#i just barely made this first day
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you open my Super Important Documents and its just pictures of charles xavier
#xmen#mcu#xmen movies#xmen first class#charles xavier#professor x#snap sketches#todays schedule has been ruined by my ever occurring need to practice drawing movie charles its horrendous#i started this sheet last night but then i kept adding to it and i keep wanting to add to it but i MUST stop myself#in an ideal world i get paid to draw charles xavier and erik lehnsherr but no i live in this baka society#sleepless charles WAS inspired by me starting this at 1AM and forcing myself to sleep at 4AM#and then here i am picking i up still later .... i need professional help i fear but i aint got time for that#NEVERTHELESS I THINK IT GOT IT NOW. I THINK IM OK. i think i know how i wanna go bout drawing him now ...#chat can i confess that like. .5% of the reason i barely draw FC charles i because of his hair#for some reason some demonic entity prevents me from drawing it easily i am in STRUGGLE CITY#the only thing that gets me is that whenever i draw him i can only think of the likes of a disney prince but man thems the strokes ig#i also drew a quick dark phoenix charles but i figured id just keep this first class oriented#anything else i want to say ? uh. hm. its funny i never do any of these sheets for erik#genuinely On My Life made One (1) sheet and was like 'no yeah i got it. i got it down'#literally not my fault his head is So Shaped and defined but anyways. this aint about him.#i mean it could be. i still wanna do a doodle page concentrated on drawing how his powers show#more specifically how do i wanna draw the glow cause i cant decide on it ... also i wanna draw the 'levels' ...#but thats for another time. for right now i should probably eat i havent eaten all day#bye bye !!!!!! here's to hoping i draw something thats not a doodle sheet one of these days
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more clone^2 memes because i think they're funny
#dpxdc#dp x dc#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpdc#clone^2#danny fenton is not the ghost king#so canon to clone^2 and clone damian the portal that ends up transporting damian to amity park is left pr ambiguous#so really how he got there could be one of many things whether it be through divine intervention or clockwork's doing or hell#it could've also been quite literally the 1 in 1 millionth chance that a natural portal opened up beneath him and sent him to amity#and was a happy accident#but the idea that the laz pits or another adjacent such entity heard damian wanting an older brother (he meant og damian but oops never-#specified) and then sends him to the one person who could fulfill that wish and make him happy at the same time.#was really funny to me within the context of the lilo and stitch meme. the meme can also be seen the other way around with danny as lilo#and damian as stitch. but danny being stitch was infinitely funnier and ~technically~ more accurate imo#danny technically IS a nice angel but also. he's a developing menace to society (just ask wes) and he's going to make damian one too#danny being from the midwest means he has a midwestern accent and thats not something the bats know how to handle when they finally meet hi#hey look at that! my meme making skills are steadily improving. im no longer making the same joke six different times in different formats#those first two images i made a few days ago the rest i made in the last thirty minutes in a spur of clone^2 induced inspiration#and procrastination of writing the cfau rewrite of the first post. we are 10k words deep folks and just barely got past the 1st gala reunio#dunking on the giw is a god-given right and danny WILL pass it down to damian
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Honeymoon pt.3 - Kozama'uka
"It's just as you said, my love, the sights Kozama'uka are marvel to behold. Such vibrant wetlands... I can understand now how you were reminded of that of Lakeland. Let's settle here for lunch. I would love to hear this tale of Alexander that Y'shtola mentioned earlier in Earthenshire."
#ffxiv#ffxiv gpose#g'raha tia#y'shtola rhul#wolgraha#wolshtola#y'shtola x wol#g'raha/wol#Arsay Nun#WOL posting#miqo'te#graharshtola#dawntrail#Arsay sailed them down the river on a smaller catamaran herself JUST so she could show them the really pretty view she saw in the dungeon#and then they walked through to earthenshire and flew back down to the lower levels#theres a little spot in the wetlands and lake where the grass is all pink and its that spot in particular that made arsay think of lakeland#so she wanted to show the upper side first to graha#she had told him about it before obviously since she was calling him and shtola every day during the first section of the msq#I kinda wanted to do some more onthe bottom level but i don't want these to be like more than a few pictures each for my own sanity#so i settled on something silly: arsay catching a fish from the river with her bare hands#i picture that hanuhanu was have trouble fishing something up so Arsay was like Oh I can help#>proceeds to jump into the river and comes backa few minutes later with a big fish in her hands
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it is so hard being a themes and motifs + 'finding relatability within the story' game person, and trying to equate the experience you have gaming, to someone who solely plays battlepass progression system games.
#my dad and brother sit there looking at me like i'm crazy when i start talking about how a game has made me feel#this has been happening since i first played tlou with my dad at 7 years old and spent the following years obsessed with this one concept#while he to this day mainly just notes the awesome 'graphics' and nothing else#but i feel this way about every game i play#little nightmares#life is strange#uncharted#night in the woods#what remains of edith finch#the great perhaps#hollow knight#undertale#the evil within#sally face#endling#bioshock#god that's barely even scraping the surface#gothihop speaks
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Blyke in Season 3.
This is my prediction. With the way Season 2 ended, I think they’ll find Blyke months later looking something like this.
Shit happens to people in prison. Terrence was murdered in his cell, Rein was worried about being killed by other inmates, hell, Blyke’s already pretty banged up in the finale and he’s been there for 2.5 seconds. Not to mention that the Authorities seem to have no problem torturing kids *COUgh* Keon.
Perhaps it’s a bit pessimistic, but the story’s been getting a lot darker lately. I doubt Blyke’s getting out of prison without a little extra trauma at least.
Latest Chapter as of Prediction: Side Story — Triple Threat (1)
#blyke unordinary#unordinary#Prediction#Drawing in my diary again#art#unordinary spoilers#normally the spoiler warning is at the top but not this time bc it’s an image post#I changed his expression so many times#I was going for that resigned kind of dead inside look#At first it looked too angry#and then it looked just like nothing#totally nuetral face#then it looked too sad#like he was gonna cry#and then I got this#many more iterations along the way#Was worried about damaging my paper the amount of times I erased his eyebrows#Tbh I think I still fucked it up#Also I spent awhile on the background and you can barely see it#could’ve just made it gray ngl#I also spent a long time on this band of light on him#like as if someone had opened a door and light shined through#but I got rid of it#Waste of my DAMN time smh#I’m rlly proud of the hair though#Shit happens in Lovun Prison#Is all of that blood his? Who knows.#also I drew all those cuts in different stages of healing be proud of me#This was supposed to be a doodle/warmup I did NOT expect it to take all day#Ngl Im really glad I turned my sketchbook sideways for this one bc the lined paper reminds me of prison bars like this
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Some derps for the past three Malevolent episodes ~ 🕷️👩🏻🎄
#Malevolent#Malevolent Podcast#Sorry the first two are like sosososo late I just like… forgot to make them#But those episodes were like sososososo much so can’t blame me#But today was BENEVOLENT DAY#WHICH WAS THE MAIN ATTRACTION#GOD ALL OF IT WAS SO SO SO SO SO FUNNY#THE SITCOM AESTHETIC THE APRON THE MAILMAN THE TELEGRAM ALL HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND THE SAD TRUMPETS#AND THEN THEM TRYING TO GET THEIR SPIRITS UP AND PLAYING BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE#“IF WE HOLD HANDS THE FANS WOULD DIE” IS JUST HILARIOUS I TELL YOU#BC WE WOULD#AAAAANYWAY AND THE -ARTHUR’S FAMOUS IDEAS!!!1!!1!1- that go horribly sometimes but uhhhhhhLET’S NOT MENTION THAT#😂 OSCAR BLESS UR HEART AND AT LEAST YOU HAVE AN ARM IN THIS EP#EDDIE HI I BARELY REMEMBER YOU BUT HI#KRISTIAN NOEL PEDERSON HELLO SIR I LOVED YOUR MUSIC AND IT’S SO WEIRD TO SEE SOMEONE ELSE IN MALEVOLENT BUT YEAHHHHHHHHH#AND KAYNE! BEING MISCHIEVOUS AND STRANGE AGAIN! THREE HOURS IS NOT ENOUGH SIR JSYK#THEM AFTER LIKE ACTUALLY READING THEIR LINES THE DELIVERY I CAN’T—#AND DINNER! I KINDA WISH LIKE LARSON OR BUTCHER SHOWED UP BUT OH WELL VERY GOOD HOLIDAY SPECIAL MADE ME LAUGH A LOT YAYYYY MERRY CRIMES
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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some men are textbook villains fr
#tw religion?#kinda need to rant.. kinda wanna explain what's going on#some ppl are part of humanity but don't know how to be humane... like the guy i started talking to almost 2 weeks ago#liked him a lot bc he was funny sickeningly sweet mature and understanding.. until he was not#tl dr version is that we somehow drifted to the topic religion and i told him im not too religious and don't believe in superstition much#i was extremely respectful and even when he said that he does believe a lot i was like 'thats cool!! different people believe in different#things!!' and at first it was a normal convo until man went all psycho on me (after one damn week!!!) and started talking about how#id have to be religious in a relationship with him.. my dude i barely know your fav food can we not talk about relationships yet#but he says he doesn't even need a woman who cooks/cleans just someone who believes.. n im like i get it but i can't change myself like that#and then guy moves to marriage and is all 'well my entire family is religious' n my mom and sister (who's 16) would be putting pressure on#you n force you to pray etc.. and I'm like???? who can force anyone to a thing like that are u kidding#things escalate and my absolute STUPID ass tells him about my deepest fkn trauma to explain what made me abandon religion bc#life just never got better and this trauma remained for yrs... and he gets so angry that he says he wants to stop talking to me just to spam#me all day next day.. he'd keep messaging me switching between 'i still want you we shouldn't throw this away i have feelings for you'#AFTER A WEEEEEEKKKK!!! and then goes back to 'i wasted my time with you you were so unnecessary im in a bad mood bc of you'#even said 'you'll never find a guy with a trauma and mindset like this. i will find a religious girl but no one will love you like that'#and the worst thing is that he told his friends and mom about the trauma i had just to spite me.. note that he promised to never tell anyone#(and then still asked for forgiveness and for me to rethink whether we want to end this after telling me 473626x he wanted to end it)#(nothing even ever started you bitchass)#also note that his mom knows my mom n basically most of my relatives.. so i was here trembling for days fearing they'd get to know about it#mom somehow convinced her to not tell anyone bc it's important to me and very very fucking personal..#but he harassed me all day - i wouldn't answer and he'd send 55 messages.. multiple missed calls like dude i got so fkn scared#my heart jumped whenever he texted he was so fkn aggressive and SO MEAN#'you just needed to adjust and we would've been okay' 'tell me are u gonna fkn be religious or not????' 'you ruined everything' kinda mean#i just :') it was the worst time and i don't think i've ever seen someone degrade me so much or make me feel this defective#but.. it's finally over. his mom called my mom and mine was like pls teach him some manners.. n since i couldn't and wouldn't text him back#and literally avoided whatsapp bc of him she ended it all for me and now it's hopefully done forever#anyway i saw jks gcf performance yday n him singing still with you put a genuine smile on my face.. ill stick to THAT boyfriend honestly lol#def gonna delete later#but ty for reading if u did <3
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literally what a day i am still shaking
#i didn’t realize how scary it would be to teach for the first time😭#like i feel like my social anxiety has gotten so much better over the last few years but this was like.#social anxiety on Crack#i did do really well like i think you’d barely even be able to tell i was nervous#just bc when i’m scared i kind of disassociate and go on auto-pilot so i usually seem fine#but like. i have been replaying every second of it in my brain all day nitpicking for places i messed up#and this one guy made a Comment when i walked in which did not help#genuinely overall it went so well and everyone was so nice#but still. SCARY😭#luckily (?) i will be teaching 4 days a week for the next 2 years.#so i will have plenty of time to get used to it lmao#it’s weird bc i tutor so often but turns out small groups of Children online#is very different than a full class of 18-19 year olds😭#anyway. hopefully i will get Less nervous bc i would hate to feel like this every day
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new person at work trying to peer pressure me into doing a charity 5k after i already told her no i don’t want to and it is starting to annoy me so bad!!!!!
#first of all not a runner and there are many ways i can support a charity and esp this charity without having to do that#but okay for context it’s for the ronald mcdonald house and she was like#i’m just going to start bringing in photos of the kids they help and leave them on your desk like ????? WTF?#i know she’s like joking with that but girl why would you even say that#idk sometimes you do have to learn how to take no for an answer#she’s an ads person tho so i guess that is against their training lol#she’s been here for like a week and she’s nice and all but also she is annoying and she talks SO MUCH when i am trying to work#also the other day she ordered greek food and she like made her mission to ‘educate’ the office on greek food which was so frustrating#like girl we live in a city with a massive greek/mediteranean/middle eastern population#the chances that most of us have been exposed to this kind of food before is HIGH#second of all you ordered cava like it’s barely even anything foreign at all#it’s just like tiny things like that drive me nuts#anyways weigh in team should i explode her with my mind or learn forgiveness and peace and grace
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I've been playing slitherio these past few days, and after some time messing around with nicknames and my own experience with the stuff, I've realized anger is something very easy to weaponize. On my second attempt of having "trans rights" as a nickname I killed a huge ~5k point worm as a teenie tiny 200 point worm simply because it was so desperate to kill me specifically. Anger makes your life harder, but it also makes people really unwise. I fucking bet this is in "the art of war", even though I haven't read it.
#Slitherio#Slither.io#If all these russian and pro war bastards can make me angry I damn bet I can try and make them mad too lol#It's such a pity pride flags aren't available in slitherio idc if the creators hate lgbt or not this is a great game mechanic#Users are easy to miss and if I'm a 6000 point long 💕🔵⚪🔵💕 worm people will go to me to fuck me up lol#Did I mention that I got to like 6200 barely attacking other worms myself? I don't think I did#I didn't count how much I attacked though so it doesn't count I should do a full defence kills run#If I play optimally I can get to a very big number I feel#You guys should try it too it's actually surprisingly fun if you're the kind of person to let go of things#Again though one good rule I learned these past few days is if someone's nickname makes you angry -> turn the other way#Being named 'trans rights' made me a target but also people attacking me were so much sloppier than when I was named 'meow'#It might be largely bc of the sheer number of attempts but hey. I've been there & I lost a few times specifically bc I was mad at some ppl#//interesting#Is the art of war a hard read though? Has anyone read it? I've heard it's fun#Oh yeah the mandatory vacation is messing with me a lot how'd you guess that?#Just don't think what this constant and never ending aggression towards a slogan in support of someone's existence in an online game says#about what it's like living in the world for these people#I've been mad at this at first but I'm starting to dig the shitty/absent censorship of both bigoted and also gay things. No hear me out...
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Bad time of it, all things considered (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#Blood#Just a bit but y'know - Enough#It honestly made me So sad that it took until his canonmates saw it happen that someone /finally/ acknowledged his spontaneous cuts D:#Like I get it it's dark and it's hard to see but his skin just opened up and he made a noise about it! The possible danger!!#And then by that point he's just so used to everyone ignoring it that their concern for him is barely even a factor weh ZEX ;;#Plus it's just a cool effect haha - sudden blood from nothing! Very rich mental movement#At least Max had someone concerned for him about it <3 Not that he could do anything about it but even just the validation of seeing it!#He has enough cuts on him :( Poor tenderized flesh#He gets all crabby from being sore from healing constantly haha :'D Of course he would!#One thing I found very interesting was the scar sidedness :0 Most of the examples in the gallery have his scar and missing eye opposite#But that's not necessarily the case! I actually scoured mid-read and there /are/ a couple instances of matching side!#They're very tiny so I overlooked them upon first viewing hehe ♪ But they're there! It's very interesting to me!#I like the aesthetics of the opposite - probably because I'm more used to it lol - but I can see the appeal and reasoning for the other way#I do honestly enjoy how much is open to interpretation and allowance uwu♪ And what's consistent! Like how it's always his right eye :D#That tracks hehe ♫#Haha his meeting with his delightfully inept counselor - I'm pretty sure I was actually more angry about his supposed injury than he was#He chilled out pretty quickly while I was just - A Scratched Cornea??? The disrespect!!#So happy with his eyebrow expression on that one as well ah <3#It really does make me curious for how the staff is kept there - they don't /seem/ malicious during the day! But they're also unaware#It's interesting where the lines of reality are between everyone :D Very interesting ♪#Capping off with another song my playlist is looking quite healthy now hehe#Flagpole Sitta is one of those songs that only comes up for me every half dozen years or so but when it Does - phewph#It is /such/ a ZEX song to me now hehe <3 The flirtiness and exasperation - the defeatism even! So many killer lines#I think my favourite is ''I'm not sick but I'm not well'' ask me to read into that I will I'm gonna I'll do it even if you don't ask me lol#So fun to draw those lapses in control the poor dear ♥#The digital reconstruction there was a lot of fun as well actually :D I think I nailed it :3 Pulled around from all over the page! Pleased ♪
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Your essay on Joong's underrated acting skills deepened my Joong appreciation so much, that I watched Mafia the Series, I'm watching Ploy's Yearbook (even though there is a serious lack of Joong so far), and I'm planning on watching The Warp Effect too. I haven't watched het shows in over ten years, so this is a big deal! 😂 I really liked him with Dunk in their shows, but MTS gave me another facet of him, because he's so timid in it, unlike in SIMM and HA, where he's (seemingly) very cool and in control. So thank you for making me a full time Joong (and Dunk) girl 💜
i saw this message first thing in the morning when i woke up yesterday and it instantly put me in a good mood!!! <3
YESSSSSS I'M SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT
mafia the series might actually be my absolute fave thai het-show, it's just SO funny!!!! and the entire cast is so great, like, not just joong but the entire cast plays off each other SO well. and don't even get me started on gina virahya and her portrayal of anna kondra!!!!
you know, when i went into mafia the series i saw the poster and was like "ughh i really am gonna have to sit through this standard (overly) dramatic mafia show just for joong, huh. the things i do for my boy..." and then. AND THEN. you can imagine my surprise. i was crying tears of laughter throughout the show and i was actually laughing so hard that my mom made a comment about how she could hear my laugh in my room
beam is my loser boy and joong portrays him in such an adorably awkward way, i love it <333
and yes there IS a serious lack of joong in ploy's yearbook so far :((((
it was quite funny tho bc in the one scene where joong does show up i immediately recognized him by the back of his head, like!! i saw this:
and instantly went "OH there's my boy!!!!!" 😂😂😂
and i can't wait to see him with film bc film did extremely well with gun in not me and i feel like film and joong will also work together really well
you know, i'm always happy to turn people into full time joong (and dunk) girls!!!!!!
i've adored them ever since simm which i watched live from ep2 onwards. fun fact, actually: when i started simm i actually had no idea who they were (even though technically i'd seen dunk in bad buddy already, except i wasn't paying attention to the random high school bandmates and so i didn't actually recognize dunk and only realized later on ahahah)
aaaanyway, i had no idea who they were, right? and so in 2022 my mom and i spent two nights in prague during easter and in the evening we were in our hotel room and we were kinda looking for something to watch. and i was like "hey look, gmmtv has a new bl out and it looks kinda cute and fluffy judging by the thumbnails?? and like something that doesn't require too much brain power?? plus, there's also only two eps out so far, so we'll be caught up right away" and so we watched the first two episodes and then the two of us ended up watching every new ep together every week hahaha
i actually didn't really talk about it on tumblr back then and when you go back on my blog you'll see that there are hardly any simm post. but really, with every new simm episode that aired i liked joongdunk more and more. and especially once the characters started dating i was actually so in awe about just how comfortable joong and dunk were with each other and how they absolutely weren't afraid to touch? like, their physical affection was just so casual, like it was the most natural thing in the world to them in an "i'm-not-even-thinking-about-it-bc-it's-so-normal" kind of way and that was just soooo refreshing to watch?? i was (and still am) truly amazed
and when just a couple of months later, at the end of 2022 gmmtv announced joongdunk were gonna get another show together i got SO excited!! and also when it was revealed that simm was included in our skyy 2!!!!
and then hidden agenda started airing and then i was tagged in that tag game and then i went to watch joong's entire filmography and then i ended up falling into a joongdunk rabbit hole and here we are...
anyway, i have multiple agendas and one of them is turning people into joong fans and dunk fans and joongdunk fans sllksdfd
and my other agenda is getting people to watch mafia the series, bc it's truly a gem of a show!!!!
(speaking of agendas: the only thing that's missing in your message is you telling me that you approve of my fight for a sexy joongdunk vampire bl, like... that would have made the message and the influence of my joong/dunk/joongdunk blogging complete 😂😂😂)
#you know when i saw your message first thing in the morning my immediate thought was#''ok nothing that happens today can top this like. my day is ALREADY made and i only just woke up''#your message set the bar very very high for me tbh#but then in the afternoon my crush unexpectedly called me after we barely talked the past 3 or so months and we spent 1.5h on the phone#and well i'm really sorry but THAT was the actual no.1 highlight of my day yesterday dfjkkjdfkfdg#i swear your message is a close second tho!!! 😂😂#asks#anon#joong archen#adrm#no but every time someone tells me i turned them into a joong fan/dunk fan/joongdunk fan i get such a rush of satisfaction lmao#i'm desperately waiting for summer night#i might just go off about dunk's acting after that#we'll see#bc i REALLY wanna see what dunk can do without joong and if he'll be as good#my money is on ''yes'' but i also don't wanna say anything to avoid eating my own words kdfkdf#but in reality i see many qualities to him as an actor that i think he should be able to do keep even without being opposite joong#besides he's now done two series as a lead character so now he has a lot more acting experience than he did going into simm#his acting was already so much stronger in hidden agenda then it was in simm (hello?? yank-kiss-yeet?? ep9?? ep11??)#and i trust that he's not just gonna lose it all in summer night all of a sudden#god i'm immensely excited to see him act in summer night you don't even know
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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um. tfw your life is about to change massively very very soon and it still doesn't even feel real yet and still feels like somethings gonna pop up and it won't actually happen and also you're scared as fuck that you're too stupid to actually do it and it'll all be for nothing
#like what do you mean full time salaried w benefits and paid vacation just to do. school.#what made you so enthusiastically think i was the perfect one to do this#when the last approx 20something other guys were like ummmm no you cannot do it#tbf like all that other shit up there aside#this did actually come at the perfect time#i look back on who i was during my masters and i legit do not recognize that person#i barely even remember it i have to look at pictures to think back on who i was#in a strange roundabout way being forced home to stay for a while#kind of re centered me and gave me time to come back to myself in a big way. i was really lost before#and chaining something like this directly after my masters would have been disasters#even like this time last year i did not have this level of mental clarity#and i think thats why i didn't get any of the other positions i was just in a fog and i think people could tell#so as much as like im super scared and nervous about this big change and big exit from my comfort zone#and a little sad and mournful that im leaving my family and wont hear my native language all day every day anymore#im the most ready ive ever been#2019 me was NOT ready im scared of her tbh!! idk what wave i was on but it was weirdo shit!#im also proud that i essentially rawdogged and brute forced a lot of introspection and improvement#entirely on my own#like i really can only just describe it as clarity i feel like i matured 10 years in 4 and cleared all the fog#i feel so good about the way i handle things and react to things now vs then#im like 500x more unbothered and actually know how to put myself first now#anyway uh this prob could have been its own post in and of itself#but woteva innit im proud of how much internal repairs i did on myself over the last few years#became a stable genius as it were#whos a lot more clearly defined and present#but fuck man! i am still scared of being 2stupid
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kinda spoilers for the latest kuro arc if you aren't caught up
honestly, I'm now pretty scared that the next mini arc and series finale will be emotionally disapointing.
it's already obvious that the pacing has been bad for a very long time, and engagement gets lower and lower as we go on. but for some reason, it's never really clicked for me how emotionless I feel while reading recently.
it's probably because of how grim this orphanage mini arc is compared to the last two that it occurred to me: if I read or watched this arc consecutively in the form of a single chapter or episode, well dare that I would cry for these children, eventually. I would be riding the waves of trust and fear, and there wouldn't be enough time for me to process my feelings, leaving me a sopping mess. that's how I like to consume media.
but there's too much time in between, and so I don't... really feel anything. and this arc is sad, just as sad as those orphans during the Circus arc, but I just don't feel or even care for them a lot. to put it heavily.
this isn't a commentary on how I feel in the fandom now or anything, my point here is that so many people, me included, are looking forwards to the next mini arc with Ciel and Sebastian(especially the people who left the fandom until they return) because we're expecting new dark discoveries and emotional turmoil. this applies to the finale as well. blood, death, trauma, a moment of happiness, all that awful stuff will happen! but now I'm worried that the emotional impacts won't hit me at all, and then I'll be.... disapointed.
sad thoughts, sorry. in the end, I'll still be here. it's just weird that I only realize this now.
#sorry I don't mean to fear post. or misery post. or idk im being negative big sad. I just want to be wrong cause waiting all this time to#be let down cause yana or G fantasy made some marketing decision- or whatever is going on. idk cause there's barely any communication#between staff and fans#idk. I just hope they pull it together when it's needed and we get the grim emotional finale we all need#kuroshitsuji#black butler#ramblings#my text posts#but maybe im just complaining to myself cause at the end of the day as logical as I am i consume content with my emotions first#but at the end of the day if we don't feel anything when reading then what's the point#sorry to be such a downer here lol im sure whatever I post next will be happier#Im a worry wart. have been since the 4th grade
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