#i just need everyone to THINK bobby might be dead without him actually being dead

[lovecolibri]

There is such a potential on "lost on the sea" Idea.

In your post there is the implication Athena smh made it meanwhile Bobby didn't, right?

Watching the perspectives of all these characters dealing with this "loss" would be just so *chef kiss*, because the fandom does believe Bobby's death would be the one to impact the characters the most (the polls don't like). Also imagine getting Bobby's perspective in the middle of the characters perspectives while dealing with this loss? For the show to play with the scenes and emotions, leading the audience to believe they're watching the characters mourning Bobby at the same time they're watching Bobby's path to death, but he is actually found alive in the end??? Also imagine if in that perspective we got a "I'm not making, am I?" moment from him and Bobby's monologue is about how he does not want to die (the biggest contrast with his character in S1) on how he wants to see Athena, May, Buck, Chim Hen and Eddie again, to the point he even apologizes to his late kids for wanting them wait a little longer for him...

You! You get it! I WANT all the angst of people thinking Bobby is lost and losing hope that they are going to find him alive, but without the actuality of Bobby being dead. I LOVE too when the audience is in on it so WE know the character is okay because it makes it exciting to know that the person is coming back and the moment everyone realizes it's going to be okay. I think it would be a delicious way to add some tension to the opening and really let us see inside the character's heads which I feel we have been missing a lot lately, and a chance for the firefam to pull together as a family the way we SHOULD have seen in 6x11 but were robbed of to make the Buckley parents the center of attention for some reason.

Also I really love what you said about the contrast to season 1 and us getting to see Bobby FIGHT to get back home, to LIVE because he wants to live! We could get some good Survival Dad Bobby scenes too with him taking care of the other survivors and getting everyone working together to survive, and we could get some really great firefam stuff. Buck and Athena would be a great duo to see but you KNOW Hen and Chim would devastate us too, and Eddie...whooo boy you know Ryan would destroy everyone. It would be a great way to have May come back for a bit and have some good emotional work to do that leaves an impact since the actress is focusing more on school and not filming as much.

I just think it would be such a neat opener with lots of good emotional beats to draw the audience in while still showing that the heart and soul of the show is still rooted in hope and in the found family aspect that's been a bit lacking lately. And everyone in the cast can deliver when it comes to big emotional scenes and I think we as the audience after the past couple seasons of suffering, deserve to see them all break down at once about Bobby, but without having to actually lose Bobby.

[super-hero-confessions]

Y'know? After looking around and seeing all the insane white privilege shit people who "hate" Garth Ennis comics say about him or his comics and how attacked they feel when anyone tries to explain what satire is?

"A-Train is less redeemable than Homelander" "Hughie's mom is irredeemable but Homelander is redeemable" my fucking ass.

I can in 100% confidence say that they don't understand satire or storytelling in general and have no sense of basic reading or media comprehension. Without a doubt.

Most of them are just racist misogynistic ableist assholes who hide behind minorities and refuse to confront their internal bigotry. So they blame everyone else for it.

Ennis is a guy who wrote two whole comics where criticism against British transphobia was a whole ass feature and where boundaries and nuance and grief was such a important theme too. All while deep diving into how fucked up the U.S. military is and how even more fucked up weapons corporations are.

Oh and he also added a couple arcs criticizing homophobia and queerphobia and the people who hate on and make victims of queer people. In the same comics.

But "he" (said from the mouths of blatantly homophobic people that are constantly fetishizing and heteronormalizing gay people) is the one who's homophobic?

Interesting theory.

Exactly as convincing as the one claiming "Eric Kripke thinks women on top in a relationship are evil" despite that the literal first sex scene we get in the show (The Boys) has Becca Butcher on top. It's not like Billy's entire dynamic with her was highlighted with his being happily and consensually submissive to her and how perfectly fine and happy they were with this arrangement or how toxic masculinity is part of what was ruining it and hurting her. I'm sure...she was a villain right?? Queen Maeve also got on top and took control so she must have been a villain too!

This level of DUMB and self righteously full of shit and bad faith nonsense and lies makes me want to vomit.

I'm getting so tired of seeing so many stupid and arrogant people that very obviously come from a place of white privilege projecting their own insecurities and internalized prejudice onto artists and writers who are just trying to tell a story full stop. I'm so tired of it.

The Boys (comics and show) makes a lot of really phenomenal points but these dipshits can't actually be bothered to listen to any of them because they're too busy looking for things to be outraged at so they can virtue signal about it and how "superior" they or their ideas or whatever are to the author (who isn't even trying to broadcast what their views are they're trying to tell a story) when in reality they're just showing how fucking ignorant and privileged they are.

"gArTh EnNiS iS a EdGeLoRd"

No y'all are just some snobby and clueless outta touch privileged assholes that want the people around you in neat little bubbles that fit your perfect little world views so you don't have to think about confronting any that might be wrong.

If the existence of someone like "Big Bobbi" would make you uncomfortable because she's not a "uwu perfect little trans goddess girl" that fits the mold of what you think a trans woman should look like (as if all trans women should look act and think exactly alike cause that's not trans misogyny at all)?

The problem is you.

Get off the dead horse you forgot to feed and bury it already.

I'm so fucking tired of "brunch liberals/democrats". We need real fighters and people willing to listen and argue in good faith if we want actual change or progress. We need people willing to grow from being wrong instead of doubling down on it. It must be so nice to only have to focus on first world problems while you get to step on everyone else you pretend to champion for but I'm not that lucky and the same assholes would judge me and others for liking something unconventional that actually does pay attention and gives me a little comfort.

These people need to fuck off and leave us alone and stop using us as humans shields for their bullshit.

[lover-of-mine]

This came to me in a dream, no joke, but first time we see Eddie, he's shirtless, putting on the uniform, being described by his accomplishments when Buck asks who he is, graduated top of his class in the academy, army vet, medic, silver star, right? Season 3 we have Bobby telling Buck "[the uniform] is not a costume, it's who you are" as Buck saves someone without the uniform, then in season 5 we have Bobby stopping Eddie from coming back before he's ready because what Eddie needed wasn't the job, the job was very much part of the things that were killing Eddie, his answers weren't the job so much so he just has to accept them while in a uniform that doesn't even has his name on it, because Eddie is not being defined by being a firefighter. But Eddie does define himself like father and husband as a combined thing even though his wife is dead and he's a fantastic single father, he keeps trying to fix mistakes he made with Shannon with someone else while playing pretend with these women he picked for Christopher, not himself, right? I feel like there's a level of self acceptance going on in the season with the chances of Bobby dealing with his guilt about his family, Buck and his queerness, even Eddie and the catholic guilt, and I feel like Eddie being freed off a literal costume he's wearing while letting loose for the first time ever when he has always been in this contained "army vet, medic, has a silver star, best of his class" box that he still keeps himself in when he already worked thought most of the boxes he put in his own life is going to be quite literal. I blame Ryan for saying Eddie might break again but like, that's the box Eddie needs to break to actually be happy. The one that makes him act as if to be a good father he needs to be a good husband to some proper woman his parents would like. The one of what he thinks his life is supposed to be like so he can actually do what he wants with his life. Like, we knew that but I was thinking about the costume department and how they use clothes in such a brilliant way in this show, we saw Eddie get in that box the very first time we saw him, if we consider the way everyone is looking at him through a glass since he's inside the locker room we can make that even more literal, now they're getting him out of it.

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

The family of it all!

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️

🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟

Yeah! Family!

36 for ⚡️:

---

“Like, what if… What if she’s had the baby and not told us?”

“I think we might need to sedate you, actually,” Eddie says. 

“Hey!” Buck complains. “These are reasonable concerns!” 

“On a scale of one to ten, how traumatic was your last coma for you?” Eddie asks. “Because we might just want to put you in one until the baby is here. Best way to pass the time.”

“You’re not as funny as you think you are,” Buck complains.

“I am, first of all,” Eddie replies. “Second of all, you do need to relax, okay? I promise if something is worth worrying about, I will also start freaking out, and we can freak out together. A baby not being born before her due date is not one of those things.”

He makes a valid point. One that’s potentially too logical to ignore. 

Buck takes a deep breath. “Fine. You’re right.”

“Usually am,” Eddie replies. 

Buck raises an eyebrow. “Should we really visit the statistics on that?”

Eddie scowls at him. “Let me have this.”

If Buck thinks Eddie is dismissive of his completely normal fears - not paranoia, thank you - then Chim is downright mean. He laughs, on the due date, with how stressed Buck is. 

“Are you kidding?” Chim practically cackles. “Please tell me you haven’t forgotten how long Maddie went overdue. Like actually overdue. Over a week, Buck!”

Another valid point, but…

“Okay, but we don’t know that Lourdes won’t also-”

“And!” Chim interjects. “You’re not living with Lourdes, so you don’t know.” 

---

36 for 🧟:

---

Besides, he has other things to worry about.

For one, he hasn’t had another chance to talk to Eddie properly. Eddie is spending a lot of time talking to Shannon. Which makes sense, right? They have a kid together. This whole history. They each thought the other was dead. Of course that’s who Eddie is talking to. But it has Buck worrying. Something that isn’t his right to worry about. But nevertheless… What if Eddie leaves? What if he decides to go stay with Shannon and the others? It would make the most sense, wouldn’t it? 

Honestly, if Buck were a better person, he’d just suggest it. But he’s not. So he goes to the beach to hide instead. 

He sits on the beach and he looks out at the sea, and he thinks about loneliness. He thinks about how it’s the end of the world, and twice he’d somehow found someone who made him feel excited about the future. Abby and then Eddie. Abby owed him more than Eddie does now. But… But isn't it ironic they’ll probably end up in the same place? 

Life has always been pretty transient for Buck. Nothing has ever felt permanent. Not until he met Bobby and everyone else. And maybe he just has to accept that that’s the permanent thing for him. He’s luckier than most people, if that’s true. But Buck isn’t stupid. He sees how Maddie and Chim are looking at each other. How Bobby and Athena have seem to become a unit. All within a handful of days. It hurts that he might be the only one without that, when the dust settles on whatever this period of commotion has been. 

He’s in the middle of feeling sad for himself, and feeling dumb about feeling sad for himself, when he hears someone walk down the stairs to the beach. He turns to look and is surprised to see Abby, making her way towards him. He’s not sure what she’s doing. 

[bish-plz-haha]

I haven't seen any posts about this so I wanna make it; bare with me as I'm not sure my thoughts will be entirely coherent and understandable (this Pennsylvania summer heat got my brain melting, no joke).

So I rewatched the Lightning strike ep and the coma ep, and I found something quite interesting on my watch-through (as well as watching some edits of buddie on tiktok). So I've been thinking: why was everyone else in Buck's coma dream but Eddie. Eddie is one of the closest people to Buck. So why wasn't he there?

I'm not sure if this will make any sense, but the coma ep is basically Buck living out a dream where everything was fine and he grew up with his brother and parents and sister.

Now almost everyone except Eddie and Athena were in his dream. All completely different people: Bobby was an alcoholic and drug addict (at least that seemed my take from the ep), Maddie was still playing happy wife to dickbag, Chim and Hen were friends and firefighters but they had NO CLUE who he was, his parents were actually kinda nice and supportive of him (kill me now. That's nice and all but I hate them so much). And even Chris was there at the end of the ep, though he didn't particularly recognise Buck. He sounded lost, and like he was asking a stranger for help, not his best friend.

Now when 'Daniel' tells Buck when he wakes up, "Next time you go up a ladder, have someone there to spot you." And, as we know, Buck replied with, "I did," we get kinda a quick flashback to the ep previously to kinda remind the audience what happened. We kinda see a quick flash of Eddie hooking him up and hear his voice saying "go get em cowboy" (the implication of that is another thing in and of itself if we're being honest).

Now, why would Eddie not be in Buck's coma dream?

Honestly, with Buck being able to 'remember' he went up the ladder with a spot (AKA Eddie), I don't think he really had a reason to hold on to him. He already remembered him as he was- in uniform, doing his job, and having Buck's back ("You can have my back any day").

He has all these people in his dream because he's trying to hold on to them. To remember who they are, not necessarily how they are, just who. His central nervous system had a jolt and he was clinically dead for 3 minutes (and 17 seconds, courtesy of Eddie counting the time it took for them to get him down and start compressions: you cannot convince me that that man didn't mentally count each passing second from the moment he realised Buck had been struck and was dangling from his safety line to the time he got Buck down and placed onto the stretcher). That's a lot for someone's system to take. His brain lost a lot of oxygen in that time: and, speaking generally, when the heart stops for a good amount of time (being about 2 and a half minutes or more since the brain can take only about 5 minutes without oxygen before permanent brain damage without CPR), the chemical makeup starts to change because your brain is basically sending signals to the body that it may be dying and it might be time to shut down the body too. To go into a permanent slumber (hence the "superpowers," which is a real thing. Though a lot of people, including myself (it's my fun fact about myself: surprise! I've died), develop a "sixth sense" if you will).

So back to my main point; why Eddie wasn't in the coma dream.

Buck's subconscious already remembered Eddie. He may not have remembered his face or anything, but he most definitely remembers him. He remembers key things about him. There's no need for Buck's brain to conjure up a version of Eddie because he's already significant enough. He is the only one we hear and see that Buck actually remembers being there for him. The shot they replayed as his memory was solely of Eddie and himself. Yes, Chim was in the background but he wasn't the focus of the shot. He was barely visible. And, again, we only hear Eddie's voice.

Idk maybe I'm crazy thinking about this but I'm at work, I'm bored. And it's been on my mind for a few days now.

[inposterumcumgaudio]

Maybe u could talk about the Byngs? Not necessarily as a family unit, I just never see people talk about them in depth despite their importance in the game and lore.

You know what I noticed the other day? When Victoria meets with General Byng after her jailbreak, he offers her a place in his safehouse. This would have to be after Sally's escape from it or else he'd be planning for her to stay there instead (and also because by this point, Victoria's begun her assault on the Joy supply in the water so the town is going properly insane about it). And yet, Byng's not got his face all slashed up as he should. I think Victoria would have noticed that.

You could write that off as unintentional oversight, but they do have a texture of slashed-face Byng they could have used. On the other hand, that texture is only seen for a split-second in Sally's act.

It happens so fast one might even wonder if it actually happened at all.

The foundation for questioning Sally's perception of things is a whole other post (which this fandom desperately needs), but let's just say that everyone is the hero of their own story and wants to remember themselves as more than they probably were in a moment.

A lot of what we know about Byng is through the lens of him as a burdensome necessity to Sally's survival. Sally certainly spends a lot of her time soliloquizing to herself about how much of a chore entertaining him (and men like him) is. But she also fondly calls him "Byng-a-ling" on her clientele list that no one but her will ever see. She likes Byng, but she has to complain to herself to maintain her self-perception as the put-upon pretty girl.

I would argue Byng is actually the best suitor she's had, exactly what she's spent her entire adult life looking for. She can lie to herself about wanting Arthur, but if an Arthur was what she wanted, she could have found one. You can't throw a dead rat in Wellington Wells without hitting an Arthur. But she doesn't actually go for Arthurs, does she?

What she seeks out are men who can do something for her. But those men want things in exchange, they make demands on her time and attention. She has to give to get. Men like Stewart Adams are happy to give her practically anything for a smile, but they hardly have anything to give. She complains constantly about how Verloc required all of her attention, but she got status, education, access to chemicals and equipment, the list goes on.

But Byng! Byng shows up, what, once every week or so? A spritz in the mouth and a little manic-pixie-dream-girl dance and he's good. Very low maintenance comparatively.

And he gives her equally as much as Verloc did with the added bonus of protecting her from Verloc. Really, his only overt demand is still a passive one: keep the Bobbies supplied with Blackberry, thus maintaining the power balance in the town to Byng's favor. She'd have to do that anyway.

And the difference is Byng sees this relationship the way Sally would like the relationship to be. They meet periodically, she gets everything she wants from him and barely has to do anything for it. The promise of being the prettiest girl in the world, finally fulfilled! Even that once-a-week encounter can't be that much of a chore. Imagine being a girl as insecure as Sally, thinking your only power in the world is your looks, you just had a baby when everyone around you is a waif and the local tabloid said you could stand to lose some weight, and the most powerful man in town is content to get high, watch you do a little dance, and fuck on off when he wakes up without even demanding a goodbye. That's quite ideal, if you didn't have a baby upstairs.

But she has to think of it as a hassle because otherwise, she'd have to admit that it's what she always thought she was entitled to.

She only really starts to turn on Byng when he suggests that she should let him take Gwen across the bridge. And that sounds just monstrous if you're Sally but... is that really so unreasonable? If you are looking at this objectively, that's whole-ass a plan. Wellington Wells is incredibly unsafe for a baby!

I'm not saying Sally's wrong for being like, "Uh, no?" about that because she does not know what's on the other side of the bridge. We know there are children out there, as evidenced by Shitty Day Kid. You don't learn about him until after Ollie's act, so you don't know when Byng is making this offer to Sally, but there is conceivably a place for Gwen to go. Therefore, there's no reason why we should assume any nefarious intent behind his offer to get her out.

Yes, Byng does have his ulterior motives for wanting to send Gwen across but not Sally. He needs Sally; the entire town does. Her departure would have meant the end of order in Wellington Wells, even outside of Arthur's, Ollie's, and Victoria's actions. And, if you are Byng, even if (as Indira says in a cut line) "an Englishman’s duty has an uncanny knack of being whatever it is he wants to do anyway", well, it is in this case. His duty to Wellington Wells would very explicitly be to not allow - let alone enable - one of its most valuable assets to leave.

I think my favorite thing about Byng, though, is that he often has to be the adult in the room to a populace that has elected to remain children. And as such, because you are as a player made to empathize with these adult children (and indeed because most of the people who played this game were children themselves), this more than anything is why Byng comes off as the game's ultimate villain.

Unfortunately, he's also very often right.

"Sally. Do you love her? Or do you just love having someone who needs you?"

"Really? Would the good townsfolk of Wellington Wells have followed me into the machine guns? Or would they all have hidden in their basements?"

"[The Executive Committee]'d tear me apart like starved jackals. And then they'd pop a Joy."

"Nothing is exactly what we must do. If our people realize they're running out of food, they'll kill each other for the last box of V-Meat!"

Like, none of these statements are untrue. In the context that you hear all of them, you're in the position to read them as self-serving excuses and rationalizations. But Byng is perhaps the person best equipped to see the big picture. He does not take Joy like Victoria, he's not under the same pressure and emotional distress as Verloc, he has been awake and aware the entire time. "Excruciatingly well informed," as a certain memory of an ex-wife once put it.

He's also a skilled tactician and knows the limits of his own powers (which he makes a point of multiple times: "there's only so many strings I can pull" to Victoria, "even I won't be able to save you then" to Sally, "you don't think I'm the one who decides these things, do you?" to Ollie). He can predict what outcomes will occur based on what he can do with the resources available to him and frankly, Wellington Wells is not the best hand to be dealt. Like I said in the Haworth and Verloc post, it's a city of cowards and savages.

Even the point at which Victoria loses all faith in him, when he says that "Our duty now… is to rescue what we can. Salvage something from this whole rotten mess. Even if it's only two or three people," is not an unreasonable position to take from his perspective. The citizens of Wellington Wells are behaving exactly as predicted. To narrow the scope of his interest to just the few people he can save, and narrowing it again as those people reject his offers? It's a tactical reallocation of resources. Every day is a fuckin' battle when you're the General.

I'm not saying he's a good person. He's not. Even his own biography - which presumably would tell you how he himself would like to be perceived - paints him as a self-serving tattletale. He's as much a shitheel as everyone else in this game. But I do think anything you hear about him (and this is true of everyone in this game, all the time) needs to be viewed in the context of the person who's stating that opinion.

And always remember what they tell you right at the beginning of Sally's act:

[quodekash]

What happens when Emily and Mitch eventually find Julie’s YouTube or smth. Like. They just see their dead son. Singing with the girl who gave his song to them a few weeks back. And they’re in the place he ran away to. And he’s just right there. 

What would they do? 

I think they’d be amazed and devastated and a little angry, cos the natural assumption (especially with him being at the house he literally ran away to) would be that he never left, his spirit just went to - what they would assume is - the only place he ever felt truly at home. 

If that were me, I’d feel pretty horrible/angry that he never came to visit or give me a sign that he was (kind of) okay, and he just fully ignored me. And I know he didn’t actually ignore them, he just wasn’t around at al for 25 years, but they wouldn’t know that and I wish we could have a season 2 for them to explore the angst and feels and stuff around that situation. 

Adding on to that, possibly the way that they’d find out is through Bobby. He’d see they’re all somehow still alive in a way, and he’d tell anyone he could that would listen to him. Including the devastated parents of the kids he was in a band with. 

I’d also like to just add that Bobby would’ve  been pretty gosh darn traumatised by the events. Like any normal person who’s in a band with three of their closest friends and then they find out all three of them literally died and now they’re completely alone? They’d be pretty traumatised. He mentions to Carrie at one point “I’m gonna go see my therapist”, and it makes sense that he’d have a therapist, cos three of his friends literally died when they were all teenagers. 

I also think that Bobby would’ve been one of the first people to discover they’re dead. Like either it would be those random people in the background at the start, or the hot dog vendor guy, who would realise these kids are dying and call the ambulance, in which case Bobby probably wouldn’t be notified (cos he wasn’t with them at all) until he’d come outside eventually to tell them they’re on in five or smth and either find no one there at all, or find an ambulance speeding away, or see a bunch of paramedics lifting his friends’ bodies into an ambulance. Orrr he would go outside to find them, and then he himself - a flipping 16-18 year old, a literal teenager, minor, child - sees them asleep and tries to wake them up and nothing happens and he checks their pulses and fear grips his chest and he grabs out his phone (under the assumption that the garage/house is his family’s, and it’s a really nice house, so the conclusion there is that is his family is pretty rich, so I’d assume he’d have a phone with him) and calls emergency services, and that’s the last time he ever sees his friends. 

And then the guys go and haunt him, and he’s probably already been haunted by memories and the thought of their still, lifeless bodies, without the help of actually being genuinely haunted. 

And yeah, it was rly messed up that he stole their songs and gave no credit - or even mentioned them to Julie or rose or even Carrie. But also the guys doing that is messed up. It’s no wonder he never gave them credit or mentioned them to anyone, cos doing that would presumably awaken bad memories inside him, which he very much would not want. Poor guy is bloody traumatised. And carrie basically not reacting at all to her dad going to see his therapist implies that he sees his therapist a lot, probably frequently like once a week, so not only is he traumatised but he’s getting constant therapy for it and still needs more. And yeah, it’s possible those are just regular checkups cos everyone should get therapy whether they’re in a bad place or not, but the fact that he was clearly verbally and visibly distressed, and Carrie still doesn’t react, implies that he might have episodes a lot where he remembers the guys or thinks about them or whatever. 

AND ALSO HE DOES MEDITATION, which could be a coping technique from his therapist, or a way for him to clear his mind and thoughts. 

Whatever happened right after the guys died, whoever it was to find their bodies, it would be bloody traumatising for a group of four to suddenly be a group of one. He’d need extensive therapy and help for that, he’d be very much not okay, anyone in his shoes would be very much not okay. 

He might’ve contacted his friends’ families immediately, to tell them what happened, cos the guys didn’t like their parents at all. Reggie’s we’re right about to divorce. Luke’s didn’t want him in the band. Alex’s were homophobic. They all probably escaped from all of that every single day by going to Bobby’s house, to the one place where they could all be themselves without hate. So not only would it be horrifying to have a suddenly empty garage every day, for your friends to no longer be there, to know that they’ll never come back, Bobby would also probably have possessions from all of them, and no one other than Bobby would be able to give those to their families. Not only that, they probably wouldn’t even know for a while, because of how much their kids hated them. It’s possible they didn’t know for literally days, and they just assumed that their kids were staying overnight at Bobby’s. They wouldn’t think to contact their kids, or their kids’ friends and friends’ families, they’d just assume they’re okay. It was probably Bobby who had to break the news to all of them. So there’s some extra trauma and horrible-feelings piled on top of that. And he’d break the news to them as well as probably give them some things to remind their parents of their kids or something. Imagine an entire fic or episode or something based on Bobby’s experiences after the guys died. 

He’d go to Reggie’s place, interrupting a fight between his parents. He’d tell them their son is dead. He’d give them Reggie’s favourite pick or something. Reggie may be a mess, but something tells me he doesn’t leave his stuff lying around, like both physical objects and real things. He probably always thought he could just internalise it all, make it into jokes, not go into detail about how much his parents’ fights affect him and how scary it is, how he has to shield his younger siblings when he’s at home, to try and keep them safe and happy. Same with physical things: he would seem like the kind of person to forget to clean up after himself, who would leave it all lying around. But he keeps it clean, cos if he can’t clean out his mind and his own house, can’t get rid of the fighting, he might as well get rid of the things he could, take control of what he could. So he probably wouldn’t leave much lying around the garage, wouldn’t even own that much stuff to leave around the garage. He’d give it to Reggie’s parents and they would fight more, saying that it’s his fault Reggie died no it’s her fault and the other kids would cowed behind a corner and Bobby would hug the kids, try to protect them how Reggie used to, but knowing there’s no use. 

He’d go to Luke’s house, tell them their son is dead. They’d cry, they’d scream. Emily would be sure it’s her fault. Mitch would break down and fall to his knees. Bobby would stand there, unsure what to do. 

He’d go to Alex’s house. He’d hesitate at the door, not wanting to interact with these horrible people. Then he’d knock. He’d tell them the horrible news. He’d say he’s sorry. He’d say he wishes Alex could still be alive. Alex’s dad would stare at him menacingly. Alex’s dad would say “serves him right, doing the devils work”. Bobby would fill with anger. Alex’s mum would say “I’d feel sorry if he could’ve brought us a girlfriend rather than that boy. And a rebellious boy at that, he ran away from home to be in your little band.” Bobby would crack, the rage spilling over. He’d yell at them, scream at them, say they’re horrible parents, they didn’t deserve a beautiful amazing child like alex, that it wasn’t his choice, that they should be at least a little bit sad that their only child is gone, that someone they raised is gone from the world and he was only 17, that they could’ve had an ounce of respect or kindness in them to make alex actually feel like a person. He’d take a small pride flag out of his pocket, the one Alex left behind, shove it in their faces and say that everyone is a person. He’d storm away, going back to his home. He’d hang up the pride flag in his room, bright, proud, loud. He’d fall to the floor, crying, lost, terrified. He’d be horrified that someone can hate another person because of who they love, even when that person is their child, the literal result of their love, and they hate him because of love. He’d reflect on hate and love, two very different but very similar things, how they intertwine with one another, like some terrible but beautiful dance. 

[allthemusic]

Week ending: 28th August

Well this is a very silly song, but not necessarily in a bad way. Actually, as novelty songs go, I think it does pretty well. It's by a comedian, which hasn't historically been a great sign, but as these things go, I'm actually fairly impressed.

Splish Splash - Charlie Drake (peaked at Number 7)

This is a British cover of an American orignal, by Charlie Drake, who was apparently a very well known comedian, known for being small, having bright red hair, and havin a catchphrase of "Hello, my darlings". All of which sounds vaguely horrifying, in combination, and to be fair, the spoken word bits on the intro and outro of this song are by far the worst and most cringe-inducing parts. There's something about the very Cockney Oh, lovely at the start that just makes my toes curl.

Worst of all, it's not even necessary. It's a cover of a Bobby Darin original, and most of the song is pretty faithful to the original song's rock and roll vibes. It sounds slick, American and honestly like a very competent rock and roll record - novelty status aside. And so when you get these random whiny vocal inserts and what sounds like the sound of a toilet flushing at the end, it throws you completely out of it all. It feels really jarring, and I like it less the more I hear it. You could enjoy the song just fine without it.

Actually, you'd probably enjoy it more, because then you'd be starting with the (excellent) opening line, splish splash, I was taking a bath. Which just has a certain sonic quality that I can't quite pin down - it's just a fun line to say. Which is apparently the whole point - the song was iriginally written by Bobby Darin after a New York radio DJ called Murray Kaufman (or "Murray the K") claimed he couldn't write a song starting with the line, as suggested by Murray's mother, Jean Kaufman. So the whole point is that you've turned this seemingly absurd opening line into a whole genuine legit song.

The song itself tells a story, albeit a very daft one, about a man taking a bath, only to be surprised by a party going on in his house, apparently, leading him to describe how everyone was a-splishin' and a-splashin' / Reelin' with the feelin', movin' and a-groovin', / Rockin' and a-rollin', yeah! At which point, despite the odd opening, we've actually gotten back into some safe rock and roll territory of singing about people dancing. Our protagonist goes and joins them and we get this lovely little series of nods to some surprisingly recent, relevant hits, as we hear about how there was Lollipop with Peggy Sue, / Good golly, Miss Molly was even there too!

I think that this might get at why the song - aside from the novelty comic bookends - works for me, beacuse while it's clearly a silly song, Bobby's basically just used it as an excuse to write a good rock and roll song, without getting too hung up on little things like "being funny" and "keeping the gimmick up". Both of which, ironically enough, make it work better as a novelty song. Turns out too many "novelty" elements just kill a song stone dead. All you need is one solidly daft line, strategically dropped, and that should do, as long as your music is acutally good, and not some slapdash "this'll do" half-effort.

I won't be listening to this version of this again. The spoken bits are just too unlistenable, too cringey. But I do like the song, overall. Like I said, novelty songs are really hit and miss, for me, but I think rock and roll's a good genre for it. There's just something about the insubstantiality of a lot of rock and roll lyrics, and how much fun they tend to have with words that are just fun to sing, the emphasis, lyrically, on teens having fun - it's not a huge step from any of that to a pretty solid novelty record. So yeah, I'm not majorly shocked that this works.

Favourite song of the shame-about-the-spoken-bits bunch: Splish Splash

[shallowseeker]

In some of your other meta you mention that sam is a workaholic to jack...i was wondering if you could expand on that or had some takes about jack running away from home? specifically during the beginning of season 14

Thank you for the ask. It's nice you've taken this idea and run with it. :-)

I've been sitting on this a few days, anon, and I'm a little tired right now, but I don't think Sam was horrible to Jack or anything when he was being a workaholic (Stranger in a Strange Land). I don't even think it was purely the workaholic-ism that led to Jack running away. Jack, precocious and frustrated, wanted to run away to prove himself.

When I talk about Sam being a workaholic, I think that's part of the larger SPN narrative, "Get so busy makin' a livin,' you forget to live." And cliché as that sounds, that's definitely the Western experience, you know? Hell, many of the recent millennial-and-forward workers can't even afford healthcare/security, much less kids. We're fast-headed toward company store setups and rent/land feudalism again, too.

ALTERNATE SAM: And this is hard to hear – performing at your best requires all of your mental energy. Every last drop. You see, it’s just not compatible with something like, uh… hobbies or, uh – or even having a family.

14x13

In the beginning of season 14, Sam DOES reach out to Jack and have a heart-to-heart. He's trying to be a group leader, a loyal brother, and a father. It's actually Cas who's run off to Detroit to meet with demons. Bobby and Mary are overseeing Jack, Sam is marshaling forces, and Cas, in typical Cas-style, has gone lone wolf. These aren't judgments, by the way. It's just, again, family crisis dynamics. (And, like it or not, when another family member is in crisis, it's normal for resources to divert to that family member's wellbeing. Multiple crises get a hierarchy of support, depending on the perceived severity of the struggle.)

[Jack is sitting on his bed. A knock comes from the door. It’s Sam. He opens the door.] SAM: Hey. JACK: Hey. SAM: I, uh... chatted with Bobby. [Sam sits on the bed.] SAM: He said you may have had a rough day today. JACK: It was fine. SAM: Okay. (pause) Jack, I know this must be so hard. Without your grace, without your powers, it's a lot, I'm sure. But you can get past this. I know you will. I have faith in you, Jack. And I believe in you.

14x01

///

I do talk a little bit in places about Sam ignoring Jack after Ouroboros, which is I *think* the take you're referring to? Sam starts going on hunt-after-hunt-after-hunt, and he runs everyone around him ragged. (He feels spun out and responsible for the deaths of the AU hunters.)

His grief manifests in such a way that he doesn't look up, and he puts pressure on Dean to jump when he says jump, not even allowing for rest. He's not thinking about what Jack's going through or what Dean might be going through post-Michael possession. He's got tunnel vision, and as the "youngest in the family," Sam is perhaps used to resources being diverted towards himself.

DEAN: We've just done three back-to-back Hunts. I need some rest. At least a night. We both do. SAM: Yeah, well I'm leaving in ten.

14x15

The pressure Dean feels is that, knowing Sam's mental state, Sam will be in danger alone. And Sam, like Dean in 14x03, is itching to get out on the hunt. Except Sam is doing this on multiple back-to-back hunts. He doesn't give an inch when Dean tries to create a healthy stop point.

Cas and Dean ARE juggling Sam and Jack's struggles. They're even checking in about Rowena.

CAS: Oh. Thought you, uh, were gonna sleep until the cows dragged you home. DEAN: That's not the -- Never mind. I was putting some gear away, and Rowena called. CAS: How is she? DEAN: Not great. She's coping. But, uh, you know, at least she's not dead. How's the kid? CAS: Well, he says he's good, but What about Sam? He says he's good. DEAN: I think they're both full of crap.

14x15

It's interesting to me that Rowena calls Dean this time, because Dean is the one who know what she's going through about Michael. Sam is her usual go-to, but he's wrapped up in his own grief.

[avaelangel]

I have something to say about Travis x Laura.

I don't think it deserves hate that much. Yeah, it's a man in his 50s and a girl in her 20s. But if you think more about the plot itself, it's quite visible that they work as a couple only at some capacity.

Firstly, some thinks to know: all of the fan wiki camp counselors say "young adult" as their age and not "teenager". I think it might be a more formal way of saying their approximate age, but still. We know, that Max & Laura, Jacob & Emma and Dylan are the ones going to school (or trying to) for sure. The rest might be younger or older.

Also, Laura was supposed to work at the nurses office. I assume that there was an actual nurse and as stand-in Kaitlyn was just her assistant. But what if not? It makes Laura way more expireneced at least at looking after the wounds. She might be one of those characters, who learn everything from the books, but she have to be stubborn and persistent enough to know how to treat a scratched out eye with the stuff she had at the police station. So, even she looks and behaves like a teenager when there is no danger, she springs into action like a warrior when she needs to. I don't think that's a point to miss here.

If you allow me to say, i'm not really sure Travis is the favorite Hackett son. He's the older one, childless, with less communication skills than Chris. He loves his family, for sure. He might be a little creepy, but i think it stems from being raised as a helper, not the talker. He bottled up his emotions for decades while trying to look out for each and every family member. The game's plot is literally his life as he knew it crumbling aroung him.

Kaylee and Caleb might have been the only ones Travis got emotionally close to. He's the weird, gruff uncle with a heart of gold, who would probably sneak them his snacks or teach them survival skills Chris thought they wouldn't need.

So, maybe at first Travis sees them in Max & Laura. He can't get close and personal with these two, because at first he doesn't know what to do with them, he can't risk it and a bit later he can't put them in a harm's way. He plans to rely on Laura, because he for sure searched for her job application. And he's a bit naive, because he's tired. But in the end, she does end it all. Most of the time.

But if you are going trough a civil-relationship type of route and save everyone, Laura gets Max back. Only two Hacketts, Chris and Kaylee are dead. Why would Travis interfere? Laura is for sure traumatized almost as much as him, the reality of murder will set in for her sooner or later. They will keep in touch, maybe meeting every so often in the diner outside her college town. He's the only heir to the Hacketts lands, even if his parents hate him now. He needs to look out for Caleb.

There is also Max's death. Death of a majority of characters. Let's say, Chris kills his parents and Bobby, and then stabbed Ryan shoots him. This might not be possible without Travis or Laura dying, but bear with me. If the story leaves these two alive and bloody, there isn't anything left. No real world left, they would have to bury the bodies and come with some story. Without twisting, they would probably go to jail or on the run. They are tied together, but i think a different dynamic comes to mind first, rather than a romantic (and troubled) relationship.

I dubbed this "Punisher & Amy" dynamic. A man with only blood on his hands to his name and a girl that seemingly lost everything too. She reminds him of everything he's lost and he's afraid she will turn into him. I don't really think Travis would prevent the last thing. Against his better judgement, now he would be the one trying to get along with her. Bring her snacks and allowing her to write to her parents when they are on the run. Take a plea deal, so she would get out? By god.

"Romantic stylez" in this case doesn't come with any normal function that a good relationship has. I don't want to imagine a scenario, where Max & Laura are broken up specifically for that reason. So, we kill him again. We kill the majority of the Hacketts and councelors with Laura's hands and not. Everything was pointless. Travis is in mourning and his camp is now full of bodies. He has only Laura to turn to and they would probably came up with some story about kids going stir crazy. Or drug addicts relapsing while hiking not that far away. Blame the dead, lick their wounds, disappear. If Laura had family, they will never see her again.

And Travis, of course, would not kill her or torture her. She's a symbol of an end to him, and he's a symbol of a horrible start to her. They probably going to be horrible together. Looking for supernatural trouble one way or another, to prevent the next curse for the next group of people.

Here we are. I do think there is love possible between these two characters. But it's either love of shared nightmares, blooming into a life-long friendship or love of shared pain & blood blooming into attachment that is inhumanely possible to break. And of course, in fan fiction and fan art everything in between may happen. This post is my fan-thing.

Thanks for bearing with me, cubs. You may PM me with your thoughts, if you want.

[thebloggerbloggerfun]

@jellydeans: so are cas and jimmy novak just up in heaven existing at the same time @katebushstandean: #jimmy moves to heaven timbuku so that dean stops trying to make out with him every time they run into each other at the heaven grocery store

LINK

Thanks for letting me write this, guys!!

AO3  (2.1k)

The thing about Heaven was that it was whatever you wanted it to be, and most of its residents wanted it to be familiar.

Technically, Dean didn’t need to fill his car up on gas anymore, but there was still a gas station just down the street from where his new home was placed. He didn’t need to sleep, but he still had a large king-sized bed he made sure to make use of at least once a day. He didn’t need to eat, but there was a thriving supermarket that catered to whatever he was feeling like eating and always boasted the freshest ingredients for when he wanted to get a little fancy with his cooking.

Like today, for example.

Bobby had said he doubted Dean could make a proper souffle, so obviously Dean had to make the old man eat his words - and a souffle.

Dean stared at all of the different options of eggs, trying to decide if “free-range” vs. “organic” actually meant anything in Heaven, or if it was just meant to give him some sort of familiarity.

He grabbed the “free-range” option and moved on to the dairy.

There was movement out of the corner of his eye in the meat section across the way, and the way his heart stopped in his chest when he turned to look would have killed him if he wasn’t already dead.

It was Cas.

Cas, who Dean had spent every day thinking about since he’d left. Cas, who Dean had been trying to find ever since Bobby told him he was still around. Cas, who Dean still had unfinished business with.

He’d spend hours in bed, staring at the ceiling of his room and rehearsing just what he’d say when he saw him again, but in those scenarios Cas had shown up on his doorstep or in the passenger seat of his car where they could have a moment to just be .

He’d never been buying hamburger meat.

Dean rushed forward, cart forgotten, and skidded to a halt in front of Cas, just as he looked up in surprise.

“I love you -” Dean said in a rush, heart pounding, head reeling, “Of course I love you. You’re - fuck - you’re everything I could ever want and I’m - I’m so damn sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t have me, too.”

Cas blinked at him, and it was in that moment Dean realized something was wrong.

His expression, his hair, the way he moved, the way he was dressed - all of it was wrong.

None of it was Cas, he’d just been too overwhelmed to see it.

“Oh, uh... hey Dean,” Not-Cas said, and finished putting his selected meat in his basket, “I didn’t didn’t know that you died. Um, if you’re looking for Castiel -“

Dean turned and ran out of the store.

*

What were the fucking chances that in all of Heaven, he and Cas’s old vessel were neighbors?

Dean gunned the gas pedal on his car as he drove endlessly, trying to walk himself through what exactly had happened the day before.

Jimmy Novak was here.

Jimmy Novak who - last Dean checked - hated him.

Dean had just spewed his feelings all over him without even thinking about the possibility that he wasn’t Cas. He’d been wearing a sweater vest for crying out loud - but he was willing to forgive himself for that one because he didn’t really know how Cas would dress if he had the choice.

His hopes had soared so high when he’d seen the familiar figure, only to be dashed the moment Jimmy had opened his mouth. They sounded absolutely nothing alike - and Dean yearned for the deep gravel of Castiel’s greeting.

Dean’s grip on the wheel tightened.

Where was Cas?

Didn’t he know that there was nothing keeping them apart now?

In what could only be an act of fate smiling down on him, Dean zoomed around a corner near the Heavenly library, and instantly had to stomp on the brakes of the Impala as a trenchcoat-clad figure stepped into the previously empty crosswalk.

Old habits die hard - Dean was still going to brake for Heavenly pedestrians, especially ones that looked like Cas.

Cas turned to look at him, eyes wide, and Dean shoved the driver’s side door open in a panic. The trench coat was unmistakable this time.

“Cas! Cas - don’t go okay? I gotta -“

Cas shook his head sharply and let out a breath.

“No - Jesus Christ - it’s still me, you idiot.”

Dean gaped at him as his brain tried to catch up with the conflicting bits of information it was processing.

“...what?” He heard himself saying.

Had he just wanted it to be Cas so bad that he’d ignored all the signs?

Jimmy gestured at himself like it was enough of an explanation.

“Uh. Yeah.”

“But - but you’re wearing his trenchcoat! ” Dean said, waved at it like maybe Jimmy hadn’t realized he was walking around as the mockery of the angel who’d once shared a living space with him.

Jimmy placed an affronted hand on his own chest.

“It was my trenchcoat!”

Frustration boiled inside of him and Dean quickly slid back into the car and slammed the door shut behind him.

He sped off, once again running from what could have been.

*

Dean was sulking under a pile of blankets in his bed when there was a knock at his door.

He ignored it.

After a few moments of silence, the knocking came again, louder and more insistent this time.

Grumbling to himself, Dean threw the blankets off and trudged down the stairs, flinging open the door with a scowl.

A person with nearly combed hair was standing on the doorstep holding a six-pack of beer in one hand and had a sticker on his shirt that said, ‘Hello, my name is Jimmy’.

“Very funny.” Dean said flatly.

“It’s not funny. It’s just in case you try to kiss me or something.” Jimmy held up the six-pack expectantly. “Can I come in?”

Dean didn’t appreciate the ribbing, but he didn’t mind the beer.

And after accosting him twice he might as well let the guy do what he wanted.

“Yeah, whatever.” Dean grumbled and left the door open as he walked back inside and flopped onto his couch. “Why are you here? Don’t you hate me?”

Jimmy hummed as he set the beer down on the coffee table and took a seat opposite Dean.

“I don’t not hate you.” He said with a shrug. “But last time we talked you were trying to convince me to chain myself to a comet again and I can’t say I appreciated it.”

Dean grunted in acknowledgment.

“I’ve been in heaven for a while now. It’s nice here. I take a yoga class with my wife.” Jimmy smiled at him. “I think I’m in a much better mental space now to consider liking you, especially if we’re going to be neighbors.”

Dean winced.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to like Jimmy, it was just… that was Cas’s face. It wasn’t , but it was. Was he really going to have to be constantly taunted with it?

“Look man - I’m sorry about - you know. That.” Dean waved a hand in the air generally. “But you don’t have to do all this. I’ll stop harassing you.”

“That would be nice,” Jimmy said, opening one of the cans and taking a swig, “So, considering the things you’ve said to me, I take it he finally told you he loved you?”

Dean paused, still raw every time he thought about it.

“You knew?”

Jimmy smirked.

“That angel’s love for you permeated both of our beings so potently I’m amazed I don’t love you.” Jimmy said, like it was the kind of fact you could drop casually. “Though even I will admit, as a happily married heterosexual man, that having a man as handsome as you proclaim your love to me in the middle of a grocery store was very exciting.”

Dean dropped his head into his hands and groaned loudly.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it,” Jimmy said, “That first one was pretty good. I’m sure he’s going to love it.”

“He’s never gonna hear it.” Dean muttered.

“Sure he will. You’ve already practiced it twice.”

“I can’t find him!” Dean said, and looked back up, “He’s here somewhere, and I can’t find him. It’s killing me.”

Jimmy held out a beer can.

“Good thing you’re already dead.”

Begrudgingly, Dean accepted the beer and opened it.

“I just. . . I just wanna see him again.” Dean took a long drink. “I want to talk to him. Tell him everything. Share everything. If he wants that.”

Dean let out a long breath, expecting Jimmy to interject with a quip.

He looked over at him when nothing happened, and Jimmy was smiling at him in a way that Dean could only describe as ‘fond’.

“What?” Dean said, indignantly.

“Nothing.” Jimmy said innocently. “You’re just not what I expected.”

Dean looked away.

“Anyway, you asked why I’m here,” Jimmy took another drink, “I’ve seen Castiel.”

“What?” Dean jumped to his feet, beer can dropped to the floor and forgotten about. “Why didn’t you lead with that?”

“I’m an enigma,” Jimmy shrugged a shoulder and leaned back against the plush chair, “Anyway, I wanted to let you know as someone who has literally been in Castiel’s head - I'm pretty sure I know the reason he’s not showing himself to you.”

“Well, fucking spill.”

Jimmy paused.

“Why do you love him?”

Of all the things Dean had been expecting Jimmy to say - this wasn’t it.

Dean sat back down.

“Why?” He asked, a little breathless. “Why does it matter?”

Jimmy shrugged again.

“I guess -” Dean said, trying to unspool his emotions from the knot they’d made in his heart, “He’s - he’s Cas. He cares . . . so much about everyone and - and he’s selfless and kind and he fucking saved me in more ways than just one. He’s always been there for me and Sam and he’s just… he’s just. He’s just good . I’ll never deserve him, but I want to try.”

Dean sucked in a deep breath.

“He pulls me away from the edge, man. I just love him.”

Jimmy nodded once, set down his beer can, and in a bizarre turn of events, began yelling at Dean’s ceiling.

“Did you hear that, Castiel? Not one goddamn thing about how you look! Nothing about me or my vessel!”

Dean stared, dumbfounded.

“Wh-”

“He doesn’t care what you look like! Can you please just come talk to him so I can stop playing marriage counselor for you two?”

Care how he - what?  

What was happening?

Before Dean could fully compile all of the new information, there was a hesitant knock at the front door.

Dean whipped his head towards Jimmy, who was smiling in satisfaction.

Nearly tripping over himself, Dean rushed to the door faster than he’d rushed towards anything in his life, and swung it open.

In front of him was the wavelength of celestial intent that Dean had always known existed inside of the vessel of Jimmy Novak - the glint of angelic creation he’d caught glimpses of in the glow of his eyes and in his healing touch. The being was massive and stretched high into the sky with what was (maybe three? four??) pairs of wings scraping the clouds even further above everything. He was flaming rings and rotating divine faces that Dean could barely comprehend - he was raw power and all-knowing eyes.

On the front of his form was a sticker that read, ‘Hello, my name is Castiel’.  

“. . . Hello Dean.” The voice rumbled through the air like thunder.

“Cas?” Dean said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“I - yes. I’m sorry. I lost my vessel to the Empty - this was the only way -”

“I love you, too.”

The rotating faces on the form towering above him froze in place.

“I do! I love you, Cas. Okay? You didn’t let me say it back before - and if I’ve ever made you feel like I couldn’t love you back, I’m so fucking sorry. You deserve better.”

“. . . you love me?”

Dean nodded, his heart clenching at the disbelief he could hear in Cas’s voice.

“ Even as this?”

“You’ve always been this.” Dean swallowed. “I fell in love with the angel, not the vessel.”

“Dean. . .”

Dean smiled up at him in understanding.

“Just a shame that we’ll have to get a bigger house.”

“Oh I can -”

And as Dean looked on, Castiel began to shrink. The form didn’t change - he was still as striking as he’d been the first time with his wings and halos and faces still firmly in place - but he was now maybe one foot taller than Dean instead of one hundred.

“- make myself more manageable.”

Dean grinned and took a step forward, giddy and thrilled that this was finally, actually happening

He reached up, resting a hand on one of the divine faces.

“Bite-sized.” He murmured fondly.

Jimmy’s voice cut through the moment from somewhere behind them.

“Just so you two know - I. Am. Moving!”

[homerforsure]

Whumptober No. 6 Bruises / Touch Starved / Hunger Whumptober No. 30 major character death / left for dead / ghosts

Me: I can’t believe I have to post this absolutely incomprehensible piece of writing. 

Me: You don’t... have to?

Me: No, I’m gonna. 

Buck has an exceptional number of pillows on his bed. There are six, before he knocks a few to the floor every night, and he burrows into them like a nest, curling up with one against his chest, two pressed against his back, one between his legs. His sheets are a ridiculously priced, cool, crisp cotton that welcomes him in, surrounding him. The blankets he uses aren’t weighted, but they’re heavy and thick and he keeps his air conditioning turned up so he doesn’t have to give up the feeling of nestling into them in the heat of summer. Along with the white noise machine on his night stand, all of it is chosen to trick him into sleep. To keep back the feeling that night time in his own apartment is the loneliest part of Buck’s day. 

It wasn’t perfect, pre-covid. It’s been a long time since Buck had someone share his space, share his bed, someone he could reach out and touch whenever he wanted. But his life outside of home was full. He didn’t lack for closeness; in some ways he had more than he’d ever dreamed. So while he had lonely moments, they weren’t a constant ache in his chest. 

These months though. These months hurt. Facetime isn’t a substitute for curling up on Maddie’s couch with whatever silly-labeled wine she’d liked best that week. It’s definitely not a substitute for Eddie’s couch and losing to Christopher over and over again at Mario Kart. The last time they talked, Eddie had reached over and ruffled Christopher’s hair and Buck felt it. First as a tingle up the back of his scalp and then as a bruise to his heart. Eddie’s touches, so constant and so casual, became essential somewhere along the way and Buck feels himself reaching out for them even when he knows it’s not allowed.

“Six feet, gentlemen,” Bobby says gently when their orbits swing toward each other and Eddie makes a dramatic show of raising his hands and taking a giant step backward. Bobby just shakes his head and reminds them it’s the price they all agreed to pay for not wearing masks in the firehouse. 

Buck starts dreading the end of a call when taking off his heavy turnout coat leaves him feeling cold and exposed. He folds into himself, claiming a chair, putting in earbuds and crossing his arms tight over his chest, pulling his knees up even though he knows better than to put his shoes on the furniture.

It’s a similar position to the one he lies in at night, clinging to the pillows, trying to draw comfort out of the smooth fabric. In those moments, his loneliness is so loud it might as well be a beacon sent out into the universe, a burning shout of need. 

And that shout is heard. 

***

“Have you guys heard of exploding head syndrome?” Buck asks one morning when the calls are slow and the crew is all lingering in a lazy way rather than rushing off to take care of their other duties. 

“What, the band?” Chimney asks.

“I think it was an album,” Bobby says.

“No,” Buck sighs. “It’s a sleep thing. It’s this loud noise that you hear when you’re falling asleep like a massively loud explosion. Only it’s just happening in your head.”

“Is your brain actually exploding? Like an aneurism?”

“No. It’s just the noise.” 

Just the loudest noise Buck had ever heard. It woke him up with a feeling of abject terror. It was an explosion that didn’t echo. It just rang, clear and true through his eardrums like the end of the world. Even as he struggled out of his sheets, searching for the source so he could run from it, part of him knew it wasn’t a sound that left any physical evidence. What could it even be? A sound like that? An old fashioned safe dropping from two stories up? A car crash without the crunch? Just a high speed collision of two immovable objects, all of the equal and opposite reaction of their momentum forced to escape as sound. 

Once his heart rate had slowed, he googled. He wasn’t initially sure what to google. “Ridiculously loud noise woke me up” seemed at once too vague and too specific but sure enough. Exploding Head Syndrome. It was what happened. Obviously. But Buck remained too full of adrenaline to sleep. As he sat up in bed, he couldn’t shake the urge to look around. Under the bed, in the closet, behind the shower curtain. He didn’t feel alone. 

“I’m just glad it’s happening in your head instead of mine,” Chim laughs. “Maybe try putting some earmuffs on before you go to sleep tonight.” ***

The sound doesn’t reappear. Buck is relieved, but sleeping doesn’t get any easier. He tries to soothe himself with obscenely long hot baths, by ordering a hoodie that’s more fluff than fabric, by running a foam roller across his muscles, trying to pry them into relaxation. It’s so much work and it does so little. Buck’s entire body is screaming out at all times for a hug or a massage or even just a really fucking good haircut. It takes longer and longer to fall asleep and the little sleep he does get isn’t restful. It’s like whatever meager comfort he manages to give himself during the day is leached away in the night. 

He doesn’t even notice the bruises at first. It’s an easy enough thing to miss. Their job is heavy physical labor and Buck barrels through a scene like a one man stampede. Bruises are as common as the smell of smoke in his hair. The ones Eddie points out on his arm though are different. 

Buck’s carrying a kitten at the time. The fire they’ve been fighting is beaten back to smolders. Buck shucked off his coat, wet and dripping from the hose and too cold for the shaking animal, and grabbed a blanket from the ambulance to wrap her up and cradle her against his chest. He’s rubbing his face against her damp fur, feeling the softness like a concentrated shot of endorphins when Eddie asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

“What are you talking about?” Buck asks and Eddie’s hands are pushing up the sleeves of his shirt, rolling them up to his shoulders while Buck’s trying to hold onto the cat.

“You don’t feel that?”

“Feel what?” He’s maybe a little ruder than he means to be but the sleep deprivation makes him cranky and the touch deprivation means that Eddie’s gently probing fingers feel like a dream on his skin. The care in the brush of his hands makes Buck’s knees weak. 

“Your arms are bruised to hell,” Eddie says. “Are you- Did someone grab you or something?”

“I swear to god, Eddie. I don’t feel anything.” Except grumpy and exhausted and longing. 

“Jesus, it goes all the way up your shoulders. It looks like-” He stops, pulling Buck’s collar aside and tracing a small spot that Buck can’t see even if he turns his head. “They look like fingerprints, Buck. Are you seeing someone?” 

“What!”

“These are handprints. And they’re dark. Do you really not-”

Buck wrenches himself from Eddie’s grasp so he can turn around and look at him because if Eddie’s really accusing him of putting everyone at risk by trying to date someone right now… But Eddie’s face is nothing but concerned. Which makes Buck scared. 

“Is it really that bad?” he asks, clutching the cat to his chest. 

Eddie rubs a hand up Buck’s back (it feels so good, hot like Buck’s t-shirt isn’t even between them and is it just because it’s been so long or just because it’s Eddie?) without looking around to see if Bobby’s watching and that’s really all the confirmation Buck needs. It’s bad. 

***

After that, Buck starts to feel them. He wakes up and he can’t breathe. He wakes up and he can’t move. He wakes up on the floor. He spends every moment that he’s asleep fighting to wake up. Buck can only remember fragments and pieces of the torment but he knows that it feels like drowning. Like being held down. Like being grabbed and pulled and smothered. He thinks he remembers long dark hair. 

Google is useless. Sleep apnea. Sleep paralysis. Sleep terrors. Even sleepwalking. None of them can account for the worst of it. For the physical signs of whatever is happening to him while he sleeps.

Bruises bloom blue on the pale skin of his hips. Purple on his ribs. Green on the back of his neck. The ones that Eddie saw first on his arm fade to yellow.  A long scratch runs down the side of his face. Dark circles under his eyes grow darker every day. 

“What’s happening to me?” he asks his reflection.

All he wants is to be able to ask that question with someone’s arms around him. He wants anyone to hold him tight and shush his fears and tell him that it’ll be okay. 

It’s easier than he thought to hide it. Buck just chooses his shower times strategically and opts for a long sleeve uniform, complaining that he ruined his short sleeves ones by grabbing bleach instead of detergent while he was half asleep. 

He’s always half asleep these days.

At least in the bunk rooms, he gets some semblance of rest. Whatever presence he feels in his own bedroom doesn’t cross this threshold and Buck sleeps deeply, almost missing the scream of the alarm. 

“It’s getting worse isn’t it?” Eddie asks, cornering Buck in the locker room. Buck can’t help but nod and Eddie steps closer as if to touch him. 

Buck flinches away and Eddie pulls up short as though hitting an invisible wall. 

He breathes Buck’s name on a pained exhale and says, “You have to get some help. Whatever it is…”

“I don’t know what it is!’ Buck answers. “It’s living in my house and it- it- God. Maybe I need an exorcism.”

“Maybe you should come home with me,” Eddie suggests and Buck recoils again. 

The firehouse seems safe but there’s no guarantee that Buck won’t be followed anywhere else. He’s desperate to be safe--desperate for Eddie to make him safe--but not at the expense of anyone else. Not when he doesn’t know what he’s facing. 

“Okay,” Eddie says. “But call me in the morning.” 

***

The burned girl screams louder when she sees Buck than she did while they were putting out the inferno of her car. 

“Stay away from me!” She shrieks. “Stay awaystayawaystayaway.”

“Miss, we’re going to need you to calm down,” Hen says to her. “Buck, you wanna move aside? Like preferably somewhere she can’t see you?”

Buck does because the patient’s well-being is more important than anything, but his skin feels like ice. He wants to demand to know what else she sees when she looks at him. Wants to know how she knows. For half a second, he imagines following her to the hospital and waiting for her outside the glass doors.  

They aren’t far from her house (52% of accidents happen within five miles of home) and the girl’s father arrives on the scene before they finish prepping her to be transported. And he sees Buck. 

He freezes when he does, but at least he doesn’t scream. He ignores Buck completely, instead going to the ambulance where his daughter is still crying and trying to soothe her. Hen offers to let him ride in the ambulance, but he says that he’ll take his car. 

“You’re in a lot of trouble,” he says, returning to Buck as the ambulance pulls away. “What you summoned… That’s not a normal ghost.”

“I didn’t summon anything! It just happened.” Buck’s voice is high-pitched and he just barely stops himself from grabbing onto the man’s arm, but the man doesn’t seem afraid of Buck the way his daughter was. “What is it? How do I make it go away?”

The man shrugs, “She came in through an open door. Which door depends on the person. But she’ll do everything in her power to keep it pried open. All you can do is try to close it again.”

It is… the least helpful advice Buck’s ever been given in his entire life. But the man’s daughter is on her way to the hospital and he needs to follow her. He vanishes. 

***

They’re about to have four days off. Buck’s bracing himself to meet the woman in his dreams. To look around in that dreamspace for open doors and slam them shut again. He can do it. He has to. 

***

The next night Buck wakes up and he can’t move. He’s paralyzed on the bed. He’s paralyzed on the bed and someone’s standing at the top of his stairs. 

She’s not… right. Buck can’t quite see in the dark and he can’t lift his head but the woman on his stairs isn’t solid in the way a human should be. The outline of her is strong, but it’s like she’s a shell wrapped around a cavernous emptiness. She’s across the room but she’s already pulling at him. 

Buck tries to thrash but his arms are pinned as if her hands are already on his wrists. He needs to reach the lamp. If he can just turn on the light.

“Get away from me,” he pleads and the part of her face where lips should be turns up, revealing pointed teeth that stand in front of a void.

“You called me,” she says. The words don’t come from her mouth and Buck doesn’t hear them with his ears. It’s wrong wrong wrong. He throws himself hard to the left and he rolls, flying further than he expected to, suddenly free, and crashes hard into the table, knocking the lamp to the floor. It shatters, bulb and all and pain scrapes across Buck’s shoulders.

“Poor boy,” the ghost mocks. “Poor lonely boy. Just wants someone to touch him. Just wants someone to stay with him. I heard you.”

“No,” Buck says and he tries to scramble, but his feet can’t find purchase on the floor. “I didn’t want you.”

He doesn’t deny the call. Can’t deny it when his heart is reaching out in the same pleading, desperate way now. Please. Anyone.

In the time it takes to blink she’s in front of him. She’s so close. She shouldn’t be able to get that close without standing on him but she’s there. Her voice whispers in his mind, “You should choose your words more carefully.”

And then her hands are around his throat.

The pressure is insistent and her motive is unmistakable. She’s going to kill him. She’s going to squeeze the life out of him. He’s going to die here and Eddie’s going to find his body because Eddie’s going to come rushing over as soon as Buck doesn’t call him in the morning and what if this thing is still here waiting for him. 

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Buck’s mind yells for him like his lungs did when Eddie was buried except now it’s Buck who’s too far away, who’s trapped somewhere deep and dark with no hope of escape. 

He tries to breathe and his breath whistles. It’s like the first time someone handed him a styrofoam cup of coffee and he tried to drink through the plastic stir stick. Black stars twinkle in the room and tears build in his eyes. 

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. 

There’s a shift as she adjusts her grip and it’s enough for the stars to clear. Buck throws himself forward, shaking his head like he isn’t a ragdoll trapped in the jaws of a rottweiler, like he has a hope of breaking free and then he does. The ghost is thrown off balance and Buck jumps, scrambling back over his bed for the stairs. He can’t even think about defeating her, finding out the secrets of where she came from, closing whatever fucking door he left open. All Buck wants to do is live. 

A force behind him swells like a wave to lift Buck off his feet and slams him into the bathroom door. He expects to slide off of it and onto the floor, but he’s held in place hard, his head turned and his cheek pressed to the wood, toes just brushing the ground. 

“You begged me to come,” the ghost hisses. “I’m here for you, lonely boy. Don’t fight so hard.”

A hand skims up his back, nearly gentle, but leaving a numbness in its path and Buck shudders in disgust. He jerks against the door, but his arms are wrenched behind him and he screams. He realizes it’s the first time he has.

“I didn’t call you! I don’t want you here! Get out.”

“I came because you needed me.” A long finger trails down his cheek and Buck whimpers. She’s taller than him now. Was she always? “I could feel you from so far away. An aching ball of need. I’m here for you now.” 

“I don’t need you,” Buck growls and the room flashes like lightning. He hopes to fall, almost expects to fall, where he can scramble again but instead, Buck is hurled away from the door completely. He has time to see that he’s above the stairs, throw his hands out uselessly and then he’s frozen. 

Buck hovers there in the air above the stairs, dangling in the grip of the ghost, like a cat grabbed by his scruff. Kicking wildly, he grabs for the invisible hand that’s holding him, yelling “No, no, no, no.”

“Need me now?” the ghost asks. 

Smothering the terrified part of him that nearly answers yes, Buck forces himself to stop twisting and just hang there. He doesn’t want to fall. He doesn’t want to die. But what he needs isn’t going to come from the ghost. 

“No,” he answers. 

And he can’t explain how he knows what her face looks like when it’s screwed up in fury, but he does. It’s vicious and vindictive and Buck’s not surprised at all when he’s flicked away from her and down the flight of stairs. 

He seems to hit each one as he falls, something that should be impossible with the speed that he’s traveling and the force with which he bounces off of them, but the ghost is obviously responsible. Air leaves his lungs as his ribs crack against the stairs. His elbows and knees scrape. His head bangs the rail. Buck’s long, long legs seem to tangle as he falls, cartwheeling him down and he lands in a heap at the bottom. 

As he tries to figure out if he can still move, the door flies open. 

Warmth rushes in. Buck hadn’t even realized how cold it had gotten since he first woke up, but the room seems to thaw around him. It’s like sunlight. 

It’s Eddie. 

“Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Evan. Buck. I’ve got you, Buck. I’ve got you.” 

Tenderly, he scoops Buck off the floor, unsnarling the mess of his limbs and feeling all over for the damage he can’t see. “I’ve got you. Open your eyes. Come on.” 

The ghost stands at the top of the stairs and then she’s at the bottom. Buck clambers backward again, digging his heels into the floor to push himself upright in front of Eddie, to try and hide him from view. Eddie doesn’t seem to see the ghost. All of his attention is still on Buck, stroking his hair, promising over and over that he’s there, that he has Buck. 

All of the ghost’s attention is on Buck too. “You need me,” she says. “You called for me.” She sounds different now. Bitter. Like Buck wasted her precious time. 

“I don’t need you,” he says and he reaches behind him to grab Eddie’s hand. “I already have everything I need.” 

Lights flicker and that impossibly loud sound bangs in Buck’s ears again. He gets one last look at the ghost’s vicious, violent visage and then she’s gone. 

And then Buck wakes up.

[libraryofloveletters]

prompts 8 + 9 for Buck omgggg 🥲🥲🥲

Can’t Lose Him

Evan Buckley x Reader 

Warnings: fem!reader, mentions of hospitals and injuries, minimal swearing, mentions of pregnancy and Chim’s accident, big brother!Chim

Prompts: #8: “you promised me you wouldn't be reckless! You promised me!” #9: “Does he know about the baby?” 

Category: mix of angst and fluff

Word Count: 2.4k

Author’s Note: I loved writing this so thank you for requesting! :) 

---

Pacing the room, Hen reached out for your hand. “C’mon, your feet must hurt. Sit down” you sighed, once again you were in a hospital waiting room in the middle of the night with the team and Maddie because Buck’s idiotic self got himself hurt again. 

“I’m okay Hen, thank you” you gave her a slight smile. Bobby was talking to the doctors because you couldn't bring yourself to hear what he’s done this time. Bobby returned, Athena by his side now. “Oh honey,” she pulled you into a hug, you could feel yourself melting into her arms, she sat with you and her arm wrapped around your shoulder. Bobby sat to the other side of you. 

“The doctor said that the pressure of the block cracked a rib, which then punctured a lung. He also has a mild concussion but they say it shouldn't be too bad” 

“Is he out of surgery ?” 

“He is, but he’s in recovery now. It might be a little bit before we get to see him” Bobby gives your shoulder a squeeze, you nodded.

Taking a look around the waiting room, Chim held Maddie as she slept with her head on his shoulder. Eddie sat to the other side of them, on the phone with Carla and Christopher. Hen was now talking to Bobby about something. 

This wasn't an unusual scene but a familiar one. Regardless of what was going on or who it was, the 118 always shows for their own. 

A rather tall man came into the waiting room. “Buckley ?” he called out, everyone stood, the doctor seemed surprised to see so many people at 4 in the morning. Your hand was resting on your stomach, you could feel eyes burning into your side. Looking to the left, Chim’s eyes were fixed on your hand, you nodded in his direction with your brows furrowed. He shook his head, you didn’t think much of it. 

“We can take one person in if someone would like to go in now? He’s still asleep but he’s stable as of now” your heart sunk at the term “as of now”, shaking the feeling, you look over at Maddie. 

“Do you want to go in first ?” 

“You go ahead, I'll walk with you and then I'll see him after. I might take a lap, my back is killing me” she gave your hand a squeeze, the two of you followed the doctor to a room down the hall. 

She came in for a moment to kiss her brother’s head and then left you alone in the room with him. You sat at his bedside, your hand held onto his. His hand was cold, the monitor was still going and you could hear his heart beating through the deafening silence but it felt strange. 

Every time you found yourself back here, it felt odd. 

Buck was a warrior in every sense of the word, he pulled through, always. 

“Oh baby, what did you get yourself into” sighing and leaning back into the chair. Once again, your hand comes down to rest on your stomach, the other hand still holding Buck’s. His hand twitched slightly, he was starting to wake up. “Don’t move hun,” your hand rested on his chest softly, Buck’s brows furrowed. 

“Wh-who are you?” his head tilted slightly, your heart dropped. The panic started to set in but you knew better than to let him see it. 

He’ll come around, he’s just woozy from surgery. 

“Why are you here?” he asked once again, “I'm-” you started but was cut off by a little chuckle from Buck. “You ass!” you let out a breath, “god, you scared me”

“Sorry baby, I didn't mean to scare you” 

“Yeah? So why am I sitting in a hospital room while you’re all banged up” 

“We could bang if you wanted” he gave you one of his stupid wicked smiles

“Evan Buckley!” you scolded him, “now is not the time” your hand held onto his arm, your finger tracing over the tattoo on his bicep. “You really scared me, the whole punctured lung this isn't a cute look Buck” 

“Really ? And here I was thinking that I was pulling it off” 

Something flipped in you, you went from relief to anger in .2 of a second. “How could you?” hitting his shoulder, you stood up. “Ow! What did I do ? I'm just laying here” Buck whined, you know you didn't actually hurt him, he's just being dramatic. 

“I know it’s your job to run into burning buildings but would it kill you to be safe? You can't fucking save anyone if you’re dead Evan!” 

“Woah, calm down first of all, and why are you calling me Evan ?” 

“Is that not your frigging name ?!” 

You were starting to lose your patience. You loved Buck, any and everyone knew that but you couldn't deal with how stupid he could be sometimes. He’d run straight into danger to help others but not once would he stop to think of what could possibly happen to him. 

“Where is this coming from ?” he asked you, looking at you. He reached for your hand but you pulled away. You find yourself pacing again, trying to calm yourself before you strangle him with his IV line. “What do you mean ‘where is this coming from?’ you had a giant block of concrete on your chest Buck! If Eddie didn't find you, you'd be dead, you were on the verge of death as it is.” 

“You don-” 

“I don't know that ? I know you’re dumb enough to run into a collapsing building, especially after Bobby told you not to go back inside” you gave him a look, your back up against the wall. Buck’s face went pale, he looked as if he saw a ghost. 

“What? You thought Eddie wouldn't tell me about your little stunt ? You should know better than that.”

“Y/n, baby, I didn’t think anything would happen to me” 

“You never think Buck, that's the problem! You promised me you wouldn't be reckless! You promised me! but you never listen, you never do. One of these days, you're going to walk in and not walk back out.” storming out of the room, Buck sat on the bed, his mouth hung open and confused as to what brought on the fit of rage you just had. 

Maddie walks into the room, “where’s y/n?” she sits beside him. Buck rubs his forehead, “um- she just went for some air” 

--

It was around 5:30 in the morning, you sat outside on the hood of Buck’s jeep. You had dropped him off at work and taken the jeep for the day, hence why you had it right now. 

Peaceful.

That’s how you’d describe your surroundings. There was no one in the parking lot, you laid back on the hood as your hand came down to your stomach once again, staring aimlessly up into the sky. It wasn't dark but the sun hadn't fully come up yet. It was right before dawn, the world felt like it paused, not completely, but just enough for you to take in these few moments of peace. 

The weight shifted on the jeep, you opened your eyes to see Chim climbing up to sit beside you. “Hey, everyone’s looking for you” he says, laying back onto the hood beside you. “Yeah, I just needed some air” lying through your teeth, you give him as best of a smile that you could muster up. Chim’s eyes fixated on your hand once again, you watched him, practically hearing the turning in his head. 

“What's going on in there? The rebar taking its effect now?” you joke, he rolls his eyes. 

“Does he know about the baby?” he asks, you sit up and turn towards him. You hadn't told a soul. 

“How did-” 

“Maddie does it to- the hand on the belly thing. She's been doing it since before there was a bump. Just a motherly reflex I suppose” 

You stared off into space, Chim sat beside you quietly. “Does he know?” he asks once again, you shake your head. “I know it’s not my place,” he rests his hand on your shoulder, “but I think you should tell him. It might keep him from running into buildings without thinking.” 

“Did that work for you ?” 

“What do you mean ?” 

“When Maddie told you that she was pregnant, did you think twice before running into a burning building ?” 

“Honestly, at first it didn't. It didn't seem real until I saw the bump and heard the heartbeat. Then it all made sense ya know ? I couldn't risk getting hurt because I had something to live for, they were waiting for me to come home” 

“That's the thing, I don't want to lose him, Chim. I can’t lose him. I love him and I need him here, the baby needs him. There’s no way I can do this by myself” 

“You can, I know you would be able to do it by yourself but you shouldn’t have too. Buck’s an idiot but he loves you.”

Chim sat with you for a few more minutes, you considered everything he told you. How Buck might not change right away nor did you expect him too but if there was even a chance of him changing, you’d want him too. “Ready to go back in?” Chim slides off the hood, holding his hand out to you. You hold his hand and he helps you off the hood.

“We have a stop to make first” you walk in the opposite direction of Buck’s room. Chim follows you down to the gift shop, which was closed as it doesn’t open until 7.“Are you kidding me?” you groan, leaning back against the door. “We’ll figure something out,” Chim looks around. Eddie comes around the corner, “what are you guys doing here?” he walks over. 

“I needed something for Buck” 

“What did you need? Can’t it wait until they open?” 

“Eddie, I'm pregnant” you just blurt out, Eddie’s jaw drops, literally. 

“Congratulations!” he pulls you into a hug, “wait, you’re happy about it right?” he checks, you nod. 

“I need one of those stupid “world’s best dad” shirts for Buck but it's closed” 

Eddie looks at Chim and then looks around. “Are we gonna?” Chim points towards the door, looking at Eddie. “Yup” Eddie looks around once more, “lean your head towards me y/n” your face screws into a weird expression but abides anyways. Eddie pulls a bobby pin out of your hair, turning to the door and jams into the lock. He wiggles the pin around until the lock clicks open. 

“Voila” he smiles as pushes the door open. The 3 of you walk in, Eddie stays by the door to make sure no one was coming. “Chim, find a pen and paper for me please ?” you walk away to find the shirt you were looking for. Picking up 4, you shove them into a bag form behind the counter. You toss $30 onto the counter and scribble a little note for the person that opens that read: 

Had an emergency, needed a few shirts. Hope this cash covers it. Thanks! :) 

Eddie relocked the door before heading to Buck’s room. Everyone was now in the room, scattered in different places. Bobby was leaned up against a wall, Athena stood beside him, leaning into his side. Hen sat on the little counter by the window and Maddie was still in the chair beside his bed. Eddie went over and joined Hen by the window, Chim stood behind Maddie, his hand coming up to her shoulder. 

“Y/n..” Buck whispers as you walk in, you take a seat on the end of the bed by his hips. “I’m sorry” he says, his hand reaching out for yours. 

“You’re an idiot but, I guess, I forgive you” you say and Buck smiles at you. “What’s in the bag ?” he asks, you rest the bag on your lap. “Something for you boys” The guys exchange looks, Eddie and Chim knew you needed something for Buck but what did you get for them? 

Pulling out the shirts, you handed one to Buck first. It was a plain blue t-shirt with big white bold letters that read “world’s best dad”. Buck looked down at the shirt and then back at you, he repeated that process a few times and after a couple minutes he finally asked you. 

“Are you ?” he whispers, the room is silent. 

“Am I?” you ask.

“Pregnant ?” he finishes the question and you smile. 

“Yeah, I am” your hand rests on his, he pulls you into his side for a hug. You hug him, trying not to squish him and hurt him even more. 

“Okay,” you sit up and toss another shirt that said the same thing to Eddie. He caught it and smiled, “because Christopher couldn't have a better dad than you” Eddie gives you a smile and whispers a thank you. 

The next shirt gets tossed to Chim, he laughs. “You got one for me too?” he asks, pulling the shirt on over his sweater. “Yeah because baby girl Buckley is gonna be one lucky baby, despite your not-so-funny dad jokes” Maddie laughs at the comment, Chim does too. 

The last shirt goes over to Bobby. He gives you a look, “what’s this for ?” he asks, “Because not only have you been amazing with May and Harry but you’ve got a fire station full of ‘children’ that rely on you. Just a thanks for bringing them home in one piece, well for the most part” you pat Buck’s side.

The room is filled with happiness and love, the 118 was together once again, not just as firefighters but as a family. 

-- 

taglist: @ssa-volturi @advicefromnixxxx @dralexreid @keenmarvellover

[lalaangeldust]

𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐜𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐨𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 & 𝐫𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐬

[ 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 ] : none :)

[ 𝗳𝗲𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 ] : kaminari denki // bakugo katsuki // sero hanta

𝐤𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢 𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐤𝐢

ah yes, the bakusquad's resident pretty boy

he would definitely be the most obvious about his crush

two words: shitty flirting

horrible pick-up lines and just overall bad flirting

he pulls through sometimes though ( with sero's advice ) and his ego inflates through the roof if he can get you flustered and blushing

but if you give him the same energy, he will immediately combust

all function out the window

congratulations, you broke denki

none of your possessions are safe when denki is within the vicinity

shirts, hoodies, skirts, hats, jewelry, hair accessories

if he can grab it, he will have it

he has worn / stolen everything in your closet at least once, if not it is most definitely his goal

it does not matter if he fits it or not, he will make it work

he has no shame

but one time he stretched out one of your favorite skirts and it tore a bit and he felt soooo bad

"it not my fault i have a fat ass, y/n"

but he brought you to the mall on a date with him to get a new one, so it's all works out ;)

denki honestly just lives to make you laugh

every time he's the reason you're laughing, it makes his chest puff up so big

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON MF TICKLING

if you two are close, he will without a doubt start a mock wrestling match and it always turns into a tickling fit with you pinned underneath him and wailing

but do NOT under any circumstances tickle him

he with shriek like a girl and accidentally activate his quirk

you nearly died

HE FELT BAD FOR THAT TOO

he's also just so infatuated with like- everything you do????

it doesn't matter how mundane you think it might be, as long as you're doing it, denki is so enthralled watching whatever it is you're doing

it's rather endearing

in all honesty, he'd probably blurt out he likes you outta no where while in the middle of a convo

he lights up every time your name is so much as mentioned

or- or

he'd be day dreaming, completely lost in his own world and someone would come up to him and ask him what he's thinking ab cus he looks basically dead to the world

still in a daze from being abruptly brought back to reality he'd just dreamily sigh, "y/n~" without even realizing

mans was SO embarrassed afterwards

face was beet red

*frantically looks around to see if you heard him or not*

----------------------------------------

bonus: love languages!!

physical touch // giving

words of affirmation // receiving

----------------------------------------

𝐛𝐚𝐤𝐮𝐠𝐨 𝐤𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐢

he's so emotionally constipated

that's not to say we wouldn't know he'd have feelings for you

he's actually pretty emotionally intelligent, and would be very perceptive of your emotions contrary to popular belief, he's just oblivious to his own feelings and emotions

he'd just ignore them

try his best to ignore you

key word try

but he always gives in and he'd make up dumb reasons to come bother you like-

he'd barge into your dorm while you're studying and he'd be like

"y/n i need a pen,"

"oh? uh ok, here you can have this one," you hand him a pen that you happened to have tucked behind your ear

"no not that one,"

...????

"can't you go to momo and ask her to make the pen you want..?"

bakugo starts to get grumpy at this point lmao

"no, she doesn't know how to make it,"

"well, what pen do you want..??"

bakugo hesitates cus he doesn't wanna admit that he doesn't actually want a pen, he wants to be with you

"that one," he lamely points at a beat up tinkerbell pen that you've had since you were like twelve

"really?? out of all the pens you choose that one?"

"shut up and just get it"

"... you can grab it,"

he goes and grabs it and goes to walk out the door without a word and right before he leaves he leans back and looks at you

"i need a pencil"

"OH MY GOD BAKUGO"

he kept the tinkerbell pen btw

like denki, bakugo would steal things from your dorm and not just anything, things that are actually inconvenient to misplace

he'd take your bobby pin container or your favorite brush so you'd come to him to ask where it went, he'd give it back ofc but not without a fight

he'd act totally clueless and he'd wait till you actually start to get pissed to tell you where he actually put your thing

so back to how he'd actually be very aware of your emotions

he'd notice the smallest changes and can always tell when you're upset but he wouldn't exactly know how to help you

so instead of using words, he'd use actions

you had a really bad day and he walked you to your dorm and when he came in he's like

"shit, your dorm is a fucking disaster, how do you live like this," you scowl at bakugo cus like- wtf i'm rlly emotional here you're not helping

he scoffs and bends down to start picking up your shit

"seriously, i have no idea how you find anything in here, nothing is organized" and he'd just keeps grumbling like an old man while completely cleaning and reorganizing your room

dont you dare try and help him though, he will yell at you

-----------------------------------------

bonus: love languages!!

acts of service // giving

quality time // receiving

-----------------------------------------

𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐚

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE

sero SCREAMS besfriends to lovers troupe

like- you two are already practically dating without even realizing it

the romantic tension

you guys banter and flirt with eachother so often, you both have no idea whether you're serious when you jokingly call the other sexy or not

the oblivious idiots troupe

sero makes everything a competition

not nearly to extent as bakugo would, but still goes a bit over the top

he'd use anything as an excuse to show off for you

one time, like the spiderman fanboy he is, he challenged you to see who can hang upside down the longest without passing out ( literally the stupidest idea, sero, you're going to loose braincells )

sero won, obviously and he takes full advantage of bragging rights

everyone says how denki's the flirt and whatever but NO

sero is the biggest mf flirt and denki got his game from him

so with that being said, you are not safe

HE IS A BULLY

he respects boundaries of course but that doesn't mean he's not gonna try and test his limits a bit and mess with you

he's always trying to get you flustered

god forbid you're shorter than him because he will tease the shit outta you for it

when you two train together, mf goes on overdrive ESPECIALLY if you two happen to be sparring together

he'd hover over you and lean his face in ever so slightly while your talking to him just to get a rise outta you

TILT YOUR HEAD UP WITH ONE FINGER

"could you repeat that? i'm having a hard time hearing,"

SHEEEEEEEE

but you also make fun of him for being tall, so it checks out

whenever he says some slick shit you're just like-

"I'm sorry, what? That's funny coming from someone who's above the national average height. you're disgusting, tall man; shrink perhaps" ( if anyone knows what tiktok audio i'm referencing, i'm in love with you )

hope you have your casket ready because sero's gonna slaughter your ass for that shit

ok but one time while you two were partnered up for hero training, you got on his nerves and he tied you up and left you hanging and the mf just left

maaaan were you livid

15 minutes

15 minutes you were left up there while sero was doing god knows what

you gave him the silent treatment for the rest of the day and sero was genuinely distressed cus he didn't mean to make you so mad

but lucky for him, he always knows how to get you to smile no matter how sad or are or how angry you are with him

he shoots you a piece of tape with his handwriting on it

he made up some stupid, horribly written poem asking for your forgiveness and he's just looking at you the entire time you're reading it with an exaggerated pout

how can you say mad at him?

on the topic of him sending you notes on his tape

he'd totally leave pieces of his tape in really obscure places in your dorm or even under your desk

they'd be really stupid messages too like-

"you stink"

or a really random inside joke you two have that makes literally no sense but even just the thought of it makes you laugh to tears

he'd also leave little origami figures he made with his tape in random places for you to find too

or he'd just give them to you

you have a shelf specifically dedicated for the things sero has made for you ( and he's really touched you actually keep all his shitty arts and crafts projects )

in conclusion, sero is the best and he is my favorite and i'd die for him

-----------------------------------------

bonus: love languages!!

gift giving // giving

physical touch // giving and recieving

-----------------------------------------

If you guys want, i can elaborate on their love languages in another post! <3

𝒇𝒊𝒏 . ✩

[blorbosondeck]

fic rec masterlist

canon divergent/finale fix its

Anamnesis

THIS! FIC! this fic lives in my head rent FREE it is so good and it makes so much sense in the narrative that the shitty finale concocted, as to why they wouldn't mention cas or anyone else and its just. so good and they write chuck in the most villainous way that i love!!!

"Chuck is depowered, Jack is the new god, and the world is free. Dean and Sam get into the Impala and chase down the miles on an endless highway, and their story is finally, finally their own to follow. At least, that's what Dean tells himself. But the diners and motels and painted interstate lines are blurring together and the smallest details keep catching at his brain like tiny fishhooks and he can't quite shake the feeling that not everything is exactly as it should be. Fix-it/alternate series finale. Canon-compliant through the end of 15.19."

Sunset Sound: Stairway to Heaven by @adhdeancas

GOD FUCKING CHRIST this is so good and sweet and im such a sucker for team ups and reunions!!! its 3:30 am rn and i just finished it and i love it SO much it made me laugh a lot and the last few chapters i had the stupidest grin just plastered to my face

The Closer the Star, the Greater the Parallax by @rocksalts​

repressed bastard dean submits to the mortifying ordeal of being known and receives the rewards of being loved but only after some miscommunication i LOVE this i read it last night and it’s a fast favorite. my interests have overlapped and i am INTO it

“When Dean sits down to watch some bullcrap Discovery Channel episode with Cas, he doesn’t expect to actually learn anything. Except, with Cas explaining, he makes an effort to connect the dots.”

Don't We All Deserve To Be Happy?

VERY sweet and a VERY good pick me up. all around feel good fic!!! 

"Post-canon fix-it, divergent from 15x19 where Jack stays and Dean doesn't die and Cas comes back and everyone is happy. Take a shot every time I'm salty about the finale."

Keep Your Love Alive

okay. okay okay okay this may be my favorite finale fix it just because of how well reasoned it is. like this feels what should have happened i love it SO much

"Dean gets to spend eternity sharing beers with Bobby on the Roadhouse porch and riding around in his Baby with Sam. He’s at peace… or he feels like he should be. But a few things nag at him: Where is Cas, and everybody else Dean had been hoping to see in Heaven? Why does he feel like he’s stuck in a loop, reliving the same memories over and over again? And who are the strangers wearing Sam’s and Bobby’s faces?"

The GoldenRod Revisions by @aethylas​

this is one of the most well written things ive ever read. the script format DID make it feel more real and honestly? this is better writing than this show deserves. the finale that could have been ♥️

“A rewrite of Supernatural’s final two episodes, expanded into a five episode arc - in which Chuck needs to be defeated, Castiel deserves to be saved, and the characters in this story get a very different ending.“

Ascend by @wanderingcas​ 

THEE finale fix it fic!!! written by the AMAZINGLY skilled and talented @wanderingcas !!! it’s 50k of angst and hurt/comfort and pure bliss

“Something in the world is wrong.

Demon activity is rising where mysterious black substance oozes and unusual ecological events are shaking the world. Dean, grief hanging on his shoulders, restlessly searches for answers that might lead him to the Empty… and to Cas.

But what Chuck wrote can’t be undone. The narrative thread pulls Dean along, forcing him to comply. Because once a story already has an ending, it can’t be rewritten.

Or can it?”

Things Happen (They Do, And They Do, And They Do) by THEE @sobsicles

i KNOW everyone has already recommended this and likely you’ve all already read it. but it has to go here bc REPRESSIOOOOOOOOON i LOVE this so much it is one of the most perfect things i’ve read. are you bisexual? did you have a kind of weird relationship with your best friend and not realize that how you felt about them wasn’t necessarily how other people felt about them and you were maybe a little bit in love with them but were too repressed to realize it? you’ll feel seen. maybe a little too seen

Closer (isn't close enough)

are you a sweet and sappy yet horny bastard? do you like cas exploding light bulbs? you will like this.

“the one where they finally talk about what cas said before the empty took him”

You and Your Husband

it is exTRMELY sweet!!! repression dean strikes again <3

"Five times Dean corrects someone about his relationship with Cas, and one time he realizes he doesn't need to."

Tall Grass

miscommunication and a slowburn! despite being written in 2017 and finished in 2018, it feels like a fix it. ft. plant obsessed cas <3 

Invictus

a LOVELY and short (relatively) finale fix it

“They saved the world. They're free. It's done.

Except it's not, and carrying on is the last thing any of them are thinking about.

They still have someone they need to save.”

Unchained Link

post finale- it’s a great case fic and i am compelled i want more!!!

"It's after the end of things. Life continues on while Dean is "livin it up" in heaven. But it's never that simple, is it? A freak occurrence sends Dean into another time stranded back on Earth. And he thought his hunting days were over. But, no worries. His knight in shining armor comes to the rescue. Hijinks, therefore, ensue."

fun and time unspecified

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Love Potion No. 5

very funny and sweet! miscommunication at its finest ♥️

"Cas gets drenched with a mystery potion from the ‘love spell’ shelf and... Dean has a sneaking suspicion, angel or no— the spell may have taken effect. And Cas might be in love with Sam."

The Way We Were

Y'all. It is so good its a great mix of funny and serious- extremely fun to see dean as like a base bisexual

"Dean and Castiel pose as a couple to gain access to a gated community known as 'The Glen', a pleasant if secretive location that the boys believe might be linked to several dead bodies showing up over the years bearing signs of ritualistic sacrifice. All seems well until Dean's memory is affected from an incident during a solo exploration, leaving Dean convinced that their cover story is true. Castiel is left trying to resolve their case without taking advantage of an increasingly enthusiastic Dean"

While You Were Sleeping

this is basically just the movie but replacing sandra bullock with cas. this is my comfort movie and imo, one of the most perfect rom coms. the fic isn’t finished but i still have the tab open on my phone and i will straight up go back and re read it when i need a pick me up. 

aus/rewrites

The Harvelle Gospels: Offscript

i know everyone ever ( @jewishcharliebradbury ) has recommended this fic. and for good reason go fucking read it

“The Apocalypse is averted, the angels are in Heaven, and Jo is free from the threat of possession. Somehow it couldn't be farther from a happy ending.“

absolute riots

An Ineffably Profound Bond

i honestly would have put this in the finale fix it section! look. i know. i know you've been burned by crossover fics before. but this is Thee good omens/spn fic you want. its funny as hell and immensely satisfying. im weak for everyone working together tropes and that is this

"After Chuck sets 'The End' in motion, the remaining members of TFW make a miraculous escape. Not willing to waste any time, Castiel comes up with a plan to travel to one of the other worlds to try and get help from the angels there, but after a fight with Dean, it's the hunter who gets sent into an alternate universe,with seemingly no hope of return.

When a mysterious human with a heavenly weapon shows up in Aziraphale's shop, he and Crowley learn that their world is not the only one. Now it is up to them to decide whether or not they want to join forces with the human and help him save his world or simply find a way to send him home."

Somebody Up There Likes Me by @lafilleredige

cas is hit with a spell that turns his vessel into a woman, hijinks and sexuality crises ensue etc etc sam is a supportive and bitchy little brother and its all SO fucking funny and also. horny as hell i love it i love it i LOVE it

“’Dean doesn’t want to talk about your breasts, it’s making him uncomfortable because he hasn’t acknowledged the complex fluidity of human sexuality.’“

Stray Cat Strut

a long crack fic that IS one of the funniest things i’ve ever read and i can’t explain why. it’s so ooc but its so funny that i don’t care. if you need a laugh you gotta read this

"Sam and Cas are immediately in love with the adorable kitty they find outside the bunker door, and occupy their time planning how to convince Dean--who they believe is off sulking after a botched hunt--to let them keep their cat. Along the way, Dean learns to use a litter box and hears some confessions he maybe wasn’t supposed to hear, all while realizing just how much he loves Castiel.

Now all Dean has to do is convince Cas and Sam their new pet cat is actually him before they do something crazy--like neuter him!"

canon compliant or slight canon divergence

Give

by @doublestuffedimpala post season 7 episode 7, kind of ambiguous ending but truly a cas is happy to bleed for the winchesters fic

Punch Like Bones 

short, post 5x04 homoerotic moment that i wish we’d gotten

[emotionallyits2009]

deancas fic rec list!

hello everyone! happy christmas to those who celebrate it, my gift to you is my fic rec list that i said i would make like a month ago. the only thing it is organized by is canonverse vs alternate universe. tried to cover a variety of subjects but there are in particular many fics of the genre “postcanon where cas is human and he and dean live together and slowly finally get their shit together” because i know what i’m about, son. HOPE U ENJOY. and if you wanna talk about any of them or rec me other fics please do. :) 

Canonverse:

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo, 30k, explicit “Are you happy? Y’know. Just—being here,” Dean says, gesturing to the yard with his beer bottle. “Being with—I mean, you used to fight in celestial wars and—and save the world. Now you’re growing vegetables and talking about chickens.” There are many fics set in a post-canon universe where Cas is human and he and Dean live together and slowly fall into a relationship. Imo this one is the best of the best of that genre. This was one of the first fics I read back in July when I was getting Back Into Supernatural where I was like oh fuck I’m like in this. Dean builds Cas planters and bookshelves and a chicken coop and they fight and work through it.

Cuckoo And Nest by komodobits, 10k, explicit For a long time, Castiel thought that every earthly possession other than the immediately necessary was excess to requirement. But Dean – Dean who named his car, who keeps a photograph of his mother in his wallet, some thirty-plus years after her death, who still has the crumpled ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign with a sleeping pelican emblazoned on it from the Microtel outside of Roanoke where he first kissed Castiel, clumsy and unsure, under the unsteady fluorescence of an exhausted bathroom bulb – is sentimental. It puzzles Castiel, where Dean draws the line between what is meaningful and what it is worthless. Really Gets the dynamic of Cas doesn’t think Dean wants him to stay/Dean thinks Cas will leave the first chance he gets. Also a nice example of Cas thinking he’s not wanted if he’s not useful/powerful and being told otherwise. Another all-time fave!

lonely hearts by outphastthemoat, 4.5k, gen He thinks he might give up having his own anything just to be able to step foot inside the room next door and sit on the edge of Dean’s bed instead. This one is for the CAS GIRLS who know what LONELINESS feels like.

Helionneiros by aeli_kindara, 24.2k, mature In which Dean visits his mother, and Claire takes Cas on a hunt. I’m always on the lookout for more fic with Claire and Jack. Jack doesn’t show up until the end here but the relationship between Cas and Claire is really nice.

Crawl by aeriallon, 11k, explicit It’s been almost four years since Castiel left Kansas; he'd eventually settled in an island town where he has a job, a house, and a life without the Winchesters. Every winter, Dean drives down to the coast to see him. Another fic where Cas is human but in this one he took some time for himself and got some distance from the Winchesters! He gets to be competent and weird as a human and we love that for him. I must warn you all that this fic contains one use of the phrase “making love” which would normally put me right off but it’s still worth reading. The first of a three-part series.

home where you hold me by microcomets, 1.6k, gen Cas and Dean, in the moments between their battles, ache for quiet spaces. Technically this is a coda to 10x20 but you don’t need the episode for context. Short and very sweet.

Build a Home by domesticadventures, 20.1k, teen After they save the world, Dean expects Cas to come back to the bunker with them. He doesn’t. This one is so cute it’s like what if once they were done saving the world Sam and Dean actually invited other hunters to move into the bunker with them. Obviously Dean wants that to include Cas but doesn’t know how to use his words.

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo, 22.4k, explicit This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore. Angst fic! They go on a road trip and Dean is severely fucked up post-Mark of Cain.

Unknown Quantities by xylodemon, 8.6k, explicit No one ever tells Dean anything. Another nice getting-together fic.

Creature of Habit by trinityofone, 5.2k, teen The more you love someone, the more you want to kill them. Or: How Cas developed some bad habits, and Dean coped surprisingly well. This one is ancient by destiel standards (written during season 5) but it manages to nail the married couple vibes they give off in later seasons. Cas is a bitch and Dean likes him so much. <3

The (Mostly Accidental) Courtship of Dean Winchester by Tuesday, 11.2k, mature Angelic marriage rites were never intended to go quite like this. Another old one that is a lot of fun! They get Accidental Angel Married and if you don’t enjoy dumb fanfiction tropes like that I don’t know what to say to you.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit by pyrebi, 4k, teen In which angelic marriage bonds are apparently stupidly easy to trigger, Cas wages multidimensional war in Heaven, Dean can't catch a break like ever, Sam rather enjoys being a dick, love saves the day, and nobody consummates anything. The OTHER accidental angel marriage fic written in 2010. 

Crazy Diamonds by pantheon_of_discord, 24.8k, explicit A week ago, Dean was pulled out of Hell. Now, he’s apparently woken up in 2018, and the angel that a mere twenty-four hours beforehand had threatened to chuck him back into the pit is sleepily pouring himself coffee and wearing Dean’s second-favourite Zeppelin shirt. It all seems like a perfect happy ending, but with Hell’s scars still so fresh, Dean can’t imagine how he could have possibly gotten there. At the same time, the Dean who went to sleep in the bunker, right next to Cas, wakes up on Bobby’s couch in 2008. He’s instantly bombarded with questions by a Lilith-obsessed brother and a man who’s been dead for years, and must decide between keeping his finally-perfect life intact, and the lives he could save by re-writing history. Regardless of these choices, both Deans are trapped in the wrong decade, and their only way back lies with a Castiel still very much under Heaven’s thumb – one who might find the future Dean describes difficult to believe. Time travel is FUN. There’s an excellent part where (minor spoilers) future!Dean is like, “Guess what, asshole? You like me so much you marry me!!!!!!!!!!!” to 2008!Castiel that made me laugh out loud the first time I read it. Also just a good reminder of how most problems in life are temporary and if you could go back in time to talk to your younger self you’d be like, “Hey man. Chill out. You get through it.”

The Path of Fireflies by museaway, 63.7k, mature After his humanity is restored, Dean wakes up in bed with Castiel, a wedding ring, and no memory of the past twelve years. There’s a lot of amnesia fic and djinn fic out there were Dean wakes up ~suddenly together with Cas~ but I like this one in particular because he’s initially very confused and kind of a dick about it until he acknowledges that being with Cas makes him happy.

take the long way home by dothraki_shieldmaiden, 95k, explicit Three months ago, when Dean decided to retire, he thought his life was going to end up differently. He'd thought that he might get to have it all, Sam, Cas, Jack, and nice little place to live. Instead he gets Sam and Jack off on their Summer of Love Tour, radio silence from Cas, and a never-ending road trip consisting of himself. Still reeling from the loss of his grace, Castiel travels the country in search of hunts. Driven by a need to prove his usefulness, he pushes himself beyond all limits of endurance. Together, with the help of a few friends, a crumbling Victorian house, and a stray cat, Dean and Castiel patch themselves back together and create a home together. Do you wanna read almost one hundred thousand words of Dean and Cas having extremely intense feelings but refusing to voice them aloud? Haha of course you do that’s why you’re here. There’s also a lot about Cas adjusting to being human and being depressed about it which might resonate if you’ve ever felt weird about having a body. To be honest the author could stand to use a few more commas but there were also half a dozen moments that made me put my phone down and drag my hand slowly over my face and whisper “oh my god” to myself which is like, the ultimate measure of a good fanfiction so it gets to be on the list.

like moses and batman and james dean by saltyfeathers, 31.6k, explicit dean used to turn tricks. over a decade later, he met cas. Have you seen the fanon (apparently pioneered by Mr. Jackles “Original Deankin” Ackles himself) that Dean used to prostitute himself to feed himself and Sam when they were younger? Are you interested in exploring that concept in fanfiction? Well, this is the only fic you need. Mind the tags on this one! It’s not what I’d call happy but it’s good.

Some Assembly Required by narrow_staircases, 47k, mature It’s September of 2005, and Dean Winchester, in an attempt to outrun old mistakes and painful memories, finds himself in southern Kentucky on a wild goose chase. He’s completely certain this weird religious movement he’s “investigating” is a hoax, despite the miraculous healings people report, and he’ll be back on the road in a day or two. Things are looking up when he meets Cas, an awkward (and gorgeous) graduate student who’s actually doing honest-to-god research into the local tent revival meetings. When that research takes a weird and personal turn, Dean’s left to face two very serious realities: one, this may be a real case after all, and two, he’s fallen way harder for Cas than he should ever have let himself. Stanford-era AU of Dean trying to avoid his father and getting in over his head on a case.

Alternate universe:

And This, Your Living Kiss by opal_bullets, 57k, mature Only a very few people in the world know that the celebrated and reclusive poet Jack Allen is just Kansas mechanic Dean Winchester, a high school dropout with a few bucks to his name. Not that it matters anymore; life has left him so wrung out he never wants to pick up another pen. Until, that is, a string of coincidences leads Dean to auditing a poetry course with one Dr. Castiel Novak. The  professor is wildly intelligent, devastatingly handsome...and just so happens to be academia's foremost expert on the poetry of Jack Allen. Mundane AUs in this fandom have to be really, really good to catch my attention and this one is! It’s exactly what it says in the summary and the characterization is spot-on. 

Out to Drift by deathbanjo, 20.9k, mature Dean drives a black car with a loud engine. He lies too easily. He keeps a gun in the back of his jeans, and Castiel isn’t sure, but he wouldn’t be surprised if Dean has killed someone before. Two people in fucked-up unstable situations meeting and forming a connection. Honestly guys I really just love deathbanjo.