#Ive never had anyone else say they think this way of people who they arent... In love with basically but for me its about anyone i care abt

[snekdood]

i honestly deserved none of the shit ppl did to me that lead me to this point

[mrfoox]

Me: I think id want to know someone that's mutually obsessed with me... Like I am with them

Oliver: ok... Well then you can meet people, that's very easy!

Me: uh.... Ok

Oliver: yeah I mean your courses, the people there do have the same diagnosis like you so they might think the same way as you?

Me: mmm.... I dont think... I dont know how I think is normal even among people with my diagnose

Oliver: um, okay. Why?

Me: because of how I think of other people... Or other people I like rather

Oliver: yeah, well that's not... Unusual. I mean you want to be around people you like so you obviously think good about them?

Me: mmm, yeah but I don't think... You'd want to know how I think about others

Oliver: why? Now I want to know

Me: no, I don't think you do...

[fujobritta]

community has a lot of lessons to teach but one that i think has always resonated with me is this journey to not specifically accepting being average, but accepting that no one is better than anyone else . just this whole group of people who have some reason to believe theyre better than the people around them who have to come to terms with the fact that theyre just as bad as the people around them . and the character who struggles with this the most is jeff .

in beginner pottery, we see a flashback of jeff and his mother -- with her telling him that hes special and amazing . and because of this, he's so fragile about being worse than someone at something that he genuinely goes fucking insane over it . jeff has this crazy reluctance to accept that rich is just a great guy so bad that that he spends so much of his time researching pottery, trying to find some sort of thing that could make him go "ha HA!" at rich . and the only way he managed to get over it in this episode is by finally accepting that he isn't any better than anyone, imagining his mother now correcting herself and telling him that he is just a perfectly normal guy, who is good at some things and bad at others .

as someone who not only grew up as a gifted kid, but also a chinese person in a white-majority country, i had it drilled into my brain from a young age that i had to be special . im not a chinese standup comedian -- im not going to say that my parents never told me they were proud in me, because thats not true . in fact, its honestly the opposite . ever since i was a kid, i had to deal with being told that i was smarter or more talented; and thats really what drags you down, because now that the expectations in place for you are so high, when you realize that you arent actually much better, it hurts so much worse . thats what pushes you to stay up all night reading the entire encyclopedia of pottery and going crazy .

i think that learning to be average is harder than any acedemic stunt ive ever tried to pull . jeff went from being a lawyer who had italian faucets and got almond facial scrub shipped in from finland to a student at a community college with a study group consisting of a bunch of weird people . and his struggle throughout the entire series revolves around his superiority complex and his very slow acceptance that, yeah, he really is just as bad as all the people around him . despite taking three steps forward, then two steps back on his journey towards accepting mediocrity, in the end its alright -- because thats what change is about .

ive said this a million times but with every series theres characters that i kin that are dissimilar enough to me that i can actually like them . and then theres characters that i kin so hard that my dormant self hatred kicks in and i want to rip them into bits . jeff is the latter . i hate him so much

[madness-combat-confessions]

Okay idk if this is the most Obvious shit and im just slow or if theres been an ask about this or something but we need to talk about cloning and the AAHW more imo!!

If the thing about sanf and dei being previous members (and i think doc being confirmed?) then that begs many questions. Jeb and tricky were also members and we know their lore as past scientists for nexus and then jeb was "hired" by auditor and tricky too probably but we dont have a direct confirmation afaik but everyone else is just? Vauge?

Like either A) AAHW has people working for it that are not clones like the mass agents and soldats and engineers and they are never mentioned (which would be stupid imo considering how far we are into the story) or B) they are all clones that dissented which for deimos is yk not far fetched considering his poster outright stating it

BUT THEN THAT BEGS THE ISSUE ON HAND. Everyone that ive seen online considers the agents as personality-less fucking creatures and i think even canon says smt like that about them but like.. if a clone can dissent then they probably Arent as bland as they seem. And even that isnt far fetched, i mean they hold birthdays apparently and play games to pass time. How deep does it go? How much will do they have? They seem to be conditioned to never run when Hank aka (almost) certain death is around which is one thing but are they scared of death? Do they have favorite foods and colors? How human (or in this case grunt) are they? Is it just Some of them that have self awareness/personality? Are they coded to have a personality? If yes is it random or set? Would the AAHW bother to code a random persona generator?? Do they perhaps lose more of their indaviduality/humanity as they progress up on the food chain to be soldats or engineers??

Idk i keep seeing agents n shit in fics and stuff be shown as these sometimes mechanical creatures with 0 varying personality and 0 humanity and it makes me heavily wonder about them. Maybe theyre just a bit dumber than average due to being mass cloned? Shrug. I dont know i think theyre more interesting when considered to be actual people than just. Puppets. They are metaphorical and sorta physical puppets yeah but like they held a birthday man. Fuck. They had a birthday.

Agents keep me up at night.

-anon MMS if i can claim that cuz its funny /opt!!

Glad to know that I'm not the only one who also thinks about the AAHW!

I personally think/headcanon that basically everyone in the AAHW is a clone because anyone that could had been an actual real person is dead (lol). And idk how to explain it but from what I've read they lack S-3LFS, but they still are kinda like people? Like they might just appear like mindless clones who only wanna kill Hank, and they are that don't get me wrong, but I think they also still act like people to some extent (or at least some of them)

I mean one of the agents in MC 9.2 had been writing "We are abandoned " on a wall so to me that says they're capable of understanding their situation and feeling sad (?) about it?

Now I'm not sure on the engineers and the soldats, I mean a soldat literally blew a rocket where their team was because they thought their boss had told them to. Which makes me think two things

1: The AAHW is a bit too blindly devoted to the Auditor. Which is probably because they are clones that were made/'programmed' to be that way.

2: I think that the soldats and the engineers have less "free will" than the agents because of the ATP

There's also something else I wanna talk about

This:

Like hello? What the fuck did this guy do?

From my understanding what is considered a dissenter in this series is someone who goes against the Auditor and the agency. So what did this guy even do? Did he try to betray them like Deimos and Doc did?

Or was it perhaps something minor like not doing their job? Like actually make a decision for their own and don't do what the Auditor says for once, like how an actual person would do?

I wanna say that's a stupid reason to kill one if their agents, but it's a possibility: the Auditor is shown to not really take it kindly when people don't do their job, she literally sliced a grunt in half for it. Even though all the grunt did was play cards with some other agents.

I wouldn't be surprised if this was the case this guy was damned a "dissenter" and killed by the Auditor (or maybe the other members) for that reason.

So taken to account that they are soulless clones but can still 1: celebrate birthdays 2: play games to pass time 3: dislike their shitty ass situation I'd say that they have some personality, it's just that the Auditor is too strict to allow them to show/act like it. Because she doesn't want people with free will in the agency he wants mindless clones who'd do whatever she says.

Does this make sense I swear it does in my head I'm just bad at putting it to words.

[geminid]

just a bit of a rant about being a fan i guess

the idea for my artbook was smth i put together as long ago as 2018 and actually back then it was intended to be sort of my departure from the FE fandom as a lot of ppl i’d known since the start of the fates fandom in 2016 were also moving on and i wasn’t having the best time in the fandom. In true cringe comedy, I’m still here though, and superbright is becoming a real thing and I’ve thought a lot about it serving its original intended purpose: my last hurrah in this fandom. 

truth is, i still love leokumi. i still have comic ideas and AUs and art concepts i wasnt originally skilled enough to do before but could now. i also rly enjoyed engage and i want to draw more fanwork for it too. and i wish this felt like enough i guess? that i love smth and want to draw it? because it was enough for a long while? but now im just lost because honestly ive had a miserable time in this fandom and all that misery is catching up to me. ive probably gotten worse as a person thanks to fire emblem fandom because i used to actually tweet on main and try to make friends and now all i’m capable of doing is hiding and keeping things to myself. i cant make connections and i can only be quiet because i led myself to believe that this was the only way to protect myself from everyone else (and it rly never worked bc id still regularly get stupid and rude comments on my posts). i cant bring myself to bug people who arent into my ships with my ship content either so i just have to. exist with them i guess. exist quietly. churn out art once in a while i guess. simply being and not much else. 

i want to try to fix this though like. should i take a break? let everyone forget i existed? should i remake my accounts and take the gamble that a lot of my “mutuals-but-not-really-friends-yet-im-trying-tho” won’t follow me to my new account? what do i do with any art i make in the meantime since art is my main hobby and theres no way im not drawing? do i try to leave the fandom even though all of this could happen all over again somewhere else? what would you do in this situation? i cant seem to figure anything out besides that im miserable and i think it sucks that this is the result of what should have been 7 years of my love and dedication for a video game. 

anyway this isnt smth i can burden an individual with so its typed out here to burden everyone equally. did anyone else read the alcry*t forging bonds where leo says he can use brynhildr to turn lcryst to slime. i wish i were reduced to slime. no more neck pain on account of having no neck and i would be cute like those dragon quest guys 

[yurucamp]

are you viewing the asks in your askbox before you view them in email? tumblr has this tendency to delete asks youve clicked on and it will even do it through email sometimes. if its happening that you try viewing them from the app first andnthey never show up but they do in your email then its probably something else.

other possible causes are 1. asker has blocked you or their blog was deleted. the emails are generally permanent until you delete them yourself but the ask will usually disappear if the sender has blocked you or their blog is deleted (not always tho bc tumblrs code is bad)

if the emails have the name of the blog in them then you can test this by searching their blog. if it still exists and you arent blocked then its just tumblr working badly. asks get deleted very easily and by mistake a lot. frequently tumblr will just decide to delete them after you view them. and uf your askbox is empty but still says theres asks that just means your counter is off. its not fixable unfortunately.

if the asks are not showing up in your askbox bit the askers blog still exists then the asks are probably deleted. and if the blog doesnt exist or has blocked you then they are definitely gone. in the event the asker hasnt blocked you and their blog still exists or its anonymous then a lot of people just screenshot the email and answer it that way in a post

sorry this ask is kinda a mess. tumblrs code is really messy and theres aot of weird stuff about how it works so theres not really a single answer to this question unfortunately. ive had this problem before and for me it was tumblr just deciding to delete asks. but its hard to know exactly what the cause is all the time

btw i love ur art and ur game!!!!!

thank u!! hmm that might be it.. i don't understand how the website would "know" that i'd clicked on the email though because i don't open the link 🤔

i thought it might be that the blogs were deleted but it's happened maybe three or four times in the past two weeks, and they were all nice messages so i don't think the askers would block me either..

though i should be used to this site's quirks at this point i suppose! anyways thank you for taking the time to help me and i'm really sorry to anyone who i haven't responded to because of this, it won't bother me at all if you resend your ask!

[voiceofsword]

sry to bitch in your inbox abt this but im so glad you pointed out how so many modern enstarries Dont read the stories and base everything off fandom perception.. i saw these users joking about which character would say slurs and someone was ADAMANT rinne would and tho i knew it before it Really struck me then

a) none of them have ever engaged with this text in any meaningful way, ESPECIALLY not the first games' stories, because surprise! characters in es! did Canonically use slurs! and back then Nobody Liked It. we didnt joke about it. most people i know completely stopped paying attention to the characters who did until they apologized. (tho ofc its more a problem w the writing than the characters, but still. we were young. we had the spirit.)

b) people really like using rinne as a punching bag because they dont read the stories and know literally nothing about him except funny drunk drugs gamble man "fuckboy" who harasses niki and the other bees and its. infuriating.

i dont understand how anyone can claim to like a media without ever properly engaging with it, i dont understand how people have fun misunderstanding characters so drastically, and i also think joking about slurs has gotten wayyy too normalized where people feel comfortable saying these things about these characters they allegedly like. and characters like rinne (with a constructed mask of obnoxiousness and such) are the perfect target for these people. which SUCKS. all of it sucks.

NEVER BE SORRY!!!! i hope this is alright to post i thought your ask was good and insightful and i'll add onto it a little bit with my own thoughts (heart emoji)

yeah um ! was definitely a ride. i wouldnt recommend it to everyone but at least we have hindsight and things like slurs and general offensive terms/behaviors can be warned for, so that much is nice. i remember being really upset about a few of these, and then getting back into enstars earlier this year and reading a few of the more current stories + !! stories i was happy to see that the writing has developed CONSIDERABLY in terms of this especially after beasts. something ive noticed a lot of newer fans do (referencing my previous post irt the feeling morally superior) is that if you like a specific character for whatever reason youre actually a horrible person because that character said something awful once. of course youre allowed to dislike characters for whatever reason but dont tell other people they should perish because they like them (as if liking them means you implicitly agree with said views, more often than not One line in a miriad of stories that you might not even have read). but like you said, characters making ignorant comments (an unfortunate occurrence, although rare, it still happens) is not a reflection of 2d pixels on a screen but rather a team of writers..... idk. its a complicated situation. i see both sides and i think people are justified in liking or disliking but this is a game about idol boys (and girl) got dam

yeah i hate how people treat rinne a lot. like because characters like him and eichi are villains that means everything that they do or say is, at worst, a straight, physical threat to everyone around them, or at best, an annoyance that can make the fandom feel justified in making them the butt of reoccurring jokes. idk what else to say about him that i havent said already but its also 3 am now and i SAID i was gonna go to sleep an hour ago but i think i might just be a filthy liar

ALSO its probably because enstars is long, there's a lot to read and although tl's arent necessarily hard to come by you actively have to seek them out. again i understand how this might be a nuisance but instead of sitting down and listening to summaries or analysis ive noticed that a lot of short form consumption content lends itself to people just. posting the most reactive interpretations, and people playing a game of telephone with said information until a lot of the fandom has come to accept this misinformation as true. LIKE SOMEONE ON TIKTOK SAYING HAJIME AND WATARU WERE RELATED? IDEK IF THAT WAS A JOKE OR NOT? and yeah the use of slurs is like ridiculously normalized now im not one to say whether people can or cannot reclaim slurs and people are free to do as they like if they can. i see this one thing specifically with tatsumi a lot where people jokingly bring up how said character is homophobic or make homophobic comments towards characters even if theyre being like. excited or happy. and idk. personally it makes me sad. like maybe its fandom culture now maybe im old (is 23)

WHY WOULD RINNE SAY SLURS HES LITERALLY GAY AND IN LOVE....COME AWN NOW

[hyperlexichypatia]

ok this has always been a question in the back of my mind regarding autonomy - "what if someone needs help and wants it, but for any reason, never explicitally communicates they want it?" or "what if someone is in a mindset where they dont want help, but after/before they always want help/wish someone would help?"

because ive seen posts like "even if someone is in critical state, unless they explicitly state they want help, then you shouldnt interfere", something along the lines of that.

its affecting how i approach others, especially those who arent doing well mentally (and even myself)... because sometimes, we DONT know what we want, or whats best for ourselves. I can attest to that. I dont know what i need or what i want a lot until i gravely mess up or i miss out etc. Sometimes I say yes when i mean no, and no when i mean yes. Sometimes i reject help both when i actually want it, and when i feel as if i dont need it if I'm not well (psychosis, ocd etc...)

The thing everyone says about "you know yourself best always" and "never intervene on others actions even if theyre not okay if they reject outside help." it... assumes everyone is in a state to know themselves well. amnesia comes to mind, or any cognitive condition where someone will struggle to know what they want/need, or how they feel, and how to communicate such.

Maybe im overthinking and nobody has ever said ppl cant intervene in special cases.. but ive never seen anyone explicitly say they can, either.. so idk what people think about it.

We're all here to overthink, so that's a good thing. I think there are a few issues to overthink here. First of all, what is "help"? I mean this in both a specific and an abstract way. Specifically, what are you considering doing for someone that they haven't asked for and you think they need? Is it something where if you're wrong and they really don't want it, it's no big deal (like giving someone a coffeepot they have no real use for but accept to be polite), or is it something where if you're wrong and they really don't want it, you're severely harming them by imposing something on them against their will (like forced drugging, which is what most policy advocates mean by "getting someone help")? And more abstractly, how can you be sure that what you want to do for someone is actually helpful? The premise of "You know yourself best always" doesn't mean "You know yourself perfectly always." No one has complete self-knowledge. It is absolutely possible for you to be wrong about what's best for you. It's absolutely possible for you to make a decision and regret it -- maybe immediately, maybe years later. And to think "Why did I make such a bad decision? What was I thinking? Why didn't someone stop me?" But you still know yourself best always, not because you know what's best always or never make bad decisions (that's not true of anyone, and is an unreasonable standard!) but because you know yourself better than anyone else can, because no one else can have the lived experience of being you and knowing how you feel and what you need. Or put another way: However bad, unwise, or regrettable your decisions about your own body/mind/life are, anyone else's would inherently be worse. So moving on to the specific: What if someone needs help in a way that they can't communicate due to awareness/communication related disabilities? This definitely happens to me! For example, I have a real problem remembering to eat and remembering that I'm hungry. It's helpful for me when someone reminds me that I haven't had lunch yet, and that's probably why I'm spacy. For yourself, if you know you're prone to bouts of poor bodily awareness, try to ask for help in advance. If you have a willing friend or partner, you can ask them in advance "If I get spaced out, please remind me to eat/ drink/ take medicine/ go outside." For more complicated things, you can look into some of the advance plans and templates suggested by the Fireweed Collective: https://fireweedcollective.org/crisis-toolkit For trying to help other people who haven't asked for it -- or rather, trying to intervene in a way that you think is helpful even though they haven't asked for it -- I would recommend some broad guidelines.

Ask first, and be willing to take "no" for an answer. If someone says no, but seems really disoriented, you might try asking again later, but still be willing to accept a no.

Offer basic things: Food, water, and the opportunity to leave the environment. If the person only eats certain foods, bring them that food. You may need to physically bring it to them if they are too disoriented to get it themselves or even answer whether they want it.

IF you know that they take a medication regularly, and you think it's possible that their disorientation could be caused by a missed dose, offer to bring them their medicine. Do NOT try to get them to start a medical regimen if they're not already on them. DO NOT encourage them to take medication if you know, or have reason to believe, that they're foregoing medication as an intentional choice rather than simply forgetting a dose.

If possible, try to reduce environmental stressors like noise. Turn down music, fans, flashing lights.

If the person is communicating in a way you don't understand, listen respectfully. Don't bombard them with questions. If you don't understand, say so. You can always come back to the topic later.

Offer alternate ways to communicate. If someone isn't speaking well, try typing or another form of AAC.

Be humble. They may not appreciate your offers, nor do they have any obligation to. They might be annoyed or angry by your offers (especially if they've already said "no"), and they have every right to be. Accept this fact going in.

These are some general suggestions for trying to help someone who has not specifically requested your help, but you have reason to believe may be disoriented or otherwise unable to communicate their wants/needs, while still respecting their bodily autonomy. It's not foolproof, but it might be a start.

[mausolealdrift]

Do you have a deathgasm notp??? Sincerely, a canon zakk/Medina was a fucking cosmic fuck up incident truther

oh you’re absolutely right i have So many thoughts about this. sorry this took me forever to answer i needed to collect all of my thoughts together and all of that i am Normal about Characters

so like . for obvious reasons the thought of ppl genuinely shipping zakk and medina as in like……… thinking theyd actually be good together or smthn is a fucking insane idea and im So very glad ive only seen maybe one person say some shit like that. (which like. honestly im starting to think i might have imagined the post in my head just to make myself mad bc i havent been able to find it since ??? but i SWEAR i saw someone shipping them once .) the two of em actually being in a relationship would just be. Awful and unhealthy for both of them

(and yeah zakk and brodie arent exactly healthy for each other either . but in the sense that they both make each other Worse yet neither of them can stay away from the other even if they want to etc etc. which is actually sexy and not just . y’know)

but anyway . yeah Definitely a cosmic fuck up. medina deserves better than that :( like she’s been objectified and treated like shit by pretty much every guy who looks her way and then zakk lies to her abt the one guy who actually respects her to manipulate her into hooking up w him. give her a BREAK

but as much as it was The dick move of the century i think zakk had his reasons for it aside from just boredom. Obviously this is all very much my personal and extremely biased interpretation etc. but i think it was out of frustration more than anything else because he just can’t fucking cope with having feelings for brodie. regardless of whether you see those feelings as romantic or not he Cares too much about him. and he doesn’t know how to handle that so he takes his anger and frustration out on medina in such a spiteful and destructive way because it’s all he knows how to do. and whether he knows why or not, the idea of brodie getting closer with medina bothers him so so deeply – enough for him to try and sabotage their relationship at every chance he gets (and then later trying to keep them apart to stop brodie finding out what he did because he doesn’t want to lose him) under the guise of just being bored or only caring about himself.

and i really don’t think there’s much of a possibility that he did it because he was into her, or jealous of brodie, or anything like that. zakk never showed interest in her at all until then (i.e. when she made a move to try and get closer with brodie) and just….. seemed generally pretty indifferent to her otherwise. if he really wanted to then he could’ve made a move before, but he didn’t.

he purposefully did something that he knew would hurt them both if they (inevitably) found out, maybe not because he genuinely wanted to hurt them but because he’s reckless and destructive in nature, (and maybe a little bit stupid sometimes), and just doesn’t know how else to handle or comprehend his feelings other than to take it out on other people.

i think a lot of the dickhead-ish shit zakk does in the movie seems kind of random and thoughtless and it’s difficult to unpick what his motivations are for the things he does aside from just ‘because’, but a lot of it starts to make a lot more sense when you see it as a result of him caring about brodie far more than he wants to, and not knowing how to handle it. he seems so cruel and uncaring, and he definitely wants to be seen that way, but i think he cares deeper than anyone else in his own (kind of incomprehensible) way. and yeah, it’s still shitty and selfish and fucked up, and he still took advantage of medina and used her regardless of why, but i dunno. i think the reasons for it were a lot more complex than he let on.

(again, maybe i’m reading too much into it all and he is just a fucking cunt who just did shitty things for no reason, but the fact that he still came back for brodie after everything, despite how mad he was, even though it led to him dying in the end, is more than enough to show that he really does care too much for his own good.)

so yeah uh. i don’t fucking know how this went from ‘yeah i think zakk/medina sucks’ to a full-on analysis of zakk. But i dont care actually i love being fucking insufferable about this stupid movie <3

sorry for the massive fucking wordvomit im tortured by the curse of Thinking about characters

[vamossainz55]

So glad we’re in agreement on the parents topic! 😄

I think those people who hold what Carlos’ parents do against him are mostly the same group of people who hate Carlos on principle, nitpicking everything he does or says 🤷‍♀️ I imagine they want to be bullies in real life but are too afraid of consequences so they resort to social media to live out their mean girl fantasies online where you can say anything without any repercussions (unless you’re a celeb I guess). It’s the sad reality we live in. He gets hate when he’s realistic in interviews about ferrari’s results which somehow means he doesn’t have a champion mentality, but when he says he wants to win - he’s totally delusional. Like, pick a struggle, people haha. Or like drama the other day, that he hasn’t been a Ferrari fan since birth therefore isn’t as worthy of support as Charles. Just all these stupid things that make my head explode every time I see it. Why would anyone waste their time posting obsessively about someone they don’t like? I will never understand.

Again, I’m not talking about all Charles fans of course, just those hardcore stans that dedicate their socials to Carlos hate more than to supporting their fav. I like to believe that in a couple of years they’ll look back on what they were doing and be ashamed and learn to never do it again to anyone, celeb or not.

I also want to say that I’m sad that Carlos barely posts on social media himself but at the same time I hope it means he doesn’t see all this stuff, because when this kind of animosity is directed towards you over the silliest things, I think it’s harder to get over it in a way, because you can’t explain it logically to yourself…

so so glad we are in agreement about the parents thing too, i feel like so many people lose touch of reality and forget that theyre humans who have family, friends, that arent a full representation of them 😫.

you might get me introuble w the whole charles thing but… i agree. some (not all at all) are very questionable. i do think they actively as you mentioned spend more time talking abt carlos then their fav which ? why 😭 (ive mainly seen it on f1twt tbh). like the online hate is ridiculous- i also recently realised its really reserved online? i had this perspective that so many of the tifosi disliked carlos but the whole monza weekend he was so so loved. i was so surprised until i realised its literally a problem that mainly exists online 💀.

but im gonna be honest as well, charles as well gets quite a bit of hate. after monza i saw it increase a bit, which i do not stand for and i think overall that those people online should take their heads out of their ass and focus on bringing their favorite driver up than tearing another one down. you can support your favorite driver without rooting for the downfall of another. can your driver only be good/better if the other driver is shitty? is that the image you want? i also agree anon, they’re probably repressed irl and need to release negativity through comments.

i really miss how active carlos was on social media, im sad that i missed his mclaren era and just posting for fun. ofc we get the occasional post here and there but the vibe is really different. but yeah- at the end of the day it might be better that he doesnt see the hate but at the same time i dont think it changes much bc hed still be online… just not posting as often. im just kind of sad we see less of his personality more than anything else ):

anyways this ended up soooo long hehe. hope it wasnt too much but waa i love these types of discussions

[summertimeskinney]

lol just ranting

anyone else at the point where they are just maintaining even tho they arent even close to their ugw? bc im 130 rn and maintaining it but my ugw is at least 74/75 but im just at the point where im not always completely disgusted by my body because im looking at it more subjectively and i dont think i would look good skin and bone.. honestly i dont even know why im doing this anymore. Like i dont even remember why i started doing this in the first place. my hw was like 150-160 and the only reason i became aware of my weight was because authority figures in my life were pointing it out (according to my bmi i was only slightly overweight) I started losing weight rapidly in freshman year because i discovered proana and found a community of people who were in the same situation. and i was praised.. by everyone? i was starving, then i was binge/purging. how did i even end up like this? i mean ive never really had the best relationship with food but i was only overeating a bit. now i eat until i feel so sick that i puke or am in physical pain. i can make myself throw up on demand now? ive gone literal days without eating anything. like nothing at all besides diet soda, sugar free monster, and water. im at the point where my brain is in a constant battle between the decision to binge or starve. i'll just be minding my business than my brain will be like "if you were 80lbs it wouldn't be this way" or "you're so fat, it wouldn't even be hard to be 100lbs or less. like. what are you doing? why are you so heavy and gross?" it won't stop. and instead of starving like i used to i just binge, like all day. and i dont purge either.. i don't even know whats going on anymore. im not depressed like i used to be, but i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i guess you really are in it forever? i never really believed all the warning posts about how bad eds are and how you can never go back, or maybe i just ignored them. i cant even fathom what i really look like. i have body dysmorphia in all the ways. not only do i think that despite being 5' tall and 130 lbs i would fit into anything bigger than a small. i feel gross, but ik that when i go to the doctor she's going to say that i need to lose more weight because im 2 lbs from being in a normal bmi rage. despite my titties literally weighing almost 10lbs. but then i already have troubles fitting into clothes, most places don't carry more than a small or xs in person and almost never go over a small online. i am already an xs - small as an "overweight" person. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find clothes that actually fit me at 75 lbs soaking wet. i saw a video by jesse page today talking about how she always thought that to be a princess she had to be as delicate as possible and never take up space, but then how after gaining weight she fit her princess dresses better and relearned how to feel beautiful. i want to be a delicate little doll that you could toss around and never took up a whole seat. a pretty little doll that you had to be extra careful with because you didn't want me to break. ik its not good to feel this way but i can't change the temptation to forever be empty, live off candy and diet coke, and never eat real food again. to be more of an object than a human being. but then the logical side of my brain pipes in and is like hi, i dont care what i weigh but i want to have a strong healthy body with some good biceps. i dont know how to help myself or be normal.

anyways

im fasting n laxing tmrw bc i need a cleanse. lol bye

[modpoppy]

gonna actually vent about it

its just so hard to describe the feeling of being a corelet post-system collapse. like, i only just found out that theres an explanation for what i am when ive basically been telling myself i must not have counted as a real system since its been years of silence

like first and foremost, i cant.... dissociate anymore? not the way i used to, not in a recognizable way, i think it still happens sometimes, it just feels different and wild and hard to pin down. i also think maladaptive daydreaming has taken up so much of my consciousness im barely aware of anything half the time. but i used to constantly trigger it for myself (mostly because everything just. fucking sucked) and it was a process and it was a way to blip through everything, and now im just... always here, always hearing and seeing and feeling and thinking and thats SO fucking scary???? imagine if you remained aware and conscious every time you slept, even when you didnt dream, you just have to sit there and try not to let your thoughts wander too much. i think its bc i dont have anywhere to go? theres just no SPACE right now, i was able to simply leave consciousness and wait it out as a last resort before, now it feels like im glued straight to the world

i dont know how to express the inherent wrong feeling of always having had a chorus to bitch about things with and suddenly being alone. i think especially since i dont have any friends right now it feels a bit worse, i am literally only ever posting nonsense on here or talking to my sibling (who is at best somewhat insufferable). i cant really comprehend how someone could prefer this, honestly, to each their own but we were an actual dumpster fire before and id still go back to that instead because wed have the chance to TALK

and on that, i loathe the person that came before me and the way things used to work. i have so many memories of the good we shared, the people i miss and the fun interactions, but i also know that we ran this ship basically as toxicly as you can imagine, everything that could have been done wrong it did. this wasnt even our first, or second, or probably third collapse, but i think this ones lasted so much because we got into INCREDIBLY bad places in the last stretch. we were practically non-functional save for the overworked host, who in turn took it out on everyone else for being disruptive and dangerous and picked favorites and broke promises.

so, it sucks knowing im ostensibly based on them, built out of their brain. it sucks that ill be forever tied to the person they were and i cant really say we arent the same. it sucks that ive been saddled with their life choices and if i think too hard about it i dont know where what they decided we want ends and where whatever i am begins. i dont even know if i really am interested in accounting or if thats a residue.

but yeah so im over here like. i dont feel valid talking about system things. i feel deceptive not talking about system things. i want to reminisce but i dont want to talk about the old system. i want to talk about system things but i feel like a poser or something. in theory i know its my business and i dont need to prove anything to anyone but in practice well

evidence is everything in the court of peers

i miss them and i hate them and i accept the existence of anyone now and future and it scares me, that i may stay alone forever, and that i may never know if or how we couldve worked out our differences and settled into a life we could all live. maybe one day. i dont know how or if it can be sooner. i dont know what ill do until then.

[carvinglittleholes]

okay ik im autistic but i heard The Band's song The Weight on a commercial last night n it was a cover so i was like what the fawk those arent my canadian sweethearts n i got kinda :(( but then i was like that song is so hugely fucking popular anyway idrc also holy fuck i have something stuck in the back of my throat i think it's a tiny coffee ground. there was this episode of curb your enthusiasm where Larry gets a pubic hair tangled around his uvula i feel like that rn I GOT IT FINALLY okay... had strange experiences the past two days. i just want to dive into the mystic. but i close my eyes and im in shopping centers and auditoriums and motel rooms and i cant tell if these places are worlds away from my own interpreted by my imagination or if everyone's heads contain portals to other places. i keep getting nauseated from reciting the parentheses pattern <[()()][()()]><[()()][()()]> and only when i travel into my mind through the mystic i feel i can actually breathe from it, i was standing in the shower yesterday and i realized id been puffing short breaths in the shape of the pattern, its hard to explain but i count when i chew and breathe and walk and drink and smoke to make sure it all fits in the pattern and after doing that all day it gets sickening. as ive been saying lately music is overpowering any painful urge or mentality i come across like some aural amphetamine, when i listen to music i want to cry because of how beautiful it is and every lyric spells out twenty thousand different words that flood into my head and illustrate themselves as seperate places that i visit each time i listen. thank you to Van the man for writing Caravan and Into the Mystic and Tupelo Honey, thank you to The Band for writing It Makes No Difference and Stagefright and The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down and The Shape Im In and for sacrificing your 1976 thanksgiving for The Last Waltz (thank you so fucking much i wish i could meet you all), thank you to Neil Young for writing Helpless, thank you to Jeff Mangum for writing On Avery Island and My Dream Girl Dont Exist, thank you to Metallica for firing Dave and sparking the spiteful flame of a guitar genius, thank you to Dave for... being yourself. i can't express my love enough for the music i listen to. i know it's stupid and crazy but i hear these songs and i feel the history of everyone playing and singing and i feel it dragging down their souls like anchors, i feel their love and expression in waves of sound, its an energy transference that exceeds ourselves as human beings, human interaction, we all are transformed into vessels being the only thing cementing our souls because music does everything in its power to release what lies beneath your skin, together we will gooooo intooo the mystiiic... mom agrees with me about the energy transference between performer and crowd so im very curious if there is anyone else who listens/views music in this way. lexicons in the infinities, what songs bring you into the mystic???? yesterday i was driving and i found myself in ghost towns I'd never been through before and everything was new to me and the radio was ringing my ears and I felt the way I do in my mind, free under the sun released unto the earth in all its green and blue and wind carrying spirits and answers. so i know that this feeling is real, this world and life are real, the people i know are real and that fear is for now silenced. I've never felt so human. and im freeeeeeww freeee fallinnn (I don't even rlly like that song) but also It's like I feel my soul moving as a seperate entity in my body, I am PREGNANT with MYSELF... jk but dunno probably gonna draw and write and watch concerts today. btw there's this interview with Robbie Robertson talking abt the death of Levon Helm n he was like "at his hospital bed I held my brothers hand and told him I'd see him again" or something like that n I wanted to cry. angels in human form. once human now spirits in flight. I rlly want a Limp Bizkit shirt or like one with Kid Rock giving the finger on it

[psychiatricwarfare]

oh, i am So Glad you asked

so my experience with medical professionals has been Incredibly Negative but i want to start this off by acknowledging how lucky i am to have at least two medical professionals that genuinely try their best to help and care for me and i would be lost without them.

now then, i was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD at a very young age, however the doctors failed to inform my parents anything about what this actually means. this, ultimately led to my parents not having any idea of how to properly address my needs as they differed from others. this resulted in trauma from years of being misunderstood by peers, family, neighbours, etc. and had Anyone told me or my parents at any point what ADHD and OCD actually are, i wouldnt be struggling so badly now

when i was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression at 12, i was sent to a therapist who told me to try not taking my antidepressants for a while to see how i feel - something she absolutely Did Not have the authority to do - and to not tell my mom about it. when my mom inevitably found out, she completely ghosted us

at 13 i started getting severe abdominal migraines that kept me out of school for days at a time (this turned out to be stress) and if i did go to school, when i got home i would pass out (something i only found out years later when i learned that you cant remember if youve passed out because your brain blocks out 2 minutes before and after). at the time i thought i was just getting light headed and my vision would go purpley black for a second and stop. since i was home alone during this as well, i didnt have anyone else to tell me i had passed out. so after getting a MRI, my neurologist told me there was nothing wrong, good right? No!!! after switching to a different neurologist i discovered theres a Very Visible cyst on the back of my head pressing against my occipital lobe that could be a serious threat to my vision!!!!! i was supposed to have a follow up MRI that the doctors just never scheduled and it was never brought up again

even the best therapist ive ever had to this day would laugh at me when i brought up how on our First appointment she said it sounds like i have autism and after doing tons of research that i agree and think my dad has it as well (something ive brought up with him and he also agrees which is insane bc he usually disagrees w me on everything). she would laugh at me saying that she never said that and that i dont seem autistic to her at all (despite nothing making sense in my life unless looked at through the lens of me being autistic).

when i got a psychiatrist at age 18 the first thing he did was yell at me for not telling him i had a dissociative disorder i Didn't Know I Had. then proceeded to say to me that all of my struggles i was describing was very clearly autism but he wont diagnose me because "clearly [im] very self aware and intelligent. Autistic people don't realise they're being bullied." he then told me the ONLY way to "cure" depersonalisation-derealisation disorder was to buy this $500 book and go to a nearby clinic that doesnt take insurance. oh he also managed to lose my prescriptions in a database that you supposedly cant delete anything from somehow. he actually said to me, "are you sure i prescribed anything for you?" and i had to show him the bottle with his name printed on it

when i told my therapist about having a dissociative disorder she told me that she knew that already and that we had apparently been working on it for Years and so clearly her treatments arent working if i cant even remember that i Have the disorder in the first place and told me i had to seek therapy somewhere else bc she cant do anything else for me than what shes already tried. this is the best therapist ive ever had and she would not only laugh at me for bringing up that i clearly have autism and dropped me as a client bc i was too severe of a case for her

ive had therapists reject me before we even started because my case is too "severe" for them

now, im dealing with physical issues as well. ive always been a very active kid- gymnastics, dance, cheer, mma, snowboarding, etc. - and i always had this light ache in my legs for as long as i can remember. now, i always thought this was normal but apparently it is Not. the pain started getting exponentially worse in recent months however, resulting in me having to use a cane to walk, ice and stretch my legs frequently, and even collapsing at work and forcing me to have to quit even more recently. i told my doctor and she.. prescribed me vitamin D and norhing else. i tried to keep pressing it and her response was, "try the vitamin D and see if that helps!" it has not. after speaking with my dad's gf who has chronic pain in her legs as well, she showed me that vitamin D can, in some cases, worsen bone pain!!

these are only a few stories i have of the professionals who ive seen being unbelievably Wrong about their supposed "area of expertise" but theyre the ones that i can name off the top of my head! i also strongly urge others to add their own experiences if you want to, positive or negative <3

crazy how every mentally ill/disabled person i know, knows more about psychology than most psychologists i know

absolutely wild how every physically disabled person i know, knows more about them than almost every professional i know

its almost like they should listen to us or something

[ethernetmeep]

i believe an integral part of my being is trying to extend and be more than just whatever my self is supposed to be. my therapist has made note i go above & beyond to care for others and make sure they're okay, which is true, but its interesting because i also make sure my own health is important. at least, i try to. i had a conversation about this a long time ago in regards to comfort, and how i was the one uncomfortable so often by worrying about others being comfortable. this still happens, unfortunately. i wouldn't say i don't put myself first, its like i try to balance both aspects of the same importance. i want others to be okay just as much as i want to be okay. i do not want to be stepped on but simultaneously don't want to step on others. does this make sense? i do not know. i am going to continue talking so i don't make a post which is a repeat. anyway, i believe the part of self which wants to try is integral. i dont want to say i yearn to fix everything, because it isnt true. i do not become friends with someone to fix them. thats..... thats setting up for failure. i become friends with people who seem alike to me, and if we are not alike then all the more so. i try to extend my walls, even when i don't want to. i am always actively fighting some force which i jest about because all i want is to be isolated & only know people i can connect with on a personal level but know this is not going to lead to a healthy adulthood. i know when im at my job im going to have to talk with men who will be assholes or men who undermine my knowledge because of who i am. what im saying is that although in a perfect utopia i would only be surrounded by those who understand me this utopia is a dying dreamworld and is never going to exist. although i do not feel like my true self when talking to some of these people, that comes with doing so. someday i will find someone i feel alike to, and i have! ive found a few acquaintances online and the like. i think i just have to keep trying, or something.

however, something also integral is my... ugh, i do not like referring to myself in positive ways, it is strange. i consider myself just average, but my pedestal of average isn't the same for other people. anyway, as i was saying, something also integral is my understanding my way of living isnt something i put onto other people. there is probably someone out there that only wants to talk to people that get them, and i understand that. i too want to do that, but i don't-- reason mentioned in the above paragraph. i don't think they're weak for it, nor do i see them as below me for following that base instinct. there probably is someone out there that doesn't want to talk to anyone because they're afraid of it & it is something i can hear and nod my head towards. i cannot say i understand anything fully, as every experience is different, but i can nod. there is someone out there that fits whatever archetype we may want to put here, inevitably. i can nod when someone wants to be alone, i can silently nod when someone wants to not be alone but is alone because not being alone means the off chance to be someone they arent ready to be. i cannot offer to fix this, because that isnt what i ever want to do; being in the front seat of someone elses life is scary. i also.. cannot do that. if a person wants to change, the person themselves has to strive to do so. i know this personally. i cant shake a magic wand and make you normal, make me normal. we just have to keep trying and hope its working. and, if they don't want to change, who am i to try and say they should? sometimes it can do the exact opposite & make someone feel as if they are broken.

this whole post ended up being a long winded way of saying something, but i can't really summarize what. i guess imagine we're different people (we are, but continue reading), you the reader and i the writer of my personal blog, and we're both sitting on pavement. you can't change my integrity and the fact i look the way i do nor can you change the fact i care about other people. i cant change the way you look or your own personality traits. i can do something basic like tell you to tie your shoes if your shoes are untied but ultimately i should not tie them for you without asking or teach you how to tie your shoes because hey you know the exact same stuff i do and it'd be weird to belittle you like that even if it isnt intentional. (unless you want to be told to.) what if you like the look of untied shoes? what if tied shoes makes you feel constrained? theres always something new to think & realize. you exist and i exist as separate entities under the same moon. my only hope is that someday we can exist & you can say "my day sucked" & instead of trying to fix it we share a candy bar & i say "that sucks, dude" & instead of outsiders being mad that im not asking what happened we make our own reality & tell the other when they want something like that. or something. ever since i listened to the perfect pair ive been thinking about communication.

[catboyzilla]

its night and im missing him, i keep trying to thug it out and convince myself i hate him because i KNOW he hates me and we arent going to get back together cause he fucking HATES ME because i was too clingy. i feel so hopeless bro. i hope someday i meet someone who loves me the way I am, someone who fucking actually keeps their promise to love me always, one person who doesnt just use me for my body and then leave. im so fucking mad at him i never want to talk to him again.

just one part of me is holding onto the hope theres a chance. but he hates me, so why do i hope for a person that can switch up so fast and go from loving them to immediately hating them. i hope when hes older, he realizes that this was fucked up. i hope he actually takes responsibility instead of acting the victim and blaming everything on the other person. i wasnt fucking perfect but at least i loved you. maybe all he wanted was my body. he always tried to tell me he wasnt and i believed him, but ive gotten used for my body so many times. i dont give a shit if this annoys him or izzie or anyone else. i should be allowed to express myself. i should be allowed to share my thoughts, it isnt my fault that they read this. i should be able to say what i want on here because this is where i journal. this is where i speak, vent, rant. i know im impulsive, thats why i come here to speak. thats why i didnt fucking go off on you when you broke up with me. i had a good fucking coping strategy and it helped me stop being toxic. OH AND BY THE FUCKING WAY, i wasnt going to relapse because u couldnt fucking call me, i was going to relapse because my fucking family is horrible to me. thought u would at least understand the pain of ur family hating u would be. that fucking post was me appreciating you. i appreciated you so much. it doesnt look like you did though. i never fucking cared that you would call your friends, i never cared when you couldnt call me, i never cared if i couldnt go over to your house, i never fucking CARED if you couldnt talk to me. i just cared that you were happy. i cared that you wouldnt leave me because i was too much. i never tried to put anyrhing on you. you hurt me so mcuh. i put on an act of being sad that you couldnt come over, i put on acts of missing you because i wanted you to feel wanted. like i always wanted to feel. it hurts that you could just hate me after everything . i dont hate you. i never hated you. id understand if you disliked me but how could u hate me. how could u hate me after holding my face and staring me and telling me how much you loved me and how beautiful i was. how could you hate me after giving me something that you cared about because you wanted to be with me forever. how could you hate me after i held you and let you lay on my chest because it made you feel safe. i dont think you really hate me. i think you are just saying that because you are emotionally distant. you dont like being sad. you dont like being alone. you dont like not having anyone to love. i know all your secrets. you know mine. i dont want my stuff back. i just want my secrets back. i want to give u ur secrets back cause now i know everything about you. everything. and it fucking HIRTS. because i still love you. i cant move on that fast. i admit it, i shouldn't love you, i shouldnt miss you. but i do, and that fucking hurts that i do. cause i wish i didnt. i wish i had the confidence to tell everyone how much i hated you. but i dont, because i dont. i loved you. this is only going to ADD stress onto you. now, you have so many people against you. now, you have no one to support you besides your friends. thats not ever going to be enough for you though. when your up late at night, you will think of me. you will think of the ways things couldve been. you will think of the way you felt when we were together. you will. and when you do, im not going to be there to help you. im not going to be there to comfort you and tell you its all going to be alright. im not going to be there to tell you that you didnt hurt me; that you didnt do anything wrong. you will just sit there, and think of every way things could have been better. the way i feel now, you will feel it. even if its not now, you will. i wont be there. you wont have izzie, you wont have lola, you wont have me. you did this to yourself. no matter how much your dad defends you, it wont be enough to make izzie love you again. she hates you. lola does too. i was trying to help them to get to not hate you anymore, i was convincing them to like you again.

i literally did everything i could behind the scenes to make your life a little better.

why couldnt you just stay in my life? that was the only part that made mine a little better. that i had a boyfriend. maybe i js miss the way i felt in love. maybe i dont miss YOU, but the feeling. but i doubt. i do miss you, i miss your smile. no one smiles like that. i miss your laugh, it was soothing and it made me happy. i miss the fact you liked my body. i miss the fact that you had gentle eyes. i cant imagine how you look with hate in them. like you hate me now. i need to tell myself you hate me. even if i dont want to believe it. i need to get over you. even it i dont want to, you already are over me. idk how thats possible. its been 3 days? but yk. yeah. whatever. im not a victim, neither are you. accept it.