#i just miss having my own home
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i wanna throw up so bad
#babymau5 shitposts#idk#blah blah blah#my head hurts#my tummy hurts#i'm gaining a lot of weight#i just miss having my own home#i miss it just being only my kids and me and jacob#i can't keep living in other peoples homes#it's making me feel crazy#i wish i had a job so fucking badly#i hate the hours that jacob has to work just to pay our fucking phone bill#i miss my brothers#i want to cry so bad but nothing comes out#i'm so tired of being alive#i want to run away from everything so badly#but that wouldn't help me feel any better#i just want my own house with my own things#i'm going to kill myself soon#i can feel it coming#i'm gonna start looking for someone to sell me a gun#shooting myself in the head is probably the best way to go out#fuck man i can't keep living this way and idk how to change
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on loneliness jenny slate / japanese breakfast, posing for cars / corinne von lebusa, big glow / dadushin / alejandra pizarnik, tr. me / fka twings, home with you / avocado_ibuprofen / fiona apple, left alone / anne carson, “the anthropology of water”, plainwater / kiki smith, free fall / alejandra pizarnik, diaries
#hi my post#oooooohhh this is just a compilation of my own feelings lately#i know i have a red de apoyo i know i have my dearest friends but it's so hard to not feel alone when we're so far away#idk i just miss school and having someone to talk to everyday i'm not a text gal i need to hear your voice i need to see you i need someone#to caress my hair i need contact i need closeness i need to know somebody hears me#it's not all bad i do love my solitude but i just .... i just think in a room full of people nobody would choose me#lol i'm gonna stop now i just always use my tags as a venting space xd#also yes i had the audacity to translate alejandra pizarnik but i just couldn't find that bit already translated and i really wanted it her#web weaving#on loneliness#loneliness tag#being alone#jenny slate#japanese breakfast#posing for cars#corinne von lebusa#dadu shin#alejandra pizarnik#fka twigs#home with you#fiona apple#left alone#anne carson#plainwater#kiki smith#parallels#poetry#prose#words#lyrics
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Alright bestie I’m on that shit again
So yandere Superman, right? Like obviously your fucked. The only other yandere in existence that might just be able to keep you from him is Batman, but even then he’d probably sooner work together just to ensure your safety- but that’s a prompt for another day.
Back to yan Superman, imagine you’re his darling and he is “keeping you safe”. But one day, you get snatched up by some organization that wants to use you as leverage or some shit, but you are just sobbing in relief at maybe being free- only to have Superman show up and do some not so super things to everyone who “stole” you
There are just so many casually horrifying things about Superman that people don't realize until you start like digging into his lore. "Oh he's super strong and a super fast flyer" actually he can do basically anything at those super speeds to the point he can literally even PROCESS THOUGHTS at near light-speed which means he has Absolutely Terrifying reaction times and can make plans and schemes on a dime, which, you know, can be even better utilized by him being intelligent. He has natural invulnerability so if you throw a punch at him too hard you could literally shatter the bones in your hand and he can't even control that, like you could literally hurt yourself with him on accident! He can see across INSANE DISTANCES and his x-ray vision doesn't have like a set range so he could do anything from, peep inside buildings to spy on you, to looking under your clothing for any bruises or injuries or even self harm marks, to peeking behind your hero disguise to learn your true identity, to seeing if there's anything inside your stomach and seeing if you're eating properly. Like jesus christ he literally found out Lois was pregnant from waking up one morning and suddenly hearing the heartbeat of the FETUS, there's literally nothing from him pulling that stereotypical "I know you're nervous or lying or afraid because I can literally hear your heartbeat increase" scary bullshit
And let's talk about Lois for a sec because my god her death was literally what kicked off the Injustice timeline? And there are other forms of Superman media where she just straight up dies naturally of cancer! Sure we could take the easy way and say "in this au Lois never existed or was just Clark's friend and he loved YOU" (which is my preferred default tbh bc, no competition for Reader lol) but I mean if you're going for that angst, that real whump, a yandere Clark Kent that just lost his wife/unborn child to either the Injustice incident or cancer, now overcome with grief? And in those cancer timelines they usually already have a son, Jonathan, and sometimes Jordan, and here's Clark thinking, well, his boy needs a mother, and he's got these weird feelings for you, and lil Jonny clearly has affection for you, maybe bring a bit of a platonic yan himself who sees you as either a big sister or even a secondary mom, so... be his wife maybe?
Like my god if Reader somehow helped him through the grief of losing Lois and managed to avoid "fully activating" Superman's anime villain arc, like he's going full fascist in the Injustice 2 Bad Ending, then some shit DEFINITELY goes down when Reader gets taken away. It just reactivates all his trauma. No! He can't lose anyone else! Jonathan can't lose anyone else! You're not just someone he loves, you're his FRIEND!
You're just huddled in whatever cell you've been kept in with your black eyes and bruises and knuckles bloodied from trying to fight back when you hear Clark's voice and you look up with excitement that just falls immediately off your face because holy shit did he just unlock that thumbprint scanner with a severed arm, and suddenly you're realizing there are other shades of red on his costume and dripping from his fingers
I can only imagine like, ngl I considered a sequel to my fic Doubt where Reader escapes the manor and runs into Supernan as the only other person who can protect you, so here we would have the inverse: you're the only one who knows about Clark's increasing instability and, while you still have your own freedom and autonomy, try to speak to Bruce about it, and now you have Batman Vs Superman: Competing For Your Heart Edition. I can only imagine what sort of unhinged reactions there would be if you think you've got Batman alone and you're beginning to cry all "Bruce I'm really worried about Clark, he isn't acting like himself, there's something wrong with him" and. Clark is like literally using his x-ray vision to read lips through the walls if he can't use his super hearing to outright eavesdrop.
Of course as you suggested, I'm always a slut for ideas with"oh shit I ran to this guy to help me and he's ALSO crazy, now they're teaming up and I'm in some weird shared/poly situation with TWO nutjobs". Lmao you go to Bruce concerned about Kal and Bruce goes to confront him and Clark just drops "did you know Y/N has been hiding self harm cuts under their hero suit also wow they smoke HELLA weed and im worried about their lungs and all the stuff they do when they're alone that no one else knows about 🥺" and suddenly here's Bruce " thanks i hate this actually :)" and there's a scheme concted to spy on you or move you elsewhere.
I've even thought of "Reader oh nooOoooOo, that, giant monster or villain attack or whatever also coincidentally destroyed your shitty little apartment complex? You mean Clark 'accidently' got sent flying into your building or smacked some giant creature into it and now you don't have a place to live? And you're broke too? Oh no 🥺 Well, BATMAN has this nice big house with lots of room in for you to stay toooootally 'temporarily', we PROMISE uwu"
Batman is the one who can put a tracking chip injected into your skin or even disguised as a filling in one of your teeth, and Superman is the one who can zoom off to rescue you/retrieve you "faster than a speeding bullet". I think one of the only people who could bring them down together at that point would be like. Fucking DARKSEID and, Jesus no, you definitely don't want HIM treating you as a pet 😭 the evil Batman that was brainwashed by him in the Apokolips War movie was scary enough (and scary HOT, lmao, let him keep me as some sort of prize and the only luxury Darkseid will allow him as a reward for his obedience. Lord Batman goes from having a meeting talking about like enslaving people to returning to his quarters and railing tf outta you because he's still holding onto some slim vestiges of humanity where he cares about you but also using you as his personal anti stress fuck toy)
#yandere superman#yandere batman#yandere dc#i got a draft whee damian and jon like you and introduce you to their fathers#and suddenly stalking you becomes a family affair#the boys walk you home and jon lies about having to pee so damian can plant bugs while youre distracted#the boys going back to their fathers and telling them all of your personal business#'yeah dad when she was at work i used my xray vision and saw her creepy manager grope her in the walk in'#suddenly your small little privately owned cafe was just bought out by wayne enterprises and your boss is fired or goes missing#maybe Bruce gets you a job st Wayne tech bc hes been following you as batman and he doesnt like you working third ahift#lmao heres hoping i actually finish it wven though im not quite sure where to go w it yet#but like its literally over 8 pages at least so. obviously some sort of creative juices are flowing#yandere stuff#sinprompts#at this point i cant promise shit bc my emotions and motivation are waaaaaacky
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What if y/n from have you eaten? Au had eating disorders?
oou! good question!
yes! that is definitely a scenario i would like to explore in the fic when i get to it. also why i want to write the fic with multiple different Y/Ns so we can explore different experiences and relationships with food
there is a "main Y/N" who is a glutton who likes to try anything and everything. i haven't done the research for it so i can't say whether or not they have an eating disorder, but they DO have an unhealthy relationship with food as a result of being shamed for their appetite. so that, coupled with their job that emphasizes appearances and first impressions, they eat smaller meals, seemingly healthier meals, safe meals. but when they're alone at the restaurant with the DCA boys, without having to worry about who sees them or how much they eat, they're able to enjoy their food openly and honour their body's cravings.
#ask the crab#Have You Eaten? AU#i'll add some ideas for the Y/Ns here in the tags because nothing is final yet#a single parent Y/N with a picky son or daughter#an international student Y/N who is feeling homesick and comes to the restaurant to eat food they miss from home#maybe the same student Y/N but a Y/N who forgets to eat or actively skips meals so they don't spend too much money#a Y/N that has tried many diets and workouts and still feels insecure about how they look#a Y/N that has developed health problems and can't eat a lot of the foods they once loved#a Y/N that wants to learn to cook but has always subconsciously hated their own cooking#food is just such an interesting vehicle for storytelling#food is tied to so many memories#nostalgia and trauma#it's fuel for our bodies but also a bridge for social interactions#my biggest worry with this au is that i can only write from my limited understanding of food#there's so many cuisines i haven't tried yet and am unfamiliar with#hence why i played it safe by making the restaurant a cha chaan teng a restaurant and cuisine that i am very familiar with
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Updating my donation post as it's been a few months. I'm still struggling with being homeless and I recently lost my health insurance (yayy turning 26!)
I've applied for section 8 at a local large city but that can take time. I'm also in the months long process of applying for SNAP/medicaid. I've also applied for financial assistance through my work to help me as well but I'm unsure of the turn around time or how much they can assist me.
Currently with the cost of rent in my local area the best option might be for me to renovate a free mobile home. However I need to move it to a lot/mobile home park with hookups and that can cost alot of money. The current estimate I got is around $8,000.
This doesn't include the lot rent per month or the cost of fixing the mobile home. But I do get to own the trailer after and can sell it once I have my feet under me again and ready to move.
I've been looking into so many different options but I'm struggling with finding something in my budget. Current income restricted housing is at a 1 to 2 year wait list. Others require a $48 per person application before you get to even see the apartment (for a one bedroom no less)
I've already made so many sacrifices during this year including not perusing fighting to get my cat back. Unfortunately with the way I can't find housing there wasn't a hope I could find housing and have it allow pets.
I've anyone has suggestions for finding roomates (that's not Facebook) or housing please feel free to message me
I'm also doing donation doodles for any donation over $10, give me a suggestion or prompt when you donate otherwise you get a bug art lol
#star's art#artist on tumblr#my art#mutual fund#Homeless#fundraising#Donation doodles#Kofi#artist on kofi#Housing help#Currently homeless and disabled and I don't have insurance so Im missing my doctor appointment and running out of my ptsd medicine#I'm working two jobs right now as best as I can#But I'm so tired and I just want to finally have a home#I miss my craftroom#I miss having my own personal space#I miss my garden#My cat#Oh ginger I miss you so much#You don't know why I left and never came back#I'm sorry I can't get you#I'm sorry he won#I didn't even get to go to pride this year cause it was fucking sold out and I was hoping to connect with the booths that would help me#I'm so so tired#I've been struggling for so long now#Average rent here is $800 for a one bedroom and over a $1000 for anything else#I've been priced out of where I've been living for over 13 years#And it's not like I can just get random roommates im fucking transgender like that's literally dangerous#I'm disabled and transgender and homeless with ptsd and I'm so tired#Universal basic income when
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sorry if idk this but what do you think about Wordgirl now in 2024 do you still like it do you still want to make art or talk about it or are you just done with all of it forever and plus i seen that you haven't made art of it since 2022 so you just done with all of it oh yeah and what about The Magnus Archives + Wordgirl ao3 fic too like is that just going to be and i know that your working on 2 au's now just wanting to know that's all
My interests tend to come in intense bursts and then fade. Unless something like, big happens like it gets a reboot its unlikely I'll be coming back to it anytime soon. As for the fic I don't have any current plans to finish it unfortunately.
#Its so shocking whenever anybody mentions that fic to me#like its just such a specific combo of interests how are there this many people interested in it...#I have some fragments of unfinished chapters for it laying around but I was struggling to get them to work#and I definitely dont have the motivation to finish them now#If youre curious the chapters were going to be Slaughter avatar miss Power and Web avatar Mr Big#and possibly Flesh avatar Butcher but I never got around to starting that one#The Miss Power chapter was basically going to be about her having kind of lost her thread#I wanted to leave a lot of ambiguity as to what happened with her home planet#but she hadnt been in contact with them for agessssss and her radio is damaged and her ship is in bad shape#the chapter was just going to be her being like 'pfff I dont interpersonal connection Im doing great out here. Murdering. All on my own'#Well she has her little squirl thing but she treats him like an animal#mr giggle cheeks or whatever#anyway I wanted it to imply that whatever happened her bloodthirst was destroying her#The Mr Big chapter was from Lesley's perspective#She would have been one in a long long line of assistants that Mr Big went through like candy#Lesley is his favorite though because. while she is terrified of him. shes still willing to push him. to be honest with him#but she also knows exactly when to step off. when to lie to appease him#( its always a tossup as to whether he wants a sweet lie or the harsh truth that day. He can always tell either way#its a gamble he does to be cruel. She always picks right though. or maybe he's more lenient with her than he should be)#He likes that she knows exactly how to push him without ever stepping over the line#He likes that her guilt and revulsion are slowly eating her up inside but shes too selfish to leave#She likes being special. She likes the idea of ruling the world alongside him#She'll always be second in command but shell be so much higher than everyone else#and shes willing to do anything to get that#Mr big doesnt think shell ever make it that far#but he likes her anyway#shes the one assistant he'll be sad about dying#OK damn apparently I did still have things to say about this old fic DAMN#still not gonna finish it tho. they call me the struggler becaus.e writing is a struggle...
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my dad telling me he regrets selling our country home like I don’t spend every night crying into my pillow because I miss that house so much lol
#I know it’s better this way because I can freely socialize now#and a big problem with our country home was how horribly isolating it was#but…. but meh bedroom was so big!! and I had my own bathroom!!! and the property was gorgeous!!!#I miss the deer… and the woods… and the sound of birds….#watching the pond swell up with the passing seasons…#picking blackberries in the backyard….#coyote packs running down our dirt road….#I don’t wanna live in Washington in some rink dink apartment… I want to play with bugs in mossy soil#weeeehhhh….#just have to remember my friends lol. friends are good. friends are great. I have awesome friends now and I can see them more regularly#one day… maybe one day I can crawl back to the woods….#I just want to have more experiences in society first lol#but god. WHY DID HE SELL THE HOUSE WEGHHGGG#NOW WE’RE ALL KILLING OURSELVES#TAKE IT BACKKKK
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I just rewatched moonknight and your audios are literally the only thing keeping me alive in that somewhat dead fandom THANK YOU 😭😭🙏
i do feel adrift making moon knight stuff still so thank you
#like even if season 2 does ever happen ive seen rumors that if it does marvel wants to tie it further into the mcu#like obvs it was already in the mcu but i mean ive heard they might put avengers characters in moon knight and#honestly im too tired of the mcu have been for too long#marvel ruined marvel for me#moon knight would honestly be the only mcu property id go and watch but i wont if it ends up with whoever the current avengers are in it#i dont want to go and do homework and watch all the mcu movies and shows ive missed just to watch moon knight season 2#and if they put loki series bullshit like the tva in there then i cant watch it at all#thats why i couldnt watch deadpool and wolverine even though i was initially excited for it#the loki series caused me as a trans person active in the loki fandom to get harassed so much i cant see anything#to do with that show without getting uncomfortable so if the tva is there i especially wont be watching moon knight#i dont know how marvel thinks they can sustain the mcu forever like surely if new people want to get into the mcu#or even like kids who like superheros they cant just to go the cinema and watch the newest movie#cos they wont understand anything unless they stay home and do homework by watching years of movies and tv shows first#having everything connected at first was run. watching avengers assemble in the cinema was fun.#but theres too much now and it hasnt been fun in a long time#i also remember hearing after phase 1 they got rid of the team that made sure all the movies by different writers and directors#still felt cohesive and had continuity with each other and i feel that shows more every year#wow didnt expect to be giving an mcu rant in the tags its just sad sometimes to think how long i loved marvel for#and now i really couldnt care less about it. though that started with endgame when they made fatphobic jokes about thor all movie#that was the last time i saw a marvel movie in cinemas. think it was the last time i watched any mcu movie.#watched a few shows after that but got too burned by the transphobia in the loki series. and then moon knight and then nothing.#im just sitting here forever clinging onto the main mcu timeline loki who died in infinity war and never got brought back to life#just me and them in my own corner where they can have nice genderfluid representation#the vampire answers
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#okay so now that I’m almost a year out from surgery and I kind of (?) reliably have energy/don’t get winded and nauseous going up the stairs#this upcoming year I realllllly need to focus on developing a workout routine in my apartment#and I fear that a laughably big obstacle to this is that I need my workout stuff visible#so now I should probably like. focus on making space for my stuff in the living room instead of the closet#(much like a baby I struggle with object permanence)#hmmmm okie I am going to do that now actually so I can do a workout tomorrow. I miss being able to move my body like I did in college#should I have been doing this more intentionally for months now? yes. but consider: I am a baby and it has been fatiguing just to exist#sighhhhhh I miss being able to use my brother’s home gym setup but I don’t live down the street from him anymore grrrr#my stuff#ignore me i’m just rambling#UPDATE:#I found places for most stuff (my lil stepper is just on its own next to the coffee table bc I don’t have anywhere to tuck it)#BUT! sadly I have no idea where my boxing gloves are. deeply upsetting but whatever I can shadow without them but I like the added weight#they’re probably in the attic at my parents’ house butttttt I would like them to be HERE please
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i hate feeling ambitionless aimless the future is so bleak
#this is about me not the events#i really don't think i have a plan lol and i ever will...#because all through school i had this thing. need to pass this unit test this half yearly this 2nd unit test final exams need to do this#cocurricular activity and the absolute relief when i flipped the report to see i was promoted every year. that was the aim right#now i don't know what's happening#a set set of friends i met everyday sat next to permanent place in the field where we had lunch. like?#it was all so permanent#i knew teachers did not like me or how people there felt about me#and i think a lot of it comes from the fact that i never changed schools#14 years in the same place then one random tuesday it ends everything ends and im supposed to start from scratch#losing friends was all my fault but goddddddf. i used to be good at things#like when i was in 10th grade i gave my everything to studying maths because mom threatened me that if do not get science here we'll change#your school#to wherever you get science#so i studied like crazy did not touch my phone for months and got science#like that is my level of attachment to that place#i just miss it so much probably more than my own home#and i can't belong anywhere because i'm so stuck and nothings good enough and i miss being good and being academically productive#it was my only win i think#this is so sad but i don't think i'll ever get that past work ethic back and it will never be good enough for me to feel good about myself#which can only be through study or work because im a loser who thinks she's worthless if not for a successful career#and I've felt this way for three years now. it is going to be permanent#everything is lonely
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okay more on jackson’s senior center based off this post:
- it started as just miss shirley and her best friend darla wanting to live together and asking maria if she could maybe find a house for them to settle in together instead of living apart
- before this, mama shirley and darla would have to walk five houses each way to see each other for afternoon tea, which just won’t do. mama shirley is 92 and darla is 90 now, and both of them are too old to be have to walking that much everyday, mama shirley tells maria. she quickly and vehemently agrees
- maria has the idea of fixing a house up for jackson’s senior citizens to live in if they’d like to. it takes a lot of unnecessary convincing to get the council to dedicate one of jackson’s best houses to a maximum of five people, but maria gets it done. they pick one of the few houses that are placed in the farther back part of jackson, near the farm and the daycare center, so that it can be far-reaching from the entrance of jackson
- the first people to movie in are shirley and darla, who share a room on the second floor (thanks to tommy replacing the stairs in the house with a reliable ramp with a wall-attached handlebar)
- gary moves in not long after he breaks his left hip while herding the goats. he likes that the house is designed to be wheel-chair access and far away from most people in town. he also likes it because he can be close to darla, who he has feelings for, but nobody knows about that except for tommy and joel
- mr. wilson moves in on maria’s insistence that he’ll get hurt if he continues to live alone and try to do everything himself. his name is harold, but he insists that anyone younger than him calls him mr. wilson on account of maintaining a respectful distance. he’s a grumpy, gruff old asshole that reminds joel more of bill than bill himself, but he’s also known to do anything and everything maria tells him with only a small amount of grumbling. somehow, she convinces him to move in after he accidentally sets his kitchen on fire trying to make himself a pocketknife (which?????? maria still doesn’t have an answer for????? why harold was trying to do that????)
- last but not least is sandra dee, jackson’s oldest and most enigmatic member. nobody really knows where she came from or what her story is: she’s the only one of jackson’s seniors that managed to get to town on her own, arriving to town at 94 about a year after its founding with nothing but a backpack and three handguns. she clamed to be sandra, but they’re not entirely sure if sandra dee is her real name. she hums songs from musicals all the time and has expressed that grease was always her favorite. at least once a month she requests to go hunting with patrol and gets mad when maria tells her no
- senior center tea: shirley and darla have longstanding beef with sandra dee because she always cheats at cards during game night, shirley knows about gary being sweet on darla but is lowkey jealous about it because SHE is sweet on darla, and everyone thinks mr. wilson has a thing for maria but he actually told her in confidence last month that he is actually sweet on gary. mama shirley and mr. wilson can’t STAND each other
- tommy calls the seniors the jackson five. all of them call him thomas. he and joel bring them all basic living supplies at least once a week, but are known to be around there pretty often
tsym for anyone having interest in this pls feel free to add anything u want!!
tagging :))) @clickergossip @nerdieforpedro @mrsmando @callmekittenandyourmajesty @steeb-stn (ty for the idea of putting it next to the daycare!) @thatoneobsessedlinguist-writes
#maria finding out from gary that hes sweet on darla knowing shirley is sweet on darla and harold is sweet on gary: oh FUCK#idk where this is coming from but theyre all so vivid in my mind like#theyd have the best breakfastes over there at the jackson five home#dinas older sister talia works as their main caretaker#shes the only person is jackson all five of them agree is a good egg#she loves them but they drive her nuts#NO gary you cannot bring the stray cats in to sleep in bed with you. because theyre dirty!!!! im not arguing with you about this again!!!!#no mr. wilson miss maria is not coming by today. i don’t know exactly why the council is busy. no i cannot take a letter over there#darla. shirley. are you guys high????? did you steal my weed tea again????????#what do you MEAN you made your own????#its just a whole sitcom#talia and the gang#the tipsy bison#the jackson five#the name makes tagging so convenient#jackson seniors#jackson senior center#maria miller#tommy miller#joel miller
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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"
#quote from MLP:FIW#sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day#sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids#my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit#step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER#<- like grades n shit#also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement#step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail#also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth#i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad#also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse#i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this#not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself#also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family#also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her#sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic#she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying#i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy#<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS#my sisters and i feel like shit#i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys#i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had#Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post
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not posting art online and comparing myself to others and just straight up blocking when someone is shit for my mental health are really really good for how I perceive my own art and my mental health
who would have thought
#i miss posting art in a way#because i feel like now i have zero opportunities to connect with other people#but every month without fail I'd start to absolutely detest everything i did#and would feel hurt over how people did or did not interact with what i shared online#and i don't think I'm over that at all#but just not giving anyone the opportunity to see and judge#I'm back to being the only person seeing my art#I don't have to feel vulnerable in front of people anymore#I'm not giving people the opportunity to make me feel small and like I'm not good enough#there's no one to be good enough for#it's enough for me it's enough for my sketchbook and the privacy of my own home#it's sad that I don't think i was ever welcome in the fandom and that what I contributed didn't amount to much#but I'm just grateful that I'm in a better place mentally again and that i don't feel like I'm fighting for my life each month
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Really feeling that post abt how yearning and loneliness is great until you're curled up on your bed whimpering at the ache in your chest like a wounded dog. are we cooked chat.
#in the words of dad rock icons shinedown: ITS 4AM AND I CANT SLEEP#why am i haunted by things. things of the past and of the present#is it missing people who stopped thinking about me long before i stopped thinking about them?#who in the daylight hours i can disdain and scoff at but at night i can admit i miss the ease with which we once existed?#i wonder how they're doing now. i see their updates from a distance things i would have once celebrated alongside them#im happy for them. it shadows me. im happy i know theyre well. i wish i never heard of it#or is it the overthinking of the now? is it because of the past?#is everyone doomed to be ghosts. is there beauty in that#is it anxiety to feel so out of place in places and people that felt. feel. like home#do i know what home is meant to feel like? to miss? i suppose ill find out soon.#is it just because of the fact its 4am? is this just the fact i havent eaten much recently. am i not exercising enough or drinking enough.#how can i stop the loneliness that never seems to go away before i become a ghost haunting my own life#OR is it all just bc i read a really bittersweet and haunting fanfic that ruined me#haha gotcha im actually big chillin and sad abt fictional lil guys (said very unconvincingly)
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listening to what my mom and my older sister's advices to a friend of them regarding her son and I'm here like
Holy cow on a motorbike, you both fricking suck so much at this, how am I a functional person
#if it weren't because my opinon is worth nothing for them i would say something and intervene but with my family i try my best to just#low my head and pretend to no exist lmao#that poor friend of them i just hope she doesn't listen to them at all that teen clearly needs some talking and psychologist#i will never miss being a teen#i had so very little freedom at all i would feel more free at school and try to stay at school more than to arrive home early#and now as an adult theyre still hella controlling but at least i have#some slightly more room to do stuff my own so to speak as a teen my first thoughts always are how little liberty i had and it sucks#vent
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"But why would Sonic still be friends with them why wouldn’t he denounce them or treat them like the villains they are? Why won't he realize they're just evil?"
First of all, has it perhaps occured to you that Sonic loves/cares for them no matter what they do and doesn't want to hurt them if he doesn't have to? Has it perhaps occurred to you that he doesn't see them like irredeemable villains and it's not because he's a dumb dumb idiot?
Second of all, haha keep talking and I'm gonna unroll my character analysis essay. "They're just evil" yeah that's rich. Bet you thought the ending of the series was about "redeeming" them too, huh?
#sondread#sonine#sonic prime#sonic the hedgehog#knuckles the dread#nine the fox#I'm gonna be a prime sonic defender forever at this rate#Anyways I channeled the me from between seasons 2 and 3 who was frustrated at seeing the stuff people were saying about my favs#Prime Sonic somehow seems to compel people to start foam at the mouth as they call him stupid and deride him for being hopeful and seeing#the good and people#and then somehow the people who are willing to be okay about Prime Sonic's tendency to try to save everyone and towards self sacrifice#can only believe it as long as sonic stupidly and naively believes his beloved friends are good people as these 'friends' so skillfully#manipulate him#Then when Sonic sees them at their worst canonically those people start foaming at the mouth when he doesn't instantly denounce or try to#imprison/kill these characters#It makes me less frustrated when it comes to Dread because I can get what people are seeing and unfortunately whatever talk transpired#between Sonic leaving the yoke in s3 and everyone else coming to fight Nine happened offscreen#You do have to dig at least slightly beyond surface level interpretation to get the reading that Dread is more than just an evil guy who was#pretending to not be#(although I would have thought how he originally tried to save his crew from experiencing him at his worst by keeping himself away from his#obsession would mean something but I digress)#With Nine to believe that he's always just been evil and manipulative to Sonic so he could backstab him you quite literally have to ignore#everything we see across the whole series and the feelings that come through in the final episodes of seasons 2 and 3#and ONLY believe that what Renegade and Shadow say about Nine (and the chaos council in s3) is canon#And yes I do think that if you thought S3 was about redeeming certain characters so the ending could be happy go lucky then you are missing#the point of what Sonic Prime tried to say and of Sonic’s own philosophy#I daresay you missed the point of some of these characters as well if you think their arcs are about how they end with them redeeming#themselves so they can become good people and therefore deserve life and a home#fandom wank#i just be ramblin
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