#man lmao I’ve bitched out So many times this week from reaching out to people. idk. it’s been so long that I just feel like I’m

[vampiremourning]

.

[theglowyscorpio]

all set | eren x reader

a/n: this is a story in the making, currently available at AO3 and Wattpad. If you like it, please don't hesitate to give me some kudos, leave a comment or maybe follow me on my social media! <3 Any feedback is highly appreciated since I'm just getting started!

pairing: eren yeager x female reader

tags: mature content, alternate universe (modern setting), college/university, recreational drug use, implied sexual content, M/F, F/F, the author is not religious lmao

word count: 4.3k

current chapters: 2/?

playlist: this one was made with a particular playlist in mind. they are really great songs that help to convey this chapter, so I hope you have a time to check them out! :)

a. slomosa - kevin b. upsahl - drugs c. rosenfeld - like u d. kaiba - overdose e. lil kapow - tinman f. bodega - how did this happen!?

***

all set

I lost count of how many parties I went to this week. There was one at Shina, another at... Sasha's. Wait, was it? Or Ymir's? Honestly, both their houses look fairly similar and we always see the same faces over and over again, regardless of where we are getting wasted. Definitely two at my house. The timeline is blurry at this point. If my liver could talk, it would spit out "Screw you, Eren." and I wouldn't be able to disagree.

Classes will start next week so everyone is acting like we're going to stop doing all this for the rest of the semester. That never happens.

I barely enter Reiner's house and the music is already piercing my head. My ears will soon tell me to go screw myself too. The bass was loud. But it was good.

— Hey, finally — Reiner says, giving a hard slap in my back. I can't even get mad at him because he probably didn't mean for it to hurt. Fucking strong bastard.

— Sorry. Lost track of time.

— You know where the things are — he leaves me behind and disappears through the noisy music.

It's hot inside. August has been particularly cruel this year. I'm using a black t-shirt, which is luckily pretty thin, and my black Adidas pants that are somewhat breathable. My hair is in a bun. I will probably be sweating soon, though. Reiner's AC won't do miracles with this amount of people since it is specially packed today. I guess I might see some new faces tonight, huh.

This fact already makes things more interesting.

I walk through the room and then arrive in the kitchen. Connie and Sasha are there.

— Eren!! — I barely open my mouth to talk and Sasha is already giving me whatever weird drink they made. Their drinks sometimes are... unusual, for the lack of a better word. Most of the time they are simply pure shit. They call it scout's fuel, always the same name regardless of what's inside. Maybe that's why my liver hates me so much.

— Thanks — I'm already used to the goddamn gasoline taste — I guess you both want to get us wasted tonight.

— It's our personal mission, so enjoy the fuel — Connie says laughing, raising his plastic cup. I love this duo – who doesn't? – and I can't help but laugh with them, even though it tastes so bad — Everyone is already here, come on — I follow them and find all the familiar faces I've seen all week: Bertholdt, Historia, Ymir, Mikasa, Annie, Armin, Jean, everyone.

The girls look hot, even though I'm used to them. Either way, I avoid hooking up with my friends since the last time didn't work so well. It's better to avoid Mikasa today.

We all sit together while drinking. I light a joint I had already prepared at home and say — Am I crazy or is Reiner's party bigger than usual? —, releasing the smoke a few seconds after. This one is the best grass we could get around our area, I've saved it primarily for today and now I see that might have been a great decision on my part. I'm glancing through the room and looking for some girls, might share this shit with one - or a few - of them later.

— Thank god, I was tired of seeing your ugly faces every fucking time — Jean says. The girls look at him and he rushes to add — I mean, the boys, of course. It's always nice looking at all of you, ladies.

It's not enough to avoid Annie's kick anyway — We can say the same of you, horse face.

Reiner arrives at the perfect time and explains — Since the new semester starts Monday, news about today traveled fast and we got a lot more company than usual.

— Do you know all of them, Reiner? — Historia asks — I've talked to a bunch of them tonight and there are people from all over the campus and from all years as well — Historia always looks pretty, her blonde hair shining even in the low light of the party. Guys make a line to talk to her at all parties so there's no surprise that she's already familiarized with the whole scenario. I wonder what Ymir thinks of it. Probably followed her during this little field trip.

— Hell, no — he grabs the joint of my hand and sucks deeply — I know some of them and some are Bertholdt's friends but there are some random people.

— I bet Reiner knows a lot of the girls — I take my joint back from his fingers — I assume they aren't Bertholdt's friends, though — and grin.

— Hey, I don't see you with any new company either, dude — Bertholdt tries to grab my weed as well, but I avoid his advances. He instead grabs my cup and drinks all of it, leaving me empty. He makes a funny face at the taste. Suit yourself, man, I think to myself, laughing on the inside.

— Yeah, but I'll work on it in a sec — I tease him knowing that he can't handle much of Sasha and Connie's fuel. He always knocks out before everyone. I hope he realizes he needs to stay awake to try anything with Annie. Someday. He simply never gets there.

Hange arrives almost falling over Ymir and spilling her drink on the floor in the process — I think we should all make a toast and make this last party a wild ride!!! — her yelling stabbing us louder than the music.

— Bitch, you are this fucking drunk already? — Ymir says to her, holding Hange's weight on her back — What the hell did the gasoline duo do to you?

— Okay okay, enough with the questions, let me fill your cups because this is the night! — Sasha says, just pouring all that mystery liquid that soon will go straight to our heads — Also, Reiner, where's the food?

We raise our plastic cups and Connie yells — To the new semester! — and we drink, feeling the immediate burn on our throats. It's hard being a scout.

— I need to get laid today — Jean says as he lays his back on the couch — Gonna arrive for the classes pretty motivated next week — he then rests his left arm at the back pillow, behind Mikasa's head.

— You should start roaming, then — her cold delivery puts Jean's subtle attempt at flirting six feet under the ground, as usual. It was pretty damn quick, but I could notice Mikasa glancing at me and then looking the other way. Yeah, I think I need to start roaming soon, too.

— That sounds great, then let's do that!!! — Hange grabs Jean by the arm and they disappear amongst the crowd.

— When all this fun ends, I'll be the one who will probably have to take him home after he gets slapped by some girls — Armin and Jean live with me so we normally go back together. Armin is the responsible one between us, which is not exactly hard considering how Jean and I are — Gonna at least drink some beer before that happens.

— I'll go with you, this drink sucks — Annie says, finishing the drink anyway and following him. We always drink the last drop of it, we never learn.

The girls went dancing, the music was exceptionally good today. A lot of bands I already liked plus some I have never heard before. I need to remember to ask Reiner for this playlist later. Connie was already surrounded by a different group, everyone likes to talk to him. He is popular. The rest dispersed as well and I could hear Hange's screams far away. This is going to be a night for her, indeed.

I start walking around, meeting a lot of people from my classes and others from the campus in general. I talk to all of them and drink a lot in the process, which feeds my need for nicotine every time. I grab my pack of cigarettes and while smoking, I see Levi.

— I must be dreaming — I say, letting the smoke leave my lips with a smile. It reaches him and looks at me with a deadly expression. He is smoking as well, but he only admits one specific brand of cigarettes and hates all the others. Levi usually doesn't show up at these "brat" parties, as he likes to say, since he's a few years older than us. I normally see him at Shina's, which is a popular club slash bar near our university. He's the owner so we all met him there, after going so many times. Shina has the best parties and the best drinks of all the clubs near us. And it couldn't be any other way, since Levi is a perfectionist. There's also a small stage there, where indie bands perform from time to time. My band does some gigs there sometimes.

— Hey — he replies, as cold as ever. He's Mikasa's cousin, so they have the same expressions and hard-to-approach vibe — Already high, I see.

— Always. In fact, today I hope to be higher than usual. What miracle brings you here?

— Some people from the staff decided to come here today so there are fewer brats to piss me off — he drinks what's probably a high priced whiskey and continues — and there's a new girl at the club so we have been showing her the area for a few weeks now.

— There's a lot of new girls here today — although I know Levi doesn't give a crap.

— So? — yeah, he doesn't.

Levi is a pretty successful business owner and even I have to admit that he's hot – is not only common knowledge but a mutual agreement between everyone –, so girls are always trying to get him, but he doesn't screw most of them. He doesn't fuck brats, period. He says he doesn't have the patience. That makes the girls even more desperate. He has the highest standards of every guy I know. When he was still in university – the same we all go –, he screwed not only the hottest girls but also the professors - which went after him and not the other way around. At least that's what I've heard. I think Levi never had to actively look for any girl, to be honest.

I can only laugh at his reply. That's just so him.

— If you want more stuff than what's already in your system, Floch is over there.

— I want, actually. I was going to look for him — I see Floch's red hair among some folks. Floch is usually as busy as Connie but with less than half of the charisma.

He finishes his cigarette, blowing its last white smoke into the air, and we both hear a loud HELL YEAH!! coming from all the other way across the room — Tsk, is that Hange?

— Pfft, it was before, I think it's Sasha now — he doesn't laugh at my reply. He never does. I think hell would freeze while heaven catches on fire.

I think about the music again. It's so good today, what the hell — Hey Levi, don't you think this playlist is too high quality for a Reiner party? I don't get it, his music taste is always pure trash.

— That's from our new girl — he drinks the last drops of his whiskey and starts to leave — You might find her around here — he then suddenly stops and looks at me — Don't get your hopes up, though.

I am not able to ask what he meant by that because he leaves too quickly. Time to look for Floch.

— Hey, Flo-

— Here.

— You didn't even let me finish.

— I know what you want. You are not in the mood for cocaine so you want MD instead, blah-blah-blah-blah. Is that kind of night — he pauses for mere seconds — Am I wrong, Eren?

— Nope, right as usual — Floch is the main person you go to when you need drugs. I mean, good drugs. He looks like your standard rich boy – which he is, by the way – that can do no wrong, but you can get the best stuff from him. I've always found this funny. The weed I have today was his work. He knows my taste well.

Reiner's frat house is huge, so there's plenty of room to walk. I'm approached by a bunch of girls on the way but for some reason, none of them piques my interest. I am pretty set on going after something new today and I have no problem getting laid. It happened every single day this week and it truly happens anytime I want. Which, okay, boosts my ego a little bit. Maybe a lot. I might even have hurt some girls in the process. I was never slapped though, unlike Jean. So that's a win in my book.

I see a few of my friends again, mainly Historia and Reiner, and they are talking to a girl I've never seen before.

She has long black hair and short messy bangs, the kind that goes a little above the eyebrows. I didn't know black hair was my thing until now. Her face has the perfect features, at least for me. She's wearing a sleeveless white top that is so tight that hugs her figure perfectly and makes her breasts look amazing. That type of top that shows the girl's side boob, and I'm a total sucker for those. It is also short so you can see a bit of her waist. And I don't even have to see her ass because I already know it is probably too damn good. Her light blue ripped jeans are cool as well and she has black sneakers. I like her style. She has a bunch of tattoos - a lot on her right arm, one on her left hand, and probably some that I couldn't see because they were behind her clothes. I intended to, though.

Fuck, she's hot.

Historia looks mesmerized talking to her, which is a very privileged view from where I stand because, as I've already said before, she is also beautiful. But she isn't exactly hot. This girl is. Way too much. Oh, and Reiner is there too. Whatever.

I can see a lot of guys want to approach her but none of them do. I went for it. Wasn't this night supposed to be wild?

— Hey, Eren! Guess what, Y/N is the new DJ at Shina! I was telling her how we go there all the time.

— Hi, Eren, nice to meet you — she says, with that kind of smile that people who know they are hot make. I do that too.

— Hey, Y/N — I say. And as I told you seconds before, I'm good with that type of smile as well so that's what she gets — Levi told me he came with the staff and a new girl, so I suppose that's you.

— Yeah, I'll start there next week.

— I talked to him about the party's playlist because I knew it couldn't be Reiner's.

— Yeah, it's Y/N's. She prepared it for the party when I invited the guys from Shina yesterday. We were in the same high school. — Reiner says that looking at me with a face that shows "See that, dickhead? I've known her for some years now".

— It's pretty good! I can't wait for the next party at Shina's to see your set! — Historia was always an angel.

REINER, WHERE'S THE REST OF THE ICE, MAN??, someone screamed far away.

— Shit. Catch up with you later, Y/N.

Too bad, huh, Reiner? He gives me a look that I can't quite figure out what it is, but I know for sure it wasn't a look of support. In the fucking slightest.

— I think Ymir is calling me as well, sorry!! — It was painfully obvious that Ymir wanted to make out with Historia for some time now. They never did. I think only Historia hasn't realized yet that Ymir is thirsty for her for god knows how long.

After Historia left, there was only me and her — So, by any chance, do you go to the same university as us? You look our age but Levi said you are new here — I tried asking this without looking at her body, but looking at her face was even worse. Her eyes were piercing me in the best way possible.

— I'm not exactly new, I'm from the same uni as you guys, but I took a gap year — she takes a sip of her drink — You probably never met me but I'm in the same year as you all are now.

Since Reiner knew her from high school, he also knew she was at the same university all along and never told any of the guys. Smart fucker.

— So that makes you a year older than me — I smirk at her.

— I guess it does — she smirks back as she lights up a cigarette and blows the smoke at me.

Ok, looking good so far.

I'm pretty high at this point, the MD and the music are making me horny, so I don't even bother to pretend that I'm not looking at her body. I'm looking at everything.

— You took something, didn't you?

— Do you want some? I can show you later where to get the best stuff. Anything you are in the mood for.

— I'm all set — she shows me her tongue and I see the acid. The view makes my own tongue feel lonely, maybe I should use it to steal that from her mouth. I hope she's horny as well.

We talk a lot about music since it's something that we both enjoy. She's passionate about it, I can tell. She asks about my band with true interest. Doesn't sound like small talk. She touches her hair and it makes me want to stuff my face in it. She has the smile that makes you want more. Her voice has the same effect.

The loud music allows us to talk near each other's ears. I hope she moans as loud as her playlist. The girls usually love my hair for some reason, either if it's in a messy bun as it is right now or if it's loose. They all love my green eyes too. She can see all that with somewhat detail since we are so close, even though it is a little dark here. If I take you to a room you can see me better, I almost blurb it out. I can see her too and that kills me.

She looks receptive to me but normally at this point I would be already hooking up with the girl. This time it isn't happening. I never have to work so much. I think I understand why the other guys didn't approach her before. She's a little intimidating to talk to, and that comes naturally to her – it doesn't seem to be on purpose. I flirt with her the way I normally do but she is hard to get, she hits every ball I throw. I remember what Levi said before. Oh, right.

But I'm vibing way too much at this point, I think if I touch any part of her I'll get hard immediately.

— This gap year you've mentioned... Did you go anywhere specific?

— I know it will sound cliché, but I went to Europe.

— Where in Europe?

— Everywhere — she says — I went down — the corner of her lips forming a smile  — And up. Everywhere. — and I can swear she sounds flirtatious as hell. I want to bite her lip.

— That sounds... Awesome. — I think she wants to bite me too, or at least I hope she does — Was there any particular reason to leave? If that's not too much to ask.

— Hm, I was kinda... — she stops to think for a few seconds as she holds her hair up and makes a ponytail, looking at the ground, the cigarette glued to her now closed lips. Her neck became exposed, it looks soft as hell and I can't wait to bruise it. She releases the smoke, that flows into the room, and looks deep into my eyes, as deep as I want to be inside her right now — ...stressed.

I reach my limit at this point.

— I can help you with the stress if you want.

— Really? — she's looking at me with the same teasing look and I'm doing the same, so we both know that's not a question I have to answer. Her tongue quickly passes through her top lip, her mouth forming a little wet smile — I don't think I need any help though.

I threw the ball and she hit a home run. My team was out.

I was not expecting that.

We hear some of the guys from Shina calling for her — Oh, they are calling me — Y/N looks at me again and says — See you around, Eren — giving me the same fucking grin I wanted to bite before.

She walks away and I see that her ass is, as I suspected from the very beginning, too damn good.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

After this, some time has passed. I look at the clock. Yeah, maybe a lot. I couldn't tell before because I'm drunk and drugged. I see most of my friends, all fucking wasted. Armin is holding up pretty well, Bertholdt's is knocked down for God knows how long, Mikasa probably smoked way too much weed (who am I to judge?) and looks dead on the couch. I don't see Ymir, Historia nor Reiner - there are too many people in this house to keep count. Sasha's eating something in the kitchen, I can't see what it is, but certainly, she got hungrier than normal after smoking some pot Connie gave her. Connie always holds his drinks well, he's still talking to a lot of people. I pass in front of one of the bathrooms and Hange is there, getting everything out of her system. Oh, and Ymir. There she is, holding Hange's hair, looking as pissed as ever. Levi probably went home hours ago. Jean is making out with some chick, he's going to score tonight. To be fair, he always does, but never with Mikasa.

I saw a lot of pretty girls today and I went for none of them. They tried and I shut them down, even the ones I normally fuck. There's someone I want to taste tonight and she's nowhere to be found. The guys from Shina are missing too, so I know I won't see her today anymore. Damn.

I'm not pissed at her but I'm pissed at the situation.

— Armin, I think I'm going to take off, are you coming?

— Yeah, I'm already pretty tired — he gets up — Jean's probably going to stay here.

— Yep. Probably. — Am I pissed that Jean's getting laid? Even though I could have as well? With someone else, at least? My mood feels off.

— I'm going with you too, I've lost count of how many assholes I had to shut down today. I think I even punched a few — I don't have to look to know that's Annie speaking — You were right, Eren, is it especially crowded today. In the shittiest way possible.

— Then let's go.

— Wait, I need to get my bag first, I left it in Reiner's room.

— I can get that for you, wait up.

— It's a black one. Small.

I sign a thumbs up for her and climb the stairs. I am hundred percent sure I'm going to see someone fucking there but that's the usual. I'm pretty sure I've already seen some people screwing in the corner of the living room minutes before. No one cares.

I open the door and see Y/N in her underwear, putting her white top back on. She does indeed have other tattoos.

— Hey there! — she says smiling, as she also puts her jeans back up, making little jumps so they pass through her ass. Her hair is not in a ponytail anymore.

I say hi in a confusing way.

— I came here to get my friend's bag — I look around for milliseconds like I don't know where the hell I am until I see Reiner lying - clearly naked - under his sheets. Can't be anyone else, with that bleached hair and huge biceps.

What? Ahn?

Hey... Wait a second.

Historia? Clearly naked as well? What. The. Hell. I guess she's not exactly the angel I thought she was?

They are sort of awake, sort of sleeping, kinda like on a different planet. You know, the type of thing that happens after a really strong fuck? That sort. They look exhausted. They look destroyed. And not in a bad way. AT ALL.

— Oh, I saw a bag before. Here you go — she gives me Annie's bag. She's all dressed now. She notices my confusion, I'm too high to act any other way — I've told you I don't need any help — her eyes piercing mine for the hundredth time tonight. Her smile hurts now. Ouch.

She grabs her sneakers and walks towards me and the door:

— I'm all set.

She leaves the room as I hold Annie's bag.

Yeah. I was not expecting that.

***

Thanks for reading (if there's even anyone here lmao). Chapter 2 will be uploaded later but it can be read now at AO3 or Wattpad.

[threecrowsinatrenchcoat]

Paint My Spirit Gold

Dukeceit Week Day 2: Green/Yellow

Fans of the YouTubers "Deceit" and Remus "The Duke" Sanders start to suspect that maybe, just maybe, the two of them are more than simple internet pals.

AO3 Link: [here]

Word Count: 2187

Warnings: n/a

@dukeceitweek <3

-

[ID: A screenshot of a Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It features a watercolor-style painting of a snake. The snake appears to be made of melting chocolate, and there is a large bite taken out of its tail. Cherries and jam are leaking out of the snake at the bite wound. The snake's expression of horror is overly-exaggerated to the point of comedy. The caption reads: "liked your snake boi, @SerpenThyme. thanks for the inspo." /end ID]

- 

A notification ding cut Janus off mid-sentence. 

“Wow, someone left their cell phone on, so professional,” he said, giving the camera a dramatic eye roll. That someone was him, of course, because he was the only one in the apartment- just him and the running livestream- but that was no excuse not to be a drama queen about it. He finished wiping flour off his hands and grabbed his phone to silence it; but the notification made him pause. He flicked his eyes up toward the camera and gave a slight smirk.

“My goodness, I’m famous,” he drawled. “The Duke himself has graced little old me with some fan art.”

Most of the comments in the chat wanted him to show it, so Janus opened up Twitter to see the full post he’d been tagged in. It was a watercolor painting of the coiled-snake chocolate sculpture- lovingly named Jake by his viewers- he’d made for his YouTube video last week; it was wearing an expression of such comedic horror that Janus had to stifle a laugh. He flicked his phone screen toward the close-up camera on his counter so his viewers could see.

“How kind of you, Remus,” he said. “All of you should go scold him for what he’s done to poor Jake here.”

Most of his viewers would know he was joking- after all, they were the ones to nickname him Deceit when he provided neither a real or fake name for his online persona. They knew full well what he was like by now.

The oven timer dinged. Janus silenced his phone and set it aside.

“And our first batch of cookies is done. You know, why don’t we show the Duke some appreciation?”

-

[ID: An Instagram post by user @SerpenThyme. The photo is an artistically-framed shot of a stack of sugar cookies with green, yellow, and pink icing. Propped up against the stack is another cookie, with an intricate icing-drawing of an octopus. The photo appears to have been color corrected to have high contrast, low saturation, and a dark vignette at the edges. The Instagram user @OctoDukie is tagged. No caption. /end ID]

- 

“You know, I have often been accused of actually being a little old lady, what with my fondness for knitted jumpers, rocking chairs, and incredibly fucked up murder mystery books. Today I am doing nothing to dispel this accusation, by making soup.”

The studio was dark and empty aside from Remus' workspace. Everyone else had left long ago, even his own brother, which meant that it was officially ass-o'clock in the morning (or, as most people called it, somewhere between 1 and 2 a.m.) But Remus was stuck in hyperfocus, honed in on putting the last touches on a commission that he'd been putting off for weeks. It's not that it was a tough painting- once he'd gotten started, it was actually a very creatively satisfying piece- but man, executive dysfunction could go suck a dick

“French onion soup, specifically. Because while I do like to pretend I am a classy bitch, I am also, regrettably, a lazy bitch with a distaste for anything that takes longer than one bottle of wine to make.”

Remus hated working in silence. It was stifling, almost suffocating. His brain needed noise like his lungs needed air. So when the studio had grown still and silent, Remus had flipped open his laptop and queued up some YouTube videos. 

“So we have here three pounds of onions that we need to slice up, pole to pole. You’re going to cry no matter what, so if you have any memories you’ve been repressing since middle school, now is an excellent time to dredge those up.” 

And if it happened to be 90% SerpenThyme videos, well. Sue him. 

“Now the first rule of caramelizing onions: fast and sloppy is always better than slow and thorough… at least, that’s what every man I’ve ever slept with tells me.”

Remus choked and glanced over to his laptop screen just in time to catch Deceit's trademark smirk directed at the audience just for a moment. It was the deadpan delivery that always got him. Remus could barely hold onto a joke long enough to get through it without cackling mid-punchline, but this fucker could say the funniest shit like an off-hand comment. 

He wiped his hands off on his jeans (what use were clothes if you couldn't use them as paint rags?) and pulled his laptop across the table.  He typed out a quick comment, citing the timestamp of the joke, and after it was posted, he shut his laptop. 

'Cause ass-o'clock was short for "get-your-ass-home-or-I’ll-kick-it" o'clock. 

-

[ID: A screenshot of a YouTube comments section. The first comment is by user TheDuke, and reads: "10:42 wow, rude." The second comment is a reply by user SerpenThyme, and simply reads ";)" /end ID]

-

Janus plopped down on the couch with a slight groan. He didn’t need to stream today, but he really hated missing days. Besides… he was fine. Really. 

He adjusted the camera until he was happy with the framing, and then checked the settings on his streaming software. Satisfied, he started the stream, and watched as his usual viewers rolled in. 

“What do you mean I’m not in my kitchen?” Janus drawled, addressing the chat. He glanced around with an expression of faux-shock on his face. “My goodness, when did that happen?”

He chuckled, and then gestured to his surroundings. “Yes, we are in my living room today. If you must know, my closest and most trusted friend tried to murder me today- yes, Virgil, it was attempted murder and nothing less- and I survived with nary a scratch… and a broken foot, but that is beside the point. Anyway, I’m not allowed to stand for long periods of time, and I may or may not be somewhat inebriated by pain pills and couldn’t stand even if I wanted to. So we are cooking from my couch today.”

Janus paused for a few moments to read the chat messages as they popped up. A few get well soon’s, a few theories about the “attempted murder,” Virgil- who moderated his chat for him- vehemently denying the “attempted murder” but otherwise refusing to clarify the event, and a large volume of wtf why are you streaming today, take care of yourself comments, which made him smile. But one particular comment caught his eye, almost lost amid the torrent of an active chat: wait this kinda looks like the Duke’s living room?

“Oh, VampSuga,” he said, addressing that commenter in particular with a slight smirk. “I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, since I can’t reach my oven from here, I thought some no-bake cookies were in order. For these you will need-”

-

[ID: A screenshot of a Discord conversation. The text reads:

“VampSuga: Ok ok hear me out. Dukeceit. 

Starstruck96: who?

IneffableSnek: lmao

FeralBeauYasha: lol

VampSuga: Deceit and Remus Sanders! They’re totally dating. I will die on this hill. 

FeralBeauYasha: Isn’t the duke w/ PatPat?

IneffableSnek: no thats his brothers bf

FeralBeauYasha: ohh

VampSuga: Did anyone see Deceit’s stream today? I swear that’s the Duke’s livingroom. 

StarStruck96: idk that seems like a stretch

IneffableSnek: no wait i kno what u mean

IneffableSnek: im watching the duke’s old videos and that one where he shows off all his old weapons he’s in a living room kinda like deceit’s 

FeralBeauYasha: They were acting all cute on twitter too

VampSuga: DUKECEIT”  /end ID]

-

"Hey guys, been a while since you've seen my face and not just whatever my hands are busy with, when it's within YouTube's terms and conditions I mean. They used to be way more lenient…" Remus trailed off for a moment, then shook his head sharply and plastered on a grin. 

"Anyway! In June me and a few other creators did a fundraiser for the Trevor Project, and y'all smashed the goal, so I let you decide what video I'd make this month." He paused, and gestured to the mountain of clothes piled behind him on the bed. "And you had so many juicy ideas to choose from, but you decided to dress me up like a Barbie instead."

Remus paused to scroll through his phone for a few moments. "Ah, ok, here we go. Twitter user YoonIsMyCat- oh, BTS, nice- sent in this first outfit. Uh… future Remus, put up the post here somewhere." He gestured vaguely to his right. "Y'all went with either a fuckton more clothes or a fuckton less clothes, which I respect. Apparently this outfit is called…” He squinted at his phone. “Amish chic? I take it back, no respect at all.”

Remus cycled through the outfits his viewers sent in, which ranged from the aforementioned “Amish chic” to “2008 rave attire” to “ok now you guys are just fucking with me” (which consisted of one of those big puffy snow coats, lime green in color; booty shorts with the shrug text emoji across the ass; fuzzy pink boots; and a yellow cowboy hat to top off the whole thing. It was awful. Remus loved it.) The mountain of clothes on the bed gradually became a mess of clothes spread across the floor instead, until there was just one outfit left. 

“Ok so Twitter user VampSuga sent me this outfit that I’m gonna call ‘sexy librarian.’ I couldn’t find this exact sweater online, but-” he paused for dramatic effect, before brandishing a sweater toward the camera like a bullfighter. “My boyfriend had something that was close enough.”

Remus hopped up from the bed and switched off the camera so he could change.

“They’re going to lose their minds,” a voice drawled from the doorway. Remus threw his shirt at him.

“Shoo, I’m getting naked.”

-

[ID: A Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It features a selfie of YouTuber Remus “The Duke” Sanders, a Hispanic man with his hair dyed green and styled into a spiked mohawk. He is wearing a yellow knitted cardigan over a black button-up shirt. He is grinning widely at the camera. The caption reads: “my viewers pick my outfits! now live on youtube. go see what i look like as a sexy librarian!” /end ID]

-

DukeceitStan

first and only dukeceit shipper ig

DukeceitStan

wow there’s so many of you now! Hi!!

DukeceitStan

i want this to be canon so bad omg

DukeceitStan

i mean just look

[image]

how 

[image]

cute

[image]

[ID: A series of three gifs featuring Youtubers SerpenThyme, aka Deceit, and TheDuke, aka Remus Sanders. Deceit is a black man with long, dreadlocked hair, and vitiligo patches along the left side of his face. Remus is a Hispanic man with green-dyed hair styled into a mohawk, many ear and facial piercings, and tattoos covering both arms. Each gif is edited so that the highlights are tinged yellow when Deceit is seen, and tinged green when Remus is seen.

The first gif depicts a close-up shot of Deceit’s hands as he carefully decorates a cookie with green and yellow icing. The cookie art he is working on appears to be a half-finished octopus. The gif then fades into a mid-shot of Remus, with his back to the camera, facing a canvas. The canvas is blank, and Remus appears to be laying out paints on a table to his left. 

The second gif depicts Deceit seated at his couch, facing the camera. He has many ingredients spread across his coffee table (including oats, cocoa powder, and butter) and appears to be in the process of laying out several more. The gif fades to show Remus seated at a similar couch with a similar coffee table in front of him. The camera is angled slightly downward to better show the myriad of knives spread out across the table. Remus is gesturing wildly with a morning star held in his hand. 

The third gif depicts Deceit in his kitchen. He is pulling on a bright, yellow knitted cardigan, and smirking toward the camera. The gif fades to show Remus in his bedroom, seated on his bed. He is holding up a similar-looking cardigan toward the camera and grinning. /end ID]

- 

“Remus, it’s almost two in the morning. Come to bed.”

“I’m coming, sorry. Twitter distracted me.”

“Mm. I can’t believe the bird app is more distracting than I am.”

“You should try harder.”

“Come to bed and maybe I will.”

“Ok, ok, I’m coming. Hang on though, is it cool if I post this?”

“Sure. They figured it out anyway.”

“Sweet. Ok, Jannie, I’m coming.”

-

[ID: A screenshot of a Twitter post by user @CallMeDukie. It reads: “Dukeceit is canon.” /end ID] 

[legendofzelda4life]

Sleepless nights

Helloooo and welcome back to cliche af titles day 16 lmao

Today I present some Legend and Wild fluff.

Yeah, you can already guess how this goes.

--------------------------------------

Legend was walking next to an orange-ish hair.

“So, Link, how’s your journey been?” She asked. For some reason - though Legend knew who she was - he couldn’t see her face.

“It’s been great! I’ve- Marin?” The girl was gone.

Legend spun around to be met with an island fading away.

Suddenly he was in Lorule.

Then Holodrum.

Labryna.

Then waking up in his house with his uncle.

He disappeared too.

Legend was alone in darkness.

He dropped to his knees and reached out.

“NO!” He yelled. “DON’T LEAVE!” He clutched either side of his head as he cried.

“I’M SORRY!” He yelled again before growing quieter. “I’m sorry! Is that what you wanted to hear?” He looked up to see everyone he’s ever left behind staring him down.

“I need you…”

“Please.” He whimpered before laying down in the darkness, still clutching his head as he cried, wishing the voices would stop.

“Legend?” That was Wild’s voice.

Why was he awake? Had he yelled out in his sleep and woken everyone? Or just Wild? Maybe Wild was already up.

Legend slowly opened his eyes and was met with Wild shaking his shoulders.

“Hey,” the cook smiled softly, “you okay? You were tossin’ ‘round.” Legend just nodded in response. Failing to find his voice, the boy resorted to signing.

“Did I yell out? Or wake you?” He signed. Wild shook his head. “No, 100 years was a good nap for me so I don’t sleep some nights.” The boy said, sitting next to Legend - who had sat up.

“Oh…” Legend trailed off.

“Wanna talk about it?” Wild asked, tilting his head to the side. Legend gave a dismissive wave. “Nah, just a stupid bad dream.” Legend said.

“Alright, but from now on: I’m your night-time buddy.” Legend tilted his head to the side as Wild stood up enthusiastically. “Can’t sleep? Come see me! Bad dream? Come see me! Wanna beat a bitch? Guess what?!? Come. See. Me.” Wild said the last few words sternly before laughing.

Legend chuckled too. “Thank Wild.” He nudged the boy’s shoulder as they both laughed.

They stared up at the sky in silence.

It was so peaceful that Wild hadn’t even noticed Legend passed out.

Once he did however, he let out a small chuckle before tucking the vet into bed. Wild looked outside before pulling out his slate.

“Three am.” He muttered before looking around the camp. “I could probably get a couple hours of sleep in before Twi wakes up.”

Yeah… he didn’t sleep.

The next night

The next night played out similarly, except Legend nor Wild could sleep.

So they opted to stay awake and walk around camp a little.

A week later

It had been a whole week since the last ‘sleeping-incident’ as Legend called it.

Tonight was another one.

“Wild.” Legend mumbled in his sleep. Said hero heard it and silently wondered what the other was dreaming about.

In Legend’s head, he was walking through a void.

Voices followed him.

The same from last time.

Except eight new voices had added themselves.

This was why Legend didn’t like getting attached.

He was always gonna leave everyone behind.

“Wild!” He called out to one of the voices.

“You left.” It whispered back. “So much for night-buddy, huh, Leg?” It whispered again.

Oh yeah!

Night-buddy!

How could he forget?

Legend shot up in bed and looked around.

Everyone was still here. Good.

He hadn’t abandoned them.

“Vet? You good?” Wild asked, causing Legend to basically jump out of his skin. 

“Y-yeah.” “Nightmare?” Legend shuddered. “Let’s just call them bad dreams.” He said flatly. Wild nodded and went over to Legend.

“You wanna talk about it yet?” Legend thought for a bit before answering with a soft nod. “Yeah.” He mumbled.

Wild grabbed his own blanket and wrapped it around the pair as Legend started to explain.

“So as everyone already knows, I have been on a… few adventures.” Legend said with a sigh. “Yeah, more than any of us.” Wild chuckled. Legend moved a little closer to the hero as he nodded. It was cold and the closer they were, the more blanket he could use.

“Basically, I left behind a lot of people.” He said, looking down. “I can only imagine how you feel.” Wild said, wrapping an arm around Legend. “I didn’t go on as many adventures as you so I doubt I left behind as many people that I cared about.” Legend could see the other hero’s eyes grow distant.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t be venting.” Legend said, making a move to get away. He felt…

Guilty…

He just vented to someone that felt like they let down a whole kingdom.

“No, it’s okay. I was trying to empathise with you and ended up getting lost in thought.” Wild chuckled as he ruffled Legend’s hair. “If you don’t want to talk though, I wont force you.” He said, moving to stand up but was stopped by Legend.

“I just felt guilty for making you think back.” He said, ducking his head.

Wild laughed quietly.

“Who gives a fuck about how it makes me feel? I sure don’t! This is Legend vent time! Not depressed Wild time!” The blue-clad hero laughed as he spoke. “If you want to vent,” he sat down again, “then by all means: vent!”

Legend nodded and wrapped the blanket around the pair, adding his too just in case one of them stole all the blanket from the other.

“Well, on my adventures, I saved the captured princess and travelled to a dark world, I ventured to the distant lands of Holodrum and Labryna to save the oracles, gaining the ability to control seasons and ages, I went into a dream world on the way back from one of them - I can’t quite remember which it was - and I fell in love with an amazing girl…” Legend looked down.

“What was she like?” Wild asked.

“She could sing like a goddess, looked as beautiful as one too, always managed to make me smile, she did.” Legend was beginning to sound like the Old man. He smiled fondly at the memory of Marin.

“Then I went to a whole other world. That’s when I met Ravio. Surprised he managed to leave after Hilda sent my Zelda and I back. The gateways were meant to close…” Legend trailed off once more.

“You feel like you left all those places behind, don’t you?” Wild asked. The red-clad boy nodded. “Mainly Koholint - the dream world.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Okay.”

The boys conversed late into the night, even laughing about how places in Wild’s Hyrule were named after places and people Legend knew. Wild theorised that the wind fish told others about his dream and they decided to name places after it to commemorate a world a hero left behind.

It was gonna be another sleepless night.

END

----------------------------------------

Wow I had a lot of fun writing this.

It was a very interesting thing to write about lol.

LEAVE REQUESTS BELOW!

REQUESTS MUST INCLUDE: PAIRING TYPE/GENRE/CATEGORY (fluff, angst, etc) PLATONIC OR NOT

I WILL WRITE ONLY ABOUT THE LINKS (including the ravio, shadow, the zeldas, and requested characters. Will not write about whole other fandoms though)

I CAN DO READER INSERTS IF REQUESTED (no oc’s tho)

CAN DO AN AU IF REQUESTED

[irwinkitten]

got lucky | c.h

requested by anon: ok so for the bi!reader concept: last year i ended my relationship w this girl the main reason was because she was really insecure and jealous especially about me being bisexual like anytime i would talk to a guy she would just get so upset about it and she would make such gross biphobic comments and at the time i had so much internalised biphobia that i tried to convince myself i was gay n stayed in the relationship longer than i should have because i rly liked her i guess lol anyways (1/4) we ended and a while afterwards i started seeing this guy who i’d known of for ages (friends of friends type situation) but we just never really talked before or hung out but from the first date we clicked and the sex was crazy good like the type of sex were ur ditching ur vibrators cuz he’s that good lmao so one weekend we went to this party together and of course she is also there, i was so surprised and i could see her eyeing us the whole night, so when she came over i was anxious af (2/4) and this guy knew i was bi! it was no secret, i worked really hard to accept myself! so she comes over and she deadass goes “are you straight now? i knew you would end up with a man!” and she’s all smug but also hurt and im standing there like what the fuck and THEN this dumb man goes “ha guess the sex is so good i made her straight again” and i’m literally about to cry over how gross the whole interaction is and im so shocked i can’t even defend myself, i dumped him that night obviously (3/) last messgae: so basically can you pls do a redo of the gross situation where instead of being with that dumb guy its with calum and he is so protective n sweet n NORMAL n encourages u to stand up for urself about bisexuality / your sexuality, because what happened to me happens too often and its disgusting and gross and no one deserves that!! only if u feel comfortable/inspired tho, no pressure!! love u laura, thank u for creating such a safe space for all the queer babies it means a lot ��� notes: i kinda enjoyed writing this one esp for my sweet anon baby. i love u and i hope this is everything you wanted ♥  warnings: biphobia, implications of emotional abuse

word count: 3.2k

donate to my ko-fi here

-

“Hey what’cha doing sweets?” Calum’s voice pulled you from your musings, your hand idly tracing patterns against the paper but the pen remaining on the desk. You wrenched your thoughts from the spiral you seemed to have fallen down, a smile crossing your lips as you felt your heart flutter at the sight of him.

“Nothin’. Just thinking.” You finally replied as he pulled up one of the spare chairs next to you, the bustling activity of the coffee shop falling into your background noise as his thigh pressed against yours.

“Really? Normally you doodle when you’re just thinking.” He countered with ease and your eyes dropped to the paper, noticing that the pen remained where you’d placed it when you first sat down. Subconsciously you must’ve realised that the route your thoughts had gone were not suitable to put down on paper, your fingers picking up the pen and mind falling blank immediately.

“Oh.” You breathed before placing the pen back down and packing away the pad and pen.

“What’s running through your head, doll?” Calum’s voice was quiet and concerned, you shrugged.

“Just, a lot on my mind is all. You’re not my keeper just because we’ve slept together.” You admitted quietly and he frowned before picking up his bag and for a sinking second you thought he was going to walk off, but instead, he took your bag from your hands and slung it over his shoulder. 

He looked back at you expectantly and you sighed before standing up, leaving the coffee shop with him, your eyes on the floor as you fell into step next to him.

“Your place or mine?”

“E’s gonna be home and I don’t want to hear them rant about me bringing people back.” You muttered and Calum nodded. 

“I think Ash is out. He’ll probably head out to Luke’s if I show up with you.” At his smirk, you rolled your eyes fondly before shoving him towards the bus stop. His indignant “hey!” was only ignored as you two waited for the bus, his arm slung over your shoulders.

Selfishly, you leaned into his touch, trying to ignore the fact that your stomach was doing flips at his touch alone. 

The bus journey was a quiet ten minutes, but Calum seemed to understand that you weren’t willing to talk with so many people around, so he was content to just keep you close, and you were unwilling to pull away until his stop came up.

When you reached his shared house with Ashton, you noted that the car was gone from the driveway and Calum smirked.

“Looks like he’s out. C’mon.” His hand tucked around yours and pulled you inside. And for a second you wondered if you could distract him with sex, but then the guilt appeared and you could feel the tears of frustration appear as your thoughts swirled and you felt dizzy.

Calum had stepped ahead, turning to see you stood leaning against the closed door, head in your hands and he knew something was wrong. Stepping back to you, he dropped your bags and took your hand in his, pulling you upstairs to his room and your stomach twisted uncomfortably.

“Cal I-”

“I’m not suggesting that.” He muttered. You fell silent at that and as he pulled you into his room, you felt unsure, but he gave you no chance to really deny him as he crawled into bed before opening his arms out to you.

“Cal.”

“I know you. You don’t do emotional stuff well but I’m here for a cuddle and an ear if you need it.” You fell into the embrace easily, your head resting on his chest as his arms wrapped around your shoulders, his lips finding your temple as you finally felt something in you snap, the surge of emotions overwhelming and frighteningly vivid. 

“I keep telling myself that I never was a lesbian, that I still found men attractive but Poppy made me feel like having that attraction was stupid since I was dating her and that I was a lesbian and it’s so fucking confusing because I like you, but I can hear her voice screeching that I’m not right, that I’m a lesbian or faking it or a freak.” And for the first time since you left Poppy, you cried.

Calum had been waiting for this. When the split had happened, you’d been ready for it, you’d already left her mentally, but this was what he knew you needed. He knew that the relationship with her had been toxic, but you’d never revealed the extent of her behaviour. 

His heart broke.

“Just because you like both men and women does not mean you should feel so guilty over your sexuality. There’s a B in LGBT for a reason, doll. That’s you. You’re bisexual and you should be proud of that, not ashamed because some bitch with a control issue couldn’t handle the fact that you liked more than women.” 

You found yourself gripping his shirt with your fists as you pressed your face into his chest, trying to stem the tears that seemed relentless. But Calum held his silence whilst you got it out of your system, knowing that you needed to get this off your chest. 

“I’m sorry.” You finally got out, but he simply shushed you. 

“She was a shitty person with an attitude to show. You shouldn’t apologise for the bitch.” His words were simple but it gave you a breath of ease, pulling away as hands rubbed your shoulders gently. 

He was definitely too good to you, but he was there for you regardless and you were certain that you loved him for that.

“There’s gonna be a party on the other side of town in a couple of weeks. Ash took over the old Firefly down on Hartley. He’s revamping before opening the bar to the public. You fancy going?” And you smiled at the gentle distraction he was offering. 

“We get at least a free drink if we show up, right?” And Calum laughed as he kissed your temple. 

“He wouldn’t say no to me. Or you. In fact, I’m almost certain he’s expecting me to do full introductions on that night since Luke and Mike will be there with the others and their girls.” You rolled your eyes. 

“It’s not like I went to school with Luke or anything.” Came your sarcastic retort and Calum laughed as the two of you settled for the evening. 

“Pretty sure Luke last saw you when you started dating Poppy. He’s put two and two together but he won’t say anything unless you mention it. Even then he knows it’s not his place.” Your heart seemed to swell another size in affection for Luke. 

“You’re making it difficult for me to not fall in love with you Cal. Good dick, you know how to use those lips and fingers of yours, you make me feel like I belong and you respect boundaries without me having to ask.” You finally muttered and Calum gave you an almost wistful smile. 

“You may have been with Poppy but that didn’t stop me from being friends with you. You’re someone I’ve genuinely cared about from day one. Not gonna chuck that away because of who you are. Plus growing up with my mom and sister almost made certain I’d be in touch with my feminine side.” He teased but the sincerity and understanding in his tone eased your shoulders. 

Your features softened at the admittance and you pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Then I definitely got lucky to have you in my life at least, falling in love or not.”

—

When the day of the party rolled around, you felt sick with nerves and you couldn’t understand why. 

When Calum rolled up to pick you up—he was driving to Luke’s who lived closest to the bar and you’d both get a ride back to yours before he picked up his car the following morning—he could see the nerves and the grimace on his face spoke volumes. 

“What?” You all but demanded when you were debating outfits. He’d been sitting on the bed watching, but got up and held his hands out to you. 

You took them hesitantly. His thumbs almost immediately started to soothe across the back of your hands to help relax you. 

“Word has gotten around that Poppy is planning to show up. We haven’t exactly been quiet about our relationship, but I didn’t think she’d pull something like this.” And your stomach churned uncomfortably. 

“We’re still going. Ashton promised free drinks and we’ll be in the VIP area right?” You checked and Calum nodded.

“Ashton has already told the bouncers that she’s not allowed near the VIP section. They’re checking and rechecking the lists to make sure she isn’t on one of them.” He explained and you let out a breath of air. 

“Okay. It’ll be fine. It’s being handled and I’ve got you. Now which outfit do you think I should wear?” He studied your face for a second before a smile broke across his lips. 

“The dark purple with the deep plunge. Is it wrong of me to flaunt in her face what she lost?” And you laughed as you kissed him. 

“I mean, yes. But I also know that you want to show me off properly now that we’ve got things really settled.” You murmured and he grinned back unabashedly. 

It was still an uphill battle, but he’d given you a lot to think about. And after gentle convincing, you’d found an LGBT friendly therapist who helped you process your thoughts. It helped you come to terms with accepting the toxic relationship that you’d been in but also it highlighted how beneficial Calum had been as a friend and confidant. 

It also gave you the courage to ask Calum out officially, wanting to be with him entirely and not just in the evenings. 

He took that in his stride and things shifted once more between the two of you. When you opened up to him about some of your sessions, you knew that your trust had been well placed because he never indicated anything to his friends and so you were never subjected to pitying stares or glares. 

You were almost sure that you’d fall in love with him faster than you fell for Poppy. 

The drive to Luke’s was filled with your nerves. You hadn’t seen Luke in years and you were also meeting his two other friends, Ashton and Michael as well as their partners. 

“Ashton’s excited to finally meet you and stop telling me to be careful when I go to yours.” 

Despite Calum living with Ashton, your schedules never seemed to match and more often than not, Calum could be found at your place, a small sanctuary from your hectic lives. 

Ashton never begrudged that time you shared together, but Calum had mentioned a few times about how snappy he was being on the subject. 

“He’ll chill when he realises I’m not out to break your heart or steal something.” You muttered with a chuckle. Calum snorted in return as he pulled into Luke’s driveway. 

Your nerves return full force as he pulls you to the front door and steps in like he lives there. 

“Hey fuckers, anyone about?” He called through and was met with calls of confirmation, another yell following that they were in the dining room. Your fingers squeezed Calum’s tightly and he didn’t hesitate to return it, his thumb soothing across the skin on the back of your hand.

“Look who it is!” A voice crowed loudly as he stepped into the dining room, followed by loud calls of greetings. 

There was a flurry of introductions and you felt like the spotlight was being shone on you, under scrutiny from his best friends gazes once they had greeted their friend and Calum had introduced you. Or re-introduced you in Luke’s case.

“Well c’mon, the last time I saw you we were leaving school. What’s been happening to you?” Luke finally asked, indicating to the seat next to him. A small smile graced your lips as you sat down, Calum falling into the seat next to you as you shrugged. 

“Life I guess? It’s been definitely more interesting with the different jobs and moving about. Building up a social life again.” Luke’s face filled with a frown at that. 

Michael came in next. 

“Building up a social life? Did you not have one?” His words held an innocent curiosity, yet you felt yourself hesitate. 

“My ex was controlling to the point that I couldn’t do anything without their permission. They managed to make me believe that no one really wanted me around and I lost touch with old friends, like Luke.” You glanced to the side and he was frowning. 

The others held varying degrees of stunned shock or disapproval. 

“Well then he was a cunt.” Michael muttered and your eyes refused to meet theirs at the assumptions. Luke stayed quiet but his hand rested on your knee, squeezing it. You shot him a gentle smile in return.

“Well it’ll be good to have you back in our lives. Especially with these two knuckleheads.” He nodded at Ashton and Michael who immediately protested and you laughed. 

It felt like you’d known them for years as you all had a few shots. Ashton, despite being the owner of the bar, wasn’t worried about turning up with his friends. He’d already explained to his staff that he’d be around for the rest of the night once he arrived and he’d told the small groups he’d be here and there. 

After a handful of shots, the group of you made your way to the bar, your arm linked with Calum’s. There were separate conversations happening between you all, their girlfriends including you on their pamper night whilst the boys discussed a possible games night for all of you. 

When you arrived at the club, you saw the queue of people waiting to get in and the subsequent groans from the line as the bouncer let you in, no questions asked. 

Ashton guided the group of you to the VIP section and the music was still loud but you could still hear each other talking. You were chatting away with Luke’s girlfriend, arm still linked with Calum’s as Ashton disappeared to get drinks. 

Calum pulled your attention away briefly, his lips by your ear. 

“I’ve spotted her. She’s not seen us yet so don’t worry.” You barely nodded, acknowledging his words as you listened in, fighting to keep your nerves down. 

The night continued and you were all a few drinks deep. Calum’s arm had barely left your waist all night as you talked and danced and drank. You’d been welcomed into his group of friends with an ease you never realised existed. 

You’d deliberately not tried to seek out Poppy, silently praying that the universe would comply. But as the group of you stood out in the smokers area, huddled together under a heating lamp, your stomach sank as she stepped out, her eyes narrowing on you. 

“Fuckin’ knew it!” You could feel the alarm in your face as you stepped back into Calum, his arm going around you protectively. 

“Poppy, you’re drunk.” You felt curious gazes from your new friends, but you didn’t spare them a glance.

“You break up with me and go running to his arms, I knew you weren’t a fuckin lesbian. Pretending to try it out? Just another straight girl seeking attention. Fucking freak.” She snapped and your stomach sank. 

“Get it through your thick head that she’s bisexual.” Calum snapped in your defence, earning a glare from Poppy. But Calum didn’t shrink from the glare, your glance to his face confirmed he was giving her his own. You were mildly impressed that she didn’t back down instantly. 

“She’s a fuckin liar! Years of my life wasted on this bitch.” She spat at your feet and you took in a deep breath. 

“You don’t get to control me anymore, Poppy. I’ve liked both men and women, but you never liked that because it meant that I had more chances of leaving you. And I wished I’d have left you sooner. Calum certainly thought so.” 

“Of course you fucked the first man to pay you any attention.” Your heart sank once more at her declaration and you felt your mind fall into the old trap that you’d fought with for so long. 

“No she never. In fact she slept with a few girls long before she slept with me. But I was her best friend as she tried to deal with the mess you created in her mind.” Calum snapped back. You felt your heart swell for him. 

Poppy stepped forward, her hand raised but then Ashton stepped in front of you. 

“Get out. You’re no longer welcome in this bar.” He made a gesture and security slowly made their way over. 

“She shouldn’t be fucking welcome!” Poppy yelled back, but Ashton held firm. 

“She is my friend. You are not. Get. Out.” When the bouncer rested a hand on her arm, she shrugged it off and stormed away. Your entire body was trembling.

“So that was the ex, huh?” Michael commented and you could feel your hands trembling as you nodded. “Why didn’t you correct me?” Calum spoke up for you as his hands took yours. 

“It’s been a battle for her. Poppy had convinced her she was a lesbian, that she was wrong for having any attraction to men. In Poppy’s world, either your gay, lesbian or straight. Being bisexual isn’t acceptable in her eyes.” Calum’s arms wrapped around you and you stood there, holding onto him for dear life. 

“Well that makes two of us then.” Michael’s casual comment had your knees go weak and you let out a weak laugh. 

“Thank you Ash.” You finally murmured when you pulled away from Calum. Ashton didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around you in a warm hug that was both comforting and reassuring. 

“Hey, you’ve been the best thing for my best mate. And you were friends with Luke once before. I’ve definitely got your back. And I get why you didn’t say anything and don’t hold that against you.” He muttered and you breathed a sigh of relief before returning to Calum’s embrace. 

“More drinks or are we gonna go back to Luke’s?” And you shook your head. 

“Let’s stay. I’m not gonna let her ruin it,” you leaned forwards so your lips were by his ear as the others went inside, “also I want to see if we can christen the bar in one of the toilets.” You breathed. Calum groaned as his grip around you got tighter and he pulled you in for a kiss that promised more. 

“Oh you’re so fucked sweetheart. Especially since I know where the individual lips are and they aren’t attended by anyone.” You held back a moan at that thought before pulling away, your hand in his. 

“Dance first?” And the innocence in your tone made him laugh as he followed behind you willingly. 

“Menace.” The term was laced with affection as he caught up to you, kissing the spot just below your ear. 

You simply grinned in return as you pulled him onto the dance floor, Poppy long forgotten as he danced with you. 

-

@sexgodashton, @goth5sos, @calumsmermaid, @empathycth, @wildflowergrae, @calpops, @rosecolouredash, @cal-puddies, @clockwork124, @loveroflrh, @stellar5sosrecs, @ashtoniwir, @cthla, @liketheydidwithyou, @sc0ttish-wildfl0wer​, @bluehairedtracii, @drummerboy794, @feliznavidaddycal, @i-calumhood, @wokeupinjapanisabop, @converse-luke, @madbomb, @ccnicole02, @youngblood199456, @aulxna, @megz1985, @lukesidentitycrisis, @snapback-irwie, @neonweeknds, @666yourwitchyfriend666, @gamerboymike, @cashtonasfuck, @ashtaway, @conquerwhatliesahead92, @itjustkindahappenedreally, @twoamhood, @kchillout, @damselindistressanu, @colormekaykay, @findingliam-o, @sublimehood, @sugarcoated-pain, @singt0mecalum, @singledadharrington​, @calumspeachy​, @colourfulcalum​, @lostincalum​, @burncrashbromance​, @asht0ns-world​, @a-mnd, @flusteredcliffo​, @loti18​, @ixcantxdecidexwhosxmyxfave​, @clumclum-hood​, @fangirl-everythang​, @lashtondaddies​, @calumssunshine​, @ambskiwi​, @abundant-stars​, @caltattoohood, @seedless-vascular, @myescapefromthislife​, @lmao5sosimagines​, @beyoncesdragon​, @jae-writes-fanfiction​, @cxddlyash​, @tresfandom​, @utterly-u-n-p-e-r-f-e-c-t​, @niallisworld​, @lietomevalntyn​, @babylon-corgis​, @monochrome44​, @behind-my-hazeleyes27​, @ghost0fy0u​, @lyllibug​, @bloodmoonashton​, @balsamic-cal, @calumsbaldhead​, @washedout-ky, @calumssunshinee​, @ghostofmashton​, @summerellaz​, @a-little-less-sixteen​, @cashworthy​, @smokeinherlungs​, @longlastingdaydream​, @h0tsos​, @sweetcherrymike​, @5sosnsfw​, @sugar-nico​, @sunnysideblog, @angel-cal​, @samros95​, @maluminspace​, @lukeinblue​, @cakesunflower​, @allamerican-betch​,  @britnicole11​, @gigglyirwin​, @everyscarisahealingplace, @loverofcashton​, @iovehemmings​, @g-l-pierce​, @jannimoeller3​, @wildmichaelflower​, @lukeskisses​, @5sossstan​, @youngbloodchild​, @alloutofcashton​, @tobefalling​, @abb-lan-5sos​, @calumsbub​, @flameraine​, @here-for-the-uproars​, @mateisit-balsamic​, @ilovelukey​, @sarahshepherdblog​

[jidai]

jidai’s budget mutuals/friends appreciation

Hi, all! I’m quite late with this but I decided to put a small friends and mutual appreciations post in hopes of brightening up the end of this year a little bit. ❤️ If you were tagged, please make sure to check below for a small little message from me. However, I want to make it very clear that I truly appreciate all of my mutuals. You guys brighten up my dash and always reblog or create so many funny and creative posts. I just wanted to give a few special shout outs to those that have taken out the time to reach out and interacted with me past my ask box or we just see each other often.

The messages are ordered by your URL, so you might have to scroll for awhile before you see your messages. I’m so sorry lmao. 

Happy New Years, everyone!

@25th​​, Nonnie, the Young Genius. bro, remind me how old you are 🧍‍♀️ Like my brain CANNOT fathom the thought that you’re so skilled at SO many things and you’re not even in your twenties??? PLEASE SPARE THE TALENT. i will even accept crumbs. But I’m writing to tell you that you are such a wonderful presence on my dash. I always look forward to your gfx. They’re so SO good and you’re improving from one post to another. Like WOW. Now, you’re even starting an art blog, too? You’re so dedicated to the arts. I respect that a lot. Your hard work and commitment will bring you very far in life, whatever you decide to do. 

I love interacting with you. You’re such a big sweetheart and full of positivity and energy. I look forward to seeing more of your art and gfx ❤️

@biscuitwalk​, Dann, the AK Wiz. Dann, I know you’re not as active on here so idk when or if you will ever read this but I want to say that I miss you and your creations so, so much. I will say it a hundred times over and OVER but you inspire me so goddamn much. You have no fucking idea. Your works are absolutely gorgeous and unique. I can look at it once and I can instantly recognize your style (and your cute lil’ pufferfish <3). The way you utilize colors and implement various techniques, shapes, textures into your work. Goddamn, you’re so good. I always look to your work if I ever need inspiration and they help me brainstorm. God, I wish I could put it into words how much I adore your works.

We didn’t really talk for long but you seemed like such a kind and fun person to be around. I wish you the best in your future endeavors, wherever you are. Stay safe <3

@elriccs, Mirai, the Short King. 🧍‍♀️ ok look I know, I know I’m TERRIBLE at replying to you and I’m so fucking sorry. I absolutely love to talk to you but my dumbass cannot seem to reply in a timely manner LASELKSAL. That’s on me and I gotta do better. Anyways!!! Thank you SO fucking much for always leaving such kind messages on my work. I swear to god you’re one of my biggest hype man and I ALWAYS look forward to reading your tags. They’re so funny and it makes me all tingly and happy inside. Bro, like, you just radiate big fun vibes, bro. I really hope that I can get to know you better so I can just insult you until it’s too late to walk away </3

And of course, let me also remind you that I love your works so much. They way that you utilize your textures and those muted colors... OOMPH *chefs kiss* I will always love--

@lockhvrts​​, Em the Soulsborne GOD. hi em 🥺 it’s been awhile since I’ve had a proper conversation with you and I hope you’re doing okay! I miss you and our conversations where we do nothing but geek out and complain about the game industry lmao. if you manage to read this, I just wanted to let you know I miss your presence here. It’s been kinda dull not seeing your beautiful soulsborne gifs and your game rants. Let’s catch up soon. <3 stay safe and well!

@nathanprescutt, Benn, the Man. BENNNNNNNN.  I love you a lot bro. I know we haven’t had long conversations for some time and I hope I can change that! You were my first friend on this blog and I will always appreciate it. I remember us just geeking out over your works and how I would always send you a gfx request like once a week LMAO. The one thing that I have always appreciated about you was the fact that you’re very opinionated (if not, very vocal on your stance on things) and you hold your ground. There were a few time where you encouraged me to speak on topics that I think I shouldn’t and that stuck with me for quite awhile. I’m still a nervous rambling mess when it comes to debates but just know that the one time you supported me to voice my opinion--I hold it very dear to my heart. 

While I don’t spend much time together, I will always remember our animal crossing session. It was  so much fun just trashing and chilling on your island. Especially the bar :( that bar was fucking AMAZING. Maybe once FFXVI comes out, we can geek out hehe

Also, thank you so much for sending in photos of all your doggos, omg. I miss seeing them so much I hope they’re doing well. Stay hot, my German bro lol. Ich bin sehr dankbar, so eine tolle Freundin zu haben. ❤️❤️❤️

@noxdivina​, Lin the Big Dick Daddy Kind. The church is open for business bitch and I’m here to preach the GOSPEL.

Okay, jokes aside, I’m really happy that we became mutuals. You’ve always give off this like, mysterious cosmic vibe (????? huh). And your selfies just further proves that you are wtf. But you’re always so kind to those that you interact with. You’re an absolutely sweetheart and like I just want to give you a giant hug every time we interact. You’re such a soft human being. It’s so nice being around you. It’s like being tossed in the oven and baked at 250 degrees F for 25 minutes. And to boot you’re really talented, hello? God really said let there be a perfect human being and yeeted you into the universe. Thank you for always leaving such kind messages and words in my DM/askbox/works. I cherish them so much. I hope I can get to know you better in the future bc you’re rad, bro <3

anyways, updated drawing of u and maya:

i always assume you’re in a black fur parka 24/7 and maya is coatless neck down. also deck me with those jacked arms of yours thanks  🧍‍♀️

(edit: fuck i forgot to draw a PARTY HAT ON MAYA IM SORRY)

@rokuseis​, Sei, the Dumber.

i have nothing to say to you go away you banana hater ASELKSAEKL

BITCH, you doo bee getting on my nerve 24/7/365 🧍‍♀️ you were an unexpected but a very welcomed addition to my life. I can’t believe we really went 1 fuckin’ year without speaking to each other and then suddenly our friendship blew up because over a stupid BANANA. Now you gotta deal with me and my stupid, random, crude ass messages daily. I cannot. Clown to clown communication. But thank you so much bitch for being there for me and telling all of these funny ass stories and life experiences.

I know I don’t say it a lot because when we talk it’s literally just dogs barking at each other but I want to make it clear now: I love your humor and vibe so much. You never fail to make me laugh anytime I talk to you and I appreciate it so much. I can’t tell you how many times I felt better after talking to you. Even though sometimes your fucking jab hits hard and I end up actually inSULTED BY IT. But thank you for becoming my friend and I look forward to all of our stupid moments together. Looking forward to shitting in your sink when I finally fly to your home <3

@wolfamongthem, Anna, the Grinch. Please don’t hurt me for that title. I'm just saying if someone needs a live casting, it’ll be u. Anyways, did you know that I was so fucking intimidated by you for a long ass time, even before we became mutuals aseljas LMAO. I always see your gifs around on explore and they’re so gorgeous and then I look at your text posts and it’s u roasting people like there’s no tomorrow- 🧍‍♀️ bitch I was SCARED OF U KSKS. Now that I’ve talked to you a few times, you’re really funny like where do you find those reaction memes????? Like bro you and your shitposts is my morning cup of coffee. 

Anyways, in 2021 I expect a full-fledge review of all AAA games from you-- no more shit talking in the tags let it all out BITCH. Thank you for being such a great mutual! I look forward to see what weird shit you will send me the next time we talk lmao

@zenien​​, Selm, the I’m-gay-for-Lady-Maria-or-anything-that-moves-in-BB-Bitch™. ok bitch if I’m being honest I wrote yours last so my brain is FRIED. so everything i say from here is raw from the HEARt cause that’s all I got left. But anyhow, we savin’ the best for last! honestly, i didn’t expect you to barge into my life like that. i really didn’t. i was just gonna keep admiring with my 7 feet (2.1336 meters) pole. I’m glad you made the first move because look where we are wtf 🧍‍♀️ friends??? I wouldn’t believe you if you told me that in 2014 when I first followed you lmao. 

You’re such a kind soul. I know you may disagree but I’m determined to convince you. I can’t tell you how much I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me during my rough bits. It’s like sitting on a wooden bench in a park during sunset and you sit next to me, just enjoying the vast sky. You radiate such peaceful energy. It’s very calming. Or you know, 2 seconds later i’m suddenly suplexed by your 40 tons of insults like what-- 

Thank you for everything, so far. Truly. It’s been so fun listening to you talk about your Bloodborne journey and see your reactions live. It’s been so fun to see you post your graphics and it continues to blow me away. It’s been so fun hearing about your life and the stories of your adulthood. Every words that we have exchanged, I hold dearly to my heart--more than you ever know. Love u bitch.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #429

“i’m just a bad luck charm to blame when things go wrong”

Are all-nighters something you have grown used to? God no. I have those SO rarely. I don't know how I used to do it. Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? I don't have sunglasses, and my driving permit has long since expired. Is there ever a time that you enjoy cold showers? COLD, no. A tad chilly, very rarely. I have to be burning the hell up. What clothes are you most comfortable in? Men's pj pants and tank tops. Is there anybody you’re not ashamed to tell anything to? No, not anything. Have you ever unbuttoned someone else's pants? Yes. Are you good at painting nails? Nooooo. My hands are way too shaky. If it’s late at night and you’re hungry, what do you reach for? Usually a granola bar or piece of bread, lol. What word should you really probably remove from your vocabulary? I don't know. I don't really use any words I find wrong/offensive. Will you eat something if it falls on the ground? NOOOOOOOO SIR. Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? God no. I'm not a vegetable fan. Do you see the value in education? Of course I do. Are you more physically flexible or situationally flexible? bitch neither lmao Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? I don't have one now, but my mom knows of some things from the past. Do you make an effort to eat healthy? Yeah. I could try harder, but I do try. Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/boyfriend? Pretty much. I wasn't an official resident, but I was essentially always there and just counted as a guest, I guess. Would you ever be a stripper? No way in hell. Can you honestly say that you love yourself? No. Do you think that you’ve ever actually been IN love with someone? I don't just "think" it, I know very goddamn well that I was. Have you ever done a psychedelic drug? If not, would you ever consider it? No and no. Did you ever see the movie Good Burger when it came out? Not when it came out, but I've seen it and love it. How often do you clear your browser history? Never. Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? Yeah man, gourmet shit. Do you consider yourself a burden to anyone? Why do you feel this way? I absolutely do. I'm just a leech at home. A financial burden to my parents since I'm unemployed. I have a lot wrong with me that my mom has to deal with. Who was the last person to carry you? Why were they carrying you? Probably Jason, realistically. I'm probably too heavy for anyone in my life to carry me now, and there hasn't ever really been a reason to besides him just being cute many years ago. Are you a clingy kind of person? If so, how has this affected your past relationships? I know I am. I'm lucky that I don't think it really affected any. I'm not OBSESSIVELY clingy at least, just moderately so. Have you ever witnessed someone drowning? Did you help in any way? Jesus, no. Have you ever felt like you just weren’t enough for someone? Who in your life has made you feel that way? I absolutely have. No one like... intentionally made me feel like that, I just felt it due to my own self-doubt. The times I've felt that that I remember have been in my only two serious relationships, but not endlessly. I'd just do something stupid and feel like it for a while. Have you ever been at a party where the cops came due to complaints?No. What were you doing the last time you spent a night away from home (or wherever you regularly reside)? I was having a sleep study to determine whether or not I had sleep apnea. Where do you like to sit when you’re on the computer? In my bed. Do you feel as though you’re good at understanding/communicating with animals? Absolutely. Are photographs important to you? Do you like to take a lot of pictures? Not incredibly important, because nothing is quite like actually experiencing that moment, but I definitely like to have some of major events. I honestly don't take a lot of pictures documenting my own life, but rather like nature and stuff. And when people pay me to take family/couple/child photos for them. Would you rather hike through the desert, the prairies, the forest, or the tundra? The forest, for sure. So long as I had my camera. If you could reconnect with someone from your past, who would it be and why? Guess. -_- What was the last game you played? Was anyone else playing with you? Do you prefer to play games alone or with others? World of Warcraft. And well, it's an MMO, so you're playing with what, thousands of other people? I mostly do solo content though, but I do usually chat with guildies when I'm on because I'm close and comfortable with them. What is the longest distance you’ve walked in a day? Idk, but definitely far. Do you prefer homemade food or restaurant food? Restaurant, sadly. What was the last new food you tried? Ummm... I want to say sweet potatoes, back at Thanksgiving. I didn't hate them, but they were okay. What is your most recent regret? I dunno, probably something really minor like eating/drinking something unhealthy. What was the last unexpected thing to happen to you? How did you react? I guess that would be the sleep apnea diagnosis. At least, that was the last big one. I can't think of anything in-between. I was very shocked, even doubtful that the results were reliable. But given how my APAP mask has almost completely solved my nightmare issue, I think it's safe to say it's correct. Name your three closest friends. Sara, Girt, and uhhh... Sam. Do you get excited or annoyed when the phone rings? Annoyed, honestly, lol. Do you prefer writing poems or stories? I prefer writing RP, which is pretty much just gradually writing stories. What pisses you off more than anything? Probably rapists, specifically when children are the victims. It's just... so, so repulsive and unforgivable to me. Like I don't understand how a human being could possibly be so diabolical as to scar someone like that. What’s the appropriate age to have sex? I think you should be adults, honestly, given the risk of pregnancy. Not that I followed that, so I can't really talk, and I know most people don't either. When you're really in love with someone and have a sexual side, it's kinda... hard to avoid 'til you're 21. Is there anybody you’re really jealous of? It's so stupid, I'll probably always be so jealous of the girl Jason dated after me. Even though I know they're not even together anymore (well, last I heard a few years ago). Is pornography evil or are you neutral about it? Meh. I'm not into it, but I don't think it's necessarily evil. I personally don't get sex without emotional commitment, but you do you, so long as you are both consenting adults being safe about it. Do you prefer to be monogamous, or are you more a casual dater or swinger? I'm strictly monogamous. I'd be way too jealous to share a partner with someone, and then there's the heightened risk of STDs, too. Have you ever had a crush on more than one person at once? Do you now? Yes, but I don't now. Who is your favorite relative? Excluding my immediate family, Uncle Rob. He is so damn funny. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? I know I would, realistically. Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? No. What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? It SUCKED while actually doing it, but I'm very satisfied having done around 20 minutes of cardio today at the gym. Cardio is something I 110% need in my life. Have you had any beer this week? I've never had beer. I hate the smell of it, and it's associated with memories of my dad as an alcoholic anyway. Could you cry right now? Nah, I'm in a good mood. If you could see one person right now, who would it be? I'd honestly love to hang with Sara again. Do you wear contacts? No, but I wish I did versus glasses, contacts are just WAY too tedious. What color shirt are you wearing? It's a dark teal. Song playing right now? Ha, I am STILL obsessed with Powerwolf's (but with Alissa White-Gluz's vocals) "Demons Are a Girl's Best Friend." Do you wear the seat belt in the car? Absolutely always. Please, please, wear your seat belt. Has anyone ever mistaken you for someone else? Yes. There was a kid at dance who, from behind, thought I was his mother and he just ran up and hugged me from behind and I nearly had a heart attack. Do you like the color orange? Yeah; it reminds me of Halloween. Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else? Not really entirely someone else, but a much better version of myself. What is the weather like today? It's hot as shit and pretty hazy. Do you want any piercings? UGH like you have no idea. Have you given anything up for Lent? No. You do what you want, but I honestly think it's a dumb concept. Would you rather go to a rock concert or a rap concert? Rock, for certain. Have you ever dated someone that was a different race than you? Yeah; Juan was Hispanic. How old is your best friend? She's 23. What does your favorite necklace look like? It's a spiked choker with some dangling chains. It's fuckin' hot. Are you keeping a secret from anyone? I don't like the wording here. I don't have anything I'm hiding from someone in particular, and nothing they need to know at all. I just have a few inconsequential secrets I just don't share with anyone. Would you take a million dollars if it meant you had to die a month later? Uh, no thank you. Do you keep any type of diary or journal? You could say surveys are like snippets of a diary of sorts for me. I share a lot and use them to vent and just jabber on about my thoughts and feelings without exactly burdening anyone with them. What was the last thing that made you really happy? I'VE LOST A POUND SO FAR AT THE GYM!!!! :') It's been just one week, I know, big whoop, but it means A LOT to me. Prior to this, the numbers had just been gradually creeping up and up... but not anymore! :D Can you remember what you dreamed about last night? Very vaguely? Or maybe that was the night before's dream... Have you ever gotten kicked out of a class for being disruptive? Definitely not. I was a well-behaved, quiet student. Have you ever injected a drug? Noooo. Do you think the whole day is better if you smoke pot? I've never smoked. Last time you killed a bug? A while back when an ant walked over my laptop. Are you wearing perfume? What kind? No. The last male you spoke to… is he attractive? That would be my personal trainer, and yeah, he's very handsome.

[archiveofidentityconstellations]

cass won't share her cheese nibs and bruce doesn't love me and i think?? that i deserve better??? than this???? i'm moving to alaska where NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO

the sequel to that one trix yogurt fic

I feel like I should tell you that I am MASSIVELY fucked up right now 

 like i am such a garbage heap that oscar the grouch took a look at me and said 

 “fuckk off!! i have standards!” 

anyways

it’s Brimothy, bitch

what is UP mothertrucksrs it is Me i am back here to write a report on the UNBELIEVABLE SHIT I JUST HANDLED.

okay so u know how Gotham city is on crack cocaine all the time. with like some LSD and heroin and never ever any weed except for like who is that pig guy?? nevrm he doesn’t have weeeed but like he is definitely a Pig. what the fuck is his name. what the fuck.

 okay so anyways 

 is it Goyle

 Doyle

 Pigoyle 

 tin foil? lmao

OKAY FUCK anyways the City, who Also May Be My Lover, is in a constant life crisis (which i relate? a Lot) and do you want to know this s h i t

Crocodile

Killer Croc

who Steve Irwin would be v disappointed in

Is climbing

into people’s FUCKING TOILETS

???????????????

THIS ISN’T FLORIDA

THIS IS NEW JERSEY

WE WEAR SHOES IN THE WINTER

WHAT SORT OF FLIP-FLOP WEARING CUCKER DOES HE THINK HE IS

okay so obviously KC is a big guy. a Dude. a whack-o whaler of a Male. a Big Boh. the largest banananana in the pack. he is Big. so he cAn’t fit into most people’s toilets. he can, however, fit into Big People’s toilets (big as in wealthy, not As in Tom Hanks)

so KC (crispy,,,nuggest…i wonder if fried alligator is good—not that im thinking of eating him, though someone really should threaten him with cannibalism, like if you’re going to be a bitch about it then you deserve the same done to you, it’s just manners) is in cahoots and canoodles with Someone Who Shall Not Be Named (not bc i don’t know, I do, that’s how detectives work. it’s my JOB to know, and i was a prodigy) but bc there is a whole other report detailing this person and their movements and its case file #4461 if u don’t believe me, but i ain’t no snitch, but i will say that tonight’s events connect to file #4461 so Dad if you’re reading this you should already have it out bc it’s your JOB

speaking of jobs ding ding here is mine coming round the mountain as she comes bc the apple bottom jeans the boots with the fur will be coming round the mountain when she comes shE’ll be coming round the mountain she’ll be coming round the mountain she’ll b e coming round and getting low low low low low l ow low

It was a crisp October night. The sun was blinking its sleepy lids, setting the ballroom with an incandescent glow. Bruce Wayne strode across the floor, his daughter Cassandra accompanying him. They wore matching expressions that the privileged always wear: guarded, yet hungry. Hungry for what? Probably for the crab cakes just out of reach. Neither of them had an allergy, and Cassandra in particular had a propensity to shove anything edible in her mouth, so it really was a tragedy that those crab cakes were all the way across the room. There should really be a table right in the middle of the dance floor just for snacks. That way caterers wouldn’t have to do so much leg work, which is actually a good thing, because that ballroom floor is slippery af. This narrator should know, he has Died A Few Times getting there. Suddenly, the night’s festivities were interrupted by a social faux pas: a scream.

You don’t just scream at regular parties, it’s uncouth and hysterical. But you can scream if the social boundaries have already been crossed, and boy, were they crossed.

You see, Dear Reader, there was a man in the toilet.

I use the term “man” loosely, as his glaring yellow eyes do wonders when you might just crap your pantaloons. You start imagining things, like dinosaurs whcih i am personally a big fan of bc Jurassic Park has a kid named Tim in it and I am also Tim.

 hI y is our toilet so big that Killer Croc could wiggle his way up? also how long can he hold his breath. 

 it seems to be impressively long

 hey Bdad how long can he hold his breath? please let me know if you can, and if you won’t i will eat all your wafers becauzs i wa

Mrs. Trenton screamed and fled the impertinent bathroom guest, who wasted no time in ripping the commode to pieces. There was a roar and all the guests paused, unsure if it was merely pipe problems or if they were under attack.

Reader: They were, in fact, under attack. 

The guests, deciding that Mrs. Trenton was a social entrepreneur, followed her lead and began to scream. Killer Croc had made it to ballroom, standing at an impressive height just outside the doors.

He was Not wearing a shirt.

okay have u ever noticed that Killer Crog hasn’t got any nipples????? where are they? he’s got pecs but no nipples?? 

where did they go where are his nip nops i kno people don’t like to think about this but i hAve wondered since i was like 13 like where did they go. has anyone ever asked him. 

did they fall off

“Take the crab cakes!” shouted Matthew Fielder, a lil bitch.

“No, take me!” said Cassandra Wayne, who would literally rather die than give up those crab cakes.

Killer Croc paid them no heed. He desired one thing and one thing only, the sweet satisfaction for his carnal craving: Humain Flesh.

(alliteration hell yeah hell yeah take that Mrs. Johnson i do know shit and im creative as well u jusy don’t know how my brian works it’s like a golden goose egg trap ye ye ye)

 i just Realized 

 i am…a high school drop out

 i don’t know why im doing this

Dear Reader, as an Aside: Smoking can lead to many health issues, especially if one begins smoking at a young age. Harmful side effects include increased risk of stroke and brain damage; muscular degeneration, eye cataracts; cancer of lips, nose, tongue, and mouth, and nipple loss.

 Jason you may want to have a talk with you and your mipples

The terror in the air was stifling. Cannibalism conduct was not something conveyed in etiquette classes. Rich people never expect to be eaten.

Reader, everyone hardly breathed. Something deeply primal had occurred. 

From the doorway the golden eyes struck. Deadly. Lethal. Hungry. 

This was more than vengeance. It was a sadistic occasion of play.

  okay good thing Dames wasn’t there because he fucking HATES KC he gets all huffy and shrieky about him like “he’s a HYGIENE PROBLEM” and it’s like,,,,,.ur right but i don’t want to agree with you because where do we stand if i do that?? as brothers???

 i think the fuck not 

anyways i just realized i’ve been calling Waylon Jones KC the entire damn time (NEWSFLASH ASSHOLE) but to be fucking h, he wants to to be called that. i called him Allen once and he was so PISSED so i can only think of actually calling him by his name. he wouldn’t even be chill with me naming the sewer alligators even tho they were awesome names. i called one Dundee. that’s fucking genius. that’s just. i’m fucking amazing. stupenous. and unappreciated.

 maybe his nipples fell off because he swims in shit every night?????

 question: why do i swim in shit almost as often 

 what the dfck

 what are my life choices

 i feel like there should have been some fine print involved here 

 “Robin duties include scraping shit off your asschreks 3 times a week”

 mahbe,,,,maybe not what i want 

 personal choice

though i haven’t really seen any alligators in the sewers for years now, which is

oh my god OH MY GOD HE ATE THEM  HE ATE THEM OH MY GOD  OH MY GOD !!!!!!!!!!

HE FUCKING  HE FUCKING. HE. HE ATE HIMSELF  HE FUCNING ATE HIMAELF AND HIS FAMILY HIS COUSINS HIS CPOUSINS  HIS FAMILY OH MY GOD  THIS IS LIKE MY 8TH GRADE GRADUATION ALL OVER AGAIN

im so disturbed……..i like, need to eat something. Fucking hell. this Not what i had in mind when i decided to be alive.

i feel like as if i woke up one day and i was the only one in the entire world who remembered Caillou. also could pull off my face and eat it like taffy. imw so. i.

mom i know i refused to go to Shabbat when i was ten so i don’t get to say this but:

this is Not kosher 

oh heyy i want some pIckes

i was also thinking of takin a spin class?? like fuck it i like to bike. fuck it. and maybe iwdont want bruce and nigtwink fucking watxhing me with their beady eyes. like get those off my calves. my cleavage is up here, gentlemen. stop talking about proper form. some people can do things and suck at them. i’m never going to be like a professional ice curler. and i shouldn’t feel bad about that. who the fuck curls for fun. maybe Canada???????

note to self: look up the history of the sport of curling 

i’m going to get good at it to piss off Jason

Back On Topic:

Killer Croc took a step forward. His mouth trembled, watering in anticipation. He took another step.

Mrs. Trenton drew in a breath. 

The room was silent. 

Far across the room, Bruce Wayne clenched his champagne glass. Cassandra Wayne stopped chewing the crab cakes.  Reader, I won’t mince words: Waylon Jones crossed the threshold.

  and the instant he put his foot down on the ballroom floor he fucking slipped like a drunkass toddler

like when Damian is really really tired bc he’s like 2 years old (only an evil 2 years old like chucky) and Jason tries to give him a high five 

gremlin still doesn’t get that “down low” precedes “too slow” 

and he like. faceplants

onto the fucking concrete 

and then Bruce yells at Jason 

and then Jason yells back

“I NEVER ASKED FOR SIBLINGS”

like it was something we all did, like wrote it down on our batmas lists for Brucie Claus 

and im sitting there, a perennial Forgotten Middle Child

and Damian is like still. on the ground.

anyways KC is just slipping across the ballroom, slippering and sliding bc the floor was just waxed and it’s silent except for the wet slaps of his feet against the floor and the screech his tail makes every time he trips (sort of like this) and when he sometimes falls it makes that sound of when your thighs SLAP against the mats and it sounds like a wet walrus coming to cheer you on while a Giant simultaneously swallows a liquid-filled gummy worm down his throat like QAWAGGHHHHHHH only his falls reverberated against the ceiling panels and the cherubs looked down in like. disgust.

Cass began chewing the crab cakes again by the time Killer Croc fell for the twelfth time so idk it was an embarrassing situation

 we all did that Thing people do when a social barrier is breached 

 we like…..avoided each other’s eyes and made light conversation 

 meanwhile Killer Croc’s body screeched in the background

anyways Matthew Fielder was like “so I hear you dance ballet” and Cass responded “uh huh. tap too” and the chewed up crab cake crumbs fell out of her mouth and onto the floor

 i CAN’T

scrambled cock on a cracker, Cass why does Alfred let this happen????? what is this??????  like she can snort creme puffs like cocaine but GOD FORBID i put my elbows on the table and call damian “a poisonous little bitch” because he ate my croutons

 the standards in this family are unbelievable

So everyone is just talking and Mrs. Trenton is sipping champagne now and Luis Alvarez is doing that thing where he starts trying to eat caviar one teeny tiny egg at a time and KC is just like WHUMPH for the thirtieth time

finally dad takes pity on him and crouches down and is like “hey how you doing slugger” which???? Offended me. Very Much.

that’s MY nickname 

has Waylon No-Nipples Jones been adopted by Bruce Wayne??? has Waylon No-Nipples Jones retrieved HIS sorry ass from time?? i don’t fucking think so 

the audacity of this man

but before Killer Croc can reply

Red Hood

BURSTS INTO THE ROOM

guns out, voice modulator kind of fuzzy like a broke refrigerator that makes an “eeeeeeeeeee” sound ever since i tripped over it and fell on it

 which wASN’T MY FAULT 

 IM NOT “deformed baby zebra clumsy” FUCK YOU JASON 

 MAYBE HE SHOULDN’T KEEP HIS EXPENSIVE HELMET ON THE FLOOR THEN 

 you know what? I’m GLAD i tripped over it.

 yeah. suck it. 

 im glad you sound like a 90s japanese transistor radio 

 off brand too

 fuck you 

 I GOT A BRUISE NOT THAT ANYONE CARES 

 even Bruce was like “hey tim you need to watch where you’re going”

 ???

 how about YOU watch where YOU’RE GOING 

 “where” as in TIME TRAVEL 

 REMEMBER THAT BRUCE 

 REMEMBER THAT?!???????

 HUH BIG GUY?!???????!!???

 no one is allowed to criticize me from now on

 i am Above Reproach 

    anyways yeah Red Hood appears at the party and shoots KC and Bruce was like “why the FUCK would you SHOOT HIM” as if he has some misplaced paternal feeling for Waylon No-Nipples Jones because he called him slugger which is something he calls one of his other kids but whatever im not bitter im just insecure and sad all the time but don’t worry about it maybe i’ll die one day and you’ll all be sorry especially about Certain Things like not sharing cheese nibs huh Cassandra

so RH and Bruce Wayne kind of argue. like. literally sniping at each other bc SOMEBODY forgot that Red Hood is a criminal and not their misplaced son and RH is like “it’s!!!!! a tranquilizer!!!!! ya big hoe!!!!!” only he doesn’t really say it like that but everyone isn’t even listening at this point because this party has already been so goddamn weird and we’re all suffering from secondhand embarrassment

i am Assuming,,,,,that Killer Croc Jones “Jonsie No-Nipples” has been taken away to be put into jail and studied for his non-nipple properties but at this point i’ve been sitting here huffing that cold medicine or whatever Bruce gave me. which

 oh yeah i was crushed earlier 

 it was by “slugger” but whatever

 yeah his body broke mine 

 it was because Bruce and Jason were fighting again and not paying attention so 

 KC was tranquillized and like 

 fell on me 

 he drooled on me too 

 those ballroom floors really hurt 

 like my head feels like mush 

 Alfred’s oatmeal 

 on its second day 

 because i refused to eat it on the first day 

 that man has a spine of Steel and he Does Not Let You Waste Food 

 btw he fell on me because i pushed Luis Alvarez out of the way 

 he was really transfixed by those tiny fish eggs 

 it’s fun to put them on your tongue and let them like slide around 

 so i pushed him out of the way and was promptly crushed to death 

 B said something about a broken collarbone 

 i am more worried about a broken butt 

 fuck

 my coccyx

PROFESSOR PYM wait no shit that’s a comic book character

anyways my butt is broken and im hungry and dad wouldn’t let me get out of the chair so i write up this report because I am A Real Life Detective and I do my JOB

once again im the best

hey red jood can you get me some cheese nibs cassandrA won’t share which is p mean especially since i was all for being eaten to give her those crab cakes  red hoof red  why isn’t he responding to me i want xheese nibs red hanz  red  red  Red Hood please I require sustenance  red fhau red gjji red hhood ted joood redb hood red red edds red red edd dedd red red red red red wd red  what the fuck what a right bastard sometimes oh hi Badaman

EDIT: His name is “Pyg.”  Fucking. Pyg. Points taken off for unoriginality.

decided to have a tumblr version too ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[llamameangelazul]

1:33 A.M.

My emotions are catching up to me and i’m exploding in tears. I haven’t cried this much for a while now... it’s like everything decided to crash into me today. All the resentment, dissapointment, sadness, rage, happiness....  I want to freeze time,  want to go back in time and relive moments with the people I loved the most. I am filled with nostalgia. Is it real or are they memories I have created? Was it really any better before or I just like to remember it to be that way? There’s just so much that I cannot put into words. I have to have a purpose to still be here. I hope I do. Life is confusing, I am confused 24/7. I am constantly stressed and overwhelmed in this house. I cannot leave yet unfortunately... my siblings are leeches. They will be the end of my parents. My parent’s will most likely not see my children, if I ever decide to have a child.Or perahps they will but not enjoy them as my other siblings children do. They pressure me and tell me to just do it, im 21, will be turing 22 this year. I do not need a child. No, i will not get married this year or next year either... I don’t know, will my papa ever see me getting married? The man I love with my whole heart. My poor mama, I feel for her now. I get why she was so hard on me. I don’t need them as much as my other siblings do. It’s something I had to overcome slowly, it’s not that they love me any less. it’s just that they know I am stronger than they are. I’ve done everything on my own... when I needed my family the most, my mama especially--- where was she? Not with me. She was at home taking care of my sister’s kids while I tried  to burn my skin off in the shower, punching the walls, sobbing. I will never understand how cruel people are. How some people are willing to defend or not speak up for others when they’re in trouble. Integrity. I am disgusted, and sickened by them. Being a cna, was the best and worst experience of my life. I took care of people in their most vulnerable moments. Some had lovely families who cared for them wholeheartedly while others it was almost like a chore/obligation to be there.... while others were all alone. Even the most difficult patients (Randy) who’d throw shit at me and everyone.... was hard to love had a soft spot. A senior nursing assistant who knew him since the day he stepped into the nursing home said he had a daugther and would visit him at first but decided to end all contact with him for whatever reason, but i’m sure she did it for a good reason.... but what i’m trying to say is.... everyone has seen some terrible things or lived through it or live in regret like how he lives now and he’s so angry all the time, it’s sad. I hope he is at peace one day. I worked night shifts, doubles. Worked my ass off.... for what? I cannot be a nurse. I cannot even step into a nursing home without hyperventilating. I wanted to become a nurse so badly, now that it’s not within my reach.....I feel useless. But... I’m trying to change career paths now and become a teacher or perhaps a counselor would be more suitable, I’d enjoy that more. I used to dream about becoming a travel nurse. Travel all of California, the states. But then I felt like a fucking joke when the DON at the nursing home told me, “You will become a nurse, this is his livelihood.” This haunts me. I dont give one fuck. He is a predator. He preyed on me when I was at my weakest. This was my third double shift... go in at 10pm leave at 2:30 sleep 4-5 hours and do it again. I was supposed to have a week off after this. We were short on people too. The people that worked there didn’t really care about these people. PSA: IF YOU LACK COMPASSION, HEALTHCARE ISN’T THE PLACE FOR YOU. IT WOULD PISS ME THE FUCK OFF HEARING PEOPLE COME IN THE MORNING COMPLAINING ABOUT their 7-10 residents where I would take care of 20+ residents, dress them for the morning and here I was working a double shift. Not the first time I’ve done it but that week I overdid it and worked those 3 days back to back.... He was never disrespectful towards anyone. He kept to himself and offered help to anyone who needed it. He was everyones “brother” there. He was a middle aged Latino man, only Latino than me and my coworker who i once though to be my “work mom”. He needed help  giving a bed bath which usually takes two people to those who are aggressive... While giving a bed bath he started small talk saying how my parents should be proud of how hardworking I am then went on how tired I looked and how I should rest on the bed like the other cna’s do and I was like no, I don’t do that , that’s unprofessional and I would never. Then he said my shoe lace was untied and i my back was turned to the bed behind so i bent over and he was BIG and pushed me and his weight was crushing me and he swirled his tongue down my throat and i bit him and tried pushing him off but i was so fucking weak and tired, I couldn’t do it, until I was able to fucking kick him in the nuts and i tried running through the bathroom but he locked it and then I pushed him and ran out of the room, he yelled in spanish “Don’t be scared, Don’t say anything, and I just ran to the end of the hall where there I saw my “work mom” and my other coworker and I just couldn’t speak but they jokingly said if i saw a ghost or something because i was pale. I threw up, when i managed to get some words out of mouth, they were in disbelief about what happened. They told the charge nurse, she said she was going to do “her best” and it was “okay” bitch, tf it is not. anyways.... my phone died but i was able to use my coworkers and i called my man and he immediatley made his way to my job. I KID YOU NOT... THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS STILL ON THE FLOOR. WHEN THE CHARGE NURSE WAS NOTIFIED, SHE SHOULD HAVE ESCORTED HIS ASS OUT IMMEDIATLEY. RIGHT????? RIGHT. anyways He comes 20 mins later and asks me who it was and i pointed to the coward in the purple scrubs. He pushed him out of the facility and asked him “what did you do to her? What did you do to my girlfriiend” to which he replies “I WaS JuSt PlaYinG with HeR.” WHO TF PLAYS WITH A 21 year old like that??? BULLLSHIT. EVERYONE HEARD. NO ONE SAID A THING when it came down to give my report. they all swore to back me up and they didn’t. the police officer got teary eyed as he saw me and said sadly, due to them not cooperating, they couldn’t make a case. Nothing happened. all i could do is get a restraining order. that’s it.... I still have not recovered from that. The disilusionment. The people I trusted. But then again, this isn’t the first time people let me down like that. Just the first time something major happened and it’s hard for me to let go of this. I am in pain. I am hurt. I do not want to hurt anymore. I’m a good fucking person. I used to be passionate about a lot of things and slowly started losing interest in them but this year I will try my best to do those things again. I will go on roadtrips again, i will go to at least one concert, I will read again, I will sing again, I will glue my pieces back together. Nobody got you like you got you. The only two people who was there for me in those moments was my dearest best friend Yulissa and my man, Donavon. I will forever be grateful for having them.  Right now, I need to focus on school, get help when needed, don’t hesitate asking for help, and not give as many fucks as I do. I need to stop giving a fuck but lmao it’s so HARD. I CARE ABOUT EVERYTHING TOO MUCH. but the moment i feel like it is not being reciprocated, I SHUT DOWN. I need to stop. I am so tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of feeling so much and nothing at all. I hate not knowing. But must embrace uncertainty. Help me, higher forces. Help me God, if you hear me. I’m sorry for losing faith. I don’t know if I could go back to church again but.... I guess I could try. Idk... Ok going to sleep. bye. 

[bacieciambelline]

A COMPLETE INTERVIEW OF MY MUSE | FELICIANO TAGGED: @kriegerherzz TAGGING : steal this please

NAME?

Feliciano D’Alessandro Venier

ARE YOU SINGLE?

nope!!! ����💕💕

ARE YOU HAPPY?

Generally speaking? No, absolutely not

ARE YOU ANGRY?

Generally speaking? Uhhh, not really, no?? (yes)

NINE FACTS –

BIRTH PLACE?

somewhere in a beach palace off the Adriatic. Or near a fire. Or in prison. Most likely all three. Pretty sure it was all three. 200 BCE was a crazy fucking time

HAIR COLOR

espresso brown

EYE COLOR?

hazel--green/brown/gold and they’re so pretty

BIRTH DAY?

[ SHRUGS ] i have three. one of them i regret. march 17 (personal), march 25 (fear), june 2 (public)

MOOD?

i am depressed and have depression. right now, though, a little manic, very lonely

GENDER?

yes

SUMMER OR WINTER?

winter!! cold and snow and no sun to give me sun rashes

MORNING OR AFTERNOON?

morning!! not hot, sunrise is pretty, and sometimes it feels okay to get up and watch the sun rays filter in through your window

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE ? –

ARE YOU IN LOVE?

yes!! 💕💕💕 [ blows a phat kiss to the sky ] that one’s for gunni

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

that’s how i almost got killed for having an affair with a married man

WHO ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP?

m...me... 

HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART?

i’d put my money on it, yeah

ARE YOU AFRAID OF COMMITMENTS?

i gotta ask my therapist

HAVE YOU HUGGED SOMEONE WITHIN THE LAST WEEK?

no... i’d fucking like one right now

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SECRET ADMIRER?

i don’t-- yeah, actually... and i really hurt him... oof....

HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN YOUR OWN HEART?

does god live in heaven?

SIX CHOICES –

LOVE OR LUST?

i mean, NOW i’m gonna choose love because i genuinely love someone but if you asked me two years ago i would have said lust

LEMONADE OR ICED TEA?

lemonade. tea-anything is for bitches

CATS OR DOGS?

cats

A FEW BEST FRIENDS OR MANY REGULAR FRIENDS?

i don’t really have either

A WILD NIGHT OUT OR ROMANTIC NIGHT IN?

i do both, i prefer neither

DAY OR NIGHT?

night night night night night

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS –

BEEN CAUGHT SNEAKING OUT?

many times. once by my father and i had to stab him; once by my surrogate father and i had to stab him; multiple times by fucking roderich and i wish i stabbed him; multiple times by my ex wife and that was the worst of all; uhhhhhh not sure if escaping jail counts

FALLEN DOWN/UP THE STAIRS?

i am covered in bruises daily. this is why i just belly flop up and down the stairs

WANTED SOMETHING/SOMEONE SO BADLY IT HURT?

yeah, NOW, but this didn’t really apply until like... the 19th century. if i wanted someone or something i didn’t have any issues getting it! i am a princess

WANTED TO DISAPPEAR?

[ lmao ] yeah??? this isn’t a secret, the fuck

FOUR PREFERENCES –

SMILE OR EYES?

eyes. smiles mean teeth and unless they’re sinking into my neck i don’t want them

SHORTER OR TALLER?

taller. i like having people reach things for me. this is also why my boyfriend is a pretty red tree

INTELLIGENCE OR ATTRACTION?

can i like... say both? please? 

HOOK-UP OR RELATIONSHIP?

relationship

FAMILY –

DO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY GET ALONG?

i have framed restraining and protective orders for each and every one of them hanging in my office at home

WOULD YOU SAY YOU HAVE A “MESSED UP LIFE”?

oh, yeah, definitely. oh yeah yeah, oh yeah yeah. oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah

HAVE YOU EVER RAN AWAY FROM HOME?

haha, yeah. the last time i did i got a divorce, tetanus, stranded in America, and fucking died

HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN KICKED OUT?

uhhhhh yeah, i guess?

FRIENDS –

DO YOU SECRETLY HATE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS?

i not-so secretly hate almost everyone

DO YOU CONSIDER ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS TO BE GOOD FRIENDS?

i don’t have enough of them to answer this question

WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND?

withstanding my boyfriend, rainer!! only because he has no choice [ it’s joke ] i love the guy, i feel comfortable around him. and he enables me so like [ thumbs up ]

WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU?

[ long pause....................... ] my ex wife knows everything about me, the gay twink of italy. the scrappy doo of italy. not even my therapist knows everything and i’ve told her everything i can tell her. my boyfriend???????? EHH... that’s messy, no no no

[bbbarneswrites]

Bucharest Diaries | THE LIBRARY

Bucky Barnes x Reader*

Summary: Snapshots of Bucky’s life in Romania. In which he meets someone when he least expects to. Genre: Romance/fluff Rating: T Warnings: Swearings 1,568 words

Notes: OKAY. I’ve been thinking about expanding this whole Bucky in Romania thing and I don’t know what happened today that this came out. It’s really corny though, LMAO. Any Romanian readers out here willing to help a girl out with some info, hmu! The poem down there is originally titled Poveste Sentimentală and both it and the book are written by Nichita Stănescu. Guess that’s it! Happy reading! <3

Tied to The Apartment Chronicles and Two Sides!

Pinterest | Spotify Playlist

Life in Romania is quiet. Dull. Repetitive, at times.

But even so, Bucky doesn’t complain about it. After the shitshow that his life has been, he’s thankful to be just another face in the crowd, just another body to bump against in the street. Despite the blood stained past, he’s content in rebuilding his life as just another random person.

(As random as he can be, that is. Somewhere deep down, Bucky knows this is likely to not last).

Getting settled in Bucharest had been fairly easy for someone like him.

He gets a job. Heavy manual labor, perfect and low-key, no paperwork needed but with fair pay. He gets an apartment. Small and old in a communist era apartment building but just enough for someone like him. No neighbors or tenants.

And then, with time – Bucky builds a routine.

Sometimes he works during the day. Sometimes at night. Sometimes he gets days off. The free nights are mostly meant for his journals. Re-reading them is a good pastime and it often sparkles his supressed memories. In the free mornings, he likes to sleep-in. To feel the softness of his blanket, watch the sun slip through the newspapers covering the windows of his place.

But It’s different when he’s got the whole day.

He can go to the market that stays two blocks away, visit touristic points that aren’t too crowded, walk around the Old Town and hide in the mass of people.

Or like today, pick a book in one of the local libraries.

Trying to look as inconspicuous as someone like him can be – because he might not be an assassin anymore but he still has a figure – Bucky walks from corridor to corridor, eyes silently scanning every book’s spines.

As he reaches the poetry section, he stops by a title. O viziune a sentimentelor. Though he normally wouldn’t go for a poetry book, the name catches his attention like no other did so far.

His fingers reach out for the cream colored book and just when he’s about to pull it out–

“That’s one of the best Romanian books. Ever.”

Bucky can’t help but freeze at the sudden appearance, hand tightly closed around the book, too startled at not hearing the steps after him.

You don’t seem to notice though, your input falling unasnwered in the empty corridor for a few moments as your attention diverges for a row of books in the opposite shelf, your hands trailing through the dust until finally picking up a bright red one.

The soft, whispered ‘a-ha!’ you let out is enough for Bucky to turn around.

Eyes trailing from your feet and up, he stops midway through it. It’s creepy and it might make you uncomfortable. He knows he doesn’t look like the friendliest of men. Between the white sneakers, lace trimmed shorts and white top that flashed a silver of your skin, Bucky doesn’t look up to your face.

Until you speak up again.

“It took me two weeks to read this book.” You mention to the book in his hands with your own, an amused smile forming on your lips as you roll your eyes. “The Romanian was a bitch to crack through.”

Bucky doesn’t say anything – feeling suddenly torn about striking a conversation or posing as an uneducated son of a bitch.

You don’t mind the brief silence, taking the time to watch him.

Even though the summer is just a few weeks away, he wears a heavy, maroon jacket. You know the gray top underneath is long-sleeved too. Black cap and black glove and jeans, brown hair brushing against the light stubble of his jaw. He’s tall and his broad shoulders are nothing but imposing.

If by chance you’d met him after a night-out in Old Town with your friends, you’d switch for the other sidewalk.

Right now, he looks somehow familiar. Despite everything, he manages to look soft as he finally talks to you.

“My Romanian is rusty.” He says, lips pursing for a small moment as he shrugs and clears his throat, blue eyes settling on you again. “It will be good practice.”

At the realization he speaks English too, you smile. And Bucky swears it lights up your face, the gloss of your lipstick looking more appearent as you do.

In another time of this life, he knows exactly what his old self would do. For the first time in months, he wishes to be like him again – easy with words and blessed with natural charm. To be the guy a pretty girl would give the time of her day.

He’s on the run but he’s not blind. He knows you’re pretty.

(Even more when you bite your lip. Not that he should be noticing all that).

“Then you should have this one.” You shake the book in your hand, cheeks warming up when his gaze lifts from your lips to your eyes again. “For practice.”

You hand him the bright red covered book and Bucky reads in worn golden letters. Poezii by one Mihail Eminescu.

When he looks up again, you have a smirk playing on your lips, fingers pulling another book from the shelf. A green one with similar golden letters. He can’t read the title, not even when you hold it against your chest and start walking backwards and out of the poetry section.

“This one is yours.” Bucky retorts, two books fitting easily between his metal fingers, lips quirking in an unexpected side smile. “I don’t mind waiting one more week.”

The words feel odd at the tip of his tongue – somehow flirty, almost feeling like an invitation, a plead.

And just before you turn around to leave–

“I don’t mind it either.” You tip your head to one side and raise your free hand, pressing a single finger to your smiling lips. “One week.”

An invitation that you take it.

One week that turns into two and then turns into three and soon it’s a month (and a half).

You become friends.

Bucky learns a lot about you in the short period.

He knows you’re an interchange student that switched the last year of your graduation to try your luck somewhere else. He knows you’ve been reading Romanian novels to improve your language skills because you’re terrible at it. He knows you like fashion and he always takes note on your clothes.

He watches – it’s a natural trait of the soldier – and he learns a lot about you in the short period.

Quirks, likes and dislikes, moods.

Bucky draws a line at friendship but it’s hard to ignore the feeling flaring in his chest everytime you smile around him.

You never ask anything about him. As far as it goes, he’s just an American man trying life in different country. Bucky guesses you might think he’s a veteran, a regular soldier with a backstory similar to many men that come back from war.

(He almost wants to be suspicious at your disinterest. But it’s you so he doesn’t).

His routine is a little less dull now. His days off are spent in the library and each time he comes back home with a new novel to read, often Romanian authors you’ve heard in your classes.

Sometimes his late mornings are replaced for early meetings, like today, as he watches you switch from tab to tab in your laptop, sitting in a study desk at the back of the room with books and papers all around you.

And between watching every little detail from you – to the little flowers in your pants to the glitter of your nails, Bucky frowns in confusion when you smile softly at the screen.

“Look at this poem.” You say quietly, turning the laptop screen to his direction with a knowing smile, your shoulder brushing against his as you rest back on the chair. “Nichita Stănescu.”

As he leans closer, words in Romanian come to him as easily as if it’s in English.

Then we met more often. I stood at one side of the hour, you at the other, like two handles of an amphora. Only the words flew between us, back and forth. You could almost see their swirling, and suddenly, I would lower a knee, and touch my elbow to the ground to look at the grass, bent by the falling of some word, as though by the paw of a lion in flight. The words spun between us, back and forth, and the more I loved you, the more they continued, this whirl almost seen, the structure of matter, the beginnings of things.

Ignoring his ridiculously fast beating heart, and how much the poem speaks to both of you, Bucky turns his head to you–

Already looking at him, with your lips miserable inches away from his own. And he doesn’t pull back. Maybe because he’s too startled. Or maybe because he simply doesn’t want to.

“It’s beautiful.”

You sigh and it falls right into his mouth. Bucky recognizes the poem from the book he got when he met you and he knows what it means, how it fits what you have, if there’s something to think of. He pulls back anyway.

“It  is.”

He doesn’t specify what but he knows you know by the way you look at him.

Bucky draws a line.

And he thinks everything will be fine – at least until the nightclub incident happens.

[ohpedromypedros-main]

Every Sense of the Way (Part 4)

For first time readers, here are parts one, two, and three!

Author: @bill-skarsgard-writings

Word Count: 3,098

Characters: Roman x Reader, Shelley, Peter, Stina(OC)

Pairings: Roman x Reader

Warnings: Angst, adult language (use of the word cunt like once lmao), cute shit at the end.

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Summary: The reader has gotten extremely close to Shelley, best friends for that matter, so when the reader’s current bestie shows up and harasses her, Shelley’s right there and has her back. But that still doesn’t stop the reader from having some small insecurities about her relationship with Roman.

It was a Saturday afternoon when you had gotten a text from Shelley seeing if you wanted to join her for a drink at the coffee shop downtown. The two of you had gotten very close since the day you first met her and if anyone were to ask you, you'd say she were your best friend. Stina hadn't spoken to you in a couple of weeks; not a call, text, or anything. You figured maybe she was busy doing her own thing, so you didn't bother trying to get into contact with her. Besides, you had Shelley now to spend time with and to be honest, you preferred spending your free time with her over Stina. Shelley was more supportive of you, more of a sister figure than Stina ever was.

When you arrived at the coffee shop, you headed inside and over to where Shelley was waiting at a table for you. She had already ordered your drinks, seeing as you had told her what you wanted through text, so your coffee was ready for you when you got there. Greeting her with a grin, you sat down in the chair across from her.

“Hey, Shel.”

“Hey, Y/N! Thanks for meeting up with me,” she smiled.

“No need for thanks. I enjoy hanging out with you.”

“I'm glad you do. Not many people enjoy my company. I tend to scare them off.”

“Well, I'm not like other people,” you chuckled, sipping your coffee.

“So I've been told,” she teased, smirk spread across her face.

“Oh yeah? Let me guess, Roman tell you all about me?”

“Everything. He really loves you, you know. I've never seen him so happy over a girl before. Usually girls are just a fuck for him, but you're different. I see the love in his eyes when he talks about you. Plus, you're very sweet and you're an amazing friend. I like you more than most other people in this town.”

“Aww thanks, Shel. That's means a lot. As long as I have someone's approval in his family,” you laughed.

“Ah... My mother being a bitch as always?” She rolled her eyes, setting her cup back on the table after taking a sip.

“I overheard her a couple months ago threatening Roman that she was going to talk to Human Resources about our relationship. I really don't think she likes me,” you shrugged.

“Wait, really? I mean...yeah you're his secretary, but that doesn't mean you can't have a relationship. As long as you're not being public about it while you're working, everything should be fine.”

“You should tell your mother that,” you snorted, shaking your head. “Maybe it'll make her stop trying to find ways to break us up. But I highly doubt it.”

“Give her time. Maybe she'll finally warm up to you.”

“I hope so. There's nothing worse than not having your boyfriend's mother's approval.”

“Trust me, Roman is in no way a momma's boy, so not having her approval shouldn't be a worry for you. Roman doesn't care what she thinks or how she feels, their relationship isn't the greatest.”

“Well, I guess that's a bit comforting to know,” you laughed.

“Yeah. Believe me when I say, you have nothing to worry about.”

“Thank you, Shelley.”

“It's the truth. No need for thanks.”

You hoped Shelley was right, that eventually Olivia would give in and accept you into the family. She was right about one thing, though, and that would be Roman not caring whether he had Olivia's approval or not. He loved you no matter what anyone thought, his mother included, and he wasn't about to let her ruin his chance at love.

“So what's Roman doing today anyway?” Shelley asked. “I know he doesn't work on Saturdays.”

“He mentioned something about meeting up with Peter. I swear, when those two are together they're just so mysterious.”

“Roman's never mentioned the dreams?”

“Dreams?” You questioned, furrowing your eyebrows in confusion. “I mean, when I first met Peter, he had mentioned something to Roman about a dream he had, but I didn't think much of it at the time.”

“To sum it up, Peter and Roman both have these terrible dreams, sometimes they dream of the same thing, but the biggest thing is that their dreams come true.”

You felt a sudden lump form in your throat, trying your hardest to swallow whatever fear had overcome you in that moment. Shelley noticed this and reached across the table to soothingly touch your hand.

“Hey, it's okay.”

“How come Roman never mentioned this to me?”

“Maybe he didn't want you to worry? They're just dreams.”

“That you said come true,” you whispered.

“Okay let me rephrase that, they sometimes come true. Most of the time Peter and Roman find ways to stop their dreams from becoming a reality. It's probably why they're together. Maybe they had another dream.”

“Do...do you think I should not mention to Roman that I know about them? The dreams?”

“That's probably best. Lord only knows what he'd would do or say if he found out you knew about them. He's probably kept it secret for so long because he's afraid it'll put you in danger.”

“I don't see how or why it would. It's not like the dreams can just manifest into someone or something and hurt me.”

“I know, but you know Roman. He wouldn't take any chances.”

“I suppose you're right.”

You grabbed your coffee mug, finishing it's remaining contents in a few sips before setting it back on the table and pushing it aside with the back of your hand.

“Would you like to come over to my place and relax for the rest of the day?” You smiled. “Watch some movies, maybe eat a fuck ton of junk food?”

Shelley laughed, nodding her head with a wide smile.

“I'd like that.”

“Great! Come on, I've got a whole selection of movies just waiting for us to look through.”

You were on your second movie with Shelley, both having been Rom Coms, and you let out a huff when you realized you ran out of popcorn.

“I've gotta make another bowl of popcorn. Pause the movie while I make some more?”

“Sure. I've gotta pee anyway,” she laughed, grabbing the remote and pressing pause.

You laughed a little at her pee comment before getting up from your array of blankets on the floor to head to the kitchen and make some more popcorn. As you hit the start button on the microwave once the bag was in, you heard several loud knocks on your front door. Furrowing your brows, you stepped out of the kitchen to the front entrance of your small home to open the door.

“You're a fucking cunt!”

You were taken aback by the sudden insult and it took you a moment to realize that it was Stina who had screamed in your face.

“Stina? What are yo--”

“You're seeing Roman?! Even after I told you not to?! He's a man whore, Y/N! I told you that!”

“Actually,” you glared. “He hasn't slept with a single girl since we got together.”

“What the fuck are you implying?” She spat.

“That uh... Maybe I'm different from the rest of the girls he's fucked? That he actually genuinely cares about me and loves me?”

Stina laughed harshly at your response, arms crossed over her chest.

“Oh please. If Roman wouldn't give up fucking all these girls for me, then he certainly wouldn't give it up for you.”

“Excuse me? Did yo-- Wait... Are you saying you're one of the girls that Roman turned down?” You asked, laughing at how pathetic she was. “Oh my God I should have known. You were acting so fucking weird the day you told me to stay away from him, I just didn't realize you were one of the girls you were talking about.”

“He doesn't love you. Roman doesn't know how to love. You're pathetic for even thinking he could ever love you.”

“Oh? Then why--”

“Actually, bitch,” Shelley came up from behind you, having heard everything Stina had said to you. Her face said it all. She was pissed. “Roman absolutely loves Y/N. You should see the way he looks at her, hear all the things he says about her. Roman never knew how to love until he met Y/N, so you can take your jealous little ass out of here before you end up regretting stepping foot on her doorstep.”

“What are you gonna do? Kill me?” Stina snorted, giving her eyes an over dramatic role.

“Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do to you,” Shelley glared, taking a step toward Stina.

Stina took a step back, clearly frightened by the hatred in Shelley's eyes. She looked between the both of you before huffing and turning to walk away. She made it to the end of the walkway before turning back to where you and Shelley were still standing in the doorway.

“This isn't over!” She screamed, stomping around to the driver's side of her car and getting inside. She immediately started the engine, speeding off down the road in an angry rage.

You sighed to yourself, shaking your head as you closed the door and locked it. You turned to Shelley with a smile, genuinely happy that she had said all those things about Roman and you. That only proved that Shelley was your true best friend, that she had your back no matter what. You moved to wrap your arms around her for a tight embrace, face buried in her shirt.

“Thank you, Shel.”

“I wasn't going to stand there and let her get in your head. She's a petty ass bitch who's just jealous that she never had and never will have a chance with my brother.”

“Yeah you're right,” you sighed. “So much for that friendship.”

“Y/N, she was never your friend if she told you to stay away from Roman in the first place. If she were, she'd be happy for you, happy that Roman finally found love. But since she's so far up her own ass and thinks she's something special, she's not your friend. Never was.”

“I'm just happy I have you. You're my absolute best friend, Shel. You really are.”

“And you're mine,” she grinned, picking you up and spinning you around. You let out a squeal, breaking into a fit of laughter as she spun you in circles. She set you down after a moment, holding you in place while you regained your balance.

“I love you,” you laughed.

“I love you too.”

“Let's go finish our movie. The popcorn is probably getting cold.”

“Sounds good to me.”

After grabbing the popcorn from the microwave and heading back to your literal bed of blankets on the living room floor, you opened the bag and emptied its contents into the bowl you had set on the blanket between you and Shelley. Shelley hit play on the remote, the both of you moving to lay back on the blankets and snuggle up together.

Shelley truly was your best friend. She was one of the most kindhearted people you'd ever met and it confused you beyond anything as to why people never gave her a chance. Yes, she didn't look the same as anyone else, her slight deformity making her look a bit terrifying, but that in no way signified that she was a monster. She was far from a monster.

Once the second movie ended, you immediately got up from your comfortable position to eject the disc from the DVD player, carefully clicking it into place in its case and setting it on the entertainment center. You were about to grab another movie when your phone began to ring, so you grabbed it from the floor, smiling when you saw Roman was calling. Plopping down on your butt, you hit answer, putting the call on speaker right after.

“Hey, Ro. What's up?” You grinned.

“Was just about to ask you the same thing,” he chuckled. “What's my favorite girl up to?”

“Hanging out with Shelley at my place. We've been watching movies the past few hours after having met up for coffee earlier.”

“Aw. I'm really glad you two are getting close. It makes me happy knowing Shelley has someone to spend her time with.”

“Yeah, she's my best friend,” you smiled, glancing over at Shelley who was grinning widely at you.

“That makes me extremely happy to hear. Mind if Peter and I come by to join you girls?”

“I don't mind at all. What about you, Shel?”

“I'm perfectly fine with that,” she smiled.

“Wonderful. We'll be over in a few. Love you both.”

“We love you too,” you both said in unison.

After hanging up with Roman, you curled up beside Shelley again, content sigh passing your lips.

“I'm so in love with your brother, you know that?”

“Indeed I do,” she laughed.

“He just...makes me happier than I've ever been. I've never been treated so well, so...royally,” you giggled.

“I mean... He does refer to you as his queen when he talks to me about you.”

“Wait... he does?” You asked, biting your lip.

“Yes ma'am.”

“Wow,” you giggled. “That's wonderful to hear. I mean, he calls me Princess during sex, but--”

“Okay I love you, but TMI,” she laughed.

“Sorry.”

“It's okay. I just really don't need to hear what my brother does during sex.”

“Then I shall leave out what I call him during sex.”

“Oh God I do not want to know what that would be.”

You gave her a smirk, wiggling your eyebrows in a playful manner. She only laughed, shaking her head with a small eye roll. Your front door opened and closed after a moment and you both sat up to see Roman and Peter strolling into the living room.

“Nice set up,” Peter laughed, walking over to your pile of blankets and plopping down on top of them. “So comfy and warm. I may just go ahead and take a nap.”

“Go for it,” you laughed. “Shel and I almost fell asleep watching our movies.”

Peter only hummed, face buried in the blankets. You got up a moment later, going over to Roman and wrapping your arms around his neck, standing on your tip toes to press a long kiss to his lips. He smiled, grabbing you by the waist and pulling you flush against him.

“Missed you,” he murmured.

“I missed you more.”

“Mm nope. Totally missed you the most.”

You giggled, pulling back to playfully swat his chest.

“Fine. You missed me the most.”

“Good girl.”

“Uh huh,” you grinned.

“Oh yeah I almost forgot to ask, what the hell is with the tire marks outside your house?”

You looked from Roman to Shelley who gave you a reassuring smile. You sighed softly, looking back to Roman.

“About that... Can we talk?”

“About?”

“Privately,” you mumbled.

Roman kinda furrowed his brows, but nodded his head anyway. He was concerned about what the talk was going to be about. Did his mother show up and harass you again? He surely hoped not because he would put a stop to that immediately. Taking Roman's hand, you led him upstairs to your room where you sat down on your bed with a sigh.

“You love me, right?”

“Of course I love you,” he frowned. “What's this about?”

“Well my best, uh... ex best friend showed up not too long ago...”

“Stina?”

“Yeah,” you sighed.

“What happened?”

“Sh-she told me that you could never love me because you don't know how to love... That all you want is a fuck. And she said all the girls who wanted more than just a fuck, you turned down.”

“Whoa whoa whoa. Okay I'm going to stop you right there. That dumb bitch was the only girl that I've ever slept with who wanted more than just sex. She's lying to you, Y/N. She's jealous of you. Clearly she's mad that I didn't give up sleeping around to be in a relationship with her, but I did for you. She wants to be you, but she'll never be you.”

“Really?” You whispered.

Roman walked to where you were sat on your bed, kneeling down in front of you and cupping your face in his hands.

“Yes. Y/N, I did never know how to love, but then I met you. You changed everything for me. The moment I fell in love with you, I knew at that point you're the only person I want to spend my life with; the only girl I ever want to make moan my name, to make orgasm as you drench my cock with your cum, the only girl I want to kiss, to hold, to say that I love you. You're everything I've ever dreamed of.”

Tears welled in your eyes at his words and you sank down to your knees on the floor to wrap your arms around him, burying your face in his chest with a happy sob.

“Oh, Roman. I love you, I'll always love you, and I'll never let anything anyone says bring me down again.”

“That's my girl,” he murmured, rubbing his hand along your back. “Now come on, let's get back downstairs to Shelley and Peter and watch some movies together. And if you're lucky, I'll secretly finger you under the blankets.”

His words made you blush and you pulled back from his embrace to see him biting his lip with a smirk. He leaned forward to press a soft kiss to your lips, thumbs brushing away your stray tears. Smiling, you got up from the floor, helping Roman up and letting him lead you back downstairs to rejoin Shelley and Peter.

“You two good?” Peter asked, slightly concerned.

“Yeah,” Roman smiled, gazing at you with the most loving eyes. “We're good.”

Roman x Reader tag list: @weak-aesthetic @skarsgardtrash @sebbystanxbuckybarnes @the-fandom-phantom-fanfics @mango307 @elizabethkatarina @my-fan-girl-life @jadelynlace

Everything taglist: @cecesunshine-fanfictions @this-is-what-makes-us-fandoms @scarlett-lehane @jughead-wuz-here @penni-saur

A/N: I’ve noticed a lot of people who asked to be in tag lists have changed their usernames, so if you want to still be one of my taglists, please let me know so I can readd you!

[merlinthoughts]

Season 1 Episode 5 - Lancelot<3

- YES BBG’s IT'S MY BOY LANCE

- he’s one of my fav characters u guys don't even KNOW

- like yah okay, i've only seen hiM FOR ONE EPISODE

- but he’s the light of my life

- and he may not even come back but he looks like a character that would come back especially if the fucking ep is named after him

-  oh damn, i sure hope he does

- and goes into arthurs posse of knights or whatever, replacing val

- or what valerie was gonna be

- idek, lets get to it bc i could go on for days just picturing lance as a main character while continuously expressing my love for him

- BUT NOTHING ELSE OBVIOUSLY BC THIS IS NOW A CATHOLIC WEBSITE

- tumblrs trynna urge me to go with them nasty thoughts

- you wish tumblr

- you WISH you can ban me

- u can't live without sucking dick >:(

- wow slow down shev... wow okay sorry. christianism. i forgot

- it got the best of me

- back to the episode!

- omg it's buckbeak why he making a cameo in merlin??

- my inner potterhead(uwu) is coming out i hate this

- bet you can't guess which house i'm in ;)

- it's fucking slytherin, it's literally so obvious

- hissshiss motherfuckers

- ew guys

- this is so hard to type considering my fucking ‘-’ button (called a dash for u furries who only see a face) is broken and i have to literally smash it to make it work, so i'm just insanely typing up the next dash by screaming at my keyboard that i can't fucking fix

- and i have so many dasHES TO DO!

- that made no sense bc yall aren't living in my socks at the moment

- BUT I'M DYING IT'S SO HARD TO JUST GET IT TO PRESS

- fuck it copy paste, my best friend, you always come when the time is needed

- LANCELOT LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL

- lowkey looked like that guy from the 100 though

- but better

- nothing against baloney of course

- lancelot literally just introduced himself, the camera panned in onto his chest, then he proceeded to faint or some shit with the camera still zoomed on his chest, and merlin reached up to grab his shirt, probably to yank it the fuck off and the opening credits rolled up. wtf was that scene.

- WAIT I REWINDED IT

- it's not supposed to be a zoom in of his chest lmao, my hoe ass thought we had a little fanservice for a second, but there's a big mushroom-looking blood stain on his shirt which i guess is supposed to mean he's fucking dead so it's not all that confusing anymore

- when was he stabbed tho?

- whatever. shit always goes down in BBC that's often unexplainable.

- “it had claws, wings…” arthur stops his sentence melodramatically while uther looks terrified. “and.. what?” WHAT UTHER?? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?? YOU THINK ARTHURS  GONNA BE LIKE “FANGS, STEVE BUSCEMI'S EYEBALLS, DANNY DEVITO’S HAIRLINE, TALKS LIKE JOHN MULANEY?? I JUST TOLD YOU WHAT I SAW, NOT WHAT I IMAGINED. FATHER”

- but no… livestock apparently

- that’s what uthers shocked by

- not that theres a fucking griffin living in his world

- wait theres magic, means theres magic creatures doy

- but still, even if we all had magic here, i think it would be a little shocking seeing a griffin come for buckingham palace randomly

- or i guess if youre reading this and are in america, in the white house

- oh and it took only people apparently

- i guess that’s a little more severe but i stand uncorrected

- they be having a wild time in the hippogriff’s house ;)

- honestly sounds like a fucked up hogawart house

- here we have slytherin, hufflepuff, ravenclaw and... *looks at smudged writing on hand* hippogriff

- okay, who tf has a dream of coming to camelot when it's the most feared place, with banned magic and an asshole king with his hot bitchy son and a sorcerer who just brings chaos to the land

- well i mean, me 

- bc of the hot bitchy son but whatever

- camelot? more like cameNOT

- arthur calls himself the ultimate killing machine like the edge lord he is

- ARTHUR FUCKING KO’D THE BITCH

- knee to the nose and all wtf man

- this is probably foreshadowing smth with the “only noble blood can swoosh like a knight” thing, like somethings gonna happen and poor people are gonna revolt and uthers gonna be like “GEEZ fine, okay, no nobles can become a knight”

- merlins such a shit stirer, telling lance he can be a knight and telling him arthur would love him when we really know whats gonna happen bc of that rule

- and here’s gaius like uhh u liar wtf, crushing lance’s dreams while merlins just like wtf gaius, live in the moment, we can do anything, this is OUR show

- literally their such good friends and have known each other for a solid 10 minutes only

- i'm not that big into beards but id love to rub my face on lance’s

- HOMEWORK IS MERLIN’S EXCUSE, MERLIN UR LIKE 20 IN A WORLD PROB WITHOUT HOMEWORK

- haha little fault there, or like a minor inconvenience which isn’t important but i like to pretend to be smart: middle ages or well the show’s era was more in “AD” (476-ish is the start of middle ages, while the arthurian legend is supposed to happen in the 5/6th century so yeah, technically 400/500 AD), and homework supposedly only started up in 1095 so BOOM BBC GOTCHA

- no, merlin’s not gonna perform magic right in front of the librarian

- does he not know the wrath of librarians???

- our librarian at school literally kicked everyone out of the library once for the whole semester because there was an apple core on the bookshelf. this was during exam week. do u know how much i wanted to kill the person who didn't admit to their mistakes and let everyone suffer. WE COULDN'T ENTER TO EVEN STUDY

- OH GOD, HE'S DOING IT MERLIN IS A FUCKING MESS

- gwen and lancelot are my favourite thing, i literally want them to be together by the next episode

- or the next one with lance

- WAIT LANCELOT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MAIN CHARACTER ISN'T HE BC I KNOW VAGUELY THE ARTHURIAN LEGEND AND LANCELOT WAS A KNIGHT WASN'T HE???? HE WAS A FUCKING KNIGHT AND ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT NEXT TO LIKE IDK BEDEVERE OR SMTH THIS IS AMAZING NEWS GUYS I LITERALLY COULD BE A DETECTIVE

- !!!! the only heto ship on this show i actually adore !!!!!!

- i mean i only love two things: merthur and glance

- idek what gwen and lance’s ship name is so its now glance

- merlin would be the best wingman for them by being gwens bestie

- “you can start by cleaning out the stables” *lance looks to merlin while merlin gives him the biggest smile and thumbs up* this fuckING DORK

- harry potter au where everything is the same but that grim reaper looking human creature in the prisoner of azkaban executing buckbeak is actually lancelot in the future 

- for symbolism purpose, not saying lance is like an animal killer but yknow

- same thing with the griffin yknow

- the two prettiest dudes in my world fighting against one another while sweat is glistening down their forheads is my new favourite aesthetic

- BUCKBEAK HAS COME

- oh wait no, people having been attacked by buckbeak have come

- netflix fucked up by subbing arthur as “orther” and i never laughed so hard

- don’t make me fucking laugh when there’s an ambush, netflix, this is not christian

- annd arthur’s pride is gone, and he goes up to chop lance’s fucking head off

- OH SHIT THAT TRANSITION THOUGH

- i'm so proud of my bb like genuinely so proud, lance deserves so much and here is is!! a knight!!

- MORGANA APPEARS THE LOML

- the three lomls in one room?? seriously bbc?? you really doing that to me?? for once im actually impressed and happy

- he's gonna get caught, i mean i KNOW that, but like it's still stressing out

- ewewewewewewewewewew

- arthur called morgana “isn't she so beautiful??” with a lovey dovey face pls don't lead this to that stepsibling porn bullshit i'm going to fucking puke

- i hated that shadowhunter bullshit like they seriously going to hit me with the indirect incest?? i was so done. i hated jace and clary, idc if theyre like the most popular couple, like wheres my raphael lovers at bc that's a boy i can enjoy

- “so if you could choose one... lance or arthur?” merlin subtly asks gwen like he doesn't have an answer himself

- it would have been so perfect geez, gwen and lance, merlin and arthur, myself and morgana

- i really wanna know what lance, merlin and arthur look like drunk bc that's a hell of a hangover they got the next morning and they probably cut out most of the soiree so like what did they do?? was there any drunk dancing and flirting??? bc i literally want to see that happen

- ik it's a bad thing but those drunk tropes where someone confesses their love to the person they like while under the influence is my favourite thing bc it's both hilarious, genuine and the other person often helps them to their feet and gets them to a safer place to rest and that's fricken adorable guys!

- not the drinking obviously, thats like a thing you can enjoy if you want but ya girl does not like drinking. or, well, she likes drinking with a limit. you can tell who likes to be the designated driver lmao. people here be drinking flat out whiskey and i tried it once and it burned by fucking throat

- merlin fucked up

- and this is technically his fault

- THEY GOT CAUGHT LMAO IT IS HIS FAULT

- hungover and caught this won't bode well

- “not worthy of a knighthood”

- hey so how do you retract a knighthood?

- do you like reverse the shoulder tapping

- like if you're christian, bc you know, we, as a christian group on this tumblr site, should already know about it... but when we do that cross thing on our shoulders, it means like a direct call with god or some shit. and if we do it the opposite direction it's considered the antichrist so is it the same for knighthood?

- OMG I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANy

- okay with christianity it's tapping the head the stomach, shoulder then shoulder, right? but the reverse is the anti cross like shoulder to shoulder, stomach and head. but… what if it were tapping the stomach, crotch, hip to hip? it would make sense right??? since the cross is upside down… it would lead to the dick and not the head. THAT'S WHY IT'S AN UPSIDE DOWN CROSS. BC YOU AINT SUPPOSED TO GRAB THEM BALLS UNTIL MARRIAGE!!! I SEE OMG I SEE YOU JESUS, TRYNNA HIDE UR FLOURISHING SEXUALITY

- omg guys, don't grab ur fucking balls in this blog post, it's considered the antichrist

- “you never will be” lmao he's gonna come back, he's lancelot, that's a main in the og legend

-  how pissed will lance be with merlin

- i hope big time bc like... angry lance *dries off sweat with hands*

- aw damn lance isn't mad he's like “this is my punishment. mine to bare, mine to bare alone. stop blaming urself. i put this on me” this fucking goof is making me swoon once fucking more

- NOW BUCKBEAKS BACK

- he's a real goat x3

- buckbeak can literally fuck shit up in the air, camelot has nothing on him

- ARTHURS FUCKING DEAD LMAO

- oh wait he aint, just a few of his knights

- imagine being an extra and playing as one of those knights. having to fight next to bradley james, and have him look at you when someones doing something stupid like you can mentally agree with him and then pretend to die on camera. that would be my dream. make-a-wish better do me some good when i get diseased that will prob be named after me

- hoephagus

- stupidolis

- nah thats stupid

- ;)

- i now understand mulans will to pretend to be a guy and join the army bc i would literally do that if i could stay with arthur fucking pendragon

-  aw it's called a griffin not a hippogriff

- i'm saddened

- harry potter has taught me WRONG

- this looks to be the climax where merlins like “fine guys, geez, i'll kill the griffin bc i'm magic!! wow!!! but arthur obviously knew, and i thought gwen was gonna know but she shocked me even more when she didn’t like fucking hell everyones oblivious. but since you can only kill buckbeak with magic, sigh, i'm exposing myself ig” even if it's like halfway through season 1 with 5 seasons altogether, this looks to be the right time

- this really sounds to be what we are waiting for, what kilgarah said about the destiny merlin will have

- WAIT WE HAVEN'T SEE THAT BITCH IN A WHILE

- wheres the dickwad gone lmao like was the actor busy the last few episodes or what?

- OMG ARHTURS BREAKING LANCE OUT OF PRISON SO HE CAN BE A KNIGHT

- how is the “arthurs pretty gay” theory not popped up more times on here

- like we all know merthurs pretty great and all

- but CANON wise arthur seems super gay to me

- like he just told lance to get up his ass because “i need… uhh... camelot needs” like he was just about to say he needs lance in his life

- have you not seen the glances??

- fucking hell

- arthur slowly comes closer to lance pretending to talk about what he knows about the creature

- lance also coming closer to ask if he truly believes that, with a raised eyebrow

- thought this shit was only in books and fanfics

- but no guys, we got a gay eyebrow raise

- bc we all know only the gays are capable of eyebrow raises

- fucking hell this is gay i cant even explain it

- like its subtly gay, but out of context youd think this is something out of a fansite

- and merlins not even in this scene

- “take the horse and never return to this place” OKAY NO FIRST OF ALL SECOND OF ALL FUCK OFF LMAO THIS ISNT GAY ANYMORE

- i mean he’s doing it out of the goodness of his heart, saving him from prison and all but lance wants to like…  be a good man and you aint letting him do that

- OMG LANCE IS SAYING GOODBYE TO GWEN

- LANCE BETTER FUCKING KISS HER

- I LOVE GWEN AND LANCE TOGETHER #STAN

- fucking kiss you fucking bafoon

- THEY DIDN'T FUCKING KISS WTFUCKINGFUCK

- merlin looks so dumb holding his dagger as if he doesn’t know what to do with it but i love that for me

- WAIT I THOUGHT LANCELOT WAS LITERALLY GONNA GO YEET OUT OF CAMELOT NOT TO FUCKING SACRIFICE HIMSELF AND FIGHT THE GRIFFIN

- bafoons, all of them

- big bouncing bucking bafoons

- arthur looks so scared i've never been so in love and want to PROTECT

- omg for all merlin and lance know, that scream was arthur fucking dying- OMG IT WAS ARTHUR

- HE'S FUCKAN DEAD

- nvm he's alive but like yall not think to check for some arterial wounds bc he could be alive now, but in 5 mins he could legit not make it

- slow music means death

- lancelot you were the best husband i've ever had, rip

- i would be crying more if i didn’t know what happened, but since i already spoiled myself on the first season by watching this about a year ago, i'm not that sad but its still getting to me slightly

- hahahaha so happy everyones okayyy

- ARTHUR AND LANCE TiME!

- arthur looks so happy for lance literally crack ship right there

- why does nobody talk about this wyd

- and here’s arthur defending lance’s honour

- but uthers being a bitch

- omg that transition from lance being told to wait outside, the camera following him out of the room and the doors slamming behind him just in time to hear uther yell at arthur from next door is what gives me chills

- uther better fucking accept lance

- “the law is the law” yeah but the law also says to stop being a stuck-up bitch, uther

- literally lance is the only fucking person to not see through merlins blatant magic tricks

- like he saw that shit, called it out and was not like “oh what its a trick of the wind, surely”

- and he's not fazed at all, u see merlin it aint that bad to tell some people

- the only thing he is worrying about is the credit he says he doesn’t deserve bc merlin killed the griffin and not him

- see how fucking great my husband is, guys

- he better not be like “sucks to suck, i lied again! it aint me, chief” to uther and arthur

- NAH OKAY HE’S JUST BIDDING HIS FAREWELL IM GONNA FUCKING CRY IN THE CLUB

- he better fucking come back soon >:(

- seasonal guest star at least

- main characters, big bonus

- we barely saw morgana this episode and i'm not okay with that, but at the same time it was more lance-centric so i'm aight actually. we got all the time in the world for my baby girl, but lance :’( good luck man

- literally everyone is so gay for lance

- gwens into him for sure, and i love that the most (guess thats not gay but whatever, beggars can't be choosers)

- arthur has a little crush ngl

- and merlins full out in love with him

- not to mention MY FUCKING SELF

- i mean, i won't deny that he’s literally perfect in every way and i've only known him for one episode, but i agree whole heatedly with these crushes

- “till next time, sir lancelot” merlin whispers with a smile

- yeah that's me right there

- BC I'LL BE SEEING HIM IN THE FINAL EPISODE OF THIS SEASON!

- greeting us all with the news on being cast full-time for the show, being the best guard around and a lover boy to all

- guys i feel like i'm on aphrodisiacs but instead of desire for sex, it's love for lancelot

- send help

[stormears]

Traveler of Mine (snippet)

Summary: While Hyrule rebuilds its civilization, the Champion Link disappears into the wild again, seeking rest, or familiarity, or a release from a century of crushing weight that defined his life. Princess Zelda and Prince Sidon, the royals who stand a chance against him, pursue him, so that they might bring him home. Link runs. 

1,500-word snippet/beginning scene of a 10 - 15k-ish oneshot I’ve been thinking about. I have a fanfic “thing” I enjoy of Charcter A hunting down Char B with pseudo-romantic intentions. Zelda and Sidon and maybe a handful of random other citizens suit up to bring Link home and maybe ask him out or try to win that opportunity by catching him and beating him at his own wilderness-traversing game. Chase scenes, friendship, friendship-to-romance, lots of horse riding and mentions of horsey things, long journeys across Hyrule symbolizing Link’s metaphorical, huge expanse of crushing exhaustion of the burden he’s lived with as long as he can remember. 

The snippet doesn’t get that far into all that, but it’s what I’m going for. 

The people came back, and so she could breathe. It was her secret fear, her spoiled, hopeful one, that when—if—the Calamity was driven back, the city would stay empty, and no one would ever return. Several times across a hundred years where she refused to age and strained her muscles against the Beast enough for fifty men at once, she thought about this and felt something like humiliation. But once again, Link saved her.

Link’s journey upon waking in his shrine to bringing his newly rallied Beasts with him to take back their Kingdom took him five months. The battle took three hours. After they had rested and woke alone in the castle ruins, they explored. They pushed rubble, collected artifacts that had sat on stone floors and collected dust for the length of a Hylian’s whole life. At the end of the first week, some strangers came in. And more came. And the rubble moved.

Now Zelda does not know the feeling of humiliation. She knows about growing, and filing residential deeds and merchant partnerships. Folk coming into Castle Town came with businesses and families and precious heirlooms to put on shelves. And most importantly, they brought crafts to carry these things with. Carpenters came and mixed cement and brought logs and homes rose up. Link was on roofs more often than not, hefting this and aligning that. He made his intentions known well enough even to those folk who couldn’t make sense of his hand signs. Whether they did or didn’t, he was well in demand. Everyone knew him. Half the population had seen him roaming Hyrule these past months, some of them had apparently had errands done by him, sold him groceries and supplies and weapons. Everyone knew the warrior, the horseman, the moblin slayer, mountain climber, savior of races and dragons and things like that.  

When she  gave out plots of land to a group of farmers, another one came up, with a Goron behind him, asking with great excitement, “Ma’am, where is the Champion? Is he in the south quarter today?”

Where is Link, was a familiar question, usually easily answered. “He’s due for a rest day today. He must be sitting on a castle wall somewhere. I’m afraid he won’t be back for any construction assistance till tomorrow morning.”

“I might have the answer to that, miss Zelda,” said the Goron, who raised a folded piece of paper above all their heads. “I passed him this morning. He said to give this to you, uh, ma’am.” And his arm came down over the farmer, to Zelda’s reach. She took the paper and felt a thin magic on it immediately, some fairy blessing to keep the paper shut. An invisibly bump of sorts told her that the Goron had tried to open this letter and failed.

“Thank you, sir. I’m so glad it’s safe and unopened.” She gave him a fine grin and made sure to look him in the eyes as she opened it up. The Goron kept a straight face in front of her.

Zelda did not keep her straight face. The letter was from Link, written in his passable, leaning scratch and saying words she really had not expected to see or read this morning:

Zelda,

I’m leaving for a while. Don’t know when I’ll be back I need to be away Im very tired. Please accept my  apologies. Reconstruction of castle Town is going well I don’t think they really need me anymore. I think I want to, be in the wild again it helps me sleep and I’ve felt heavy and strange since we won the battle again I am sorry. Take care of yourself my princess

At the bottom he signed his name the way he used to, a century ago when he was a trained soldier. The elegant precision and large L seemed to be written by an entirely different hand than the one who had written the message itself. Zelda dared to think ‘Who wrote this?’ as she scanned it a second time. It seemed like a tiny work of fiction. A small handful of collapses in the grammar and spelling. It didn’t matter. Link probably hadn’t written letters for a hundred years. Link had left her without telling her so. Heavy and strange. What in the hell did that mean? She read it again, again. Im very tired.

‘Well, I know that, silly goose,’ she wanted to laugh. ‘You are the most tired man in the land right now.’ But it didn’t feel funny at that moment. That lying Goron was still looking at her.

She looked up with her same smile. “He says he’s gone out for some fresh air. Won’t be back for a while. I say he could use a good long break.” She nodded to herself and folded up the paper into a little scroll and tied it with a spare hair ribbon. She hooked it onto her belt where it would not be taken or read. “The first zone of the town is properly gridded off and our buildings are coming along nicely. We can do without his help for now.”

“Oh nooo!” moaned a lady with a cloth cap from behind them. “I hoped to see him today! I promised him free blackberry wine, you know! He, I think he made a sign saying he’d take it.”

“When will he be back, milady?” asked the man she’d been talking to before this nonsense started, and Zelda told him “Long enough for a decent vacation,” and hoped he would shut up. To assure that he would, she made a show of taking a new set of important paperwork in her hands and walking away. She could be busy anywhere. With the construction, the lake and reservoir diggers, the Zora party asking for trade, that asshole who said his grandfather was a Councilman, some horse association, lots of things.

Zelda made time for many of these things until just after sunset, when construction crews were piling up lumber for the night and lazing about. They left town or took shelter at the one inn that was close enough to complete to comfortably stay in, and any new residents did the same. Several folk during the day had asked about Link, was he coming to this area soon, was he around, did he have lunch plans? Zelda excused him each time, but she knew with each one that her placating couldn’t last forever. Or even for long. This town was growing new life again because of Link. It was all because of Link. He was the one people really knew. Not her, not usually. Even if her name was on everything and she carried the Goddess blood and every person she spoke to was her subject now, people nodded these facts away and asked to see the Champion Link, please. And so did she.

He was her appointed knight and constant companion through every trial and struggle and sunny day. She had known him since they were small. She knew him before he started tying his hair back. She watched him fall and cut himself on grown men’s swords and then wield them on the back of a horse. She told him to stand by her while a great godly demon threatened to swallow them and erase them from existence. She had known him so long, trusted only him by that point, that she could only choose him now. Link was at her side for everything and she loved him for it in some way. His loyalty was stronger than the might of Ganon. He hadn’t even told her to her face that he was leaving her alone.

“Are you all right?” she murmured in her half-broken room that night. She felt she was close to sleeping and dreaming this away. “I know you’re tired. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I need you for everything.” There was no one here to apologize to her, to say it’s okay, or I am always at your side, or some such thing. Link was gone. Was it absurd, that she wanted to cry? That she was crying.

‘If it helps you sleep and rest and finally...feel good again, then you must do it,’ she thought, for speaking was out of the question now. Her lip was wobbling like a soft child’s. She wiped at her wet eyes. ‘I didn’t know you felt heavy and strange. And tired. I’m sorry, Link. I’m sorry! Should I come get you? Do you want me to help you?’ No answer here. There was a light wind outside, delaying the silence.

When the silence was back she thought, ‘You rest, my Champion, and if you are not well or back soon, I will come find you.’

-

This came out significantly more emotional that I first intended. But we’re rolling with it. Eventually Zelda will decide Link’s been gone too long and she’s worried about him and enlist Sidon to help her since I guess she knows they fought Vah Ruta together and Sidon would want to help. This was originally a purely Sidlink idea but Zelda wormed her way in there and we may have some sort of Zelda x Link x Sidon thing on our hands. Or maybe I’ll pick one in the end, eh, I’m not sure yet. I planned this in my head when I was playing BotW to distract me from failing to write other WIP fics that I frankly care much more about. 

And as Link keeps eluding them (he secretly takes up “work” at various Hyrule stables, he’s the one who goes to collect horses off of mountaintops and shit when people ask to “board” them like the player would, so he keeps escaping with both his natural athletic skills and his retinue of infinite horses lmao) Zelda and Sidon will feel less “poor dear Link, we must find him and make sure he’s okay” and more “That clever BITCH, I almost had him, he’s too good, soon I’ll have him in my arms you hear me my dear Link I’m coming for you” 

That’s the kind of fic I’d like to read anyway, so here I am writing it :/ 

[temarisnara]

for the ask: gimme ino, sai, karin

oh i LOVE to talk about these fuckers

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff best quality: ino is many, many things. she’s chaotic, a bitch, loud mouth, rude, a bully. but at her very core she is kind. she saw a lonely little girl and reached out and built her up, gave her love, taught her confidence, protected her from bullies. and even after sakura threw that love in her face and declared them rivals, before they even made up, ino purposefully riled sakura up because she knew it was what sakura needed. when the uchiha massacre happened, ino was the only one that like. actually showed sasuke compassion? and we haven’t watched the episodes so idk the context but i know she goes into’s sai’s mind and saves him with her kindness. like. INO IS JUST SO KIND I CANT GET OVER IT. worst quality: none she’s perfect <3 actually hold on her bullying choji for his weight. shut up ino he’s perfect!!!!!  ship them with: SAKURA and i’m down for ino/karin. i think they could match each other’s energies.  brotp them with: SAKURA, shikamaru, choji, and sai. i keep thinking about naruto/ino friendship now too....why were we robbed..... needs to stay away from: she has such lesbian vibes i’m shocked when ppl ship her with men misc. thoughts: i’m shocked ino exists. like, kishimoto is undeniably misogynistic. i’m not stupid. he doesn’t think women are people! shikamaru genuinely feels like an echo piece for kishimoto’s thoughts on women lmao. but despite that, he made ino one of the best written, well rounded characters in all of naruto. in any other series written by a misogynistic man, ino would be demonized, or at the very least, humbled. but ino never is. she’s never punished. the narrative never treats her like you’re supposed to dislike her. yes, she’s loud. yes, she’s bitchy. yes, she bullies sakura, our heroine. but then we find out why she treats sakura like that, and it’s sakura’s fucking fault. sakura was in the wrong here! like idk just. everything about ino’s writing SHOCKS me. i fucking love her so much and i wish she’d be more relevant to the plot because if she was she’d jump up to #2, MAYBE even fight sakura for #1.

sai

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff (i’m just bullshiting here, i have no idea, but i do think with sai’s arc hufflepuff makes the most sense) best quality: god. his love for team 7? like, his entire arc of learning to be a person is so good, and so much of it is driven by love. he knows naruto and sakura for a fucking week and goes “ok well i’m devoting my fucking life to them and helping them get sasuke  back i guess!”. idk man sai is just such an underrated character.  worst quality: this is, again, a criticism of the writing but he’s SO underutilized. i can’t write essays about him like i can the rest of team 7 because he doesn’t get the focus they do (which is fair, i guess, they drive the story). i yell everytime he comes on screen because i’m always fucking surprised to see him. if kishimoto didn’t know what to do with sasuke, he had even less of a clue with sai, and it’s unfortunate because i LOVE him. ship them with: dude he is. so in love with naruto it’s painful. i’m on the lookout for other ppl to ship him with. brotp them with: naruto, sakura, yamato, ino, and, ok, listen, this is pure bullshit but like......sai/karin friendship. Listen. LISTEN. sai was treated as a weapon, karin an object, both to be used and disposed of, never treated like a person- fuck!!! come ON!!!!  needs to stay away from: uhhhhh he’s a gay man so i dont ship him with women but i’ve also seen ppl ship him with yamato and yeah i’m calling the cops misc. thoughts: god i just. wish kishimoto had done more with him. :/ also sai/ino as a ship came out of fucking NO WHERE but dicey and i have made it our own wlw/mlm raising a child together and its FUN. they’re best friends.

karin

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff best quality: bruhhhh karin is so fucking resourceful and COOL. like there’s a reason sasuke sought her out, she’s a goddamn genius and master of her skillset.  worst quality: karin is, without a doubt, the character to suffer the most thanks to misogyny. everytime she was on screen i wanted to die because i love her so much but GOD. her sexual harassment of sasuke is AWFUL. the way she’s reduced to a horny sex kitten or what the fuck ever for comedic effect is DISGUSTING.  kishimoto should donate every goddamn penny he’s ever made because of her to a women’s organization. FUCK. ship them with: suigetsu, juugo, sakura, and ino. we love a bi babe! brotp them with: team taka, naruto (GIVE ME THE UZUMAKI COUSINS YOU COWARDS), and sai! needs to stay away from: sasuke. god. sasuke/karin frustrates me because it could’ve been like. bearable. i wanted to ship them because i hated sasusaku and i knew they were the alternative. but karin is so fucking WEIRD about sasuke and makes him uncomfortable and also it just reduces her to a fucking horny fangirl, and like, i know sasuke was disassociating when he shot karin and i appreciate that he apologized but girl its time to MOVE ON. misc. thoughts: [hello darkness my old friend just plays on fucking loop everytime i think about her] honestly karin could’ve been played SO much better if her thing for sasuke was originally an act she used to get him to underestimate her so she could analyze the situation and she fell for him in the process and acted like a NORMAL HUMAN BEING around him. god. i’m so mad about karin’s potential. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #254

“i hate that it seems you were never enough; we were broken and bleeding, but never gave up.”

What’s the best gift you’ve ever gotten? My late dog Teddy. Well technically, it was a container of puppy chow behind the tree, but in essence, him. Has there ever been a person you regret ever being friends with? I don't think so? Do you think you have a good understanding of love? Yes. What do you want to do on your honeymoon? Relax and enjoy quality time w/ my spouse somewhere great. Do you think Medical Marijuana should be legalized? Yes. If you were forced to dye your hair another color, what color would you get? At this current time, silver. What do you think of your parent(s)? I love them, a lot. Who do you talk to on the phone most often? Actually talk, Mom. But I text Sara more. What’s a song that makes you feel happy? Uhhh "</code>" by MIW came to me first. What celebrity would you like to meet? M-M-M-mARk What is your favorite clothing store? I can't really say. I like Hot Topic's content most, but they're really not all that broad in size range, so it seems unfair to say them. What’s a good idea you’ve had recently? Hell if I know, I don't make those. Do you like to wear high heels? No. What are you most excited about right now? Nothing. Would you like to live in a different country? If so which one? Honestly, if it didn't mean leaving Mom behind, I'd go to Canada by now. Recent events have me fucking livid with America's healthcare system. What’s your favorite song from a movie? Like, it was made for the movie? Man, I dunno. Probably something off Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, though. The soundtrack is magical. Where would you like to volunteer? Realistically, I don't know. A zoo would be incredible, but I handle heat incredibly poorly and also canfuckingnot pick up feces or touch vomit. So, that takes a big chunk out of what volunteers can do there. What’s the last song you listened to? "Another Life" by MIW is on repeat right now and I need to turn it the fuck off because I'm in a bad PTSD episode. Do you like being alone? Sometimes, yes, but not for too long. How do you find new music? YouTube recommendations, usually. What’s your favorite city? I don't have a favorite. I've only ever once been to an even remotely impressive one: Chicago. What’s the last YouTube video you watched? Some tarantula one. I'm fucking addicted to tarantulas now and need a Mexican red knee like now. Once we (hopefully) move, I'm gonna at least try talking Mom into it. Where are you going on your next trip? I don't know. If you had to make a six-hour cross-country journey, would you rather take the train, fly or drive? How come? Fly, if I had the window seat. It's relaxing. How long do your earphones tend to last before the connection goes and you have to replace them? Considering I'm like, constantly using them, Mom says they die fast, judging by how frequently I let her know I need a new pair. She got me a big box of them for Christmas, even. I've got one extra pair left. If you could dye your hair any color in the world, assuming it would look perfect with your coloring, what would you pick and why? Pastel pink bc aesthetic. Are you a fan of musicals? If you are, what ones have you seen live and which ones would you like to see? No. Have you ever had to give up something you were addicted to? Did you actually succeed? Yes. Have you ever had to work (or study) with someone that you really didn’t get along with? How did you deal with it (ignoring them, being nice, etc.)? Maybe at some point, idk. Have you ever had any problems with your wisdom teeth, or have they been taken out already? No. Which one of your senses would you miss the most if you lost it? Hearing, probably. That'd feel so lonely. Do you find your mood changes when you’re hungry or tired? Does eating or sleeping automatically cure you of a bad mood? I can definitely become irritable if I'm extremely hungry and/or tired. Sleeping helps me with a lot of problems, lmao. What’s the stupidest fight you’ve ever gotten into? Did you make up with that person or did you end up losing them over it? Oh idk. Probably something RP-related as a kid. Have you ever gotten really bad travel sickness? Has this put you off travelling or going by certain modes of transport in case it happens again? No, thankfully. What’s your opinion on prostitution? Should it be legal and regulated, or is it something that needs to be gotten rid of completely? I don't support it. Just leaving it at that. If it was a case of prostitution or being evicted from your home, which option would you pick (assuming you’d tried everything else to make money first)? Evict me. Morally, prostituting would kill me. I have family who thankfully I know would let me stay with them. Are you into piercings and tattoos? If not, do you judge people who are, and vice versa? Hell yeah, so I obviously don't judge people who are. What’s your opinion on places like Seaworld? Do you think keeping whales and dolphins in such small enclosures is cruel or a necessary evil? First: I'm not very educated on how similar *all* Seaworlds are. But in regards to keeping whales, it's inhumane as all fuck. They are WAY too big to be held in such a small space for our goddamn amusement. I support zoos who do what they do for conservation and educational purposes, but from my memory of Seaworld, that's not their primary concern. Who is one person that you no longer hang out with? Why did that association end? My former best friend. There's a novel on why I don't associate with her anymore, but the top reason would be she's just a drama magnet that does no wrong. Wonders why her life is so insane and tumultuous while never looking into herself as the potential reason. What was the last item you put into your pants pocket? I don't really wear pants with pockets, but I'm sure in the last case, it woulda been my phone or money. Who was the last person to endanger your life, whether it was accidentally or intentionally? Well I'm certain it was accidental, but idk what the most recent situation would be. What was the last thing you started over on? Job searching, I guess. What was the last task that you completed? Does eating breakfast count? Esp. when you really didn't want it but needed it? Have you ever failed at something extremely important to you? If yes, what? Ah, what a timely question. I dropped out of school for the third fucking time a few days back. When was the last time that you wanted time to move faster? Last night in my regular routine of waking up in the middle of the night twice/thrice. I sleep so poorly that I just want the morning to come at some point so it's "normal" for me to be up. ^Slower? Hm. I dunno. I don't have much reason to want time to slow lately. When was the last time you felt impatient with someone? Currently w/ Mom, but it's at a low level and probably isn't fair feeling impatient in the first place. Who was the last person that you called a “bitch”? I don't know. Probably playfully, anyway. ^Who, if anyone, was the last person to address you by that term? I also don't know. When was the last time you questioned whether or not you were making the right decision? Every time I make one lmao. Has a boy-/girlfriend ever suggested that you might want to lose some weight, or that it might make you look better? lol wow no. What is your idea of “too big” when it comes to weight? Once it comes to a point of infringing on your ability to function normally. ^How about “too thin”? Same as ^, really, it just goes in the opposite direction. Have you ever experienced an overly clinging boy-/girlfriend? Yeah, we lasted two weeks lmao. What is the most annoying thing your family members do on a daily basis, if anything? I only live with Mom, and she doesn't regularly do annoying stuff. With which family member do you get along with the least? The best? Least, my grandma. We've gotten kinda better though now that she's dying. Best, Mom. ^Why do you think that you don’t get along well with that family member? We have very, very averse beliefs and standards. Who is someone that you wish would be there for you more often? My sisters, honestly. Shit's going on with them, I always reach out to let them know I'm here. Something's wrong with me, I never hear a word. Have you ever felt like someone abandoned you? If yes, explain? BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH- How often do you find that you are bored? Daily, nearly at all times. This is gonna sound pathetic, but I tend to be so bored so regularly that I experience passively suicidal thoughts now and again because I just feel being dead would almost be more exciting. That's something I'll never act on, but yeah. I have mega bad anhedonia. What activity has the best chance of holding your attention for a long period of time? Hm. Playing a game, maybe. Or if I'm watching a really good video on YT. Have you ever decided that you like/dislike someone based on their survey answers? Yup. What previews did you see at the last movie you saw in theaters? Hell if I remember. How many things are you a fan of on Facebook? Wow, a fucking lot. Back in the day I would "like" lots of those pages that just had funny/relatable names, and man does it pay off (usually) now. I Got The Memes. Do you have more friends on Myspace or Facebook? Probably Facebook? I don't really remember the friending process on MySpace besides the "top 8" thing that destroyed friendships, lmao. Have you ever been to a movie that sold out? Maybe? Idk. Have you ever been to a midnight movie? One. What’s your state’s weather usually like this time of year? Too fucking hot. Do you get those leg cramps in the middle of the night? No. What movie last made you too scared to go to sleep? *shrug* Is your cell phone a qwerty (full keyboard) or no? Yeah. What was the last website you logged onto (besides the one you’re on)? PetSmart to apply for a position as pet trainer. I hate chain pet stores, but whatever, I'm desperate. What’s your home page? Google. Do you have split ends? No. When you’re on a laptop, do you hook up a mouse or use the touchpad? I prefer to have a mouse. If you’re learning a language, what year are you in? I'm not anymore. Do you think you’re done growing or will you grow a couple more inches? I'm sure I'm done. What’s your mom’s mom’s name? Cecelia. Have you ever encountered a creepy neighbor? OKAY at my old place where I used to ride my bike all the time, there was this old man way down the road that liked to talk to me but he creeped me out so much that I started turning back before I got in sight of his place. Do you like the foam soap or the liquidy soap? Foam. Do you tend to lean towards bright colors or more subtle colors? Bright. Do you use British spelling even though you’re not British? No; I even change it in surveys a lot, lol. When was the last time you attended a barbecue? I don't have a clue. I don't like them. Can you handle movies involving lots of bugs and insects? Yeah. Are you borrowing books from anybody at the moment? No. What is one similarity between your parents? Christ... they seem incomparable by this point. Do you keep scissors in your kitchen? If so, where? Yes, in the drawer beside the fridge. When was the last time you used a payphone and who were you calling? I've never used one. Have you met everyone who lives on your street? No. Do you have a boyfriend? No. When did you last write out your name? Recently for something at school. Do you like being kissed on the neck? Yeah. What friend can you tell everything to? Sara. Would you be shocked if the last person you had feelings for texted you? No. What if you had a baby with the last person you texted? We're both cis females so physically can't. And neither of us want kids. Who knows your biggest secrets? Mom, Sara, Jason. Do you have any hickeys on you? No. Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? Yeah. Who is someone that puts up with you no matter what? My mom. When was the last time you cried? Two days ago I sobbed for a good while. Can you honestly say you’re okay right now? Not really. Is there a girl you would do anything for? Anything? No. Is there a boy you would do anything for? No. Who IMed you on Facebook last? My friend Ian, but I haven't read it yet. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Have you ever been to an auto show? Yooo I remember as a kid, my family went with our friends to a monster truck show, I think it was? I was so not digging it and wanted to go home the whole time. What was the last thing you cooked for dinner? I had one of those Banquet microwavable dinners last night. Spicy chicken and mac 'n cheese. It's fuckin GOOD and really filling. Do you live in the city/town you were born in? No. Have you slept for longer than usual today? No, I slept terrible. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Have you consumed alcohol today? If so, what? No. What’s your go-to website when you’re really bored? YouTube is my general go-to. Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year? My sister. Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? No. Have you ever been dumped really harshly? WHEEZE Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument? Yes. Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family? Yeah. Do you live with your parents? With my mom. Can you do a blackflip, or anything else of that sort? No. What moment in your life have you been most scared? The night of the breakup, particularly when Mom dragged me back inside and I just literally melted. Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? No. Do you ever make your own surveys, or just take them? I just take them. Have you ever actually thought you were pregnant? Were you? Yes, but it was entirely illogical, so I obviously wasn't. Anxiety and being terrified of pregnancy is fun. Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer. Do you like to cook, or do you prefer when other people cook for you? I don't cook. How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? Who the fuck knows anymore. Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? No; yes. Have you ever ripped your pants in public? I don't think so? Do movies such as Saw and The Grudge scare you easily? No. How many best friends do you have? What are their names? One; Sara. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever been dared to do? Did you do it? No clue. Can you drive? I mean I can, but I'm terrified of it, and my permit is expired anyway. What do you consider to be a good grade? What do you consider to be a bad grade? B; C and below. Have you ever had a teacher who hated you? No. Can you remember who your grade 5 teacher was? Did you like them? Yes, I adored them both. Do you know anybody that has severe allergies? Multiple people. Who was the last person you slow danced with? laskdjflka;jwe What’s your favourite song at the moment? Ah shit man idk. Do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds. Headphones aggravate my ears. Do you ever ride the city bus? How much does it cost you? We don't even have one here. How do you get to school? N/A What is the last book you read? Did you enjoy it? The first Wings of Fire book, and yes, very much. Do you scream out the answers while watching game shows on TV? Scream, no. I'll say them sometimes, though. Who in your life do you care about more than yourself? Mom, Sara. Jason, probably, as much as I hate to admit that. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? HYPOTHETICALLY, if I even wanted kids, yes. I'm very empathetic and care a shitload about mental health, so I think I'd be a very good cheerleader for them. Which wild animal would you most like to have as a pet? Again hypothetically, a meerkat, but I DO NOT support them as pets and get very upset when I see them as such. What bill do you hate paying the most? I don't have any. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar? Never. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, who and where would it be? Sara to the mountains of NC. Favorite non-sexual thing to do with girl/boy? Play games together. Who from high school would you like to run in to? A handful of people.