#i just feel like i talk to a lot less people now and its kinda bumming me out
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Something about this post is bugging me, but every time I to put my finger on it, I feel like the reason slips away. So I think I'll just try to sort through it here and see where that leads me.
Mechanical changes impacting play style makes sense, but I think I question the cause and effect here. Because the rules mentioned that "encouraged the GM to think of monsters as real living creatures", morale and reaction rolls, are things that seem (to me at least) less about making these monsters seem real and more about adding more angles to introduce randomness to random encounters. If a random aboleth shows up while you're walking from point A to point B, a reaction roll is a quick and dirty way to see how they view the players, but it doesn't account for what an aboleth is. Similarly, a morale roll is giving a method beyond the DM just making an arbitrary ruling sans dice. That's not to say that a good DM can't use the roll to breathe some life into an encounter, of course, but I don't know if I would say those rules being removed/put in the flavor rather than made a general rule was a primary contributor to a greater emphasis on combat, or if that was even an intentional design choice.
(as a side note: looking up what reaction rolls actually were were, I stumbled onto a blog about the whole OSR thing in ttrpgs, and decided to go down the rabbit hole for a bit. It seems like a lot of the conclusions being drawn in this post are close to issues raised over there, but they tend to include AD&D2e as a point where the shift happened, making it less a TSR/WotC difference)
Now, if there IS a greater focus on combat in that shift, I think it's probably due to the game getting crunchier over time during that shift. 2e seemed to start it off with a wide variety of optional rules, and 3.x cemented it. But notably, it did this for non-combat as well, which makes me think that it was less a design choice to make things more combat oriented and more to provide comprehensive rules, with combat being the most fleshed out part in service to the whole heroic adventure aesthetic.
I think one of the biggest issues I'm running into is the following point about how encounters have to be these justified forced combat encounters and the dissonance this can provide. I think part of that is because that conclusion just doesn't match up with the reality I was seeing playing 3.x or seeing other people talking about it. Not to say combat wasn't the focus, but plenty of non-combat encounters happened, enemies ran away, scenarios were derailed by roleplay rather than combat, etc. And sure, that's anecdotal, but I think it's relevant. The game does, after all, provide individual sections for monsters giving a basic rundown of what the creature is. Some are more bare-bones than other, but when Archons are listed as "never attacking first, but being easily provoked", that's a pretty clear indicator that forced combat should not be the default assumption. If players ignore that, sure, but that's no different than ignoring reaction rolls imo.
The real difference, I think, is the afforementioned shift from a focus on an open world where the party has more freedom to explore and do whatever they want while the world happens around them, to a focus on more structured narratives where the players are characters in a story that is unfolding around them. Its a shift away from "well the dice say there's an aggressive dragon swooping in, have fun with that" towards "I planned out the encounter you're gonna run into between startersville and plotlandia". That also kinda follows from the idea of encounter balance. Having a random dragon swoop in on a third level party isn't a balanced encounter unless the DM goes out of their way to make it one, but that takes more time and prep than rolling a few dice and opening to a statblock can account for. And yes, planned encounters like this can, if done poorly, just be a shooting gallery of forced fights with thin justifications. It could also be well crafted encounters where you could talk down the goblins instead of fighting by opening trade negotiations.
The play style that the difference in design encourages isn't so much "fight all the things vs treat your enemies like actual living things" as it is "how structured do you want this game to be", which is ultimately value-neutral. And the moral disconnect about what you're fighting seems like an entirely separate thing from that. Neither style inherently encourages or discourages that, and it feels uncharitable to say that WotC-era d&d is more skewed to be morally uncomplicated than TSR-era.
So there is a pretty clear shift in playstyle between TSR D&D and WotC D&D: for better and for worse, D&D 3e introduced the idea of encounter balance, de-emphasized mechanics that had previously encouraged the GM to think of the monsters as real living creatures (reaction rolls, morale, etc.), and it had the effect of making D&D a much more combat-focused game. D&D has always been a game that's opinionated about combat, it's basically the most expressive and detailed form of play regardless of edition, but combat in the TSR editions was not exactly zoomed in and tactical. The WotC editions purposefully made combat zoomed in, granular, and tactical.
And this has had an effect on playstyle: since combat is now the main form of player expression what players actually want is for their characters to get into combat. Because combat is the most fun part of the game. But the game has also changed from the largely amoral dungeon-crawling game into a game of fantasy heroics (even though a lot of the trappings of the amoral dungeon-crawling still remain, which contributes to the dissonance), so you can't just have the player characters going into combat for the sake of it. That would frame the player characters as kind of Fucked Up, and we can't have that in our supposedly heroic fantasy.
What you end up with is a variety of contrivances like "they're bandits," "they're cultists," or, my all-time favorite, "they attacked first" to make the action seem morally justifiable, even though gameplay is still motivated by a desire to fight. The monsters fight to the death and, importantly, can often not be reasoned and negotiated with, partly because combat is supposed to be the fun, engaging part everyone is here to do, but also because if they actually acted like reasonable people it could cause dissonance with the whole "the player characters are the goodest heroes."
As my friend @tenleaguesbeneath once called it: what is actually going on is that the player characters are hunting people and monsters who have been programmed to fight to the death and never negotiate for sport, while justifying it as self-defence.
It's a simple power fantasy, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Sometimes you want to play a morally uncomplicated game about killing guys with cool magic swords. But I think it's also fun to think about what the specific types of monsters players end up fighting reveals about Society the invisible, unexamined ideology lying under the surface that the designers of even modern D&D have failed to examine. And to me it often reads like a frontier justice fantasy. None of that is to detract from anyone's joy of the game, and for me it's just fun to think about and post about this stuff while Still Enjoying the Game, but if someone expressing that opinion makes you feel uncomfortable, why? That's pretty silly imo.
#i cant help but feel like i might have misread some of the conclusions the OP made#but i cant see any other way to read it atm#amusingly enough though the game i remember playing in that was most“and now you fight to the death unless you the player choose to flee”#was a hackmaster game#which afaik is an offshoot of ad&d#“fight these wererat cultists because theyre eeeeevil”#along the way we fought all sorts of stuff#and had very little opportunity to do stuff that wasn't fighting every encounter we had#still had a good time ofc#just funny that my experience seems to be the exact opposite of what is presented here
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Ok lemme talk about this season of Arcane, the ending, and most importantly, Sevika. If you don't want spoilers, back away now but I'm leaving this open because people have a tendency to not open or read my posts with read more cuts after them 🙃
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First off, I will say that I like Arcane a lot. Like a LOT. I've watched the first season 4 times (rarely do I watch anything more than once) and I think it's a masterclass in adult animation. Fortiche really put everything into this series.
That being said...
While I did like season 2, I don't think it was enough. Animation wise it was phenomenal, writing wise...I think it could have been better. As I've learned through doing research for my Sevika fics, the League of Legends universe, lore, and worldbuilding is fucking MASSIVE and even if I don't give two shits about that community or game, I have to give it props in that department because they really put a ton of work into it to make it feel alive. Maps? Short stories? Timelines? Race and culture? Apex could never...
That ofc is why it's hard for me to say that the writing is amazing. We had far too many characters to keep track of in season 2 with far too many plot threads to finish in two seasons. I think ideally, this series should have been 3 seasons instead of 2. Acts 1 and 2 could have been its own season, and Act 3 could have been its own season. If not that, then at least one more episode per act would have helped a lot. Things just progressed and wrapped up far too quickly for my liking.
Also not a huge fan of how quickly video game related media tends to dip into the whole timeline and multidimensional business. It def works well for some games but here? Idk I guess it was bound to happen given some League character's abilities, but the stakes just elevated far too quickly for me. Not a fan of Viktor becoming one of the main antagonists at all, and DEFINITELY not a fan of the conflict between Piltover and Zaun being sidelined for an "enemy of my enemy is my friend" thing with the war against the Noxians. It makes sense, I just wish "war with the Noxians" came at a later date so we could focus on the twin cities.
And speaking of the generational conflict between Piltover and Zaun, let's talk about Sevika.
As I said before, Sevika is the most qualified person to become the leader of Zaun and I stand by that even after the ending. But first....what about her found family? Isha sacrificed herself and Sevika gets no on-screen reaction? The last two episodes just progressed SOOOO FAST that we and some of the characters didn't even have time to breathe. Did Sevika even get time to mourn for Isha? What about Jinx, who is now gone? Sevika barely even encountered Vander! I would have loved to see some of the aftermath there because I think season 1 did a better job of allowing characters time to process their emotions and grief, even if the pacing was still kinda fast. It was acceptable!
I am sad af she didn't get more lines, but remember, Sevika has always been a side character in this series. An important side character but a side character no less. The promo shot of her now feels like...what was the point? (more on that in a sec) but considering how many characters and plot points and plot threads they had to account for, I am not surprised she didn't get more screen time. Hell, Vi and Caitlyn didn't even get a chance to have a full conversation on eveything that happened and Caitlyn didn't even apologize on screen. The fuck bro.
Now about Sevika's ending....I am very happy she isn't dead. Like dawg, you have no fucking idea how happy I am about it. SHE FUCKING LIVED. But....
I am seeing some people saying they're not happy or they're confused or that her ending doesn't make sense. And I just disagree with those points. Let me explain why.
I posted something earlier today about it, but again, as people don't open my read mores, I'll repost it here:
We absolutely do not know how much time passed between the war and the final few shots of the season. So Sevika joins the council. I DO NOT THINK she would do this unless there's a good reason for it, and that's why I'm guessing she will be Zaun's ambassador on the council. That war probably significantly changed the relationship between Piltover and Zaun and while old wounds will take more than a fucking war to heal, her being on the council now means she directly has a say in Zaun's future. Remember, the council was literally about to hand Zaun their independence before Jinx blew it up, and Mel was in support of it. As I said before, Sevika is respected down there at a bare minimum with all the factions. She would know better than anyone how to lead Zaun at this point. So yeah I get the hesitation, but it makes sense in my eyes. And it makes it likely that Sevika could show up again in a future League animation, if not become a whole champion.
I like her ending. I am sorry but it just makes fucking sense. Sevika is extremely loyal to her home and her people of Zaun. We've seen that time and time again. She was willing to go to war and die for those people not just against Piltover but also the Noxians, so why on fucking earth would anyone believe she's making a bad choice here?
She is now in the best possible position anyone in Zaun could be to advocate for their independence and support their growth. She knows the chem barons and brought them to peace, she gained the respect of the Firelights with Scar leading them in Ekko's absence, and she even got the Jinxers together with them before the Noxian attack on Zaun. Sevika has experience, she has the ear of the people, she knows what it's like down there, she is made to lead and help advocate for them!!!!
Believe me I get that whole "changing things from the inside" angle doesn't work more often than not, but this doesn't feel like "changing from the inside," it feels like "let me advocate for my people's actual independence so we have a starting point to become self sufficient." Again, Piltover was literally about to let Zaun gain their independence, and while none of the previous council members that agreed to it are there, Mel is/was. Who's to say she didn't help negotiate for Sevika to sit on the council and start (or complete!) the Zaun independence process before she left for Noxus? I can't imagine Sevika would just show up to the table and sit there if she didn't have a damn good reason. Like come on now. This woman has seen first-hand what Piltover is capable of and does not like them nor looks like she wants to be there. But she's seen what Piltover has done to her people first-hand, and after learning from both Vander and Silco, this is how she feels she can best protect her people.
She IS the new leader of Zaun and their ambassador at the council.
And lastly, we've been told that some characters will be returning in future League animations. Mel seems like an absolute given, but what about Sevika? Zaun's story is only just beginning, and yeah they said they'd like to branch out to other regions, that doesn't mean a cameo or maybe another medium can't be used to continue that story (a book, perhaps??).
Anyway yeah those are my thoughts...
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love it when a character that's hard to read intuitively for you has like a dedicated fandom interpreter who can just glance at their blank face in a panel and then give you a 3k word essay on their innermost thoughts & desires & fears and neatly tie it back into the themes & whatnot as if it's the most obvious thing in the world
#im talking about griffith btw#guts i feel i get intuitively - maybe because i have some personality traits in common with him#and we get more about his life concretely told to us in canon. so he is a bit easier to pin down as a character and feel attached to for me#but whenever i was reading the manga i just kept wanting more insight about griffith's actions and feelings#like ok yeah its fun to have mysterious antagonists and suspense /tension etc but its also fun to feel like you deeply understand them too#and i felt like that was a bit missing from him for me in canon#so reading about him in analysis and fics is the most fun for me rn#he always felt kinda half unreal to me- which maybe was the point of him - but i wanted a bit more about his childhood or something?#and wished we had more stuff explicitly from his pov in the story to read or explanation about his transformation or wtv#and now he's so much more closed off to me even than he was in the golden age. i keep waiting for him to explain stuff and he does not#ANYWAYS all this rambling to say some people out there are very good at interpreting him and making his like. insecurities#more obvious to me bc i didnt really get that side of him from canon intuitively well#also im really enjoying reading the first few berserk fics ive read#there may not be a ton of them out there but there is def writing talent in the fandom#i'll share some recs once i'm done sifting through most of what's out there to read#also (not to tie everything back to death note but it IS my home fandom after all)#i feel griffith is obvs the more light-like character here and L maybe a bit guts-like? but unlike berserk in death note#light is the one you get to know best and L is the mysterious / unreal one you don't get a lot of concrete insight into#and in the DN fandom I can read the more mysterious character intuitively but had to warm up to the less mysterious one instead#and the mystery of L makes sense to me and doesnt bug me as much due to like - he HAS to hide a lot about himself or else he will die lol#so some similarities there but also some opposite feels as well#berserk spoilers#p
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You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)
#moe talks a lot#i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry#and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds#LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO#shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds#BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER#i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up#i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong#after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before#YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain#oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older#and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds#holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang#sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat#but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like#welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant#anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain#im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake#but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry#anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering
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moth-flowers #17
#moth-flowers#my art#comics#autobio comics#Its a little crummy but im glad i made something. and actually posted it!#depression#Our neighbors r pretty cool. talking with the husband makes me happy cos he's just a chill dude and i think he's kinda like me?#Like he was cleaning out his car one time and he said it just takes him longer than most people bc he's kinda slow. and i had a moment of#like. recognition. I get things done but i just take a lot longer than other people and i dont really know why its just how i am#And he's like. a real adult. with a partner and kids and a house and a job. and if he can make it then maybe ill be okay too.#Also I like listening to him talk he has a very interesting cadence and overall soothing voice quality#Also the sleep schedule thing. Right now I've been feeling my best when i take a 2ish hour nap when i get home. I usually dont go to sleep#Until 12pm regardless and good god has the nap been helping me. I feel less like shit and more alert its so great#My dad keeps giving me shit about it. but fuck it we ball
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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i dont wanna eat anything or do anything and i just wanna lay around but i also dont wanna do that and i dont wanna watch anything or read anything and idk what i wanna do
#i was supposed to have someone review my resume and i was banking on the fact that maybe talking to someone instead of being alone in my roo#would help me out but the whole appointment system maker thing was messed up so we couldnt even meet#so i literally hvae nothing better to do than wait the next few days to get back to campus#and i was soooo excited to go back to school and i still am cuz i know itll make me feel better being around people#but im just a lot less excited than i was#cuz i just really really hate the idea of having to spend another fall semester getting over someone#like i couldve probably handled spring semester. but fall semester???? when theres already enough desolateness as it is???#like i just hate hate htae the idea of being on buses and starting to cry again and its midnight at 4pm when im crying#and theres people everywhere and the wrost part is shes literally on the same campus as me!!! so now i might actually see her!!!#and i dont want to!!!#i want to be friends but right now i know if i see her again ill just start sobbing on the spot#i was so excited for thsi fall sem but now im just notttt#and i know ill be busier (hopefully) this sem so im sure ill be better off than last year#but still like. idfk i dont know what to do. i think i just need to hear someone elses voice#im supposed to talk to my friend later today so maybe thatll help#cuz im kinda ready to tell someone about it but what if she telsl me she cant call what am i suppsoed to doooo#cuz last year the person iw as getting over lived a bajillion miles from me so it was easier!!! but she and I live 5 mins from each other#AND SHES FREINDS WITH LIKE ALL MY ROOMMATES#THEYRE ALL HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS !!!!#GODDDD.#i mean there are def upsides to this . for example its good we broke up now#cuz imagine if we broke up cuz of a fight and then thered be a big issue in the friend group#but it ended well and i dont think our friends / roommates will be 'picking sides'#as long as i just dont do anything drastic lol#adn who knows maybe our friendship will bounce back and i really hope it does!!#but she and i didnt start off as friends we kinda went into this knowing we were into each other to begin with#so like how do i be friends with her you know???#and friendship is soo important to me so its not like i dont want to be friends with her. i really really do. i just dont know how itll wor#like i value friendship over romantic relationships any day but also our relationship felt so deep to me#which is why im scared that we wont be friends even though i know we both want to be
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Do you like the state which you describe as being high?
Or does 'liking' have nothing to do with it. is slipping into that state simply an inevitable event that you embrace because it feels right? Have you made any further analytical observations on that state and what it means to you? I'm curious.
- cha0s
yeah :)
its like all the bad things dont really matter much anymore, i can just relax and worry later yknow? and everything becomes a lot funnier for no reason other than me being happy, like once i was in the park with my friends, and i laid back to watch the clouds. i just started laughing really hard for like 15 minutes bc the clouds were funny? and also they were moving, which was like, woahhhhh :0
and on top of that bc i dont feell at all worried, i can just be 100% myself, and also act on any dumb thought/idea that comes into my head. once i was in class, having barely slept, and i for some unknown reason lifted my pencilcase, let it fall back onto my desk, and burst out laughing. whilst my teacher is going on about some philosopher, i dont remember which one though. another time i started talking to the walls, also once on a sleepover i got very energetic and just ran in circles for a bit. all of these i very much would not do when awake, usually im pretty calm
all emotions are very very heightened, so as long as im having fun, im really having fun yknow? but as soon as i feel even slightly bad i might just curl up & cry forever, so its not always great. its takes alot longer to start feeling bad though. i dont really seek it out anymore like i used to, but it is fun sometimes, and sometimes i really need to relax about something & then it even helps, like even afterwards when fully rested i got rid of some stress & built up energy?
anywaysss an important note: sleep deprivation is really really bad for you, i stay up on purpose maybe once every 3-4 months, but i used to all the time, and that destroyed my memory, i can barely remember a good few years, and i keep forgetting important things now
#its also a lot easier to talk to people online#bc a big issue of mine is that i worry a lot that im a very bad texter#which causes me to be bad at texting#and i cant just kinda let go of that?#+ also having a bunch of people to reply to becomes a lot less scary and more fun#bc YAY!! i get to talk to people!!#i call it being high (on sleep deprivation)#bc all of that are pretty normal effects of doing drugs yknow?#i used to actually stay up late on purpose to make friends on discord#but i stopped doing that bc it was very bad for me#+ i used to hallucinate occasionally too during very stressful periods#but i know the risks now#& i think once every 3-4 months is probably fine?#i sleep mostly okay other than that#asks#vic#people#i assume you were referring to this?#i feel like i sound like i have problems#you may be wondering why im up so late now#but i can just sleep in#so its no problem :)
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part of me still feels like i might be sort of genderfluid and/or bisexual but just traumatized about it. no idea anymore
#like. remember that. remember following me back when i was bi and genderfluid lol. awhile ago now#its like whatever to me now. its really hard for me to pin anymore#like when i feel like genderfluid and bi again i feel like i can be a lot more open about shit#but i dont really even know. its hard#i feel like. and this is just like. me yknow. i feel like if i wasnt dating a man i'd be missing out on something that i want#like i dont know if i would be content just marrying a woman and being satisfied if i. didnt have a husband. yknow what i mean#and its like. if *I* wasnt a man i'd be sad. if in a relationship i wasnt someone's boyfriend or husband i'd be sad about it#so this is what wraps back around to me being a gayboy about it yknow#its complicated because no matter the gender label outcome. i would STILL want testosterone and surgery and masculine terms#and i KNOW this doesnt mean anything for some people. like some women do all that and are women#so i could just be not-a-man and still want all this anyways#but i also know it doesnt make it any less complicated for some of these women. who also had to think about themselves a lot in this way#its this weird notion of whatever ends up happening i... physically want the same shit anyways. THAT stays almost completely static#so that for me is a breather. its just like.... idk ... if i ever got in a relationship with a woman#i'd feel like i would be intrinsically. missing out on something i wanted#which i think is what a lot of burgeoning gay kids feel generally. right#like if you went down this stringent path laid out for you that you'd be missing out on. your life that you want. right.#i dont know what i want out of that really. sometimes i feel like im too out of it to pursue anything romantically anymore anyways#i do sometimes think it'd be cool to be a butch woman. kinda..?#i think what i like about that is the masculinity of myself is gender non-confirming if i were a woman#which if im a masc guy i'm just like. your average dude. like. right#but i wanna be a bear about it. i wanna fag it up about it. and my metric of being transgender im not ... average about how i present mysel#can someone teach me how to fag it up. the construction worker part of this is working right#sighhhh.... i have to go shower. maybe i;'ll have a shower epiphany or something. sighhhhh#sometimes in my head being a woman would be alright. but its like.. i dont even know how to decode it#i think some people would call what im feeling being genderfluid. some people might call it something else. it depends on like. you yknow#and what you want. and what makes you smile. me? not quite so sure anymore#and i think its like. this sounds like its laid quite bare right. but its hard to word even.#but sometimes im like. am i just like. talking ...? yknow what i mean.
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hhg when ure a very hyper and chipper chatterbox in most circumstances and u tend to make good friends with more reserved and untalkative people but then a lot of the time you end up overstimulating them just by existing near them,, sooo fun
like this hasn't happened recently but i was just reminded of it and now im thinkin of it. and like its a weird conundrum bc me being hyperactive isnt influenced by my energy or emotions very much, its kinda just how i am in most situations. so ppl (understandably) assume my behavior means im full of energy and im like no bro i am dead dog tired 90% of the time.
what do u even doooo abt this like my friends and i have talked and they dont want me to not act like myself like they feel bad abt it. but also i feel bad for overstimulating people and making them upset cause thats no fun. im just real tired of everything abt me always simultaneously being both WAY TOO MUCH and not nearly enough for people.
#adhd#vent#tw vent#neurodivergent#im procrastinating working on finals and its making me stressed so now im talking abt anything BUT tjat#im FINE btw this isnt often a problem#tho i have one best friend that i look up to and another that i want to support and theyre both those kinda people and i feel so bad#also my research partner is really really cool and i look up to em a lot and respect how smart they are like crazy#but again very reserved and untalkative and sooo stressed out cause they got too many classes#and they the type to go mute from stress#and i feel so bad for talking their ear off whenever i see em but i just think they're so cool!!#and im also subconciously tryna cheer em up or at least make them less tense by having friendly conversation#but i think i usually make em feel worse even tho they never seem frustrated with me :(((#we're definitely friends tho like they seem to like me too i just think theyre very cool#can u tell theyre almost 2 years older than me and smarter too LMAO#buzzing
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feels very strange to get podcast ads about how pride friendly orlando is rn what with the current political conditions of florida for very large swathes of the queer community
i mean i dont have any suggestions for like idk the marketing team of the orlando tourism board to do any better like i certainly wouldnt know how to advertise rn, thats a rough hand youre stuck with and i hope your shit ass transphobe fascist politicians drop dead.
just. wild to hear rn
#toy txt post#and like maybe it is a pride friendly area within florida but like the fact that im getting advertised it from a very different state#its just Feels Very Weird. its like the same energy as when companies started having normal ads again about having like#holiday gatherings and football parties in like 2021/2022? like no actually the unprecedented times are still upon us. your pandemic ads#were insufferable for sure like they felt very weird and stupid and patornizing and but you have somehow managed to Make It Worse#thats kinda how it feels like the same vibe. it was one thing before it was pride month and it was just like casually trying to convince me#to come to universal and disney but now its june so theyre talking about their Gay Days#and like it would almost certainly be very weird and uncomfortable if it was like listen we acknowledge the current guy we have#is going like full blown fascist with an intent on genociding queer and particularly trans ppl but like listen we installed this new ride#and we'd really like for it to pay for itself with ticket sales or whatever. idk just feels weird. i dont know if i have a suggestion for#the advertising board of tourism in orlando to do differently like i dont have a suggestion for them except to maybe get that fucker out of#office. and it probably feels less weird if ur like In The State or in another state with similar horrifying shit#its probably like well whatever and thats fair. i mean its not fair i hope all your transphobic fascist ass politicians drop dead and that#yall will be safe#anyway. just. very weird. anyway idk. @mouse if you kill desantis with no mercy just fucking destroy his ass#ill forgive u a little bit and consider hitting up your extremely expensive theme park if i have the funds. universal if u pitch in on#destorying that bastard ill consider visiting you again too. again if i have the funds. i wont go to the terf wizard section but i do want#to see the new hulk track 🥺#ppl of florida especially marginalized ppl of florida. you deserve so much fucking better than you got im so sorry#floridian govt makes me so mad for like the regular human reasons of. they suck for a lot of fucking people and also the very important and#unique ecosystems yall have down there but also for the personal selfish reasons of. florida seems like Really Cool if it didnt have#like#the fascists. and gun culture. id love the climate. well. on the Atlantic side. gulf too warm for me personally. so many creatures down#there. cool places and you got those Very themey theme parks and listen i would like disney to have less power (#(AFTER THEY DISEMBOWEL DESANTIS. I WANT THEM TO DESTROY HIM AND HIS CRONIES FIRST. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ANYTHING)#but like they did kinda go off with the Theming. i do love that. universal too BUT. not to derail this post into roller coasters but also#sorry that is a thing im incapablw of being normal about sorry UH universal also went tf off with the themeing and i Love it HOWEVER#i do with the coasters were more. visible. i cant speak for disney i only went once as a very small tiny child and i remember nothing#but i went to universal in high school like Right before they completely retracked hulk and the theming was incredible i was obsessed.#but there was no way to see most of the coasters without actually riding them which i did find very disappointing.
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Ougghhhh
#i am feeling some type of way tonight#i think like. loneliness mostly#i just feel like i talk to a lot less people now and its kinda bumming me out#i know lots of ppl are busy but i do occasionally wanna just sit and talk to people when im not working#it coukd just be anxiety also but i have been starting to feel like some of my closer friends have been avoiding me as well#😔#today was a shit day anyway so. maybe ill just sleep and hope tomorrow will be better#vent#minty text#delete later
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silly post before i sleep but i like seeing peoples responses to my other post!! talking about their favs, how who they liked changed over time or if they immediately latched on and never changed! its so fun and interesting to see peoples responses i love human interaction
#sand speaks#its extra nice cuz i had a much different opinion of the fandom during amanes trial (ngl i was scared or pissed off by almost everyone cuz#of the hostility during her trial whoops) but this is letting the true nature of fandom shine#just having people talk about whos their favourite#what they love about a character#its nice.#also i do want to note that im not antagonising anyone who was hostile during amanes trial cuz i was reversely hostile and kinda asshole-is#too haha#i think i was too new to the fandom to have been making full posts cuz damn i was. rude. wouldnt be surprised if some had me blocked haha#but yeah now that im more aquainted w the fandom + have other ways to express distaste that dont involve putting it online (aka complain to#friendw who will listen)#the fandom feels a lot more cozy :) feels like my time in the ho//ow knight fandom/pos#i do wish i posted less about meaner things lmao. shoulda stayed in my ipad notes ffs#i mean they were funny but probably only to my friends nd not to the average viewer#sandy rumbles#thats my talk too much and too sentimental tag. blacklist it#i do like how calm the fandom is now tho. i hope no strong hostility pops up again haha
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ppl on here act like they want new media all the time but then when someone on here tries to do that for them they feel the need to completely eviscerate the show/book/whatever but then dont bother to do that with shit thats already popular, probably bc they know no ones gonna listen since its already so popular, but goddamn when yall have the chance to sabotage ppls shit yall will fuckin do anything. truly crabs in a bucket on here.
#anything that even barely steps out of the media you're used to yall just decide is bad for some reason#like if its not just like steven universe or owl house its bad or something#idk i kinda just think maybe some of you have juvenile understandings of media. esp if all you consume is literally kids shows.#sorry not every story follows the same form or formula dawg#sorry not everything is disney where everything is clearly laid out like who the villain is etc.#sorry not everything is a step by step to help you understand rather than to find your own meaning#idk theres this certain Vibe thats hard to articulate but that always feels like its recquired for ppl to like your shit on here#idk ig my characters arent fem enough or something. or the fact that my self insert isnt. makes me inherently less trustworthy or some dumb#excuse like that idk#ig im just now uwu upbeat enough or something#not*#even though like so many of my other ocs are probably like. the exact thing they're looking for. the fact my self insert is there masc and#imperfect makes it Bad or something idk#idrc to find out i kinda think a lot of yalls opinoins are worthless at this point. theres a reason this website is broadly recognized as#toxic. and no. in spite of what some of yall might tell yourselves. its not just right wingers who feel that way and its not bc you're#queer or whatever. PLENTY of queer ppl ik think its toxic. so idk bruh. ive kinda just decided this is where all the shitty queer ppl#kinda end up dhghvgsdgh#and no! to reiterate and bemore specific! its not that you have neopronouns and are foxkin or something. im basically the same fuckin way#yall are just GENUINELY toxic people. like its a personality thing and the way you talk to people on here. you act so entitled to ppl#and how you think you can just dictate to them what they shouyld do all the the time. its fuckin insane.#you're not the worlds mom and you dont always know whats right actually.#stop weaponizing your childhood abuse and the controlling behaviors enacted on you against other ppl all the fuckin time#stop feeling like every post you see is an oppurtunity for you to comment. like who tf are you why do you think you matter that much#or that your opinion is so important in every situation#some of yall see personal posts even and at this point cant even bring yourself to resist the impusle to say something about it#idk! maybe i was raised different but i strongly believe in the philosophy of minding your own fuckin business bitch#yall also treat ppl like your play thing on here. its so dehumanizing.#genuinely seek help and be better to people. fuck. i kinda feel like i shouldnt have to say that to supposed leftists#but ig some of yall have become so apathetic and nihilistic that you've reverted into treating ppl like shit like you used to and used to#be more conservative
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Me: I think id want to know someone that's mutually obsessed with me... Like I am with them
Oliver: ok... Well then you can meet people, that's very easy!
Me: uh.... Ok
Oliver: yeah I mean your courses, the people there do have the same diagnosis like you so they might think the same way as you?
Me: mmm.... I dont think... I dont know how I think is normal even among people with my diagnose
Oliver: um, okay. Why?
Me: because of how I think of other people... Or other people I like rather
Oliver: yeah, well that's not... Unusual. I mean you want to be around people you like so you obviously think good about them?
Me: mmm, yeah but I don't think... You'd want to know how I think about others
Oliver: why? Now I want to know
Me: no, I don't think you do...
#miranda talking shit#He said id have to come up with an answer tomorrow and im like uh... Im going to freak out this man so badly....#How do i explain my mind is 10-20% concentrating on whats being said and the remaining is usually ju st...#And clusterfuck of mental hearts and me going 'theyre so cute. I love them. Their smile is adorable. I love them. Their voice is so lively.#I love them. They are so good to me im so lucky. I love them' like. Genuinely thats at least half what's in my mind when i talk with people#I like. Its similar to my... Crush mental headspace except then im also super embarrassed and self conscious. Thats how i know when i have#A crush vs i dont. But i... Am fairly sure most people dont think that actively at all times while talking to their friends.#The people i think less that way about is probably Linnéa but still i have 10% of my mind going that way as well#This mind of mine is mainly why i can believe that i am in someway a bit in love with all my friends. Because my mind just... Without me#Controlling it thinking that way. Its like an... Shitty snapchat filter over their faces with pink edges and words and sentences going up#Aboht how i cherish them and little hear emojis flying around them occasionally. Thats how i can best explain it? Its now excatly how it#Visually looks in my head but its how it feels in my mind. I usually just think like. Theyre so cute. I love them. They are so amazing.#I dont think ive actively thought this way.... Always. But since i turned 16-17 its slowly developed and now i am like... Huh... Uh... Mmm#Ive never had anyone else say they think this way of people who they arent... In love with basically but for me its about anyone i care abt#And i... Cant express it bc people would get uncomfortable. Think im in love with them... And then distance themselves etc#Ive noticed i uh.... Let my affection show too much when i speak about others i love to people. So i try to ... Tone it down... But yeah i#For me its natural and it is just how i see and how i think about the people i love but i know saying that to any of them would make them#So uncomfortable. Except maybe Maya bc shes kinda open and accepting and also very loving. And Linnéa wouldn't love it but would#Give a nod and go 'well its part of your package deal (and ive heard you say a lot worse)'#But my guy friends would be like NOOOOOOO wtf 😭#Imagine Fabian hearing this? He'd fake his own death and move to another country and start anew
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The talk
Hugh Jackman x reader (actress)
Previous Part
A/N: Enjoy this part 3! I hope you like it! In this story, Blake and Ryan have been married since 2010 and therefore had their children earlier. I changed the age of the children to make it fit.
Warnings: maybe some swearing here and there, a bit angsty and fluff, mentions of alcohol
---------------------------------------------------
I couldn’t sleep last night. I’d been tossing and turning for hours, staring at the digital clock that blinked back at me relentlessly. When 6 a.m. finally rolled around, I gave up, threw back the covers, and dragged myself out of bed. I needed something to ground me, to keep my mind from spiraling, so I rolled out my yoga mat in front of the massive window that looked out over the New York skyline. The city was still half-asleep, but I could already feel its energy buzzing in the distance.
After a quick, but calming, yoga session, I snapped a selfie. I sat on the mat in my sports bra and leggings, my hair a messy bun, and the sunrise just starting to peek through the buildings behind me. My face looked peaceful, but inside, my stomach was a knot of nerves. Still, I posted it on Instagram, hoping the positivity from my followers might lift me a bit.
Within minutes, comments flooded in. Mostly love and support, people saying how they wished they could be as dedicated to early morning yoga as I was. But some of them worried about me. There were a few messages asking if I was okay, mentioning the paparazzi photos of yesterday. Apparently, walking through the city with Blake after the premiere turned into a full-on hangover spectacle, and people noticed. They always notice everything.
I sighed and decided to call Blake.
“Heyyy!” she greeted cheerfully, her voice always so full of life.
“Hey, Blake!"I replied, trying to sound less anxious than I felt.
I hesitated. I didn’t really want to unload on her again.
“I, uh, I’ve got Hugh coming over soon. I… I don’t know, I’m kinda nervous about it. We need to talk, and I just—I don’t know how it’s going to go.”
I heard in her voice that she was smiling. “Listen, you and Hugh will be fine. He’s a great guy. If he didn’t care about you, he wouldn’t be flirting with you so much in public. Trust me, I’ve known him for years—he doesn’t do that unless he means it.”
I bit my lip, feeling my anxiety twist and turn. “But what if… ahh.. nevermind. I’m just so confused.”
“That’s okay. As I already told you, you don’t have to figure it all out in one day. Just talk to him, be honest, and see where it goes. You’ve got this.”
Her words helped, if only a little. I thanked her, and after hanging up, I busied myself around the apartment, waiting for the knock on the door.
When it finally came, I almost jumped out of my skin. I opened the door to find Hugh standing there with a bag of bagels in one hand and two coffees in the other.
“Good morning. I brought us breakfast." he said with that charming smile of his.
We exchanged small talk as we sat down at the kitchen counter, nibbling on our food. He complimented the view, asked about my morning, and I tried to stay calm, but the tension between us was impossible to ignore. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of dancing around the subject, I took a deep breath and started the conversation I’d been dreading.
“Hugh,” I began softly, setting my half-eaten bagel down. “I don’t… I don’t know what I’m feeling. About us, I mean.”
He nodded slowly, looking at me with that warm, steady gaze that always seemed to calm me, even when I was a mess inside.
“I like you, y/n. A lot. And I’m not asking you to have all the answers right now. But I’d like to figure it out together if that’s something you want to.”
My chest tightened. “But the age thing… your kids… Hugh, it’s a lot. I don’t know if I’m ready for something so complicated.”
Hugh leaned back in his chair, a thoughtful look crossing his face. “I’ve already talked to my son about it, actually. Oscar asked me about you, and I told him the truth—that I’m happy when I’m with you. And he said that as long as I’m happy, that’s all that matters to him. Ava feels the same way, I’m sure.”
I felt tears pricking the corners of my eyes. The relief I felt, knowing that he’d already had that conversation with his son, was overwhelming. But at the same time, the weight of everything else crashed over me, and I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, wiping at my eyes as the tears fell.
Hugh got up and pulled me up from the chair so that I stood in front of him. His arms wrapped me in a soft hug, and his fingers tilted my chin up slightly so he could kiss the tip of my nose. It was a soft, sweet gesture that made my heart skip.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he murmured. “We’ll take it slow. One step at a time. We don’t need to rush anything.”
I nodded, sniffling a bit. “Slow sounds good. Maybe we could… you know, go on real dates? But keep things quiet for now.”
He smiled again, his eyes twinkling with amusement. “Yeah, Blake and Ryan can know, but no one else. At least for now.”
We finished breakfast and cleaned up, and soon we found ourselves on the couch. Hugh wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close. For a while, we just sat there, the silence comforting, our worries temporarily pushed to the side.
I couldn’t help myself. I had to ask. “Did you… did you mean it? That kiss in the gym?”
Hugh chuckled, glancing down at me with that familiar playful spark in his eyes. “Was that not obvious?”
I felt my face heat up, a slow blush spreading across my cheeks. I shrugged, trying to play it off, but the vulnerability in my voice betrayed me. “I had other things on my mind.”
He laughed softly, the sound warm and infectious, and I found myself smiling despite the butterflies in my stomach. There was something so disarming about him, the way he could make me feel at ease even when my heart was racing. His gaze held mine, the tension between us thickening, and suddenly, I couldn’t resist any longer.
Without thinking, I leaned in, brushing my lips against his. It was tentative at first, as if testing the waters, but the moment he responded, everything else faded away. His lips were soft and warm, moving gently against mine, and the kiss quickly deepened, growing more intense with each passing second.
My heart pounded in my chest, the heat between us rising as my hands found their way to his shoulders, gripping them tightly. Hugh’s arms circled my waist, pulling me closer until I was practically sitting on his lap. His hands were firm yet tender, one resting on the small of my back, the other moving up to cradle the side of my face as the kiss continued to build in intensity.
I felt my breath hitch as his lips trailed from mine to the corner of my mouth, then along my jawline, his stubble grazing my skin in the most delicious way. My pulse quickened as I let out a soft sigh, my fingers tangling in his short, soft hair. The sensation of his lips on my neck sent shivers down my spine, my entire body humming with anticipation.
Hugh's hand slid down to my back, pulling me closer to him. I could feel the heat radiating off him, the hard lines of his body pressing against mine, and it sent my mind spinning. His touch was gentle but sure, his fingers tracing small circles on my lower back, grounding me even as everything else felt like it was spinning out of control.
His mouth returned to mine, the kiss now slow and deliberate, as if we had all the time in the world. His tongue teased my lips, and I opened up to him, the kiss deepening as our breaths mingled, the air between us growing hotter. Every nerve in my body was on fire, the warmth of his touch, the weight of his hands, the way he held me, as if I were something precious. I felt safe and reckless all at once, the thrill of being so close to him coursing through me like electricity.
Hugh’s grip tightened on my waist, his hands sliding down to my hips, and I could feel the heat pooling low in my stomach, a heady mix of desire and disbelief that this was actually happening. His lips parted from mine just long enough for me to catch a shaky breath, my eyes fluttering open to meet his. His gaze was dark, intense, and filled with the same want that was swirling inside me.
I couldn’t stop myself. I leaned back in, kissing him with more urgency this time, my hands slipping from his shoulders to his chest, feeling the steady rise and fall of his breathing beneath my fingertips. His body was firm under my touch, and the sensation sent another rush of heat through me. I pressed closer to him, my lips hungry for more, and he responded in kind, his hands roaming over my back.
My pulse raced, and I felt the world narrowing down to just the two of us—the heat of our bodies, the taste of his lips, the way his hands moved over me, every touch igniting something deeper, something I couldn’t control.
Then, out of nowhere, his phone buzzed.
We both froze, breathless, still tangled together. I pulled back just slightly, still feeling the heat of his breath on my lips. "You should get that," I whispered, my voice barely above a whisper, my heart pounding in my ears.
Hugh let out a low groan of frustration but reluctantly reached for his phone. He glanced at the screen and sighed. “It’s Ryan.”
I smirked, trying to catch my breath. Of course, it was Ryan.
Hugh answered, still holding me close as if he wasn’t ready to let go just yet. “Hey, mate.” he greeted casually, though I could hear the slight edge of impatience in his voice.
Ryan’s voice was loud enough that I could hear him through the phone. “So, dinner at our place today? You and y/n should come by.”
Hugh blinked in surprise, clearly caught off guard. “How do you know y/n's with me?”
Ryan’s laugh was almost smug. “Call it a hunch.”
Hugh shook his head, glancing at me with a playful smile. “You in?”
I nodded, still a bit breathless, my fingers absentmindedly playing with the fabric of his t-shirt. “Sure.”
He confirmed with Ryan and then hung up, looking back at me with a soft smile. “Let’s go for a walk before dinner.”
I grinned. The idea of sneaking through the streets with him was somehow exciting. But then reality hit. “You should probably… go get changed." I suggested, glancing down at the clothes he was wearing. "Something more undercover."
Hugh nodded, gently setting me next to him and standing up. "I'll swing by my place and change. Give me a few minutes, and I'll come back for you."
He pressed one more quick kiss to my forehead before heading out the door, leaving me sitting there, my heart still racing from the kiss. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to calm the fire that was still burning inside me. It was impossible to believe that just a few moments ago, I had been straddling Hugh Jackman in my living room, kissing him like my life depended on it.
True to his word, Hugh returned not long after, dressed down in a baseball cap, sunglasses, and a hoodie, looking like a celebrity who's trying to avoid attention. I slipped on a casual jacket and sunglasses, and we headed out, blending into the afternoon crowds as we walked through the streets of New York.
As we wandered, the conversation flowed easily. We talked about work—how his latest project was going, how I was handling mine. We shared stories and joked about the craziness of the industry, but somewhere along the way, the conversation grew more personal. Hugh asked me about my childhood, about the things that made me who I was, and I found myself opening up to him in a way I hadn’t expected.
He told me stories about his kids, about how Oscar was so curious about everything, how Ava was growing into her own person, full of ideas and opinions. Hearing him talk about them made me see another side of him—so caring, so deeply connected to his family. It only made me like him more.
We asked each other questions that weren’t surface level, diving into the things that really mattered, like what we wanted in life, what we were afraid of. The more we talked, the more I realized again how easy it was to be with him, how natural it felt.
Before I knew it, hours had passed, and the sun was beginning to dip low in the sky. We made our way back to my apartment, where Hugh dropped me off so I could get ready for dinner at Blake and Ryan’s. He gave me one short peck before heading back to his place to change.
As I stood in front of my mirror, touching up my makeup and fixing my hair, I couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss, about how right it had felt. Today had been full of surprises, but for the first time, I wasn’t scared of where this might lead. Hugh and I were taking it slow, figuring things out as we went, and somehow, that was enough for now.
When Hugh came back to pick me up, we were both ready for whatever the rest of the day had in store. We were in this together.
The moment we stepped through the door at Blake and Ryan’s, the familiar sound of tiny feet pattering across the floor reached my ears. Before I knew it, all three of their daughters—James, Betty, and Inez—came running toward us, their faces lighting up in excitement.
“Y/n! Hugh!” they squealed in unison, their voices high-pitched with joy.
I couldn’t help but grin as I bent down to greet them, enveloping each one of them in a warm hug. Hugh followed suit, gently embracing them, his face soft with affection. Ryan stood in the doorway, arms crossed with a playful smile on his face.
“I swear, they get more excited when you two show up than when Blake and I come home." Ryan quipped, shaking his head as if the betrayal was real.
I chuckled, ruffling Betty’s hair as she beamed up at me. “Well, I mean, we are the fun ones.”
Blake walked up behind him, smirking as she shrugged her shoulders. “Can you really blame them?” she said, giving Ryan a teasing nudge.
Before I could respond, the seven-year-old James grabbed my hand and started pulling me toward the living room. “Come on, y/n! I want to show you something!”
I let her guide me into the cozy room, where Penny and Baxter, the two dogs, were lounging lazily on the floor. James hurried over to a corner piled high with toys and grabbed two Barbie dolls, her excitement radiating off her.
“Look!” she said, holding up the first Barbie. “This one looks just like you!” The doll was dressed in sporty clothes that reminded me of what I’d worn in my recent Instagram post. “And this one." she added, grabbing the second doll, “looks like Mommy.”
I laughed softly, touched by her creativity. “Wow, you nailed it! I can totally see the resemblance.”
As I sat down with her to admire her Barbie collection, I noticed Hugh standing in the doorway, his smile widening as he watched us. But before he could come over, Betty and Inez had already ambushed him, grabbing onto his legs and giggling uncontrollably.
“Hugh! Hugh!” Inez exclaimed, her arms wrapped tightly around one of his legs. “Can we watch the Minions again? Please? Pleeease?”
Betty chimed in, nodding with equal enthusiasm. “Yeah, can we?”
Ryan strolled into the room, laughing as he leaned against the doorframe. “Again? How many times have you guys watched that now? Fifty? Sixty?”
Hugh chuckled, ruffling Betty’s hair. “Maybe after dinner, alright? You two might know it better than I do at this point.”
Just then, Blake called out from the dining room, “Okay, everyone, dinner’s ready! Let’s give Hugh a break and get some food in your bellies first.”
We all made our way to the dining room, and as I sat down at the beautifully set table, I couldn’t help but admire the spread. Blake had outdone herself again.
“This looks incredible!" I commented as I took my seat, glancing appreciatively at the dishes laid out before us.
Blake smiled, waving off the compliment. “Ah, it’s nothing. Ryan helped, too.”
Ryan straightened in his chair, pretending to be the world’s greatest chef. “Yeah, I practically made the entire thing,” he boasted, earning a playful elbow to the side from Blake.
While we ate and talked about today's events, I noticed that James, Betty, and Inez had already finished their meals. The three of them looked up at Blake and Ryan with wide, pleading eyes.
"Mom, Dad, can we go play with Penny and Baxter now? Please?" James asked, practically bouncing in her seat with excitement.
Ryan exchanged a glance with Blake before nodding. "Alright, you three can go. Just don’t feed the dogs under the table again." he added with a mock sternness that made the girls giggle.
The kids squealed and scrambled out of their chairs, racing back toward the living room where the dogs were waiting for them. Blake shook her head fondly as she watched them go, and we all settled back into the conversation.
I was right in the middle of talking about something funny that had happened at work when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I excused myself, stepping outside to take the call. When I saw Chris Evans’ name on the screen, I smiled.
“Hey, Chris!” I greeted, leaning against the side of the house.
“Y/n!" Chris’s voice came through with its usual warmth. “I’m heading down to New York tomorrow. Wanna grab a beer?”
I smiled. “Absolutely! Let’s meet at the pub we always go to. How’s 7 p.m.?”
“Perfect!" Chris replied. “Looking forward to catching up.”
We wrapped up the conversation, and I headed back inside. As I slipped into my seat, Hugh gave me a gentle smile and placed his hand on my leg under the table, his touch grounding me.
“Everything okay?” he asked softly, his thumb stroking my thigh in a way that sent a small wave of comfort through me.
I nodded, returning his smile. “Yeah, all good. Just Chris Evans. He’s coming to New York tomorrow, so we’re grabbing a drink.”
Ryan’s ears perked up immediately, and his eyes twinkled with mischief. “Oh, Captain America, huh? Should Hugh be worried?”
Blake chuckled beside him, clearly in on the joke. I rolled my eyes, laughing. “No, no need to worry. Chris is like an older brother to me.”
Hugh looked intrigued, glancing between Ryan and me. “You and Chris go way back?”
I nodded, leaning back in my chair as I began to explain. “Yeah, Chris, Scarlett Johansson, and I studied together in New York when we were both starting out. They were a few years ahead of me, but we ended up in the same acting workshops. We hit it off and became good friends.”
Blake leaned forward, curiosity written all over her face. “Oh, you never told me your stories of university! You must have some great ones.”
Ryan grinned. “Come on, spill! Any embarrassing moments with Captain America and Black Widow?”
I laughed. “Oh, tons. Like the time they got lost in Central Park for two hours and missed class. Scarlett shook it off, but Chris was so mortified, and we all gave him a hard time for it.”
Ryan cracked up at the image, and Hugh smiled, though I could tell he was focused on every word. “That sounds like him." Ryan said. “Always such a big goof.”
Blake leaned closer, clearly digging for more. “Didn’t you two do a movie together a few years back? Weren’t there some pretty steamy scenes in that one?”
I felt my cheeks warm slightly at the memory. “Yeah, we did." I admitted, chuckling. “It was a bit... awkward, though, because by then, Chris really did feel more like a brother to me.”
Ryan, however, wasn’t about to let me off the hook that easily. “Wait, so it wasn’t always that way?”
I hesitated for a beat, then shrugged, smiling sheepishly. “Well.. back when we were in school, we might’ve had a little... thing. You know, one of those fleeting ‘we’re young and in New York’ flings. But it didn’t last long. Now, he’s definitely more of a brother figure.”
Blake’s eyes widened in shock, her hand flying to her mouth as she burst out laughing. “Y/n! You never told me you and Chris had a fling!”
Ryan nearly doubled over in laughter, slapping the table. “Oh my god, Hugh, you hearing this? Captain America and y/n!”
Hugh laughed, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes, and I noticed the slight tension in his jaw. He gave a half-hearted chuckle, glancing at me with a mix of amusement and something else—something I couldn’t quite place.
Blake continued to laugh, shaking her head. “I can’t believe you kept that from me!”
I shrugged, feeling a little embarrassed but laughing along with them. “It was a long time ago! And honestly, when we filmed that movie, it just felt... weird. I mean, trying to be sexy with someone who you now see as a brother? Not the easiest thing.”
Ryan wiped a tear from his eye, still chuckling. “I bet those scenes were really uncomfortable to shoot.”
“They were." I admitted, rolling my eyes good-naturedly. “But Chris was a total professional about it.”
Hugh remained quiet for a moment, still smiling, but I could tell something about the story didn’t sit quite right with him.
“So, what was it like studying here in New York? It sounds like it was a pretty wild time.” Blake wiggled with her eyebrows.
I grinned, thinking back to those chaotic, exciting days. “It definitely had its moments. The city was also back then a constant whirlwind. We were all broke, doing odd jobs between auditions, but somehow, it was the best time of my life.”
Ryan leaned back in his chair, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, I bet. Was it all method acting and deep emotional discovery, or were you guys just trying to out-party each other?”
I laughed. “A little bit of both, honestly. There were definitely nights when we all showed up to class with way too little sleep.”
Ryan smirked, clearly enjoying himself. “And Captain America was part of those late-night adventures?”
I rolled my eyes. “Chris was usually the responsible one, believe it or not. He’d be the guy dragging everyone out of some dive bar at 2 a.m., telling us we had early classes. Of course, he wasn’t always that responsible...”
Hugh’s interest was piqued, his eyes twinkling. “You and Chris really went through it together, huh?”
I nodded, smiling at the memories. “Yeah, we had a lot of fun. We’d rehearse scenes together, mess around in the park, just being broke, and ambitious kids trying to make it.”
Ryan, never missing a beat, chimed in again. “So what you’re saying is, if Chris wasn’t Captain America, he could’ve been, I dunno, some Shakespearean actor, dragging everyone through intense rehearsals and then buying them all hot dogs afterward?”
I laughed. “Exactly! The perfect balance of intense and laid-back.”
"What other stories do you have up your sleeve?" Ryan grinned and put his arm around his wife.
“Well.. while studying, I also worked as a barista, and believe me, I was a terrible barista.” I started, chuckling at the memory.
Blake raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “Wait, you worked at a coffee shop?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I needed to pay rent somehow, so I got a job at this little café near campus. It was my first day, and I was already a nervous wreck. The owner was this sweet, older man—kind of like a grandpa figure to everyone. But I was so jittery that when he came over to check how I was doing, I somehow managed to spill an entire tray of coffee and raspberry cake all over him.”
Everyone at the table burst into laughter, especially Ryan, who wiped a fake tear from his eye. “Oh, that’s priceless. What did he do?”
I grinned at the memory. “He just stood there for a second, covered in coffee, and then he started laughing. He looked at me and said, ‘Well, at least you didn’t burn me.’ From then on, he teased me about it every single shift. He’d walk past me and say, ‘Careful, y/n, hot beverages on the loose!’ It was actually really sweet.”
Blake smiled, shaking her head. “Sounds like he was a good guy.”
“Yeah, he was the best." I agreed. “Honestly, he was one of the reasons I stuck around for so long.”
Hugh, who had been listening intently, suddenly leaned forward with a small smile. “Well, since we’re sharing job stories… the ladies might not know this, but before I became an actor, I was a P.E. teacher in England.”
I blinked, caught completely off guard. “Wait, what? You were a teacher? That’s crazy!”
Ryan immediately jumped in with a wide grin. “Oh man, y/n, can you imagine if Hugh had been your teacher back then? You would’ve been the star student in P.E., right?”
I felt my cheeks flush, laughing at the absurd thought. “Honestly, if Hugh had been my teacher, I think I would’ve suddenly developed an intense love for sports.”
Blake burst out laughing while Hugh chuckled, shaking his head at our comments. “Yeah, I can’t imagine that would’ve been appropriate,” Hugh said, still smiling, though his ears were a little pink.
Ryan leaned back in his chair, still grinning. “Hey, you never know. Maybe you’d have inspired her to get into, I don’t know, gymnastics or something.”
Blake swatted Ryan on the arm, but she was laughing just as hard. “Leave them alone! Besides, I bet Hugh was an amazing teacher.”
Hugh shrugged modestly. “It was a good job, honestly. I loved working with the kids, but eventually, I realized my passion was acting.”
I turned to him, still amazed. “That’s so cool, though. I would’ve never guessed. You’ve had quite the journey.”
He smiled warmly at me, and I could see a glimmer of pride in his eyes, as if the memories of his teaching days still meant something to him. “It was definitely a unique chapter in my life. But hey, everything leads you somewhere, right?”
Ryan couldn’t resist one more joke, leaning in with a sly grin. “Yeah, and luckily, it led you to us, huh?”
The conversation slowed down after that, everyone quietly soaking in the warmth of the room and each other’s company. Blake glanced around the table, then clapped her hands together.
“Well, how about we clear the table and grab some wine?”
Hugh and I immediately stood up, ready to help, but Blake waved us off. “Oh no, you two relax. Ryan and I have it covered.”
Ryan was already stacking plates and giving us a wink. “Yeah, sit tight, lovebirds.”
As we sat back down, Hugh placed his hand gently on my thigh, his touch making me feel all warm and cozy inside. He smiled at me, that tender look in his eyes that always made my heart skip a beat.
Feeling a bit giddy, I leaned in closer to him and whispered. “Do you think we should tell them about us now? Or wait until another time?”
Hugh’s thumb rubbed small circles against my leg as he considered it. “Yeah, let’s tell them. They’re our best friends—they should know we’re giving this a shot.”
His quiet confidence soothed the last of my nerves, and I couldn’t help myself. I leaned in and gave him a quick kiss, just as the door to the dining room swung open, and Ryan strutted back in, carrying wine glasses.
“Ohohoh! What’s this? What did I just miss?” he teased, his voice dripping with mock shock. “And don’t forget, there are children in this house!”
Blake followed right behind him, her eyes darting between us, a curious smile playing on her lips. “What’s going on in here?” she asked, setting down a bottle of wine.
Hugh chuckled softly and glanced at me before addressing them both. “Actually, we wanted to tell you guys something. Y/n and I... well, we’re trying this thing out. We’re seeing where it goes.”
There was a brief moment of silence as Blake and Ryan exchanged looks, their expressions quickly morphing into wide grins. Blake let out a little squeal of excitement.
“Oh my god! You talked!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands together. “You two are adorable!”
Ryan set down the glasses with a loud clink, looking between Hugh and me with that signature playful grin of his. “Well, it’s about damn time! You guys have been giving off major will-they-won’t-they vibes for ages.”
Blake nodded enthusiastically. “I’m so happy for you guys.”
Their support and enthusiasm washed over me, easing any lingering uncertainty I had. Hugh squeezed my hand under the table, and I couldn’t help but smile up at him, grateful for how effortlessly everything seemed to fall into place.
Ryan, never one to miss a joke, raised his glass toward us. “Here’s to y/n and Hugh—and to all the future awkward family dinners where we can tease you both relentlessly.”
Blake snorted with laughter, pouring everyone a glass of wine. “Don’t worry, we’ll go easy on you. Sometimes.”
We all raised our glasses, clinking them together in a toast to new beginnings.
The conversation flowed easily as we all continued to drink our wine, sharing more stories and laughing until our glasses were empty. Eventually, we decided to join the kids in the living room. As soon as we walked in, Inez grabbed my hand, pulling me toward her pile of Barbies, while Penny and Baxter trotted over to greet us.
I sat on the floor with one hand helping Inez arrange her Barbies while my other hand stroked Baxter, who had curled up next to me. The rest of the group settled on the couches, chatting and laughing as the kids played around us.
We spent a while there enjoying the comfortable, laid-back atmosphere, but eventually, I felt a yawn escape me. Ryan noticed it immediately and pointed dramatically.
“Alright, I think it’s official—time for all the kids to head to bed!” he teased, earning a laugh from Blake and a chorus of giggles from the actual children.
I chuckled, shaking my head. “I guess I walked right into that one.”
Blake stood up and stretched, signaling that the evening was winding down. “Yeah, we should probably wrap things up before we have to carry anyone out of here.”
We all said our goodbyes, exchanging hugs and thanking each other for the great night. As we stepped outside, Hugh and I found ourselves standing by our cars, lingering in the cool night air.
I smiled up at him, feeling the warmth of the evening still lingering between us. “So, what’s on your agenda for tomorrow?”
Hugh shrugged lightly. “Not too exciting, honestly. I’m helping a friend with some work on his house in the morning, then I’ve got a doctor’s appointment and after that, I’m calling my brother to talk about my visit in Sydney to catch up with my family.”
I nodded. “Sounds like a busy day. Hometown huh?"
“Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve seen everyone." he said softly, then smiled at me. “What about you? Plans with Chris?”
I grinned, the thought of seeing Chris again making me feel both nostalgic and excited. “Yeah, but we’re not meeting until the evening for a drink. Until then I'll call my parents because I promised them last week and after that I'll meet up with my management."
For a moment, we stood there, the air between us feeling charged in a quiet, tender way. After a small pause, we leaned into each other at the same time. He wrapped one arm around my waist, and the other hand found its way to my cheek. Our lips met in a slow, tentative kiss.
When we pulled away, there was a comfortable silence between us, our eyes lingering on each other as if neither of us wanted to say goodbye just yet. I gently stroked my hands over his shoulders down to his chest.
“Well." I said, my voice a little softer than usual. "I guess I’ll see you soon. Good night."
Hugh nodded, his smile warm and easy. “Yeah, good night y/n. Text me when you're home."
"Will do." I smiled.
With that, we each got into our cars, and as I drove home, my mind wandered back to the evening—Blake and Ryan’s support, the kids, the laughter, the stories, and of course, the kisses. My heart felt lighter than it had in a long time, and I couldn’t help but smile as I thought about tomorrow’s meeting with Chris.
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