#i just cant do a year of mind numbing shit work like that

[justasillylad]

Missed Assignments

notes: SODA HAS ADHD AND U CANT TELL ME OTHERWISEEEE I WILL RANT ABOUT THIS TILL THE DAY I DIE!!!!!!!! anyways yeah uh enjoy i've never really wrote a fic before so it might be ass. srry. inspired by some of my experiences with my adhddd. rip sodapop curtis you would've LOVED concerta

warnings: nothing much, just angst n shit

A hand slams a paper in front of him. 

“Really, Soda? Another missing assignment?” His brother sighs. Sodapop adjusts in his seat, taking his legs off the table. He grabs the paper from his brother's hand– some sort of Trigonometry packet. 

“Look, you and I both know that we can’t afford for you to flunk math. They’re just itching for an excuse to take Ponyboy and you away from me.” 

“Christ, Darry, it’s really not that deep. I was just about to get to it,” Soda replies.

“‘Just about to get to it?’ That’s what you’ve said for the past 13 assignments.” 

And so, he ran into his bedroom and got started on the assignment. 

…..is what he hoped would happen. 

But before he knew it, it was 9:23 and he was still on the second fucking question. It wasn’t that tricky. He knew he could probably figure it out. So, why couldn’t he? It was like his mind was actively working against him or some shit. He wanted to kick, and scream, and break something. He was so close to just snapping that pencil in half. 

“Soda, it’s getting late. Maybe you should call it a night.” his younger brother said.

‘Naw, I have to finish this today. Can’t fail math.” 

Ponyboy looked a bit skeptical, but he shrugged. ‘If you need any help, ask me.” 

“I'm fine.” Soda snapped. And he was. He could do this. He knew he could. But Pony persisted.

“I’m serious, if you need any help with anyt-”

“I’m FINE. I don’t need help from a 14 year old, I’m not a fucking idiot, Ponyboy! I can do a simple math packet.” 

He watched the way his brother froze up. The sympathy leaving his face. Pony started to run out the room. Regret filled Soda. He started to stammer out an apology.

“Nonono, Pony, I didn’t mean that. Honest, I didn’t. I didn’t mean to yell. Pony, pl-” He got cut off by the slam of the door. And so here he was, sitting all alone in his room.

Cold was the best way to describe how he felt. Cold and numb. He sat there deflating as he cupped his face. All this over a fucking math packet. 

“You fucked it up again, Soda. You always do.” he muttered to himself. He remembered something Darry told him once, after Soda damn near burnt the house down because he forgot to add water to the pasta. ‘You never think, Soda, do you?’

Fuck. He felt terrible. Absolutely fucking terrible. 

“It’s a wonder they even put up with me. I’m always messing shit up. Always. Feels like I can’t do a single thing right.” 

He continued to stare, watching tears stain the paper that he still couldn’t bring himself to finish. 

[babygirl097]

Sai

Bayverse!Raph x reader

Shredders first attack on New York. No one knew who took him down, but what happens when a local photographer was able to snap a picture before the true hero's were able to make it into the sewer.

Part 1 of 4

ALL PARTS ON MY PAGE

Hectic. If thats even the word to describe it. Debre everywhere, people running ,screaming, crowding this man who fell from the piller wedged between two skyscrapers. Not me, he wasn't the only thing falling from the sky.

Being a photographer, I always carried my camera. And being that I was the only one paying attention to what else was happening, I quickly lifted and clicked the button. Looking down at the photo I took.

4 figures. Huge. Green? Double checking the photo. As the crowd grew around me I quickly shut my camera off and headed back to my apartment. So much for a stroll out.

Heading inside and grabbing my laptop, I plug my camera into the port. Pulling up the recent photo. Exciting it and making it larger, there they were.

What are they? They had shells like turtles but, they had weapons attached to them. They were massive, clearly reaching over 6 feet tall.

Fascination and curiosity took over. Who are they? What are they?

*Two years later*

That picture hadn't left my mind. 2 years later its still there. Having no clues or getting any closer to the answers I crave. How is there no sightings or news about them? Everytime I feel myself needing to ask someone I cant bring myself to do it.

They clearly didn't want to be seen, plus who will believe me?

Well, I did let it slip to one person. My annoying roommate Casey, my cousin. And as I expected, he didn't believe me. Not that I care, I know what I saw.

Sitting in the living room, staring at the picture again, Casey walks in. "Really again?" He asked

"I cant help myself. I know their real, how else would I have got this?" I said lifting my device.

"Who knows, those cheap cameras bug all the time" he mumbled fixing his shirt

Rolling my eyes, "where are you headed to?" I asked

He sighed, "you remember the attack two years ago? Well that low life shredder is being moved today to a now facility. And guess who's transferring him?" He replies

"Hopefully not you" I jab with a smile

"Oh shut up" he laughs

"But seriously be safe okay? Rent is expensive and I don't want to pay it myself or God forbid find a new roomie" I said

"Ha ha, very funny" he replied sarcastically

30 minutes later he walk out bidding a goodbye.

Having a deep feeling in my gut I head to take a bath, its getting late might as well get ready for bed.

Sighing, looking at the picture. "Please be real" I whisper.

After my bath the feeling slightly went away. As I laid down staring at my plain ceiling, the thoughts keep running through my head. If shredder is being moved, those figures have to be keeping track right? Guessing they were fighting him. There is no way that scrawny Vern guy did it himself.

But, what if? What if they were working for him, being that they left so fast? Sighing, I guess I'm not going to get much sleep. Question after question kept coming.

Rolling over looking at my clock, I've been stressing over my thoughts for two hours. Groaning I get out of bed and head to the kitchen for some water.

Just as I make it to the kitchen, Casey came slamming through he door, "Shit Casey!" I yelled

"Damit!!" He yelled back

"What's your damage dude?" I asked placing my hand over my racing heart

"You remember shredder? Yeah well those foot people broke him out and he just, he just disappeared! Then out of no where this trash tuck pulls up trying to stop them, throwing man hole covers and it had these huge numb chucks! I tried to explain but you know what I got?! Fired!" He rushes

"A trash truck?" I asked

"Seriously? That's all you got from that?" He groaned

"No, I just-" I started

"You don't believe me do you?" He asked

"Yes, I do its just this sounds-" I started again

"Crazy, I know I know" he sighed

He walkes over to the couch, plopping down.

Sighing, I walk over and sit with him

"Look, I'm sorry you lost your job. Maybe we can figure something out" I suggested

"No, there were two other prisoners on that bus. I'm going to hunt them down and bring them to justice." He said

"Okay Mr. Detective. How do you plan on doing that?" I asked

"Their low life's, not one single braincell between them both. I'll figure it out." He replied

Hmm maybe just maybe I might be right. If that trash truck was there to stop shredder, could it be who I think it is?

"I'm going to head to bed, goodnight" I reply getting up.

Bidding his goodnight, I head to my room. Numb chucks, I know the orange one had those on him. Man hole covers, they went into the sewer after the attack.

Pulling up the picture one more time, " I might be onto you" I mumble

[im-gonna-squeet]

I still dont know who you are, I only know that I'm still lonely chap 2

Donnie has a bit of a late night breakdown, but all is well when they take care of their family, and theyre rewarded with twin cuddles (chap. 1) (chap. 3)

Donnie couldn't sleep.

They should be excited. But they just felt numb. It's not fair.

Just a few hours ago they were fine. They were so excited! Happy!

But now they can barely feel anything.

Whilst they struggled with identifying emotions, they still felt them, in fact they were a rather emotional person, so it was very noticable when they were gone. And they didn't know what to do.

This has happend throughout their entire life, but has become far more frequent since The Technodrome.

You would think that having an issue for your entire life would mean youre able to cope with that issue. Especially having a sibling as well-versed in psychology and emotions as Michael is. But apparently, that isn't how it works.

Having awful emotional permanence surely didnt help. It's very hard to keep a diary of your feelings when you forget about them immediately after you stop feeling them. Which makes it really hard to ask for help.

Emotions are exhausting and confusing, but Donnie thought they preferred having them to not.

The only time they didn't want to feel was after Shelldon... NOPE! No. He's back. Hes ok. Hes alive. No need to go back there ever again.

They decided to go and get a drink... and maybe check on Shelldon on the way. And their siblings. And Papa. But only because they couldn't sleep, and they were heading that way anyways.

They swung their legs over the side of their bed to get up, realising their mistake a moment too late.

"SHIT!" They exclaimed as they fell to the floor, legs unable to hold their full weight.

They covered their eyes with their palms as they let out a shaky breath.

Fuck.

Why do rhey keep forgetting about that.

They let out a quiet sob as tears started to wet their palms and the shock made their emotion flood back. Desperately trying to comfort themself, they pulled their knees to their chest, grabbing their plesiosaur plush from their bed and holding it close, burying their face into the well-loved stuffed animal.

Its not fair. Its not fucking fair. They just wsnted to be a normal-ish teenager. Sure, they can still technically do most of the things they used to be able to do. But it was diffrrent. Which meant that they were different. And they didnt like change.

They cant skateboard anymore, and they might never be able to again. They loved skateboarding.

Logically, they knew that with their enhanced healing, they would more likely recover than not, but it had been a fucking year and they'd made barely any progress.

And sure, their family were very accommodating and understanding, but they didn't get it. Not in the way Donnie needed them to.

It made them angry, and they hated themself for it. Because its not their fault.

They would never want anyone to see what they saw, to feel what they felt. But it just sucked sometimes. It was so isolating and lonely. They just wanted someone to understand. To really, truly know them. To listen to them and go 'yeah, i get it'.

But they never would.

Because if The Technodrome was to be beleived, and they see no reason why she would lie, nobody else had seen what she showed them. Or if they did, they didnt survive to tell their story.

But they all went through horrific trauma that night. Raph was literally mind controlled and Leo was trapped in the prison dimension with Prime for fuck's sake! There was no way they were talking about this and risking bringing back those memories, they wouldn't do that to them. No matter how painful and isolating it was.

They stayed there for a little longer, breathing deep, shaky breaths and listening to their own heartbeat.

Now they really needed a drink.

Thankfully, they had created a new, more comfortable battle shell for prolonged use. Though it wasnt really a battle shell more like a get-around-the-lair shell. They kept it next to their bed so they could put it on when they woke up.

After taking a second to put their glasses on, they put their battle shell on, securing it.

They released the spider arms and made their way to the door (after tucking in the plesiosaur plush, of course).

The kitchen light was on when they got there, which wasn't surprising as the others tended to forget to turn them off after getting snacks.

Donnies hands shook slightly as they took out a glass from the cupboard, then the cordial from thr cupboard below it. The shaking persisted as they made their drink and put the cordial away. Thry took a sip. Then another. Then downed the whole thing. They hadn't realised just how thirsty they were.

They left the glass in the sink, far too exhausted to wash it right now.

Since Papa's room was closest, they decided to check on hin first, then Raph, then Mikey, and then check on Leo & Shelly at the other end.

Their dad always left his door open at night so that he could hear his children and they could hear him. Donnie stuck their head through the door and listened out for a moment, some of the tightness in their chest dissipating as they heard him snore. They didn't feel the need to check any further and turned to their next destination.

As they approaced Raph's room, they could already hear her snoring, but decided to go in and check on her anyway. Walking further in, they saw that Raph had dropped a couple of her stuffed animals in her sleep, and took moment to put them back properly.

Pulling the blanket over her a little more, they gently stroked the side of her head with their thumb, snoothing out the creases in her brow. Once Raph had settled down and started to smile slightly, Donnie got up and made their way out of the room and towards Mikeys, feeling lighter than before.

Mikey was a very quiet sleeper, so Donnie couldn't hear anything outside of his room.

Making their way in, Donnie made sure to tidy Mikeys desk whilst still leaving everything out and in view so he didnt forget about anything.

Mikey was sound asleep in his bed, completely sprawled out with the blanket tied up in ways Donnie wasnt sure they could do if they tried. Nevertheless, they managed to free Mikey from the blanket without waking him – thank you extra arms – and lay it over him instead so he didn't get cold.

They stayed for a moment longer, just watching him breathe, until they felt secure enough to leave him alone. It was truly incredible how much calmer they felt now compared to when they first got up.

Donnie, Leo, and Shelldon all had rooms on the opposite side of the layer, with theirs on the end closest to their lab, and Shelldons between them and Leo.

Leos room was on that side because of twin reasons. As much as they loved to make fun of eachother and get in dumb fights, they really were part of eachother. If either one needed any sort of comfort or help, the other – no matter how angry they may be, will always be there for them. They understood eachother like nobody else. And they will do anything to keep it that way.

Gently pushing open the door to Leos room, they made their way over to his bed. Leaving the haphazardly stacked comic books just the way he likes them. From the looks of it, Leo had fallen asleep on his phone, so Donnie made sure to put it on charge, gently removing Leos mask and fixing his blanket. But Leo was a much lighter sleeper than everyone else, and opened his eyes, blinking a few times before letting out a scratchy "Tello?"

Shit.

"Yeah, its me, Lee, sorry for waking you Ill-"

They were cut off by Leo gently grabbing the sides of their face, his face scrunching up in concern, " 'v you been crying?"

They cringed. Ah. Right. They didnt wash their eyeliner off. God they probably looked like such a mess right now. "Yeah, im- im- im okay now though. Go back to sleep."

Leo grabbed their hand and pulled gently, clearly inviting them to join him.

"Sigh. Alright, fine, but I have to go check on Shelldon first, ill be right back. Promise." They gave Leo a kiss on the head and stood to leave after he nodded.

Well, they were spending the night in Leos room now, they supposed. They were grateful for it to be honest, they didnt really want to be on their own right now.

As they entered Shelldon's room and saw the droid charging, they felt the last (biggest) bit of their anxiety melt away and they were so releived they could cry.

They quickly made their way to his bedside, lowering themself to kneel next to him.

Then they did start crying. He was there. Their son. Their baby. Safe and comfortable and alive. They gently caressed his face and neck, careful not to wake him. Leaning over, Donnie gently kissed him on the top of his head. He's right there. And he's okay.

Donnie stayed there for a few minutes, just watching him. They wanted desperately to hold him. To take him in their arms and never let go. To make sure nothing can never harm him ever again. But they didnt want to wake him.

Soon enough, they felt almost all of their anxiety leaving them, so they left back to Leos room.

When they got back, Leo wasnt asleep, and was clearly trying very hard to stay that way.

Donnie sat down on the edge of his bed where Leo cleared the blankets for them. They took their battle shell off very carefully so they didnt hit Leo and placed it next to the bed. Then they took their glasses off and put them on the bedside table before moving themself to lie next to Leo, resting their head on his bicep and wrapping their arms around him. "G'night. Love you." Leo managed to get out before immediately passing out. "Night Leo, I love you too." Donnie replied, feeling warm and safe and secure for the first time that night before they joined their beloved twin in sleep.

reblogs > likes

[nerves-nebula]

what made your first year of college so much worse than the second?

godddd where do i even start. Complaining goes under the cut cuz it’s too damn long.

8 hour studios 3 times a week that start at 8 AM and only break for lunch. one of the professors expected us to stand the entire time we were drawing and only sit when we went on break. plus homework for those studios, because each studio was a different foundational class. and on the days when you dont have those studios you got other foundational classes like art history and literature or something. you've got homework for all of these classes too and tests and everything.

and each studio being a different class is a huge issue and really frustrating as well. the classes are drawing, design and, like, basically a 3D class, right? where you use power tools and carve stuff and all that. But imagine you go to this school for painting or to make clothes, then the three foundational classes might just really bore and frustrate you. because you don't really feel like they're helping you gain any skills in your preferred major.

so you have all these artistic kids who want to do their best, being forced to do things they hate and being told it's to make us "more well rounded." (which dont get me wrong i understand, but that doesnt make it suck any less)

so all the art you make is painful to create, and you don't even like the result. but we knew what we signed up for, and the point is to last past first year so you can get into your major. thats the point for me, at least. so you just get what you can done, but i cant imagine what I would've done if i'd fallen behind even once.

And then my own personal hell- being in a new place and not knowing what to do or who to talk to or how to communicate ! So i was constantly stressed out in like a social way. idk if i vented about this here but i fell over in a fit of anxiety and hyperventilation in class multiple times first year. I straight up fell over at least twice and i had crying fits multiple times (with varying degrees of how quiet I was being, sometimes they don't even notice :D)

I was incredibly emotionally isolated and cried myself to sleep like every night. my only social interactions were at work because I'm very bad at socializing properly and making friends in class, and i was always too tired to go to any events. LUCKY for me I met a really cool friend while doing some student work and it was really nice and chill.

ANYWAY BACK TO THE STRESS. to give an example of the situation: our first homework for drawing class was to make this big ink master copy of a van gogh sketch, and it didn't have to be perfect, or even GOOD tbh, but regardless it took forever. and i spilled my ink on it which nearly led to a breakdown but instead i just laughed cause otherwise I'd go insane. the amount of podcasts and audiobooks i burned through that year just to keep myself sane was mind-numbing. i listened to, no joke, ALL of Well There's Your Problem, and i went back and listened to a lot of them more than once.

i was really lucky though, cause some other students had first projects that were like "bring in 50 drawings by next class" or "make a chair out of only cardboard that you can sit on without it collapsing" or something. and i never had a teacher that bad.

actually, my second semester design professor was really REALLY chill. He let me sleep in class if i finished the work so I spent a few hours in his class just chilling and sleeping fitfully (as in I was so stressed i would gasp and mutter myself awake, which really alarmed my classmates but i never got close enough to them to explain myself soooo they prolly just think something is wrong with me. which it is! oh well)

i can only speak for myself but i was basically working any moment i wasn't sleeping, eating, shitting, or showering. somehow other people made time to befriend each other and hang out and like, go to parties??? i dont know how. Frankly I don't even remember how i did what i did either, specifically I reached out to my college's mental health services and got on some medication for anxiety. I also somehow managed to write an essay for our student published thingy about how I wanted to kms and felt unsupported by mental health professionals lmao.

I have NO IDEA how i did any of that because this year i kept falling asleep for five hours in the middle of the day. my theory is that I got more done because I physically HAD TO STAY AWAKE. I COULD NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO FAIL.

I was so stressed out the first year that I often couldn't sleep without hugging my giant elephant stuffed animal or using it as a comforting weight on top of me. one morning i woke up hyperventilating and went to go cut a huge role of paper at like 6 AM because i was so worried about forgetting to cut the paper before i left before class at 8 AM.

so yeah, my theory is that since second year wasn't that insanely stressful, all those hours i spent eking out any artistic joy possible (making owl house comics, writing that essay, and painting my clothing) just to make sure i didn't kms were replaced instead with me just falling asleep at inopportune times, because I wasn't as scared that I wouldn't have time for my work.

OH MY GOD AND FIRST YEAR I GOT PUT IN TWO CONSECUTIVE GROUP PROJECTS WITH THIS ABSOLUTE MONSTER- but that could be its entire own post. suffice it to say that he had been reported multiple times for various things and one of my classmates recognized who i was talking about just from me vaguely complaining about how much i hated him.

anyway im sure there's even more that i forgot about but to be honest i think i've explained enough.

[asphodelsrot]

im tired im tired im tired im tired

it is an ache that echoes deep in my chest and ive been felling the pulses of sound for years. it will never stop ringing, i will never be free. but i dont even want to because it would feel too empty without it and i wouldnt know what to do with myself, i dont even know what that would feel like but god im tired im so so tired and nobody can tell and i cant find the words to express it to translate those pulses into speech and get some fucking assistance over here

but no no no cant have meds because all i need apparently is just suck it up and let it go and use coping mechanisms to cope and cope and cope until fucking die because its not that bad and you just want to get doped up and hope it fixes your problems.

well excuse me if im tired of this.

excuse me if its been so long that i dont even remember what it felt like to not feel like this and i thought it was better to feel nothing because the anger sorrow despair was horrible, but this is a whole new evil. its fucking agonizing. at least even if it felt horrible i could feel and now even sorrow feels like a relief because at least its something and i feel thankful.

i feel thankful that its gotten so bad that my brain allowed me to feel and the worst part is that theres whispers in my mind tell my its not that bad because youve been worse. youve dont have it as bad. you can get up in the morning and get dressed and go outside and smile at the cashier in the grocery store. you can sit on the phone with your friends and help them. you can do your school work. you can pay attention during class. you can get apply for jobs. you can take care of yourself. you can do all of that, you are capable of it.

but every step feels draining all the time and i cant muster the energy or the motivation to see the point. whats the fucking point it. i can run it over in my head over and over, endless lists of reason as to why i should give a shit but nothing clicks.

i wondered why its suddenly been so hard over the past few years and i realized that my shitty way of maintaining my drive is gone. ive grown numb. its always been hard but i had the gut wrenching fear and anxiety to push me into action, or else, and i thought that was just how i worked and i was fine but now thats gone and im at a loss

im fucking drowning because im out of my depth. its that sudden fear when youre swimming in the ocean and the floor just drops and you cant see beneath you and thats not supposed to happen and god knows what could be lurking beneath

theres no shiny resolution, theres no tidy conclusion

its just ragged tattered remains of a kid who got dealt a shitty hand and now im left to pick up the pieces and put them back together with popsicle sticks, spit, and a wish for hope thats draining by the second

im tired im tired im tired im tired

[thoughtsbeewild]

What's on everyone mind? When will ABC the view get cancelled or terminated?

Elon musk or someone should do a poll. YOU WOULD GET GREAT RESULTS, IF THERE ONLINE PETITION PROMOTED OR MARKETED FOR AMERICANS TO SIGN ONLINE TO HAVE THAT SHOW REMOVED, YOU WOULD RECIEVED A GAZILLON SIGNATURES. JUST LIKE HOW CALIFORNIA ATTEMPTED 2 MILLION SIGNATURES TO HAVE GOVERNOR NEWSOM REMOVED OUT CALIFORNIA..BUT IM SURE GAVIN AND DEMONCRATS OVERRODE THAT AND TOSS THAT..WITH THE RESULT OF THE 2020 ELECTION WHICH IS THE TOP OF THE CHERRY, IT CONCLUDED MAYBE OUR VOTES DONT MATTER. BUT IT TRULY SHOWED THIS YEAR 2024

Anyway, Already on Facebook so many memes going around as the joke of humor, elon will acquire ABC and fire the view cast THERE WAS LIKE over 60K likes, SHIT LOAD OF comments WITH AGREEANCE. Although we wish Elon would make that that request true, sadly its not..so when will ABC The view be cancelled or have new representation(sure there better talent out there)?

ALL I HEARD FROM THIER RESPONSE OF THE ELECTION RESULTS: AS A BLACK WOMEN, A COLORED WOMEN, AS A WHITE WOMAN, AS A HARD WORKING WOMEN(WTF IS HARDWORKING AT THE VIEW, SPEAKING YOUR UNWANTED HATEFUL OPINION FOR AN HOUR IN AN EXCHANGE FOR A GOOD SALARY 100k to feed your yourself and your family , WHAT IS THE CONTRACTED RATE AGREEMENT WITH ABC CORPORATION?

Americans agree that these HATEFUL BITTER WOMEN COMMUNICATE NATIONWIDE ON TV, ONLINE STREAMING PLATFORMS, FULL OF HATE, CONTRADICTIONS, FULL OF SHIT AND HYPOCRITE(SAYING ONE THING AND DOING ANOTHER), MOST OF ALL THE DISHONESTY SPREADED IN ELECTION IN ORDER TO GAIN VOTES . GROWN ASS WOMEN/FEMALES SIT IN A LAZY TABLE WHO DEFINE THEMESELVES AS HARDWORKING(WHO YOU FOOLING)WHO CANT SEEM TO GROW THE FUCK UP OF OVER COMING SOMEONE SKIN COLOR OR GENDER.

IF YOU TRYNA PREECH ON A WOODEN TABLE FOR AN HR YOUR HARDWORKING WOMEN WHO JUST SIT ON A CHAIR GETTING A PHAT CHECK FOR ABC RATINGS, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE..

Its like everything that comes out of thier mouth, starts off as a black women, as a white women, as a woman of color, AS THE FIRST FEMALE OF COLOR. IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF SAYING SHE FIRST WOMEN..TECHINCALLY IF YOU GO BACK IN HISTORY THEY WERE ALOT FIRST WOMEN IN MANY ROLES,,USING THIS TRICKERY CARD IS STUPID...

,..BLAH BLAH BLAH TOXIC..,..

YOU KNOW THESE WOMEN WILL NEVER CHANGE AND GET BEYOND RACE OR COLOR OF SOMEONE SKIN. YOUR PROMOTING UGLYNESS IN OUR WORLD..YOU ARE THE PROBLEM IN TODAY WORLD...

YOUR DEFINITION OF HARDWORKING DOES NOT ALIGN WITH AMERICAN PEOPLE OF UNITED STATES..

EXAMPLE HARDWORKING AMERICAN:

A WALMART EMPLOYEE SHE IS OVERWEIGHT, THIS STRONG TEENAGER GIRL HAULED OUT A LOG BAG OF ICE, OVER 100 BAGS TO THROW IN FREEZER ALL BY HERSELF FOR A LOW PAYING WAGE JUST TO MAKE ENDS MEET..RESPECT/PROP S TO HER..THATS LIKE A MANS JOB, LABOR , BACKACHE, HEAVYNESS OF ICE, NO GLOVES FOR INJURIES....

VS STARBUCKS DRIVE THRU EMPLOYEE BEGGING FOR TIPS AT TIME OF PURCHASE(ITS NOT A DINE IN RESTAURANT):

HOW WILL STARBUCKS COORPORATION BENEFIT FROM NO TAX ON TIPS? FOR THIS..

THEY ARE ASKING FOR TIPS FOR A DRIVE THRU, WHY? THERES NO MANUAL WORK BEING DONE, JUST HAND ME MY COFFEE(IS THAT EXTREME HARD WORK STARBUCKS TO REQUESTS TIP OR NO TAX ON TIPS?..I COULDNT UNDERSTAND THE STRUCTURE OF HOW A WALMART EMPLOYEE AND STARBUCK EMPLOYEE WORKING AT DRIVE THRU ASKING FOR TIPS WHEN PURCHASING A PAYMENT. MAKES NO SENSE WHY STARBUCKS CORPORATION ARE GETTING TIPS IN A DRIVE THRU?..I WOULD THINK THE TIP IS NEEDED FOR EMPLOYEES WHO ACTUALLY DOING THE LABOR AND WORK. LABOR IS FUCKING HARD..LIFTING, CARRYING , BACKPAIN, NUMBNESS, BEEN THERE DONE THAT..

BACK TO THE VIEW:

Millions and trillions want to know when will these women get cancelled.

sign me up if thier is a petition

[acceptingmyowncompany]

I must relieve the pressure from my mind brain. It doesnt stop going. is everything anxiety?! if so, that fucking sucks man. what do I do about it?! its not just physical. its mental, and mentally I know no peace. I just keep thinking about the future. Thinking about everything I have to look forward to and all the ways it plays out. sometimes good sometimes bad. I think about the girl and all the ways we can be cute and couple together, but then im reminded that she's delaying talking to me. it takes me back to 2019. it makes me thing maybe im tripping. maybe im too invested. maybe she's decided she doesnt see this becoming anything and its purely platonic. thats okay. it just would suck to be this invested for nothing. I have no one to talk to about it. I used to talk to Henle about this stuff, he's gone now. passive suicide. it makes me sad all over again. the thought that again it got so bad for him that he either tried to kill himself or he was trying to numb it so much that he ended up killing himself. super upsetting. I miss my guy. and I wish I was there for him better. but I can't live with that thought. the only person effected by that line of thinking is me. so what's the point. what can I learn. dont wait. show up for others while you can and when you can. gratitude. be grateful for the moments. have an impact where you can. but man I just hope he knows how hard this life thing is without him man. I really did lean on my guy so much. maybe thats why I feel so bad. he probably needed people to lean on and sure, he didnt choose to lean, we couldve still extended better. I shouldn't say we. EYE couldve. but yes, maybe she doesnt like me. and thats cool. but I dont wanna like her if she doesnt like me. I know thats now how this shit works, but it just doesnt feel productive or good. to do so. its nice to have a crush again. its fun. it was excited, but it sucks to not be reciprocated. to wait. to feel like you're running in place. I wish we could talk more consistently. maybe somewhere other than instagram. I wish we could talk on the phone. I could hear her laugh and she could make me laugh. REAL CHEMISTRY. I think about a time where we have that. real chemistry. good chemistry. cute moments and conversations. but what if that never happens. what if she's not into me at all. then im being delusional for no fucking reason. maybe thats okay. idk humiliation. embarrassment. 2019. all those things. its much more mentally taxing than id like. I need an indication that we still good, or again a reset. a clean slate to restart. Just to stop yearning you know?! And then Texas. I'm making strides but man am I anxious about the whole thing. the idea of being out there. having to talk to all these people. people I dont know. people who are better than me. more adult than me. more successful than me. a turtle. I hide. in my uncomfortable clothes. feeling self conscious about my appearance. feeling self conscious about anything I could possibly talk about. having nothing to offer. feel like its gonna be the longest 4 days of my life. 3 days. whatever it is. sitting there, with enough money but not wanting to spend it. eating the cheapest. this is the only trip. and then thinking about trips next year. thinking about tattoos. all these cool plans and I can't even get a job. Idk what job I want. what job doesnt make my stomach turn while reading it . idk what there is for me out there but it feels like nothing. and I think and think and think and think about all this all fucking day and its only 8 something. and I just want to turn it off, but then I can't sleep and I struggle and struggle and struggle to sleep. theres no peace. NO PEACE. I CANT TURN IT OFF. I CANT FEEL OKAY. I JUST NEED TO FEEL OKAY. I NEED CLOSENESS. I NEED FUN. I NEED TO FEEL SOMETHING AND THERES NOTHING FOR ME. It's an exhausting existence.

[better-off-withoutme]

Separately from all that or kinda at least.

Im fucking lonely.

The only one I have out here is my best friend and as ive established she is completely disinterested in me.

Ive never been too good at making friends, I always misinterpret shit, miss cues, dont know what to say or how to get someone to be my friend and actually stay my friend.

Which is why when i finally made friends I held on to them. Now though Im hundreds of miles away from them and everyone has there own lives, and me? Im out of site out of mind.

My family is the same way. I haven’t spoken to my mom who for so long WAS my best friend in literally weeks. I try to call but something always comes up and she says “ill call you back”… she never does. My sister? Another one of my best friends… pffft she talks more to my actual best friend than she does to me, they literally talk to each other more than either of them talk to me combined.

It just seems like if i was to just go missing.. like pooof. No one would even notice. I think the only one that would is my fucking cat who seems to now be my new best friend since everyone else cant be bothered. Honestly i dont think my actual best friend the person i live with would notice my absence for days if it werent for my cat, shed bother her for food and be confused as to why im not there to feed her.

My cat is my baby and i love her so id never do that to her. If anything id take her with and just drop off the face of the earth, probably be a week before anyone even thought about me and where i was.

I just miss my friends and my family.

I go to work, I come home, I eat, I sleep, and i cuddle my cat. Repeat.

Its like im in an entire different dimension. I can see everyone passing by, but no one except my damn cat can see me.

Its fucking depressing. Im depressed… again almost as bad as that year.

Ive fucking gone to self harm again and fuck im so disgusted and disappointed in my self i swore id never do that shit again and yet here we are. I just wanted to break this THING that im in or at least for a second feel like i did, Im suck and I dont know how to help myself anymore. Its like i feel nothing and everything all at the same time. Im numb but filled with so many emotions its fucking overwhelming.

I dont know what to do anymore.

[beautifully-fucked92]

i just fucking cant

Im the crazy one, the selfish one, the immature one, the one who wont let go.

Apparently me wanting to move myself and my children away from my mother is all the above. I have spent 15 years medicated. Im on a medication that doesn't numb me, doesn't blur my mind. (think its not working btw) but now that everything in my mind is so painfully clear. How am i supposed to stay with a woman who watched me get hit, yelled at, degraded, weighed daily, let my father take me elsewhere to beat me and violate me. How i am i supposed to live with her? She talks to my kids like they're dogs, im continually having to remind her that my youngest doesn't always understand because she is autistic (i repeat this so often). She talks to my dogs better than my kids some days. Plus she doesn't listen or think. I mean really.... My eldest has been in school for the past 6 years and fruit has become a weekly staple. Yet every time food shopping gets done by her fruit is NEVER bought, snacks for the kids aren't bought. Things the kids have been eating aren't bought. She did shopping then i had to go and spent $50 on fruit, cubed cheese, tinned pineapple(Autistic child is in love with it atm) and fresh cauliflower.

I make suggestions on how to do things to make it more efficient or easier yet im ignored BUT if someone else says it she listens and does it. She does so much shit that is just sheer stupidity, sheer ignorance, sheer dumbcuntery.

im fucking done! Yet im the one to blame, im the cunt, im the asshole.

[justcallmesakira]

tw: a quick vent cs i am fucking tired :3, lots of disturbing topics

Honesty i dont understand why i am breathing rn :D

Like maybe it was better if i hadent been born? i wish they aborted me honestly because no one would even care if i would dissapear for a day

Yeah no one! :D why? because i make myself so free to others that they only see me as the girl who helps everyone blah blah. If anything i sometimes wonder if i even have friends! Because i have to be the one coming up to them ALWAYS! just to converse so they dont gather in groups and talk shit abt me! hehe

Infact i dont know how many days i have left till i go jumping off a building! i am on my bedroom cold floor rn crying sobbing and whatever synonyms of weeping there is while typing this bcs i dont have the energy to write in my journal because my parents demotivated me so much by making my personal hobbies into studying and all i have 0 motivation to even breathe haha

I even choked on my water because of so much crying hahahah silly me

You know when i say i am fine/? I am not actually I have been sneaking to bathrooms to silently cry an overthing and have been overworking myself, starving myself and barely having any sleep!

I am far away from fine but will i lie so no one suspects me? Yup!

But maybe its my fault

Maybe my parents deserved a better daughter

Not someonen like me who cant even get a good diploma

Its definetly my fault that i am useless maybe if i worked a bit harder all these years i would have been someone better?

I really cant anymore like what do i ned to do to finally be accepted? I am good at nothing really i barely draw nowadays because my mom takes away my art supplies which i bought with my own money for months because ofmy exams so during that time i dont really have the energy to draw

I told myself i would journal everyday but after my mom told how ugly and shit my writing is and that i should stop writing abt my health and day and write about actual study type stuff

But ig its fr my own good,,journaling used to help me alot but now my fingers feel too numb :)

She even read my writing...I am happy she didnt read the part where i talk about how i am was continuosly banging my head against my kneecap because the concrete on my wall was too painfull and that i am starving myself to become skinnier nowadays and i cant hav great amount of sleep too

Hehe i guess i kindaof perform s/a

I want to write more things boggling in my mind because i ant stop crying, tears are continuoing to spill on my screen and i am trying my best not scream because if my mom hears it she will be mad

I dont want my mom to be mad it hurts me really tho she hurts me a bit more...still

Err anyways maybe i am being drmatic? idk i dont care anymore because i have been having a bit too much of suicidal thoughts

hehe:3

[kittyobsessionn]

school starts tomorrow y'all I'm so fucking. I just can't. I've not done shit for my work over this break at all like I've done four questions and I don't even have internet or a computer/laptop that could work in my house and no access to my school account and I got my Chromebook from school but they didn't give me the damn hotspot so I literally can't make the presentation there's nothing I can do about it and I'm going to have to talk to my teacher about it and I'm dreading it so much. I literally can't bare it it's unbearable how is this my life what is wrong with I'm regretting every single decision I made up to this point. how I am in honors and cp classes and above my reading level consistently by 3 fucking grade since I was 8 is wholely beyond me. And the worst part is over 1/3rd of my friend group (it's most well liked and popular members mind you) talk shit and deadname me behind my back and I can't even do anything about it as to keep my friend who told me out of danger which means I have to face them and pretend like they didn't say all that shit about me and mock me and say I should kill myself and laugh at my relationship struggles and oh my god I just cant. I feel like I'm going to have a fucking breakdown when I go to school tomorrow I can just feel it. every day I get a little bit closer to killing myself. I can't wait to get that stupid fucking dab pen and get high every night to make the pain blurry and quiet again. last night I got high and just...all my sadness and anxiety and numbness and suffering poofed into the fucking wind. why can't I be high all the time. I want to go to school high but if they found out they'd tell my parents and they'd beat the shit out of me and cut everybody off from me so I can't even do that. I want to die sooooo fucking baaaadd. I hate my life so much why didn't I just do this work earlier. I could have totally done it earlier this year it wasn't impossible I don't know why I didn't do it. no wait I do. executive fucking disfunction and the fact I was so hyperfixated to keep myself from having a fp again that I didn't eat or drink or leave my room enough, much less do some stupid projects I'm only made to do because I'm supposedly smarter than others. when are they going to realize I am wasted potential. I am a waste. I am nothing but a waste. I am a waste of time and potential and money and affection. maybe that's why I want to die so bad, to return balance to the universe by removing the black hole that is myself.

[ramblingsofuncertainty]

Old Entries

Ramblings

Sunday

3:15. The silence is nice. I can talk to Allah swt and I feel safe at this moment. The stillness of the night isn't stifling. I don't turn on the fan even though it's hot. I like the silence. My thoughts are quite too

7:10. I don't want to get up but I've already jumped off the bed. Need to get breakfast ready. Need to take medicine. Need to hurry hurry hurry.

9:15. Panic and dread.

11:50. Relief. Exhaustion. 

2:42. I had this really intense need to be talking about it with Saadia. Can't call her cos she's probably sleeping. And this urge might become less and then I'll make excuses to myself to not call her. But I wish we were exhausted and lying in her room ranting. Or maybe not even that. Just being quiet. She'd be watching something stupid like NCIS or suits or something and I’d be squished in her giant beanbag (territory Id claimed long ago) I remember the neck ache I got when Id been squished in it too long. Her mom would poke her head in and shake her head at us and bring us pasta. Or chicken bread! Man, I miss that chicken bread. The squishy peices of corn that would pop in your mouth and the hot buttery peppery chicken.

She knows me inside out. I don't want to burden her right now. She can't do anything about it being so far away.

I'm happy, reminiscing while writing about her, and it hasn't made me sad, in a surprising turn of events. I think my circuitry is messed up. But happy accidental serotonin is still serotonin and I'm grateful.

Monday

Didn't write the whole day. Brain feels like a fog. No emotions. I just need sleep. 

Tuesday

9.:40. Stopped to have a conversation with a squirrel. It seemed interested, but then decided it didn't have the time. Squirrel business called. And I was late for class

9:43. Needed to make a call and that was it for the day. Cue the mind haze. All the emotions all at once. And none at the same time.

Music to shut out the thoughts. Helped a bit.

P realized something was up. As much as I felt cheery and awake at the end of the day, but she knew something was off. I couldn't put a finger on it til she said it. Despite trying trying to distract myself, I still felt like there is a pulling, scratching inside. I'm craving something and I don't know what it is. Bit it's like a dull sort of scratch, like the echo of a thing

Thursday

4:57. Missed fajr. Feel like shit. Had nightmares, woke up feeling more exhausted than when I slept. I haven't been able to dream for like five or six years. But nightmares are becoming a thing now.

8.25. Tried to wake up but the day already feels exhausting and I don't want to deal with it

9:20. Fell asleep and woke up in a panic. There's so much that needs to be done. I have so much work. How can anything feel exciting when there is always anxiety and panic that's flooding my brain. 

9:55. My joy in realizing they've made eggs for breakfast today is fleeting. The eggs are burnt at the edges and dry. I still eat them, my mouth feels like what I imagine it must feel like to wake up from surgery, desperate for water. I'm being ungrateful and I dont like it. It's food. Why am I being like this?

Cant feel much today.

4:50. Decided to take a nap. Woke up in a panic again because I thought I'd slept for three hours instead of one. Body hurts and I don't want to get up. I'll procrastinate more and then the day is over and I've done nothing.

8:05. Feeling good. Found myself humming something. Surprised enough to want to write it down. I feel like I can get something done. Making tea, then getting down to work. I feel like I'm in flow. Hope this stays!

P.S. it didn't stay. Something happened and all sense of time and work and sanity was gone. (Writing this on Thursday)

Friday

I broke the streak today. I didn't want to write down anything the whole day so now I'm writing it at the end of the day. I woke up with a numbness in my body. Had nightmares again. It's getting both more difficult and easier to get up. I can't explain it.

There's this short stretch of trees lining the football field that blooms with these hanging yellow flowers that always snaps me back to the present and gives a couple of seconds of relief everyday. Today it just made me annoyed (there aren't any blooms but the walk usually is still pleasant) because I realized the absence of that relief and that is what jolted me out of my thoughts. Not the relief but the lack of it. 

Everything felt off today. It's exhausting living with myself. 

I came back and slept. I just want to sleep. Forced myself to eat. I can't work. I can't work. I can't work. I'm trying. I have class at 6am. I don't want to be. There's too much noise. Writing all these things down is making everything more concrete. It's the fig tree again. From Sylvia Plaths Bell Jar. But the roots shriveled up and wilted and the trunk is hollow too. No possibilities lying blackened at my feet. They are a distant memory, haunting  the air with a rotten smell. 

(P.S. (writing this on Saturday: I feel disconnected reading what I wrote last night. I don't want to linger on it. That person was there. So was one who was not in that state. I feel like a conduit, in this moment, reading the previous entries, they feel like versions of me that exist and existed, a product of the things happening to me at the time)

Saturday

Today I felt disconnected, outside of my body. Woke up tired again but almost mechanically, went through the motions of getting up and getting through the day. 

I'm relieved though. Beats yesterday in any case.

Saturday/Sunday:

(A summary): I did not open this up to write anything for the past two days because I was in a good place after a very long time. I passively tried to understand what triggered it but couldn't. Coming back to why I didn't write. Writing things down forces me to confront what's going on in my head and usually that untangles whatevers up there and when the thoughts become clear, they are usually not very pleasant. And so I wanted to live in denial for a little bit longer. 

Sunday

9.09: Panic again. but dull. I have to work. There might be eggs. 

11.06: Mediocrity scares me. I don't want to be a blob of nothingness. I have worlds inside of me, I have been so many me-s, they were all people with thoughts and emotions and intelligence. I feel like I have lost grip of so many of those versions of myself, and of the potential that they all had. Now everything I do feels like I am dragging myself through a thick sludge of effort, pushing pushing pushing. My head feels dull and more empty than it used to be. 

The air feels thick. Dead, no crispness in it, just a lingering heat and smell of dead grass

Monday

4:40. Unraveling. The air is nice today, feels fresh and crisp. I can smell the freshly mowed grass of the football ground as a linger on my way back

5.:15. A summary of today: Flow state. I found myself quite unexpectedly in a state of flow, like everything was aligned and I was getting things done. Things seemed to be rolling off of me, I just kept working like nothing mattered and I actually felt happy with the work I made, and when I made something not so good, it didn't stop me. It felt like I side stepped a ditch that would have pulled me in, and I was just able to brush it off so easily and move on. I felt like a person. I felt complete. Like otherwise there's always echoes of me slightly lagging or moving ahead and I'm just trying to keep track of the pieces to move together and making the effort of carrying all the scrambling, falling, scattered pieces keeps me occupied

6:20. A word out of place. And it started this echo that kept reverberating and bouncing back and forth off the walls of my mind. And it shook everything out of place. Like a tiny tremor that upsets the precarious balance that had been a happy accident. 

The crows and their noise just before maghrib remind me of Karachi and the breezy evening air, that smells like dust and sticks to your face on the sheen of oil covering your sticky skin at the end of a long day. The smell of gasoline and petrol heavy and clinging to your clothes, coming home with you

Tuesday

My thoughts are not my own. Not writing today. 

Wednesday

I like this moment. Its the end of the day and I linger going back. My walk is deliberately slow and I focus and at the same time watch without seeing, the details of the accumulated dust on the sidewalk. The cars passing by seem slow and fast at the same time, their noise amplified for some reason. The sound is grating but I cant hear it even though everything feels heightened.

[liberty-spiked]

Fuck of a mother, i need a new job.

[one-way-dream]

oughg sorry

[morwap]

𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐌𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐓𝐇. 𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐌𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐇, 𝐁𝐎𝐘

➸ vampire!eddie munson x fem!reader

➸ STRANGER THINGS S4 V1&2 SPOILERS

➸ smut, angst | A/N: i don’t know much about dnd or kas, but this is based off kas theory BUT do not come at me for not getting the kas shit right or whatever bc this is my own version and y’all are gonna get what you get and DONT throw a fit😋🫶 also vecna earthquake has happened but the upside down is slowly leaking into hawkins its not rapid like the end of season 4 anyways hot horny vamp!eddie

➸ nav • e.m m.list

dom!eddie, sub!reader, p in v, “character death”, depression, blood/blood sucking, biting (eddie cant turn you bc i said so), oral f! & m!receiving , praise, pain kink,, “cunt”, pet names, choking, creampie

♡ ───────✧ 𓆩♡𓆪 ✧─────── ♡

four months, four fucking months of sleeping with eddies extra hellfire shirt and wearing his pick necklace constantly.

hawkins school had simply passed everyone, you graduated officially without eddie and without a celebration since everyone was helping gather things and rebuild things from the earthquake. just the piece of paper that meant fucking nothing to you while you knew this was what eddie was working so hard for, all this year, wanting to graduate with you, by your side.

you couldnt even look in wayne’s direction at first, knowing he loved eddie just as much then you figured it was better to comfort him and honestly you were surprised when you went to talk to him and all he did was hug you, squeezing the breath out of you and sobbing into your shoulder. you heard him mumbled that he had some things he wanted you to have.

at this point your tears had ran out, feeling like you couldn’t cry anymore and it was just numb. not bothering to get out of bed or even answer the phone when steve, nancy or dustin tried to call, the only thing you could do was close your eyes and replay that terrible day.

the way eddie kissed your forehead before ushering you up the makeshift rope before cutting it, the way you and dustin both screamed for him to not do this. tears streaming down your face as you watched him run out the trailer. your shoulder still gets some pain from you landed on the ground without the crash pad, chasing after him with dustin close behind. both of you screaming eddies name then seeing the swarm of demobats.

chest burning and shoulder in pain as you ran as fast as you could to him, seeing the demobats fall to the ground and not even knowing what happened for them to do that unless they had gotten to vecna but that couldnt even cross your mind at that point. literally no one crossed your mind other than eddie.

getting onto the ground immediately, scuffing up your knees as you did so. dustin was at your side almost immediately. crying and trying to get eddie’s head in your lap without hurting him.

the rest was a blur, you remembered him talking and you responding while it felt like your hearing had gone muffled.

you remembered having to leave him there, dustin tell you that you both needed to go and that they did it but something else happened, something bad. dustin basically had to drag you to the trailer to leave and regroup with steve, nancy and robin.

steve tried to comfort you but nancy had stopped him, shaking her head ‘no’ and telling him to try later.

you forced yourself to help gather things for the things they were doing for people that need help from the earthquake. knowing if eddie was here he would want to help and would want you to help.

when steve saw you dropping things off he asked you to follow him to his car, needing to give you something.

almost breaking down in tears as he got out eddies vest from his trunk, giving it to you and hugging you.

since then you’ve barely left the house, either sleeping all day and night or staying up all hours and fighting sleep since sometimes you’d dream of him. sitting in the shower for hours until your mom was knocking at the door and asking “are you okay in there?” and still denying phone calls. you havent even seen max at the hospital yet, which made you upset and curse yourself for being a bad friends but it was dreadful to even think about leaving your house.

-

you moved around in your bed, flipping from one side to the other. you had been trying to sleep for hours now, finding yourself not tired at all once your head hit your pillow. it was well past 12 am and your mother had gone to your aunts house to help her do somethings which left you alone in the house.

something felt off, knowing no one was in the house but you still felt like you were being watched. you clicked on your lamp before sitting up in your bed, pulling the blanket off you and putting your feet on the cold hard wood.

shivering as you looked around your room, expecting something to be there but, it was empty. getting up and heading out if your room, going all the way down to your kitchen slowly.

you took a look around, the feeling of being watched never left you—if anything it felt like it was getting more intense. you grabbed a yogurt out of the fridge and a spoon and sat at your dinning table.

eating the yogurt quickly, wanting to be back up in your room as fast as you could and be surrounded by the comfort of your blanket and probably now cold sheets. you tossed the empty yogurt cup into the trash by the back door, taking a peek through the thin curtain that dangled in front of the small square window.

almost expecting something to be looking back at you or at least just something be there but, there was nothing, just pitch black and a lonely street light that flickered like crazy and barely casted any light. sniffling as you moved the curtain back to how it was before and tossing the spoon into the sink, cringing the loud clinking it made against the side of the sink and a glass cup.

you went back to the door and made sure the door was locked, thankfully it was and then going to the front door and checking it as well.

a little squeak came from upstairs, furrowing your brows, you had never thought of the windows or maybe it was just the house settling and if anything it would be dustin or steve and robin just checking up on you or something…right?

calming yourself down and starting to walk up the stairs, you didn’t hear any talking if it was steve and robin so you ruled out the noise being your friends because even dustin would talk to himself if it was him.

your nerves settled when you saw no one in your room, and you came to the conclusion that it was most likely the house settling. getting back into bed and pulling your blanket over you, it was colder than you remember.

you turned and took in a shaky breath, your window was open, fully open and the curtains you had were blowing in the wind. shooting up in your bed and scrambling to your window to shut it.

slamming it down and moving the lock, hearing another noise as you laid back down and pulled your blanket over your head. squeezing your eyes shut as you heard another noise, now it dawned on you that if something did come in you had shut and locked and exit point.

feeling the mattress dip next to you, hoping whatever it was would just go away. a hand pressed against your thigh.

“i didn’t mean to scare you princess”

your breathing stopped, it sounded like eddie. exactly like eddie.

the blanket was slowly being taken off you, you forced yourself to open your eyes and look at whatever was speaking to you.

it was eddie but something was off.

your lamp gave a decent amount of light, enough that you could see him. your eyes looking into his, his brown eyes now had a red tint to them and his skin was more pale.

“eddie?” you asked in a choked whisper.

eddie’s red stained lips curved into a smile, you looked at his teeth and furrowed your brows. were those fangs?

“the one and only” eddie quipped, he watched as your eyes became glossy.

you wrapped your arms around him quickly making him gasp a bit from the sudden movements. your face in his neck and hands fisting his leather jacket.

“m’sorry! m’so sorry, i didn’t wanna leave you there” you cried, gripping onto him tighter as his hand came to rub your back and he hushed you in soft voice.

eddie took in your scent, god you smelled good. it was overwhelming and made him go fuzzy.

“don’t worry about it sweetheart, all that matters is that i’m right here” eddie whispered, pulling you from him and taking his thumbs and wiping the tears from your cheeks and under eyes.

eddie brought his lips to yours, a soft kiss at first but quickly turning rough, your arms wrapped around his neck as his tongue slipped into your mouth. his body pushing your back down to your mattress and moving between your thighs.

“i missed you so much baby” eddie mumbled into the kiss, you whined against him as if saying you missed him too.

you gripped at his leather jacket, trying to push it off him and eddie helped take it off. tossing it onto your bedroom floor, you noticed his shirt wasn’t his hellfire shirt instead it was just a black tshirt.

your hands went to his hair, you could feel him grow hard against you. eddie lifted up, yanking off his tshirt and tossing it beside his jacket, your eyes locked on the faded scars on his sides. eddie leaned back down and kissing you softly before moving down to your chest.

kissing your skin and moving down lower and lower, lifting your shirt so he could kiss down your stomach. you left a bit embarrassed that you were horny just when your boyfriend comes and you should be doing something wholesome and probably crying more but eddie seemed like he wanted this just as much as you did.

you grabbed the hem of your shirt and pulled it up and over your head, eddie was already at the elastic of your shorts.

“eddie i want you-” you whined, sitting up on your elbows and looking down at him.

“and you’ll get me, i’m gonna taste you first. its been too long” eddie said sternly, cutting off your whining. he looked up at you and you couldn’t help but wonder about the red eyes.

the red eyes, pale and fucking fangs…god you would sound fucking crazy if you said it out loud, actually maybe you wouldn’t just four months ago you were in a different dimension fighting a demobats and vecna and hearing all the stories about some girl eleven and robin, steve, dustin and erica’s starcourt shit so maybe a vampire wasn’t something too out of the ordinary.

your shorts were being slipped off of you, along with your panties. his lips on your inner thigh, leaving sloppy kisses along your thigh.

“this might hurt a little bit” eddie muttered against your thigh. you bit your lip and took a deep breath, this wasn’t the first time you two had done things with pain involved but you were a little nervous.

you felt his teeth against your skin, feeling fangs start to puncture your skin. your hands fisted your sheets and your eyes squeezed shut. a soft moan slipped from your lips.

eddie let go of your thigh, licking the blood that leaked form the puncture wounds and humming in delight.

“tastes so fuckin’ good” eddie groaned, moving to your other thigh and biting again. you let out a whimper and your hand moved to his hair.

it felt good in a odd way. you hummed as he licked up the mess he was making and a gasp came as his tongue went from your thigh to your cunt.

eddie licked a stripe up your cunt before pushing tongue through your folds, one of his hand moving up to your boob.

his tongue lapping at your clit, you fought the urge to close your legs around his head.

“just like that eds” you mewled, back arching as he sucked and licked your clit. eddies fingers played with your nipple.

it was embarrassing how close you were already, but not having him or even masturbating was too blame.

“m’gonna cum, m’gonna fucking cum eddie” you moaned loudly, your legs closing around his head. your cunt clenching around nothing and you rocked your hips on his face. hearing him hum as he continued what he was doing.

your mouth stayed agape as you came, gripping his hair and trying to get him closer. moans fell from you as your rode out your high.

“off, off, its your turn” you panted, looking down at him as a he wiped his mouth the back of his hand. you pushed yourself up as he got up and off your bed.

eddie started unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants and getting them off as fast as he can, your lips went to his neck, sucking on his skin hoping to leave as many marks as you could.

you kissed down his body till you got to his cock, taking his shaft in your hand as you licking up to his tip.

“oh fuck, it has been too long, no wonder you came so fast” eddie teased, you smacked his thigh with your free hand causing eddie to laugh.

wrapping your lips around his tip and moving your tongue on him, hollowing your cheeks and sucking on his tip before taking him all the way in your mouth.

hearing eddie groan, his head going back as his hand went to the back of your head.

moving your mouth up and down on his cock, taking him to the back of your throat and fighting the urge to gag.

fuck you missed his cock in your mouth, your cunt was getting wetter and wetter by the second and you were waiting for him to start fucking your throat.

it was almost like he started reading your mind because, his hand held your head still and he started to thrust into your mouth. the tip of his cock hitting the back of your throat over and over.

you looked up at him and he moaned loudly, cussing under his breath. you breathed through your nose and let him fuck your mouth.

“doin’ so fucking good f’me baby, so proud of you” eddie praised, spit dripped down your chin as you hummed around his cock.

“just breath baby, almost there then im gonna fill your fucking cunt” eddie said in a breathy moan, feeling eddies cock throb in your mouth. you moved your hand to his balls, massaging them and letting your eyes close.

after a few minutes eddie stilled, his cock down your throat as you breathed and waited for his cum to shoot down.

cumming into your mouth as his thighs tensed, you swallowed around him and opened your eyes to look up at him.

eddie’s hair was messy, bangs sticking to his forehead. he pulled his cock out of your mouth, his thumb wiping spit from your chin.

“perfect fucking cock sucker” eddie whispered, grabbing your jaw and bringing his mouth to yours.

your thighs we’re sore and you whimpered into the kiss, eddie guided you to lay down and he hovered over you. you wrapped your legs around his waist and winced at the contact on the wounds.

eddie’s hard on pressed against your stomach, “please eddie” you begged in the kiss.

eddie broke the kiss and leaned back, “only because you asked so nicely” he teased. eddie slid himself between your folds, making sure to graze your clit over and over before bringing his tip to your entrance.

you moaned as he pushed into you, stretching you out just like you remembered. eddie was moaning too, relishing in how you clenched around him.

“fuck, you’re so tight” eddie mewled, finally all the way inside you and watching you squirm underneath him.

eddie’s head rested in the crook of your neck as he started to thrust in and out of you, making sure to brush against your clit with his pubic bone. your nails dug into his back, clawing it up without any thought.

you felt eddie’s fangs brush against your neck, feeling his tongue lick where he was about to bite as you prepared yourself for the pain that was about to come.

a squeak came from you, your nails digging deeper into his skin and cunt squeezing him cock as he bit into your neck, hearing him moan as his fangs were in your neck. eddie’s pace never slowed, it was actually gradually getting faster.

“you feel so good” you whimpered, eddie let go of your neck, licking up the blood that poured out.

eddie’s hand grabbed your throat, squeezing a bit as you moaned loudly. eddie was panting loudly.

“i love you” you choked out, one hand leaving his back to grip his wrist. your cunt clenched around him, spasming as you got closer and closer to your climax.

“i love you so much” eddie groaned, feeling that you were close.

“cum- i know you’re close, fucking cum for me” eddie ordered, his hips hitting harshly against you. your eyes squeezed shut as you focused on cumming.

your legs tightened around his waist and your mouth made an o shape, your brows furrowing together as you came around his cock, ragged breaths and moans coming from you as he continued to pound your cunt.

eddie’s hand still around your throat tightening as your orgasm triggered his, your cunt squeezing him so tight it made it hard to keep thrusting.

his cum painting your walls, after a few thrusts, his hand easing around your neck as you took in deep breaths.

both of you panting and resting against each other. you rubbed his back trying to ease the scratches, if he could even feel them.

eddie pulled out of you and got up, he grabbed his shirt and came back to clean you up. you smiled at him.

after you both were cleaned up enough eddie threw his shirt back to the ground and crawled in bed with you.

eddie laid on his back and pulled you to him, snuggling into his side and holding him tight. you weren’t gonna let him go anywhere.

“i missed you so much” you mumbled into his side, closing your eyes and tangling your legs with his. eddie’s finger was drawing shapes on your skin, he smiled and mumbled “i know, i missed you too..”

[abluescarfonwaston]

Anyway this is @sapphire-wine fault so blame her.

Detective conan ace attorney au where Edgeworth gets reverted to the body of a child after he followed after two men dressed in black he suspected were a part of a smuggling ring. Gumshoe lost him and when Edgeworth woke up he was like 5 again.

Gumshoe finds him in a pile of his old clothes that he’s MANY sizes too small for now. But Gumshoe can’t afford to take care of him! And he Definitely cant go home. He can’t even reach the door handle! Luckily Mia, Wright and Maya are all at this theme park celebrating Wright’s first case win! 

Gumshoe: Hey can you hold onto this for me for a second?

Wright: Huh? Sure?

Gumshoe: *Hands him tiny Edgeworth but in glasses and baby*

Wright: ... *Miles sweating bullets as Phoenix studies him* YOU’RE SO CUTE!

Edgeworth, master of being where the murders are gets Wright and Mia a Lot of work. Edgeworth is trying so hard to track down this smuggling ring and get his body back. Wright laments to... Tails (open to a better/worse fake name for Miles) that the man he studied law to met has suddenly disappeared. Phoenix and Tails share Wright’s bed the first few nights before they buy a second futon. Miles looks at him so sadly. Then Wright starts snoring and he looks less fond.

Miles regularly wakes Phoenix up in the middle of the night with nightmares. Phoenix cuddles him back to bed with all the Dad he will one day master. Talks to Mia about getting Tails into therapy because clearly that kid has seen some shit and is not handling it well.

Miles has to sit through first grade. It is a nightmare of children he does not know how to interact with (just like the first time!) and mind numbing boredom. (Just like last time!) Phoenix gets Many requests from the teachers to ‘just let the kids write his own reports please.’ Phoenix has no idea what they’re talking about.

He’s in a class with uhh Kay, Sebastian, Athena and Cody. They are very impressed by the fact he knows so much about the Steel Samurai and they make him watch the Jammin’ ninja as well. They solve kiddy cases as the Detective Kids. Sometimes these turn into murders/mafia/kidnappings. It’s Fine.

Franziska flies in to see her Father again. (Read: To look for her missing brother that she’s terrified her Father killed.) She is absolutely Brutal in court and Tears Wright and Mia apart. They manage to eke out a second day by the skin of their teeth.

Edgeworth sees her leaving. All rage and pain wrapped up in fury. Scrambles to remember what it was that kid called her that had her preening for Days.

“Hey Ms. Whip Lady!” Oh he was getting hit for that.

The hit never came. “... What is it small child?”

“Would you like to play chess some time with me?”

“... If you would like,” (I am so lonely here) “I suppose I could.” (I just want my brother back) “My little brother loves that game you know?”

“I do.”

Edgeworth sneaking into Lana’s office to find some key evidence about the smuggling ring. Gant Almost finding him. Badd searching for the same group. Shields returning and putting together who Miles is after like 0.5 cases with him and proceeding to almost blow his cover every single time they meet. Edgeworth questioning the system that corrupted him. Badd being Deeply frustrated people keep letting the 5 year old Tails run around the crime scene. (Gumshoe why are you letting this happen?!)

Miles learning that Kay’s father was killed by the smuggling ring to stop the investigation. That Athena’s uncle/brother was framed for murder by them. Realizing that Sebastian’s father is the head of the organization that attempted to have him killed (you thought it was a coincidence we went after you? You sniff around a little too much and Von Karma wasn’t moving fast enough) Cody is- well he’s just a very good boy with a camera and a love of the steel samurai and justice. Miles loves him very much.

Phoenix getting so desperate to just Know if Miles is alive or not that he asks Maya to channel him. (Mia already refused) Maya accidentally pulling Gregory instead and Gregory, lost and confused, comforting Phoenix.

Ema developing a ‘cure’ for his deaged state but unfortunately it only works for a little while. “Phoenix I-” Love you too. He wants to say. But their isn’t time. There is Never enough time.

Them all tearing down the entire smuggling ring and uprooting the deep roots of corruption in their system. The sword raised above the guilty chest of the corrupted and damned ready to plunge it in for one final victory over evil and madness-

When Von Karma kicks the feet out from under him.

And suddenly their whole case is falling apart because their Lead witness is suddenly pleading guilty to his father’s murder and there are so many voices demanding his guilt and so many more asking where Tails went- No one cared about Edgeworth. Edgeworth should just Die. Let him just die boy. Don’t make us force your hand.

Miles curling up that Same Exact way Tails does after an earthquake. Phoenix who was So ready to defend him realizing that Miles has been manipulating him for Months now and leaving the courthouse in a rage. Franziska holding her brother that she’s been looking for so long as his bones Melt back down to youth. A glazed eye boy taking the stand and confessing to his father’s guilt. Mia griting her teeth and not knowing how to proceed.

Von Karma demanding a verdict because It’s rather obvious isn’t it?

Franziska yelling out Objection! Standing against her Father. Shaking and demanding a fair trial for him. Protecting her Little Brother from her Father. From Papa with shaking hands.

(I spent the last months thinking you’d taken him from me once. I’ll not stand by and let you do that to me for Real)

He delaying the trial enough that Wright comes back. Them fighting side by side. The kids yelling out things that Miles taught them. The Ballistic markings Mr. Nick!

Coming together at the last minute to save Miles Edgeworth. Uncovering the truth and exposing the corruption of the system. Miles and Phoenix talking. I wanted to save you. You did.

Edgeworth taking the detective kids out for trips to the museum after its all over. Them being surprised how little their dynamic changes despite the fact he can now drive. He is still an absolute pushover but now he can buy them candy.

Lana and Mia reconnect over this kid they got very attached to (Miles vs Tails) and swapping stories and dragging him mercilessly. Maya dragging Edgeworth in his full adult glory to their (previously established) weekly steel samurai viewing party that Does take place in a mountain of pillows and blankets.

Phoenix sitting up late that first night that Edgeworth went back home and Missing. Missing all the space that was filled by another person. By caring for another person. (Shouldn’t it be a relief? Why am I so empty?) Mindlessly calling Edgeworth who answers because he can’t sleep even though he’s exhausted. (i don’t want to dream and wake up alone.) Come over Edgeworth. Edgeworth sleeping on the futon on the floor and Wright dropping his hand over the edge for Edgeworth to hold. Edgeworth not waking up alone.

Detective Conan au.