#i have to use public transport today i need...focus..brains..

[softghostbite]

I would screech ominously if I was not laughing so hard I ran out of instant coffee then raided my old jars and one had like half of a small teaspoon left so....enough to drink from my tiniest glass...🥹

[emp-711]

Triumphs and frustrations with a complex physical disability and a brain at nearly midlife… Searching for a champion to share and grow with

My Cerebral Palsy made life without diapers very traumatizing for me. From age 4–21, I was in underwear with bladder accidents from spasms at least once a week. Toilet training was a point of pride for my mom, even though most doctors and my preschool and elementary teachers told her not to focus on it. She thought I could outthink my body. Instead, having to plan my relief breaks around other people has given me kidney issues at 42 and that is after choosing to go back into diapers as a junior in college. Based on this experience, wearing diapers is healthier than waiting on people to help me to the bathroom. Also, as a guy who is 6 foot 4 and 170 pounds, toilet transfers several times a day are exhausting and potentially dangerous for me and my support people.

There is no correlation between incontinence and intelligence. Mom said she didn’t want me diapered after the typical age because she thought people would perceive me as being stupid…Well I have been wearing 24/7 for over 20 years including under my gown at my Ph.D graduation… 😘 … My advice to emerging adults with disabilities is that your ability to accomplish great things is a product motivation, not the undergarments you are wearing. In my observation and experience, the responsibility of motivation evolves throughout the developmental process. Initially, this responsibility lies with parents and other supports, to explore and educate themselves about success stories of adults with similar challenges, focusing on understanding the strategies that have led to positive outcomes. As youth with disabilities approach preadolescents (middle school), the responsibility gradually for exploration and experimentation gradually shifts from solely residing with the parental figure to a joint venture that increasingly becomes more driven by curiosity of the individual themselves. Today’s adolescent preteen and teenager is constantly engaged with personal technology and electronic media. The focus of at least some of this screen time can be given to meaningful discovery of not only strengths, interests, and abilities but also the possible strategies that can be used to bring abstract dreams into reality. As the time for high school approaches, a portion of this exploration time should be dedicated to experiential learning, this includes testing strategies that will allow the person with self-care challenges to participate in their community with minimal effects from their limitations. Some examples of considerations include exploring methods for community access through transportation, strategies for accessing nutrition while public and elimination (bladder/bowel) management.

My decision to use diapers full-time again with the occasional addition of male catheters, as I eluded to earlier, was the product of a New Year’s resolution in 2002. Ironically, I felt as if this was a means of asserting control over one aspect of my life. It was around the age of 25 that I began to realize that there were some unintended social consequences of my decision that I am still struggling to overcome. I have learned that midstream people are not very receptive to a guy in a wheelchair who needs fed and his diapers changed, but otherwise is completely cognitively intact, even bright with a sarcastic and very dry wit.

 I had to learn to have fun with it along the way, finding companionship from people who will understand my needs and embrace my choices has been difficult. After some research, I discovered that there was a group of people who enjoyed doing the same things I needed and mostly by choice, the ABDL and medfet communities. Happiness for me will be finding a woman who considers the AB and medical needs as normal and has fun doing it. The lifestyle or fetish angle removes the awkwardness for both of us. It would be awesome to be in a crowded public place (i.e. restaurant, sporting event) and know that there is at least one other person there who is experiencing the same sensation I am feeling inside as well as from the diaper against my body and clothing. At last I will not feel alone in the world. There is also some intrigue and humor in the idea that only we know that each other is wearing. For those of you who prefer more crude or masculine visualization, as I used to say in one of my profiles on a certain ABDL dating site, a diaper nor wheelchair should not also be a chastity belt. Just because I must wear for medical reasons does not mean I am stupid or otherwise not worthy of sharing myself with someone. Sexual intimacy alone is rarely the basis for a solid long-term relationship, however human touch is essential for me. Having no inhibitions about giving or receiving a hug or cuddle is a must for me because I have been deprived of it so much because of misconceptions about body and mind. I am looking for a partner who understands my ambitions and is not afraid to explore their own. The ability to have someone who you can share your most intimate thoughts and feelings with even on the worst days would be a blessing for me. I hope to find someone who is willing to learn and grow together.

If you’re still smiling after reading this… DM me or comment below :-)

[jjm-blogspot]

Writing Tips: Advice on getting into your writing flow

Since it’s Monday, I decided to outline a few strategies that might help start everyone’s writing week off strong. The advice I have listed is what I use for not only writing, but studying as well. During my study sessions I focus on getting 6 solid hours in (split up into 2 hour blocks), but a lot of preparation goes into getting my mind ready for those blocks.

Staying focused for long periods of time is not an easy task. Our brains like to be stimulated. When they’re not, we start losing focus and end up producing low quality work. So before you get into your flow, make sure your body is equipped for whatever “workout” you have in store for it. To assist in this aspect, I’ve compiled some tips.

Here’s what I’ve got:

1. Write when your mind is most alert

This may vary depending on everyone’s lifestyle, but usually our minds are most alert 1-2 hours after waking up. This window allows for optimal productivity because you’ll be refreshed. Sure, those plot holes are likely to still be glaring at you, but now that you’re well rested you may be able to see things from a new angle.

2. Write without interruptions

Keep distractions minimal so you can give yourself the opportunity to put everything into your writing session. If you can’t get the house to yourself, then find public spaces where noise is kept to a minimum like public libraries, books stores, or coffee shops. If those places are packed, then maybe look into moving things to a quiet park bench. Whatever works best for you.

And in cases where you don’t have a means for transportation, or the library is out of reach for you, set boundaries with the people in your living space. Put a sign up on your door so your family members or roommates know not to interrupt. Or better yet, sit them down and give them a time frame of when you’ll be writing so they know not to bother you.

Set boundaries for your writing.

3. Set a routine

Being consistent is a great key to success in any area in life. Routines can help train your brain into associating certain time periods or locations with writing. A good example of this would be my work desk I have in the corner of my room. Whenever I sit at that desk it flips a switch that cues my brain into thinking, “Okay, she needs me to be focused for these next 2 hours.”

Another technique I use is positive reinforcement; I add something I like to the end of a daunting task. So if I have to get through a particularly rough chapter, I make myself sit through at least a couple hundred words. Then I pop a piece of candy in my mouth. This opens those dopamine pleasure-reward pathways in my brain to associate that good things will happen whenever I start writing.

4. Find an accountability buddy

If you find it hard to motivate yourself, then find someone who can help you out along the way. Writing buddies are great because they hold us accountable to meeting our goals, offer us other insight on things we’re stuck on, and keep us motivated when we lose sight of the original objective. And while I don’t have a writing buddy myself, I am in a writing discord server where people are allowed to share snippets of their works, or just talk about their stories in brainstorming sessions. But the part I like most about it is the progress section they have set aside. Basically you just write what you achieved that day writing wise. It could be something small (”I wrote 200 words today!”) or something on a larger scale that took more time to achieve (”I hit 150k today!”).

I like the progress section because it’s kind of my own way of being accountable for the strides I’m making with my story without feeling too stressed out if I don’t get much done that day. It’s a good section to have because it celebrates every milestone as a huge success, even if it doesn’t feel like much. But writing is a difficult task, so anytime you manage to take time out of your day to write something, you should celebrate.

5. Take breaks

If you woke up early to write about 1-2k words and you suddenly hear your stomach growling, then step away from your writing and get something to eat. And maybe take a walk while you’re at it. Jump back into your writing block when you’re feeling refreshed. Burnout is the number one thing we want to avoid. When you’re overworked your productivity falls. But, even worse, burnout can lead to physical and emotional issues down the line.

So take time out of writing to focus on mental health and self care. It’s not a race. Go at whatever pace you need to.

Be selfish in this aspect.

***

Cheers to a productive week 🥂

[kiranxrys]

Alone Together Episode 1 Transcript - Alexander Siddig & Andrew Robinson

I hadn’t seen a transcript for this episode going around on Tumblr yet and I thought I would quickly make one to share with anyone who would prefer to read or wants to read along/revisit the first episode in text form (and the YouTube subtitles are mostly useless, annoyingly). Please let me know if you think I’ve made an error anywhere and I’ll amend it!

watch: one | two | three | four

read: two | three | four

ANNOUNCER (ON-SCREEN): ‘Alone Together’ - a DS9 companion, Episode 1 - ‘These Days’. It has been about 25 years since the Dominion War ended. The Federation isn’t quite the same. Starfleet is much more consistently militarized these days. Earth may be paradise, but humanity is less ideologically empathetic. Since the recent Romulan attempts to extinguish synthetic life by infiltrating Starfleet Command, benevolence is taking a backseat to security these days. 

Elim Garak has been Castellan of the Cardassian Assembly since the new order was established following the Dominion War. Garak, of course, also has direct control over a newly resurrected Obsidian Order, though not by title. 

Julian Bashir is still a doctor on Deep Space 9 but is also coordinating the activities of Section 31. What we’ve learned is that upon sharing a consciousness with Luther Sloane using stolen Romulan technology, his genetically enhanced brain committed much of what he learned to his eidetic memory. That information had to be contained but could be put to good use. He was given little choice in the matter. Maintaining his cover as a Chief Medical Officer in the Bajoran sector met his needs, and he saw no reason to change.

[fade to black]

JULIAN BASHIR (VOICE ONLY): Mission log, stardate 737114. I’m approaching Cardassia Prime in response to a rather enigmatic request for medical aid from Castellan Garak, the leader of the Cardassian government. Though it’s hardly surprising that Garak might be withholding information, it seems that a reunion of sorts will be forthcoming. I’ve left the Infirmary in the capable hands of Doctor Jabara while I’m off the station. I must admit, I’m not entirely sure what to expect. 

JULIAN (ON-SCREEN): Bashir to Central Command, I’ve just entered orbit of Cardassia Prime, requesting approval to transport to Cardassia.

ELIM GARAK (VOICE ONLY): Stand by, Doctor. Don’t be in such a hurry.

JULIAN: Garak. I didn’t expect you to be at the Central Command, it’s good to hear your voice.

GARAK: My dear doctor, are we starting the lies already?

JULIAN (LAUGHING): It’s true, Garak. It’s good to hear your voice! That’s not a- Look, more importantly, if you’ll grant approval I can beam to your current location.

GARAK: Doctor, I’m not at Central Command. I’ve merely intercepted your subspace communications link. Unfortunately, Doctor, the Federation will not be setting foot on Cardassia today, and, to be quite honest, you don’t want to be here.

JULIAN: Garak, your message suggested some urgency in my arrival. Quite frankly, what the hell am I doing here if I can’t beam down?

GARAK: Would you uh- [laughs] believe pure, unadulterated nostalgia?

JULIAN: Would you?

GARAK (ON-SCREEN): [laughs] I missed you too Doctor. So, how is life on the station?

JULIAN: Well, Bajoran fashions just aren’t the same since you left.

GARAK: I’m sure.

JULIAN: But much of life has returned to what it once was, as much as it ever could, I suppose. Now-

GARAK: I was sorry to hear about Dax.

JULIAN: Thank you. I um… I miss Ezri every day. Ten years. I, well, that is- we, Dax and I, we tried to make it work. I- I was so happy Dax made it back to Trill on time. Cairn and I, we were very different people. He’s a botanist – can you imagine? Dax as a botanist. I suppose it’s why Keiko didn’t seem to mind my business as much. She and Dax had so much to talk about but, well, once the Symbiosis Commission discovered our continued relationship, well, we just uh- we couldn’t-

GARAK: Doctor, there’s no need to explain.

JULIAN: No. Dax always encouraged me to talk about my feelings, though there’s not much else to say, really. I had never really considered being in love with another man, but it was Dax. Ezri, Jadzia, even Cairn, it was Dax, is Dax. But we- we just couldn’t- I didn’t-

GARAK: It is difficult to find a good counselor to sort out our deepest sorrows these days.

JULIAN: I suppose it is.

GARAK: You’re an honourable man, Doctor. You loved Dax, you could do nothing less than your heart demanded. I know the pain of love all too well, especially a love that has everything working against it.

JULIAN: Ziyal.

GARAK: Ziyal, yes. Yes, even exiles have hearts, Doctor. Even [laughs] Elim Garak. When it comes right down to it, he has a heart as well. In fact, my heart is partially the reason why I’m here.

JULIAN: So, this is a house call? Damn it, Garak, why didn’t you tell me on subspace? What- what are your symptoms? Why don’t you want me to beam down?

GARAK: Well, so many questions, one hardly knows which to answer first.

JULIAN: Your symptoms, Garak. What is wrong with your heart?

GARAK: Well, it’s not just my heart, Doctor. Actually the most concerning symptom seems to be a degenerative condition that causes the ill to be especially susceptible to suggestion. Luckily my infection is relatively new, and rather unexplained as my exposure to the public tends to be limited to state functions and the like, you know, the life of a politician.

JULIAN: The ill? Garak, what are you saying?

GARAK: A virus, Doctor. Cardassia appears to be facing a- a minor health issue. We’re trying to contain the infection to one region, but we may have moved… far too late.

JULIAN: A minor health issue? You are a champion of understatement! ‘The ill’ suggests that this isn’t just about you but your ability to hide the facts seems to have been tainted over the years.

GARAK: Doctor?

JULIAN: Since your speech at the Lakarian City memorial, the ridges on your neck have grown paler and your breathing rate has increased.

GARAK: You liked my speech?

JULIAN: Damn it, Garak, you contacted me! How is this the first time that I’m hearing about this? Why is the planet not being quarantined? Your message said ‘medical aid’ – I assumed that I was just coming here as a preliminary consultation having something to do with one of your colonies. Now it sounds like an outbreak that needs to be contained.

GARAK: Doctor, quarantine means announcing the problem to the galaxy. This is an internal matter. You obviously don’t appreciate the severity of this virus, but you needn’t worry – no one is allowed to leave Cardassia, no one is currently being permitted to enter the atmosphere.

JULIAN: I cannot imagine you can contain the population without a reason. Just how bad is it?

GARAK: Oh, I’ve given them a reason, Doctor, but you shouldn’t worry about that. There are more important things requiring your focus right now.

JULIAN: Of course. How much- how many are infected?

GARAK: At last count, the virus had been contained to three continents. Nearly 68% of the population in those regions has been infected.

JULIAN: And you call it a ‘minor issue’ Garak?! That’s a pandemic!

GARAK: Doctor, when I say that the ill have developed a degenerative condition, I speak specifically of their thought processes. It is true that we have determined that it is a virus – a biological contaminant of sorts – but the Central Command is hardly a healthcare organization and while the degeneration is affecting the cardiopulmonary system as well, all of the symptoms seem to be driven by misfiring neurons, and therein lies the problem.

JULIAN: A virus that affects the brain is no small problem. The fact that early infections are showing in terms of dysfunction relatively mild systems doesn’t mean people won’t start to die.

GARAK: Yes, Doctor. And I haven’t.

JULIAN: My God, Garak. You’re infected.

GARAK: Why do you think I contacted you? I want the best.

JULIAN: And hoping that my genetic enhancements will allow me to diagnose your symptoms without scanning equipment?  

GARAK: I really have missed your mistrust, Doctor. The physicians here have the tendency to avoid the necessary dispassion for harder truths. You, however, have a refreshingly forthright bedside manner.

JULIAN: Wow, a compliment. You must be neurologically compromised. Well of course, of course I’ll do everything that I can. Do you know anything more about the virus? How is it passed on? How does it proliferate in the body? Have your doctors attempted any therapies that show any promise?

GARAK: Well, it seems to take several days to propagate in the carrier. During that time, sufferers develop a rather serious cough... [inaudible] …the dispatcher reaches the brain so our assumption it that it is spread through the air. Most hospitals have been closed to all but the infected to try and control the outbreak. As a result, our doctors are learning from their patients as they are treating them. As it stands now, they can only treat symptoms. Medical staff is reporting to external bodies to ensure that anyone studying the infection isn’t also battling a neurological disease. Progress is limited and all too slow.

JULIAN: Garak, I’m not sure how I can help you if I can’t examine you or access your data.

GARAK: Doctor, I’m afraid I can’t allow you to put yourself at risk. After all, I’m counting on you to save us all. And I believe that an outside perspective may be exactly what we need.

JULIAN: So no pressure?

GARAK: You’re a bright man, Doctor – put that genetically-enhanced brain of yours to work.

JULIAN: Well, I can’t examine you from orbit. My shuttlecraft sensors may be able to me that you’re alive, they can isolate you for transport, but they can hardly determine more than the most modest of life signs, and while I can see outward symptoms, Garak, I can’t for the life of me figure out how to see through your skull. I suppose I could transport a tricorder down there for a preliminary scan.

GARAK: I’m afraid I can’t allow that, Doctor.

JULIAN: Oh, of course you can’t. Can you send me your most recent medical scans?

GARAK: Unfortunately, no.

JULIAN: And why not?

GARAK: All of my genuine medical records are routinely deleted and replaced with falsified data. All data rods in which those records once existed have been destroyed, all computers in which the data rods were placed have been vaporized. My dear doctor, I’m the leader of the Cardassian people! Especially now, I can’t afford to broadcast my weaknesses to all, to anyone who feels they could exploit them.

JULIAN: The more things change, the more they remain the same.

GARAK: Meaning?

JULIAN: A presumption of godliness, most certainly a great paranoia. You haven’t managed to find yourself a staff that you trust to protect your life. To be quite honest, I’m surprised your staff doesn’t have implants that allow you to control them.

GARAK: Oh, Doctor, your assumptions hurt me deeply! Of course they do. If news of this infection gets out, and I can’t be clearer than this, Cardassia will be devastated. And we won’t be the only world that will fall.

JULIAN: Garak, you seem to believe that I can cure this virus from orbit, without any information.

GARAK: Well, Doctor, this virus doesn’t only infect the average citizen. Everyone is at risk. Everyone – the government, the military. Imagine if only a few of their people were infected. They find it difficult to concentrate. They’re finding themselves susceptible to suggestion. And what if intelligence agents of foreign governments found their way to Cardassia during this crisis?

JULIAN: It could destroy the Cardassia you’ve been rebuilding for over two decades.

GARAK: Yes.

JULIAN: But quarantine would keep foreign nationals off-planet and keep the rest of us safe from infection, assuming it can even infect off-worlders.

GARAK: Again, Doctor, it would announce the problem before we have a solution.

JULIAN: But it could help produce the solution you so desperately need!

GARAK: The risk is too great, Doctor.

JULIAN: Garak! Lives are at stake!

GARAK: Hundreds, perhaps thousands, to save billions. Doctor – will. You. Help. Me?

JULIAN: First and foremost, I’m a doctor, Garak. And I’m your friend.

GARAK: Yes. One more thing we should keep to ourselves.

JULIAN: You know Garak… you are being more paranoid than usual. You remind me of the exiled tailor I met so many years ago.

GARAK: Ah, but as you said yourself Doctor, the more things change-

JULIAN: The more they stay the same. But Garak, so much has changed. You’re the leader of your people.

GARAK: Julian… let’s drop the pretensions, shall we?

JULIAN: Whatever do you mean?

GARAK: You know that I have rebuilt the Obsidian Order, and the reason that I know that you know is because I know that you are working for Starfleet Intelligence. Your posting at Deep Space 9 is merely your cover. Why would a religious sanctuary like Deep Space 9 need a doctor of your capability, with such a limited Starfleet presence? I must admit, you have done an excellent job of obscuring your intelligence role.

JULIAN: Dear, dear Garak. Have you been keeping tabs on me? I suppose of all people you would be the only person I might be able to trust with such information. Assuming any of your conclusions are true. But Starfleet still has a presence and Deep Space 9 is still a major way station for commerce and diplomacy in the Bajoran sector.

GARAK: Of course you can trust me with sensitive information Julian-

JULIAN: [chuckles]

GARAK: -at least until there’s a reason you can’t. Oh, but let’s hope it never comes to that. I do like you; I did from the very beginning. You may be my only true friend. Since Mila’s passing, our all too infrequent exchanges have been my only respite from a world without trust. The political world on Cardassia deplores a vacuum and the old ways are clung to, even after the war. It took me years to bring Cardassians around to another way of thinking. The arts are celebrated, the people are fed. Life is no longer a struggle, but… paranoia is rampant once more.

JULIAN: Then I suppose you’ve been the ideal leader.

GARAK: Well, I do appear to have the appropriate skill set and experience, yes.

JULIAN: You could always go back to being a plain, simple tailor.

GARAK (LAUGHING): You would be surprised by how many of my old vocations I still dabble in. I’ve even taken up taxidermy! Yes, it’s true! But stuffing a tribble isn’t as challenging as perhaps a six-legged [uncertain] marsupial, but it passes the time. And so many wonderful things fit inside an animal that need only trill to appear alive.

JULIAN: [laughs]

GARAK: But as you said Julian, you are my friend, and one of the things I learned from working in the Obsidian Order under Enabran Tain, was that friends are a liability. Enemies are easy. Friends… friends are the challenge. When I was his protégé I had a job to do, relationships were tools to achieve my objectives. I don’t have time for friends, I don’t have room for emotional attachments.

JULIAN: And then you were exiled.

GARAK: And then… I was exiled.

JULIAN: I had no idea.

GARAK: About what?

JULIAN: Am I your only friend?

GARAK: Well… the only one living.

JULIAN: You said that your cardiopulmonary system seems to be demonstrating symptoms consistent with this neurolytic virus.

GARAK: Mm-hmm.

JULIAN: I need to at least access the database being used by the off-site researchers working on a cure.

GARAK: I’m sorry to disappoint you, Doctor – I’ve never been an ideal patient, as you well know. But while I trust you, I cannot risk any access that Starfleet Intelligence might have built into your shuttle.

JULIAN: Garak, you’re tying my hands. Do you have access to a medical scanner? Can you scan yourself?

GARAK: I’ve been a tailor, a gardener, a spy, who’s to say I’m not a doctor as well?

JULIAN: I suppose stranger things have happened.

GARAK: Oh, a shapeshifter saved the galaxy by going for a swim, a Starfleet captain turned out to be a god, a Cardassian legate turned out to be the devil, you were married to a woman three centuries your senior – stranger things, my dear doctor, happen all the time.

JULIAN: You may have a point. Although to be fair, Dax is three hundred years older, not Ezri. Ezri was several years younger than me.

GARAK: Semantics, Doctor.

JULIAN: Ah, here we are.

GARAK: I’m sorry?

JULIAN: I’ve created an encrypted backdoor to your central database.

GARAK: Ooh, of course you did. Yes, but it won’t help you. Our researches are working in a closed system, it is impossible to access their research through the central network.

JULIAN: Damn it, Garak, I’m trying to help you! I encrypted the access, there was no danger to you or you people! I used a fractal regression to develop access points at either end.

GARAK: And I sincerely appreciate your efforts, Julian. That’s why you’re here. And of course that is why I am convinced no one else will be able to save us.

JULIAN: I cannot do this without any information about the pathogen. And even the smartest person in the galaxy would be hard-pressed to develop a cure to an unknown virus quickly enough to prevent its spread or knowledge of its existence to the outside world.

GARAK: I have faith in you, Doctor. And to put your mind at ease, you should know that very few citizens on Cardassia are even aware that they are infected. And I’ve committed the Order to a substantial misinformation campaign to keep it that way.

JULIAN: How long do you expect that to last? The longer the infected believe that they’re free to live their normal lives or even to travel to and from health centers for treatment for whatever malady they believe they have, the faster the real virus will spread.

GARAK: Well, it seems its symptoms vary in their intensity. The cough can be persistent or periodic. And when that initial symptom passes, the neurological symptoms cause sufferers to present a variety of ailments. It is only those doctors who discovered the virus and were subsequently visited by some associates that are aware of the larger problem. And they are the very physicians currently researching the virus on my behalf.

JULIAN: If you are able to contact them then there’s no reason that I can’t access their data!

GARAK: Doctor, we’ve been through this.

JULIAN: Garak, we’ve been through a lot of things!

GARAK (LAUGHING): Yes.

JULIAN: You didn’t call me here to explain Cardassia’s post-war isolationist bureaucracy!

GARAK: [laughs]

JULIAN: I came because a friend in need asked me!

GARAK: You didn’t know why I called you, Doctor. So please, don’t offer me your selfless pretense.

JULIAN: Pretense?! You think after all this time your lives and deceptions would keep me from helping you? I can tell when you’re lying Garak, and you know when I’m telling the truth. I promise you that no one will ever know about your role in the cover-up of the virus, at least not from me.

GARAK: I… I want you to set course for the southern polar region of Cardassia Prime. The magnetic interference will make it more difficult for prying eyes to access your subspace signal. You’ll find that my alleged paranoia has a purpose. 

JULIAN: Computer, set course 118 mark 72.

COMPUTER: [chimes] Acknowledged.

JULIAN: Engage at one-quarter impulse.

COMPUTER: Course laid in. [chimes]

JULIAN: My signal was encrypted from the very beginning. I assume the same is true of the signal you used to isolate and redirect my subspace carrier wave. Isn’t it a little bit late to begin worrying now, Garak?

GARAK: Our signal may be secure between one another, but any system can be breached given enough time and expertise. And what I have to tell you…

JULIAN: Just tell me, Garak. I’m over the polar region as you asked.

GARAK: Yes, so you are, so you are. Now, good, wait- wait… Good. Now that we’re comfortably alone, let me ask you this: do viruses normally pop up undetected in a population with little to no prior warning? And how many unknown pathogens exist in a planetary ecosystem with our level of technological development?

JULIAN: Well, to be quite honest, pathogens can unexpectedly adapt or cross species barriers. Centuries ago on Earth, industrial pollution led to a climate change which in turn caused previously isolated microorganisms to be released into the biosphere.

GARAK: Yes, you truly have an answer for everything.

JULIAN: It comes in handy. But I suspect you’re going somewhere with this so please, continue.

GARAK: Our research has found some… peculiarities in the viral RNA, and admittedly I don’t understand all of the specifics, but, to put it bluntly, the virus has been engineered. I’m sending you two images of the viral RNA we’ve discovered. The images are all that I can risk sending you now. If you can find the source, you may find a cure. Alternatively, if a cure was not developed… you can avenge my death.

JULIAN: Not currently one of my skill sets, Garak. But why the pretense? You could’ve told me this immediately- actually, don’t answer that. I’ll need some time to do an analysis of this to determine what might work to counteract the viral infection. Annoyingly, there is no systemic treatment that I can even begin to research without knowing the underlying cause. But over the last twenty-five years, you must’ve made all sorts of new enemies. According to the latest intelligence, the only dangerous political intrigue is coming out of the Romulan Empire these days.

GARAK: Yes, well, leading a government comes with its own risks, to be sure, Doctor. But why do they have to be new enemies? Of course the Romulans have never been great fans of mine – I mean I left their embassy’s grounds-keeping staff so many years ago. Oh, those poor orchids, they’ll never be the same. And there’s always Kai.

JULIAN: The Kai.

GARAK: Ah, Kira- Kira, dear Kira’s never been a fan of mine.

JULIAN: We both know that Nerys would have never worked this slowly if she wanted to kill you.

GARAK: [laughs]

JULIAN: And she would only kill you. But Nerys is hardly the same person since she left the militia to join the Vedek Assembly, and now that she’s the Kai, this level of genetic manipulation would have to accomplished by someone with intimate knowledge of the Cardassian physiology as well as the capacity to evade security of your medical system.

GARAK: Yes, although like I said, it is an internal Cardassian matter. I’m sure there are plenty of elder Cardassians who would enjoy watching my life come to an end from torture. Dukat’s father- I mean, uh… [laughs] to one kanar-induced tryst with the man himself, to finally becoming involved with Ziyal, and whatever else-

JULIAN: Wait- wait, wait, wait you- hang on, you- you and Dukat?

GARAK: Ooh, yes. Surprising, isn’t it? Yes, two nights, maybe, before my exile, I’d been feeling quite powerful. I wouldn’t have normally lowered my guard even among my fellow Cardassians. Dukat was enjoying his second bottle of kanar, was looking for someone to blame for his most recent failures to overcome the Bajoran resistance, and there I was. He promised my death from across Quark’s bar. Later that evening he found his way back to my table to apologize – uncharacteristic, absolutely, to be sure. But kanar can do that to a man. We stole away to a quiet corner on the second level to talk, and then we found our way to an unoccupied holosuite.

JULIAN: I don’t know what to say.

GARAK: Well, I don’t need to tell you, Doctor – it was an unplanned direction for my evening to take. And suffice to say it didn’t soften Dukat’s general opinion of me. [laughs] He did keep his distance for a long time afterward.

JULIAN: So, that story had a happy ending, if you’ll pardon the pun.

GARAK: Pun?

JULIAN: Uh, it- it’d be funny on Earth. Though tragic, too – sort of like a sad clown, really. Miles will love it.

GARAK: Doctor, could we perhaps find out what is slowly eating away at me before revealing my darkest secrets to Professor O’Brien over an ale.

JULIAN: Of course, of course. I think the first step is to cross-reference known immunogenic agents that could have been introduced into your system. Even if the virus is a new pathogen, its mode of infection could be a million different things. You should review your schedule and try and determine an environment over which your control was limited, a place where the food and drink could’ve been tampered with or perhaps a place where you could have been unexpectedly exposed to an air assault. But… about this dalliance with Dukat-

GARAK: Oh Doctor, please. Provincial human attitudes aside-

JULIAN: Of course.

GARAK: -your species didn’t always have synthehol, and every species seems to go through a period of poor choices. Believe it or not, Cardassians are a passionate people, a people who yearn to find joy wherever it may lie. And remember, that we were in the midst of a Bajoran occupation and there wasn’t much joy to be had for those of us assigned to Terok Nor. Decades later, my reforms are helping to shape a modern Cardassia.

JULIAN: Understood. Though I take exception to the word ‘provincial’.

GARAK: Oh, of course you do. Now, let me take a look at my agenda… According to my doctors, I could have been exposed more than a month ago.

JULIAN: A month? Well, you certainly waited long enough to contact me.

GARAK: Well, well we do have doctors on Cardassia, and I wouldn’t be much of a leader if I didn’t look to my own people before seeking outside assistance. However, I’m not naïve enough to trust them completely. And what kind of leader would I be if I did?

JULIAN: Fair enough. I need to get some biometric information, please, from you if I’m even to begin researching cures. Can you transport yourself to a hospital with proper scanning equipment that I can access?

GARAK: Oh dear, I- I- I can do better than that, Doctor. I can do better than that. My residence is equipped with some of the best holographic technology in the quadrant – what type of equipment do we need?

JULIAN: I didn’t realize Cardassia had made such strides in holography.

GARAK: Oh, the technology is Federation, actually. Cardassian engineers build wonderful ships, but their work with artificial intelligence isn’t what it should be. Political life has its perks – I even have an EMH.

JULIAN: Well can I talk to him?

GARAK: Doctor, he’s obviously offline during this crisis. We’re wasting time better spent on the issue at hand! Now shall we begin?

JULIAN: Alright. Well the first thing we’ll need is a standard biobed with-

GARAK: Doctor, doctor, wait- I’m detecting a coherent signal directed at your shuttle. Yes, the magnetic currents over the poles should’ve obscured your presence. We may have a problem.

JULIAN: Hang on, it looks like an encrypted subspace signal… but I can’t determine the origin. Stand by, I’m trying- it’s… it’s from Earth. Well, I think I’ve got it. One moment… Jake?

[fade to black]

[CREDITS]

[agustdef]

XX

Pairing: Johnny Suh x Reader x Min Yoongi

Genre: Angst; Fluff; Friends to Lovers; Coworkers to Lovers

Word Count: 16.1K

Warning: Language; Past Infidelity (not by anyone in the pairing); Mild mention of not great mental health; Implied Smut at the end. 

Rating: PG15

My Weird and Mildly Chaotic Banner Maker: @dee-ehn​

My Lovely Dweeb Beta Reader: @guktro​

A/N: This fic was crafted for the DramaVers collab hosted by the ever so lovely (never tell her I called her that) @namluve​. My fic is based off the K-Drama/Web Drama, XX, which you can watch here if you feel so inclined. Would recommend. (Psst... it’s only 5 episodes all under an hour long.)

Summary: When you work your whole life to reach your dreams of owning a bar you hope that having that dream ripped from under you without notice isn’t a part of life’s plan. And you definitely don’t imagine that it comes with suddenly being business partners with your ex-best friend. But life doesn’t work in the way we want it. At the end of the day you try to focus on the things that make life better, until the two men in your life who hold your heart (something you didn’t think possible) meet and hit if off so well that you’re sure your life is moments from collapsing completely.

The entire time Hyuk spoke YN sat there feeling like she couldn’t process his words. She heard all of it and took it in, but she was stuck on what he’d said when she’d walked into their bar to do inventory on the one day they were closed. Hyuk wasn’t supposed to be there, so it shocked her to see him pacing about but then he blurted something out and she’d never had the chance to exit her shocked state.

“YN, did you hear me?” he asked.

She wasn’t completely pulled from the surreal feeling she experienced, but enough of her became present enough to look at him and nod. Of course, she wanted to retreat into thoughts that said it was all a dream when she saw the pity in his eyes.

“I really am sorry, YN. I had to sell it and I know I said I’d give you a heads up if I ever wanted or needed to give my share up, but it couldn’t be helped. It was the only way to get my father to give into appointing me a position on his board before he found someone else. But I found someone who's done well with other bars and she’s just trying to expand her portfolio, so I’m sure she’ll sell you her half when all is said and done,” Hyuk reassured.

None of his words helped her feel good about it though, if anything she felt worse after hearing him. It became more real as he explained things to her for the third time that night. Her dream of the bar being hers had been so close, she’d almost had all the money to buy him out and it all came crashing down.

To think her phone calendar had a day three months in the future as the day she’d succeed. For a moment all she could think about was deleting it, so instead of responding she pulled out her phone and did just that.

“What are you-” he started, until he noticed what she did.

“YN, I-”

Her standing abruptly was what cut him off the next time; plus startled him to the point where he almost slid from his bar stool. His klutzy actions usually brought her some joy no matter how brief, but nothing in her could muster up any positive emotions.

After she took a deep breath she stared at him with a neutral expression and spoke. “You can put everything I need to know in the office for me to check in the morning. Anything else can be sent to me via email. That includes the new co-owners contact information so that I can set up a meeting with them so we can discuss things. If I need something you didn’t give I will contact you. I hope everything works out just the way you want it, Hyuk. I’m leaving now, lock up behind yourself and mail me the keys.”

With that she turned on her heel and walked out of the door, she needed to put some distance between her and him. As well as her and the bar. Not even Hyuk calling out for her stopped her from leaving, nothing he had to say was something she needed to hear. At least not while her world crumbled before her eyes.

From there she went home. The process was a blur as she relied on muscle memory to get her on public transportation and then walk the rest of the way. By the time she came to she was inside and knocking on the door to her roommate’s bedroom.

“YN, I thought you wouldn’t be back until three,” Johnny said as he opened the door, voice laced with sleep.

However, his inquiry seemed to no longer matter as he took YN in. She’d stopped holding it all in and her body slouched, shaking slightly as the tears poured down her face. Every second or so she opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out until the sob finally released itself.

Johnny had her in his arms instantly. Not a word was uttered as he used one hand to press her face close to his chest and the other to rub slow circles into her back. And even when she calmed enough to speak, he merely shushed her and pulled her into his room. She wasn’t allowed to say a word until she was dressed in one of his too big t-shirts and they were cuddled in his bed.

She appreciated it too, because even though she’d been ready to talk her mind needed time to collect itself before she blurted out nonsense.

“Hyuk sold his share of the bar to someone else. Needed to let it go for his dad to give him some position at his company or some shit,” she whispered.

She felt Johnny’s body stiffen as she finished and then felt him take several deep breaths as she felt his heart speed up. He wasn’t a person quick to anger, but in certain situations he just couldn’t stop how quickly it came to head. Especially when he was proven right in a way he wished he wasn’t.

Minutes ticked by as he did his deep breathing and YN expected him to blow up or point out how he’d warned her, but nothing came.

“No, I told you so?” she asked.

That got a laugh out of him, though it was bitter.

“You know I won’t. This isn’t like when you bust your ass trying to get down from a table while drunk. This is your dreams being tampered with by a prick who couldn’t even show his dad he was responsible by co-owning a successful bar, but still managed to get what he wanted at your expense.”

Displeasure coated his every word and though it should’ve made her sad to think of her former co-owner and his shitty behavior she couldn’t help but laugh. It was because as he spoke she remembered all the times Johnny had snubbed or called the man out on his bare minimum rich kid behavior to his face. Johnny had never liked him and it was always clear to everyone, so he never missed a chance to be petty.

Sadly, that amusement went as quick as it came.

YN sighed. “Well, it is what it is now. Can’t change what’s already done. At least he said they only want to own it temporarily to pad their portfolio or some shit.”

In an instant, Johnny pulled back and looked at her with wide eyes.

“So, there’s still a chance?”

Though the hope in his voice boosted hers, she couldn’t get herself to give in. So instead of being as enthusiastic, she nodded.

Johnny’s eyes narrowed at that. “I will allow your non-excitement to slide because you are in shock and hurt, but you’re not going to go back to thinking this is a pipe dream. You can and will get the bar all to yourself. And let’s not forget you’re close to saving enough to start your own elsewhere if it falls through. And before you say it, I know this is your dream place in your dream location, but remember you had another dream location before this.”

Naturally, her best friend didn’t even allow her to voice her negative thoughts, something she was grateful for in that moment. She’d had a rant about how she should give up and all kinds of downer nonsense ready to spill out before he’d called her on her bullshit.

Another sigh escaped her and she nodded before laying her head on his chest again.

“Are you opening today?” she asked.

“No. After the bridal party, who wanted to drink and make perfume all night, I needed a break. And because they went well over their time I got paid double so I could miss three days and still not feel the loss.”

“Then can we stay in bed all day?” she asked.

“Sure, we can order something and watch TV. But can we sleep first, you woke me up too early,” he whined.

It was noon.

YN shrugged. “Fine with me, but I need to go get a bon-”

Before she could finish that sentence a dark purple bonnet was shoved in her face and she barely grabbed it before a thought came to her.

“You did steal it!”

“No, you left it in here after you took down your braids that one day. I found it somewhere in my dirty laundry. I for one don’t need a bonnet and for two, after the time I borrowed your SPF lotion and you nearly murdered me I learned my lesson,” Johnny said.

“You almost made me go outside ashy. My skin was being uneven with its six shades of brown instead of one, I didn’t need it to be dry too.”

He rolled his eyes at that but adjusted them a little so he could press a kiss to her forehead and then got comfortable.

“Yes, yes I know. Now put it on and go to sleep,” he said.

Part of her wanted to say something more, but she simply slid the bonnet over her hair, which was twisted, and laid down.

As her eyes closed her brain drifted to the horror of her morning, but she fought it off and tried to focus on the positive. Johnny was right; she had options, which didn’t leave her at a complete loss no matter how things went and that was a good thing.

Plus, she had Johnny by her side, even if it wasn’t always in the way she wanted. That thought brought a twinge to her heart, but she cuddled closer and reminded herself that moments like that were enough.

“He just dropped it all on you at once? I knew he was a self-centered prick, but damn,” Yoongi commented.

YN had relayed what happened to her main bartender when they’d both come in to prep the bar before it opened. She planned to keep it from him until she met her new co-owner, but he saw through her the moment she walked in that afternoon. Fighting him was futile, something she learned within the first six months of him working there, so she just spilled everything as she wiped down the bar stools.

“Yup. No warning at all, just told me with everything done before I could object. Something about thinking just being straightforward would lessen the blow. Since I prefer bluntness and all that,” she mumbled.

Out of the corner of her eyes she noticed Yoongi pause as he wiped down the counter and turn to look at her fully.

“Does that dumbass still not know what the word blunt means? Because it’s sure as fuck not screw over your business partner and the only person who kept a business afloat while he cried to daddy about not getting the position he wanted because he’s a failure. Fucking weirdo,” Yoongi shouted.

Though it wasn't really funny YN couldn't help but throw her head back in laughter, pausing in her cleaning as it coursed through her. She couldn't even stop the tears that came along with it.

When she finally pulled it together Yoongi was cleaning again, but the smile he wore showed he was happy with his handy work. And YN was thankful for it. He always knew just what to say to make her laugh when she needed it, even if the joy only lasted for a few seconds. It was one of the things that drew her into him as they got to know each other. Past his introverted defense mechanisms was a sweet man who often just did his best to help wherever he could.

The only person keeping her sane most days.

“Well, yeah he is a dumbass I will finally and fully admit it. But, he was a dumbass keeping me from having to put off certain things to keep this place moving forward, so for a time he was worth something. Now he’s just a fucking headache fucking up my plans.”

Silence filled the room after that as they finished sanitizing everything and got the bar set up for patrons. They were ready an hour in advance, which wasn’t something they usually did with YN preferring it to be only thirty minutes before the last thing was finished, but she didn’t want them working as she met the new co-owner.

There was nothing in her that wanted to impress them, but she preferred all the things be in tip top shape and nothing left to worry over as she handled something so stressful. It shouldn't have felt like that, but meeting someone she didn’t know and didn’t choose in a bar they would both own wasn’t fun. Especially when she thought about other people who’d come in before wanting to be her business partner but wanted everything changed. Something that wouldn’t happen.

“You can take a break and go out if you want. I can meet them alone,” she said as she checked one of the mini fridges under the bar one last time.

She expected Yoongi to say he’d go grab coffee from his favorite place to give him that final boost to keep on his customer service voice all shift, but he shook his head no. He grabbed a bottle of water and sat down at one of the tables farther into the bar. It confused YN and she planned to say something, but then the sound of a door opening caught her attention.

They both turned their attention to the intruder and YN immediately felt like the wind was knocked out of her.

In the door of her bar stood Chae Hyungwon, her ex-best friend.

Thankfully, he appeared just as shocked as she was, though he tried his best to pull it together. His usual fake confident smirk made an appearance and his gaze shifted from her to the space around them. His head nodded every so often and soft sounds of approval slipped from his lips as he did.

YN knew it was him avoiding her gaze to prepare whatever non-caring act he planned to put on with her, but that didn’t ease her at all.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

After several seconds of blatantly ignoring her Hyungwon responded.

“Is that any way to speak to your new boss?” he asked.

Shock wasn’t the word that YN used to describe how hearing those words felt, mostly because it wasn’t what coursed through her. It was more like amusement at being some sort of joke to the universe. Amusement and immense sadness.

“Co-owner. You are my co-owner. And let’s not forget that I own most of it,” YN said.

Hyungwon’s eyes went wide. “You’re the co-owner?”

That was a small win for her.

“Ah, so Hyuk didn’t just decide to withhold information from me. At least he’s a consistent idiot,” she said.

There was a beat of silence before YN pulled herself together and decided that she would unleash her feelings later and handle her predicament in that moment.

“So, shall we sit and talk?” she asked.

Hyungwon stared at her for a moment before nodding. At that YN motioned towards a table she’d set up for them and went to sit down. She waited a moment for him to settle in before pushing a folder across the table. And though clearly confused he took it and flipped through the contents.

He scoffed. “What is this, a college orientation? Am I to read and sign all of these, then be punished if I fail to do them or disregard them?”

“Yes.”

That startled him, but YN didn’t give him time to recover.

“That contains all the information that you need to know about this business. How it is currently run, it’s vendors, it’s monthly costs, the excel sheets we use to track information so that we can make small changes here and there to stay on top of how to best run things. And as you saw on top, explains the rules that I’ve laid out for you as co-owner. They are the same for anyone who wants to take on that role and besides small adjustments have remained the same throughout my use of them. They are not fYNible. With a compelling argument I may be willing to bend something but the odds are virtually nonexistent. They must be understood and abided by and any of them that are major violations will be cause for termination of your co-ownership, without a mandatory buyout from me. Which is something that was in the contract that Hyuk gave you, so you’ve already agreed.”

“That’s not allowed. I saw it, but it didn’t go into-”

YN laughed. “You signed a contract without meeting with the other co-owner, the person who owns fifty-five percent of this bar. Thus, not allowing yourself the chance to get all the information. Which means you forfeit the right to suddenly demand a change on something you agreed to blindly. My rules are not outlandish, they are just specific and demand that you are serious or at the very least don’t get in my way.”

Laughter escaped Hyungwon, but it clearly held no humor. For a moment he looked prepared to argue or leave, but he simply reopened the folder and read over the first few sheets. Though there were a few sounds that were akin to disapproval that wasn’t what reflected on his face when he glanced up several minutes later. It was more so a look of mild amazement.

“This keeps anyone who buys in from doing anything slightly shady behind your back or straight up dumb without mutual decision. It’s ironclad, makes sense not to put it directly into the contract since you’re opposed to negotiating that part,” he said.

Part of her felt proud, though it was solely because she knew she’d done things well in that respect. But the other part of her was displeased that the pride appeared from hearing a form of praise from Hyungwon, even if it wasn’t directly from impressing him.

Naturally, he couldn’t leave it on a positive note though.

“Too bad you didn’t come up with one where it stopped him from fucking you over,” Hyungwon mumbled.

“Yeah, so sad, if only we could make those kinds of things for everyone we encounter. Though I guess something for me to hold people accountable for fucking me over wouldn’t be something you’d be personally interested in. Could be used against you,” YN said without missing a beat.

Hyungwon’s face went red after that and she could see a flurry of emotions playing out on his face but could pick up on none. Not that, that lessened her amusement at all. She’d gotten a reaction out of him and it was childish, but felt wonderful nonetheless.

“Is there anything else you need to show me?” Hyungwon finally asked after a minute.

YN nodded and stood from her seat.

“I can show you around the place and explain how things run. However, I ask that you hold all questions until you have absorbed all the information, I don’t mind if you use your phone or something to write things down as I talk. But if you think it’s important to know please stop me and ask.”

All she got was a nod before she led him around the space. She showed him the back rooms, including the office, and explained how things worked schedule wise with everything. Then she brought him back out front and pointed out things behind the bar to get him acquainted with how things worked. Then she led him through the space and showed him the balcony that gave the best access to their view of a skyline and water off in the distance. Once finished she brought him back inside and was about to wrap it up, but then he spoke.

“How many employees are there?” he asked.

“Including myself seven. With the way we currently operate, more aren’t needed, but there is still a chance we could hire a few more.”

Hyungwon nodded. “And I’m guessing he’s one.”

That was the first time YN glanced Yoongi’s way since Hyungwon appeared and she turned to see the male drinking his water and scrolling through his phone.

“Yes, Yoongi has been here almost a year now.”

At the sound of his name Yoongi looked up and while he didn’t seem particularly fond when he glanced Hyungwon’s way he did offer YN a smile, one she returned happily.

After that her attention moved back to Hyungwon who glanced between the two of them and looked prepared to say something but didn’t.

“Well, is there anything else you need or would like to see? We open pretty soon so we’re running low on time,” YN said.

Seconds ticked by as she watched Hyungwon stare at her but seem off in his own little world. It was something that was the norm for when he debated on what to say or do so it wasn’t surprising, but it made her uncomfortable.

“Hyungwon,” she called out.

He snapped out of it and cleared his throat. “No. I’m good. I’ll just sit off in one of the back corners for a while to watch how things go and then leave.”

A nod and then YN left him to do what he wanted. The two waitresses for the night arrived just then and everyone got their behinds into gear. Then minutes later their customers began filing in.

Though YN’s mind reeled from what happened she didn’t get the chance to linger on it, because work became the focus quickly. She enjoyed bartending so she did that alongside Yoongi and though the place wasn’t packed, people tended to order drinks rapidly. And since their bar had made its name for mixed and signature drinks it wasn’t just rounds of shots. They needed to mix drinks and do it right, half-assing it to get it out quickly wasn't something they did. Especially since part of the draw for some, besides the drinks, was watching them being made. They enjoyed some sort of show with it, though neither YN nor Yoongi went all out to impress, just did what they needed to with focus and a slight flourish.

So, by the time she caught her breath and wasn’t focusing on anything work related and glanced up to find Hyungwon she noticed his former spot taken up by someone else. He was nowhere she could see, so she assumed he left and felt herself sigh in relief. It didn’t clear the chaos she kept at bay in her mind, but helped it settle some.

However, she again didn’t get time to linger on it because they’d done the last call and an influx of orders came on. She and Yoongi worked to get them out and were thankful when people began to leave, some stumbling to the exit with the help of security.

From there everyone immediately began working on their sections to clean and an hour and a half later they were all on their way out the building. YN saw off her waitresses and security then prepared to say her goodbyes to Yoongi only for him to be giving her a look she saw when he’d offer to join her on the way home and she’d deny.

Which meant that fighting him on it would’ve been useless, so she just began walking towards the train station.

For several minutes they did so in silence and though YN seemed calm it was clear that she was fighting something off. Something she didn’t want to talk about or at least that’s what she told herself until Yoongi spoke up.

“You can scream if you want,” he said.

That made her pause and then laugh loudly. It brought on looks from the few people lingering about late at night, but she didn’t care at all. One would’ve thought she was laughing at the idea of screaming to release her feelings, but it was more so that screaming is what Johnny had her do when the incident happened years before. He got her drunk, took her to the top of a building and they screamed until she was a laughing mess on the ground. He’d had to carry her home after.

“I wish that was the fix for this. Hell, I wish I didn’t have such a strong reaction to him after all this time.”

Again, silence filled the space as they began walking away and neither of them spoke again until they were seated in a half-deserted train car. Yoongi took that as the perfect moment to bump her shoulder to get her attention and it worked.

“You could tell me about it. You don’t have to of course, but it could help the feelings a bit,” he offered.

At that YN sighed and her eyes closed. A lot of her screamed to let it die so she didn’t have to deal with the emotions again, but a smaller voice reminded her that the feelings would always be there and she probably only felt so intensely because she’d been forced to endure them in front of someone who didn’t know what happened. If it had been Johnny or her by herself she’d be better about it. And she had to remind herself she trusted Yoongi a whole lot, so telling him wasn’t the end of the world by any means.

Once she’d made peace with her choice her eyes opened and she turned so her back leaned against the small wall blocking her seat from the door. She knew that if she told him it had to be while looking at him.

“As you may know I have an ex that Johnny loathes with his entire being. I’m sure you remember that drunk rant that he gave the first month of you working there,” she paused to see his response and once he nodded she continued. “Well, I know he went on and on about planning to beat up all the people who’d ever hurt me, so there were a lot on that list. Anyway, he got to talking about an old friend before he ran to the bathroom to throw up. That friend was Hyungwon or my new co-owner, I don’t think I told you his name. But yeah, he was my best friend. Like that friend I made the moment I came to orientation and looked every bit of the confused foreigner I was. We clicked and he felt like the best friend I’d made in my entire life. Even helped me figure out how to work up the nerve to talk to my ex to ask him out.”

YN sighed and used her hand to push back a few loose curls that had slipped from her bun. The voice telling her to shut up got louder and she knew if she wanted to stop she could, but something about the attentive look on Yoongi’s face stopped her.

“In our senior year things were beyond stressful. He was dealing with family business stuff and his father has always been a difficult man. While I was dealing with trying to find a job so I could keep a visa and stay in the country, while also trying to graduate. We barely saw each other and I barely saw my boyfriend either despite usually sleeping at his every night. I decided to change that one night, I messaged Hyungwon to schedule a hang out and he agreed. Then I grabbed some food and snacks and headed to my boyfriend’s. I was at most an hour earlier than when I said I’d be coming, something not out of the norm for me and it wasn’t like he didn’t know.

“It was so quiet that I assumed he was asleep. I made sure to keep quiet as I settled in and then creeped towards the bedroom. However, I didn’t make it there, because while a few feet away the door swung open and I was met with him in his boxers and a disheveled Hyungwon. They didn’t notice me right away or at least I like to think so since they started making out and didn’t stop until I cleared my throat. The expressions of shock at that point are barely a memory because I’d started to tear up and just turn and left. They both attempted to reach out, but obviously I shut them down.”

After she finished Yoongi’s expression shifted to shock and then anger.

“And yet he acted like he was superior and has nothing to be sorry for when he came in today. What kind of bullshit is that? He should at least appear apologetic,” he said.

YN went to answer, but they were at her stop so she waited until they were off the train and up the steps.

“Hyungwon’s default expression is resting bitch face, especially when trying to hide some sort of emotion behind it. And he will lay it on thick. But he also is likely to force that and a haughty demeanor because he just does. It’s a defense mechanism, especially when he feels wronged in some way. He turned it on me a week after it was clear I wasn’t forgiving him. He’d prefer to be the one who is uncaring, then to endure too much emotion. No matter if he’s the cause of it.”

“What kind of fucked up shit is that? He messed up, not you. You had every right to refuse to deal with him or forgive him,” Yoongi said.

YN shrugged. “To a degree it’s a defense mechanism that I understand even if I don’t agree, but sometimes it does make him more of a douche than he’s going for. But it is what it is.”

They walked the short distance to her apartment in silence and YN couldn’t help but realize how much better she felt. It didn’t fix everything, but it helped more than she thought it would. Johnny usually was the one to get her calm enough to process the rest and she knew that once she told him the news he’d help her overcome the lingering emotions more, but with the chance to vent to the two people she trusted the most it was different.

Once they reached her apartment she turned and pulled Yoongi into a hug. He went stiff for a second before he hugged her back.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“No problem,” he said in return.

She held him for a few seconds longer after that and then let go, gently nudged him towards the cab that pulled up at the most convenient time out of nowhere. Or at least she tried to pretend she didn’t order it when he wasn’t paying attention, but just like every other time she did it he saw through her.

They waved at each other and she went inside once the cab pulled off. On the elevator up she couldn’t stop the smile on her lips. Her brain had halted its existential crisis and focused on the memory of Yoongi’s own smile as the car departed. It was beyond cute and she’d told him that when she’d first saw him do it, but what she felt in the elevator was different. There was an all-consuming happiness and a weird feeling in her stomach as she thought of it then.

The smile didn’t leave until she was sitting at the table with Johnny eating fried chicken too late at night and telling him what happened. He ranted and raved, even made a few threats, which brought the feeling back again, but that time directed at her roommate.

Weeks passed, and though YN hated the arrangement for multiple reasons she got used to it. Hyungwon didn’t try to implement any major changes and most of what he did was stuff she’d planned to do months later when they had more than enough funds for it.

Though there was one thing she’d agreed to that came with some regret. Or at least regret is what filled her as she had to endure a couple who didn’t understand distance and chose to sit at the bar.

The moment they strolled in, clinging to each other, they’d made a beeline for her side of the bar and told her how they’d seen the bar mentioned on the account of some popular new actor and then promptly shoved a phone in her face to show her. All it took was a single glance to know that she’d never seen that man in the bar before and the picture had been taken around a time they weren’t open. He was sitting on the bar’s balcony with a drink in hand and you could see people enjoying themselves behind him, but they appeared to focus on appearing in the right angle of the picture for it not to be fully staged. Which meant it was Hyungwon’s doing.

YN agreed to allow him to expand social media reach because though she did it, sometimes it wasn’t the best that it could be. However, their definitions of expansion differed and about four celebrities that had never been there had posted about having such a good time at that bar. Something that brought in business, but also forced YN and her staff to lie when asked by customers. And customers asked a whole lot when they came in, needing every detail down to what the celeb smelled like.

It was annoying but arguing about it with Hyungwon ended up with her just conceding in annoyance every time. Despite the nuisance of it, she truly didn’t have it in her to keep the back and forth with him on the subject. Doing it just didn’t prove to be worth it.

So, she and everyone endured the nonsense. Though as she watched the couple get increasingly touchier she almost stormed off into the back office to put a stop to it once and for all. In fact, she’d turned to tell Yoongi that she was going to step away but was distracted in a second.

“YN!” Johnny shouted as he approached the bar.

From the moment she laid her eyes on her best friend she noticed the offness. The giant stumbled a little while he walked and there was a slur to his words. His clothing was also a little less put together than usual and though not noticeable to most people it’s something she picked up on after years of enduring his quirks.

“Johnny, I thought you had a date,” she said.

That immediately made him frown at her. Of course, she guessed how well that had gone, but she knew that he preferred to explain to her about how bad it was, so she got the true dramatic effect. So instead of saying anything she allowed him to take up a seat at the bar and got him the coldest bottle of his favorite beer that she had. He took it happily and downed half of it before he began his story.

“She wanted me to be a third in her relationship. Brought the boyfriend and everything. Which we all know I’m fine with and my dating profile says that, but you warn a person beforehand. She said she was single and then boom, boyfriend suddenly.”

He paused and downed the rest of the bottle, which was quickly replaced with another by Yoongi who happened to be moving by. Johnny gave him a grateful nod and picked it up, but just held it.

“And that would also not be the worst thing in the world, but then the entire time the guy kept sizing me up and then asking the most sexually invasive questions. At one point he asked me how big my dick was and seemed ready to whip his out so that we could compare them. I had to drink to get through the entire thing and sped out of there the moment the bill for dinner was paid. Blocked her dating account, her social media, and number on the way here. Then had to block his number, because apparently blocking her wasn’t enough of a hint for them,” he said.

YN winced hearing that part, because she couldn’t imagine enduring something so awkward and then creepy as that. Nor could she imagine not understanding when someone wasn’t interested after such intensive blocking.

Pathetic was the word that came to mind.

“Well, I’m glad you escaped them. You get to drink that one and one more, then you switch to water. Also go back and heat up my lunch or have someone grab it for you, you need something else in you and I didn’t get around to eating it myself,” YN said.

That changed Johnny’s demeanor in an instant and he glared at her, but before he could scold her about not eating properly Hyungwon appeared.

“YN, if you’re not busy up here can you come back into the office to help me with something? It’ll only be a few minutes, I want to know I’m doing this right,” he said.

Johnny’s glare shifted from her to Hyungwon, but neither of them paid him any mind.

“Sure, I’ll be back there in a sec,” she said.

Hyungwon nodded and disappeared again. And though it was clear that Johnny had something to say YN ignored him, turning to tell Yoongi only to get shooed away before she could open her mouth. She shot him a quick thumbs up and then hustled back to the office.

“What’s up?” she asked as she closed the door behind her.

The moment Hyungwon had her close enough he pointed to the screen of their computer and started to explain how he’d tried to do something in the excel sheet for the month’s vendor expenses but something went wrong. He walked her through the whole process before she stepped in to show him what he’d done wrong for it to not to work. And then they went over some of the other sheets to ensure they were right, as well as some of the vendor request forms that needed to get done by that time the following week.

It was an easy conversation and though weeks before YN thought she’d still be awkward and apprehensive; she’d managed to find a good groove in dealing with Hyungwon as a business partner and ignoring the pain from the past. He was someone who put himself fully into his work, so it wasn’t hard to mesh with him on the subject. In fact, he got more work down in the weeks he’d been on board than Hyuk in the years he was YN’s partner. She never minded doing all of the work before, but she also would never deny that having some of the weight off her was refreshing. Even in situations where she had to double check and teach Hyungwon the ropes a few times.

When they were done she stood from her seat and stretched, her eyes meeting the clock to see she’d been back there for almost an hour.

“Is there anything else you need?” she asked.

Though Hyungwon shook his head at first, he stilled for a moment and then whipped around to look at her. The expression on his face startled her with its seriousness, his eyebrows furrowed and the frown on his lips was intense. There was also a glint in his eyes that she recalled from when he found out some not happy news and a part of her worried greatly about what he’d say.

“Actually. I would like to apologize,” he said.

That confused YN for a second because she’d still be in work mode, until she saw the way his body sagged and then it clicked in her head. Her hands went up in defense as she shook her head rapidly.

“You don-”

“Please let me talk?”

And though her whole body screamed to not let him continue she couldn’t find it in her to not let him get whatever it was off his chest. So, she took a deep breath and nodded so that he’d continue, she didn’t trust herself to say the right thing.

“I know I apologized then and I meant it, even if I did the thing where I pretended like it wasn’t my fault and that you should’ve forgiven me. I fucked up on so many levels and I didn’t mean to. I need you to know that it was never my intention, I just… I don’t know how to explain it. That night is a weird blur of sadness, drinking, and feeling someone wanted to be in my presence and cared about my feelings. I gave in for stupid and selfish reasons. He told me you’d broken up over a week before, but even then it wasn’t an okay thing to do. I know that. I knew when I agreed. I knew when it happened. And I knew the entire time after.

“I have no valid excuse for my betraying you like that. I just want you to know that I’m sorry. And I’m even more sorry that I’m messing with your dream. It wasn’t my intention at all. I swear to you I didn’t know you were the co-owner when the contract was signed. And I’d planned to back out after I found out, but it was too early in the contract for me to be able to sell it to you and I would’ve had to sell it back to him. And I’ve worked with Hyuk before, he will continue to fuck things up. And I guess I’m using a lot of words to say I’m sorry and I’m rambling, so again I’m truly sorry.”

By the end of his tangent YN was left confused and unsure. She could see the sincerity, something he’d never been able to fake, and she knew he felt sorry for his actions when it happened, but she didn’t know how to respond. There was nothing in her head that felt like an accurate response to what he’d said. Especially the apologies, because she’d forgiven him a year after the incident. Not in a whole ceremonious way of letting it go to move on, but she realized she moved one already. The hurt wasn’t gone and she knew if she saw him her reaction would not be positive, but she knew that if she did see him and he spoke to her she’d probably be willing to talk it through with him. Hell, she’d thought about it for half a second when he first stepped foot into the bar, but he’d chosen the snooty demeanor and she’d thrown it away in an instant.

All of that uncertainty must have been clear to Hyungwon, thankfully, because he cleared his throat to regain her attention and then smiled at her. A real smile. The first smile she’d seen on his face since the first time she’d seen him again.

“You don’t have to say anything right now. You don’t have to say anything ever really. We can act like I didn’t say anything at all and keep going how we’re going. I just wanted you to know that,” he said.

YN’s mind scrambled to find a response after that because it didn’t want to have said nothing, but she ended up nodding and walking out without saying a word. She’d made sure to keep her expression light and offered a small smile before she turned away so he didn’t think she was running from him or hated him.

With her mind going a mile a minute she stepped into the staff bathroom to use it and run a cold, wet paper towel across the back of her neck to help calm her down. When she got worked up she got hot and needed to be brought down before it spiraled. It only took five minutes before she felt ready to head back out to the bar, though she wasn’t completely herself as she went.

A large part of her wanted to go back and yell at Hyungwon and then have a heart to heart, but she willed herself to keep moving forward.

However, when she reached the end of the hall she wished she’d done that. People seated at the bar had left and moved elsewhere, which made it easy for her to spot Johnny nursing a glass of water. He looked ready to drink it, but something else had his attention. Someone else.

Yoongi was standing directly in front of him, body bent over so that his arms rested on the bar between them. He wore a wide smile and reached over to poke Johnny’s cheek as they laughed together.

They were so close to each other and so comfortable, that it was almost romantic. Then with bated breath YN watched as Johnny ran his hand through his hair and winked at Yoongi, something he only ever did when he was flirting. A quirk that she’d pointed out to him once that he’d never noticed he did. But that wasn’t what made her stomach churn, it was the light blush that coated Yoongi’s cheeks as he punched Johnny’s arm.

Both men were flirting with each other and by their expressions it was far from the playful kind they’d done once when some girl kept hitting on Yoongi and wouldn’t understand no until Johnny stepped in as his “boyfriend.” Oh no, their flirting was real and natural.

And YN didn’t know which one it hurt more seeing do it.

At least once a month there was an event held at the bar and so YN wouldn’t open it to the general public. And by some miracle one fell on a Sunday and was during midafternoon, which meant she didn’t have work the next day and they wouldn’t be open late into the night. Both things were something she needed after over a week of feeling at her lowest.

The down feeling wasn’t new by any means, but it didn’t make it easier. Nor did her avoidance of Johnny, who usually knew the right things to say to get her out of a funk.

It was a consequence of her avoiding her roommate.

After she’d seen his interactions with Yoongi at the club she’d gotten over things pretty quickly, but they didn’t stop there. Though both males had talked before their communication ramped up. They were texting often and sometimes even video chatting. Along with that came an increase of them hanging out. On one free day YN had swung by to bring Johnny food at his shop, but when she appeared Yoongi was already there and they were eating. Of course, they invited her to join and she did, but it hadn’t been fun for her. Which was how she described all her hang outs with them. It was the constant third wheel kind of feeling and seeing as she had no time to adjust to her realization of feelings for both of them, she definitely didn’t have time to adjust to them possibly getting together.

All of it was too much at once and only aided along the low she felt. Which meant she turned to avoiding them when she could. Some things were changing for the club and that meant she had a built-in excuse to be busy. That coupled with her clearly being down meant that they left her be when she said she wanted to venture out alone or with other friends. And they definitely didn’t stop her if she just said she wanted to lay in bed all day and be left alone. She’d ensured that she did it a normal amount so not to alarm them and it worked for her.

Well, only worked in the matters of not being forced to third wheel. Though the times they hung out in the apartment while she locked herself in her room didn’t do much for her whole, dealing with feelings plan.

Not that she dealt with them well when not around them.

However, the day of the event she saw the light at the end of the tunnel for her funk. YN woke up feeling on top of the world and everything ran so smoothly from then on. They’d set up, received the guests, and kept the event running without incident. Minus the very drunk man who got weirdly passionate about telling the story about how the wine he was drinking was made and then proceeded to spill it.

Hell, even seeing how Hyungwon and his boyfriend mingled without issue brought her some sort of joy. And that joy was how her brain drowned out the voice that told her that Hyungwon’s boyfriend seemed familiar and not in the good way. Something that would have persisted if not for Johnny having approached her.

“Isn’t that the guy who showed up to that weeklong dating event with a different person each time?” he asked YN.

That was all it took for her brain to kick into gear and her head whipped over to look where Hyungwon stood with him. It took a single second to see his face and then recall all the times he’d come in with people and sometimes left with someone else. Or at the very least flirted with others, slipping people, including YN, his number while his date was preoccupied. He’d made her uncomfortable.

Those things weren’t cool and alone were enough to alarm YN, but that wasn’t the issue she found herself focused on when she stared him down. No, the problem was that when Hyungwon had appeared at the bar and introduced his boyfriend he’d spoken of how they’d been together for almost two years. That series of events had happened only two months before he became her co-owner. Meaning the man was a worse cheater than she’d thought he was.

“Oh, fuck me,” she groaned.

“Yeah,” Johnny said.

Though YN avoided eye contact with him most days the tone of his voice made her finally meet his gaze and it wasn’t comforting. In fact, he appeared a bit uncomfortable and unsure of how to react to the situation. She thought it was because of what happened, but then she glanced down to his hand and saw a business card in it. It showed Hyungwon’s boyfriend’s name and work info, but with a quick flip YN saw another number scribbled on back along with something about calling for a good time.

The man held no shame. Hitting on people with his longtime boyfriend present and the photographer of the event no less. Someone they’d hired to work it and would report back to them for how everything went. Truly the worst possible person because despite the possibility of lack of moral compass, the odds weren’t that great that he wouldn’t tell the person who hired him what transpired with their boyfriend.

A headache from it all was an understatement for what YN felt about it. But she knew what she had to do despite it all.

“Just…” she trailed off, taking the card from him and slipping it in her pocket. “Just don’t talk to him about it. I’ll bring it up when we wrap up for the night. It’s better I do it.”

“Are you sure?”

She wasn’t but nodded anyway.

Johnny didn’t believe her, but when she shooed him away to continue taking the photos he went without much hesitation.

From there she just worked to get through the last two hours of the event. She kept the bar going and even took a turn as a waitress when things got a little hectic since she hadn’t thought she’d need many staff on hand for something not that big.

Naturally, she hoped that it all was enough to keep her mind preoccupied, but that wasn’t the case. Any time she wasn’t focused, even for a second, her brain thought about it. And it was worse whenever she glanced up to see the both of them together as if one of them wasn’t a horrible human being. So much of her hated the idea of Hyungwon being hurt like that, even with their own past. No one deserved that. Plus, they’d made a lot of progress since he’d made that apology and YN had started to feel good around him. Like she actively wanted to be there. They’d even eaten lunch together a few times.

By the time everyone had cleared out and the staff was almost ready to go she snapped out of her own thoughts of dread to pull Hyungwon to the side. She said something about something she needed him to look over before he left for the night and he followed her to the office without hesitation. Which was good for her nerves, but not enough to quail the new set of anxiety that hit when his boyfriend said he’d wait and sat down at one of the tables. She would’ve preferred if he’d not been there to be confronted in her presence, but she didn’t have the luxury, so she pushed through.

When they entered the office she took a deep breath and turned to face Hyungwon, who appeared a bit startled and she assumed her expression aptly portrayed the discomfort and nerves she felt.

“I could prolong this because that’s totally what I want to do, because this makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I feel like you need to know. Your boyfriend has been here before. And not like just a random patron, but a person coming here on dates with people. Even attended a few events with a date in the last three months or so. And for the most part they’re always different people. And to make matters worse he’s always flirting with someone else when his date is away or even right in front of them. He’s hit on multiple staff members before, including me. Also, he slipped Johnny his card, with his personal number and a… flirtatious message on it.”

YN spoke so quickly she wasn’t sure he understood her, so the frown that appeared on his lips was what she used to indicate she could continue going. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the card, but before she could hold it up for him to see or hand it to him his hand was on her wrist.

Startled, she looked up to see the frown had left his face and he’d gone for a much more neutral expression, though his eyes held fire behind them. It almost made her flinch.

Hyungwon scoffed. “I didn’t think you’d stoop to this. He’d never even heard of this bar before I told him I was going to become a co-owner nor would he have the time to do that. Also, what could possibly be the problem with coming here with other people if he did. He can bring friends to events or out for a night of partying. My goodness YN why would you even try to spew such false info-”

Before he could finish, YN put a hand over his mouth. That confused him but didn’t stop the way he looked at her. And that only made her angrier.

She’d listened to his little rant about how she was wrong and hoped that he would change course. Hoped that the way his tone wavered every now and then was indication of him not believing his own words, but he kept going. If she hadn’t stopped him YN was sure he’d descended into words much less passive in calling her liar and into much more hurtful talk. And with the way she felt she couldn’t endure that. She refused to be hurt by him when all she wanted to do was help.

“I would never make up something like that. And I am not as stupid as to think people hanging out in a bar or doing the bare minimum of hugging is cause to deem them together. Nor would I sit here and make up being uncomfortably flirted with and Johnny getting his number and a not so ‘I want to be friends’ note from him. Something I was just going to show you. But that doesn’t matter to you apparently. Because someone who's been harmed by something as bad as cheating would totally make that up for shits and giggles or for some sort of revenge. Because I of all people who has let much worse slide would do that, right? Don’t believe me, that’s fucking fine. Live your life thinking I’d lie about that or misunderstand. But if you want to pull your head out of your ass you can look at this card, you can look at the files on the computer to see pictures from events, you can check the bar’s website and social media for the pictures too. Hell, go ask Johnny for them. He has more than he gave up and with the way he was making out with most of them I’m sure he has something to show that.”

After that YN didn’t wait for a reply, she simply turned on her heel, grabbed her bag, and stormed out of the room. She went out front so she could tell her manager to finish locking up and tell Johnny she wanted to leave, but when she got out there she saw something that made her feel even worse.

Johnny and Yoongi were standing across from each other at the bar laughing and being all touchy. It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but then they leaned in close enough that they looked ready to kiss until Yoongi happened to notice YN and turned to look at her. His smile dropped and he stepped away, moving to get from behind the bar but she didn’t stay put.

YN all but sprinted out of the building with three voices calling out to her. And she didn’t stop until she was in a taxi, sobbing and asking to be taken to some bar that was far away from her own business and home so they wouldn’t stumble upon her.

From then on time moved in a way that she couldn’t comprehend. She reached the bar and immediately muted her ringer to avoid calls or texts. And once inside she greeted the bartender she was familiar with and asked for a drink. Something she did until she was so drunk that she just barely was cognizant of what was happening around her. Of course, she wanted more, but she needed to be responsible despite all the things that had crumbled right in front of her.

“I called you a taxi, it’s out front. Go home YN,” JB, the bartender, said.

Though part of her wanted to say no she simply nodded, paid, and headed out to the taxi that waited for her. She managed to walk normally until she reached the taxi where she stumbled a bit and had to be helped inside. Once she and her driver were in their seats she slurred her words and told him her address. He grunted and they were off.

The whole drive her brain kept trying to figure out how’d she’d deal with Johnny when she got home or Yoongi when she had to work. Her brain was so hazy that she couldn’t form full ideas for Johnny, but decided she’d just have someone else take her shifts with Yoongi. That answer made her so proud that she smiled and patted herself on the back.

However, the back patting stopped when the driver stopped and she got out, only to realize he’d dropped her a few blocks from her apartment. He’d driven off by then and she felt slightly more sober, so she started her trek home. There was some tripping over her own feet and stopping when her vision blurred but she did okay.

Ten minutes in though she felt her stomach drop as she heard a voice.

“YN? Got damnit, YN where have you been?” Yoongi called out.

Though she heard him clear as day she continued walking without even a glance backwards. She even put a pep in her step, though that was less about avoiding him and more about being miffed about the use of her full first name.

“YN, could you stop,” he said.

She continued ignoring him. Even when she stopped to put in the code to her building, when she stopped to wait for the elevator, and when both of them stood in the small space together. Yoongi was displeased, but he didn’t force anything simply followed behind her.

He tried to speak again once they entered the apartment, but he wasn’t the only one.

“Can you just answer m....”

“Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been calli...” Johnny started

Regardless of their concerns she continued to ignore them both, even tuning out what they had to say as she kicked off her shoes and deposited her bag on one of the hooks near the door. The plan was to walk past them and into her room where she would pass out, but as she made her first step she tripped over a box that she hadn’t seen.

Thankfully, they caught her and got her standing and steady. She muttered a quick thank you and then looked at what had been her undoing, only to see a box she’d asked Johnny to move multiple times.

That surely brought up some anger as her head whipped up so she could glare at him.

“Why can’t you just listen to what I say? Or better yet understand that there is an issue? That all signs point to a fucking problem if you do something like that? Why? I’ve almost hurt myself like ten times already and you have yet to move it!”

Johnny’s own anger subsided a little and he appeared sheepish for a second, mumbling an apology and moving the box out of the way. He turned to her after, but she didn’t want to hear whatever he had to say or talk about, so she attempted to storm off to her room as planned. Attempting was key in that, because the moment the foot that hit the box touched down on its own she cried out in pain.

“Fuck,” Johnny said as he caught her and held her up.

“Stupid fucking box!” she screamed.

“Oh, fuck. What can we do? How can we help?” a panicked Yoongi asked.

YN cursed a few more times as the throbbing settled in.

“Just take me to my room. I just want to sleep and not deal with this shit.”

Both men nodded and helped her to her room, carefully placing her down on the bed. From there she slipped off her jeans - she had leggings on underneath - and shrugged off her heavy sweater so she only had her sports bra on. After she got comfortable in the bed, using a pillow to put under her throbbing ankle and threw a bonnet over her hair, thankful to be wearing it braided.

As she got comfortable and prepared to sleep she realized that neither of them had left and when she prepared to tell them to both men crawled into the bed with her, getting on either side.

“What are you do-”

She wasn’t allowed to finish though because Johnny cut her off.

“Can we just stay? We know we stressed you out in the last few minutes and we feel like shit. It would make us feel better and if you say no, we’ll just sit on the floor or outside your door.”

Yoongi nodded. “We’d just feel better closer.”

Though she opened her mouth to argue she found that with the pain in her ankle and the alcohol wearing off she was too tired for it. So, she said nothing and closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around herself and laying completely still until she fell asleep.

Or mostly fell asleep. With the two of them in her bed so close and radiating so much body heat she found it hard to slip completely. Not that either of them could tell that she wasn't asleep.

"It has to be more than the Hyungwon situation. I think I know what it is and that means we need to tell her soon,” Yoongi whispered.

"Wait. What? We have everything set for a week. Can it not wait?"

"Have you seen how she's been acting lately? She's pulling away from both of us and a week gives her more time to put more distance. We won't have a chance to come clean by then or even get a proper conversation in about it. She'll just think it's pity or not feel enough to care."

"Okay, tomorrow then?"

"Yeah, it's an off day and she's ahead of all her work, so even if she goes in it'll be fine."

Silence followed that and then soft snores.

Their words confused her, but she also felt her stomach drop as she imagined them saying they were together or any other thing that would make her distressed. Her mind couldn’t stop thinking of possibilities and she finally knocked out as a way to avoid the overthinking.

When she woke up it was around three in the morning and it was because she was overheated. Confusion filled YN as she couldn’t figure out the problem, only to open her eyes and see both men cuddled into her from either side. Everything came rushing back to her at once, but she was still tired enough that she prepared to ignore it and go back to sleep.

Until she noticed their hands intertwined over her body. Nausea hit fast and before she knew it, she slipped from the bed and exited the room. It was the only time she was happy that either of them were heavy sleepers.

She limped from her room and went to Johnny’s. She created a similar set up for her ankle and pushing down all negative thoughts she cuddled into one of his plushies and went to sleep. Though not nearly fast enough to stop the tears.

The day after chaos reigned, YN woke up surprisingly early but didn’t dare leave Johnny’s bed. She waited in the dark in silence until she heard Yoongi leave and then slipped into her room as Johnny was in the kitchen making coffee. She’d barely made it in without him catching her, but once she was inside and the door was locked, him knowing didn’t matter.

From then on she tried not to think about anything that occurred and just got undressed and into the shower. The focus was on getting clean and hoping that that hot water would help along her still sore ankle; resting it through the night had been enough to keep it from getting too bad and it hadn’t swollen.

After she was cleaned she made quick work of getting dressed and taking down her hair, allowing her twist out to take full form. It needed a little sprucing up and then she was done. Ready to tackle the day.

Though she didn’t know how.

Every few seconds her brain focused on the sounds of Johnny moving around the apartment. Mostly because he wasn’t in his room, but out in the living room near her door which meant that he awaited her exit. She hoped that he would leave and she would have an opening to slip out and avoid him a little longer, but she knew he was stubborn and didn’t have to work that day so he had all the time in the world.

Since grabbing her stuff and escaping wasn’t a perfect plan she was forced to sit on her bed and think out other ones. There was the obvious choice of talking to him, but with all that went on her head she didn’t want that. Plus, she wanted to be a punk for a while and not deal with whatever it was him and Yoongi planned to tell her. That left things like stay in her room all day, exit via the fire escape and come through the front to grab her bag and shoes, or just go out of her door and walk past him. Staying in her room would drive her up the wall and the fire escape on the building was not the best and she’d have to jump a foot or two to get off it, something that would agitate her ankle.

That meant that she had to walk past him, which meant she needed an excuse. She sat there thinking for a while until she remembered something important she’d put off and planned to do after the event. Something that was important to keep her business running and that she told Johnny about.

It was perfect.

So, after taking a deep breath she stood from her bed and exited her room with some faux confidence and a whole lot of fake indifference.

The moment she was in sight Johnny stopped his movement. He looked ready to move closer to her but seemed to think better of it. Something she was thankful for since she didn’t know if she could get away from him if he was close enough to stop her. He wouldn’t hurt her and would let her go if she asked but being stopped messed with the whole flow of things for her.

YN didn’t linger too long on what he was doing and just walked to the front door and slipped on her shoes. She then grabbed her bag and made sure her wallet and phone were there before her hand touched the door to open it.

And that’s when Johnny spoke up.

“Do you want to talk about what happened? I feel like we should talk about it. Among other things,” he said.

For a second that made YN freeze, but she recovered rather quickly. Maintaining her “indifference” she turned to look at his face for the first time since she walked out and shrugged.

“Maybe later. Don’t really feel like dealing with anything besides spreadsheets and those tax forms I need to get out by tonight,” she said.

Though Johnny still appeared prepared to push he seemed to resign himself when she said tax forms. As an owner of his own business he knew that was important and it took her awhile to get everything ready for her accountant. Which meant he simply collapsed onto the couch and nodded.

With that small victory YN opened the door and walked out. Part of her said she should at least say bye or when she’d be back, but she knew talking to him longer would’ve made it harder for her. She’d nearly cracked when she saw the worry and sadness etched into his face.

Time is what she needed.

No one foresaw five days of it to go by though. Not even YN.

After she’d bypassed Johnny she’d genuinely ended up too busy to have the energy for any sort of conversation. Mountains of paperwork hit and there were issues left and right. Even when she was in Johnny, Yoongi, or Hyungwon’s presence it was so work related that they didn’t even attempt to talk about anything else or ask her to speak later.

Even at home she was left alone, especially because she’d fallen asleep while responding to Johnny about what to order for dinner one night.

Friday night was when things slowed down and she took her usual shift bartending. It was a packed night because they were handling an event that they themselves were running to get more business. Which meant that most of the staff worked, as well as Hyungwon and Johnny who was hired to take pictures to go up on social media and their website.

It put YN right in the middle of all of them and it was uncomfortable, but she kept strong. Well, she committed to giving them the silent treatment unless it was about work. And it worked out pretty well for her, she managed to get through most of her shift without giving into any attempts to talk or pull her to the side.

The non-plan gave way for reasons she couldn't foresee though.

While she left to the backroom to grab more tequila she was trailed by Hyungwon, who’d tried to get her alone the moment she’d come to work that day. He was begging for a moment of her time even as they made their way back towards the bar, but she held strong. Something she regretted the moment she passed the bottles to Yoongi so he could prep drinks and then turned to see someone she didn’t want to.

Her ex, Jisoo, stood right in front of her bar with a few friend’s laughing it up. None of them noticed her for the first several seconds, which she was thankful for, but it didn’t last long enough for her to fully pull herself together. When Jisoo turned to request a drink he was met with a clearly shocked YN.

Jisoo appeared surprised as well, but he pushed that aside to smirk at her with a quickness.

“YN, I didn’t know you worked here. I just got back into the country and this was the first place my friends recommended. Small world. Oh, Hyungwon… what a surprise to see you here too,” Jisoo said.

That snapped YN out of it and she turned to see Hyungwon glaring at the male, his hand in a fist as he stared him down. For a moment she was reminded of the past as she looked at him. The pain rose up for a second and she felt sick having them in the same place, but she pushed it down. Despite their falling out they’d done well since reconnecting and she was mostly past it all, even close to asking him to hang out like a friend. Allowing a piece of shit ruin that wasn’t okay.

Never again would she allow Jisoo to ruin things for her.

With that spark of anger and confidence she turned to stare down Jisoo herself. She noticed Yoongi closer than before and Johnny standing behind the little group ready to pounce, but she waved them off. YN needed it to be her who went off.

“I own this bar and Hyungwon here is my co-owner, so naturally we would be here,” she said.

For a second Jisoo was knocked off his game, but it wasn’t long before he bounced back. He was like Hyungwon that way and YN hated it.

“Oh? I thought you two were no longer on speaking terms?” he said.

“Well, clearly what you thought was wrong,” Hyungwon chimed in.

Hyungwon’s words elicited a laugh from Jisoo for some reason and it made YN uneasy, but she held her ground. No matter what he threw she knew she could take it. There was no way she’d allow him to see her hurt or crying.

Jisoo shrugged. “I guess so. You’re still with Ji-ah though, right YN? Last I heard you and her hit it off.”

That was the thing to force a humorless laugh from her lips. Only Jisoo would mention her other ex whom he knew she’d broken up with a while ago when she’d moved to take a job at a company out of the country. A company that Jisoo worked at, at that.

Of course, he had to be a trash human in more aspects than one.

“No, but you know that. Since you hit on her, took her on a few dates, slept with her and then told her how you knew me. That's why you asked her out in the first place. You remember that, right? Oh, and you have to remember how she told your job that and so they demoted you, plus moved you to a different branch,” YN said.

And at last the smirk left his face. While pleased by that, YN didn’t ignore the way he tensed and the anger that covered every inch of his expression.

“I feel like you’re the one who should remember. Like remember how you cried when you saw us together. The hurt on your face as I kissed hi-”

Before he could speak anymore Hyungwon almost punched him in the face. If it wasn’t for YN hip checking him and thus making him stumble he would’ve made impact on Jisoo’s right cheek.

Once Hyungwon was settled and being held back by a staff member YN’s attention focused solely on Jisoo.

“I don’t want you or your friend’s here. Ever. So, I’m going to ask you to leave. There will be no argument. No putting up a fight. No asking to be given another chance. You will leave and never return, am I understood?” she said calmly.

Naturally, Jisoo opened his mouth to reply but YN cut him off by whistling. Within seconds two security guards were at the bar and Jisoo’s friends dragged him towards the exit. It was clear that he wanted to say or do something, but he left without much issue and after that YN could breathe.

However, breathing meant that it all came crashing down on her and the next thing she knew she ran to the office with tears streaming down her face.

The intention was to get in there alone and ride out whatever wave of emotion hit until she could pull it together and go back to work like nothing happened. Of course, that meant that the first part didn’t happen.

Hyungwon had followed behind her and slipped in before she could fully close the door. Though it bothered a part of her she didn’t have it in her to say anything or react. She did have the energy to cry harder though, her attempt at silent tears only lasting seconds before sobs wracked her body.

In her head all she could think about is what happened all those years ago. Except the pain she felt was amplified. YN knew it wasn’t because of that or at least the feeling wasn’t solely because of that. No, because after reliving that in her head her brain brought up every other failed relationship and honestly all the failures in her life. It didn’t stop playing the flashbacks until it reached the more recent things to fuck up her life plans and the uncertain romantic feelings she had to endure.

It was all too much, especially when it came at her all at once.

She ended up so in her own head that she didn’t feel Hyungwon pull her into his arms and hold her close. Didn’t hear the apologies and words of reassurance. Didn’t hear the curses about her ex. Didn’t even feel when he moved them from standing to sitting in a chair, her on his lap with her face in his neck.

And time passed so swiftly that she couldn’t tell how long they’d been like that once she’d come back to. But it didn’t matter because it heightened her embarrassment of what had occurred and she attempted to escape him, only to be held in place by bony fingers.

Once she stopped fighting Hyungwon removed one of his hands and used it to lift her chin, forcing her to look at him.

“Your crying is valid and don’t you dare think otherwise. None of that embarrassed or frustrated bullshit because you deserve to be able to release all that,” Hyungwon said.

Even after years apart he still knew her reactions to being overwhelmed through and through, and in that moment she was eternally grateful.

With a nod from her he didn’t stop there.

“That was unexpected and I’m sorry he was here. I forgot how horrible he could be and then he’s just gotten worse over time. You’d think someone would stop playing those games and trying to mess with people’s mental and emotional stability, but alas here he is. I think his company was planning to do an event here, I’ll tell them we’re canceling it and that he’s the reason. Might even throw in some security footage for good measure.”

YN opened her mouth to object, but Hyungwon gave her a look that shut her up.

“Besides that, and I know this is a horrible time, I want to apologize. The way I acted a week ago was uncalled for. When you said it, I believed you I really did. It was just something that wanted to deny that he would. Not necessarily for my own feelings, though they did come into play. But also, because he’s the one who came to me. I had no interest in him whatsoever, but he was persistent in a way that wasn’t creepy and I thought who would work that hard to just throw it away. Especially when they’d been the one to bring up the subject of marriage recently.

“So, I went on the defense and instead of just checking what you had to say or denying it and moving on I went to the worst possible conclusion. Said things I didn’t believe even as they left my mouth. And thus, for the second time since meeting you hurt you in a way that wasn’t okay in the slightest. And I understand that you may not want to work towards friendship. I like to think we were close to getting back or wanting to deal with me. I just want to apologize because you deserve one and I know I was in the wrong.”

What neither of them expected, least of all YN, was her to start crying again. Her head dropped onto his shoulder and she felt her body shake again as she let it out. Though she could tell he was confused by the way his body tensed, he didn’t say anything and simply rubbed her back gently as she cried it out.

About five minutes later YN spoke.

“You’re a fucking idiot and an asshole.”

Hyungwon laughed. “True. But you know what happened when you tried to get me to be nicer for that month. If we’re being honest you made me worse.”

YN laughed that time, remembering how Hyungwon spent every day being closely watched by her as he tried to not be snarky with people. By the end he’d given up and snapped on some annoying man that wouldn’t leave them be and she was sure she saw tears in his eyes as he ran away from the fuming Hyungwon.

He mellowed out after that, but when someone truly tried him he was a lot more than he used to be. YN marked that as a major fail and stuck to keeping him calm when he rightfully deserved to put someone in their place, which was oddly often at their school.

“Yeah, a mistake on my part. But at least I got you to start counting to ten before you unleashed yourself.”

“Ah yes, what a great help that is. Ten seconds longer of dealing with the idiots.”

They both laughed that time and when they pulled it together they talked. About everything in detail. Nothing was left off the table and by the end YN felt less weight on her shoulders.

By the time they were done about an hour and a half had gone by, meaning they’d been back in the room for over two hours and the bar was shutting down.

“I guess I should go help since I flaked on my shit at the end,” YN said as she got up from Hyungwon’s lap.

At first he nodded and got up too seemingly ready to follow her and the next he was giving her a look and grasping at her wrist.

“What?” she asked, confused.

“You need to talk to them.”

A groan escaped her immediately and her head tilted back as she blew out a puff of air.

“Nope. None of that. Talk to them. Tonight. And don’t be a stubborn brat and not let them finish what they have to say. I’m sure it would clear up a lot of things for her,” Hyungwon said.

There was no use in arguing because he would win and she knew he was right, even if she didn’t want to admit that to herself.

“Fine.”

And that was all it took for him to release her and take the lead on exiting the office. However, YN didn’t get the chance to leave right behind him. The moment Hyungwon was out, both Johnny and Yoongi stumbled in forcing her to take several steps back.

They both appeared nervous and disheveled, which helped calm YN for some reason. Though it didn’t get rid of all the feelings like she would’ve preferred.

“We need to talk. Now. We can’t keep putting it off,” Johnny blurted out.

If YN didn’t know how frazzled he got under pressure she’d be shocked by his actions, much like Yoongi who stared the man down eyes wide, but she’d known Johnny long enough to expect that kind of thing. What she was shocked about is how he didn’t dive into explaining right then and there.

Once she was sure he was done talking and that Yoongi had nothing to say she took over.

“We do need to talk. But it would be better not here. So, after we close up and at the apartment, yeah?”

That appeared to shock Yoongi more and Johnny too. They both probably assumed she’d be resistant or straight up tell them no. Things she debated on for half a second but couldn’t go through with.

“Okay,” they both said.

With that YN patted both of them on the shoulder and headed out to help.

About an hour after that everyone was done and headed out of the door. They said their goodbyes with the staff - and Hyungwon who hugged her while threatening what would happen if she didn’t give either man a chance to talk - then they got in a taxi to go back to the apartment.

Silence prevailed, which made YN awkward since she was sandwiched between them in the back seat, but she didn’t let it take over her. At least not too much. She held strong despite it and managed to make it out of the car and into the apartment without thinking of making a run for it.

The same couldn’t be said for either of the men though. YN hadn’t faced them until she was rid of her jacket and shoes and sat on the love seat, but the moment she did they froze. For a second they stared at each other both expressions unsure, but then they seemed to come to a consensus and finally fully entered the apartment, taking a seat on the couch.

Again, they were immersed in silence, but that only made things more tense.

“Go ahead,” she said.

Thankfully, they didn’t take long to react to that.

“We,” Yoongi started, pausing to look at Johnny before continuing. “We know we’ve done a horrible job at making things clear to you. We’ve been a little secretive and haven’t made the most effort in ensuring you were okay when we saw that something was off. It was a major fuck up on our part, one that could’ve prevented if I hadn’t been so stuck on keeping a certain timeline on how we should talk to you about this. And I’m starting to ramble when it was agreed upon that I would tell you so we could get straight to the point. And oh my fucking goodness, will I stop it already. Okay, basically we both want to date you.”

YN felt her entire body tense as confusion filled her.

“Excuse me?” she said.

That went unheard though.

“That’s not how we agreed you’d say it,” Johnny whined.

Yoongi scoffed. “It is. Well, not exactly but all the words I used were in the agreed upon statement.”

“Maybe, but you could have at least tried to eas-”

“Excuse me!” YN shouted.

That stopped Johnny and got both their attention.

“You don’t get to drop a bomb like that and then not elaborate. Especially to a very confused person whose last week has been trash. Explain yourselves.”

There was another silent moment of them staring at each other and then Yoongi gestured for Johnny to go ahead. Johnny rolled his eyes but turned his full attention to YN before speaking.

“What Yoongi said was true, we do both want to date you. But before you start to spiral and come up with your own conclusions let me fill in a few things. We’ve both known Yoongi for over a year now, you more than me. And he and I have always clicked despite how worried you were that he would slap me upside the head for being too friendly and getting in his space. It’s an easy kinda friendship we’ve had going, but then that day at the bar a few months ago we really clicked. I know we’ve been obvious about the attraction and it’s only built over time.

“The thing is we soon realized that both of us also feel something for you. Those feelings are from before we ever looked at each other that way and despite the growing feelings between us it was still there. Yoongi just about lost his shit when he realized and was very confused. And well, you know that most of my relationships have been poly, so it was nothing new for me. Though still kinda surprising because I thought I’d continue to live my life not acting on feelings for you I’ve felt for years.”

“I’m sorry what?” YN practically screamed.

The interruption earned her a glare which quieted her despite wanting an answer.

“As I was saying. I was planning to not act on them, but then suddenly someone else who I liked felt the same way for you as I did and it felt like a chance. That plus Hyungwon telling me I was an idiot for not realizing the crush you had on me before you got with dickwad back in college after he overheard me talking to Yoongi. But either way everything aligned and after I got Yoongi to accept that this was a viable option we started doing those group hangouts. To us they were test dates, but then we… well we…”

“We realized that we weren’t including you as much as we thought and could tell how third wheeling it felt,” Yoongi said.

Johnny nodded. “Yes, that. We failed to factor in as people who know each other, but don’t know each other and who are using those outings as dates we’d get caught up in each other. Which we realized but didn’t realize how bad until yet again Hyungwon overheard us. Told us we were idiots, because it was clear that you felt something for both of us and yet we were both going around acting like a couple in early days while dragging their friend who didn’t know we liked them around. And then we decided to fix things, but then the falling out with Hyungwon happened and nothing worked so we were unsure of what to do next besides maybe cornering you. So, yeah.”

With the way Johnny so abruptly ended that YN was left unsure of how to proceed. What had been said was a lot to take in. Not because it was wild or out of her comfort zone, but because despite feelings she’d had no time to process her own. She knew how she felt about them both, but she’d never allowed herself to linger on it too long to address how to handle things. And when she found herself finally admitting it things went to shit and she thought the only people she’d been interested in in years were on their way to dating each other without her ever having a real chance of seeing if either of them felt the same way.

Since YN hadn’t gotten that out of the way she definitely had no time to factor in any poly relationship. Like Johnny said she did know he was into it, but Yoongi wasn’t someone she knew well enough to know if he was down for that. He didn’t judge it, but not caring about how people lived their lives and actively participating were two different things.

Just the thought of having that conversation with him made her nervous despite it being more of what he would have done in the past and not in her present since she’d heard that he’d agreed with it. At least that’s what she thought they said. Her brain was frazzled.

“Hold on,” she finally said after minutes of silence. “So, I’m clear. You both want to date me and each other? You just failed to realize that you should’ve gotten to know each other better and go on dates alone, before trying to test out a poly relationship with me without my knowledge?”

“Yes,” Yoongi said while Johnny nodded.

Without warning pillows from the loveseat were in YN’s hands, she was standing, and said pillows were making contact with each male’s body.

“You. Two. Are. Fuckin. Idiots. How. Could. You. Not. Think. That. Through? What. Happened. To. Being. So. Got. Damn. Smart. Huh?”

Each word was spoken in time with the pillows swinging down on them. And though they squirmed they didn’t try to dodge or take them away from her. They let her keep going until she was satisfied.

Upon her clearly giving up her attack they both reach out and pull her down onto the couch so her body stretched out across them.

“Yes, we’re idiots. And we’re sorry about not thinking things through and telling you. But we’re idiots who are smitten with you and would like a chance to date you,” Johnny said, his hand moved to find the spot at the back of her head that she enjoyed being scratched. She didn’t even care that he was messing up her hair a little, just relaxed into the feeling.

“Ditto,” Yoongi said.

That drew glares from Johnny and YN, which he responded to by throwing his hands in the air in surrender.

“We are really sorry. And if you could let us date you, it would make me very happy,” he said.

His second response sated both of them and they relaxed back into their little moment. And as time ticked by they all grew more comfortable. There was more to talk about, but they cleared the space and it was clear they were all relieved. YN most of all.

Though she tried not to show it, YN felt giddy and wanted to giggle as she watched them both interact with each other and her. So much so that it slipped out when they both leaned over to press kisses to her cheeks. It seemed to amuse them, but she was so embarrassed she slipped away to change and scolded herself for the behavior. Not that she didn’t do it again when her mind replayed what happened.

They spent the rest of the night watching TV and eating food they’d ordered. It was peaceful and comfortable, so much so that they almost fell asleep on the couch.

Two in the morning rolled around before they all dragged feet to climb in Johnny’s bed and knock out. YN wanted to sleep on the outside of the bed, but ended up sandwiched between the both of them, not that she complained about it.

Once they were all comfortable they said their good nights and tried to sleep, but one adjustment by Johnny against her ass had YN slapping his arm.

“You cannot possibly be hard right now,” she whined.

Johnny pressed closer after that, grinding his dick against her ass more.

“You can’t possibly be calling me out on it right now as if it hasn’t happened before,” he mumbled.

“And both of you can’t possibly be having this conversation while I try to sleep. Go to bed before the next thing you’re both complaining about is how bruised and sore your asses are,” Yoongi chimed in.

Though it was meant as a means to shut them up all it did was elicit whimpers from both of them at the thought. That’s when Yoongi sat up and stared down at them and even in the dark they could see the smirk.

“Oh, you like that do you?”

They both nodded eagerly.

“Then strip.”

Neither of them had ever moved so fast in their lives and it was beyond worth it. Complaining was kept to a minimum the next day, but only because Yoongi took very good care of his babies and made sure to kiss their booboos all better.

[nonawaaa]

Lovers Series: Forsaken Story 

1, 2 , 3 , 4

Sakura cannot believe she is in a coffee shop with a guy who isn’t her classmate or friend, well maybe he is her friend but to her, he is more than a friend. Uchiha Sasuke is her major major major crush. To repeat that, her MAJOR crush. He helped her with some duties she had in the campus once then they started hanging out from time to time and she thought that he was really cute. WRONG. He is dead handsome. A God-given angle to be honest. But she isn’t the type of girl who would jump into him just to go out with him. She likes it more casual, and secret, she is not sure if her having crush is still a secret but she likes to believe it.

They are studying in this coffee shop near the school library, normal college stuff if you would say, they were really to stay in the school library but Sakura is surprised that he suggested to go to a coffee shop because she knows he doesn’t want anyone seeing him with other people, especially girls, rumors travel easily in their campus, also his friends are loud and they can really tease someone to death if they wanted to. Sakura likes to study alone in her dorm, where it is quiet so she can focus more, but when your crush calls you asking if he can study with you, you wouldn’t say no right?

“Sakura? You’ve been staring you know. Are you tired? Should I buy you another coffee?” Sakura snapping from her train of thoughts to look at this handsome guy in front of her.

“What? Uh no! I’m fine, I was just uhh… memorizing…yes!” she blushed a little by the thought of him looking at her, maybe, she doesn’t really know as her mind likes to daydream today instead of paying attention to her surroundings.

She looks at their table, full of books and snacks. They bought their coffees already but she notices that Sasuke’s coffee hasn’t really been touched, she guessed he’s more of a snack guy.

‘He is a snack,’ her inner thoughts speaking to her and her eyes widen by the thought of it. He is more of a meal if she would clarify that.

“I guess you don’t really like studying in public do you,” he asked while writing something on his notebook, maybe some notes.

“I’m more comfortable studying at home but this is fine too,” finals are coming so Sakura needs to study anytime she can get, though she can’t really focus when she’s with him.

“I guess me too… but I really like studying with you,” Sasuke said almost mumbling as he focuses on doing his notes, what did he meant by that?

“Huh?” Sakura looks at him a bit confused.

“You like to study, so you kind of rub that on me,” he answered normally, his statement not even bothering him. Sakura wanted to ask more but she notices that almost half a day has gone by and the amount she has studied is not even close if she wants to pass, she needs to focus, she needs to study, this is what they came for right? Right.

***

The day has gone by and it’s already 7 pm, they both wanted to study in the coffee shop more if the staff didn’t tell them that they would be closing for the day. Sakura found her focus and she is a bit irritated that they needed to stop, Sasuke looks like he is a bit irritated too. They both didn’t know that the shop closes so early.

“We have been there since morning,” Sakura stated, she doesn’t know what to feel by her statement as she just wanted someone to talk, she doesn’t do well in the silence, so she wanted to start a conversation.

“Hn,” Sasuke replied, she guessed it was a reply even though it is too short to consider one. She wants to spend more time with him, but maybe this is enough for the day, God has replied to her prayers more than once this time.

“So yeah… I’m goi-“ She was about to tell him her goodbyes when he speaks again.

“Would you like to uhh… have dinner?” Sakura cannot even comprehend what he said, her brain is too tired. Maybe she misheard him? She realizes that his ears are getting red, maybe he’s embarrassed? Sakura is trying hard not to blush too much by the offer.

“Yeah, sure… w-Where do you want to have dinner?” They are both blushing at this point, Sakura is trying hard not to stammer, should she consider this as a date? Oh my gosh what if this is a date? She is not prepared for a date, she is wearing slide ons! Sakura’s brain is jumping conclusions after conclusions.

‘No this is just a simple dinner dumbass,’ Sakura repeated on her mind to calm her heart down, but she can’t stop her own what ifs.

‘God if this is a date, please let me have some sneakers or heels next time,’

“There is actually uhh… my mother sent me a message earlier… she said we should have dinner at our house, only if you want to of course, we can look for somewhere you like...,” the last part is almost a whisper.

Sakura’s brain is ringing all the bells it can ring, what did he said? Did he just say at his house? They are not kids anymore, right? This is normal, just normal. But holy shit.

‘What have my past self done to be this lucky today!’ her inner thoughts are shouting.

“Also, my mom said… she would like to meet you,” Oh her heart is about to explode at this point. What is happening?! Why is he saying this? Sakura’s mind is just going blank, she is just staring at Sasuke at this point, staring blankly, she is trying her best to remain calm.

“Sakura? You don’t need to if you don’t want you know,” Sakura smiled, she thought Sasuke is cute when he’s like this, all embarrassed but she remembered that she is too, maybe she even looks like a tomato at this point, too red.

“Uhh... it’s a bit embarrassing but yes of course I would love too,” Sakura said almost too fast, but when she finished saying that she also saw Sasuke smiled. Oh, to see that smile.

It is safe to think of this as a date, right? Sakura thinks it is more than a date, she is meeting his mother! Maybe, just maybe, this is her moment. Maybe he also feels the same.

Maybe she has a chance.

***

Going in the Uchiha household is a roller coaster ride for Sakura, mentally and emotionally. She still can’t believe that Sasuke invited her. Transportation wasn’t a big deal, she didn’t know that Sasuke brought his car so they didn’t have any problem, but that became Sakura’s problem.

‘Is this really alright? Me? Going to his house? Having dinner with his family? I. Am. Wearing. Slide. Ons.’

Not that wearing that is big of deal for her, but she knows she could do better when she is going to meet her potentially, future in-laws, is what she likes to believe. They are on their way to Sasuke’s house.

“Sasuke-kun, is this really alright?”

“Of course. If you don’t want to, we could have dinner somewhere else,”

“It’s not that,” Sakura do not know how to tell him that she is embarrassed, one of the many emotions she is feeling right now. She noticed that Sasuke is glancing at her.

“What are you looking at mister? Eyes on the road please,” She began to tease him to ease her growing anticipation of what to expect when they arrive there.

“If you’re worried about your slide ons, they’re fine,” Sasuke said while smiling as he looks at the road ahead. Sakura blushed as her embarrassment goes beyond the car roof.

“You are so bad!” Sakura exclaimed while Sasuke chuckled at her response. Sakura smiled at his action, why is he doing this? What is his game? As they fall into silence, she was feeling so comfortable with him.

“I could get use to this you know,” she said while looking at the window beside her. As not to be awkward if he notices her blush.

“Hn,”

***

As they arrive in the house it’s just what she expects, a very big mansion, she knows that Sasuke’s family is good in businesses so she didn’t expect less than this. Now her slide ons are shaking, what if they mistake her as a maid?

‘They wouldn’t, right? I heard they are very polite,’ Sakura talks to herself as she observed the house. They were pulling up the drive way and it is a long drive way.

“My mother really wanted to meet you, she likes to meet all of my friends,” Sasuke said while he turns off the engine.

‘Right. Friends. Duh’ her inner self talking to her.

Sasuke walks out of the car and she follows. The mansion is beautiful full of lights, bright lights that shows the house’s intricate designs, it’s a mix of traditional and modern house but more on the tradition side. As they walk through the front door, a very beautiful lady great them.

“Sasuke-kun! I am so glad you chose to have dinner here! You must be Sasuke’s friend?” She hugged Sasuke and smiled at her. She looks so beautiful, she looks like Sasuke. Sakura couldn’t help but stare at her, she is mesmerized by her beauty. Sasuke notices that Sakura has no plans of looking away.

“Kaa-chan, this is Haruno Sakura, Sakura this is my mother,” Sasuke said and in an instance, Sakura looks at Sasuke with wide eyes.

‘His mother! She looks like our age! What’s with their genes?!’ Sakura is freaking out, but she smiled at the beautiful woman in front of her and tried her best to talk.

“Good evening Uchiha-san, I am Haruno Sakura, pleasure to meet you,”

“Oh! Don’t be too formal my dear! Just call me Mikoto-san, everybody here is Uchiha-san,” Sasuke’s mother said while smiling at her, smile so warm.

“Let’s go and have dinner, shall we?” Mikoto-san continued and walks toward the right hallway of the mansion. Sakura notices Sasuke looking at her and she can’t help her smile.

“Why didn’t you tell me she’s your mother?!” she whispered to Sasuke as they walk behind Mikoto-san.

“Doesn’t she look like my mother?”

“She looks like your sister!”

Sasuke smiled at her, more like laugh at her but he’s holding it in so his mother wouldn’t notice. He grabs Sakura’s arm and continued to walk while dragging her with him.

Sakura couldn’t help her emotions. She wants to cry, cry to God for listening to her wishes. She feels so lucky. She finally decided, this is her time, this is her moment, this is God’s will, she will confess to him, she will tell him her feeling, at this moment she knows, that there is a chance that Sasuke feels the same.

She will take her chance.

[raidbossmadi]

Rough Patch

Early CoV

Tyreen paced up and down the length of the Cathedral infirmary waiting room. She was glad that aside from the glass door, the walls of the room were thick metal. The God-Queen couldn’t be caught nervously wringing her hands as she paced like a captive lion. Not that she looked like the God-Queen when she was draped in a too big hooded jacket over a thin tank top, however she couldn’t settle down or stop herself. Troy was in surgery; perhaps the most extensive operation he’d been through besides breaking his jaw when they were teenagers.

She took a deep breath and reminded herself that it would be ok, that this was necessary. It wasn’t his fault he was so fragile, a fact that had been repeated to her by her parents since they’d been born back on Nekrotafeyo. She’d always had to be strong while she watched their parents dote over him, their mother boosting him with her own siren energy when he was running low. Tyreen had never been sickly, only catching a cold once or twice in her childhood,and she had never been severely injured before the incident with the guardians.It had always been so hard to wrap her head around the fact that her twin brother, who had once even been a part of her could be so sickly in return.

It was for that reason that Tyreen was grateful when Allison had sat her down and explained in great detail what they would be doing to Troy in this operation. She had been the one to catch that the scrap contraption Troy called a right arm was pulling his spine out of alignment and exacerbating a congenital defect in his vertebra. Without this operation the damage would worsen,and the neurological symptoms would become unavoidable. Allison had also gotten Troy to agree to getting a neural port installed so that he could actually use the arm instead of just hanging off him like the hunk of scrap it was.

None of that helped now,though,she was still anxious about what was going on beyond the waiting room door. In her mind, images flashed of her brother flayed open on a cold operation table picked through like an animal being dissected. Their fathers' warnings of what the corporations would do to them repeated over these images. She hated how the infirmary smelled, so sterile and clean. It felt fake like that, especially here on Pandora. Nothing should be this clean not even if it was a medical practice.

Tyreen stopped her pacing and shook her head, this was ridiculous. Allison Spectra was the woman who had saved them when she had been sure Troy was about to die in the Promethean slums. She had been their doctor for years at this point there was no reason to think she would suddenly be untrustworthy, especially when she’d brought in one of the best neurosurgeons in the six galaxies to aid in the operation. Troy was literally in the most capable hands he could be in, she just needed to relax.

She sat down in the chair she had left her bag on and fished out her echo-phone. Everyone in the Inner Circle knew what was going on, and Juni had assured her that they would handle things until Troy was stable. Tyreen still couldn’t help but check in on the morning reports, Jaxon had just finished leading the sermon. While it was a relief that the Children of the Vault could run itself without her constant supervision. Tyreen felt like it was all she had control of in this moment. If she truly needed to, she could phone Juni and have her do whatever she needed done, of course she knew that she should just let it rest, for now, and focus on the things at hand but it was comforting to know that one thing at least was always in her control.

She did however open the channel she used to talk to all the department heads. The moment her icon took a green aura indicating she was online she immediately got pinged by Juni.

Juniper (Marketing) : TYREEN! Turn it off!

Juniper (Marketing): You promised you’d look after yourself, micromanaging us isn’t looking after yourself Tyreen. I can handle things while you worry about yourself and Troy, Jaxon is on the alert too she promised to handle anything that comes her way.

Tyreen huffed at the messages, even though they made her feel fuzzy inside. Knowing that Juni was looking after her she couldn’t just not answer.

Tyreen (God Queen): Thanks. I’ll head off now, you remind me to get you a gift basket or three when this is handled.

She closed the app and sifted through some current news articles looking for anything to distract her. Until the door clicked open, one of the nurses stepped out and was almost immediately accosted by Tyreen.

“Is it done? Is he ok? He’s ok right?”Tyreen would never act like this if she thought it would get out into the general public but the medical team was sworn to secrecy the same way the department heads were.

“God-Queen, we aren’t done quite yet. Dr.Spectra wanted to speak with you. She’ll be out in a moment.”The nurse said in a tone that had anyone else used they would have found themselves husked. Today though nobody would be husked, these people were here to do a job.

The nurse disappeared back behind the door and after what felt like entirely too long the familiar face of Allison Spectra stepped into the room. Most of her definable features were masked off by her surgical scrubs but her amber eyes that softened when they focused on Tyreen were unmistakable.

“Ah Tyreen, don’t worry everything’s been going perfectly fine. We’ve installed all the vertebral implants and Dr.Sampson is getting ready to install the neural port. Actually that’s what I wanted to speak with you about, as I’m sure you can imagine it’s a bit of a delicate process and while Dr.Sampson is the best neuro specialist in this arm of the galaxy things can still be a little tricky.”Allison held up a hand as Tyreen began to glare at her.

Tyreen weighed the words carefully. She did not want to jump to any conclusions but Allison more so than anybody else in the CoV would know how seriously Tyreen took her brother's health. How could she not when she had been the one who had found a freshly rained on frantic eighteen year old in the lobby of her private practice on Promethea sobbing and begging for help, that her brother was sicker than he’d ever been. Allison had only ever been here to help, and she knew that.

“Shouldn’t you, y’know be in there then? Not out here with me?”She said after what felt like an insufferably long pause. Surely if the operation was not done, one of the attending physicians shouldn’t be out here with her just because she was wearing a track into the floor.

“I’m not a neurosurgeon if you’ll recall,the nurses can handle watching his vitals. There’s no reason for me to be clogging up the operating room when there’s nothing more I can do.”Allison took her mask and gloves off, shoving them into a pocket of her operating scrubs, then placed a gentle hand on Tyreens leg.”Besides, I figured you could use some company.”

Tyreen said nothing to that. It was true she could use the company. How often did she forget that despite all her bluster she was a person, there was only so much she could shoulder by herself before the bottled up emotions ran over. She said nothing but let the hand remain, a good little reminder that she deserved the comfort of others.

——

Tyreen didn’t know what to expect when she walked into Troy’s hospital room. The only force driving her forward right now was the need for visual confirmation that her twin was alive and well. Dr.Sampson had used a lot of big medical terms she didn’t really understand while telling her the operation had been successful. To be honest her brain had mostly blocked out everything he’d said after confirming that Troy had taken all the implants well. She knew that anything that she needed clarification on she could turn to Allison for, but nothing would settle her other than seeing Troy herself.

Nothing could have prepared her for what she saw when she entered the room. Time seemed to slow around her as she looked at the heavily bandaged figure that lay in the hospital bed. Her mind immediately registered him as her brother. However,he looked so different in that moment, even when he’d needed his jaw glued back together he still looked like Troy. Laying in the bed now he looked so small.

She was transported back in an instant to Nekrotafeyo, to the days when she would be pulled by her father kicking and screaming away from the bed while her mother would cradle Troy’s tiny body in her lap, how still he would be sometimes. This was just like that only mom and dad weren’t here now to stroke her hair and tell her everything would be alright.

Allison and Dr.Sampson had both warned her that it wouldn’t be pretty, that there would probably be blood seepage,but not to worry unless it seemed excessive.Even so,the bloodstained bandages caught her attention.She was glad that Troy was being pumped full of the best pain killers on the market because even without seeing what lay under the bandages it looked so painful.

It took every ounce of self-control she had to not just touch him with her powers and take the pain away. The doctors had been very clear with her that she could not make the same mistake she’d made with his jaw. He would be laid up for a month at the longest;they had to let his body heal naturally or he would likely be paralyzed if not worse. She perched in the chair by his bedside so afraid that if she were to so much as breathe on him he would turn to dust before her eyes.

She hummed softly, the old lullaby their mother used to sing when they were scared or afraid. Leda had so many lullabies that Tyreen felt like she did no justice to. They were, however, one of the last tenuous strands to their mother they had left and in this moment she needed the strength that Leda had always had.

***

Tyreen was determined to sit vigil at her brother's bedside; she hadn’t left the room in days. When the medical team would come in to check on him she’d excuse herself to the bathroom or go stand in the hallway. She had seen them change his bandages once and that had been one time too many for her. Allison asked her if she’d eaten every time she came in and Tyreen lied through her teeth, she hadn’t left the infirmary ward at all, for once in her life her ability to sustain herself without eating was useful.

She’d fallen out of the habit of checking her echo every ten minutes, if someone needed her attention so desperately they could message her. She was deep in thought when movement at the door caught her attention and Juniper walked in. Tyreen had forgotten that she’d given Juni permission to enter the ward if she so chose to, but she was glad to see a familiar face from outside the ward.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Tyreen echoed back at her, her gaze never straying. Juniper dragged a chair from the corner of the room and sat next to her God-Queen.

“How’s he doing?” She asked, placing a hand on Tyreen’s shoulder.

“Fine. They’re gonna have him sleep through the worst of it.”

“And how are you doing chica? You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

“I haven’t. Not really at least. I’ve caught a few hours here and there but…I just worry something awful will happen to him while I sleep.” Tyreen rubbed her eyes, she felt like a ghost of herself.

“You can’t hold yourself responsible for that Tyreen. You know that right? This is out of your hands now.” Juni soothed giving the other woman's leg a reassuring squeeze.

“I can though. This is my fault, the fact that he needed the operation at all, the fact he’s so sick all the time. All of it.”

“Would you blame yourself if he was like this and you hadn’t been born the way the both of you had been?”

Silence met the question and after a long pause with no answer in sight Juniper sighed.“ I get it. He’s your family, he’s all you got, but that doesn’t mean you can tear yourself apart like this.”

She sighed again and looked to the door before looking back at Tyreen. “Listen, when I was just a little younger than you my family lived in the Promethean slums. Folks didn’t care about what ended up in the air or water cos we were the underbelly and they were progress. I had a younger sister and I had to sit and watch as she got sicker and sicker and nobody gave a damn. I had to watch my sister suffer and die and accept there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. As the older or stronger sibling we so often feel like it’s on us alone to protect our siblings, but we can’t do it all Tyreen.”

“Troy’s a tough guy, and you're literally sitting in one of the best medical facilities on Pandora. He’ll be alright and if he does need you? Shouldn’t you be in the best condition you can be to provide for him. Please just get something to eat, have a nap. I’ll stay here and watch him for you Ty.”

Tyreen looked up at Juniper, there were tears in both of their eyes and a look of understanding Tyreen had never seen from another person before. She had always thought her burdens were things she couldn’t share with anyone else, she hadn’t even considered that other people would feel powerless in such a situation. She figured that regular people just accepted that other peoples lives were out of their control. For Juniper to understand her pain and be willing to watch over Troy in her place, it touched her. Juniper was among the few people Tyreen considered a genuine friend and this only cemented that thought for her.

She got up slowly, feeling a bit dizzy. Perhaps she did need to eat more than she thought she did. She gave Juniper a small tired smile.

“Promise you’ll call if anything changes.”

“You’ll be the first to know hun.” Juni patted her shoulder and tilted her head towards the door. “Go on, go take care of yourself.”

[angelicspaceprince]

Keeping Warm

Author: Ama

Title: Keeping Warm

Pairing: Zhuk/Reader

Character/s: Zhuk

Word Count: 2, 541 words

Warnings: Smut (18+ only please), cockwarming, public sex, train sex, 

Prompt: Zhuk wanted to show you all the sights and sounds of his home country of Russia, but you definitely was not expecting what he has in store for you today.

Notes: So. Yes. Ok. I may have. A small problem. And addiction. To this sorta thing. Translations for long pieces of Russian is at the bottom of the post in order of appearance. Enjoy.

Buy Me a Coffee

Keeping Warm

The fact that you were in Russia, visiting Zhuk’s home, was incredible to you. Yes, it was right before the cold snap of winter, but everything was gorgeous. Every sight, every sound, everything Zhuk had to show you was incredible. Saint Petersburg, Red Square, the City of the Dead, the Dancing Forest, even Muromtzevo Castle. Zhuk wanted to show you every part of his homeland as possible, holding you close as he zapped you to a new location each day.

Which is why it surprised you that he insisted that today you needed to take the train.

You didn’t mind, even though it was freezing and he insisted on you wearing his favourite dress that barely covered your ass rather than pants, you just thought the entire situation was….well. A little off to say the least.

The train was packed. Even before you climbed in. You turned to look at Zhuk, almost in a pleading fashion. Wouldn’t it just be easier for him to transport you there? He simply chuckles and pushes you forward, hand on the base of your back as you enter the carriage. Zhuk, somehow, managed to procure a seat for himself, having you stand up in front of him. That really should have been your first clue that something was wrong.

The train hadn’t even started moving before Zhuk grabbed the lapels of your coat and tugged you into his lap. It wasn’t an uncommon location for you to be in, in fact, it was pretty much your guaranteed seat at the manor. Hell, he’d even have you sit in his lap during smaller meetings. That you were used to. But this? In public? With what you were wearing? It wasn’t a place you were 100% sure you wanted to be.

You shift into his lap until you’re comfy, looking up to see his lips turned into an amused smirk, amber eyes glinting, almost as if he was plotting. “Malysh, come closer?” He requests, his amused look not changing for even a second. “I’m cold.”

“Thought you’d be used to the cold weather by now.” You tease as you shuffle forward slighl-

Oh.

Oh.

So that was his game.

You look up at him at the feeling of his very hard, leaking cock that had made its way out of his pants and was pressed up against you, your brain piecing together why he wanted you in that short dress. And why he requested you go panty-less, a request you firmly denied. A decision you stood by even in the current situation.

He returns your look, his hands moving to reach your waist from under your coat, rubbing his hands up and down your sides in a soothing motion. The elderly woman across from you coos before speaking to Zhuk in rapid Russian, him simply smiling and returning her comment smoothly. You barely catch the words ‘is nervous’ and ‘isn��t used to the cold’, your Russian - although good enough to converse with - not good enough to follow the two speaking it so quickly.

You do catch her saying ‘what a good man you are, looking out for your wife’ and that nearly causes you to snort, having to hide your face against his neck. If only she could see that the ‘soothing motions’ were actually him pulling your dress up to your waist, his fingertips tracing over the lace of your panties. You don’t know how it happened, one second they were there, the next they were gone, but soon your bottom half was bare and you could feel the scratchy fabric of his trousers against your ass. His fingers skillfully, almost playfully, move to spread your folds and dance along your clit before slowly sliding inside of you, stretching you, preparing you. You don’t know how to respond, face red as you bite back gasps and small moans, much to his delight and enjoyment. You look up at him through your lashes, eyes wide as you murmur, “Zhuk, moy muzh,” shifting slightly in his lap, accidentally forcing his fingers deeper inside of you, causing a small jolt and grunt to fall from your lips. The look in his eyes is positively feral as he calmly lifts you up and pulls you flush against him before slowly lowering you onto his cock, slowly filling you up as you take him to the hilt. His strong arms wrap around you, keeping you pressed against his chest to stop you from moving.

“Keep me warm, moya zhena.” He purrs in your ear as your arms wrap around him, face pressed against his neck as you try to hold back small moans, feeling so incredibly full. Your hand briefly move to feel your stomach, causing you to whine softly into his shoulder when you feel him. Pulsing, throbbing, but most importantly, filling you and stretching you in a way no one else could. You press down just to see if it’d make you feel fuller, which it does and it causes you to whimper softly. What it also does, much to your surprise is cause Zhuk to let out the smallest, quietest, tiniest little moan, almost breathy, right in your ear. You freeze for a second, and in that second, you nearly forgot where you were. You try to go and press down on the bulge protruding out of your stomach slightly, only for a pair of hands to catch your wrists and tug them away before disappearing. “Behave.” The one word rumbles out from deep within his chest.

You somehow manage to settle, his arms having wrapped around you to the point he was able to rub at your hips gently. To the onlooker, it simply looked like the two of you were completely and utterly lost in one another, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, completely hidden by the thick fabric of your coats. But, in reality, you were struggling to remain quiet, remain discreet. Every so often, as the train went over a part of particularly bumpy track, Zhuk would jerk up into you before settling back down, it causing a sudden jolt of hot pleasure through your already sensitive system as you move to hide your red face against the collar of his coat, biting down on your lip to the point that, at some stage, you had caused it to bleed. Ever the gentleman (or as gentlemanly as one could be with his cock currently pressing against every sensitive spot inside of you), Zhuk calmly swipes away the few droplets of blood before swooping down to kiss the pain away, lips soft against yours as his tongue chases after the few drops he missed, closing the wound for you as he does so. As he pulls back, you feel his cool breath coast over your face, eyes having fluttered shut as you try to concentrate on his lips and him filling you and him healing you and just him in his entirety. His delicious, mischievous, sexy entirety. “Beregis', malen'kaya roza. My ne khotim, chtoby vy unichtozhili takoye prekrasnoye proizvedeniye iskusstva, verno? Eto moya rabota.” He purrs lowly and slowly, giving you a chance to translate the sentence into English, causing you to shudder.

“It’s your own fault.” You complain, moving to rest against his shoulder once more as he chuckles, enjoying the sensation of his vibrating chest against yours.

You settle back down and try to focus on anything. Anything other than the delicious stretch he was providing, anything other than how every so often either one of you would shift and it would send a large shiver down your spine as the fabric of his pants rubs against your clit, anything other than how you could feel him throb and pulse inside of you. Anything other than that incredibly hot growl he lets off every time you clench or squeeze around him, that one-word warning rumbling past his lips every single time that gets at you just enough for you to temporarily obey him. Anything other than the low vibrations that seem to be coming deep inside the train right up through Zhuk and inside of you, turning his cock into a low-setting vibrator. It feels good, too good, to have him fill you, stretch you, hold you flush against him. You can’t help the occasional whine or whimper that falls from your lips. You can almost feel his smirk every single time as a large hand palm at the bulge he has created and murmuring a soft ‘soon’ into your ear, a promise of what was soon to come.

Slowly, but surely, the carriage begins to empty. Each stop, several passengers disembark with very few boarding. Within thirty minutes, there is just you, the elderly lady who is knitting quietly opposite you and three other passengers to your left. At the next stop, they all leave, the elderly lady biding the both of you farewell as she goes, only Zhuk returning the goodbye.

The train takes off once more and you relax into his arms. Finally alone.

Zhuk, on the other hand, has very different plans. His grip on your waist tightens as he growls lowly, and then, without hesitation or mercy. Zhuk begins to fuck you.

You weren’t expecting a slow, romantic, love-making session, but the ferocity of how he takes you does surprise you slightly, your last brain cell melting from your mind with that thought as you cling to him, nails biting down into the black wool of his coat and teeth sinking in against his neck as you desperately try to muffle any sounds pouring from your throat as to avoid alerting the people in the next carriage.

You feel so full, in a way that only he’s ever been able to fill you, so completely and nearly to the brink of breaking point, him pressing against every little spot inside of you that makes your body tingle and light up with each thrust upwards into you. You’re not sure what it was, the fear of getting caught, the idea that you were in public, having sat on him for at least three-quarters of an hour before he started fucking you, the risk that at the next stop the carriage could fill up again, the time factor because of that fact, the rough cotton of his pants rubbing against your clit so deliciously, his low, rumbly voice with his own special kind of timbre murmuring small praises, mixes of Russian and English being quietly spoken into your ear, or a mix of them all, but your orgasm hits you like a freight train. Your eyes squeeze shut, teeth-baring down to the point you are certain you’ve ripped fabric as you muffle your scream as you shudder and clench around him, causing him to groan lowly in your ear.

“Careful now, dragotsennyy.” He nips at your earlobe teasingly. “You do not want to get caught in such a compromising position, da?” You shake your head, trying to force yourself to stay quiet, barely able to hold back your small mewls as he continues to press up against you, your overly sensitive body both begging for more and for it to stop.

Quickly, his rhythm becomes sloppy, his thrusts become harsher and his grip on your hips grows tighter as he grunts quietly. You can tell that he’s close, his hands guiding you to rock up against him, your hands moving to cup his face and move his face in order to kiss him, your teeth clacking as your faces mash together in a desperate attempt to silence him as he groans lowly into your mouth, returning the kiss just as heatedly and as desperately.

Just as the automatic voice comes up to inform you of the incoming station, Zhuk’s hips stutter to a stop as he groans, a little too loud for comfort but thankfully no one next door seemed to notice. You roll your hips against him as he spills inside of you. You can feel his smirk against your lips as you sigh happily as your hips move to a stop, him kissing you softly once. Twice. Three times before he moves to nuzzle against your neck.

As a selection of new passengers enter the carriage as the train stops at the next stop, the sight that greets them is nothing more than sweet. You, having swung back around to sit properly in Zhuk’s lap, his arms wrapped around your waist as he pulls you close, your face beet red as the taller man hides his cocky smirk into the back of your neck. What they can’t see is you squeezing thighs together tightly to keep his cum from sliding down your legs and into the back of your coat or, God/Satan forbid, into the seat of Zhuk’s pants. You turn to murmur closer to his ears in the hopes that no one will overhear.

“Can I have my panties back please?” You don’t like the sound of his amused chuckle that comes from the back of his throat.

“No.” Comes his simple response, his arms squeezing around you for just a second. “The next stop is ours.” He says calmly.

“Zhuk.”

“Moya zhena.” He replies, amusement still evident in his voice, hands moving to tap at your thighs as the train starts to slow.

You sigh, knowing that there was no point in fighting it. You discreetly attempt to tug your skirt down lower from over your now buttoned-up coat, Zhuk already having pulled it down just past your ass when he helped you reposition earlier before you carefully slide off of his lap and awkwardly make your way to the doors, his hand rubbing the base of the back as you continue to attempt to keep as much of his cum inside of you, whimpering when you feel it slowly start to slide down your thighs.

The moment you step outside, you forget anything about your previous missing of not leaving a trail of white behind you as you spin to glare at your husband. “Zhuk.”

He looks down at you innocently. “Yes, zaika?” He asks innocently.

To your surprise, when you exit the train, you are back at the station you boarded on. You are tempted to slap him, tell him off, ignore him completely. Instead - “When can I have my panties back, you asshole?”

He smiles charmingly down at you, leaning down to kiss your lips chastely, a stark comparison as to what just occurred. “When we are back in our room.” He dismisses, his hand resting at the base of your back as he guides you towards the exit.

He’s lucky that you love him.

Translations:

In order of appearance:

Watch out, little rose. We do not want you to destroy such a beautiful work of art, right? That's my job.

[thepeoplebehindsustainability]

Piet Colruyt, impact investor - June 2019

“I believe the biggest problem today is our mindset: we still accept people being selfish or companies destroying nature or presidents denying climate change, on the excuse of being the natural condition of humans: we still accept people will always go for the short term benefit for their own just because “it is natural”.”

“I see myself as a social investor, which means that I want to invest in people, organisations, companies with solutions to the big societal challenges we are facing: it can be on climate change, social cohesion, inclusion, integration, poverty,… My focus is on inspiring innovations in impact investing. Which means (1) it will always be “investing” (which can be time, energy, people, money, for profit or not-for-profit) (2) where the first goal is to have positive societal impact (it can be social or environmental).  (3) Innovations mean that I will not invest in existing solutions where enough money is already going to. If other people already invest in such things, I can spend my capital on other solutions.  (4) And last but not least: it must be inspiring.  If accountants give a certificate that the impact is great and the financial returns are ok, but it is too boring to be inspirational, I will not invest, because my ultimate goal is to change how people look at investing. Therefor it must be also fun & inspiring. People should want to change their investment strategies into impact investing not only because they have to, but because they want to.

Sustainability in my sector, the impact investing space, means a combination of positive societal impact and a fair financial return. It should be noticed that the financial return is not always for the investor: sometimes a project can have huge financial returns for the common good. These can also become sustainable if the system (the government, the foundations) provide funding because they see the return is bigger than the cost. Sustainability also means agility to react properly if the situation changes.

Coming from a family business (Colruyt, founded by my grandfather, is today in the top 3 of Belgian foodretailers) long term sustainability is in our DNA. When my grandfather started to sell coffee, wine, chocolate in the bakery of his father in 1928, he wanted to become rich (the first P of the 3P model is Profit): he had 9 children to feed and wanted a big house and a big car. The second generation added the people aspect: a company can only grow if the people grow. My uncle decided to spent 5% of the turnover in time and money in trainings. Since 1991, the third generation launched the Greenline program (the third P of the 3P’s, Planet) : as foodretailers we also have to take care about the planet to leave this in better conditions for our children. I became architect of the supermarkets in 2000 and became board member in 2001 and it was only than that we decided to diversify: we started investing in venture capital, funds and equity besides our main investment Colruyt Group. 10 years later I decided to become full time investor, after I discovered Ashoka and the world of social entrepreneurship and impact investing. We had long debates about the vision, mission, values and strategy of the family holding and I discovered the difference between social first or finance first impact investing. Although both are impact investors who want to combine doing good & doing well, the difference is in their theory of change. Finance first impact investors believe you can have the most impact if you reach market conform returns: in that case, you will find new investors, you can grow the company and the impact. Social first impact investors believe we should change our capitalistic system: if we don’t accept lower returns or higher risks, we are not able to find the new innovations needed to solve all societal challenges. To maximize the impact, they believe investors should lower their financial return expectations or increase their risk appetite.  In 2010 I decided to do both: the family holding and the Colruyt Group are more finance first, but Impact Capital, my own holding, is able to promote and invest in “social first” impact investing. In 2012 I co-founded SI² Fund which was the first private social impact first fund in Belgium and merged with Shaerpa Fund in 2015 to become one of the leading social impact funds in the Benelux. SI² Fund can only survive if it is embedded in a broader ecosystem, where the right funding, coaching and network is provided at the different stages of a companies life. Therefore I started also investing in a foundation, a seed capital fund, an accelerator, a crowdfunding platform… all focused on impact. The Impact House, founded in 2018 is the materialization of this ecosystem view.

It seems that many people want change but no one wants to change. In strategy discussions on what will work best, for example, to tackle climate change, we always see the two positions: some people are convinced that awareness of the scientific facts and predictions of the consequences will people help to change habits. Other strategists are convinced that the only thing that works, is if there is a “what’s in it for me” and you’d better not talk about responsibility or negative consequences, but only positive nudging will change the mindset. Some people, arguing for the green economy, explain that we all should reduce our comfort levels and live differently, take public transport, eat less meat, pay more for fair trade, organic, local,... Others, arguing for the blue economy, are convinced that the green mantra will only convince the 10 to 15% of the people already converted, but if you want to reach the other 85%, sustainability must simply be the easiest or cheapest alternative. That’s why I am convinced that the role of the government is crucial: it is up to politics to change the rules, to raise taxes or give subsidies to steer consumption in a more sustainable, circular way. We need both sides: the green preachers who want us to change habits & the blue optimists who believe technology will finally solve most issues with no loose of comfort. I wanted to make this parallel with green or blue economy because the same discussion is going on in the impact investing space: some people strongly believe there is no trade-off between financial and social return. They look for companies with market conform returns and believe that’s the only way to grow. Others believe we should accept lower financial returns or higher risks, to discover the innovations and help them to grow before they are mature and eventually reach market conformity. We need both sides of the spectrum and that’s what I try to support since 10 years. In my opinion it is all about changing the mindset of investing, which is in essence about changing the human condition: can we be more empathic and more altruist for the common good even when in the short term it is less attractive for the person him/herself ? I strongly believe we are evolving on our planet towards a situation with polluted air, oceans full of plastic, global warming, where it is in our own personal interest to do more for the common good. We have to change mindsets and this takes time. The time we don’t have in case of the climate challenge.

I believe the biggest problem today is our mindset: we still accept people being selfish or companies destroying nature or presidents denying climate change, on the excuse of being the natural condition of humans: we still accept people will always go for the short term benefit for their own just because “it is natural”. But what is natural ? What is the nature of humans ? I dream of a world where every human being strives for the common good and no one is accepting egoism. We are the only species on earth able to fly to the moon, to use our brains and collaborate to invent treatments for diseases, to write and perform art works,… let’s become the only species in the world able to at least save the planet. Humans are the only animal species who can read and write, who can watch movies and understand literature. We are the only animal who can scientifically proof there is a climate crisis which will affect us all. We are the only species who can become angry or sad, just by reading letters in a newspaper about something terribly going wrong in the Amazone Forest. We cannot do nothing and pretend we didn’t know. We cannot keep quiet and continue our business as usual. This shift in the mindset is needed and I see my role in promoting it in the field of investing: by showing good examples of innovative social entrepreneurs who succeed in tackling a problem in a sustainable, healthy, inspiring way. Changing mindsets is a gentle evolution but the examples are often system changing or disruptive. We need both disruptions and gentle evolution, united around one common goal: positive impact for all.

In our book (“Allemaal Sociaal 3.0”) we described the interaction between exact these 3 major players. Social organisations and everyday citizens must become more entrepreneurial: everyone can become a changemaker. Corporates and companies should become more social. And we need a stronger policy level, not to solve everything on their own but to draft the boundaries, set the conditions, embody the rules with a long term vision and for the common good. Today we are in a crisis: politics seem not to work with more extremism, polarization, Brexit, populism… Governments complain, corporates complain and citizens complain. Every player in his/her corner, shooting on the others. While the only solution consists in more collaboration between those major players. And therefore we believe social entrepreneurs and inclusive businesses are best placed to show these new alliances.

I’m convinced we need to re-think the way our democracy is organized. Elections every 4 year and referenda with a simple yes/no question are not the best way to take the decisions for the long term in the common intrest. I would like to see a government of national unity where every party is represented and politicians are forced to find compromises without spindoctors, tweets or polls polarizing our society. If people see the positive effects and personal benefits of being more social and altruist, mindset will change.

Never give up when you see injustice: everyone can be a changemaker. As a consumer, you can inform yourself to vote everyday with your wallet. Choose those products and services who are better for planet & people. But inform yourself, be critical, because marketeers are smart and there is a lot of greenwashing, social washing, window dressing. And don’t be afraid to change your mind. Share what you have learnt to help people to make conscious consumption choices. And ask your bank for ethical investment products. Ask your bank about their fossil fuels policy. Choose a green energy provider. Eat less meat. But don’t blame others, but help them to change their minds. Optimism is a moral duty.

For me the urgency and dimensions of the climate crisis, explained in the alarming IPCC reports, was so obvious, that we simply cannot deny it anymore. It is about people, about ourselves, our children. Of course also about animals & nature. But the global warming above 2°C is not a problem for the planet itself. The globe will keep on turning, animals will adapt like they always did: some will die, others will come. The effects of global warming will be most extreme for the poorest people in the south, the ones who don’t have any responsibility in the current carbon levels, which were caused mainly by the Western countries. Those people in the South will migrate and look for better conditions. The current refugee numbers will only go up. It is not only our responsibility but also in our own intrest to tackle climate change. The costs of doing nothing are much higher than the investments needed to keep the warming below 2°C. We should act massively NOW: consumers, investors, companies, politicians,… Wake up !”

[bulbpix]

If You Just Listened - Part 13

Public transportation in Gotham wasn't the best. After witnessing fights, drug deals, and countless other events on the buses and trains, you eventually came to the decision that walking was best. But today was an exception.

Once you'd dried your laundry and finished talking to Arthur last night, you carried your clothes to your apartment and settled in. Shortly after heading to bed, you suddenly heard what sounded like yelling and banging from the apartment under you... Arthur's apartment.

It didn't sound too serious, probably just a dispute between mother and son. Still, you felt bad. Arthur just had a very big day, his comedic debut. It shouldn't have ended with a fight. But, there was nothing you could do. You tucked yourself in, and waited for the yelling to die down.

This morning, Arthur told you he needed to do something important. Something very important. You assumed it had something to do with the fight last night. You were undeniably curious, but didn't want to press too much. It seemed like a personal issue.

"Can you come to the train station with me?" he asked. "I know it's a pain in the ass, but..."

You shook your head. "Arthur, we're friends. If you need me, I'm there." You crossed your arms, smiling at him. He smiled a bit, but you could tell he wasn't in his usual cheery demeanor today. "So where is this train station?"

Arthur scratched the back of his head. "That's the annoying part. It's in Elmont."

Of course it's in fucking Elmont.

You stopped yourself from groaning. Elmont was a neighborhood so far uptown from the city that there was no way you two could walk. You'd have to take the bus, which you did NOT want to do. At all. And it wouldn't be a short ride either - it would be an hour there and back, at the very least (And that's without traffic!). You dreaded the public transportation of Gotham. Arthur couldn't have asked you to go to a train station in downtown Gotham. Nooo, it's gotta be Elmont!

"Pfft, Elmont? Don't even worry about it. Let me just get myself together and I'll see you in the lobby, yeah?"

Arthur nodded, and began his way downstairs.

You shut the door behind you, grumbling as you went about your apartment. "Fucking Elmont."

And now here you were, on a crowded bus that smelled like an armpit. Luckily, you and Arthur were able to find seats. You tried to strike a conversation with him a few times, but it didn't seem like he was in the mood to talk today.

You furrowed your eyebrows. This behavior was weird, even for Arthur. Whatever happened last night must have really been serious. Although you weren't enjoying this trip in any sense, you truly wanted to be there for him. You sighed, staring at his knee. You wanted things to be better. For both of you.

Halfway through the ride, you felt your eyelids begin to grow heavy. You turned to Arthur. He seemed to be zoned-out, staring through the window. Still not in the mood to talk.

You yawned, deciding that if you were going to nap, this would be your chance. You adjusted your arms, sinking down into your jacket, falling into a surprisingly easy sleep...

"Excuse me?" "Mm...?

You slowly opened your eyes, looking towards the source of the voice. An older woman was leaning towards you from the seat across yours. You rubbed your eyes, trying to adjust them. You couldn't exactly remember what you were doing on this bus upon waking up.

"The last stop is coming up. Just wanted to let you and your friend know." She smiled, and turned back ahead.

My friend...? Oh. Right.

You felt a heaviness on your shoulder. You turned to see what it was, your face immediately being buried in a bunch of brown hair.

Arthur had fallen asleep on your shoulder.

You turned your head forward, wondering how he ended up there. He probably fell asleep sitting up, the rocking of the bus eventually knocking him to the side. Imagining it made you chuckle.

I wonder what his hair smells like...

Wait, what?

That was a weird thought. Why would you care how his hair smelled? What were you, some kind of creep? Who even thinks of that? You were just tired. This bus ride was long, and boring. Yeah, that was it. Your brain was probably just looking for a way to entertain itself. Stimulating the senses, or something. Yeah.

You peeked over at him. Still sound asleep.

It would be harmless, Arthur wouldn't even notice. Was it a crime to want to smell something? What, like using your nose was illegal? What harm could it do?

You slowly turned your head towards his, hesitating.

Arthur wouldn't care right?

Or would he?

This was weird...

Ah, you were just overthinking it.

Slowly, you sunk the tip of your nose into his chestnut locks. You closed your eyes, gently burrowing into his hair as you inhaled. He smelled smoky, yet sweet. Like a combination of cigarettes and honeysuckle. Where did the honeysuckle come from? Maybe it was his shampoo. You dug your nose deeper, nearly touching his scalp. He smelled earthy, and natural. Like he showered recently, but not too recently. If you could describe his scent, the only word that came to mind would be... comfortable. What a friend was supposed to smell like. Friend-scented? You smiled.  

Arthur rustled, slowly picking his head up and nicking your nose.

Your face shot forward, your eyes shooting open. You folded your hands together tightly.

He adjusted his shoulders, his eyes still squinting from tiredness. He touched the top of his head, shifting his gaze towards you.

"Were you... sniffing me?" Crap. "What?" "What were you doing just now?" "I literally have no idea what you're even saying."

You buried yourself further into your jacket and scarf, your face now beet-red. He was asleep, you were so sure he was asleep. Was he awake the entire time? Did he just wake up? You prayed to God it was the latter.

"I could've sworn I felt you-" "Arthur, can you just focus, please? Look, we're already at the stop."

Arthur blinked a few times, clearly puzzled by the entire situation. He looked ahead, and sure enough, you had reached your destination.

The bus came to a slow, creaking halt at the station. The driver looked behind his seat, shouting, "Last stop! Everybody out!"

You and Arthur got up, stretching from the long ride. You stepped outside, walking him towards the station entrance. As you reached one of its glass doors, he took a deep breath and turned to you.

"I just want to say something," he sighed.

"Is this about the smelling thing? 'Cause I swear it wasn't what you think it was. I was looking out the window and your head was right there and I just needed to breathe like any human does so I inhaled through my nose but your hair was also in the way so it LOOKED like I was smelling your hair but I wasn't I was just turning my head and your head was also there and I was breathing but while my nose was-"

Arthur held his hand up, stopping your ramble.

"I believe you, I just wanted to say thanks for coming," he said flatly.

His calm attitude only served to make you all the more embarrassed. Shouldn't this be the other way around? Usually he was the flustered one.

"I have to get on my train now," he continued. "I'll see you tonight?"

You nodded. "Yeah, just stop by if you need me, why not."  

Arthur gave a low-spirited smile, turning towards the entrance.

Before he could take a step, you grabbed him by his arm and yanked him into a tight hug. He tensed up, unsure of what to do.

You were hugging him. This wasn't his imagination.

This was... real.

Cautiously, he wrapped his arms around you.

"I don't know what's going on, but I can tell it's a lot. I'm here for you, bud. Whenever you need me." You squeezed him tighter.

Arthur was speechless. Never in his most fantastical dreams would he have imagined to have a friend like you. He felt... undeserving. He hadn't done anything to earn you as a companion. Why were you here? He shut his eyes tightly, feeling his body begin to shudder with grateful, yet sad laughter. He pulled you closer to him, unbelievably thankful to have you here in this moment.

You patted his back, used to his laughter by now. You sighed, hoping whatever he was dealing with would be over soon.

After a few minutes, Arthur began to calm down. He stood up straight, sniffling a bit and grinning at you.

"Thanks." "Don't mention it."

Arthur walked towards the train station entrance, pulling open a glass door. He stopped there, turning to you.

"Also, I was awake the whole time," he added, an amused smile on his face. "You're weird."

And with that, he disappeared into the station.

Your expression sunk, your face immediately going pale. You yanked your winter cap further down on to your head, wanting to bury yourself inside it as you ran towards a departing bus.

Did Arthur just call me weird? Arthur, of all people? I hate my life.

A/N - Looks like Y/N can be just as creepy. anyways - IM BAAAAAACCCCCKKK, AND FINALS ARE OVER!! GET READY FOR BACK TO BACK FICS GUYS - and sorry for the wait ehehehe....

@geronimosanna @theworldthroughmynikon @niniita-ah  @captainohgod @memory-mortis @handsomeguyslover @bitterspectrum @sosearchingromeo @aesikupills @mardema @ajokeformur-ray

(i hope i got this tagging thing right? im still new to this lol)

[terrablaze514]

So schools reopen in about 2 - 3 weeks from today. Excuse my math... I'm just worried about commute. Trying to figure out how to get to work safely without catching the virus on my clothes. Yes, I will wear a mask and a face shield. Disinfect and hand sanitize regularly... My biggest issue, however, is the "what if?" For students who might be returning to school at their parents' discretion, or when I get to see my bosses and colleagues. I want all of us and our communities to be safe from Covid-19 at all costs.

The real problem, in addition to our selfish government, is commuting to and from work. I'm immunocompromised along with family members, but I gotta find a way to survive this new chapter like a videogame. Remember Super Mario Bros, and Sonic the Hedgehog? Most utilities, rent, and other bills will not be managed without money rolling in regularly... Most grown folks already knows how ratchet billing companies can be, even during a pandemic. A recent hailstorm caused some families to struggle with gaining any support from the government, because they refuse to help with the repairs. You see, here in Canada, our PM messed up with additional scandals and cancelled income supports rather early (after getting caught), while many taxpayers had to make big sacrifices and focus on sustainable living, due to limited or lack of employment during lockdown (except first responders and essential workers), who helped keep our cities and towns functional.

And of course, the individuals who party or gather irresponsibly without considering the consequences of endangering everyone else. This includes those who crossed from the American side of the border for sightseeing or vacations... Now British Columbia is back at square one versus Covid-19. The same consequence rests on the entire country as many will no doubt return to work under safety guidelines. Schools are amongst them, and unlike my school, some schools don't have a solid, sensible reopening plan in place. I've been watching the News.

My current province is now in the top 3 of infections since yesterday. That's the icing on the cake. Here's the real issue that I'm anticipating:

My city discourages social distancing via public transport. So if, for any reason, I'm unable to keep myself safe while commuting back and forth, due to rule breakers, or individuals who don't care about personal hygiene and etiquette in public, then Uber and taxi will be my next permanent bet. It won't be easy, but I don't have much of a choice. I've been riding on transit for years and I can guarantee you, for every commute, there's always 1 - 2 people who don't care about safety while riding with fellow passengers. They will sneeze on anyone... cough on anyone... spit or smoke on a bus or train if they're that defiant. Truthfully, nobody wants to catch this virus. I've already lost two people from my previous church community to Covid-19, and there's many more who've lost their loved ones from this virus. Therefore, everyone has the right to remain safe while getting to their respective employers on time. I have an entire school community to protect when I head out and head back. I gotta protect my family as well. If Calgary Transit refuses to recognize that, they need to be held accountable.

I feel for the many middle and high school students that normally travel to school this way. What about their safety too, especially during rush hour? Yes, I do empathize with their parents, teachers, faculty and peers in this regard. Something needs to change, or else the infection will spread faster and that will be devastating. A major devastation if schools and businesses should shutdown again, due to negligence from the mayor (who's gotten rather quiet lately, which I find very strange) and public transportation.

I'm just being a realist. We are still living in a pandemic. By now, we understand how it works. The only way to manage it is to abide by safety guidelines and be vigilant. On a final note, if your gut tells you not to trust a lie or two that your government tells you, use your brain. Don't forget what many of us have learned about viruses and pandemics when we were growing up. And for those who pursued Science in higher studies, be honest. No more lies. We're all in this together. At least I hope we are.

And please, Canada, no federal elections right now. Listen to the parents, teachers, school boards/districts, other school staff, daycares and out-of-school care facilities, and countless students, who have expressed their questions and concerns about returning to learning since May. Not everywhere is ready to reopen. Thanks for attending my TEDTalk.

[thenoammonster]

“A Fresh Start” Part II

BACK WITH ANOTHER CHAPTER! This one has actually been mostly done for a while, but I didn’t want to cut it off at the knees and life got busy before I could finish it. I’m hoping I’ll be able to start updating more regularly now that I have a little more spare time.

Part I

Part II

Kagome awoke to the sunlight streaming in across her face from the living room windows. Groaning, she shifted around a bit, trying to get comfortable again, but it was too bright in the apartment for her to have any hope of getting back to sleep. Finally admitting defeat, she gingerly sat up, realizing how sweaty she had become through the night. Her t-shirt clung to her like a second skin, and a hesitant sniff to her armpit revealed she was in desperate need of a shower. A quick check to her phone revealed that it was still well before 9am. She was appalled to note how hot the apartment had already become this early in the day. 

‘Damn east facing windows,’ she noted, dragged herself off the couch and lumbering over to the pile of boxes she’d left by the bathroom door the night before. She snatched the little toiletry bag she had prepared off the top box before forcing a hand between the taped up flaps of cardboard, trying to pry the box open without having to bother with digging up her pocket knife. After a few minutes of fumbling and wriggling, she successfully yanked her hand free of the box with a fluffy yellow towel gripped in her fist. “Success!” Grinning lightly, she spun into the bathroom, humming to herself as she got into the shower and began getting ready for the day. 

It was Saturday so the clinic wouldn’t be open. She and Sango had a plan to meet downstairs at 10:30 so she could familiarize herself with the space and start learning how it was run. The clinic was already staffed by Sango, Kaede, and two others to run the office who Kagome had yet to meet. 

Sango was a physical therapist and certified nurse. She and Kagome had met when she was in medical school and Sango was doing her nursing training. The two had been very close for years, even through Sango’s meeting and eventual marriage to Miroku, and Kagome’s residency at a big hospital back in the city. 

After Kagome had officially finished her training and received her medical license a month ago, she was thrilled to learn that the little clinic where Sango worked had an opening. Sango had been at the Shikon Clinic since a few months into their marriage, she and her husband decided to move back to his home town a few hours from the city so he could inherit his Uncle Mushin’s old bar. Kagome had instantly fallen in love with the quiet neighborhood and adorable work space when she had first visited Sango after the initial move two years ago. 

When the opening came up she jumped at the chance of getting out of the noisy, crowded city she had inhabited for her entire life in favor of a more peaceful existence. Choosing to become a doctor had always been about helping people for her, but her residency had changed her definition of the job. Working in the city was all short visits with too many patients for too many hours a day. She always felt stressed and exhausted at the end of her days, like she hadn’t had the time necessary with her patients to really make an impact. Working in a small town meant she would get the chance to really know her patients, to make sure she could spend the time necessary to give them the best care she could. It was an ideal setup, since thanks to public transport she was still only a two hour train ride away from her family.

By the time she was ready to meet up with Sango, Kagome was practically buzzing with excitement. She couldn’t wait to start working as part of her very own practice. When her phone vibrated with a message announcing Sango’s arrival, Kagome burst from her front door, nearly bowling over Kaede as she was watering the plants beside her front door. She waved cheerily at the older woman, grinning widely, “Good morning, Kaede!”

“That it is, child. I hope you were comfortable enough in there last night.”

Kagome waved her hand idly to dismiss the other doctor’s concerns, “Oh it was just fine. The rest of my stuff should be delivered sometime today anyway, then I’ll be all set, I think. If not, I’ll just pick up some stuff at one of the great antique shops around here.”

“Oh good, good. Let me know if you do need any furniture, the boy from –” Their conversation was interrupted by a shout from down below.”

“Get a move on Kagome! Your coffee is getting cold!”

With a quick apology goodbye to Kaede, Kagome ambled down the stairs of her porch to meet Sango in the gravel lot behind the clinic. She grinned at the sight of her friend, leaning against the hood of her sedan with two to-go cups and a little brown bag clutched in her hands.

“Hiya girly! How’s your morning going?” Kagome asked, reaching to take the cup Sango offered. “Yes, coffee! Thank you!” Inhaling the warm, bitter scent, Kagome quirked a brow at her friend, “What, no treats for dear Doctor Tenaka?” 

“Kaede hasn’t touched coffee since last century,” Sango replied, waving up at the older woman in question before Kaede disappeared back into her flat.  “You’re chipper this morning. Glad to see sleeping on the couch didn’t stop you from resting up last night!” She pushed the paper bag at Kagome as well, “Here, it’s a muffin from Jinenji’s, you remember the little cafe I took you to last time you visited?”

“Ooh, the one run by the big guy who grows fruit and makes his own jam? Score!” 

As Kagome tore into her breakfast, moaning appreciatively at the still warm and scrumptious snack,  she and Sango proceeded into the clinic from the back entrance. They walked down a narrow hall, one of the two that ran through the building, until it met with the waiting room at the front. Pausing at the door that led to the little atrium and the very front door of the clinic, Sango began her tour, taking Kagome through the building in much greater detail than she had during her friend’s previous visits. She showed her the little office to the right of the front door, where the clinic’s two assistants did their administrative work, the larger exercise room where physical therapy patients did their exercises, and beyond that into the little office that they would be sharing. She demonstrated how to use the practice’s digital filing system, explained the intricacies of their medical supply storage and the quirks of some of the older exam equipment. 

Kagome eagerly took it all in, laughing as Sango explained how to get the older-than-god copier to work and which of their assisting staff made the best cup of coffee. All the while she took diligent notes in a tiny green journal she’d shoved in her pocket before leaving the apartment. She wanted to make sure she knew everything she needed to come Monday, so she wouldn’t have to constantly ask Kaede and Sango for guidance and slow things down. She could hardly wait to start seeing patients. By the time Sango was finished going over the entire practice from top to bottom, golden late afternoon sunlight was filtering through every window in the front of the building. 

“So, do you think you can remember all that?” Sango asked as the two women wandered out of the tiny staff kitchen towards the back exit. “We don’t typically get busy until mid-afternoon. That’s when a lot of patients are able to get off work to come in, so you’ll have most of the morning to get your bearings.”

“Oh sure. I’ve constantly had to change around my focus during residency rotations the last few years, I’m used to having to adjust to new working environments quickly. I think I’ll be alright.” Kagome assured her, preceding her friend out the door so she could lock up. 

“Good, good,” Sango muttered as she secured the door. “Oh, that reminds me. I need to get a set of keys made for you! Meant to do it last week, damn pregnancy brain has me all over the place!”

“Speaking of, I can’t believe you managed to lecture me for almost 4 hours with pausing for a snack break. Want to go grab something to eat at the diner or something?

“Ooh, better idea! Let’s go see if Kaede has any goodies upstairs,” Sango suggested, already heading back towards the stairs to get up to the second level of the building. “I spend most of my lunch breaks with her now, and she always has something special hidden in that kitchen of hers.”

As Sango predicted, Kaede was only too happy to welcome the girls into her cramped, but homey little apartment, ushering them into the kitchen nook to sit at a window seat while she fussed about, making herbal tea, and setting out a little tray of sandwiches she had handy, as if expecting them. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was well past noon when a pair of bleary, deep gray eyes opened to stare accusingly at the loudly beeping device screaming from the nightstand. A big hand darted over to the cellphone to silence the infernal sound, but only managed to knock the stupid thing to the floor. Growling in frustration, Inuyasha flopped his lower half over the side of the bed, patting around in search of the still blaring device. Just as his fingers found its cold surface, the disgruntled mass on the bed lost his battle with gravity, toppling to the ground himself. 

“God fucking dammit,” he roared, then immediately regretted the volume of his outburst when his head pounded violently in protest. Gliding his thumb over the screen to end the racket coming from his phone, Inuyasha pressed it to his ear, snarling into the receiver, “What?”

“Watch that tone with me, young man,” a familiar brittle voice replied, “I’m calling to confirm our plans for tomorrow.”

Inuyasha heaved himself into a sitting position on the floor, leaning heavily against the bed frame at his back while he racked his addled brain to remember what the old bat was talking about. His prolonged silence pulled a sigh from the old woman on the line.

“The painting, Inuyasha. We agreed tomorrow you would come to paint my kitchen. Remember?”

“Right! Right, sorry Kaede. Must have slipped my mind,” a yawn split his mouth as he answered her.

“Boy, I better have not woken you up by calling. It is after 3 in the afternoon!” Her admonishing tone had him rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. He could hear her outrage being echoed in the background. “Inuyasha, you bum! Come on!” he could hear Sango yelling.

“Uh no, no. I was just… napping. Needed a break.” That seemed to appease Kaede, as she wished him a good rest of his day, and they made a plan to meet at her place at 9am sharp tomorrow morning. 

Once they had hung up, Inuyasha heaved a big sigh, taking in the state of his bedroom. The place was a mess, his clothing from last night left forgotten on the floor, his pants caught in the door jam. The usually neat dresser had all of its drawers thrown open, the contents on the floor, and there were a few photo albums tossed here and there, one with a stark white cover laying open amongst his bedding. There were two bottles of whiskey lying forgotten by his bed, one completely drained of the amber liquid, and the other open and half gone. The sight made him wince. It had been almost a year since he last lost it like this. He’d finally broken his good streak. Smacking his lips against the stale flavor left in his mouth from his little bender, Inuyasha rose to his feet, snatching the two liquor bottles up as he went. He froze as they clinked together obnoxiously, frowning, and then proceeded out of his room and down the hall into the kitchen. 

First he carefully set the empty bottle into the recycling, then he stretched up high to place the other above the cabinets and well out of easy reach. Next he pulled open the cabinet by the fridge, rummaging around until he produced a bottle of tylenol and quickly dry swallowed two red pills before filling a glass of water at the sink to wash away the bitter taste. He leaned back against the counter next to the sink, refilling his glass and downing its contents twice more before sagging a bit in relief. That ought to help with the headache at least.

Looking around his little kitchen, Inuyasha was relieved to find that it and the living room beyond, visible through the open space between the island and overhanging cabinets, had been spared his bender. It was still as it had been when he’d first arrived home last night, a few dishes in the sink in need of washing but otherwise fairly clean. One less thing from him to worry about setting to rights. Wiping a hand down his face, he debated between tackling the mess he’d left in his bedroom, or having a shower first. ‘Might as well get the place clean before I clean up myself.’ 

He pushed off the counter, filled his glass one more time and proceeded back into the bedroom to start putting things away. He started by stuffing all the clothing back into his drawers, sniffing them as he went to avoid mixing his dirty laundry with his yet unworn stuff. As he went around the room, heaving furniture upright, replacing items strewn across the floor to their hiding places, he berated himself, so ashamed that he had ended up back here again. Admittedly it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it had been over three years. What could have caused him to lose it like this after so long? 

Brown eyes in a face so foreign yet familiar flashed before his mind, turning his fingers slack around the book he’d just picked up. Her. Kagome. Sango’s friend who’d just moved in from the city. Could she possibly be the source of his turmoil?

Sure there was a resemblance, one strong enough to momentarily reduce him to a terrified, stuttering moron when he’d first leaned down to knock on her car window when he’d found her last night. But they were still different people. He knew that, even having only spent a few minutes. The similarities were more like seeing two vastly different images superimposed over one another than genuinely mirroring. She was shorter, softer, her hair wavy where another’s had been straight, her eyes light where another’s had been onyx pools. 

He turned over a picture frame resting face down on the floor, the glass long destroyed during one of his past episodes. His thumb came up to caress the sweet face staring out of he photo within, swallowing past the pained lump the image produced in his throat.  ‘I need to get a grip. This can’t keep happening. I-I have to let you go, Kikyo.’ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After hanging up the phone, Kaede turned back to the two young women seated in her breakfast nook, merrily munching on the sandwiches she had prepared in anticipation of Sango’s midafternoon cravings. 

“So, Inuyasah is helping you redo the kitchen Kaede?” Sango asked, as she came to sit across from them at the table, picking up her abandoned cup of tea. 

“Just adding a new coat of paint to the walls and cabinets. I think the place could use a little sprucing up, don’t you?” Kaede confirmed, taking a sip of tea and reaching for the bowl of candied orange peels resting beside her well-loved teapot. 

“That’s so nice of him. What colors are you thinking about going with?” Kagome interjected. She was intrigued to learn that the beautiful, taciturn man from yesterday seemed to have a soft spot for the old doctor. 

“Yes, Inuyasha is a sweet boy. Rough around the edges, but sweet. I’m honestly not sure what to do. I painted the cabinets this blue a few years ago on a whim, and as you can see I didn’t do the best job,” Kaede replied, gesturing to a few spots where the paint was too thin and the old wood varnish was visible beneath. “I didn’t even bother to sand them first. Inuyasha was not pleased. He says he’ll have to take all the cabinet faces off to sand them down and paint properly.”

“Wow, that’s a big job for one person! Are you sure you guys won’t need any help?” Kagome asked, “I’m pretty handy and right next door! I really wouldn’t mind helping out tomorrow. I need to be around anyway, for the movers. They’re supposed to be coming between 1 and 5 tomorrow. This will give me something to do besides waiting around!”

“Well, if you’re sure dear…” Kaede was a touch hesitant about the idea. She wasn’t certain Inuyasha would be receptive to Kagome’s involvement in their little project. The eager look on the girl’s face, along with Sango’s expectant expression, made her finally relent. “Alright. Inuyasha and I are leaving for the paint store at –”

“9am sharp! So I heard,” Kagome interjected with a grin.

“Wait, Kagome. I thought your stuff was supposed to be coming today,” Sango asked, swiping another fish salad sandwich off the plate. They’d been her favorite pregnancy snack since she’d first hunted the smell down in Kaede’s office a month ago. The good natured old woman had been making them for her almost daily since.

“Yeah, so did I,” Kagome shrugged. “There was some issue with an earlier delivery. They called like an hour ago and said they had to delay. It’s no biggy.” 

“Flakey moving bastards,” Sango groused, slamming her tea down a little too hard, splashing the table in amber liquid.

“Down girl!” Kagome laughed, sopping up the mess with her napkin. “I don’t mind. Really!”

“Ooh, Sorry Kaede. Same old Kagome. You’re such a softy.” Sango grabbed her phone to wipe it off as well, startled when the screen illuminated to show the time. “Ooh, crap. Kagome! It’s almost 4. I have to get going. I have some errands I still need to run before dinner. Wanna come with?”

“Sure, but I don’t want to stick Kaede with the clean up,” Kagome said, downing the rest of her tea but hesitating to rise from the table as she eyed the mess their lunch had made of Kaede’s little kitchen.

“No trouble, my child. Go with Sango, I can take care of it,” Kaede replied, smiling as Sango struggled to get out of the dining nook with her massive baby belly. 

“Are you sure?” Kagome asked, slowly beginning to stand, her hands hovering around the tabletop covered in plates and tea cups. Kaede waved her off, shooing her towards the door.

“Kaede, would you like to come have dinner with us tonight? We’re meeting Miroku later,” Sango asked, finally pulling free of the cramped sitting area. 

“Thank you dear, but not tonight. I think I’d like to relax here. Read, feed my cats,” Kaede declined, taking the dirty dishes to the sink herself. 

“Alrighty then. Well, I’m sure I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a good evening, Kaede!” Sango said, pulling the door open.

“Bye! And thanks again for lunch!” Kagome called over her shoulder, hurrying to help Sango down the deck stairs. Kaede smiled quietly at the girls’ exuberance, watching their slow descent from the threshold. ‘Maybe spending some time around such a bright soul will be good for Inuyasha.’ Breaking from her musings, she turned back to setting her kitchen to rights, leaving her door open to let in the summer breeze.

As Kagome supported Sango on her way down to the car, since the latter woman couldn’t see much of her feet around her baby bump, she asked, “Wait, Kaede has cats? I didn’t see anyone around the apartment.”

“She feeds the local strays. They come flocking at sunset, especially at this time of year,” Sango puffed. She paused as they reached the bottom of the steps to stretch a little. “So,” she began, sliding a sly look Kagome’s way,  “You jumped at the chance to pal around with Inuyasha tomorrow.”

“What? I did not! I just wanted something to do, since I’ll be bored anyway!” she protested.

“Kagome, you and I both know how much unpacking you still need to do,” this had said girl blushing, “And I saw how you looked at him last night before he left! I get it, he’s cute!”

“Cute doesn’t begin to cover it,” Kagome sighed, “But that is NOT why I volunteered to help. It’s a nice thing he’s doing for Kaede and he really saved me last night. I want to return the favor!”

“And then some,” Sango teased back.

“You’ve been living with Miroku too long,” Kagome deadpanned, “And why haven’t I met Inuyasha before anyway. He clearly knows you, and Miroku AND Kaede! Where have you been hiding this hunk?”

That made Sango wince, because she knew Kagome was kind of right. It was a little ridiculous that even though her old roommate had visited almost a dozen times since she had moved to this town, Sango had never introduced her to Miroku’s best friend. She sighed, waddling over to her car and pulling open her car door, slipping in and waiting for Kagome to do the same. Her sudden shift in attitude had Kagome looking at her in bewilderment.

“The truth is, you’re right. You should have met Inuyasha before.  I’ve known him since the first time Miroku brought me here. He was actually supposed to be the best man in our wedding,” Sango confessed, fiddling with her keys before finally putting them in the ignition. 

This revelation confused Kagome even more, “Wait, he’s the best man that needed to be replaced last minute? Miroku’s childhood best friend?” Sango nodded.

“So what happened? All you ever said was something terrible happened and he needed to pull out. Then you moved and never brought him up again.”

“Yeah,” Sango agreed, “because it wasn’t my business to tell. Inuyasha, he’s been through a lot in the last few years. It’s not really for me to say. He wasn’t the most social person to begin with, but now… He doesn’t really see anyone. Just Miroku and Kaede and me.” Sango shook herself, finally getting the car into gear to head out of the gravel parking lot. Before she started to back up, she turned to back Kagome, a serious look on her face. “ Tomorrow, go easy. He’s not exactly an easy person to get to know.”

“O-Okay. I promise. No attempts to make plans for a slumber party and hair braiding,” Kagome teased, trying to lighten the somber mood. But Sango didn’t laugh, just proceeded to get the car moving. Kagome pulled on her seatbelt with a frown, feeling more puzzled than she had been at the start of this conversation. Sango spoke about Inuyasha like he was delicate, unstable even. But the person she’d met yesterday, though admitted quiet, had seemed normal enough. ‘Guess I’ll just have to see what happens tomorrow.’

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks it for Part II! I hope you guys like it! Feel free to let me know if anyone else would like to be tagged on updates.

@itzatakahashi

[vssoise]

A Long Overdue Diary Entry

So I’ve been in Baltimore three days now and I decided that today’s events were just noteworthy enough to warrant my sitting down to actually write this journal (diary?) entry that I’ve been promising will come for a long time now. I guess it also doesn’t hurt that being outside Dayton and being in a new place somehow makes me feel like I have more bandwidth and free time, despite nothing on my to do list actually being shorter/checked off purely due to the change in location. That’s part of what I was going to talk about though, haha. 

It’s a strange thing; as soon as I got to Baltimore, my schedule has felt a lot lighter. Things have felt much more easily addressable/categorizable, like there’s Dayton Driven stuff, there’s medical school stuff which is basically away rotation planning and rotation planning, and there’s doing well on this particular rotation at Hopkins. And then that’s it! Nothing else to really worry about or think about or plan around. So as a result, it leaves me with a lot of free time and evenings to just use however I want exploring the city, or reading my book, or just binge-ing yet another tv show (watch Atypical it’s the best). But what’s weird is that, even while I was in Dayton, I had only the same things to think about but somehow felt way more put-upon, and busy, and like I was being pulled in so many different directions. I wonder why.  I complained to Weanne earlier this week that my fellow rotators aren’t as social/curious about the city, and as a result that leaves with a lot of time to explore things for myself and make new friends. Maybe that’s a factor, that I don’t have social commitments? Maybe. Though if that were the differentiating facor, I’d rather have the social commitments over this free time, haha.  It does remind me of when I visited Lili at St Andrews though. I remember waking up early, around 7am, and we went and had breakfast with the rest of her flatmates at their dining hall, simple fare, just a coffee and a croissant, while they made small talk, and then we walked back across their idyllic campus to their apartment and I read while they prepared for their lecture coming up in a few hours. I even attended one of their Recitations, or TA sessions. I remember the whole thing felt very... secluded? Charmed? Like the university and life there was a bubble to itself. Nothing else really mattered, you were just free to focus on your studies, the things that interested you, and the friends you had and wanted to spend time with. It felt very peaceful, and I remember registering that so clearly because I remember it being something I very desperately wanted in my own life at that time.  Then I went back to Penn and somehow felt re-submerged in the chaos that was my state at the time. But I digress. My point being, I’ve been able to experience some semblance of that in these last couple days in Baltimore. It’s a new city, I don’t know anyone (or very many people, rather), I only have this course I’m here to do so the work is relatively straightforward. Maybe it feels like it’s a parenthesis from life generally. I’m not sure. But whatever it is, it’s interesting and nice to feel that sense of calm and peace again. It’s a pleasant, and welcome, surprise. 

Otherwise though, the rotation itself has been going well! It’s only been 3 days of course but I’m leaning hard into my WHO experience and trying to make the best of my very short time here. I went to a lecture today by a Hopkins professor who works in emergency humanitarian healthcare (who leaves for Iraq tomorrow after having just got back form Kabul the month before) and remember feeling stirrings of those same feelings I felt when I listened to people talk or present their work at the WHO; his excitement and his interest in his work, the direct impact his work had on the people he was trying to help; it was good to find that excitement being stirred up in me again, especially as the last year and interview season have given me few reasons to think about that kind of career as a near future possibility. This rotation I think, more than anything, potentially opens a door for me to pursue this career more immediately than I otherwise would be able to, if for no other reason than the people associated with the school, like this professor (Dr Gilbert Burnham). And even if not, even if it doesn’t translate directly into the Prev Med Residency position I want here, I’ll at least come away with having had a chance to experience that ephemeral peace that I talked about before, and to taste that WHO style inspiration again, that I haven’t felt from faculty since leaving the internship. 

As for the rest of my experience here, even though it’s only been 3 days now, it’s been very interesting! I’ve gone out of my way to try to learn more about the city and get comfortable in it, exploring its different neighborhoods and studying/working at its different cafes, and trying to visit a different area/bar during the evenings after work, while also trying to drag a fellow rotator along with me so I can get to know them better. I figured out the local public transport system after much painstaking googling, and even figured out how to use the scooter-share network in the city, which I’ll likely use much more often going forward, given that it’s so much cheaper than an uber. Today I was riding it back from the grocery store to the public health building to make it back in time for class and this old guy walking on the sidewalk stopped next to me as I was stopped on the street on the scooter waiting for the red light to let me go. He said hey brother, stay good, and then gave me two werther’s orginial caramels, saying I should take them in case I need some extra energy today. So I, of course, in flagrant disregard for everything my parents and teachers had taught me about accepting candy from a stranger, took and ate them during the class I got to on time.#noragrets

But more interesting, to me, has been my experience at my AirBnB. My host is a Rwandan doctor who works in public health and development (right?) and his friend who’s staying with him for a while, also from Rwanda, who speaks much better French than English. So I decided that since I was already capitalizing on the professional side of things with the host, I might as well capitalize on the other opportunity; so I asked his friend to only speak in french with me for the remainder of my stay.  And this evening we actually had an entire conversation, and I don’t mean one of those “conversations” out of a french textbook where it’s just pleasantries till one you decides that you do in fact know where the library is, I mean a legit conversation. We talked, in french, about my friend who came by this evening before we went out to dinner, about how french is a difficult language to hear pronounced, about how mandarin is a very unique language and I even taught him some mandarin (again, in french), about indian cooking; we talked about how we felt about these things too, not just about the subject matter generally. I recounted to him, in french, that when I was learning mandarin in college, french was similarly a relatively difficult language to me, so when the teacher asked me to say something in mandarin, I’d say half the sentence in french and half in mandarin coz my brain just merged the two languages coz hey they’re both equally foreign to me and he doubled over laughing. It felt great to be able to convey a story and a feeling in such a way/fluency that it actually elicited the response I was going for in another person.  Every time I’ve had a relationship with someone else in a language primarily not in english, it’s been with a relative. But this was the first time I think that I experienced a facet of a real friendship based entirely in a language that was completely foreign to me. It wasn’t my mother tongue, it wasn’t a language I had grown up with. But I was able to converse to a level where I could build the foundation of a real relationship, and not just that of a passerby conversation. Suffice to say that I’m back on the Duolingo, after my long sulk after losing my 71 day streak, hahaha. 

All in all, I’m looking forward to what I can make of this rotation. I’ve got the same worries, about Dayton Driven, the same anxieties about where I’ll get residency, the same nagging thoughts about potentially not making the best of this internship.  But I’m gonna try to enjoy this feeling of simple peace that I feel like I’ve been able to tap into after so long. And continue to polish my french. And keep trying to meet the right people and expose myself to the right classes and professors to keep broadening my view of what’s possible. 

I think when I get back to Dayton, even if it’s just for a short time before I’m off again for a lot longer, I’ll ideally be able to bring some of my lifestyle in Baltimore back with me. Maybe it’ll help infuse my regular life with some of this much needed simplicity, or perhaps clarity, rather, that this life seems to have. 

Or really, maybe it’ll just make me more susceptible to taking that snickers bar from the guy in the white van the next time he pulls up. It’s either way, really.

Till next time! I’ll write again soon, I half-promise : P

[dnjenkins]

Marginless Living

From  “Margin”  by Richard A, Swenson,M.D.- marginless living 

    “That our age might be described as painful comes as a discomforting surprise when we consider the many advantages we have over previous generations. Progress has given us  unprecedented affluence, education, technology, and entertainment. We have comforts and conveniences other eras could only dream about. Yet somehow, we are not flourishing, under the  gifts of modernity as one would expect. 

   Why do so many of us feel like air-traffic controllers out of control? How can the salesman feel so stressed when the car is loaded with extras, the paycheck is bigger than ever, and vacation lasts four weeks a year? How is it possible that the homemaker is still tired despite the help of the washing machine, clothes dryer, dishwasher, garbage disposal, and vacuum cleaner? If we are so prosperous, why are  the therapists offices so full? If we have ten   times more material abundance than our ancestors, why are we not ten  times more content and fulfilled? 

    Something has gone wrong. Our society has been attacked by pain. If you know what pain wounds look  like, you will see them on all your friends. To be sure, there are as many different kinds of pain as there are reasons for pain. Most people associate the doctor’s office with the pain of organic disease. But this is not the only suffering physicians have to deal with. There are, for example, the pains of self-destructive behaviour, of abuse and poor parenting, of pollution, of unrestricted sexual permissiveness, and even the pains associated with prosperity itself. But it is not the focus of this book. Instead, this book is dedicated to exposing and correcting the specific kind of pain that comes from marginless living. Why? Because we find ourselves in the midst of an unnamed epidemic. The disease of marginless living is insidious, widespread, and virulent.

        The marginless lifestyle is a relatively new invention and one of progress’s most unreasonable ideas. Yet in a very short time it has become a nearly universal malady. Few are immune. It is not limited to a certain socioeconomic group, nor to a certain educational level. Even those with a deep spiritual faith are not spared. It’s pain is impartial and nonsectarian--everybody gets to have some

      Others deny vehemently that anything is wrong. “Life has always been hard.” they say. “People have always been stressed. It is simply part of living. There has always been change to cope with. There have always been economic problems, and people have always battled depression. It is the nature of life to have its ups and downs--so why all the fuss?” 

  I’m not the one who's making the fuss; I’m only writing about it. I’m only being honest about what I see all around me. I sit in my examining room and listen. Then I repost what I hear. Something is wrong. People are tired and frazzled. People are anxious and depressed. People don't have the time to heal anymore. There is a psychic instability in our day that prevents peace from implanting itself  very firmly in the human spirit. And despite the skeptics, this instability is not the same old nemesis recast in modern role. What we have here is  a brand-new disease. 

     All of these advantages have been granted in America today. Yet the formula for happiness has proven to be more elusive than the simple bestowing of these benefits. Somewhere the equation has broken down. Food plus health plus warmth plus education plus affluence have not quite equaled Utopia. We live with unprecedented wealth and all it brings. We have leisure, entertainment, convenience, and comfort. We have insulted ourselves from the unpredictable ravages of nature. Yet stress, frustration and often times even despair unexpectedly accompany our unrivaled prosperity. 

    Is there a disease? We will soon  have a remedy. Is there poverty? We have enough wealth to go around, and a social program or two will solve the problem of the poor. Is there an energy shortage? We will find new technologies to harness the power of the nucleus and to capture the sun. Is there famine? We will use fertilizers and hybrid seeds to conquer hunger. In our most idolatrous moments, we actually began to assume that the solution to any problem could be confidently entrusted to progress. Thanks to its blessings, we came to perceive the future as a safer place to live. 

    It is not my intention  to denigrate the value of progress’s achievements. We have a;; benefited greatly. As a physician, I understand the tremendous advantages of immunizations, antibiotics, and anesthesia. We all marvel at the  power of communications and the speed of transportation. The print media has vastly increased access to learning. Wealth has permitted opportunities far beyond the imagining of our great-grandparents

  Yet as visible as these achievements have been, our faults demand a glaring prominence of their own. If we lead the world in successes, we also lead in far too many failures. Through much of the last decade, we had the developed world's highest rates of divoce, teenage pregnancy ,illicit drug abuse, crime, homicides, AIDS, litigation, functional illiteracy, national debt, and foreign  debt. We even make more garbage than anyone else. 

   With the aid of progress, perils now encircle us. No matter which direction we turn, yet another crisis stares us in  the face. Not only has progress been unable to solve these crises, it has not even been able to slow them. ..

          These patients are depressed, stressed, and exhausted. Some are desperate. Their jobs are insecure. Their farms have been repossessed. They are over their heads in debt. Their marriages are in trouble. Their sons are using drugs, and their daughter are getting pregnant.

    These patients don’t know what to do or where to turn. They have no social support, no roots, no community. Their stomachs won’t stop burning. They can’t sleep at night. They think about drastic solutions. The public blames the medical profession for giving too many tranquilizers and antidepressants. But what would you do? Doctors like to see healing as the result of their work. Yet today we often must be content with far less. There are so many things wrong with people’s lives that even our best is only a stopgap.  

     There can be little doubt that the ubiquitous contemporary absence of margin is directly linked to the march of progress. Those cultures with the most progress are the same as those with the least margin. If you were wondering why there is a chapter of progress in a book on margin, this is the reason. Margin has been stolen away, and progress was the thief.  If we want margin back, we will first have to do something about progress.

     We must have some room to breathe. We need freedom to think and permission to heal. Our relationships are being starved to death by velocity. No one has the time to listen, let alone love. Our children lay wounded on the ground, run over by our high-speed good intentions. Is God now pro exhaustion? Doesn’t He lead people beside the still waters anymore?    

   In its specifics, the definition of progress varies from culture to culture and from age to age. Within contemporary American society, however, our  notion of progress was first defined and later dominated by money, technology, and education. Each of these areas is of value, but none of them cares much about our transcendent needs. That indifference constitutes a fatal flaw. 

   In our enthusiasm to improve material and cognitive performance, we neglected to respect the more complex and less objective parameters along the way. The social, emotional, and spiritual contributions to our well-being were, and continue to be, overlooked and underestimated. Not only are they more difficult to measure, but we apparently believed they would simply ‘improve” along with everything else. Or else, in our rush for the future, we didn’t care. 

    While the progress we boast of is found within the material and cognitive environments, most of the pain we suffer is found within the social, emotional and spiritual. The material and cognitive environments are unquestionably important. They also have an advantage in that they are more visible and thus more highly pursued. Scripture teaches us , however, that the social, emotional, and spiritual environments are more important. A crucial task for our society today is to reverse the order of emphasis and viability of these environments.

     How might we know that the relational environments are where God would have us concentrate? Simply put, these are the same areas Christ spent His time developing and where His teachings focused.

      Where do you  think God would have  us search for answers regarding drugs, crime, divorce, sucide, depression, teenage pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, and litigation? In the material and cognitive reals, or in the relational ones? Our society tries in vain to remedy these problems using the  popular notions of progress---appropriating more money (that is, material/physical answers)   and setting up more classes (that is. cognitive /education answers). But insufficient funds and lack of education are not the problems. The problem is lack of love.

     With the establishment of a proper emphasis, all appropriate needs will be met. Should  we fail in this task, however, progress will only bring us increasing pain. Our wallets will get fatter, our houses are bigger, our cars faster, and our brains smarter. Yet when we neglect the most important priorities, our final reward will fittingly be all the unhappiness money can buy.”

[fehcanons]

Zeke x Reader

the first of 3 winners done. @eorzean-savage

“Do you really have to go?” You gaze up at Zeke, the knight too busy preparing his belongings for his mission. A mission that doesn’t include you, you remind yourself in your head before you clench your hand, the thought fading away for the meanwhile.

Zeke sighs as he polishes his mask for the sixth time today, for all his cleanliness, today he exaggerates his routine, his Rigelian uniform somehow seemingly cleaner than the day he received them. He faces towards you, his eyes downcast towards your glaring ones. “Forgive me for not being able to remain by your side, but what I must do is necessary for Valentia.”

You steel yourself, closing your eyes and taking a breath before continuing what could pass as an argument between you two, the idea of an argument foreign to the both of you. “Then let me join you.” You step towards him and straighten out his collar, the slight unevenness barely noticeable but much more easier to focus on than the conversation.

“You’ve endangered yourself far too much; the image of you being slain by brutes has kept my mind in turmoil, to think that you would risk yourself again is far too much for me.” Zeke smiles as he finishes speaking, your hands being embraced by his.

“So then you know how I worry about you.” Zeke looks at you curiously before sighing and then kissing your forehead. “So I’ll be joining you.” You state as you unclasp your hands from his, reaching for your belongings to begin packing.

“Very well,” Zeke sneaks up behind you and places his hand on your shoulder, you turning around in response. “But promise me that should anything befall me, you’ll return to Valentia.”

“I can’t promise,” Zeke frowns at your admission. “But I will try.” You stand on your tiptoes, reaching for a peck on the lips before Zeke embraces you, spinning you in his arms.

Traveling by sea is an entirely foreign action to you. That is until you and Zeke find passage with a traveling merchant ship to Archanea. The merchants very willing to provide lodging and transportation to someone of Zeke’s military prowess. With Zofia and Rigel’s lands becoming sustainable with the passing of Mila and Duma, pirates have becomes much less abundant but the fear remains. And so far, the fear has remains unfounded, an entire two weeks having passed by with no sight of them.

Those two weeks have dragged on however, each day seemingly lasting a week in itself; your only respite being Zeke’s constant presence. The constant swaying motion leaves you uneasy and the salty air has begun to to sting your nose, the repetitive days near the point of driving you mad. Your current haven and sleeping quarters is where you spend most of your time. Right now, Zeke is speaking with the leader of this group of merchants, the remaining days to arrive at Archanea unknown to the both of you.

A gentle knock on your door lightly alerts you before Zeke enters the room. His face serious.

“How much longer?” You ask the question, your mind clueing in on the answer from Zeke’s serious attitude.

“I’m afraid there’s a storm on the direct route to Grust.” You groan before flopping down back on your shared cot. Zeke smiles before handing you some medicine. “The merchant informed me that this should help ease your illness for the meanwhile. We have three weeks remaining, so if you require more, I’ll gladly purchase some more.”

You rise out of bed and give Zeke a peck on the lips, the privacy of your room allowing intimate gestures, Zeke being too embarrassed for such things in public. “Thank you.” Opening the vial, you drink a small portion, the bitterness not helping your situation but hopefully making up for it later. With that done, you bring up the reason for traveling to Archanea. “Why is traveling to Archanea so important to you?” You ignore Zeke’s forgotten memories; the only reason he would insist on traveling to Archanea would have to do with his memories you’ve concluded during your long hours of pondering at night besides Zeke’s sleeping form.

Zeke looks at you before coughing into his hand, grimacing all the meanwhile. “Perhaps, let’s save this discussion for another day?” Zeke says firmly.

“Alright.” Deciding to leave it for another day, Zeke heads back out while you continue to rest in bed.

By the time another two weeks have passed, you swear you want to tear this ship apart wooden piece by wooden piece. To make matters worse, Zeke continues to brush off any and all questions about Archanea, your mind festering your brain with more thoughts. The medicine is your saving grace, but the constant swaying is something no medicine can stop, along with the smell of the salty ocean and cramped quarters driving you even further mad. By the time Zeke enters the room to check up on you, your patience is at its limit, the fuse reaching its end once you speak. “Why Archanea?” You state. Realizing the statement, Zeke clears his throat before taking a seat on your guys cot beside you.

“I used to be a Grustian general.” You keep quiet and Zeke continues. “I’ve heard news about another war occurring in Archanea.”

“So you wish to return to Archanea?” You implore. Zeke shakes his head.

“No. I need to assure that Grust’s royal lineage remains safe, I was unable to do so before and Grust greatly suffered for it. Prince Yubello and Princess Yumina were kidnapped and King Ludwik was forced to fight for Dolhr. I don’t wish for the same to occur again.”

You remain silent as you process the information.

“I didn’t wish for you to become involved in my own selfish desires; forgive me.”

“Your desires are my own desires.” You grab Zeke’s hand. “So what will we do.”

“When we land, we’ll need to gather intel on the situation. From there, we can figure out a course of action. But for now, refer to me as Sirius.” Zeke places his mask on as he says this.

“So mysterious,” You laugh before kissing him, causing Zeke to blush.

“The storm has subsided, so we only have one day left.” You sigh in gratitude from the moment of freedom coming soon.

Archanea’s air is much more crisp than Valentia’s; the port does not reflect such a nice weather, everyone holed up in their homes. With Archanea ahead of you and Zeke by your side, he cups your chin as he gazes into your eyes. “Are you ready my sweet?”

You smile at the affectionate name before answering, “With you, always.”

[spyder-m]

Shumako Week, Day Six: Take Your Time, Hurry Up

@shumakoweek​ Day Six: Date Night

AO3

Summary: Ren and Makoto make the mistake of planning a date on the same day they had arranged a Phantom Thieves meeting. 

.

The trains at Shibuya Station were running like clockwork.

Following the rampant, freak accidents occurring that had marred their public image, the transport sector was working hard to reach its former glory. 

The Phantom Thieves, on the other hand, were riding high after their take down of the infamous hacktivist group MedJed, who had threatened Japan’s economy. The operation had secured them an almost nation wide following, with those who had doubted their intentions and ability before, becoming believers.

Now, in the hopes of capitalising on their newfound popularity and momentum, the group was eager to decide on their next target. Or, at the very least, take care of some smaller Phansite requests

Yet, with three of their members missing, things were difficult.

Not just any of their members either.

Ren, their leader, was absent. Morgana was with him at all times, which meant he was gone too. Morgana had spent more time in the Metaverse than any of them and had important insight. Makoto, their team strategist and essentially second-in-command to Ren, was nowhere to be found either. A member who had played a major part in giving solid direction to their operations.

It was understandable for Yusuke or Futuba to be running late, especially given the latter had only recently overcome some crippling anxiety and the former... wasn't their most financially responsible member. The same, however, could not be said for any of the group's Shujin members.

Whenever they arranged a meeting, they would head straight over to the station right after school. It was one of the upsides to using the walkway as their hideout. While Makoto, certainly had a lot of responsibilities as the Student Council President, she; as far as they could recall; didn't have a meeting today.

Ren worked many different jobs, helping to supplement the Phantom Thieves' income, but he of all people would have known not to pick up a shift today. Besides, his bosses all seemed to be pretty flexible when it came to hours. Certainly, that shouldn't have been an issue.

Ryuji sighed, closing another thread on his phone, his research hitting a dead end. They had been waiting for almost half an hour, and it was getting harder to focus on target reconnaissance. Yet, he didn't want to waste any time. It was uncertain if they were even going to make it into Mementos at this point, so he wanted to at least get something productive done.

A dull throb worked its way up his leg, and he stretched it out, the inactivity weighing heavily on his limbs. He was anxious to head into the Metaverse and beat the shit out of some shadows. But they had a unanimous ruling after all. It wouldn't be cool to sneak in without everyone else.

Glancing over at his teammates, it was obvious they were also distracted. Futaba fiddled with her laptop, a bustle of text dragging across the screen faster than his eyes could recognise. Yusuke’s fingers were stretched out in front of his face, framing passersby. Ann was sifting through her phone, her eyes glazed by the blank screen.

Scratching the back of his head, Ryuji was the first to speak up.

"We did say today, right? Or am I going crazy?"

"No," Yusuke agreed. "It was definitely today."

"Weird." Ryuji said, turning to Ann. "You texted 'em, yeah?"

"I did." She exhaled, looking up from her own phone. "It's strange, Ren's a gamble, but outside of class Makoto's usually pretty responsive. But I don’t even have a ‘read’ receipt from her."

"Huh. I wonder what's keeping 'em."

"Ah, there you guys are."

"Mona?" Futaba looked up from her screen. "What are you doing here by yourself? Where's Ren?"

"He told me to go on ahead at school, said he needed to take care of something. I would’ve gotten here sooner, but I… I got lost"

"You got lost?"

"How should I know the way? I’m always hidden in his bag!"

A wash of concern carried over the four as they listened to Morgana. It wasn't often that Ren would let his companion wander around on his own. They were worried about raising suspicion. Especially considering how Morgana had been caught on security camera footage before. It was strange.

"But… What could he have to take care of? Doesn’t he know we have business?"

"He in that alley by the gun shop again? He's always starin' off into space there. You can never get his attention. It's 'effin creepy."

Morgana's shoulder blades twitched in a gesture Ryuji supposed could pass for a shrug. The black cat settled against the railing, beginning lying down to groom himself.

Another five minutes passed before Makoto approached them, her footsteps light. While her tentative movement was cause for suspicion, her clothes and hair appeared ruffled also.

"Uh, guys?"

"Makoto? What happened? It's not like you to be late."

"My apologies. I had some... duties to take care of."

"Is that so?" Ryuji said, eyes narrowing. Makoto was quick to move forward with the conversation."

"In any case, shall we run through our requests?"

"Should we really do that without Ren?"

"I- Yes, I suppose you're right. I didn't realise he wasn't here."

"Uh, what? I think our leader being gone is a pretty significant detail to miss."

"Hey, is it just me, or is there something off about her?"

"I- I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm here! I'm here!" Ren called frantically, raising his hand in apology as he ducked and weaved by different commuters. As the group's eyes flickered towards, Makoto exhaled, the attention drawn away from her.

Ren stopped before them in a hunch, his clasping above his knees. His breathing appeared laboured and heavy.

"Did you seriously just run the whole way here? What were you doing?"

"Just had to… get something." Their leader wheezed. Though, the only he appeared to be carrying was packet of Jagariko in his hand.

"Is that-?!" Yusuke gasped, his stomach groaning.

"Right now? But what about our meeting? Also, what did you bring that shit for?" 

"Ooooo, can those replenish our stamina?"

"Jeez, what's going on? Aren't you two supposed to be the brains behind this whole operation? This doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence."

Ren looked to reply, but instead opted to gulp deeply from a bottle of mineral water in between gasps for breath.

This surprised Ryuji. Their leader was normally pretty stoic and unflappable. The only time Ryuji had seen him looking so rough before was when they were training together.

He wasn't the only one.

"You okay, Makoto? You're lookin’ awfully frazzled."

While not the most perceptive member of the Phantom Thieves, Ryuji knew his friends, and there was something suspicious about the way these two were behaving. He could tell he wasn't alone in thinking that.

Two of their most level-headed teammates, their leaders in fact, were clearly off their game. Ryuji voicing his suspicion, along with the weight of their friends’ gazes, only exasperated Makoto’s dithering.

"Oh, uh... Do I? Well, I suppose it's hot today."

As Makoto stumbled for a coherent answer, Morgana was already piecing things together. The way the two conveniently showed up late, moments apart. How they were both short of breath. How, as Makoto fumbled over her words, she would fleetingly look towards Ren, a pleading expression flashing across her features.

Morgana had a pretty good sense of what was going on.

"Hey, you know what? Why don't we reschedule this for another day?" He suggested, a knowing tone in his voice.

"Huh?" Ryuji exclaimed. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh no," Makoto replied, her hands raised. "That won't be necessary."

"Nonsense! You two obviously aren't at a hundred percent and there's no telling how that could affect our performance."

"What? But that's- urgh!"

"Yeah! I think that's a great idea!" Ann agreed, from beside a now doubled-over now Ryuji. "Don't you think so, Ryuji?"

"But I already spent my last yen on the train fare." Yusuke protested. "I was hoping we would be able to find some more in Mementos."

"Oh, uh... Well, why don't you hitch a ride with us, Yusuke?" Ann said, clapping her friend on the shoulder. "We'll cover for you."

Ann beamed at Ren and Makoto as she passed, winking and flicking her fingers into a 'v' shape.

"We'll see you two later!~"

Before they could respond, Ann had practically dragged their two friends down the stairs of the walkway. By the railing, Futaba had already packed away her laptop and was lifting Morgana into her arms.

"Don't worry, I'll take Mona back with me. You two have fun now!"

.

"So, they clearly saw through us, right?"

"It would seem so."

Ren sighed, hand sifting clumps of matted, sweaty hair from his eye line.

For living double lives as Phantom Thieves, their alibi hadn’t exactly been failsafe.

“Think we can still make the movie in time?”