#I miss having my own personal space | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

its-a-beautful-day · 5 months ago

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Updating my donation post as it's been a few months. I'm still struggling with being homeless and I recently lost my health insurance (yayy turning 26!)

I've applied for section 8 at a local large city but that can take time. I'm also in the months long process of applying for SNAP/medicaid. I've also applied for financial assistance through my work to help me as well but I'm unsure of the turn around time or how much they can assist me.

Currently with the cost of rent in my local area the best option might be for me to renovate a free mobile home. However I need to move it to a lot/mobile home park with hookups and that can cost alot of money. The current estimate I got is around $8,000.

This doesn't include the lot rent per month or the cost of fixing the mobile home. But I do get to own the trailer after and can sell it once I have my feet under me again and ready to move.

I've been looking into so many different options but I'm struggling with finding something in my budget. Current income restricted housing is at a 1 to 2 year wait list. Others require a $48 per person application before you get to even see the apartment (for a one bedroom no less)

I've already made so many sacrifices during this year including not perusing fighting to get my cat back. Unfortunately with the way I can't find housing there wasn't a hope I could find housing and have it allow pets.

I've anyone has suggestions for finding roomates (that's not Facebook) or housing please feel free to message me

I'm also doing donation doodles for any donation over $10, give me a suggestion or prompt when you donate otherwise you get a bug art lol

#star's art #artist on tumblr #my art #mutual fund #Homeless #fundraising #Donation doodles #Kofi #artist on kofi #Housing help #Currently homeless and disabled and I don't have insurance so Im missing my doctor appointment and running out of my ptsd medicine #I'm working two jobs right now as best as I can #But I'm so tired and I just want to finally have a home #I miss my craftroom #I miss having my own personal space #I miss my garden #My cat #Oh ginger I miss you so much #You don't know why I left and never came back #I'm sorry I can't get you #I'm sorry he won #I didn't even get to go to pride this year cause it was fucking sold out and I was hoping to connect with the booths that would help me #I'm so so tired #I've been struggling for so long now #Average rent here is $800 for a one bedroom and over a $1000 for anything else #I've been priced out of where I've been living for over 13 years #And it's not like I can just get random roommates im fucking transgender like that's literally dangerous #I'm disabled and transgender and homeless with ptsd and I'm so tired #Universal basic income when

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egophiliac · 6 months ago

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@enderfore replied to your post “What do you think of Rook's savanaclaw card? <333”:

Chenya pic where???? I can barely see anything in that room there so much going on, rooks such a lil freak (affectionatr)

he's under the row of flags on Neige's side of the room, next to the big Neige poster with the yellow background (look just to the right of the hand holding the apple)! he's REAL little; once you know he's there you can kind of see him in-game, but I only noticed him in the first place because I took a screenshot and was having fun zooming in on all the details!

I think that's either Hop or Snick and Dominic on either side of Neige, but if the others are meant to be anyone in particular I don't recognize 'em. though I do love all the absolutely terrifying implications of Rook having this. was this some kind of officially-published merchandise (and if so, why) or did Rook like...go hunting through the RSA trash to find this random student lineup just because it included Neige, and has had it hanging proudly on the wall ever since. (I mean, he definitely did do this, I don't know why I'm asking. the real question is why he hasn't cut out little pictures of his own face and stuck them over everyone else's yet.)

there is seriously SO MUCH in this room. how did Rook manage to keep this hidden for three years. also, somebody give this background artist a raise immediately.

#screenshot #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 part 8 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 part 8 spoilers #this just in: the savanaboys are canonically very respectful of each other's privacy and right to their own personal space #the other option is that no one actually wants to see why rook is always so desperate to keep people out of his room #but these are not mutually exclusive! leona respects your boundaries through genuinely not giving a shit. ⭐️#god. rook's room really was somehow exactly what i expected but also so much more than i could have ever imagined.#the literal divide down the center including his BEDSHEETS AND PILLOW #do you think rook makes sure to sleep precisely down to the mm in the center of his bed each night what am i saying of course he does #he has also probably trained his eyes to move independently so he can look at both of the hanging posters above his bed at once #savanarook really was such a treasure. i shall miss him.#(i have also decided based on basically nothing that because there's a banner with vil's unique magic name on it)#(and the corresponding banner for neige says '[someday my] prince will come')#(that i'm going to headcanon this as being neige's unique magic. i must know what it does. the possibilities are TANTALIZING)

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clawsextended · 3 days ago

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in my perfect world everyone makes so many lesbian muses the men then have to deal with the exact same behavior when every single post ever written isn’t about dick.

#CLAWS RETRACTED.#[real talk: I’m a lesbian transmasc little enby guy. but my gender? is lesbian. it’s how I explain it. my attraction to women is a part of #my innate gender. that’s just how it is and the two things inform one another. heteronormativity is still so alive and now everyone can put #it under progressive little labels where the character is bisexual but everything that’s focused on for miles is the hetcoded shit. it’s a #cool little thing people do now. it went from when I was a kid and ‘there’s no such thing as bi you’re just confused’ to ‘everyone is bi #because it gives me points but I will never meaningfully observe the queer aspect of that identity and it can make me seem comfortable with #queer identities’. it’s lip service so much of the time. and I never ever ever say you’re only valid if you write bi characters in a #queercoded relationship. bisexuality is forever valid always even if you’ve NEVER been in a queer relationship. but this is writing and #real bisexual people (I’m not even bi I’m literally a lesbian) have experiences irl that make them feel shitty #when they see them boiled down to shallow. a lot in the same way I get upset when I see lesbian relationships brushed off or ignored in #spite of my own excitement toward the ship. MY POINT IS that lesbians are completely ignored by this point and I can say this both irl and #on here because when you live a life that excludes men from your romantic space you’re basically illegal. it drives me fucking insane. the #way anyone can make a fucking whitebread ass man on this site and their inbox will be exploding but you make a lesbian and you have to pad #quietly around because from jump you’re already worried about how people will perceive you and you KNOW they won’t be immediately welcoming.#this is an irl thing in such a big way and I’m a NEW YORKER. but the fact that this exists in the rpc? truly I miss when we just wrote and #enjoyed things and this wasn’t a cesspit of discourse instead of an actual creative community. like. I went to college to study boring #theses that couldn’t keep my attention. I slogged through litcrit theory. do I love it? yes. but some of yall really just wanna be on #debatebro YouTube and not in the actual rpc. it’s wild. everyone’s a philosopher but no one wants to meaningfully engage. and if they do #they want to in either bad faith or basically hardheaded ignorance about an issue. someone’s 2 seconds from rping destiny.#swear to fucking god if I see one person make an asm.ngold joke I will cry.]

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thebirdandhersong · 7 months ago

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Lol. Lol. Lol.

#this is why i didnt want to move home 😂😂😂😂😂😂 being expected to cook and do the kitchen things #and not a single person cleaning in this house except for mom!!! = also me because i cant let my mother do all the work #anyway im tired lol!!!!! and i want to live with my 2 friends in the city #and meal prep together have my own space and not be subjected to more You should exercise comments #this is weight gained from depressive stress eating mom :-) i am Stressed and im trying not to cope this way but it is a process #anyway i miss my dorm i miss seeing 40+ people at meals i miss having the privacy to sing my heart out #i miss living in a small and manageable space i miss my FRIENDS i miss that boy (this is not a positive thing to miss admittedly)#i miss living right by the coffee shop that sells the Best Sandwich Ever and a honking good lavender vanilla latte #i also miss being able to fit into my favourite jeans. this is a self inflicted issue and it annoys me #anyway i am medium miserable and there is still a HECK TON of things to do #like unpack and go to the grocery store because its my father's birthday and ive committed #to cooking birthday dinner because birthday lunch was an unfortunate flop #o yeah also i miss having access to cheap obscenely strong black tea. that kept me going through finals #im only here a month before im off to my summer job which will be Away from here!! but darn it all its going to be a Month

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icewindandboringhorror · 24 days ago

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It's always interesting to hear about people's weird/unexpected "alternate life paths". Like, something that you could have done with your life, a job you almost took, a school you almost went to, etc - that was still actually realistic enough that it could have happened, but NOW it seems to not suit your current personality.

Like for example, I currently hate advertising (how manipulative it is, brands trying to be 'relatable', social media amplifying it to an obnoxious extreme, etc.) so much that even seeing a little ad before a youtube video is grating to even witness, but there was a point in time where I was genuinely seriously considering going into marketing/making commercials as a career lol. Or like, I have a relative who was very inclined to be a pastor when they were younger, even though today they're a super strong atheist, etc. etc.

#BECAUSE I knew I really liked filming and editing things and doing set design and costume design (from having done little bits of that #here and there in media classes and my own stuff - i used to be a lot more into making videos than I am now). BUT I was always thinking #that a movie is WAAY to big and long. even a short film. So I was trying to think of ways I could still like #have the fun of scouting locations to film and dressing up actors and etc. etc. without it having to be a Huge Million Dollar Production #on tv show or movie level. SO then I was thinking about like... just doing commercials. Or music videos. Like shorter things where I still #get the fun of the filming and everything but it's less of an intensive long term project.#So there is an alternate version of me (I suppose if i somehow did not end up having physical and mental health issues #as badly somehow.. or like.. randomly came into wealth and was able to pay my way through a nice college despite missing #days constantly being out because I'm sick or something lol) that works in some corporate advertising office coming up with commercials #and directing or filming them or doing the sets for them or something in that general vicinity.#I also was considering being a corporate psychologist. or whatever its called.. oh from google:#''Industrial and organizational (I/O) psychologists study and assess individual group and organization dynamics in the workplace''#I don't think I even knew what the job entailed. I was at the time just thinking like.. the type of person that comes into a business offic #and gives everyone personality assessments or does MBTI or big-5 testing crap for whatever reason that some businesses get that #done for people. Really i just wanted to be in a Corporate Big Office setting yet still do psychology. Because I used to be really fixated #on living in a big city. Like the ideas of everything being walkable. picking up a coffee in the morning. walking to my job in a Big #Skyscraper Building. people watching in a huge hotel lobby for lunch. flying frequently (I love airplanes and airports aesthetically).#living in an apartment with a giant window overlooking the city. etc. etc. BUT that was before i had really BEEN to a city. Then I actually #hung around a city a few times and went places and I was like... AUGh... The Sensory Overwhelm.. cars people lights loudness noise scary #everything happening all at once. etc. etc. (though even when I wanted to live in a city i NEVER strove for the Night Life. when i say I #enjoy city imagery I mean like... in the day time. Many people who like cities talk about The Night Life and post pictures of cities all #lit up at night and clubs and dancing and restaurants. none of that EVER appealed to me. perhaps a sign I am not a real city person. Like #I am NOT standing in a crowded bar full of loud people in the middle of the night lol.. get AWAY from me!!) but I do adore the #architecture of like bright white clean sterile modern spaces like huge airport lobbies or malls or etc. I think thats what reminded me of #city and what I liked about the idea of that life. Like I always LOVED the layout of schools and hospitals and trainstations and public #transport in general. Though even then I knew enough that I would not be a good architect/city planner. so I guess my adoration for those #spaces was merely to be channeled into LIVING there. but then I realized I didn't even really want to do that that much. I mean I still #definitely aim to live NEAR a city. like the little areas outside of it. I would never live in a rural place 4 hours from anything. I liter #ally just COULDNT since I need close access to hospitals sometimes lol. But I used to want to live in the CENTER of citites like high rise #condo. and now I'm like.... eh....... perhaps a smaller quieter walkable space nearby lol.. ANYWAY.. alternate me in my Business Suit eheh

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itz-pandora · 15 days ago

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Huh. If my life was a quote, it'd be "one of those sad ones with a deceptively happy tune"

#quote from MLP:FIW #sorryyyy been kinda angry about my step family all day #sorry but im so tired of my Stepmom acting like she raised decent kids #my step brother is like 25 and living in my dads home. hes unironically an andrew tate fan and treats his very disabled girlfriend like shit #step sister always got compred to my sister who's the same age and put step sis in the light every time EVEN THO MY SIS WAS LITERALLY BETTER #<- like grades n shit #also both step sibs are gross. never cleans up ever. step brother and his gf are banned from the basement #step bro went to juvy when he was 16 and step sis had a trial last year and almost went to jail #also step sis has mono and would rather die than cover her mouth #i feel bad for SB's girlfriend because she has no other support system and sometimes it feels like SB or SS is trying to kill her?????#my dad threatened to kick out the adults if the house is dirty (adults being SB. SBG. SS. My sister. Aunt.)#My sister does SO MUCH HOUSEWORK and nobody cares and im mad #also bullshit rules recently have made my potential eating disorder worse #i don't think its healthy to rather starve than wash a dish but i actually have cried several times over this #not to mention how much i accidentally starve myself #also our food has been less and less because I don't know what I'm allowed to eat anymore because of my step family #also i have to share the smallest room with my sister. its okay tho ilh and i wouldn't want to get rid of her #sometimes it feels like my stepmom doesn't like me or my sisters because we're “weird”. childish interests and artistic #she lectured me about having missing assignments and I started crying #i said i just forgot to turn in some before the deadline and she called me lazy #<- Oops! so close. its actually THE MENTAL ILLNESS #my sisters and i feel like shit #i feel like my safe space is with my oldest sister.#and you all too! i love you guys #i just feel trapped. trapped by my step family. trapped by my own mind.#i was just starting to feel free from the burden of school and she just made me feel more stressed.#i didn't want to study because she killed the little motivation I had #Spanish exam is now “Fuck it we ball”#sorry for the personal post

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cosmogyros · 2 months ago

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Literally can't pay my rent until I get paid for September, which hasn't happened yet. Today is Friday, and Monday is the last day of the month. I'm so tired of being poor.

#i still cringe to call myself 'poor' bc i have my own apartment and can afford groceries #and even fun stuff like museums and cafe visits and public transport sometimes #but the reality of the matter is that after i pay off my student loans every month #i do not have enough money left to pay the following month's rent #and that's the way it's been my whole life #all my groceries and museum visits and coffee come from those few hundred euros left over #my whole life i've been choosing between 'having savings' and 'having even the smallest most humble life' and obviously i choose the latter #i never go to the movies #i buy all my clothes second hand (got some this past month after not having bought any new clothing in almost two years)#i have visited a museum TWICE this year #i go to restaurants like... once a month max #i am living the most frugal life that i possibly can without denying myself all pleasures #i don't even have netflix or anything like that! i only very rarely order delivery! i cook my own damn meals!#you get the picture #and yet still: one single missed paycheck is enough to potentially fuck up my life seriously #i've never missed a rent payment in my life but i'm scared it may happen this time #just wrote to HR of my former employer (who is supposed to still be paying me through october) to politely ask where my paycheck is #it's probably coming today (i sure as hell hope so) but if it doesn't... i legit don't know how i'm going to pay my rent #my rent is 673 euros and i only have 400 in my bank account #i probably have enough food in my pantry to survive for a month if i had to #but i've never missed rent in germany before (or ever) and i have no idea how long they'd wait before evicting me for non-payment #i'm scared. and i'm tired of being apparently the only fucking person in my social groups who is this poor #i am an over-educated 37-year-old professional who typically gets classed with the 'expats'#but one missed salary payment has me thinking about eviction and affording groceries #this is what i mean when i say i'm an immigrant. not an expat.#those people with their apple watches and co-working spaces and spontaneous trips to thailand or brazil are... a world apart from me #how come everyone i meet is so damn rich? where do i find fellow poor friends?#anyway i'm stressed. and i'm so so tired of spending my mental energy worrying about money #cosmo gyres #personal

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snickerdoodlles · 7 months ago

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there's a point at which someone's fear of being a dick wraps back around to them just being a dick anyways

#im side-eyeing those who reblogged my post on ethnocentrism and missed the point #but im also thinking about the tags i saw on being too scared to comment on fic #the first is being ~too scared~ to write cultures other than their own #(1. my point was people should be learning *as they watch the show* not just when they write #2. i just. jfC. stop saying youre too scared to *try* to write from another culture/POV different from your own as tho its a *good* thing)#the second is just annoying/frustrating because being too scared to participate in community is how community's die #i dont want to be dismissive of cancel culture because i do know the stories and there is always indv cases of a person ready to be a dick #but like. its just *not* a thing most people have to be worried about. very likely you're just not big enough to have that concern.#anxiety's no joke but like. u dont just accept the anxiety as the excuse. you have to challenge it. i've been there but u cant feed it.#and i dont want to sound dismissive of that anxiety but im really frustrated with seeing people throw that excuse around #without considering how their fear-based attitudes/actions come off in turn #such as not showing fandom creatives any appreciation for fear of saying the ~wrong~ thing #which comes off as creatives' stuff seeming to be ignored completely or otherwise very discouraging silence #when the only rule for tags/comments is to treat others the way you wish to be treated and apologize if you accidentally tread a toe #and being more worried about accidentally stepping on a theoretical persons toe than interested in showing actual people gratitude #like? pretty sure im not the only one side-eyeing that like ''have u really considered this feeling/logic????''#again: its not saying that anxiety isnt a dick or easy to dismiss but i am saying maybe challenge it or at least reflect on it #i just #blahh #the commenting thing is way more mild than the other but tags arent for that conversation and i need a much better brain space for that one

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secondpersonpoetry · 1 month ago

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you’ve probably already read it before, but the poem Party by Kim Addonizio really got me tonight. first thought was “oh man. yeah” and then my second thought was “how can i make this about my hockey guys somehow………..”anyway! have a good one!

oh. oh.

#don’t think i’ve read this kim addonizio poem and it just blindsided me like a truck thank you so much #i. oh god. like yeah.#pour me shitfaced into your car i feel like you own a comforter extremely dysfunctional only in surface details like which person was the #black hole and the distant spark in space that might’ve been a star there’s something too with unrelenting mist / many-headed mist / missed #who knew mis(t)/sed had undone so many. while you keep an eye on the burner here’s hoping this flame doesn’t go out #the flame as in the spark as in don’t let me have pinned my hopes on you to watch it burn out again but also me. like please let me not go #and i think there’s something there too with the repetitive ‘i have just met you’ and i already love you that reminds me both of a story #colman domingo told abt meeting his partner i cry everytime i hear it right when he says ‘i think i love u &you’re about to change my life’#and i KNOW there’s another poem. and i feel like it maybe has a dog and it talks about how they don’t even know you but they love you #OH IT’S ALSO. OH MY GOD THAT’S IT. i mean not exactly so maybe i have read this before & it’s what has been haunting me for so long but #the opening line to tim seibles naïve is ‘i love you but i don’t know you’ - mennonite woman #the odds of that dog poem being a carl phillips poem is non-zero btw. his poems about dogs make me see shrimp colors (bertuzzi thesis)#ANYWAY. agreed. this is incredibly hockey and incredibly hurtful because they DO bond like this in 0.0001 seconds because if you can’t #you’re fucked. you have to just find somebody and fall in love with them and it’s the salmon and the triple cream brie like they got taken #out to some fancy meet the donors team night in their suits and one of them is dealing with a heartbreak and a trade and are the things #they think true or are they just missing what the used to have. jamie who used to empty and refill the ice tray YES sorry i have been a #little bit thinking that about the trevor dealing so poorly with the breakup and i wish i had another narrative (which i do) but it fits #trade deadline tragedy #and also the formation of a codependent rookies like. two guys that get drafted and brought up together and suddenly they’re doing #everything together and it’s your first time in the big show and none of your old college friends understand because they’re not there #and you can’t get it. like you think you know but they can’t understand and the loneliness and it IS guys taking care of each other #(alexa play harriet by hey rosetta! but specifically the bridge) and it’s just. i just!!! trying to fill up the missing pieces of your life #like i cannot convey WHOMST i am trying to pin this narrative to this is going to rotate for a long while i think #because it’s not a wild i fell in love with you at first sight it’s a you were kind to me when i was broken. and i love you for that.#like who is FALLING APART &happens to fall into someone else’s arms. purely for the partygirl aspect the devil (old hrpf) says ‘13 bennguin #who among us hasn’t fallen mildly briefly brilliantly in love with a stranger and imagined a future where you get everything you want #sometimes we love people for who they are and sometimes we love them for what we’re not and sometimes for who we think they’ll be #this was a very long way to say thank you for sharing <3 i will also be making this about my hockey guys <3 #OH MY GOD IT’S DPAIRS. WHO’S BEEN THROUGH SEVERAL DPAIRS #nonny <3

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moinsbienquekaworu · 10 months ago

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Housemate is letting one of her rabbits walk around at night again :/

#girl he's cute but that means i gotta leave the lights on #i can guess she's not asleep because there's light in her room and her smart tv was still pinging my phone with the casting notif #but like. you can let your own pet rabbit wander around the house with your door closed!#he's your bunny! you didn't say anything about it!#not even talking about the risk for the lil guy because this is in spirit a student house #like i'm the only full time student but we're all at that student-ish age and living consequently #by which i mean there's lots of crap on the ground that doesn't get cleaned often #the bunny is not safe walking around. he isn't. also i keep almost tripping on him #and it stresses me the fuck out personally to have to keep the lights turned on all night across the house #just because jasper's out and rabbits don't have night vision and i don't want him to be alone in the dark #but also there are for real screws on the floor of the bathroom just hanging out #like. this is not a house that is safe for rabbits to roam free around. it just isn't #and she's filled the only shelf in the bathroom with more hygiene products than anyone else #and and and and. she's a shit housemate i won't miss her when i leave to go back home #man i can't wait for the day i am not sharing living space with her. i like my other housemates!#mostly because they pick up after themselves #and they're aware that when they make a mess they have to take care of it afterwards #she just kinda does stuff and then doesn't think about it #if she lived on her own i would not give a shit but it's impacting my day-to-day life as well!#ARGH #anyway #wow i have a ramble tag now #england adventures

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carcarrot · 9 months ago

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i love my job that's like if you asked someone to design a place specifically meant to frustrate, torture and overstimulate an anxious person

#i cant do this anymore. i obviously will but like i cant do this anymore #you might think college-eduated professional people in a fancy office building would have some understanding of personal space and manners #but you'd be wrong!#i am staying in this job for everything aside from the actual job itself which i hate #im just here for the pay the insurance and the time off #and the fact that i can carve out important goofing off time during work hours. which just means i can be on my phone lmao #that being said i do sometimes miss my cafe job #i was more my own boss there and often worked completely alone (yay)#whereas here even though im kinda the boss of my own floor. i still have to deal w my dumb supervisor and coworkers and manager #plus at the cafe i had sole control of the music that played there. very important. lots of steely dan #sometimes when the work got really busy it sucked and was overwhelming but it would stil calm down eventually #and ill always hate dealing with annoying customers. but at least there they LEFT #here its the same assortment of idiots every goddamn day. and theyre always around #like yeah the cafe job had annoying things (taking out the trash from the basement. up stairs)#but it did have its fun moments #it just didnt pay nearly as good as this job and had no insurance or paid time off. oh well #this has me thinking abt what if i owned my own place. but i don't wanna

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hella1975 · 2 years ago

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by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn

#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem #& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss #and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified #whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing #but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!!#like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard #(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha)#is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this #like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp #and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life #and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM #THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER #SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME #but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself #and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it #like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe #that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love #or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress)#and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness #otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc #and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway #like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done #('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us)#whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me #and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response #AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT #like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart #ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum #but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism #taob updates

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sammyloomis · 1 year ago

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ive kinda been moping all day today (and for the past few weeks but whos counting) and it was just gettin to me and i thought "man this sucks i wish i wasnt feeling like this" and another part of my brain went "okay, then dont feel like this, stupid" and it...... worked?? kinda?? like i still feel shitty dont get me wrong, but literally thinking that i didnt wanna feel As shitty anymore actually worked so. 3 cheers for rerouting those neural pathways i guess

#ash.txt #man im just sick of feelin like a waste of space all the time #i miss living on my own and feeling like an actual person #i miss having that motivation to just Do shit #and ill get it back some day but god. GOD.#the me from before i moved back in with my parents that was like 'well maybe it wasnt AS bad as we remember'#YES IT IS. YES IT FUCKING IS BRO.

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arielluva · 6 months ago

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actually so funny (it isn't) that everytime i struggle to do something and i tell my parents about it they just respond with "you just have to do it." like. guys. if i could "just do it" i would NOT be complaining about not being able to do it!!

#this has happened so many times. why is that their default response #during online school 'i have 87 missing assignments and i cant concentrate on them. help.' 'just do them?' 'wow why didnt i think of that..#or my dad trying to imply that i had that many missing assignments on purpose??? buddy i am the same kid that would've rather died than-#-miss school. do you seriously think i would be behind on that shit on purpose??? in what world #every single time i struggle to do something and want advice they just tell me to do it. as if i couldn't have thought of that #especially when i realized part of why online school didnt work for me is because school and home were no longer separate #whenever i was at school (or just a general separate place where im Supposed to work on stuff) i could do it just fine #outside of school i would procrastinate so bad and have no motivation or concentration for anything #i told my mom i needed a separate place to work that wasnt my room and my personal computer. she told me to 'just do it'#and suddenly when i have a separate room and computer to work on (especially in a room i already had to work in before that)#suddenly i was able to concentrate! and get shit done!#and yet this same situation will probably happen again lol. bc my parents dont like listening and taking my mental problems seriously #but like. getting my own space allowed me to finish like 5 tarot cards in quick succession. in the previous MONTHS i only finished 3.#'hm i wonder why i could finish so many cards within a week. surely its not because of what my child said would help.'#like it mustve just been that i locked in somehow. not that i got accommodations.#anyway holy fucking essay i just typed out. i need to shower rn anyways. enough rambling from me for now

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josecariohca · 7 months ago

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#i think my grandparents are going home tomorrow. which. lmao thank god #i love them so much they practically raised me i adore them i always have and always will #but FUCK man religious brazilian grandparents are their own brand of psychological torture and i cannot handle much more of this #yesterday i overheard my grandfather talking to my grandmother about how i had two (2) caipirinhas at this brazilian steakhouse we went to #to celebrate his and my aunts birthdays #and he said its the beginning of alcoholism and that i will eventually follow in my mothers footsteps of being a drunk if i keep drinking #like HELLO?????? SIR????????????? I HAD TWO DRINKS. TWO. ALL NIGHT. THE WHOLE NIGHT. TWO DRINKS.#also leave my mom alone sir she went through hell growing up dont shit talk her thats YOUR parenting my man #its just. the micromanaging. the helicoptering. the incessant unwarranted opinions. the nagging. the criticism. im just over it tbh #AND THE GOD TALK. oh my gooooood if i am gifted one more portuguese bible im gonna. idk what im gonna do but im gonna do something #i could start my own fucking library at this point with how many bibles they keep foisting onto me #hopefully by this time tomorrow i will be free of this and everyone can. get some space.#i love my family but jesus crucificado alguém me ajude #LOVE U ALL MISS U ALL HOPE UR ALL WELL MWAH ILL BE BACK SOON PRAY FOR ME PLEASE #personal

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dinsdjrn · 1 year ago

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oh hi it’s meg!

updates for u all - i have a mystery illness from travelling so i’m gonna be in bed for the next few days (likely miss vid for the third time😵‍💫)

i’m getting a foster dog on tuesday