#i just got out of therapy i feel like a hypocrite but at least my therapist acknowledges therapy doesn't fix systemic problems

[basedtater]

there's something so therapeutic about screaming "one two three and hold it, three two one and let it go" at the top of my lungs as someone who's hyper critical of psychiatry like i don't know why that hits so hard esp along side of the line "state sanctioned anxiety app" like yes GET THEM

[universesweetheart]

Bad Dream (Dazai x Reader)

Art credits to haru9033 on Twitter (X or whatever the new name is)

Look at my cinnamon bun, my sweet baby. He's safe in my bed y'all! This is 100% self-indulgent because my therapy is until the 18th so I needed a distraction after reading chapter 109.

In which we have a nightmare (chapter 109 is the fucking nightmare) and Dazai comforts us to the best of his abilities. He's trying ok!

Should I write comfort for Sigma? When I get my hands on that rat!

Bye now - Mars ♡

Your eyes shot open, big and filled to the brim with tears. You felt your heart beating out of your chest, the muscle pumping larger amounts of blood under the silly impression that you’re dying. You were dying. It felt so, at least.

This unbearable tight feeling in your chest, like someone had your heart in their hands and was continuously wringing. Tighter and tighter. Your throat, stiff and dry, made your body feel worse. You could barely get a word out.

Dreams have a funny way of feeling too real and your silly little brain confuses reality with them. But it felt so real.

An overwhelmingly dreadful feeling engulfs your chest.

Breathe. Breathe.

The man beside you sleeping peacefully, or so it looked. Your legs intertwined with each other, and his head rested up against your breast without fully being on top of you. You try to calm yourself down, not wanting to wake your lover. It’s rare he gets any sleep. His own mind a steady home for ugly thoughts.

Gently you push him away from your body and get up, making your way to the kitchen. You poured yourself a glass of cold water and chug it down.

“Bella…” Dazai calls from the doorway, his face filled with sleep and his hair messy yet he still managed to look beautiful. He’s always beautiful.

“Oh… Osamu” you said weakly with a smile. “Just got a bit thirsty” you lie. You’ve figured out a while ago that it’s impossible to lie to him. The man was simply too smart.

Dazai smiled and approached you, his hands finding homage on your waist. “Bad dream?” he asked and leaned down holding you close. He rubbed his cheek against yours.

You nod, “I can’t hide anything from you huh?” his grip on your waist tightens ever so slightly. “No.”

He hums and leads you back to your bedroom. “Come, sit” he sits down on the bed leaning against the headboard and pulls you down onto his lap, “Tell me about it” His voice low and gentle. He radiates a certain comfort, or maybe it was because you’ve grown to love him so dearly that you naturally seek comfort from him.

Dazai places a kiss on your forehead, his hand rubbing your back trying to soothe you.

“Osamu…I…” You take a deep breath, “you… you died” your voice breaks and the tears roll down your cheeks. He brings his other hand up to your cheek, wiping away your tears. “I know it’s just a dream, but it felt too real and-and” you bury your face into the crook of his neck. His scent working as a grounding method, you breathe him in deeply. He smells like home.

Your home.

“I just don’t want to lose you” the tears kept flowing and your voice trembles as you speak.

“Bella I’m here” Dazai pulls you closer to his body as if to prove his point. “Right here my love” he leans down and kisses you. The kiss is slow, long, sloppy and each passing second, he presses himself closer into you. “I’m not going anywhere” he whispers against your lips.

He knows he’s contradicting himself. He knows. He knows he sounds like a hypocrite because he’s always mentioning suicide and asking you to die alongside him but right now. Right now, seeing you like this, crying and trembling he feels his heart breaks to pieces. And crying because of a stupid dream of him dying makes it even worse.

He knows it’s selfish but how he’s happy. Because he feels so loved right now. You’re crying over him, even if it’s just his dream self, you’re still crying for him. His heart does a little flutter. Still his main priority is comforting you, he’s no stranger to nightmares and you’re always there to comfort him when he’s bothered by his own ugly thoughts and dreams.

But Dazai felt so helpless, and he uttered out the most cliché words, but he couldn’t help it. Not when his love is trembling in fear right in his arms. 

“Samu you” you exhales, trying to find your composure but every time you think you’ve stopped crying the minute you look into his eyes the tears start coming again. It was horrible, the image of your nightmare just replaying in your head.

Wrapping your hands around him you hug him tightly, you’re afraid he may not be able to breathe so you release it a bit. “Don’t fucking die” you threaten and Dazai can’t help but smile. This woman.

“Bella sshh” he seeks out your lips, kissing you again. “M’here, right here, yeah?” he pulls back and hold your face with both hands and rests his forehead against yours.

You’ve calmed down a bit, forehead resting against his. “Osamu, just” you found it hard to speak. Your body slightly trembling, seeking your lover’s touch.  “Don’t move, just hold me…please”

He wraps his arms tighter around your form, you snuggle into him and close your eyes.

Dazai found himself humming softly and patting your back in a comforting manner. He kept doing so until he felt your light snore and the slower heartbeat. The steady thump thump thump comforting him.

“I love you very much and I won’t leave” he whispered and placed a kiss on the crown of your head.

.

That night Dazai Osamu stayed awake and kept his lover tightly secured in his arms, looking over and comforting them.

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

possibly scenes between masquerade canon aka who left the two hotel grumps together who did that. don't do that. what if they start bonding and shit

Vaggie: “Okay… Angel’s off to work, and Charlie’s off to work on that… looks like it’s just us assholes here.”

Husk: “Do not lump me in with you motherfuckers.”

Vaggie: "You're literally worse than them."

Husk: "Bullshit." (swig) "And there's no them without including YOUR sorry ass too."

Vaggie: (glares) "Har. Har."

Sir Pentious: “Can WE, er, ah- sssswitch off the porn now..?”

Niffty: “No~” (kicking heels) “Let’s rewind to part where the bad boy actually EATS Angel’s ass.”

Vaggie: “Niffty- ugh, can you just, take it back to your own room?”

Niffty: “The hotel air vents don’t have a TV!”

Vaggie: “You live in the- okay. Pentious. I won’t kill you for watching me and Charlie sleep IF you rig Niffty up with her own TV somewhere that’s not the lobby.”

Sir Pentious: “Do I HAVE to ssspend time with the pessst-”

Vaggie: (punches fist into palm) "Now."

Sir Pentious: “-AH yes!!  PORN ISSS A RIGHT NONE SHOULD BE DENIED!” (scoops up nifty) “Come sssmall pessst, let uss inssstall a sssscrene for your PRIVATE viewing pleasssure!”

Niffty: (giggling) “Do you even know what privacy means-?”

Sir Pentious: “AAAHAHA OF COURSE I DO!!!” (hurriedly slithers away)   

Husk: “… and these are the fuckers you and your little miss princess are trying to rehabilitate.”

Vaggie: “That’s the plan yeah.”

Husk: “Ha! Good fucking luck.”   

Vaggie: (sigh) “Husk?”

Husk: “What?”

Vaggie: “You’re fired.”

Husk: (spits drink) “FffUCK-” (cough) “-you I’m WHAT!?”

Vaggie: “Can’t keep to the code of not talking about shit you know you weren’t supposed to hear? Fine. No more bartender therapy for you."

Husk: "You can't fucking do that."

Vaggie: "Hotel fucking manager, asshole. Watch me. From now on you serve drinks ONLY to go, NO more people sitting at your bar for you make yourself feel better listening to. Not until you treat them like people instead of a damn telenovela."

Husk: “You think I LIKE listening to you all bitching?”

Vaggie: “No. I’m saying I’m not the only self-hating bastard here who gets off on judging others.”

Husk: “Fuck you.”

Vaggie: "Wow what a comeback. Look Husk, if you’re gonna break our trust just to score points in a dumb argument then you can go get your gossip somewhere else.”

Husk: “It’s the only way I’m getting paid in this crappy place!”

Vaggie: “And who’s fault is that? Did I sell your soul to a creepy smug disc jockey?”

Husk: “You’re sure using it either way.”

Vaggie: “Can’t be judgmental without being a fucking hypocrite too, right? Might as well own it, since now everyone knows that’s my thing.”

Husk: “I was trying to help you motherfucking losers!”

Vaggie: “Like hell. Telling others how much they suck feels good doesn't it? Feels like you've got it all figured out. No reason to get your own shit together when you can point at people who're an even bigger mess than you. No, you've already learned your lesson, you fucked up but won't be making any more mistakes. At least you're not in denial over it. At least you're coping with it the right way, aren't you."

Husk: "Well you'd sure fucking know since you're doing it right now."

Vaggie: "Takes one to know one."

Husk: "Tell yourself that if it helps."

Vaggie: "Oh you wanna talk about helping? Charlie’s trying to help every one of you assholes here. She's the one opening up and risking fucking up and getting hurt trying to reach you! Not that it matters to any of you.”    

Husk: “…”

Sir Pentious: (muffled) “It matterssss to me!!!”

Vaggie: (groans) “WHAT DOES PRIVACY MEAN, PENTIOUS!?”

Sir Pentious: “….not, ah, lisssstening in from the hotel air ventilashhhtion ssssystem…?”

Niffty: “Carrrrreful. Don’t crawl through my disembowel rat corpse collection~”

Sir Pentious: (shrieking)

-later that night-

Vaggie: “Hey."

Husk: "Hey your fucking self."

Vaggie: "Angel Dust said you had a drink with him.”

Husk: “Yeah? What if he did?” (ears flattening) “He didn’t even get fucking tipsy and I’m not telling anyone what that loser would’ve said to me while drunk off his ass anyway. I don’t hate you motherfuckers that much.”

Vaggie: (smiles) “Yeah. I know.”

Husk: “…. your miss princess asleep?”

Vaggie: “Technically she’s in bed. Angel Dust came over for a sleepover girls night and I kicked Pentious out of a shadowy corner to join them. You seen Niffty?”

Husk: “No. Sounds like she’s still enjoying that shitty film though.”

Vaggie: “Sounds like? What-”

Husk: “Shh. Listen.”

Vaggie: “…… are the air vents..”

Husk: “Moaning.”

Vaggie: “That’s Angel Dust’s moaning. That’s his work moan- Fuck, I never wanted to know what that sounded like- but does that means the hotel ventilation system is-?”

Husk: “Piping hot garbage throughout the hotel like hell’s shittiest surround sound.”  

Vaggie: “Great.”

Husk: “Hope your princess is ready for the audiobook.”

Vaggie: “Ugggghhhh.”

Husk: “Drink?”

Vaggie: “Just break the bottle over my head....”

Husk: “Fuck no.” (grins) “I’m not wasting a whole bottle on you.”

Vaggie: “Pour it out for yourself then. Tonight you’ve earned it.”

Husk: “Earned what, a fucking hangover?”

Vaggie: (rolls eye) “Just drink up, old man. I’ll drag you back to your room and toss you in when you’re done getting drunk off your own ass.”

Husk: “Huh!”

Vaggie: “I also won’t tell your princess he left you smiling like a dumbass for the rest of the night either.”

Husk: (opens bottle) “You better fucking not...” (swigs) (still smiling)

[cosmics-beings]

Can I ask your opinion on what you personally think a good redemption arc for Megatron would be? I agree with your opinion of IDW/ES’s attempts because it really feels like something is…missing.

this is kinda critical, and it may be strange coming from me because over the past year I've tended to be soft on megatron but I've also been looking at characters with a more critical lens....so if hardcore megatron critique offends you then just look over. also...these are MY opinions.

What is missing is actual accountability, because in none of Megatrons redemption arcs does he ever actually take accountability, at least not in a way, IMO, that does anything for the narrative or holds him accountable.

There’s a lot of things that could’ve been done different. while I don’t really agree with how things are going in ES in regards to his character, what I do like is that Megatron’s past actions are finally coming back to get him. And by that, I mean that all the Decepticons have practically turned their back on him, which I love. And it also shows the organization can and in some cases should exist without him. I think what I didn’t like about ES, is that his redemption fell flat because he didn’t really understand a lot of what he did wrong. Meaning that, yes he was very sympathetic about being a warlord, and causing war and stuff. we even saw how much he cared about the deceptions and how angry he’d get when he thought that Optimus was working with GHOST to subdue the cons.

However, Megatron’s care for the Decepticons in ES is very very conditional. Meaning that if any Con had an issue with I’m, or literally wasn’t worshipping his feet or seeing him as a leader, he was prone to violence. This was shown with the Seekers AND Soundwave especially Soundwave — whom his peaceful facade broke the minute Soundwave held him accountable.

So I can’t say I completely hate ES, because it shows the flaws in taking a war lord and trying to make him a family grandpa, when he hasn’t really, truly been held accountable. But that’s also the thing that kinda makes me not like his redemption arc in ES. He is free, with the Autobots, with the Maltos, while his people are not. AND YES, for whatever reason, Megatron betrayed them. Maybe Megaton thought he was doing the right thing, maybe he thought it was saving the Decepticons, regardless it was still a bad look imo.

I hope ES points that out, how hypocritical he is, how the Deceptions don’t really want him as a leader because of that. 

IDW/Lost Light...

I love the Lost light, and i have a soft spot for LL Megs, but I really don't think Megatron deserved a lot of the nuance and care he got, when other characters had to suffer and didn't really get that. LIKE soundwave and other cons/ex-cons also deserved that nuance and love he got.

I think what i really hated however is how Megatron's presence on the Lost Light overshined a lot of the other characters. There was this need to push an unneeded redemption to the point that other people's narratives were overlooked. Rodimus suffered MASSIVELY for this, and he became an addition to Megatron' s arc, wherein he still had so much more growing to do. Now his character is solely tied to megatron and to me at least, it's kinda annoying. He deserves to exist outside of megatron but because there was a need for redemption for Megatron, he doesn't get that.

The relationship between Magnus and Rodimus, which needed to be highlighted, was HEAVILY destroyed because the narrative wanted Megatron to be the main character. And Roddy's trauma with being a prime was essentially downplayed.

I think that Megatron probably should've fought Unicron with the others in the end. And similar to starscream and soundwave, i think death, certain death would've been a great redemption for him. I'm not saying he can't be on the lost light for a while but essentially he wasn't held accountable for anything he did. he got therapy, he got a family, and he also got to leave to go to the functions universe and live a life he wanted.

and yeah maybe he gets executed, but there is also another megatron who was created with another LL, who doesn't get that, and he gets to be free and happy, while trillions are still dead because of him.

I don't think he actually got a redemption arc in the LL simply because he wasn't held accountable for anything. He got a very compelling, sympathetic story that i guess worked...

but i never saw it as redemption because he never was truly truly held accountable for what he did.

that's just my opinion. all of this is just my opinion so you don't have to agree with my takes!

[khaopybara]

Ok I have written and rewritten this trying to get all my thoughts together about affair so l apologize if im all over the place.

I am glad that wan ran away and im actually having second thoughts about wanting them to be together. One part of me understands and accepts that pleng has been slower at realizing her own feeling for wan (it happens) while wan has been all in since they were kids. The other half of me wants to slap pleng and shout at her "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE ONE FOOT OUT THE DOOR, CANT YOU SEE HOW MUCH WAN LOVES YOU!?!?" THIS WOMAN MARRIED A GUY SHE DIDNT EVEN LOVE TO KEEP HER PROMISE TO PLENG AND HAD HOPED THAT PLENG WOULD SEE THEIR WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT!!! Admittedly a little extreme but I guess that's love!

During the entirety of pleng reading wans letter I was like "mhm yep" "so right" "exactly!" Wan said it all perfectly imo.

I feel like wan should only accept her back and forgive her if she agrees to go to both individual and couples therapy.

(also that tattoo shop was as busy as deane's 😆)

-🤫

In a similar manner, I've also written and rewritten this lol but I've been having so many feelings about WanPleng and Affair for the past couple of weeks, like seriously. And mind you, I will make no sense in this post. I'll sound like an hypocrite at times, but trust the process.

There was not even one character in Affair that didn't piss me off at some point.

Pleng pushes the protagonist privilege with me the most, and Wan has probably annoyed me the least.

But also, gotta give credit where credit is due (I suppose). The name of the show is Affair, so from the very beginning, I assumed they'd be problematic and not your usual GL sweet protagonists. I did expect it to be a more problematic-together thing, though, as in them actually being part of the affair (I could go on a full rant about Eek, but I'll stop myself), but instead, we got emotionally immature and stagnant former rich kid Pleng running away from every single one of her problems and coming up with solutions (that involve Wan) completely by herself without consulting anyone first. And it's not exactly an insecurity thing she developed for losing both of her parents + her wealth. She has done that since they were kids. It feels like an entitlement she has over Wan's life from day one.

On the other hand, we got overachiever Plengpleasing Wan who has tricked an already emotionally constipated and loveless Eek into dating and marrying her just bc Pleng told her to do it. She has always made her intentions so clear to Pleng, but I also wish she had used her words more, especially after they became adults.

They both need so much therapy and counselling, because if they stay together, it'll only be because they have this wrong notion that they are only able to love each other in this lifetime. And it's an insecure love, because in that letter, you can hear how much resentment she still has for Pleng leaving.

And mind you, I say this with love! They are extremely unhealthy to each other, and Wan's mom is kind of right when she says Pleng clouds Wan's perspective. They love each other unhealthily and at this point, they both deserve each other (and it's not like their options are good with a bunch of dudes who are all pain the asses. I'm not even kidding, not even one of them if a good fit. I didn't even remember who that Frank guy was and then remembered he's the one in the bike who I thought wanted Pleng first and then saw that Wan became a pretty teenager!!! And decided to switch his attentions to her instead.)

Anyway. I love them, and I hope they learn the magic of words and therapy and solve their issues. (Maybe they should get a therapist to every character, too.) Or maybe not. Stay unhealthy girls, but be unhealthy to others and not each other, alright?

[clocks-are-round]

In regards to your post w/ hcs about why they enlisted, maybe Donut enlisted since he's from Iowa and was enlisting since the army would pay for his college tuition? (Obviously dependent on your headcanon of Donut's home life but this would be assuming he grew up on a farm or something)

That’s a reasonable assumption for sure. I want to figure out a reason that alludes to what is known about him in canon, suits his personality, and ideally— is emotionally poignant in a way that adds layers to his characterization and explains why he stuck around and how he’s just as fucked up as the rest of the crew. So in short, it needs to be both likely and compelling.

Example with another character (because I love excuses to ramble about headcanons)

Simmons

- kissass to authority father figure (sarge)

- knows how to code and is viewed as smart (supposedly put in sim troopers due to being annoying and test anxiety rather than having low marks due to lacking knowledge)

- daddy issues (dad wanted him in women’s sports and seemingly didn’t take no for an answer, at least for some time)

- could be interpreted as a trans man and achillean from various lines

Why didn’t he pursue a degree and job in computer science/programming?

My headcanon: Simmons’ father is very traditional, a firm believer in the ideals he was raised with: homophobic, transphobic, and legacy is very important to him. Many women in his family were successful athletes, a few even Olympic level, and he expected this from his child. Though Simmons’ mom was… better at meeting his needs than his father, she was also hard on him and held him to high standards due to image being so important to her. This resulted in a irritable people pleaser with self-worth issues so desperate for validation from his neglectful father that he dropped everything he had worked for in life to risk his life in an attempt to prove himself because Simmons is nothing if not petty.

Reason for enlisting: desperate for validation

If this concept intrigues you, read my fic Dysfunctional on AO3

So following this method, Donut.

- grew up on a farm in iowa

- spent a lot of time repressing thoughts he had on the farm

- loves “feminine” things like decor and fashion, but was too insecure/guarded to really talk much about it towards the beginning (the “lightish red” bit, the seeming change in characterization through the first few seasons) until he warmed up to the team and lowered his guard

- was sent to conversion therapy at one point (came back to write this after writing everything down below but: i think he mentioned his dad here. but i might’ve come up with him to justify it when his mom is sapphic? seems a little weird if so because internalized homophobic mom putting her son through that before coming to terms with it and regretting it as she hypocritically starts dating a woman for the first time. they laugh about it but really both feel the tension that can’t be fully erased. please tell me i had a reason for putting homophobic dad man in the picture when the other option is more compelling PLEASE. ooh if not maybe HE’S the internalized homophobia all along oohhhh EDIT: yes his dad did “send him to a compound” so that part was a thing)

- two moms i misremembered this, it’s more OR less than one mom. the exact quantity of moms was not stated, only assumed by fanon (it’s from a psa but other things in this post are also from dubious canon sources. unless it directly contradicts canon proper in a way i cannot justify, i try to incorporate it)

My headcanon: Donut grew up on a farm with his mom and dad. He always felt like he had a pretty solid relationship with his dad as a kid. Many fond memories of playing catch, and his dad cheering him on at baseball games. As he got older his dad became more hostile about Donut’s other interests, suddenly dress up was a problem. His dad started becoming very vocal to him about what it meant to “be a man” and what needed to stop. Donut was also a theater kid, of course. When he was 15, his dad started sending him to “therapy.” His mom found out after two years of conversion therapy crumpled up the blabbermouth ray of sunshine into a more antsy and withdrawn teen. After about a month of heated parental arguments, his mom divorced his dad. It wasn’t long, months maybe, before she started dating a woman.

This Donut headcanon is rougher than the Simmons one. It hasn’t been considered as deeply and I haven’t cemented it into existence with fics. But there’s a key part that is missing:

Why did Donut enlist? What would be compelling while also cohesive with the character and backstory? As far as I remember he never mentioned college (correct me if I am wrong), or a previous career. Because of this and vibes, I headcanon him as enlisting right out of high school. I could put off the divorce until he’s already in space so that he enlisted to ‘toughen up’ for his dad, but that feels too similar to Simmons’ reason. He could enlist for college funds— but afaik he doesn’t go. Was it a lack of direction? Did he feel uncomfortable with a new person in his life replacing his dad, even if there were conflicting emotions there? Or maybe he wanted the money for a different reason. To help his family? Maybe his dad made a lot of the income before and the farm was falling into disrepair from lack of funds? That one feels close to my Caboose headcanon (wanted to apply to college to get an engineering degree to get a higher paying job than without a degree so he could make enough money for his mom and family to leave his abusive dad; then when the sign ups ended up being for the unsc he just rolled with it) but it’s different enough that I could potentially work with it. So for now, my best theory is feeling a little uncomfortable with the changed family dynamic, wants to help out his mom, and thinks the space marines sound cool (because of course he does). This doesn’t really resonate like the others did though, it doesn’t feel like it adds much depth or has that “that makes so much sense and explains so much!” vibe. I won’t feel confident about it until it feels right, and today just isn’t the day that I solidify my Donut backstory headcanon unfortunately. But that’s okay.

I don’t particularly want suggestions as a follow-up to this, but thought it would be fun to try to explain the subconscious process i go through when coming up with these.

I do appreciate the ask, as it gave me an opportunity to brainstorm as well as ramble for you guys haha

[inkedmyths]

S1: E22 "Devil's Trap"

Brought to you by hey so each and every one of you who made me watch this. You all suck. This is the worst. I hate it here. What sort of BULLSHIT was that—

This episode featuring: Odd interrogation techniques, family dynamics, bodysnatching, and one deeply upset Ink

Banging opening music

I will not fall doooown... when push comes to shove I will rise above... jammin

Here we fuckin go the boys are off to save or avenge their dad

[ Kayla asks if one of the opening montages has used Carry On My Wayward Son. I said no, because I would definitely remember that. ]

Where are we

What the dog doin

Holy water and whiskey. Mood.

Oh this be Bobby

[ Kayla and Crepe cheer. They love Bobby. ]

SCREAMS. JOHN JUST HAS THAT AFFECT ON PEOPLE (referring to when he threatened to shoot John) oh I like him already

Satanic Roach Hotel

Ohh. Bad year. Most years 4 possessions, but this one had at least 27...... well thats rough

UH OH

MEG

DEAN

Fuck off Meg

"Chuckleheads" GREAT word use Meg

GOTTEM

Okaaaay interrogation time

"Where's our father, Meg"

"You didn’t ask very nice"

"Where's our father, bitch"

Goddammit whys he so funny

Oh shes posessed

I dunno about innocent

Oh good news bc it means they can yeet the demon, yea?

"Hit it Sam" (begins praying)

[ Winchesters latest hit single in Christian Rap sweeps midwestern protestant congregations as a big hit! ]

Dean buddyyyy

Uh getting spookyyyyy

This is wild. Interrogation via exorcism

What the fuck are u gonna do here like what do u do

Shes dead but not but whats up

UHHHH WELL THATS FUCKING. SOMETHING

Hello ma'am

That sucks ass. Being exorcised certainly doesn't seem fun, esp when you got dropped from a building

A year............ bro.......

Poor gal...

As I went down to the river....

Oh she gone.............

:(

:((

STOP ZOOMING IN ON HER DEAD FACE

"You guys think you invented lying to the cops?" lmao thanks bobby

"I won't even try to shoot him this time"

[ Crepe asks Kayla if Meg is the woman Bobby has buried in his garden or if that's someone else. Concerning. ]

SCREAMS hes making the car safe and Dean is like MY CAR

Dean just wants his family to stop being self sacrificing. Hypocrite

Sunrise Apartments!

Building full of human shields... thats a problem

Pull the fire alarm lol

Oh those people are SO posessed

Yep there he is, tied u— hm. I don't. Like that actually

"I've got a Yorkie upstairs, and he pees when he's nervous—" Dean for funniest liar

THEY STOLE THE FIREFIGHTERS FITS

Demon? Demön?

Holy water!!

Hes still breathing hes not dead yet

But he might be posessed

Oh just had to check

Uh oh someone else just got posessed

And another....

Aha... the colt

[ Kayla: Uhhh I'm here for the colt stuff - the Winchesters]

2 bullets left!

Alright. Now what

Fambily

Dean can and will kill for his family huh

Uh oh zappy lights

The demon's here!

Uh oh

Something is wrong

OH

OH SHIT

Sam going AAA

AUGH WHATS HAPPENING

I DONT KNOW

WHAT IS THISSSSS

Bullshit bullshit

Me: DEAN WAS RIGHT

Kayla: and why was he right :)

Me: Bc he would have been pissed :(

Kayla: and never proud :)

Kayla: (therapy voice) and how did that make you feel

Me: I hate it here

Kayla: elaborate on that

Me: I haaaate it here

Kayla: mhm mhm (writing stuff down)

"What are you and God going to do?" dammmn

Justice for WHAT

Oh so a demon cares about its family

Good for him but also you were already trying to kill them before??

Yeah? Why?

What's your angle here

Huhhhhh. What the fuck do you want with Sam

"I really can't stand all your monologuing"

Oooough hitting him where it hurts damn

OOOH DAMN DEAN THROWING SHADE BACK

How are u guys goimg to get out of this

Oh shit oh SHIT

AAAAAAAAA

OH THE LEG!! SMART!!!!!!

Oh fuck man

Bro it fucking leaving

Well this is an Awkward Family Ride

Kayla: awkward family ride abt to

TRUCK

What the fuck what the fuck

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

BRO WHAT

THATS IT FOR SEASON 1??

BULLSHIT

---

My so-called friends then proceeded to point, laugh, and heckle me for the next 10 minutes. This is bullshit I hope you know. Stupid goddamn cliffhangers stupid Winchesters and their STUPID FAMILY NONSENSE—

[sincelastsession]

My dad is an abusive bastard and a hypocrite and a piece of shit father. I am sick of the abuse.

I am having the worst ptsd episode and I'm considering going to the hospital if a cold shower doesn't knock me out of it.

Fuck this shit Joshua. He FUCKING MANIPULATED YOU

I told you he would

And like now he's got you how he got Robin to think of me is my fear. And goddamn she was awful.

I'm in the worst PTSD flare up of my life and I am continuously abused and I do not know how long the thread I am hanging by is going to last because I have been Through too much to be treated like garbage at my age

I don't think anyone understands that I'm a really nice kind person and I used to have a side of me that was not

And I don't think people understand that if they keep pushing me and I lose touch with reality and have to go to a grippy sock vacation and I get out of the grippy salt vacation I'm not going to be fucking nice to anybody anymore I am so fucking tired of this shit

All I have ever asked is for my parents to educate themselves about their daughter's health conditions just like most families do they will at least read a little bit about it so they can understand or they will clarify and talk to people in a healthy manner

But no it doesn't matter what I do or say I still get treated like shit on someone's shoe

I need to move I was told that it was not happening anytime soon even though before that I was told that it would be happening next month

I told them I cannot last very much longer in this environment and it fell on deaf ears

I would not do well in a grippy sock vacation home I don't do well in those medication changes are not needed and I do not get the rest I need and it makes everything worse

I am scared that I am going to lose touch and control over myself if I have to continue to be subjected to stressful and abusive stimuli

Do you know what happens when you beat a dog enough

They are eventually going to die or bite you back

Perceive an experiment they did where they would shock dogs they would have open cages and the dogs could leave the cages at any time but the dogs didn't know when they would get shocked so they would just howl and cry and their cage is not knowing if they could leave or not without getting shocked

There's a good metaphor for you

I am mad

I do not think that you know enough about me and these fucking people gonna abuse me constantly

I'm not a controlling person I'm not a bad person I'm not like this when I'm doing well

But if people push at me and push it me and push it me I'm going to break

And I don't know what that's going to look like and that scare the absolute fuck out of everybody else as well

My psychiatrist is terrified for me

I am scared for me

Psychiatric facility is disgoing to make everything worse there's no place I can go to get rest and relaxation from everything I can't even afford a hotel room for the evening

I want my supposed to pay for a gym membership and also pay for a phone bill and be financially stable by fucking September

I need a safety net of money in order to get the fuck away from my parents

I don't know how to do under the table stuff and I don't know who to speak to and who's an expert on it and I do not feel comfortable breaking rules

I really really don't like to lie and I really really really don't like to break rules

Maybe when I was a teenager it would have been easier but no I have always gotten in trouble since I was tiny for doing anything that my parents didn't like even if it was a normal thing that kids do

I don't think you understand the amount of micro management abuse control that has happened to me and continues to happen to me at 37 years old I was thrown in fucking therapy at 12 because of their bullshit and them saying oh we don't know why our precious little daughter suddenly is a bitch here go to therapy that will magically fix you and I have been in therapy since and I could probably become a therapist but that's not going to fix the problem

I know what's in my circle of control and that's not very much right now

I can't even control parts of my own self in my circle of control

And my dad had this big giant freakish tantrum that sounded completely paranoid telling me that I was trying to control him when I just asked him to stop talking for a second please because he kept interrupting me and then telling me that I was interrupting him when I was speaking first and it was not his turn to speak and he kept saying I was cutting him off when he was the one cutting me off he's projecting

I'm not doing half of what he says I'm doing

He has literally taken a Doctor when I was in the ER for serious fucking pain because I have degenerative disease and one of my fucking disk got messed up

He took the Doctor out in the hall and told them that I was manipulative and all this other shit that's not true They told them that I was too smart and I would try to control everything and I wasn't planning on that I wasn't caring about that I was in too much pain to give a fuck but I was very very mad that he just went within earshot of me and talked to a medical professional behind my back and told them things that were not true

Because he has to be in control he doesn't believe that I have any of the mental issues that I have that are diagnosed on paper by very very accredited doctors.

I didn't diagnose myself they did

I am so sick of being treated like I'm the worst adult daughter that's disabled on earth

I'm so tired of the resentful abusive treatment

I am so tired of being only treated nice when people are gonna get something out of me

I have a very tiny tiny support system that doesn't even work all the time because people aren't available all the time and I'm aware of that

And I'm aware that my parents are having money struggles but most of that is bullshit and you need to know that because they made bad choices and that affected me and yes I'm an adult but they didn't teach me things and I don't know what I'm supposed to learn and I miss cues and I don't understand a lot of things that seem really easy to other people and they're hard for me and I've tried it's not like I can't it's not like I haven't tried I've been treated like shit

I don't understand why I'm a target for people to treat like shit

Do I just need to start acting like a psycho bitch all the time to everybody to get some God damn respect

Because I don't want to be like that

You know everybody's complaining to me about my sister and I had spoken to my sister days before she attacked me and told her that I would happily sit down with her and help her find all the doctors she needed to find on her insurance and I would help call and make appointments and even take her to the Doctor appointment

I was willing to go that far out of my way for somebody who doesn't really even answer my phone calls or give a fuck about me

I was willing to go out of my way because my parents are incapable of being parents

I basically raised her as best I could when my parents weren't teaching her how to treat me like shit and teaching her bad habits that are affecting her now

You know why we're so much alike we're so much alike because my parents didn't really change their parenting style and she's healthy and she can work but she's pretending to be disabled now because she thinks I'm pretending

And there's just so much bullshit and I'm so tired of it I am so fucking tired of it Joshua

I understand that you don't have a magic wand and you can't fix all of this but I'm just telling you the truth of what is going on

I can be defensive and interrupting and all of that and some of it I can help and some of it I can't and I don't know if it's a neurological condition or if it's literally because I haven't been able to be calm in I don't even know how long

And I live in Louisiana which has the worst mental health care in the fucking United States it seems like maybe I'm wrong but it feels that way

And I don't feel like anybody believes me and I don't feel loved and I don't feel cared about And I don't even feel like a person to have at the time and I don't understand what's so hard about people just learning about me why is it so hard for my family to just calm down and shut the fuck up and listen and and learn

We could be having wonderful conversations together and spending time together if they would just stop treating me so badly

And they always act like they're so innocent and perfect and then I'm the one that gets the fussing

I have always been the fucking whipping boy for everybody

And I'm sick of it

I feel like the goddamn velveteen rabbit

I was loved and then they threw me the fuck away and there's no fairy coming to turn me into a real person instead of a destroyed shell of a person

I have worked my ass off for years only to be shoved backwards over and over and I'm still under their thumbs

Do you know what my father said to me

He told me that I should just pretand and seduced Travis and I was like no he's like a brother. And my dad was like oh you'll get over that why don't you just marry him and then you know when you have sex you can just keep your eyes closed he said something like that to me and it was the most fucked up thing I have ever heard of father tell their daughter other than all the other fucked up things he said to me

I am going to download a phone call recording app on to my phone at some point so you can hear what it's really like

Because the recordings I sent you are absolutely just the lightest version of what I have to deal with

And you said it was safe for me to talk to him again

It is not he was just on his very best behavior he was just fucking manipulating you and I warned you about that I did unless you know about it and plan to talk to me about all of that I don't know

But right now I am in distress I'm having a meltdown and APTSD episode I'm having flashbacks I can't get it to stop I'm going to have to take an extra medicine I'm going to have to go smoke my brains out I'm going to have to go take a bath or throw myself into the shower I'm going to have to go get some ice and put it on my neck and I shouldn't have to be doing any of this

None of these bad things ever should have happened to me

And my dad said that I was punishing him on the phone he said I was punishing him because I was trying to talk to him

That's so hurtful

I just wonder how many more ti'm it's gonna take until I just go completely dead inside and the psycho bitch comes out to play and teach everyone that they should have treated Kim better because she's innocent and harmless and kind and they are KILLING HER THEY ARE MAKING THIS ALL HAPPEN and no one believes her. She can't trust anyone. She can't get anyone to open thier eyes a see. She hates that this is how she is and she's breaking into pieces and I shouldn't even be here and there's no medicine that's going to fix her better

And I don't feel loved.

I don't hate myself or really think of myself in the classic "you need to love yourself"

How can I love myself when I don't know who that is.

How can I even trust anyone when all I've known is hurt

Fuck this earth

Fuck it all to hell

I don't understand this world

I don't understand the social norm rules and the cues that I'm supposed to get

There's no manual for people like me

And then half of the rules don't even make sense

And people don't even understand what doctors and medical studies are telling them about their loved ones that suffer just like me because they don't care enough to go and learn

And they always make themselves the victim after they have created me into a monster it's very much like Frankenstein I'm the monster and they are Doctor Frankenstein

And the thing is it all seems to boil down to money and that was never my fault

I have watched my parents fuck up their lives since I was a child and I tried to tell them what they were doing was wrong but I was a child and nobody would listen to me and I was to be quiet and seen and not heard or I was to be putting on a show or whatever they wanted me to do

I can't even make art to sell under the table or anything else because I feel horribly wrong and guilty for trying to do that Also I'm entirely too stressed out to offer any of the services or things that I am good at

Also I don't really enjoy any of it anymore because it's just been beaten into my head that that's supposed to be what I'm supposed to do I never got to choose what I wanted to be or do it was always pushed on to me

I have had what feels like 0 autonomy I just have times where nobody's controlling me and I can kind of do what I want

But I'm always terrified that I'm going to get into trouble

Even though I never did anything so heinous and bad that would've gotten me into the kind of trouble that I would get into even if I didn't do the dishes

Do you know what it's like to be called a worthless stupid bitch that's not going to go anywhere in life and all the other curses and things you could possibly come up with in your head from the age of like ability to understand till now still

And to be attacked by your sister who is 22 and an fucking adult and then your father who actually gave you damage to your neck and if he had pulled your hair harder he would have killed you or paralyzed you I have it in medical records

I could send him to jail I could send her to jail but no one's going to believe me because they will manipulate and lie

Because I already got threatened that he would call the cops and throw everything out of the house that is mine so I would have to pick it up off the ground every single day driving across town to make sure that the garbage truck doesn't take my belongings away that I can't bring into this apartment because they smell of pure cat piss because my parents just hoarded animals and then neglected to clean up after them and expected me and my sister to do all the work and now my sister is taking over the house and making it into her house when it is not her place to do and she is stealing things from my mother and from me and my dad is saying that this is all OK and there was no way for me to come and get all of my things and bring them all upstairs to my upstairs apartment without it smelling like pure catPiss ammonia because there's no way to air all of it out in the type of apartment I live in and I don't want to have to not get my deposit fee back when I move.

And then like hud housing and housing authority and section 8 I've tried to talk to all of them and the areas of town that they have places that would possibly be available for a voucher etc are not safe and are not what I need

And I'm not trying to be a brat about it

And I wish people would understand that the way I think is not anything like anybody else

And when I say that I don't think in a normal everyday typical person's way

I don't have this evil part of my brain that sits around and thanks about what awful thing will I do next

It doesn't really cross my mind until I am amped up and freaking out because I've had too much stimuli or I'm triggered and I'm having a fucking episode

I was diagnosed by a Doctor who worked for the VA the big VA clinic up North With complex PTSD and the coroner is the one helped me with that

And I haven't had this diagnosis very long and I have always wondered what the fuck was wrong with me because I've been on medication for fucking everything and it probably fucked my brain up

And all I want to do is get better make money go to school Make more money be financially stable and have a partner and live my life in fucking peace

I just want to be like my friends

And I see the looks on their faces when they're talking to me that they can't hide and I can read exactly what's going on with them

I know what they all think of me

I have overheard conversations

I have overheard my own family talking shit about me and my sister and my sister's friends and pretty much everybody

Nobody likes me and that's fine I've come to terms with that it hurts like a motherfucker but I know that nobody really likes me

Nobody tries to get to know me

Nobody asks me questions about myself

If somebody was given a piece of paper and ask to write about Kim how accurate do you think they would be how much shit do you think that they would just make up on the fly and hope was correct

Why is it that I know everybody's dirty little secrets and everything about everybody I do the most and nobody could give a fuck about me

How is it that's okay

How do social systems work in my age group because I'm not understanding

Am I supposed to find a cool outfit to wear and stand around and act like some sort of goddamn hipster that is very self-important

And I'm excluding Travis from this because that's a whole different story becauseHe hasn't been around me but for a short time And I'm just waiting for the other shooter drop with him as my friend so far it has not but Travis has also been through hell he's had great parents who do give a fuck about him and show him love and affection and he has a brother who is autistic so his parents are very understanding his family is very nice and kind and wonderful and holy shit I wish I could have feelings for him in a romantic sense and run away into the sunset but that's not gonna happen because gross that's like my brother

And then my partner is dealing with all sorts of stuff and is very busy and wishes for me to find another primary partner here and understands that I'm not doing well and that's not happening any time soon but I'm miserable and I would like to find a friend with benefits or another primary partner here or even just a girl to have little biromantic dates with because I am lonely

And then I do make friends and then I'm scared because I don't know how to talk to them I don't know what I'm supposed to do

I was bullied my entire life I was bullied from elementary school till high school and passed that

It's like I'm literally so stressed out that I'm having my heart problems resurface and that's scary and I have an emergency PCP appointment so I can switch to this new heart Doctor so I can get the heart problem that is very distressing checked out

Also I have so much grief about so many people dying and so many horrible things happening to me I don't know what to do with it

I have tried to grieve I've tried to throw it away but I can't because it's all trauma related and it's all stuck in my head and I wish I could pluck it out

And I am so angry I am angry I am so fucking angry

But I think that I'm angry for valid reasons

I feel like people only see one side of me which is an intelligent person who can speak a lot and that must mean that she can do everything else because she can do that and a couple other things but that's not how I work

[dudewayspecialfarewell]

'm the son of rage and love The Jesus of Suburbia The bible of none of the above On a steady diet of Soda pop and Ritalin No one ever died for my sins in hell As far as I can tell 'Least the ones I got away with And there's nothing wrong with me This is how I'm supposed to be In a land of make believe That don't believe in me Get my television fix Sitting on my crucifix The living room, or my private womb While the moms and Brads are away To fall in love and fall in debt To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary Jane To keep me insane Doing someone else's cocaine And there's nothing wrong with me This is how I'm supposed to be In a land of make believe That don't believe in me At the center of the Earth, in the parking lot Of the 7-11 where I was taught The motto was just a lie It says, "Home is where your heart is, " but what a shame 'Cause everyone's heart doesn't beat the same It's beating out of time City of the dead (hey! Hey!) At the end of another lost highway (hey! Hey!) Signs misleading to nowhere City of the damned (hey! Hey!) Lost children with dirty faces today (hey! Hey!) No one really seems to care I read the graffiti in the bathroom stall Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall And so it seemed to confess It didn't say much, but it only confirmed that The center of the earth is the end of the world And I could really care less City of the dead (hey! Hey!) At the end of another lost highway (hey! Hey!) Signs misleading to nowhere City of the damned (hey! Hey!) Lost children with dirty faces today (hey! Hey!) No one really seems to care... Hey! I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't care I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't care I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't care I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't I don't care if you don't care I don't care! Everyone's so full of shit Born and raised by hypocrites Hearts recycled, but never saved From the cradles to the grave We are the kids of war and peace From Anaheim to the Middle East We are the stories and disciples of The Jesus of Suburbia Land of make believe And it don't believe in me Land of make believe And it don't believe And I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!) I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!) I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!) I don't care! (Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!) I don't care! Dearly beloved, are you listening? I can't remember a word that you were saying... Are we demented or am I disturbed? The space that's in between insane and insecure Ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Oh therapy, can you please fill the void? (Ooh, ooh) Am I retarded, or am I just overjoyed? (Ooh, ooh, ooh) Nobody's perfect, and I stand accused (ooh, ooh) For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse (ooh, ooh, ooh) Ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh Ooh, ooh To live and not to breathe Is to die in tragedy To run, to run away To find what you believe And I leave behind (ooh, ooh) This hurricane of fucking lies (ooh, ooh) I lost my faith to this This town that don't exist So I run, I run away To the lights of masochists And I leave behind (ooh, ooh) This hurricane of fucking lies (ooh, ooh) And I've walked this line (ooh, ooh) A million and one fucking times (ooh, ooh) But not this time! I don't feel any shame, I won't apologize When there ain't nowhere you can go Running away from pain when you've been victimized Tales from another broken... home! You're leaving... You're leaving... You're leaving... Ah, you're leaving home!

[snow-and-saltea]

hummm. im just shooting into the dark with no expectation that anyone will actually answer me, but this is something ive been sitting on a bit.

usually when i experience something disturbing or traumatising or smth puts me in extreme grief, i don't talk to anyone about it. that's usually the default until me-on-therapy reminds me that, actually, you need to talk to people about these things, you need to let people know what you look like and how you feel.

but im confused. do i reach out to people as im experiencing them? bc on one hand i think that's bad bc im just putting this weight on them, knowingly, because i cant handle it myself. but on the other hand, when im left alone long enough, i can figure out the "answers" or reaffirm myself somewhat. or at least enough to keep myself manageable.

but like as i start to think about all the times i kept to myself to find the answers for myself... i realised that it wasn't smth i did naturally, it was just something i had to do to get by. a lot of my issues started with not being able to talk to someone about things and because i am and feel so alone in experiencing grief and sadness and anger, that in itself becomes a sort of "trigger" as well.

im just confused i guess. this might be a chicken or the egg first situation. im not sure if i was just predisposed to solve my own problems (and that in itself caused other accidental problems) or i was just forced to solve my own problems, and bc of doing it more, was able to get better at it even though it wasn't my natural inclination. but the answer is prolly somewhere in the middle; i am someone predisposed to try to figure things out on my own in my head both because it was convenient for me (didnt have to confront the fear of asking for help) and because it came naturally (not good at asking for help so i got better at it on my own).

i know that i'm very much an introvert though, which i feel confident in saying. even in positive or neutral times, i liked engaging with the outside world (Doing Stuff, talking w people etc), but i had no problem just absorbing things by reading or watching stuff and staying in my head about them. i'm trying to break out of my shell more about sharing myself w others to be friendly and create Good Vibes / encourage honesty and transparency w others (bc its important to me). but other than that, i don't have much of a desire for attention as a person, and i really like privacy as much as i'm allowed to have.

i do let my walls(?) down consciously when the situation necessitates, but it doesn't come easily or naturally for me to talk about myself, just because i like to flow along w the conversation getting to know others instead (but i realise that's hypocritical of me to only take in information and not give them out, so i try to make conscious effort towards that end). i've also been realising and discovering the small joys and fears that comes when someone sees you, in any shape or form, and how... energetic it makes me. the thought that someone thinks of me even when i am not there makes me tear up. the thought that i have people i might never meet wish me well makes me tear up, too. the thought that i could hurt and be hurt by these people makes me scared. but its all one and the same, so i try to welcome it all equally. only welcoming good times while chasing off bad ones makes for fair weather friends, which is definitely not what i want to be.

hummmm. im not sure where this thought leads me for now, but ill end this here and come back to it if ever. thank you to anyone who decides to read my rambling

[vizthedatum]

sigh, emotional vulnerability about someone who I really wanted to continue dating

I should go back in time to early 2018 and not have been such a rejection-sensitive dick... but maybe we weren't ready back then?

I tried to be as authentic as possible

but I'm severely traumatized and neurodivergent.

Let me tell you what happened, even though my poor behavior does not excuse how it hurt you. Yes, I'm entitled to my feelings and reactions and all that, but it also means that it can push people away. People don't have to put up with the harm/abuse of my actions.

--

I really liked you. My PhD program was driving me up the wall. I was struggling to do analyses, get my paper published, study for my preliminary exam, TA, study for my comprehensive exam, and keep up to date with my skills. I was on high alert for anything that would hurt me - I felt like I gave too much to people who would manipulate me. It was such a trend. I wanted to break it so bad, but I was also just trying so hard to push "healing" onto myself. I was in therapy but still figuring out my meds and hormones and gender and queerness and my fucking PhD ugh. And my family. And just a million responsibilities.

Oh my god - our chemistry was so amazing. So many things could be said about that.

You were really sweet. I like that you talked to me that way - you liked me :) it felt really good to talk with you. I wanted to explore places with you and know what you think.

I was so insecure. SO INSECURE. It was wild to me that you would even like me. Do you know how cool you are? I love how fucking poetic you are. And I barely knew you - I think you'd blow my mind even if you just narrated to me what you were thinking. And honestly, your eye and mind for art... are simply spectacular. I was looking forward to getting to know you a lot better. I looked at all your photos/work - at least the ones you posted online. You're so talented. I don't care if that's cliche to say.

Shortly after I saw you last, I had a previously scheduled first date with this guy who was also very nice (but we didn't click romantically) but I got triggered by the nuanced and complicated consent situation that was going on with Aziz Ansari.

There were so many memories that I didn't want to deal with. I wasn't ready.

And I think you had bailed on two dates - and I knew in the back of my mind that you probably weren't flaking on me or rejecting me. Echoes of you being upset about "people with BPD" and whatever - I remembered. And like, I know what it's like to have mental health shit, depression, chronic health issues, etc. Ugh, I'm so hypocritical.

I don't have BPD but I felt so rejected, and it was unreasonable. I should have walked away and taken some time and then reconnected instead of lashing out and ending something that I really wanted.

I'm sorry. It wasn't fair.

--

And then I fell headfirst into the chaos of my PhD and SEVERAL more toxic relationships ending with my last two partnerships - both of which were not good for me emotionally. (*mumbles* I mean I basically blew up my whole life by leaving those two, and now I'm so much better, but fuck.)

--

And then you matched with me last spring?! And I apologized, and I didn't expect a response. And you didn't respond.

--

Anyway, I want you to kiss me again and take me out to dinner and then read to me until we fall asleep. And go all in on me. My standards and expectations are very high now, and they will remain that way.

And maybe if we have disagreements, we can come up with good ways to repair/heal whatever we have going on and also take space for ourselves, our passions, our friends, etc.

And other stuff. And you can marry me and I'll have your children if it's a stable and happy relationship where we still retain our autonomy and drive and sanity. I will leave if it's abusive. You should too.

An enby can dream, right?!

[thekimspoblog]

I don't hate Howard. I just think in terms of self-improvement, his character arc paints him as a lost cause. Fans point to him going to therapy as proof that he was on the verge of a breakthrough. But like... were you actually listening to what he said in therapy? His whole dream was about how in his gut, he knows how oblivious he is and that he doesn't understand what anyone else wants from him. Maybe if he had survived the encounter at Kim's apartment, his therapist could have helped him reach the epiphany that he's underestimated Kim from Day 1, and that the real reason she did this to him, was because she was insulted by the way he assumed Jimmy was the criminal mastermind behind the sabotage. Maybe he could have realized that it was time to let HHM go and try to be his own man without living in the shadow of his dad and Chuck. But I hold strong to my conviction that if Kim hadn't done what she had done, Howard could have gone to therapy for years and it wouldn't have pulled his head a single centimeter further out of his ass. He thinks Kim did it out of revenge for putting her in doc review, but that just proves that even in his final moments, he still couldn't see her. Because regardless of what the script says, I know the truth: She wanted to teach him a lesson in humility, that the world doesn't revolve around him, that life is one big sh*t-sandwich and it was his turn to take a bite. It was an act of tough-love for a colleague who was already in the process of sabotaging his own life, because his priorities were severely out-of-whack.

Characters in Breaking Bad exist on a spectrum, ranging from "Pure evil: we're supposed to cheer when they die" to "Innocent child: scream in horror when they get shot". And to me, what's interesting about Howard is that he exists RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. What I didn't like about his death was that the show played us sad music, trying to tell us how we're supposed to feel, instead of just letting the pros and cons of this death speak for itself. Howard was at best no more of a scumbag lawyer than Jimmy was, and therefore at the very least a hypocrite. But the point is that Howard wasn't innocent. He had no way to know the full scope of the impact his choices would have, but he still made his choices, he made the wrong choices, and all those wrong choices lead him to that apartment that night, trying to demand answers when the fact is he wasn't owed any. McWexler are just the Joker, baby; they pick their targets at random because it's fun and you made yourself an easy mark because it's easy to get a rise out of you. You were a bully it was ok to bully back. You are trying to make sense of the motives of two people who believe in chaos for chaos's sake, and that sort of naivety is what will cost you your life.

Howard was just a normal guy. But under capitalism, even just being a normal guy comes with an inherent level of violence. So whether or not "kill them all and let God sort it out" was supposed to be the lesson I took away from BCS, that's absolutely what I got out of it.

"i don't feel bad about howard's death because he put kim in doc review" y'all i don't feel bad about howard's death because of the way he forced chuck out of hhm

[kywaslost]

ok- idea:

you’ve always helped bakugou. with his confidence, with his personhood, with nightmares, and whether he’d ever say it or not, he appreciates it. a lot. so you can safely bet that he’s just ITCHING to pay you back.

except, you won’t let him. you refuse to. something happens, you can make it up- maybe a mission goes bad, you have family or friend troubles, maybe just plain ol’ insecurities, but you’re SO stubborn with it he could call you a hypocrite. but it doesn’t deter him- he keeps trying. he tries, and tries until he finally gets it from you. the night you give up he thanks you for letting him in and holds you, keeping you in the warmest, softest embrace as he promises to the moon and back that he is there and he will keep you from harm, just as you did with him <3

Let Me Return the Favor - Bakugou

A/N: Hi! I love this request so much!! I hope you enjoy it! I also hope you don’t mind that I kinda made this really self indulgent since I’m currently going through friend troubles and having a hard time working my way through it. Sorry!

Reader had a boyfriend at one point.

God this turned out so much longer then I thought ☠️☠️☠️

You first met Bakugou when he was kidnapped by the League of Villains. Strange, I know. But you were another captive and the League wanted you to join them, just like they did with Bakugou. During your time with him, the two of you learned a lot about each other. He’d get loud to cover up his stress and worry, often portraying his emotions as anger. Bakugou learned that you stayed quiet in times of stress and worry.

When Bakugou’s friends came to rescue him, they rescued you too. You watched the fight between All Might and All for One from afar, clinging to the back of Bakugou’s shirt. Whether it was to comfort him or yourself, you weren’t sure.

Aizawa and Principal Nezu managed to get you into class 1-A when they realized that you had the potential to become a hero. And you had experience. That’s what surprised them the most. You were the child of a pro hero, one that would take you out on patrol with them. They were a teacher at Shiketsu, so you'd spend a lot of time around heroes in training.

During your time at UA, you spent a lot of time with Bakugou. Both of you had at least a bit of trauma from the kidnappings and being near each other brought about some source of comfort. You used this time with him to try and build his confidence. The two of you spent most of the day at the gym, taking your emotions out on either each other or the equipment. Nights were spent in his room, talking about things.

If any of Katsuki’s classmates were to hear of this, they’d think Toga was the one they brought back. Katsuki talking to someone about how he feels? No way. But it was true. He learned to trust you so much that he once came to your room in the middle of the night crying because he had a nightmare. Nightmares were his biggest issue and most of them were about him being kidnapped, so he went to you for comfort.

Bakugou wouldn’t admit it to anyone but you, but he was so unbelievably grateful for you. You’d helped him through his nightmares, walked with him to and from his therapy appointments, and overall just calmed him with your presence. He felt bad, though, because he couldn’t return the favor. It’s not that he didn’t want to, he really really did, but you wouldn’t let him. You pushed him away, in fact. It’s what made Katsuki itch more and more to finally return the favor.

Katsuki knew a bit about your personal life. You’d told him about your parents and how your dad was a pro hero. How you visited Shiketsu but were never enrolled. How you got your hero training from both your father and the commission (though you never went into detail about the commission part, always changing the subject). But he probably knew the most about your friend group from the normal civilian high school you went to. He paid so close attention that he could list all of their names and your relationships with them. There was your ex boyfriend, who was your best friend for 12 years until you dated but then you broke up with them to work on your mental health. Then there were the several girls you hung out with. You’d told him how you’d become close friends with each of them and spent too much time with them. It was almost as if you always talked about at least two of them a day.

But then you stopped. At first it was gradual. You only talked about certain friends instead of all of them. And then Katsuki noticed how your mood changed when you talked about them. You used to get all excited and happy when you mentioned things you had done with your friends, or get really loud and hyper when you talked about upcoming plans with them. But now you were quiet, often avoiding Katsuki’s eyes when talking about them. You started saying less and less things about your friends and didn’t act as excited as you used to when you mentioned upcoming plans with them. It was strange.

And then you stopped talking about them altogether.

To be honest, it bothered Bakugou to see you this way. You rarely leave the dorms now, choosing to spend most of your time either with him or alone in your room. You were a lot quieter and you didn’t look as alive as you used to. Bakugou tried to talk to you about it, to ask what was wrong, but you’d just brush him off. Your excuse was that you were tired, giving him a small smile and then excusing yourself to go to your room.

What pushed him over the edge, though, was when you returned to the dorms one night on the verge of tears. Your eyes were red and puffy. You’d most likely been crying on your way back to campus. Bakugou was the first to notice your arrival, and then the first to notice your distress. He immediately left his spot on the couch next to Kirishima to stand next to you, placing a hand on your shoulder.

In the background you could hear Mina and Denki making fun of Katsuki for ‘being too soft around you’.

You simply brushed Bakugou’s hand off of you and continued walking to the elevator. That didn’t stop Bakugou from following you, though. “Y/N, wait up.” His voice was gentle and soft as he barely managed to catch the elevator with you.

He watched you from the opposite side of the small space. Your head was hung low and you were sniffling quietly. Bakugou was getting nervous. Has something happened to you while you were gone? You’d said you were going to your best friend’s house just to hang out with your friend group. But that’s all he knew. Did you get into a fight with them? Was there a run in with a villain? Did something trigger a bad memory from your kidnapping and you were left to deal with it on your own?

Katsuki shook his head to clear his thoughts. All he had to do was ask. He was working himself up over it. “Y/N, are you alright?”

He watched you. Katsuki watched as you wiped at your eyes and then sniffled again, keeping your gaze on your favorite pair of shoes. They were dirty and muddy. It must have been because of the storm that hit a few days ago. “I’m fine.” Your voice was quiet and shaky. What had happened to you?

“We aren’t allowed to say that,” Bakugou said, clearing his throat. “Remember? You said that I’m not allowed to say ‘I’m fine’. You said that I had to be honest with you. So be honest with me.”

You shook your head, glancing up at the floor number. 3rd floor. Only 3 more to go.

“Don’t worry about it Bakugou. I’ll be ok.”

“But you don’t look like you are now.” He had to keep pressing. Finally, it was his chance to help you. To comfort you the same way you’d comforted him all those times before. “Let me be there for you Y/N. Just talk to me.” His natural crimson eyes tried to meet your unnaturally red ones, but you turned your head away.

The elevator dinged, signaling your arrival to the fifth floor. “No, Bakugou.” You stepped out of the small enclosure and quickly made your way to your bedroom.

It wouldn’t hurt to give you some space, so that’s exactly what Bakugou did.

When he still hadn’t heard from you and hour later, he grew even more worried. You didn’t come down for dinner so Bakugou fixed you up a plate with foods he knew you liked and brought them up to your room. He knocked on the door but did not receive a response.

“Y/N?” he called quietly. “You in there?” Silence. He knocked again. “Y/N?” Still no response. With a sigh Bakugou slowly lowered himself down onto the floor and leaned against your door. He placed your plate down beside him. “You missed dinner so I brought you a plate.” He chuckled softly to try and lighten the mood. “Don’t worry, I made sure your food’s not touching.”

Katsuki sat there for a bit longer, listening for any signs of movement or life coming from your side of the door. “Listen, I don’t know why you won’t talk to me about things like this. About what’s been making you cry the past few weeks. I can see it in your eyes every night I come to say goodnight, or when I come in during the night. Something is bothering you. You know, if it’s nightmares you can tell me right? Just like how you taught me to come to you.” He paused for a moment. “I’m not leaving until I know you’re alright in there. Until I know that you’ve stopped crying.”

At those words he could hear you burst into tears from behind your door. Jumping to his feet, he knocked again. “Y/N? I’m coming in, ok?” Twisting your door handle slowly, he pushed open your bedroom door. Your lights were off, the soft glow of the sunset drifting in through your closed curtains. But Bakugou expected it. You hated artificial light. You almost never had your lights on.

As he scanned your room Bakugou found you curled into a ball at the head of your bed, wrapped up in your weighted blanket and trying to muffle your sobs with the stuffed animal you made with your friends over the summer at Build-A-Bear. His eyes softened with worry. “Oh, n/n.” Bakugou gently closed the food behind him and then took three large steps over to your bed. He lowered himself down on the mattress beside you, scooping you up and placing you in his lap. You’d done this for him once, just after his first nightmare after being rescued. You held him close to your chest and ran a hand through his hair, letting him cry into your nightshirt. So that’s what he’d do for you.

Untangling you slightly from your blanket, Bakugou adjective you so you were laying against his chest, face buried into the crook of his neck. He could feel your tears run down into the space between his neck and clavicle, then down to soak into his shirt. You had let go of your stuffed animal, it falling to the ground beside your bed as your hands moved to wrap around Bakugou’s torso and grip the back of his shirt. Katsuki ran one hand through your hair as another ran comfortably up and down your back. He rested his head on your own. He smiled softly. He knew he shouldn’t be because it could come off wrong, but he was just so happy you had finally let him help you the way you had helped him.

“Shhh,” he cooed softly. “It’s ok. I’m here now.” The more he held you, the more you cried and your breathing was becoming more staggered and irregular. You were about to send yourself into a panic attack if Bakugou couldn’t calm you down. “Heyyy, shhhhh.” The hand that was in your hair suddenly settled itself on the back of your neck, rubbing gently. “Breathe, Y/N, breathe.” Bakugou took in long, deep breaths, hoping you’d feel his chest rise and fall beneath yours. “You’re starting to hyperventilate. Breathe with me.”

Katsuki led you through a couple breathing exercises you and his therapist had taught him, eventually calming your breathing and your tears. His shirt was drenched in your sweat and tears but he didn’t mind one bit. As long as you felt better, that’s all that mattered to him.

“You feel really warm,” he said softly, feeling your forehead with the hand that was on the back of your neck. “Let’s get you cooled off, yeah?” Bakugou slowly stood, cradling you in his arms as he pulled back the curtains to your balcony and opened the door. The cool night air blew the hair out of his eyes as he stepped out into the darkness. Katsuki knew you kept one of those lounge chairs out there, like the ones you’d find at the beach. Once he found the piece of furniture he gently sat you down on it. Crouching down in front of you, Bakugou’s soft gaze met your tired one as he brushed your hair away from your face. “I’m going to get you some water and a cool rag. I’ll be back, I promise.”

Without thinking Bakugou placed a quick kiss to the crown of your head before leaving you alone out in the cool night air. And just like he said he would, he returned not too much longer with a bottle of water, a wet rag, a bottle of pills, and a small snack. He was wearing a different shirt now, too. Sitting down on the ground in front of you, Katsuki opened the bottle of water and gently pressed it into your hands. “Here. You need to rehydrate.” Once he made sure you were going to drink the liquid he opened the bottle of pills, spilling a few into his hand before passing them over to you. “And these are for the headache I’m sure you’re going to get. Now drink all of your water.”

Once you had finished off the bottle Bakugou moved to sit beside you. He opened the small snack he brought and his warm hands brushed against yours as he passed it to you. “Eat. You missed dinner.” As you slowly ate your favorite snack Bakugou brought the cloth up to your face. “Can I touch your face?” You nodded slightly and Bakugou began wiping under your eyes. He took his time, wiping away the many trails tears had left across your blushed cheeks. Then he worked his way across your nose and up to your forehead. When he was finished he pressed the rag against the back of your neck.

“How do you feel?” he asked softly. “Any better?”

You cleared your throat and sniffled slightly. “Yeah. I do.” You offered him a small smile. “I needed that. Thank you.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Bakugou responded, giving your knee a gentle shove. “You’ve helped me so much. This is just me returning the favor.”

“Bakugou?” Your voice was so soft and timid. “Can…” you sighed in frustration with yourself. “Can I have a hug?”

Bakugou smiled, then opened up his arms. “C’mere.” You dove into his arms as he held you tightly yet again. Bakugou shifted around to get more comfortable, then pulled you to lay down on top of him as he laid back in the chair. “You don’t ever have to ask me for a hug, n/n.” As the two of you sat in a comfortable silence Bakugou asked, “What’s gotten you so worked up anyway?”

You took a moment to think, then you sighed. “It’s my friends. They haven’t been treating me very well.”

Bakugou’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean? How so?”

You held Bakugou a bit tighter. “We’re going to be here a while.”

You felt Bakugou shrug beneath you. “Tomorrow’s Saturday. We have all the time in the world.”

You snuggled closer to Katsuki, preparing yourself for a lot of explaining. “They’re all beginning to ignore me.”

“All of them?”

You nodded. “All of them. When they’re all texting in the group chat and I send a message, it goes completely unnoticed. Or when I’m the first to text no one answers. I’m either left on delivered or opened. Remember when I was sick last week?”

“Sure do. I thought you were dead, you slept so much.”

You giggled at Bakugou’s response. “Well, only one person said anything when I texted the chat. But when Emily was sick a few days later everyone responded several times reminding her to take tests when she got back, sending hearts, or saying that they hoped she’d feel better. But I got nothing.” Bakugou ran a hand down your back again, beginning to feel you working yourself up again. You took a deep breath and continued. “No one talks to me outside of school, and even then only a few do.”

You spent the next hour explaining how each friend had hurt your feelings, or how they had done something they probably shouldn’t have. Bakugou encouraged you the entire time, though, continuing to rub your back or reminding you to breathe when you were working yourself up again.

It was almost midnight when you finished filling Bakugou in on everything between you and your so-called friends. When you were done, Bakugou removed the cloth from the back of your neck and then did something unexpected. He held you as tightly as he could, burying his face into your hair. “I promise you Y/N that I will never treat you the way that those extras have treated you. I’m always going to be here for you. Just like you have been for me.”

You couldn’t help falling asleep on Bakugou. His ambulance was just so warm and welcoming and it helped battle the chill of the cool night air. It didn’t help that when he changed shirts, he changed into a hoodie that smelled so strongly of him that you felt safe, like nothing could ever harm you.

Bakugou wasn’t aware you’d fallen asleep on him at first. He was confused when you didn’t respond to him, afraid he may have said the wrong thing but then his eyes landed on your closed ones and he relaxed slightly. “Damn nerd, falling asleep on me out here in the cold,” he quietly teased. “Let’s get you inside.” He maneuvered you around so he could pick you up, cursing quietly when he thought you had woken up. “No no no, go back to sleep,” he cooed quickly, pulling you back to his chest and resting a hand on the back of your head. “It’s alright. I’ve got ya. Go back to sleep.” He sighed in relief when your eyes stayed closed.

Bakugou stood, carefully carrying you back inside and laying you down on your bed. He made sure to close and lock the balcony doors, drawing the curtains closed like you liked them. Katsuki bent down, carefully picking up your stuffed animal from earlier before he slid into bed next to you. Pulling your weighted blanket up around the both of you, he also placed your stuffy in your arms before pulling you back against his chest.

You’d helped Bakugou in more ways than he could count. He was just happy you’d let him help you just this once. :)

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 302: As the Todoroki Turns

Previously on BnHA: 

Today on BnHA: We have a very fun chapter in which (1) Shouto grows up lonely on account of his parents being worried that his siblings will literally try to kill him, (2) Natsu and Fuyu grow up neglected on account of not being special and/or self-destructive enough to attract attention, (3) we get to revisit all of that exciting spousal abuse from chapter 39, and (4) Touya burns to death right on cue, pretty much exactly like we expected it to happen. Thankfully since this is a shounen manga, Horikoshi finds some hope in all this misery as the Todoroki family rallies together, with Shouto getting his long-overdue credit for being a perfect sweet angel who put up with all of this shit for sixteen years and somehow came out of it strong and kind and empathetic and determined. Anyway, so that flashback was a barrel of laughs. But now that it’s over, we can put all of that angst behind us, and move on to... well I guess, probably, more angst. Look, we’re short on variety at the moment. Bear with it.

ouch. we knew this was coming, but still

A+ parenting move there. “ho boy, our eldest just tried to murder our youngest, now what? hmm how about we isolate our youngest from all human contact”

though in their defense, we probably shouldn’t have expected this rabidly strength-obsessed fire man and his wife who was groomed since childhood to obey her family’s whims to have any idea of how to raise stable, well-adjusted offspring

SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS

this is a perfect example of Enji’s tragically self-revolving viewpoint right here. just because being a hero is your entire world doesn’t mean you can just excuse yourself from anything outside of that and act like it’s out of your control. “alas, all I care about is hero stuff and my son can’t be a hero, we are doomed to inhabit two different worlds” no you jackass, it’s called having more than one hobby?? figuring out how to spend some time with your son that doesn’t involve training?? the same exact thing you were telling him to do last week, while ignoring that you’ve never done that yourself in your life??

that said, yet again we have that complexity though because it’s obvious that Enji at least on some level is aware of his own flaws, even though he seems unwilling or unable to confront them. honestly, from what we’ve seen so far, Enji’s obsession with surpassing All Might might be more accurately called an addiction. he literally can’t let go of it even though he’s fully aware of how it’s slowly destroying his life. and so in the same way that a lifelong smoker or alcoholic might tell their child to stay away from cigarettes and booze, Enji tells Touya not to follow down the same path as him, even though he himself doesn’t know how to leave that path. so yes, it’s hypocritical as fuck, but there’s also an element of helplessness there as well because Enji literally doesn’t know how not to be like this

though all the same he sure could stand to put in more than just a token effort. but it is what it is, and we already know how much he’ll come to regret it

and meanwhile Baby Shouto has frozen his sleep bubble with his quirk lmao. so I guess his quirk did come in early. that’s a recipe for chaos right there

once again Shouto is ruining every single dramatic panel in this flashback

this was so dark and intense... and then I spotted the lil bubs in the corner. Horikoshi please control yourself

“some hero you are, running away” and then all of a sudden, “FIVE YEARS LATER” lol what. OKAY THEN

(ETA: love the confirmation that eight-year-old Natsu comes from the Iida school of puberty and is basically a fully grown man, and meanwhile Touya comes from the hobbit school of puberty and has been perpetually eight for the past five years.)

“HEY BIG BRO WANNA COME RECREATE AN ICONIC FLASHBACK SCENE WITH US. WE’VE GOT THE SOCCER BALL RIGHT HERE, BUT HURRY UP OR WE’LL BE TOO LATE FOR SHOUTO TO WALK ON BY AND STOP TO LOOK”

lol and that’s literally the next three panels. but Horikoshi did add this extra bit after Endeavor starts to drag Shouto away

seriously Enji what the hell did you expect was going to happen here. “Touya went nuts and tried to kill his little brother out of jealousy, so let’s make it clearer than ever that Shouto is the important child and all the other children are just rejects. this will definitely not make the problem 100x worse, and will surely lead to Touya giving up and living a happy life, having been emotionally abandoned by the person he admired more than anyone.” good for you pal you figured it all out. no need for that plan b, “we all just go to therapy”

anyway so he’s telling Shouto he can’t play because he needs more endurance training. and meanwhile Touya’s patented Todoroki Drama Genes are going through puberty as well

definitely the face of a happy, emotionally stable child who’s not still plotting to murder his younger brother in his sleep

“WELL ACTUALLY MAKESTE” lol I stand corrected??

apparently during the five year interim Touya actually stopped blaming Shouto and realized Enji was the one at fault. good for him! a bit inconsistent, given what we know happens later, but I assume we’ll get to that in good time

anyway. “yeah man I agree that dad sucks, but it’s the middle of the night and I’m only eight and you’ve been monologuing for the past two hours bro”

LMAO

the manga is making my jokes for me, only better. fine then

looks like someone’s still miffed about that disagreement he had with his baby sister back when she was like four

“Fuyu doesn’t get properly riled up like I want her to so ranting to her is annoying.” okay but having been in Fuyu’s shoes, it really is just a different way of coping, and I can guarantee she’s not as fine with the whole situation as Touya might think. but making your peace with something is often a decision that’s made for emotional self-preservation reasons. and I sure as hell don’t fault her for trying to shut out a situation that she had no control over, and trying to make the best of it, and scrape together as normal a childhood as she could manage

and now in Touya’s defense as well, that is of course easier said than done, and I’m sure if there was a “push this button and instantly get over all of the trauma in your life” switch readily available for Touya then he would have pushed it too. unfortunately it’s not always that simple

so now Rei is pleading with Touya not to go train up on his little emo hill again, but it doesn’t seem like much has changed since he was eight

I don’t think he gives two figs about being a hero; he just wants his father to look at him again with pride. fucking hell, stop doing this to me you damn Todorokis

guh, they keep telling him the same thing over and over again

even if we hadn’t already known he was gonna go melt his jawbone off soon, I wouldn’t have expected a line like that to go over well

yep. fuck

that Todoroki puberty angst, though. nothing else quite like it

“you have a part in this too, Mom” ooooooh man

okay but look, he’s not entirely wrong. like, I’m not saying any of this is Rei’s fault at all! she’s in an impossible situation where she’s afraid to stand up to Enji (who by this point has shown that he’s willing to physically attack her if things get too heated, which is terrifying), and doesn’t really have anywhere to turn for support. her parents aren’t helping much if at all, and Japan in general is just a terrible country to be in when you’re in a domestic abuse situation. everyone’s expected to put on a brave face and deal with their problems all on their own in private. Rei is basically completely isolated at this point, and she doesn’t know what else to do, and so she’s just trying to keep the situation as stable as possible for the kids

but on the other hand, “for the kids” is also where that argument starts to break down a bit, because at this point Shouto is also being physically abused by his father, and the other kids are continuing to be neglected (emotionally if not physically), as they have been for years. so the situation really isn’t stable at all for them. and as a kid, what you end up learning in that type of situation is that you can’t rely on either parent. not the abusive one, certainly, but also not the other one who can’t protect you from any of it. even if they love you and they’re trying, they’re just as helpless as you. Rei is struggling to deal with all of this with one hand tied behind her back, and I get it, and I’m not blaming her at all. but all the same, particularly given that she’s (understandably) putting almost all her focus on Shouto, the end result is that the other kids have basically been left to fend for themselves

so yeah! a shitty situation all around. and one of those cases where it’s not really anyone’s fault (aside from Enji’s), but I can understand the resentment Touya is feeling all the same. and I’m so glad Horikoshi is acknowledging this, because it’s something I probably would have been too uncomfortable to bring up otherwise. as it is it’s still an incredibly heavy subject, and one that I probably have too many personal feelings about

anyway, so once again the whole “we’ll try talking to him and then just shrug our shoulders when it doesn’t work” parenting strategy doesn’t really pan out for the Todoroki fam

sob this boy is Anakin Skywalkering before our very eyes. all that’s missing is AFO to come and start whispering in his ear. any minute now...

“anyway so then he got taller and his fire changed from red to blue”

guess we’re getting pretty close then huh. this is the part of the flashback that I really don’t want to see, but also unfortunately the part that I’m most curious about :/

oh for fuck’s --

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IGNORING HIM FOR FIVE YEARS DIDN’T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM” sob. back to the drawing board I guess

I thought he got taller, why is he still only like a third of Enji’s height here

oh fuck me these are armor-piercing feels. this is the heavy artillery right here

ENJI I’M BEGGING YOU PLEASE STOP AND THINK FOR ONE MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE BEFORE DOING SOMETHING YOU’LL REGRET FOR THE REST OF ALL TIME. your child just told you that he still thinks beating All Might is the only thing you care about, and that he believes his existence is a mistake unless he finds some way of doing that for you. please stop for a moment to contemplate that and choose your next words with care and grace and oh who the hell am I kidding

-- OR WE COULD JUST BLAME REI

go on and blame everyone but yourself then!! that’s a great solution!! jesus christ man I know this is Endeavor at his literal worst but still this is fucking hard to watch

POOR BABY SHOUTO IS YELLING AT HIS DAD NOT TO HIT HIS MOMMY THIS LITTLE BRAVE BOY NEEDS SO MANY HUGS OH MY GOD

AND MEANWHILE THE OTHERS ARE HUDDLED IN THE NEXT ROOM TRYING NOT TO CRY AH FUCK

(ETA: Fuyu covering Natsu’s ears cuts RIGHT TO THE CORE OF ME. Horikoshi if you’re really not gonna get these kids some therapy then at least consider giving your readers some. what is this.)

you know it’s bad when you’re starting to think the part where the kid burns to death might actually be a less traumatic thing to cut to right now

holy shit, actual Rei thoughts

“I was the one who ultimately made that choice” well there we go, wonder if that’ll put that whole argument to bed at last. I doubt it, but you never know. actually who am I kidding it’s not gonna settle jack shit lol

oh thank god, they decided it was getting too intense and cut away back to the present to narrate this next (final?) part

get ready to cue up that Alicia Keys. THIS BOY IS ON FIREEEEEEE

yeah I think that’s one thing we can mostly all agree on. neither of them had any clue what the fuck they were doing pretty much at any point. though I will say that the hypocrisy of him being all “WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP HIM” followed by him IMMEDIATELY DOING THE EXACT SAME THING is a bit rich

(ETA: and he still has this problem, doesn’t he? he froze up when Ending snatched Natsuo, and again when Dabi was attacking Shouto. he’s so afraid of doing the wrong thing that he ends up not doing anything, which of course is exactly what led to Touya’s death. damn Enji I guess you’ve still got some additional character development to unlock.)

and of course neither of them could possibly have known how badly it was going to turn out. like, the consequences here were WAY disproportionate even for the shittiest of parenting. no one expects “I didn’t know how to talk to my son” to snowball into “my son burned to death and then somehow came back as a villain and murdered thirty people”

ohhhhhhhh fuck me

LITERALLY INCINERATED THE ENTIRE HILLSIDE. fuck. and I am so not ready for the scene of Enji finding the remains of his jawbone afterwards. at least we were spared anything super-graphic (for now at least)

I feel like the timeline here is off, btw?? wasn’t Touya’s death supposed to happen after Rei got hospitalized? this might be the first actual retcon of the entire flashback. although I think it makes more sense this way tbh

I do appreciate that ten years later Enji is finally reflecting on the fact that if he’d just given up his stupid obsession he could have stopped his family from crumbling apart. that probably sounds sarcastic as fuck, but it’s not. there are countless jerks out there who would have still managed to find a way to blame literally everyone and everything under the sun except for themselves. at least he finally figured out how to take responsibility, even if it came too late to stop his son from dying and being radicalized into a villain terrorist organization

and speaking of, it seems to me we’re missing a third and final part to this little tale of woe, and one which only Touya himself will be able to shed any light on. so we’ll see how that goes

oh man seeing the other kids blaming themselves even though none of it was their fault hits hard af. Rei wasn’t kidding when she said they’d been bearing that burden of guilt far longer than Enji

SHOUTO I SWEAR TO GOD IF THE NEXT PANEL IS YOU APOLOGIZING FOR BEING BORN, I WILL... WELL I’LL BE VERY SAD, I GUESS. SO DON’T DO IT

oh good he’s just being quiet. good. it absolutely is not your fault lil bean. it’s not theirs either, but feeling guilty about things that aren’t your fault is a time-honored shounen tradition

goddammit I braced myself for the angsty Shouto panel a page too early. gotta do it all over again now lol. okay here goes

;_;

well well well would you look at that

imagine that. talking things out with your child before they make a rash decision. looks like the Todorokis’ parenting skills are finally leveling up

OH MY GOD

holy shit. this is the most quintessential moment of father/son Todoroki bonding in the entire series. for me it even tops the “nice scar” scene lol. Enji sobbing at the fact that he still has a chance to set things right. and Shouto offering his hand in what is actually the most mature and selfless gesture I’ve ever seen, and being all “we’ll stop him together” to his dad who he hates, but also doesn’t really entirely hate anymore. and all of that is incredibly moving... BUT ALSO HE STILL REFUSES TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM AND HE WOULD LIKE HIM TO STOP BEING SO FUCKING DRAMATIC ALREADY IF YOU DON’T MIND. “WHEN YOU’RE DONE CRYING...” fkjldsk

OH MY FUCKING LORD

(ETA: wouldn’t be a Todoroki drama fest if there wasn’t somebody listening in on the whole thing in secret just around the corner lmao.)

“you think we should have waited somewhere else?” “yeah, probably.” “are you feeling a lot of secondhand embarrassment too?” “god, you have no idea.” STFU HAWKS IT’S NOT EMBARASSING TO BE MOVED TO TEARS BY YOUR FAMILY ALL COMING TOGETHER IN YOUR DARKEST HOUR TO GIVE YOU HOPE THAT YOU PROBABLY DON’T DESERVE BUT ARE NONETHELESS INDESCRIBABLY GRATEFUL FOR

and anyway you chose these guys as your found family, bucko. too late to back out now. next time go get yourself adopted by the Iidas then

AND MEANWHILE NO WORD ON THE WHOLE “HOW DID A THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD SURVIVE A FIRE THAT COVERED HIS BODY WITH HORRIFIC SCARS AND MELTED HIS JAW OFF, AND HOW DID HE SOMEHOW THEN MANAGE TO GO INTO HIDING FOR TEN WHOLE YEARS, AND WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT INTERIM TO CHANGE HIS GOAL FROM ‘SURPASS ALL MIGHT TO IMPRESS MY DAD’ TO ‘KILL ALL HEROES TO MAKE MY DAD SUFFER’.” as if we don’t know the answer to that. but still, would it kill Horikoshi to just confirm AFO’s involvement in all of this already. at this point it’s basically just a formality

so here’s hoping next week we’ll either get that, or more Hawks action, or (DARE I EVEN SUGGEST, I’M AFRAID TO JINX IT) finally cut back to Bakugou and Deku and All Might omg. either way I’m hyped

[fruitcoops]

could we see coops first big fight when they’re married? (essentially pure angst)

Yes, we can! Don’t worry, I got your follow-up ask about a happy ending as well--there are no sad endings on this blog, just some bittersweet ones, and this is very soft and fluffy. Hope you enjoy!

Combined with prompts for...

1. Another of Coops’ serious talks

2. Remus overworking himself to keep up

3. From @colored-rain: Sirius sleeping at Dumo’s for a night

4. Slow dancing in the kitchen

TW for couples fighting, suppression, and marriage issues

“Do you think we got married too fast?” a quiet voice asked in the darkness.

Remus paused for several heartbeats before opening his eyes and turning over; Sirius was staring at the ceiling, wide awake. “What?”

“Do you think we got married too fast?” Sirius repeated without looking at him.

“Do you?” Remus countered. Something panicky was starting to buzz in the back of his brain and he tried to keep his breaths steady. Sirius wasn’t breaking up with him. They had only been married for a few months. Things were really, really good—as far as he knew, they were both happier than they had ever been.

Sirius sighed through his nose. “I don’t know.”

“What?” Remus sat up against the headboard, wide awake. “What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I—” Sirius shifted to sit up as well and crossed his legs. “I don’t know! People usually date for a lot longer than a year and a half before getting married, right?”

“We’ve known each other for seven years, Sirius.”

“Yes, and I love you, and you’re wonderful, but everything happened so fast.”

Remus wasn’t sure if his heart was trying to crawl out of his chest or dissolve into a puddle of pain. “Are you—Sirius, are you breaking up with me?”

“No!” Sirius said immediately. “I just said I love you, what the hell?”

“People can love each other and still break up!”

Sirius grabbed his hands, holding tight even when Remus tried to pull back and let his panic overtake him. Grey eyes locked on his, as solemn as he had ever seen them. “I’m not breaking up with you, Remus.” The clock on the nightstand beeped midnight and Sirius pressed his lips together. “We have early practice.”

“We need to talk.”

“We need to sleep.”

“Promise we’ll talk tomorrow, then.” We need to talk right now, actually.

Sirius squeezed his hands and kissed his cheek. His cheek. “I promise.”

Remus didn’t sleep much that night. His cheek burned with the memory of Sirius’ lips.

---------------------------

Their morning routine was stilted and quiet. Practice was awkward, and though neither of them let the previous night’s events influence their performance, he knew the tension was palpable. “Y’all good?” Leo asked under his breath as Remus filled his waterbottle up.

“We’re fine,” he answered, exhausted.

“Loops—”

“Stay in your lane, Knut.” He regretted the words as soon as they escaped his mouth—the kicked-puppy look on Leo’s face was more than enough to make guilt spike up—but he kept on moving down the hall and tried to wash the bitter taste from his mouth.

The ride home was worlds worse than he could have expected. Sirius turned the radio off the moment it started to play and kept his eyes firmly on the windshield the entire time, tapping his thumb against the wheel in the tic that always appeared when he was nervous. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t help us fix whatever’s going on.” Remus wasn’t angry, per say, but he was really fucking frustrated with Sirius’ sudden inability to communicate. “Talk to me. What happened?”

Sirius chewed the edge of his lip. “I was just thinking.”

There was a long stretch of silence between them. “Wow, thank you for that incredibly helpful information,” Remus said sarcastically when it became clear he wasn’t going to continue.

“You don’t have to be mean about it,” Sirius muttered.

“I’m not trying to be mean—”

“Well, you kind of were—”

“Then maybe you should talk about your problems for once!” Remus snapped before he could shove it back down. Sirius’ jaw clenched. “If we’re going to work through this, then you have to tell me what the hell happened to make you so worried and upset. Do you regret getting married to me?”

The response was immediate. “No.”

“Thank you.” He leaned his head back against the seat rest and closed his eyes. “Thank you, that was what I needed to hear.”

“Do you think we moved too fast?”

Remus scrubbed a hand over his face. “I used to. I don’t, anymore. There’s no rulebook for any of this. How long have you been thinking about that?”

Sirius started tapping the wheel again. “A couple weeks.”

He may as well have opened the passenger door and booted Remus from the car. A breath punched out of his lungs. “A couple weeks?” he whispered. The world was spinning, the floor was open, hell itself was coming to swallow him up. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I figured it was normal marriage stuff. That it would pass.”

“Oh my god.”

“I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”

“And I do?” Remus said incredulously. “News flash: this is the first time I’ve ever been married, too!”

“Please don’t be angry.”

“Being married means you share things, Sirius, not keep them bottled up for two weeks! Especially when they concern the other person!”

Something stormy came over his face. “Oh, really? So when were you planning on talking to me about the fact that you haven’t slept in six days?”

“I literally sleep next to you!”

“You toss and turn all night, and then you get up and run drills for an hour before coming back to bed. Every time I ask how you slept, you lie to my face, Remus. That’s not okay.”

Remus was speechless. He had done everything he could think of to be quiet and careful so Sirius wouldn’t know. “I…”

Sirius glanced over at him, eyebrows raised. “Yeah, I noticed.”

Be an adult. Be an adult. You’re married. Be an adult. “I’m still worried about catching up to the team.”

“I figured. We’ve talked about this before, Re, it’s not safe for you to do that to yourself—”

“You don’t get it!” Sirius pulled into their driveway and turned the car off. “You have no idea how it feels to constantly be catching up to people! I’m fine, it’s not like I’m doing any damage!”

“I’m sorry, did you forget who you’re talking to?”

Remus clenched his teeth and got out of the car, grabbing his duffel from the backseat before slamming the door. He felt a little guilty—the rising memories of hushed confessions of hours of exercise to his father’s whistle meant Sirius understood better than anyone. Then the front door closed behind them both and the indignance on Sirius’ face sent his temper flaring up again. “You never bother to talk to me about anything that’s going on with you, so why should I even try?”

“What happened to ‘marriage is a partnership’?” Sirius followed him into the kitchen. “Have we moved on to the hypocrite stage yet or are we still clearing the air where nothing ever gets solved?”

Remus reeled back like he’d been slapped. “Fucking excuse me?”

“Every time we fight, you start all sarcastic and defensive, and then you get preachy like you’re reading something out of a fucking self-help book!” Sirius ran a hand through his hair. “Christ, Remus, it feels like I’m talking to a therapist instead of my partner!”

“Husband!” The ring on his finger had always been a comfort instead of a lead weight. “You can’t even say it?”

“I don’t regret marrying you!

“Then why are you so upset about us being married young?!”

“Because it’ll fall apart!” Sirius shouted back. “We’re going to be insufferably happy for a while, and then somewhere along the line we’re going to hate each other, and then it’ll be cold looks when we pass and different beds and all our friends will have to pick sides because we can’t stand to be in the same room together!”

“If you’re so sure about that, then why are you trying to fucking hard to keep us together?” Remus’ heart pounded like he’d run a marathon. Hearing his own fears thrown in his face was the most terrifying thing he had ever experienced.

“Because I love you.” Sirius’ voice broke. They were on opposite sides of the kitchen island, but Remus could see the pain on his face. “I love you, and I don’t want some—some impulsive decision to ruin that forever.”

“I love you, too.” Tears clogged the back of Remus’ throat. So stop pushing me away.

“Then I’ll be at Dumo’s.”

Remus nodded silently as Sirius walked past him toward the stairs; the moment he was out of sight, he headed into the downstairs bathroom and sat down with his back to the closed door, burying his face in his forearms. There was a rustle outside, and the front door closed with a click.

It wasn’t until his face itched with drying tears that he remembered Hattie. Guilt and panic stabbed through him and he scrambled back out, sprinting to her bed and then to the backyard. “Hattie?” he called, frantic with worry. “Hattie, c’mere!”

He closed his eyes and thought back to the events of the day. They had left her in the house for practice, and he vaguely remembered hearing her in the other room while they were fighting, and when Sirius left—

“Oh, you bastard,” he said aloud. The rustling of Sirius grabbing his duffel and whatever else he packed had been accompanied by the pattering of Hattie’s paws. “You took our fucking dog.”

Part of him was grateful that at least somebody had remembered their baby. The other part was absolutely furious. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and took a few deep breaths as the tone played. “Hello?”

“Can you pick me up?”

“Re, are you okay?”

“Not really. Can you pick me up?”

Concern dripped from Lily’s voice. “Where are you?”

“At home.”

“…where’s Sirius?”

“At Dumo’s.”

“I’m on my way.”

-----------------------------------

Harry Potter had been alive for less than two years, and he had been cried on by about half the Lions. Finn had started referring to him as ‘therapy baby’, and Remus was inclined to agree—it was hard to feel anything extreme when he was holding the pudgy little angel to his chest.

“So you fought?” Lily asked gently from the armchair across from him. Remus nodded. The whole story had spilled out in a gross mess of sobbing and baby snuggles until he laid down on his back, holding Harry to his chest as he dozed.

“I feel like an idiot,” he said miserably.

“Don’t.”

“It was awful.”

“I bet.”

Remus sniffled and kissed the top of Harry’s head. “Thank you for getting me. I didn’t want to be there alone.”

“I’m glad you called.” She took a sip of tea and gave him a look that he never liked. “Re, can I be honest with you?”

“Always.”

“I was kind of waiting for this to happen.” At his stricken expression, she folded her hands around the sides of her mug. “I don’t think you got married too early, because neither of you do big things like that on impulse and you love each other so much. However, I do think that you have a habit of trying to protect each other from the shit you carry with you. James did the same thing to me, and it sucked.”

“It does suck,” Remus agreed. “I hate the thought that he can’t trust me.”

Lily held her finger up and shook her head. “Nope. It’s not an issue of trust, is it? Why didn’t you tell Sirius that you were having trouble sleeping?”

“Because I didn’t want to worry h—oh.” Harry wiggled around for a moment and Remus adjusted himself so he was leaning on the armrest. “I think I get it now.”

“You guys need to talk about that at some point or it’s going to keep coming up.”

“Is that what you and James did?”

“No, we let it fester for, like, a year and then broke up for two weeks.”

Remus made a sympathetic face. “I forgot about that part. I should call him, huh?”

Lily shrugged. “It’s up to you.”

“I want to apologize,” he said carefully. The sore spot in his heart and chest still twinged. “But I’m still really upset. And hurt. And a little angry? Mostly worried. There’s so much happening, I just want to hold your baby.”

“Go for it, he’s having a blast. Lover?”

There was a shuffling sound from the other room before James appeared in the doorway. “Yes?”

Remus snorted. “Simp.”

“Yes, and? What’s up, darling?”

“Can I have some more tea?” She batted her eyelashes at him with a dimpled smile and he sighed, then took her mug with him into the kitchen.

“You only love me for my kettle!” he called over his shoulder with a grin.

“Maybe!”

Remus turned his head to look at Lily while he ran a hand over Harry’s back. “Lils?”

“Hmm?”

“Am I preachy when I’m upset?”

She frowned. “What?”

“Preachy. Like—like I’m reading out of a self-help book.”

With a heavy sigh, she stood up and walked to the couch, leaning over the armrest to kiss his forehead. “No, Re, you’re not preachy. You like being right, but you’re not preachy.”

“Sirius thinks we’ll end up like his parents.”

“I’m not surprised about that, either.” She brushed his messy hair off his forehead and braided a small strand along the front, then gave it a little tug. “Guest bedroom’s yours for as long as you need it, okay?”

“That might be a while.”

She shook her head and patted his shoulder. “It won’t.”

“Could be.”

“Remus.”

“Sorry. Sleep well, Lils.” He sat up slightly and covered Harry’s ears. “And you, eavesdropper!”

“Love you!” James laughed from the other room. Lily picked the sleepy baby up and ushered Remus into the guest room with a final ‘goodnight’.

-----------------------------------

“Am I an idiot?” Sirius asked.

The bed creaked as Dumo readjusted his legs. “No, mon fils, you’re not an idiot. You are a young man going through his first marriage spat.”

“I hate it. I hate it. I said horrible things to him.”

“It sounds like you’re both to blame.”

“No, I brought it up first.” Dumo huffed, and he let out a slow exhale into the pillow. “Okay, maybe—maybe we were both in the wrong.”

“Fights are rarely one-sided. You have a visitor.”

Something cold prodded Sirius’ ear and he groaned, then curled on his side to let Hattie onto the covers next to him. “Bonjour, sweet girl. Thank you for the cuddles.”

She licked his nose and he smiled, petting the velvety top of her head. “Are you staying here tonight?”

“I was thinking about it. Re’s got the house to himself for a bit, then, and he knows I’m here.”

“I’m glad you’re taking the time to calm down a bit,” Dumo said as he stood with a final ruffle of Sirius’ hair. “That’s a wise decision. Bonne nuit.”

Sirius mumbled a response and made more room for Hattie, then settled in for a restless night. He never wanted to sleep alone again.

----------------------------------

By some miracle, practice was more bearable the second day. Remus still ached somewhere deep inside, but it wasn’t like he had anything else left to suppress. Seeing Sirius was a relief; it surprised him at first, considering the explosive nature of the previous evening, before sliding into something that soothed him. If he could still find peace in Sirius after all that, they would be okay.

He knocked lightly on the side of Sirius’ stall after he returned from the shower. “Knock, knock. Ca—”

“Who’s there?”

Remus’ heart stuttered as Sirius looked up at him from the bench with an apologetic tilt to his mouth. Something clicked into place. “Can I get a ride?”

“ ‘course you can.” Sirius stood up just as Remus stepped forward, and they met in the middle for a tight hug. He tucked his face into the dip of Sirius’ collarbone and breathed in his shower-fresh smell, as well as the trace of laundry detergent from his shirt.

“Love you,” he murmured.

“Let’s go, mon loup.” Sirius pressed a kiss to his hair and they headed out toward the parking lot together; Remus caught Leo’s eye and saw him smile.

“How’s Dumo doing?” Remus asked as they turned out of the parking lot. Start slow, start easy. “Did you drop Hattie off at home before you came to practice?”

“Yeah, I did. He’s good, and Celeste sent me back with some brownies.”

Remus tentatively reached over and rested his hand on the side of Sirius’ thigh—his chest visibly caught before he relaxed into it and reached down to put his own overtop. “Harry’s doing well. Lily says he’s almost started running.”

“Did you go see them?”

“Stayed at their place last night.” He shrugged one shoulder. “It felt weird being there by myself.”

“Re—”

“I’m so sorry.” The words spilled out in a rush, despite his best efforts to keep it in until they reached home. “I’m sorry for everything I said to you, and especially for how I said it. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about how I was feeling, too. It should never have gotten to that point.”

“Apology accepted.” Sirius sounded a little choked up. “I don’t think we got married too soon, if that means anything.”

“Of course it means something,” Remus half-laughed as he wiped the dampness from the corners of his eyes. “It means everything.”

“I thought it might be too late.”

“Can you pull over for a second?” Sirius obliged, and as soon as he turned the car off, Remus turned to face him. He linked their hands, making sure Sirius was looking into his eyes. “It is never too late to talk to me, okay? I’m sorry if I ever made you think that it was.”

Sirius unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over for a brief kiss that sent bubbling warmth throughout Remus’ entire body. “I’m so, so sorry for yelling at you. And for keeping everything in, even though we both promised to stop doing that. All that shit I said, it—it wasn’t true, Re, and I wasn’t thinking.”

Remus rested their foreheads together and wound his fingers in the short curls fanning Sirius’ face. “Honey, we’re not your parents.”

Sirius swallowed hard. “I know.”

“So you don’t have to be afraid that we’re going to hate each other out of the blue, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“If—” His mouth went a little dry and he faltered. “If you want to take a break, or take things slower, I totally respect—”

“Nope, no, no, no,” Sirius interrupted, grabbing his cheeks and pulling him in for another fervent kiss. “I love you. I’m happy with you. I let my head get away from me, and I’m sorry.”

“All’s forgiven, love.” They sat in silence for a minute longer as Sirius traced his jawline. “Let’s go home.”

-------------------------------------

Sirius woke up in bed alone, which would have scared him if he didn’t know exactly where his husband was. He smiled to himself and got out of bed, grabbing a hoodie off their dresser before heading downstairs.

The kitchen light was on and music played quietly from Remus’ phone over the sound of running water. “You’re up late,” he said casually from the doorway.

Remus almost dropped a pot. “Jesus Christ!”

“Just me.” Sirius wrapped his arms around his waist as he set the pot on the drying rack. “Stressed?”

“A little. I forgot to do these earlier and didn’t want to leave them overnight again.” Sirius hummed his agreement and rocked back and forth, then took Remus’ hand and spun him in a slow circle. “Oh, are we slow dancing to the Billboard Top 100 now?”

“Very romantic, I know,” Sirius laughed.

Remus shook his head with a wide grin as they swayed, much too slow for the actual song but absolutely perfect. He was beautiful in the low light of their kitchen, puffy eyes from and all. “You are ridiculous.”

I’m the luckiest person alive. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Sirius leaned down for a series of quick kisses, pulling him in until their chests pressed together. Remus let go of his hand and draped both arms over his shoulders, tangling his hands in his hair. “I know we can’t exactly control it,” Sirius said against his lips. “But let’s never fight like that again.”

“Deal.”

[clairecrive]

Ooh okay this is TOTALLY self-serving but i’m doing it anyway—could you do a (fem)reader x remus where the reader is juggling all sorts of things—working at the ministry and taking classes at night or something along those lines and feels like she’s wasting what are supposed to be her golden years and so she gets upset one night and remus is incredibly good about calming her down and comforting her about it?

"Cake by the sofa"

A/n: not to make this self-serving anon but writing this felt like therapy lmao. Today I offer you some much needed Remus fluff.

Warnings: none, pure fluff

Word count: 1.3K

Tags: @ashlovesthemarauders, @jupiterandbutterflies , @hannaxmaria, @seldomabsent (if you want, you can add yourself to my taglist by filling this form)

HARRY POTTER MASTELIST

The subway was always jam-packed at this hour and you hated it. You hated it and you couldn't avoid it in any way. This was your assigned entrance to the Ministry of Magic. Any other day it would be fine, you'd put on an audiobook or some music but today... today was just too much. Not to mention that the incessant noise was making it impossible to talk to Remus.

You had left before he'd wake this morning and realizing that you haven't spent some quality time with him in ages broke your heart.

"Bunny, you there?" Did you already mention that the connection was shit underground?

"Sorry, love I'm here what were you saying?"

"I asked you when you'd be home tonight."

"Oh," you hummed trying to recall the schedule for today. Thankfully, ministry jobs were 9-5. Sure, they'd usually call you to make extra hours but you couldn't remember if you had to do so today.

Then it hit you, you had taken on a night shift at a local muggle newspaper. It was actually demanded from your superior at the Ministry as a way to make sure that muggles stayed in the dark about the Wizarding world.

"I'm going to be late again tonight, actually." You grimaced at the words. Remus had never pressured you and he himself was a very busy man. Between his job, your jobs and the Order, you rarely see each other, to the point where you were mostly roommates rather than boyfriend and girlfriend.

"Again," he mused and you could hear the weariness in his tone. Sighing, you landed on a wall. You were in the Ministry now, work could wait for another five minutes. This was more important.

"I'm sorry love. I know we haven't properly seen each other in a while."

"That's not what I'm worried about, bunny. You're working too much."

"I could say the same for you, Rem." You pointed out softly. You didn't want to come off as a hypocrite since you also were always busy.

"I'm fine, bunny. It's you that is wearing herself out."

"You don't have to worry about me, I'm fine. Huffing, you rolled your eyes at his apprehensive nature even though he couldn't see you.

"You know I do."

"I love you and I miss you." You confessed changing the subject. You were afraid the distance between you cause by your crazy schedules would eventually drive you apart. So, every time you could even if it was out of the blue, you did this. It was both for reassuring him but for yourself as well.

"The feeling is mutual, my love." Hearing him saying it back had an instant soothing effect.

"I'll see you soon, hun."

You ended the phone call after wishing him a good day and him doing the same. Sighing you put your phone away, your mood souring further as you made your way to your office where you were going to spend the entirety of your day while you only wanted to be with him.

Work was important to you and you knew that Remus shared this same attitude but at the same time, you knew that if it got down to it, you'd choose the sweet-hearted werewolf over anything else.

Making a mental note to speak to your superior about your weekly schedule, you'd settled behind your desk (not so) ready to face today's workload.

*+* *+* *+*

When you finally made it home, later that day, you were ready to bid today adieu. Sighing heavily, you closed the door behind you, the keys rattling as you locked it.

The hallway was dark but you could see that the light in the kitchen was on.  You were light on your feet as you headed there since you didn't know if Remus was awake or he had just forgotten to close it.

When you entered the room though, the sight that met you made you halt. Your eyes flickering all over the room as you took it in. The light had been left on purposefully. The table was laid, carefully set with your favourite pieces, a couple of candles and a few rose petals adorning it.

Realizing that this was most definitely Remus' doing, you smiled as your eyes moved over the room to look for him. But he wasn't in the kitchen.

"Rem?" you called for him softly as you stepped into your small living room. And here he was, snoring softly on the sofa.

Kneeling, you smiled as you took in his peaceful expression. This alone, his angelic face and comforting presence alone would have been enough to soothe your frustrations.

Carefully, you pushed a piece of hair away from his eyes before your finger gently trailed over the scars on his face. He looked exhausted and your heart ached at the idea of waking him up but you knew he had tried to do something nice for you so you wanted to at least thank him for that. Also, the sofa is fucking uncomfortable.

"Baby," shaking his shoulder gently while peppering his face with small kisses you set to draw him for his slumber.

He groaned at the disturbance but you saw the moment he registered that it was you who was annoying him as he turned his head so that your lips could meet his instead of his cheek.

"Hi, bunny," he peeked at you through his lashes, eyes still unfocused with sleep as he pecked you again.

"Hi," you parroted him like a fool. He had always had this effect on you, even more so now that he looked out-of-this-world cute with his tousled curls and red lips.

He mirrored your smile, leaning in your hand that was cradling his face enjoying your touch. As sleep slowly unclouded his mind, the realisation settled on him. Eyes wide, he shot up almost knocking his forehead with yours.

"The dinner," he exclaimed, cheeks red in embarrassment as he looked at you sheepily.

"I saw. It was very sweet of you Rem but you didn't have to." Rising, you settled beside him on the sofa to reassure him.

"I wanted to do something nice for you but of course I had to ruin everything," he groaned letting his head fall on the headrest of the sofa with his face hidden behind his hands.

"Hey," leaning over him, you gently pulled his hands away, " you didn't ruin anything. I love it and I love you for doing this." You kissed his palm to drive your point home.

"You're just as tired as I am, honey."

He knew you were right. He was just as exhausted but still, he was upset that he hadn't been able to do this for you. Letting out a big breath, he used the hand you were holding to pull you to him. Kissing you gently he settled his forehead on yours, intertwining your fingers.

"I had even baked a cake," he mumbled on your lips.

"Well, why don't we eat that and then go to sleep? What do you say?" you proposed pecking his lips again.

"I say that I love you."

Giggling you lightly bumped his nose with yours before rising from the sofa to retrieve the dessert.

When you came back with the plates in your hands, his slice twice bigger than yours, you handed him his before taking your place beside him again.

"So, how was your day?" He asked before digging in,

"Not as good as this cake, for sure." You let out an obscene moan to prove your point but you knew it did well for his ego judging by the look in his eyes.

He thanked you for the compliment with the most adorable shade of pink adorning his cheeks. You cooed at him before asking him the same question.

It wasn't much, just the two of you sharing this insanely good cake Remus made but it was exactly what he needed after a pretty shitty week.