#i havent done my uni work
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got a sortof interview for a research assistant job tomorrow and sooooooooo scareds :D
#delete later#sortof bc its basically already mine since my mom works there and said the current assistant sucks so bad theyll take Anyone with a degree#and theyre desperate#and its super casual and low intensity but still stressed tf out#bc i havent done anything non routine since december and my anxiety has gotten soooo bad and im soooo bad at talking to people#and ik the antidote is doing things again which is why am i doing this but. scary#and time is moving too fast and im so lost and i hate my stupid fuckass grocery store job and idk what to dew w my life rn#cannot stop reminiscing abt the life unlived and the time lost and while i do that i am not living anf losing time#ππππππ#cannot stop thinking abt how my school life is simply over and i missed it i wasted it its Over π no more chances#didnt make ONE friend in 5 years of university didnt join anything didnt do anything except mentally deteriorate#uni is supposed to be the source of so much life and experience. and yooo i missed it πyooooo omg its too late for me πππ#i rememebr before crossing the stage at high school graduation i was like. rn im in the part of my life before graduation#and in a minute suddenly im gonna be in the after#and then i realized recently. im in The After of university. the moment passed and i missed it#there is no more chances theres no more βnext semester ill make friendsβ theres no more Anything it is Over#time keeps going so fast and yallll i cant go back lol πππ brooo wtf nobody told me u can never go back π#dawg i havent felt alive even once since leaving high school π yo i peaked at age 17 π yo jm about to turn 23 and my last memory is being 19#yooooo whered the time go ππππ brooo where does it keep going lol come back wait up im runnin out of time πππππππππ#x
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so it turns out it was actually never that serious
#the exam literally went fine what the fuck just happened i feel like i just hallucinated that#like im not one of those people that go 'omg i did soooo badly :(' just to come out with top grades if i say it's going to shit#then it's becuase i genuinely wholeheartedly believe it#and my headspace before this exam was the worst it's been in MONTHS like i havent felt that bad for an exam since first year#and i sat down opened the paper and. remembered everything. like i literally just Knew the answers#im not saying ive passed bc am i fuck about to jinx it and i was still riding mainly blind bc i have NO idea where that knowledge came from#but at the very least there was a 35 marker that i KNOW i aced like i could picture the exact lecture slides it wanted me to discuss#and i had all of them memorised so at the very least ive got like. 30 marks. which is enough for me to pass the module#bc this exam is only weighted 75% and with my marks from the other 25% i only needed like 20 marks to pass this exam#which... makes it even more embarrassing that i failed it the first time but whatever!!!!#oh my god im so glad that's done im so happy IM FREE#just been in the kitchen dancing around to my little tunes and texting my friends <3#im meeting up with one of them when she gets off work at 5 and we're going for drinks#so ive got until then to nap and chill and then ill go to the shop and get us some food and wine#and she's gonna come here for a bit & then we'll go. like actually look at me. im having people over at MY HOUSE im going out to buy us WIN#im literally a functioning adult living independently who IS she a misty memory#alas i do only have Β£23 in my account so this is gonna be such a slay seeing how i make that stretch for a night out#i acc could budget for england when it comes to alcohol i think like the way i manage to have a good funky time with MINIMAL funds#is downright impressive. it's a skill idc what you say#hella goes to uni
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i have an insanely long backlog of fic in my bookmarks dating back to like...april? at least? i just need my job to Not Exist for a minute, screaming crying YANKING at my chains rn, just wanna spend a week in a cabin reading endless interpretations of characters. life responsibilities blink out of existence,,,im begging
#personal#djkdjfd can't wait for this wedding stuff to be OVER and done with the drama that comes with it is genuinely melting my brain#and work. UGH. we're almost through the biggest hurdle with that at least#godgodgod and uni's starting up and i havent made up by mind about going back yet#raaH i just need everything to be put on pause. for just. thirty seconds#at least i havent been forced to give up writing yet#or id genuinely lose my mind#anyway#pennforyourthoughts
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#coming to tumblr for the first time in three days just to bitch because i feel like shit <333#sorry if i havent responded to your message i will as soon as i get a grip but rn im just too busy#both with uni and with crying because a friend said a mean thing to me lol#and because im tired of this new friendship already and tired of hearing this girl talking how great she is lol#am i jealous? fuck yeah i am.#and it's not like she's mean like straight up. cause like.#when i say im really considering quitting and dropping out she tries to encourage me ig#but then she follows it up with 'ofc *I* never had a problem with this and that because it always just came naturally to me teehee#but yknow. dont give up uwu'#and she keeps sending me recordings of her singing to tell her how good she is and always tells me how her teacher praises her#and like. its cool. like i get it that its a nice feeling when you do something well and wanna share that joy with a friend#but idk. i just think its kinda. well not mean but a litt#*a little tone deaf? when ive just been telling her that im in a Bad Place rn and my voice isnt working as it should#and my pianist is bullying me and i end up crying on almost every lesson#and she hits me with a 'damn that sucks fuck that pianist dont give up tho <3#now do you wanna listen to me sing bel raggio lusinghier like a pro and my professor telling me i am sublime?'#also when i tell her that im sorry that im not very social and i just cannot stay and chat cause im having a horrible day today#and really dont feel well and she's like 'yeah i havent noticed anything you're always like that... *side eye*' in a way that suggests#im a horrible friend cause im not talking with her enough and yet again im disappointing her (aint that familiar lol)#i just. idk. the last two-three weeks have been absolutely horrible to me. i cant get out of bed i havent done a single colorful make up#in so long ive basically forgotten how to do that. and i loved doing fun make up looks that make people tell me i look like a clown.#but i just dont have the energy to do anything more than put on a random tshirt and spray dry shampoo on my unwashed hair#i dont even wear my rings anymore. ive stopped caring about being the pinkest slayest queerest looking bitch in the room cause i just. cant#and even some casual friend of mine asked me yesterday if im okay cause they can see something is Not Right. but SHE not only doesnt notice#anything. i have a feeling she feels like im disappoing and neglecting her because i cant be bothered to text with her 24/7#like idk. maybe its just my imagination but i barely even feel like an actual person. more like just a homunculus made to trail after her#and listen to her bragging about how pretty/talented/unbothered she is#oh and also for her to keep dissing m/ozart lol like idk why it hurts me so bad but then ig its not that unusual to feel shitty#when someone keeps talking shit about something you really love and are passionate about and making you feel like an idiot#because you like it. because its stupid and boring and you're a simpleton for enjoying it instead of liking sth more 'ambitious'
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I fucking hate linguistics so so much I just wanna implode in on myself right now ghhhhhh I don't know how I'm meant to write like 1900 more words of absolute nothing but I guess I'll have all night to figure it out :'L
#forrest speaks#uni talk#thus begins the all nighter and god help me because i havent done an all nighter like this in over half a year#i will stay awake from fear of failing and my spite towards this cursed form of english xD#i wish i wasnt mentally ill and that i did my work on time man this year has fuckin sucked for my mental health#granted im doing way better than before and dont wish to leave this mortal plane anymore which is amazing#but i just wish i had felt good like this all year and that the stuff that set the bad headspace stuff off never happened#mmm its just a very bittersweet feeling i guess..idk#anyways..im gonna try and write some more now and see if i can get any closer to the minimum word count x3#i WILL spite through this and if i fail it then i know ive tried my best and im at peace with that
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i havent done anything uni related this entire long weekend (since tuesday).... my mental health is in fucking shambles my godddd but i truly cant make myself do anything at all. once again, whenever december and january come around its like my brain stops working and i become paralized and i mentally cant do any uni related stuff
#worst part is that theres this group project we need to do#and im COMPLETELY AWARE im being the asshole group partner by not doing anything#ive been thinking abt it ever since tuesday and i havent done shit. i havent even opened the folder where the stuff is at#even though ive basically been online for the most part of my days#likeeeeee at this point ive built myself a mental barrier around uni and im just incapable of doing shit#maybe if i go tomorrow morning to the uni library ill be able to work some.#like i dont do stuff and i feel like shit for not doing stuff. but doing stuff (at least at home) also makes me feel like absolute shit#i dont know what it is at this point or what i can do about it honestly#z xarre
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Why is it when I have a big task to complete that should take days to do, I procrastinate the hell out of it when I have plenty of time but when it comes down to the absolute last minute, I can do a couple of days work in a couple of hours? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why couldn't I do it casually over a couple of days but can do it in matter of hours?
#ace is a mess#Tag talk#personal#i started to organising/clearing out my room at my parent's four days ago did half of one aspect of it did the other half of it two days#later then did nothing else and yet today ive done pretty much everything else that shouldve taken days in 3 hours? wtf#im losing my room when i go back to uni its being repurposed for someone else and so i needed to actually all of the sht i havent organised#since we moved in in 2018 then made even more disorganised when i moved to uni in 2020 i havent organised ANYTHING the entire time weve bee#here because i was supposed to be getting different furniture and then that just never happened and then im rarely here and just end up l#living out of my suitcase and between switching out cold weather and hot weather clothing over breaks its just become more chaotic and has#been too big of a job for me to even contemplate tackling and now im leaving tomorrow and i have literally choice and have done 5 years wor#in a couple of hours like why? why do i intentionally stress myself out like this? why cant i make decisions if im not at peak stress level#why dont i have any motivation unless im literally feeling ill with stress? why do i work like this?#also yes i know its ridiculous ive been living like this sincee sept 2018 but consider most of the problem was closed inside drawers and#therefore i couldnt see it so it didnt exist. that and im not here much i guess
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#srry to be all vent posts and no art but the stress is high rn#i feel a little better now. i forgot how much i love working with the culture collection#i go in when theres no one there and i just spend a few hours listening to podcasts as i move slime from tube to tube#it forces me to do one thing bc once i start i cant stop. i just like it a lot. i havent done for like the last 2 semesters bc we had the#money to pay a student to do it. and at the time i was in the thick of taking photosynthesis measures and it was causing me a lot of pain#and transfering was like the one lab task i liked to do so it felt like i was being punished. i could no longer do the thing most aligned#with my interests. and i just let it go bc in my brain im not allowed to do things that i enjoy. if i enjoy it its not hard enough.#so i just let it go. and let myself be crushed under the weight of things i don't enjoy and now here we r#a little light has returned to me#and its not all bad. i am looking forward to giving a lecture next week. i like communicating info to others and deciding what to talk abt#ill try to make it fun. if i have the time. and im looking forward to my meeting tomorrow morning. everyone ive met with so far does really#cool research. id be happy to wind up anywhere. but if i get into the big scary uk uni then i have to go there bc the project is so perfect#i dont dare get my hopes up. and tho my interview today wasnt the best i learned some really cool things by talking to the guy and im more#prepared moving forward.#however i did agree to make both my sisters sticker sheets for xmas and that is gonna take so much time i might die. so ya kno rip#but like i said. not all bad.#unrelated
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blood tests today ur boy is Nervous
#it always works out fine like its an easy thing to do#but i always get nervous ab the results lmao#horrible brain every time is all 'theyre gonna take you off T ur gonna have to go without' and i Panic#and im already very uh. emotionally unbalanced bc my last T shot was due before i came back from the trip#and so I've basically skipped a shot and my emotions r everywhere#which is a big part of why i havent been around much i think#i would've done it all sooner but alas. no income#and the doctors appointment is like $60 bc i dont have a community services card anymore bc i finished uni#and then theres the cost of the T and the cost of going to the nurse to get the injection#i miss the uni doctor where everything was pretty much free#if studylink would let me take out another student loan I'd be getting another degree just for the doctor#but alas#i have hit my limit on what theyre willing to give me
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there's a Lot going on and I'm Overwhelmed
#ive done crew w this group before and its not necessarily worse than usual just. idk I'm not having fun#i think i might. make this the last one#i dont have the energy for this and i need to really focus on uni this year#and while these musicals have been very cool ive. ive crewed for years and i havent made a friend#everyone seems to be good friends but. not me#i dont feel like i belong here and i never really have#those feelings have been pretty strong the entire time ive worked w them#and my day to day life ive been feeling like i dont belong too and like where i used to fit is. gone idk#depresso mode is hittin hard#negative cw
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Guuuuys, I sent my application for my exchange semester!!! No idea if I'll do it, but I still kinda hope to get accepted, so I'm nervous now ahahaha
#i finished my letter of motivation last night#and i copied some parts from the one I had to write for my other exchange semester for dublin#and I actually don't hate what I wrote that much anymore#like i think my arguments are okay and i really hope they accept my transcript of records for my bachelors#because i have currently still a pretty good grade (because i havent written the thesis yet and once I've done this#my grade will plummet to the pits of hell because my prof will roast me so much I'll consider dropping out of uni lol)#but i still think it's unlikely to get into my 1st choice university#but oh well#a girl can dream#('girl (genderneutral)')#anyway#i can finally focus on work now#i am 80 hours behind lmao (help)#so i gotta get going#shut up amy
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#i think ive been lonelier this year without school forcing me to see my friends five days a week#because this year ive felt like i shouldnt be going out with friends if i havent finished my uni stuff#but theres always work and im always slow and terrible at it#i should be budgeting my time better i guess but#so ive gone to maybe 7 tops social events this entire year and im not feeling good abt it#i dont want to lose my friends#idk#im not feeling good atm bc everybody else is done with uni work and ive still got stuff overdue#ONE thing actually but ive gotten so in my head about it#on top of that im not doing half the amount of physical activity i was before and my body has changed in ways.#i like my job at least#but its been months and i still havent rationalised setting aside time to get actual access to the money ive made lol#which is another reason i havent been going out#idk ive been trapped in a cycle
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Whelp.
#finally got into a new physio to start the process of getting a new assessment done#Ive lost more sensation down my right leg which is not great#but ive been struggling more lately so its not really surprising#like my pain normally sits at a 6 most days but lately Ive been having a lot of 8 on the pain scale days#also my drop foot has been really bad. like almost need my cane again bad.#im a little worried about uni placement. 500 hours of work when I havent worked properly in 4 years#shits going to be rough#personal#eds#fnd#chronic pain
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i feeel terribleeeeeee
#MY EYES ARE TIRED MY NOSE FEELS STUFFY IM HOT IM ANXIOUS#also i havent done work at ALL#week is almost ovver going back to uni next week aaaaahhh im stresseddd#i still have so much homeworkd to dikjfhf#its my fault tho i shouldnt complain#my brain is all over the place someone force me to concentrate lol#at least feeding this tiny puppy keeps me a bit calm
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I've had lazy autumn just to jump in ITS THE SECOND WEEK OF THE YEAR YOU HAVE TO DO 186469 THINGS FOR WORK AND 789 THINGS FOR SCHOOL AND 4 THINGS FOR ENSURING A NICE WEEKEND TRIP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
#how is your 2024 im suddently overwhelmed with tasks which makes me feel kind of powerful ngl#im like. barely managing everything. but im managing!#i have an exam on wednesday. i havent covered all the exam questions yet but its like. ethics. meh.#but i have to do my best. and its a bit much.#considering i will work until wee hours of the night tomorrow#okay technically im working until 9pm but i feel like ill be done at like 20pm. or maybe 20:30#and i have so many events tomorrow.#there are new girls to help but they are. new girls. they have to be supervised and trained#and i start at 8 am tomorrow ;(#and the day after that#and on friday too#but on thursday i have to be at uni at 9am#to learn the last of methods i dont know abt yet#i dont think i can hold in any more information in my head but man i hope i will#also my cat has been acting weird. she gets into sleeping position and hisses. my hypothesis is that its bc of the spicy calamari that were#left in the open on the table for a long time and my mom saw how she ate a rather large bit#so i just hope shes suffering from spicy tummy and nothig more#moreover i just recruited two of my coworkers to do research with me#which lead to a problem: how am i supposed to draw blood three times in a span of 4 hours#obviously cathether would be the best option#however my supervisor told me that in previous experiments it kind of got crumpled after use#and it was more painful to insert a new cathether than to just puncture veins multiple times#but i think thats messed up. so i want to do a pvc#my solution was like aha maybe a butterfly needle - it wont crumple!#but then the guy was like girl it will only stay in if the participant is not moving.#and i was like yeah no prob but like nope actually. the participants have to eat and stand and i have to let them go to the bathroom#so im trying to find a middle ground here and maybe inserting a regular cannula but getting the blood with a regular syringe would do it#bc like syringe is slower than vacutainer and maybe it wont crumple the cathether#but like no one does it with a syringe#although i did find some articles abt using that method when patients have problems
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my brain is broken broken i literally just had the thought that im looking forward to hearing the christmas music this year. girl its january 2nd go see a neurologist
#i joke a lot about having no concept of time but sometimes it is actually a bit scary#i want to chalk it up to the fact that i normally spend holiday periods working on projects so i dont participate in celebrations much#i think im gonna do myself a favor and stop overburdening myself with work once im done with this project i have to turn in on march#i do wanna pass my uni classes in september too but once thats over i wont sign up for more stuff to do outside of work#for a couple years at least#or my head is gonna explode#do you want a me/cfs relapse? this is how you get a me/cfs relapse#hell maybe ill even take a year off work in 2026#to do fuck all and just recover mentally from what the last few years have been#when i say i havent stopped for a minute i mean it#my job has never crunched me im just incapable of not filling every waking hour with projects classes and stuff#its on me 100% i need to stop
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