#i just feel so faint and shaky and numb in my body

[mayumania]

i hate hate HATE being a hypochondriac i googled my current symptoms and the first result listed a stroke as a possible cause and now im like

[d0rothydraws]

So I saw a reel on Insta theorising that Sylus is a fallen angel (very Lucifer coded)... would love to see that concept in a fic.. maybe wings could be involved 🤭 but will leave the specifics to you!

Sorry this took so long! also thank you for being my first request <3 I really appreciate it and I hope you like it

After you almost die from a surprise attack, you were saved. Waking up, you have a few questions for a certain someone.

Content: f!reader, switch!Sylus, slight praise kink, angel!Sylus. 18+

w/c: 3.7k

ao3: Here

a/n: I enjoyed writing this one! It was different than what I'm used to which was enjoyable. I wasn't quite sure where to take it so I hope its ok. Also happy kinktober! Let me know if theres any special kinks or prompts you want to see this month and I'll add it to the list.

It started off fine. Just a couple wanderers. It was a solo mission, nothing you haven't done before. It was late at night, almost 11. As the first wanderer fell to the ground in a heavy heap the second one lunged at you. Dodging, your sword caught it on its side making it cry in pain. 

You pushed it farther, digging your sword between its crystalized ribs, groaning as you turned the blade. You felt a satisfying feeling deep inside you. This would be over soon, you told yourself. Just this one and you can go home and shower. Have a warm meal, catch up on your shows and go to bed. 

Your body felt airborne. Weightless. And then, pain. Sharp paralyzing pain as your body was flung across the ground. A third wanderer appeared out of nowhere. Twice the size of the others and it was out for blood. You didn’t know if wanderers had families. But if they did, this one would most definitely be the mother of the two you just slaughtered. You felt weak, faint even. As you tried to stand, to defend yourself, a sound that you didn’t even recognize came out of your throat. An agonizing scream of pain as you tried to move your body from whatever the monster had launched you into. You didn’t know if you were impaled or crushed. All you knew is that your vision was fading fast, a vignette of black teasing the corners of your vision. 

Your chest tightened as you tried one more time. If you stayed, you would be dead. Simple as that. But when you moved, it felt like you were being ripped in two. You felt something wet against your side. Most likely blood. You moved to try and use the device around your wrist, to call for help, for backup. For anyone. The feeling was gone from your fingers. Numb. Cold. 

You never thought that your life would end like this. You weren’t going to lie to yourself and say you had no regrets. You did. More than a handful and if you were given a second chance maybe things would have been different. You would enjoy your friends more, don’t take the people you love for granted. And most importantly, tell the people those same people.. or person.. that you love him.  

A cold chill trailed through your body. You never told Sylus that you loved him. Sure, you had been early in your relationship. Maybe it was off to a rocky start but you had never felt so appreciated and cared for by any person in your life. Your hands curled into fists, your eyes burning with the realization of not only have you never told him that you loved him, but that was going to be your final thought as this wanderer rips your throat out. Tears burned your eyes as you took a shaky breath. The creature was circling you in the air. Wingspan twice as wide as you were tall. Your heart raced as you felt it begin to fly straight down to you. You closed your eyes, taking another deep breath to utter one last word. 

“Sylus.” 

A strong breeze flew past you. Your body braced for impact that never came. You opened your eyes, your vision blurry. A tall man stood in front of you. His back was to you, even in your slowly dying state it looked like… no it couldn’t be. It couldn't be because no matter how hard you focused, how many times you blinked, or squinted there was a pair of large black wings coming from the man's back. A stark contrast to the white hair that you knew so well. You heard a scream, the pained scream of the wanderer as it exploded from… whatever he did to it. You weren’t in a position to really tell or frankly care. You were dying. You felt your heart start to weaken, your body growing numb from the blood loss. 

Warmth enveloped you. Strong arms carefully lifted you as if you were a fragile doll. Soft lips brushed your forehead as you felt the wind suddenly flow past you. The last thing you remembered was the sound of his heartbeat. As fast as ever, before you passed out. 

Your eyes fluttered open.. Quickly you sat up, bracing yourself for the hot scorching pain that you remember. And yet, it never came. As your eyes adjusted to the candle lit room, oh so familiar to you. Sylus’ bedroom. Your heart raced. Why was there no pain? Was it just a vivid dream? And more importantly, where was Sylus. The memories flooded your mind. The feeling of the wind against your skin, the soft feathers that encased you in a warmth that you couldn’t describe. It felt so real. 

The sound of footsteps made you turn your head as you seen Sylus at the doorway with a plate of warm food. Your stomach growled. It felt like you haven’t eaten for days suddenly. And maybe you haven’t. Even as your body screamed for the food though you couldn’t be bothered. Not when the candle light was flickering against his face like that. Not when his eyes rivaled the fire of those same candles. Only one thought was on your mind right now. 

“What happened?” You said, trying to sound as stern as you could muster. You knew he would try to brush it under the rug. But you needed answers. To your question he only sat the tray of food on your lap, his eyes softer than usual as he looked at your face. Gently a hand cake to your cheek, brushing the softness of your skin. 

“Eat first.” He said, gentle but unwavering. “Then questions.” His hand lingered for a moment longer. Long enough for his facade to crack just slightly. Concern and worry flicker in those eyes. Your heart skipped a beat as you took a soft breath and did as he said. As you eat he sits on the end of the bed by your feet, his hand gently caressing your leg.

“You're not allowed to go off fighting on your own anymore.” His words were stern, sending a cold shiver through you. The sound of his voice though was almost strained as if he was trying to hold something back. “You are very capable, but I can't risk losing you.” He said his voice softer as his hand continued to rub your legs under the blanket. You couldn't really blame him for being so worried. You were on the brink of death. Which brought you to your next question. 

“Sylus.” You said softly, setting the food to the side as you moved to sit up more on the bed. “I was dying. I could feel it. How am i..” you paused trying to think of the words. “Not only alive, but there's not even a scratch on me.” You whispered, feeling your heart race with anticipation. 

Sylus didn't answer, as if he was trying to think of his own answer. Your mind thought back to the moments before you passed out. The fear. Your final thought being of him. And in the last second it was as if.. 

As if an angel appeared. 

As if a prayer was answered. 

Sylus must have noticed your eyes widened slightly at your thoughts. You body stiffening slightly as you looked at him. You moved to your knees, crawling over to him as if to examine him. He didn't flinch or speak. Your hands moved over his back softly. Even over his shirt it felt normal. And you've seen him shirtless enough times to know that he didn't have any outstanding scars on his back that would indicate.. 

“Are you looking for something, sweetie?” He finally said as you lifted his shirt to get a closer look. His voice was teasing and yet there was a slight edge to it. You didn't say anything as you pulled the shirt over his head, leaving him shirtless. Positioned behind him on the bed, sitting on your knees, you ran your hands over his back. Tracing where you thought you had seen the wings. Very faintly you heard Sylus take in a breath, the muscles of his back flexing. Your hands continued, beginning to trail down his spine. 

“You had wings.” You said finally, it was not a question. The tension in the room was thick enough that it was almost hard to breathe. A soft chuckle broke the long silence which didn't help.

“Kitten you were passed out by the time I found-” 

“No.” You said sternly. You weren't playing this game. Something came over you and you didn't know what. Suddenly moving from behind him, you used a hand to push him back onto the bed. In a second you were sitting on his chest looking down at him, frown on your face, eyes staring into his. The look of genuine surprise filled you with adrenaline. 

“We both know that I was awake. I know what I saw. And you had wings. Big. Black. Wings.” You said, each word enunciated. You seen a look that you never seen behind his eyes. Hesitation. It passed in a blink of an eye as he smirked, raising his eyebrows. Hands moved to your hips, fingers sinking into your skin. 

“Tell me, sweetie.” He said, his voice oozing with a condescending tone. “How exactly could I have wings? You just checked me. No wings, correct?” He said his voice confident and proud as ever. 

You looked down at him, hating the smug look on his face. You sounded insane but you knew what you had seen. Not only that, you didn't have a single scratch on you. You weren't even sore. You took a deep breath, preparing yourself for your next words. 

“You're an angel.” 

You didn't know what you expected but you really didn't expect the sound of him laughing. A deep guttural laugh. Your lips tightened into a thin line as you glared down at him. Was he mocking you? His eyes were filled with so much amusement. 

“I'm flattered, truly.” He said as he chuckled a few more times. “Humor me again kitten. Why would you think I'm an angel?” Sylus said, the laugh not reaching his eyes. Your body tensed. It felt like you said something you shouldn’t have. But you weren’t backing down. You weren’t going to let him gaslight you. Taking a deep breath you tried to not let your voice betray you. 

“First, you appeared when I called your name. Second, there isn’t a scratch on me even though I was dying. Third..” You trailed off not wavering your eyes from his. The tension was thick. Your third remark was only half a joke but you hoped it would help ease how tense everything was. “Third, you’re too pretty to be human.” You said with a half laugh but part of it truly resonated with you. It was said Lucifer was extremely handsome even after he became a fallen angel. Sylus’ eyebrow raised as he looked up at you as if processing your words. Just when you were about to think of something to say to break the silence he finally spoke. 

“I truly thought I was going to lose you.” He said softly. His expression changed as his hand moved to cup your cheek. Your breath caught softly. He didn’t deny it. Didn’t deny a single one of your words. “I never expected things to go this way, though when it comes to you, things are unpredictable.” He said sitting up, sliding you down to straddle his waist. “With how severe your injuries were, I didn’t think you would truly believe what you saw.” 

“So it’s true.” You whispered, your breath catching as you lifted a hand to caress his face. You trailed over his jaw, his cheek. “You’re an angel?” Your voice started to give away. You had dealt with the supernatural before. Wanderers, mermen, aliens, but angels? This was a new one. He leaned his cheek against your hand, his eyes soft as he chuckled, enjoying the look on your face. 

“Once I was. And now I am not. I suppose fallen angel is the correct term you would use.” He said, his thumb brushing the curve of your chin as his other hand held your waist. Tilting your head to look up at him, his voice dropped an octave, making you shiver. “Though the reason I've fallen… shall remain a secret for now.” He said as his forehead rested on yours, his breath grazing your lips. Your heart fluttered. He was so close. You couldn’t stop the temptation of closing the distance. 

The kiss was slow, tender. As if you had all of the time in the world. As you kissed him, the thumb on your chin moved to your cheek, holding you there as his lips embraced yours. Even as you kissed him though, one thought trailed through your mind. Painfully so. The memory of what you were sure was to be your final thought. Your biggest regret. Not telling Sylus that you loved him. 

You felt a rush of adrenaline rush through your body, your heart beginning to race as you broke the kiss, looking up at him. You tried to use words, your mouth opening but your brain wouldn’t cooperate. As he looked down at you, piercing red eyes staring down at you with a mix of curiosity and desire, you followed your instincts. You put your hand on his chest, gently tracing the defined muscles and skin that stretched across his body before you pushed him down onto his back. His eyes widened for a second, his hands moving to your hips as your lips found his again in a rougher, deeper kiss. 

Nails bit your sides as he gripped harder, your teeth pulling at his bottom lip before pushing your tongue into his mouth. One hand curled in his hair, pulling slightly as you made him lean his head back more so you could kiss him harder, deeper. Your hips circled against his quickly hardening cock. There weren’t many times you got to be on top like this, and you were going to take advantage of every second. You felt him groan against your lips as your hand kept a firm grip on his hair. Pulling away from this kiss, his bottom lip between your teeth as you did, you looked down at him. Panting slightly your voice dropped to a low whisper. 

“You are beautiful, aren’t you? My handsome angel.” You said as you leaned down to kiss the shell of his ear, teeth grazing the cartilage. “My own guardian angel.” You felt the shiver of his body under you, the hitch of breath. It clearly was a soft spot. One that you were going to prod and push until you couldn’t. Your lips moved down his neck, your hands trailing back over his chest as you gave a soft moan, letting yourself enjoy the feeling of his body under yours. His muscles twitched as your hands caressed him, lips kissing down his neck. “You really do like when I praise you, don’t you?” You whispered against his neck. 

You felt his hands grip your hips tighter as a shiver ran down his spine. His breath caught as you circled your hips again. It was as if you could feel him start to lose his composure under your touch. His voice was strained as he finally spoke. 

“You don’t want to know what happens when you call me that.” Sylus said, his hands moving to your thighs, groaning as you moved your hips against him again. You chuckled softly against his neck, lips kissing down to his shoulder. Your hands moved down his sides, nails gently scratching along his skin. 

“Oh, and what’s that, my angel?” You purred, your body moving lower down his. Lips at his nipple as you looked up to meet his eyes that were looking down at you. Eyes that watched as your tongue flicked out against the nipple and how you smirked at his small gasp. “Relax. Let me reward my guardian angel for saving me.” You whispered against his skin. 

Your tongue flicked his nipple again, hands moving to peel off his pants. As they were discarded with a little of his help, you moved your hand to the bulge that was hard between his thighs. A low goan echoed in the room as you began to shift his boxers down next, freeing him. Gently, your hand wrapped around his cock, twitching softly in your hand. His head leaned back as he groaned again, hips thrusting against your hand. 

“Oh, you do like that, don’t you? All I’ve done is call you a pretty angel and you’re hard for me.” You said looking down at him. There has only been a handful of times that you’ve been able to see him blush like this. And each time sends adrenaline through your system like a shockwave. It was like a drug. Especially as you kept stroking his cock, thumb rubbing against the tip that was beginning to leak. 

“Of course I do, kitten.” He groaned, looking up as you sat on his thighs. His hand moved against the skin of your inner thigh, tracing the outline or your panties. “How could I not when you’re on me like this, using such pretty words?” His voice was a low timber that made your hand around his cock tighten just a little. His mouth opened in a low moan, hips buckling slightly. You grinned down at him, eyes hungry. He was putty in your hands. 

His moan distracted you from his hands moving your panties to the side. Suddenly you gasped as his fingers grazed past your lips. Wasting no time he moved a finger inside you making you gasp out a moan. He buckled into your hand as he added a second finger quickly after the first, You moved your hips against his hand, eyes half closing as his thumb pressed against your clit. 

Suddenly you moved your hand from his cock, lifting your hips away from his fingers. His eyebrows knitted as he was about to make a comment before he saw you begin to adjust yourself over him. You see a fire behind his eyes ignite. Lowering yourself onto him you cried out, you both moaning in unison at the feeling. Slowly you lowered yourself all the way until you were sitting on his lap. Circling your hips, his hands came to grab them. In a swift motion you felt yourself be lifted slightly as if you were weightless before being brought back down onto him. 

Your eyes widened as you cried out, gasping from the feeling. His hips met the movement, a low moan fell from his lips as he lifted you a few more times, hips fucking up into you. You laid your chest against his, kissing him through your moans. You loved that he could handle you like this. Like you weighed nothing. His kiss was deep, rough, hungry, matching the vigor of his movements. 

You felt a gust of wind around you, gasping you pulled back slightly, looking up at Sylus. Spread out under him on the bed were those wings. Dark as night, the feathers having a vague red undertone. His movements slowed slowly, his cock still deep inside you as you reached out to brush your hand against the feathers. He gasped softly, you felt his cock twitch inside you. And as you did it again, your back was suddenly against the bed, hands above your head as he looked down at you. The dim candle light of the room illuminates his silhouette like a painting. Wings embracing you on each side of the bed. Closing you off from the world. The only thing you could see was him and him alone. 

“It’s polite to ask before you touch, sweetie.” He said, breath heavy as he moved his free hand to reposition him against you again. Before you could say anything he thrusted back inside you. Your legs wrapped around his waist and you felt the feathers brush against your skin. You couldn’t take your eyes off of the sight. His face flushed, body above yours as he fucked into you. Moaning and grunting with each thrust. You knew you wouldn’t last long but your orgasm rushed through you suddenly. Your eyes widened as you felt the coil in your stomach break, hips arching against him, his name on your lips. And then, not realizing it, another set of words followed. 

“I love you.” 

You gasped the words out in a heat of passion but you knew you genuinely believed them. But you couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed that this is the first time you said it. Sylus’ thrusts slowed as he looked down at you. His eyes suddenly soft, almost curious as his hand let go of your wrists to cup your face. Your words did not go unnoticed. And you could see that they had an effect on him. 

“I know.” He said gently, his nose brushing against yours. “But it is nice to hear you finally say it.” He whispered, lips brushing against yours as he tilted your head to meet his eyes. “I love you too.” 

His hips moved slowly, deeply. You gasped as your hands moved to claw his back, brushing against the area where the wings met his skin. He groaned softly, gasping. You couldn't stop touching the area again, fingers brushing and trailing along the sensitive wings. He didn’t pin your hands above your head this time, though. He let you continue as you felt his thrusts get more and more desperate. His body tensed under your hands. 

Sylus closed his eyes, moaning as his mouth opened with the sound of your name on his lips. Hips stuttering as he released inside you. He rode it out, gasping as you continued to touch and tease this new sensitive part of his body. After a few moments his movements stopped as he rested his forehead against yours. His eyes opened, seeing yours looking up at him. 

You arched up, kissing him softly. Pulling away you smiled, a hand cupping his cheek. 

“I love you.”

[abiomens]

i feel my heart decaying

paring: best friend!noah x fem!reader

content warning: angst, hurt/comfort, little bit of friends to lovers (?), cheating, negative mentions of body image, insecure reader.

a/n: kinda (very harshly) a self insert, not exactly. title is from break me! by maggie lindemann. do not continue under the cut if anything listed above may make you uncomfortable.

Words couldn’t describe how you felt when you walked into your apartment.

Anger, sadness, hurt. It felt like a knife was being drug through your chest with how bad it was. Your heart sunk to the pit of your stomach when you saw them. Your boyfriend, David, with her. The girl he claimed he didn’t love anymore, the girl he left for you 2 years ago.

You could feel the hot tears beginning to stream down your cheeks, watching the way David kissed and grabbed her. The sound of you clearing your throat made him pull away frantically, eyes going wide at the sight of you standing by the doorway.

He was pulling away from her and blubbering apologies, trying to get closer to you, but you weren’t having it. That girl did nothing but look at you with a smirk, deep green eyes piercing your soul. Her bright red lipstick was smeared and all over Davids lips, the ones you loved to feel mold against yours every day.

All you could muster up was a broken “we’re over.” He looked pained, but it was his fault. He invited her over, he had a few drinks with her knowing her intentions. He still loved her. He used you to get over her.

You could hear him call after you when you slipped past him and down the hall to your shared room. You bit back a sob when you looked around the room, pictures of the both of you on the walls, the lingering sent of his cologne.

The faint sound of David and the girls voice rung out the apartment, but you couldn’t make out whatever they were arguing about. With shaky hands, you grabbed your phone out of your jacket pocket and managed to click on the one contact you thought of.

Noah.

He had just dropped you off from his house, but you needed to get away from this situation, from them. You could figure out what to do tomorrow.

Your nerves immediately soothed a bit when his voice came through the other line, smooth and calm.

“Hey angel, perfect timing! you left your- wait, are you okay?”

He immediately knew something was wrong when he could vaguely hear yelling and your sniffling. “Can you come back and get me? Please? I-I’ll explain everything then.”

You tried not to sound so sad, so broken, but you couldn’t fight it. Your chest felt so tight and your vision was blurry.

“You can stay the night or for however long you need, I’ll be over in ten.”

A small “okay,” was all that came out before he hung up.

It wasn’t pretty when you told Noah what happened. He was practically fuming, trying so hard to not punch David. Noah kept it in though, helping you pack a bag and managing to get you out of the place without David begging you to stay.

Noah even buckled you in, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. It made your heart flutter a little, but the rest of you felt so numb. You brushed it off as your brain fucking with you.

You were pulled out of your thoughts by a tattooed hand squeezing your thigh softly, almond shaped eyes gazing into your own. “How you feelin’, angel?” You looked at Noah blankly for a second, breaking the eye contact and looking down at his hand.

“Just.. numb, I guess. t’was the last thing I expected to happen.” He frowned deeply at your words. He saw the signs before you did, how David was getting distant, how he was coming home way later than usual and using work as an excuse.

You wanted to believe him so bad, you wanted to stay with him, but..

He ripped your heart right out of your chest when he was the one that slowly healed and put you back together at the same time. He always reassured you that he only loved you, that he thought you were beautiful when you picked at yourself.

He always told you he loved you. Always. Then he pulls that.

You wanted to be mad, you wanted to yell at him and tell him to pack his stuff and get out, but you couldn’t. You still had love for him, it hurt so bad to see him go away, even when he jabbed the knife farther into your gut.

That stupid fucking smirk she had on her pretty face. You couldn’t be bothered to remember her name, you didn’t care. She was slim and pretty, long redish-orange hair and deep green eyes. Long legs and confident. Everything you weren’t.

Your gaze slowly trailed to Noah when you realized he had turned to face you in his seat, lacing your fingers with his in both hands. His practically swallowed yours whole; they fit together perfectly. Maybe too perfect.

“I’m sorry, y/n. You seriously don’t deserve any of this. Again, you can stay with me for as long as you need. You can stay in my room if you want, or the spare. You know the guys love having you over.”

That was true. Folio especially loves causing chaos with you, Nick always shows you what he’s working on when it comes to the tattoo shop, and Jolly is always up to teaching you how to play guitar. They always welcome you with open arms, especially Noah. You’ve known him and Nick the longest, but there’s always been something more with Noah.

He’s your best friend. You love him more than anything.

Would he tell you he’s had feelings for you for years now? No. Has he contemplated on just doing it so you can finally realize he’s the one for you? Maybe. He doesn’t wanna risk pushing you away.

He loves you too much.

It was already late when Noah came back to get you again, so everyone was asleep when you guys got there. Well, except for Nick. He was the only one up when Noah left, so he somewhat knew about what happened.

It was obvious, so obvious that he wanted to punch David in the face, beat him until he was black and blue. Noah wanted to as much as he did, but you were exhausted. Mentally and physically. Always overworking yourself and barley getting any sleep, constantly up at night worrying about David and wondering where he is, if he even loved you anymore.

Nick gave you a big hug the second you came into view. He and Noah had set a plate aside for you when Jolly made dinner, but you felt like you would vomit if you ate anything right then.

“I’ll be in my room drawing if you two need anything,” and he was off. Everything felt like some sort of haze, your mind was foggy. You couldn’t really register Noah slinging your bag over his shoulder and wrapping his arm around your waist, walking you up the stairs to his bedroom. You murmured in the car that you wanted to stay in his room, you felt safe with him.

It made his heart melt and his tummy swarm with butterflies, hearing those few simple words.

“You’re my safe space.”

It made him happy, he couldn’t fight the smile that spread on his face. He kissed your knuckles, something he always did, no matter the circumstances. Sometimes he did it to piss off David, others he did it just cause. Your skin is just so soft, he loves feeling it under his palms and fingertips when you show skin every once in a while.

You suddenly found yourself in Noah’s arms on his bed, head tucked against his chest. You basked in the warmth of it, pulling him as close as you could get him. The soft sound of his voice rung in the room and vibrated through his chest.

“Y/n? You wanna change into something more comfortable?” You wanted to, you wanted to get up and do at least something cause Noahs done it all the past two hours, but it felt like you were glued onto him. You didn’t have the energy to move even in the slightest. All you could manage was a muffled “‘can’t do it on m’own.”

He figured you’d say that, theres been multiple times that he’s had to slip you into something more comfortable. Either cause you were drunk, which was a rare occurrence, or something like this. No energy. Too exhausted. He gently moved you off him, chuckling at the small pout on your lips. Its not your fault he’s so warm and comfy.

“‘Gonna grab a hoodie and something out of your bag, okay? It’ll only be a second.” Reluctantly, you nodded. He was back in no time with a pair of your shorts and his hoodie. It was the Bad Omens gun one, your favourite. It practically swallows you whole.

Your nerves immediately soothed when the warmth of his palms settled on your shoulders, rubbing softly. You had to relax somehow, you’re tense. Really tense. It was making you feel so sleepy, so when he pulled away and tugged on the hem of your shirt a little, you were- needless to say -pouting again.

Noah just chuckled again, lifting your arms and pulling off the fabric. He was quick but gentle with his movements, and couldn’t help how his eyes trailed over your chest and stomach. It was only for a second, but god he always found you beautiful. His pretty little best friend.

He pulled the hoodie over your head and helped pull your arms through the sleeves, to anyone else it probably would’ve looked weird to see your best friend slipping off your jeans- but it was normal for the both of you. Noah was just giving you a helping hand, he always does. You always comfort him when he needs it, always gives him reassurance, anything he ever needs.

You’re always there for him, and he’ll always do the same for you.

You were dozing in and out of sleep, snuggling as close as humanly possible into Noah’s chest. You refused to let go of him, but he wasn’t complaining. He’s just so comfortable and warm, and you like warm. The faint sound of Hannibal played in the background, the feeling of Noah’s fingers gently running through your hair and scratching at your scalp lulled you further into your sleepy state.

You were half on top of him, legs tangled together and arms wrapped tightly around him. Sleep finally took you and let you fall into a deep sleep, and you could’ve sworn you felt Noah’s lips press against your forehead. You didn’t have the energy to say anything.

He knew the guys would tease him in the morning if they saw the two of you like this, limps tangled together and your face buried in his chest, his own pressed against the top of your head. But he didn’t care, having his favorite girl in his arms was all that was on his mind.

[bea-ce]

If only I could make you believe you deserve everything

pairing: kaveh x reader (can be read platonically or romantically)

genre: hurt/comfort, angst

summary: life is awful at times. very much so that you end up falling back to bad habits to get you through it. luckily, you have kaveh to help you guide back to the right track.

word count: 4.2k

notes: hii!! first post! (and its hurt/comfort RAHHHH) kaveh might be a little ooc as i havent gotten to him in the archon quest yet, so i apologize for that in advance! i poured my heart and soul and my own personal experiences into this,,  i apologize if the comfort is a lil wonky.

title is inspired by Nicole Dollanganger’s song “Please Eat”.

trigger warning(s): mentions of ed/having an ed, descriptive experience of having an ed, mentions of relapsing into unhealthy coping mechanisms, self inflicted harm (self harm), descriptions of self-contempt, descriptions of feelings of unworthiness.

let me know if i missed any warnings

It had been a while since the last time you’d done this. The thought of even returning back to this state was beyond you. Everything had been going so well it seemed. Sure, life still threw inconveniences towards you, but you handled them just fine, you thought.

Clearly not, as you’re now back to restraining yourself from eating and indulging yourself from something that’s vital for you to live. You knew the risks of refusing yourself food, you’d read all about the consequences and health risks of starving yourself.

Yet that is the precise reason you’re doing this.

You know how harmful this is and you know it’s bad. The knowledge of the dangers and harm in doing it is exactly why you continue doing it though: It’s your punishment. A sigh escapes your lips as you try concentrating on the paper that lay before you instead of the numbness that starts taking over your legs and the quivering of your hand. There isn’t any way for you to not notice how your body is screaming out for something to eat. It’s constantly reminding you as your vision is clouded with dark spots whenever you move and how your body shakes as you do any everyday task. Despite its cries for food, you ignore it and open the lid to the water bottle beside you and empty half of it to ignore the ache in your stomach due to its emptiness. 

It helps, somewhat, as it fools your stomach for sometime at least. In a shaky motion you place the water bottle beside the pile of assignments you have to finish before the end of this week. 

It’s difficult to get anything done when the ache in your stomach extends to the rest of your body, making the most simple task like reading over the text presented in front of you and writing down notes feeling so incredibly demanding on your body. A groan escapes your lips as you lean back into the chair and drag your hand across your face in annoyance. You need to finish these assignments, yet you can’t. Everything feels so hazy and your mind is blank, unable to think of anything other than the feeling of hunger growing more intense.

The bustling from the kitchen can be heard all the way into your room. Usually at this hour you’d sit by the kitchen table and eat with Alhaitham and Kaveh, but you’ve locked yourself away in your room, drowning yourself in work to ignore the deep wretched feelings that linger within you. A faint knock on the door echoes throughout the room as a voice calls out from the other side. It’s Kaveh’s voice, calling out to you. "(Y/N)?" Your name is muffled by the closed door as you turn around in your seat to look at the source of the sound. There stands Kaveh, holding a plate with food in his hand while the other one is still gripping onto the door handle.

Your eyes quickly scan his face before they dart down to look at the plate he’s holding.

It’s too much, you think as you look at the contents of the food. Numbers appear inside your head the longer you stare at the plate, feeling repulsed at the thought of putting anything in your mouth and fulfilling your hunger at the cost of the imaginary numbers going up.

You turn around to face the paper you’ve been staring blankly at for the last hour, waving Kaveh off. “I’ve already eaten.” You answer courtly. You haven’t, but telling him you weren’t hungry wasn’t an option. Kaveh would be reluctant had you answered that you weren’t hungry and placed the food by your table instead. The thought alone that he might do that makes you want to cry and scream in panic. You can’t risk letting yourself indulge in the food that he’s made: You must go through with your own punishment.

Kaveh sighs and grabs the door handle, about to leave and close the door before the sound of your stomach growling bounces off the walls. He stops in his tracks as his grip on the plate tightens. You can feel his eyes boring into your back as you tense up at how your stomach contradicts your words from earlier. A deep terror stirs within you as your thoughts wander off to all the possible reactions you might receive from the blond man at the revelation. You hear how he shuffles behind you and closes the door behind him as he approaches you. You dare not to turn around to look at him, instead you hold up your face above the paper and stare intently onto it, trying to focus on the words that dance around across the paper to ignore Kaveh’s look of pity and concern.

Kaveh is standing right next to you, his grip on the plate is so incredibly tight that his knuckles have gone white. His eyes are soft and laced with worry as he looks down on you, and to be honest; he’s not sure how to handle this situation he’s being faced with right now. He places the plate next to your bedside table instead of the table in front of you, knowing better than shoving unwanted food up your face. It’s not what you need right now.

Kaveh sits on the side of your bed, boring his eyes into the back of your head as he waits for you to do the first move, to begin the conversation. He doesn’t want to scare you off now that he’s found out. He can feel the pain within you. He can see the hurt and the desperation, but he has no words to fill the silence. He doesn't know how he could possibly help you, but he wants to. More than that, he wants to try.

“I’m fine” you try to subside the situation, playing it off to only being a one time thing when it’s clear to the both of you that it isn’t. 

Kaveh interrupts you. “You’re not fine.” Kaveh still has the same gentleness to him, but there’s a certain amount of firmness to his words too. It leaves no room for you to slither your way out of his confrontation. “Are you hurting yourself? Are you starving yourself?”

The words feel like he had just physically assaulted you, as if he had pulled out a knife and stabbed you in the chest while twirling the knife around inside of your heart. The words feel as if Kaveh had just falsely accused you of a crime you hadn’t committed. 

But the two of you know better than that. You both know that the reason you feel so attacked is because Kaveh is calling you out, and rightfully so.

“No! No. I am not starving myself.” The words come out much harsher than you had intended them to be, sounding defensive and giving yourself away to Kaveh. The pile of paperwork that needs to be done stares at you mockingly as you look down on the paper in front of you that is still blank.

“I’m just- I don’t want to eat.” It’s half the truth. You do in fact not want to eat, but it’s for all the wrong reasons you don’t want to eat. Kaveh sighs as he gets up from your bed and walks up behind you. For a moment he almost reaches out to you, but he draws his hand back and places it on your chair instead of your shoulder, like he had intended to. He’s reluctant to touch you. In this moment right now, you’re fragile, and he must tread carefully so as to not break you.

“Do you think I don’t see it?” His voice is gentle, but there’s a certain edge to it. It cuts right through any excuses that might slip past your mouth to escape this conversation neither of you want to have. The words have you cornered, and as if you were reliving an experience much like this -where you were confronted and you admitted, only to be rejected from the care and help you needed- you feel a need to run away from him. To run away from your home, from the house, run, run and run. But where would you run? There’s no way for you to run away from him, and even if you did: Where would you run? 

Would you even have the energy to run away from him with the way your vision would cloud with black spots covering your sight and with the way your legs feel numb?

Reality hits you like a brick as you realize that Kaveh has you cornered and at his mercy.

A hitched breath escapes your lips as you feel your hands and feet going cold along with being overcome by dreadfulness as the situation you’re in slowly sinks in.

“This is unhealthy, and you know it, don’t you?” It’s not much of a question really. His voice is firm, trying to cover up his own shakiness as your condition dawns upon him. “Please.. could you talk to me?” he pleads, letting his hand fall from the chair, down to your shoulder giving it a comforting squeeze. The contact makes you flinch as it pulls you back from your swarm of thoughts, back into the present with him. The words seem stuck in your mouth, suffocating you and preventing you from voicing your thoughts and feelings that you’re left only shaking your head at his request of opening up. Kaveh lets out a sigh as he lets his hand fall from your shoulder. For a moment, you think he’s given up on you and will leave you alone to deal with your misery by yourself; the thought causes you both pain and relief. Instead, he walks around your chair and crouches next to you as he looks up to you from below.

“Please. Talk to me.” he begins as he balances himself on the armrest all while tilting his head up at you. “What can I do to help you? You can tell me anything.”

“I don’t know!” you finally exclaim as your face falls into your hands. You inhale shakily as Kaveh continues to inspect your face for something, anything.

“I don’t.. know.”

Everything around you spins like an unpleasant merry-go-round ride as your vision becomes clouded by the black spots appearing before you.

One of the consequences of not eating, you suppose.

How you wished that you could’ve kept this secret from him a little longer. Long enough for him to not have to have this confrontation with you right now.

Kaveh can only feel pity as he looks at you. You look so fragile right now, so weak. It hurts him to see you so, to see your body shaking from your hunger.

He has a question that he wants to ask, but he feels afraid to. You don't owe him anything, he supposes. 

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" How do you ask someone why they are harming themselves? How do you say that without it coming across in a terrible way? Kaveh had an immense sense of empathy, but even that had its limits.

"I deserve it." 

The words slip out your mouth with ease, as if the question had no other answer but that. Tears that you had been holding back from the moment your secret was out swell up in your eyes and threaten to fall down on the blank, empty paper sheet that should’ve been filled in by now. The dripping of your tears resounds in your head and you pray that Kaveh doesn’t hear how you’re covering your paperwork in tears.

"I deserve it." You repeat the words shakily this time as a sob finally manages to escape your mouth. All you want to do is make yourself as small as possible so you can just vanish from the earth’s surface. But you can’t.

So you do the next best thing, which is curling yourself into a ball while you let the tears flow down your cheeks as your entire form tenses up and shakes from the anguish you feel inside of you.

Several feelings washes over Kaveh. Ones of confusion, concern and guilt.

You don't deserve this. 

Nobody deserves to feel so low. And you are so, so very low: starving yourself just as a punishment.

He can't help but feel pity for you. The words come out before he can even stop them from slipping past his lips: "Why do you deserve it?"

He's trying to be kind and supportive, he really is, but it's painfully hard for him to find the right words. It’s difficult seeing a loved one tear themselves apart in front of him all while thinking they deserve to suffer and break.

His question is one not even you can answer. It’s a question that you’ve pondered about whenever you’ve come to your senses after having breakdowns much like these, and each time you’re left with no answer. There's only that part of you, that little tiny voice in the back of your head that tells you that you deserve nothing less than pain and suffering. That this is the only way for you to get rid of the mental turmoil you experience on a daily basis. 

That the only way to get rid of the emotional and mental pain is to double the physical pain, and what easier way is there to feel physical pain if it isn’t to inflict it upon yourself; by yourself?

How do you help someone who believes that?

It's not like you can just tell them that they don't deserve it. How could he ever convince you that you’re wrong? How can he convince you that there's a better way than starving and hurting yourself? 

How is any of this supposed to be okay for you?

"(Y/N)," he calls out your name, the sound of his voice pleading yet somehow still kind, "(Y/N). There is no reason to hurt yourself. You deserve better."

As if you weren’t already curled into a ball you only manage to make yourself smaller as you cry, your entire form shaking. It's not till now that he's so up close to you that he sees how your body is covered in goosebumps and the bruises that linger across your body. They look self-inflicted and Kaveh can't help but let out a wince as he looks at the bruises that cover your skin.

He tries his hardest to contain his horror at seeing what you’ve done to herself. It looks so painful, so terrible, but it's clear from your shivering, from your shaking, from the way your face crumples - from the way you curl up into a ball so easily - that this isn't your first time.

You’re hurting, and at your own hand.

He doesn't know how to process that. He has never seen anyone do this to themselves. He can't imagine how any of this could be good.

Your grip on your legs only grows tightens as you cry into your knees, on the verge of wailing from feeling how your heart aches. It’s as if someone is tightening their grip on your already fragile heart, and it hurts so very much.

You could handle feeling hungry, and you could handle inflicting pain upon yourself, littering your body with bruises to show for it. Yet you couldn’t handle the feelings inside of you that were crushing you and tearing you apart. You had learnt to handle your inner turmoil by ignoring the feelings until they grew so great that the only way to rid yourself of the demons surrounding you was to hurt them through yourself.

The relief was only temporary, sure, but you’d do anything for the moment of peace in your inferno called your own mind.

He sighs heavily, the sound filled with regret and pity. Kaveh doesn’t say anything and remains looking up to your face as you quickly unravel before him. 

This is beyond him. He doesn't know how to comfort you- how to help you. He has no idea what to say or what to do. It’s all so overwhelming - all these feelings of fear and confusion and pity and care - that he doesn't even know how to begin to process, let alone express.

He places a gentle, comforting hand on your knee as you continue to cry. You’re so up in your own thoughts and emotions that you can’t get yourself to pull away from his touch.

It’s not that his touch wasn’t comforting. It was very comforting. And that was exactly why you wanted to pull away from his touch.

You don’t deserve that kind of comfort.

"I'm sorry.." the words come out so weak, putting your broken state on full display for Kaveh. A sob escapes your mouth as you try your best regaining your composure to no avail. Each breath you try and take control over gets interrupted by a sob or a gasp for air.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry” you repeat as you burrow your face further into your knees. Your words are slurring as you’re choking back your cries to get the words out of your mouth.

Kaveh doesn't even understand what you could possibly have to be sorry for. You've done nothing wrong. You've committed no sins worth feeling so terrible for. 

But how does he tell you that? How could he convince you of the truth that appears so clearly to him but isn’t as obvious for you?

He doesn't.

How does he convince you to get past these terrible feelings of wrongness, when you’re so very convinced that it's your punishment? How does he convince you to give yourself kindness and care, when you believe yourself so unworthy? How does he make you realize that this isn't your fault, that you haven't done anything that deserves all of this?

Kaveh moves closer to you - so carefully, so slowly. As if you’re something fragile, to be treated with respect and care. Because you are fragile. You’re hurt, and you’re so, so small. All he wants to do is to hold you, to bring you comfort, to hug you, to hold you in his arms. He just wants to lift your heavy burden off of your shoulders. But he doesn’t reach out to do any of that, it doesn’t feel appropriate to do so right now as you’re sobbing in front of him and curling yourself into a ball.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he says quietly. "You're hurting yourself, and that can't be okay. Please," he adds, his voice pleading, "Let me try to help you. You don't have to do this. You don't deserve to do this."

You had always had a hard time accepting other people’s kindness and comfort, it was extremely difficult for you to understand and wrap your head around the concept of being treated with decency and care from another being without expecting anything back in return. The feelings overwhelm you and you feel how you want to throw up from Kaveh’s attentiveness, it’s all too much for you.

You’d rather have him walk out on you and leave you in your pitiful state to fend for yourself. It’s what you’re used to. And when he breaks what you consider a norm, your world falls apart with it.

The tears flow down your cheeks as if they’ll never come to an end. 

Kaveh can see it from the way you gasp and wail when his words of care finally register.

It’s written all over your face - your pain, your hurt - it’s clear that you’re not used to being treated with such care and attention. It’s clear that this isn’t something you’re used to; it’s clear that you’re not used to having someone trying to help you.

It breaks Kaveh’s heart to see you struggle like this. He doesn’t know how he can get you to accept this treatment from him, from anyone.

He wants nothing in return; he only wants to help. How can he get you to understand that? How could he ever assure someone that they’re deserving of unconditional care and love when that very someone is so fully convinced that they deserve pain? 

"You need help," he says quietly. "Let me help you."

Why do you deserve to suffer, to hurt yourself, when you’ve done nothing wrong? Why are you so cruel to yourself? Kaveh lets the thought wander in his head for some time before he shakes his head in disbelief. He can’t come to any reasonable conclusion as to why you’d be so cruel to yourself. He could only speculate.

Is this why you hurt yourself? The thought intrudes him, as he tries to stay focused on comforting you.

Because you feel like you don’t deserve kindness?

But why? Why wouldn't you deserve kindness? This isn't because of any mistakes you’ve made, is it? Has someone made you believe this? Or is it something that you’ve always thought? Either way, you’re wrong. You deserve kindness. You deserve the world. 

You deserve to be treated well.

"You deserve so much better," he says quietly, "You aren't pitiful. I promise you that you are so much more than what you tell yourself you are." 

Kaveh places his hands on top of yours as he rubs comforting circles with his thumb on the back of your palms. Another sob escapes your lips at his attempts to soothe your ache. He can feel the way you tremble under his hands as he gives you a gentle squeeze of comfort to stabilize your quivering form, even if it's just by a little bit. He keeps rubbing, still trying to help you. Neither of you say anything and the only thing to be heard in the room is the sound of your rapid breathing and hitched sobs. And while the tremors still persist, your sobs are becoming less frantic. He thinks he might be comforting her just slightly, but it's good enough for now. At least it’s a start. 

Kaveh wants to say something, but he doesn't know what to say. He's never been in a situation like this before. He doesn't want to sound like an idiot. But he also doesn't want to stay silent.

He cannot bear to see you like this, and he doesn't want to imagine how much pain you’ve been carrying for you to end up here like this. 

He wants so badly for you to be okay. He wants nothing more than to give you his care and comfort. Kaveh gets up from his crouching position and feels his legs tingle from sitting like that for so long, but he ignores it. It’s not important right now. What is, is you and your wellbeing. 

He assumes that if you responded positively to having him rub your hand, then maybe you'd respond better to affectionate comfort. Kaveh is reluctant at first. A hug is much more personal, much more intimate than drawing circles on someone's palm. So he asks.

"Is it okay if I hug you?"

You tense up at the request reluctantly. Granted, you and Kaveh would usually greet one another by giving a quick hug with a pat on the back before getting to it. But this was different. Much different from those lighthearted moments you’d share before you go off to wherever you had planned on doing for the day, whether that was taking a walk amongst the streets of the city or just enjoying one another's presence as you work deliberately.

You’re hesitant, and Kaveh is about to reassure you that it’s fine if you don’t want to until he sees a small nod coming from you. Your eyes quickly dart down to meet his before you avert your gaze from him, feeling the shame and embarrassment crawl along your back amongst the other feelings that roam inside of you.

Kaveh is quick to act as he pulls you into his embrace. 

He holds you protectively, as if he just holds you close enough to him he'll be able to shield you from the cold, cruel world that's hurt you so. You just want to hold on to him. Just wants him to hold you, to hug you and hold you close to him. 

The warmth is so comforting, so very comforting that the little voice in your head tells you that you aren't worthy of this kind of affection. That you don’t deserve to be cared for like this, and a part of you still holds onto that truth. Despite that, you cling onto him as if he were your lifeline, the very last thread that was keeping you from floating away. You want this- you’ve been yearning for someone to hold you like this, and even though a loud part of you disagrees- that part of you that tells you that you’re not deserving of this- you can’t help but bask in his warmth that he provides for you.

The plate on your bedside table catches his eye, long forgotten. The food had obviously gone cold by now. Whatever, Kaveh thinks. It doesn’t matter, he can always just warm it up later. What matters is that he helps you back on your feet and support you through this. 

You don’t have to fend for yourself anymore. He’s here now, and he’ll help you through it. He may not be capable of chasing away your demons for you, but you’ll always have his endless support.

He’ll spend an eternity if it means he could make you believe that you deserve everything.

[cybersp4c3]

1+2

Scara was leaving the tavern after an evening of being the taverns whore, his clothes were ripped and his red cape was the only thing keeping him from being fully naked besides his ripped shirt and long socks. As he walked through the forest, moving through the thick snow he ran into a home that had a running fire as he saw via the chimney. As he goes in and locks the door behind him he sees a man looking right at him. A werewolf. Scara froze, unknowing what to do. He was already shaky from the tavern and the snow was an added layer and as he looked up that tall wolf he passed out. He woke up in a soft bed, a bowl of soup next to him and into some new clothes. They couldn’t fit him but he still felt safe somehow, like this random man actually cared for him. After he ate his soup and went to find the man that took him, he finds him. Shirtless, he has just returned from getting some firewood and it was great timing cause a blizzard had approached. Scara’s face green red as his pussy begain to get increasing wet as he thought dirty. thoughts of the man. Of him knotting inside him and trapping all his cum inside and feeling bloated cause of it. Him biting all over him as he marks his body and sucking his tits till his nipples are swollen. These thoughts flooded his mind this that wolf man looked at him. “Are you alright?” he asked, his voice was deep and rough “I’m fine just tired, thank you for taking me in..How could I repay you?” Scara asked, moving his hands on his chest. “I didn’t mind helping, but is something in your mind?” He asked, feeling scara pressing his slutty body press against him, his hand touching his cock. “You..you saved and I’m ready to repay..” This wolf man couldn’t really say no to him. His body now, his body when he changed his clothes. He was a gem and he wasn’t going to let life steal him away. “Well than..repay your debts.”

Even as the tavern whore, nothing could prepare him for the size of his cock. As Scara slowly went down on his cock he felt his hole being slowly stretched. His mind numbing with the pleasure running through his body. “C-can’t fit..fuck..so big..” Scara released as his soft pants and moans for more filled the home. The wolf man, growing impatient of scara gently moving Scara down on himself, his thick cock pressing against his stomach. Scaras moans went from quiet and faint to loud and broken as Scara begins to ride him. The wolf man’s cock going in and out of him slowly before speeding up. Scaras mind and body numbed to the wolf man. “Harder..~! C-can’t think anymore~!” Scara moaned loudly, the wolf man beginning to growl as he got closer. “Please.~! Please.~!!” Scara begged, wanting his release. With a growl, He came deep within Scara, if he wasn’t pregnant than he was now. His used pussy full to the brim with the wolf mans cum, he’s not going back to that tavern, not because he’s stuck, but because he’s addticed to cock. When isn’t he?

-🛁

Going insane, back in my scara era.

He needs a sexy wolf man to put him in his place

[ohitsjordynn]

[ellie williams, female reader, no use of y/n]

cold hands.

the sounds of giggling filled the room to the brim. the sun was lighting up the world with its accompanies cool breeze. butterflies and birds decorated the outside air and it was perfect. everything was perfect.

the sight of her smile really did set your heart on fire. how could someone possibly be so pretty?

you laugh again, “i cannot believe i only met you a couple days ago!”

“i know! i feel like i’ve known you forever,” she sighs before looking back at you with a grin.

you’re smiling so much your cheeks hurt but you couldn’t care less. it was such a good feeling, being with her. you’ve never felt like this before.

“i was literally just thinking that!” you exclaims.

she stops in front of you to shine you her boyish smile, “great minds think alike, yeah?”

your heart flutters and you stumble on your words. ellie williams is such a charmer. “you get me so well. what, are you stalking me?” you joke, raising an accusatory eyebrow.

Ellie cackled before taking your face into the palms of her hands, “no, stop playing! i can feel the spark we have. you’re perfect.”

you gasped, “you don’t mean that!”

“I do! I mean it. C’mon look at me!!”

“babe, look at me please,” she begs, her voice cracking. you could hear her choked up sobs and wheezing lungs. you could hear each crack and shatter in her heart and it hurt you more than the feeling on your body going numb.

god, you wanted to look at you. you wanted to look at her so bad. you couldn’t bring yourself to. you were scared that it’d be the last time you would.

“baby please…” she sobbed.

you opened your eyes and could barely hold yourself together. her face was turning red, damn her purple. the cold and frost leaving no trace of her freckles. completely washing away where the sun kissed her soft skin. you could see every shaky breath she took as she held back her cries. “i’m scared,” you whispered, tears almost freezing up as they rolled down your face.

“i know, sweet girl. i know we’re trapped in here and we might not make it but i want you to know that i love you so fucking much okay?” she says, her frozen-over hands cup your face.

you sob. how is it that, trapped under all this snow, freezing, that her touch can still give you such a warm feeling? “i don’t wanna lose you…”

she shakes her head, snowflakes falling from her auburn tresses. “you’re not losing me baby. okay? i love you. i love you more than every star in the sky and i’m going to love you every bit even after we die. i’ll love you in the next life and the next after.”

“do you really mean that?” you say as you move yourself into her embrace. everything hurts. the numbing feeling hurts worse than the frost bite. but, gosh, does it all go away with her. you press your head on her chest to hear her heart beat. it’s slow and faint but steady. you cry and hug her tighter.

“i do baby, i mean it with my whole heart and mind and body. i mean it with every fucking thing i have left in me.” she says, thumb stroking your shoulder until she stops moving.

and so does her heart.

“oh my goodness, you’re crying!” ellie exclaims, immediately using her thumb to wipe your warm tears.

“am i?” you say, moving your gaze to her green eyes.

“i’m so sorry, sweet girl. i didn’t mean to make you cry…” ellie whispers as she holds your hands. the two of you look at each other for a moment. a silence overcoming the two of you.

and, for a moment, your heart stops. and then it flutters. your stomach flips and a smile creeps onto your face. “don’t worry, el. your touch just… felt kind of familiar.”

“it did?”

“yeah…” you say. you chuckle and grab her hand, interlocking your fingers with hers. you begin to skip down the sidewalk with her. “well, are you hungry for anything? my treat?”

ellie laughs, “yeah as if! and are your hands always this cold?”

your eyes sparkle and you giggle, the sore feeling in your cheeks making its way to again, “are you kidding?! i was just thinking that!”

[timbrhead]

metanoia. | pt 06 - so i cry, and i pray and i beg

𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨:

>> welcome, my name is 𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐚, and ill be your scriptwriter (^‿^✿). my story will be kind of an choose-your-own-adventure story with a poll at the end of every part, where you can vote how the story continues.

this will be honkai star rail x fireader story with these elements: reincarnation, slow burn, i gave reader a proper personality (sry, not much customisation there), does not follow the original storyline

previous part <<<

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 ( this is important )

descriptions of injuries, mentions of barfing, drugging, implied violence towards reader

it was undoubtedly her.

she was kneeling, with your head gently resting on her small lap. her cheeks were reddened and hollowed out, and the more you looked at her, the more injuries you could see; cuts, gashes. a swollen wrist. you could feel your heart twisting terribly at the sight of her. she blinked, like she was just finished loading in your brain, before a small smile stretches across her face.

„ sis… “

she croaked out, her voice terribly dry. her eyes were heavy and swollen, possibly from crying. she gently cupped your cheek, her soft hand caressing your face. it was scarred, you noticed. it wasn’t that of a child anymore.

„ i…i thought that i had lost you…“

she muttered out, tears prickling up in her eyes. you squirmed at that, your breath hitching as you felt a sharp pain jolting through your body. your breathing grew laboured, and you looked down at your body, panicked. you only had rags covering your body, the once white cloth dirty and bloodied. you looked down further, noticing that your leg was horribly disfigured. it was purple and swollen, and you could see that you had broken your ankle.

„ they did a number on you, back there… “

the small girl interrupts you, her voice shaky and unstable. you could see her squeezing her eyes shut, possibly reliving the horrible memory. her bottom lip wabbered horribly, before she sucked in her breath. she was barely holding it together. she was trying her hardest not to cry, her hands desperately squeezing your hand that you offered her.

„ i-i was scared, mei. scared that i lost you. “

she stammered out, making your head pound and sting as you tried to remember. what was she talking about? you tried to sit up, wincing at the stinging pain you felt all across your body. your sister helped you up, frantically leaning you against the rough wall of the cell you were in.

your vision was terribly blurry, and from the amount of pain you felt, it almost felt like you would pass out again. everything just hurt, so, so terribly, so much that in some places, you just felt numb. your lungs felt like it was being squeezed shut, your limbs possibly paralysed. you felt blood dripping from the back of your head and staining the child’s clothes.

it becoming hard to focus, terribly so, with you exploding for air with every breath and your mind spinning endlessly. the cries of your sister were just a faint echo at this point. she laid your head down gently, before hurrying over to the bars of the cell.

just where were you?

„ —lp ! help ! my—my sister is…!“

you could hear the child draw in a breath, preparing to scream.

„ my sister is dying ! “

your ears were pounding in your head in the same rhythm as your sister was rattling against the cell, desperate for help. after a while of that, she seemed to notice something, making her rush towards you, cupping your face. she gently slapped against your reddened cheek, trying to keep you from falling unconscious.

„ waitwaitwaitwait— please, just for a little longer, please— help is on the way, so-“

she couldn’t even finish her sentence before her hands left your face, replaced with larger, gloved ones. ones that weren’t warm at all. seems like your sister got yanked away by …someone. you could barely make out some instructions being barked out, before your swollen face was roughly yanked up. you couldn’t even make out the face of the man that forced a pill down your throat.

it burned— you sputtered and coughed as they forced the medicine down your throat, making you swallow it with your own barf threatening to bubble up. you could feel yourself grow panicked, thrashing and gasping around, grasping for something to hold on to, your breath uneven and labored, gasping and fighting for air to prevent yourself from falling unconscious.

dark spots appeared in your vision, alongside flashing lights, making you shut you eyes closed, like that would do anything.

after a while though, it seemed like you swallowed, and the people let you thud down on the ground, leaving with steady steps. they disappeared as fast as they came. for a moment, you just laid there, gasping for air. you could feel your breathing slowly growing more stable, and you felt more and more numbness coursing through your body that replaced the pain.

you sigh, feeling a mild feeling of relief over not dying from pain. after a while, you heard someone perk up, seemingly after noticing your body twitching occasionally. your sibling scooted over to you, wiping away the beads of sweat on your forehead with a piece of cloth.

„ …sis ? “

she croaked out, a tear dripping on your cheek. her voice was small, barely audible like she was scared that it will make everything worse again.

you took another breath, opening your mouth. it was incredibly dry, but you still managed to croak out a word.

„ …w…whe…re… “

you stammered out, unable to move any of your limbs due to the numbness. if you could, you would’ve cupped her cheek like she did yours. even though you didn’t know her, she was still your baby sister. even though you were sure that she didn’t feel that small anymore, not after everything she was forced to go through.

you could feel regret festering deeply into your soul after that realisation. you should have done better. she was just a baby, after all. but you couldn’t even embrace her, only being able to watch with hollow eyes as she held back tears, searching for the right words.

you couldn’t tell wether it was mei lian‘s or your consciousness speaking.

„ we…we are still here, mei. the twins are here too. they—i would like to think that they are still alive. the people here…this…this cult—the sanctus medicus— they keep on doing these… terrible things to you, mei.“

she croaked out, sinking her head. her frame shook, you could tell that she was crying, even though she tried to suppress it.

„ and to think that just one week ago you said to all three of us that you‘d like to work at the alchemy commission… “

she still smiles a bit at the memory it seems, wiping away her tears while pretending she was just rubbing her eyes.

„ you wanted us to be happy… give us a future you yourself couldn’t have… but to think that the alchemy commission would be operating under these people—“

she continued to say something, but you could only stare blankly ahead. sanctus medicus, alchemy commission. your siblings were with them, at the alchemy commission. you continued to burn that piece of information into your head, in hopes of you not forgetting it. you take another deep breath. your hand twitched, and you pressed your lips together, grunting as you tried to lift your left arm.

the first few times, the limb just flopped on the ground, but after a while, you could raise it high enough to pat your sibling‘s head. your voice was gone, so that was only thing you could do to praise her. you didn’t have the guts to tell her the lie of „ everything will be alright “.

at that, she seemed to cry even harder, this little display of affection making all of her defenses break. even though you just met her for the first time, you could already recognise her crying pattern. what a horrible thing to know.

first, she would press her lips together, trying to hold it in. then, her lips would wabber, and her eyes would try to blink away her tears. then, by the time the first tear dripped down her cheek, she would hitch her breath, letting out choked sobs. after that, she would just cry. fat tears would drip over her cheeks down onto her lap, her sobs something that seemed downright painful to let out.

you could only continue to put a hand on her head.

———

you open your eyes, your vision a bit bleary from the tears obscuring your vision. for a few minutes, you just lay there, taking in the silence. you could feel a light breeze coming from your right. occasionally, a bird chirped.

‚ an unfamiliar ceiling ‘, you thought. you slowly began to sit up, your upper body almost flopping over again. you just look ahead with empty eyes, looking at the shelve in front of you, containing various medical supplies. it seems like you were in the infirmary.

you allowed yourself to sigh, running a hand through your hair. you didn’t dare to think back on your dream. if you did, you would risk falling unconscious again. you only recalled two things. the sanctus medicus, and the alchemy commission. you didn‘t know about any of these places, but you knew that this was were mei lian‘s siblings were.

your ears perked up as you heard the door creaking open, revealing a nurse entering the room. she asked you a few questions, but you muffled out her voice. determination filled your soul—finally, a step in the right direction.

you looked up at her, offering her a half hearted smile.

„ …excuse me, could I please speak to jing yuan ? “

———

„ the alchemy commission ? “

he repeated, tilting his head. in amusement or confusion, you didn‘t know. not that you cared.

„ sure, if it is your memories, i suppose i can look into it. the sanctus medicus has been a nuisance for a while anyway. “

he announced, signing off a paper. you could feel excitement bubbling up in your chest. you nodded, bowing deeply in gratitude.

„ thank you general. i—i will make sure to assist you upon arrival— “ „ what arrival ? “

he cut you off, tilting his head again in faux amusement. you freeze.

what ?

„ you didn’t think that you were going to the alchemy commission, did you ? “

he inquired, making you almost shrink back. right. he still had his eye on you. unfortunately, it still seemed like he didn’t trust you enough. you could feel frustration bubbling up at that, before you forced yourself to swallow it. you sigh, knowing that there was no way to persuade him.

so xou couldn’t do anything other than apologise for your shortmindedness before excusing yourself, promising him to bring his afternoon tea to the office shortly.

if your trip out to the city told you anything, it was that he testing you. your loyalty. your morals. your limits. in his mind, if he lets you go, it will give you an opening to do something to harm the alliance. or a chance for the imposter to escape.

you clicked your tongue in frustration as you prepared his tea. ‚ what to do ? ‘, you thought, stirring in a dollop of honey into the steaming liquid.

the plot thickens… i will do my best to make this story as interesting as possible, so please don’t forget to vote on what the reader should do next! ( also pls tell me someone got the evangelion ref… )

taglist; @shadowypeachsweets @indarius

- xoxo, laina

[my-gender-is-void]

Hello chronic conditions side of Tumblr.

I've been experiencing many symptoms for a very long while (technically all my life but obviously I didn't start paying attention until I was like 12-13) and I don't want to self diagnose but I do know it might be a key part of getting a formal diagnosis, I'm going to list the main symptoms and tell you what I through my research and various legit symptom checkers have concluded I might have.

I am hyper mobile, the orthopaedic told me that when I was like 5 but I never got a formal diagnosis because my parents didn't think it was relevant, however to this day my hip does something weird sometimes when I walk and then hurts afterwards and I have to overstretch it so it stops hurting as much, all of my articulations pop, I've had chronic low back pain since I was like 9 and back pain in general since I was 11, my injuries have a thought time scarring and they scar badly, my hands and feet are generally cold and peripheral blood circulation is kind of a mess, my skin is sensitive and reactive and I get cuts on the less damaging things ever, I have a propensity for bruising and they take a long time to reabsorbe, my pinky and ring finger get numb and tingly when I hold certain stuff (carpal tunnel is on the other 3 fingers I checked), my legs go numb often, sometimes my muscles just feel weak and I'm scared to pick up stuff in case they stop responding. I have a propensity for all kinds of headaches, my gums are also sensitive, I tend to be constipated no matter how much fiber I eat (and yes even if I eat lactose being lactose intolerant I'm still constipated, I just bloat), I have a heat intolerance (I even get rashes if it's too hot out).

I forgot but my ribs feel like they shift when I lay on my side and a couple of times I've had people horrified at something a joint of mine could do (generally my shoulder) and I quite frankly think I almost popped my shoulder out in one of those.

I'm also hypotensive and have a propensity to tachycardia and dizzy spells (or that thing where your vision gets black around the edges) when I stand up and when I do exercise (it doesn't happen when I walk, no matter how fast I do it) and when I exercise I have to stop even if my body doesn't feel tired because I feel like my heart rate is too high but I get cold sweat and shaky hands like it happens when I'm going to pass out. Which I might add I get those symptoms even just sitting sometimes and I have to lay down on the floor or sit with my head between my knees.

I live in a constant state of fatigue no matter how happy I feel, how well I eat or how much I sleep, which I also struggle with sleeping. And the brain fog makes it hard to concentrate.

That fatigue includes my body feeling heavy for no reason at all and being like a zombie all day struggling to even do stuff I want or hang out with friends most days.

The research I first did was regarding the whole hypotension, tachycardia, sport/rest/standing up dizziness fainting thing and honestly every conclusion lead me to POTS as the most likely condition.

That sent me into a rabbit hole of trying to find where the other symptoms where coming from, my search on hypermobility lead me to EDS, particularly H-EDS and honestly I must say a lot of things would make sense but I don't want to self diagnose so what do you guys who suffer any of this conditions have to say? Should I see a professional and just ramble all if my symptoms and see if that gets me somewhere?, or do I have enough of a valid basis to go to a doctor and tell them I suspect I might be suffering from POTS and maybe H-EDS?

Keep in mind I'm from Spain and I can tell you most if not all of the primary care doctors I've gone to have shrugged off all of my symptoms once they checked my heart worked properly in general, they don't even care that I have passed out from low blood pressure during blood draws and have even had convulsions twice after fainting, that and my sensitivity to anesthetics, fuckers just said "you're probably just tired because you're a high school/college/master's degree student", I've gone a fair amount of times since I was 16 and they never check it's always a "maybe it's your period", "maybe you're anemic" (I'm not, my reserves are a bit low but not enough to be considered a deficiency to treat), my blood tests come back well so they couldn't care less, my body weight sits in it's normal range (thankfully, because otherwise I know a good chunk of them would just point to my weight and my period).

Thing is, because I keep overworking myself due to my family situation and I was gifted and I guess that kind of transferred a bit to college, I've finished a degree and I'm on my way to my 3rd master's degree this academic year, and honestly I probably don't complain about the level of pain and tiredness I'm in enough because a) my mother would try to instantly blame it on weight or Physical activity or even just food itself (she's one of those everything you eat is bad, white carbs are the devil incarnate types of person) and I already had an ed for years due to her

b)when I complain about the fatigue my mother tries to one up me and everyone else just advices me to do more sports, spend time with family (no thanks), blame my sleep pattern even though the fatigue is purely physical, tell me I'm over exaggerating or over complaining and that I used to handle pain better as a child (she yelled at me when I complained and told me I couldn't be that tired because I was too young)

I'm going to tell you some more things about me as a child I just now remember my mother complained about: every school day I came complaining that the soles of my feet hurt and my palms too (particularly the right one since I'm right handed) and they'd turn out to be distended. My skin was even more reactive, I was so tired and borderline translucent even when they made me spend all summers at the beach that they took me to the cardiologist several times to check if I had a heart condition and It was working just fine, I experienced headaches almost daily, my immune system was an absolute disgrace, I refused to grip the pencil (scissors and other tools) right because it hurt my fingers, I was always coming home with bruises and injuries that were too extreme for what they would've been for my brother and to reiterate I started complaining about back ache at around 9 years old and of fatigue at 11, and even then me being seemingly constantly tired granted me a couple visits to a doctor to check for leukemia or heart conditions.

I need opinions and people to tell me if there are other conditions I should be researching or if I should just go ahead with the ones I have.

[finalgirlkateausten]

“I just got up too fast” for teen!sam please if you so desire?

Canon just gave me the perfect angsty opportunity for Sam to open up to the team about her history and her ED... and I've already established grief is a trigger for those habits... so have some adult Sam reaching out to her support system when she starts to relapse :))) TW for discussion of eating disorders and ED recovery, and some comments on body image.

˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗

"Sam!"

"Woah, Carter!"

Despite the fact that she'd intended to get off the floor, when Sam blinks the spots out of her vision she's still seated amongst the insurmountable stacks of books, journals, and paraphernalia they'd all been trying to clear out of Daniel's office. In fact, the way she's sprawled over the floor, articles and folders underneath her, suggests her descent had been less than controlled. As does the fact that Janet and Jack are both standing over her, looking concerned.

"Major Carter." Teal'c tilts his head, looking down from his seat at Daniel's desk. "Are you not well?"

She groans, shaking her foggy head. "I'm fine, guys. I just got up too fast."

Janet gives her a hand this time, and Sam lets her hold onto her arm until she's sure she's steady on her feet. "Want me to check you out?"

She smirks. "If you thought that was necessary, I'd be in the infirmary by now."

"Maybe we just need a break," Jack suggests. "This is... hard work." A frown pulls at his lips. Sam takes a shaky breath.

Slowly, Janet lets go of Sam and straightens her skirt, rumpled from sitting on the floor and then, presumably, diving when Sam had fainted. "That's not a bad idea. Sam, if you're sure you don't need anything..."

Sam nods habitually, because the empty numbness she's felt since Daniel's death is preferable to the pain of digging into the materials of his life. As soon as she processes that thought, though, she pinches her arm, hard, and calls out to the others. "Actually--"

They all turn back to her expectantly. Her cheeks flush, but she pushes on. "Do any of you feel like grabbing some random food and hiding out in my lab. I... the mess is a little overstimulating right now." Not a lie. "And sometimes I prefer eating with other people."

Prefer, sure. Sometimes, it's the only way she can eat.

It takes less than ten minutes for the four of them to settle in her lab, safe and sterile and free from reminders of Daniel. No, that's a lie-- everything reminds her of Daniel. But being in her own space is... better.

Jack hands her a dish of blue jello. Teal'c is un-stacking several containers of the various warm offerings. Janet hands her a carton of orange juice and another one of apple with a smile. "I'm glad you suggested food. I had half a mind to check your blood sugar while you were all laid out."

"Low," Sam mutters, spooning jello into her mouth. She likes the feel of it, but her brain isn't in the mood for dessert right now. And her body-- well she doesn't know what her body wants. Even all these years later, her stomach detaches from her mind far too easily.

"Sorry, Carter," Jack apologizes, making her raise her eyebrows at him. "I know you forget to eat sometimes. I shoulda said something."

She shakes her head. "Not your fault, it just... happens." She opts for some of the mashed potatoes, a nice and neutral-- but filling-- food. "It's, um. Been kind of bad lately. I guess I should've seen it coming..."

Janet tilts her head. "What do you mean?"

She stares at her plate, taking methodical bites, inhaling after every swallow. She's in her lab, with her team. This isn't a rocky dining room table with her father staring her down from his seat at the head. She's eating because she wants to, because it's important.

"After, um, my mom died," she says quietly, "I just kind of... stopped eating. It was... a while... before anyone noticed. Long enough that it took, um. A few years for things to get back to normal."

"I have participated in mourning customs that involve fasting until the ceremonial celebration of the dead," Teal'c offers. "Is this not a similar event of which you speak?"

"Um, no." Sam takes a long drink of juice. "I think, if I had seen a shrink way back then, it would've been called an eating disorder."

"Jesus, Carter," Jack mutters, and she hopes he can't see the trepidation overwhelming her as she bares herself to them. "You were, what, thirteen? You must've been a goddamn twig."

"I'm better now," she insists. "Now that I... understand it. I mean, priorities, right? I have to want to take care of myself." She looks down at her food. "It's just... getting hard again."

Janet cocks her head, her eyes illuminated with understanding. "Is it easier to eat with other people? Some patients find it harder."

"It's better if other people are eating," Sam confirms, picking up a strip of bacon from Jack's collection of breakfast food. Maybe at some point in the future, she'll admit to someone how humiliating it had been in the early days, to have her dad watch her like a hawk over his mug of black coffee as she painstakingly worked her way through a bowl of oatmeal. But this is just a meal shared between friends, and it's okay. She's already feeling a little better. "Now... I can recognize when I'm eating that it tastes and feels good, and I'm coming back to myself. It's mostly just the hunger cues I have trouble with."

"Always thought that was just 'cause your brain was too full of quantum physics," Jack offers with a snort. "Would it help if I, I dunno, had some protein bars in my pockets offworld? I mean, I already do, but do you want someone mentioning it every now and then? Or do you just want us to accept this and move on?"

"I mean." She gestures to their current set-up. "I don't know what kind of coping mechanisms you have going for you, but I might need a little extra help for now."

"I am always willing to feast with you, Major Carter," Teal'c declares. "Perhaps getting off the mountain would be enjoyable. You can show me some of your favorite human restaurants. I am already familiar with Colonel O'Neill's propensity for grilled meat."

"And I keep Gatorade in the infirmary," Janet adds. "It's always in the nutritional fridge. You're welcome to it, just to have a little something extra when you're hunkered down in the lab."

Sam grins. "I do love Gatorade. The yellow one specifically."

"I have everything except red," Janet confirms.

"Y'know, I think Teal'c had the right idea," Jack says, around a mouthful of probably-stale hamburger. "We should go for ice cream. Get some fresh air."

Sam takes a bite of pizza. "That sounds like a great plan."

They pick their way through the rest of the food, and she doesn't even feel bad about the leftovers. On their way up in the elevator, Jack squeezes her arm. Sam's heart does something weird but not painful in her chest.

"You ever need anything else, Carter, you let us know," he says softly. "We wanna keep you around."

She leans her head against his shoulder in spite of herself. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

[seii-fantasy]

S/o who suffers from a panick attack .

Requested by anon .

im sorry dear ,i needed a pic for Zero and Hajun but when i tried to save it , they litteraly publish it

Kojiro Sasaki , Zerofuku and Hajun

●°•●°●°•●°•●°•

Kojiro Sasaki

Kojiro didn't understood at first , what happened to his s/o . Everything was alright until their whole body start to shaken up and their heart start to hammering in their chest .

They sat on the ground due to the numbness of their legs .

Kojiro stopped his training , and went to see what happened . You were almost laying on the ground . Eyes teary , he took your hands and asked you what happened , and since you cannot talk due to the panick attack , you tried to show him but it seems he did not get it

He took you in bridal style and the both of you went back home.

He put you on his futon , and you tried to show him again , what was happening and now it seems , that he got it

It was the first time , that a kind of situation was happening with him

He tried to calm you down , he tried the best he can . He massaged you , your legs , your arms ,but he still could felt that you were still shaky so he kept doing that while whispering sweet things for you so that would probably calm you down.

After a several minutes , you finally calmed down , but he will still help you tho .

No you wont be alone for a day or two , when he will see that everything is alright , yes you will be alone , but he's just gonna train at the backyard of your house .

Zerofuku (Happy)

That poor baby got scared .

You were playing with him , and suddenly out of the nowhere , your heart starting to beat faster and faster , feeling yourself shaky , and you told the little God that you were feeling not good

Eyes widen , worry started to take over Fuku(Zerofuku) , he'll panick too. What is that ? What should i do? Why Y/n is shaking?

A lot of questions , until you take his hand who was shaky , you tried to told him what was happening , he read on your lips .

He kisses your forehead , and went to search real quick your favorite snack , he came back as fast as he can

He will try his best to calm you down .

He's determinated to calm you down

And he will still watch over you

Zerofuku (Angry)

This angry baby , got mad

Not at you , of course . You almost fainted but he quickly catches you

He will ask who did that .

If thats a person they better run fast as they can or if thats a thing , they would get rid of the thing so it wont bother you again

This baby would try to not show his anger to you

But deep down , he's mad , and he would do everything to see his s/o smiles again

Because his S/o and their smiles >>>>>>

The sunshine of his life

He will do his best to calm you down , just like Happy Zerofuku!

Hajun

(Just pretend that Hajun has a castle in Hell)

What in the Netherworld just happened?

The S/o of the Demon Lord of the Sixth heaven is now laying on the floor , legs numb , feeling suddenly cold

Hajun , who came back from destroying another world in another realm . Who is always calmed and eager to his s/o , it was the first time , he ran to Y/n , kneeled , taking them in his powerful arms as he asked what happened .

Since he's a demon , he read your mind . You were calling him , feeling unwell , calling for help

Since you were the first human/God/Godess who wasnt scared of him , you were the angel to his life full of darkness

He took you to Beel , and Beel who was currently doing another of his experiences , he stopped working and went to see Hajun.

After that , Hajun won't leave you , unless it is for a good reason but his trusted demons will be there to watch over you

I was happy to do that , even thought it makes me remember of my mother who had it last year. I just woke up and saw the request and i cannot let the opportunity slide . :D

Who's next?

[delicategardenervoid]

Take My Hand It’ll be Alright

chapter 5

Dean had these episodes before.

Where his brain was jumbled and he couldn’t put a single thought together.

Where he could feel everything, yet not express any of it.

There were no clear thoughts.

There were no words.

Only a faint buzzing in his ears as his entire body felt like it was about to cave in.

“Dean? You’re supposed to be on Smackdown, what’s wrong?” Roman asked, his voice distant and garbled. “Are you okay?”

‘No.’ He wanted to scream, but the words wouldn’t leave his mouth.

“Dean?” Roman said, his hand gently on his shoulder. Dean stared back at him, his eyes blank. “Tell me what you need.” He pleaded. Dean didn’t have the brain capacity to tell Roman anything, let alone what he needed. His body was going numb by the second.

Dean shook his head. “I can’t-” He croaked, clearing his throat.

Roman growled. “Can’t what, Dean?”

Dean shook his head again. “Think...” He mumbled, his voice small and quiet. Much different than the loud, outgoing, brash tone people were used to.

Roman stepped back a bit to let him breathe. “Oh.” He mumbled to himself.

Dean gagged, looking up at Roman with desperation in his eyes.

Roman paused, staring at Dean for a moment before giving a curt nod and opening his phone, scrolling through it for a moment before bringing it up to his ear.

Dean’s breathing was shallow as he fought back the bile biting at his throat. His legs felt completely weak, his entire body felt like it was floating on a cloud; and on top of that his head felt like it was about to explode with the effort of having to tell his brain to ‘breathe’. Dean didn’t dare look up at Roman as he heard him grumble at the phone, dialing and redialing the number again and again until finally he heard Roman say something to the person on the other line.

“Hey. No, I know you…Don’t be a smart ass and listen. I need you to come over. No! I need your help. It’s Dean okay? Yeah. Dean. I don’t know he just-if you’d let me finish I could-Yeah. He walked into my hotel room, out of it. I think he’s having an episode again. Look, can you come over? I’ve never done this before. Yeah. Room 330. Just knock. Okay.” Roman hung up the phone and quickly turned his attention back to Dean who hadn’t moved a single muscle, his eyebrows furrowed with the effort of telling his body to stay upright. “You okay?” Roman asked gently.

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but closed it quickly, instead letting out a small grunt. He took a deep shaky breath and lulled his head from side to side. It felt heavy, like his entire face was dragging his head down, which in turn was dragging his body down. He felt himself start to fall before his brain could tell his body to catch himself. Dean held a hand out, ready to brace his fall, but was caught by big arms which held him up under his armpits.

“Woah!” Roman said, his eyes full of worry as he drug Dean to the bed. “Here…I’m gonna get you water.” He laid Dean down, the room spinning as his head rested on one of the large hotel pillows.

He could hear the faucet in the bathroom sink running in the back of his mind, the rest of it filled with a haze and a slight ringing in his ears. Dean tried to think, to form a sentence. He really did. But any attempt at thinking caused a sharp pain to shoot through his head and to his teeth, making them chatter.

Roman came back with the water in a small styrofoam cup. “Here. Can you drink this?” Roman asked, holding the cup out for Dean to grab. When he attempted to do so, his arm shook with the effort, and sweat began to form on his forehead. “Okay.” Roman whispered as he held the cup close to his chest. “Come on.” He said softly, lifting Dean up so he was sitting, his body being completely dead weight, unable to hold himself up. Roman put a few more pillows behind him, allowing him to be in an inclined position. It was enough for Roman to hold the cup to Dean’s lips and give him a drink, which Dean gladly accepted.

A loud knock made Dean flinch and nearly choke on the water. Roman sat the cup down on the nightstand and raced to the door, opening it quickly and muttering something to the person in the doorway.

“He’s in here?”

Dean closed his eyes, the effort in keeping them open becoming too much. “Hey.” The voice sounded familiar. “Dean?” The voice was soft and quiet, gentle, comforting. “How’re you doin?” Dean couldn’t answer, instead opting for letting out a small whine. “Alright.” The person sat on the bed next to him. “Can you open your eyes?” Dean didn’t move, groaning with the thought of exerting the amount of energy needed to do so. “Come on, open your eyes for me Dean.”

Dean took a long deep breath, slowly cracking his eyes open, using almost every single muscle in his face that was working. He was met with the big brown eyes of Seth, staring down at him. Dean felt his body switch to autopilot as he reached out for Seth (the comforter, the safety), grabbing hold of his bicep and squeezing it as tight as he could. His muscles felt insanely weak, barely putting any pressure on Seth’s arm. And with every demand that his brain gave for his body to move, it felt like his limbs were three seconds behind. “Seth…” Dean slurred, staring up at him, whose eyes were full of worry. “I...” He squeaked out, tears filling his eyes once more.

Seth hummed, placing a hand on Dean’s. “I know.” Seth whispered, not breaking eye contact with him. “Can you tell me what you smell?” Dean just stared. “Please?” He asked.

Dean took a deep breath through his nose, trying to get his breathing to normal once more. “Y-you…” he winced at a sharp pain in his head.

Seth nodded his head, an amused look on his face. “What do I smell like?”

Dean licked his lips. “L-l-l-“ Dean grit his teeth as he attempted to finish the word. “Lavender…” He said extremely slowly, the word feeling funny on his tongue.

Seth smiled at him, brushing the sweaty hair out of his face. “Good Job.” He said in a gentle tone that Dean hadn’t heard in two years. “I need you to come back, okay?” Seth said, his eyes soft.

Dean gasped, a sob suddenly wracking his body. “I need you…” He cried out, catching both Roman and Seth by surprise. “I miss you…” Dean was finally finding his voice. “I’m sorry for what I did…to make you leave…” The gravel usually in his tone slowly returned.

Seth’s lips were in a thin line, his eyes narrowing as he wiped the tear off Dean’s cheek. “He doesn’t know what he’s saying right now.” He directed the statement towards Roman.

Roman huffed. “I know.”

“Can you come back?” Dean whimpered, holding Seth’s hand close to his cheek.

Seth’s eyes shut. “Not right now.” He whispered. Dean closed his eyes again, letting go of Seth’s hand and letting his own flop to the bed. He heard Seth breathe hard out of his nose before standing up off the bed. “I’m gonna head out, he’s about to go to sleep.” His voice sounded far away.

“Yeah, okay.” Roman replied. “Uh-anyways-thanks for that man.”

“Uh huh.” Seth mumbled. “Just know I can’t do this every time, okay?”

Dean heard Roman grunt in acknowledgment before he finally let the sleep overtake him.

“Jon?” Seth’s voice rang out. “You okay?”

They were…sitting at the table?

When did they get here?

“Yeah, just…” his voice trailed off. “When did we eat dinner?” He asked, his voice small.

Seth looked at him with a quirked eyebrow. “We ate maybe twenty minutes ago?” Jon nodded, looking down at the ground, his brow furrowed in thought. “What’s up?” Seth asked, moving to him slowly.

Jon looked up. “Where’s Roman?” He asked.

Seth paused, his eyes narrowing. “Doing the dishes.” His head motioned towards the sink where, just as Seth said, Roman was dutifully doing the dishes. “Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked again.

Jon’s eyes snapped to Seth, forcing a fake smile on his face. “Yep! All good! Just really tired, must’ve gone brain dead for a minuet.” He chuckled. Seth stared at him, baffled. “I’m gonna go for a run, cool?”

Seth kept staring at Jon as he shot up out of his chair. “Yeah dude…that’s fine.” He mumbled, a knowing look starting to spread on his face.

Jon felt his heart stutter for a moment before giving a curt nod and a small smile, leaning in and kissing Seth on the forehead and rushing off to put on his running gear.

He’s in the dessert.

The trail, he realizes.

The trail that’s five miles away from the house.

He doesn’t remember even leaving the house, let alone running five miles. He doesn’t feel sweat on his skin. He’s not even breathing heavy.

How long had he just been standing here? Doing nothing, staring off into the sky?

Jon whiped his head around, realizing the sun was going down. The sky painted with beautiful purples, yellows, reds and oranges. He always loved the Nevada sky, especially during sundown, that’s when it was the most beautiful. Probably one of the most beautiful things he’d ever get to see in his life. Only three things could top it- Roman, Seth, and Renee.

Okay, focus…the sun was going down.

They had dinner.

So it had to be around eight o clock.

Jon huffed, putting a hand on his hip as he scratched his collarbone in irritation. “Fuck.” He mumbled to himself. He really didn’t wanna run five miles back with his brain in the state it was in. The mind fog he thought was gone, finally coming back in full force. He hadn’t had an episode in so long, and he was proud of himself for it. Renee had praised him for being aware of the signs and coming to her whenever they started presenting.

She helped, a lot.

She’d sit him down outside, hold him like a child, force him to focus on her voice to keep him grounded. Then ask him random questions about the day, about the sounds he was hearing, about what kind of wine they wanted to drink later. And it helped. It really fucking helped.

But she wasn’t here, she wasn’t coming back until tomorrow evening. And Jon wasn’t sure he could take a whole day of this.

He didn’t want Seth and Roman to worry, he knew they would.

Before Renee, Seth was the one who calmed him down, who helped. And when Seth left, he had nobody. Poor Roman didn’t know what to do. He was left to deal with him, alone.

And Jon didn’t resent him for it, because Seth never taught him. Jon couldn’t blame him for that.

That’s when Renee and him really got close, he realized. She found him one day in catering staring at a sandwich he had made, not blinking, moving on autopilot. ‘You were out of it.’ She’d explained to him. ‘I had a sister who’d disassociate like that, as a trauma response.’ She smiled and hugged him.

That’s when Jon realized that’s what his ‘episodes’ were…dissociation.

“Snap out of it.” He slapped himself upside the head. “Get your shit together Jon.” He growled to himself, shaking his head as he felt another wave coming on. “You can do this. Get home. Ground yourself.” He murmered.

“-aby…?” A voice echoed. “-ou okay?” It reverberated through his head. “Baby? Hey, anyone home?” Jon’s eyes slowly looked towards the source of who was speaking. Roman was staring at him, worry evident on his face. “Is it happening again?” Jon’s eyes studied the room around him. They were in the bedroom. Jon was in his pajamas. Roman was in his boxers. No shirt, he noticed. Roman put a hand on his head. “Jon?” He asked, his voice deep.

Jon shook his head, his body starting to feel fuzzy. “I-“ he started but cut himself off, the words stuck in his brain. Roman ran his thumb over the scar on his eyebrow.

“What do you need?” He asked, his eyes searching Jon’s.

“I-“ he again tried to speak, but weakly slammed his hand against his own thigh in irritation. “No.” He mumbled, the only word he was able to force out of his mouth.

Roman cocked his head tot he side, leaning in further. “No what?” Jon took a slow breath, flexing his hands in and out of fists, opening and closing his mouth as he tried to say anything. “Fuck…” Roman sighed as he looked down. “Shit…ummm…okay…” he mumbled, running a hand through his hair. “What-what time is it?” He asked. Jon couldn’t give him an answer. His entire body felt like it was on auto pilot, the only thing he could really do was tell his body to breathe. And even that didn’t seem important. It felt good not to think. It felt good to just exist, and not have to worry about trivial things like giving responses to questions he didn’t know the answer too. “Jon…don’t…cmon.” Roman said, his voice full of worry and a slight twinge of panic.

Jon closed his eyes, falling backward on the bed. He heard Roman curse again and run out of the room, coming back(Jon doesn’t know how long he was gone) with another set of footsteps that he knew were Seth’s. “Jon?” He asked, voice muffled. When Jon didn’t give a reply, he huffed.

“This one’s bad.” Roman mumbled.

“I knew something was wrong. I fucking knew it.” Seth growled.

“That’s not helpful right now Seth.” Roman chided him. “I need you to help him, okay?” There was a pause. “That’s what you do, you help him.” Another, longer, pause. “Seth.”

“I don’t help.” His voice sounded strained. “I don’t think he trusts me to help.” Jon’s mind pulsed at that statement. He wanted to scream, to grab Seth, to tell him ‘I do, please help me!’ But all he could do was let out a shrill whine and force his body to wiggle a bit in order to grab their attention. “Jon?” Seth called, hurrying to his side, the bed dipping as he did so. “Hey, I’m here.” He said softly. “Can you open your eyes for me?” Seth asked, gently running his knuckles over Jon’s jaw. “You can do it.” Seth urged.

Jon groaned, cracking an eye open, and then slowly but surely the other one. It felt like opening a rusty car door that squeaked on its hinges. Seth was there, staring at him with worry.

Comforter.

Safety.

“I-“ Jon’s mouth felt, and sounded, like it was full of marbles. “I’m s-sorry…” he squeaked.

Seth furrowed his eyebrows. “For what?” Jon didn’t answer, his lip quivering. “Nothing to be sorry for.” He said, leaning in close and petting Jon’s forehead. “What do you smell?” Seth whispered, planting a small kiss on Jon’s forehead.

Jon took a deep shaky breath. “Y-you…” his eyes staring at the ceiling, searching for nothing. His gaze darting from one end of the ceiling to the other as he tried to get his eyes to work to their full capacity again.

Seth smiled. “What do I smell like?”

Jon huffed in annoyance as he tried to speak, his voice coming back, but very slowly. “L-l-l-lavender.” He managed to push out of his mouth. Seth let out a quiet laugh. “You’re here…” Jon said, his hand flying up to Seth’s shoulder, flopping onto it and resting it there.

Seth nodded, holding his hand. “I am.” Jon’s eyes finally moved to Seth’s, locking their gazes. “What’re you feeling?” Seth asked.

“I’m…happy.” He answered quietly.

Seth nodded, kissing his neck and gripping Jon’s hand. “Get some sleep, okay? You’ll feel better when you wake up.” Seth murmured into his ear. Jon instantly let his eyes go closed again.

“Call Renee.” Was all that he heard before he fell asleep.

[sunny6677]

It's Spooky Month! - Spooky Month: The Novellized Version - Book 1.

Summary:

After eagerly waiting all day and night for the month of October to finally spring—a kid who calls himself Skid goes on wacky adventures with his friend who goes by the name of Pump! What sort of adventures will they get into? What sort of antics will arise? The answers are kind of unknown, because there's no predicting what can possibly happen when they're around!

Chapter 2: A Spooky Night!

TWS FOR SERIAL KILLERS AND ATTEMPTED MURDER

————

"Okay—I'mma go ask my mom if I can go out now!"

"Okay! I'm gonna see if grandpa will lemme come over!"

"Ehehehe.. okay! I'll see you! Bye-byeee—"

"Bye-byeeee!"

Skid let his thumb move upward as he lifted it over the red button on his flat screen, and the phone gave a simple click as it finally hung up.

He kicked his feet as he rocked from side to side in his black plastic cheer, the artificial light of the screen washing over his mask that held his eyes in the dark circular shadows of it. His lips were curled into a smile behind the mask—so much so his cheeks practically felt numb. He heard his own breathing from behind his mask—muffled exhales and inhales coming out of his mouth.

He slipped himself off of his seat with a slight grunt—shaking his head a little. He felt dampness begin to cling to his skin as the minutes had passed—most likely due to the costume. Though, he knew when he stepped out into the cold air of the town, he probably wouldn't be as warm.

As Skid began to walk foward, he heard another loud noise from outside. Something that sounded like his mom.. screaming?

..maybe she was watching something spooky!

With an eager hop, Skid made his way to the door, and lifted his hand so it could grip the handle. Twisting it with a forced reach of his hand, the door finally creaked open—light filling his vision, a glow made around the interior of his mask as brightness seeped into the circles of his mask.

He stepped out onto the tiled floor, spinning around as he walked with a giggle escaping his mouth. He couldn't wait for Pump to come over—he couldn't wait to see what his mom might have been watching! It was all just so exciting.

As his feet stepped along the floor, he heard the faint sound of his mom breathing heavily—letting out shaky gasps. The entrance to the living room was up ahead—square-shaped with light seeping out of it and onto the floor. He heard a masculine laugh come from it. Oh—maybe it was a movie with a serial killer in it!

He skipped a few more steps foward, and once he finally made his way to the entrance, he peeked his head inside. He tried to speak, but no sound came out once he looked in. He stopped speaking entirely in fact.

His mom was standing there.. still dressed in her sleeveless pastel purple night-shirt with black straps and black shorts as she trembled. Her eyes were wider than he had ever seen them, and her hands looked to be trembling. Standing behind her was a looming red shape. But not just any red shape. It.. it was a man. A man with a light red mask with horns sticking out of it, a dark red sweater over his large body, and black jeans worn around his stubby legs.

His mom shuddered. "..wh.. so—son.. don't.."

She winced. The man pressed a gray blade to her neck that shimmered in the light from above. He looked kinda spooky. Almost like he was a real serial killer, too! But.. something about him made Skid feel nervous.

"..so—son.." His mom spoke. "Don't.. don't come over here.. go to the phone.. ge—get the phone. Call 911. Call—hh.. call 911!" Her voice became more panicked as the blade pressed closer against the dark brown skin of her throat.

The man laughed from behind her—a large, crescent grin spread to his cheeks—his eyes wide with dark circles beneath him. Skid could at least see these due to the circles on his mask.

Hmm.. this man was scaring his mom. He didn't like it! Skid almost yelled, before the idea of something came to his mind. He smiled again. Maybe this man was just a spooky guy who his mom decided to pull a prank on him with! Yeah! Maybe that was it!

"Hehehe.. mooooommmmm!" Skid playfully said, "It's Spooky Month! I know this is a prank!"

"..wh.. pr—prank?" His mom stammered, "Son, it's not a pr—prank!"

She winced. She then gave a grunt, and shoved her back against the man with surprising strength. The man grunted, taking a few steps back. Oh! Maybe they were playing pretend now! Hmm.. Skid didn't wanna interrupt his mom's game. Maybe he could just let them play for now!

His mom lifted up her arms as she slightly growled, and the man shook his head with a wide grin. Skid yelled out, "Heheheheh.. you have fun playing, mom! I'm gonna go wait for my friend!"

"Ok—Okay, son. Just.. just don't come over here!"

His mom managed to say—her hand reaching over to grab something he couldn't see. As Skid turned around and began to run all the way back into the hallway, he heard something break. The man let out a scream. Wow! They were really good at playing pretend!

Skid giggled—still walking through the hallway. Though.. in the distance, he saw someone walking. An elderly woman with grey poofy hair, and a night-gown.. oh! He knew who it was!

"Hi, grandma!" Skid laughed as he ran past.

"..what.. hi. Wha—what are you doing up so late, B—"

There was another sound of something breaking as Skid ran farther into the hall. He heard his grandma say something he couldn't exactly hear—and turned around a wall that was nearby. Which of course led to the hallway that led all the way to the entrance of his house.

————

After a few minutes of more yelling and the sound of something crashing—Skid heard a knock at the door. He slowly lifted himself to his feet, already having been waiting by the door for a few minutes now, so he knew who it was! He hopped up, grabbing the doorhandle which for whatever reason was now unlocked, and letting the door slowly creak open.

He then peeked out—and standing in the doorframe was a familiar small figure.

"Aye!"

"Ayeeeee!"

They both greeted. In place of the familiar curly brown haired boy he was always used to seeing when Pump wasn't in his costume, was now the bright orange mask of what resembled a pumpkin with a plastic green stem sticking out of it. His eyes were visible behind his mask due to the circles, his mouth-piece shaped into a large grin. A fake tooth stuck out, hiding his tooth gap. And around his chubby body, he wore a black suit with gloves, and a white coat below.

They both let out a laugh as Skid stepped foward, and threw his hands against Pump's—high fiving as they often did.

"What'chu doing?" Pump asked.

"I was waiting for you to show up! You ready to go get ice-cream?"

"Heheheh! Yeah! Yeah, I am!"

"Okay! Eheheheh!"

Pump jumped up excitedly as Skid stepped out onto the grey doorstep. It felt slightly cool against their costume-covered feet, but neither of them cared. The coolness from outside seeped into the circles of their mask, washing away the humidity. The black sky from above them shone down with a million stars speckled across it—and surely enough, the town looked the same as it always did. Green front lawns, houses of similar small shapes to Skids own, mailboxes at every house. Even in the night, it looked the same.

Skid shut the door behind him, and stepped down from the doorstep as Pump followed.

He beamed, "Let's go find Mr. Frank!"

————

The nights air hung over them—stars flickering from above still. The town could be oddly quiet when there wasn't as many people driving around. Some vehicles were parked at different corners, or on people's driveways. Bikes laid against nearby streetlights (with most of the streetlights in question being off already). Fire hydrants poked out from the concrete grounds. Familiar signs. Familiar houses. Familiar everything.

The chill of the night blew into their masks—they could still smell the scent of faint grass even now. They hummed cheerfully. It was fine to roam alone at night like this. After all, it was spooky month! And they basically knew everyone here, so there was barely anyone that was a stranger!

Pump then looked up, and stopped walking as he pointed. "Hey, look! It's Mr. Frank's van!"

Skid looked ahead with a curious hum, and smiled. It was a familiar vehicle they often saw. A white van with odd substances and dusts sprinkled on it. It always looked as if it hadn't been used in years—brown starting to seep in from how dirty it was. They almost wondered if Mr. Frank lived in the van.

"Oh—eheheh! Yeah, it is!" Skid nodded, "Let's go see if he's awake!"

The two then continued walking, now picking up their pace. Mr. Frank was someone they both knew. A man who sold ice-cream to every child in town. They both only really knew him well because he happened to know Skids mom, and even knew Pumps dad! So he was a friend of theirs. After a few more feet of walking, they came to a stop.

The vans window appeared to be open.

Skid tilted his head to the side, opening his mouth to speak. Though before he could in the midst of the uncomfortable silence, a pale face with half-lidded eyes peeked out. Black poky bangs streaked with sweat clung to the faces forehead, and a grin came to its lips.

"..hey, kids."

"Oh—hi, Mr. Frank!"

Frank was barely visible in the shadow of the van—it must have been pretty dark or something because he was practically like a silhouette. Pump tilted his head to the side as Mr. Frank spoke again.

"What are you two kids doing out here?"

Pump grinned, "We came to get ice-cream!"

"Oh.. hahaha.. I see." Frank smiled back. "Why's that? You goin' somewhere?"

"No, not really!" Skid answered. "It's Spooky Month, so we want spooky ice-cream!"

"Yeah!" Pump added.

"..ohhh.. hahah.. okay. Lemme see what I got then." Frank replied. He practically vanished into the shadows for a moment, before his large muscular arms reached out of the window—holding two ice-creams. One of them was made into the shape of a skeleton, with one of them being a popsicle that was shaped like a pumpkin.

"Here ya go, kids—your favorite spooky treats." Frank said.

"Thanks, Mr. Frank!" Skid replied. Pump licked at his ice-cream with a giddy pace. Frank always made these treats for them anytime it hit spooky month, so spooky month never went without any tasty snacks or ice-cream or candy!

"Hehehe.. alright. I'm gonna keep driving now—but—but you two be safe, alright?" Frank replied, starting up the vehicle. A kid in the distance began to walk closer, seemingly going somewhere. Frank's grin seemed to grow even larger.

"Okayyyy!" Skid nodded. "Buh-bye!"

"Bye, kids.." Frank huffed out.

They then turned around, walking away from the van, and past the kid who seemed to get even closer. Skid licked at his ice-cream, a vanilla taste filling his mouth. Pump grinned at the marmalade flavor that exploded into his mouth, and he gave another giggle of happiness.

Skid came to a stop, going over to the edge of the sidewalk, and sitting down as he ate his ice-cream. Pump sat near him, still licking at his as he kicked his feet.

"Wow, this is amazing!" Pump cheered.

"Yeah, it is!" Skid nodded. "..where'd you wanna go after this, Pump?"

"Mm.. I dunno. Maybe we can go to the movies!"

"Oh, yeah! We can see if there's any horror movies on!"

Skid blinked, stopping his speech. He could have sworn he heard something shrill and high-pitched from behind, like a scream. He glanced in the direction of the sound. The kid that was approaching them from before was no longer there, and Mr. Frank's van was getting farther and farther away.

Hmm..

Oh, well! Maybe it was just a spooky ghost.

With that, they continued eating their treats, bathed by the night.

[caspianenjoyer]

More blorbs

Just thinking of the four cuddled in bed and eating popcorn and I hc Vincent and ashe have long tounges (yunno when that thing that keeps ur tounge held back is missing yea that. Ashe being born without it and Vincent accidently got it cut and couldn't fix it) and jsut a peice of popcorn falls out and Vincent just yunno *blep* and eat it like a lizard and Dakota convinces himself somehow Vincent Is a lizard like ashe and mark. Ashe 100% does with other food jsut to watch Dakota freak out real. Dakota has multiple times asked Mark if his tongue can do the same thign as Vincent and ashe and all Mark did was give him the rock face

Ashe sitting on the couch and just feeling will slowly get in his lap and go under his hoodie and ashe soul died for a second bc will is ice cold and it felt like touching a cold hand on ur warm back and will just shifting and getting comfortable and zipping the hoodie down a bit so he can pop his head out and smiling watching ashe shudder from the chill but rub will through the hoodie and just ashe getting the blanket wrapped more around the two real

Also thinkng of how marks powers are on his lower hips that make that red power and thinking of tide hugging him and his hip touching marks and the red hue fizzling bc they got touched or tide accidently placing his hands on the hips on the power points and both of them getting power waved real

Will like feeling ashe practicalky vibrating in anxiety and just will softly brush some hair away and wispering "Hey ashe, calm down it's okay I won't let you faint" but ashe Is blush mad crazy and man's is just like "will if you don't stop rizzung me up I swear to God please just peirce my nose so I don't pass out from gay panic" and he's just hiding in wills shoulder feeling will giggle at him before lifting his head and using his cold fingers to numb the area before getting the alcohol napkins to clean to nose and getting the clamps and needle ready. And just ashe gripping softly to wills shirt on his sides and just closing his eyes feeling cold air by his neck and face and just the needle quickly going through and feeling will jolt at ashes grip on his sides and just ashe muttering a apology and will wispering its okay real. Oh my god imgaine Dakota barging in and thinking they were kissing and they're both just like "BRO??? GO AWAY???"

Just Vincent waking up all shaky and panicky and him just him stumbling to whoevers room the closest and just flopping on to bed realizing its wills bc the smell of coffee and just him curling up into a ball and a few minute's later a tired will crawling into bed not nothing Vincent bc he was under the covers and just will accidentally hitting Vincent and apologizing quickly and just dragging Vincent on top of him like he's a big dog and petting Vincent head as Vincent stress picks his lips and breathe in wills smell and just will humming songs and feeling Vincent calm down and will comforts him quietly as Vincent quitly and a Lil brokenly tries to copy or harmonize with wills humming real

Jay stretched up like on her tippy toes trying to fix smth and gill noticing her shirt ride up and him softly pulling it down and Jay looks over and and is just like "thanks" and gill just smiles and is like "no problem"

And just everytime he sees Jay his skin tingles so much and he gets ill giddy and he always finds reasond tk touch her like touching her back when she wakes up, or fixing her clothes, or holding her hand, arms brushed against eachother or even nose kisses

Thinking hard of gill and Jay getting drunk that night and falling asleep with Jay on her and thinking of before gill fell asleep he wrapped his arms and tail and legs over Jay, like caging her in to the want to protect her while they sleep in this alleyway from everyone and just gill listening to Jay hum or make a squeak in her sleep and her fingers clutching to gills shirt and just curling more into gill bc of the wind and just gill warming her up with his body heat and when he wakes up before Jay he sees her mouth a crack open, drool on his chest and her cheek and mouth, hair stuck to her face too and just her jacket almost off and just gill softly and carefully putting her jack back on and fixing her shirt buy pulling it back down and getting hair out of her face and he just noticing how young and soft she looks when she's not stressed all the time and his chest just P O U N D S in this need to protect her from everything and everyone and just him if needing to stare in the sun to keep her safe by God is he gonna do that. (Lowkey not bc he wants to not look at Jay bc everytime he does he has this primal urdge to protect) and Jay waking up warm and sits up feeling her pillow have a heartbeat and firm and she looks over and relize she slept on gill who's currently burning his retinas with the sun real

Omg thinking of gill sunbathing real and Jay rubbing aloe Vera on him so he doesn't basically turn into a sun baked fish dish reap

[verreprincesse]

So, an update since the day of the fair:

Wednesday:

we went to lunch first since fair food is expensive. we were also told to not be at the fair until 2pm cause the fair was gonna be open exclusively for my therapy group, another therapy group, and a class on a field trip. we were also told all rides and games would be free. if we wanted food or souvenirs it would be out of pocket. we get there 10 to 2 and nothing is even beginning to open. we were there for 45 minutes waiting around and not a single ride was opened up ( maybe 2 were cause I was able to ride the swings, I love the swings ). finally the coordinator of the event called the fair person and come to find out the kids from the school was there at 1, were there for 20 mins and left and apparently the other therapy group was told to be there at 1pm but since we didn't show they closed the rides down. AND the rides weren't free. we were supposed to have been given a voucher we could use on 2 rides -.- so we all left and went to the mall, which wasn't so bad. just a bummer

i had church as well that evening. we do our thing and when we got to share group for the second half I was getting dizzy. by the end of it I ended up having a fainting spell, so that was fun.

Thursday:

i went to group and got my ear piercing fixed which was nice. but I over extended myself cause usually I let my body rest the day after a fainting spell and didn't so I slept from the time I got home ( 230pm ) until 9pm, was up for 4ish hours and slept until 630am to get the kids up for school.

Friday:

got the kids up for school and slept until 1230pm where I had to get ready for my echocardiogram. was super dizzy and shaky all day. i get there and my palms start getting sweaty ( and indication I'm gonna have a spell ) I manage to get through the echo but now I'm extremely dizzy. I'm sitting in the waiting area after waiting for my ride when my fingers go numb, I'm sweating, my heart rate is 130, and I get a call about my heart monitor results. they said they saw nothing abnormal. i get off the phone and I feel like I'm gonna faint and get a nurse. they take me to check my vitals: ekg, blood pressure, pulse, etc... by that point ( I am laying down ) everything has calmed down. everything looks normal. and since I was having an episode, they read my echo that moment and said my heart looks normal and that I should see my pcp and see about if its neurological. some of the other issues I've had is brain fog and issues with my words. like, I will be talking to someone and I will say that I put the mail in the microwave when I mean mailbox. its a common occurrence now. a nurse recommended I ask my pcp about a csf leak.

Today:

i am currently dizzy as i write this and I am just so done with everything. I'm aggravated I cant do a lot of the things I used to and the week I had a heart monitor I had no episode but the week I don't have it I'm having several pre-syncope and several full syncope episodes.

[4lunar-kitsune4]

Idk what this is

I felt my body begin to weaken as I straightened myself and looked her directly in her eyes, holding out my palm.

“Would you entertain one last dance with me, my sweet Rosalyne?”

My breathing was slow and steady, confidence overflowing me despite the circumstances. I would not let her know how weak I truly was. 

Her eyes betrayed no emotion, her blade hanging loosely in her hand. The freshly spewn blood on its otherwise clean and pristine surface seemed to reflect brightly underneath the bright ballroom lights. She was a paragon of calmness that stood before me. 

The blade clattered to the floor as she stepped closer, accepting my inviting hand. She paid it no mind, her eyes focusing solely on me, seemingly analytical. 

I pulled her closer and soon we fell into a familiar pattern, our steps in sync, the silence heavy. Usually she’d always have this sort of… serene grace about her, a faint smile, a hint of amusement in her eyes. She’d look at me, a mix of quiet happiness and… something else. I’d never been able to put my finger on it. But now, all of the warmth she exuded was gone, replaced by a strange sense of unfamiliarity. The silence that was once comfortable and welcoming felt cold and distant. Yet she still danced with me, like we had done countless times before. 

The room seemed to sway underneath my feet and the lights seemed almost too bright. The slightest touch of her dress felt foreign and prickly against my skin. I felt as if in a trance, as if nothing were real. I felt slightly numb all over, the only thing stopping me from falling completely into this dreamlike state being her hands.

Her soft hands. Her soft and perfect hands. Those hands could do no wrong, I was sure of it. If you told me those hands had ravaged entire nations I would never believe you. I had the utmost reverence for those hands… not just her hands I would say…

Our dance continued, and my dreamlike state along with it. I tried to stay in the moment but oh! How hard it was. I felt as if I could be lulled to sleep during this dance and I would be content. But I had to remain strong, I wouldn’t dare show a moment of weakness in front of her. 

And so even though I felt as if it was all too much I continued with the dance I proposed to her, my feet and breath falsely steady. My eyes never left her, searching her face for any hint of emotion. 

There was none. 

Her face was truly a blank and neutral slate, her eyes watching me as well. 

I felt oddly vulnerable underneath her gaze, like I was baring my soul to her. She could see everything and was all-knowing.

 But I knew that wasn’t true. Just… being in her presence made me feel odd things.

We floated through the ballroom and I could feel my breathing beginning to shallow, my steps becoming more and more unsteady as time inched forward. But I couldn’t- no I wouldn’t, show weakness in front of her… I would… I would keep going on steady, I had no intention of letting this wondrous dream end-

I collapsed. 

My knees weakened and I collapsed onto her. I clutched her with the strength of a new-born kitten, inhaling shaky breaths. She said nothing as this transpired, merely watching with that emotionless gaze. I was shaking slightly and the world seemed more intense than it did earlier…

After an agonizing few moments I still felt extremely weak but I feigned that I was strong enough to push away when-

She took me in her arms and held me. I looked up in her eyes and felt lost in them… she was so… perfect. My pain and suffering and everything was meaningless compared to this moment, I never wanted it to end. I felt as if I was a deer caught in the headlights, I couldn’t quite place my finger on what I felt at that moment.

Her eyes softened. To the outside observed she looked cruel and uncaring as I bled out in her arms, my bright red blood staining her lovely white dress. But to me… she looked ethereal, an angel looking down upon a tragedy. 

She brought me closer and hugged me, the blood staining even more. For once she didn’t seem to care about cleanliness. 

My breathing was now only coming every few seconds, quite ragged. If I was standing I would have surely collapsed once more.

She lowered us both downwards towards the floor until she was sitting upon it, her dress spreading out around her, and me in her arms like a fragile doll. I shakily took a blood-stained hand and put on her face, my expression remorseful.

“I’m… so sorry my sweet… I hope you can forgive me..”

Her expression was unreadable once more, and she watched me.

“Won’t you… say something for me?”

She looked slightly remorseful but still she kept her lips sealed… those lovely lips of her…

Finally, finally, I felt my strength fading away as the lights seemed to dim around me, my vision darkening… I looked up at her one last time… debating what I would say… what would my final words to her… her… be…

My eyelids felt heavy. Surely a short rest wouldn’t hurt… right?

THIS IS LOWKEY CRINGE LMAO IDK WHY I WROTE THIS

[verybadatwriting]

story time!

Since it’s winter break, my mom brought me and three of my sibling to get vaccinated today. Needles, fainting and vomit ahead.

context: I have vasovagal syncope, which just means that my body overreacts, and faints me when I get a shot.

The nurse told me and my older brother to sit on the bed/cot thingy, and I was like ‘uhhhhh? You sure, chief? I have a feeling like I should go alone...’ but went along with it. My mom told her I should go first (because I requested it). The nurse tried coaching me with the whole ‘deep breaths’ and ‘calm down’ thing. She showed me what she’d do with empty hands first. It didn’t help.

A few moments after the first shot I felt bad, like maybe I'd faint but maybe not. Once the second one was in it was over. My eyes rolled back in my head, I went rigid, then suddenly limp, and I was out for about a minute. I came to, said “oh shit!” (which is strange since I never curse) and told the nurse I loved her while her and my mom lay me down on the cot. They slapped some wet, cool paper towels on my forehead and wrists.

I told them I might throw up, so the nurse asked my brother to grab some of the little kidney-shaped vomit basins from the cabinet. I (apparently) begged them to just let me go to sleep again and that "I didn't want to do this." The peace when I was out was so nice, and fighting to stay awake was not appealing, and more than a little painful. Before I started throwing up, while I was just lying on the table looking up at my mom, the nurse vaccinated my brother. 

Anyway, then I threw up enough to fill two of the basins. I was super sweaty. Everything was shaky, my vision was full of dots, to the point that I didn't notice that my mom had taken off my glasses, and it was way too hot. My hands were numb. My stomach hurt. For about ten minutes, mom, the nurse, and my brother were occupied dealing with me throwing up and keeping me conscious while my two younger sisters were sitting on chairs watching cat videos with headphones on. They’re terrified of shots, too, but luckily don’t go vasovagal. 

After I was stable (no longer throwing up or about to pass out again) mom and the nurse went about vaccinating my sisters, while my brother acted as a human railing to keep me from falling off the bed (just in case we were wrong, and I was about to pass out out again). My brother’s the best. He was fanning me and talking about a videogame he plays. It was very helpful, since my sisters were screaming at the prospect of getting their shots. 

Eventually, the nurse had to leave. Before that, I asked her about how many of her patients faint. She said, ‘In general, not many. And never quite like you just did.’ I also asked her if I’d said ‘I love you.’ Turns out I did. When she left we made little heart shapes with our hands to each other. I hope she looks back and laughs at this. Lord knows I will.

I had packed orange juice and water to get my hydration and blood sugar back up. I drank some of it, and then my mom and brother flanked me, looped their arms around my back, and we tested out whether I could be fully vertical without collapsing. Slowly, they walked me across the room (four whole steps) and sat me down on a chair. They gathered up our stuff, and mom once more looped her arm around my back. Honestly, I kinda wished this had happened back while I was writing Blood and Marrow, since this could have solved so many of the blocking issues I was having and served as inspiration. 

We got to the car, I ate Triscuits, went home and did nothing the rest of today. 

But at least no Covid or flu for me!! :D