#i have spent 15 years working so hard to be perfect

[tiarasnteakettles]

Time for a little controversy.

One thing I'm starting to realize is not everyone is like me. Not everyone reads a post fully for context, or pays attention to when and what and where. Most people don't assume that they don't know the entire picture when reading things online.

Worse still, sometimes they don't do these things simply because they would rather believe you're a bad person in some way.

I realize now that no matter how hard I work to be transparent, to show receipts, to prove I am not spending my money on dumb things. No matter how much I try to present as this perfect poor person who never takes a day off nor ever spends an unnecessary dime, people just don't care.

They will barely scan over your posts and make their negative assumptions because they WANT to. They don't care enough to read. To check other posts. To pay attention or investigate something. Or hell, to just ask. They are dedicated to viewing you as wrong, bad, lazy, or stupid and they don't want to make any effort to correct it.

The eureka moment here is that I'm tired of being a victim. I'm tired of being disrespected.

You think Patreon is just me sitting on my ass and begging for handouts while refusing to work a REAL job?

Fine.

You think I spend all my money on dumb shit and that's why I can't pay my bills?

Fine.

You think there's nothing wrong with me and I'm a fraud who doesn't want to work?

Fine.

I realize now that no matter how hard I try, there are still going to be people who don't care enough to understand a situation. They just don't.

If I do the things they think I do, they will hate me.

If I am the most frugal person you know, they will still hate me.

Nothing I do matters because these people will always think the worst of me anyways, so fuck it!!

I'm not staying home wallowing and wishing I was allowed to have nice things for myself anymore. I am no longer going to abstain so these people have no criticism. I'm getting criticized all the same.

So sure Jan, I'm always going to cons constantly.

I'm always taking vacations and buying things I don't need.

Whatever! Make that shit up and then choke on the turds.

Anyways, I'm not cancelling my trip. Fuck it. --

And just to be crass here's the fuckin link to chip in on my trip (if you want)

[seungkw1]

you're so sweet, but... — hvc

♡ pairing: bf!vernon x afab!reader ♡ theme: smut ♡ wc: 3.1k ♡ warnings: brat!reader, brattamer!vernon, sub!reader, softdom!vernon, praise kink, degradation kink, slight exhibitionism, unprotected piv sex (do not do this), fingering (f. receiving), gagging (f. receiving), lots of spit going on, body worship, spanking, manhandling, hair pulling, head pushing, nipple play, doggy, riding, dacryphilia, oral (m. receiving/f. receiving implied), cum swallowing, slight possessiveness, pet names (princess, babygirl, good girl, slut), minor fluff at the end ♡ a/n: ummmm yeah so here’s the vernon fic i’ve talked about writing for a while i kinda went feral hope u like it !! :)

Your sweet, wonderful boyfriend always treats you so well - but you secretly wish he would be a little bit meaner sometimes. One day while he’s working from home, you decide to take matters into your own hands.

“How long is the call?”

“Shouldn't be more than an hour.”

You pout at your boyfriend, tugging at his arm, trying to drag him away from work. 

“That's too longgggg,” you whine. 

“Sorry babe, duty calls.”

You cross your arms, rolling your eyes at him. “Vernon, you can't just say duty calls about a Zoom meeting.”

Vernon turns around, taking your hands in his as he steps back toward you. He leans in and gives you a big kiss on the lips. 

“Love you.”

He spins you around and sends you off with a light tap on the butt. 

“It's a good thing you're cute,” you say, looking back at him with a grin. He gives you a playful smile before shutting the door, leaving it slightly ajar. 

You last about 15 minutes. Ever since you moved in with your boyfriend, you hadn't spent much time apart from him at all - so when you went on a trip with friends, you didn't realize how much you'd miss him. You were only gone a week, but it was enough to drive you nuts - and make you stupidly horny. 

You lay upon your bed, caressing yourself lightly through your clothes, imagining Vernon was here on top of you, stripping your clothes off so he can worship your crevice of your body. He always is so good to you, speaking soft, sweet praises as he fucks you: 

“You’re taking me so well, baby.”

“You look so pretty riding me like this.”

“That’s it, cum for me darling.”

It’s incredibly hot, and you're so grateful to have such a loving partner who prioritizes your pleasure above everything. 

However…

You’ve never admitted this to him, but sometimes you wish he would be a bit meaner. 

Vernon is well aware that you have a praise kink - it pairs perfectly with his love of complimenting you. But recently you’ve started dreaming of your sweet, wonderful boyfriend calling you a dirty little slut as he throws you around, pins you down to the bed, fills your pussy up with cum and then fucks it into you all over again. And it really turns you on. 

You’ve been hesitant to share this with him - only because you don't know if it’s something he'd be into. In the year or so you've been together, he has never spoken down to you in any way - the man simply doesn't have a mean bone in his body. You worry it would upset him if you expressed this desire to him and he couldn't deliver. 

You ponder this as you lay there, fantasizing about being dominated, degraded, fucked so hard you forget your own name. You don’t even have to touch yourself to know how wet this is making you.

A very debaucherous idea suddenly comes to you. 

You think about it for a minute. You know you probably shouldn't do it, but you're feeling so depraved right now that you don't even care. 

You hop to your feet, making your way back to Vernon’s office. The door is still unlatched. Praying the hinges aren't creaky, you slowly push it open about halfway, enough to bring your whole body into view. You see him sitting at the desk’s chair, looking a bit bored but focused, his posture pin-straight and perfect as always. His eyes flicker over to you as he notices you standing there. He looks at you with concern - you never interrupt him when he’s at work unless it's something urgent. He tilts his head slightly, silently asking you if something is wrong. 

You bite your lip to hide the smirk creeping upon your face. You slowly lift your shirt, sliding it above your bra to reveal your tits. His eyes widen. He’s still on camera, so he doesn't let himself react more than than, but you can tell he’s getting flustered already. 

You pull your shirt over your head, dropping it to the floor. Your hands make their way to your jeans, unfastening them, slowly dragging the zipper down. Vernon stares at you, shaking his head as subtly as possible. 

Don't do it, his face reads. 

Doing it anyway, you start pulling your jeans off, caressing your hips seductively as you slide the pants down your legs. As you kick the jeans off, you pull your underwear up tight against your cunt, showing off the existing wet spot - making it even wetter as the thin fabric sticks to your soaked folds. Your pussy is all but on full display. 

Vernon’s ears burn bright red. He tries to ignore you, turning back to his computer. 

“Sorry, can you repeat the question?” he asks somebody on the call, his voice straining to remain unwavering. You hear a muffled voice in his headphones, repeating what they just asked. Vernon gives an abrupt nod and answers the question. 

You wait until he finishes his response. Once he’s done speaking, you see his attention start to drift back over to you. You reach behind you, releasing the hook of your bra. Your breasts fall softly out of the garment as you slide it off; you toss the bra toward Vernon, not quite far enough for it to be spotted in the webcam, but daringly close. 

The flush begins to spread to his neck. He maintains a cool facade, but you can tell he is stewing inside. You smirk, pleased with yourself for managing to make him so distraught so easily. 

He answers another question, shifting in his seat slightly to accommodate the growing erection in his pants.  

You take a step into the room. He shoots you a panicked look. You take another step, reaching over to the desk. You lean over and- 

Pewwww. 

With a sad sounding noise, the entire computer shuts off. You release the power button. Vernon stares at the black screen for a moment, in shock. He turns back to you, shock washing over his face. 

“What the fuck are you doi-”

You disappear from the doorway in an instant. Vernon runs after you. 

“Hey!!”

He chases you into the bedroom. 

“What the hell was that for??”

“I dunno,” you reply, grinning at him coyly. “Just felt like it.”

“You can't just interrupt when I’m in a meeting like that! What if it was important??”

“Was it?”

“No, but-”

“See? You’ll be fine. Just say your internet went out.”

He purses his lips shut. “That’s not the point. You could have gotten me in huge trouble.”       

“Oh no,” you say cheekily, poking him in the chest. “I guess you'll just have to put me in my place then.”

Vernon looks at you, his expression shifting from anger to disbelief. He lets out a huff. 

“So that’s what you want,” he responds incredulously. “You’re acting like a brat on purpose.”

You step forward, grinning as you get in his face. 

“Now you get it.”

“Jesus y/n, that was too risky!” he scolds.  

You clasp your hand tightly on the bulge in his pants. He lets out a sharp groan. 

“Yeah, but you like it.”

He stares at you, trying to be upset, but his eyes start to glaze over as you squeeze his cock. 

“Now,” you continue, speaking softly. You lean in and let your lips linger in front of his. “Are you gonna fuck me or not?”

He stands there, mouth slightly agape, dumbstruck by your audacity. 

“I-”

Before he can continue, you start undoing the button on his jeans. You tug on the zipper, having to put a little extra effort in due to his hard cock straining to escape from the confines of the denim.  The zipper glides down over the bulging mass; he sighs at the relieving sensation. You pull the waistband of his boxers down just enough to free his tip - he's already leaking with precum. You collect it on your index finger and bring it up to your mouth, licking your finger clean. 

“God,” Vernon groans through gritted teeth, his cock twitching against his stomach. “You’re a fucking menace.”

He reaches for your core. He pulls your hopelessly drenched panties aside, dragging the pads of his fingers over your slit. 

“Look how fucking wet you are.”

You whimper as he slips his middle finger inside you. He slides it in and out a few times before adding his ring finger. You cry out as he curls his fingertips to hit your g-spot - he always knows how to touch you in your most sensitive spots to drive you fucking crazy. 

He starts fucking your pussy, the heel of his palm pressing deliciously against your clit with each motion of his hand. After several deep pumps he pulls his hand out - it’s already soaked. 

“Open,” he commands. 

You open your mouth and stick your tongue out. He shoves his fingers inside. You latch onto them, sucking your own juices off. He pushes further into your mouth, making you gag. Your eyes start to water. 

By the time he pulls out, his hand is coated with your spit. A big string of saliva sticks to his fingers; it breaks, the remainder dribbling down your chin. Vernon leans in, slipping his tongue into your mouth, dragging it around the inside of your teeth.  He reaches for your cunt again, gently circling your clit. His spit-covered fingertips glide easily over the bud, the stimulation making your pussy clench around nothing. 

“Oh my god,” you moan into his mouth. You start grinding your cunt against his fingers. “Just fuck me already.”

You whine as he pulls his hand away. Grabbing you by the hips, he pushes you over to the bed. He practically throws you onto the mattress. He pulls his jeans and boxers down in one go, yanking them off hurriedly. His shirt quickly joins the discarded clothes on the floor. Standing fully nude before you now, he slowly begins stroking his cock. With one finger he reaches beneath the crotch of your underwear, pulling the elastic back. The cool air of the room stings pleasantly against your wet cunt. He releases; you jump slightly as it snaps back against your pussy. 

“Get rid of these.”

You don't move. “Do it for me.”

He stares down at you, his eyes filled with lust.

“Fine,” he growls.

He reaches for you, running his hands up the sides of your thighs. You lift yourself up a bit so he can strip your panties off - but instead he grasps you by the hips, flipping you over onto your stomach.

He nearly rips your underwear off, not bothering to remove them, but sliding them down just enough to expose your cunt. He smacks you on the ass, hard. You let out a small cry at the stinging sensation.

“You like that?” he asks as he traces his fingernails over the tender area.

“Mhmm,” you mumble into the sheets.

He grabs you by the hair, yanking your head up.

“Speak up, princess.”

“Yes,” you whine. 

He spanks you again, even harder this time. Your skin begins to burn where his hand struck you.

“More,” you plead.

He leans over, gripping your hair in his fist still as he speaks softly into your ear.

“Oh I don’t think so,” he mutters. The hair on the back of your neck stands up. “You’ve been very bad today, I’m not just going to give you what you want so easily.”

He grabs his cock in his other hand, leading the tip to your heat. He strokes it over your entrance a few times, the combination of your juices and spit coating his cockhead. He pushes into you slightly to tease you, but you’re so wet that it slips right in. You cry out at the sensation; he lets out a long moan as he slowly pushes further, making you take his full length. He rests for a moment with your pussy wrapped around his whole cock, breathing deeply.

“God your pussy is so perfect,” he whispers into your ear. “And it’s all mine, isn’t it babygirl?”

“Y-yeah,” you whimper. “All yours.”

“Good,” he grumbles. “A good little slut all for me.”

He begins to fuck you, slowly at first, sliding in and out of you, making you feel every inch of him. Quickly though his pace increases, thrusting into you with powerful strokes, his hand unreleasing in your hair. Your legs start to quiver as his cock hits you in the perfect spot each time. You grasp onto the sheets, desperately clinging to them as your boyfriend fucks you like never before, your cries muffled into the mattress. Vernon pulls you up again, your moans filling the air as he wraps his other arm around your torso, squeezing your breasts as he holds you tight against him. He plays with your nipples, pinching them and rolling the bud around between his thumb and index finger. You already start to feel your orgasm approaching when he releases your tits, sliding his hand down your stomach and reaching for your clit.

“Fuck I’m so close,” you cry out between an unholy symphony of moans. Vernon groans as he fucks you even harder, his cock pounding into you as his fingertips flutter over your sensitive bud. Your screams escalate, so near to your climax - but before you can cum he pulls his cock out of you; he rests it against your ass, dragging your wetness all over your skin. He flips you around again to face him, throwing you onto the pillows. 

“Not yet,” he tells you as he climbs over you. He lays beside you, grabbing your arms and hoisting you on top of him. “Wanna see your pretty little face when you cum for me.”

You straddle him, sitting with your pussy resting upon his shaft. He laces his fingers through yours, holding your hands as he pulls you toward him. You begin to rock your hips back and forth, sliding your cunt up and down his length. Your clit pulsates as his hardness presses against it with each movement.

“Want you to cum like this,” he mutters, his eyelids halfway closed as your pussy strokes his cock. He grips onto your hands tightly, supporting you as you pleasure yourself upon him. You grind against him, your cunt throbbing, begging for release. A burning sensation builds in your gut; your mind starts to go blank - the only thing you can think about is Vernon, laying under you as he watches you unravel atop him, losing all composure on his cock.

“I’m gonna cum,” you wail. You relinquish all control, letting your orgasm take over. Your body trembles as every nerve in your body is set ablaze like fireworks. You scream out your boyfriend’s name as you release over him, cumming long and hard, your climax seemingly endless.

You start to come down, breathing heavily as you recover from your high. You collapse onto Vernon, laying your body on his chest as you bury your face in his neck. He lets go, sliding his hands around you, squeezing you against him in a tight embrace. He lets you catch your breath, but only for a moment. 

“Look at me,” he demands as he lifts you up to face him. Your face is undoubtedly a mess of tears, but Vernon thinks you’ve never looked more beautiful.

“Such a good girl for me,” he says as he plays with your breasts. His cock twitches against his stomach, painfully hard, straining for release. “Should I give you my cum now, love?”

“Please,” you beg.

“Where do you want it, baby?”

You open your mouth wide and exaggeratedly stick your tongue out. 

“Fuck,” Vernon groans. “Whatever you want, babygirl.”

Quickly you climb off of him, kneeling between his legs as he sits upon the edge of the bed. You take his cock in your hand, giving him a few pumps as you take his balls in your mouth. You lick up his length, letting his tip rest against your swollen, wet lips as you look up at him with big doe eyes. He brushes your hair out of your face.

“So beautiful.”

You stick your tongue out, giving his cock kitten licks as you gaze into his eyes. You then take his length in your mouth, swallowing him to his base.

“Oh fuckkkk,” he moans.

You look up at him as you suck his cock, gagging on his length and creating a mess of spit all over him. He stares at you as if he thinks you’re the most desirable thing in the universe - and to him, you are.

“Look at you, princess,” he coos. “So pretty with my cock in your pretty little mouth.”

You speed your pace, your head bobbing up and down faster and faster. Nothing matters more to you in the world right now than bringing him pleasure. His eyelids flutter as his eyes begin to roll back, soft moans emanating from his lips as he pushes your head down, making you take all of him with each stroke of your mouth. Grotesque sounds try to escape you, to no avail; the vibrations of your hums send Vernon over the edge. He lets out a string of “ah, ah, ah”s, getting louder as he gets closer and closer, until…

“Oh my goddddd.”

His hips jerk upwards as he releases, painting the back of your throat with hot white ropes of cum. His cock throbs in your mouth as you swallow his load. The pressure upon your head lessens as the tension in his body begins to fade. Giving you a final few spurts of cum, he relaxes; he pulls you back up onto the bed, taking you in his arms as he rolls over onto his side. He holds you against him, you as his little spoon, as he peppers your cheek with kisses. He whispers into your ear, his voice low and raspy.

“I fucking love you.”

You smile. “I fucking love you too, baby.”

He takes your chin in his hand as he turns your face toward his. He gives you a long kiss. As his lips part from yours, he squishes your face playfully.

“But don’t do that again,” he says with a grin.

You giggle. “I won’t - but next time I come home from a trip you have to fuck me right away.”

Vernon presses his nose against yours, his face dead serious. “Yes ma’am.”

You kiss him again. “Don’t you have to get back to work?”

He shakes his head. “Can’t work, the internet is out.”

“Oh yeah,” you grin back at him. “Bummer.”

“Besides,” he continues, shifting you onto your back and making his way down the bed, positioning himself between your legs. He wraps his arms around your thighs, pulling you up to his face.

“I’m starving.”

[hellodropbear]

like she used to

alexia putellas x sister

i have been writing this for ages and it has just sat in my documents folder since january. i don't usually post stuff i write so this will probably get taken down at some point. i've written 13k words so far but this is just the first 4k.

~~~~~~

I hadn't expected to get the call up, not at all really. But Mapi tore her meniscus and apparently the first team found themselves in need of a backup centre back and I was the best option from the B team. It's a compliment, really. Mami is very proud of me and she is excited for me and my sister to play together in a few weeks, even though she is still recovering from her surgery and I will probably not make it off the bench. I am only 15 and 10 months, usually they wait until you are at least 16 and a bit before you can play. 

But, I don't really know how to feel. Thankfully Alexia won't be in training with me for now and I try to avoid thinking about what will happen when she eventually gets better and I have to face her again.

Alexia is my older sister by a lot. There's a 14 year age gap between us and I used to completely and utterly idolise her. She and Alba were two superheroes, always by my side when I needed them. I put them on a pedestal like they were the greatest human beings to ever walk the planet. To me back then, they were. 

I was only four when my father died. All I remember from that time was the big black invisible sheet that hung outside his study and the dark and scary emotions that swallowed our house whole. Alba and Alexia would argue about who got to cuddle me at night and I was so unaware what was happening that I would happily agree, wiping away their tears when it all got too much. 

The death of our father made our family unit stronger. Mami, Ale, Alba and Elena - it was all any of us needed and we supported each other in whatever ways we could. 

Mami had to pick up more shifts at her job, so she couldn't pick me up from school. Alexia had just got her license so she would come in a break during training and pick me up in her training gear. 

Alexia didn't have time to drop me off at home so I would sit and watch the training with whoever wanted to give me company when they were injured. 

Most days, Alba would come and pick me up and take me on the bus all the way home. She would play cartoons on the TV as she sat at the table and did school work. Some days, when she had the time she would sit with me and watch Alexia's training and we'd all go home together. Alba used to say she enjoyed the training. Looking back, I think she just wanted a free ride home and an excuse to not do her homework. 

As I grew up, everything just worked. Alexia and Alba were still living at home as a support to Mami and everything was perfect. My sisters were my idols, my Mami was my shining star. She still is. She would do anything for her daughters, as long as it meant we were all happy. 

That is why it has been so hard for her over the past two years. 

I have not been happy, not really. My football has been thriving, I have represented my country in the under 17 age group and I am a consistent starter in the Barcelona B team. I spent two years in La Masia before they sent me to the B team last year and I have only been improving since. Everything is going well. Mami says I have had a better start to my career than Alexia did. 

Maybe that is why Alexia hates me. Maybe Mami is just saying that to make me feel better about it.

Alexia and I, despite the 14 year age gap, were always inseparable - for the first 12 years of my life. She was at every single school event, football game, she picked me up from trainings when she could and would train me herself in the garden. We shared a common passion that Alba was not interested in at all - we both love football, we eat, sleep and breath it. Football is everything. She was the one who gave me that mentality. 

"Football is life, Lena, you are lucky you are so good because now you also get to live football and hermanita, it is the most incredible thing." 

She had whispered that to me when I was 11. We were sat on the beach, a place we visited frequently throughout my childhood, both of us staring out at the reflection of the moon on the sea. Alba was fast asleep, her head in Alexia's lap as she snored lightly, completely oblivious to our conversation. 

It all fell apart over three years ago, although I don't have the first clue as to why. 

It was not an explicit event that ruined everything, more my older sister growing up and flying the nest that was so secure and established over years and years of shared success, happiness, failure and grief. She moved out of home long before that, but her split with Jenni upset her, I think, a great deal. I wouldn't know because she didn't really tell me anything - that was strictly Alba's business. 

I didn't even know they had broken up until 5 months after it actually happened. 

"Mami, why does Jenni never come over any more?" 

It was an innocent and normal question, but the look on my mother's face told me everything. Everything about Jenni and everything about my sister. 

I think that was the first knock. She hadn't done anything wrong but I had loved Jenni and Jenni had loved me. I would have thought that she would have told me they broke up. Maybe she didn't want to, maybe she just forgot. She does a lot of that these days. 

Before she and Jenni broke up, she still came to all of my games. She never missed one game before I transferred to La Masia and would insist on taking me out to ice cream after every one. She would tease me for not scoring like she does, even though I play as a centre back. 

"You need some training from Mapi, she is a centre back and has the most lethal free kick, hermanita! She is the best defender I have played with, but don't tell her I said that. I think you will grow up to be better than her." 

She was excited that day, I had made a few good saves and I think that was the first time she really saw that I had the potential to be great. 

I remember the first game she was late to. I noticed immediately but we both pretended she was on time - she only made it to the last 10 minutes but I put it down as traffic or being caught up at training. She was busy, it takes a lot to be La Reina. 

I remember the first game she missed entirely. She wasn't there at the beginning and she wasn't there at the end. I was 13 and I didn't have a phone yet so I couldn't call Mami and ask her to come pick me up because Alexia was too busy. I told myself it was because she was too busy. I didn't want to say she had forgotten because that was too hard for me to handle. 

I remember vividly sitting outside the stadium as the sun set. My coach had asked where my sister was, I was a bit stuck with what to say but I managed to convince her I was fine and she could go home. 

Alba came and picked me up after work that night. It was dark and she looked sad but when I asked if she was ok, she just shrugged her shoulders and said everything would be fine. 

I found out from Mami a few weeks later that Alba was sad because I had never once been forgotten anywhere. Alba saw that as the destruction of our strong family. I suppose she was not wrong. 

Alexia never said anything about that game but she was at the next. She didn't take me out for ice cream after, instead patting my head and telling me she would drop me off at Mami's work. 

"I have things to do, Elena, I am very busy. Hopefully soon Mami will let you catch the bus on your own. Maybe Alba can take you soon so you know the correct routes." 

Her words hurt more than I could admit to myself, I told myself to stop being pathetic. Mami asked why I was crying when I walked into her office. I told her I had played terribly and she comforted me. I think she knew I was lying. I think that is why she had tears in her eyes when she released me from her grip-like hold.

Since that day, Alexia has been to 3 of my games. She went to one more of my old club games but she was sat beside Alba, her eyes glued to her phone the entire match. I was so unfocused that the ball deflected off my face and we conceded. I was taken off with a bleeding nose but when I looked up in the stands, my sister was still staring at her phone. Alba had run down the stairs and was by my side when I entered the little sick bay. 

I cried then too. Most people thought it was because of the bleeding nose or the conceded goal. Alba knew that wasn't the real reason. 

The penultimate game she watched was the final of the under 15s Catalonia cup. I don't know what she did during the game because Mami told me not to look up. She said she didn't want me to get distracted but I think she meant to say she didn't want me to get hurt. 

I think I still idolised Alexia at that point in time. She was still my older sister and she was still the best player in the world. She still had weekly dinners at home, although she wouldn't sit next to me and sneakily take all the food I didn't want off my plate anymore. She stopped staying to watch a movie after dinner even though my favourite part of the week was falling asleep in her lap as her hands combed softly through my hair. 

I remember when I was accepted into La Masia, Mami held a nice big dinner. It was right in the middle of covid so it was technically illegal, but we had a lot of my family over. Mami invited a few of the Barcelona girls as well and Mapi and Leila reminded me of what it used to be like before Alexia stopped loving me. 

The reminder of the before was more painful than I liked to admit, and the night ended when the tears that had been burning in the back of my eyes finally spilled out as I was talking to Mapi. 

She immediately pulled me into her arms and asked what was wrong and I struggled to find a lie that would be believable. 

I settled on saying I was upset about everything changing - which I suppose was true. 

I remember Alexia looking mortified and breaking eye contact as soon as I looked at her. She told me off that evening when Mami was in the shower and Alba was talking to someone else. She told me I needed to be grateful for everything I have been given and that she paved the way for me. 

It was even worse when she said I would never achieve the things she has. She said it was because I didn't have the mentality that she did, that I had it all so easy. 

It hurt the most when she told me she was disappointed in the person I was. 

"I hope we never share a shirt, Elena, because the day you play in the first Barcelona team is the day that we have run out of players. It will mean that football players are week and female footballers can not be weak. You do not have it in you to be like me, to do what I have done to get to where I am."

The venom in her voice sent a cold shiver down my spine and I felt like I had been stabbed. I didn't cry that time. I waited until I was in my bedroom to sob my heart out. 

The last time she ever watched me play was the next day, but she didn't have an option not to. I played terribly, my first game as a La Masia student, my sisters words repeating over and over in my head. 

That was really what tipped the relationship I once shared with Alexia on its head. The pedestal I had put her on was destroyed and suddenly she was just another player. I barely saw her as my sister any more. She couldn't love me, you wouldn't be able to hurt someone you love so much. 

I have barely seen her since. She still comes to our family dinners on Thursday nights - she still very much loves Alba and our Mami. But I tell Mami that I have training with Barcelona B late on Thursdays. It finishes at 6 and dinner starts at 7, but I just organise to go to my friends' houses for dinner instead. 

Sometimes we both have dinner together at home, but it is awkward and I hate it. I think she has probably forgotten about what she said to me in June of 2021, but I don't think I will ever be able to. 

She doesn't like me, but it's ok because I have learnt to accept that. But I will never not love my sister because she was once everything to me. 

~~~~~~

"Pequena Putellas!" Patri's excited shriek is what welcomes me into the dressing room on my first day. She tackles me into a hug and squeezes me tight. "It has been such a long time, mi favorita!" 

The last time I saw Patri was only last year at the champions league final. I had sat with my whole family but I went to the bathroom when everyone else went and spoke to the players. I don't think Patri would have seen me. 

I can only smile as she continues. 

"I remember you as the little 8 year old who would sit and watch our training sessions after school! I was so confused by you when I first arrived here, you know. I remember the first time Ale let you play a game with us and you were so good!" 

"Nobody doubted that you would be on this team one day!" A new voice entered the conversation.

"Marta!" I hugged the brunette closely. She was always one of my favourites. 

"I am proud of you, pequena putellas." 

Her words are familiar as I have heard them out of my mothers voice time and time again my whole life. But they seem foreign coming from Marta and it is an unwanted reminder of my sister. I don't know why - maybe it is because I have always associated this Barcelona team with her. I don't remember the last time she said she was proud of me. 

I don't remember the last time she said anything to me, really. 

"Gracias, Marta, I have missed you." I bury my head into her neck and she holds me closer. 

"You have not been around as much since you transferred to La Masia. I wanted to come and watch but Ale never extended an invitation and I didn't want to overstep." I shake my heads at her words and she frowns. 

"Alexia doesn't have time for my games, she hasn't for a while. It takes a lot to be La Reina." 

Marta's frown deepens at my words and the attention of a few spanish players is captured. I should have spoken quieter, I forgot how many people in here speak catalan. 

"It is ok, she is very supportive, but she just can't come to my games. She makes it up in other ways." I am lying through my teeth but Marta will never know. 

"I am sure, she must be very proud of you, being selected in this team for the first time, it is a big deal, you are very young."

All I can do is nod, my energy is all being put into holding back my own tears. I don't know if Mami told her. I don't know if Alexia even knows that I was selected. 

"Get changed now, I am sure Jona will want to talk to you before the session, especially with the game tomorrow."

I nod again as Marta pats me on the back and walk over to the cubby that says my name. It feels a bit surreal, really. 

I never really thought I would see my name on a Barcelona cubby, accompanied by my new number that I chose in the meeting a few days ago. It was always a dream, but I never thought it was achievable. Alexia always seemed like a superstar, a superhuman of sorts and I would never reach that kind of level. 

But here I am in the team that I always wanted to be in - in no way am I anywhere near my sisters level but I am on my way to being like her. I just wish she cared. I wish she was proud of me like Marta is. 

Her cubby sits across from me and I try to tear my eyes from it but it sits and stares right back at me. I feel like an intruder in Alexia's space, this is not for me, she would not want me to be here. 

I tie my laces quickly after that and head out onto the pitches to begin training. 

I have trained with the first team twice before, but the Barcelona Bs were always slightly seperate and we could keep our distance from the first players. Jonatan is a familiar face and I feel comfortable as he smiles and me and motions for me to follow the others to the gym. 

It is weird, being promoted within my own club. I am not so much a new signing, but a replacement - I am not good enough to be in the first team but they had no other options when Mapi injured herself. 

I used to worry that people would say I only get opportunities because my last name is Putellas. When my sister told me I was weak all those years ago, that idea sort of cemented in my head, I suppose. 

I never told my Mami what her daughter said to me because it would upset her. I told Alba half of it when she found me crying in my room a few days later but made her promise to not tell anyone. She couldn't say anything to Mami, Alexia, anyone at all because it would only make Alexia think I was weaker. 

She was furious and tried to tell me it was untrue but it had already been said. I believed Alexia's word more than anyone else. To me, she was a superhuman. 

But when I spoke to Jonatan a few days ago he made me feel like I was wanted within this squad. He made it clear that he wants me to integrate completely into the squad in the next few years and that he can see me playing soon even though I am only 15. 

I told him I didn't want anything special because of my surname. 

He told me that he chose me because of my first name. 

"Elena Putellas,"  he said with a grin, "you may be as good as her, but you are not your sister. This is a professional environment. As long as you perform, which I know you will, nobody will care what your name is."

It was a big boost to my confidence. 

Aitana Bonmati caught up to me quickly as I walked to the gym. 

"You are big now." I chuckled but did not look over, I didn't need to really. "But not that big. You are only 15, si?"

"Yes, I am 15." 

I met Aitana when she first joined the club. She always used to say that she would steal me and take me home with her because she thought I was adorable. It is strange that I am now sort of in the same team as her. 

She started playing for the first team when I was 8. I was older then, I played my own football and liked staying with Alexia so I could kick a ball around with her teammates when they were done. 

Aitana was one of the few who would stay every time I was there. When Alexia didn't want to wait she would drive me home herself, all the way to the other side of Barcelona. We would always stop for ice cream on the way home. 

"I have not seen you in too long, Lena. I have missed you a lot but you have been doing very well in the B team. I am very proud and I take credit for your abilities." She spoke in such a dead pan voice but it was somehow still filled with emotion. 

"I have missed you too, ABC." It was a nickname I gave her the first time she drove me home. I had been learning about the alphabet in English class and had the little song stuck in my head when she told me her full name. I used to sing her initials in the tune of the song but it quickly merged to me just saying the three letters. 

"I have been to a few of your games, you know?" 

I look at her in confusion, I have never seen her there. She just nods. 

"Alexia never invited any of us but she was never at the ones I went to so I would sit in the stands with a hat and glasses so people wouldn't recognise me, but I was there. I went to your La Masia games as well. You have become a phenomenal player, Lena."

She has always spoken with such sincerity. I have missed her a lot. 

"Maybe you can drop me off at home again tonight? I have missed you."

She chuckles and pulls me into a side hug. 

"I was waiting for you to ask, little Lena. Oh you are not so little any more!"

I chuckle as well and let my head fall onto her shoulder as we enter the gym. My eyes scan the room, looking at all of the players on their equipment, nerves quickly settling inside me. 

"Don't worry, it's all easy." Aitana seems to read my mind. "Just come with me and I will show you how to do everything. It will become second nature in the next few days."

The gym session went quickly as I was taught all the different exercises. I was familiar with most of them, having done a very similar program in the past with the B team. 

We went out onto the field to do some drills and I played well. Jonatan was impressed and so were the first players. My teammates? Maybe, not quite, I don't think. I still haven't been in a team list, so I suppose I'll be their teammate when that eventually happens. 

It wasn't until we reached the ice cream shop that Aitana started asking me all the awkward questions. I should have seen it coming. 

"Why do you never come to our games anymore, Lena?" I was very grateful for the scoops of gelato in my hands. Eating it delayed my response as I tried to come up with something to say. I shrug as I eat.

I can not say it is because I do not get along with Alexia. It is too hard for me to say now, even after all these years. 

"I'm not sure. I suppose I got busy with my own training and school. I have been to a few but I usually go home with Alba pretty quickly after they finish." It is only half a lie but she just shrugs, apparently not believing my words. 

"And why is it that I am driving you home from your first ever first team training? I thought Alexia would have wanted to." I anticipated a question like this but that does not mean I wanted her to actually ask it. 

"Alexia is busy." I hope that Aitana understands I don't want to talk about it. I haven't spoken about my broken relationship with my sister to anyone. I think she can sense something is wrong though, because she puts her spoon back into her ice cream and grabs my arm so I am staring right at her. 

"If you ever want to talk, I am right here, Lena. I know you don't like people knowing what is going on inside that crazy head of yours but it is good to release your feelings." 

She definitely knows something is wrong so I appreciate her not pushing. 

"I have outlets, I play football, I play the piano, I am ok, aitana, I really am." 

She eyed me as if to say she didn't believe me but dropped the topic anyway. 

"When did you get so good?"

chapter II

[fanficsdumpomg]

Brozone NSFW Headcannons (Fem!Reader) (Male!Reader for Floyd)

John Dory:

*Okay, John Dory during his band days probably didn't have much experience because he was so focused on making Brozone perfect, probably a couple flings here and there.

*John Dory now is like a sad little pet who hasn't been touched in 15+ years. I mean c'mon people man spent the last decade and a half alone in the wilderness with only his pet armadillo. Man's going to be pathetic and whiney.

*John Dory gives me total switch vibes, can go from dom to sub in an instant when he bottoms out

"Fuuucckk....baby...please touch me... kiss me.. just do something, don't torture me.."

*Noisy, noisy, and whiny old man. Whines during foreplay and whines during sex

*John strikes me as a total ass and thigh man, he loves to constantly have his hand on one of those two things. Out on a dinner date? The hand is on your upper thigh. At a party? The hand is on your ass. Basically, anywhere y'all go no matter if it's public or private he will be feeling you up.

*Please, please sit on his face; the man wants you to crush him while he eats you out.

*And speaking of ass, John Dory loves to give you those surprise spanks during the day. For the life of him, he cannot keep his hands off of you and y'all usually end up in a play tackle fight which ends in him manhandling you more.

*John Dory also strikes me as the type to love marking you up and you marking him up. Hickies, yes! Scratches on his back, double yes! Wants to feel you and have you feel him the next day.

*Fav positions: Face-off, 69, Downward doggy and Standing Missionary.

*John Dory's turn-ons? Kissing him all over his face, challenging him (bringing out his competitive side), and playing with his hair. Honestly, you could breathe on this man, and he would be ready, he just loves you so much!

*John Dory's other Kink's/Fetishes include, A scent kink (receiving and giving), outdoor/public sex, praise kink (please tell him he's a good boy), overstimulation and voyeurism (likes to watch you touch yourself).

John Dory's cock is definitely above average, his normal size is around 5.5 inches and when hard it is 6 inches. John probably had better grooming habits during his brozone era but post brozone does not groom down there so it is hairy.

___________________________________________________________

Bruce: (Spruce)

*Bruce during the Band days was probably a serious womanizer/fuckboy

*Gives me soft Dom vibes, specifically daddy dom vibes.

*Bruce is a big tease, loves to tease you during sex and during your guy's day to day too.

*"Don’t work too hard, baby. I want you to have plenty of energy for me later."

*Kind of a perv too, asks you to get something from a low cabinet and when you bend over, he loves to press his bulge against you.

*"That's right,Baby Girl; cum on Daddy's cock!"

*Bruce is a big man himself, so he loves chubbier people. Loves having more to touch and feel during your more intimate and affectionate times.

*Bruce has a serious breeding kink, wants to have as many children as possible with you and recreate the family he lost when brozone disbanded. if you can't have kids for any reason, that's fine; he's still going to cum inside you every chance he gets.

*Bruce loves his partners chest, total tits man. Loves to come up behind you during the day and grope you teasingly to get you turned on. Also loves to play with your chest during, sex; it's a big part of his foreplay. Loves to pinch, bite and mark up your chest.

*Total Munch Vibes ✨, I mean have you seen the man eat? He’ll eat you out so good.

*Bruce is a mix between quiet and loud, definitely a moaner though. Mixes between moans and groans during sex

*Fav Positions: Pretzel dip, spooning, reclined butterfly and mating press.

*Loves when you touch his hair between running your fingers through it, pulling it or stylizing him; the man will be putty in your arms.

*Another one of Bruce's turn ons include strategically placed kisses. Kissing him on the back of his neck, ear or wrist will make the man go feral and pounce you in an instant.

Bruce's other Kinks/Fetishes include Edging (likes to make you work for it), Food Play (Man loves to eat, and what better way to combine his two favorite things) and Overstimulation (likes to give you as many orgasms as possible after edging you for a period of time).

*I head cannon that Bruce is the smallest of his bros but the thickest. Standing at a 4.8 with a thick head. Has good grooming habits and shaves down there when he can.

____________________________

Clay:

*Clay in mind is a strict dom. Because he had to be the "fun one" during brozone he likes having control over his personal life now.

*Clay strikes me as an ass man, when you're a brat loves to spank/paddle you as a punishment.

*"Excuse me? Do I have to take you over my knee to show you how to behave, little girl?"

*Since I head cannon that he’s an ass man, he would probably love anal

*As much as he pretends that he hates when you act out, secretly he loves when you're a brat; loves having that feeling of control over you and giving out your punishments.

*Super quiet during sex, does not make any noise.

*You work with clay doing administrative duties. Clay loves to put a vibrator inside you and deny your orgasm until you finish paperwork. He also sits you on his lap while you work and whispers teasing remarks and gropes you while you work. You'll be a crying, pathetic mess during but the reward is so sweet.

*While Clay is a strict dom, he's not a mean dom; if you follow his rules and are a good girl you will get rewarded by getting the most mind-blowing orgasms.

*"You're already that wet? God you're pathetic."

*Big degrader, loves to watch you cry from his mean words.

*Loves to Give and Receive Oral. Big head pusher when you give him oral and a big tease when he gives you oral.

*Clay's turn ons also include Light touches (Brushing up against him in public and private), Kissing (Those slow kisses that turn passionate and rough), and playing with his hair.

*Clay's Kinks include Bondage (Loves to tie you up/immobilize you during sex), Roleplaying, Gagging (Will Gag you if you get too mouthy or loud), and Edging (controls when and how you will get your orgasms)

*Clay is a grower, 4.5 flaccid and 5 inches hard. Definitely nicely groomed and shaved weekly.

____________________________________________

Floyd:

*Floyd is the sensitive one of the group so I imagine he's a switch sub leaning.

*Big whiney crybaby, will cry for you to touch him and will cry during sex.

"*Gasp*, Please... don't stop"

*Floyd loves all of his partner, but his favorite part would his partners hands touching, groping and manhandling him.

*Loves to be bitten, wants to feel like he belongs so biting and marking him up to show that he's yours is a given.

*Loves to be tied up/restrained in any way possible. Tying his arms up, tying his legs together is 100% okay in his book. Also loves some sensory deprivation when being tied up.

*Even if he is doming you, you're still in some sort of control albeit riding him or being a power bottom.

*When doming he loves to be sensual; praise you, kiss you and touch you all over.

*"You...feel..so..good" You...are so...pretty, I'm so lucky to have you"

* Floyds also likes to be praised when he subs, wants to know how much you love every part of him.

*Prefers to give oral rather than receive it.

*Fav Positions: The Bicycle, Missionary and The Hot Seat

*Floyd's turn ons also include, playing with his hair (please pull his hair, he will be putty in your hands), when you lightly and teasingly touch him on the back of his neck, and when you lovingly gaze at him for long periods of time.

*Floyd’s other kinks include Melolagnia (loves listening to you sing and loves to perform duets with you.), and piercings (this is the emo in him but he totally finds piercings hot)

*Floyd is def a shower, he remains at 5 inches flaccid and hard. Probably the cleanest and best groomer of all his brothers.

_________________________

Branch:

*Branch is a total Dom, goes from Soft Dom ✨ to Rough Dom.

*Possessive Sex is a must with this man, he has been alone for so long and when the two of you get together he gets insanely possessive/jealous all the time.

“You’re Mine….” “No one else can have you…”

*Honestly gives me Soft!Yandere Vibes and Trolls 1 Branch probably considered locking you up in his bunker so you’d be safe from the world.

*Loves to mark you up! Bite marks, hickies and scratch marks will go anywhere and everywhere on your body. Wants everyone to know who you belong too

“Branch loves every part of his partner which ties into his marking kink. Will touch, grope, spank and bite every part of you.

“Branch loves to praise be praised, praise him during the day on his building skills or on his intelligence and the man will go feral for you.

*Prefers to give oral, he doesn’t mind receiving he just like seeing you shiver and moan while he eats you out.

*When praising you, Branch loves to tell you how smart/pretty/good you are.

*”So pretty…I love you so much…you’re so good for me…”.

*Big Man-handler, will throw you around during sex like you way nothing.

*He loves to be in control during sex. Will control pace, tempo and speed.

*Loves to restrain you during sex, tying up your arms, legs, etc. Likes to see you at his mercy.

*Branch’s turn ons include, seeing his partner making intelligent decisions, soft kisses in passing and spending quality time together (you could’ve hung out with your friend but you choose to spend time with him? Mans in love)

*Fav Positions: Seated Scissors, Cowgirl and Reverse Cowgirl and the Lazy man.

*Branch would also have a smidge of breeding kink, he’s looking to recreate that family connection he lost when brozone disbanded, also that would cement the idea that you are his forever. If you can’t have kids that’s okay, you can adopt and he still likes to play out the fantasy in his mind and comes inside you during sex.

*Loves having his ears nibbled on, guaranteed way to instantly turn him on.

*Just like his favorite bro, branch is into Melolagnia. Loves hearing your voice and gets majorly turned on after singing with you; it’s like and adrenaline rush for him.

*I head cannon Branch is the biggest and thickest out of all the brothers. Dude is a grower with a 5.5 inch flaccid and a 6.5 inch hard. Has a thick base that hits you in all the right places ✨. Branch has good grooming habits but does not shave.

[mrsparrasblog]

Birthday Girl

Plus size Reader x tf141

Is it my Birthday? Yes , did I Imagine four men making me a Special surprise? Yes.

Will the Reader love the surprise? Yes!

The same procedure as every year, you thought, spending your birthday crying. You weren’t sure what it would be this time. Last year, your boyfriend cheated on you; the year before that, everyone forgot your birthday; and the time before that, a family member died. It's like a curse.

This time, you had your vacation planned for the week of your birthday, visiting your family as always. Visiting your family has been harder these days since you accepted a military contract, working as a nurse on base.

Your parents told you all over again how this would be a bad idea; the military wasn’t a place for women like you: soft, sweet, and innocent. But they were wrong. You never felt better than after joining the military. The nurses on base were so nice to you. You had many girls' nights with them, spending the whole day laughing and chatting. And then there were the soldiers. Four specific soldiers.

Kyle: Kyle was the most handsome man you’d ever seen in your life. His face was literally perfection as if the gods themselves sculpted it just for you to admire. He was nice and polite, never screaming at you, even when you stitched him up. He just sat there and smiled. He was your favorite patient, especially since he always brought you something small back from his deployment, mostly sand. So you had a collection of different sands from a variety of countries you'll never visit in your life. He was the first you crushed on. It was easy to fall for him, but hard to have these feelings. Guys like him weren’t made for you; at least you thought so.

Price: The captain was hardly in the infirmary, even when you could see he needed it the most. His knees and back were completely wasted, and he needed them fixed, but he had so much to do, never taking the time to care for himself. You knew from the gossip among the nurses that the captain had a thing for curvier women, admiring the softness in them. You knew how his eyes lingered on your soft, wide hips or your ass. His fingers always twitched, trying to touch you, but both of you couldn’t. "I'm a captain, lovely. If I weren’t, I would have already put a ring on you," he said one day after drinking a bit too much of his whiskey. But you couldn’t have him anyway. How would you explain that your heart ached for four different men?

Soap: He spent every moment he wasn’t on a mission in the gym or eating at the infirmary, coming to you even with the slightest scratch. You fixed him all the time, gushing over his exposed form. He had the most muscles out of everyone. His biceps could crush you in a second, and god, how you loved it. He was a flirt, always calling you Bonnie or Hen in front of everyone. He probably did this with every female on base. Attractive young guy, why should he be interested in you and not some skinny, pretty girl?

Ghost: Falling in love with Ghost wasn’t something you would have thought of ever happening. When you started, he scared the shit out of you with the mask, his looming glance, and the fact that he was built like a brick house. He never came to the infirmary. Well, he wasn’t hurt like the others, but still. At first, he always side-eyed you for your bubbly personality, but it changed quickly. You knew exactly when you fell in love with him. It was the day a rookie pushed you against a wall, trying to have his way with you. It wasn’t like you were a damsel in distress; you were strong and capable; he was just stronger. Ghost saved you that day and many more. He gave you his number, so you’d call him if anything was wrong.

So why were you hesitating to call him right now? You finally dialed the number you knew by heart.

"What's wrong, love?"

"Just a bad day. Can you maybe pick me up? I’ll pay you the gas money," you sobbed.

"20 minutes, no gas money."

He was there at 15, arriving with his bike. You didn’t know he had a bike, but god, it looked good on him with the helmet. It only added to his bad-boy image, which you desperately loved.

He walked towards you, his arms pulling you into a bear hug, and you started to cry, something unusual for him. He wasn’t someone who comforted people in such weakness, but it was okay with you.

"What's wrong, birthday girl?" He knew he remembered your birthday.

"You remember my birthday," you said, removing your hand from his chest, leaving wet stains on his shirt, and looking up at him with your red and puffy eyes.

"Of course, love. Now, tell me what's wrong."

"It's childish."

"Don't care."

"Mom commented the whole day on my weight, telling me to finally lose it or else I'd never find a boyfriend and die as a spinster with seven cats. Dad didn’t even bother to congratulate me, and when my ex-boyfriend appeared with my sister, I lost it."

"Your mom talks bullshit. Some men like their women with a bit more meat on their bones. I do," he admitted while wiping your tears away with his thumb.

"You do?" You asked curiously. You knew Price did, but Ghost too?

"Mhm. Every big boy needs his big girl," he said, making you blush and squirm.

"Can you drive me back to the base?"

"Of course, love. Me and the boys have a surprise for you anyway."

He pulled you onto his bike, placing the helmet on top of your head, destroying your neatly made hair. And so, this was your first bike ride, holding onto him for dear life. Your breasts pressed against his back while you hugged him so you wouldn’t fall. His broad back and shoulders made you feel things. He was indeed a big boy in need of his big girl—in need of you.

After a bumpy ride, he carried you off the motorcycle with ease. He acted like you weighed nothing, and he could carry you for hours.

"So, what's the surprise?"

"Patience, love."

He led you into his and Soap's barracks. You were shaking, desperate to know what would happen. Inside were all four men you desperately wanted for weeks. In front of them was a birthday cake, which was, to be honest, kind of ugly but homemade. They made a cake for you. You couldn’t believe it.

"Aye, Lt. brought you back safely to us. Happy Birthday, Hen."

"Happy Birthday, babe," Kyle said, his beautiful eyes glistering at you. God, he was too pretty for his own good.

"Happy Birthday, Dove," the captain said, removing his fisherman hat and smiling at you.

"You all remembered?" You asked in disbelief.

"Of course, dove. Now we know that you took a liking to all of us, didn’t you?"

You nodded shyly, getting red. How could you be so stupid and fall for four guys at the same time?

"All these weeks we fought about you, and you wanted all of us?" Kyle laughed.

"You fought over me?"

"Don’t act surprised, love. You know that we all wanted you."

You shook your head, and the guys started to laugh. „Hen, do you think I'll go to that bloody hospital for a scar?“.

You could have imagined Price and Ghost like you, but Kyle and Soap too? You slowly sat down on the bed, looking up at the four tall men.

„Mhm, do you want your present now?“ The captain asked you while tucking a strain of your hair behind your ear.

„Depends on whether I like the present.“

„You will love it.“ So you agreed, curious, when Kyle walked towards you just a few inches away from your face, finally kissing you, making you moan desperately while the other boys watched you with a smug smile on their incredibly handsome faces. You noticed the bulges in their pants, and your mind slowly had an idea of what they wanted from you.

„Are you hard?“ You asked as if you weren’t a medical professional.

All four men chuckled at your dumb question: „Now, no need to be shy with us." Soap said, taking a step closer to you and Kyle. His erection was thick and big, not very well hidden beneath the fabric of his washed-out jeans.

They slowly started to remove their pants one by one, leaving them only with their boxers, and God were they hot. You glanced at four six-packs; each body was still different; Soap was bulky and muscular; and Ghost's body was full of scars, making him look even hotter than you thought was possible. Gaz looked like a Calvin Klein model; everything about him was pure perfection, and Price looked like a ducking bear, hairy, strong, and able to scoop you up without a doubt.

Gaz reached over and began to undo the buttons on your shirt, revealing more of your body beneath. His eyes roamed hungrily over your curves as he whispered softly in your ear. "There's no need to be insecure with us. We fucking love your curves.“

„So soft for us, dove." Price said you looked so different than them, soft and innocent, while they were painted for the war crimes they committed.

The men let out a soft murmur of appreciation as they took in your beautifully curvy body. Price stepped forward, his hands skimming over your smooth skin and tracing intricate patterns on your back and legs. "You really are exquisite, aren't you?

„You think so?“

The men exchanged glances, their eyes sparkling with desire.

"Absolutely," Soap assured you, his powerful arms wrapping around your waist. His erection was now fully exposed, pressing against your leg.

"You're breathtaking.“

„God, you’re big,“ and his cock was thick and deliciously veiny.

Ghost smirked at your words as he moved closer to you. His massive cock, way bigger than Soap's or any you've ever seen in your life, brushed against your stomach. "You like big boys, don't you?" he asked teasingly. Which horse was that? You knew it would be big by the way he walked; he just walked like it was big, but that's massive.

"Every Big girl needs her Big Boys"

The men burst out laughing at your words. Price pulled you closer to him, running his hand through your long hair. "You're one hell of a woman," he said admiringly. "You've got the body of a goddess and the mouth of a devil.“

The four men shared another glance before stepping back into sync. They formed a circle around you, creating an intimidating presence. "Now then," Price said slowly, his voice dropping to a low growl that vibrated through your body. "Are you ready for your gift, birthday girl?“

You only nodded in agreement.

With one accord, the four men moved in towards you, their massive erections bobbing and weaving as they approached. "Tonight," Price began, his voice thick with desire, "we're going to give you the best birthday present you've ever had.“

"I don't know if it beats the doll I got when I was six,“ you attempted to pull a joke.

Gaz, Soap, and Ghost all began to touch you in various ways, their hands roaming over your body as Price started to tease your hardened nipple through your bra. "Oh, trust us," Ghost whispered huskily in your ear. "This is going to be an unforgettable birthday.“

Price unclasped your bra and pulled it off, revealing your big breasts. He leaned down and took one of your nipples into his mouth, sucking hard while his hand groped your other breast, making you already a moaning mess.

Gaz, Soap, and Ghost continued to touch you, their hands moving down to your hips as they pushed your panties aside. "Spread your legs for us," Ghost commanded. And so you did; you were a good nurse, always listening to her lieutenant.

The man's eyes widened at the sight of your soaking wet pussy. They wasted no time in moving in closer, their cocks throbbing with need. "You're dripping for us," Price commented, his voice laced with lust.

„No, I don't.“

Gaz ran his tongue along the inside of your thigh, making his way towards your soaked pussy. "I think you are," he murmured as he began to lap at your folds. "Mhm, so delicious, Captain. Want a taste?“

And Price nodded, letting his thick tongue glide into Kyle's pretty mouth, both sharing the delicious taste of your juices. He pushed Kyle into the soft cushions with his strength, and by the way, Kyle reacted, you knew this wasn’t the first time both of them got intimate with each other.

Price lifted you up effortlessly, positioning your pussy over Gaz's mouth. "Take her, pretty boy," he said with a smirk.

You tried not to put your full weight on his pretty face, much to the annoyance of the boys. „When we say sit on his face, we mean it; suffocate him with your cunt; he doesn’t mind,“ Ghost said, and Kyle only nodded.

„Garrick would be delighted to die between your thick thighs, hen." Soap laughed darkly while slowly stroking his massive, veiny cock.

Kyle reached up to hold onto your hips, keeping you steady as he took more of your weight. His tongue dove deeper into your wet pussy, exploring every inch of your folds. Meanwhile, Price watched intently, his cock twitching with anticipation. The combination of Gaz's skilled tongue and Price and Soap's attentive nipple-sucking sent shockwaves of pleasure through your body. You couldn't help but grind down on Gaz's face, feeling the heat from his tongue against your sensitive skin.

Gaz knew exactly what you needed and continued his assault on your sensitive folds. As he lapped up your juices, he began to increase the speed and intensity of his tongue movements. His hands roamed up your thighs, seeking out more of your wetness to consume.

With a devilish grin, Ghost moved towards you, his monster cock already leaking pre-cum. He stroked it slowly, watching your reactions as he brought it closer to your mouth. You opened wide, eagerly accepting the thick, throbbing shaft into your warm mouth, moaning as you tasted his salty precum. „Such a good cocksucker for us.“

As Ghost fucked your mouth with his cock, Gaz continued to feast on your pussy, relentlessly licking and sucking at every inch of your sensitive flesh. Meanwhile, Soap gently massaged your ass cheeks, teasing you with his touch. “You recruited such a pretty soft girl for us, Cap.“

The men could sense your impending climax and redoubled their efforts. Ghost thrust deeper into your mouth, his hips slamming against your face as he filled it with his thick cock. His pubic blonde hair tickled against your nose, making you roll your eyes in pleasure.

Gaz sucked harder on your clit, determined to make you cum all over him.

„Oh god, Kyle“

„Making such pretty nice sounds for us, dove“

As your orgasm washed over you, Gaz didn't pull back; instead, he drank in every drop of your juices. He lapped at your pussy eagerly, making sure not a single drop went to waste.

With a smile, Gaz pulled back, his face glistening with your sticky love. He placed you against the bed again, still shaking from what happened.

Soap quickly kneeled next to you, his hard cock pressing against your wet pussy. He leaned in close to your ear and whispered, "Your turn to ride, darling.

"Mhm, too heavy to ride your soap.“

„You're not even half my warm-up weight, hen." Soap scoffed, being mad that you thought he was such a weakling as if he couldn’t carry you through the whole world without breaking a sweat.

„Make her ready for me, Johnny.“ Ghost eyes darkened.

„Aye, Lt, going to stretch her out for you.“

Soap moaned loudly as you rode him hard, your fat ass bouncing against his balls. He grabbed onto your hips, guiding you up and down his thick cock. Price and Ghost watched in awe, their own arousal growing with each of your movements.

„Change position, Sergeant; I want her to take care of all of us." Price commanded, and of course, like the good boy Johnny, he listened.

Soap picked you up effortlessly, your body wrapping around his cock as he laid you down on the ground. He continued to pound into you, his hips slamming against yours as you stroked Price and Ghost's hard cocks in unison.

"Fuck me harder," you moaned as he pounded into you, his hands gripping your hips tightly.

Soap smiled devilishly as he obeyed your command, thrusting deeper and faster into your wet pussy."Cum for me, baby," Soap panted between thrusts as he felt your walls clenching around him. He couldn't wait to empty his balls inside of you while watching Price and Ghost cum all over your beautiful face.

„Hen, you’re killing me with that thighs little cunt." Soap growled as he finally let go, unleashing his hot cum deep inside of you. You could feel his muscles tense and release as he shot rope after rope of semen into your wet pussy, filling you up completely. You were now lying on the bed like a painting, and the boys were the artists drawing their semen on your face and your gummy walls.

Gaz immediately took his place, positioning himself at your entrance. "Come on, babe, you can take me," he said as he lined up his incredibly long cock with your dripping pussy.

He thrust into you slowly at first, savoring the feeling of being engulfed by your needy hole.

„Need her again, Lt.“ Soap whined, missing your wet heaven again.

„Such a needy, but get on your knees and spread your ass for me, Johnny." Ghost barked at Soap

Price smirked as he watched Soap's ass cheeks spread for Ghost, anticipation building within him. He took one of your nipples into his mouth, sucking hard on it as he continued to lick and tease the other one. Making you lose up the tension from Kyle's dick hitting places in your pussy you didn’t even know you had. Ge laughed at the bulge forming in your belly; he was just too damn long.

With a devilish grin, Price reached down and rubbed your clit, adding to the chaotic mix of sensations overwhelming you. „She's handling us quite well, isn’t she?“ he teased.

„Yes, Captain,“ the boys said in unison.

Gaz moaned loudly as he thrust into you, his hips slamming against yours in a relentless rhythm. He reached down to play with your other nipple, pinching and pulling it roughly while Price continued to rub your clit."Cum for us, babe," Gaz grunted as he felt your walls clenching around him.

He increased his pace, driving deeper and harder into you as Price's fingers worked their magic on your sensitive nub.

Your body shook with the force of your orgasm as you cried out in pleasure. Gaz held you tightly, his cock throbbing inside you as he felt you milking him dry. "Fuck, babe, I love you; you’re addicting.“

He erupted his hot stick seed in your willing womb, painting you once again white from the inside and marking you as theirs.

„That's it, dove," Price praised, his tone low and rough with satisfaction. Ghost leaned down to kiss you gently on the lips, still tasting himself in your mouth. "You were incredible. Best lay we ever had," Gaz groaned out in agreement, still buried deep inside you.

"Mhm, good birthday gift.“

Price laughed softly as he rested his chin on your shoulder. "It will be hard to top this next year," he teased.

Gaz withdrew from you, his soft but still long cock slipping out of your pussy with a gentle pop.

"I feel empty,“ you complained to them, not wanting this to stop.

„Let’s get you cleaned up," Ghost suggested, reaching for some tissues on the nightstand. He wiped away the excess cum from your breasts and belly, leaving you feeling satisfied yet wanting more.

„You know we love you, dove,“ Price whispered as he snuggled against you, pulling you in one of his big bear hugs.

„All of you?“

„Yes,“ Ghost commented to your surprise.

„I love you too, all of you.“

[oceane4loveu]

The vlog of the perfect "her" océane ≽^•⩊•^≼

"𝑊𝑎𝑘𝑒 𝑢𝑝"𝐼𝑡'𝑠 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑡𝑜 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑙 𝑎𝑏𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒 𝐴𝑛𝑑 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑤ℎ𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑎𝑟𝑒!!! .𖥔 ݁ 🪐˖

ˢᵃᵗᵘʳⁿ ᴿᵉᵗᵘʳⁿˢ ᴵⁿᵗᵉʳˡᵘᵈᵉ

Heyyyy starfish! I know it's been a long time like 3 months but I was in a bad state. I was literally depressed, my girlfriend had just left me and my whole life was literally boring, I kept comparing myself day after day and I wondered why I was living such a bad life in fact to be honest I didn't feel like myself anymore. So I deleted all my social networks, I deleted the number of several people and I started to focus on myself and I realized that all my traumas were really preventing me from moving forward, already I am obsessed with wanting to be in a relationship and fill this lack of love so I get into relationships with people who are bad for me and I do things that end up hurting me. I compare myself to girls all the time because my ex was always comparing me to his ex or other girls and at the end of our relationship it became a habit for me to do that so by deleting social media and doing a social media detox it helped me to really start loving myself again and to become aware of a lot of things and today I feel like everything is going better in my life I found a temporary job while waiting to start my dream job, I love myself more, I do what I like and I feel better but I haven't achieved all my goals yet. 2025 is in what month and I think I spent too much time creating thousands of plans to finally give up at the last minute and postpone everything until tomorrow so I decided to enter a new era!!!! An era where I work hard for my dreams, I'm 20 years old and I don't want to make the same mistakes year after year! So I asked myself how I can become a completely new woman? how to become her? This better version of me. I watched a lot of tam kaur videos, searched for the best self improvement books and I finally found the method that works best for me it's simple and detailed. For that I watched this tam kaur video which is definitely my favorite video!

𝟏. 𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞 𝐚 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞.

Ok this year I planned more than 15 glow up plans that I ended up abandoning because all these goals were literally dictated by others like I see this person doing something and I want to do it too so each time I did nothing and I stayed there doing several glow up plans without really taking action so this time I followed the SMARTER method

S: SPECIFIC

Be specific in defining your goal:

What exactly do you want to accomplish?

Who are the people involved? (individual or team) How are you going to achieve it?

M: MEASURABLE

How are you going to measure it? How will you know when you have achieved your goal?

A: ACHIEVABLE

Is your goal realistically achievable?

Can you achieve your goal within a defined time frame?

Is the goal ambitious enough to motivate you to take concrete action? Reminder: Don’t set goals that are too ambitious and might seem unrealistic to achieve

R: RELEVANT

Are the goals relevant to your vision?

Are the goals aligned with your role? (student/professional/leader)

Is the reason/motivation for achieving this goal relevant/meaningful in your context?

T: TIMELY

What is your timeline for achieving this goal? (30 days, 3 months, 6 months) Break down big goals into smaller goals

E: EVALUATION AND EMOTIONS

Continuously assess the needs of your goal

If it serves your goal of personal, academic and professional growth and development

Do you feel

empowered/motivated/energized/excited to achieve this goal?

R: REWARD AND REVIEW

Reward yourself for achieving your goals Review your goals to adapt them to your current contexts and needs

I finally created a list with all my goals

𝐆𝐨𝐚𝐥𝐬 𝐕𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐁𝐨𝐚𝐫𝐝

𝟐. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞?

I used the everskies app to create an avatar of the new me but I will do a more in-depth post on that so Describe everything in detail:

A. About yourself. Your personality. Your brain.

B. Money

C. Career and opportunities

D. Friends and family

E. Relationship

F. Hobbies and happiness

G. Hobbies/how you spend your free time

H. Workouts, etc.

I. Home/habitat

𝟑. 𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐤𝐥𝐲 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠.

move each goal into a weekly calendar every sunday, plan the week around that to come up with achievable goals to achieve all those goals and it becomes part of the weekly to do list

For example I want to read 15 books so I choose a book and I read 5 or 10 pages of that book per day and so on. I will use this planner and Canva to plan my week

𝟒. 𝐌𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐞𝐭

I'm going to read several self improvement books that I bought recently and also here are some phrases that can help

A. You saw these dreams because you were supposed to see them. They are your dreams, seize them

B. Failure is part of your success

C. Don't despair of anything. Just do your job.

D. The fact that others live normal lives doesn't mean you have to live average. Work for your dreams.

E. Put down your damn phone

F. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop giving reasons why it's not for you.

G. Stop thinking about what others are doing. Everyone's life is different.

H. Take a look at your inner speech.

𝟓. 𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐞

For this no need to be tired I took some routine ideas from Pinterest

𝟔. 𝐉𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬.

I understood one thing when I did my digital detox, no one comes and does all the work for me it's up to me to do it it's up to me to work to get what I really want it's not by running after people that it will happen by magic. It's time to work for my dreams and enjoy the process because the best version of me only depends on the actions I take to make it exist. So I focus on my goals.

[triassictriserratops]

checking in to say I’m such a sucker for Katniss and Peeta discussing their mommy issues once they’re together again. I once saw a post pointing out that they’re the only ones in the series with that kind of trauma and it made so much sense to me why they easily bonded with each other. Just imagine them finally being able to discuss how unsafe they felt even before the games and realize that they have someone in their family who understands that problem and doesn’t make it feel that way. Katniss and Peeta have always been tender with each other but I fear it only gets worse the more they share and get close

we joke a lot about how THG is what Katniss would write about her experiences in the games and war. (Explaining her, frankly, INSANE odes to Peeta's eyelashes.) but also? we're sleeping on the idea that Katniss writes a book absolutely trashing Peeta's mom. It's gonna be a fucking BESTSELLER. I actually have an advanced reader copy, here, lemme show you:

(Note, i spent like 4 hours making this absolutely garbage fucking cover, please validate me. My feelings gland needs this.) I also have this idea that while Katniss does come to understand her mother better by the end of the book - a relationship, a GOOD relationship, with the two of them - it's just going to take time. In that time, maybe Peeta helps to bridge the gap. He does weekly check-ins with Katniss' mom. Telling her how Katniss is doing but also answering her questions about how HE'S doing. And he realizes how...nice it is for a mom to want to know how his day was or be proud of his accomplishments. It's not a replacement for what he should have had, but it's nicer than what he ever got. His relationship with his family is gone. That's it. There will never be any hope of it ever getting better. But Katniss DOES have her mom and he wants to help them. And, from the conversations and tears they've shared about this, he knows she wants it too. So he starts by suggesting that Katniss' mom go through her own therapy to be able to come to terms with her grief and the consequences of what that grief did to her relationships with her living family. He puts her in touch with Dr. Aurelius who gives him a referral to someone in 4 that works in grief and family counseling. And it's not easy. Not by any means. Not for anyone. But in time, years, decades - the bonds of family are strengthened. They're never perfect, you can't fix the past, of course. But the pains are acknowledged on both sides. Their new relationship is hard-earned and exactly what they both need of each other. 15 years down the line, Mrs. Everdeen gets to push the hair out of her daughters eyes while she delivers her first grandbaby. She gets to watch her baby look in awe, and wonderment at her own baby. She gets to watch her family grow a little bigger and a little stronger. Later, when Peeta makes sure both Katniss and baby are safe and sleeping, he goes over to Mrs. Everdeen and hugs her tightly. "Thanks for being here for us, Ma."

[violetasteracademic]

On Being a Published Writer: Without a Degree

This is a bit of a vulnerable share today, and I am writing it after a sleepless night, the monster of anxiety and shame weighing heavily on my chest. However, I have come far in life and undergone an incredible amount of healing, and refuse to be ashamed of my past. I hope sharing this can help even one person like me remember that when it comes to craft, when it comes to art, the only thing stopping you from being worthy is you.

This year, I became a published writer. After years of hard work and dedication to my craft, I finally felt good enough to begin submitting my work to literary magazines. I'm proud of that accomplishment. It's a little tag I get to add to my bio now as I submit work that helps make me feel *valid.* But that quickly, all it takes is for someone to remind me that I did not have access to a degree, that I did not learn from the best, and I will spend the rest of my life without a formal education behind my writing, and they achieve the goal they set out: to make me feel less than for not having their background.

In America, the education system is for profit and public school system inconsistent. There are many factors that can contribute to whether or not a person gets through it successfully, and it often has little to do with intelligence, work ethic, or strength of character and drive before the age of 18.

So here is my story:

I graduated high school with a 2.1 GPA.

My first hospitalization (out of the 17 I would have in my life) for edometriomas happened at age 15. I spent the majority of high school struggling with chronic pain, stage four endometriosis and the accompanying endometriomas cysts, and illness. By age 16, social services was threatened by my school to be called on my home for suspected neglect and abuse. I moved out of my house that year, and was given temporary guardianship by a friends family.

By the end of my senior year, I continued to bounce around between friends houses, sometimes sleeping in my car, and struggled to keep on top of my coursework. I was enrolled in the work study program designed for students who had to keep a job during their high school years, and earned school credits for staying employed.

Despite all of this, I still maintained high grades in Advance Placement literature and language, proceeded to get 5's on my AP tests (a perfect score, and a rare accomplishment) as well as near perfect scores on my ACT's. I spent every spare second reading and writing from the moment I learned how. My intelligence and comprehension were not the issue. My health and my home life were.

The only reason I got into college at all was because I decided to audition for a school play freshman year. Much to my surprise, I was cast in the lead role, and thus the course of my life was set. I poured everything I had into acting, I finally had a purpose and something to keep me out of having to go home after school. Still, applying for colleges was one of the most stressful and shame inducing experiences of my life. I got into many top performance programs in the country, then would not get into the university itself with my GPA. The conservatories that did not look into school performance did not provide the financial assistance required for me to attend.

There was one university that offered limited talent admissions that would allow the university admission requirements to be overlooked for students that had displayed exceptional talent in their specialized field of study. I had to put together a request for the school board, complete with letters from my high school teachers providing context for my low GPA paired with high test scores, character assessments on my likely ability to maintain the minimum required GPA in college, as well as a letter from the head of the performing arts department of the university stating that I was worthy of this talent exception. The wait was unbearable. But I was accepted. And I was approved for the work study program that allowed me to gain employment at the university to help offset the cost.

I felt like my whole life had changed in college. I had gotten in. I had gotten out. I was a new person, no one knowing about my past or the stain of my struggles. I had a fresh start. While I continued to battle my illness throughout college, it was manageable with a consistent bed to sleep in every night, as well as access to physical and mental health services. And although I tested out of being required to take any English classes with AP, I still filled my elective credits with writing classes. Screenwriting, playwriting, poetry, creative writing. Performing became my work, and writing became my joy. I took every class that sounded remotely interesting, often filling my schedule more than required on top of my work and performance load.

I am withholding some of the more personal details of my life, but when I finally moved out to LA, I hit the ground running. I accomplished more in a few years than fellow artists and performers who had been out there for more than a decade. And I valued every person I met. I was in small, independent theatre shows with Juliard grads. I was on professional sets with wildly naturally talented people working to get their GED with no formal education but that undeniable *it* factor. People from all walks of life set out for the Angel City to make it, and I was one of them. I also began writing again, this time short films and audition monologues. I began writing pieces for friends and classmates at their request. I secured my first talent agent with a performance piece that I wrote, along with an offer to renegotiate my contract to include literary representation should I complete a script worth shopping. I began to organize applications for writing fellowships at top studios, when my condition became so severe the only option to move forward with my life was surgery. And then my life completely changed again.

I came out of that surgery with nerve damage that left me unable to walk for six months, as well as developed a new permanent nervous system disorder.

My career and my life never recovered. I was permanently changed. However, during that time, I turned one of my sci-fi short films I had written into a 160k word novel, with outlines for a trilogy. While it was one of the darkest times of my life, writing got me through it. I moved out of Los Angeles to a more affordable city and threw myself into writing. I learned that ivy league schools like Stanford, Harvard, and Yale shared their syllabi for continued study coursework online, including the required textbooks for the courses. Example here. I took myself through the textbooks and coursework of top schools, I took every local workshop possible when it was in budget. Any education on craft that was within my means, I reached for.

I will never be able to change the course of my life. I will likely never be able to go back to school. However, this amazing video by Bandon Sanderson helped me overcome my shame, my lack of access to returning to higher education when my life and career were irrevocably changed: Be Anything But an English Major

I had already done what he had encouraged, pick a subject I was passionate about, fill my college coursework with things I found interesting, and let it inform my writing. While this is not to disrespect or degrade English majors or say successful authors think the degree is worthless, I am simply sharing to say this video helped ME combat against English majors who made me feel worthless for not having access to their diploma.

So to anyone feeling insecure today, you do not need a degree in the arts. Whether you want to be an author, an actor, a painter, a fashion designer, a poet. And I say this as someone whose greatest privilege and joy in life was getting a performing arts degree.

We must continue to prioritize art being accessible, value diverse backgrounds, and wish for it to be open and available to all. We must continue to treat art as subjective, and reject ideals that learning from a certain set of paid individuals makes all other opinions, choices, or ideas invalid.

There is no dollar amount I could give to a piece of paper that would make my mind, my intelligence, and my ability to organize and understand words in an impactful way that would make me more valid than I am today. There is no degree that could replace my work ethic, my empathy, my desire to write stories to do good. To give something to the world and help people survive in the ways that I had needed to survive.

Maybe I'll tell this story again one day, and it will help another young person with my background believe there may be more in life than the cards they were dealt. Maybe this will be the first and last time sharing these words. Maybe I'll never get another piece published, but will continue to write fanfic and poetry and prose pieces to share on the internet for free because I believe in my heart it is valuable. To look at myself, and my work, and deem myself worthy of my efforts and passion.

I am proud to be a member of the community of published writers without a degree.

I am even more proud to be a member of online fandoms full of writers, artists, creators, contributors and more who give their free time and energy towards something that does nothing more than make others happy.

So,

to the people who look at the stars and wish.

to the stars who listen— and the dreams that are answered,

this one is for you.

[iamfuckingsorry]

i'm sorry but like. i played the game for the first time like a month ago (and it absolutely wrecked me, it was beautiful), and i just can't stop thinking about this and i need to get it out. but like, kim, what the fuck is the deal with kim?

like, he's just such a weird little man with such a weird little collection of character traits, but also he's just so fucking perfect.

like, kim. he spent 15 years being a cop in a department he fucking hated but he just stuck it out. he is so done with teens he basically refuses to speak to them unless he absolutely has to, but he still spent 15 fucking years in that section, refusing to give up. he's proud to be a revacholian and to protect the city now, but did he feel this way when he joined the RCM? or did he join to prove to everyone that even a monkey fucker like him could be revacholian? or did he join because he got kicked out of the orphanage he grew up at and didn't have anywhere else to go? or was there a different reason altogether?

and look at him now. he's presumably one of the best cops in his precint (i'm sure he mentions something about this early on in the game but i honestly can't remember), and one that seems to mostly play fair and genuinely care, which doesn't seem to be that common at all. and he's proud of this and strives to always be professional and calm and collected even if he doesn't always fully manage. he keeps himself in check first and foremost, and seems to try to keep everyone at an arm's length and not engage in personal discussions, even though he will often indulge harry if directly asked.

and so far it all makes sense, right? he's been treated like shit all throughout his life, dealt a fairly shitty hand, an orphan, an immigrant, a homo, possibly visually impaired (has he always needed glasses? was he able to get them as a broke-ass kid with no one to speak on his behalf? or did he grow up never able to see properly, struggling in school because he could never read the board or react in time when people threw shit at him, made fun of by both teachers and classmates?), mocked and ridiculed, and he's had to fight hard to get to where he is now. and he desperately needs to keep it this way, so he works hard and sticks to the rules and keeps his distance from people, and he puts a stop to everyone and everything that people could make fun of (no, harry, you will /not/ call me kimball, you will call me Lt kitsuragi, no, harry, you will /not/ tell anyone about the ice bear fridge, i will /not/ be known as the ice bear cop). but he's also mostly a genuinely nice and compassionate person and he really cares, as long as people are at least trying to do good.

but also…

he basically wears period cosplay to work. like. for real, he clearly wears his fucking pilot jacket so often that having the RCM insignia sewn onto it was the most logical choice. he is so obviously into planes and cars (but he's too blind to be a pilot :), do you think he used to hate himself as a kid not only because he was poor and abandoned by everyone and "an immigrant" but also because not even his own fucking body would let him be what he wanted to be), he has an extremely expensive vehicle that's his, his only, and not even really needed for the stuff he does at work the majority of the time. he clearly had to have a chat with his boss at some point in time and justify this purchase and why the car should be permanently assigned to him and him only, and even if i'm sure he had a bunch of actual reasons you can't convince me that his boss and all of his colleagues weren't all aware that really, he just wanted a fast fucking car and had an excuse to get it. and clearly the higher ups like him enough to indulge him, because surely no one would be actually fooled? why would a crime investigator get it and not, like, the fucking traffic guys chasing drunk drivers and illegal racers every night?

and like, in some ways he fucking owns it, doesn't seem to give a fuck, he's who he is and if people don't like it that's not his problem. but he's also embarassed about listening to that fucking radio station. but he also drives a sports car and wears driving gloves and a pilot jacket, of course he's listen to that fucking radio station. but then he also does newspaper crosswords. like, he seems to put a into maintaining this facade of professionality, but he also really doesn't fucking care when it comes to a lot of the stuff, it's great. except for the extremely random stuff that he does care about and can get extremely flustered about momentarily.

and it feels really out of character in a way. he works so hard on keeping himself in check at all times, representing the RCM in a good light and making sure both him and others get treated with the respect they deserve. he smokes one cigarette a day to keep proving to himself he can keep his vices in check, for fuck's sake. but then it's like he just picked one (1) part of his personality where he just went like, fuck it. Fuck it, I work hard for this shit and I deserve to do what I want sometimes too, and this one fucking thing is innocent enough and safe enough, and I don't give a fuck, I deserve /one fucking thing/ and I'm gonna get it. I'm getting the goddamn jacket and the Kineema and if people have a problem with that, they can go fuck themselves. I /need/ this one thing and I. Am. Getting. It.

(it's clearly a big part of his personality, but do you think there were other massive interests in the past, or maybe there still are others he isn't as open about with? Things he thinks would undermine his career and reputation? Past hobbies he abandoned because if anyone found out, that would be the end of his career at the RCM, even though for anyone else who wasn't a stupid fucking immigrant who can't even see right it would be a funny little detail?)

anyway.

i'm just like. stay the way you are, my weird little man. you're great.

[iwamaye2]

Racing Hearts: Love in the Fast Lane / Toto Wolff x Reader / Prolouge

Hi!!!! Welcome. I finally decided to write a story after being on Tumblr for over a decade now. I am so excited to bring this to everyone who loves Formula 1 and Toto Wolff. This is an introduction to the reader and the reader is you!! so imagine them as anyone or even yourself!! However the reader is Christian Horners Daughter so there will be an age gap. What to expect in this chapter is going to introduce the reader, their first initial chemistry, and first conversation. Please enjoy and leave comments and suggestions!!!

The roar of engines filled the air, mingling with the scent of burning rubber and high-octane fuel. The paddock was a buzz with activity, engineers, mechanics, and team principals darting about, each focused on the upcoming race weekend. You had grown up in this world, as the daughter of Christian Horner, Red Bull's Racing Team's principal it was always a world of fierce competition, relentless pressure, and unmatched exhilaration.

As the daughter of a team principal, you were no stranger to the paddock. You had spent countless hours here, always observing, learning, and eventually earning your place in your father's company as a young and talented engineer for Red Bull. However, no matter how familiar you were with the sights and sounds, the thrill of race weekends never dulled.

Tonight, the atmosphere was different. There was a mix of tension and anticipation in the air. The sun was setting, casting a warm, golden hue over the circuit. Most of the team had already wrapped up their duties for the day, but you remained, engrossed on the data on your screen. The numbers and graphs were your world, and you were determined to ensure everything was perfect for tomorrow's qualifying session.

"Burning the midnight oil, are we?" A deep, familiar voice broke your concentration.

You looked up, startled, to see Toto Wolff, the imposing and charismatic team principal of Mercedes AMG Petronas, standing only a few feet away. He was in his early fifties, definitely more than twenty years your senior, but his presence was commanding, and his smile was warm.

"Mr, Wolff", you greeted, trying to hide your surprise. "Just going over some last-minitue data. What brings you here?" "Please call me Toto", he said with a charming smile . "I couldn't help but notice you've been working hard. It's not often I see someone from the Red Bull Team working so late in our part of the paddock". You couldn't help but smile back. "Well, I like to make sure everything's perfect. Besides, I enjoy the quiet".

Toto nodded, his eyes studying you with a mixture of curiosity and respect. "It's admirable. I've heard a lot about you, you know Christan speaks very highly of you." "Does he?" you asked, raising an eyebrow. "id imagine he docent have many kind words for anyone associated with Mercedes." He chuckled, a warm, rich sound that somehow put you at ease. "True, but family is different. And talent is talent, regardless of which team it's for."

You felt a blush creeping up your cheeks. "Thank you. That means a lot coming from you." There was a brief silence, filled with unspoken words and mutual understanding. It was then you realized that Toto Wolff, despite being your father's rival, was someone you deeply respected. And perhaps, there was more to him than just the fierce competitor you had always seen.

"Would you like to join me for a coffee?" he asked suddenly, breaking the science. "It's rare to find someone so dedicated, and I'd love to hear more about your work." You hesitated for a moment, aware of the implications. But then you'd thought, why not? This was an opportunity to learn from one of the best other than your father who's in the business. "Id like that," you replied, packing up your things.

As you waled towards the hospitality area, Toto shared stories about his early days in racing, making you laugh and think. You found yourself opening up about your own apparitions and challenges, and he listened intently, offering advice and encouragement. The more you talked, the more you realized just how much you had in common. You both shared a deep passion for racing, a relentless drive for perfection, and a desire to prove yourselves. There was an undeniable connection between you, one that went beyond the usual boundaries of team rivalry.

As the evening wore on, the conversation turned more personal. You found yourself sharing stories about your childhood, your relationship with your father, and your dreams for the future. Toto, in turn, spoke about his own journey, his struggles, and his triumphs. There was a vulnerability in his words that touched you deeply. The hours flew by, and before you knew it, it was late. The paddock was almost deserted, the only sounds being the distant hum of machinery and the occasional footsteps of a night guard.

you both stood up, reluctant to end the conversation. "Thank you for this, Toto," you said softly. "it's been..... enlightening." He smiled, a look of genuine warmth in his eyes. "The pleasure was mine. You're an impressive woman, I'm glad we had this chance to talk." There was a moment of hesitation, and then, almost on impulse, making sure nobody left that was in the paddock was looking or was able to see, you leaned in and kissed him. It was a brief, tentative kiss, but it held all the emotions you had been hiding. When you pulled away, Toto looked at you with a mix of surprise and affection. "I wasn't expecting that," he said softly, "but I'm glad it happened." You smiled, feeling a sense of peace, "me too."

From that moment on, your relationship with Toto blossomed. It wasn't always easy, balancing the rivalry between your teams with your growing feelings for each other, but you had made it work. You had found strength in each other, and together, you faced every challenge that came your way. In a world where competition was fierce and alliances were rare, you had found love and partnership in the most unexpected person and place. And as the engines roared and the races continued, you knew that no matter what, you and toto would always have each other .

CHAPTER 1: The First Test - TBA

[faghubby]

Fishing trip

I was looking forward to this trip for months. The four of us had rented this cabin. Well not sure you can call it a cabin. Four bedroom two floor, huge porch, balcony over looking a pool. Set on a hill over looking a lake. We had use of a fishing boat. And ATVs not to mention the streams and river near by. The weather was going to be perfect. I was packed and set to leave. When tragedy struck. The deal I had been working on, my huge bonus to close the deal. Went sideways I could fix this but it meant a trip to Cincinnati.

I called Walt, Pete and George and broke the news. Maybe I could meet them later in the week. After some teasing on how at least I wouldn't scare the fish they all understood and hoped to meet me there.

Phoebe , my wife of 15 years. drove me to the airport the next morning, she had already planned on me being away. Where I went didn't really matter. I was kinda complaining about missing the trip the money already spent.

"Maybe I will go so it's not a waste" Phoebe told me. She hated fishing.

"And do what?" I said knowing she was just trying to make me feel better.

"Sit by the pool, kyack, walks in the wood" she told me. As I kissed her goodbye. My flight being called.

"Go then have fun with three guys who smell like fish" I said jokingly.

"Okay I will" she told me in defiance of my joking. I didn't think about it again. Till I had already landed met with the clients lawyers and checked into my hotel. When I read a text.

"Cells are spotty at the lake, George is driving me" the text read as she showed me a pic of her loading her stuff in his SUV. I called her they where still on the road.

"Hello sweety, you're on speaker " she sang.

"You really are going fishing" I laughed.

"She promised to cook, buddy" I heard Walt say. They where driving up together. Pete was going to meet them there. After a brief conversation of their plans she took me off speaker.

"Hurry up if you can, miss you already" Pheobe told me and hung up.

I spent the next three days talking them out of walking away from the contract. And two more writing changes to a new one.

Phoebe

We arrived at the cabin after midnight. I was still wide awake from too much coffee or general curiosity. Went exploring. The guys gave me the master bedroom saying I should have the private bathroom. I went to shower and couldn't figure out how the shower worked. It was one of those showers with all kinds of different showerheads. I went to the bedroom door.

"Hey guys, can someone help me" I called out Walt appeared.

"Um I can't figure out the shower" I said fully aware I stood in front of him in nothing but a towel. Walt ever the perfect gentleman. Went to investigate. He gave me a quick explanation. But as he went to leave he paused for a brief moment. It was nothing.

"What?" I asked.

"Sorry never knew you had a tattoo" he said excusing himself.

"OH, here it goes up" I raised my towel to show him the tattoo on my thigh of a dragon and unicorn some thought they where locked in an epic battle. I thought of it as both sides of my personality. But as I did my towel slipped and exposed my breasts.

"Sorry, I should" Walt said. I grabbed his shoulder to steady myself as I grasped the towel. He took it differently. He turned and pulled me into his arms. I should of pushed him away. I wanted to.

But I looked up into his deep brown eyes, he was a very handsome man. White hair sprinkled in his beard. Contrast to his ebony bald head. His body hard from a life time of hard work. He stood alot taller then Paul. I let the towel fall. His huge hands grasped my breasts. My c cups still not big enough to fill them. He kissed me. Then stopped

"Nothing has happened yet" he told me. I jumped into his arms and he carried me to the bed. I watched as he shed his clothes. His cock. My God I had never. It jutted out from his body, Paul's always pointed up. But I think the sheer size of Walt didn't allow that. He must be twice my husband I thought. As he climbed on top of me.

"Go slow, you are so much bigger" I pleaded. Despite his strength he was gentle and carresed my body. He didn't fuck me he made love to me. I came twice. Loudly as he did. We laid there in the afterglow. I admired his tattoos.

"I love my husband" I shared.

"Paul is great. Let's just call this a fling" he told me. As he held me tight I fell asleep. I woke and took that shower finally. It was already 10am the guys where gone. I figured out early.

I put on a bikini and laid out by the pool. It was mid afternoon, when I put down my book. Romance smut I thought after reading a well description of sex. I thought about Walt. I was alone the sun warming me. My fingers slid under my suit and I was soon rubbing my clit. Suddenly I opened my eyes to see Pete standing there watching me.

"Pete, I " I turned beet red. He sat at my feet. He rubbed my feet

"Don't stop on my account" he smiled. I couldn't I mean I had fucked Walt last night. I thought back to a time in collage when I had allowed 5 guys to gang bangs me. I pulled my bottom down exposing myself and started to masterbate. I felt Pete kiss my thigh higher and higher. Soon he pulled off my bikini and was sucking my clit. I wanted him I pulled his hair pulling him on top of me. He smelled of sweat and push. As I tried to tear his clothes off of him. Pete took his time. He liked to tease me. Get me close then stop. He even worked two fingers in my ass. He offered me his cock to suck. As much as he teased me it was like a present. I sucked it down my throat, he wasnt hss big and think as Walt but still bigger then Paul. But before he came he pulled out. And slid it into my very wet cunt. It didn't take long for me to dig my nails into his back as we came together. I didn't want to let him go but we heard the ATVs co,ING back. I jumped in the pool and fixed my suit as Pete vanished into the house.

In less then 24 hours I had fucked two of my husband's friends and cum more then I had in a year. I knew Pete was married. His wife and I friends but I hadn't cared. Later that night I sought out George.

George was funny, probably Paul's best friend. I found him in the hot tub.

"I am sure Walt and Pete" I said.

"Well Pete has a big mouth" George said. I looked at him and removed my robe. I was naked as I got in the hot tub.

"You are a nasty little mink" he told me. He pulled me onto his lap.

"Have you and Cindy ever talked about" he asked me. He pinched my nipples. Cindy was his long term girlfriend. They had been together for years.

"No" I moaned. He pushed me up and bent me over the edge of the hot tub. Without warning he drove his cock balls deep into my pussy. He fucked me like a man just out of prison. He pulled out and spun me just to cum on my face. Then shoved his cock innmy mouth. As I sucked him hard again.

"I am going to take that ass" he told me. As soon as he was hard he pulled out and bent me over again.

"Please some lube" I begged. He squirted something on my ass and again drive his cock in balls deep. I was in tears as he fucked my ass. Whatever he used was no longer lubricating but he didn't slow. Petre came all over my ass. He didn't even let me rinse off instead marched me naked back into the house.

"You are the cabin slut for the weekend, I don't want to see you even wearing clothes" he told me both Pete and Walt where in the room.

Pete, George and Walt although all friends where very different. Although I abided by George' s rule of no clothes. Other then when we went into town. And then I wore a sundress, no bra or panties. I had some kind of sexual experience with each of them. Everyday. Walt gentle and kind. George forceful and dirty , while Pete was funny and playful. By Wednesday night Pete and George even split roasted me on the balcony.

Thursday I sucked Walt's huge cock. Proud I had managed to take it all before they headed to the lake. When a car pulled up.

I glanced out the window to see Paul pulling up. I rushed upstairs and jumped in the shower.

Paul

I finished up in Ohio and rushed to the lake. I would still get in a long weekend. As I entered the cabin I heard the shower, the guys must be on the lake I was right I found Phoebe in the shower. I joined her. She kissed me surprised to to see me. Fishing could wait . I took her to bed.

"Paul, I have to tell you" she stopped me. "I don't know exactly how it happened but I slept with The guys" she confessed, I was stunned.

"What? Who?" I stuttered

"All three of them. I had to tell you.i am sorry" Phoebe cried.

"At the same time" I asked but I was kissing and pawing at her. I was so turned on by her being a slut.

"Paul?" Phoebe asked as she grasped the stiffest hard on I have had since I was 15. "You're not mad" she stroked me.

"Tell me about it" I begged. She stopped me pushing me back.

"I was so worried you would leave me" she yelled at him hitting him in the chest. Then she looked me in the eye. "Walt is very big" she held her hands apart to show me. I pinned her down. I wanted her.

"Stop, if it turns you on so much I should just finish the week out ad their slut" Phoebe told me. She reached down and stoked my dick.

"Sit up" she told me. Never letting go of my now leaking penis. I came in her hand.

"Let's go down to the lake" she suggested. I got dressed. But Phoebe only wore sandels and a sheer rap. Like woman wear over thier bathing suit on the beach. We reached the dock and called the boat on the shortwave radio. They headed right in. They took one look at Phoebe. And laughed.

"You okay with your wife dressing like that Paul?"

"Yes, she looks awesome." I replied. Phoebe kissed me.

"Maybe they will let you watch later" she said and smacked my ass.

The four of us spent the day fishing. And Phoebe was the topic of the day. The three of them compared notes, and told stories about the last few days. I was rock hard the whole time. Even sharing a story of my own back when me and Phoebe had first met.

As we got back to the cabin Phoebe was cooking diner. George walked straight up and bent her over the counter. He started to play with her ass.

"George please' She begged handing him a tube of lube. He took it.

"Paul finish dinner don't let it burn" George picked Phoebe up and took her outside on the patio. I could hear them bit not see focusing on not ruining dinner.

"You are really okay with this" Walt smiled

"Yes" was all I could muster.

"Well I guess you get the couch then" Pete laughed. They treated me like a bitch after that. I was the butt of every joke or prank. Not permitted to drink to much since I wasn't man enough. I don't know if it was Phoebe or the guys but she made sure I got a good look at each one of their cocks over the next two days.

Phoebe fucked all of them at least once a day. I got even more turned on. As they teased me.

"Maybe you should ride on the back of thefour wheeler. It might be too much for you to handle" they even made me fish with Phoebe's pink pole I had bought years ago. She never used. But hadbought along for the weekend cause you never know.

Friday night. Phoebe came down stairs sat on couch where I was sleeping. I woke up. She wore her robe.

"You need to come clean, explain this all to me" She said. "You get excited when I fuck your friends, but also when they treat you like a sissy" she told me. I was rock hard and rolled to rub against her.

"Explain first" she told me.

"I don't know, I always loved it when the guys would talk about how hot you where. Made me feel like a million bucks. I had fantasies of you fucking George. I knew what he is like. Way he talks about his conquest. Plus I know I am not very big. And it's hard for you to finish with me,

"I will admit I have had more orgasms this week them in the last 5 years" she told me.

"And you let them have your ass" I moaned. We had never. I had asked her to try it once but she was unsure about it and I let it go.

"Walt took it tonight I don't think it will ever go back." She laughed stood up and showed me her still stretched asshole. I kissed it even running my tounge along the rim. This made Phoebe giggle. She spun and showed me her gapped pussy as well. I went to kiss it too. She pulled back.

"He finished in" she started I grabbed her ass and pulled her back kissing her pussy. My tounge probing the creves. I could definitely taste Walt mixed with her. Phoebe just let me continue.

"It's in there deep" Phoebe reminded me. Soon she was rocking back on forth riding my face. I made her cum she regained her composure.

"Be right back" as she got up and went upstairs. She returned a few minutes later.

"Put these on" she held a peach colored panties, with lace across the ass.

"Phoebe?!" I said surprised

"If you're going to suck men's cum out of my dirty cunt. You are going to wear the proper underwear" she told me. I got up took off my boxers as she slid them up my legs. She rubbed my never ending erection thru the soft material till I came. It didn't take long. Then went back to bed.

I was up first showered and dressed. When Phoebe came down in just her robe and made breakfast. As we ate Phoebe just crawled under the table and sucked Pete's cock. She came up. And kissed me. She hadn't swallowed Pete's load. Instead she fed it to me. Forcing me to swallow it. To laughs from the three of them.

"Last day" she handed me a flower print bikini. "Since you love to eat cum so much you should dress the part on the lake." I felt warm. I couldn't not in public. Not with my friends. Suddenly they where all insisting. I went and changed. The suit was very small barely covering my ass. And I had not tits. I wanted to protest but everyone could see my erection straining against the material.

We went out on the boat. But fishing was done. They had fished for the last 8 days. Today they made sure I got a nice tan. They went and jumped off the cliff into the lake. I wasn't allowed to try I was delicate. And although it pissed me off. It excited me also. So inplayed the part of the unimpressed girl watching them be jerks. But at noon they headed back to the cabin. We surprised Phoebe. They sat me down and I watched as they all fucked her. In every hole. She was covered in there sperm by the time they finished.

"Go clean your slut up" they told me. Phoebe was exhausted and falling asleep as I started to lick and slurp up 6 or was it 7 loads of cum off of her. The guys left us alone. But I didn't want to stop. Phoebe even fell asleep until I sucked two loads out of her cunt

"Sissy, don't forget my ass" is all phoebe said rolling over to give me better access. I let Phoebe sleep. The guys left rather then spend another night. I spent the rest of the day in Phoebe's bikini. When Pheobe woke she gave me another handjob.

"Paul, I am going to at least counting to see Pete. Since he is technically the only one single. And I will have to find some more since I know now you are a total cum fag" Phoebe told me. We left in the morning.on the long drive home. Phoebe made me make a detour to an adult store. Where she made me pick out a strapon along with other toys. After a brief breakdown where I admitted I wanted it. She also had me change right in the parking lot. Into a pair of her panties. She let me choose. Since she hadn't worn any all week.

All I could think about was when was the next fishing trip?

[pathologicalreid]

Girlie (gn) you hate Maeve? You have good taste I see, I fucking hated her (well strongly disliked but still) mary sue is such a perfect term, she was just boring and I feel Spencer felt so wet and weepy with her

i don't hate maeve so much as i hate the maeve plotline! i think strongly dislike is a really good phrase to use when talking about my feelings towards maeve's character.

as a character, she's super flat and one dimensional. i think she and spencer were "together" for eight months(?) and the episode where you learn the most about her is the one where she fucking dies. i've spent all day thinking about this and im beginning to think that part of the reason why she is a mary sue is that spencer tends to put people he cares about on pedestals and ignores their flaws.

and youre like "what flaws does she have if you barely know anything about her" and okay i'll tell you:

b-12 and magnesium as a treatment for migraines is fucking insane. i'm not saying it couldn't work, but all through season 6 (re: 6x12 "corazon") spencer is seeing doctors and anyone who has ever dealt with a fuckass chronic disease/illness will tell you that a blood panel like that would be one of the first steps in reaching a diagnosis!!!

why on god's green earth would you have a stalker, be dating an fbi agent, and not let your fbi agent boyfriend help you? i have been stalked before!!!! it's not fun!!!!! i'd take all the help i could've gotten at the time. this has always rubbed me the wrong way because oh my god the solution was right there the whole time. he could have protected you! he would have protected you!

i know they weren't technically doctor/patient but there is still some weird power dynamic in their relationship that gives me the ick. other than they're smart and they read, they really dont have much in common.

their relationship to me is equivalent to the girl i dated online after we met through percy jackson fan accounts. i.e. not really a relationship. most of their interaction was off screen and i think that did a huge detriment to the plot.

in the end, i think the maeve storyline and 8x12 "zugzwang" is a hard watch. i can't take it seriously. i'd skip it, but then i'd miss so much blake content (and hotch looks so good in that episode sorry spencer) (not into the fuckass bob in season 8). at the same time, i know it was like... mgg's idea and i'm pretty sure he's friends with beth riesgraf. (he loves to traumatize himself idk). but the whole thing gets messier when you think about the implications left by 14x15 "truth or dare" and the abhorrent jeid plot in season 15 where it's insinuated that spencer has been in love with jj for fifteen years (zoinks) and it's like what about maeve??? i don't know man (gn) i could go on for hours about this

that being said, i see a lot of people not liking the actress who plays maeve. i am telling you that it had to have been the writing or the directing in the episodes because beth riesgraf is incredible. she played a character named parker in the tv show leverage (one of my favorite tv shows of all time) and let me tell you That Is Her Role.

jesus this was long i had more to say than i thought sorry thank you anon

[skiller0dani]

The Noble House of Gaunt | Ominis Gaunt

M A S T E R L I S T Other Masterlist Harry Potter Masterlist

angst | slytherin!reader requests info w.c | 4.9k summary | An unexpected visit proves to Ominis that as long as you, a Muggle, love him...you'll never be safe.

Alexa play Ready to Run by One Direction & All I want by Kodaline.

My Aunt Tara passed away from cancer in December, so I chose to name your characters Aunt after her. Love you Aunt Tara.

Part 2 | Part 3 | Blurb

Ominis always knew that being with you would put you in danger, with him being who he is and you being who you are. Blood status has never mattered to him, he knew you were a Muggle before you presented a magical ability when you turned 15. He knew you knew nothing of magic before coming to Hogwarts, and he didn't care. He had every intention of keeping his distance when you were sorted into Slytherin- as he did with most people. Ominis has a reputation among most of the students who attend Hogwarts. They knew who his family was, knew that they did to Muggles. He was ashamed to have their name.

The only two people who didn't flinch away from Ominis in the hallway's or duck into empty corridors to avoid him were Sebastian and Anne. The siblings he desperately wished he had instead of the family he was stuck with. It was halfway through First Year when Ominis stopped going home, and yes he had received more than a few Howlers from his Mother as a result. By the time they were in Second Year, most Slytherin students had dropped all misconceptions of Ominis, the rest of the school remained wary however. He didn't blame them.

Ominis had planned on keeping his friend circle fairly small, he wanted to pass through Hogwarts as small and unseen as he could. He spent most of his time with the Twins, and Imelda occasionally. He spent 4 uneventful years at Hogwarts, save for Anne getting cursed by the Goblins. As soon as Sebastian lost his Twin, he became obsessed with curing her. His obsession was slowly leading him towards the Dark Arts and down a path Ominis wasn't sure he could follow. His already small social circle seemed to keep shrinking and there was nothing he could do about it. It was a maddeningly helpless feeling, although not one Ominis was unfamiliar with.

Being born blind meant Ominis was born at a disadvantage. He was behind most of his pupils and that meant he had to work doubly hard to catch up. Learn how to do things differently, and it was important for Ominis to be independent. He was determined to figure things out on his own, he was nobodies burden and often rejected help if it was offered to him. Maybe it's because he's stubborn, maybe it's because Ominis has a hard time trusting other people. His Mother drug him all across England in search for anything that could cure his blindness, but time and time again his Mother was told there was nothing that could be done for him. That perhaps if his family hadn't partaken in incestuous habits, then Ominis wouldn't have been born with this defect. Hearing that made Ominis hate his family all the more, he's blind and they are to blame. Paying the price for a choice he never made, it wasn't fair.

By the time Ominis turned 11, he had received his Hogwarts letter and went to get his very own wand. Apparently the wand that chose Ominis had been sitting on the shelf untouched for many many years, harshly rejecting any that attempted to buy it. It was meant for you boy Mr. Ollivander had told him. The wand chooses the wizard, that much Ominis knew. His wand was different, even Mr. Ollivander seemed in awe of the bond between Ominis and his wand. His wand became his eyes, it helped him navigate the world, and every spell he cast would hit its target. The wand would help correct Ominis's aim, would pulse if he were about to bump into something. His wand began to feel like a friend. Ominis was very excited about his wand, his Mother was less so. She wanted her son to be perfect, not blind with a wonky wand.

Going to Hogwarts felt like a blessing, he could spend 10 beautiful months away from his family. Luckily Ominis's older siblings had all graduated by the time he started Hogwarts, he only shared one year with his older brother Marvolo who was a 7th Year when Ominis started. After he graduated Ominis knew he was finally free, and for once he felt like happiness was finally possible despite the horrors he endured during his childhood. Then he met you, and so many things seemed to fall into place.

He originally met you through Sebastian, who you'd beaten in a duel on your first day. He was rather prickly when you first met Ominis, but Sebastian reassured you that Ominis is like that with everybody. You made it a personal goal to break down Ominis's walls, his heart was more well guarded than Azkaban. But unfortunately for him you were never one to back down from a challenge, and you knew there was something about Ominis you were helplessly drawn to. You spent nearly every waking moment with Ominis, well when you weren't running around crypts with Sebastian.

You spent a lot of time reading to Ominis, and while he didn't need your help reading he liked the sound of your voice. He read braille books, and Madam Scribner had been more than gracious enough to order over 150 braille books specifically for Ominis, seeing as he was the only blind student attending Hogwarts. But sitting down in front of the fireplace with you while the soft sound of your voice read whatever book you were reading aloud was addicting. Sitting close enough to smell the scent of your shampoo, the strawberry tarts you so loved, the smell of old parchment as you flipped through the book. Ominis was developing feelings for you before he had a chance to stop it. By the end of 5th Year, the two of you were inseparable.

Then he learned you were Muggle born, though it wasn't something you were trying to hide. You never mentioned it before because nobody had ever asked. You lived with your Muggle Aunt before coming to Hogwarts, both of your parents had been killed when you were a small child. Perhaps that's why you bonded with Sebastian so quickly. To say that Ominis was panicked when he learned of your blood status was an understatement. What if his parents found out he was dating a Muggle? What would they do to you? He couldn't care less what they thought of him, what they did to him. All that mattered to Ominis was you.

"You sure you're okay?" You ask Ominis again, bumping your nose tenderly against his. Something you learned about Ominis after you started dating him is that physical touch is very important to him. He always has to be touching you in some way, holding your hand, pressing his forehead against yours, light kisses when nobody is looking. Besides his super sonic hearing, touch was one of his strongest senses. It's how he navigated the world, through touch and after you got together you'd allowed Ominis to run his hands over your body. His fingers gently feeling out the shape of your face, down your arms and across your back. Goosebumps had risen on your skin, and your face flushed hotly. If Ominis could see, then he would have known where your thoughts traveled to as he innocently felt the shape of your body. All he was trying to do was get a sense of what you looked like, to picture every curve of your body the best he could. You were head over heels for him, no doubt about it.

"Yes of course, couldn't sleep last night is all." Ominis answered, his chest warming as you gently nuzzled your nose against his. You leaned forward to tenderly press your lips against his, your hand squeezing his before you stood from the couch. The common room was bustling with people, Ominis was a tad overwhelmed with so much noise. Large groups of people are when Ominis struggled the most, his hearing was very sensitive and listening to so many people talk at once was sometimes disorienting. Which is why he spent so much time tucked away in the abandoned corners of the castle, where everything was soft and quiet. He could no longer feel the heat of your body pressed against his, you hadn't even said goodbye yet and he already missed you.

"Gotta go meet Imelda, wants my help preparing for Quidditch tryouts- y'know now that Black has finally lifted the ban. See you at lunch!" You explain, pressing a kiss to the top of his head before he hears your footsteps heading towards the stairs. Ominis sat on the couch, nervously fiddling with his fingers before he finally stood. He thought about finding Sebastian, but he wasn't quite ready to forgive him for the events of last year. Anne is still utterly devastated, and Ominis felt a pang of guilt when he thought of Anne. He had gone to check on her during the break between 5th Year and 6th Year, and she had confessed to having feelings for Ominis. He remembered his cheeks burning all the way to the tips of his ears as he stammered out that he'd been dating you for a few weeks already. He'll never forget how Anne deflated, how he had caused it. He felt awful about it for days.

Instead of looking for his used to be best friend, he decided to take a stroll along the castle grounds. It was nice outside, you had told him. The sun was out and the breeze was light and warm, and sometimes being outside helped clear his head. You still hung out with Sebastian, you cared for him which worried Ominis at first. He never thought of himself as the jealous type but seeing you spend so much time with Sebastian genuinely worried him. Until you reassured him with a kiss that Sebastian was practically your brother. You were an only child, had no extended family beyond your Aunt Tara. Ominis didn't like to admit it, but he often felt inadequate compared to other guys. He had a defect...he was defective. He knew you'd scold him heavily for ever thinking of himself in that way but its true. Sebastian had described you to him during 5th Year, and Ominis so wished he could see your radiant beauty he'd heard so much about from other people.

You usually reminded him that he could see a beauty in you that nobody else could see. Told him he could see into your soul, that he could see what truly mattered. That usually made him feel better.

Ominis stepped through the front doors, thanking the person who had held the doors open for him. It was easy for other people to assume that Ominis couldn't do basic things, like figuring out how to open a door. He reveled in proving them wrong. He felt the warm breeze you described to him, and would respond with a smile as people greeted him. The rest of the school had warmed up to Ominis considerably after discovering that he was dating the 'Hero of Hogwarts'. You made every part of his life better. Although it was slightly irritating having to converse with people so often, they felt the need to incessantly talk to him. He wasn't trying to be rude, he just preferred to keep to himself. Oh come on Ominis, don't be like that. He can hear your gentle scolding in his head, so he continued to smile politely every time someone said hello.

"Hello Ominis dear, I've been looking everywhere for you." A smooth voice spoke calmly from in front of him, and Ominis prickled at the sound of her voice.

"M-Mother?" He stammered, he suddenly felt very small and helpless. The hand holding up his wand dropped limply at his side, his entire body was shaking from head to toe. Why is she here? What could she possibly want? There's no way she found out about you...no this can't be happening.

"It's been a long time Ominis, you wouldn't be avoiding us would you? Your own family..." Her voice was worryingly calm, it put Ominis on edge. He heard the click of her heels as she took a few slow steps forward, her cold finger running along his jaw.

"I've heard some troublesome rumors Ominis, troublesome enough to warrant a visit." The venom was beginning to seep into her tone now, but she was still far too calm. There must be people around.

"I've heard you've found a special someone, and you didn't tell your own Mother. Ominis I thought I raised you better than that...consorting with a Mudblood. You haven't mated with it have you?" She asked, tutting at him. Her finger turned his jaw up, forcing him to face her. She stared into his glassy eyes, fogged over and covering the beautiful blue of his eyes. She could see the fear in his face, could feel his body trembling. It brought a smile to her face. Ominis's chest tightened, she is here because of you. If Mother is here, then so is Father and likely so is Marvolo. He had always done all he could to please his parents, he was just as evil as they were- if not worse. His other siblings were likely off causing strife and misery elsewhere.

"I...we-" Ominis stammered, his voice shaking. He needed to somehow convince her the rumors were wrong. He wasn't dating a Muggle, no no the rumors were wrong. That's the only hope you have of being safe. "No, no I'm not seeing anyone."

"Don't lie to me you pathetic child." She snapped, her nails digging into the skin of his neck. He's sure her other hand is curled around her wand, the spell he's the most afraid of dancing on the tip of her tongue.

Crucio.

His heart drops into his stomach, he loves you. That was incredibly selfish of him, he put you in danger every time he spoke to you, held you, kissed you and yet he continued to do it. He couldn't stay away, you made his life so much better. He should have stayed away.

"The Mudblood has corrupted you Ominis, did you not take pleasure in their screams? You remember don't you Ominis, what it felt like to hurt them." She sneered, a lightness in her tone as she spoke of the torture Ominis tries to desperately to forget. His jaw clenches and his palms twitch every time she calls you a Mudblood. He could never see you that way. His Mother is going to hurt you, and it's because of him. All of this is Ominis's fault.

"As fun as it is to catch up, I'm here to warn you dear. In 5 days I will return with your Father and your dear brother Marvolo. You have until then to severe all ties to this Mudblood, or we will deal with her ourselves. I don't like you'll approve of our methods of removal." She explained, turning Ominis's blood to ice. Crucio. He can't let that happen to you, he can't. The thought of breaking up with you made him feel nauseous, but the alternative is much much worse. Her hand ran along his cheek, feigning the touch of a loving Mother. She leaned down to press her cold lips to his forehead.

"Don't disappoint me again Ominis, or your precious little Mudblood will pay the price. I do wonder what beautiful screams we can pull from her lips..." She muses before the air changes and she's gone. Ominis slowly crumples to the ground, tears falling from his eyes. Sometimes he thinks it would have been easier if he'd never been born.

When lunch time came around, you looked around the Great Hall for Ominis but couldn't see him anywhere. You feel a pang of anxiety in your chest as you hesitantly sit with Imelda, your eyes glued to the doors, hoping you'll see him. Ominis is never late, never keeps you waiting. He always meets you when he says he will, always. So the fact that you're nearly halfway through lunch and you still don't see him is making you panic. Imelda eyes you curiously, at first you hated Imelda. She was unbearable and rude to you but once you'd beaten her fastest times she softened. She's become one of your closest friends, as has Poppy. Imelda watches you nervously chew on your cheek, your eyes still searching for him.

"What's wrong with you?" She asks, watching your distracted eyes flicker to her for a second.

"Ominis, he isn't here." You say nervously, forking another bite of mashed potatoes into your mouth.

"I'm sure he's fine. He's smart, and he wouldn't put himself in any danger." She tries her best to reassure you, but you're not really listening. You wait a few more minutes before you're standing from the table and heading back to the common room as fast as you can. You don't know why you're so worried, surely him forgetting this once doesn't mean something bad has happened. He's fine you know he is, and yet your heart will not stop hammering against your ribcage. Your palms are shaking as you push the doors to the common room open, you will tear this entire castle apart to find him if you have to. Ominis is easily the most punctual person you know, never late to classes, turns in assignments on time, and always meets you when he says he will. Always.

You find him sitting in front of the fireplace, his shoulders slumped and traces of dried tears on his cheeks. Your entire body tenses, panic crawling up your neck. Something happened, something bad. Ominis never shuts down like this, and he never shuts you out but now...you feel like a wall has been built between you two. You can't read him as easily as you could before, he's retreating from you and you don't know why. He can hear you before you sit next to him, can smell the sweet scent of the shampoo you use. You always smell like sweets and flowers, he's going to miss that.

"Ominis, my love what's wrong? You didn't meet me for lunch..." You ask hesitantly, reaching for his hand. He doesn't say anything, doesn't turn his head at the sound of your voice like he usually does. Ominis knows that if he speaks, the only thing he will say is going to break your heart- and his own. He has no choice, but he wants to put it off as long as he can. He feels you reaching for his hand and he lets you take it. He wants to feel the warmth of your skin, of your love, until he can't anymore.

"Ominis please talk to me, you're scaring me." You plead, and he can hear the emotion in your voice. You try in vain to keep the tears at bay, but they continue to fall every time you blink. Something really bad happened, you can see how shaken up he is. Please don't push me away you beg in your head, screaming it so loud hoping somehow he will hear it. He won't even move, his gaze downturned and his entire body slumped against the couch. Who did this to him? You feel anger surge through you, somebody hurt him. Somebody did this to him.

"I can't see you anymore." The words are whispered so quietly you almost miss them. But as soon as he says it, he's pulling his hand from your grasp.

Wait, what?

"Ominis..." You trail off, you feel frozen. Your heart is breaking and you can swear you feel the pain of it. He turns his head away from you, building his wall brick by brick, the wall you spent so much time tearing down. You need to know what happened, everything was fine this morning.

"Why?" Your voice sounds so small, so broken, nothing like the strong girl he's come to love. He hates that he's doing this to you, but then Ominis can hear the echoing screams of the Muggle's his family has tortured in his head. Reminding him why he's doing this, why he has to push you away. Why he needs to make sure you stay away.

"I'm better alone, I always have been." Ominis says, keeping his voice void of emotion. Maybe that used to be true, but it isn't anymore. He knows he's going to be lost without you, but he needs to keep you safe. He has to. He stands from the couch, keeping his back turned to you. Ensuring you can't see how broken he is, how much this hurts him too.

"No, I deserve a better explanation than that. There's more to it Ominis, tell me the truth." You plead, voice wavering as tears continue to cascade down your face. He can't tell you, he wants to but he can't. He doesn't want you to be afraid, but more importantly he wants you to stay away from him. If he tells you the truth... you'll try to help him. Try to protect him, you'll stay with him regardless of the danger.

So when you say, "have you found someone else?"

He doesn't deny it, he simply nods. He could never find someone who could compete with you. Nobody on this useless planet could ever come close, but if you believe he's a scumbag who cheated on you then you'll definitely stay away. Which is what will keep you safe. He can hear you gasp, as if he's wounded you. In a way, he has. Your hand clutches your chest, feeling it tighten. You never thought Ominis was capable of...of this. Of hurting you in this way, you trusted him. All this time he's been falling in love with some other girl, holding your hand while thinking of her. You feel sick, so sick you can't stand to be around him any longer. You turn and rush up the stairs to your dorm room, slamming the door shut behind you. Ominis hears you leave and he slumps against the couch again.

He hates himself, and he loves you. Not like it matters anymore.

The next 5 days were spent with you actively avoiding Ominis whenever you saw him in the common room or hallway. You barely ate, hardly left your dorm except to go to classes. You spent most of your time crying or sleeping. Imelda tried to talk to you, but you always brushed her off. She even tried reaching out to Ominis but got nearly the exact same response. You told her what Ominis said, that there was somebody else but she thinks that's a load of crap. For the last few days, Ominis has been sulking around doing the same thing you were doing. Not eating, not leaving his dorm and going to classes. If there was somebody else, wouldn't he be with her? Not sitting in the common room with a kicked puppy look on his face?

Imelda couldn't even bring herself to be angry with Ominis because anybody with at least 1 working braincell could tell that Ominis most certainly didn't cheat on you. There's more to this, she knows there is and for your sake she wants to find out what's going on. He's never been seen with anybody else, doesn't really have friends except the Twins and he hadn't even been seen with Sebastian lately either...an idea struck Imelda then.

Sebastian!

If anybody could find out what's going on in Ominis's head, it's Sebastian. Last she saw he was heading towards the Library, so Imelda stands and exits the common room, finally leaving Ominis alone. He knows it's nearly time for his wonderful family to drop in and make sure he's taken care of the...problem. So he stands and straightens his cloak and does his best to look like he isn't stuck in the deep pits of depression. If he looks heartbroken they'll know you matter to him, and they'll punish you for it. He hears your cries every time he wanders by your dorm, he knows you never leave the dorm, knows you're barely eating. Its beginning to scare him, he doesn't want you to hurt yourself because you're so heartbroken. Ominis never meant to hurt you, he wished he could tell you that.

Imelda finally found Sebastian tucked away in the upper levels of the Library, sitting near one of the windows with a book he isn't reading in his hand. She quickly makes her way towards him, plopping herself down in one of the chairs next to him before he could protest. One of his brows raised in surprise, his expression apprehensive. Imelda never talks to him.

"Imelda." He says simply, his eyes turning to his book.

"I need your help." She says simply, causing Sebastian to look back up at her, signaling that he's listening.

"Ominis broke up with Y/N, and they're both totally devastated. He said it was because he met someone else but I think he's lying to cover something else up." Imelda rushes out, causing Sebastian to finally put his book down. Sebastian's eyebrows pull together, met someone else? No way.

"Ominis practically hates everybody except for Y/N and Anne so its unlikely that he met someone else. Why do you think I can help?" He asks, he wants to help. He loves Ominis, he's practically Sebastian's brother and you're practically his sister. He cant sit around and do nothing while you're both suffering. But he doesn't think Ominis will want to speak to him right now... not after last year.

"Uh because you're his best friend? Talk to him, please." Imelda asks, her tone pleading. Eventually, Sebastian nods and stands to go find Ominis.

Ominis however is pushing his way out the front doors, making his way through the castle grounds. He isn't sure exactly where his family will meet him, but he's sure it'll be somewhere away from the castle grounds. He continues to walk, his ear straining to hear anything when he hears the familiar sound of someone apparating nearby.

"Hello brother." Marvolo taunted, and Ominis knows Mother and Father are here as well. Ominis's body went rigid, but he did his best to stay calm. As long as he tells them what they want to hear they won't hurt you.

"Marvolo." Ominis's tone is clipped and he hears a chuckle from behind him.

"Come now Ominis, don't be like that." His Father says, his words mirroring your own and causing a pang of pain through his heart. A hand is placed on his shoulder, icy cold.

"Hello dear, have you handled your little problem?" Mother asks, running her hands along his shoulders and he can feel her breath fanning on his neck. She must be leaning close to his ear from behind him.

"Yes Mother I have." Ominis forces his voice to sound certain and unwavering. He can't allow any emotion in his voice or on his face when he talks about you.

"And how do you feel now my darling?" There's that tone again, the tone she only uses when he's said something that makes her happy. When he's being the cruel boy she expects him to be.

"Much better, you were right all along about her." Ominis says simply, feeling sullen and dejected. Her hands cup his face, forcing his head up to look at her.

"Your face looks sunken in dear, have you been well?" His Mother asks, although Ominis knows she doesn't really care.

"Yes Mother, quite." He responds robotically, and it seems to be enough to satisfy her. A groan comes from Marvolo, who's crossed his arms like a pouting child.

"Does that mean we don't get to torture the Mudblood?" He asks, sounding genuinely put off.

"Oh hush now Marvolo, we shall find another for you to play with on our way home. Care to join us Ominis?" His Mother scolds lightly, her tone gentler when she addresses Ominis. He feels his stomach turn.

"No Mother, too many assignments I'm afraid." He says calmly, hoping she accepts his no and lets him go. Please just go.

"Very well, we will continue to check up on you Ominis. To ensure you don't fall pray to weakness." His Mother says, her voice sharp and dangerous at the end. He merely nods and a few moments later they're gone.

"So that's why you did it." Sebastian says from behind Ominis, causing him to jump slightly.

"I don't know what you mean." Ominis says, his tone turning icy. Sebastian knew he wouldn't be happy to see him.

"Ominis, your family threatened Y/N didn't they?" Sebastian questions, causing Ominis to freeze.

"And what of it? I've dealt with it." Ominis snaps.

"What about Y/N?" He asks, and just hearing your name makes Ominis's heart clench.

"What about her? We're over Sebastian, and that will never change. So long as I'm a Gaunt, she will always be in danger. We can never be together, I should have known that." Ominis says bitterly.

"That's not true, if you love her then-"

"Then what Sebastian? Sometimes when you love somebody, you have to make sacrifices. Not like you would know anything about that." Ominis snaps, his shoulders rigid. He turns and makes a beeline for the castle, leaving Sebastian standing in the courtyard.

This was going to be harder than he thought.

[baronessvonglitter]

if love be rough with you, be rough with love | chapter 15 | "mutually assured destruction"

Dave York x f!Reader

Word count: 5,707

Summary: A life-changing secret is unearthed, altering the directions of your life and Dave's.

WARNINGS: 18+ Only! Mature and Explicit, TW attempt at self-unaliving, angst, secrets revealed, gaslighting, talk of murder and paid assassination, obsessive!Dave, rough sex, hate sex, unprotected piv, revenge, if I missed anything please let me know!

Author's note: this turned into more than I initially thought, and took a lot out of me emotionally but I'm pleased with it and I hope you are too! Please do not read if you're not in a good headspace, there are very triggering scenarios in place for the sake of dramatic storytelling. For those battling real life demons, please click here for help 🫂

Series Masterlist

It's the day before you leave for London. A Friday.

Years from now you'll look back on this day and wonder how it started so normally, as if fate wasn't already hard at work against you.

You make breakfast for the family: pancakes, fresh fruit, scrambled eggs. The new au pair is coming on Monday and you want to do everything in your power to stay on the family's mind so that they'll want you back when you return from studying abroad, but in the back of your mind you know that won't be an issue.

Sneaking a glance at Dave at the table, you exchange a small, secret glance and a smile, but his eyes never leave you once you busy yourself with other tasks. You can feel his gaze on you, checking you out in your casual outfit of the day: jeans that show off your curves and a cropped long sleeve shirt that shows a sliver of midriff. You're going to miss choosing outfits that will keep you on his mind all day.

Later you get the girls bundled up for school, putting on their warm boots and winter coats. Alice has two different colored gloves on, Molly forgot her library book upstairs. Both girls want to wear their new scarves but they're fighting over the same one. You're already prepared, fixing the situations, showing Dave that you're maternal, giving him a glimpse of what your life together would look like.

You've already made plans to see each other over New Year's, see the sights together, make love in a different country. Honestly you don't think you'd be looking forward to London as much if there wasn't the promise of Dave joining you there, even if only for a little bit. You're learning to have your forever with him in a few stolen moments.

After running some last minute errands (Carol insisted that you spend this time on yourself and she could take care of anything extra) you have everything ready. You're packed, suitcases and passport on your bed.

Slipping into his home office, you dangle a thong around your finger, intending to leave it in his desk, a small memory of you, a promise of what's to come.

A drawer that's usually locked is left slightly open, teasing you, taunting you. You bite your lip. You've never been in Dave's office without him, and you recall what he'd told you:

"There are some other parts of my life, things I can't tell you yet. I know you'll understand when the time comes.."

You shake your head. It's just a drawer, you tell yourself. If Dave were here he'd call you a silly girl, then guide you away from his desk and press you to the wall, or the floor, or-

But you can't resist a peek.

And because of that your world changes.

The rest of your day is spent uncovering your lover's secrets, and the worst secret is saved for last.

In the back of the open drawer, tucked safely into a small black pouch: a class ring with your birthstone, and your gold baby bracelet, your name written in perfect cursive.

Dave returns after work, calling out to the house, knowing you're here somewhere because your car's here and Carol's isn't. It's too quiet. She probably has the girls with her.

"Sweetpea, you home?"

There's no answer, so he shrugs and heads to his office. intending on doing some work for awhile before bed. You'll show up eventually, looking for him, legs spread eagerly, mouth open voraciously, wearing some barely-there lingerie, tempting him while his family's out. He knows you by now, but that doesn't stop him from wanting you.

He knows something is wrong as soon as he sees his office door is cracked open. No one goes in there but him. He steps in to see his office has been searched. Papers are strewn on his desk, files scattered, drawers opened. He feels like he might have a heart attack.

There you are, in a chair in the corner of the room, watching him, waiting for him.

"You're a fucking murderer," you mutter in a half-sob, alerting him to your presence.

The moment those words leave your mouth you know it's a mistake. Dave approaches you, slowly and deliberately. You want to run for the door but you're not sure you can even move. Your heart feels like it will stop at any moment, if Dave doesn't stop it with his own hands.

In one swift movement he grabs you, forces you to the wall, his large hands pinning your shoulders. He's in a rage, seething with anger, hurt, and resentment. But he hides it well, towering over you. "What do you think you read, silly girl? You're not even completely sure what you saw," he motions behind him to his littered desk. "Do you want people to think you're crazy?"

The fear in your blood turns to outrage. You ignore his question and offer one of your own. "My father.. my own father?" Your voice wavers as you keep your cold gaze on him as you say your father's name for the first time in years. "Sound familiar? He should be. Five years ago you killed him."

There is the briefest flicker of surprise in Dave's eyes, soon replaced with approval, estimation even. "What makes you say that, sweetpea?" he asks, his voice honey-sweet.

Nausea threatens to make you keel over, but your righteous anger holds you through. "It was all over your fucking paperwork. And these," you say, opening your palm to show your jewelry he'd stolen that fateful night. He looks but makes no move to take them.

"For years the cops had us convinced it was a home invasion gone wrong.. but they were on your payroll, weren't they?"

"Where's your phone? Give it to me," he demands. When you don't oblige right away he grabs it from your back pocket, rifling through the photos section, checking to see what you've deleted, making sure you don't have anything incriminating waiting to be emailed.

So far he's in the clear and he tosses your phone to the chair.

"What are you going to do about it?" Dave asks, his voice low, cold, nearly a growl, and he looks at you as if you're a bug he's squashed under his shoe. "What are you going to do with the information you have? Because you can't tell anyone, do you understand that? Especially not the police. We both know they won't protect you." He soothes the effect of his words with a soft brush of his knuckles across your cheek. "If you try to spread this.. misinformation to anyone else, you'll disappear."

A shiver goes through you and you knock his hand away. "Why?? Why did you take him away from me? I needed him."

It's a new feeling for Dave. He's never had to deal with the fallout of his extracurricular activity.

"I was just doing my job," he answers, the catch-all phrase he never imagined he'd have to use. "But from everything you've told me about him, I rather think you'd be grateful to me, sweetpea."

You ignore this little quip, too angry to think of anything to say in this heated moment, when your brain is still swimming with mixed emotions. "He was just a name on your list? Is that what you're saying?" you ask coldly.

"Yes," he replies sharply. "He was not a person to me, okay? He was a target. He was a job."

His words are harsh, but they're the truth.

"Do you understand that? Do you understand now how I see people? How my world works? It's made up of people I am paid to kill. People who hire me to do the killing. People who betray others. It's not a game and it's certainly not personal." He takes a moment, looks squarely at you, measuring how you're taking this.

"Did you ever have any idea," you start slowly, "when you hired me to be your kids' nanny? Did you ever have any clue that I might have been his daughter? When you kissed me and fondled me and screwed me, did you ever wonder if maybe my last name was a coincidence?"

"Are you trying to make me feel guilty? If so, it's not working very well. I've learned how to separate myself from the job. Compartmentalization. It's the same thing I do when I'm fucking you and not thinking of my wife, or fucking my wife and not thinking of you. Do you understand that?"

Your hand flies across his face, landing a harsh slap, leaving a red mark that even you can feel the sting of.

His first instinct is anger, then there's a sudden flash of a smile across his face, lighting up his features as he soothes his cheek. "I have to admit, with that scrappy little attitude.. you're just like your father. Tenacious."

You're disgusted with yourself. You've given away your innocence to your father's murderer. You'd loved him and sinned with him, risking so much. You even wanted to marry him someday, in a stupid fantasy of yours that now just feels repugnant.

"Did he see you coming?" You whisper. "Or did you sneak up behind him like a coward when you killed him?"

Dave's smile fades. "I let him see me, and at that moment he knew he found his death," he recollects. "It's the most powerful feeling in the world.. watching the light fade in someone's eyes and knowing you're the cause of it. It's a little like playing god. It was no different with your father."

"And this information you have," he continues, "what exactly are you going to do with it? Because I refuse to have to kill you, sweetpea. It would hurt me too much to have to get rid of you for your curiosity. You opened up a Pandora's Box. Now what are you going to do with all the misery you've unleashed?"

You're calm. Your heartbeat is normal. Glancing out the window there's freshly fallen snow. Such a peaceful scene despite the awfulness playing out with you and the man you loved.

"Carol took the girls out to drive around and look at Christmas lights. They might be gone awhile."

You reach into your pocket and pull out a snub nose revolver, one you'd pilfered from Dave's desk earlier. You pull the hammer back and aim it at him. "I'm going to spare them having to hear their father die, a little gift I'm passing forward that you gave me years ago."

There's a flash of fear that flits across his face as you point the gun at him, which he quickly masks with cold indifference as he raises his hands in surrender, backing away slowly. "You had to have some idea.. all those nights waiting up for me, patching me up when I had a bloody lip or bruised knuckles? They're not always quick kills, sweetpea. Sometimes I have to use my fists."

You don't waver, still aiming the gun, the irony not lost on you that he'd been the one to teach you to shoot. The power you have over him right now is indescribable, with the agony of the revelation of Dave's shadow business lurking just beneath.

"You had to know," he repeats. "Yet you still decided to pursue me, to sleep with me, to fall in love with me." He stares you down as you continue to aim. "Now.. do you think you have it in you to kill me? Because revenge, my silly girl, is not really your style."

His words wound you. Yes, deep down you always knew. You just never put your father's death into the equation.

"You're right," you admit. "I'm not a killer like you. But I'm just as bad as you are."

Despair and guilt rack your body. There's no way out. You'd been prepared to shoot Dave, maybe even kill him as revenge for your dad, but in this moment you have a sudden change of heart.

"You don't have to worry about me telling anyone. I'll take it to my grave."

You aim the revolver at yourself, just under your chin, cold metal against soft, warm skin. "I still love you, Dave."

Click.

You open your eyes and fall to your knees, gasping as you drop the gun. It wasn't loaded. A blinding wave of relief and anguish courses through you as you begin to sob, your entire body shaking.

He walks to you, picking up the gun and opening the chamber. Empty. "Do you really think I'm stupid enough to have a loaded gun in my own home, sweetpea? I have children, for Christ's sake." He shakes his head, putting the gun away. "I thought you'd be more clever than that, especially after all I've taught you." He sighs, looking more disappointed than distressed over your attempt. While you're on the ground, hugging your knees to your chest, shivering, he quietly tidies up his desk, putting everything back where it belongs, all his secrets stored away. He locks the drawer with a definitive click.

"You do it," you weep as he kneels next to you, giving you a tissue. "You killed him, now kill me. It would be poetic." You meet his eyes, seeing nothing but coldness in them, knowing that was all there was this whole time. "There's nothing I want in this life anymore."

Dave hugs you, and despite the hatred you feel for him, despite the maelstrom of emotions you find yourself in, you cry on his shoulder as he kisses your hair.

When you've finally cried yourself out, he helps you to your feet. "I'm going to take you for a drive. We need to talk."

In your emotional state you go along with whatever he wants. You're like a zombie, your body functioning but your brain clouded with misery.

You both get in his car, but you don't bother to put your seat belt on.

"Do you trust me?" he asks as you head out on the road.

"That's a funny question," you say in monotone, turning your head to look at him. "I don't know if I do. I shouldn't."

"Here's the thing." He clears his throat, makes himself comfortable for the drive. "I think you do. I know you always have. You shouldn't but you did. You still do. You trusted me enough to be completely vulnerable before me. You trusted me when you slept with me, each and every time. You trusted me when you told me about your awful history with your father. Trust takes guts."

You groan as he speaks about your intimate times together, numerous times, scandalous situations. You'd given your body and your heart.. to a married man.. to your father's killer.

"That trust is gone," you tell him.

Dave sighs, continuing to drive. After almost forty-five minutes he pulls over to the side of the road. You're in the middle of nowhere, far from anyone or anything. He gets out and helps you out of the passenger seat. Taking a tentative look around you see barely lit forest on the roadside, lit by a scattered amount of street lights. The snow has stopped for now, and a chilling wind howls through the desolate night.

Together you walk into the darkness. You fully believe he's brought you here to kill you, to silence you from spilling his secrets. And you feel only the slightest anxiety at this thought.

He leads you up a small path, thick forest on either side of you. Eventually you arrive at the edge of a cliff. The wind roars in your ears.

"What are we doing here?" you shout. It's almost too dark to see him.

He removes his jacket and puts it on you, shivering in your same clothes from this morning, only a denim jacket over them. It's warm from his body heat and smells faintly of his cologne. "Tell me why we're out here," you insist.

Dave looks out over the cliff, seemingly lost in thought. You're not even sure he's heard your demand.

"Did you know your father well, sweetpea?" he finally asks. "Did you spend a lot of time with him?"

It's like a stab to the chest, feeling your dad's loss all over again. "I thought I knew him well enough.. I think he loved me in his own way."

"He was corrupt, sweetpea. He had dealings with men much worse than me, men who would've hurt you and your family if given half the chance. A rival gang paid us to take him out." Dave goes quiet, dipping into that memory, perhaps wishing he could reverse things so you wouldn't be here, in the cold, with him. "I'm not the monster that you think I am. I'm human just like you."

"No, you're not human. Taking lives for money makes you less than that." Tears sting at your eyes, the bitter wind making them cold on your cheeks. You saw how sweet Dave could be with his children, how he gave off the impression of a loving husband even though you knew that particular part wasn't true. He had hidden depths, just like your father. His love for you was conditional, just like your father's.

You need your heart to stay hardened against him.

"I loved my father,” you continue. "I saw bad in him, just as I told you. But that didn't mean I wanted him dead."

"We're all just animals," Dave insists. "And even animals kill each other."

"You're the only animal here, David." You remove his jacket from you, symbolizing how you're done with him, preferring the bitter cold to the warm lies he's trying to give you. He gives a surprised grunt as you shove the jacket against his chest. "I've seen enough and heard enough. I'm walking home."

"You asked if I recognized you the day you came to interview for the position.. truth is, I did."

You turn at his revelation, stopping in your tracks but coming no closer to him.

He continues, "My team and I searched room to room, pilfering a few valuables to make it look like a real break-in. The last bedroom at the end of the hall was cracked open, with a pink light spilling through. When I walked in I could still smell your perfume in the air, something sweet like the kind a girl your age would wear. The clothes you tried on and discarded were strewn on your floral bedspread."

Now he has your attention, now he has you rapt, and as he describes that night you recall your room in that house, the perfume and the bedspread he's mentioned.

"I looked around, took my time, even though I was supposed to be quick," Dave admits. "I looked at the photos you kept by your bedside, removed the silk scarf draped over your lamp - that's a fire hazard, you silly girl." He smirks at you a moment, something akin to mirth in his dark eyes. "I saw the awards on your dresser, the photographs.. a little girl in a ballerina costume, that same girl growing up, attending summer camp, learning archery, and becoming a young woman, attending homecoming dances and learning how to drive.. I saw a piece of your life, sweetpea. And I was entranced."

Your mouth has gone dry. You know every one of those photos, have them collected safely in an album in storage somewhere.

"I didn't know your name, but the moment you came through my door, almost a thousand miles from your home, I was in awe. It had to be fate. You'd come to me, and despite my initial misgivings about having you so close, the possibility of you knowing how we were tied together was so minimal yet held such huge risk. There were times when I was sure you'd call me out for it, maybe blackmail me, so I kept my distance at first. But you were so obvious, sweetpea. You wear your heart on your sleeve, do you know that? It's adorable, especially that look you're wearing now."

You back away, forcing your body to move.

"That beautiful young woman with the pink room and cotton candy perfume ended up finding me, choosing me. I think all this time she's been looking for a replacement for her dead daddy."

"Stop," you beg. It sounds loud in your ears but comes out quietly from your lips.

"I love you," he says in earnest. "I don't care if the world burns. Everything is just a distraction if I can't have you."

A deep breath. "You should have pushed me over that cliff when you had the chance."

"I'm not going to hurt you," he approaches you with a calm demeanor. "I know I threatened to kill you, but that was said in anger. Don't you know how much you mean to me? Frankly I'm hurt by the fact you're even thinking I'd harm you."

You look at him squarely. "Oh, you're hurt?? Why don't we make it even and I take your family away from you?"

"You wouldn't." He holds you in his grasp, looking down on you with a smug expression.

"It would make us even, Dave." With a dark look in your eyes you run your hands along his chest. "I always thought you appreciated symmetry."

His countenance warms, his embrace loosened by your coquetry. "It's fucked up, but I can't help wanting you one last time," he says.

"You're right. It's fucked up."

"Let me take you to that hotel you like so much," he insists. "A proper sendoff before you leave the country. Because nothing is going to stop us, right? We can get past this little obstacle. It's just a tiny hurdle in our relationship."

Your lips curve into a smile as your blood boils. "That expensive hotel we went to, our very first night together? I don't think that's quite the aesthetic we're going for. Take me to the cheapest fucking place that's closest to us."

The motel room is small, smells faintly of cigarette smoke and cleaning product. But it has a bed, and that's all that counts.

Dave starts to unbuckle his belt and you watch, leaning against the dresser. "Remember that first night, when I bled? You told me it was rare to happen in this day and age. But it makes sense now. You shed my father's blood when you murdered him, and you shed mine when you took my innocence."

He's naked, waiting for you to also take off your clothes. "Did you regret giving yourself to me?" He pauses. "Do you hate me?"

"I'm not going to tell you," you smirk without any levity. "Isn't it more exciting to sleep with someone when you don't know how they feel about you?" However, seeing him sans clothing, a near rarity in your relationship, does something to you. You're lucky to be female and hide your arousal for the most part. You back Dave to the bed, making sure he's watching as you take off your clothes too.

His eyes are glued to you, cock already hard at the sight of your nakedness. You press him down to the bed, straddling his lap as you take him into you. Even you can't hide your need for him, the gasp of surprise as he fills you up completely.

You use him, that's the best way to put it. You care little for his kiss or his touch. You're simply taking your pleasure from him, riding him hard, the way he likes it, holding him so close you nearly smother him.

Yes, you love him, but that love has been poisoned by the truth of what he's done. There's no love in your actions, but there are tears in your eyes as you ride him, as if you'd fuck him to death if you could.

He can feel your pain.. the pain of all those secrets revealed tonight, the pain of having to deal with a man like him. And he can feel your anger, because for you, right now, there is nothing but revenge.

You feel it as Dave make himself a blank slate to take the brute force that is the only thing you can offer in this moment, so that you can emotionally bleed out your suffering and anger onto him.

You're riding him hard, taking your pleasure in a vicious way. "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you," you moan.

It's a sound of desperation and release, and in a strange way it makes him want you even more. For you, this is revenge, but for him it's pleasure. He grabs you by the waist as you move on top of him, your nails dragging down his back, leaving marks that will be hard to explain later on. Your first instinct is to brush his hands off you, but you're so close to coming, and in that moment you don't care what Dave has done, or who he will hurt in the future. You just need him, and your heart allows a little bit of his love to pierce your armor.

With his hands on your waist, he pushes up and rolls you over. You move with him, teeth tugging on his bottom lip, inflicting more violence in your lovemaking because now.. everything is different. On top, looking you in the eyes.. You might hate him, but right now he doesn't care.

"There it is, there's that anger," he mutters. "Just let it all out, sweetpea. I know what you're feeling right now. I know exactly who I am and what I can be." He takes charge again, showing you that you're not the only one with anger inside of you. He enjoys the violence you're bringing to the bed, the violence that he deserves.

It's as if you're ready for his aggression, happy that he's fighting back. You're turning that pain to pleasure because otherwise the pain will disintegrate you.

You're still cursing him: "Bastard!" "Son of a bitch!" Meanwhile your body holds his close, accepting every forceful movement.

His eyes remain locked on yours the entire time. He doesn't let you escape his gaze. He wants you to see him, because now you can't hate him without hating yourself.

He's hurting you and you're enjoying it, just as it's always been. He kisses you forcefully, moving against you, as if you can't wait for the other to break.

Your bodies crash together savagely, both of you trading your pain and anguish. You dig your fingernails down his back once more as the first sweet, fluttery feelings give way to a strong, hedonistic wave of pleasure that threatens to engulf you. There's no holding back or hiding from it. All you can do is burn within it, let your climax conquer your senses as your cunt grips him more tightly than ever before.

Dave's eyes go wide and he lets out a small groan. He feels your grief and anger, and he loves it. He holds you close as you come together, holding you close as if he never wants to let go. You feel complete when he comes, the way he pushes deep and hard against you, as if imprinting himself in you.

Afterwards, you just want to sleep. All your emotions have come to a head and you're weak from feeling them. You feel like a shell of a person.

Still, he doesn't let you go. He lays on top of you, breathing hard, sweaty from the physical exertion, trying to catch his breath.

He knows that once this night is over he'll go back to being a monster, and you'll always be the girl he betrayed in the worst way.

In this small moment you remain connected, feeling Dave's body against yours as you have so many times before. The ghost of a smile graces your lips as you look at him above you, brushing a small, sweaty strand of hair away from his forehead.

He looks down at you, filled with mixed emotions. He doesn't want to move, but he knows he has to. He climbs off you and lays next to you, watching you. The red motel sign glows into the window of your room, lighting the bed, covering your bodies in a warm scarlet glow.

"What were my father's last words?" you ask in the quietude of the moment.

"He asked for mercy," Dave answers. "He said he had a daughter who needed him. And that if I let him live, he would never cause trouble again."

You try to calm your breathing. "And then what did you do?"

A pause. "I shot him in the head." His voice is like a stone.

You look at him, this man you loved without shame, without guilt. "And how much money did you receive for killing him? What was his life worth?"

"Fifty thousand dollars."

You close your eyes. "Thank you for your honesty."

He doesn't know how to respond. He wants to defend himself, he wants to apologize, he wants to ask your forgiveness. But all he can say is: "I love you."

You turn to him in the half-darkness of the seedy motel room. "I know."

It's early when you wake, body sore, heart broken. You shower, washing away Dave's scent, his sweat, his seed, but somehow he's still under your skin.

He's fast asleep and you don't wake him.

Quietly you order a ride share service to pick you up. There's still work to do.

The next stop is the York household. The girls are still asleep this Saturday morning. Carol's home. For the last time you use your house key.

It's warm and quiet as you walk down the hallway, trying not to make too much noise. You pass by the collage of family pictures bedecking the walls: Carol and Dave on their honeymoon in Paris the girls' baby pictures, piano recitals, family vacations to Disneyland and the Grand Canyon, pictures of the life you wanted but never got.

Carol's at the table drinking coffee. "Good morning," she says brightly. "Aren't you going to miss your flight?"

"I have time." You smile back but it doesn't reach your eyes. "We need to talk."

"Sure," she says agreeably, checking her phone before putting it down, likely waiting to hear back from her husband, who hasn't come home all night.

There were times when you avoided the truth because it would get you into trouble, but now you just want the truth to set you free. "There's something you should know about your husband."

Carol's eyes are wide, already imagining the worst. Trouble at work? Gambling debts? Did he force himself on you? "What is it?" she asks softly as her nerves jangle.

You take a quick look around at the place you've called home for awhile now. When your gaze lands back on Carol's, it's impossible to keep a smirk off your face.

"Dave and I have been having an affair. We've been sleeping together for the past few months."

There's a blankness in Carol's eyes, as if she's processing the information but it's not sticking. What you've said is so sudden that she can't fully believe it yet. "You're kidding," she whispers. "You're just kidding.. right?"

You shake your head. "No.. I can tell you about the birthmark on his upper right thigh, his bondage kink, and he makes this cute little sound right before he cums, like a tiny squeak or whimper."

You feel powerful telling Carol this. "We've fucked in almost every room in this house, including your bed, just last week."

Carol's body goes limp as she assaulted by the onslaught you've unleashed. The words are too much to bear. "You're lying.."

To add insult to injury you continue: "And it's not just about sex. He loves me."

You reach into your purse and pull out your phone, pressing a few buttons and sending Carol an email. "Here's further proof. You can watch it if you want, or don't. I don't care. The tape was my idea, and Dave was more than happy to oblige."

With shaky hands Carol opens the email on her phone, clicks on the video attachment.

What she sees breaks her heart like nothing ever has before. It's not just her husband cheating on her, it's the two of you sharing intimacy, bodies locked together in a passion she had no idea you'd felt for each other.

Now she knows you're not lying, and she can't bear the thought of all the love she's given Dave being betrayed like this. She looks at you with tears in her eyes, her body shaking as she tries to pull herself together. She refuses to be the weak wife who bawls over her husband's misconduct, who eats her own bitter, broken heart in front of the godforsaken Other Woman.

"Why?" she simply asks.

"Why?" you repeat. "Because sometimes, Carol, people come into our lives just to ruin it, to change it irreparably." In saying that, you're thinking of your father, a bullet through his brain, Dave on the other side, holding the smoking gun.

Upstairs you grab your luggage, coming down to see that Carol is still crying, still watching the video, the sounds of your wicked moans and Dave's sultry praise audible through her phone.

"A word to the wise," you leave her with parting words. "I'm not the first one Dave's cheated on you with. Odds are I won't be the last."

You leave your house key on the table in the front hall. On your way outside in the crisp morning air you feel inexplicably lighter. Grabbing your phone you text Dave one last time:

Mutally assured destruction 🖤

Getting back into your Lyft you glance back at the house and see the girls there, Alice and Molly, their faces pressed to the window like car window cling toys. You don't wave to them, even when they're trying to get your attention. You can't save them anymore than they can save you.

He destroyed your family, and now you're returning the favor.

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dividers by @firefly-graphics & @saradika-graphics

taglist: @untamedheart81 @guelyury @auteurdelabre @darkheartgatita (if I have forgotten anyone, or for a request to be tagged in future chapters, please inbox me)

[compassionatereminders]

Hi! I wanted to answer the anon who was asking about what ADHD meds do & don’t help with as someone who was late-diagnosed and started meds this year. However, the effect of ADHD meds and even experience of ADHD itself varies heavily from person to person, so do keep that in mind!

DO:

- Actually hearing and retaining what people are saying. I was never able to fully experience a college lecture without panic because of only hearing bits and bobs of the lecture, going in one ear and out the other. I can truly focus and actually respond to what people are saying in a single line of thought without desperately trying to stimulate myself as much as possible to maybe get 1/2 of the detail to stick in my brain.

- Time blindness!! At first starting meds it felt like the day went for 500 years. I felt so much slower and mentally calmer, and I was able to complete “simple” tasks in under 15-20 minutes that could normally take me up to 3 hours due to distractions.

- Memory! Off my meds I have an enormously hard time remembering anything I’m trying to accomplish. I bounce from task to task without ever finishing it. On meds I’m able to think “I need to do laundry” and I just. Do the fucking laundry. It’s magical and I’ve cried more than once thinking about how much I’ve spent my life thinking I’m stupid or lazy for not being able to “just do the thing” like everyone else.

- Shutting down/fearful procrastination— I would be stuck doing nothing for days and days because I would want to do a task so badly but overly think about it and essentially paralyze myself in the decision making/getting started process. When I’m on my meds I can just do the fucking thing! Even if I don’t really feel like it! When before I practically had to have the exact perfect circumstance and could never create them, I can just plop myself somewhere and do the fucking thing. Just like I’ve been told all my life— “Even if you don’t want to, do it anyways” except now I have the actual ability to do that like everyone else. Before it was like everyone else was telling me to turn on a light, but I had no switch.

DON’T:

- Help with hyperfixation. Sometimes I can fixate even worse when I’m on my meds, just because my mind is so single stream that I’m able to do things for even more excessive periods. I burn myself out accidentally a lot quicker if I don’t provide myself with manual distractions to take breaks from daily/academic tasks.

- Immediately fix you. It was hard to start meds because I had to unlearn a lot of habits I had developed to cope with my undiagnosed ADHD— such as constantly moving, stimulating myself, having candy, etc. Just because the day became longer didn’t mean my time management became awesome either. I’m still working on tools that help ADHD with my meds!

- Not really a don’t but more so an unexpected side effect was becoming very intensely angry or upset when the medicine wears off. I struggle with emotional dysfunction already but the anger was so severe and I didn’t know that ADHD meds wearing off can cause that.

- Work 100% all of the time. Some days things like stress, poor sleep, poor diet, etc, can alter the way the same dose of meds works for you. Especially if you are nicotine dependent or a regular caffeine consumer, the way your meds work can change on a day by day basis. Some days I feel like the meds aren’t working at all, but more often than not there’s still a difference between myself being unmedicated and medicated.

- Instantly make you better at studying/task completion. Apparently having ADHD for years made me so extremely avoidant of many things that I just don’t have the skill set to do them well yet. Like studying, for example. I still struggle with extreme perfectionism that impedes me outside of ADHD paralysis.

- I’m gonna say it twice but they DONT FIX YOU ON THEIR OWN. Yes, they make your life fucking way better than before especially if you’re an adult with undiagnosed ADHD, but you have to learn how to use tools and learn skills to support yourself for the medication to help you to the max capability! I will definitely say that being on meds helped overhaul my mindset when I’m off meds and improved my perception of myself, but again, the meds can only get me so far!

I hope this helped anon!!!

Thank you for taking the time to share this! I hope anon sees it 💕

[sachirobabe]

Chapter 15

Gojo Satoru x reader

Wc: 3643

Curseless au

Summary: Amidst the zombie apocalypse, your courage shines as you not only saves lives but capture the heart of Gojo Satoru. Together with his first-year students, you all embark on a perilous journey, not only for survival but in a quest for a cure that adds a poignant layer to the unfolding romance.

<— Previous | Masterlist | Next —>

Taglist: @spindyl

You've never been happier than right now. You spent every waking second with this man, not that that's out of the ordinary, only now is you're sure of his feelings towards you. And it makes it that much better.

Nobody even batted an eye at the enhanced affection, Satoru had been like this since almost the beginning with you. If anything, it took away their suffering from seeing the painfully obvious crush he had on you.

It's been quiet around the base, nothing abnormal has happened, and with each passing day it made you worry just a little more.

But now that another month has passed, you're starting to let your guard down a little and work with Shoko on potential ways to counter the zombie apocalypse.

You wonder what happens if you're able to get a cure, how would humanity come back together? Would you live off the base forever? Was there any plans that you guys didn't know about?

Your mind spirals sometimes, and each time it does, Satoru never fails to comfort you and bring you back to the present. He doesn't want you to stress about the future and the what ifs. He knows you'll all be able to work through it.

Satoru frowns as he sees you in the lab again, it was getting late and he knows you haven't eaten in hours. "I just watered the plants again." He says and his voice startles you a little.

The book you're nose deep in is temporarily forgotten, "Thanks." You smile and stretch in your seat.

"Let's take a break, yeah?" Satoru stands behind your chair and wraps his arms around you from behind. "Even smart pretty girls need to eat."

You smile at his words, "I'm almost finished." You say and resume reading the last couple of pages.

"Microbiology?" Satoru reads the title of the book. "Sounds boring. I think dinner with me would be a lot more interesting." He tries to convince you.

You chuckle, "Depends. Where are we going for dinner?" You play along.

He hums thinking before answering, "I heard that little place down the hall is real good. They're serving soup and crackers, a real fine meal."

Your laugh is everything to him, he loves making you smile. "I think it definitely sounds more fun than my boring old book, huh?"

"Oh, absolutely." He nods, his hair tickling your face. "Cmon, let's go eat."

You sigh, "I guess you're right." You say and stand up from your seat and face him.

He grins and wraps his hands around your waist. "Good." He leans down and is centimeters away from your lips. Before you're able to whine about what he's doing, his lips are already on yours. Softly kissing you.

This is how it's been for a month with him. Shared kisses and heated make outs, but neither of you were able to go further yet. You wanted nothing more than to, though, it just hasn't been very good timing.

Sometimes you'd be on watch, other times it was him, his students also seemed to know the perfect time to bother you guys when things were getting heated. Don't even get him started on Nanami, that man was the biggest cock block of all, Satoru is convinced he has a sixth sense.

He finally pulls away reluctantly, "Let's go eat, sweetheart." He holds your hand as he brings you to the table.

You softly gasp as you see the table, there was some kind of sheet laid over the table. Two candles were lit—where he found them? You have no idea. He made a nice candlelit dinner for the two of you, you think you could cry at the gesture.

"Satoru, this is so cute. Thank you." You giggle happily. "You did this all yourself?"

He nods, "Yeah, for you." He smiles warmly. "You've been working hard all day."

"Why don't I get a special reward for my hard work, too?" Shoko teases as she walks by, seeing the cute table made.

"Go ask Nanami, not me." Satoru glares at her and he turns his attention to you again. "Do you like it?"

"Like it? I love it." You smile widely, "Thank you so much." You wrap your arms around him and give him a nice long hug. Everything was so romantic, he pulled your chair for you, made sure you were comfortable, and he swooned you the rest of the night.

You couldn't help but wonder if the world was different if you would've had the opportunity of meeting him. You're finally relaxing and taking a much needed shower after being cooped up in the lab all day.

Shoko and you have been working hard at making plans, and it's going great, only thing is that you'll need to start applying those plans to learn more. Which means getting blood samples from infected and not infected. You obviously know which one is harder.

You let the water cascade down your body as you get lost in thought about how you're going to do this without costing anyone or injuring somebody. It was going to be extremely risky.

Nanami and Satoru wouldn't be very happy, it was an insane idea, but without it, you and Shoko can't proceed. You think Satoru would be the easier one to convince, but you'd be getting those blood samples no matter what.

"Sweetheart, did you die in there?" Satoru's knock on the door brings you back to reality, you're suddenly aware that the water has turned cold now.

You quickly shut it off and shiver, "No, I'm okay." You say, "Just finished." You step out and dry yourself, putting on your clothes for bed.

"Hurry. I miss you." He says and you already know he's pressed up against the door.

You chuckle lightly and clean up a little before opening the door. He stumbled forward a little, but was able to catch himself this time. "Hi." He smiled widely, but it immediately fades, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." You lie and put your towel in the small laundry bin.

Satoru shakes his head, "I can tell you're thinking about something." He says and brings you over to the bed, "Talk to me." His fingers tuck a piece of your hair behind your ear.

You sigh softly, "With all the research Shoko and I are doing, you know what we'll have to do eventually, right?"

He nods, "You're referring to the blood samples, right?"

You can see in his face he already knows what's bothering you about it, "I just don't know how we're going to do it."

"I've talked to Nanami about it already, so if that's what's worrying your pretty little head you can stop now." He softly smiles. "He agrees that we'll need them and we'll get them."

You let out a breath of relief, "That's what I was most worried about."

"We'll get them, sweetheart. I promise." He presses his lips to your forehead in hopes to comfort you.

You nod softly, "Thank you."

"Don't worry, princess." He whispers and lays on the bed, he pats the spot next to him and you cuddle up to him. Your sweet smile made his heart do flips in his chest. "There we go." He hums and wraps his arms around you tightly.

"What even happens after all this?" You say a little helpless. The thought plaguing your mind.

"Hey—hey, we're not doing this. No worrying, okay? We'll figure it out. Just like we always do." Satoru kisses your neck affectionately. You're quiet as you lay there, still thinking. "Look at me, sweetheart."

You gently turn to face him and look into his gorgeous blue eyes. "We will figure it out. I propose you." He holds your chin with his fingers, softly moving them to caress your cheek. "Let's take it one step at a time, yeah?" His eyes frantically search yours for anything sighs of panic.

You close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, effectively calming yourself down. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me, sweetheart." Satoru shakes his head, "I'll always be here for you. Always." He softly kisses your forehead. "You're not alone in this."

"I know." You nod softly, "I have you and everyone else to rely on." Your small smile creeping onto your face, making Satoru's heart rate go down.

"That's my girl." He grins, "Hi, beautiful." You shyly look away and he forces your head forward to look at him again. "You still wanna talk about how you're feeling?" He asks quietly and brings you into his bare chest, his fingers playing with your hair.

"I just want to lay here with you...and hold you." You voice softly and Satoru's heart swells at you only wanting him.

"Okay." He quietly says. His hands going from your hair, to your arms; drawing small shapes that you recognize as hearts after he draws it for the 10th time, the gesture making you smile. He's been good at getting you to do that.

You feel your eyes grow heavy with sleep, finding it harder and harder to keep them open. His rise and fall of his breathing, along with the combination of his heart beating slowly and his soft humming, it's no surprise when you're out like a light.

"I'm so happy with you." He says quietly, when you don't respond he frowns a little and looks down at you, his frown was replaced with a softer one as he looked down at the sight of you. "Your brain was working overtime." He chuckles lightly and kisses your forehead, he fell asleep not too long after.

The next morning you're eating breakfast with Shoko, leaving Satoru as he was still sleeping. "In these next few days I wanted try and get the blood samples." Shoko says.

You stop eating and slowly nod. "We'll need to make a plan, one with the least amount of damage."

She nods in agreement, "Ideally, we'd need about 20 to 30 samples." Your eyes widen, there was no way you'd be able to manage getting that many in one go.

"That's too big of a risk, I already know Nanami and Satoru will freak." You say, already imagining how that conversation would go.

"But I think as long as we get 5-10, we can manage with small samples and make assumptions, then we can work our way up." Shoko sighs.

"Even 5-10 sounds rough." Your worry is evident in your tone. You watch as Nanami comes down the steps, he can see he's interrupting an important conversation.

"Perfect." Shoko smiles at Nanami and waves for him to sit down with the two of you, "Y/n actually had a question for you."

You look at her in betrayal, she avoids your eyes as Nanami takes a seat. "Everything alright, Y/n?" He asks.

"Uh..yeah! Actually—what Shoko meant, was we have a question." You rephrase and Shoko looks at you in betrayal.

Her eyes silently say, 'If I ask he'll definitely say no.' As she glared at you.

"Are you two..well?" Nanami asks very confused, looking between the two of you.

"No." Shoko says

"Yes." You say at the same time as her.

You both look at each other. Nanami chuckles lightly, "Go ahead. Ask away." The two of you take a deep breath before explaining the situation.

He listens attentively, asking questions and voicing his concerns often to get on the same page. "We need Satoru awake and the others so we can prepare a plan." Nanami says. "I'm sure none of us are excited for this part of the research."

"Yeah." You sigh, "This is definitely the hardest part."

A few hours pass and a plan was devised that would cause the least amount of damage and keep everyone safe. The plan was recited multiple times per day leading up to the actual event.

You grew more nervous each day, hoping that nothing horrible would happen while trying to get these samples.

Some nights you weren't able to sleep properly, waking up in cold sweats from nightmares that felt way too real. You pant heavily as you sit up again, holding your heart and working on trying to calm your heart rate down.

Satoru stirs awake, "Sweetheart, what's wrong? Was it another nightmare?"

You breathe heavily and simply nod, not able to find your voice at the moment. He settles himself behind you, rubbing small circles on your back. "Everything's okay." He repeats, "Breathe with me, baby."

You squeeze your eyes shut, working on calming your anxiety. You breathe along with Satoru, along with listening to his soft reassurances. Slowly, you stopped shaking from fear.

Soft tufts of air hit your neck, cooling you down. Satoru blows lightly on you, knowing you'd be able to focus on the sensation instead of feeding into your anxiety.

A few more minutes go by and you feel your body crash from the intense sensation, your eyes hurt from trying to keep yourself awake.

Satoru silently wraps his arms around you, noticing the subtle changes to your body language. "You're okay." He whispers. "It's just you and I."

"Thank you." You fall back into his chest, your breathing finally going back to normal. "I wouldn't have been able to do this without you." You quietly say.

Satoru gently shakes his head behind you, "No, sweetheart. Don't say that. You're the bravest girl I know." He kisses your temple, resting his head in the crook of your neck. "You make all of us brave."

"That nightmare was awful." Your voice breaks, tears welling up in your eyes.

"Oh, no, sweetheart. Please don't cry, it's okay. We're okay." Satoru holds you impossibly closer to his body. He hears your soft cries and forces you to sit facing him so he could see your face.

Tears slowly stream down your face, Satoru's strong arms pulled you closer to him, he rubbed your back slowly, whispering sweet nothings and reassurances in your ear.

He pulls away slowly, wiping your tears. "Please don't cry, you're breaking my heart." His eyes worriedly look into yours. "Do you want to talk about it? I'm all ears, baby."

You shake your head, "It's been the same every night." Satoru's eyes soften at your broken voice, he doesn't think he can handle you being so upset, it's killing him.

"We will all be okay tomorrow." Satoru firmly says, "Nobody will get hurt. I promise."

"But—"

"Nope. Not doing that." Satoru says and holds your face gently, "Breathe with me, sweetheart. Don't think about it anymore." You follow the slow rise and fall of his chest.

After a few deep breaths, you're feeling normal again. Satoru continues to hold you, making sure you're comfortable. "Better now?" He whispers in your ear affectionately.

You nod, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me, sweetheart. I'll always be here for you." He says softly, laying the two of you back down on the bed. He looks around the room, trying to find something to distract you with and make you smile.

"Look," He says and your eyes train on his finger, he was pointing to the moon; it was full and shining brightly. "Doesn't the moon look beautiful?"

"Yeah." You smile, "It does." His eyes went from looking at the moon, to being trained onto you. "We should invest in some curtains, it's too bright." You say and turn to face him.

His hand instinctively goes to your hair to play with a strand, he simply nodded his head. You feel your faces get closer, and soon enough his soft lips meet yours in a slow, tender kiss.

He can feel his heart beating quickly against his chest, his feelings growing more and more each day for you. 'This is the best.' He thinks, his lips gently moving against yours, he reluctantly pulls away. If it were up to him, he'd be kissing you every second of the day; he can never get enough.

"Hi." He whispers and smiles.

"Hi." You chuckle and say back, mirroring his smile.

"Think you're up for a few more hours of sleep before our big mission?" He asks quietly, kissing your forehead tenderly and bringing you closer to his chest.

You nod against him, his hand held the back of your head comfortingly.

"I won't fall asleep." He gently says, "I want you to feel safe. I'll be here for you in case anything happens."

"Thank you." You mumble sleepily, not having enough strength to tell him to also get some rest. He'd be having one of the hardest jobs tomorrow.

You softly close your eyes and fall back asleep, this time though, you dream about Satoru. A world without this horrible apocalypse, a normal life. He taught at his school and excitedly came back home to you, doing the most mundane things seemed to be the most exciting with him. Everything with Satoru was exciting.

Satoru gently wakes you up, knowing it was still early, but a job needed to get done. "Sweetheart." He mumbles, kissing your face softly, trying to get you to wake up.

Your eyes flutter open and you quickly shut them, the light being too much. "Is it time?" You ask.

He hums, "It's time, baby. Everything will be okay." Satoru caresses your face.

Your anxiousness had faded for the most part, Satoru did a good job at calming you down. You sit up and stretch and got ready in silence, mostly preparing yourself and running the plan over and over in your head.

Satoru pressed a firm kiss on your forehead and silently left. Knowing you were in the zone and he needed to help Nanami set up the trap for the zombies.

You slipped on your hazmat suit and other protective gear, then walking off to find Shoko, she was also wearing her suit and gear, she gave you a small smile as you both nodded at each other.

"I have all the equipment in here." She held up a bag and handed you a smaller one.

"This is for extracting, right?" You ask and peek inside, she hums, confirming your question.

"The others are ready." She says and pats your shoulder as she walks out. You follow behind her and meet up with the rest of the group, your nerves settled a little more after seeing Satoru.

You frown, noticing Panda and Inumaki aren't present, but before you could ask, Satoru answered. "They're in the control room. We need someone to open and close it."

"And walkie us." Nanami says and zips up his hazmat suit, "Ready?" He asks the group and he gets a series of nods.

There were zombies walking by, some in groups, and some by themselves. There was a small group scavenging, hovered over something dead and eating its flesh.

You hold back a gag and Satoru walkies Panda to open the gate, he grabs the zombies attention, successfully luring one into the field and the gate closes. A heavy net is thrown by Megumi and Itadori, Nobara and Maki hold their guns firmly in case of anything.

The zombie falls down and begins to screech and make all sorts of noises that leave your ears ringing. Nanami and Satoru use heavy chains to bind the zombies limbs and anchor them to fixed points in the ground, ensuring it wouldn't break free or cause any damage.

"All set." Nanami says.

You used a long hand syringe to extract the blood, it quickly fills up and you withdraw the syringe and hand it to Shoko and she places it in a sterile container. You got two more samples off of the one zombie and after you're done, Satoru shoots the zombie.

"We'll take care of the bodies later." Satoru says and once he confirms the zombie is completely dead, he and Nanami undo the bindings.

Shoko labeled the containers and kept them organized, not wanting to mix the samples up. This was repeated with four more zombies, you were able to extract three tubes from each.

As you finished up with the last one, you look to the gate and see that you've all gained some more attention. There was a group of zombies weakly banging on the gate, but every time they did, they got electrocuted.

"I think this one's our last." You say and pull the syringe out.

"Agreed." Satoru says. "We're all done." He walkies Panda and Inumaki. Satoru and Nanami took care of the bodies and everyone else made their way back inside.

Clean up was a crucial task, you all were careful and diligent. Making sure nothing suspicious touched you directly. As you finished up your shower, you felt an immense amount of relief.

Your eyes felt heavy, in need of sleep despite it still being fairly early in the afternoon. You opened the door and Satoru smiled as he saw you, his wet hair sticking to his forehead.

"See? Told you everything would be okay." Satoru smiles and opens his arms up for you to cuddle him. You almost collapse on him, feeling extremely fatigued. "Woah." He chuckles.

"I'm very tired." You mumble.

"I see that, sweetheart." He presses a soft kiss to your forehead, twirling a piece of your hair with his finger. "It's too early for a nap." He frowns lightly.

“I think I exhausted myself leading up to today.” You say, your voice laced with tiredness.

He hums and holds you close to his body, he notices your eyes were shut and your breathing began to slow down, he smiles at the sight. “I guess I’ll let you take a quick nap, I’ll wake you in an hour.”

You nod against his chest and let yourself relax in his embrace, the constant worries of ‘what ifs’ leaving your mind now that the extraction was over.