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im-gonna-squeet · 11 months ago

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I still dont know who you are, I only know that I'm still lonely chap 2

Donnie has a bit of a late night breakdown, but all is well when they take care of their family, and theyre rewarded with twin cuddles (chap. 1) (chap. 3)

Donnie couldn't sleep.

They should be excited. But they just felt numb. It's not fair.

Just a few hours ago they were fine. They were so excited! Happy!

But now they can barely feel anything.

Whilst they struggled with identifying emotions, they still felt them, in fact they were a rather emotional person, so it was very noticable when they were gone. And they didn't know what to do.

This has happend throughout their entire life, but has become far more frequent since The Technodrome.

You would think that having an issue for your entire life would mean youre able to cope with that issue. Especially having a sibling as well-versed in psychology and emotions as Michael is. But apparently, that isn't how it works.

Having awful emotional permanence surely didnt help. It's very hard to keep a diary of your feelings when you forget about them immediately after you stop feeling them. Which makes it really hard to ask for help.

Emotions are exhausting and confusing, but Donnie thought they preferred having them to not.

The only time they didn't want to feel was after Shelldon... NOPE! No. He's back. Hes ok. Hes alive. No need to go back there ever again.

They decided to go and get a drink... and maybe check on Shelldon on the way. And their siblings. And Papa. But only because they couldn't sleep, and they were heading that way anyways.

They swung their legs over the side of their bed to get up, realising their mistake a moment too late.

"SHIT!" They exclaimed as they fell to the floor, legs unable to hold their full weight.

They covered their eyes with their palms as they let out a shaky breath.

Fuck.

Why do rhey keep forgetting about that.

They let out a quiet sob as tears started to wet their palms and the shock made their emotion flood back. Desperately trying to comfort themself, they pulled their knees to their chest, grabbing their plesiosaur plush from their bed and holding it close, burying their face into the well-loved stuffed animal.

Its not fair. Its not fucking fair. They just wsnted to be a normal-ish teenager. Sure, they can still technically do most of the things they used to be able to do. But it was diffrrent. Which meant that they were different. And they didnt like change.

They cant skateboard anymore, and they might never be able to again. They loved skateboarding.

Logically, they knew that with their enhanced healing, they would more likely recover than not, but it had been a fucking year and they'd made barely any progress.

And sure, their family were very accommodating and understanding, but they didn't get it. Not in the way Donnie needed them to.

It made them angry, and they hated themself for it. Because its not their fault.

They would never want anyone to see what they saw, to feel what they felt. But it just sucked sometimes. It was so isolating and lonely. They just wanted someone to understand. To really, truly know them. To listen to them and go 'yeah, i get it'.

But they never would.

Because if The Technodrome was to be beleived, and they see no reason why she would lie, nobody else had seen what she showed them. Or if they did, they didnt survive to tell their story.

But they all went through horrific trauma that night. Raph was literally mind controlled and Leo was trapped in the prison dimension with Prime for fuck's sake! There was no way they were talking about this and risking bringing back those memories, they wouldn't do that to them. No matter how painful and isolating it was.

They stayed there for a little longer, breathing deep, shaky breaths and listening to their own heartbeat.

Now they really needed a drink.

Thankfully, they had created a new, more comfortable battle shell for prolonged use. Though it wasnt really a battle shell more like a get-around-the-lair shell. They kept it next to their bed so they could put it on when they woke up.

After taking a second to put their glasses on, they put their battle shell on, securing it.

They released the spider arms and made their way to the door (after tucking in the plesiosaur plush, of course).

The kitchen light was on when they got there, which wasn't surprising as the others tended to forget to turn them off after getting snacks.

Donnies hands shook slightly as they took out a glass from the cupboard, then the cordial from thr cupboard below it. The shaking persisted as they made their drink and put the cordial away. Thry took a sip. Then another. Then downed the whole thing. They hadn't realised just how thirsty they were.

They left the glass in the sink, far too exhausted to wash it right now.

Since Papa's room was closest, they decided to check on hin first, then Raph, then Mikey, and then check on Leo & Shelly at the other end.

Their dad always left his door open at night so that he could hear his children and they could hear him. Donnie stuck their head through the door and listened out for a moment, some of the tightness in their chest dissipating as they heard him snore. They didn't feel the need to check any further and turned to their next destination.

As they approaced Raph's room, they could already hear her snoring, but decided to go in and check on her anyway. Walking further in, they saw that Raph had dropped a couple of her stuffed animals in her sleep, and took moment to put them back properly.

Pulling the blanket over her a little more, they gently stroked the side of her head with their thumb, snoothing out the creases in her brow. Once Raph had settled down and started to smile slightly, Donnie got up and made their way out of the room and towards Mikeys, feeling lighter than before.

Mikey was a very quiet sleeper, so Donnie couldn't hear anything outside of his room.

Making their way in, Donnie made sure to tidy Mikeys desk whilst still leaving everything out and in view so he didnt forget about anything.

Mikey was sound asleep in his bed, completely sprawled out with the blanket tied up in ways Donnie wasnt sure they could do if they tried. Nevertheless, they managed to free Mikey from the blanket without waking him – thank you extra arms – and lay it over him instead so he didn't get cold.

They stayed for a moment longer, just watching him breathe, until they felt secure enough to leave him alone. It was truly incredible how much calmer they felt now compared to when they first got up.

Donnie, Leo, and Shelldon all had rooms on the opposite side of the layer, with theirs on the end closest to their lab, and Shelldons between them and Leo.

Leos room was on that side because of twin reasons. As much as they loved to make fun of eachother and get in dumb fights, they really were part of eachother. If either one needed any sort of comfort or help, the other – no matter how angry they may be, will always be there for them. They understood eachother like nobody else. And they will do anything to keep it that way.

Gently pushing open the door to Leos room, they made their way over to his bed. Leaving the haphazardly stacked comic books just the way he likes them. From the looks of it, Leo had fallen asleep on his phone, so Donnie made sure to put it on charge, gently removing Leos mask and fixing his blanket. But Leo was a much lighter sleeper than everyone else, and opened his eyes, blinking a few times before letting out a scratchy "Tello?"

Shit.

"Yeah, its me, Lee, sorry for waking you Ill-"

They were cut off by Leo gently grabbing the sides of their face, his face scrunching up in concern, " 'v you been crying?"

They cringed. Ah. Right. They didnt wash their eyeliner off. God they probably looked like such a mess right now. "Yeah, im- im- im okay now though. Go back to sleep."

Leo grabbed their hand and pulled gently, clearly inviting them to join him.

"Sigh. Alright, fine, but I have to go check on Shelldon first, ill be right back. Promise." They gave Leo a kiss on the head and stood to leave after he nodded.

Well, they were spending the night in Leos room now, they supposed. They were grateful for it to be honest, they didnt really want to be on their own right now.

As they entered Shelldon's room and saw the droid charging, they felt the last (biggest) bit of their anxiety melt away and they were so releived they could cry.

They quickly made their way to his bedside, lowering themself to kneel next to him.

Then they did start crying. He was there. Their son. Their baby. Safe and comfortable and alive. They gently caressed his face and neck, careful not to wake him. Leaning over, Donnie gently kissed him on the top of his head. He's right there. And he's okay.

Donnie stayed there for a few minutes, just watching him. They wanted desperately to hold him. To take him in their arms and never let go. To make sure nothing can never harm him ever again. But they didnt want to wake him.

Soon enough, they felt almost all of their anxiety leaving them, so they left back to Leos room.

When they got back, Leo wasnt asleep, and was clearly trying very hard to stay that way.

Donnie sat down on the edge of his bed where Leo cleared the blankets for them. They took their battle shell off very carefully so they didnt hit Leo and placed it next to the bed. Then they took their glasses off and put them on the bedside table before moving themself to lie next to Leo, resting their head on his bicep and wrapping their arms around him. "G'night. Love you." Leo managed to get out before immediately passing out. "Night Leo, I love you too." Donnie replied, feeling warm and safe and secure for the first time that night before they joined their beloved twin in sleep.

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#rottmnt #rottmnt donnie #disaster twins #rottmnt shelldon #hurt/comfort #tw: implied child death #(hes fine tho dw)#disabled donatello #nonbinary donatello #transfem raphael #rottmnt leo #missile launcher hamato

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20s-turtle-posting · 2 years ago

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The One Wherein Raphael is Actually Transfem

1.6k words | companion art >here< | second fic >here<

This is it. This is the moment.

It’s completely random, nonsensical, a moment that is perfectly mundane and yet she can’t keep it in her chest a moment longer, so it’s now or never. Forget the fear and anxiety that immediately set her heart pounding harder than any rooftop run, she has to tell them now or else she doesn’t know what else to do.

She stops in her tracks on the walk back from the pool, her brothers moving past her for several steps, still joking and laughing before they recognize that something’s up. Leo, predictably, is the first to notice and he turns quickly, blue-and-brown eyes alert.

“Raph?”

She balls up her fists for a moment, and it’s not that she hates that name, she still cherishes it because it’s been hers for so long…. But it isn’t her anymore.

“I uh-” Her throat closes up. Shit.

Mikey and Don are looking too, eyes wide and curious. Hell. What are they gonna think? About her? What will Leo think? What will Dad think?

Fuck it. She can’t keep it to herself any longer.

“So uhh, I have to tell ya’ guys somethin’....” Tugging nervously on her mask, looped loosely around her neck, she drops her gaze to the floor to avoid eye contact. Her heart is fuckin’ pounding out of her chest. “I’m not… really a… well, a guy.” She feels like she’s going to puke this sucks ass why can’t it be as easy as beating up a couple of Purple Dragon goons, this is her own family. Why is it making her so nervous?

“Actually I’m a girl and-” she stumbles and it’s out the words are out it’s done. Instant regret threatens to choke her, fear and hope churning like nausea so strong that she sinks back into the easy cover of an explosive outburst of “and-and that’s final! You can suck it up and get used to it!”

The instant she looks up, mid-shout, the anxiety starts to drain because Mikey, fucking bless him, has stars in his eyes already. As soon as her jaw snaps shut Mikey squeals and lunges.

“Holy shit!” he screeches at joyous, ear-splitting volume, throwing his arms around her neck, “free sister!”

A hand lands gently on her shell, and Leo is smiling delightedly when he says “congratulations on coming out! Welcome to the club.” Which is such a fucking Leo thing to say.

Don, for his part, stands there grinning softly and says, “Very cool, El.”

And that’s what really almost starts the waterworks because she should have known they wouldn’t turn her away and shun her. She knew it like she knew the sun rose in the east each morning, the way she knew she was a ninja, through and through, no matter what may come.

She’d brought up her new name briefly, almost in passing, almost three weeks ago when she’d thought Don was decently distracted by his latest project. Her heart had pounded then too, casually mentioning the name as if it were a stray thought occurring, nothing important, nothing of note. She had been wild with anxiety over Don’s reaction, but all he had said was “that’s nice” and kept soldering, so she thought that was as good as she’d get.

But he’d remembered, and that meant the whole fucking world to her.

“El!” Mikey breathes happily, squeezing the life out of her, “oh my GOD that’s so perfect!”

“Actually, it’s Ella, but don’t wear it out.” She shrugs Mikey off with somewhat of a herculean effort, he’s so damn clingy. “But uh, yeah, El for short.”

“No way we could wear it out,” Mikey says firmly, “We gotta break it in, El!”

Leo is still resting his hand on Ella’s shell, gentle and grounding. “So, just Ella or El?”

El shrugs. “Yeah. And uh, it’s not like I resent ‘Raphael’ but that’s jus’ not me anymore.” She looks around at them with a faint grin. “And I don’t care if you guys slip up, don’ worry.”

“We won’t,” is Leo’s instant response, and from the suddenly intense look in his eyes, El knows that Leo is already determined to have no slip-ups ever from this point on. That same perfectionism has pissed her off so many times before, but right now it just makes El feel like she’s been under the basking lamp all damn day; warm right down to her toes and soft as butter left out by the stove.

Don fidgets with his own hands for a moment, still smiling that gentle smile. “Female pronouns and terms only?”

Mikey interrupts with gasps. “Oh! I’ll stop calling you ‘dude’! If you want! But like, I totally mean it in a feminist way most of the time, if that’s cool. I mean if you’re not that’s fine and I’ll stop forever, lips zipped and all that!”

The focus is suddenly almost overwhelming, her brothers’ willingness to adapt is moreso. El scowls for lack of any other expression and shrugs again. “I mean it doesn’t bother me, I know what you mean. Just… maybe lay off it a bit. For now.”

“Nooo problemo!” Mikey beams

Again, Don fidgets with his own hands, then abruptly blurts out, “if you want, I can use mirror pronouns, if that helps?”

“Huh?”

Don doesn’t make eye contact, but he’s still outwardly calm, only picking slightly at a scab on one knuckle. “Mirror pronouns means that whatever pronouns you use can refer to me as well whenever you’re talking about me. Like if Leo asked you where I was, you would say, ‘oh Donnie? She’s in the garage.’ Like that.”

El almost chokes, about two seconds away from letting a few tears escape, but Mikey saves her by shouting, “you can do that!?”

“Gender is a construct, Mikey,” Donnie informs, darting out a hand to cover Mikey’s mouth, “and I haven’t met a construct yet that I haven’t disassembled for fun and curiosity’s sake. Anyway, this is about Ella, not me.” He… she–even just thinking it helps somehow, how is she so damn perceptive–glances at Raph with a crooked little smile. “Do you think that would help?”

El grunts. “Yeah, um, yeah that’s fine.”

“Cool.” Donnie’s smile is a thousand kilowatts.

El would give the whole damn world for her, for all of them. For Mikey and his intense, blinding joy at having a surprise sister, for Leo’s steadfastness no matter what, for Donnie’s ability to find the most unexpected tool to help. The idea that she could have ever had doubts about them is suddenly so absurd that she starts laughing. Her brothers join in, not really knowing why, just happy to see her happy.

Just then Master Splinter walks into the living area.

“I take it that you have had a good swim, my sons?”

Their humor evaporates and the bundle of nerves is back in El’s gut, twisting tight like a fist grabbing her insides.

Stepping forward, Leo starts, “Actually Master-”

El grabs his arm. “No. I got this.”

Leo immediately looks embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“No worries.” El pats him on the shell and then clears her throat pointedly at her brothers. They take the hint and scatter after bowing respectfully to Master Splinter and excusing themselves. They only get far enough away to be just out of sight and on the edge of earshot, El can sense them lingering close by.

Splinter merely raises one bushy brow as El approaches and kneels. “What is it, Raphael?”

“Sensei,” she says, surprised at how steady her voice is, “I hafta’ tell you somethin’.”

“Of course.” Splinter folds into a neat seiza, paws on his knees. “You may speak to me about whatever is on your heart, my child.”

My child. This gives her the courage to forge onward, even though she can’t seem to bring her eyes up any further than her father’s neatly groomed claws. “Sensei. I… I’m not Raphael. Not anymore. ‘S not that I don’t like my name, I just…. I’m not Raphael anymore. I’m a-a girl. I’m not your son. My name is Ella.”

The brief silence that follows is suffocating.

“I see,” says Splinter calmly, no indication in his tone whether he’s taking this well or not.

El trembles. If her father can’t accept this she doesn’t know what she’s going to do.

Suddenly one of her father’s paws lifts, reaching out to gently cup her cheek. A soft thumb pad brushes her scales, gentle pressure coaxing her to lift her head. Splinter’s black eyes are nothing but warm.

“I have seen a great many things in my lifetime. To say I am not surprised would be a lie, but it is not a lie to say that it brings me great joy to welcome you as you truly are, my daughter.”

The dam breaks, and El shuts her eyes tight against the tears suddenly dripping down her cheeks. Once again she shouldn’t be surprised by her family accepting her this way, but it’s still such a relief to be finally recognized. To be seen.

A sob shudders out of her chest and then father, as if she’s not a foot taller than him and three times as bulky, draws her close and hugs her tightly. His claws run across her carapace in a familiar rhythm, like they had so many times when she was still tiny, when she would run to him after a nightmare.

He presses a soft muzzle against the top of her head, whiskers tickling slightly, and then says, with all the pride he possesses as a father, “I am proud of you, my Ella.”

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