#i have trauma from some old friends being mean to me abt that when i was just happy n passionate 😭

[noxtivagus]

listening to a lot of songs rn n i'm just thinking of how much i love my music taste

[sh1-n0bu]

Hello! Hope you are having a good day/evening.

I saw that your requests are open so i wanted to see if i could request, a headcanon(or one shot what ever you think would be better for the idea) + angst for scara, childe and diluc [add any character you have ideas pls :) ].

I was thinking of how would they react if reader just disapeard for a period of time, and they maybe though reader was dead. Until they came back (or they saw them somewhere like in other city after long time). [idk why reader decapered-] . I wanted to know if they would let reader in or ignore them for the rest of times.

(im sorry for making this so long- if you dont understand the idea or dont want to make it i complitly understand.)

✿ 𝙢𝙞𝙨𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 ✿

characters: scaramouche, childe and diluc x nb!reader

warnings: angst (me likey), reverse comfort, verbal fighting, takes place after scaramouche’s defeat, mentions of blood and injury (not too graphic), reader disappears for some time but dw nothing bad happens

notes: it’s alright hun, i understand dw too much abt anything! also you can def tell who’s my favorite lmao

since his loss as the false god of sumeru, the irmunsul incident, his mentality was slowly getting better

slowly starting to heal from all his trauma, loss, betrayals and suffering in the hands of the second fatui harbinger

but that doesn’t mean some bad habits just won’t immediately disappear

you and wanderer’s relationship has been going well. silly little dates here and there, holding hands and he was even slowly starting to open up to you about his past as well!

however lately you’ve been going out meeting someone named “kaveh” a lot lately. not really having time to explain to your lover that kaveh was your work partner and that you two had a deadline coming soon of an expensive and famous museum

and that was all it took for wanderer to start doubting the relationship between you two

did you truly love him like all the time you said you do? was it a lie? who was this kaveh anyways? perhaps this was a bad idea. maybe he never should’ve took nahida’s suggestion and confessed to you. maybe it was all better if he were to just push you away like he always have with people before

after 2 weeks of hard work with barely no sleep, full meal or even being able to see your loving boyfriend again, the architecture of the museum was finally finished and you and your best friend can finally catch some well deserved break

stepping into your shared little cottage at 2 in the morning, you yawned walking into your shared bedroom with your lover, not entirely surprised to see him still wide awake, sitting on your bed seemingly mulling over something

hugging his smaller body and nuzzling into his neck, you sighed in content. finally happy to be able to spend some time with your darling

that was until he stood up suddenly harshly tearing of your hands that was wrapped around his middle

“darling? what’s wrong?”

“don’t you dare ask me what’s wrong when you KNOW what the answer is. what finally got tired of that kaveh guy you’ve been seeing? finally got tired of him so now you come crawling back to me?!”

“… honey i don’t understand what you mean. i think you got it all wrong”

“don’t you dare call me those names! i knew you were a liar and a manipulator. always going around wearing that sickeningly sweet smile as if nothing’s wrong! you’re no better than him. no in fact, you’re worse!”

the fight escalated from there. at first you tried to calm him down and explain to him about everything but you were just too tired, too exhausted, too lonely

soon enough wanderer and you were just shouting at each other. calling each other names, jabbing at traumas, stabbing old wounds

the breaking point for you was when he shouted one thing you wish you would never hear coming from someone so dear to you

“I WISH YOU NEVER EXISTED AT ALL!”

deafening silence

no one moved, no one spoke, just silently staring into each other’s faces until you grimaced

he immediately regretted it. but he won’t show it because his pride is always too much. always too high. always above everyone. always destroying any human contact he sought after

quietly shaking your head, you picked up your coat again before stepping out of the once shared home with your lover, shutting the door gently. you were never one to slam doors after all

he wanted to get out and chase after you. hold your hand, cling to you, begging for forgiveness

but his pride won’t allow it

a few days have passed and he has yet to run into you. you’ve been gone without a single trace of where you went to or who you’re with

it’s as if his words came true…

it has been a week already. no signs of you and wanderer is going to lose his mind

he went to nahida to ask for her help, he asked about you from the traveler and paimon, he even went around asking about the person named kaveh

another day, another failure in finding you

sobbing in his bed, clinging tightly to your pillow he only wished for one thing. he just wanted you back

snapping out of his misery when the front door knob jingled, he nearly tripped over his own legs when jumping out of bed

and there you were, standing on the front door of your shared home, wearing the exact same clothes, facial expressions as the day you left

the short male didn’t care about how he looked, how messy his home was or even much of his pride. throwing himself into your chest, clinging to you like a lifeline, sobbing out apologies after apologies

forgiveness is a hard thing. especially to prideful people like wanderer but he will soon learn to apologize if he keeps practicing make sure to disappear more to teach him a lesson reader-chin👍

it has been some time since the ginger menace has seen his lover. that’s because you have been away on a long time commission on dragonspine. something about multiple frostarm lawachurl going haywire. of course him being himself, immediately offered to go as well if it weren’t for you bonking him on the head with all his piled up harbinger paper work

he knows you’re strong - even though you lack a vision - and he has great faith and earnest trust in you! he truly does! however the gnawing of dark thoughts, worry filled mindless pacing and the creeping presence of nightmares just won’t let him go no matter how much the harbinger throws himself into his piles upon piles of work

it took one utterance of your name to slip past ekaterina’s mouth that snaps him back to life, away from the insecurities and terror looming over him

were you finally back? it took a whole 2 weeks! he can’t wait to see you, hold you in his arms, trail kisses on your scars, to just be in your presence again!

just the simple thought of your face is enough to have him kicking his feet, giggling with sheer and utter joy

but that giggles stopped abruptly when ekaterina showed him a piece of ripped cloth. your cloth. a ripped part of the coat you wear whenever you’re called to dragonspine…

with a bated breath and shaking hands, childe asked “… they’re not here, are they?”

when the fatui gave a hesitant nod, tartaglia bolted out of the northland bank, running straight towards the icy peak - which always stirred warmth within his heart, reminding him of his homeland - now filled with a painful, nerve wracking cold

when he had arrived at the place you mentioned before seeing off, there were blood stains everywhere on the snow

the sight always used to make his eyes widen with excitement but now, with an unshakable fear

“[name]? [name] are you here! honey-bun please answer me!”

digging through all the wreckage, running around all over the place, searching for you, yelling your name. he just needed one little sign. just one little sign, please

and his pleas were answered with a grunt. a pained groan

quickly dashing over to where the sound had come from, he found you under a small wreckage pile of carts and tattered cloths with a hastily wrapped bandage around your bleeding torso

“haha… is it a bad time to say hi, big boy?” shakily laughing and cocking your eyebrow, you shot him a teasing grin

if you weren’t injured he probably would’ve bonked you over the head nicely but for now a nice 24 hours of lecture and scolding sounded better to ajax

it all started when your beloved significant other kept coming back home way past midnight, bruised and bleeding and leaving the next morning before the sun could even crack through the darkness of the night

at first you were worried, then you soon got used to it but patience can only run for so long until it breaks

“WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THINGS FROM MY PERSPECTIVE FOR ONCE DILUC?! YOU ALWAYS COME BACK INJURED, SOMETIMES EVEN ON THE VERGE OF DEATH AND YET YOU STILL LEAVE IN THE MORNING WITHOUT EVEN LETTING YOUR OPEN WOUNDS CLOSE!”

“i’ve been doing this for years [name]. so stop being clingy and let it be! i’m strong enough to handle myself.”

meanwhile elzer and adelinde looked at each other in worry. furrowing rheir brows, biting their lips and anxiously messing with their hands

the manor has never been this loud, ever since the fight between their young master and his brother kaeya of course

the fight started with a simple curt sentences being thrown but now it was slowly losing it’s meanings, turning into a shouting contest. a fight to see who has more pride than the other

“STOP BEING SO DAMN OVERPROTECTIVE! I’M STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE MYSELF AND YOUR WORRYING IS NOT NEEDED!”

that was the final straw for you to leave the manor with a loud slam of the front door

diluc tried to chase after you, realizing his mistake, wanting to apologize sadly the whole shouting re-opened his wounds, causing the young master’s sleeping tunic to get dirtied with blood

since that nasty fight with your dear boyfriend, you’ve been staying at his brother’s place for the time being. kaeya was more than understanding. after all, he too was once cast out by his loved one from his home

it had already been 4 days since the uncrowned king of mondstadt had seen his beloved and things were not going smoothly. he keeps messing up the order’s at the bar, letting fatui or some enemies get out of sight only to be reminded of that with a new wound, spending sleepless hours just tightly clutching at your pillow in your once-shared bed

on the fifth night of your sudden disappearance, diluc has had enough. mentally broken and physically exhausted, he sobbed silently, holding onto your pillow tightly

the red head was too caught up in his mental breakdown, he didn’t even hear your voice calling out his name

jolting violently and swiftly turning back - ready to summon his claymore - only to fall silent once he realizes it’s your hand holding his shoulder, your voice calling him sweet, cheesy nicknames, you standing before him in the flesh

“… darling? is that you…?”

you hated how broken he sounded. how devastated yet relieved he looked. how his voice shook with so mich hesitation and fear

gently cradling his head to rest upon your heart, you shushed his cries and begs of forgiveness

cuddles? …that sounds nice

[doing-swell]

hello, my name's swellie 💖✨🌈 aka: new pinned post! new pinned post! read all abt it!

welcome to my blog! I started on here almost exactly a year ago, and since then I've learned not only so much about my pregnancy kink, but also about myself. being here has been formative for my kink exploration journey, and it's helped me deconstruct years of catholic school girl trauma (s/o to catholic guilt!).

This is a pregnancy and birth fetish vlog. This is an 18+ only environment. DO NOT INTERACT IF 18 OR YOUNGER. I am a 27 year old white cis woman with brown hair. I identify as a neurodivergent bisexual woman on the ace-spectrum. I live in the US - New England specifically!

I've had a pregnancy kink since I was a kid. I even got in trouble for google image searching "pregnat" on my childhood computer lol (it was 2006 folks, what else was i supposed to do?) I created this blog to share the beautiful side of this kink. I hope you enjoy! <3

Keep reading below!

As a queer person I will absolutely not condone any form of homophobia, transphobia, racism, misogyny, etc etc. I am an open and tolerant person, and please do not try to take advantage of me because of this. I mostly only follow back people whose content I enjoy seeing.

When I interact with kink content here, I mostly imagine myself as the pregnant carrier. I mostly get off to picturing myself in some sort of pain (i.e. labor) or I like to picture myself with a pregnant person.

Things I really enjoy:

Wearing a fake pregnant belly

Pregnant bellies (specifically, large pregnant bellies, smaller bellies, those with stretch marks, red bellies, moving bellies)

Breeding <3

Impregnation <3

Poking pregnant bellies, rubbing them etc

Stirrups, medical torture stuff, etc (FANTASY ONLY. I CANNOT REPEAT THAT ENOUGH. DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME IF YOU FEEL OTHERWISE)

Birth, birth denial, labor and contractions

Pregnant lesbians (because duh,,, I’m fucking gay)

Historical pregnancies or pregnancies set in the past

Clothes not being able to fit/spilling out of old clothes

Giant swollen boobs (especially with veins 🙈)

Giant bellies in laps <3

Waddling and being out of breathe, struggling to sit up, contractions, unable to get up from sitting, etc

Curves🤤🤤

I’m not into:

Anime/ drawings

Monster fucking, slime, pups/litter talk, etc

Mpreg

Beastiality, aliens, monsters, anything sci fi

Eggs or pushing out objects

Feederism, feedies, or stuffing (in very very specific circumstances I tolerate this)

Anything to do with fatphobia or shaming folks for their size/weight

Swollen feet

It gets weird when it gets misogonistic in a "I would actually vote to overturn roe v wade if I had the chance" kind of thing -- if it's fantasy/pure imagination, I'm all ears. But when I think you would actually hate crime me IRL..... that's when I [not-so] politely decline ❤️🫶🏻

Other disclaimers:

I am in a relationship right now and she knows about this blog and my kink. She is so supportive and I love her very much. We are very open to exploring ourselves sexually, but never, and I mean never, would I risk my relationship because of something on here. If you cross a line, I will immediately tell you. Please do not assume I want to fuck you or be in a relationship with you in real life, this is purely for kink purposes. I think of you as my friends! If I talk to you, or respond to your DM's or like your content occasionally, that means I'm grateful to have you in my life and you make my life better by being in it. Xoxo, thank you for understanding!

Please send me asks, tell me about your fantasies, ask me questions about my fetish. I want to learn more about you as well! I’m an open book when it comes to most things, I promise I won’t judge you 🙈

I don’t want to tell you my real name, where I live, or anything about me in real life. You won’t ever see my face. It’s what I’m comfortable with, full stop. If you do get my name or anything from me, it’s for you only. Do not share that without my consent. For purposes of this blog, you can call me Swellie 🤪

I love interacting with mutuals through tags and captions 💋 it’s my way of flirting and will swoon if you do the same

Happy swelling, babies 🫡

[gemharvest]

Might not be exactly what you asked for but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go into more depth about the bf and pico drawing with the kinto pet song lyrics 🙏🙏🙏🙏 it has haunted me in a good way and I will explode without more

UR MORE THAN FINE DWWW it's easier for me to ask for prompts but I LOVE ASKS IN GENERAL I like getting to ramble. Forever and always if you see me post something and you want me to elaborate on it/ have specific questions/ literally whatever PLEASE DON'T BE SCARED TO SEND AN ASK IN !!!

okay needed that out of the way first LOLLLLL

The like. Images I get in my head when I listen to this song drive me insane like this was just me putting it into one image but I could deadass do a full PMV if I had the time.

Obvi I prefer to draw in a more Funkin'-influenced style, but esp. with how Pico is drawn I hope it's clear I was leaning into the Pico's School side of things.

(continuing under a cut because I am about to Ramble)

I don't think I was consciously thinking abt it the other night BUT at least the first verse makes me think. Of the Love Conquers All version of Pico's School. An ideal ending; Cassandra is convinced not to carry out her plan, nobody dies, Pico certainly wouldn't be Going Through It. Maybe in this ideal ending they (Pico & BF) wouldn't have split. "In this world, we're friends forever".

I also imagine it as like.. basically how the art I did ended up being. They're just black lines on a white background. Faces obscured. Maybe with some visual effects that distort things too/ some pixelation whatever. I actually think I was planning to have some parts of that pixelated but forgot by the time I was home and could draw; might have been for the best but here's a version with a biit of what I'm talking abt.

They're in a void. Separate from the real world, but happy. Stuck in a loop of the happiest time of their lives (mostly thinking from Pico's perspective with that lol). Is that not better than having to continue on in a fucked reality?

Of course, that's not real. It's just an imaginary loop of "what if"s in Pico's mind. It's a world he built for Boyf.

In this world, Boyfriend is always following with Pico, always showing him kindness and always smiling. Pico's emotions are less readable; maybe in a proper PMV I'd give him his mouth too so he can show he is at least somewhat happy, but despite being the "leader" of the two, he is much more passive, reserved. They are always holding each other's hands.

Verse 2 would be the inverse (lol), signaled by the stronger beats kicking in. White lines on black background. It's no longer the ideal world, and instead the "real world". Real, but distorted by trauma. "Inside my code, you'll always be". The world Cass built for Pico.

The bit of instrumental between verses 2 & 3 would be the Real real world, going forward to when FNF would take place; Pico and Boyfriend reconnected, through less than ideal means, though reconnected nontheless.

We're back to black lines on white background, but everything's less distorted. There's more details too, the world not just being a hazy backdrop for Pico and Boyfriend to play around in, but real.

He's different from Pico's memories, obviously, drawn now in the FNF style fully. More confident, still stupid. He has Girlfriend now.

The first 2 lines of verse 3, his imagined worlds and the real world melt together. Mixed in ways that highlight a feeling of off-ness. Everything feels strange, distorted, unreal.

The last 2 lines it's just Pico and Boyfriend hanging out alone. "All that's left is me and you/Lots of fun that we can do". Boyfriend cheery as ever, while Pico is visibly nervous-- uncharacteristic for him but we don't see if Boyfriend notices.

The strong beat kicking in again sends us back to the imagined world. The good world. But things are wrong. The real world is slipping in, things are no longer stagnant; no longer perfect. Visual distortions/ glitches worsen.

Pico could delude himself when he hadn't known where Boyfriend was; now that he's back, his world warps. No longer under his control. He is not in the lead.

The first half of the outro Boyfriend is still mostly playing along, though still seems to be growing disinterested. Pico is noticably anxious, clearly seeing how the other is no longer like a puppy at his side. Boyfriend is pulling away. Why is he pulling away, when everything's "perfect"? Why is everything going wrong. "The world I built, designed for you".

The second half of the outro, Boyfriend is now actively pulling away. He no longer looks like the idealized, young Boyfriend. He's older, a stranger, he doesn't care for Pico anymore. Pico is older now too, desperately holding on to Boyfriend. Unwilling to let him go again, first in the real world and now in his mind. Boyfriend refuses to hold his hand but Pico still grips onto his arm. Their eyes finally become visible in the imagined world.

Pico's behavior mirrors Cassandra's involvement in the second verse, though unintentionally violent as opposed to her intentional violence. He's selfish, desperate to hold on to his world; to Boyfriend. He's hurting the imagined Boyfriend in the process, but that is second in his mind to him so desperately trying to avoid a second heartbreak. Anything to keep his world together, his peace. Without it, he just has the dark.

Beyond this screen, you cannot leave Inside my code, you'll always be Endless fun that we can do In a world I built for you

In the final instrumental and as the song fades out, Pico wakes up. He's shaken, disgusted by how he acted in his mind and feeling like he's nothing but an anchor to Boyfriend, holding him back. He can't keep clinging to this false reality, nor can he pretend he's doing any good by being in Boyfriend's life again. His mind is made up.

...

LOL I hope the way I summarized The Thoughts I get paints the picture I get in my mind. I've got terminal artist brain I am imagining AMVs to near everything I listen to I am not joking; had to take a break halfway through typing this to walk around a store and I was looping KATAMARI by femtanyl for like half of it imagining an edit in my head. I can imagine anything jpeg.

I wanna very much stress that all that above would have been filtered through Pico's mind. He's not actively hurting Boyfriend, but he's fucking terrified of doing so and he feels so fucking guilty for continuing to hold on to the past they had. I guess it wouldn't be apparent from what I described but he'd also feel guilty for still having feelings for him when the other has moved on and even has a girlfriend.

His world, once his perfect escape from the anguish of his reality, corrupts as he feels worse and worse over even entertaining the thoughts. Him deciding to forget his world and, in turn, go to cut off Boyfriend for the other's sake is not based on objective reality, but an act of self-sabotage that he convinces himself to be the best outcome for everybody.

^ Literally included him doing this shit in a part of that last fic I did you can tell this is something I find interesting exploring with him.

The tone of the song too just fucking.. it adds to the eeriness I'd want out of a proper PMV of this idea. The way it's clearly an homage to the IBM 7094 singing Daisy Bell; the voice and instrumentals just feel so unnerving. Sweet and innocent on the surface, but clearly holding bad intentions. Maybe not intentionally bad, maybe misguided good even, but they are not good nor sweet nor kind. I am talking about the song on it's own divorced from it being from KinitoPET what I describe here is just the feelings it gives me in regards to my favies.

Anyways uhhhh god I could go on for hours but I've been going off for long enough I'm sorry to anyone reading this who had to sit through my insanity. My head is now lighter with this information shared tho.. I guess in conclusion: I am definitely normal and neurotypical and can be trusted to listen to music and be into my games without creating the most devastating ideas known to man. xoxo

[chocottang]

I forgot to send this before but. I'm interested in your take for Golden/Deuz 👀

hiii!! so it's not very elaborate because i haven't analyzed deuz a lot, but from what i understand + what I've heard from deuz enjoyers i think him and golden could get along

like imagine if the nightmares found golden when he ran away and took him in... honestly at first golden would probably be shitting his pants out of fear, but once he realizes they don't want to hurt him and actually want to help him, i think they'd become friends.

i consider deuz to be a "idc abt ur past, if u need help I'll help u" type of guy so i don't think he'd ask golden why he was living on the street, which would be a HUGE relief for him because he doesn't want them to assume he's a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum like everyone else seems to think. golden is also just not prone to talking about his issues, so he'd feel comfortable not telling them. and even if golden did tell them eventually, i think they, and deuz especially, would understand that being homeless is ROUGH and nobody, espcially not a spoiled rich kid, would do it just because, and especially not for the amount of time golden does. sooo i think golden could find a safe and supportive space

enough of that. let's talk the actual ship. deuz and golden are both hugeee loverboys. i mean, golden fell in love with a girl because she helped him once and deuz is still trying to get meg back and gifting her flowers after god knows how long. these guys never let it go, so if they liked each other, dude? they'd always do romantic things for each other, and they would never, not in a million yeras, give up on the other or move on. some call it codependency-

they're also both quite flirty, and although deuz can have an edge to him, we know from golden's interactions with fox that he can keep up. if golden can't earn deuz's respect though his strength (and we know from the halloween special that he can't cause he's a weak bitch) he definetly can through his smarts and his unwillingness to let anyone tear him down, he knows what he's worth and i think deuz would respect that. and golden would definetly admire deuz for not just surviving on his own but helping others and creating his own little family. i mean, golden tried to live on the street and was not doing great, doing that as a KID? that's insane.

also they would both fucking hate rich old farts, they both have trauma with adults mistreating them and taking advantage of them. i can imagine deuz enabling golden to let out his frustrations and spite on fun light crimes against the rich. golden has always been the one to organize and plan what the animatronics would do, so i think it'd be fun to see golden use that ability to help the nightmares in their shenanigans. and yes this is jsut me wanting to see golden be more of a rebel when he runs away ok.

all of this assuming the nightmares are actually not bullies anymore. cause otherwise i don't think golden woukd like to hang out with the guys that beat up his friend. well i mean it's still kinda fucked up even if they stopped cause they still have beat up bonnie in the past. so uhh drama!! lmao. no but really, golden wouldn't want to lose the animatronics for ANYTHING so if there's tension between them and the nightmares that would actually be a huge drama. and then there's fox in the middle which both golden and deuz have a bad relationship with lmao.

uhhh i think that's all i have!! thanks for the ask!! thinking abt this was fun

[14th-century-verona-queer]

Sokka HC’s (trauma edition)

just some stuff that I think is true abt Sokka idk

I haven’t watched ATLA in literal years so please correct me if some of my info is wrong

Some of these are probably obvious but I just wanted to give my take on them lol

Ever since the night of the fire nation raid, he’s terrified of fire and even more scared of the smell of bodies burning and the sight of ash. Because although fire is what took his mother and a lot of the tribe members away, the smell of bodies burning and the sight of ash reminds him of the sight he saw that night, and how he was useless to do anything about it, that now burns forever in his memory. Because while Katara is traumatized at seeing the death of Kya, Sokka is traumatized of seeing his tribe members killed and burned in front of him. He’s the kind of guy to break down after the fact of whatever just happened, so he can still fight fire nation soldiers and everything. But the minute he gets off of the battlefield and the adrenaline wears off and hes alone? He makes some excuse about “needing to plan where they’re going next in the peace and quiet because fucking toph and aang make it hard to focus with their earthbending lessons” he breaks down, sobs racking his body and an inevitable panic attack coming as he relives the worst night of his life over and over again for hours, acrid smoke and burning flesh all he’s able to smell, screams of pain and heartbreak all he’s able to hear. (when Zuko comes along it gets a little bit better because he can remind himself the Zuko is a fire bender and hes safe and warm and would never do anything to hurt me. So he just kind of melts into his best friend’s boyfriends arms and it becomes a routine for them. More on that on the zukka post i will get to writing..eventually)

He has abandonment issues because of how unexpectedly Kya died and left him to take care of Katara while she was grieving, and then Hakoda left him to take care of the entire tribe by himself. This is probably why in that one episode (i dont remember which one and im too lazy to find it) Sokka was so adamant about refusing to let Katara go and try to save Haru and his dad, because he was scared that she wouldn’t leave until she got everyone off of the ship, eventually get captured, and spend the rest of her days there, leaving him behind.

(This ones cannon I think but here’s my take on it) He has self-worth issues because of his constant expectations that have been set on him, by himself and by other people. A lot of people reading this are gonna be like well yea he had to take care of the entire tribe by himself! Which, true! Not exactly the best move Hakoda, but what’re you gonna do i guess. But i think his self-worth issues stem more from his need to be the perfect “chief”. What i mean by that is that if he’s doesn’t catch enough fish for the tribe (even if they probably have enough to survive because always working too hard) he hates himself because he isn’t doing enough and they look so skinny and its all my fault because i just can’t catch enough fish. And if the people are cold, or if they’re sick, they expect him to take care of them, but they dont see that he’s a 16 (or younger, he was acting as chief for a couple years before Aang came along i think) year old boy trying to do everything himself with no help. Every day he hears the same thing: “Sokka, we don’t have enough ______! Can you please get more?” So he never ever thinks he’s good enough no matter what he does because there’s just never enough. even if he catches 100 fish for the whole village to eat, he’ll still beat himself up about it because sure they were able to eat today, but they’re not eating enough and he still needs to get more furs for everyone because the winter is only getting colder and they’re getting sicker and they’re all going to die because he’s so useless and can’t do anything right

because of him having to do everything himself, he absolutely hates being offered help. He refuses it practically every single time, because he’s so used to people younger than him counting on him to do something, and if they’re counting on him that means that he cannot fail, and asking for help (to him) is one way of failing. If he asks for help that means he couldn’t do the one thing Hakoda asked him too. It’s super simple Sokka, just take care of the village of like 15 people. And he can’t even do that.

He’s an absolute control freak and micromanages everything, and Katara (the hypocrite, smh) hates it. He needs to be in control of everything because that means that nothing can go wrong unless he makes a mistake. (Which he knows he will make a mistake but at least its his fault and he can find a way to fix it) If he relies on other people that means they’ll make mistakes which means something that needed to get done won’t and he’ll fuck up again and he’ll be worthless, because planning and fixing and engineering and fighting is all he has, all he thinks hes good for. He would rather be solely blamed for not being good enough and screwing up than letting someone like Zuko or Katara or Aang be told that. He was never in control of the war or his mother’s death of Hakoda leaving or anything, so he find some kind of solace or coping mechanism in being able to at least control the village and having some semblance of control (idk how else to explain this! Im so sorry!)

Also because he doesn’t trust anyone else to do it right lol. He’s been taking care of the whole village for such a long time that there’s a very specific way you supposed to do this Katara! It took him such a long time to finally get a rhythm going, get used to how to take care of 15+ people at a time, so any little change to his routine pisses him off and makes him panic because he’s lost the control of the situation and now he’s in an unknown territory where he doesn’t know how to do anything which makes him a liability.

(I’ll probably continue to update this post because im probably not done, and/or make a pt 2 if y’all wanna see that. Won’t be restricted to just trauma next time!)

[monpalace]

@july-angel-wings

full disclosure, i haven't touched skyward sword or first's story ever in my life aside from secondhand fanfic knowledge and tauberpa's abridged vids more than 8yrs ago,, 😁

(this turned into informal general romantic hcs with first im sorry 🗿)

anyways, i imagine first would be more than apprehensive when it comes to you rescuing him. out of survival instincts, he doesn't know how you managed to find him? how'd you break in? why were you here in the first place? were you someone else who had been imprisoned, or did you want him for your own purposes?

he's thankful, don't get him wrong, but a man questions all intentions once you've put poison in his food, even the hand that heals.

following his rescue (and the establishment that you were friend and not foe), first would likely be more open to you assisting him in his goddess-given duty. most certainly to the point that there are no secrets between you.

time would feel as though it went in the blink of an eye when it came to defeating demise— and, in a sense, it did. it could have been months, or weeks, or hours, or seconds, and he wouldn't know any better.

first wouldn't be ashamed to admit that he's romantically interested in you. he'd be normal about courting you after he grows out of the "crush formed via trauma-bond" phase and evolves into the "okay, yeah, i actually like-like you" phase.

but me, personally? i think he's really fucking stupid and doesn't know how to properly court someone. i think he's seen people court each other to many times to count in his home village, but he doesn't have fond memories of the village so it kind of murks and muddles everything to the point he's confident enough to say "yeah, that wouldn't work at all."

assuming this is first after his character development, i feel he wouldn't be ashamed to act like his old self if that makes sense? like, less of a seasoned veteran and more of just some guy on the side of the road you drive past.

pushing my "most links are illiterate" agenda to say that link courts you by asking you to read to him, sometimes teach him if he's confident enough. he says it's because he likes watching you become so invested in the story if it's good enough (and hearing your voice if you're able to speak).

uhhh,, this is where my bullshitting abt skyward sword lore comes in,,

anyways, i imagine first is able to travel between skyloft and the ground using the ancient equivalent of a skywing made specifically for him by hylia because 1.) triforce of courage, hylia's chosen hero, and protector of skyloft be damned, he is afraid of heights and 2.) he already built a house for you and him he's not moving it.

yeah, that last part was def a surprise to you.

"why don't you want to go live on skyloft permanently again?"

"we already have a three bedroom, four and a half bathroom, full kitchen, full dining room house with an entire backyard and amazing view waiting for us? why would we want to live there?"

"we?"

"🧍🏼idk what you want me to say.. it's kind of like a gift? you didn't notice how i've been disappearing the last few months?"

"i thought you were out taking care of monsters?"

"i mean, yeah? i was taking bounties so i could work up enough funds to get the stuff to make an engagement ring?"

"who are you proposing to?"

"you? who else do i tolerate enough at this point of our lives? we can turn the house into a honeymoon spot, or a vacation house if you want?"

iirc after everyone and their mother moved up to skyloft, monsters started spawning more often and dangerously, so i dont think first would mind putting in more of an effort to protect you if they were to surround the house— but i also don't think that he'd be dumb enough to not make protective measures like a gate n whatnot.

(i'm being so fr when i say he probably dug out a moat.)

anyways, yh no first is def happy to surround himself with you and whatever animal companion y'all managed to find like you're in "i am legend" or whatever.

let me stop 🗿

[robotnuts]

are there any rvb fics you still think about all the time? like i dont think a week goes by without thinking abt qed and how it def changed me on a molecular level, do you have any fics like that?

oooh good question. the most important fic is at the bottom of this post so just scroll to the final paragraph if you only want one, true recommendation of the only rvb fic that really matters.

QED is fantastic though its more of @shotgunslap's thing than mine. the partner to that is also obviously QoQ, the only rvb fic ive been able to make almost all my friends read. i think about the south/north characterization every day of my life. caboose and carolina mean so much to me, etc etc. thats a pretty easy pick though so im cracking into my ao3 bookmarks to look for more niche picks.

i know there was actually a lot of rvb fic that was just posted to tumblr that i think ive gone back and tried to reblog at some points but i never organized it, i should have archived it, people who wrote good femslash and rvb women liked to just post it under a readmore on their tumblrlog and you have to go digging through decades old tags to find it now

okay. the big one i actually do still think about all the time forever and ever is saltsanford's stuff about epsilon/wash's relationship. this is the big one i still think about that centers on their backstory, but also, put my guns in the ground, which is one of the Big fandom tuckington longfics, also has such good washpilon stuff in it and they're so fucking juicy. when tucker asks wash how many times he's broken his ribs and he says four and epsilon says "actually it was five" before realizing How Bad of a Move that would be. Hello? Hello?????? i want them to be forced to reimplant and have weird mind brain trauma sex SO BAD sorry im normal. this is another one that takes place during/after the chorus era

on the spectrum of fics that i actually dont yet feel ashamed reccomending, primtheamazing, who wrote QoQ, also wrote some other good stuff. i am a HUGE fan of this fusion fic, the punchline to the tucker/caboose fusion is HYSTERICAL. this one where grif forgets who simmons is due to temple shennanigans and flirts with him is also very like. trope-y but i like that shit so this goes here too

ok. now onto the stuff that it is actively embarrassing for me to be recommending. but. prim's logrimmons fic is hysterical and was the stepping stone to creating the lolixgrimmons mind palaces with my friends so its worth it just for that. but also its really fucking funny. so is the one where locus has to listen to them have sex and gets himself caught

the truly embarrassing one for me to have here is the piece of softboy grimmons content i participate in. sadly i do enjoy s15 content sometimes for the softboy grif sensitive emotions exploration i will admit to being a hypocrite there and i really liked that one and reread it frequently (just realized this is written by the QED person so! you might already know of it)

and then finally. the most important red vs blue fanfiction of all time, guns are for shooting. it has it all. sarge. washington. sarge again. kismesisitude. grif and simmons acting like rosencrantz and guildenstern (are dead). locus being invisible and getting caught by lopez with a bag of flour. it's written by the person who wrote QED. You want to read it right now. Read it right now. READ IT RIGHT N

wait no the cute bit about sarge declaring war on gravity and upending a bag of flour onto lopez isnt in guns for shooting. what fic is that from

[ozlices]

my mom has repeatedly dismissed the idea that she has favorites between us, and yet earlier this year she literally admitted to my face that she's prioritized my abuser over me bc she's 'going through worse stuff'.

and constantly. fucking CONSTANTLY i have to hear abt my abuser, how much she's 'changed' and 'loves me' and 'wants a relationship with me' etc etc etc

and the most draining part of all of this is that i busted my ass for multiple fucking years to finally break the shackles off and get the fuck out of here, only for a selfish, heartless, absolutely piece of utter and complete shit to damn me back here.

and now, im stuck in this cycle again. where spending EIGHT HOURS on the phone trying to get my phone shit settled, and being at my absolute fucking limit bc on top of dealing w that crap, i had to listen to my abuser and her kids screaming at the top of their goddamn lungs for the past two days, and snapping to shut the fuck up,, gets me dealing w my mother holding a grudge w me.

bc 'oh let me have kids and then maybe ill understand' IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SHE'S OVER HERE. AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE SHE FUCKING HAD KIDS. THE BRUNT OF MY ABUSER WAS LITERALLY BEING SCREAMED AT AND BERATED BY HER OVER STUPID SHIT.

/IM/ THE ASSHOLE FOR BEING INSISTENT THAT SHE HASNT CHANGED ?!?!? WHEN SHE LITERALLY HASNT FUCKING CHANGED!!!?!?!?!? SHE'S /WORSE/ NOW /BECAUSE/ SHE STILL HAD KIDS ANYWAY WHEN LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HER LIFE WARNED HER NOT TO BC WE ALL KNEW SHE'D BE A SHITTY PARENT. AND WOW, HUGE SHOCKER, SHE IS!!!

i made the decision when i was VERY young, but also old enough to realize just how deep rooted my trauma runs & how much it affects my responses to stress & other shit, to not have human children bc i fucking KNEW. no matter how much i try to be a nice person, no matter how good my intentions try to be, i can be very nasty. i can be harsh. i can be snappy. i can be violent. i can be completely apathetic to how my actions affect other people when i'm angry enough.

i ACKNOWLEDGE that shit. i will be the first to admit when i probably went overboard, but i am so fucking sick of being put in a position where if i dont apologize for being fucking straight up verbally, emotionally, mentally, or even physically abused, & responding to that abuse like any fucking body would, ESPECIALLY a person who has existing trauma, im an asshole.

im so. fucking sick. of being alive. this year has broken me. it really, truly fucking has. i lost EVERYTHING. i dont even have a fucking doctor. i am back in the house all my trauma happened in, damned by someone i thought was my best friend who looked me dead in my eyes a month after my daughter died in my arms & told me damning me back to the house every traumatic thing ive ever gone to 'wasnt her problem'. & having to be put right back in the cycles i brutalized myself to get out of.

and the worst fucking part is that this year has left me in such shambles from stress, i physically cannot pick myself up anymore. my alters can't pick themselves up anymore. we are all so fucking burnt out, and it is so fucking draining to lie to ourselves that hope is worth it when we had it all stripped away from us repeatedly in such brutal ways. nonstop. i swear to the moon herself, i mean it when i say not one single day this entire year has been peaceful. has been free from some degree of pain, or straight up agony.

i am tired of beating myself up for being angry. i am tired of being berated by other people for being angry. FUCK all of that shit. this year, and the shitty people who refuse to fucking offer me the same empathy they DEMAND from me, have fucking destroyed me. and i DESERVE TO BE FUCKING PISSED OVER THAT SO I FUCKING WILL BE IM FUCKING PISSED FUCK THIS YEAR FUCK MY ABUSER FUCK HER GODDAMN DEFENDERS FUCK THE BITCH WHO DAMNED ME HERE FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE IT'S NEVERENDING BULLSHIT AND IM TIRED OF ACTING LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME WAS OKAY OR THAT I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT!! NONE OF IT WAS OKAY!! IM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH IT!! NOBODY FUCKING WOULD BE!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[koumeowkami]

Reread through the notes I made and to sum it up, I do think the pararai anime is neat! I knew spoilery stuff about Nayuta since way back when and had a general grasp of the character's trap reactions, but not so much about the general plot (aside from the winners and all) so I don't think I have much thoughts about it?

As a story in of itself though, I like that each group gets their time in the spotlight but apparently TCW doesn't get a full performance?— My notes kept mentioning it and I seemed a little annoyed—

Also live love laugh Ryu being a menace. It was enjoyable enough but given BAE and Cozmez seemed to be in the spotlight, it sort of left TCW and Akanyatsura behind in terms of development (Although they seemed developed enough, if that makes sense)

Stuff from my notes

Hell yeah this is what I've been waiting for! (ep 1)

The phantometals' effects look so good and I really like the look of the animation

Second instance (as far as I know) of Gakuto Kajiwara being the lead protagonist in a music franchise anime adaptation <- the other one being ACTORS: Song Connection..

I REALLY DO LIKE MURASE'S RANGE AS HAJUN

He's a mood (Allen)

Paradox Devil thing reminds me of Grim

Ryu-kun!

HANAEEEE

I did praise the animation but why does the stamen in that flower look so stiff

Cozmez? Cozmez!

Why is Kanata so pretty

I never really got into the how or why phantometals connect to their users other than making it from their trauma, this anime makes it digestible

(Allen drawing on Hajun's apron and shouting "Inspiration!") Leo Tsukinaga is that you

Hajun pretty boy antics

Bae oversleeping on opening night huh..

Hajun flying them in!

Trauma!

Cozmez is drawn so ethereal

The OP is really nice (ep 2)

Not Kanata gatekeeping hiphop?/lh

Kanallen! ..Nevermind, he was robbing him

..Mouse as big as a dog? Isn't that like a rat.. come on we have a song called rats and nobles..

Kanata gatekeeping!

Ryu-kun having fun! (the tcw vs akanyatsura battle)

—Not showing TCW & Akanyatsura's performance? Foul

Old man yaoi

(Has stopped keeping track of the episodes)

Time to see TCW performance. or not...

Ryu is a menace and I am INTO it

Reo is adorable

ep.5 and this OP still is a banger

Not Kanata and Nayuta both having their own spiels about "I can't let you stay here" <- since.. yeah, does that mean that this is how Kanata thinks subconsciously?

When are we gonna look at TCW performing

Allen working part-time throughout the Ryu episode...

HILARIOUS

Allen "little dapper man" Sugasano

ep.7

Nayuta...

Nayushiki duet at the end?!?@??@?

ep.9 - Sweet ol kanalller contend <- watched the scene and was writing at the same time while laughing hysterically

NAYUTA READ THE ROOM

(end of notes)

omg aeri... pls read the drama tracks when you can cause 😭 once you do you realize how much this anime is missing (or even got wrong)...

you're right abt akyr and tcw not having enough screentime and to be honest, i'd say the same abt cozmez since they didn't explain anything abt their backstory – nayushiki thing aside – and completely ruined the ending... bae got so many useless scenes 😞

so yeah, even if the characters seemed to have gotten any development, no one knows what caused it anyways (or at least, i talked abt the anime with my irl friend who's anime-only, and she genuinely didn't understand some stuff that happened cause they didn't explain shit lol).

replying to the stuff from your notes

the effects are really one of the only things i'm willing to defend abt this anime cause they were truly SO GOOD!! i was so scared of how bad the cgi would've been but i was proved wrong, the performances were all really cool <3

i'm not sure if you're into fragraria memories but gakkun voices the lead protagonist there as well! and hallritt has red hair too... curious...

paradevil is truly our grim... they'd be great friends

the flower symbolizes tsubaki, saimon's late wife (i'm pretty sure no anime-only fan understood that cause they never mentioned her LMAO; that's also why they keep showing that damn flower)

they "skipped" the justice performance but it's only cause they showed tcw with 4 real later! each group had one battle performance :D

yes, everything nayuta says is part of kanata's subconscious!! phantom nayuta is literally the personification of kanata's deepest thoughts, the truth under millions of layers 👍🏻

i loved kanallen in the filler episode, that's what youngsters would call "my roman empire" nowadays. also yeah notice kanata cockblocking himself (through nayuta)

i support you saying "why is cozmez so pretty" every few notes. relatable

[hopelessromanticstrawberry]

unboxing sexual trauma part 2–

So I haven’t spoken abt the indirect sexual abuse like, having old men leer at me, being cat called every time I walked to school when I was 8 years old. it was constant, I started to wear boys clothes and didn’t want to be a girl anymore even though I loved pink and cute things and I loved being girly.

The actual direct abuse, alright.

So I had that first bad relationship that ended my freshman year, dated an 18 year old next when I was 15. He was some nerdy music theater guy, stubborn, and prone to insulting — think stereotypical Boston family, like he moved to my city later on in life. We’d play videogames together, but honestly without choir and theater we had virtually nothing in common. But I liked feeling like someone loved me, and he was mean to everyone but me which made me feel special. He also was short, unintimidating, and funny. He wasn’t attractive to me, but I figured I wanted a nice guy who cares about looks didn’t Marge Simpson love Homer? yeah. The damage psychologically was already done. Things ended bc we had no chemistry and I still held out for 3 months of dating, he also saw my severe self harm scars and cried. We broke up shortly after I told him I had some trauma around sex and wanted to take things slow. He told me his last girlfriend cheated on him too. We probably were better off friends anyways, when we kissed it felt like I was kissing a family member on the cheek. Like zero sparks.

I don’t know why I included that ^^^ but im sharing a lifetime of my bullshit right now so bear with me

The next guy I dated was pretty quickly, he’d been an outlier on my big friend group since middle school. I was such a sucker for shojo like anime tropes. He had pined after me for years, given me gifts and always praised me. I thought he looked like a troll. He ended up working out and clearing his acne a little, he grew a little taller (still only like 5’6 but im 5’1) he started dressing a little nicer and being less whiny. He liked anime, I liked anime, he said he liked gaming (but usually I was the one hijacking his Skyrim account and gaming all night bc he didn’t actually game), we both did choir and he conveniently was always around to help. Finally my junior year I was 16, this was the age id always told myself I wanted to lose my v card. I didn’t want to wait too long bc then it would be an even bigger deal, my friends were losing theirs, I didn’t want to be like the weird one. I also started smoking weed and drinking a little bit, starting to go to parties and join social circles more legitimately. I also was more attractive, most everyone forgot the “shitty lay” and “she’s pregnant” rumors from freshman year. People weren’t so mean to me and the popular boys were starting to ask me out, I genuinely thought they were joking I was so defensive and id be a mean bitch. It felt good to be cruel to the people who were cruel to me. Lowkey it’s embarrassing but I gave tsundere vibes and I was proud of it, I felt cool for being one of the only kids smoking weed and id come to school late and stoned every day. One of the people who smoked me up for the first time was abusive ex 2, id originally planned to do all this stuff with a hotter friend but he went to a different school and we couldn’t coordinate. Ugly abusive ex 2 was my chemistry tutor so i had a handful of late FaceTimes and study halls with him. Then abusive ex 2 started to take me on dates, smoke me out, he spent like $50-100 every week taking me out and doing things with me, it was textbook lovebombing but to me I just thought he was trying to impress me after wanting me for so long.

Smugly, I brought up that id wanted to try sex with a friend just to get it out of the way. He was a virgin, I liked that, and he had an objectively bigger dick than I would’ve expected. Still never got much experience to know where it fell on a scale but yeah. I wanted no strings attached. I was the first to give a blowjob, it was kinda weird but not terrible. He came in like 30 seconds. But when it was his turn to go down on me bc he obviously wanted more, he made a stank face when he saw my pussy (an outie) and commented that I didn’t shave (just trimmed) before I could react he jams a finger in roughly, and tries to finger blast me like they do in porn while grossly licking everywhere but the clit. He didn’t like to eat pussy and told me every time after if I asked… I bled and it lasted maybe 3 or 5 minutes before he asked if I came. I said “I don’t know” and shakily got dressed. He reassured me we would learn to have better sex, I felt gross and regretted my choice. But then he doubled down on the gifts, on letting me crash at his house (my home life was chaotic to say the least), always getting me takeout or Starbucks or whatever I asked for every day, he gave me a big chunk of weed in a heart shaped jar and never told me no. My friends started to comment and how romantic it was and how I should give him a chance, he’s a nice guy. We had mid tier oral sex and smoked weed every day after school, I told him I didn’t want to have penetrative sex for a while and he was actually ok with it. When I was drunk on prom night we ended up having penetrative sex, it hurt and sucked and lasted about 1 minute. I felt dirty and weird after. I drunkenly took my makeup off and wondered if everyone enjoyed sex bc I didn’t think I did. I can’t tell you when it turned volatile exactly but he was porn brained, once we started having sex sex he told me about his kinks and we would try them, unsafely with no safe word, no foreplay, no after cuddles. I felt like a sex toy, and by this point id moved in full time because my parents didn’t want me at home. I don’t think I had a real orgasm the entire time, maybe a few times when I didn’t look at his face and fantasized about other men/women. Then he started to like slap me without warning in sex, or choke me incorrectly while my face turned purple. It was like violent things were the only things he could get off too. I felt like I was complacent but curious, I’d explore being “kinky”, is this what that was? We had such frequent aggressive sex, i had such low esteem just to feel desired made me tolerate a lot more than I should’ve. He started calling me a bitch and then the disrespect trickled into our real life as soon as I moved in. He knew I was more or less powerless and I didn’t have the esteem to leave. He would nit pick everything about me, and on top of that he was gross! I would tell him to stop being such a pig and a slob but he just told everyone I was a nag. Him and his alcoholic mom would gang up on me when he and I argued. I remember wanting to leave and every time I did the love bombing would continue, I wanted to be loved so badly… he would have sex with me when I was too fucked up to say yes, he would get off to me crying or gagging or choking, he liked to hit me. He liked anal sex. He liked calling me a bitch and being extremely rough. This was like… my only sex experiences so far. Then the rumors are that im kinky, im daddy issues, im slutty … it didn’t feel good and i felt trapped. I thought i had no other place to turn.

While a lot of those things could be considered sexual coercion rape (like anytime he was horny he expected sex and would threaten to kick me out if I didn’t) the times he actually raped me were terrible.

One time when we had argued at his house and i broke up with him he overpowered me in a physical fight ripped my clothes off and started fucking me, I went numb. Dissociated so hard I stayed the night just staring at the wall. He locked me in his room and wouldn’t let me leave many times, he told everyone I was crazy and left me with very few friends

He asked for anal and I said ok let’s try, he wasn’t gentle and he didn’t stop when I said no or slow down. He just kept fucking me roughly, it was like he got off to me hurting, similarly the first time we did anal the same thing happened except he used tingling lube that made it burn all the worse. My asshole tore and bled every time.

Made me blow him for 40+ minutes until my knees bled from the rough floor

He was having sex with me and I wanted to stop, he choked me until I was losing consciousness and slapped me until my ears were ringing not even hitting my face but the side of my ear. He said it was hot when I cried.

I had taken xanax and fallen asleep in bed, I had taken very strong triple pressed Xanax and it might have been the first time I did it. Although I’ve done xans since and even after a year long break wasn’t this fucked up. Idk if it was laced but anyways. I was out and couldn’t wake up. He started fucking me while I was drugged, I said no no no and tried to push him weakly. It felt like knives in my vagina, I was wet with blood bc I was dry when he started jamming it in. I kept blacking in and out I said no stop no. He came in me. I woke up in a puddle of cum and blood. My shirt was torn my panties missing. I couldn’t believe if it was real I felt like throwing up, dry heaved and nothing came out bc I didn’t eat for days. It hurt to pee, I had to strain. I still have to focus to pee now. Blood was on the tissue paper after. I immediately took a Xanax I couldn’t handle processing what happened, I didn’t have another place to stay for the next 2 weeks. I didn’t want to ask for help. I don’t remember much of that week I was doing so many drugs to numb the pain, he fucked me other times but I didn’t feel it or react. I wasn’t in my own body. I wasn’t even me anymore I was so damaged by the experience. Paralyzed. I ended up dumping him at a coffee shop during winter break, he violently raped me maybe two weeks prior. I’d spent time with my friends and out of state family mentally preparing to dump him. He said it was cool bc he wanted to fuck other girls anyways. I felt dirty and used up. I’d just let this ugly troll man abuse me for years, we were together for 2 years.

A week later I dropped out of school, partied every night, moved into a trap house, started dating my current bf I’ve been with for 6 years now.

[v01d3nt1ty]

this autism discovery thing is really bonkers. i have had a *notoriously* poor memory. i've only been able to recall lil snatches of my childhood for most of my adult life.

so now that i'm thinking on my life & ways i have historically experienced neurodivergent traits, my brain is learning how to remember. (it was only a couple of yrs ago when i learned this meant trauma.)

the point is.

i now have these absolute random memories of a time when i was very much being autistic &, ofc, the shame i was caused to feel bc i was an undiagnosed autistic child & i was doing smth i "shouldn't."

for example.

when i was abt 10 yrs old, close to the end of 5th grade, we had a Major Assignment that counted for like ½ of our grade. (like really? wtf. we're children.) anyway we had to do a report about a state that we chose.

i (inwardly) panicked bc i had No Fkn Clue what i was supposed to do. by that time i was already extremely timid & intimidated by authority, so i felt too scared to ask an Adult (also, it would mean i was stupid for not being able to figure out how to do something everyone else seemed to know how to do, & i was Gifted.) i don't remember much of that 2 wks, but i do remember anxiety & lying (i NEVER lied - i still don't - & it felt bad) to both my guardians (my mom, my grandparents)& my teacher abt how i was coming along on the report.

(idk why i didn't ask my bff for help, i'm going to guess it's bc i was always second to her & i didn't want to look stupid.)

anyway, time came to hand it in & i didn't. i was panicking so much like holy shit this is bad i'm going to get yelled at i'm not going to pass & i won't graduate w my friends & peers. i had a tummy ache all day & everything felt hazy. dissociation i suppose.

so after we get home, i'm playing w probably barbies idk but i'm playing on the floor, absolutely panicking, when my grandma gets a call from my teacher ofc. she comes & asks me what happened to the report & i was like "my teacher must have lost it." my grandma already knows i'm full of shit, but ig she decided to humor me, & says she'll call her back & ask her to look for it. & she was like you better hope she finds it. so she calls the teacher, recounting what i had said & ofc she doesn't have it. my grandma busts in & starts *screaming* at me. i start sobbing like i'm sorry i'm sorry. all i really remember was her saying "'SHE LOST IT, MY FOOT!" which even in my current emotional state i thought was weird. she repeated it like she was so furious she couldn't think of other words.

eventually she stormed out (probably yelling something like "what am i going to do with you?" & i sobbed for what felt like hrs (& might have been for all i know. i feel like i missed dinner idk.)

anyway, she actually does come & apologize at some point, probably hugs me & tells me she loves me, & says she'll try to figure it out, SIGH.

so, it got figured out, i graduated with my friends & peers. i had to do the report over the summer, & my grandma made me do an extra one for punishment.

IT. WAS. UNBEARABLY. BORING. but i got through it ok.

holy crap, did i just heal my trauma? maybe this will stop the nightmares i have abt not doing the work, not passing, & not being able to graduate (except in my dreams it's hs which is a Much Bigger Deal. sometimes i'm failing out of college instead of just dropping out like i did.)

just now recognising my grandma's inability to regulate her emotions.

🙃🙃🙃

[jkgnggj]

Love talking Abt tori's background I've done it a million times and will do it a million more it's just so interesting and there's so much unknowns grr

It def looks like tori's parents neglect him I doubt they even actually "raised" him since they're so hands off and absent in his life and hardly mentioned by him ever. The only time he mentions his old man is to boast Abt his "connections" like with the occult club thing where they were gonna stay at like an abandoned or empty temple or sum. Or when Tori boasts about his background saying he was born in a temple / comes from a temple family etc but I think he only says that to give himself more credibility bc of the whole everyone thinking he's crazy bc he says he can see ghosts shit.

Also from what we do know of his parents, we've only heard Abt his dad not his mom so I like to hc she's outta the picture (either deceased or just not there yk) tho I used to just hc he was an orphan dropped off there and taken in by the monks / head monk or something. Anyways, his dad is mentioned by the monks having said to be strict with Tori or "take care" of him and that's pretty much it, super vague. For all we know it isn't endearing or sweet it's controlling especially bc if the monk's idea of taking care of him is being strict and stuff then maybe Tori had a really strict and rigid daily routine and life growing up in the temple. I mean if his punishment is always gonna be fasting for a certain amount of days then I imagine he'd probs behave most of the time which is why he's well mannered or takes a traditional approach to some things (I think someone once questioned how odd it was he called kusuo saiki-san, like who taught him manners). Also his other temple the one he was probably raised in doesn't look like it had pretty memories considering the fact when he was threatened to be sent back there again he caved and did as he was told or whatever. Or maybe he didn't like the thought of being separated from his master and the cute girls at pk who hate his fucking guys who knows ☠️

And lastly Abt the "he's not a bad person" yes ur totally right I completely agree !! He isn't a bad person. He's got some bad habits and says and does some inappropriate shit but he's not that much of a scumbag as he's made out to be. He's actually a pretty sweet guy even tho he pretends not to be. Tho he only shows the better innocent parts of him he hides to ghosts and saiki. Like that one time he helped an "evil" ghost with the occult club. His lil mom speech was so cute I loved it so much lol! Mom friend toritsuka?! He also has this hatred for humans and like men specifically (maybe he has a dad complex? Or a monk complex? Since he's probably mostly and only been around men his entire life esp if his mom wasn't in the picture). So maybe that men hating attitude has something to do with past trauma who knows there could be so much to unpack. And as for me, I like to believe his hypersexualness / "porn addiction" is like some sort of coping mechanism or something similar. I said this in another post like a long time ago but I think it has to do with his sense of longing to *feel* what love is, to love and be loved. The closest thing he has to work on is lust or pleasure bc those are attributed to physical feelings that are closely related to love but not quite the same thing but it's as close as he'll ever get. I mean he's got mommy and daddy issues he was probably never hugged or held in his entire fucking life, it's no wonder he'd be craving physical affection and love and that twists itself into perversion. Also I imagine he's so obsessed with physical touch and being intimate because of the whole can't touch ghosts thing. Maybe the touching that was his coping mechanism for his powers became the reason he became so disliked, bc ppl started thinking ew gross pervert and it just stuck and in order to cope with that he just had to go with it and keep seeking stimulation.

thinking about toritsuka and his family bc i have so many things to say about it. we know that he has father but he seems to be more concerned about his temple things rather than his son. and it seems like he needs toritsuka just as another person to work in the temple or smth else. also uhh

this panel makes me think a lot especially that "your father told us to be strict with you". and we know nothing about his mother and i hc that she's dead but idk idk.

so toritsuka was born and raised in the temple and it looks like he had a very strict upbringing and to my mind this made him what he is now. like all his interest in porn and other seems more as a some kind of protest or an effort to feel the freedom he has never had before. i suppose that in reality he may be not that interested in this, it's just something that was forbidden and now he has access to it.

he doesn't know how to normally behave in society, apparently he wasn't taught this. in my view he's not a bad person, he just had this... unusual childhood and that's why he formed all his stupid habits and interests. ofc that doesn't justify some of his actions but still i love him sm and i don't see him as a bad person at all

[bucksangel]

welcome! here, you'll find all of my fics! you're always welcome to send me ideas that I could write about as well as ask questions or just talk to me abt my fics!

sit back, relax, and happy reading ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　tip jar　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

ᰔᩚ = suggestive | ✿ = fluff | ☁︎ = angst | ❧ = smut | ✩ = favorite | 𖤐 = dark

𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜

Beneath The Milky Twilight - sugarbaby!au (complete) ✿ ☁︎ ❧ ✩

Summary: Being Mr. Barnes’ personal assistant has been tough, balancing a full time job while taking care of your younger brothers has you running yourself thin. Then, things take a sharp turn after a dinner with your boss when you disclose your financial situation

General Warnings: fluff, angst, smut (each part will have specific warnings), a lil bit of jealousy, sugarbaby arrangement

word count: 32.9k

♡

run little bunny - softdark!ceo!bucky x naive!reader ✿ ❧ ✩ 𖤐

Summary: Being John Walker’s assistant is hard; he’s mean, disrespectful, misogynistic, the whole nine yards. On top of that, he hardly pays you fairly. So, when you’re fired for a mistake you’re sure wasn’t your fault, you’re at risk of being kicked out by your rude roommates. Luckily for you, James Barnes, a wildly successful CEO, has found his way into your life. And he’s going to take such good care of you.

General Warnings: 18+, mild coercion, some of it could be interpreted as stalking, smut, pet names (bunny, darling), dirty talk, dom!bucky and sub!reader, a little hurt-comfort, reader’s roommates are awful and mean, not john walker friendly but when am i ever

word count: ongoing

𝚍𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚜

Just One More ✿

Summary: Despite things needing to get done, it's hard to force yourself out of bed right when you wake up. Especially with a certain super-soldier demanding kisses in return for letting you leave his embrace.

General Warnings: fluff, kissing

Word Count: 828

𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

More Than A Mid Day Amusement ✿ ☁︎ ❧

summary: being in a relationship with an older man comes with challenges, all that come to a head one night when an old friend digs up some insecurities and threatens to break everything you have with the man you love.

warnings: 18+ ONLY, sugardaddy!au, age gap, angst, fluff, jealousy, love-making, fingering, unprotected p in v, bucky is a silver fox, pet names (princess), daddy kink, love confessions, happy ending

word count: 5k

♡

don’t worry, darling ✿

summary: even though bucky is mostly healed, that doesn’t mean his nightmares go away. and a particular grueling mission brings back memories he’d rather forget

warnings: angsttttt, hella fluff at the end though, hurt/comfort, talk of bucky’s trauma and abuse, brief mentions of murder of a hydra agent (he deserves it), nightmares, reader is here to love and comfort bucky, also civil war and everything after didn’t happen and they all live at the tower and everything is fine bc i said so

word count: 3.3k

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Temptation ☁︎ ❧ 𖤐

summary: “I found some land in upstate New York, it’s a quiet, woodsy area, with no neighbors for at least three miles. And when I saw her I knew I needed to go through with it. So I bought the property and I’ve been building the cabin myself, I just need a few more weeks to finish it and then I can bring her there with me.” or - bucky’s trying to get his life back in order, but everything changes when he sees you. He’s going to make you his, whether you like it or not.

warnings: 18+ only, kidnapping, stalking, bucky is weird and obsessed and full on delulu but not violent, implied abuse/threatening abuse (from steve), stockholm syndrome, solo masturbation, panty sniffing, mental manipulation, bucky’s trauma is brought up, steve makes an appearance and is weird and Not Nice At All, brief mention of arson for like one sentence, don’t read if any of these warnings trigger you

word count: 12.5k

Don't Blame Me (Love Made Me Crazy) - part 2 ✿ ❧ 𖤐 summary: You’ve been stuck in this cabin for a year, and over the course of that time you’ve tried so hard to remember that you didn’t come here willingly. But, Bucky is really good at making you forget that part, until, eventually, you come to believe that this is where you’re meant to be. No matter how you got here. warnings: 18+ ONLY!!! Minors DNI, references to kidnapping, full on stockholm syndrome, smut, wet dreams, fingering, oral (f receiving), soft love-making mixed with some roughness, squirting, crying is healthy, a little hurt-comfort, alpine makes an appearance word count: 6.4k

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The Blossom Tree Above ✿ ☁︎ ❧

Summary: Then, almost in slow motion, Bucky lifts his head, and he’s suddenly closer than he’s ever been. His face is mere inches from yours, he licks his lips and releases your hand from his face to place his on your thigh. Bucky’s face grows closer to yours, both of you breathing heavily as you prepare for what you’ve wanted ever since Bucky came to the tower. And just as you’re gaining the courage to kiss him first, a loud - Bang! Bang! Bang!

Warnings: sm-ut, 18+ only, tad bit of self-deprecation on Bucky's part, mild angst, mention of de-ath, or-al (f and m receiving), no actual penetration tho, so much fluff, sam and sarah are good bros, Bucky deserves happiness and he gets it finally, mild jealousy, pet names (plum, baby, sunshine (sam says this platonically))

Word Count: 8.3k

♡

Only An Illusion ❧

Summary: from the moment bucky laid eyes on you he knew you were the one for him. your sparkling eyes and shy smile coupled with your visible innocence awakens something primal in him, he needs to claim, take, ruin. the only thing standing in the way of that happening is the fact that you’re very much not single. and the lucky man to be with you? bucky’s son - a little shit with no idea how to treat a lady, much less care for a pure thing like yourself. but that’s okay because bucky is going to do anything it takes to make you his. Anything.

General Warnings: 18+ ONLY, mild manipulation, minor angst, fluff (if you could even call it that), bucky is a bit of a creep but it’s fine, fingering, oral (f receiving), allusions to penetrative sex, daddy kink, bucky babying reader, reader is hella naive, hints of little!reader

Word Count: 5.7k

♡

All You Want, the Stars and the Sun ᰔᩚ ☁︎ ✿ ✩

summary: “Lie to me.” The request is simple, softly spoken into your hair while his lips press themselves to the top of your head. There’s a long pause as you gather yourself enough to push through the inevitable, heart turning heavier with each silent second that passes. “Please.” And, fuck. The quiver in his voice does nothing to hide the clear pain in his soul, and a small teardrop slides down his cheek as you whisper softly. “I love you, Bucky.”

general warnings: 18+, angst, angst, and a little more angst, fluffy bits here and there, cheating (reader cheating on omc), unrequited love (not really), some crying and self-loathing, kinda toxic!reader???, allusions to smut, bucky needs a hug, modern!au, fluffy ending bc angsty endings hurt my heart

Word Count: 5.3k

♡

Do Not Fall in Love ✿ ✩

Summary: after becoming roommates with a virtual stranger - that stranger being the notorious bucky barnes - navigating living with him and an onset of feelings you refuse to acknowledge is working pretty well. that is, until, he gets injured far worse than you ever imagined.

warnings: fluff, a lil bit of angst, strangers to roommates to lovers

word count: 7.8k

♡

Awake My Soul ✿❧

Summary: “I’ll never be able to tell or show you how much I am in love with you. There are not enough words in any language I know to describe how grateful I am for you for helping me, and for showing me love and care when I refused to show it to myself. But I need you to know that I’ll spend forever trying to make you feel as happy and loved as you make me.”

Warnings: almost a tiny bit of angst but it's more like bucky being a lil self-deprecating, mostly happiness and love, smut so 18+, crying during sex (it's one of my kinks, sue me), that's all I think?

word count: 5.1k

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Give Me a Minute ✿ ☁︎

Summary: Meeting your boyfriends friends is always hard, especially when you're a young woman dating a 100 year old super soldier.

Warnings: everyone is alive and lives in the tower because i said so!au fluff, tension and angst interspersed, insecure bucky, insecure reader, the team (mainly tony, sam, and steve) talking negatively about reader behind her back/to bucky, bucky defending reader, fluffy ending, bucky likes new girl (the show), natasha is a good bro

word count: 3.9k

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Fall Leaves ✿ ᰔᩚ

Summary: After years of pining after Bucky, you're finally going on your first date with him. But will the scars from your past prevent you from moving forward?

warnings: none but absolute fluff and love, the reader being insecure, bucky having bde, lil bit of kissing and suggestive ending

word count: 2k

♡

The Spark ✿ ☁︎

Summary: James Barnes, the bane of your existence, the man you swore to stay away from. Though his naturally good looks and charming smile may fool many of the women around you, you refuse to fall into his trap. It gets harder to do with every interaction you have with him, and when Bucky gets taken by Hydra, you're forced to face your feelings or risk losing him forever.

Warnings: lil bit o' angst, fluff, 1940's!au, the reader is a nurse during the war, mentions of captivity, mentions of dead people/war talk, happy ending

Word Count: 6.5k

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Until We Meet Again ✿ ☁︎ ✩ ᰔᩚ

Summary: The Blip changed everything and everyone. With Bucky now gone, and a toddler to raise, you find yourself leaning on Steve for support, as he does with you. What happens when, five years later, Bucky returns to find his best friend and best girl raising a kid? His kid.

Warnings: 18+ ONLY, passing mentions of death, grieving, a whole lot of angst to start off with, but then a whole lot of fluff, and then a sprinkle of more angst and then some more fluff, angst with a happy ending, mentions of smutty times

Word Count: 7k

♡

Good For You ✿ ✩ ᰔᩚ

Summary: Bucky Barnes, feared assassin and badass on the field, meets you, Natasha’s friend and tattoo artist. Suddenly he’s become shy, unable to merely function from the moment he sees you. But as long as you keep talking to him like that, he’d make a fool of himself over and over just to have your undivided attention.

Warnings: fluffffff out the ass, nervous/shy!bucky, bucky is bisexual because I say so, lil bit of subby!bucky, allusions to smutty times at the end, maybe a bit rushed?? idk please lmk, reader is cocky because Bucky is clearly in love and it’s precious, maybe a part 2 with an actual date and smutty times??

Word Count: 4k

♡

Delicate ❧

Summary: Bucky Barnes, known as the ‘king of New York’, is ruthless and powerful, running everything with an iron fist. He has no weaknesses, other than you. You’re his world, his soulmate, his angel, and he’d do anything and everything to keep you safe. What John Walker, an up-and-coming mobster with irrational tendencies, doesn’t understand, is that you’ll do the same for Bucky.

Warnings: sexy times so 18+ i stg, smut smut smut, kinda femdom!reader and sub!bucky, use of  pet names (good boy, angel), dry-humping, unprotected p in v sex (I STG don’t have sex with someone without being in a committed relationship and have been tested), reader is a total badass, minor/off screen character deaths, misogyny towards reader, john walker makes an appearance but not for long, mild plot but mostly porn

Word Count: 2.6k

𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜

Milk and Honey - poly alpha!stucky x omega!reader au ✿ ❧

Summary: Though Steve and Bucky are both alpha's, their bond and love for each other transcends designation. However, that doesn't mean they haven't thought of courting an omega, bringing in another person to their relationship. After several failed attempts with other omegas, they seem to meet the perfect one in the form of a shy artist.

or - alphas bucky and steve decide to bring in an omega into their relationship.

General Warnings: fluff out the asssss, reader is a little awkward, there are bits where it's just steve and bucky, 18+, will add more warnings as I upload

Word Count: ongoing

𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

You Taste Like Suburbia - poly mafia!stucky x reader 𖤐 ❧

Summary: Your lousy boyfriend John Walker owes quite a bit of money to some pretty shady people. And since he doesn’t have the means to pay, he’s brought you along to a negotiation to meet them - and hopefully entice them into accepting a different form of payment.

word count: 6.4k

warnings: 18+, smut, dub-con kind of, a tiny bit of stalking/dark behavior (it’s only hinted at), voyeurism i guess?, vaginal fingering, oral (f & m receiving), threesome, poly relationship, petnames (princess, kitten, beautiful), daddy kink, sir kink, unprotected p in v, a little bit of misogyny (not from stucky), not john walker friendly, mentioned verbal abuse, mention of murder (you have to squint and turn your head 90 degrees)

𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

Come Morning Light ✿ ☁︎

Summary: Bucky is still healing, and Steve, ever the good husband, will be there to support him every step of the way.

Warnings: a bit of angst, but happy/hopeful ending, a self-indulgent hurt/comfort fic, bucky is sad but steve is here to make it better, mentions of depression, anxiety, and ptsd, fluffy bits towards the end

Word Count: 2.1k

[majickth]

majick. majick. i am so curious. care to tell us more abt the garden au? o.o

OH I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED Bear with me here, because its one hell of a plot summary

so it starts at a boarding school, Imperium Academy. Old place, apparently built on the remains of a castle, fairly prestigious though not without its share of mysterious. One of which involves the disappearance of a student three years ago -- a mystery that still haunts Scott considering that said student was his brother. Set to uncover the truth of his missing brother, Scott teams up with a group of friends after discovering a mysterious map and key leading into the surrounding woods.

Following the map leads to the ruins of an old garden which, plot twist, have been found and restored by the Unofficial Official Garden Club, a secret little group headed by Pearl. The club doesn’t take kindly to being discovered; doubly so when Pix, realizing that the map leads to some place beyond the garden, begins to tear down some of the plants. Doing so reveals a small hidden door that can be unlocked with the key found previously. The group, realizing that they’ve got a proper mystery on their hands, do the reasonable thing of going through the strange door and find themselves...

In a place that’s very much not their own world. In fact, this new world seems straight out of a fantasy novel. There’s elves, talking animals, magic -- it’s strange but exciting. Stranger yet, when the group does return back to the school, it seems like no time has passed despite days or even weeks going by in the fantasy world. The group explore, make friends with the local populace of magical beings, and even battle monsters -- at Imperium, they’re just kids, but here, they’re heroes.

During one adventure, they’re tasked with investigating some great darkness that’s been threatening some great sacred temple. The group go, ready to fight, and find...themselves. They’re statues, twelve in total, and they’re dressed in regal clothing and look much older, but it’s definitely the group. Before they can process what this all means, they’re attacked by a demon. This creature, whatever it is, is relentless. It’s too fast, too strong, it can even turn friends against one another -- and it defeats the twelve. Miraculously, no one dies, but the mental and physical trauma is...heavy. Heavy enough that, when everyone gets back to the real world, Pix leaves the door locked.

Following the Incident, the group split apart. Pix is the first, getting pulled out of the school and labelled a traitor. People graduate. They stop talking to one another. No one goes back to the garden...

Except Pearl, who still has the scars from the demon, but doesn’t want to see her sunflowers wilt.

There’s a timeskip, 10 years or so.

Pix, now an archeologist and history professor, has ironically managed to put the past behind him -- until news arrives of Pearl’s disappearance. Stranger yet is the arrival of an amnesiac named False who comes bearing a letter from the missing Pearl:

“It’s not over. Never was. We need to go back to where it all began.”

The group (+ False and Pearl’s strange roommate Oli) must now reunite to find their missing friend and return to a world behind the walls of...The Garden.

[foxtwink]

Concepts + Relationships in Goncharov (1973)

I finally watched Goncharov and wanted to post my own analysis because it destroyed me emotionally ;-; This will be focused on certain scenes / concepts that stand out to me, and scenes related to Goncharov or Katya. It also gets more unprofessional and rambly the further it gets as I lose my sanity. Enjoy!

It's incredibly significant to me that a movie portraying positive gay relationships was filmed during a time when the Hays Code was active. It really shows the resilience and continual survival/presence of the LGBT+ community, even when faced with hostility from the outside world. Of course the gay relationships aren't the focus of Goncharov but like, the fact that gay relationships never needed to be in this movie at all?? They weren't essential to the plot. The movie wasn't about or centered around queer relationships. Those queer relationships just... existed. Director Martin Scorsese just... chose queer representation. It's super unfortunate that queer representation did end up leading to Goncharov's heavy censorship when it was released but I think being able to rediscover it in 2022 has given a lot of us in the queer community hope and has turned Goncharov into sort of a 'queer icon' type movie? And might be what has led to Tumblr's huge obsession over it. (Because as you know, the presence of gays on Tumblr is huge).

Goncharov (1973) is also culturally significant. The anchovies scene. THE ANCHOVIES SCENE. They really single-take improv'ed a scene discussing fUCKING PIZZA and USED IT AS AN ALLEGORY for old, traditional values vs. new progressive values. THE ACTORS ARE FUCKING BRILLIANT??? Not only this but the anchovies scene as the setup to homoerotic Andrey x Goncharov implications ?! smortass gae men plsss. What's so important about this scene to me is that it reflects how many of my friends and I might have a conversation. They're just cooking and they start talking about food. then that leads to an INTELLECTUAL discussion about values, using what they're doing (cooking) as a metaphorical comparison point. AndTHEY DID IT SO WELL???? FIND ME ONE PERSON IRL WHO CAN USE ANCHOVIES ON PIZZA TO MAKE A POINT ABT PROGRESSIVE / NEW IDEAS BEING SCARY BUT ALSO POSSIBLY BEING GOOD BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW UNTIL YOU TRIED IT???? i am iN LOVE

OK LET ME AT SOFIA FOR A MOMENT GRRRRGRGRGRRR BARK BARK BARK GRRRRRRRRR. Sofia is insane. When we're first introduced to this character she fucking bITES SOMEONE'S EAR OFF in the background of a shot?? SHE IS A BITER she is crazy I LOVE HER. Biter representation fr. Then while Katya and Sofia are having their wlw sequence, and they fight, Sofia ruthlessly starts fucking drowning her ??? Against Katya's reasonability, her love, her "this isn't how we end sof" they're fighting, Katya's dying, the slowing thudding heartbeat with the ticking watch, it's all so.. visceral. Tangible. It's a scene you FEEL deep in your bones. You recognize in that moment that Sofia just... is a wild card. No apologies, no purpose, no meaning. She's not a manic pixie dream girl, no Harley Quinn, she's not written up for some redemption arc or to be "misunderstood" just for later trauma reveal and healing sequences. She just... is. She's insane and awful and tragic and amazing and beautiful too. She's a force of nature. She truly makes you feel entropy incarnate.

Next up the apple scene. CAN WE TALK ABT THE REPEATED FOOD SYMBOLISM IN THIS MOVIE??? Goncharov offering Andrey the apple ??? Adam and Eve allegory ???? The entire scene basically screams "hey im gay (corruption) come be gay (corrupted) with me" and I LOVE IT. but the fact that ANDREY FUCKING REFUSES TO EAT IT??? Like. im SOBBING this is such an emotional and symbolic scene and we can see Andrey struggling with himself here. He doesn't know what he wants yet. He doesn't want to make hasty decisions. Yes, he takes the apple, but he also doesn't eat it- he's tempted but he doesn't commit. He knows better than to follow his basic impulses. He decides to spend time getting to know Goncharov better instead. This scene really offers a lens into Andrey's character and gives him dimension rather than making this a Gay Romance ™️

NEXT UP: clock tower scene !!!!! wow. wowowowowoowowow. ok. wow i can't breathe. this scene is STUNNING. 1) the clock symbolism, relating back to Katya's watch. 2) the actual aesthetic, gorgeous spinning brass and silver accents with the sunlight and everything. 3) the STANDOFF between Goncharov and Andrey. Goncharov is so scared and paranoid. He has that gun pulled and pointed at Andrey, he's shaking, he's visibly upset and unwell. Andrey is an absolute statue, the fucking image of calm over here smoking a cigarette not even worried. Such gorgeous juxtaposition man I wanna cry. 4) the gunshot. when Goncharov pulled the trigger I jumped so hard, hell I expect anyone who watched this movie jumped and yet the focus on Andrey and he's still standing just as still, not a twitch not a jump. He was looking away from Goncharov and yet he didn't fear for his life for a SECOND. He knew he wasn't going to get shot. I can't believe this sexy ass man's nerve but it makes him so beautiful and contrasts so well with Goncharov's paranoia. And then the "Time is something you can’t stop, Goncharov" line after Goncharov has blown out the clock in the tower with his gunshot like COME ON who even thinks of something that iconic to say except sexy ass Andrey / sexy ass director Martin Scorsese ughhhh

and finally we reach the death of Goncharov, and the primary theory of all Goncharov enthusiasts: gay sex would've fixed everything. Would it have though... would it really have? Because now we know of Andrey's betrayal. The way he kills Goncharov... and shouldn't we have known it all along when he refused to eat the apple Goncharov offered? And Andrey shoots Goncharov in the back. It's like how in the clock tower, he had his back turned to Goncharov when Goncharov could've shot him... now there is a role reversal, but Andrey does shoot. And he has the chance to shoot Katya too but Katya kills him first. We don't see much one-on-one interaction between Katya and Andrey in this movie but the standoff between Goncharov's love interest and his Literal Wife is so powerful and you can really tell that even though Katya and Goncharov as a couple are over (or were over for a while) she still cares about him strongly. She still loves him. She avenges him swiftly and with no hesitation, not just to save her own life. She is cradling Goncharov's body as she sees Andrey and sheds that last single tear, and she has sympathy for him and his lost love. Katya is so strong. So brave. So beautiful. She is the ultimate strong ass woman and she does right by her dead husband and she kills for love. She is an amazing character and she absolutely is the only one to deserve to live.

------

p.s. this was created with the help of a mass document on Goncharov (1973) developed by various Tumblr users. thank you all for your labor of love in creating this doc !!