deal with parents is my worst actual nightmare#see what's happening right now#literally the only reason i applied is because i love those kids and they were all freaking out about my friend leaving#because they thought their current coach was also going to be leaving#and i was like hey i won't leave you guys don't worry#it's her fault that she chose not to include me in any of her brainstorming for next year#if she really wanted me to be involved she would have been talking to me about it back in april#i'm literally barely pulling myself out of my grief hole about losing coaching#and i could have stayed around but i would have been miserable#because it wouldn't have been in the capacity that i really wanted#oof okay i feel a little better after venting a bit
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80 or so years of life really ain't enough can I have an elf lifespan instead please? Or at least a dwarf's... I need at least a couple hundred years... Oh and a new spine every 5 or so years, if that's not too much to ask. 3. 3 years actually. Yeah, a new spine every 2 years, and a lifespan of 350-750 years, that's all I want really.
#SORRY this is such a random thing to be posting about and I guess it's a vent post haha#I suppose I've just been feeling a lot of... dread and fear lately... especially in the late hours...#''Lately'' as in on and off for most of my life but *a lot* as of the past few months#Like#Oh it's weirdly embarrassing to talk about this here it's a tad personal uh **tw (discussions of) death#But do you ever just feel paralyzed by the knowledge that one day you'll be 40? Or 60? Or 80? If you're lucky!#I worry a lot about wasting my life#I worry a lot about dying an unpleasant death#Or a painful one#I suppose I've always been gerascophobic...#But finishing school and turning 23 and not having a job and having just a hard time with my physical health lately...#I haven't been great I guess#I just feel like time has been moving so quickly lately!!!#And I've been going nowhere.#:0 not to be too much of a bummer y'all I'm not like feeling horrible rn or anything but I do need to vent I think#Cause if not it just stays coiled up inside of me.#*gah* I should channel all of this energy into Glenn in my pirate fic lol#😌 he's insecure (in part) cause he feels old#🥲 ough and I don't feel amazing about that most recent chapter but I guess that's a whole new vent#working on some different stuff for a bit.#ANYWAYS#I hope whoever happens to be reading this is having a good night ✨️#oh or day if it's day for you lol
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Maybe the fog’s here because I want it here.
Is that why I opened the windows?
Maybe I asked the fog to come…
-MAG170: Recollection
#furry art#anthro art#fursona#ink markings#vent art#avoiding tagging the show the lines are from bc the art has nothing to do with the podcast lmao#the rest of these tags are rambling you can stop reading now no worries !#it’s just getting gross outta my head and onto paper#I’m so bad at conversations and I know it’s my own fault but it feels isolating#I gotta get better at talking but I’m just afraid to reach out to people#no idea how to talk that isn’t infodumping#I just wanna talk about my OCs or my fandoms or just…. anything but feel like no one wants to hear that shit lmao#sometimes I feel like the people in my life would rather interact with anyone other than me lmao#I feel way better after drawing this out tho#bless the arts#i know i know i need to be the one to reach out more#and i know my anxiety stems from my parents hardcore ridiculing me whenever i talked to much#and my exes ignoring me at the drop of a hat for whatever new thing piqued them#but its hard to know that logically and get my brain to cooperate#and not think that I'm automatically annoying every person i speak to#although maybe it's also better because anyone who gets stuck in a room irl with me knows i don't shut up lmao#maybe its for the best i can never manage to do it in text
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silly salvaged and its greg interviewing everyone (all the animatronics) for a marketing class at school or something
#fnaf#the soup speaks#silly salvaged au#Hes brave so he probably interviews William the most#“Gregory hes dangerous!”#“yeah well he was also a shareholder Freddy and I NEED that A”#“why don't you just ask me for the interview! I basically overheard everything from father and unc--Henry!”#“Didnt you literally say an hour ago before I told you any of this that when offered you just played your Atari or something”#“.....Touche Gregory...Touche”#Its like Saddle Row Review from MLP where he just interviews everyone relevent in the pizzaplex#“from Freddy to William to running away with a notepad in hand with Vanny all the way to the Tangle and Charlotte lol”#ykw maybe William likes the attention of his successful marketing ventures instead of the...yk....child murdering#now im not saying theyd be “”“”“friends”“”“” but like keep in mind this au is slightly ooc and very much bending to my silly whims#“ya see Gregory; you got to keep your name at the top of it all! Sure your *product* may succeeded; but have *you*?”#“mhm...mhm...” -jotting down in a notepad- “keep...your...name..rel..e..vent...and then...die....noted!”#the staff just get told repeatedly like#“why is that kid interviewing the robots” “don't worry he does stuff like that all the time hes chill”#Maybe he and cassie team up for the project or something lol#just two kids running around from staff member to security guard to animatronic to ask about marketing#tis a silly image#fnaf gregory
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I think the frustrating thing about Spotify recommendations is sometimes it really does introduce me to lots of cool Indie Bands that I really vibe with and allow me to try some new stuff and sometimes it keeps telling me that I need to Listen to Mother Mother (I have not listened to Mother Mother ever and at this point I never will because it is a pride thing.)
Or a random unfunny tiktok joke song from 3 years ago/ a viral YouTube song from over a decade ago.
#simon says#will probably delete this later#but yeah my recommendations are all mother mother and my spotify weekly is a mix between sweet ass new bands and unfunny bad joke songs#my spotify weekly has Cherry Bomb by the Runaways which is a good recommendation and then the Creative Song from don't hug me im scared#which is a bad recommendation to be clear#i know I have a couple of odd songs from things like shows or cartoon bumpers in my playlist (i got whats new scooby doo on there)#but that doesn't mean that I need to be recommended fuckin Death By Glamour??#like there's no videogame soundtracks in my playlist why the fuck is that there#If I wanna listen to Undertale music I would just listen to the vinyls I own!!#anyways this is just a vent against spotify#my weekly seems to have a LOT more indie stuff so imma check it out real fast#i want to discover more music because I do eventually want to just swap to mp3s and an mp3 player instead of spotify#that is one thing I like about Spotify the most is that it helps me find more bands that I like#but I could probably find stuff via looking up youtube playlists as well#so it's not worth paying for anymore#I asked for an mp3 player for Christmas so hopefully I get one and I can just start using that instead#i miss my mp3 these last 7 years without it have sucked I miss my designated music device#anyways dont have to worry about going ad free if you just have the digital files on your computer and put them directly in a player#😎👍
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wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.
#friday chats#friday vs post-secondary school#tw vent#(in the following tags)#i am immeasurably stressed right now#i need to talk to my doctor about getting a booster to go along w/my adhd meds#bc this has been a problem for a while but i think it's about to come to a head#and i'm very scared for when that happens#maybe also talk to my school's disability services#bc Good Fucking God i'm already overwhelmed#it's 11:56. should i just go to bed? i have so many things left to do#when do i even have the time to go to disability services. and i've heard a lot of schools' processes w/that are slow and overcomplicated#fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.#i think i'm spiraling#i'm worried that if i don't get a degree i won't be able to find a nice enough job to support myself independent of my family#and i don't want to be stuck with them forever#i really really don't#maybe i can talk to disability services sometime tomorrow morning. see what they can do#i think there's mental health services too. i hope they're decent#i just feel really bad right now. and it's only week one.#it feels like time's moving too fast but too slow at the same time#classes take forever but my free time zips by and runs out way too quick#and when it's gone i've completed maybe one or two things. out of several. if any at all.#i just don't know what to do. it's only been three days.#maybe i can drop a class; i think i'm taking enough to still be considered a full-time student with one less thing on my plate#i hope so#fucking damn it#how do people do this??? for multiple years????#and i feel selfish for saying this but i hope if y'all see this post you'll interact with it somehow. even just a like.#i want to know someone hears me
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