#i havent been for a walk in a month
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going for a walk (around my apartment building)
#i've been depressed lately nd i dont wanna do anything#i havent been for a walk in a month#but i need to get back into it again#im starting small tho#so even if i rllyyyyyyy dont feel like going outside#i'll just put my shoes on and i'll take a lap around the house even if that'll only take like 3 minutes sksksk#better than nothing tho#small steps!!!!
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team fortress 2 finally getting rid of the bots after 5 years
work on the team fortress 2 comic continuing after 7+ years
half life 3 development looking more likely than ever with legitimate code, file, and voicework leaks referencing a new non-VR single-player game from valve featuring a HEV suit wearing protagonist and Xen creatures and concepts
shoutout to the valve fan that found the genie lamp. you a real one
#liz blogs#valve#team fortress 2#tf2#half life#half life 3#what did i say. what did i fucking say.#once again the impossible becomes commonplace#valve exists as a company to walk into the gaming industry. slap their dicks on the table. and yell THIS IS HOW ITS DONE#and the gaming industry has never been in a more sorry state than it is now. maybe second only to the 80s i think. something something ET#in b4 its called Half Life Xen as all the files reference ''hlx''. hl3 fakeout. but its another half life game.#half life 3 has been ''made'' multiple times in various states but its never been up to standards. whatever this project is though sounds l#like its very far in development. maybe they didnt give up this time#ive never been closer in my life to actually saying half life 3 confirmed. its not confirmed but its looking really good for once#crazy year to be a valve fan i'll tell you what#its only the actual objective most anticipated game of all time. no biggie#edit - added a link for the comic news for those who dont know. and the bot bans havent been announced in one place anywhere#but you can literally just look it up on youtube or twitter. valve has been mass-banning bots for the last month. fixtf2 worked
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i didnt write my essay for this 👍👍
im so festive with my red and green color combos n whatnot
#my art#digital art#digital painting#fanart#resident evil 7#ethan winters#i still cringe when i add those tags. i hope no one sees me#i have actually been drawing him constantly for days(weeks)(months) like still and yet what do i have to show for it#a whole lotta sketches and nothing FINISHED and so many ideas i havent even drawn#im like paralyzed#by the ONSLAUGHT of ideas that i wanna see so bad but if i wanna see em i gotta do them and i cant pick which one to focus on so im like#damn i guess ill just walk around my kitchen like a deranged idiot#i could say soooo much about him and then still have more to say#i find new things to say about him everytime i even think about sayin one thing#and then i never say anything#again. paralyzed.#and really do i even wanna talk about him anyways whats there to even say really like really really. NOTHING. i have nothing to say.#when you ignore all the things id love to say i have nothing to say and thats really all there is to say on the matter.#mic drop#ANYWAYS thats the post i hope im talkin to no one. unless. hiii nugget 👋👋
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y'all week one of being on adderall and with all genuine feeling this is wild in a very good way
#i go outside and like it?? its not a chore like walking an unwilling dog that is myself#i did have one massive cleaning bout but it was kind of a#'i wanted this done for the past month and now its just. done.'#opened up google docs and did the dnd prep the day before#and then opened up photoshop and started drawing#got BORED doomscrolling#i havent been consciously bored in years i just would dissociate and forget time and think i was busy#at all points i thought someone was going to call me a fake but actually turns out maybe not
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Wahoo Tide Time oh yeah Tide updated ref . Look at my beast <3
#art#Seawing#hihi its 1:30 am and im very sleepy . I am vert exited to finally post some art though <3#I havent been able to finish anything in like . months . but nowthe weather is warming back up and im getting more motivation to create and#finish art.#and this bastard has been in the making for a while .#just a silly guy. . <3!!!!!!!! I will rewrite the alts when im more. awake . prbh#Tide#Oc#Ref#lil outfit funfact . tides gloves are worn because their talons are webbed and used to the water so walking around can easily get super#painful for them as a Seawing so they bought and then refined some gloves !#TideArt#Designin
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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🍤
#oart#id in alt mwah#i havent drawn in a couple months but im trying to very gently get back into it#im very gently aiming to use november to try to either open and actively look at a fic wip every day#or draw or go for a walk or whatever else#im just trying to encourage myself to point at something each day that ive been actively wanting to do but keep not doing#let's see how it goes 😔#ive booked a hair appointment tomorrow and drag and draw is also holding a session in the evening#so i wanna try rock up to that! theyve been really helpful in making myself get back into drawing#anyway i hope everyone is well mwah
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Can ya'll please let women be dirty, or unkempt, or fuckn idk, not overly sexualised and feminised? Can ya'll let women have their natural bodies without objectifying them? I'm fucking begging you to stop sanitising the appearance of your female characters.
#please#im begging you#please . as a dirtbag woman i need dirtbag women solidarity#i need that precious representation#Dirtbag Women#dirtbag women please#women that have not washed their hair in weeks#women who have not brushed their hair for even longer and don't style it because they can't be bothered and havent had a cut in months#women who have not washed in a week#women with dirt on their face#women without any make up because they cannot be fucked#women wearing the clothes that have been in the corner of their room on the floor and later realise when they're out it's got marks all ove#women walking around without a bra not because they have intention but because they can't be bothered to wear one today#women coughing and sneezing into the inside of their shirts#women who absolutely do not have a skincare routine and not out of pride they just cannot be bothered#women that want a boyf or a girlf but they don't have one because it stresses them out too much or jus cant be fuckt to date#or women that don't want to date anyone because they cant be fcuked#Like I'm so glad there are more fantastic female characters being written and designed who are actually allowed to be Human#but they still look WAY too manicured#and if they don't look manicured then it's a fucking Character Journey (retchhh) for them to get Manicured#NO.#LET WOMEN NOT GIVE A FUCK HOW THEY LOOK.
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The amount of talking and negotiating I'm doing with this landlord is giving Andrew Garfield as Jonathan Larson talking to the electric company. Y'know?
#im in hell. this is my personal hell#i havent been at my current job for at least six months but i was at my last one for over six months#which should meet the requirement#she said i need a job in the city i want to move to to be accepted#maam its hard to have a job in a city i cant live in yet#so i asked if i was accepted to a job that met income requirements would that count even if i havent started yet#she didnt answer. now shes asking for dates for my last job#ive rented from this company before! ive met this woman before!!#i was never late on rent. never needed any maintenance. left my apartment in good condition#that should speak for itself#maybe im crazy. maybe im the one in the wrong here#but i dont think i am! i think landlords are a little full of themselves#this apartment doesnt have a bathroom in unit. you have to walk across the hall to use your bathroom#i think that should be a bigger concern than how many months ive been at my job#im just saying maybe no bathroom in unit is a bit of a hard sell#you eant a cosigner? ill get a cosigner. ill get a job in the city before ive moved to the city. ill jump through your fucking hoops#because i have no other option#idk maybe i should become like dexter#but just for killing landlords. cuz im getting a little sick of their attitude
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i always said that once i stop caring what other people think about me it’s over for you bitches and it’s finally happened i’m literally untouchable
#everyone else my age like oh i’m getting married ! oh i had a baby ! me i’m becoming evil#i decided months ago that i’m done i live in the worst place in the country or on earth even and these asshole people are not getting any#more out of me. i don’t smile at anyone anymore. i don’t make eye contact. i’m done with this place and these rude ass people#so today i was at the gas station and pulled up behind someone and got out and the pump didn’t work so i got back in#and waited for the girl in front of me to be done bc everywhere else had a line anyway#so when she finally leaves the asshole in the jeep behind me is yelling at me through his window and literally about to rear end me#and i’m trying to tell him that one doesn’t work so he’s still yelling at me through the window and i keep mouthing IT DOES NOT WORK#bc he simply is not getting and finally he sticks his piece of shit head out the window and LISTENS to me and i said it DOESNT WORK.#it’s BROKEN.#and i realize he thought i was just waiting to be at the first pump and holding up the line but i don’t fucking care#so then he goes. oh. and he gets out and i said you can try it but it says it’s broken.#monotone bc i’m not trying to be nice#and he’s like oh ok. then i take back everything i said about you in the car LOL#and i said. ok.#and he said nah i wasnt saying anything about you#and i said nothing#then he’s a fuck face so he’s all embarrassed and acting like we’re buddies now#so he’s like huuuh. usually there’s an attendant walking around.. and i say i havent seen anyone. not looking at him#and he goes huuuh usually they put a sign or something out that it’s broken and i said nothing so like#the slimy piece of shit he is he silently gets back in his car and waits and then i leave and i’m like#in this circumstance 100% normally my heart would have been pounding out my chest bc i’m afraid of confrontation and who isnt afraid of#men yelling at them but this time i felt nothing except anger bc why the fuck are you trying to start something with me in the fucking gas#station go to another fucking line if you’re in that big of a rush and also learn how to fucking read when it says pump out of order#before you try to fucking rear end me which go for it btw bc i have dash cams and anyway#i’m so fucking sick of living here and i’ll never get out#but. i’m proud of myself for not being afraid or scared and just dealing with that piece of shit straightforward
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And speaking of my playlist making adventures, im like, kind of irrationally scared of making fandom playlists for some reason (although i'll make oc ones and weird themed ones at the drop of a hat) despite the fact that theyre completely private so they're a bit. dire looking.
(a bunch of them used to be way longer but i lost them in an SD card implosion a while back and its been a bit slow-going rebuilding them orz but even accounting for that..... its dire......)
#the ikesen and pw and n7 ones were the longer ones. especially ikesen obvs LOL it used to be like over 70 tunes....#i should really work at remaking them... ive been biking a lot instead of taking the bus or walking#so i havent been able to fuck around with my phone when i listen to the most music orz#maybe i should just go somewhere nice like a park and hang out and listen to tunes........ that would be fun i think....#build playlists.... to listen to on shuffle while biking later LOL#also yeah those last two are pretty new additions. ol being like a year or two ago and me starting the vv one like a few months ago <3
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Most of my state is in a heat advisory and it was fine when I started walking, but once I switched to running it got too hot so I cut it at a mile. If it cools off this evening, I'll go for a longer walk to reach my step goal for today.
It's been two months since I last ran due to stress and medical stuff, but I'm glad to back up and (literally) running.
I started adding some yoga too to help my body recover and increase my mobility/flexibility. Ive also been trying to at the very least make it out every day to go for a walk until i reach 8000-10000 steps. I want to try some intermittent fasting but it's a little challenging when my part time summer job involves making catering orders 😬
Glad to be back with it, though! 😊
Sw:188.7
Cw. 181.5
Gw1: 175
Gw4: 145
#wellness#weightloss#health & fitness#fitblr#losing weight#weight loss journey#runblr#running#exercise#fitness#update#its been a minute#i am glad my weight has been being consistent even though i havent been trying too much#i would like to get down 10 pounds#i am moving in a month so I'm going to focus my efforts more for the next two weeks so its not such a difficult transition later#and o think it would be helpful to do intermittent fasting#a couple of colleagues did that and were very successful#if i could get to that point for grad school that would be helpful#i have been eating well for the most part#my vice being having eggs in the morning on toast#and sometimes i just want a subway to jjs sandwich because its hot outside#otherwise ive been good!#so well get there#hopefully in a year i will be closer toy weight#having a gym will help too#and one in my new apartment building#runblog#nike run club#i initially went for a walk but my boyfriend suggested doing some running since ive been meaning to ease back into it
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grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again
#in regards both to my cat and my grandma though i was mostly thinking about my grandma when i wrote this#i was fine the next day after she died bc like. it was expected. she was in hospice for several months#and a nurse had been staying with her 24/7 for the last 2 days. the nurse told us it probably wouldnt be long on the last day.#we knew it was coming so i didnt feel too bad right after it happened. it was only when the mortician showed up that it sunk in#but the next day i was fine. if she got brought up in conversation id get a bit sad but i was mostly fine after that day#and its been. like. a little more than 3 months since then#i havent been thinking about it much but idk. sometimes it just pops into your head and you get reminded that she isnt here anymore#sometimes i still feel like shes still there when i walk into that room. it still partially smells the same#i turn on the light and feel like im somewhere im not supposed to be until i realize that we cleared out her stuff months ato#you wouldnt know that someone was bedridden and in hospice in there just from looking at it#but sometimes i just get that mental image of her being in there. or when she was in a nursing facility for a time and mostly normal#when we thought she was just almost septic and not nearing the end#the stupid doorbell we had her ring when she needed something that made us all jump whenever we heard a similar sound#the fact that the last blanket she ever started crocheting is still in that room and never finished#her rocking chair that has been sitting empty for probably over a year now#the haunted lamp in what used to be her bedroom pre-hospice that keeps turning on#the fact that her cars no longer in the driveway#idk. thinking about it doesnt like. actively make me cry or anything. but it is like. a lurking feeling#like ive been aware and fine with the fact that shes gone. and has been gone#but sometimes i really... remember that shes gone#i still forget that its like. a permanent thing and that shes not just in the hospital again#i wouldnt say i feel too much grief about her dying. i feel more about my cat that died 8 years ago.#but it is a weird feeling to recognize. maybe i only felt sadder about my cat bc (to me) it was unexpected#idk.
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I want to apologise in case you already tried it. But I've seen many people with ehler danlos say that shapewear helps. Do you think it's something you could use?
Ive tried pretty much every otc method of keeping my joints in place including shapewear, with the execption of like 1 or 2 that has slightly too many steps for me to muscle thru the executive dysfunction and do (ring splints -_-). I dont actually know if there is a way to keep my joints from subluxating or dislocating with almost every movement but if there is its gonna have to be like. Complete imobilization except in the direction that said joints are actually supposed to move.
#compression (which is part of what shapewear does right ?) helps a ton for my wrists specifically but not for anything else#i remember reading something written by a wheelchair user with eds as a teenager right before it all went to shit for me#they were talking about how technically they could get up and walk its just that their hips literally dislocated with every step#which was agonizing and painful#and i remember thinking holy shit that person lost the universal lottery to an insane degree#:/#indeed.#indeed they did.#eds#chronically ill#sorry ive not posted on here lately#i havent rly done any crafting lately bc 1) too insane to find any comfort in it n 2) i think ive actually found migraine meds that work ?#trying not to get my hopes up because if i go back to 25 migraines a month i will die from despair but i havent had a single one in WEEKS#and thus have been playing minecraft nonstop#sorry guys. havent dumped you for minecraft i just really missed being able to play it without my brain eating itself alive#cherrynika
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nothing like spending hrs cooking only to lose your appetite 👍
#logbook#good shit too. i would normally be excited and proud and instead im exhausted and depressed.#its fine i get why i just cant keep skipping dinner bc of this lol. i gotta keep this strength going its crazy how ive regained all this#im sure its bc im moving and moving on my own too but i havent been like this since b4 i had covid. so like. 8 months or som#hoping its not wild and i can just walk in put food away and then lay down. im so ready for today to be done.
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🐮
#ok ok im gonna try to go to the gym today#i havent been able to make myself leave the house at all this week#and im feeling so bad about myself :((#im up earlier today and im gonna have breakfast calmly and then walk 45min to the gym#work out (which is the part i love lol) and then go to the store#bc that store has a special price for salmon today which makes me wanna go today skksksks#i havent had salmon in 10 months at least and even before that i havent had it in like a year#it is super fkn expensive lately so i cant at all afford it#but now it costs way less so i can actually afford it....#i just hope the store actually has it and that it isnt just 'sold out' :((((#if that's the case then thats how it is but oh it'd make me so sad#i havent had salmon for years 😭#it's one of my fav things to have for dinner :((((#ok anyway im gonna try to go to the gym today#it is a bit annoying that it will probably rain#im so sick of it raining constantly#i love the rain but when i cant afford taking the buss and have to walk everywhere it becomes a nuisance#having to walk for 45min and get fkn drenched and then have to go to an appt or exercise or smth it's so gross#but yeah... i just have to go anyway :<#can it stop raining now#also it is in the middle of june and we just stopped having warm weather???#global warming is scary bro#anyway i hope it gets warmer soon
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