#i honestly can’t care right now
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Dear mother of mine,
Yeah, maybe I’m a bitch. But I also literally told you today that I almost had an anxiety attack while on my lunch break today. And that I’ve been depressed for at least a month now. And that I also haven’t been sleeping well at all.
Also, I work 2 jobs, 6 days a week, both extensively dealing with the public, and I’ve been overworked at both of them. And as of late, if I’m not pissed off at the world, then I pretty much exist in a state of apathy right now and my already limited capacity for dealing with emotions and giving a shit are even further limited.
This is all knowledge that you’re very well aware of.
You’re also well aware of the fact that your side of the family drains me faster than the Caps blow a lead and that I really only care about maybe 1 person on it. And this cousin who came up in conversation earlier? Yeah, he ain’t that 1 person. Never has been, never will be. Maybe he was OK 15+ yrs ago, but now? We don’t see him. We don’t hear from him. And he never was that involved to begin with (granted, given who his mom - my aunt by blood - is and how batshit crazy and obnoxious she is, I can’t blame him too much)
So yeah, I probably should care that he got shot while hunting today, but the cold hard truth is: I really don’t. And I can’t fake caring at this point.
Maybe I am a bitch. But at least I’m an honest one.
#family drama#shut up j no one cares#yeah I know#i am a bitch#but I honestly don’t care right now#i honestly can’t care right now#I’ve got enough going on in my own life right now#I don’t have the capacity or capability to care about what’s going on in someone else’s life#when that someone else doesn’t give a shit about me
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I’m so serious you can say as many fuck jkrs as you want but you’re still supporting a woman who is steadily endangering the lives of so many queer and trans people everywhere. You can’t death of the author someone who is gaining influence and impacting lives more every day. Even understanding the prejudices baked into her work and navigating them in a conscientious way won’t stop her from funding political parties. She’s been extremely open about how she perceives ANYONE who still engages with the HP franchise as a supporter of her views. How can you actively choose a media that you enjoy over a trans woman’s right to exist within society??
#the truest repairman posts#This counts for “marauders” too btw.#Your fandom was built on racist caricatures and slavery endorsement. If in this day and age you still defend it#Or even participate in it#Don’t follow me#or interact with me or whatever#anti harry potter#fuck jkr#Listen I grew up with HP. Target audience#Honestly it makes me sick now. I can’t IMAGINE being able to just ignore the fact that my rights are being taken away#Because people care more about an imaginary world.#Trans#btw I am aware that her views are negative towards ALL trans people#But I believe she thinks she’s “helping” “lost women” and so focuses on specific targeting of trans women differently than she does#Her perceived misled women.#God she’s disgusting#Vent
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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons
#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups#and the later regrets of the parties involved#anyway. tell me not to text her#it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength#she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life#and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever#going to get back#and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that#really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you#felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way#instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out#so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least#we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she#like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have#said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me#and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting
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I feel like between just like existing in the US rn and spending any time online has just caused me to feel angry so often that it has literally become exhausting. Like my nerves are fried to the point that makes me so tired
#personal#this is from all of the shitty political ads rn#that are literally just lies like flat out#that are airing in my state#this is also bc I have seen some people on here#who just like do not know how the internet works#and are just being straight up rude#I saw someone’s bio that was like don’t bother following if you’re not going to reblog anything#your corner of the internet like do whatever you want friend#but like I immediately blocked them bc i literally never want to see anything from them ever again#I genuinely don’t care what they may be posting or reblogging#bc it immediately made me so angry#I honestly can’t even tell you why it did specifically#I’ve been blocking people left and right#I now have a zero tolerance anymore#I’ve been avoiding using tumblr and like other stuff for that reason
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Me, six-ish hours ago: Yeah, I had the idea for an Avatar Suiren AU pretty much as long as Suiren herself existed, but idk if I'm ever gonna develop it, it's really hard to upkeep interest for it on my own...
Me, as soon as the concept of Suiren and Vaatu bullying Raava together popped into my head while I was typing out that long ass post: Fuck it, new strain of brain fungus acquired–
(Also yeah traditional art being posted for the first time since... 2020, probably. Don't have the spoons to transfer this to digital rn, maybe I will at some point and I'll do a fuckass Spirit World background or smth. We'll see)
First time drawing Vaatu so don't make fun of me, but honestly he's such a funky little guy and rather fun to draw. You just get that main shape down and then go nuts with the frills :) But also, credit where credit is due, scrolling through the Vaatu tag on @shadelorde’s blog really helped, so thank you for that 😊 And I really had no idea what to do with Suiren’s design here, I think I’ve used up all my character design juices on the nine previous iterations of her that exist, so for now she’s in a random dress with her hair down. I’ll probably alter it if I ever do a proper design for her in this verse
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original character#sotrl suiren#vaatu#avatar suiren au#I spent so long typing out tags for this post and tumblr fucking deleted them…#I’m going to go bite into a wall istg#I don’t have the energy to rewrite all of them so… quick summary#this takes place immediately after Suiren frees Vaatu during harmonic convergence#he briefly went all big and then shrunk so he could get a better look at her#while all this is going on Raava is screaming very loudly inside Suiren#Suiren is beyond caring. either Raava shuts up or she gets out. no other option#the avatar becomes balanced by fusing with Vaatu too or the avatar ceases to exist and suiren gets to live a normal life#spoiler alert: Raava does shut up but not for long#Suiren begins regretting her life decisions as soon as the two start arguing inside her#I’m pretty much stealing all the lore Kat came up with in bonded and adumbration lmao. hi Kat#oh also like 10 minutes before this Suiren killed Unalaq#his spiritfucker ass wouldn’t let her get to Vaatu that easily. but let’s be real he stood no chance against her#it’s fine though no one liked him anyway#honestly she did everyone a huge favour#anyway. yes Vaatu does have a tendril wrapped around her shoulders. bc it’s cute okay#damn Suiren how come Nia lets you be the weird lesbian daughter to TWO evil dads??#(yes I’m aware neither Vaatu nor Ghazan are evil. I’m trying to joke here but it’s almost 10 a.m and I can’t think anymore#simply everything is hilarious now)#what else did this used to say…#oh right. nia stop making LoK antagonists obsessed with your OC challenge#the Red Lotus are her parents. Kuvira is in love with her. now she’s being all buddy buddy with Vaatu#only one that’s missing is Amon bc I genuinely do not care for him lmao
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lmaoooo found out today that my 2 “colleagues” (that’s honestly a too nice of a word for them) complained about me to our boss that apparently i don’t work hard enough and often just sit around doing nothing :)
#can you believe these backstabbing bitches??????#i am absolutely livid#like the audacity these bitches have who the fuck do they think you are???#and now my boss wants me to be more forthcoming towards them like bitch wtf??? why should i be nicer to them or help them knowing that they#talk so poorly about me behind my back????#they’re so full of themselves and act so childish#like they could’ve just come up to me and talked to me about it like adults but nooo they run to the boss lmaoo#no wonder the boss doesn’t care about keeping me if he’s told what a bad worker i apparently am#and i only found out what they said about me from our lead pharmacist at least she was nice enough to tell me the truth#and now i’m crying again goooodddd fuck this job fuck these bitches i don’t deserve this!!!!#like i try so hard and put in so much effort but they really have the audacity to claim i just sit around#well i wonder what they’re gonna do once i quit since they always complain that they already do everything it shouldn’t a problem for them#right?? :)#like this is honestly so crazy to me bc so many people have already quit recently bc the working hours are absolutely horrible and now these#2 are making everything even worse like i already didn’t like going to work there but now i absolutely loathe it#to work with people and act nice with them knowing they they’re spewing such bs about me#and one of them was so nice to me today like how fake can you be?????#at least have the decency so say those things to my face and not talk behind my back like a school girl#fucking cowards!!!!! i really cannot stand them anymore i need to apply for other jobs asap#but i’m so scared that i won’t find anything else#but this job is seriously damaging me both physically and mentally#god please please please let me find a better job where i’m treated with respect please please please#i can’t do this anymore#i hate how much i’ve cried bc of this job and these horrible people already#☁️
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he could absolutely break my heart eventually. and i genuinely couldn’t care less
#god this whole thing drives me so crazy because like#i’m not constantly thinking abt when it’s going to be over and how it’ll end and all that like i usually do#of course i overthink and shit sometimes but most of the time#i’m able to remember the things he’s Actually said and done for me and not the things i’m scared he Could say. and i feel better#maybe i’ve said this before but recently i was trying to recall if there was even a single moment where he’d ever like#hurt my feelings or made me feel bad no matter how intentionally or unintentionally it was#and i literally couldn’t think of a single moment where he’d ever hurt me#so of course because i’m me i have to acknowledge there’s a Chance he could hurt me#and i like him so much that if that did happen it would probably really really upset me#but honestly i’m at a place right now where i don’t Care. and it’s crazy#i don’t care if he Could possibly break my heart eventually#because all i’m able to think of everytime i’m with him or talking to him is just how fucking great it feels#i can’t tell if this is any actual personal growth in me because just like#in general i don’t think i’ve ever felt this way abt anyone. it’s so dire#it’s so DIRE.#okay i’ll be quiet now but i’m just like#i don’t know. i just don’t feel negatively abt our relationship at all it just feels so Nice#not even any lingering paranoia can get in the way of how strongly i feel abt it#even if he’s not interested in me romantically whatsoever#he’s still one of the greatest and most supportive friends i’ve ever had and it’s. it’s really good#okay now i’m done
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good morning it is now 4 am and i have just finished watching atonement good night
#atonement#next tags are just going to be personal rants ignore that#i couldn’t sleep at all so i tried reading s&b and then fanfics and then the bell jar but it just didn’t hit#so then i tried writing but i just kept crying so i thought i’d watch a romance movie because yes#should’ve gone for four weddings and a funeral or pride and prejudice because what the hell is this#i didn’t know anything about this movie i just remember having it on my watchlist and saw ONE clip so i picked that help#and yes i ended up crying and the tears are still here but i’m also starting to think that that’s not entirely because of the movie at all#i stripped my bed off its sheets because the bright color annoyed me and it was already peeling off anyway and i was too lazy to put it rig#and when i pulled back from the screen after the movie finished and just look at how bare my bed is and how i’m in the middle of them#i just started crying again#and my legs are aching and i hate myself and i think i want to take a shower but maybe i’ll wait later on#i don’t think i’ll sleep at all honestly i’m not sleepy anymore#besides i’m thinking of going outside today just at the park i don’t know doing something#i always sleep really really late lately because my parents are out of country right now and no one is keeping me checked and i apparently#still can’t take care of myself. cried about that too it was something. why am the eldest daughter i’m so not fit for it#and then i always wake up at like 9 am and it’s already too late by then that i just never do anything productive#and it’s like i’ve been living in a simulation and i’m kinda going crazy and insane but it’s okay because today is going to be better#i hope because i’m not getting any sleep and i can finally go outside at 7 in the morning instead when it’s already way too hot#damn this is supposed to be one of the best years of my life??????? fuck off#also i can hear the azan subuh from the mosque by the neighborhood and i miss praying honestly#it’s so funny because i was happy to get my period because that meant i wouldn’t have to wake up so very early on in the morning#but i miss it now#hopefully my period will end soon#nadirants
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i really don’t care anymore honestly i hate most of you people. the only thing keeping me from deleting this shitty blog is cuz it’s got an archive of all my art and shit. you’re all way too fucking comfortable talking to someone you don’t know just cuz you follow my tumblr blog
#i’m probably gonna hurt the feelings of people i actually care about and don’t dislike by making sweeping statements like this but honestly#i can’t be assed to care about anything right now . i’m just gonna keep shooting myself in the foot until i feel something
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#plagued by thoughts and emotions.#man lmao I’ve bitched out So many times this week from reaching out to people. idk. it’s been so long that I just feel like I’m#not important enough to justify it. & I did manage a bit w one person but also ended up#retreating there too bc I just got the sense I made it awkward somehow#so yknow. really great stuff on my end hdjfk#idk idk I’m starved for meaningful social interaction I’m starved for literally anyone taking interest in me atp#it’s such a roller coaster I hype myself up > doesn’t work out > crash hard & I don’t like it. it’s exhausting! it’s really fucking sad too#I’m so tired of my own company & talking to myself all the time. I’ve heard everything I have to say already there’s only so much I can do#I don’t even know what else to say lmao I feel like I don’t really exist anymore outside of my own head#I feel like I can’t get anyone to just djjfjf care about anything I have to say no matter what?#I’m not enough my art isn’t enough whatever it was a few years ago isn’t there anymore.#and I want it to be genuine I don’t want it to be out of pity bc all that does is honestly get my hopes up a bit but it can’t/wont last#I say that for everyone’s benefit too like djjfjf I don’t want to be annoying any more than other people want to be annoyed#anyway I’m going to try to shake this off a bit bc I can’t do anything right now#and I’m not even sure I’d be in the right headspace to have a conversation without decompressing first
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there’s something wrong with me. i keep going to people for advice when i know they just don’t have the capacity 2 help me. like what the fuck is wrong with me
#i really really really have 2 get it through my fucking skull that just bc someone cares about what’s going on with me doesn’t mean they#should know. like people go seeking things they don’t have the ability to handle all the time. why is this new to me???#i guess i felt like everyone was right + like hiding things from people was self-imposed so i wanted 2 be mature about things and be a#little more open + now i’m realizing i really wasn’t lying to myself. people legitimately can’t handle the things i need help with.#which honestly might make me even less mature than i was hoping lol. like 2 anguish over things nobody anguishes over is pretty stupid#but then like i go 2 therapy or something + it's like i'm just lying 2 the therapist so they don't feel bad when they can't help me#like i lay out my issues + then when they can't fix it i pretend 2 slowly get better#idk i'm just so fucking messed-up lol.
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I wanna ramble about my ocs to ppl. that’s the vibe today
#izzy.txt★#like I’m sure I may be annoying with my love for them but I honestly don’t care bc they’re my babies and also helped me a lot in harder#times and also haku specifically gives me a lot of healing energy#and don’t get it twisted I’m not expecting ppl to love them as much as me right away it’s more like I just want to share all about them to#ppl who might lend an ear or are genuinely curious#I’m glad I can talk about them now to the void and to my frens who support me#I just can’t wait to like idk stream art at some point and ppl ask me about them or have questions like idk I might cry on sight
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Growing up is realizing that when your going through empathy burnout silence is an answer
#bays nonsense#having a shit day and so is my best friend but honestly i can’t even take care of me right now so#sorry man but i just#can’t carry anymore weight then I have already
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i hate being on the verge of tears in public !!! and it’s about fucking kpop i need to get a grip!!!!!!!$;73&38&2$.!’$/$3!/‘j$€{€!{£&jhhdjdhwijwgeieiehhejeiddggdneiwiwhuwjeieuebidnejskaowhhrbdieiruruidieieiehndozi&$:$£7:)3&k$$;$&jhdhiahJh
#only feeling a little bit upset tho!!!! RJUDJDK#HAHAHA I DONT EVEN CARE#I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE RESEARCH BEFORE GETTING MY HOPES UP LIKE THIS#HONESTLY FUCK KQ SO MUCH#OBVIOUSLY THEY SUCK BC#DUH ALL KPOP COMPANIES DO#AND I HATE THE THINGS THEY DO MOST OF THE TIME#BUT GOD#IM STILK UPSET#why did i expect anything decent god#basically since last tour i’ve planned and saved up to get vip tix!#ofc to be closer to the stage since i was in nosebleeds last time#but also because vip had hi touch and maybe even meet and greet if those are different idk whatever#and i was so so set on getting hi touch next time they toured#and now their touring and there is no hi touch or meet and greet whatsoever#and the prices are like triple compared to last time#and presale is tomorrow and i don’t even know what to do for tickets anymore#obviously i’m so so excited and lucky and privileged to be able to see them at all#as long as presale doesn’t sell out before i get anything lol#but still#i’m just having trouble getting over this part of it right now :((#and every time i think about it too hard or look at them or listen to their music i get real close to crying!!#i’m just really disappointed and i’ll probably sob about it when i get home to start getting over it lmao#anyways i don’t have any feelings about it tho!!#again i recognize this is such a spoiled thing to complain about and im sorry if its annoying to read abt!!#i so get that#i used to think i’d never even get to go to concerts at all and ik some people can’t#some people can’t even buy albums and that kind of thing so i do apologize for complaining about having money basically#i just saved up for so long and got so excited :((
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I used to date an older guy (like mid 40s) a few years back and I always got stupidly turned on when he fixed stuff around his house?? Like, he just knew hot to do it and did it. No googling, just him and his tools. Feel like it would fit somewhere in your older bf Simon stuff.
god love a fully capable “fuck it i’ll do it” type of man 🫶🏼
you know that your older bf!simon doesn’t believe in hiring tradespeople for a service.
“why would i pay someone to fuck about in my home?”
“they’re not fucking about, si! they’d be fixing the sink”
“i’ll do it”
you have no doubt that simon was more than capable of fixing things around the house but you also wanted him relaxing when he was home.
turns out he couldn’t relax at the thought of another man doing something for you.
so you let him do it, you threw your hands up and waved your white tea towel in defeat as you heard him banging around in the garage for tools.
hearing the faint sounds of grunting and the occasional swear word coming from the bathroom, you thought it might pay to go and see how he was getting on.
fucking hell.
simon was on his back, arms stretched up above him as his hands dwarfed the pipe they were wrapped around. t-shirt riding up, lines of his stomach leading right to his belt, knees bent and boots firmly planted on the floor, you could honestly just-
“oi, you gonna’ stare or help me?”
now how the fuck?
“your heads in the cupboard, how did you know-“
“i always know where you are, pass me the wrench”
crouching down beside him, you handed it over and stayed down there to watch him work. scarred knuckles wrapped around the handle of the tool, other palm flat against the base of the sink so you could see the veins.
he was something else entirely.
“how d’you know how to do all this?”
“taught m’self, come hold this”
you reached over to replace where his palm was so he could have both hands back. “but why? surely other people don’t learn all this?”
“other people don’t care about their sweet’art not having to lift a finger- move your finger for me”
the more you stretched to hold the sink, the more you felt yourself losing traction with it. naturally, simon noticed before you did.
“y’need to get closer, cm’ere”
tools landing to the side of him, two large hands plucked you up till you were dropped in his lap. precarious situation but you couldn’t deny the sink was a lot easier to reach.
you stayed like that, letting simon work in peace as you enjoyed your view. honestly, he could invite you to the end of the world and you’d just be happy to hold his hand.
one hand splayed out on his chest, the other holding the sink, you suddenly felt a tickle forming at the end of your nose. before you knew it, you were pulling your hand back to scratch it- the one holding the sink.
you panicked, realising it could very well land on simon’s head. but it didn’t, it stayed completely still. face screwing up, you leant in again to give the sink a nudge only to find out it was totally fixed.
“what the hell, si? why’d you have me doing all that?”
you saw the smirk on his face as he flashed a look over at you. suddenly, you realised you weren’t the only one enjoying the view.
the hand that didn’t have the wrench came out to give you a pat on the side of your hip.
“c’mon sweet’art, i can’t get anything outta’ this?”
#GOD i need him i neeeeed him#this is self indulgent my bf is a tradie i regularly objectify him when he’s fixing our home#ANYWAY when tf is that ghost mask coming from amazon#WHO SAID THAT?#older bf!simon#simon riley smut#simon ghost riley smut#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley blurb#simon riley drabble#simon ghost riley blurb#simon ghost riley drabble#simon riley x reader
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🤭😵💫🤨🫶🏻
#body image mentions#just saw a photo of how my body looked right after i graduated college. i want to scream#i. honestly don’t look in the mirror anymore bc i don’t recognize myself#i hate myself i hate the horrible decisions i make i hate#i hate how depressed i am that i can’t bring nyself to take care of my body!!!!!!!!!!#goddddddd#i want to crawl out of my skin and d.e now#i don’t know who i am anymore i have had so much derealization from these body issues i just wish i never had a care about this
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