#i have to get back to my math
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At it again
#drew them once after weeks and now i cant stop#im like a recovering alcoholic that just accidentally sprayed disinfectant in their mouth#i have so many ideas#i missed them so much actually#look at them#the sillies#my math paper is staring at me from across the table😭#i need twenty pages written by next week and i have a grand two paragraphs#because these two take priority<3#amen#i did eat an entire tin of sardines while drawing this#im taking that to mean the fish support the lesbians#they gave me Strength#i just love the idea of uraraka floating and toga twirling her around#so yeah have this lil doodle#i have to get back to my math#(maybe)#hashtag women in stem#toga himiko#ochako uraraka#togachako#mha#bnha#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#wlw#chiquilines draws
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when your main characters start dating after years of writing so they finally get to be like this
#rare WIP preview from me#this is in like. 10 episodes. lmfao#its been really hard working this far ahead#my editor isnt giving me any feedback and my friends are very busy so it's felt quite lonely#which is fine! for my friends I mean. but its my editors job to give me feedback...#but the webtoon editors are extremely extremely extremely overworked and my series is set to end so I understand its low priority#its not her fault its webtoons fault. however. its still demotivating...#oh well l m a o#I should be much further ahead ngl LMFAO I want like 12 done but I come back in 2 weeks.#we'll see#when I get really stressed out I go full gamer mode#and usually I'll sink like 60 hours (like 5 days) into a game and then I'm good and move on#but this recent game that grabbed me is. its too much actually#bit uncontrollable ngl I think its an ADHD thing I mostly have just quit playing videogames at all#cause its like yeah being stressed cause theres too much work to do is not going to be helped by losing a week and a half to a game...#and yet.#anyways the game is satisfactory#my friend bought it for me and we've been playing together#and our shared file has. 100 hours on it. and we still havent beaten the game#we're close to beating it and it's not like we're rushing or anything#cause its fun to fuck around and zap eachother or whatever#but it's got me doing math. the exact kind of math I love to do. optimization#and its reminding me yeah in another life id have been an engineer#I'm glad I'm an artist but its always weird like yeah this is easily a path I could have gone down#'artists hate math' speak for yourself doing math calms me down! I love math!#I love math and I love business. I'm almost the perfect artist but I hate advertising so. we can't have it all#anyways theyre so fucking cute its sickening. I love them so much. I could cry#WIP#lineart#time and time again
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In which Ford struggles so badly to relate to other people that he wonders if he’s really human at all. The more isolated he becomes, the harder it is to reconcile with his own humanity.
#my art#gravity falls#Stanford pines#ford pines#bill cipher#comic#eye strain#TIME TO DUMP EVERY ONE OF THE 27483949 THOUGHTS IVE HAD INTO THE TAGS BABY#OK!! SO!!!!#I feel like Ford would wonder why he and Stan (being identical twins) aren’t. yk. identical. shouldn’t Stan have polydactyly too?#as a kid he would dream about secretly being nonhuman and being whisked away to a fantastical world full of people like him#finally free of new jersey‚ finally somewhere he belongs#a lot of this disconnect from humanity came from utterly failing at social interactions while others (including stan) navigated them easily#the feeling waned after Stan was kicked out and he didn't have that direct comparison but it never left#then out in the wilderness of gravity falls‚ his isolation and immersion in Weirdness dragged it back up to the forefront#he deserves to have a breakdown over questioning his own nature. as a treat <3#color symbolism time bc I have a problem and use it at every available moment!!! blue and yellow get more vivid#the further from humanity the subject is#bill is entirely made w pure rgb blue and yellow (+ approximately 2674835 textures/layers/blending modes. I reached 150+ layers. help)#I like the idea that he would appear to ford like pure math considering hes a geometrical motherfucker and how the rest of the mindscape wa#I tried to mostly use trigonometry and related stuff for the Math Greebling. as well as fractals i love you forever fractals#MORE SYMBOLISM:#the grid-ish diamond pattern in all of the mindscape bgs (and elsewhere) is a penrose diagram of spacetime#which shows other universes on the other sides of black holes#SOMEONE ASK ME ABOUT MY EUCLYDIA HEADCANON LATER. IVE DUMPED ENOUGH DUMB HCS IN THESE TAGS ALREADY#BUT I THINK ITS VERY FUN#anyways. fuckt up guys n their egos influencing how they view humanity. bill tells ford hes as human as they come bc he was so easily foole#ford cant reconcile with his humanity bc of a failure to perform in one area#and then the immense guilt and shame over what hes done <3#I have So many ford characterization thoughts. no man nor god can stop me
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Okay listen, listen. Eden's Garden CH1 was great and I loved it and I'll make a more detailed analysis post about it at some point. And Eva in particular is fantastic and my favorite character. There's just- There's just a little, little issue I have with her FTEs, and if I don't talk about it I'm gonna explode.
Spoilers for P:EG CH1 and Eva's FTEs.
CW: I am about to be a Massive Fucking Nerd on main.
This post was originally going to be about how Eva's papers, the way she describes them, sound like they kinda suck. But then I realized that the way she describes the Riemann zeta function… is just wrong???? Like, it doesn't converge to- EVA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?!?!?!?!
Like, look, I don't think "Eva sucks at writing papers actually” is the conclusion I'm meant to reach after doing her FTEs. I'm also pretty sure the mistakes she makes when describing the Riemann zeta function (henceforth "zeta function” for brevity) are just mistakes on the writers’ part, which is fine because that thing is very confusing.
And to be clear, Eva being bad at writing papers doesn't mean she's actually bad at science. I mean, she apparently solved the goddamn Riemann Hypothesis, and doesn't even think it's that big a deal!
Eva, sad [3rd FTE]: They'll put it on my gravestone: here lies the girl who could barely solve Riemann's stupid hypothesis.
(Thank you Ani from youtube for uploading these things it makes citation so much easier <3)
Girliepop if I solved a problem that's stumped mathematicians for over a hundred years (which carries a million dollar prize btw), you bet your fucking ass I want that on my gravestone! And look, I know that this is not necessarily due to her doing more impressive stuff in mathematics. That it's more so because she's internalized what other people think about her skills, and since a lot of people erroneously believe math is uncool she doesn't think this is as big a deal as it is. But the fact that she managed to solve this thing at all, not to mention at eighteen years old, already puts her in contention for best mathematician of the damn century. And that's incredible, because math is badass.
In short, Eva's cool and a great mathematician. But the way she talks about her other work, the papers she wishes got more recognition, makes me really doubt her actual skill as a writer of these papers. Let me explain.
There are three papers Eva mentions writing, or thinking about writing, across her FTEs. One about literature, another about lightspeed travel, and one about the Riemann zeta function.
Eva [1st FTE]: Earlier this year, I wrote a whole paper on an obscure subgenre of Western speculative fiction… I spent weeks on it, expecting it to receive a lot of attention from literary critics…
Eva [1st FTE]: I could write a research paper on the theoretical possibility of lightspeed travel, but no one would care, because…
Eva [4th FTE]: …I wrote a paper about how you can use tabletop gaming to understand [the Riemann zeta function].
Now, I can't say anything about the literature paper, because she gives no details on it. I also don't know enough about literature to know how long it usually takes to write papers on it, so I'll take her word for it that working for weeks on it is notable.
For the hypothetical paper about the "theoretical possibility of lightspeed travel", I have my doubts, but she also doesn't give enough details about what that paper would entail for me to definitively say anything about it. We'll get back to this one, though.
Meanwhile, the paper she gives the most details on is the Riemann zeta function one, and… yeah that one's trash.
There’s two reasons I say that. One is the technical issue with the description she gives, which basically boils down to “there’s severe inaccuracies in her explanation and also she just straight up gets some things wrong,” and is extremely nerdy and math heavy to explain; and the other is a much more fundamental problem with the very thesis of the paper, which doesn’t require math to explain, but I’ll leave for later.
I’ll start with the technical side and the things she gets wrong about the zeta function. I’ll try to make this accessible for non-math nerds, but fair warning, this is pretty difficult math so I can only do so much. That includes keeping to the tabletop analogy Eva used in the spirit of the thing.
By the way, take everything I'm about to say with a grain of salt. I'm a third year Physics major, so while I know way more math than the average person, I am by no means an expert. I am liable to get things wrong. In fact, I actually didn't know anything about the zeta function or the Riemann hypothesis before seeing these FTEs, I just researched them because I got curious about the Riemann hypothesis after seeing it show up in not one, but two fangans I've seen (it has a cameo in DR Despair Time if you're curious). However, even though I'm not an expert, I think I know enough to definitively say Eva's very wrong about a few things.
Lots of math incoming, TL;DR after the next red title
As a refresher, this is a paraphrased version of what she explains.
Eva (Paraphrased) [4th FTE]: Take 1, ½, ⅓, ¼, and so on for infinity, and pretend they are characters in a tabletop game (TTG). An enemy casts a status effect on your denominators so that they are all raised to the power of p, where the value of p is decided by dice roll. Now your characters are 1, 1/2ˆp, 1/3ˆp, etc. For your turn, you add all of your characters together, and that’s the zeta function ζ(p) = 1 + 1/2ˆp + 1/3ˆp + ... What is the value of ζ(p)?
This is good, that sum is indeed the first way to define the zeta function (more on that later), so it's correct. However, she then makes two statements.
Statement 1: If p is higher than 1, then you get a whole number; a number without decimals. ( ζ(p) = a whole number). Statement 2: If p is lower than 1, then you get 0, “an infinite amount of zeroes.” ( ζ(p) = 0).
(You’ll notice I put that last thing in quotes. I’ll get back to it)
Now, I’m going to ignore a few minor inaccuracies which Eva likely makes to simplify the concepts, because they’re not too important. For example; you can’t “add” infinite numbers, that’s not a thing. An infinite series can converge, which is slightly different from arithmetic addition. However, the two things are close enough that, for most people, the distinction doesn’t really matter. In other words, I’m fine with her saying she’s adding infinite numbers together, and similar claims.
There's one inaccuracy I can’t gloss over, though; Eva never tells Damon which dice is rolled to determine the value of p. In math terms, she never tells him the domain of the function (the domain of a function, btw, is the set of values for which the function is defined). Are the values p can take real or complex? Can it be any real/complex, or are there restrictions?
For the unaware, since this is gonna come up, I’ll define a complex number using the TTG analogy. A complex number is a special character born by adding together a real number "r" (one of the numbers you’re all familiar with), and another real number "b" equipped with (math: multiplied by) the Epic Tier item known as the imaginary unit “i”. This Epic item has the property that iˆ2 = -1. So basically a complex number "z" is one where
z = r + bi
where r,b are real and i is the imaginary unit. "r" is known as the real component, and "b" is the imaginary component.
(Note: All real numbers are complex numbers where b=0, but not all complex numbers are real)
In case you’re curious, these things are used in several fields, such as the study of electrical circuits with alternating current, and they appear in relation to the Schrödinger equation- I’m getting off track.
So, what dice does Eva want the opponent to roll to define p? Well, she never says it, but we can infer. She says that p can be “higher than 1,” and that clues us in that she’s probably rolling the dice of real numbers. After all, there’s no universally agreed upon definition of what it means for a complex number to be “higher than” another complex number. Meanwhile, she doesn’t mention any restrictions on what value p can take, so it’s safe to say she’s implying that p can be any real number higher than or lower than 1, aka any real number except maybe 1. Now, the zeta function doesn’t actually have that domain, but we’ll get to that.
For now, let’s analyze her statements assuming p is any real number other than 1. Let’s take a look at the first one.
Statement 1: If p is higher than 1, then ζ(p) is a whole number; a number without decimals.
This is wrong. Just so we’re clear, I could probably prove, with my somewhat limited math knowledge, that this statement can only work if the domain is more restrictive than “all real numbers other than 1” as described previously. It'd have to be defined only in whole numbers, for example.
However, I don’t need to. One of the first lines in the Wikipedia page of the zeta function says that ζ(3) (which is the value you get after “adding all your characters” when p = 3) is an irrational number. That is, among other properties, a number with infinite decimals. Eva could not be more wrong if she tried.
(Btw, yes I'm using Wikipedia as my only source. Not particularly rigorous research on my part, but this is a silly Tumblr post about funny killing game, there's a limit to my insanity)
I don’t even know how this happened, btw. It’s pretty clear this is a goof on the devs’ side (perfectly understandable btw, it took me several reads of the Wikipedia pages for both the zeta function and the Riemann hypothesis to even get them enough to write this post, and as stated I study a lot of math for my career), but I genuinely don’t know where they got the idea from. There’s nothing I could find about whole numbers in relation to the zeta function. There’s connections to prime numbers, which are all whole, but the series doesn't converge to them, the connection is a bit weirder than that. There's also some stuff Euler found about it converging to rational numbers for negative integers, but again, not whole numbers, and not even for real values above 1. So, yeah, no clue.
Anyways, what about the other statement?
Statement 2: If p is lower than 1, then you get 0, “an infinite amount of zeroes.”
This is also obviously wrong. In fact, reader! Can you think of a counterexample which is immediately obvious if you think about it for two seconds? A real number p lower than 1 such that ζ(p) isn't 0?
If you said “zero, because zero always breaks everything in very obvious ways,” you have good intuition! You could have also picked any other real number lower than 1, but those are less obvious.
For 0, the reason it’s so apparent is that any number raised to the power of zero is just 1, so 1 + 1/2ˆ0 + 1/3ˆ0 + … just turns into 1 + 1 + 1 + … and so on for infinity. Very obviously, the series diverges, it “goes to infinity.” This is very different from converging to 0.
And just so we’re clear, the series also diverges for any real value of p lower than 1, though I’ll leave proving that one as an exercise to the reader, with the help that I’ll tell you the infinite series 1 + ½ + ⅓ + ¼ + … also goes to infinity. Again, Eva could not be more wrong if she tried.
So, what went wrong here? Turns out, the way Eva defined the zeta function as an infinite series (a "sum of infinite numbers”) only works when p is a complex number with a real component higher than 1. That’s why it was important for her to say what dice we were rolling to determine p, what the domain of the function defined by the series is. For other numbers, you need to define zeta in different ways.
And what happened to the whole “infinite zeroes” thing? Well, you see, I have a theory. I think the devs must have read that the zeta function had “an infinite amount of zeroes for values of p with a real component lower than 1” (which is true, but doesn’t mean what they think it means), and misinterpreted from there. Fair mistake. I kinda wanna correct it using the TTG analogy, but I’ll leave that for the end of the post because it’s gonna derail the entire thing.
(I got carried away and explained everything I understood about the Riemann zeta function oops)
What you need to know for now; you can do some math tricks to define the zeta function outside of the infinite series Eva described, though a lot of those tricks are way above my pay grade. That way, you can evaluate the function for any complex value of p other than 1. In other words, you can roll different die for p, but it requires redefining what you're doing with that p.
Turns out, in doing that, some funky shit happens, and any time p equals -2n for any n which is a natural number (that is, p = -2 or -4 or -6 or -8, etc.), the zeta function will go to zero. Those values of p are known as the “trivial zeroes” of the function, and are obviously infinite in number. However, note that these trivial zeroes are exclusively negative even integers; there are plenty of real values of p lower than 1 for which the zeta function is not zero, so Eva still isn’t correct at all.
Though, to be clear, there are also zeroes of the function other than the trivial ones. This is actually where the Riemann hypothesis comes in. The hypothesis is that any non-trivial zero of the zeta function has a real component of exactly ½, with the only difference between them being the imaginary component (if you didn't follow, again, more detailed explanation at the bottom of the post). This (in our world) has not been definitively proven to work for every non-trivial zero, though it does work for the first several trillion.
Absurdly nerdy math rant over
So TL;DR, Eva made some pretty big mistakes when talking about the convergence of the zeta function, mainly stemming from not properly defining its domain, but also just straight up getting the convergence wrong. It doesn’t converge exclusively to whole numbers for real numbers above 1, and has to be defined in a different way for real values below 1, not to mention that she never brings up the full function is actually defined for complex numbers other than 1.
Obviously, this all likely stems from the creators not actually understanding the zeta function themselves, which is pretty funny.
But you wanna know what the bigger issue is? That even if Eva had properly explained the zeta function, her paper would still suck ass. Because there’s a much bigger, more fundamental issue with the very thesis it upholds.
I want you to take a step back. Really look past the complex math and weird terms and the contrast between the very serious sounding Riemann zeta function and the somewhat silly concept of a TTG…
And realize that the thesis of the paper Eva describes is “analogies exist.”
She can frame it however she likes, but ultimately, that’s what the point of the paper was. Eva, where the hell did you even get this published? In fact, I think it’s silly for you to say that it’d have been better received if your talent was different, because without it, I don’t see a world where this shit could even be submitted to any journal with even a modicum of self respect!
And look, she’s not wrong. I get her point, that mathematicians often don’t put in enough effort to communicate their work to the layman, and would benefit from explaining things in more creative ways. That’s cool. But that’s the kind of thing you would write for, like, an article or something.
But a paper is specifically meant for research. Calling this thing a paper almost feels insulting to mathematicians. Like the concept of using analogies to explain math is an unprecedented discovery that required actual research to figure out. Unless this paper was also the one where Eva solved the Riemann hypothesis (which God I hope that was a different paper), there's no new information being presented here. It's at best a personal opinion piece, which is not what scientific papers are for.
Am I silly for getting hung up on the wording of this being described as a paper instead of an article or opinion piece or whatever? Well, this entire post is silly, but I don't think it's because of that, because words mean things. And a scientific paper carries certain connotations that do not align with what Eva describes.
And this little issue casts doubt in her general skill as a paper writer. That's why I'm a bit skeptical about the paper she mentions about the "theoretical possibility of lightspeed travel.” Because, quite frankly, that paper topic sounds… meaningless? Like a bunch of technobabble?
Like, what exactly are you discussing about lightspeed travel? In fact, what are you actually referring to when you say "lightspeed travel"? Matter approaching lightspeed, or reaching or even exceeding lightspeed? The latter two are impossible according to current scientific consensus, btw. Or is she discussing a particular trick to get something from point A to point B in less time than it would take for light to cover that distance? There are papers discussing stuff like that, even if all the mechanisms are also thought to be impossible by consensus. And regardless of what she means by "lightspeed travel", what does she mean "theoretical possibility” of it? Like, genuinely, I have no clue. Is she speculating on whether or not it's possible? Is she speculating on the properties such travel would have? Is she proposing a theoretical method to do it? Is she doing something else entirely? The premise of the paper is too vague, is my point.
This worries me because… well, to put it bluntly, experts in related fields (such as mathematics) attempting to make cool sounding physics theories (such as a paper on the "theoretical possibility of lightspeed travel", whatever that means) which are completely wrong and nonsensical is a real, observable phenomenon in our world. Check out Angela Collier's "physics crackpots: a 'theory’” to find out more. And also check out the rest of her youtube channel it's great.
What Eva is doing with that paper honestly sounds remarkably close to what Angela describes there. In fact, let's check out whether or not Eva's hypothetical paper fits any of the four points Angela brings up to spot a crackpot theory.
1. “Addresses THE BIGGEST PROBLEMS in physics.”
By this, Angela means that the theory addresses a problem or topic that anyone with a passing interest in physics knows is a big deal. Things like dark matter, gravity, black holes, and yes, "lightspeed travel.” You're not going to see anyone with a crackpot theory on the equation of state of real gases or Eddy currents, because by the point you know what those things are in enough depth to be interested in them, you probably also know enough to determine what a good physics theory is and what isn't. Eva's paper fits this point, but that doesn't necessarily mean Eva is a crackpot physicist, right?
2 and 4. “Lacking mathematical rigor, experimental data, etc.” and “They are not physics theories”
I grouped these two because it's impossible for me to know whether Eva's paper would actually fit these points or not. She doesn't give enough details for me to say. I can tell you for sure it's not gonna have experimental data, but since it's theoretical physics, that's fine. So, we can maybe give her the benefit of the doubt? As long as she doesn't fit the last point too well maybe-
3. “Respond with anger, claim physics establishment has blacklisted them, cite Galileo/Einstein/etc."
Oh no.
Eva [1st FTE]: I could write a research paper on the theoretical possibility of lightspeed travel, but no one would care…
Oh no chat. She might actually be a crackpot physicist.
It doesn't help that her mentality in general is actually very in line with the mentality described in the Angela video mentioned above. That because she's a smart person (which she is; again, solved the damn Riemann hypothesis), she should be able to easily become recognized and respectable in any field she takes interest in. But that isn't how the world works. There's a reason people spend years of their life studying literature, physics, or mathematics, just to truly get a grasp of each discipline individually.
Ok, but, like, what's my point? Am I going to include her misunderstanding of the zeta function and the possibility of her being a "crackpot physicist” in any character analysis? No, of course not. You're very clearly meant to think Eva is genuinely skilled in every field she approaches, because this is a fangan and Ultimates can bend the limits of humanity to fit a narrative. I'm perfectly willing to accept that Eva solved the Riemann hypothesis, as you've seen throughout this post, even though I'd be highly skeptical of anyone making that same claim in the real world, "Ultimate” or not. The same way I'd accept that a fictional character of any kind could manage to accelerate a particle to exactly lightspeed, even though I'd immediately call bullshit if someone claimed to do it in real life. The standard for believability is different for fictional characters than real people, basically.
Really, when you boil it down, I only take issue with the things Eva says because I'm genuinely passionate about the topics she mentions, and because she gives enough details about her work for me to see the cracks in the writers’ knowledge of them. I'm assuming this is a common issue with any fangan that tries to really explain what being an "Ultimate” in a particular field entails, because no one is actually well versed enough in sixteen different talents to actually say that for sure. That's why Eva off-handedly mentioning that she solved the Riemann hypothesis is much more effective as a way to establish her skill than trying and failing to get her to actually explain the zeta function.
All in all, this is just a purely self-indulgent post for me to vent about issues I have with the way the writers tried to convey Eva's expertise. Feel free to completely ignore this for character analysis, because I sure will. I just needed to talk about it because I would explode if I didn't. Anyways, hope you enjoyed! If you made it this far, you deserve a function named specifically after you! See y-!
Oh right I almost forgot.
My Own Explanation of the Riemann Zeta Function Using the TTG Analogy
(Explained by someone with little more than Wikipedia access, take all this with a grain of salt)
Think of finding the zeroes of a function as a boss fight. You go up to them, and you cast a spell, generally in the form of a number, such that the function becomes zero when you cast it. For example, the Easy Function
f(x) = 2x - 6
can be defeated by casting “3”, since 2x3 - 6 = 0.
Every function also has a “domain”, which is a set of spells you can actually cast against it. For example, since 1/0 is undefined, the Medium Function g(x) = 1/x has a domain of all complex numbers except 0. Casting 0 against g has no effect. You need a special spell, “limit when x tends to infinity” (or negative infinity) to defeat it.
The zeta function is a Legendary Boss, defined by the infinite series ζ(s) = 1 + 1/2^s +1/3^s + …
(I changed p to s for a reason trust the process)
Many mathematicians had tried to defeat it before, but it seemed futile*. Its domain was thought to be all real numbers higher than 1 (they originally didn't think to use complex numbers against it), but no matter what number was picked, that first term was too powerful. Even casting “limit when s tends to infinity” only got zeta down to 1. Nothing in its domain seemed to work.
Until Riemann arrived.
The zeta function chuckled, thinking this one to be like all the many others before him. But the legendary mage Riemann had many a trick the zeta function hadn't seen before. Tricks to make make the domain of the function larger, so that new Number Spells could be cast against it. Where everyone else had only ever attempted to cast real numbers against this boss, he wouldn't be satisfied with that. Without warning, he cast the first of many powerful spells needed to do what needed to be done.
"Domain Expansion; Proof of Complexity"
Since you already knew this part, I'll skip the proof, but basically, Reimann quickly showed that the infinite series which defined the zeta function for real numbers higher than one actually worked for any complex number with a real component higher than one.
The zeta function was impressed, but unconcerned. It knew damn well there was still no spell in this new domain which could possibly defeat it. "Nice try, but I'm not scared of some imaginary unit” it claimed.
“I'm aware,” claimed Reimann. He raised his hands again, his mana swelling, and the zeta function frowned. “But you're mistaken if you think this is the end.”
Reimann looked at the Legendary Boss in front of him, and cast the following, powerful incantation, with the help of the runes described below.
"Domain Expansion; Analytic Continuation"
To truly defeat the zeta function, one must understand the concept of an analytic continuation. This is where I falter, for I myself don’t understand what the fuck that is. However, what I've been able to gather is that the function
𝜂(s) / (1 - 2/2ˆs) where 𝜂(s) = 1/1ˆs - 1/2ˆs + 1/3ˆs - …
is equal to the zeta function in the zeta function's domain, but is also defined outside of it. In particular, it's defined for any complex number with a positive real component, except for the points where
1 - 2/2ˆs = 0
(can't be dividing by zero after all!). That last thing excludes 1, for example.
Basically, think of the spell "Domain Expansion; Analytical Continuation” as a shapeshifting spell that transforms the zeta function from the previous definition:
ζ(s) = 1 + 1/2ˆs + 1/3ˆs + … for s complex numbers with a real component higher than 1.
to now being defined as:
ζ(s) = 𝜂(s) / (1 - 2/2ˆs) for the previously described new domain.
That way, its domain is expanded to include complex numbers with a real component between 0 and 1, aside from those where 2/2ˆs = 1.
But of course, Reimann wouldn't be satisfied with that. The next spell was simpler, but worthwhile nonetheless.
"Domain Expansion; Limiting Singularity Removal"
See, turns out, all the points "z” where the analytic continuation was undefined, other than 1, where removable singularities (I think? I don't actually know much about complex functions :v), which means the spell "limit when s tends to z” returns a finite number l. That way, you can define ζ(z) = l for all of these removable singularities, expanding the domain of the zeta function to all complex numbers with a positive real component, other than 1.
Don't worry if you don’t know what a limit is or you didn't follow this part, it's not too important for this. After all, that last spell didn't worry the zeta function. What had truly taken it aback was the analytic continuation, which suddenly exposed a few weak spots of the zeta function to the world. Now, Reimann could defeat it once and for all, as long as he found the right spell in the new domain.
However, the zeta function was a Legendary Boss for a reason. "Fancy tricks, but it won't be easy to find something to actually defeat me, you know,” it bluffed, hoping intimidation would work. Foolish hope.
"Oh, certainly,” Reimann agreed readily, smiling. The zeta function was confused for a moment, until it realized something horrifying.
Reimann's mana was swelling again. He wasn't done. And for the first time since it's run-in with Euler all those years back, the zeta function felt true fear.
“It won't just be easy,” Reimann smirked. “It will be trivial.”
"Domain Expansion; Functional Equation"
This is another point where the math is beyond me, but I'll try to explain. Basically, Reimann proved that that equality up there holds true as long as s is a complex number with a real component strictly higher than 0 and strictly lower than 1.
However, you'll notice that if you take s as a complex number with a real component equal to or lower than 0 (other than 0 itself), then the right side of the equation is actually well defined, because 1 - s is a complex number with a positive real component (and not equal to 1 unless s is exactly 0), meaning ζ(1 - s) is well defined. You also don't run into issues with any of the other factors of that equation, including the Gamma function (𝚪). What that means is that this equation can be used to extend the zeta function's domain to all complex numbers other than 0 and 1.
Think of this domain expansion as a shapeshifting curse. If you cast a complex number with a real component strictly higher than 0 (other than 1), then the zeta function defends by turning into either the analytic continuation from before:
ζ(s) = 𝜂(s) / (1 - 2/2ˆs)
or the limit for any values where 1 - 2/2ˆs.
Meanwhile, if you cast a number s with a real component equal to or lower than 0 (other than 0 itself), then the zeta function shapeshifts to be:
ζ(s) = 2ˆs 𝜋ˆ(s-1) sin(s𝜋/2) 𝚪(1-s) ζ(1-s)
The final step is yet another Domain Expansion; Limiting Singularity Removal on 0, where ζ(0) = -½. Again not really important for us.
In any case, Riemann had done it. Five consecutive domain expansions, so that the zeta function's domain now included all complex numbers except 1. The zeta function was on its last legs, all that was needed was the final touch. For the inexperienced, you might think finding a zero would still be difficult, but the truly expert mages among you might have already noticed the weak spot in the functional equation.
The sine function. A Common Enemy which goes to 0 whenever it's attacked by a whole number equipped with the Legendary Tier item 𝜋. And when a complex number with a negative real component is cast against the zeta function, sin(s𝜋/2) becomes one of the factors.
"You know what this means, don't you, zeta?” Riemann asked. And the zeta function couldn't muster a response before the legendary mage cast his final spell. "You lose.”
"Simple Spell; Negative Even Integer"
-2, -4, -8, etc. Any even integer s causes s/2 to be a whole number, so sin(s𝜋/2) goes to zero. And since it's multiplying everything else, the entire zeta function goes to zero. These negative even integers are known as the zeta function's "trivial zeroes", and because there are infinite negative even integers, it can be said that the zeta function has an infinite amount of zeroes.
However, just because the Riemann zeta function had been defeated, doesn't mean Reimann was satisfied. See, Riemann noticed that there were other values which could defeat the zeta function, and weren't negative even integers. These are the zeta function's non-trivial zeroes. And he noticed that all of these zeroes followed a pattern, so he tried to cast a Prophecy Spell.
A Prophecy Spell (or a theorem, in real math terms) is one that makes it so that, when certain conditions are met, something happens without fail. To cast a Prophecy Spell, you must prove it, which means using other prophecy spells, runes and unbreakable laws (axioms) to certify that it's a valid prophecy.
I'll give you an example in case you're not used to the concept of mathematical proof, and cast the Prophecy Spell “if b is a real number, then b0 = 0". To prove it, I'll use two axioms (these are the building blocks of mathematics, and don't need to be proven because they just Are).
1) 0 + c = c (0 is neutral to addition).
2) b(c + d) = bc + bd (Distributive Property)
Now, observe the following:
1) b(c + 0) = b(c + 0) [Trivially true.]
2) bc = bc + b0 [0's neutrality used on the left, distributive on the right]
3) 0 = b0 [Because bc = bc, you can nullify the terms]
I chose this because it happens to be the reason you can't divide by 0. Division is formally defined as multiplication with the reciprocal, so to divide by 0 you must first define its reciprocal 1/0. 1/0 would be defined as a number such that 0 x 1/0 = 1. But we just proved there's no real (or complex) number for which that can be true, so 1/0 isn't a number, thus is undefined.
In any case, now you know what's needed to cast a Prophecy Spell. However, Riemann couldn't finish the Prophecy spell about the non-trivial zeroes. He couldn't find proof or a counterexample to refute it. And so, his unfinished Prophecy Spell went down in history… as the Riemann Hypothesis.
“All non-trivial zeroes of the Riemann zeta function have a real component of exactly ½.”
Although it's been proven to hold true for trillions of non-trivial zeroes, it has never been properly proven or refuted, so the Riemann Hypothesis remains… unsolved.
God that was nerdy and cringy as hell. It was also super fun to write so I don't care :D
*Look, for the purpose of the post, I'm saying Riemann did all this shit and is the first one to find a value for which the zeta function becomes zero. This is likely not historically accurate. I'm just doing it so the explanation flows better. This should only be taken as an explanation of the function itself, and not the history behind it.
#p:eg#project: eden's garden#eva tsunaka#this post got way outta hand btw#it was supposed to be a silly little thing. like 1k words max#but then i blacked out and there were 5.7k words how did this happen#so very sorry to my mathphobic followers but i saw math in a fangan and got over excited#and then eva stabbed me in the back by getting Everything Wrong#i love her but oh my god this bothered me more than it should have#cw math#(?)
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Trying to do hw but my mind solely wants to think about how charas motivations only make sense if you look at it from the eyes of a child and that ignoring them being a kid is how the fandom got stupid ideas in it's head of them being a mass manipulator who's entirely evil even though the game beats it into our head they made the plan BECAUSE they loved the dreemurrs. Like obviously their plan was never going to work it was a bad fucking plan from the getgo and little kids are 1) stubborn and 2) not known for thinking things through????? People saw asriel call them not the greatest person and a say he wished frisk was his friend (which fair!! Charas plan did get him killed and was the catalyst for things going wrong!) And immediately jumped to making them abusive ignoring all of the evidence that chara did care about and loved monsterkind.
#this goes ditto for flowey. yeah yeah hc him as a childish adult all you want but him turing back into asriel is proof enough that hes a kid#to me at least. that and time loops negate growth by nature. hes constantly refusing to move on or mature cause hes still stuck in that#same headspace he had from after he died. he may KNOW more but thay little fucker still never went through puberty or learned from his#consequence because by nature of the reset he never HAD to deal with consequences until frisk took that power from him.#chara#chara undertale#chara dreemurr#this is a vauge post :)#ut fandom when little kid with severe mental issues whos worldview is activly harmful BECAUSE they are a child: why is it evil and a woman#people mixing their headcanons with canon by interpreting every line about chara and asriel in the worst way possible. if chara is eating#the fucking flowers they too are getting hurt by them. asriel picking the flowers is too show he too was on board with the plan NOT CHARA#ABUSING HIM BY MAKING HIM PICK THEM SO HE GETS RASHES???? and none of how chara interacts with us in nm points to them being abusive either#shocking take i know but you can be a bad friend to someone without abusing them!!!!! yes chara was probably toxic but the proof people use#as them abusing asriel drives me insane because half of it is just painting them as a master manipulator who was fully aware of what they#were doing instead of an actual child. like wdym you think they poisoned asgore on purpose to test out if buttercups are poisonous#monsters are different physiologically than humans and if chara WAS doing it on purpose that fact alone would make them look stupid because#how the poison affected asgore would affect them differently!!!! and they.cooked.the.pie. they cooked the fucking pie meaning it would have#been less effective and likely not even have worked. the fact that he was affected at all is proof enough it was an accident because trying#to make it so it was on purpose you have to go through so many hoops to rationalize why chara would think this would work.#if that last bit makes any sense im giving up and doing my fuck ass math. if your going to think of chara as a manipulating abuser then the#supposed plan your giving them needs to make sense from their perspective and it DOESNT make sense from that pov.
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A bunch of Bats
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Little doodles I made while waiting for my dads court case to start ❤️
it was lowkey boring af but there was this massive cockroach on the wall so I just stared at that as it crawled all the way from the floor to the top of the 10ft tall ceilings and fall onto the opposing councils table cause they took my pen away 💔
I drew sad batblob when I got it back
anyway yeah, I’m highkey suffering with my insomnia and I lost my tablet charger so I can’t draw digitally for the time being (I still technically can but I’m rationing my battery for my lit finals digital draft of the traditional piece due in three weeks, the book it’s about is Les Miserables, I might start posting some classical lit stuff cause that’s what I’ve been thriving off of)
who’s y’all’s favorite bat?
#batblob#batman#bruce wayne#batfam#nightwing#jason todd#red hood#dick greyson#batfamily#tim drake#damian wayne#robin#dc universe#dc comics#dcu#dc fanart#batfam doodles#my dad is going back to court in two weeks#My mom is taking my brother to get surgery#And I’m stuck watching two tiny gremlins#till my Busha gets off work at least#I have homework and school#I’m missing math class#it’s devastating#i love my math teacher#She was gonna bring me coffee….#I miss her#sigh#and I have to get my biology final done#wtf is going on
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My Hogwarts Legacy MC ✨Serena Kosmos ✨
#i've been trying to create this for MONTHS#i've just realized this is the first ever character sheet i've ever drawn and it was so much fun to do#fun fact: Serena's hair brooch is based on my first ever tattoo that i designed to commemorate my first year teaching public school#Luna the cat is based on a very real stray cat that lives near me. She likes to visit my yard and garden and soak up the sun and chase bugs#she even has the little white star on her forehead 😭 its too precious#Serena absolutely HATES the merlin trials#puzzles frustrate her#the only math she accepts is music math#i always thought it would be funny to have a MC who wasn't really interested in magic#serena really doesn't like that she has ancient magic powers. she wishes she could go back to a simpler time when all she did was practice#she usually gets along with everyone#but a certain Slytherin boy knows how to poke her buttons#hogwarts legacy fanart#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy mc#hogwarts legacy oc#my art#serena kosmos#hphl oc#hphl mc#hufflepuff#hufflepuff mc#hufflepuff oc
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hi this is a post saying i will not b online((or try)) until i get my g.e.d.
i love u all if i uh, yk never return
hugs hugs many sweet dreams & good mornings!
#i had a much longer post then realized no1 wants 2 read all that long#i dont want 2 like fill the tags w/reasons y im suddenly doing this#hell i might regret this & delete it a minute l8r#but like. i need my highschool diploma#ive failed school like all the way through. my entire school career looks good in concept but its not#shit im going 2 start crying again#<- that is also y#i keep crying i keep like getting rlly sad & self#destructive & idk how 2 fix that so im doing this so no1 hears my whining#uhhh pray 4 me 2 pass ig lol#hugs hugs hugs mnay hugs#this feels like a final goodbye bc my self confidence is so bad jdjfiosk#summer school; switching classes bc of bad grades; getting expelled; having numerous teacher conferences; having my teachers talk 2 me like#im their kid just bc my mother works @ the school ohh my god that hurt the most & made me want 2 go monkey mode#point is im not good @ school & never have been & it stresses me out & im so scared#im so afaid im crying just thinking about sitting in a class#i love learning i love ideas i love questions MY FAVORITE SUBJECT IS MATH but im just so scared 4 some reason#& idk if ill b able 2 do it#i can barely see my screen help djchis#anyways im going 2 try my best bc i want 2 talk 2 my friends & uhm thats rlly it#but i cant do that unless i get better so im going 2 try 2 not#i ended up rambling in the tags blehhh#niko is also w/me rn as always & i will give him all the kisses &love i can so nobody worry about that#watch me take this post back in a day bc the internet has been 1 of my only safe soaces#this is so pathetic kanfkf & me saying so does not make it any less so#i just jumped out of the car & walked 2 hrs home crying bc im an actual disaster rn#like what if everything im thinking rn makes no sense#i mean not the school thing#i need 2 do that#i need 2 stop stalling
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This was originally going to be part of the second half of this post listing all the things which are both left unresolved by the end of The Bad Batch and conveniently just to happen to be tied directly to Tech. That post was getting unwieldy, though, and I think I’m just going to be breaking up the different sections into their own posts.
So, with the disclaimer that I’m arguing that Tech is alive and still coming back and was always planned to be, just on a longer timeframe than any of us expected: One smaller thing that I think needs resolution is the inherent conflict between Tech’s willingness to put himself in harm’s way at the drop of a hat for the people he loves on the one side, and his intense will to live and ability to pull a win out of an impossible situation on the other.
Because Tech is very often willing to put himself on the line when there’s something threatening the others. We arguably see this as far back as “Aftermath” where his solution to dealing with the new problem of the practice droids having live rounds and the batch’s weapons being useless against them is to reprogram one of the practice droids—good—and then get on its shoulders so he can steer and aim, which is necessary for making the plan work but also makes him a bigger target. Then there’s (arguably) “Cut and Run,” where he decides the best way to get access to the chain codes is to get the ship impounded and risk getting caught (this one goes a little sideways because Echo is involved and Omega unexpectedly tags along; “Spoils of War,” where he runs out into the woods with a broken femur because Echo and Omega might need his help; “Faster,” where he repeatedly risks his life in a race to keep a mafia don from coming after his family (and to save Cid); “The Crossing,” where he jumps down a chasm after Omega; arguably “Metamorphosis,” where he goes to turn the power on alone knowing that there’s something dangerous on the ship; and of course “Plan 99.” And probably a number of other times I’m not remembering off the top of my head.
But, the thing is, we never see Tech just being reckless or giving up in a no win situation. In almost if not all of these cases there’s a calculated risk and a tendency to fight to survive the whole time it’s happening. Yes, he’s visibly spooked during the whole power-up sequence in “Metamophosis” and runs headlong into the zillo beast at one point later, but he’s also ready to fight anything that comes around a corner and is actually the one to everyone out from being cornered by the zillo by simply keeping his head on his shoulders. The riot race is incredibly dangerous, yes, and taking that left tunnel even more so, but he knows what he has to do to win and make it out alive, and does so, confidently, in his way, with aplomb, despite Omega and Wrecker begging him not to the entire time. He gets cornered and just about collapses from the pain in “Spoils of War,” but he powers through, takes the other troopers out, and ends up winning that close fight behind the tree despite being at as severe a disadvantage as he was. He doesn’t let himself pass out until he’s taken care of the immediate danger to himself and the others.
(Slight sidebar here, but I think killing that poor trooper is probably the most harrowing thing we see Tech do, and probably the best indication of how hard he’ll fight to live if he has to. It’s rough and dirty, he’s badly hurt and pinned down, he’s farther away from the blaster, and in all likelihood he probably doesn’t want to kill that guy. But he does, and he fights through that broken leg, because dying is the other option and he’s not about to do that.)
Furthermore, Tech is almost always the one providing solutions to the no-win scenarios in which the batch finds itself. Flanked by droids and trapped by a huge drop? No problem, we’ll jump and let these flying reptiles carry us out. We’re about to be incinerated alive? Nah, we’ll just blow the cone off and roll around away from the blast. Wrecker’s about to be overwhelmed by weird cave bugs? Here’s a flash bomb. Zeffo Giraffe rampage? Well okay, we put the crystal back. Lists of people are going to get killed by a tsunami? Okay, we give them multiple avenues to get to safety. And so on and so forth.
That’s a guy who’s looking for solutions and exit strategies, not someone who’s ready to lay down and accept the inevitable. And the thing is, Tech’s deliberate optimism and one-in-a-million plans? They work. The story pretty firmly establishes that he’s a master at pulling whatever win he can from unwinnable situations. And there’s a natural tension between that—the tendency to fight and find a way to survive even against terrible odds—and being as self-sacrificial as he is.
Now, you could say that this tension was resolved in “Plan 99.” He’s a soldier and he sacrificed himself, therefore the resolution comes out in favor of the self sacrificial side. Except…eh, not quite.
This could have been resolved in “Plan 99.” Easily resolved, in fact. Show Tech accepting that he’s about to die. Have him embrace it, say goodbye, take his helmet off and keep looking at them all as he’s falling (or, hey, change the circumstances so that he actually dies instead of falling into the Ambiguous Mists alive). Have his last line be something about how the others need to keep the mission going or saying goodbye.
Instead, what we get out of Tech’s current last line is a little defiant. “When have we ever followed orders?”* Basically, “You can’t stop me from doing this.” “I know what I am doing. It’s called ‘strategy.’” He closes his eyes for a second as he falls but then he very deliberately flips himself over—which is what you’re supposed to do if you find yourself falling from that high. It gives you a better chance to control your speed and steer. He’s not surrendering, he’s trying to take control of the situation in any way he can.
Which means that inherent tension is still at play. Yes, he’s sacrificing himself and taking a huge risk for the people he loves. Yes. He’s trying to find them all a way out of this impossible situation. And yes, he’s going to fight to live the whole way down, no matter how bad his chances are.
If that’s a tension you don’t resolve in “Plan 99,” then, well—you’ve got to resolve it somewhere. At this point, after he comes back is the only place you could.
*I can’t emphasize how weird it would be to have a character’s actual last line forever for good be a question, especially if it’s one left without an answer. Meanwhile if Tech was CX-2 and lived (and is still alive) you actually end up with a really interesting answer to it.
#the bad batch#tech lives#any just been turning this over in my head#if faster had gone differently I might not think this#but the takeaway from faster was basically#‘tech will do anything for his family BUT ALSO he’s the biggest damn badass on the team’#‘Tech is the coolest and will get shit done’#‘doubt him at your peril’#anyway I think this could go an interesting direction if/when we get Tech back and if it turns out he got CX’d#where we potentially at that point have Tech doing weighted mental math#(where his life weighs less than everyone else’s)#and wondering if it would have been better than everyone else if he had just given in and died#because if he was CX-2 then he killed Rex’s men#invaded Pabu#kidnapped Omega#cut off Crosshair’s hand#and eventually having to come to the conclusion that no#it’s better that he lived despite all of that#and having to learn to value his own life a little
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the most gorgeous man I've ever known sent me a drunk voice message hurt that i left my job at the bar he goes to without telling him and adding that he saw me on tv speaking about palestine, which turned into me telling my ex boss to give him my number, and the sober voice message was much worse because this sweet guy just tells me that he's so proud of me and then i can feel him like talking with a constricted throat saying he understands that i left and closes with "from the river to the sea" and doesn't it just suck that some things have no hope of ever beginning and yet still end somehow
#there is literally no way something could have come of it he lives in that pub and i don't want to go back there#he has addiction problems and I never had a relationship with anyone#it still sucks that these are facts cause i liked him a lot. and also im not kidding when i say he is the hottest dude I've ever seen.#this is maybe the first time i wish i was heterosexual and/or have less impulse control#radio live transmission#sorry over sharing again cause the psychologist still has to tell me when the first appointment will be#(they kinda also told me i dont really need one which is funny bc the first time i try not to do things alone in my life#bc im pretty sure this hyper self reliant and aloof behavior might be a problem and im told actually im doing splendid.#i won at therapy ig)#also i told everyone there that i moved back home because im a lying liar and#thank god he still hasn't done the math that he saw me on tv still in turin#ive had Cold as Ice by the Foreigners playing on loop the entire day trying to get back in character#like. you'd think if i HAVE to experience something close to heartbreak then at least i could have had sex with the#hottest guy in the city. no. i just get the half assed symptoms of it after having conversations with him every weekend for three months#ranging from his cocaine addiction to police violence to the one time he was staring at nothing by the store room where i went to pick stuf#and he offered to take me to miami and i panicked and joked that he didnt have the money and left.#this sucks.
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i will NEVER not be pissed that most colleges cost about 40k A YEAR on average and that if YOUR PARENTS make over 120k AS A GROSS INCOME you're practically immediately disqualified for need-based aid???? like do you really believe anybody can afford to throw an entire third of their annual income to their kid's schooling, when they probably have several thousands of dollars in loan debt themselves??? in THIS economy??? eggs are fucking $7 a dozen where i am right now but GOD FUCKING FORBID i get any financial aid because "well your upper class" NEWS FLASH 120K IS THE NEW MIDDLE CLASS AND JUST BECAUSE MY PARENTS MAKE OKAY MONEY NOW DOESN'T MEAN FUCK ALL WHEN I CAN REMEMBER ALL THE NIGHTS THEY DIDN'T EAT WHEN I WAS GROWING UP BECAUSE THEY ONLY HAD ENOUGH FOOD TO FEED ME AND MY SISTERS I need to hold everyone involved at gunpoint because i really don't think a single fucking one of them understands "oh but you have money :/" there's literally a reason i work FULL FUCKING TIME while double majoring and it's because my parents can't even send me money for fucking groceries, let alone fork out FORTY FUCKING THOUSAND DOLLARS GOD DAMN YEAR for a degree that'll be FUCKING WORTHLESS in three years anyway i worked my ASS off and graduated with a 4.7 to get scholarships because i knew that's the only way i'd realistically be able to afford school. and then the fucking fafsa goes "oh but you have money in your savings! you can pay for your own school" bitch i have 4k and it's for my fucking rent!!!! my parents have like $600 in savings do YOU SEE THE ISSUE that's what being forced into credit card debt for 20 years fucking does it puts you in an unescapable hole so even when you're making good money YOU DON'T GET SHIT!!!!!! NOT TO MENTION THE ABYSMAL CREDIT SCORES MY PARENTS HAVE SO GOOD FUCKING LUCK TRYING TO GET LOANS FOR ME!!! COSIGNER? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF HER IM GOING TO KILL PEOPLE!!!!!!
#sponsored by me working on transfer applications and the fafsa telling me to go fuck myself ✨✨#i need to strangle ever single fucking person in charge of uni pricing#give me ONE fucking reason your school costs 40k a year when you have thousands of undergrads#'non-profit' my FUCKING ASS lets do the math.#i currently go to a small school so 4500 undergrads (rounded down)#tuition ALONE is 43k. not to mention housing and food#but i'll be generous#so 4500 x 43000 = 193.500.000....which is ONE HUNDRED AND NINTY THREE AND A HALF MILLION DOLLARS??????#there's 315 full time faculty and 240 part time#i've talked to professors and the MOST tenured ones here make about 130k a year#so JUST FOR A MOMENT LETS ASSUME EACH FACULTY MAKES 130K.... (240+315)(130000) = 72.150.000#OKAY SO 193M - 73M = 120 MILLION LEFT OVER AND I KNOW GOD DAMN WELL THAT NOT ALL OF THAT GETS PUT BACK INTO THE SCHOOL#THE DECREPIT FALLING APART DORMS AND CLASSROOMS??? THERE ARE FUCKING RATS IN THE ONE BUILDING LIKE HUH?????#NOT TO MENTION THAT YOU ONLY PROVIDE HOUSING FOR 2 YEARS AND ARE LOCATED IN THE SECOND MOST EXPENSIVE CITY FOR RENTERS IN THE US...........#'we're non-profit :)' MOTHERFUCKERS WHERE IS THAT 120 MILLION DOLLARS FUCKING GOING THEN. EAT MY DICK
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship
#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it#it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper#provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the#interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after#50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked#his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it#he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from#when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has#his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever#but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how#we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe#cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna#back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed#practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence#we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one#who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted#to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say#goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa#the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding#his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.
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can someone tell me how to keep going if your hardwork does pay off but you don't feel anything when you achieve your goal just relief and numb again
#ive been having a bad week again since the exam ugh😭#im really really REALLY trying to study but a little head in my voice keeps saying what is even the point of working so hard#which is soooo ridiculous because it's bc i worked so hard that i got great marks#but like. i didn't feel happy like i thought would. i just felt like 'oh. okay. cool'#and then i just. didn't even have anyone around me to celebrate with#which is idk kinda dumb i guess it's just an online exam#but like see. there are technically total 8 exams to become. um to get my degree#and i just cleared 1 of them#like that was a full 100 marks paper i studied for of that level and i did it#ive just never done this before not since this course ive always scored JUST above passing (not counting the times#i literally failed twice lol)#so yeah anyway it is big for me. but why doesn't it feel like anything 😭😭😭#and why hasn't this motivated me to work harder😭😭😭#idk i thought i had gotten over the 'just do it. just do it!!! just. do. it.' phase i was getting so many things done#but it feels back to square one now#man that book about habits was so right don't have goals have habits because when you do achieve your goal#you'll be like well now what? and slip right back into bad habits again#that's exactly what happened#i used to think lol achieve my goal that's never gonna happen im a shit person and a failure#but like what the hell!!! i did!!! so now what😭😭😭#i think i need a hug#but ive never really hugged anyone except one person and she's 4 years away now#i think i need. my dad to tell me he's proud of me. but he's already forgotten about it so that's not gonna happen#man the day i stop craving external validation. it's over for yall#ugh yuck i used to hate the word validation it always sounded so desperate and needy and pathetic. guess it was just#another form of self loathing lol#im not even sad im like genuinely asking. im trying to solve it like a math problem. like does anyone have the answer
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forced myself to wake up and leave my warm cozy blanky at 3:30 am in the winter to speedrun my syllabus because they gave us 12 hours to prep for our endsem are yall proud of me
#not to mention ive baaaaarely gotten sleep the past few nights because its been back 2 back exams every day#forget afternoon naps i havent even been getting more than 4 hours at NIGHT#and i am a bitch that values sleep above all else#and i got no time to prep the syllabus beforehand because of all our never ending fucking assignments#including yk. the full fledged GAME they made us code from scratch in 3 weeks without teaching us anyyy of the required tools or languages#literally speedran an entire math course with everything from number theory and graph theory to fucking induction and combinatorics#in like. 4 hours and gave my endsem NOT EVEN 12 HOURS BACK AND IT WAS 50% OF OUR FUCKING GRADE#and now i have to do it againnn for the third exam in a row at 9:30 in the fucking morning#which btw i realized LAST NIGHT. because our datesheet said the exam was at 2:30 but theyre doing it in batches#so i dont even have the morning to revise and need to pull this shit#AND THEN EVEN FOR THE COURSES WHERE I SOMEHOW COVER THE ENTIRE SYLLABUS THOROUGHLY THEY WILL GIVE THE MOST OUT OF POCKET BULLSHIT#THAT YOUVE NEVER HEARD OF IN YOUR LIFE#and after THIS exam i have to speedrun linear algebra and teach it to a bunch of kids by tomorrow morning#granted that one is on me because i couldve said no but ugh#college hateposting#in other news my ex crush wore a suit yesterday and she looked so hot she almost made me relapse into lesbianism#but i digresssssss#x am rambles#man ive missed ranting about shit on tumblr i should come back here more often
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Does anyone else automatically size themselves up with people their age and look for ways that you’re inferior to them? Just me? Ok….
#the reasons why I think like this are…complicated#honestly a lot to do with the#adhd struggle bus#surprise surprise the neurodevelopmental condition has overarching and very specific effects on my life and how I interact with the world#of course disclaimer that this weird thing I have is not inherent to adhd#but maybe is a way of thinking I developed in part due to it#this is a me thing if anyone else relates to this fine but you don’t have to#I think thi oversharing series is a way for me to microdose journaling#I try to get into journaling but I have way too many thoughts#it’s all or nothing either I write nothing or I spend 3 hours documenting everything thought I had that week#I think a lot of this has to do with my persistent issues with time management#and I’ve tried to hide this struggle in a lot of ways because ngl it’s embarrassing#to the point where I held myself back from doing certain things I wanted to do because ‘hmm could you handle it though you’re already#struggling to manage in school with the bare minimum. maybe you just suck’#and this is probably because I went to a college prep school so yeah#there were 14 year olds taking multivariable calculus and people with various talents#to say that I was intimidated would be an understatement. it’s strange because while in middle school my self esteem was decent it dropped#in high school like how stock prices dropped in the beginning of Covid#even though I was like an ok kid I somehow convinced myself that I was dumb and inept#all because I struggled with one area in my life#honestly I’m not sure if I can paint a clear picture of this time. for one#memories are complex. but I do remember feeling that way and needing a lot of support to be hyped up#fuck#I’m now remembering how my aunt used to be that person. she was my cheerleader growing up and practically raised me in childhood#she passed away from cancer right when I turned 15#shit I’m crying now#during this time in my life I needed a lot of reassurance since I took any small failure as a sign from the universe that I was indeed inept#it was her and my middle school friend who used to rant to me about dragon ball and pewdiepie that hyped me up#my parents were a mixed bag. unfortunately they too sorta overreacted to things like getting a B in math. they used to make me feel like#uchiha-gaeshi overshares
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