#i just havent been having fun doing anything at all
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feeling an inexplicable loneliness
#litcheraly dont know wats wrong wit me lately#i just havent been having fun doing anything at all#maybe i should make new friends idk#im so like#creatively blockwd#i dont have fun anymore at all actually#just misery
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doodled Stayn from living with magicians webtoon... I like him :) (just felt like drawing random webtoon characters fsr lmao)
#living with magicians#독신마법사기숙아파트#stayn#idk his last name lol#my art#im like 100% certain theres nothing in those tags either#I've been keeping up w this webtoon but I havent said anything abt it bc i dont necessarily rec it..?#i mean its decent so read if u want but i dont have brainrot for it so dkfjdj...#except for this guy he's fun :) love when stories have a blonde guy and hes kinda fucked up <3#he's like a cross btwn milk cookie & clotted cream cookie but more of an asshole than both of them KDJDK#(can i just say i rly prefer his design from ep 1 tho..... girl why'd u straighten ur hair... 💔 glowdown)#oh also he fits 1 of my fav tropes... asshole healer :)#anyway yea i dont necessarily rec it ITS NOT BAD BUT NOT 1 OF MY FAVS IS ALL... 🤧#(try to only rec webtoons i feel strongly abt bc i want u guys to trust my taste dkfjdk)#BTW IM NOT DISSING IT AT ALL its a nice webtoon!! if u also read it and like it then yaay#ok i do highkey love stayn tho hes the only 1 i have brainrot for. i <3 2 faced blonde bitches
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aha i lied. april fools.
#idk i dont really have any jokes. anything id do for april fools id willingly do any other day#anyways woohoo my favorite rejuv character melanie i cant believe i havent drawn her yet wow#sorry i havent really been drawing much lately ive mostly just been doodling random characters for myself#its been fun :] but nothing i really wanna post anywhere#but when i finaly get to reading the newest executioner light novel itll be all over for me. i doubt ill draw anything else for a while#pokemon rejuvenation
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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yall i got my first ever 'update when' comment today whats up. am i part of the cool kids club now
#talk tag#they were a guest so idk if they follow me here but if so uhh. im sure the intent was good and im not like. mad at all#but as a general rule its considered kind of rude to say that kinda stuff? just. for future reference#again. not mad if anything its almost a badge of honor lajfkldjsklfjds but just to keep in mind in future comments to ppl in general#also for the record...... cmh is very much not abandoned i have just been really fucking stuck on the next chapter#im working on it ok. its getting there. we will get there when we get there hope this helps#(ideally soon but i dont. wanna make promises idk if i can keep alfjdlksjfkdls)#. u know i will also say. my opinion on comments like that is probably . kinda weird#because like i very much dont love the phrasing Duh Obviously#+ nobody is *entitled* to updates im literally doing this for fun#but it is still also nice to know ppl still look forward to updates#and havent like. forgotten abt a fic just bc its been a while since i updated it#even though i think that commenter was a new reader that binged the whole thing but still#like. phrasing could be better but the intent Does actually make me kinda happy
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I had an Isaac run where it was so stressful my heartrate was at a 145bpm and it persisted for 6 hours. After that, like every day that followed, my heart would just suddenly shoot up to 120-140bpm for an hour if I so much as thought about something I've been stressing over recently. Everybody encouraging me to go to the ER. And I'm just like "Oh please I've actually always been like this, I'm fine." Had to chop down my Adderall dosage. But I swear I've felt like this since high school, but I guess the medicine enhances the feeling and that feeling was ANXIETY.
So, suffice to say, playing The Binding of Isaac™️ almost gave me a heart attack.
#and its not the adderall thats just inducing the heartrate#cause i only got prescribed adderall this year#dad got diagnosed with afib when i was still in school. he rushed himself to the hospital with mom while i was taking a test#i was like what the heck where did you guys go and mom said oh dad was having a heart attack or something and we didnt want to bother you#like WOULDNT YOU TELL YOUR CHILD OH MAYBE YOU WONT SEE YOUR FATHER AFTER WE GO TO THE HOSPITAL BUT FINISH YOUR EXAM BABY#that was like 2020 and we have a couple of those oxygen readers for your fingers and it measures your heartbeat#i out one on for fun im just sitting there at the dinner table and my heartrate was at 120#like i didnt do anything we been stuck at home because pandemic and we just having a nice dinner#and my heartbeat was just thats my resting heartrate. they told me to try the blood pressure thing#average blood pressure but truly my heartbeat was just vibing at 120. mis padres were like oh no maybe you have afib too#babes youre too young to have that. and i jsut said oh is that what it means when im nauseous and have to lie down#i havent been diagnosed with anything. i suspect is tachycardia but no official thing#although i havent seen a cardiologist. what if we pay to get a screening and its nothing#i dont want to go thru all that and let it be nothing. lets wait until its a real problem#when my brother and his family visited just like what two weeks ago he was like#he was sitting on moms exercise bike and said it reads your heartrate#and it did you put your hands on the handle and it reads yer pulse#i told him like oooh let me try. hey brother my resting heartrate is 120 a lot. and hes like. what. get on this thing#and i get off the couch literally resting and lay my hands on the handles#and we see it go up. from 80 to 90 to 100 to 110 to 120 and hes a nurse and my moms a nurse and he says go upstairs and rest#dont hang out here with the kids. and im like ha i already told mom#he said sit there for ten minutes dont do anythingg and were trying again#he got mom to call our doctor and my doctor said to stop taking the adderall which is NOT IDEAL theres worse repurcussions to stop cold#so i cut mine in half. cause i had a dosage of 20mg and i almost fainted at work. we died the dosage down to 15#but after all that i cut my 15 down to 7.5 cause hey i cant stop cold but i can ween myself#brother said i shouldnt be taking adderall if im not doing anything that requires focus. but im like i need focus to live man#look at how much ive been drawing...i mean its only in like hour long intervals but its productive#so theres that. i can feel my heartrate already up but i guess its just a thing with me...anywho#doodles#the binding of isaac
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i've been hating life extra bad lately </3
#so depressed too dont feel like doing anything#wake up w a headache everyday#everything is the same and it is so incredibly boring#spend all day watching yt or a kdrama which is fun but gets so extremely repetitive#i only talk to my mom a few times a day but that gets repetitive too. we kinda dont have anything to say anymore lil#lol*#hate school bc it's uninteresting and boring and i couldnt rlly choose the classes i wanted blah blah#i hate that i've asked for help for 6-7months now w my mental health#but they still have done jack fkn shit#i hate everyone hate everything....#im so bored#im so unable to do anything too#and i havent been able to reply to messages in days now lol#idk i dont see the point in doing anything i just dont wanna exist
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been sooo active lately I bet u guys are loving all the posts I'm making
#/Silly sorryyy i havent been active#i havent even been doing anything i just dont have fun things to sayyy Oh Well#miss u all forever though#possuminnit.thoughts
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the school arc to me is so good because it drags ciel out of his position as a powerful figure and literally places him in the shoes of the person he could have been. the circus arc ALSO drags him out of his position as big bad queens watch dog/head of the phantomhive estate but the school arc feels like a mockery of a future that never was. this is what he could have been had his parents not died. and even then its NOT because he will never be that kid.
he never was.
#ramblings#incoherent beyond belief its 4 am#and im trying to avoid manga spoilers#might add a reblog with more coherent thoughts when i wake up but im off my meds so i cant promise anything#actually correction im being vague w the manga spoilers#manga readers know whats up#idk if there are any anime only ppl who havent been spoiled on The Plottwist Ever yet#but i figured there will be new fans and though im not tagging this it might still get seen so#cant WAIT to see our boy absolutely miserable in animation form should they recreate that arc LMAOOO#which ofc is after the germany arc so thats still a long time away#but STILL. itd be fun i need to see this young teenager lose his mind in color with sound#him relying on sebastian to do all his fag duties (sorry. dredge) so he can work his way up the social ladder#trying to gain power while simultaneously proving that he cant do anything but rely on others#hes always needed help in basically every way and he hasnt CHANGED he just got a demon to do it for him#he learns to lie and charm and cheat and all the while hes a fucking CHILD WHO STILL STRUGGLES WITH NORMAL THINGS#ciel is my little baby and i love him deeply no matter how much of a little bitch he can be#his helplessness isnt just 'oh he was raised in british high society' its also that he never got the chance to learn anything#which to elaborate on that id also have to go into manga territory. iykyk#like absolutely at this point he just refuses to learn how to do things he has a pet demon to do it for him#but.#hi the phantomhives backstory is killing me again its so late#both atlantic and the school arc are just setup for the Big Arc but theyre very good in their own right i SWEAR#also when i rewatched the circus arc a while back and i realised how some scenes were shot#the heavy foreshadowing that i didnt realise. yk. 7 years ago or however long its been since i first watched it#CRAZY#if you are new. to kuroshitsuji. and you havent read the manga. dear god. read the manga#ALSO GRELLE IN THAT ARC IS SO BEAUTIFUL & OTHELLO IS TRANSMASCULINE. OKAY GOODBYE
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dont think i’ll be able to finish editing n begin posting the vlad/brie backstory reprisal by the 31st like i hoped i would 🤒
#soooooo maybe i’ll push it back to january 31st instead#to give myself some time to build a queue#and now i can make a cool preview pic like how some simblrs do u know#to promo their stories before they debut!! yesss that will be so fun i think i have some ideas for what i wanna do for it too#it’s so close to being done u guys i can TASTE IT!!!#sry ik i talk about this project a lot w/o ever really saying anything meaningful im just AHHHHH im so excited to share it!!#ive had so much fun writing it over these few yrs. it is an extremely personal work for me#it has been very cathartic 2 write and i hope you guys can appreciate it even though i havent been a simblr for months atp 😭❤️#ok thats all goodbye now i must go questing (go to the dispensary)
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.
#the rational part of me knows that everything will be okay but it's getting there thats always the hardest. so many big changes have been#happening recently and. fuck. i dont like what my life is becoming. i try my best to keep it together but god it's hard sometimes#i feel so. stupid. am i even worth anything? I'm just tired. i havent been doing anything to deserve to be tired but i am#i wish i could be better. i wont get into the details and i know this sounds like I'm losing my shit but god theres just so much happening#and I'm being crushed by this pressure and the scariest part is that maybe theres nothing even to be scared about. maybe this is just me#being fucked up and a scared little kid that was never quite good enough just like always. i was gonna get back to playing my game but ive#just been here for the past hour staring into space and crying. i tried to read a book but even that made me cry too-#what a fucking life huh? i dont know anything anymore. everything i know is changing and idk how to deal with it all#ive never felt so.. worthless. i just want a break. this is mostly just about academic pressure since thats what really set me off tonight#but everything else too.. god i'm so.. fucked. i put on this brave face because I'm in a position where ive been so isolated for so long#that i dont even have people to talk to about my problems anymore. when did it get to the point where i have all these friends in name but#thats all? when did i get so far from everuthing#when did it all fall apart? when did i become this stupid?#and ofc all this fucking jazz leads to the eventual 'my f/o wouldnt love a girl like me theyd go find someone else + leave' bullshit. sigh.#I'm fucking tired man. no one has to comfort me or message me or anything. I'll be fine and honestly I'm glad i was just able to get it out#(even if i can't share details obviously) I'm just.. at a point in my life where I'm confused. adulthood is hard man..#anyways i think I'll get my shit together and play more y.akuza now! the crying has sorta stopped lmaoo i think I'm on chapter 12 of 0 now?#very fun! I'm having fun.#negative#vent#ash rambles 💚#technically-#ahem. yeah. getting it all out felt good. maybe this hellsite is worth smth after all LMAAAOOO
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genbu ai has been found dead in miami.
#JK JK this is really exciting im glad kotarous getting an ai singing bank first#the whole point of virvox is a variety of masc synth voices after all and hes got like a really interesting voice#like his goofy very character-y tone is pretty unique so thats gonna be pretty fun#i seriously would have thought ryuusei would be the first tho. mostly just because hes so popular#but then again his voice provider might be busy. hes doing a lot of vtuber stuff and theres the upcoming aivoice2 talk bank#and yeah i didnt think genbu would be first LOL i prophesized this......#i mean i didnt know for sure but i did think it would be kind of funny. and it is kind of funny <3#also low key... i wouldnt be surprised if they gotta hold off for a bit. genbu might be cursed? they have been so so SO unlucky with him#king of software deprecation. king of contracts falling through. hes trying. hes trying#so i was like okay the first ai singing bank might not be him KJDSHJfdsjhkfds#besides as much as i would like an ai bank for benby (i would selfishly prefer a SV bank specifically so i can have my SV conveniences LOL)#im pretty satisfied with his concatenative. if you havent noticed <3#also selfishly i hope the next singing bank announcement (whenever that is) will be sourin. i think hes another really unique vocal#and also i want that old man. i need that old man. who said that#but any of them im exicted for. the younger guys kotarou and takuto i think about a little bit less often than the others#but i still like em a lot so it'll be fun to have that (not)catboy around#when we get more info i may start planning out some songs for him to cover.... ruh roh im already considering a few....#edit: im hoping SV because i like it but i'll be fine with any engine. except someone reminded me ace studio exists#i went from no fear to one fear in seconds flat. nothing against the software ive never used it its just#subscription software is not something i can do orz. please anything but that. i will be happy with anything but that LOL
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finally got every rabbit to lv220, time to start buying up the entire shop
#this is all i've been doing on skyblock#i havent played since last mining fiesta. i dont have anything to do :V i just log in for hoppity#been playing wobbledogs and splatoon and yesterday i rearranged my room#been drawing a bit too :0#sorry this blog is basically dead now but. eh whatever. was sorta fun while it lasted kjfhg#dont get me wrong i still LIKE skyblock i just ran out of content i am interested in#and i can only talk about mining so much. there's only so much to say lol#one day i'll do higher slayer levels or get back on the catacombs grind but for now i am having fun with squids#and by october i will be in mario mode. im so excited#my main is gonna be active again it'll be crazy kfjhkg#chat#sb
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im just saying i could do aria justice better than the show ever did and i dont even like aria
#she bored me but also i think her trauma is fun to explore and all the aria is actually A theories were top tier#ezra can rot if i ever write aria she is not marrying that man god i cant believe they made that canon#teen me was sooo here for ezria i love forbidden romance but like. now that i am a grown adult and know better god#he is an evil little man and i hate his guts#props 2 the actor tho he did a great job#anyway im trying hard not to go into brainrot for a show i never finished#and if i DO pll is not at the top of my list right now i have others i need to catch up on#i wanna endeavor to finish glee and desperate housewives bc i never Finished glee i did to s3 i think maybe 4#and desperate housewives i like. i half watched when it aired but was also a Child so i didnt comprehend anything#same w ghost whisperer i miss that one#i need to really. i need to watch things more often i just keep rewatching the same shit#currently rewatching heroes and brainrotting over it but also i havent watched in a few days bc ive been rewatching bly manor#the likelihood of me rewatching things falls so heavily on if there r reaction channels on youtube that watch it sdkljfhsd#i have seen buffy more times than i can count bc of reactors and im also getting to watch veronica mars more now and thats fun#desperately need more reactors to watch twin peaks its so good for reactions and commentary and theories#desperate housewives would be good for that too tbh#i know there are pll reactors out there i need more tho#teen wolf also i need more#i have my little circle of channels and i thrive#pretty much it r the keystone of what i watch so frequently i love eric i love miles i love watching anything w them#i love reaction videos it makes me feel less alone sdfkjgkdfhkgjhdfkj
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*werewolf ripping shirt image* I NEED TO MAKE MORE OCS RAAAAAARGHHHH (it takes me 89384 years to finish creating and drawing a single oc concept)
#🧃#im unsatified with my current ocs. my artfight account feels too empty and im bored of most of these characters#i keep helping my brother develop and draw and joke around with his ocs and its so fun and i wanna do it toooo#ive been trying to make a little sonic sona for myself and its been actual weeks without me being able to finish a simple ref sheet for it#much less have i thought out of the like. powers or lore for it. i suck so much at all this#and of Course havent drawn anything or made any artfight attacks in all this time#i want to draw i just Cant im fucking cursed or something
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in the club bathroom straightup pondering it. and by "it" haha well let's just say, 'whether or not i should attempt to finish & share a fic i've been working on for nearly a year now'
#happy june everybody#life's weird#so many many unexpected things happen and then you just have to make decisions about them like damn#to be clear i am not in a club bathroom right now#i just cant believe THAT's where i felt the most clarity about this thing that's been bothering me for almost 12 months#like yes the main reason i havent been posting or even reading is time#so many life/work/money/health insurance things have distracted me from all kinds of hobby type stuff#but also. that's been the case for long enough now that the scraps of time i do find surely could have amounted to something already#IF i was really certain that i wanted them to#and that kind of certainty is precisely what i haven't been able to hold onto long enough to make anything happen#bc the sad truth is i have been writing! i even think some of it's very good! but commit to posting it? that's another story entirely#and i HATE being so conflicted/anxious over a thing i do for fun#what the fuck is that about!#but still i have been#ugh i dont know what to do#club bathroom clarity come back#the worst part is i wasnt even drunk yet i must've just been enjoying myself enough that i was relaxed for the first time in a long time#tho clearly not as much as i could have been enjoying myself if i still had time to think about goddamn fanfic at the club
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