#i just got out of therapy i feel like a hypocrite but at least my therapist acknowledges therapy doesn't fix systemic problems

[basedtater]

there's something so therapeutic about screaming "one two three and hold it, three two one and let it go" at the top of my lungs as someone who's hyper critical of psychiatry like i don't know why that hits so hard esp along side of the line "state sanctioned anxiety app" like yes GET THEM

[universesweetheart]

Bad Dream (Dazai x Reader)

Art credits to haru9033 on Twitter (X or whatever the new name is)

Look at my cinnamon bun, my sweet baby. He's safe in my bed y'all! This is 100% self-indulgent because my therapy is until the 18th so I needed a distraction after reading chapter 109.

In which we have a nightmare (chapter 109 is the fucking nightmare) and Dazai comforts us to the best of his abilities. He's trying ok!

Should I write comfort for Sigma? When I get my hands on that rat!

Bye now - Mars ♡

Your eyes shot open, big and filled to the brim with tears. You felt your heart beating out of your chest, the muscle pumping larger amounts of blood under the silly impression that you’re dying. You were dying. It felt so, at least.

This unbearable tight feeling in your chest, like someone had your heart in their hands and was continuously wringing. Tighter and tighter. Your throat, stiff and dry, made your body feel worse. You could barely get a word out.

Dreams have a funny way of feeling too real and your silly little brain confuses reality with them. But it felt so real.

An overwhelmingly dreadful feeling engulfs your chest.

Breathe. Breathe.

The man beside you sleeping peacefully, or so it looked. Your legs intertwined with each other, and his head rested up against your breast without fully being on top of you. You try to calm yourself down, not wanting to wake your lover. It’s rare he gets any sleep. His own mind a steady home for ugly thoughts.

Gently you push him away from your body and get up, making your way to the kitchen. You poured yourself a glass of cold water and chug it down.

“Bella…” Dazai calls from the doorway, his face filled with sleep and his hair messy yet he still managed to look beautiful. He’s always beautiful.

“Oh… Osamu” you said weakly with a smile. “Just got a bit thirsty” you lie. You’ve figured out a while ago that it’s impossible to lie to him. The man was simply too smart.

Dazai smiled and approached you, his hands finding homage on your waist. “Bad dream?” he asked and leaned down holding you close. He rubbed his cheek against yours.

You nod, “I can’t hide anything from you huh?” his grip on your waist tightens ever so slightly. “No.”

He hums and leads you back to your bedroom. “Come, sit” he sits down on the bed leaning against the headboard and pulls you down onto his lap, “Tell me about it” His voice low and gentle. He radiates a certain comfort, or maybe it was because you’ve grown to love him so dearly that you naturally seek comfort from him.

Dazai places a kiss on your forehead, his hand rubbing your back trying to soothe you.

“Osamu…I…” You take a deep breath, “you… you died” your voice breaks and the tears roll down your cheeks. He brings his other hand up to your cheek, wiping away your tears. “I know it’s just a dream, but it felt too real and-and” you bury your face into the crook of his neck. His scent working as a grounding method, you breathe him in deeply. He smells like home.

Your home.

“I just don’t want to lose you” the tears kept flowing and your voice trembles as you speak.

“Bella I’m here” Dazai pulls you closer to his body as if to prove his point. “Right here my love” he leans down and kisses you. The kiss is slow, long, sloppy and each passing second, he presses himself closer into you. “I’m not going anywhere” he whispers against your lips.

He knows he’s contradicting himself. He knows. He knows he sounds like a hypocrite because he’s always mentioning suicide and asking you to die alongside him but right now. Right now, seeing you like this, crying and trembling he feels his heart breaks to pieces. And crying because of a stupid dream of him dying makes it even worse.

He knows it’s selfish but how he’s happy. Because he feels so loved right now. You’re crying over him, even if it’s just his dream self, you’re still crying for him. His heart does a little flutter. Still his main priority is comforting you, he’s no stranger to nightmares and you’re always there to comfort him when he’s bothered by his own ugly thoughts and dreams.

But Dazai felt so helpless, and he uttered out the most cliché words, but he couldn’t help it. Not when his love is trembling in fear right in his arms. 

“Samu you” you exhales, trying to find your composure but every time you think you’ve stopped crying the minute you look into his eyes the tears start coming again. It was horrible, the image of your nightmare just replaying in your head.

Wrapping your hands around him you hug him tightly, you’re afraid he may not be able to breathe so you release it a bit. “Don’t fucking die” you threaten and Dazai can’t help but smile. This woman.

“Bella sshh” he seeks out your lips, kissing you again. “M’here, right here, yeah?” he pulls back and hold your face with both hands and rests his forehead against yours.

You’ve calmed down a bit, forehead resting against his. “Osamu, just” you found it hard to speak. Your body slightly trembling, seeking your lover’s touch.  “Don’t move, just hold me…please”

He wraps his arms tighter around your form, you snuggle into him and close your eyes.

Dazai found himself humming softly and patting your back in a comforting manner. He kept doing so until he felt your light snore and the slower heartbeat. The steady thump thump thump comforting him.

“I love you very much and I won’t leave” he whispered and placed a kiss on the crown of your head.

.

That night Dazai Osamu stayed awake and kept his lover tightly secured in his arms, looking over and comforting them.

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

possibly scenes between masquerade canon aka who left the two hotel grumps together who did that. don't do that. what if they start bonding and shit

Vaggie: “Okay… Angel’s off to work, and Charlie’s off to work on that… looks like it’s just us assholes here.”

Husk: “Do not lump me in with you motherfuckers.”

Vaggie: "You're literally worse than them."

Husk: "Bullshit." (swig) "And there's no them without including YOUR sorry ass too."

Vaggie: (glares) "Har. Har."

Sir Pentious: “Can WE, er, ah- sssswitch off the porn now..?”

Niffty: “No~” (kicking heels) “Let’s rewind to part where the bad boy actually EATS Angel’s ass.”

Vaggie: “Niffty- ugh, can you just, take it back to your own room?”

Niffty: “The hotel air vents don’t have a TV!”

Vaggie: “You live in the- okay. Pentious. I won’t kill you for watching me and Charlie sleep IF you rig Niffty up with her own TV somewhere that’s not the lobby.”

Sir Pentious: “Do I HAVE to ssspend time with the pessst-”

Vaggie: (punches fist into palm) "Now."

Sir Pentious: “-AH yes!!  PORN ISSS A RIGHT NONE SHOULD BE DENIED!” (scoops up nifty) “Come sssmall pessst, let uss inssstall a sssscrene for your PRIVATE viewing pleasssure!”

Niffty: (giggling) “Do you even know what privacy means-?”

Sir Pentious: “AAAHAHA OF COURSE I DO!!!” (hurriedly slithers away)   

Husk: “… and these are the fuckers you and your little miss princess are trying to rehabilitate.”

Vaggie: “That’s the plan yeah.”

Husk: “Ha! Good fucking luck.”   

Vaggie: (sigh) “Husk?”

Husk: “What?”

Vaggie: “You’re fired.”

Husk: (spits drink) “FffUCK-” (cough) “-you I’m WHAT!?”

Vaggie: “Can’t keep to the code of not talking about shit you know you weren’t supposed to hear? Fine. No more bartender therapy for you."

Husk: "You can't fucking do that."

Vaggie: "Hotel fucking manager, asshole. Watch me. From now on you serve drinks ONLY to go, NO more people sitting at your bar for you make yourself feel better listening to. Not until you treat them like people instead of a damn telenovela."

Husk: “You think I LIKE listening to you all bitching?”

Vaggie: “No. I’m saying I’m not the only self-hating bastard here who gets off on judging others.”

Husk: “Fuck you.”

Vaggie: "Wow what a comeback. Look Husk, if you’re gonna break our trust just to score points in a dumb argument then you can go get your gossip somewhere else.”

Husk: “It’s the only way I’m getting paid in this crappy place!”

Vaggie: “And who’s fault is that? Did I sell your soul to a creepy smug disc jockey?”

Husk: “You’re sure using it either way.”

Vaggie: “Can’t be judgmental without being a fucking hypocrite too, right? Might as well own it, since now everyone knows that’s my thing.”

Husk: “I was trying to help you motherfucking losers!”

Vaggie: “Like hell. Telling others how much they suck feels good doesn't it? Feels like you've got it all figured out. No reason to get your own shit together when you can point at people who're an even bigger mess than you. No, you've already learned your lesson, you fucked up but won't be making any more mistakes. At least you're not in denial over it. At least you're coping with it the right way, aren't you."

Husk: "Well you'd sure fucking know since you're doing it right now."

Vaggie: "Takes one to know one."

Husk: "Tell yourself that if it helps."

Vaggie: "Oh you wanna talk about helping? Charlie’s trying to help every one of you assholes here. She's the one opening up and risking fucking up and getting hurt trying to reach you! Not that it matters to any of you.”    

Husk: “…”

Sir Pentious: (muffled) “It matterssss to me!!!”

Vaggie: (groans) “WHAT DOES PRIVACY MEAN, PENTIOUS!?”

Sir Pentious: “….not, ah, lisssstening in from the hotel air ventilashhhtion ssssystem…?”

Niffty: “Carrrrreful. Don’t crawl through my disembowel rat corpse collection~”

Sir Pentious: (shrieking)

-later that night-

Vaggie: “Hey."

Husk: "Hey your fucking self."

Vaggie: "Angel Dust said you had a drink with him.”

Husk: “Yeah? What if he did?” (ears flattening) “He didn’t even get fucking tipsy and I’m not telling anyone what that loser would’ve said to me while drunk off his ass anyway. I don’t hate you motherfuckers that much.”

Vaggie: (smiles) “Yeah. I know.”

Husk: “…. your miss princess asleep?”

Vaggie: “Technically she’s in bed. Angel Dust came over for a sleepover girls night and I kicked Pentious out of a shadowy corner to join them. You seen Niffty?”

Husk: “No. Sounds like she’s still enjoying that shitty film though.”

Vaggie: “Sounds like? What-”

Husk: “Shh. Listen.”

Vaggie: “…… are the air vents..”

Husk: “Moaning.”

Vaggie: “That’s Angel Dust’s moaning. That’s his work moan- Fuck, I never wanted to know what that sounded like- but does that means the hotel ventilation system is-?”

Husk: “Piping hot garbage throughout the hotel like hell’s shittiest surround sound.”  

Vaggie: “Great.”

Husk: “Hope your princess is ready for the audiobook.”

Vaggie: “Ugggghhhh.”

Husk: “Drink?”

Vaggie: “Just break the bottle over my head....”

Husk: “Fuck no.” (grins) “I’m not wasting a whole bottle on you.”

Vaggie: “Pour it out for yourself then. Tonight you’ve earned it.”

Husk: “Earned what, a fucking hangover?”

Vaggie: (rolls eye) “Just drink up, old man. I’ll drag you back to your room and toss you in when you’re done getting drunk off your own ass.”

Husk: “Huh!”

Vaggie: “I also won’t tell your princess he left you smiling like a dumbass for the rest of the night either.”

Husk: (opens bottle) “You better fucking not...” (swigs) (still smiling)

[poppy-metal]

mrs failmarriage au reader is so bratty and so toxic i am HUNGRY for any morsel of idea that come to your mind when you think of her and patartashi’s inevitable reconnection and proper establishing of the polycule like.

theyre gonna reaffirm her and squash her fears for sure but i believe they should take it out on her little pussy for the sheer amounts of sexual frustration everyone’s facing . it would be euphoric for her to be accepted and finally SEEN by art but also by the two closest ppl orbiting their lives. to share in the lust and mutual desire she would have nowhere left to (emotionally)run. i think abt this au so often poppy thank you for being so open to chat abt it!!!

also imagining art confronting her and patrick abt her secret w/ patrick bc WOW finding tht out must have fucking stung him. the text tashi sent her…so sad but so sexy.

reader is really her own worst enemy here preventing herself from having what she wants and needs when she could just reopen her heart (and legs) to the marriage and polycule.

ooh! does art even try to put himself out there to “”move on”” (delusions!) or make reader jealous pike she did to him by posting on insta? or is that just impossible for him bc he’s so lovesick.

bc i LOVE the idea of that forcing reader to realise how hypocritical her own territorial nature is. plus feeling winded when she realizes the type of rage-worry-sadness she feels abt his random tinder date is clearer cut than her feelings abt art with patashi (aka she realises she trusts patashi with art in her absence during the separation. but is fuming at the idea of another person outside of patashi) lol reader is so meeeee. so twisty 😂😭 babygirl pls go to solo therapy and work thru ur neuroses and hangups the loves of your life are waiting for you!!!

lmfao imagine art having to still compete in a tennis open under these conditions 😭😭

i love when you guys send me messages like this like YESSSSSS let my little au consume you let it become worms in your brain.

art probably retired from tennis a few years ago - he didn't feel the need to push himself to continue playing - you dont play tennis, so he doesn't have that pressure to appease you - but he still plays it for fun, i imagine. especially with patrick and tashi (in this au tashi never got injured so shes probably a pro player still. patrick too.(( you watch their matches secretly))

i also doubt art would try dating because he really has no interest in anyone outside of the polycule and hes such a loverboy at heart he'd be terrible at even acting like he was with someone else - tashi might set up a situation where it looks like hes on a date, just to get readers attention, though. and reader would definitely kick and scream over that notion. at least with patashi she knows art is connected to her still.

[kywaslost]

ok- idea:

you’ve always helped bakugou. with his confidence, with his personhood, with nightmares, and whether he’d ever say it or not, he appreciates it. a lot. so you can safely bet that he’s just ITCHING to pay you back.

except, you won’t let him. you refuse to. something happens, you can make it up- maybe a mission goes bad, you have family or friend troubles, maybe just plain ol’ insecurities, but you’re SO stubborn with it he could call you a hypocrite. but it doesn’t deter him- he keeps trying. he tries, and tries until he finally gets it from you. the night you give up he thanks you for letting him in and holds you, keeping you in the warmest, softest embrace as he promises to the moon and back that he is there and he will keep you from harm, just as you did with him <3

Let Me Return the Favor - Bakugou

A/N: Hi! I love this request so much!! I hope you enjoy it! I also hope you don’t mind that I kinda made this really self indulgent since I’m currently going through friend troubles and having a hard time working my way through it. Sorry!

Reader had a boyfriend at one point.

God this turned out so much longer then I thought ☠️☠️☠️

You first met Bakugou when he was kidnapped by the League of Villains. Strange, I know. But you were another captive and the League wanted you to join them, just like they did with Bakugou. During your time with him, the two of you learned a lot about each other. He’d get loud to cover up his stress and worry, often portraying his emotions as anger. Bakugou learned that you stayed quiet in times of stress and worry.

When Bakugou’s friends came to rescue him, they rescued you too. You watched the fight between All Might and All for One from afar, clinging to the back of Bakugou’s shirt. Whether it was to comfort him or yourself, you weren’t sure.

Aizawa and Principal Nezu managed to get you into class 1-A when they realized that you had the potential to become a hero. And you had experience. That’s what surprised them the most. You were the child of a pro hero, one that would take you out on patrol with them. They were a teacher at Shiketsu, so you'd spend a lot of time around heroes in training.

During your time at UA, you spent a lot of time with Bakugou. Both of you had at least a bit of trauma from the kidnappings and being near each other brought about some source of comfort. You used this time with him to try and build his confidence. The two of you spent most of the day at the gym, taking your emotions out on either each other or the equipment. Nights were spent in his room, talking about things.

If any of Katsuki’s classmates were to hear of this, they’d think Toga was the one they brought back. Katsuki talking to someone about how he feels? No way. But it was true. He learned to trust you so much that he once came to your room in the middle of the night crying because he had a nightmare. Nightmares were his biggest issue and most of them were about him being kidnapped, so he went to you for comfort.

Bakugou wouldn’t admit it to anyone but you, but he was so unbelievably grateful for you. You’d helped him through his nightmares, walked with him to and from his therapy appointments, and overall just calmed him with your presence. He felt bad, though, because he couldn’t return the favor. It’s not that he didn’t want to, he really really did, but you wouldn’t let him. You pushed him away, in fact. It’s what made Katsuki itch more and more to finally return the favor.

Katsuki knew a bit about your personal life. You’d told him about your parents and how your dad was a pro hero. How you visited Shiketsu but were never enrolled. How you got your hero training from both your father and the commission (though you never went into detail about the commission part, always changing the subject). But he probably knew the most about your friend group from the normal civilian high school you went to. He paid so close attention that he could list all of their names and your relationships with them. There was your ex boyfriend, who was your best friend for 12 years until you dated but then you broke up with them to work on your mental health. Then there were the several girls you hung out with. You’d told him how you’d become close friends with each of them and spent too much time with them. It was almost as if you always talked about at least two of them a day.

But then you stopped. At first it was gradual. You only talked about certain friends instead of all of them. And then Katsuki noticed how your mood changed when you talked about them. You used to get all excited and happy when you mentioned things you had done with your friends, or get really loud and hyper when you talked about upcoming plans with them. But now you were quiet, often avoiding Katsuki’s eyes when talking about them. You started saying less and less things about your friends and didn’t act as excited as you used to when you mentioned upcoming plans with them. It was strange.

And then you stopped talking about them altogether.

To be honest, it bothered Bakugou to see you this way. You rarely leave the dorms now, choosing to spend most of your time either with him or alone in your room. You were a lot quieter and you didn’t look as alive as you used to. Bakugou tried to talk to you about it, to ask what was wrong, but you’d just brush him off. Your excuse was that you were tired, giving him a small smile and then excusing yourself to go to your room.

What pushed him over the edge, though, was when you returned to the dorms one night on the verge of tears. Your eyes were red and puffy. You’d most likely been crying on your way back to campus. Bakugou was the first to notice your arrival, and then the first to notice your distress. He immediately left his spot on the couch next to Kirishima to stand next to you, placing a hand on your shoulder.

In the background you could hear Mina and Denki making fun of Katsuki for ‘being too soft around you’.

You simply brushed Bakugou’s hand off of you and continued walking to the elevator. That didn’t stop Bakugou from following you, though. “Y/N, wait up.” His voice was gentle and soft as he barely managed to catch the elevator with you.

He watched you from the opposite side of the small space. Your head was hung low and you were sniffling quietly. Bakugou was getting nervous. Has something happened to you while you were gone? You’d said you were going to your best friend’s house just to hang out with your friend group. But that’s all he knew. Did you get into a fight with them? Was there a run in with a villain? Did something trigger a bad memory from your kidnapping and you were left to deal with it on your own?

Katsuki shook his head to clear his thoughts. All he had to do was ask. He was working himself up over it. “Y/N, are you alright?”

He watched you. Katsuki watched as you wiped at your eyes and then sniffled again, keeping your gaze on your favorite pair of shoes. They were dirty and muddy. It must have been because of the storm that hit a few days ago. “I’m fine.” Your voice was quiet and shaky. What had happened to you?

“We aren’t allowed to say that,” Bakugou said, clearing his throat. “Remember? You said that I’m not allowed to say ‘I’m fine’. You said that I had to be honest with you. So be honest with me.”

You shook your head, glancing up at the floor number. 3rd floor. Only 3 more to go.

“Don’t worry about it Bakugou. I’ll be ok.”

“But you don’t look like you are now.” He had to keep pressing. Finally, it was his chance to help you. To comfort you the same way you’d comforted him all those times before. “Let me be there for you Y/N. Just talk to me.” His natural crimson eyes tried to meet your unnaturally red ones, but you turned your head away.

The elevator dinged, signaling your arrival to the fifth floor. “No, Bakugou.” You stepped out of the small enclosure and quickly made your way to your bedroom.

It wouldn’t hurt to give you some space, so that’s exactly what Bakugou did.

When he still hadn’t heard from you and hour later, he grew even more worried. You didn’t come down for dinner so Bakugou fixed you up a plate with foods he knew you liked and brought them up to your room. He knocked on the door but did not receive a response.

“Y/N?” he called quietly. “You in there?” Silence. He knocked again. “Y/N?” Still no response. With a sigh Bakugou slowly lowered himself down onto the floor and leaned against your door. He placed your plate down beside him. “You missed dinner so I brought you a plate.” He chuckled softly to try and lighten the mood. “Don’t worry, I made sure your food’s not touching.”

Katsuki sat there for a bit longer, listening for any signs of movement or life coming from your side of the door. “Listen, I don’t know why you won’t talk to me about things like this. About what’s been making you cry the past few weeks. I can see it in your eyes every night I come to say goodnight, or when I come in during the night. Something is bothering you. You know, if it’s nightmares you can tell me right? Just like how you taught me to come to you.” He paused for a moment. “I’m not leaving until I know you’re alright in there. Until I know that you’ve stopped crying.”

At those words he could hear you burst into tears from behind your door. Jumping to his feet, he knocked again. “Y/N? I’m coming in, ok?” Twisting your door handle slowly, he pushed open your bedroom door. Your lights were off, the soft glow of the sunset drifting in through your closed curtains. But Bakugou expected it. You hated artificial light. You almost never had your lights on.

As he scanned your room Bakugou found you curled into a ball at the head of your bed, wrapped up in your weighted blanket and trying to muffle your sobs with the stuffed animal you made with your friends over the summer at Build-A-Bear. His eyes softened with worry. “Oh, n/n.” Bakugou gently closed the food behind him and then took three large steps over to your bed. He lowered himself down on the mattress beside you, scooping you up and placing you in his lap. You’d done this for him once, just after his first nightmare after being rescued. You held him close to your chest and ran a hand through his hair, letting him cry into your nightshirt. So that’s what he’d do for you.

Untangling you slightly from your blanket, Bakugou adjective you so you were laying against his chest, face buried into the crook of his neck. He could feel your tears run down into the space between his neck and clavicle, then down to soak into his shirt. You had let go of your stuffed animal, it falling to the ground beside your bed as your hands moved to wrap around Bakugou’s torso and grip the back of his shirt. Katsuki ran one hand through your hair as another ran comfortably up and down your back. He rested his head on your own. He smiled softly. He knew he shouldn’t be because it could come off wrong, but he was just so happy you had finally let him help you the way you had helped him.

“Shhh,” he cooed softly. “It’s ok. I’m here now.” The more he held you, the more you cried and your breathing was becoming more staggered and irregular. You were about to send yourself into a panic attack if Bakugou couldn’t calm you down. “Heyyy, shhhhh.” The hand that was in your hair suddenly settled itself on the back of your neck, rubbing gently. “Breathe, Y/N, breathe.” Bakugou took in long, deep breaths, hoping you’d feel his chest rise and fall beneath yours. “You’re starting to hyperventilate. Breathe with me.”

Katsuki led you through a couple breathing exercises you and his therapist had taught him, eventually calming your breathing and your tears. His shirt was drenched in your sweat and tears but he didn’t mind one bit. As long as you felt better, that’s all that mattered to him.

“You feel really warm,” he said softly, feeling your forehead with the hand that was on the back of your neck. “Let’s get you cooled off, yeah?” Bakugou slowly stood, cradling you in his arms as he pulled back the curtains to your balcony and opened the door. The cool night air blew the hair out of his eyes as he stepped out into the darkness. Katsuki knew you kept one of those lounge chairs out there, like the ones you’d find at the beach. Once he found the piece of furniture he gently sat you down on it. Crouching down in front of you, Bakugou’s soft gaze met your tired one as he brushed your hair away from your face. “I’m going to get you some water and a cool rag. I’ll be back, I promise.”

Without thinking Bakugou placed a quick kiss to the crown of your head before leaving you alone out in the cool night air. And just like he said he would, he returned not too much longer with a bottle of water, a wet rag, a bottle of pills, and a small snack. He was wearing a different shirt now, too. Sitting down on the ground in front of you, Katsuki opened the bottle of water and gently pressed it into your hands. “Here. You need to rehydrate.” Once he made sure you were going to drink the liquid he opened the bottle of pills, spilling a few into his hand before passing them over to you. “And these are for the headache I’m sure you’re going to get. Now drink all of your water.”

Once you had finished off the bottle Bakugou moved to sit beside you. He opened the small snack he brought and his warm hands brushed against yours as he passed it to you. “Eat. You missed dinner.” As you slowly ate your favorite snack Bakugou brought the cloth up to your face. “Can I touch your face?” You nodded slightly and Bakugou began wiping under your eyes. He took his time, wiping away the many trails tears had left across your blushed cheeks. Then he worked his way across your nose and up to your forehead. When he was finished he pressed the rag against the back of your neck.

“How do you feel?” he asked softly. “Any better?”

You cleared your throat and sniffled slightly. “Yeah. I do.” You offered him a small smile. “I needed that. Thank you.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Bakugou responded, giving your knee a gentle shove. “You’ve helped me so much. This is just me returning the favor.”

“Bakugou?” Your voice was so soft and timid. “Can…” you sighed in frustration with yourself. “Can I have a hug?”

Bakugou smiled, then opened up his arms. “C’mere.” You dove into his arms as he held you tightly yet again. Bakugou shifted around to get more comfortable, then pulled you to lay down on top of him as he laid back in the chair. “You don’t ever have to ask me for a hug, n/n.” As the two of you sat in a comfortable silence Bakugou asked, “What’s gotten you so worked up anyway?”

You took a moment to think, then you sighed. “It’s my friends. They haven’t been treating me very well.”

Bakugou’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean? How so?”

You held Bakugou a bit tighter. “We’re going to be here a while.”

You felt Bakugou shrug beneath you. “Tomorrow’s Saturday. We have all the time in the world.”

You snuggled closer to Katsuki, preparing yourself for a lot of explaining. “They’re all beginning to ignore me.”

“All of them?”

You nodded. “All of them. When they’re all texting in the group chat and I send a message, it goes completely unnoticed. Or when I’m the first to text no one answers. I’m either left on delivered or opened. Remember when I was sick last week?”

“Sure do. I thought you were dead, you slept so much.”

You giggled at Bakugou’s response. “Well, only one person said anything when I texted the chat. But when Emily was sick a few days later everyone responded several times reminding her to take tests when she got back, sending hearts, or saying that they hoped she’d feel better. But I got nothing.” Bakugou ran a hand down your back again, beginning to feel you working yourself up again. You took a deep breath and continued. “No one talks to me outside of school, and even then only a few do.”

You spent the next hour explaining how each friend had hurt your feelings, or how they had done something they probably shouldn’t have. Bakugou encouraged you the entire time, though, continuing to rub your back or reminding you to breathe when you were working yourself up again.

It was almost midnight when you finished filling Bakugou in on everything between you and your so-called friends. When you were done, Bakugou removed the cloth from the back of your neck and then did something unexpected. He held you as tightly as he could, burying his face into your hair. “I promise you Y/N that I will never treat you the way that those extras have treated you. I’m always going to be here for you. Just like you have been for me.”

You couldn’t help falling asleep on Bakugou. His ambulance was just so warm and welcoming and it helped battle the chill of the cool night air. It didn’t help that when he changed shirts, he changed into a hoodie that smelled so strongly of him that you felt safe, like nothing could ever harm you.

Bakugou wasn’t aware you’d fallen asleep on him at first. He was confused when you didn’t respond to him, afraid he may have said the wrong thing but then his eyes landed on your closed ones and he relaxed slightly. “Damn nerd, falling asleep on me out here in the cold,” he quietly teased. “Let’s get you inside.” He maneuvered you around so he could pick you up, cursing quietly when he thought you had woken up. “No no no, go back to sleep,” he cooed quickly, pulling you back to his chest and resting a hand on the back of your head. “It’s alright. I’ve got ya. Go back to sleep.” He sighed in relief when your eyes stayed closed.

Bakugou stood, carefully carrying you back inside and laying you down on your bed. He made sure to close and lock the balcony doors, drawing the curtains closed like you liked them. Katsuki bent down, carefully picking up your stuffed animal from earlier before he slid into bed next to you. Pulling your weighted blanket up around the both of you, he also placed your stuffy in your arms before pulling you back against his chest.

You’d helped Bakugou in more ways than he could count. He was just happy you’d let him help you just this once. :)

[cosmics-beings]

Can I ask your opinion on what you personally think a good redemption arc for Megatron would be? I agree with your opinion of IDW/ES’s attempts because it really feels like something is…missing.

this is kinda critical, and it may be strange coming from me because over the past year I've tended to be soft on megatron but I've also been looking at characters with a more critical lens....so if hardcore megatron critique offends you then just look over. also...these are MY opinions.

What is missing is actual accountability, because in none of Megatrons redemption arcs does he ever actually take accountability, at least not in a way, IMO, that does anything for the narrative or holds him accountable.

There’s a lot of things that could’ve been done different. while I don’t really agree with how things are going in ES in regards to his character, what I do like is that Megatron’s past actions are finally coming back to get him. And by that, I mean that all the Decepticons have practically turned their back on him, which I love. And it also shows the organization can and in some cases should exist without him. I think what I didn’t like about ES, is that his redemption fell flat because he didn’t really understand a lot of what he did wrong. Meaning that, yes he was very sympathetic about being a warlord, and causing war and stuff. we even saw how much he cared about the deceptions and how angry he’d get when he thought that Optimus was working with GHOST to subdue the cons.

However, Megatron’s care for the Decepticons in ES is very very conditional. Meaning that if any Con had an issue with I’m, or literally wasn’t worshipping his feet or seeing him as a leader, he was prone to violence. This was shown with the Seekers AND Soundwave especially Soundwave — whom his peaceful facade broke the minute Soundwave held him accountable.

So I can’t say I completely hate ES, because it shows the flaws in taking a war lord and trying to make him a family grandpa, when he hasn’t really, truly been held accountable. But that’s also the thing that kinda makes me not like his redemption arc in ES. He is free, with the Autobots, with the Maltos, while his people are not. AND YES, for whatever reason, Megatron betrayed them. Maybe Megaton thought he was doing the right thing, maybe he thought it was saving the Decepticons, regardless it was still a bad look imo.

I hope ES points that out, how hypocritical he is, how the Deceptions don’t really want him as a leader because of that. 

IDW/Lost Light...

I love the Lost light, and i have a soft spot for LL Megs, but I really don't think Megatron deserved a lot of the nuance and care he got, when other characters had to suffer and didn't really get that. LIKE soundwave and other cons/ex-cons also deserved that nuance and love he got.

I think what i really hated however is how Megatron's presence on the Lost Light overshined a lot of the other characters. There was this need to push an unneeded redemption to the point that other people's narratives were overlooked. Rodimus suffered MASSIVELY for this, and he became an addition to Megatron' s arc, wherein he still had so much more growing to do. Now his character is solely tied to megatron and to me at least, it's kinda annoying. He deserves to exist outside of megatron but because there was a need for redemption for Megatron, he doesn't get that.

The relationship between Magnus and Rodimus, which needed to be highlighted, was HEAVILY destroyed because the narrative wanted Megatron to be the main character. And Roddy's trauma with being a prime was essentially downplayed.

I think that Megatron probably should've fought Unicron with the others in the end. And similar to starscream and soundwave, i think death, certain death would've been a great redemption for him. I'm not saying he can't be on the lost light for a while but essentially he wasn't held accountable for anything he did. he got therapy, he got a family, and he also got to leave to go to the functions universe and live a life he wanted.

and yeah maybe he gets executed, but there is also another megatron who was created with another LL, who doesn't get that, and he gets to be free and happy, while trillions are still dead because of him.

I don't think he actually got a redemption arc in the LL simply because he wasn't held accountable for anything. He got a very compelling, sympathetic story that i guess worked...

but i never saw it as redemption because he never was truly truly held accountable for what he did.

that's just my opinion. all of this is just my opinion so you don't have to agree with my takes!

[khaopybara]

Ok I have written and rewritten this trying to get all my thoughts together about affair so l apologize if im all over the place.

I am glad that wan ran away and im actually having second thoughts about wanting them to be together. One part of me understands and accepts that pleng has been slower at realizing her own feeling for wan (it happens) while wan has been all in since they were kids. The other half of me wants to slap pleng and shout at her "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR, CANT YOU SEE HOW MUCH WAN LOVES YOU!?!?" THIS WOMAN MARRIED A GUY SHE DIDNT EVEN LOVE TO KEEP HER PROMISE TO PLENG AND HAD HOPED THAT PLENG WOULD SEE THEIR WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT!!! Admittedly a little extreme but I guess that's love!

During the entirety of pleng reading wans letter I was like "mhm yep" "so right" "exactly!" Wan said it all perfectly imo.

I feel like wan should only accept her back and forgive her if she agrees to go to both individual and couples therapy.

(also that tattoo shop was as busy as deane's 😆)

-🤫

In a similar manner, I've also written and rewritten this lol but I've been having so many feelings about WanPleng and Affair for the past couple of weeks, like seriously. And mind you, I will make no sense in this post. I'll sound like an hypocrite at times, but trust the process.

There was not even one character in Affair that didn't piss me off at some point.

Pleng pushes the protagonist privilege with me the most, and Wan has probably annoyed me the least.

But also, gotta give credit where credit is due (I suppose). The name of the show is Affair, so from the very beginning, I assumed they'd be problematic and not your usual GL sweet protagonists. I did expect it to be a more problematic-together thing, though, as in them actually being part of the affair (I could go on a full rant about Eek, but I'll stop myself), but instead, we got emotionally immature and stagnant former rich kid Pleng running away from every single one of her problems and coming up with solutions (that involve Wan) completely by herself without consulting anyone first. And it's not exactly an insecurity thing she developed for losing both of her parents + her wealth. She has done that since they were kids. It feels like an entitlement she has over Wan's life from day one.

On the other hand, we got overachiever Plengpleasing Wan who has tricked an already emotionally constipated and loveless Eek into dating and marrying her just bc Pleng told her to do it. She has always made her intentions so clear to Pleng, but I also wish she had used her words more, especially after they became adults.

They both need so much therapy and counselling, because if they stay together, it'll only be because they have this wrong notion that they are only able to love each other in this lifetime. And it's an insecure love, because in that letter, you can hear how much resentment she still has for Pleng leaving.

And mind you, I say this with love! They are extremely unhealthy to each other, and Wan's mom is kind of right when she says Pleng clouds Wan's perspective. They love each other unhealthily and at this point, they both deserve each other (and it's not like their options are good with a bunch of dudes who are all pain the asses. I'm not even kidding, not even one of them if a good fit. I didn't even remember who that Frank guy was and then remembered he's the one in the bike who I thought wanted Pleng first and then saw that Wan became a pretty teenager!!! And decided to switch his attentions to her instead.)

Anyway. I love them, and I hope they learn the magic of words and therapy and solve their issues. (Maybe they should get a therapist to every character, too.) Or maybe not. Stay unhealthy girls, but be unhealthy to others and not each other, alright?

[nhasablogg]

My goals for this blog in 2024

'Tis the season of overanalyzing everything about your life! So naturally I've been thinking a lot about the different spaces I occupy, such as this one, and decided I need to be a bit more intentional with how I spend my time online and offline. I'm trying not to overdo it though. Sometimes you also just have to exist.

Be transparent when I want attention. This makes it sound as if we're in a relationship LMAO, but honestly, a lot of the time I will pop in here with a random post, or a request for prompts, and it will be more a cry for attention than the actual need for prompts (although not always). Prompt + filling of prompt = validation and love and attention. But usually that won't be enough because I'm not always in the mood to write, or I'll write something short and not very good, and then I won't get the attention I was craving and I will get sad. Also not every fic will be a hit anyway. It's a fickle thing to base my emotions around. SO. Solution for this is to just tell you when I want attention, because that way I won't feel annoying and bad about myself afterward. Obviously this might not result in attention whatsoever, and also why is it your job to give it to me anyway, but that way I won't feel as desperate as much as I will at the very least feel authentic about my neediness. I am human. Sometimes I need things and have no idea who to turn to. I often turn to social media. It happens. I just want to be more honest about it next year. Maybe as a sort of therapy.

Kind of related. I want to be a bit more intentional with the fics I post. I've gotten better at leaving fics be if they're not working, rather than trying to finish every single project, but I want to let them take their time and not post fics just to post them if I'm not happy with them. That doesn't mean I can't post shorter, sillier fics I had fun working on even if they're not masterpieces. My enjoyment is just as important as the final product.

I'd also like to write more long, intricate fics, kind of like my Criminal Minds case fics. It's fun to challenge myself, as longer fanfic writing isn't my forte.

Figure out if I want prompts to mostly be open or not. I keep opening and closing them, mostly because I sometimes get in the opposite mood of wanting attention and get overwhelmed and don't want people to "demand" things from me (I know they're not demands, but you know how your brain sometimes gets). But I feel like the best prompts are the ones people will send really randomly because they suddenly got an idea. But maybe, if I stop making those "send me prompts!!!" type of posts I won't get overwhelmed by the amount of them. Does anyone have any input on this?

Stop thinking I need to do certain things to be a part of the community. I keep thinking that I should maybe interact with other people's fics more, or try to be a part of the community in ways I used to when I was younger, but the truth is that I'm not a fanfiction reader at this stage of my life, and rather than lamenting that I need to just accept it. Maybe that makes me a hypocrit, but I don't believe in forcing things like that. Maybe once I stop pressuring myself it will come naturally instead, but if not I need to just be okay with the fact that I'm mostly here for my own fics. Maybe that's selfish, but it's the truth. I have enough problems in my real life to create new ones for myself here.

Stop trying to restore the old blog. It's gone. I was the one to delete it, and with that a lot of followers who never returned, and everything I did on there. It's fun getting to give advice, but people don't turn to me for them like they did back in the day and that's okay. I'm not who I was back then. I don't have the same amount of time. Instead of trying to bring back traces of the old blog I just want to focus on what I want to do with this one, in the moment and in the future. This community has changed anyway. It's time I accept that. (this does not include my Throwback Project, which I will be doing as a way to honor the past rather than try to bring it back)

Do you have any goals? Did any of this make sense? Am I overanalyzing things TOO much? Let me know your thoughts if you have any!

[clocks-are-round]

In regards to your post w/ hcs about why they enlisted, maybe Donut enlisted since he's from Iowa and was enlisting since the army would pay for his college tuition? (Obviously dependent on your headcanon of Donut's home life but this would be assuming he grew up on a farm or something)

That’s a reasonable assumption for sure. I want to figure out a reason that alludes to what is known about him in canon, suits his personality, and ideally— is emotionally poignant in a way that adds layers to his characterization and explains why he stuck around and how he’s just as fucked up as the rest of the crew. So in short, it needs to be both likely and compelling.

Example with another character (because I love excuses to ramble about headcanons)

Simmons

- kissass to authority father figure (sarge)

- knows how to code and is viewed as smart (supposedly put in sim troopers due to being annoying and test anxiety rather than having low marks due to lacking knowledge)

- daddy issues (dad wanted him in women’s sports and seemingly didn’t take no for an answer, at least for some time)

- could be interpreted as a trans man and achillean from various lines

Why didn’t he pursue a degree and job in computer science/programming?

My headcanon: Simmons’ father is very traditional, a firm believer in the ideals he was raised with: homophobic, transphobic, and legacy is very important to him. Many women in his family were successful athletes, a few even Olympic level, and he expected this from his child. Though Simmons’ mom was… better at meeting his needs than his father, she was also hard on him and held him to high standards due to image being so important to her. This resulted in a irritable people pleaser with self-worth issues so desperate for validation from his neglectful father that he dropped everything he had worked for in life to risk his life in an attempt to prove himself because Simmons is nothing if not petty.

Reason for enlisting: desperate for validation

If this concept intrigues you, read my fic Dysfunctional on AO3

So following this method, Donut.

- grew up on a farm in iowa

- spent a lot of time repressing thoughts he had on the farm

- loves “feminine” things like decor and fashion, but was too insecure/guarded to really talk much about it towards the beginning (the “lightish red” bit, the seeming change in characterization through the first few seasons) until he warmed up to the team and lowered his guard

- was sent to conversion therapy at one point (came back to write this after writing everything down below but: i think he mentioned his dad here. but i might’ve come up with him to justify it when his mom is sapphic? seems a little weird if so because internalized homophobic mom putting her son through that before coming to terms with it and regretting it as she hypocritically starts dating a woman for the first time. they laugh about it but really both feel the tension that can’t be fully erased. please tell me i had a reason for putting homophobic dad man in the picture when the other option is more compelling PLEASE. ooh if not maybe HE’S the internalized homophobia all along oohhhh EDIT: yes his dad did “send him to a compound” so that part was a thing)

- two moms i misremembered this, it’s more OR less than one mom. the exact quantity of moms was not stated, only assumed by fanon (it’s from a psa but other things in this post are also from dubious canon sources. unless it directly contradicts canon proper in a way i cannot justify, i try to incorporate it)

My headcanon: Donut grew up on a farm with his mom and dad. He always felt like he had a pretty solid relationship with his dad as a kid. Many fond memories of playing catch, and his dad cheering him on at baseball games. As he got older his dad became more hostile about Donut’s other interests, suddenly dress up was a problem. His dad started becoming very vocal to him about what it meant to “be a man” and what needed to stop. Donut was also a theater kid, of course. When he was 15, his dad started sending him to “therapy.” His mom found out after two years of conversion therapy crumpled up the blabbermouth ray of sunshine into a more antsy and withdrawn teen. After about a month of heated parental arguments, his mom divorced his dad. It wasn’t long, months maybe, before she started dating a woman.

This Donut headcanon is rougher than the Simmons one. It hasn’t been considered as deeply and I haven’t cemented it into existence with fics. But there’s a key part that is missing:

Why did Donut enlist? What would be compelling while also cohesive with the character and backstory? As far as I remember he never mentioned college (correct me if I am wrong), or a previous career. Because of this and vibes, I headcanon him as enlisting right out of high school. I could put off the divorce until he’s already in space so that he enlisted to ‘toughen up’ for his dad, but that feels too similar to Simmons’ reason. He could enlist for college funds— but afaik he doesn’t go. Was it a lack of direction? Did he feel uncomfortable with a new person in his life replacing his dad, even if there were conflicting emotions there? Or maybe he wanted the money for a different reason. To help his family? Maybe his dad made a lot of the income before and the farm was falling into disrepair from lack of funds? That one feels close to my Caboose headcanon (wanted to apply to college to get an engineering degree to get a higher paying job than without a degree so he could make enough money for his mom and family to leave his abusive dad; then when the sign ups ended up being for the unsc he just rolled with it) but it’s different enough that I could potentially work with it. So for now, my best theory is feeling a little uncomfortable with the changed family dynamic, wants to help out his mom, and thinks the space marines sound cool (because of course he does). This doesn’t really resonate like the others did though, it doesn’t feel like it adds much depth or has that “that makes so much sense and explains so much!” vibe. I won’t feel confident about it until it feels right, and today just isn’t the day that I solidify my Donut backstory headcanon unfortunately. But that’s okay.

I don’t particularly want suggestions as a follow-up to this, but thought it would be fun to try to explain the subconscious process i go through when coming up with these.

I do appreciate the ask, as it gave me an opportunity to brainstorm as well as ramble for you guys haha

[rivertigo]

I'm the son of rage and love

The Jesus of Suburbia

The bible of none of the above

On a steady diet of

Soda pop and Ritalin

No one ever died for my sins in hell

As far as I can tell

'Least the ones I got away with

And there's nothing wrong with me

This is how I'm supposed to be

In a land of make believe

That don't believe in me

Get my television fix

Sitting on my crucifix

The living room, or my private womb

While the moms and Brads are away

To fall in love and fall in debt

To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary Jane

To keep me insane

Doing someone else's cocaine

And there's nothing wrong with me

This is how I'm supposed to be

In a land of make believe

That don't believe in me

At the center of the Earth, in the parking lot

Of the 7-11 where I was taught

The motto was just a lie

It says, "Home is where your heart is, " but what a shame

'Cause everyone's heart doesn't beat the same

It's beating out of time

City of the dead (hey! Hey!)

At the end of another lost highway (hey! Hey!)

Signs misleading to nowhere

City of the damned (hey! Hey!)

Lost children with dirty faces today (hey! Hey!)

No one really seems to care

I read the graffiti in the bathroom stall

Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall

And so it seemed to confess

It didn't say much, but it only confirmed that

The center of the earth is the end of the world

And I could really care less

City of the dead (hey! Hey!)

At the end of another lost highway (hey! Hey!)

Signs misleading to nowhere

City of the damned (hey! Hey!)

Lost children with dirty faces today (hey! Hey!)

No one really seems to care...

Hey!

I don't care if you don't

I don't care if you don't

I don't care if you don't care

I don't care if you don't

I don't care if you don't

I don't care if you don't care

I don't care if you don't

I don't care if you don't

I don't care if you don't care

I don't care if you don't

I don't care if you don't

I don't care if you don't care

I don't care!

Everyone's so full of shit

Born and raised by hypocrites

Hearts recycled, but never saved

From the cradles to the grave

We are the kids of war and peace

From Anaheim to the Middle East

We are the stories and disciples of

The Jesus of Suburbia

Land of make believe

And it don't believe in me

Land of make believe

And it don't believe

And I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!)

I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!)

I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!)

I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!)

I don't care!

Dearly beloved, are you listening?

I can't remember a word that you were saying...

Are we demented or am I disturbed?

The space that's in between insane and insecure

Ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Oh therapy, can you please fill the void? (Ooh, ooh)

Am I retarded, or am I just overjoyed? (Ooh, ooh, ooh)

Nobody's perfect, and I stand accused (ooh, ooh)

For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse (ooh, ooh, ooh)

Ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh

Ooh, ooh

To live and not to breathe

Is to die in tragedy

To run, to run away

To find what you believe

And I leave behind (ooh, ooh)

This hurricane of fucking lies (ooh, ooh)

I lost my faith to this

This town that don't exist

So I run, I run away

To the lights of masochists

And I leave behind (ooh, ooh)

This hurricane of fucking lies (ooh, ooh)

And I've walked this line (ooh, ooh)

A million and one fucking times (ooh, ooh)

But not this time!

I don't feel any shame, I won't apologize

When there ain't nowhere you can go

Running away from pain when you've been victimized

Tales from another broken... home!

You're leaving...

You're leaving...

You're leaving...

Ah, you're leaving home!

[inkedmyths]

S1: E22 "Devil's Trap"

Brought to you by hey so each and every one of you who made me watch this. You all suck. This is the worst. I hate it here. What sort of BULLSHIT was that—

This episode featuring: Odd interrogation techniques, family dynamics, bodysnatching, and one deeply upset Ink

Banging opening music

I will not fall doooown... when push comes to shove I will rise above... jammin

Here we fuckin go the boys are off to save or avenge their dad

[ Kayla asks if one of the opening montages has used Carry On My Wayward Son. I said no, because I would definitely remember that. ]

Where are we

What the dog doin

Holy water and whiskey. Mood.

Oh this be Bobby

[ Kayla and Crepe cheer. They love Bobby. ]

SCREAMS. JOHN JUST HAS THAT AFFECT ON PEOPLE (referring to when he threatened to shoot John) oh I like him already

Satanic Roach Hotel

Ohh. Bad year. Most years 4 possessions, but this one had at least 27...... well thats rough

UH OH

MEG

DEAN

Fuck off Meg

"Chuckleheads" GREAT word use Meg

GOTTEM

Okaaaay interrogation time

"Where's our father, Meg"

"You didn’t ask very nice"

"Where's our father, bitch"

Goddammit whys he so funny

Oh shes posessed

I dunno about innocent

Oh good news bc it means they can yeet the demon, yea?

"Hit it Sam" (begins praying)

[ Winchesters latest hit single in Christian Rap sweeps midwestern protestant congregations as a big hit! ]

Dean buddyyyy

Uh getting spookyyyyy

This is wild. Interrogation via exorcism

What the fuck are u gonna do here like what do u do

Shes dead but not but whats up

UHHHH WELL THATS FUCKING. SOMETHING

Hello ma'am

That sucks ass. Being exorcised certainly doesn't seem fun, esp when you got dropped from a building

A year............ bro.......

Poor gal...

As I went down to the river....

Oh she gone.............

:(

:((

STOP ZOOMING IN ON HER DEAD FACE

"You guys think you invented lying to the cops?" lmao thanks bobby

"I won't even try to shoot him this time"

[ Crepe asks Kayla if Meg is the woman Bobby has buried in his garden or if that's someone else. Concerning. ]

SCREAMS hes making the car safe and Dean is like MY CAR

Dean just wants his family to stop being self sacrificing. Hypocrite

Sunrise Apartments!

Building full of human shields... thats a problem

Pull the fire alarm lol

Oh those people are SO posessed

Yep there he is, tied u— hm. I don't. Like that actually

"I've got a Yorkie upstairs, and he pees when he's nervous—" Dean for funniest liar

THEY STOLE THE FIREFIGHTERS FITS

Demon? Demön?

Holy water!!

Hes still breathing hes not dead yet

But he might be posessed

Oh just had to check

Uh oh someone else just got posessed

And another....

Aha... the colt

[ Kayla: Uhhh I'm here for the colt stuff - the Winchesters]

2 bullets left!

Alright. Now what

Fambily

Dean can and will kill for his family huh

Uh oh zappy lights

The demon's here!

Uh oh

Something is wrong

OH

OH SHIT

Sam going AAA

AUGH WHATS HAPPENING

I DONT KNOW

WHAT IS THISSSSS

Bullshit bullshit

Me: DEAN WAS RIGHT

Kayla: and why was he right :)

Me: Bc he would have been pissed :(

Kayla: and never proud :)

Kayla: (therapy voice) and how did that make you feel

Me: I hate it here

Kayla: elaborate on that

Me: I haaaate it here

Kayla: mhm mhm (writing stuff down)

"What are you and God going to do?" dammmn

Justice for WHAT

Oh so a demon cares about its family

Good for him but also you were already trying to kill them before??

Yeah? Why?

What's your angle here

Huhhhhh. What the fuck do you want with Sam

"I really can't stand all your monologuing"

Oooough hitting him where it hurts damn

OOOH DAMN DEAN THROWING SHADE BACK

How are u guys goimg to get out of this

Oh shit oh SHIT

AAAAAAAAA

OH THE LEG!! SMART!!!!!!

Oh fuck man

Bro it fucking leaving

Well this is an Awkward Family Ride

Kayla: awkward family ride abt to

TRUCK

What the fuck what the fuck

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

BRO WHAT

THATS IT FOR SEASON 1??

BULLSHIT

---

My so-called friends then proceeded to point, laugh, and heckle me for the next 10 minutes. This is bullshit I hope you know. Stupid goddamn cliffhangers stupid Winchesters and their STUPID FAMILY NONSENSE—

[sincelastsession]

My dad is an abusive bastard and a hypocrite and a piece of shit father. I am sick of the abuse.

I am having the worst ptsd episode and I'm considering going to the hospital if a cold shower doesn't knock me out of it.

Fuck this shit Joshua. He FUCKING MANIPULATED YOU

I told you he would

And like now he's got you how he got Robin to think of me is my fear. And goddamn she was awful.

I'm in the worst PTSD flare up of my life and I am continuously abused and I do not know how long the thread I am hanging by is going to last because I have been Through too much to be treated like garbage at my age

I don't think anyone understands that I'm a really nice kind person and I used to have a side of me that was not

And I don't think people understand that if they keep pushing me and I lose touch with reality and have to go to a grippy sock vacation and I get out of the grippy salt vacation I'm not going to be fucking nice to anybody anymore I am so fucking tired of this shit

All I have ever asked is for my parents to educate themselves about their daughter's health conditions just like most families do they will at least read a little bit about it so they can understand or they will clarify and talk to people in a healthy manner

But no it doesn't matter what I do or say I still get treated like shit on someone's shoe

I need to move I was told that it was not happening anytime soon even though before that I was told that it would be happening next month

I told them I cannot last very much longer in this environment and it fell on deaf ears

I would not do well in a grippy sock vacation home I don't do well in those medication changes are not needed and I do not get the rest I need and it makes everything worse

I am scared that I am going to lose touch and control over myself if I have to continue to be subjected to stressful and abusive stimuli

Do you know what happens when you beat a dog enough

They are eventually going to die or bite you back

Perceive an experiment they did where they would shock dogs they would have open cages and the dogs could leave the cages at any time but the dogs didn't know when they would get shocked so they would just howl and cry and their cage is not knowing if they could leave or not without getting shocked

There's a good metaphor for you

I am mad

I do not think that you know enough about me and these fucking people gonna abuse me constantly

I'm not a controlling person I'm not a bad person I'm not like this when I'm doing well

But if people push at me and push it me and push it me I'm going to break

And I don't know what that's going to look like and that scare the absolute fuck out of everybody else as well

My psychiatrist is terrified for me

I am scared for me

Psychiatric facility is disgoing to make everything worse there's no place I can go to get rest and relaxation from everything I can't even afford a hotel room for the evening

I want my supposed to pay for a gym membership and also pay for a phone bill and be financially stable by fucking September

I need a safety net of money in order to get the fuck away from my parents

I don't know how to do under the table stuff and I don't know who to speak to and who's an expert on it and I do not feel comfortable breaking rules

I really really don't like to lie and I really really really don't like to break rules

Maybe when I was a teenager it would have been easier but no I have always gotten in trouble since I was tiny for doing anything that my parents didn't like even if it was a normal thing that kids do

I don't think you understand the amount of micro management abuse control that has happened to me and continues to happen to me at 37 years old I was thrown in fucking therapy at 12 because of their bullshit and them saying oh we don't know why our precious little daughter suddenly is a bitch here go to therapy that will magically fix you and I have been in therapy since and I could probably become a therapist but that's not going to fix the problem

I know what's in my circle of control and that's not very much right now

I can't even control parts of my own self in my circle of control

And my dad had this big giant freakish tantrum that sounded completely paranoid telling me that I was trying to control him when I just asked him to stop talking for a second please because he kept interrupting me and then telling me that I was interrupting him when I was speaking first and it was not his turn to speak and he kept saying I was cutting him off when he was the one cutting me off he's projecting

I'm not doing half of what he says I'm doing

He has literally taken a Doctor when I was in the ER for serious fucking pain because I have degenerative disease and one of my fucking disk got messed up

He took the Doctor out in the hall and told them that I was manipulative and all this other shit that's not true They told them that I was too smart and I would try to control everything and I wasn't planning on that I wasn't caring about that I was in too much pain to give a fuck but I was very very mad that he just went within earshot of me and talked to a medical professional behind my back and told them things that were not true

Because he has to be in control he doesn't believe that I have any of the mental issues that I have that are diagnosed on paper by very very accredited doctors.

I didn't diagnose myself they did

I am so sick of being treated like I'm the worst adult daughter that's disabled on earth

I'm so tired of the resentful abusive treatment

I am so tired of being only treated nice when people are gonna get something out of me

I have a very tiny tiny support system that doesn't even work all the time because people aren't available all the time and I'm aware of that

And I'm aware that my parents are having money struggles but most of that is bullshit and you need to know that because they made bad choices and that affected me and yes I'm an adult but they didn't teach me things and I don't know what I'm supposed to learn and I miss cues and I don't understand a lot of things that seem really easy to other people and they're hard for me and I've tried it's not like I can't it's not like I haven't tried I've been treated like shit

I don't understand why I'm a target for people to treat like shit

Do I just need to start acting like a psycho bitch all the time to everybody to get some God damn respect

Because I don't want to be like that

You know everybody's complaining to me about my sister and I had spoken to my sister days before she attacked me and told her that I would happily sit down with her and help her find all the doctors she needed to find on her insurance and I would help call and make appointments and even take her to the Doctor appointment

I was willing to go that far out of my way for somebody who doesn't really even answer my phone calls or give a fuck about me

I was willing to go out of my way because my parents are incapable of being parents

I basically raised her as best I could when my parents weren't teaching her how to treat me like shit and teaching her bad habits that are affecting her now

You know why we're so much alike we're so much alike because my parents didn't really change their parenting style and she's healthy and she can work but she's pretending to be disabled now because she thinks I'm pretending

And there's just so much bullshit and I'm so tired of it I am so fucking tired of it Joshua

I understand that you don't have a magic wand and you can't fix all of this but I'm just telling you the truth of what is going on

I can be defensive and interrupting and all of that and some of it I can help and some of it I can't and I don't know if it's a neurological condition or if it's literally because I haven't been able to be calm in I don't even know how long

And I live in Louisiana which has the worst mental health care in the fucking United States it seems like maybe I'm wrong but it feels that way

And I don't feel like anybody believes me and I don't feel loved and I don't feel cared about And I don't even feel like a person to have at the time and I don't understand what's so hard about people just learning about me why is it so hard for my family to just calm down and shut the fuck up and listen and and learn

We could be having wonderful conversations together and spending time together if they would just stop treating me so badly

And they always act like they're so innocent and perfect and then I'm the one that gets the fussing

I have always been the fucking whipping boy for everybody

And I'm sick of it

I feel like the goddamn velveteen rabbit

I was loved and then they threw me the fuck away and there's no fairy coming to turn me into a real person instead of a destroyed shell of a person

I have worked my ass off for years only to be shoved backwards over and over and I'm still under their thumbs

Do you know what my father said to me

He told me that I should just pretand and seduced Travis and I was like no he's like a brother. And my dad was like oh you'll get over that why don't you just marry him and then you know when you have sex you can just keep your eyes closed he said something like that to me and it was the most fucked up thing I have ever heard of father tell their daughter other than all the other fucked up things he said to me

I am going to download a phone call recording app on to my phone at some point so you can hear what it's really like

Because the recordings I sent you are absolutely just the lightest version of what I have to deal with

And you said it was safe for me to talk to him again

It is not he was just on his very best behavior he was just fucking manipulating you and I warned you about that I did unless you know about it and plan to talk to me about all of that I don't know

But right now I am in distress I'm having a meltdown and APTSD episode I'm having flashbacks I can't get it to stop I'm going to have to take an extra medicine I'm going to have to go smoke my brains out I'm going to have to go take a bath or throw myself into the shower I'm going to have to go get some ice and put it on my neck and I shouldn't have to be doing any of this

None of these bad things ever should have happened to me

And my dad said that I was punishing him on the phone he said I was punishing him because I was trying to talk to him

That's so hurtful

I just wonder how many more ti'm it's gonna take until I just go completely dead inside and the psycho bitch comes out to play and teach everyone that they should have treated Kim better because she's innocent and harmless and kind and they are KILLING HER THEY ARE MAKING THIS ALL HAPPEN and no one believes her. She can't trust anyone. She can't get anyone to open thier eyes a see. She hates that this is how she is and she's breaking into pieces and I shouldn't even be here and there's no medicine that's going to fix her better

And I don't feel loved.

I don't hate myself or really think of myself in the classic "you need to love yourself"

How can I love myself when I don't know who that is.

How can I even trust anyone when all I've known is hurt

Fuck this earth

Fuck it all to hell

I don't understand this world

I don't understand the social norm rules and the cues that I'm supposed to get

There's no manual for people like me

And then half of the rules don't even make sense

And people don't even understand what doctors and medical studies are telling them about their loved ones that suffer just like me because they don't care enough to go and learn

And they always make themselves the victim after they have created me into a monster it's very much like Frankenstein I'm the monster and they are Doctor Frankenstein

And the thing is it all seems to boil down to money and that was never my fault

I have watched my parents fuck up their lives since I was a child and I tried to tell them what they were doing was wrong but I was a child and nobody would listen to me and I was to be quiet and seen and not heard or I was to be putting on a show or whatever they wanted me to do

I can't even make art to sell under the table or anything else because I feel horribly wrong and guilty for trying to do that Also I'm entirely too stressed out to offer any of the services or things that I am good at

Also I don't really enjoy any of it anymore because it's just been beaten into my head that that's supposed to be what I'm supposed to do I never got to choose what I wanted to be or do it was always pushed on to me

I have had what feels like 0 autonomy I just have times where nobody's controlling me and I can kind of do what I want

But I'm always terrified that I'm going to get into trouble

Even though I never did anything so heinous and bad that would've gotten me into the kind of trouble that I would get into even if I didn't do the dishes

Do you know what it's like to be called a worthless stupid bitch that's not going to go anywhere in life and all the other curses and things you could possibly come up with in your head from the age of like ability to understand till now still

And to be attacked by your sister who is 22 and an fucking adult and then your father who actually gave you damage to your neck and if he had pulled your hair harder he would have killed you or paralyzed you I have it in medical records

I could send him to jail I could send her to jail but no one's going to believe me because they will manipulate and lie

Because I already got threatened that he would call the cops and throw everything out of the house that is mine so I would have to pick it up off the ground every single day driving across town to make sure that the garbage truck doesn't take my belongings away that I can't bring into this apartment because they smell of pure cat piss because my parents just hoarded animals and then neglected to clean up after them and expected me and my sister to do all the work and now my sister is taking over the house and making it into her house when it is not her place to do and she is stealing things from my mother and from me and my dad is saying that this is all OK and there was no way for me to come and get all of my things and bring them all upstairs to my upstairs apartment without it smelling like pure catPiss ammonia because there's no way to air all of it out in the type of apartment I live in and I don't want to have to not get my deposit fee back when I move.

And then like hud housing and housing authority and section 8 I've tried to talk to all of them and the areas of town that they have places that would possibly be available for a voucher etc are not safe and are not what I need

And I'm not trying to be a brat about it

And I wish people would understand that the way I think is not anything like anybody else

And when I say that I don't think in a normal everyday typical person's way

I don't have this evil part of my brain that sits around and thanks about what awful thing will I do next

It doesn't really cross my mind until I am amped up and freaking out because I've had too much stimuli or I'm triggered and I'm having a fucking episode

I was diagnosed by a Doctor who worked for the VA the big VA clinic up North With complex PTSD and the coroner is the one helped me with that

And I haven't had this diagnosis very long and I have always wondered what the fuck was wrong with me because I've been on medication for fucking everything and it probably fucked my brain up

And all I want to do is get better make money go to school Make more money be financially stable and have a partner and live my life in fucking peace

I just want to be like my friends

And I see the looks on their faces when they're talking to me that they can't hide and I can read exactly what's going on with them

I know what they all think of me

I have overheard conversations

I have overheard my own family talking shit about me and my sister and my sister's friends and pretty much everybody

Nobody likes me and that's fine I've come to terms with that it hurts like a motherfucker but I know that nobody really likes me

Nobody tries to get to know me

Nobody asks me questions about myself

If somebody was given a piece of paper and ask to write about Kim how accurate do you think they would be how much shit do you think that they would just make up on the fly and hope was correct

Why is it that I know everybody's dirty little secrets and everything about everybody I do the most and nobody could give a fuck about me

How is it that's okay

How do social systems work in my age group because I'm not understanding

Am I supposed to find a cool outfit to wear and stand around and act like some sort of goddamn hipster that is very self-important

And I'm excluding Travis from this because that's a whole different story becauseHe hasn't been around me but for a short time And I'm just waiting for the other shooter drop with him as my friend so far it has not but Travis has also been through hell he's had great parents who do give a fuck about him and show him love and affection and he has a brother who is autistic so his parents are very understanding his family is very nice and kind and wonderful and holy shit I wish I could have feelings for him in a romantic sense and run away into the sunset but that's not gonna happen because gross that's like my brother

And then my partner is dealing with all sorts of stuff and is very busy and wishes for me to find another primary partner here and understands that I'm not doing well and that's not happening any time soon but I'm miserable and I would like to find a friend with benefits or another primary partner here or even just a girl to have little biromantic dates with because I am lonely

And then I do make friends and then I'm scared because I don't know how to talk to them I don't know what I'm supposed to do

I was bullied my entire life I was bullied from elementary school till high school and passed that

It's like I'm literally so stressed out that I'm having my heart problems resurface and that's scary and I have an emergency PCP appointment so I can switch to this new heart Doctor so I can get the heart problem that is very distressing checked out

Also I have so much grief about so many people dying and so many horrible things happening to me I don't know what to do with it

I have tried to grieve I've tried to throw it away but I can't because it's all trauma related and it's all stuck in my head and I wish I could pluck it out

And I am so angry I am angry I am so fucking angry

But I think that I'm angry for valid reasons

I feel like people only see one side of me which is an intelligent person who can speak a lot and that must mean that she can do everything else because she can do that and a couple other things but that's not how I work

[dudewayspecialfarewell]

'm the son of rage and love The Jesus of Suburbia The bible of none of the above On a steady diet of Soda pop and Ritalin No one ever died for my sins in hell As far as I can tell 'Least the ones I got away with And there's nothing wrong with me This is how I'm supposed to be In a land of make believe That don't believe in me Get my television fix Sitting on my crucifix The living room, or my private womb While the moms and Brads are away To fall in love and fall in debt To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary Jane To keep me insane Doing someone else's cocaine And there's nothing wrong with me This is how I'm supposed to be In a land of make believe That don't believe in me At the center of the Earth, in the parking lot Of the 7-11 where I was taught The motto was just a lie It says, "Home is where your heart is, " but what a shame 'Cause everyone's heart doesn't beat the same It's beating out of time City of the dead (hey! Hey!) At the end of another lost highway (hey! Hey!) Signs misleading to nowhere City of the damned (hey! Hey!) Lost children with dirty faces today (hey! Hey!) No one really seems to care I read the graffiti in the bathroom stall Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall And so it seemed to confess It didn't say much, but it only confirmed that The center of the earth is the end of the world And I could really care less City of the dead (hey! Hey!) At the end of another lost highway (hey! Hey!) Signs misleading to nowhere City of the damned (hey! Hey!) Lost children with dirty faces today (hey! Hey!) No one really seems to care... Hey! I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't care I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't care I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't care I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't care I don't care! Everyone's so full of shit Born and raised by hypocrites Hearts recycled, but never saved From the cradles to the grave We are the kids of war and peace From Anaheim to the Middle East We are the stories and disciples of The Jesus of Suburbia Land of make believe And it don't believe in me Land of make believe And it don't believe And I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!) I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!) I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!) I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!) I don't care! Dearly beloved, are you listening? I can't remember a word that you were saying... Are we demented or am I disturbed? The space that's in between insane and insecure Ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Oh therapy, can you please fill the void? (Ooh, ooh) Am I retarded, or am I just overjoyed? (Ooh, ooh, ooh) Nobody's perfect, and I stand accused (ooh, ooh) For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse (ooh, ooh, ooh) Ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh Ooh, ooh To live and not to breathe Is to die in tragedy To run, to run away To find what you believe And I leave behind (ooh, ooh) This hurricane of fucking lies (ooh, ooh) I lost my faith to this This town that don't exist So I run, I run away To the lights of masochists And I leave behind (ooh, ooh) This hurricane of fucking lies (ooh, ooh) And I've walked this line (ooh, ooh) A million and one fucking times (ooh, ooh) But not this time! I don't feel any shame, I won't apologize When there ain't nowhere you can go Running away from pain when you've been victimized Tales from another broken... home! You're leaving... You're leaving... You're leaving... Ah, you're leaving home!

[snow-and-saltea]

hummm. im just shooting into the dark with no expectation that anyone will actually answer me, but this is something ive been sitting on a bit.

usually when i experience something disturbing or traumatising or smth puts me in extreme grief, i don't talk to anyone about it. that's usually the default until me-on-therapy reminds me that, actually, you need to talk to people about these things, you need to let people know what you look like and how you feel.

but im confused. do i reach out to people as im experiencing them? bc on one hand i think that's bad bc im just putting this weight on them, knowingly, because i cant handle it myself. but on the other hand, when im left alone long enough, i can figure out the "answers" or reaffirm myself somewhat. or at least enough to keep myself manageable.

but like as i start to think about all the times i kept to myself to find the answers for myself... i realised that it wasn't smth i did naturally, it was just something i had to do to get by. a lot of my issues started with not being able to talk to someone about things and because i am and feel so alone in experiencing grief and sadness and anger, that in itself becomes a sort of "trigger" as well.

im just confused i guess. this might be a chicken or the egg first situation. im not sure if i was just predisposed to solve my own problems (and that in itself caused other accidental problems) or i was just forced to solve my own problems, and bc of doing it more, was able to get better at it even though it wasn't my natural inclination. but the answer is prolly somewhere in the middle; i am someone predisposed to try to figure things out on my own in my head both because it was convenient for me (didnt have to confront the fear of asking for help) and because it came naturally (not good at asking for help so i got better at it on my own).

i know that i'm very much an introvert though, which i feel confident in saying. even in positive or neutral times, i liked engaging with the outside world (Doing Stuff, talking w people etc), but i had no problem just absorbing things by reading or watching stuff and staying in my head about them. i'm trying to break out of my shell more about sharing myself w others to be friendly and create Good Vibes / encourage honesty and transparency w others (bc its important to me). but other than that, i don't have much of a desire for attention as a person, and i really like privacy as much as i'm allowed to have.

i do let my walls(?) down consciously when the situation necessitates, but it doesn't come easily or naturally for me to talk about myself, just because i like to flow along w the conversation getting to know others instead (but i realise that's hypocritical of me to only take in information and not give them out, so i try to make conscious effort towards that end). i've also been realising and discovering the small joys and fears that comes when someone sees you, in any shape or form, and how... energetic it makes me. the thought that someone thinks of me even when i am not there makes me tear up. the thought that i have people i might never meet wish me well makes me tear up, too. the thought that i could hurt and be hurt by these people makes me scared. but its all one and the same, so i try to welcome it all equally. only welcoming good times while chasing off bad ones makes for fair weather friends, which is definitely not what i want to be.

hummmm. im not sure where this thought leads me for now, but ill end this here and come back to it if ever. thank you to anyone who decides to read my rambling

[vizthedatum]

sigh, emotional vulnerability about someone who I really wanted to continue dating

I should go back in time to early 2018 and not have been such a rejection-sensitive dick... but maybe we weren't ready back then?

I tried to be as authentic as possible

but I'm severely traumatized and neurodivergent.

Let me tell you what happened, even though my poor behavior does not excuse how it hurt you. Yes, I'm entitled to my feelings and reactions and all that, but it also means that it can push people away. People don't have to put up with the harm/abuse of my actions.

--

I really liked you. My PhD program was driving me up the wall. I was struggling to do analyses, get my paper published, study for my preliminary exam, TA, study for my comprehensive exam, and keep up to date with my skills. I was on high alert for anything that would hurt me - I felt like I gave too much to people who would manipulate me. It was such a trend. I wanted to break it so bad, but I was also just trying so hard to push "healing" onto myself. I was in therapy but still figuring out my meds and hormones and gender and queerness and my fucking PhD ugh. And my family. And just a million responsibilities.

Oh my god - our chemistry was so amazing. So many things could be said about that.

You were really sweet. I like that you talked to me that way - you liked me :) it felt really good to talk with you. I wanted to explore places with you and know what you think.

I was so insecure. SO INSECURE. It was wild to me that you would even like me. Do you know how cool you are? I love how fucking poetic you are. And I barely knew you - I think you'd blow my mind even if you just narrated to me what you were thinking. And honestly, your eye and mind for art... are simply spectacular. I was looking forward to getting to know you a lot better. I looked at all your photos/work - at least the ones you posted online. You're so talented. I don't care if that's cliche to say.

Shortly after I saw you last, I had a previously scheduled first date with this guy who was also very nice (but we didn't click romantically) but I got triggered by the nuanced and complicated consent situation that was going on with Aziz Ansari.

There were so many memories that I didn't want to deal with. I wasn't ready.

And I think you had bailed on two dates - and I knew in the back of my mind that you probably weren't flaking on me or rejecting me. Echoes of you being upset about "people with BPD" and whatever - I remembered. And like, I know what it's like to have mental health shit, depression, chronic health issues, etc. Ugh, I'm so hypocritical.

I don't have BPD but I felt so rejected, and it was unreasonable. I should have walked away and taken some time and then reconnected instead of lashing out and ending something that I really wanted.

I'm sorry. It wasn't fair.

--

And then I fell headfirst into the chaos of my PhD and SEVERAL more toxic relationships ending with my last two partnerships - both of which were not good for me emotionally. (*mumbles* I mean I basically blew up my whole life by leaving those two, and now I'm so much better, but fuck.)

--

And then you matched with me last spring?! And I apologized, and I didn't expect a response. And you didn't respond.

--

Anyway, I want you to kiss me again and take me out to dinner and then read to me until we fall asleep. And go all in on me. My standards and expectations are very high now, and they will remain that way.

And maybe if we have disagreements, we can come up with good ways to repair/heal whatever we have going on and also take space for ourselves, our passions, our friends, etc.

And other stuff. And you can marry me and I'll have your children if it's a stable and happy relationship where we still retain our autonomy and drive and sanity. I will leave if it's abusive. You should too.

An enby can dream, right?!

[thekimspoblog]

I don't hate Howard. I just think in terms of self-improvement, his character arc paints him as a lost cause. Fans point to him going to therapy as proof that he was on the verge of a breakthrough. But like... were you actually listening to what he said in therapy? His whole dream was about how in his gut, he knows how oblivious he is and that he doesn't understand what anyone else wants from him. Maybe if he had survived the encounter at Kim's apartment, his therapist could have helped him reach the epiphany that he's underestimated Kim from Day 1, and that the real reason she did this to him, was because she was insulted by the way he assumed Jimmy was the criminal mastermind behind the sabotage. Maybe he could have realized that it was time to let HHM go and try to be his own man without living in the shadow of his dad and Chuck. But I hold strong to my conviction that if Kim hadn't done what she had done, Howard could have gone to therapy for years and it wouldn't have pulled his head a single centimeter further out of his ass. He thinks Kim did it out of revenge for putting her in doc review, but that just proves that even in his final moments, he still couldn't see her. Because regardless of what the script says, I know the truth: She wanted to teach him a lesson in humility, that the world doesn't revolve around him, that life is one big sh*t-sandwich and it was his turn to take a bite. It was an act of tough-love for a colleague who was already in the process of sabotaging his own life, because his priorities were severely out-of-whack.

Characters in Breaking Bad exist on a spectrum, ranging from "Pure evil: we're supposed to cheer when they die" to "Innocent child: scream in horror when they get shot". And to me, what's interesting about Howard is that he exists RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. What I didn't like about his death was that the show played us sad music, trying to tell us how we're supposed to feel, instead of just letting the pros and cons of this death speak for itself. Howard was at best no more of a scumbag lawyer than Jimmy was, and therefore at the very least a hypocrite. But the point is that Howard wasn't innocent. He had no way to know the full scope of the impact his choices would have, but he still made his choices, he made the wrong choices, and all those wrong choices lead him to that apartment that night, trying to demand answers when the fact is he wasn't owed any. McWexler are just the Joker, baby; they pick their targets at random because it's fun and you made yourself an easy mark because it's easy to get a rise out of you. You were a bully it was ok to bully back. You are trying to make sense of the motives of two people who believe in chaos for chaos's sake, and that sort of naivety is what will cost you your life.

Howard was just a normal guy. But under capitalism, even just being a normal guy comes with an inherent level of violence. So whether or not "kill them all and let God sort it out" was supposed to be the lesson I took away from BCS, that's absolutely what I got out of it.

"i don't feel bad about howard's death because he put kim in doc review" y'all i don't feel bad about howard's death because of the way he forced chuck out of hhm