#i have so many other things to be anxious about and gender dysphoria is like... also there ig | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dysphoric-culture-is · 1 year ago

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Not dysphoric culture, sorry, but does mod have any tips on socially transitioning, especially in school? I’m not even out yet, but I like to make plans for what I’m gonna do to make me feel less stuck in the closet, but I’ve only ever really thought about medical transition and don’t really know how to go about socially transitioning. (Afab, nonbinary, want to be perceived as neutral/masculine, if that’s any help)

Don’t apologize anon, mod is here to (try) to give advice!

Mod actually came out at school a couple of years ago (a conservative middle/high school where mod was one of the first publicly out not binary people) so. Here is some stuff.

Support:

Find a good friend group, and ideally also a decent guidance counselor who will not out you before you’re ready

Some fake friends will continue to misgender and deadname you. If this continues for months on end and you keep reminding them, they may not be a real friend

Meet other queer and trans people in your school! Join a GSA/acceptance club if there’s one! Find a trans person in your school that’s older than you and ask them for advice!!

Older trans people in your school can sometimes help you buy gender-affirming products (ex: if they can have it shipped to their house and can use their card, and then you pay them back in cash, for safety reasons etc) or queer merch.

If you want your name and gender marker to be changed in the school’s system you often have to go through the guidance department. Depending on where you live you do not need parental consent for this and do not let the guidance department bully you into it. You shouldn't need a court order either

Google classroom/digitization of education has made life harder for trans students because you will see the wrong name and pronouns listed everywhere. Schools with ID cards have this problem but worse because even if you cover up the name with a sticker, whenever your ID is scanned it will out you. Some places even require students to scan IDs to use the bathroom- a double nightmare for trans students.

Student pictures are cringe. Try to dress as gender-affirming as possible for picture day and remember that you’re likely only being photographed from the shoulders up (chest dysphoria = not your biggest problem)

Not all school systems have a nonbinary marker. Mod’s school pretended not to have one and it took some digging and anxious waiting to get one (mod has since gotten it, is one of the first students in the school’s history to have one, and is spreading resources to other trans and nonbinary students in the school community). For you anon if you can’t get an X/O/N/etc marker you can get a M, which may not be completely accurate but it might make you less dysphoric as compared to a F

Yearbooks might have pre-transition photos of you or even elementary school photos of you so try to speak to someone on the yearbook committee/club about it. Senior year in general can be a nightmare if you’re trans/nb because so many pictures are taken of you and a lot of old photos/letters are dug up

The uncomfortable stuff:

You need to use the bathroom especially if you do after-school activities. This is non-negotiable and far too many trans people (especially transmascs + nonbinary people who were AFAB) get UTIs by avoiding the bathroom all day. Using a public bathroom may be dysphoria inducing but having to see a urologist/gynecologist is much worse. But it’s true that school bathrooms suck! Find one that is the least suck-y (clean, not used very often, ideally gender-neutral) and try to use that one. Not all schools have a gender neutral bathroom, and the ones that do may only have one dirty, single-person bathroom for the entire school (like mod’s). For your case specifically anon if you feel you pass well enough/don’t pass but have enough support at school you can try to use the men’s room. The thing about using the men’s restroom is you have to walk in with confidence (fake confidence is okay too!) and act unbothered.

Mod has never heard of a gender-neutral school locker room, at least below the college level, ever. The good thing is that a lot of students no longer have to change for gym, or that some schools will give nonbinary students the option of changing in the gender neutral bathroom instead. (At mod’s school, their ‘nonbinary inclusive’ policy [which likely did not exist until mod asked about it] is that nonbinary students can choose which gendered locker room they’d like to use! How very inclusive and totally not avoiding the problem! [sarcasm]) You can ask a gym teacher to keep your bag in their office or leave your bag in the gym to avoid the locker rooms.

Your peers:

They might be transphobic, they might be supportive, or they might just not care. Either way they will probably misgender you purely because they knew you pre-transition. Mod has people in school that mod went to elementary school with and many of them are literally the worst. It's a horrible feeling to know that some people will always see you as [deadname and what your AGAB was] even if you 'pass' or correct people. But unless you transfer to another school there is nothing you can do about that.

Just find people who support you, ideally fellow trans people, and ignore those guys.

Transitioning:

You've probably seen a bunch of tips for gender presentation and might have done some already. For masculine/masc-leaning neutral some are: men's clothing, shorter hair, makeup to contour, binding/packing, layered clothing, etc. Some behavioral changes are voice training (do not rely only on T to change your voice if that's your plan!), taking on more masculine speech patterns, walking more confidently, exercising (target certain areas to create a more masculine shape), etc.

The actual coming out part:

Coming out is scary. Friends can encourage you, but you also have to come out to them first.

Most teachers mod has talked to about being queer have been at least polite/tolerant about it. There hasn’t been any outright hostility, but there has been more subtle transphobia. And mod uses neopronouns in a conservative place! The only major issue was when mod sent a teacher an email about mod’s pronouns + nb inclusive curriculum and he sent the email to the principal without asking (wild stuff. He agreed to use they/them for mod, but also denied taking responsibility for his curriculum excluding queer people).

If you want to come out at school but not at home, you can email/talk to your teachers in person and tell them to call you ___ in school and your deadname/wrong pronouns in front of your parents. Some counselors will email your teachers for you if you’re scared of your parents reading your emails/searching your device

You can write your chosen name almost wherever you want! You do not need it changed it the system to use it and especially if you’re writing on paper you can use it.

You are your biggest advocate! You need to get really good at standing up for yourself. Catering to or being nice to transphobes will usually not help you. You will probably need to push people: 'my pronouns are ____' not 'I prefer ____', 'what is the policy on nonbinary students, and if one doesn't exist how are we going to make one' not 'is there a nonbinary policy', 'I will wear the _____ uniform' not 'is it ok for trans people to wear the _____ uniform', 'call me ____' not 'um I have a preferred name and it's ____ is that okay', 'how will you make room for me' not 'can you make room for me' etc. It is not rude to be assertive! Transphobes will call you rude for simply existing in a way they don't like. Make sure to be clear about what you need and don't give them room to evade your requests. Nonbinary students who will come to your school several years from now will thank you.

It’s good that you’re planning ahead for coming out anon because that can make it less overwhelming, but overthinking can also really get you. If planning your coming out (which may or may not happen soon) starts to only stress you out and not give you any joy then you maybe need to take a break.

There's a lot more stuff but this is just a general overview so if you have more specific questions please send in another ask! Good luck anon!

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sideblogforquery-argh · 6 months ago

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People are not using pronouns, using wrong words, but I don’t remind anyone verbally. TW: Su1cide, s3lf h4rm, anorex1a mentions.

TLDR at bottom, I appreciate if anyone reads this or has any advice. Other key points in bold.

I’m sorry this is so long, and I promise this is about nonbinary stuff, but there are Complications, if you will:

1. Autistic doormat. (Professionally diagnosed)

2. Anxious and hates confrontation of any kind.

3. Chronic pain that stops me from going places and doing things.

4. Long history of depression, anxiety, s3lf h4rm, su1cide attempts.

5. Speak in a high pitched voice (not natural, forced again by anxiety of being viewed as competent and mature and not having my limitations taken seriously)

6. Have feminine mannerisms.

7. Have a very slight build and feminine features.

8. I have not had IRL friends for ten years, or online friends for about six.

9. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

10. Underweight, low key restrictive eating disorder (I will gladly maintain current weight, but comment on my body, eating habits or try to feed me more and the anorex1a says Hello. Also maintaining low weight to avoid “filling out” as much as possible in breast area.)

I’m 25 and nonbinary. I’ve known I was nonbinary since 2014/2015. I had come out verbally to my mom many years ago, maybe around 2017. Came out to brother via a written sign on my door and then a short verbal confirmation in late spring last year. At my high school graduation last year (age 24) I had my write up read aloud by the principal include “I look forward to being my authentic enby self” and I wore a pronoun pin and necklace. My grandparents were also at the ceremony. I reactivated my Facebook account and posted an artistic image and write up explaining my pronouns, name, etc. I have a variety of pride and pronoun items, pins on my backpack, a They/Them pronoun necklace, a keychain. I usually have some sort of sign declaring my pronouns and sometimes my name on my door. I even attended my local Pride parade and festival last August with my mom. Also since coming out I have explored neopronouns and I like to use Ae/Aer for myself.

Now, as mentioned at the very top, I am a doormat. I hate being bother, I have had huge mental and physical health challenges. I always want to help, to do things, I’ve been trapped at home with no pain free or easy way to go into town. I’ve been alone for a very long time, not attending school, and then trying to do it by myself online. I am also AFAB and I generally don’t present in a “gender non-conforming” matter. (Put in quotes because I am not a girl) Just the other night, there was a talking head on the news who’s name was Tiana* and my mom gleefully exclaimed “her name is Tiana*, she has the same name as you! You almost never hear anyone with the name Tiana*!”

ANYWAYS, to the point, I can never manage to bring myself to verbally remind anyone to use my pronouns. I can’t discuss my dysphoria with anyone, including my counsellor, which has really increased in the last few months. My counsellor had to be told what gender dysphoria is, and he’s trying but I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it. My PMDD is also not only making my mental health in general really mad, but increasing my gender dysphoria. I have tried birth control for this, and it resulted in a suicide attempt.

I came out a year ago now to the wider family network / world, but it feels like everyone has completely ignored that fact. I came out of the closet, but a new, iron maiden style one has been built around me by anyone and everyone who perceives “me.”

I put “me” is quotation marks because it’s not actually me that anyone is seeing or talking to, it’s the mirage of a past person. I just feel so weak and pathetic, I don’t speak up for myself, I just let it happen. I don’t exist, not according to how I am referred to my people the vast majority of the time. They/them does get used at home frequently, but more often it’s my birth name. I’ve gone through waves of uncomfortable indifference to just feeling really shitty, having an abuse of use of that name, where now I am starting to not feel neutral but dislike it. It’s always, “Tiana* this”, and “it’s in Tiana’s* room,” “I think Tiana* has it, don’t you?”

I just feel hopeless. I don’t see myself ever being able to exist as actually myself. If I can’t remind my family in my safe home to use my pronouns; or that I want to use a different name, OR that (body pain permitting) I’d probably like to have my breasts and nipples removed; how am I supposed to reminded anyone else? The massage therapist, the doctor, the other pain specialist, the orthopaedic surgeon, the counsellor, the psychiatrist, the osteopath, anyone and everyone who I’ve ever met before who just, “she/her’s” and “Tiana*’s” me.

*Tiana is not actually my name, it is used for example purposes only.

TLDR: I have a variety of visual objects and signs that describe my pronouns and nonbinary-ness, but I have almost never reminded anyone verbally to use my pronouns and that I am not a girl. The most I can do is squeak out “they” quietly. How can I actually be brave and speak up for myself for once?

#nonbinary #non binary #non-binary #pronouns #neopronouns #gendervoid #gender #transgender #lgbtq #lgbtqia #enby #nb advice #autistic enby #lgbt #trans advice

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sharpth1ng · 27 days ago

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I hope it's okay to ask you that. I realised I'm trans about a year ago. I usually say I'm a transman so ppl don't get confused but I'd say I'm more non-binary, just very far on the masc spectrum. I was just wondering if you also had like a honeymoon phase? The euphoria I felt was quite intense and my body disphoria wasn't too bad I thought I could handle it. But now the euphoria died down a little and I'm constantly questioning myself and tze dysphoria hit me hard too this week. I think it's the backlash of my family tho that made my excitement die down... I thought After the honeymoon phase it would settle in more comfortably and not make me more anxious. Sorry, now I'm rambling... You don't have to answer this ofc, but idk, in case you wanna share

Hey, I think what you're going through is super normal (as much as it's not fun).

In my experience dysphoria can be something that fluctuates for a wide variety of reasons. I'll talk about it and maybe you'll relate, but don't take this as an exhaustive list it's just based on my experience and I can't speak for everyone.

1. Experiencing transphobia, even indirectly or in microaggressions can trigger dysphoria.

This could be something like watching transphobic content online, or even something like coming out to someone and having them respond with confusion or what I can only describe as disappointment (yk that thing when cis people say they need to mourn the gender you had before). It could also be something much more malicious and dangerous than that, but I'm not going to get into that here.

It's an othering experience, it highlights your identity in a negative way, and it's easy to have old patterns of internalized transphobia wake up in response to that. Even now that I've completed all the medical transition that I ever will that kind of experience that can trigger older dysphoria.

Especially having to deal with family that doesn't understand or people who question you, that kind of stuff can really get in your head and turn you against yourself.

A big contributor to this lately is people fear mongering about how HRT will irreversibly destroy your body (it wont), and make you unattractive based on cis standards (it often doesn't, but why should we care about that?). It presents a medically transitioning body as horrific, and shames those who don't transition medically for not being 'real' (which is also bullshit).

Early in my transition i was confronted with so many people questioning how i really know, and it freaked me out, made me question myself constantly. It made me forget that I know because I feel it. Thats the only evidence you can have for your own gender identity. No one else, not even the most qualified psychiatrist, is able to figure that out for you.

2. Sometimes when you treat one kind of dysphoria you realize that it was drowning out another kind of dysphoria.

This happened to me a few times, like when I got people to start using he/him pronouns and my physical dysphoria got a lot more noticeable. It happened again when I finally got top surgery and my bottom dysphoria decided to get a lot worse.

This obviously isn't going to happen to everyone, but for me it felt like once I was happy with my pronouns and my chest, then my brain had time to focus on something that had always been lurking in the background.

I had always had a level of bottom dysphoria, but I think there's sort of different stages. Like early on you just feel sort of disconnected from a body part, then maybe you start to associate it with confusion and anxiety, and then once you realize that its something you can maybe change is when it really feels the worst, at least consciously.

Its not a new kind of dysphoria materializing out of nowhere, it's just that sometimes one type of pain can hide another type of pain, and when that first type is cured you notice the second.

I wouldn't go back on any of my transition. Before my dysphoria was hurting me in much more harmful and hidden ways, but there's a unique kind of pain that comes from allowing yourself to fully feel something for the first time. You can ride it out, it will fade, you'll find a way to treat it or you'll find a way to manage it if you can't. But it does really suck to get blindsided by that.

3. When you aren't binary or when you're fluid in either gender or presentation, there's a kind of dysphoria from being forced into an arbitrarily binary world that is hard to escape.

Im having a hard time figuring out exactly how to explain this one so I'm going to start in talking about my own experience.

I feel a need to have a masculinized body, and medical transition was absolutely necessary for me. I'd much rather be referred to with he pronouns than she pronouns, and the natural way I emote and carry my body is often perceived as more masculine than feminine.

All of that is true but I also don't know how to understand myself as a man the way other men are (this is just me, i know for a fact other trans men feel like men in the exact same way other men do). He pronouns are better than she, but it/its pronouns are the only ones that make me happy.

I don't really identify with colonial conceptions of gender in general. My understanding of gender means that I just don't think any of our pre-made categories are particularly useful because the traits we use to define them are mostly arbitrary. I don't like dissecting my identity along lines drawn by a system that doesn't represent me.

I tell most people I'm a trans man. I did used to identify that way but over time I've realized the language that feels like it actually captures me is 2spirit. A lot of people don't know what that is though, and I often don't have the energy for an explanation of the fact that our gender and sexuality categories are a colonial construct. When I do, it opens me up to hearing a bunch of anti-indigenous bullshit.

(Everytime I see a post of passing tips for trans men, theres a point about cutting your hair, like braids aren't of massive cultural significance for a lot of native men. And people will just act like the binary is innate. Natural. It's exhausting.)

All that is to say that most of the time I feel like I'm telling half-truths about my gender, and doing that can put you in a weird mental space. It makes you feel like you're fake, or some kind of imposter.

And all of that comes before even thinking about gender presentation.

If I dress in a way thats more binary or masculine I get treated like a binary man in a way that makes me uncomfortable. In particular women and visibly queer people seem less open around me, which makes me feel horribly sad. As a result I often intentionally dress in a more visibly queer way than I would otherwise.

On the other hand, on the rare occasion that I dress in a way that leans more feminine, the I get she/her pronouns (which makes me uncomfortable) or people notice my masculinized body and treat me with what I can only assume is misplaced transmisogyny.

None of these shifts in presentation correspond to a change in my gender. If anything my gender has always been the same and Im more accurately described as a transsexual, in that my sex needed to change, but that doesn't really have anything to do with affirming my gender.

All of this is fucking confusing. Depending on how I present on any given day I can have different weird kinds of dysphoria get triggered, simply because when you're gender non-conforming at all you get othered. Even when i'm in a more binary masculine outfit I feel out of place because I know my internal experience doesn't match what people see when they look at me.

All of that is really long winded, and I don't even know if I'm expressing it properly, but the point I'm trying to illustrate is that the mere experience of being measured up to a binary gender when you aren't binary can be confusing and dysphoria inducing.

Its also important to remember that cis people experience gender dysphoria too.

Cis women who are insecure about having a small chest, being too tall, having facial hair- those women are experiencing dysphoria. Its the same for cis men who are insecure about penis size, the width of their hips, not being muscular enough, ect.

When society has defined a narrow range of biological realities as "correct" the majority of people are not going to fit in, and when you don't fit in it causes you to feel like your body isn't the way its supposed to be, whether or not you're trans. Even worse we don't acknowledge the ways in which constructed gender is mostly only accessible to people can at least seem to have a white, cis, hetero, perisex, thin, abled body.

Because of that, dysphoria doesn't necessarily go away fully when we transition, and thats ok. Its probably going to come and go for you, it will change over time, and most likely it will fade, A LOT as you settle into yourself. The euphoria will come and go too. Thats all a normal part of having a human body.

As long as transition moves us closer to a place that feels comfortable then it's worth it. It doesn't have to fix us or make us perfect. We only have to prefer it to the alternative.

#gender dysphoria #decolonialism #gender noncomformity #gender presentation #ask

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crystalseadragon44 · 4 months ago

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Earth's Kitsune Chapter 12 & the Author and Artist behind it all!

Releasing today, fresh of the presses, is Earth's Kitsune Chapter 12! Molly and Tam take the first Ocean Magic class of the year to learn more about Ocean Magic; Molly to improve her skills, Tam to become a merfolk! We meet many familiar Behind the Veil faces this chapter, along with a new one...

As usual, you can read it on Scribble Hub now using the provided link!

And finally, today's drawing:

Wait a minute. Isn't that the same name attached to all the Behind the Veil works?

Yes. Yes it is.

For the next few weeks, the subject of the drawings is (uncomfortably) yours truly! And today, we have the official profile that I'd use any time I make an appearance in my drawings (like Trans Prom, which is where I picked a lot of the colors from).

On the one hand, we have my real-life self. Anxious, uncomfortable, the usual. The germ phobia takes its toll, one you can see on my arms. If you're uncomfortable looking at it, that's kind of the point (for me too). But hey, I'm on hormones now, and it's improving my mental state! I got boobs, yippie! XD

On the other, we have a... Half-genie? Yes, it took me some time to figure it out, but I have a half-genie otherkin identity, one that even comes with occasional bouts of dysphoria. Fun. But this time at least, I'm not ignoring it like I did with my gender dysphoria for so long. However I can, I'm leaning into this!

This wound up being part of a multi-part project. The other pieces deal more with potential capabilities I might have as a "crystal magic" half-genie, namely a potential transformation I could take!

Lesson to be learned: if you wish to become something not fully human for many years, you probably have an alterhuman identity of some sort. But you know, having one is kind of a beautiful thing, even with the potential annoyances of dysphoria/dysmorphia. Don't be ashamed that you want to be a half-genie or a fox girl. Be the one thing you can: yourself!

#artists on tumblr #trans pride #transgender #artwork #lgbtqia #otherkin #therian hrt #original story #original art #original character #half genie #fox girl #myself #alterhuman #magic #behind the veil series

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dullahandyke · 2 years ago

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[Image description: a comic done in a colour palette of pink, purple, blue, and white, featuring the artist's insert, a pale-skinned person with shoulder-length ginger hair, an ear-piercing, and stubble. The cover shows a close-up on the artist's face as they cover a grin, glancing to the side and sweating. Beside him is lettering which reads, "Chameleon", mirrored in blue, red, pink, and purple.

We see the artist posing in thought as she narrates, "When trying to define my gender on my own terms, in my own mind, I've rarely had trouble explaining it, even before I had the 'proper' terminology available..." We see his thought bubble, in which are three smiling versions of him, in blue, purple, and pink. They narrate, "In my life, I've lived as a genderless person, a man, and a woman... and even though dysphoria did cause the transitions between those identities, at one point they were still my identity." She smiles as she continues to think, showing a version of herself in pink, purple, and blue, exclaiming, "This is perfect!" He narrates, "So, if I were to describe my identity, it would be someone who is a man, a woman, and neither/both... all at once! And my one wish would be... to live as a person who's experienced by different people, differently. There's really no wrong way to know me."

They narrate, "For the most part? That's how I live day to day, without much trouble. (Usually.)" We see her in feminine dress, accepting a coffee as someone offscreen says, "Here you are, miss." She smiles and replies, "Thank you!" We see him in masculine dress as he strolls. Someone offscreen shouts, "Nice shoes, man!" He grins and replies, "Hey, thanks!"

They narrate, "...With strangers, that is. Where things start to complicate is when people stay in my life, more than just briefly perceiving me and passing through." We see her turning and looking anxious as someone says, "Hey, I've been meaning to ask you..." He narrates, "I know it's not out of malice. Quite the opposite, really! Part of being close with others is knowing who they are... but who I am is an answer most people don't consider 'definitive enough'. Usually I'll just avoid the questions, or I'll say something like, 'Oh, I don't really care what people call me!', which is... sort of true." We see them waving their hands in a placating manner as they laugh, flustered and frustrated. She narrates, "I've just found it's a lot less painful to keep it to myself unless I'm sure the other person will understand. But it means keeping most people at an arm's distance." We see them with another person's arms around their shoulders, looking lost and resigned. He narrates, "...Distance, which became much less feasible and comfortable to maintain within romantic relationships."

She narrates, "Like any good chameleon, it was easy to adapt to what it was my partners were attracted to about me." We see him with stubble, smiling bashfully as someone offscreen says, "Masculine, handsome, BF." He replies, "Aw shucks." We see her with her hair up in a ponytail, smiling brightly as someone offscreen says, "Feminine, beautiful, girlfriend." She drawls, "Aww, stoooop." They narrate, "But so often I'd realize that's all they saw me as. If I tried to explain that I wasn't comfortable always staying that way..." We see both versions from the previous panel, wincing awkwardly as the voices say, "My man, my girl." The voices shout down the artist, saying, "I dated you because you were a handsome/beautiful/attractive person/woman/man. I'm not interested in dating anything other than that! Why can't you just stay like this?" The artist listens without comment, tired. They narrate, "Wash, rinse, and repeat. It started to feel like 'who' I was never mattered. That 'what' I was only did. And so many people only wanted one part of me."

She narrates, "I thought maybe I'd have more luck with other nonbinary people..." We see him nervously say, "You know you can like... use gendered terms and stuff for me. You don't have to always just use neutral ones." He narrates, "...to little avail." An offscreen voice protests, "But I don't want to misgender you!!!" Resigned and awkward, the artist replies, "Yeah no you... you know what, don't worry about it." They narrate, "I started to wonder if my wishes were at odds with each other..." We see him looking anxious as he stares down two paths. The first reads, "To live a life untrue to myself, but loved at least." The second reads, "To live truly but to embrace the loneliness of nonconformity."

She narrates, "Ultimately though.. I did meet someone that I really loved. And wanted to be known by. I gave it some time..." We see him walking in the snow with his boyfriend and laughing loudly. They narrate, "And I was scared, but I was also determined to know." Nervous, she speaks up. "I've been meaning to ask... would you still like me the same if I was a girl, a boy, or both? If I lived differently at different times?" Their boyfriend replies, "It's still you though, isn't it? That's all that really matters to me." The artist looks over at him as she narrates, "And that made all of me... truly happy." In a mirror to the cover, we see a close-up of his face, smiling in content. A signature reads, "Chameleon Chameleon by Willow Woods". End image description]

chameleon chameleon

a comic about being bigender, and bisexual, by me! happy pride everyone.

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elliebear666 · 2 years ago

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So, today in therapy, aside from the gaggle of tangents that inevitably took us away from the main point, and ended up having me forgetting half the stuff I wanted to say, we talked about a lot. Lol

I forgot what I wanted to write about, give me a second.

Um...

Right, I sat for a minute and wracked my brain.

Anyway.

We talked about my gender dysphoria (among many other random things) and how it's funny that, as a teen, I began developing this sensation of "something missing" between my legs. Like, this is weird... something should be here. I can feel that something should be here. Why is there nothing? Why do I have this penis? It doesn't feel right. Something is wrong. I honestly feel like I want to get rid of it. Maybe I should cut it off 🤔

As I aged, and grew, so too did the dysphoria regarding my genitals. I had a very difficult time identifying the feelings and emotions involving my penis. It was a mass of differently colored string, each thread a different emotion. And I couldn't unravel this mess. So, in many ways, I began to stray away from the desire for sex. I found many girls I liked, but to be honest, I didn't want them to see my penis. It wasn't that it was small and I was "embarrassed" of my tiny dick. I mean, to be completely honest I measured the shit out of that mother fucker because I couldn't understand why I hated it so much. I mean, did I hate it because I perceived it as small? I wondered that, but that wasn't it when I really thought about it. For a while I felt like I was, when in reality I was absolutely average sized. But those feelings persisted and grew in intensity. I fucking hated my penis, and I wanted it gone. I didn't want girls to see it. I didn't want guys to see it. I didn't WANT to have it! I shouldn't have it, was my thought. So... I didn't lose my virginity until I was like... 24? In the back of my car lmao

I forgot to put a condom on in my anxious state, and had to pull out before I came and like... came on the floor so I told her that I forgot the condom (which was true) and put it on and, somehow, kept going until I came again lmao

But... the whole time... I just felt wrong. I couldn't fully comprehend it. It felt good, don't get me wrong. Sex feels good. But... it wasn't right. I mean, to be fair, I shoved every object known to man up my asshole, felt like something was missing between my legs, you'd think I'd have put two and two together. But... I didn't fully. Even though I knew, inside, that I was a girl, the disconnect between what I saw and what I felt permeated my every interaction.

So, in some ways, I started to think... well, maybe it's because I don't love her? So, after a couple years of a tumultuous and stormy relationship, I broke things off. I rebounded, in many ways, into my ex. Not at first. I thought she was pretty but I just needed a friend. But then I started getting feelings. And, we ended up kind of dating and I felt in love with her - the relationship was inevitably toxic and mutually abusive and full of fights and splitting and basically BPD insanity. We had sex a lot and often, and she was gorgeous and I loved her. Fuck I loved her so fucking much. I would have moved heaven and earth to see her smile. But I had so many problems, and she wasn't meant to be mine, no matter how much I was obsessed with her and adored her. But sex still felt wrong. I wondered if it was because I didn't love her either. I was attracted to her, I loved her. But sex started to become upsetting. And yet I never said anything. Fuck, I suppressed myself so completely that I never let it slip. I told her lies about who I was and the people I'd dated. I'm not even sure why. I lied to everyone all the time tbh. I lived a fiction because my real life was so fucking painful and wrong that I figured I might as well create a fiction to live in. If I can't be a woman, if I can't wake up the woman I should be, I'd just live a lie. And I hurt people too. I did. I hurt people with my lies and my pain and anger and acting out. Fuck I hated myself. But god damn it I can't even express how much agony I was in every fucking day. I wish everyone knew what I was dealing with. Fuck... I wish everyone knew.

After that relationship eventually crumbled into disaster and my unhinged behavior escalated - I was unmedicated, in emotional torment, and dealing with gender dysphoria. I was a horrible and vile person and I wanted to kill myself because I was so bad. Even after attempting it because the pain of the breakup was too much.

But... then something clicked. It was one night, while I sat alone in my little house in the backyard. In the middle of the night, I'd gone and bought briquettes that I was going to use to suffocate myself with CO2. I'd put towels under the door and a blanket around it to keep the air from circulating. I had a little bbq thing that I was going to put the briquettes in. And I had written letters to all my family, to my ex, apologizing profusely for all the pain I caused and how I hoped she would find happiness because I would always love her. One each to my two best friends.

And, as I sat in the dark in the middle of the night, I decided to think about... 1. Why I wanted to die and had wanted to die for so long. 2. What would make me not want to die.

I wracked my brain. Would I not want to die if my ex came back to me? No... I still would. She was a bandaid at best, and all the love and obsession I had with her was only keeping me from looking deep within myself.

No. I realized that night. "If I was female, living my life as a normal woman, I wouldn't want to die. If I was the girl I felt I should be, for as long as I can remember... if I was her? I could live even without my ex, despite how much I fucking just... FUCK. I was obsessively and madly in love with this woman and... god I don't think she knew how much I loved her. I don't even know if she cared. But... god... fuck. But, I was Matthew. How could I ever live life as the woman I was if I looked like this? Sounded like this? Like, I had vocal dysphoria for so fucking long. I tried to sing like a woman when I was alone in my room at my apartment when I was like 18-21 and I just couldn't do it. So I'd talk into voice changers, make my voice feminine, and long and dream about being the woman I wanted to be. All day every day. I would go to sleep praying, and wake up devastated every morning. I can't even explain yo you how much I suffered because of this. More than much of my trauma and growing BPD patterns, more than my bipolar disorder and undiagnosed ADHD.

So, I started to Google that. I started doing research. I took down all the shit I'd prepared for my suicide, put away the briquettes, and started to look into shit. Gender dysphoria. Becoming a woman. How to become a woman. How to look and sound female. How to be the girl I needed to be. And slowly but surely, as I languished alone in my little house all through the night, it finally started dawning on me that... fuck. I was fucking trans. I was a trans woman. I had gender dysphoria that was fucking killing me. And I found out, shortly after, that hormones were issued for exactly the process of changing our sex markers and either feminizing or masculinizing our bodies. It was slow at first, and I had a lot of shame and internalized transphobia... but over time I knew what I had to do. Tbh, I still measured my penis for a while. I just... although I knew I was trans I still couldn't recognize the actual emotions I felt about my penis. Like... I knew I was being obsessive, and i knew there was technically nothing wrong with my penis... and then, I can't quite remember when, it suddenly fully made sense in my head and I no longer cared about trying to understand the emotions. In many ways, it was disgust. It was pain. It was anger. It was frustration. It was dysphoria. I shouldn't have been born with a penis because, fuck, I was a woman, dude. I was a girl and I had felt so fucking trapped in this horrific nightmare for so fucking long... so fucking long. I just... fuck, since I was 6 or 7 I knew. Maybe even before. But it was so hard to accept what I felt, when what I was told and what I saw... was that I was boy.

But now? Hell, my cock and have shrunk a good bit. Like, I'm betting I've lost a good 1.5-2 inches on my penis, and my testicles are little tiny balls. The funny thing is, I'm fucking ecstatic that my genitals have shrunk. I haven't even thought about measuring the damn thing to see how much I've actually lost because I 100% understood my feelings. Sure, there was insecurity. But... not about the fucking size of the damn thing, it was that I fucking HAD ONE. It wouldn't have mattered if I was fucking hung as shit. I'd still have hated it and wanted it gone and been insecure about it's very existence. I should have been born with a fucking pussy, bro lmao. And my body and brain were telling me this and, because males aren't taught about emotions, self or identity, I suffered in agonizing silence for fucking two+ decades and I couldn't even put to words my emotions. I didn't understand what I was feeling. Like, yeah, Alexithymia. But... idk, I feel so fuckong liberated. I feel free. I feel actual happiness and I am coming to actually love both myself and my body, my face. My breasts. My femininity.

I never thought I would have this in my fucking life. I thought I was destined to suffer as Matthew for my entire fucking life... and yet, here I am. Alive. As Elleanor AKA Ellie. And fuck... I'm so fucking euphoric and happy with my voice and my social life and my relationships and my body and emotions and hormones. Like... FUCK.

For anyone that doesn't understand how fucking painful being trans can be, for how real of a phenomenon it is? Stop being a piece of shit lmao

Transitioning has saved my fucking life. I am alive today because I realized that I could be the woman I was, that I could be the person that lived in my head since I was a child. The girl I called Sarah for so long. I fucking love myself.

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tinyplanetss · 4 years ago

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☺️ my name is logan

its not an announcement (we know this) im just so happy with my name its very much my own

#talks #and like yes it technically was taken from a character that i relate heavily to #but ive never felt that i Was a name before #ive had lots of characters ive deeply related to but ive Never wanted their names #for a while i was worried that my gender crisis just so Happening to overlap with my second tss hyperfixation would lead to later #embarassment. but the way that it occurred to me that i was using the name for Myself in my head felt so natural and just Correct #and now im out of that hyperfixation completely but my name is Still my own #not in a way thats purposely detatched from the character either!#its just my own. but its also others. but this one is mine specifically #i was also kinda worried that it would be weird to read posts about the character afterwards bc we would have the same name #but its. not? like its the same name but my brain never crosses those wires at all!#'logan' is his name and 'logan' is my name and its the same but its different! like. the letters and sounds are the same but the #hidden encoding beneath is each of us separately #and ive been anxious about my name before but ive Never regretted it. and i still dont! its mine and its perfect and i adore it #just. feelin very 🥰 about it today!#in other news. i was havin a dysphoria crisis in the shower and then i remembered Oh Yes I Own A Binder!#(i havent been wearing it much bc i havent been doing Things? just grocery shopping and blurry zoom cameras)#and i was like oh yeah. let me wear that for the first time in like two months #AND LO AND BEHOLD. its the perfect line between my gender presentations (flat but not utterly and a strap so my chest and shoulders dont #feel bare) how many times do i have to re-remember these things. hsjdjdjd #like HELLO ive alreay solved this issue. please just remember it this time #ANYWAY!!!!!! yes i took a different type of adhd meds today and i really like these ones a Lot #if its not clear. its really helping me so much. god #if u read this far. thanks for listening. i love u 🥰💕 have a nice day!!!!!! 💞💖💚💜💙💖

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snarltoothed · 2 years ago

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disclaimer: i am neither diagnosed nor strictly self-diagnosed, but i have always displayed some degree of autistic behavior/symptomolgy (whether caused by autism or by a collective of other things, i think my experience is possibly comparable)

i do think that in my teens, expressing socially acceptable femininity was a way of masking for me. i was very anxious about being seen barefaced by my peers, because i was aware that being “attractive” was one of the few forms of social leverge i could pull off, but also did not care about the social norms of like not putting on makeup publicly and i definitely had to learn modesty through negative/unwanted attention.

i do think that if i am autistic it’s definitely not in the rule-follower kind of way, i definitely err more toward the “if it doesn’t make sense to me, i’m not doing it” side of things

and i think that because i was masking through femininity during my teens, that actually protected me somewhat from gender ideology because it presented me with an easy out when prompted about my own gender identity — i present femme, therefore it only makes sense that i am a woman and use she/her. back then if pressed further about my nonfeminine behaviors i’d maybe specify further that maybe i was agender but had no dysphoria and presented femininely with she/her pronouns and thus “passed” as a ciswoman so it didn’t really matter either way. (which back then at least was seen sort of as “checking my privilege” and thus didn’t rock any boats)

it’s weird though, because i remember as a child and a pre-teen being vocally AGAINST makeup, i even recall a discussion i had with my grandma around 11 or 12 about how makeup was unfair not only to the girls who didn’t wear it yet (like myself) because it made us feel insecure, but also the girls who were already wearing it because they now feel obligated to do so in order to not feel insecure. i feel like i haven’t heard many other women express an experience like mine when discussing “peaking” and actually beginning to lean into radical feminism — for me it almost feels as if a return to my true values rather than a discovery or continuation of them as many other women seem to describe it being.

Patriarchy affects autistic women and girls in a unique way imo. I'm thinking particularly of masking (when you learn and perform behaviors from others to hide your autistic traits), but also of the autistic tendencies to compartmentalize, to want clear rules (esp socially), to assume honestly and/or good faith from others, to generally struggle to understand the intentions of others.

If we can't intuit social rules, then it makes sense that we would try to learn them by rote from outside sources. And when those outside sources are pushing patriarchal roles on us, when it seems like other women find it easy or natural, when we can't or don't trust ourselves to understand how to be accepted/acceptable...is it any wonder we try to mask? Is it any wonder we're more vulnerable?

I think this same thing is why a disproportionate amount of autistic women ID as trans or nonbinary. It makes perfect sense to me. Gender ideology offers us a different script; it says, "Do you feel ostracized, lonely, like an outsider? Here is a solution. Here is an alternate path." And then we're given an explanation, different rules to follow, something that seems less constricting than the rules of femininity. That's why gender ideology appealed to me, anyway. After years of struggling to perform femininity and growing steadily more dissociated from my body due to misogyny and disability, the idea that I could opt out sounded marvelous! Except, of course, that's not how it works.

This post has been All About Me but I'm an extremely rule-bound person, and I know many other autistics are not. So I'm curious—

Autistic women, do you find that patriarchy and misogyny have affected you in ways specific to being autistic?

#sorry if this is unwelcome input — if so feel free to disregard!#there is a higher incidence of autism among women with one of the health conditions i have #and i’m kind of unsure if we are actually more inclined toward autism for physical/biological/genetic reasons #or if there is overlapping symptomology that just isn’t well understood resulting in misdiagnosis #i do know i experience that symptomology though #and i did kinda stray on the last point but it felt relevant?#a lot of the ‘symptomolgy’ i refer to is in reference to like sensory isssues but i def have social issues too #those are just more difficult to narrow down to two or even three possible causes lol #i do believe that my condition has led to some speculation about the cause of autism and adhd because of the high incidence as well #but that’s all speculative theory atm.#i mean with SOME data to back it up just not enough to prove anything definitively

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iwannawritelots · 3 years ago

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Obey Me! Babes with MC Binding Unhealthily

Originally written June 2022

My brain is just so fucking full help. I can’t sit down and actually write well because I’m too upset from family shit so I’m making this headcanon just in case I can’t get anything done. (Also part of why I’ve been publishing so much old stuff that isn’t on here recently lmao.) Whenever I write headcanons there is a chance I’ll make them into fics so lol

Written for AFAB trans MC who binds! (I know some cis women bind too but MC is pretty trans coded here)

Please take care of yourself when you bind!

TW/CW: gender dysphoria, unhealthy binding

Lucifer💙

will lose his fucking mind if you bind too long or in a dangerous manner

Like what are you thinking!?

This is assuming he’s even aware, considering demons have different rules and he’s always working so he may not even notice.

he scolds you out of habit, but then feels a bit guilty after remembering that binding just helps you feel better about yourself

It takes a while for him to swallow his damn pride and apologize for how he addressed it, and reminds you it’s only because he cares that he got upset

If you are one to wear your partner’s/partners’ clothes, he’ll find something of his for you to wear if it’ll help comfort you when you need to stop binding

tries to be nicer when he addresses your unhealthy binding from now on

Mammon💛

He’s one of the ones I usually headcanon as transmasc so I imagine he can understand it lmao

tries to explain that he’s worried but also he’s a fuckin’ tsundere and doesn’t know how to properly express his concern

“It’s not like I care but ya shouldn’t bind so long! You’re a human and your body can’t handle that much bindin’!”

If you have a smaller build than him, he’ll let you borrow any of his clothes that are baggy on you

will definitely buy you whatever you need no matter what though. He will go bankrupt for you (please don’t encourage this)

You will not hear the end of it if he finds out you exercised in a binder (without sizing up)

Leviathan🧡

Another one I usually headcanon as transmasc lmao

he has so many hoodies, just take them when your binding time for the day is up. He will not understand why you’d want his hoodie though, he’s a yucky otaku! Another grim in the “self-deprecating comment” jar

He’s a bit too afraid to confront you about it because he doesn’t want it to somehow sound like he doesn’t like you binding in general??? He’s so anxious please

Ends up stammering about how he doesn’t want you to break your ribs by binding too long or accidentally falling asleep in it

He just cares a lot

Satan💚

I headcanon him as transmasc non-binary/demiboy so um

like Lucifer, he scolds you out of concern

reminds you that it will make complications in your health if you bind too long or without breaks!

reminds you to cough after binding to loosen any built up liquid in your lungs

he will offer any of his sweaters if you want to wear them for comfort/to mask your chest shape

Asmodeus💘

he really tries to be nice but your health is super important! Might get a little agitated if you repeatedly do unhealthy binding

assures you that you’re still very masculine when you need to stop binding for the day and he doesn’t see you as anything but the gender you are

will help you find the best sports bras and baggy clothes to help you feel better about things

(Also probably makes sure you have more than one binder because of all the sweat/grime buildup that will happen if you don’t wash them enough)

Frequently reminds you to take breaks and always makes sure you coughed after taking it off

don’t even think about unhealthy binding habits with Asmo around!

Beelzebub❤️

probably doesn’t even notice until the others mention it to him

Then he makes sure to watch out for it a lot more

he’ll notice without being tipped off if you exercise with him because??? Why are you struggling to breathe so much??

he’s very gentle about it

If you’re smaller than Beel, he definitely won’t mind you using his clothes that are baggy on you

Makes sure you take breaks and reminds you to cough after binding

Belphegor💜

He’s kind of indifferent about it until he finds out how much it can actually hurt you

if you’re getting ready to nap together he always makes sure your binder is off

will help you bundle up in a hoodie, sometimes even with a bunch of big blankets too if you want

Lord Diavolo❣️

he’s so clueless lol

probably has to be told by one of the brothers that you have a habit of binding unhealthily

he does his own research on how to properly ensure you’re careful, but most of the time he just asks how long you’ve been binding for since he doesn’t want to be mean

once he’s more comfortable he’ll be a bit more strict about you taking breaks and not exerting yourself while you’re binding

Barbatos🖤

like Asmo, just don’t even try

you’re a minute over the eight hour limit? here’s a sports bra, go change

you haven’t taken a break yet? Go take one

Did you remember to cough after taking your binder off? No? Cough right now. He wants to see you do it.

You’re sick and have a binder on!? Go take it off right now!

he’s strict about it but as soon as you ask if he has any clothes you could borrow he’s all pink in the face and muttering about “why would you want my clothes? I’m not all that interesting. If you insist.” You make him put a Grimm in his “self-deprecating comment” jar.

Simeon🤍

he just wants you to not break your ribs or hurt yourself somehow but he also doesn’t want to hurt your feelings

comes prepared with a hoodie before he tells you to change

will bury you in blankets if you want

if you’re particularly upset for whatever reason that day he’ll do his frickin best to help you mask your chest shape

reminds you to cough when you take it off

often asks about how your chest is feeling in case you need to take it off

Solomon🤎

yet another I headcanon as transmasc

he is a bit more lenient since he’s a human himself but he won’t let you get away with too much

reminds you to cough when taking it off, to take breaks, when your time will be up

he’s nice about it but if you fight him he will get a bit frustrated

He knows it’s only ‘cause you want to be comfortable with yourself a bit longer, so he manages to not be upset with you lol

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themagnuswriters · 4 years ago

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Asexuality in Fic Roundtable - What We Like

How do I write a convincing asexual character in a fic? Is there a way to address a character’s sexuality outside the context of sex or coming out? Can a story feature a character's asexuality aside from exploring the negative aspects of the asexual experience? It’s usually not too hard to find lists of what not to do when writing asexual characters, but much more difficult to find the opposite.

The asexual members of The Magnus Writers discord gathered to discuss their favorite ways to incorporate the day-to-day details of asexual peoples’ experiences into fiction. We also discussed depictions that we’ve enjoyed in the past, or would love to see more of. Note that this isn’t an Asexuality 101 resource, so if you don’t feel familiar with the basics, feel free to check out the resources we will link in the reblog of this post.

This conversation included a variety of ace-spectrum people from multiple countries, including both arospec and non-aro people, various genders, and varying relationships to sex and sexual content. Just like all asexual people are different, the things that we enjoy reading are far from universal. Some tropes/details brought up as favorites can vary widely--for example, “innuendo completely flies over their head” vs. “they understand but are completely unfazed by innuendo.” Additionally, some aces love tropes that others would prefer to avoid: for instance some enjoy discussions of physical boundaries to be included in the fic, and some prefer that to be established as happening in the past.

The examples brought up in our discussion are also far from comprehensive, and can be seen as the beginning of an endless list of possible ways to write asexual characters. Some examples given are specific to the Magnus Archives, but can apply to any writing. Take these as inspiration and a way to broaden your understanding of who we are and what we like to see!

ASEXUALITY IN YOUR SETTING

When writing a story including asexual characters, one of your first considerations may be for how asexuality is contextualized within your setting: Is it fully normalized and accepted? Does it reflect real-world stigmas? How is asexuality treated by the narrative and the other characters? Contributors showed interest in a variety of approaches on this front, with no single approach being worth more than other:

Fics including negative real-world experiences

These would include fics in a realistic setting, where characters may struggle with internalized acephobia, stigma, social pressure, microaggressions, dysphoria, and so on. This isn’t limited to just “issue fic,” where the focus of the fic is about examining and confronting a struggle, but rather encompasses anything that includes this consideration in its worldbuilding and characterization. While brighter settings can be refreshing, contributors described reasons why this kind of fic appeals to them:

Feeling seen: Reading about ace characters whose experiences reflect their own

Feeling validated: Being exposed to only stories where there are no issues on this front can feel like we’re the only one facing these struggles. It can be extremely cathartic to read something and think “I thought I was the only person who went through this.”

Exploring improvement/hope: ��From ace characters learning to accept themselves or other characters making mistakes and accepting correction, these can be validating and encouraging.

On top of ace readers finding worth in these fics, the act of writing the fic can also be very cathartic for many ace authors.

There is a lot of variety for how these fics can be written, such as:

Stories that focus on the negative experience

Stories where that experience is just part of the setting or characterization

The character(s) getting external support and validation

The character facing mixed dismissiveness, acceptance, prejudice, etc. from different people

The story resolving in a way where the situation is resolved: for instance, cutting off an acephobic relationship, or someone apologizing for a microaggression.

Stories where well-meaning characters are accidentally insensitive about asexuality, but learn better and change their behavior

The character confronting or overcoming an internal struggle

Stories where the issues aren’t fully resolved by the end, such as an insecurity not fully going away.

Negative asexual experiences don’t have to be the focus of a fic to be acknowledged. While “issue fics” that closely examine and explore these experiences are valuable, contributors also described enjoying stories that included them as simply an element of the worldbuilding or characterization. For instance, a story may reference Jon having bad past relationship experiences; facing assumptions that he’s having sex if he’s in a relationship; having moments of insecurities about his sexuality; etc.

Please note that writing negative ace experiences needs to be handled sensitively; fics of this type should definitely be tagged appropriately. For brief references, consider including author’s note warnings on the appropriate chapter (e.g. “asexual character assumed to be having sex”). Having an asexual sensitivity reader--particularly one of a type that corresponds with what you’re writing (i.e. sex-neutral, gray-ace, sex-repulsed, etc)--is very much encouraged.

Fics where asexuality is normalized

In contrast, there is just as much interest in stories that avoid all of these issues, and fully normalize asexuality. Contributors described how they enjoy stories where ace characters are allowed to just exist, without big important conversations or small othering details that depict asexual identities as less than fully accepted.

These can be included in any type of fic, but a few of the suggested details for how to normalize asexuality in a setting include:

A character being already out and accepted: For instance, Martin already knowing about Jon’s asexuality from early seasons.

Characters in the fic already knowing what asexuality is without needing it explained to them

Having more than one character be asexual: We aren’t confined to writing only canon characters as ace! This not only goes the extra mile in normalizing asexuality, but it gives the chance to include more of the ace spectrum.

If you’re aiming for asexuality to be normalized, please consider whether it makes sense for your asexual character to be anxious about coming out or discussing boundaries. There is a world of difference between someone responding to an ace character coming out with “I fully support you” and responding with “you’re an idiot for thinking we wouldn’t support you.” This is a common and easy pitfall to fall into, but the result is often less escapism and more a message of “your struggles aren’t real, and you’re stupid for thinking they are.”

Asexuality in Metaphor

Some contributors mentioned wanting to read settings where asexuality itself is normalized, but the issues facing aces could be explored on a metaphorical level. This falls somewhere in between the ideas of realistic or idealized settings as regards the ace experience, and could allow that exploration with a layer of distance. Ideas relating to this included fantasy settings with different kinds of magic.

PERSONALITY AND CHARACTERIZATION

The experience of being asexual isn’t something just limited to a relationship with sex: it can be shown in many ways, such as how a character relates to themselves, other people, media, and society. Like any other queer identity, it affects many aspects of our lives and informs a great deal about us as people. These little details don’t even need to be presented in a blunt “this is because this character is asexual” way--they can be little relatable notes for your ace readers, while not coming across in a “this is how all ace people are” way.

We’ve seen the question “how do I write a character as asexual, if I’m not planning on having someone ask them for sex or writing a coming-out scene?” many times. Our contributors were excited to share a wide variety of ideas for this from things they’ve read, written, or experienced:

Ace confusion

Not to be confused with the infantilizing “doesn’t know what sex is” approach, this could involve things like:

Being confused over what sexual attraction is: difficulty defining what they don’t experience.

Difficulty describing to others what lack of sexual attraction is: this is their default, and it can be difficult to contrast it to what they don’t experience.

Thinking that others describing sexual attraction or interest is just exaggeration

“Wait, that’s what you mean when you say ‘hot’? I just thought it meant they’re gorgeous.”

“You mean meeting someone and being instantly sexually interested in them is a real thing, and not just a movie trope?”

The Absurdity of How Society Views Sex

The jarring dissonance between asexual experiences and the norms in society and media can cause a lot of alienation and dysphoria in aces, but often it hits a point of feeling like a joke is being played on you. Contributors offered ideas for how this could be illustrated through a character:

Reading “How to Spice Up Your Love Life” articles out of pure morbid curiosity

Taking the most ridiculous Cosmo sex life article as How Everyone Thinks (and being concerned)

Having an allo friend or partner they can ask about whether any of it is legitimate advice (this one was brought up by a lot of people as a common ace experience)

An ADHD/autistic character getting a special interest or hyperfixation on societal views on sex or sexual practices, and pursuing it as purely a matter of research with no interest in participating

“Why do they keep bringing up ice cubes? Georgie, stop laughing, I am a researcher and a scholar.”

Needing to teleport out of the room if a sex scene comes up in a movie

Not minding the sex scenes, but needing to make fun of them or point out impracticalities

“On the beach? But sand is everywhere? Wait, they think getting sand everywhere is hot??”

Being baffled at what’s considered sexy: for example, Jon being baffled at “wet clothes are sexy,” having grown up by the beach and associating them with being terribly uncomfortable

Of course, asexual characters don’t need to be framed like they constantly need to learn about things from allo people--sometimes the reverse can be a fun twist. One reversal, for example, could be an ace person helping their allo friend parse whether their attraction to someone is simply sexual or also romantic.

Aces vs. flirting

While not specifically connected to sexual attraction, how a character interacts with flirting can very much demonstrate the asexual experience. Contributors discussed a variety of their own experiences, and details they’ve enjoyed reading for ace characters:

Having difficulty distinguishing between different kinds of draws to people--is it romance? Friendship?

Having difficulty picking up on whether or not someone is interested in them

Failing to realize they’re flirting or being flirted with

Enjoying flirting as just a fun thing to do without any particular goal (a popular suggestion for a Tim ace headcanon)

Casually flirting but then backing off if it becomes “real”

Several examples were given of scenarios these could be used for Jon:

Jon’s dry prickliness stemming from wanting to avoid people thinking he’s flirting or showing interest in them, not being sure where others judge the line between “flirting” or “being nice.”

Jon deciding he is going to make an effort to be more friendly to people, and awkwardly starts showering others with compliments; some of them interpret it as flirting and it’s very confusing.

Jon (or Martin) being overly dramatic or romantic when purposefully showing interest in someone, drawing from a basis of books or media rather than social experience.

Aces vs. hotness

We might use the word “hot” excessively, but ace people often have their own understanding of the word (and are often surprised to learn what others mean by it). Contributors brought up the following ideas for this area:

Using “hot” as an expression of “gorgeous to look at,” and being confused to learn that others use it as a sexual expression.

Engaging with “are they hot” conversations based purely on aesthetics, or other impressions like “would they give good hugs.”

Focusing on seemingly random physical details, like wrists or eyebrow shape, over more commonly sexualized ones.

Being confused over the criteria others use for hotness. Example: Jon’s reaction to “the hot one” comment.

Finding fictional characters not represented by a real person “hot” (e.g. from books, podcasts, video games with bad graphics, etc)

Using the words “hot” and sexy” for completely nonsexual things. Several contributors described being told they couldn’t be ace if they called anything hot/sexy, and then doing it more out of spite.

Being completely unfazed by innuendo or sex/nudity: For example, Jon’s calm response vs. Martin being flustered at Tim stripping

This is also an area where a story can establish the nature of their relationship with those around them: if a character is comfortably out as not being interested in sex, for instance, you can show that others around them support that by making their conversations more inclusive. For example, a “fuck, marry, kill” game with modified categories, or a “who would you have sex with” conversation changed to a “who would you have dinner with” one once the ace character enters.

Aces vs. sexual humor

Ace people’s reactions to sexual humor can vary as much as the reactions to flirting. Contributors described enjoying a broad range of these:

Aces who love sexual humor (not limited to sex-favorable aces)

Humor taking an angle of “sex is so strange, glad it isn’t real.”

Aces who are bored with or exhausted by sexual humor

Not finding sexual humor funny unless it’s also clever. “Yes I know that’s a sexual reference...wait, it was meant to be funny? Because it’s connected to sex? ....I see. Anyway.”

Bonus points if the “is that supposed to be funny because it’s sexual?” ace and the filthy humor ace are friends

It can even vary for the same person from setting to setting: someone may find making dirty jokes with a group of ace friends might be fun (see the “Absurdity of Sex” section above), but be very uncomfortable with someone else trying to twist something they said into something sexual. There’s also the nature of the joke itself: a silly pun may be fine, but a joke implying the ace person is interested in sex or said something sexual without meaning to may be alienating.

For TMA, the general interpretation of Jon is that he’d be uncomfortable with sexual humor, which is relatable to a lot of asexual people, but contributors brought up other possibilities as well: for example, the idea of Jon liking clever wordplay so much that if it just so happens to include something sexual, it doesn’t feel odd to him--why do the others look so shocked?

Note: A lot of asexual awareness posts insensitively treat the concept of aces who love filthy humor as more mature, more easygoing, less stereotypical, or otherwise superior to aces who are uncomfortable with sexual humor. This is a very harmful attitude that looks down on a lot of asexual people, and adds a pressure to push past comfort levels to fit in and “avoid being a stereotype.” Contributors loved reading stories that include flirty or filthy aces, but not when they take this tone. A favorite suggestion was to include more than one ace character to depict a variety, while treating them as equally valid.

Somewhat related to this is ace people’s relationship to sexual euphemisms. Contributors described their experiences or how they might write an ace character responding to these:

Being exhausted by how so many terms are considered euphemisms, or how any comment could be reframed as sexual.

Having a special annoyance when they accidentally stumble into or misunderstand a euphemism

Wanting to decouple euphemisms from their literal meaning: why does “spending the night” or “going home with someone” have to mean “having sex”?

In the same line, being very blunt and straightforward about making sexual references, because why dance around it?

Characterization Considerations

One discussion that is particularly relevant to The Magnus Archives is the idea of the “uptight nerd” ace persona. It may sound strange to say, but there is some legitimacy in this characterization, but for different reasons than is stereotyped. Many of us build up this persona while growing up--particularly in adolescence and early adulthood--to fend off uncomfortable social pressure, self-examination, or external criticism for why we relate to sex differently than our peers. This often involves playing up certain defenses for discomfort for sex or dating: “I don’t have time for any of that, I only have time for books and knowledge!” Or, the adult version: “I don’t have time for relationships, I’m married to my job!”

Where this departs from the stereotype is that these are generally coping mechanisms or facades rather than the truth. Asexuality isn’t “of course they don’t have time for sex, they’re obsessed with this or that”--but an asexual person who doesn’t feel comfortable in their environment, such as around work, school, or family, may deflect judgment with similar excuses. Similar to this, some find it tempting to be antisocial or hostile on purpose to fend off interest in them or avoid sexual expectations.

This is, of course, far from the only way an ace character could be written. For instance, if you wanted to write a setting where asexuality is more accepted, you could write Jon’s antisocial and closed-off tendencies as a result of being bullied from a very young age, while he is confident and secure in his asexuality. Or for other characters: you could write Tim as someone who has enjoyed sexual relationships, but just thought everyone was exaggerating on the attraction side of things.

Intersection of Asexuality with Other Identities

Another characterization consideration is how asexuality intersects with other identities and experiences included in the fic. Below are a few examples of many:

Asexuality and masculinity: Social expectations of masculinity place a high emphasis on sexuality, particularly heterosexuality, treating sexual activity as a commodity or prize. One possible reading of The Magnus Archives is Jon’s tendency to have closer and more numerous friendships with women connects to this.

Asexuality and trans identities: There is a significant overlap between aspec and trans identities, particularly nonbinary identities. Based on an October 2020 study by the Trevor Project (see link in reblog), ace respondents were roughly 50% more likely to be trans (including nonbinary) than allo respondents. Contributors described how they’ve felt things like “is this dysphoria I’m feeling a gender thing or an asexuality thing,” or how figuring out their asexuality helped them explore their gender.

Asexuality and race: In combination with LGBTQ+ spaces often being white-dominated, people of color often face stereotypes that hypersexualize or desexualize them. This can have a strong impact on people of color’s experience and self-perception as asexual. For instance, if you are writing Jon as Indian, you could consider how this may have impacted his experiences in LGBTQ spaces in university. As there is no ‘one size fits all’ experience for aces of color, we strongly recommend researching for the particular background you have in mind. We will be adding resource links to our main page shortly, but in the meantime check out the links in the reblog of this post!

INTIMACY AND RELATIONSHIPS

One of the topics addressed in our discussion was how a character’s asexuality may impact their experiences with intimacy and romantic relationships. Contributors discussed ways to portray this in fic, whether or not it includes sex or even mentions it.

Physical Intimacy

Intimacy, sensuality, and sex are separate things that may or may not overlap depending on the individual. Contributors discussed how, for people across the ace spectrum, the relationship between these three tends to differ from common societal frameworks or depictions of intimacy in fiction.

Enjoying physical intimacy without the expectation that it will become sexual: massages, falling asleep on top of each other, bathing together, etc.

This includes acts that would often be expected to “lead somewhere” but don’t, such as lots of touching or nude cuddling.

Craving closeness/touch completely outside of sexual drive

One scenario suggested for this topic is an asexual character discovering that without the worry that an act of intimacy will ‘lead somewhere,’ they enjoy something they used to get anxious about, such as sharing a bed or showering together.

Boundaries & Communication

Stories with an asexual character in a relationship often address physical boundaries within that relationship. The below are some of the scenarios contributors have enjoyed:

People communicating over their sexual boundaries, rather than assuming what these are as soon as they hear the word “asexual.”

The boundaries discussion being framed as something that any couple in a fictional relationship should have, not just because one is asexual.

In relationships between allo and ace characters, the allo character having boundaries of their own, rather than just the ace character.

Normalizing boundaries discussions for allo couples as well.

Note: If a boundaries discussion involves a sex-favorable ace character, take caution at the risk of having them sound offended or derisive that the discussion is happening (e.g. “What, I’m not a child” or “Not all aces are like that.”). Enforcing the idea that people should assume their partner is sex-interested is extremely harmful to sex-disinterested aces.

Some contributors noted that they prefer fics where the boundaries discussion is something that has taken place in the past, rather than run through at the beginning of each fic they read. In these cases, this past discussion could be illustrated in the interaction itself: a character’s awareness of what lines not to cross, the other’s confidence and trust that those boundaries will be respected, and so on.

Issues of Intimacy Outside of Sex

While aversion to sex is the most well-known dimension of asexuality, there are other aversions and boundaries that could apply to either ace or allo characters:

Ace characters that are kiss-averse and/or touch-averse: This also works against the “They won’t have sex, but they’ll make up for that with kissing even more!” trope that implies asexual people have to compensate for a nonsexual relationship.

Allo characters with their own aversions or specific boundaries: suggestions included how this can apply to trans characters.

Fluctuations in levels of aversion (note: it is important to not treat increased aversion as “progress” or decreased aversion as “regression”)

In cases of fluctuating aversion, characters developing ways to communicate these levels, and responding appropriately. For example, “Kissing is not on the table right now, let’s move on to something more comfortable.”

Contributors were excited to discuss how this area could particularly be used for the allo partner of an ace character, such as an allo Martin having difficulties with touch post-Lonely, or discovering that he doesn’t enjoy kissing.

Relationships to Sex (or Lack Thereof)

Asexuality ‘subtypes’ are terms many aces describe their personal relationship with sex and/or sexual content. These are simplified self-descriptors rather than rigid categories or mini-sexualities, and the terms rarely encompass the full detail of that relationship. Please note that the below discussion assumes a general familiarity with ace subtypes.

Needless to say, aces across the spectrum and of every subtype want to see their identities represented in fic. The discussion focused on ways to illustrate those experiences, and details contributors would enjoy seeing:

Non-averse aces trying sex and deciding they have no interest in it: pushing back against the “if you’re not repulsed you’ll like and want sex” idea.

No expectation that “sex-favorable” means always interested in sex.

The pressure an ace person may face to oversimplify their relationship to sex or sexual content out of fear they’ll appear inconsistent or exaggerating: “If I’m okay with this now, what if I’m not later? Will I seem picky if I’m only comfortable with something in an extremely specific scenario?”

“Sex repulsion” and “sex aversion” generally are used to describe asexual people who don’t want sex, but are simplified terms for what can be immensely varied experiences. Someone could be repulsed by physical involvement in sex, repulsed by personally engaging in anything sexual, repulsed by sexual content, repulsed by just the idea of sex--or any variation or combination of these. There are even repulsions that could be part of more sex-interested subtypes: an ace who enjoys sex but is repulsed by nudity, or an ace who enjoys sexual activities with a partner but not being touched during them, etc.

Contributors discussed how much they enjoy reading simple “I just don’t want sex” approaches to aversion/repulsion, but also look forward to reading explorations such as:

Enjoying one specific type of engagement with sexual content or activity, but having an aversion to others.

Regularly varying levels of repulsion: Days of “please don’t remind me sex exists” to days of mild curiosity, for instance.

Aces with a relationship to sex that doesn’t involve another person, including if they’re in a relationship.

Fluidity between ace subtypes can fluctuate between sex-interested and sex-disinterested in both directions: it can be both “I said I wasn’t interested in this before, but let’s carefully revisit” and “I know we’ve been doing this, but I’m no longer comfortable with it.” Contributors mentioned never having seen fic with the latter, and expressed an interest in reading stories exploring this.

On this note, it is common for stories of fluidity between subtypes to be only moving in a more sex-interested direction. Many asexual people, particularly sex-averse aces, face immense pressure to ‘learn how to like sex,’ or have their sexuality erased by saying they’re a ‘late bloomer’ who will learn to like it later. Depicting this direction should be done with great care and nuance, and we strongly recommend getting feedback from a sex-disinterested sensitivity reader for stories of this type. It’s possible that an ace reader who isn’t sex-disinterested would miss or not be affected by something that is quite painful to sex-disinterested aces.

CONCLUSION

If you’ve stuck with us for this long, well done! We understand that such a long resource can be a bit overwhelming, but we hope it can show you the depth of variety and enthusiasm ace readers have for more ace content and inspire you further. One thing we all had in common during our discussion was how excited we were to have a canonically asexual protagonist, and how thrilled we were to see content that explored his asexuality. In putting together this resource, we hope that you are encouraged to write about characters whose asexuality impacts their experiences and the story in unique, thoughtful, and creative ways. We can’t wait to see what you come up with!

#asexuality #asexuality in writing #ace week #the magnus archives #tma #writing resources #asexual characters #roundtables

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