#i have so many feelings about that man and his arc

[kutputli]

"apparently i never learn that on this site if i head into an actor of colour’s tag i will see sooooo many photos of their most famous white co-worker" this is too real esp with assad zaman because why the hell is every other post about eric?? anything he posts on IG is connected to that man, anything he says is connected to that man......like wth

My friend @chaoswillcalmusdown posted that, I think? I suspect she was talking about The Bear fandom, but who knows. It unfortunately applies to almost every white dominated fandom.

I don't really pay attention to RPF discussions (no judgement on the fandom, just not my thing) but I have seen the skewed nature of how actors of colour are paid attention to mostly in service of of preferred white co-actors.

It makes me think about the additional burden on actors of colour. TV and episodic video storytelling carries a complicated ownership of character - unlike a novel, or even a film, the primary knowledge of a character does not belong to one writer creating a preexisting canon. In TV there are multiple writers, and often what the actor brings to the character rises to the forefront of the shared characterisation, and gets incorporated into the continued writing. And yet at the same time we've seen takes from actors in interviews that clearly contradict the writing of the character. So you can't always treat an actor's viewpoint as authoritative.

When it comes to characters of colour who are being written by a largely white authorship, but played by an actor of colour, so much more burden of authenticity is placed on what the actor can bring to the character by virtue of their lived experience. And yet, they are ACTORS, who are creating the character, not just performing themselves.

People seem to forget what a craftsman Assad is. His enthusiasm for working with Eric comes, it feels to me, from a young and passionate actor eager to delve into intense, challenging scene work with an experienced scene partner who can push him to greater depths of craft. But no one seems to be talking about what other layers of craft Assad could bring. What work he could do if he was given more scenes with other actors of colour.

Regardless of what your opinion of the Armand/Louis ship might be, it was rivetting to watch Assad and Jacob work together, and I would love to see more of that. Why are people not talking about that more? My one-person campaign to incorporate Real Rashid into the Dubai trio aside, what interesting craft discussions might Bally Gill and Assad have had, given that they are both friends who have been South Asian theatre actors finding their way in the British performance industry?

Assad is drop dead gorgeous, yes, and his public persona at least comes across as charming, humble and endearingly enthusiastic. He seems to enjoy the narrative he is part of, which is why his comments about the forthcoming Devil's Minion arc are so enjoyable, sure.

But he's a fucking rigourous, dedicated craftsman doing some admirably difficult labour - I wish people would pay more attention to the actor that he is.

[eddiebrockrambles]

My thoughts on Venom 3:

Warning, spoilers!

I liked it, but there’s a ‘but’.

So. I loved the first half. The dog scene was fantastic! And felt very true to them. The knocking people out part seemed a bit against Eddie’s morals, but was alright. The introduction of other symbiotes was cool. Seeing more of a focus on scientists and Jim as being imoortant characters —not just bodies— was really nice. And horse and FISH VENOM were EPIC!

I loved the ‘Space Oddity’ part, the Van family, and how you could see that Eddie was too hyper vigilant and dissociative to really be able to connect to the ‘fun’ aspects the others were enjoying. It was really bittersweet and made me feel strongly about his arc ending up where they can be happy together, even if it’s after some gnarly things, and even if the threats aren’t entirely gone. This was poignant and could have developed nicely.

But. Compared to the other two, and especially the first, I found the Knull plot to be too large scale, detracting from the two of them. The first film was like an Alien film, rooted in science. It was captivating to me, and an awesome take. I loved the interplay between the characters. Then they made it more like ‘purple man with gemstones and magic’ and maybe if it were directed by Guillermo Del Toro it would have worked, but to me, the based-in-science thing felt more like ‘them’. The Knull thing feels like sloppy writing, and a cop-out.

The Codex didn’t fully make sense, the xenophages were ‘Mary Sue’ characters, it didn’t feel like venom really died (which I’m very glad about, be it cockroach or viral shedding, but just wasn’t as emotive as I expected), the latter half lost the grit and feeling of ‘Eddie and Venom’, the montage music was an awful choice, and the Statue of Liberty scene lacked any real depth.

They coulda taken it further with the grittiness and showed how broken down Eddie would feel. They could have had more of Eddie asking ‘why’ than just going along with Venom’s decision to sacrifice himself. They could have hidden the codex and found weaknesses. They could have had a smaller scale threat, but still uniting humans and symbiotes.

They could even have worked with former ‘Life foundation’ employees to find a way to defeat the xenophages, and explored the conflicting feelings they’d have. They coulda experimented on Eddie. They could have interrogated him or all set out a clear plan. Tom Hardy’s acting is amazing and there were so many routes they could have taken to showcase it.

They needed to fuck off with the production queer baiting and have actually given us some solid romance and moments of closeness for the two of them. Even just Venom reassuring Eddie in a way we haven’t seen before.

The latter half just felt lackluster. There were great elements to it, but the montage and magical or occult elements dampened it for me.

Maybe I just feel like they deserved a PG16/18/R rating, given how beautifully intense and gritty this film could have been.

Venom 2018 captured it wonderfully.

[tookishcombeferre]

Cedric for ask game- 1, 12, 14, 25

1. Why do you like this character? Okay. So, ever since I watched Avatar: The Last Airbender, I have been a sucker for a well written redemption arc. However, if I were to get into specifics, I think there's a lot to explore in this character from a literary perspective. He's complicated. Very complicated. His motivations make a lot of sense even if he goes about things in ways that aren't objectively moral. Which, honestly? That is stuff you don't see in children's TV much since Gargoyles or other things from the 90s and early 2000s. He has the backstory and personality of a Shakespearean tragic hero. He reminds me of like if you shoved Macbeth and Hamlet in a blender in the best way possible, and then, somehow, came out with Macduff? IDK how that works, but that's what happened. Secondly, I find him relatable to my literal life. Zuko hit me when I was just a little younger than Zuko's age. I saw Sofia the First, for the first time in earnest, as I approach 30. I am, exactly, the right age to relate to Cedric's personal issues. So, I like him because a lot of the stuff he deals with is the stuff I'm processing in my own life. Aging parents. Trying to repair a difficult relationship with my own dad as we both grow older. Realizing I might not be able to fix everything that's missing there, and trying to walk the line between indifference and cynicism. Check. Trying to form a solid relationship with a/my child and teach them things. (Granted my squish is biological, but still. Check.) Trying to look past my own personal failings to create a better world for my kid and future generations. Check. Trying to look past what people say/ have said about me and others like me to see the intrinsic good in myself despite my nuanced set of identities. Check. Realizing that my kid just existing in my life is what gives me hope to see myself as great. And, maybe, just maybe, that's a lesson I can teach my kid without them having to go through all the crap I've gone through to learn it: we are great because, unmasked, in our fullness, together with others, we are greater than in isolation. So, I like him because it's easy to walk his journey and see some elements of my own life and where I'm at personally. And, you know what? The show does a nice job presenting this struggle. I feel less alone in my own crap when I watch it. I've got a buddy to walk in my adult problems with while my kiddo gets a princess to learn how to be a good person alongside. I LOVE that. It's truly something we both get something out of, which, is, like, SO supremely rare. As a parent, I just cannot express how much I care about that. Bluey might be the only other program I can think of that does "both" as well as Sofia does. Like, I don't know if there are any other fans in this fandom who are parents. But, man ... Cedric hits because *all* of the life stuff he's dealing with is stuff that, like, is so real. Especially the stuff with his parents. Oof. I don't know if any of y'all have had parents age. But, it's a different beast y'all. It makes you think about things, it makes you want to retreat, and it makes you want to fix things - all at the same time. Sorry if that's a lot. But, when we talk about Cedric being an adult, this is what we mean. So, I just kind of fell in love with Cedric's character because in so many ways his story just kept slapping for me from every angle.

[rengerines]

i could never be normal about chiscara, like ik they are very unlikely lore wise but idgaf!!!

pre irminsul arc they’re two people who find love and warmth in such a cold environment. the fatui are a distinctly distant organization, and the harbingers are clearly not very close (eg. childe and arlechinno voicelines ab eachother). the only thing connecting each of them is the mutual goal of collecting the gnoses for the tsaritsa, but the way they all go about this is vastly different from each other, and this connection can be rather weak when compared to their personal goals, usually treated as a sort of after thought in a lot of the later archon quests (and clearly some of them js don’t gaf ab the tsaritsa *cough* scara defection).

so i really like the idea of chiscara connecting despite this, and also the thought that they have to sneak around about it too. obviously, they’re not exactly *good* for each other. they’re fatui harbingers, both with more than a few screws loose. but they’re still capable of caring for each other nonetheless.

considering their situation, and the two of them as people with their baggage and all that, i doubt they ever got past a weird sort of fwb-situationship-not-dating-but-probably-in-love relationship, but i still think they were somewhat aware of their mutual romantic feelings, they would js never label it.

post irminsul arc, i think about them two ways.

obviously in canon-verse, they’re doomed. childe is born and of teyvat, he’s not gonna be going against teyvat’s founding principles and remembering scara so easily. he’d need someone to tell him, either the traveler or scara, and both are unlikely to do so. the traveler would js not know to, and scara isn’t the type to seek childe out.

in this case i see scara silently yearning like crazy for a man who doesn’t even remember who he is. it’s interesting, as even when they were ‘together,’ scara was constantly telling himself how bad of an idea this was, and here he is now suffering the consequences. their love was real at some point, but scara is doomed to be the only one to remember it. it’ll eat him up from the inside out until he forces himself to move on. if childe decides to visit sumeru at some point, maybe for fun, maybe on business, they might talk, and it would all hurt that much more.

however, through some weird canon-divergence shenanigans, i can see post-irminsul chiscara, in a world where childe somehow remembers, building a proper relationship of sorts. they could never have a perfectly ‘normal’ relationship, childe’s still a fatui harbinger, but they could have some semblance of a cute domestic life when childe’s off work. i’m thinking rare mornings waking up together, and scara reluctantly introducing childe to sethos, only for them to get on so well and cause him both a headache and for his heart to swell. i see scara, childe and nahida sharing a meal together, nahida listening intently to childe talking about his family, and later nahida telling scara that she’s happy for him. they could one day visit childe’s family together, and scara would feel out of place but slowly adjust to all the many children around him. i think teucer would adore him, maybe even more than childe, which would drive him crazy. scara would hold it over his head constantly, and they’d bicker and kiss afterwards. the two of them could love each other properly, they’d get a second chance post-irminsul. all that has to happen is for childe to remember.

[orangechickenpillow]

Every time I think about machine herald Viktor happening in the arcane universe my body vibrates at a frequency that could shatter glass

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Broken Roofs and Fixed Perspectives

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[sallymew4]

kids when they hear that their dad is back in town VS. kids when theyre hanging out with a conman that accidentally stole their wallet once

im not even joking btw

bonus heres me being crazy about them in dms ^^^

[fluffs-n-stuffs]

Finally catching up on the Horizons episodes I missed 👍

[thevegetablewhichnoonedaresname]

I'm starting Mission to Zyxx Season 5 now, and I have feelings about that.

First, it generally scares me when people hype anything up at all because there is no guarantee that anyone values the exact same thing I do to the same degree. Even if I trust the creators of a thing to value something and try to do right by it, that doesn't always necessarily mean it will be successful, especially if that involves doing something wildly different than what made it good in the first place (I have been burned this way before). I guess I'm just hoping they continue the format of goofy improv shenanigans for the majority of it with something more planned and emotional in the finale if they want, like they've been doing all along. I'd think they would, and I've heard nothing bad about the ending, but I guess it still makes me nervous because I'm so close to the end and I want it so badly to stick the landing. I'm setting my expectations on the floor so I can be surprised instead of disappointed, but honestly, I don't need it to be better, I just need it to be on par with the rest.

Second, and more briefly, I'm happy it's (hopefully) ending before it has a chance to decline. I am so on board with that philosophy. But on the other hand, finishing a thing that I really, really like and knowing there's not another one out there gives me a special kind of heartache. Like, I know there will be other good media, and stuff that's good and unique in other ways, but I know for a fact that there are no other podcasts out there that have the same mix of a balance of off-the-wall improv and structured narrative, quality comedy, fantastical sci-fi setting and loveable characters, and high quality production. There are other things out there with many of those qualities, but nothing that checks every one of those boxes. It's a lightning-in-a-bottle thing that very much feels like the right people had to be in the right place at the right time to do it. Attempts to do it again would feel hollow because it had to be born out of necessity and passion and the talents of the people involved, so if you switch out the people it loses the reasons it's great, and if the same people tried to do it again it'd feel tired. That makes me so, so grateful it exists, but also so, so sad that it doesn't, and I'm 80% of the way done. When it's over, it's over.

Anyway. Now that that's all out there, I'm just gonna finish listening and have fun. Wish me luck.

[kiyomitakada]

i am going to scream (wip rambling in the tags)

[trashlie]

ILY FP 210, 211, 212

WOOOOOOOF I’ve been holding off on writing this post, because I wanted to wait for this whole “episode” to fully come out. Quimchee revealed they were all meant to happen in one episode, but SO MUCH was happening in the episode that it was too long to do as the one. I... kind of wish I hadn’t waited because now there is SO MUCH for me to cover, so I’m going to do my best to keep this organized and coherent.

No lie, these go up there in my top episodes, especially 212. I have a feeling I might have some different feelings than others on this one...? We’ll see, I’m keen to hear how all of you are thinking and feeling about it. To me, these episodes really encapsulate a good 80% of the plot that we’ve been dealing with, and there’s some good reveals in here that have been a LONG time coming. I think everything is set up now for the time skip to come, and especially after all the events that transpired this arc (remember how this all started out so many moons ago with Nol going to the company Christmas party? That feels like it was years ago to what is happening now!) I am BEYOND excited to see what the time skips have in store for us! 

Anyway, before I start spoiling things, let’s get into it!

Well and truly, I love this arc! It’s really capture so much of the story this bigger story has centered on - the relationship between Nol and Kousuke. This isn’t the root of the story, of course, but it’s a significant portion of what we’ve come to read for, I think, and I cannot tell you how much I love seeing the characters verbally acknowledge things they’ve swept under a rug. 

212 felt especially raw to me - Kousuke’s confessions are tragic in the way of too little too late, and the realization that Nol was never against him, that he was always on the same side, that they could have been an incredible team may come to haunt him. That acknowledgement of his that nobody really liked him - no one else but the one person he had demeaned and devalued until he was truly nobody - really hit me like a sucker punch. I truly thought these were truths Kousuke wouldn’t be able to reach until he lost more, like his job or his sense of self, but I guess we can argue that he’s lost a lot of his sense of self; from the moment he punched Nol, it’s clear that he’s dissociating. That also serves to tell us how important this moment is for Kousuke, what it means to him, what Nol means to him.

Now, I’ll be upright honest with you guys, because I think this is where the difference of opinions will come in. I really enjoy stories with this kind of element of hatred and care so intricately interlaced in family or friends. There’s something about this sense of care being overwritten by jealousy so scathing it mutates into resentment and hatred and loathing. The way these two feelings battle out, the way ugly emotions are so strong they come to eclipse any hope for warmth. Idk it’s intriguing to me, it creates a compelling story. 

And in Kousuke’s case, it is! A running theory has been that Kousuke treats Shinae the way he does because he is, subconsciously, treating her how he wishes he’d treated Nol. As the story went on and Kousuke’s ugliness started to come out more and more and his paranoia began to consume him, I think it was probably difficult for many to find credence in this theory - that there was no way Kousuke could have cared about Nol and transferred it to Shinae when he treated Nol how he did but I’m still here for the theory. It’s just that Kousuke’s ugliness was so strong, overwhelming, it eclipsed anything else. 

Now I’m not saying I think Kousuke loves Nol or thinks of him as a brother, but rather I think deep down, he understood they were connected. As a child, Nol was the only person who didn’t treat Kousuke like an object - like a puppet or rich vending machine or influence to be gained. But how could Kousuke allow himself to think so favorably of Nol when he was so deeply rooted in jealousy? 

This is what I find especially intriguing about their dynamic. Something I talk about a lot is that Nol and Kousuke are both the products of abuse - Kousuke is the way he is due to neglect and manipulation, and in turn he took that out on Nol. I’ve seen people say Kousuke doesn’t make sense to them, but he DOES and this episode really drove that home and confirmed a lot of things I’d felt. 

Kousuke’s treatment of Nol all stems from Rand and his affair. Let’s look at it from Kousuke’s perspective. He has a father who is never around, and when he is he’s busy and always puts his career first. He rarely joins them for family time, there’s a rift between him and his wife. All young Kousuke wants is for his father to spend time with him, to be around, to notice him. His mother tells him things - if he’s a good boy Father will pay attention; if he wants his father’s attention he needs to be just like him; if he wants Father to care to notice he must be exactly like him. But his mother also says other thing - that there’s someone else, money is being wired to someone. At school people murmur similar things. 

All he wants is his father’s approval, his father’s pride, his father’s attention, his father’s time. He must not be good enough, yet. He must not matter, yet. He’ll make sure he does, though. He’ll do exactly what his mother says, he’ll buckle down just like she tells him, he’ll make sure to become the perfect son that his father can be proud of. 

So you can understand, then, why the discovery that the murmurs are true, that there’s another family, would shatter him the way it did, why it remains a point of breaking for him even as an adult, why he never really reconciles his father’s affair. How is it that the man who has no time for him or their family, had enough time to create a second family? Why was he so undeserving of his time? Why was he so undeserving of his attention? 

And it rooted deep inside him, right in the core of his foundation. This other boy who describes his father as someone who couldn’t possibly be the same man as his father - a funny man, a kind man. That is not the father Kousuke knows, so why does this other child know him? (Never mind that this child has also never met that version of his father.) It all stems from that: a craving for something he’s never received. 

Kousuke’s whole speech about how there was only one kind, sweet, generous, funny person in his life was the very person he attacked and tore down hit me HARD. His admission of fear, that he ACTUALLY ADMITTED TO BEING SCARED, that he’ll never be good enough for Rand, that nothing he would ever do would make him worthy of his attention actually hurt. This is the kind of thing I’ve been wanting Kousuke to acknowledge and embrace, because it’s the one thing that has been fueling and propelling him. He doesn’t do this job because he’s passionate about it - he does it because he’s still vying for love and attention. He didn’t forsake his childhood because he was above it - he literally sacrificed it for his father. Regardless of what you think about Kousuke now, it has to be acknowledged that he, too, has suffered. And let’s not pretend that Yui truly believed that Kousuke could win Rand’s affection this way - it still feels like it was a game for her, a manipulation to turn him into someone she could use to get her way, a puppet if you will. It’s fucking sad to think that he gave up everything because he was so determined to earn his father’s love, that his love and attention was believed to be so conditional he had to make himself worthy of it. 

“I hate you for making me aware this person exists. And I hate your face being a constant reminder of it.” 

So many times, Kousuke has berated Nol for his playful, joking behavior, for seeming so lax and carefree. I’d always thought it was jealousy that he didn’t have that kind of life, that he wasn’t allowed it - and that probably is still a part of it - but now we know that when Yeonggi laughed and played around, he was a vision of a version of Rand Kousuke had never known, a spitting image of a man Kousuke didn’t even know could exist. 

And as Nol points out, it was all for naught. All of Kousuke’s jealousy and his fear, tearing down Nol so that he could instead get to know that version of Rand. All of it was for naught, because who knows if that man even exists? It seems like only one person ever knew her, and who’s to know if she didn’t make him up. Kousuke has spent his entire life - sacrificed his childhood, accelerated himself through school, forsook any fun or leisure - on a quest for a man who probably doesn’t exist, for something he’ll never achieve. He spent his whole life tearing down someone innocent trying to get to something he’ll never have. 

I really thought it would take for Kousuke to lose it all, to stumble in his career before he’d realize it, but here he is. 

But on the other side of that, we have Nol. Nol, who also lost - and lost more than Kousuke did. Nol who was isolated and alienated, Nol who tried time and time again to reach out and create a connection, and was refused every time. Nol who suffered under Kousuke and Yui’s watch over and over. Nol, who despite it all, still tried to treat Kousuke well, still tried to give him a chance, still tried to reach out to him at his most desperate. 

I think that really illustrates something important: an understanding that there is a reason for Kousuke’s behavior and his paranoia, where it comes from, but that reason doesn’t justify. I can acknowledge both that Kousuke absolutely is the product of his environment and that he has been an asshole about it lol. Idk I can admit that my intrigue in his has grown a LOT. 

These episodes have just tapped into something so deep that I love about this series - that our experiences heavily color our interpersonal relationships, as well as our relationships with our own selves. Nol notes that he, too, suffered, he, too, lost, he has been alone and alienated and despite it all he still tried, and he still attempted to be a good person, in contrast to Kousuke who let his suffering turn him into an asshole. It was kind of a hard-to-read moment, because Nol spoke the truth, and as much as I feel for Kousuke, Nol is right. Because he never attempted to deal with those ugly feelings, because he never chose to face them, because he instead wore them as armor, it became his identity, he became an asshole through those experiences. Had there ever been a moment that he could have met Nol in the middle, that he could have put aside his jealousy, that he could have turned off his Rand blinders, he could have seen what Nol was able to see earlier and more clearly. And isn’t that sad? They could have been a great team, they could have had each others’ back in a world where no one else did, they could have been there for each other, but Kousuke couldn’t cross that line. 

Again, I fully acknowledge that Kousuke is the way he is because of those experiences. I acknowledge that this is the wake up call he needed, that he was forced to finally reckon with the truth. 

But I also worry what will come of Kousuke as a result of Rand’s arrival. Is he going to backpedal? Is this going to short-circuit something and push him to double down, or is it going to free him? 

Kousuke has spent his entire life trying to earn Rand’s favor, to earn his attention. Everything he has done has been an angle to get closer to his father. Like, when you break it all down, that’s the sad, basic truth. He was a child who so desperately wanted his father’s attention that his life became about that. And here comes Rand, showing up when it looks like Kousuke is running away. Rand who never had time for him, Rand who didn’t shower him with warmth and affection. 

Rand who showed up and wailed “My son” in response to Nol. 

That whole scene honestly hurts me. Nol is hurt, Rand is anguished and horrified, and Kousuke? Kousuke finally witnessing his father show a fatherly side - and it wasn’t for him. And not only that but Rand might not even believe that Kousuke was trying to get help, that he attempted to get Nol up but couldn’t. And does it even matter when the truth is that Kousuke DID cause this? I can’t imagine it was his intention - I don’t think his mind went “punch Nol and he’ll fall over the railing” as much as Nol tried to leave and Kousuke reacted on that. But the point still stands: even if it wasn’t his intention, this is still ultimately his fault. Nol goaded him on and played a part, but Kousuke was the hand that acted. 

I fear that this will ruin what little relationship Kousuke has with Rand - and it’s a fear because it means Kousuke could swing in two wholly opposite directions. Does he double-down and return to the side of his mother, the only family member who has made him feel like someone’s child? I don’t think he’s at the point where he can extricate himself from the family, as good as it would be. And I worry that if that’s the case, will he double back down on his treatment and resentment of Nol? For this one moment, he saw that they were equals, that they both had a broken, shitty relationship with Rand. And then Rand showed up, showing that paternal side Kousuke has longed for. 

As much as I WANT Kousuke to hold on to that moment, I don’t know that he can. I think the cracks have formed and I think his fragile reality is crumbling faster, but I fear he’ll retreat back into the “comfort” of the world he knows. 

Here’s the thing about Kousuke: on some level he knows. He knows that Yui isn’t great, he knows that she has done awful things, he knows that Nol did no wrong, he knows that Rand will probably never change. But these are such uncomfortable truths and he has spent his life propped up by a false reality. This was pointed out by AugmentedElle on reddit, but look at the difference in Kousuke’s flashbacks. Look at the memory in 210 vs 212. The flashback in 210 is the strongest, most vibrant memory we’ve yet seen. Ordinarily they’re in some kind of grey scale, or at least muted colors, sometimes with spot color like in Shinae’s. In Nol and Kousuke’s flashbacks thus far, we’ve seen those muted colors or alterations - Nessa’s face appearing scribbled out in Kousuke’s memories, just as in 212. The use of color suggests that the memory in 210 is, quite possibly, fabricated. It starts out with Kousuke dazed, unable to remember what just happened, and Yui comes in and tells him he won’t have to see that boy for a long time. It feels like something happened - that perhaps Kousuke did something (the huffing that parallels his huffing after he punches Nol in the current story) and blocked it out or whited out and Yui came in and gave him an iteration of the story. It’s the strongest memory because it didn’t come from him - because it was filled in and colored in by someone else. The whole time we’ve thought Nol had perhaps been pushed to the bring, that Kousuke instigated a fight and Nol snapped, but maybe it was never Nol. Maybe the whole time Kousuke has associated Nol with danger and violence - because he was wired to think that way. That whatever happened and lead to that moment was so traumatic he doesn’t have the real memory, and instead carries a fabrication. 

And that is essentially the basis of Kousuke’s entire life. Regardless of intent, Yui does manipulate Kousuke. She says things knowing full-well the effect they’ll have. Consider that moment with Nol and Nessa vs Yui in Kousuke’s flashback in 212. He watches Nessa blow raspberries on Nol’s cheek, a warm and silly exchange full of so much love and care - and then he looks up at Yui, who wears her maternal mask, shadows falling eerie over her face. Doesn’t it feel so much like she set this up? Doesn’t it feel like she knew Nessa and Nol would be around? She fills his head with things like “the only way to get your father’s attention is to be just like him” and “we’re not like other families we’re so special” and “isn’t it just so wonderful that rand at least has enough time to eat with us”? That’s not vouching for Rand - that’s passive aggression towards Rand and creating an idea of who Rand is - that Rand unwittingly lives up to. Despite speaking of the affair in front Kousuke, she turns and tells him that “Your father values us too much, he would never do such a thing” - a blatant lie that only plays into that feeling Kousuke wears that he’s been cheated, that there exists a version of his father that has been denied to him. Nessa tells Nol that Rand was a kind, sweet, generous, funny man. Yui tells Kousuke that Rand is anything but funny and he has no time for jokes. Maybe both are true, but Nol’s unintentionally makes a point about how Yui speaks of Kousuke’s father, vs how Yui spoke of Nol’s father. Why would a parent speak ill of the other parent -- if not to make the child see them that way. 

(She also tells him there’s nothing she hates more than people who don’t take things seriously, and well, look at how Kousuke came out.) 

There’s a fragile cognitive dissonance between what Kousuke knows to be true - that is, the reality that has been shaped by his experiences and Yui’s manipulation - vs actual reality, and we’ve seen this a number of times when various events threaten that tentative balance. Kousuke at the club, angry and paranoid, is aware of what people really think of him. Deep down he knows people don’t see him as great, as an honorable gentleman. Deep down he knows he’s a selfish, judgmental asshole, but it doesn’t fit the fabricated reality he believes in, so it only comes out in his paranoia. He knows that Nol is like him, that he didn’t have the love Kousuke coveted, that he tried to get by quietly, but Kousuke’s fear and paranoia still thought of him as the boy who had earned the love that Kousuke couldn’t, and that made him a threat. He knows what kind of person Yui is and has tried to draw boundaries, but he’s still told her things about Nol that she could act on, because he knows what she is capable of. When people or events fracture that reality, he struggles and lashes out, because he needs that reality to keep it together, but it’s crumbling fast. 

Between the phone call with Rand and the moment that Rand shows up on the scene - what is the state of Kousuke’s reality? Is it crumbling? Is he trying to stuff the crumbling rocks back into the foundation? Will he retreat to his mother, the only one who can keep the tint of his rose colored glasses or will he be forced to face reality for what it really is? I wish it would be the latter, but I just don’t know if he’s ready for it yet. I don’t know if he can face that which he’s run from this whole time just yet. 

As for Nol, woooooooof. What a fucking NIGHT. To think - THIS IS HIS GODDAMN BIRTHDAY. On the one hand, I think, maybe this can give him some kind of peace. He’s finally gotten a piece of Kousuke’s mind, he finally knows how Kousuke sees him, what he thinks of him, and what motivated him all these years. Maybe with this knowledge, Nol will be able to walk away in peace. He doesn’t have to wonder anymore. He knows where he stands - and where he’s always stood - and I think he’s made it clear that he’s drawn his line. He is done, he is finished, with all of them. If Kousuke can find his way to the other side of the line, then good for him, but Nol has no intention of trying to bring him over anymore. 

I do think there’s a lot of room for them to reconcile in the future - when Nol’s raw anger has maybe ebbed, when Kousuke has found himself and learned to stand on his own ground, rather than prop himself up by his fabricated reality. But they are far from there. I’ve said before that I had a feeling maybe we’ll see the three main characters reunite in the time skip as adults after having gone separate ways, and that feeling still lingers. Nol has made it clear that he still wants to get away - and frankly I think he needs to. I wish he’d say so much to his friends, I wish he’d tell them where they stand. I feel so bad for Shinae, who went through so much grief and angst and really put herself out there to bring him back, to get her closure - and then when she had it and was ready to let him go, he insisted on staying. For him to turn around and leave like that again, after everything she told him, after the ways she opened up to herself, god that must hurt a lot. I guess on the one hand, she got the closure she wanted but.... it wasn’t even that long ago that Nol was making jabs at Kousuke for abandoning his friends, and there he goes doing it a SECOND time. 

There’s a piece I’d love to give more time and thought to - that maybe all along, on a deep, subconscious level, Kousuke feared Nol leaving and that’s why he’s always acted when Nol was on the leave. If Nol leaves he’ll be truly alone. If Nol goes, there is truly no one left who ever liked him, who ever saw any value in him. This post is already long enough, so I’ll try to spit that out later this week, if I can. I think it’s not a coincidence that Kousuke punched Nol as he was leaving, that he didn’t bring himself to do it when Nol promised he’d leave, just as he let Yui know Nol was planning to leave. Maybe he doesn’t recognize it yet, but I think Kousuke is terrified of being left alone and Nol escaping without him. 

Like I said, more on that later, but it’s an important point that I think ties in really well with this relationship Kousuke has towards Nol. It’s complicated, fucked up, toxic, and messy, and it needs a LOT of untangling by professional help. But I do think these last episodes really set something up for Nol and Kousuke’s future - as much as there is so much resentment and anger between them, there’s a mutual sense of longing, of needing each other to fill a void: for Nol, he sought out a brother in Kousuke, a companion against the adults in their lives; for Kousuke, that knowledge that Nol, too, had suffered that neglect, and was the only person who had ever truly liked him. I think one day when that anger has died, when they’ve made peace and hopefully worked on themselves, when Kousuke has freed himself, I think there’s a chance they will be able to reconcile. Like I said, maybe they’ll never be family to each other; there’s so much damage there, it’s really possible that can never be undone. But I think at some point, at least, they will see themselves on the same side, rather than each other. 

[toytulini]

Disclaimer im just processing some thoughts im not cancelling the show

have almost thoughts about how i find the like....narrative on here that if you have chronic "zebra" conditions youd want a doctor like House and wouldnt sue for malpractice bc at least youd have a doctor that cares about whats wrong with you but lets take it one step further. so often he does NOT give a shit about the patient and actively endangers them frequently with his god damn heoric era of medicine approach? non zero amount of times he gets a diagnosis but it comes too late, or he gets a diagnosis after their first wrong 3 guesses of the episode shut down the patients kidneys and they either have to get a transplant or they are just, doomed due to other preexisting conditions etc? idk. i know ppl are almost certainly exaggerating and just letting off steam about the very real failures of our current medical systems and the ableism baked in and All That Shit. i just think its weird how ppl romanticize House who STILL, FREQUENTLY, MULTIPLE EPISODES will actively dismiss shit in the exact way that is a problem in our current system, especially when hes being Forced Against His Will To See Clinic Parients, he loves to be dismissive as fuck of symptoms and if he was a real doctor i think he'd be fucking 50/50 on cases he Notices Something To Dig Into vs cases he dismisses as an Anxious Hysterical Woman Who Wants Attention, the only reason he's Right so frequently in his snap judgements is cos it reinforces the narrative. its like a crime drama that has the mastermind serial killer masterfully using "loopholes" and lawyering up all sneaky and dodging Justice and if only our poor little cop protags were allowed to do A TEENY BIT of Justified Police Brutality, they could Save Lives!

and like sometimes in the show they will have a patient die despite his efforts to narratively punish him. not to mention, i think its been at least mildly brought up and glossed over how much they absolutely do not think about insurance costs for these ppl for the insane amount of tests that find nothing and Wrong Medications To Force A Diagnosis they use? i think it was brought up once in the episode following a day in the life of cuddy where she had to fight a lawsuit bc a guys insurance like didnt cover his thumb being reattached but chase reattached it anyway while in surgery cos it was The Right Thing To Do and the guy didnt have the money to cover it and the insurance wouldnt pay unless he sued the hospital or whatever. thats like the only time its come up. whereas like frequently the doctor I go to for osteopathic manipulation tries to check in with me and make sure im covered by insurance etc and that im not going to go broke or get buried in medical debt seeing her.

idk. just some Thoughts. not a defense of our current system and all the flaws it enables and enforces etc. his approach to medicine is really reminiscent to me of what I know of the Heroic Era Of Medicine which i dont...love? and hes framed on here as being an asshole but would kill for his patients to get them a diagnosis etc. but hes definitely extremely paternalistic to patients ? and despite some good clippable lines about ableism and being against eugenics, it honestly feels like his stance on that is kind of a toss up.

[lesbiten]

as someone who isnt like. huge on d3stiel. i will say it is interesting going through and seeing all the 'big d3stiel' moments in context and some of them are very 'yeah, i get that' and othes are '...you have to purposely take this extremely far out of context and then spin it around in a circle to interpret it the way you did'

[themyscirah]

Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute

[ginpotts]

sobbing over nozue’s confession scene again

[gendercriticalthinking]

The way that my friend felt disappointed when he found out as a kid that an androgynous character he idolized was a woman because he quote "couldn't relate to the character anymore" and the way that the creator of Celeste """discovered he was non-binary""" because he wrote a female character that he was able to relate to are branches off of the same vein of misogyny I think