#i have so many conflicting feelings. most i admit are not very kind rn

[ahkaraii]

i loved you, best i could. x

[gay-s0ck-puppet]

relistened to episode 90 of jrwi riptide and am having so many thoughts and feelings rn. specifically about gillion. kuba kenta showed up and gil just….. lost it. he went feral. he didn’t care about anything but making kenta pay for what happened to chip. charlie was fully ready to roll a new character for gil to have this moment. no armor, shit ac, and absolutely no sense of self preservation. he put himself in the most dangerous position he could to protect his crew. he killed kuba with a ferocity we haven’t seen from gil since early riptide. i think the only fight he’s had that compares for me was (also in allport) the communications room at raft hq. but this time it wasn’t about him or the undersea or his destiny (notice he didn’t even say anything about destiny in the fight with kenta. protecting his friends, his family isn’t about destiny anymore. it’s not for the world or the undersea or the elders or even for the sake of goodness and doing the right thing. it’s for himself and the people he loves).

like…. this man…. this stupid little idiot boy…. brave beautiful self sacrificing gillion….. dropped 80,000 pounds from 300 feet in the air on kuba with no regard for how it would hurt him as well. he went down! which isn’t new (a concerning topic that could be an entirely different post) but it was enough to instantly kill kuba kenta. he took 110 points of damage and a nightmare scratch to the chest (which we still don’t know how that’s going to affect him) to take this bitch down because nobody gets to hurt chip. and then he gets back up, because it’s gillion and he always does. and he wants to leave kenta stuck at the bottom of the ocean to ensure there’s no way for him to come back. he has absolutely no sympathy for this navy lion bitch and he wants to make sure kuba can never hurt his family again. the only reason he brought him back up was for chip.

and then that night on the ship…. he’s clearly very worried about the scratch kenta left. he knows that chip went through hell with those nightmares and that it’s his turn now but he just smiles and pretends it’s fine, doesn’t bring it up. instead he tries to comfort jay (who arguably had the least involvement in the whole encounter; not saying it wasn’t a lot for her as well what with the navy and kira and all her internal conflict, but between gil’s whole thing and chip breaking his no killing policy and now riddled with guilt over price, she kinda came away the cleanest). then as he walks away to go to bed he says he’s sore. gillion is never sore. he never comes out of a fight as battered as he did with this one. he never admits that kind of weakness. and while it’s great to see him opening up and leaning on his co captains more… i’m just so worried about him and where his arc is going to go in future episodes. i don’t really have a conclusion to this i’m just kinda rambling but he’s just been through so much in the past few episodes and especially since the feywild and akahdjakskdhja i have so many feelings

[ddarker-dreams]

FINALLY SOMEONE SAID THE TRUTH.

I admit that i enjoyed act 3 but it feels like really rushed i have so much complain with that.

The build up until act 2 was so good it give us so much premise but the final blow si meh. Sorry that i want to share thing long rant with you

1. Why the final talk is with yae, no offense to her but we need ei to explain not to mention she witness khaenriah downfall so she can give us more information, i feel like they do it for the plot armor so they can just keep dragging this

2. So many things that quite inconsistant, the shogun is show no mercy to anyone that even did a little thing outside what she think its right, how come she can still have a talk with signora, when sara is falling like that, and also there is no clarification about sara right now.

The traveler was so done at first they refuse to help thoma and ayaka at the beginning. But they seem so happy and forget everything how come they are not RAGE ( okay maybe this is to bias and personal) when this nation provide nothing about our siblings information and also why they are not mention anything about their problem in ei stroy quest. Its nonsense! She is right in front of youu, ask about your siblings, ask about khaenriah, ask about ukmown god!!. How come they can just forget like that. Also mihoyo really waste the potential about twin things i thing ei will give us so much help bcs of the sympathy that we both rn lost our twin but noooo.

3. Kokomi seem lost some brain cell, she make a very succesfull grand intro but she become meh in act 3, how come a great strategist like her let the sus sponsorship slip just bcs they are desperate, not to mention her screen time is really small and her role seem so unsignificant and it feels lile she is a plain npc.

4. The awesome world quest that we have done doesnt get any mention at all! Inazuma owe us so much with cleansing sakura, thunder sakura, tatarigami, obarashi quest. It has so much potential that yae or ei or anyone else aknowledge what traveler has been done but nooo.

cracks knuckles... i suppose it's time for my promised dissertation. interestingly enough, you touched on a lot of the main issues i had with chapter III.

i think that if i had to pin the main issue, it's a lack of overall cohesiveness? we were jumping all over the place without the chance to ever flesh things out. inazuma is a smaller cast, but i feel like we didn't get to see any of them shine. since i'm most interested in the genshin characters, i'll break down my problems by going over everyone and their (lack) of impact on the story.

was ayaka not questioned or placed under suspicion for being close to thoma before his escape? i wanted to see her broken up over her duties as they relate to the yashiro commission, paired with having someone she genuinely cares about in danger. it would've been an interesting struggle if she was forced to choose one or the other. instead she just kinda took a back seat.

speaking of thoma, i don't even have anything to say, because he just... was there? for .0001 seconds. said "lol this sucks ig" and that's about it. i know we're going to get a story for him in the future since he's a 5* but i'm not getting my hopes up 😭 then in the raiden shogun's character story, man is peachy keen! be upset with the raiden shogun! have some inner conflict! even if it's just using loaded language because he's under surveillance for going against the raiden shogun, that'd be so cool. saying something like,

"Traveler, what's with that expression? Oh please, there's nothing to worry about. We're under the Statue of the Omnipresent God's protection. Nothing bad has ever happened here." *wink*

i also don't know what to say about gorou. he was... there....... i think. what is he fighting for? what are the stakes for him? what makes him place so much trust into kokomi? i'm out of things to say about him because i don't remember anything he did or said.

kokomi... oh kokomi... i was so hyped. so excited. i thought that maybe we could see a foil to the raiden shogun. that she'd have a moment where she's forced to realize, just like her opponent, sacrifices must be made that will hurt people who will never understand why she made them. or maybe something to show her military prowess. but instead she just accepts a mysterious patron's help (?), sees her people aging like the grateful dead from JJBA, and goes oh well. that sucks. what can ya do. oh bye traveler i guess, good luck with that. ????????????? HUH... similar case to thoma where she's gonna get a character story but like. she won't be the leader of the resistance anymore. that was her whole shtick. they took her shtick away. also she forced me to interact with more NPCs whose names i've already forgotten so i'm tilted about that still.

KUJOU SARA... AN INJUSTICE. A DISGRACE. a slap to my woman loving face. the build up was there. yae miko's comments about sara probably knowing the tenryou commission is involved in shady dealings, but is choosing not to think about it. sara being forced to confront reality and challenge her adopted father with the truth. being able to blaze a new path for herself in the process. when she started running to the raiden shogun i was ultra hyped up. sara, a devotee to the shogun for so long, was about to see her god interacting with the same people who led inazuma to this awful state. how would she react? would she stay ignorant, like yae miko so coyly said, choosing to look away in favor of following her god's footsteps? or would she be forced to recognize the raiden shogun isn't as divine as she once thought, and challenge her belief system?

we open the door to see the raiden shogun. the loading screen ensues. the camera pans to the ominous room, clouded in darkness, hinting at the ominous confrontation that is to come. the music takes a serious timbre. and then...

well fuck that potential character arc i guess. (we still don't know what sara made of any of this since she poofed out of existence from the story at this point)

kazuha also was handed a similar treatment. we've been with him for a while longer now. he is our introduction into inazuma, the one who first gets us emotionally involved by regaling us with the bittersweet tale of friendship that led him to becoming a wanted criminal. a kind soul who loves nature yet was dealt a cruel hand by fate, forced to watch his home nation turn into a hostile place, where his dear friend ultimately perished as a result. we get the scene with his friend's vision lighting back up. he parries a block from the raiden shogun, in the same area where his friend was killed by her. the parallels. the drama. except this time, he wasn't too late. he protected the traveler where he "failed" to protect his friend in the past. did he feel redemption at this? or was it a bittersweet reminder of what could've been?

WELL i guess we'll never know because we didn't get to talk to him again 😭 idk who got a bait and switch worse, him or sara. jesus christ mihoyo.

then we have signora. why is the raiden shogun talking to her? does she know about the gnosis being taken, and if she doesn't, what was her plan to get it from the archon? what does she think about scaramouche? and oh, okay, we're fighting here now. good fight + god tier music. pog pog. okay, now we've beaten her up, and raiden shogun wyd— wait no not signora her lore is still on CUPS not YET raiden shogun and— ah she's dead. okay. non nerds who didn't read artifact lore are going to know nothing about her. signora has such an interesting story, and yet... well. ok.

then we get raiden shogun redemption (?) arc. i was hype for this as well, though at that point, idk why i bothered being hype. i knew they were gonna do a cute power of friendship something or another, and i'm good with that, so long as it's executed well. what i was envisioning was like seven different buffs to correspond with the seven different visions, the dreams of those whose ambitions were stolen serving as the spear to penetrate the raiden shogun's heart of stone. maybe a hydro vision giving us extra healing for a time, with the voice acting over it being like,

"Even if the rest of the world forgets us, let our will carry you through this one final time. Succeed where we couldn't, Traveler."

so on and so forth.

but instead we got— you get the idea at this point. why bother spelling it out anymore.

at that point i was surprised the raiden shogun didn't go "oopsie woopsie!! we made a fucky wucky!!!" because that was the vibe i was getting. i love ei, don't get me wrong, but i wanted to see her challenged with what she had done to inazuma in the past year. maybe meeting NPC #2345259 who lost her sister to the vision decree or something, reminding ei of the love she held for her sister... being forced to come to terms with the extent of what she's done in pursuit of eternity.

anyway. please for the love of god mihoyo hire better writers for the main story. that is all i ask. thank you.

[leoprincess777]

⚡ astrobservations p.2 ⚡♌

🌟 houses

*this is a new theory i came up with but we might experience the energy of the opposite of our houses. for example, as a 1h venus person you may act more like a 7h venus where you avoid confrontation and value keeping the peace. as a 7h venus, you may act more like a 1h venus where you give more appericiation to your appearance and be more aggressive and argumentative.

as a 6h sun, you may find it more difficult to accomplish tasks at hand and be productive and it may feel like a burden to you, but you may easily get in contact with the astral realm and embrace your higher self.as a 12h sun, you may easily be productive and finish tasks and chores but struggle with surrendering to the divine, diving deep into spirituality or struggle to accept your gifts.

*mercury in 7h love to debate other people and share their ideas with other people

*jupiter in 5th gives excellent stage presence and abundance of creativity, its the ultimate performer and creator placement. people with chart ruler in 5h jupiter are often destined to become a creator/performer which can even mean being a tourist guide or a youtuber

*mercury in 5th people are never boring and they are extremely pleasant people who will make everything 5x more fun than it is. school work, chores, everything is funner with them!

🌟 synastry

*be VERY careful when getting into a relationship with 8th house synastry, especially if you are the planet person because you will most likely form an extreme attachment and obsession to the house person that will last for a very long time and can go into unhealthy lenghts. because you are the planet person and this is 8th house synastry we are talking about, the house person has immense power over you and they know it. they can see right through you. as the planet person, you want to be their one and only and feel they empower you, which makes you crave to be with them more because they give you power and their presence helps you get through anything. you will never forget about them and they become embeded in your subconscious. the house person will feel disturbed and triggered by you psychologically. but they become fascinated with the planet person. this makes an extremely transformative relationship. they bring out your true personality (especially if your sun is in their 8th house) to the surface and you trigger the heck out of them.   the planet person usually finds the house person when the house person is at their rock bottom and sometimes vice versa. 

 *venus conjunct sun synastry has an effect where the venus person is widely known as the sun person’s sweetheart. the venus person becomes a magnefied and known person in the sun persons life, almost like a celebrity couple/duo while the sun person is known by the venus persons’ favorite people and inner circle mostly.

*12th house synastry is a BITCH i fucking hate it because it makes everything so blurry and unknown you have no idea wtf is going on but you also cant make your way out and you idealise the person a lot

6th house synastry is EXCELLENT because you’re involved in each others lives so much. more often than not, you spend majority of your time in a day together whether by hanging out or texting and the planet person usually reports the house person what are they doing during the day (like a random text of “im repairing a bike rn” or “im going to x, i’ll be back in awhile” etc) and you care about each other A LOT. the planet person can take a director role in the house persons life and they help each other a lot

mars conjunctions are wonderful synastries for sticking through thick and thin, it makes a very dynamic and sexy couple

with mercury in 7th house synastry, it’s IMPOSSIBLE for the love to remain as a secret if it’s a romance relationship. it will come out. one of you will admit it sooner or later

🌟 other

*wherever your mars is placed in, is where you’re not scared to take action or assert yourself. example: my pisces mars friends are not afraid of getting in dangerous waters likecliff diving, swimming in wild waves, going too deep in water etc. i, as a leo mars am not afraid of putting myself out there and performing

*sagittarius suns love to eat, while sagittarius moons have less appetite and desire to eat

*aries moons love themes of war, they have a warrior-like approach to most things

*aries-pisces people turn war and warriorhood into fantasy and make it dreamlike. (example: grimes’ (a pisces sun aries moon) WarNymph persona)

*i didnt observe this myself but read that mars opposite uranus people have deranges pasts with knives and it’s SO true.

*fire moons enjoy energetic and upbeat music, earth moons love chill music (like indie, lofi, can be r&b too maybe), air moons can enjoy techno music&rap, and i’m not sure about water moons cause i don’t have many water moons in my life but i’m thinking they would enjoy songs with lyrics or beats that make them feel something and songs with stories. i’ve seen that they tend to listen to music of all kinds. earth moons openly discriminate amongst genres and dgaf

*pisces placements have divine intelligence and are revolutionaries. this is rarely mentioned and pisces are often described as “airheads” which they are because of their giant imaginations and unique thought process but it’s a sign of intelligence. pisces people pick up on ANYTHING so quickly, absorb information like a sponge and analyze it themselves to form an opinion and understand it. their thoughts and opinions often dont make to other people or shock them. they will bring revolution and newness into whatever area they are working with. (example: einstein, rihanna, grimes (she’s literally trying to make the “ethereal techno” an official genre and creating avatars. revolution), billie eilish, kurt cobain (helllooo  grunge king), paul mccartney, copernicus, aamir khan, steve jobs are all either pisces suns or risings

*sagittarians are similar in the sense that they like to discover new paths. they have the star quality (walt disney, britney spears, brad pitt, nicki minaj)

*it makes sense that the world’s most famous celebrity right now is a leo (kylie jenner)

*sagittarius and gemini risings have thick and pretty hair. it’s well styled and you want to run your hand through it. they’re physically advantaged

*aries suns and moons will just create trouble if they cant find it cause they love to throw themselves in tricky and dangerous situation as they feed off of it

*cancer moons get fucking poetic and dramatic at the slightest conflict, argument or emotional moment like they fucking channel the spirit of shakespeare. shhtoppp

*air sun, moon, mercury & venus dont like sadness, depression or traumatic memories so they will often program themselves to forget about heartbreaks or traumatic events and move on like they never happened or change the story and tell people different stories about what happened to convince themselves and twist reality.

*moon-saturn often naturally restricts food intake

most socialists/communists have taurus and sagittarius placements it’s INCREDIBLE

leo ic people are inherently and naturally charming af, thats because they are usually SHOWERED with love and affection as a child, they are often the only child and the golden child which obviously feeds someone with confidence for their life later on

libra moons will judge you on the inside if you are ugly sjdljsdf they dont like to be in aesthetically unpleasent spaces

[disslve]

𝐲𝐞𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐰 & 𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐝𝐲 ! this is nai and my cowboy ass is here to throw roxy @ u and also tell u bad jokes and cry over life is strange 2 because i’m still not over this game and I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. just a heads up, i came up with roxy on a whim because this rp just looked so good,  so if it seems like i don’t know what i’m talking about ... it’s most likely the case whoops . ( this is an excuse for me bringing shitty muses ). anyway, my fake cowboy ass loves to ramble so if you’re interested in plotting feel free to LIKE this post or hmu. i forgot to mention that i’m also a fake grandma so idk anything about discord at all and i still need to set it up which will happen in the next few days dsdnsdsdn. 

ps: wanted connections/plots can be find in my wanted tag ( a link is on my blog ) and i’ll also list some below !

EDIT: discord name is nai #7158

 * [ kristine froseth + cis-female + she/her ] —— have you met roxanne ‘roxy’ bailey ? they are a twenty-two year old junior currently studying romance languages and literatures. they live on decker house and word around campus is that this scorpio is compassionate + dedicated, as well as impatient + dishonest. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. 

basics.

full name: roxanne elise bailey

nicknames: roxy, rox

sexual orientation: bisexual

birth place: valencia, spain ( but only lived there for five years ) 

history. 

one could say that roxy had lived an easy life, though her parents weren’t distinguished by their social status, it didn’t mean they lacked money which was enough to support their daughter in whatever she wanted to do.

truth to be told, roxy was indeed a little spoiled, the type of kids who would try all kind of things on the expenses of their parents only to quit a new ‘hobby’ again. she could barely stick to anything. she was some twisted kind of golden child, good at many things but never had the patience to continue something for long enough to cultivate it. 

skipping over the part where she almost tried everything from arts, music etc. she finally found her passion ( and even roxy herself was surprised ). figure skating. she didn’t know what drew her in, she couldn’t explain it, she tried it and it felt right. roxy always describes the feeling as finding a soulmate if she feels extra dramatic that day. 

unsurprisingly, she was good at it. not that kind of good at something she was at all the other things she tried before, but that being good at which stemmed from genuine interest. maybe, that is why she managed to get so far. and it didn’t take too long that people even started to call her a figure skating prodigy. 

at this point at her life, she had it all, spinning the stars on her fingertips ( or warning bad pun ahead: spinning on the ice ). until, well, her parents company was in some crisis and they had to cut corners in the meantime. also oh so ‘conveniently’ roxy lived at the arse end of nowhere and getting to her practices was now even more difficult because as mentioned before they had to save their money for more necessary things. of course, there were more things , small and big, which totally threw her off ( which i am too lazy to list rn).

roxy tried to work part time, but a) the money wasn’t enough b) she didn’t want to cut more hours of training she managed to get. AND well, here comes the turning point and roxy thinking she was oh-so-smart without realizing that it would cost her career. oh-so-smart roxy came up with the idea to , well, just steal some stuff. after all, she trained with many other wealthy peers and she could just sell off their stuff or something. 

at the beginning she only did it to afford certain things she needed, but soon it somehow became an addiction. she felt in control when everyone else in her life was an utter mess. however, the more she took things away from others the more she felt comfortable, doing it more often and sometimes taking things which weren’t even worth that much. it was only a matter of time until she was caught. and as if she was lucky for too long, the person who caught her pressured her into either giving them a hefty sum of money (which she didn’t have) or to quit figure skating. she decided for the latter.

well, here she was and her sudden departure was quite a shock. but she had no choice and stated it was for personal reasons. 

skipping over her being devastated over it, etc. her parents managed to save their company (whatever this company is) but at this point it was already too late and roxy was accepted into holloway. 

right now she actually wants to pick up her figure skating career again, however, she’s too afraid that the blackmailer is going to expose her and also she doesn’t really know who they are (lets pretend they wrote her letters, txt messages >??) and also she’s kind of afraid due to the lack of practice she had .

personality.

okay i’ll keep this short bcs i wrote way too much for her background story. but to sum it up, roxy kind of has that perfect girl facade.  considering how many friends roxy has and how social she appears to be it is odd that no one seems to be able to describe her.  roxy doesn’t want people to know who she truly is, and she keeps her distance as she actively avoids conflicts that might cause her to say something wrong and exposes herself. 

she shields her feelings by only presenting polished version of herself, the facade of the perfect girl: kind, hard-working and polite. someone whose life is easy and someone who looks like she doesn’t have any worries. it doesn’t mean she isn’t anything of that, but it’s not as if her kindness has no bounds or that she doesn’t need to put effort into the things she does. nevertheless, she believes that she must be perfect in order to make people like her. and while, she is pretty good at masking her emotions and smile along, as soon as someone threatens to see past the illusion, she will become defensive and won’t hesitate to lie in order to preserve it.

plots.

best friends: although roxy pretty much keeps her distance from everyone else, this person had always stood by her side. maybe they knew about roxy’s sudden wannabe-thief phase ( which she is still in ) and well tried to talk her out of it ( which obviously didn’t work ). also adding some drama here and maybe they had a big argument over it and distanced from each othr because of it. however, my angst ass doesn’t want to ruin it and they’ll rekindle their friendship. they might meet again at holloway and it’s awkward at first, maybe they even have some arguments but they’ll get over it because everyone loves a good rekindled friendship story.

annoyance: someone who gets under roxy’s skin.seeing past the perfect girl face and constantly calling her out on it. maybe they just have fun annoying her and want to see what she really likes or they just don’t like roxy , thinking that beneath all of this act, she is a really unpleasant person. perhaps, they’re even doing it with good intentions and want to show her that she doesn’t need to hide who she is. whatever it is, they’re determined to expose to the world who she really is. 

pen pal ??:  muse a and roxy had been friends for a very long time, yet the funny thing is that they’ve never met each other nor do they know what the other look like. all they know is their name ( or maybe they only know each other by their usernames ) and their deepest secrets. maybe they already have crossed paths many times and perhaps even know each other but don’t like each other irl. or they never had noticed the other.

blackmailer: BECAUSE WHY NOT??? the person who forced roxy to give up on figure skating. maybe, they were a rival or just didn’t like her, or any other reason. they might as well, have noticed that roxy is secretly training again and might be back at their shit again. 

exes: GIVE ME THE ANGST, maybe muse a and roxy used to be in a serious relationship and as naive they were back then both of them thought this love would last forever. however, at some point roxy started to distance herself from muse a, constantly cancelling their dates because of their busy schedule. at first muse a tried to be understanding towards her, but as time passed things only got worse. roxy hating any kind of conflict just decided to ignore the problem instead about talking about it and eventually stopped replying to muse a messages. muse a never really got to know the real reason behind their break up and was left with unanswered questions. but anything works  

unrequited love: (this is just me throwing in my favourite way to make myself suffer) It doesn’t matter who is the one with the the one sided love because i just want some good angst.a)  muse a has a crush on roxy, yet they never told her about it. yet, muse a can’t hide it and it doesn’t take too long until roxy notices it. but instead of trying to talk to muse a about it, roxy just ignores it acting as she usually does and perhaps even give them false hope that she might like them back. maybe muse a even confessed to her and because roxy didn’t want to hurt them she told muse a she’d think about it.

b) roxy has a crush on muse a but doesn’t admit it. she doesn’t want to show their vunerable side and just plays it down. maybe they’re friends and roxy doesn’t want to lose another friend. but one day she confesses to muse a on accident, making everything awkward between them.

someone she stole from: idk i thought this would be fun ? maybe she confessed to them about it or maybe they caught her but decided to not confront her about it.

fan: someone who used to watch her perfomances on their tv and is still not over the fact that she quit.

i also have a connection page on my blog if these are too specific or none of these work 

i’m too tired to come up with more dsdsdnjsd but gimme everything !! THE ANGST, FLUFF, DRAMA PLS!!! 

[honeymoonjin]

day 11 & 12

With Festa in full swing last week, I feel like I didn’t have a chance to breathe let alone sit down long enough to articulate a review worthy of Day 11. I shall endeavor to do my very best to make up for that here. And, upon reading the start of Day 12, I am actually kinda glad I waited because I think that it gave me time to put both chapters into perspective. 

Day 11 was a very emotional one for Jungkook and I feel like we got to see those emotions coming to a head in this chapter. On the whole, Day 11 was such a fun, lowkey entry that I wasn’t really sure if I would have anything coherent to offer beyond high pitched squealing accompanied by the occasional swoon and cooing. But after seeing the tension and subsequent squabble that transpired at the breakfast table on Day 12, I see that perhaps there was more to ruminate concerning the feelings that Jungkook had experienced in the confessional booth. It’s so interesting from a writers perspective that you chose Jungkook to be the one to reiterate the whole point of the show; he’s younger, thus perhaps conventionally he’s a bit more emotionally immature than the rest of the guys. And yet, from the beginning, none of these guys have ever been portrayed as stereotypical or conventional; you have always expertly reminded the audience that each of the contestants (including our lady!) is more much complex than what meets the eye. It’s one of the things that I love so much about this series; none of the characters are ever “too perfect” and it’s those candid moments of vulnerability or weakness that truly makes this story stand out from a lot of other stories that I read. So to choose Jungkook as the person to make those “bold” comments and to have Namjoon be the one to call him out for being insensitive makes me feel like Jungkook’s response was much more complex than what it seems at glance. Like, it’s pretty obvious that Jungkook likes and respects our lady and perhaps he realized his indiscretion just a little to late but now he’s put on the spot, he’s been called out in front of everyone, and beyond the fact that he probably feels like shit for saying what he said and inadvertently hurting our lady in the process. He’s probably also hella embarrassed. I wonder too if maybe Jungkook is also ashamed that the person who called him out was Namjoon, someone who I want to believe, he respects and perhaps maybe admires a little. And despite the fact that I chuckled a little bit when our lady noticed that Jungkook was “staring at his pancakes like he’s trying to make them burst into flames”, I realized that he might also be both angry and disappointed in himself for his behavior. *sigh* Boy, you were so right all those weeks ago when you said “emotions are messy”. Anyway, that’s my roundabout way of saying, I liked the breakfast scene. Haha! Drama is inevitable; I love that you don’t shy away from presenting conflict for them to overcome. It offers opportunities for character growth and character exploration and I really appreciate that! 

Speaking of character growth, Namjoon got a chance to really flex those skills he acquired from “Hoseok’s School of Sexual Prowess”. That scene left me melting! Melting, I say! I’m not sure if you noticed but I make it a point to not reveal who my actual bias is in these reviews because I feel like I want to give all of the guys a chance to win me over for fan favorite. What I will say though is that you kind of hit on a lot of my personal preferences with Namjoon’s scene. Beyond the fact that the scene was really, really hawt, it fulfilled me on an emotionally intimate level, so it made the scene extra special. Bravo! 

And I suppose Jimin also deserves a standing ovation for that amazing show he put on. Holy smokes that was so hot. From the light banter and quips at the beginning of that scene to Jimin actually owning that entire lounge! And as amazing as the show (plus subsequent private scene with our lady afterwards) was, my favorite bit might be the exchange between Jimin and Hoseok, another scene that filled with tension and new revelations! It might actually be the most fascinating scene because it gave a glimpse at something rather unexpected; something has transpired between Hoseok and Jimin. I might be reading too much into the exchange but it feels as though something has happened away from the cameras between them. Because it feels like there has been a shift from blatant hostility between these two to something more akin to a genuine understanding that this is now a battle for power and control. I could be reaching but I feel like, at the very least, there have been words exchanged between them! It made the scene all the more intriguing! I loved every moment of it. Oh! Speaking of which, what is up with Jin?! When Yoongi asked Jin to speak to Kookie about what had happened that morning, it seemed he was a bit apprehensive to take up the task. I know that there might not be anything more there than just the fact that Jin might not want to be the one to have to broach the subject with Kookie but I feel like there’s more there than what meets the eye as well… my theory is in it’s fetus stage though, so I feel like I’ll hold back on my thoughts concerning Jin for now. And Yoongi, for that matter! I feel like there is something more there as well. AH! Too many theories to juggle! I will let you know what my thoughts are about it once I have gathered more adequate information. 

I still feel guilty for not being able to give you a full length review of Day 11. It really was such a great, light day. Jungkook’s scene left me all hot and bothered to the point where I spent the entirety of the week, searching up Jungkook smut fics to fulfill my Jungkook fix that that chapter evoked in me! Not to mention that the boys getting up to antics for a whiteboard that in the end they didn’t really need just made me all the more baffled by their behavior. It was fun, hilarious and just what I would expect from the guys.

To make up for not having anything for last week, I would like to take the opportunity to tell you about me loving this amazing story so much I nearly force-fed my best friend to read it with me so that I would have someone to fangirl with. Let me tell you a little bit about her. See, she doesn’t consume fanfics with as much verocity as I do. She is a very casual fanfic reader and if she does (which is rare in it of itself) she only ever reads MxM. Period. So when I told her the premises of “The Gentlemen” she was curious enough to read the contestant profiles. But I must say, from Day 1, you had her HOOKED! She would text me screenshots and emoji filled fangirlings in the wee hours of the morning (the only time she had to read at all) every single thing she loved about each chapter and it brings me so much joy that she was really dissecting and appreciating all the little things that I too loved about your story! We would have long, deep discussions about her prompt theories, her favorite members, tiny details that you’ve so expertly woven into the story (like Jimin’s tattoo for example, which is something she is obsessed with, btw) all of her favorite traits that our lady of the house has. It’s been so blissfully fun having this to share with her especially since I have her to thank for getting me into BTS in the first place. So, please know that you have a secret fan of “The Gentlemen” who would like you to know that she has been enjoying herself thoroughly and that she looks forward to your updates just as much as I do now! 

Anyhoo, I think I’ve prattled on long enough. Thank you so much for your continued hard work and dedication to this series! This was such an amazing chapter I cannot wait to see how everything unfolds; it feel as though these last 2 chapters have planted some major seeds (no pun intended!!); I look forward to see what it sows in the coming days. 💜 Jan

Oh my gosh! In all of my ramblings, I forgot to say "shout out to Lady Mango! You go get that stake, girly!" Also, YAY Grandma Park!! Heck, that entire exchange in the bathtub made me uwu so hard my heart is just a pile of mush rn! Also, also!! Jin x Tae is lowkey underrated, so thank you for that! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*✲ﾟ*｡⋆ I lub u so much!! kthnxbye

---

i’m not ashamed (okay, maybe a little) to admit that i kinda teared up and did a happy lil dance when i saw the email that you’d sent in a submission fksdjfkds i figured you’d probably been busy with life or with the mountainloads of content bighit is giving us these days so i was content to wait patiently, and it just made it that much more exciting when i saw this come in !

thank you, as always, for being so sweet and articulate and thoughtful in your reviews of the chapters. often you point out things that make so much sense that perhaps i hadn’t even noticed when writing. other times you hit an idea that i’d slipped in right on the nose. 

jungkook definitely is having a pretty tumultuous time on the show. for him, i imagine he feels like he’s the only one having a difficult time ironing out his feelings, or that if anyone else is struggling too, that they’re acting like nothing’s up. i also feel like jungkook’s competitive streak comes through in unexpected ways. of course he feels proud of his sexual prowess and kinda wants to showboat a little bit, but i think there’s an aspect too where he needs to be the one that’s always bolder than the others to assert his position. writing the namkook scene i kind of drew on that feeling where you’re fighting with someone you care about or think highly of, and even as you realise you’re wrong, you don’t want them to think badly of you and so you desperately scramble for a way to come out on top or prove you’re in the right. there’s also def a degree of him trying to convince himself the show is just about sex and that the rest doesn’t matter. he certainly doesn’t feel that way inside, but we see him vouching from that position so fiercely in d12. 

i’m glad you liked the namjoon scene !! one day i’ll figure out your bias fkdsjfksdjk you do such a good job at analysing and discussing everyone equally that it’s difficult >.<

it’s so fascinating to hear your jihope theory that they’ve spoken before. i must keep my silence on the details BUT there will be a very important scene between them coming up in the next few days of the show that i think will really change things between them and also how the readers see them. i’m super excited to write it ! 

beyond that, i’m happy you noticed something about jin in this chapter.... yn and jin still haven’t resolved their issues yet, plus here we are having jin not respond that well to being asked to counsel one of the members, something he always stated he was happy to do,,,,, hmmmm 0.0

i love hearing your theories so much !!! i eagerly await getting new content out so i can see how they shift and change from release to release

and also you really don’t need to feel bad ! there’s never any obligation to write out a long review for every chapter, but you do so anyway and that means a lot to me xx if you’re busy one week you don’t have to force yourself to make time for it. we have over 50 chapters, so we’re in for the long haul ! there’s really no rush

ahhhh that’s so cool to hear about your friend! it always warms my heart hearing stories of people that got their friends to begin reading and stuff, honestly even the thought that people think about tgm outside of reading it blows me away, it feels so special that it’s something y’all wanna share and discuss w your loved ones xx 

YES LADY MANGOOO i love adding little slips of her in the chapters, i know she doesn’t factor into the main story that much but everyone can rest assured that all of the members of the house (okay, and probably our three on-site producers too) spend a lot of time with her, walking her and cuddling her and playing with her. tae is probably currently trying to teach her some commands, but of course the only one she’s got the hang of is lie down jskfjsd

(finally YES taejin is such an underrated duo i love them)

[funkymbtifiction]

IDK who I am?

Ok so this is kind of a whole ass mess, I started off with a question that would make it a useful read for everyone and not a waste of time, but it ended up being a bit of a personal advice question so I hope that’s ok.

What would cause unhealthiness in a type? Most of the time, i feel like i’m a healthy ENTP, but multiple arguments with my ESFJ (or ESTJ?) mom have caused me to seriously doubt myself in many ways over the years. I read that an unhealthy ENTP can be argumentative, unwilling to drop arguments, etc. These are all things my mom tells me I do, along with not taking responsibility and making excuses. I’m 18 now and we don’t argue that much but we did a lot when I was around 13-15 and kind of, ya know, going through it as teenagers do. And since my mom has basically always used these same digs at me, I’ve assumed that maybe that’s the reason that it really hurts whenever those same digs are brought up now, and basically I have a lot of self doubt and am insecure about being an immature version of my type (because that would mean that i’ve been in the wrong in so many instances in my life if everything my mom says about me is true, and i think that sentence in itself proves my mom right in that i don’t like taking accountability.) As I’m typing this, I’m wondering if maybe that fear of being an unhealthy version of my type or admitting my faults could be related to enneagram ?? Anyways, I know that nobody’s perfect and can definitely appear even worse especially in conflict, I just sometimes wonder if i’m unhealthy or a completely different type altogether. That’s another thing, I’m always trying to find an answer to things, but have a hard time settling on just one. This could be another reason for my self-doubt. I guess my question, after that exhausting story, is WHY? I go back and forth between caring or not caring about personality type, but I’m in a particular stage right now where i care and really just wanna know why i am the way i am (i’m in a bit of desperate state of mind rn lol.) I don’t know if i gave enough info for you to answer this, but what causes me to fear failure so much? Does it have to do with being raised by an ESxJ? Or is it related to enneagram? Or something else altogether? Also, am i even an entp?? you’d probably need to know more about me, but from the way I wrote this, could you give me anything? I’m asking for so much right now, I’d honestly be annoyed at me. But I’ve been so unsure about so many things lately and I just want one thing in my life I can be at least a little more sure about.

I’m sorry you are in a place of feeling like you aren’t sure who you are; if it helps, most people who embark on MBTI journeys face that, sooner or later. And it often precedes a period of self-understanding that helps you find your type, because you start focusing on how you respond to things and how you get things done, rather than what others are telling you about yourself, and linking that to specific functions.

So much hyper-focus on what your mom says about you either indicates you are a high feeler (FJ seems more reasonable than FP at this point, since it’s not about defending self from the outside world, but wondering if what others say about you is true; but if you are sure of Ne-dom, I’d look into ENFP also) or in a Fe-loop. EFJs often mistype as ETPs at first, because they don’t realize how much they lack a specific sense of self, because their entire identity is built on how others perceive, relate to, and speak to them. If this has been a persistent concern for as long as you can remember, consider EFJ (most ETPs at your age care way less what others think, and way more about how they can ‘use’ them to get what they want, since Fe is just a tool for them and not a place of ‘being’).

If you are an ENTP, you sound as if you are in a Fe-related loop, excessively ruminating on others’ external views of  you and causing you to wonder if you are really the irresponsible jerk they tell you that you are. To break this loop, you need to get back into Ti and return to building inner frameworks of logical understanding and consistency. Your natural, healthy tendency will be to notice flaws in arguments, belief systems, and logical inconsistencies, and point them out to yourself and others. You should be learning ‘how things work,’ and not worrying so much ‘how others are reacting to me.’

To gain a better understanding of oneself, you need to put your mother’s criticisms into perspective. Is she the sort of person who finds something harsh and critical to say about everyone, all the time? Or is it just you? What is the objective truth in her digs? Can you come up with specific examples of you doing the things she is accusing you of, or is it just generalization on both your part?

Immature (and at 18, you can’t be anything else, cognitively) ETPs are prone to not taking personal responsibility for themselves and making excuses about it, yes. Ti can rationalize, argue, avoid, and shift responsibility away from self (a natural behavior of unhealthy Fe) rather than simply admit, “What I did was wrong, and I’m sorry.” Arguing, for an ETP, is like breathing – they are so good at it, and so self-assured of thinking up an excuse for everything they do in order to justify their “what I want” based thinking, they forget that their “fun banter” is actually seen as “aggressive behavior” from feeling types. (Sherlock is a great example of what I am talking about.)

If you think your mom has a point, and you can come up with times when you did avoid taking personal responsibility, you have a choice – to work on next time refusing to give an excuse, humbling yourself and admitting you didn’t do what you were supposed to do, or you were selfish and ate the last bag of chips in the house, or whatever else she “gets on you” for. You can also start taking “adult initiative” and doing “mature” things around the house, to show her you are taking responsibility for your stuff, your chores, your bills, etc. The only way to convince an ESJ that you are a mature adult is to consistently act like one and show them you are being responsible with your decisions. Part of being a mature adult, regardless of type, is admitting when you are wrong and taking responsibility for the problems/pain you cause.

If she is criticizing / nitpicking needlessly, analyze her and think about her reasons why she might be doing this, or feels the need to bring others down, or is being “hard” on you in particular. There are many factors that go into people’s behaviors. Do you remind her of someone she used to know, who went the wrong way in life, and is she associating your behaviors with that person’s downward path? High Si’s are prone to instant sensory comparisons of that nature. SJs are also highly responsible people, very driven, who have a specific idea of “how the world works,” and how YOU will have to be, to succeed in it. (IE, 9/5 job, be responsible, buy car insurance, save for retirement, take care of your family, etc). This is how and why they clash with the “when I see it, I’ll know I want to do it, and do it for awhile, and then find something else to do” fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants EP types.

With parents, it’s also important to remember their bias. Their opinion of you is just their opinion. What matters more out in the world is what your boss, your coworkers, and other people who have a direct financial impact on you as an adult in the workforce think of you. Your parents have watched you grow up. Seen all the good and bad things. Things that do not matter at all in the workforce, and that nobody knows about, outside the family. Things that do not have to ‘define you’ as an adult. EJ parents can also have a lot of trouble transitioning from being “parent” to “friend” – she is used to being your “mom.” So, prove her wrong. What can you do to show her you’re an adult?

You might also be an Enneagram 9 or 6 (both, Tritype-wise, is likely) which is messing with your ability to have a concrete sense of self.

Once you’re in college, your functions will show clearer. Heavy school work / an environment where you need to please peers and teachers will bring out lower functional development.

- ENFP Mod

[a-wandering-ghoulette]

Ghost: Tobias finally revealed himself! From MyRock n°57; March/April issue; a FR->EN translation.

Enjoy a 2 page exclusiv interview fully translated from french to english; 3 full-page pics by Amanda Demme and a bitter live report of Zénith de Paris ritual (under the cut at the end of the post)! Note that I’m not perfectly bilingual so any of you who have a better english lvl than me are free to correct any mistake I could have done!

Tobias, master of the Forge

(Translation Note: Yes, we are french and we like dumb puns. So yass, he leads this band, thx)

Few hours before his appearance at Zénith de Paris, Tobias Forge has opened his lodge’s door to us. Decontracted and unmasked, the autoproclamed Ghost’s spokesperson frankly discuss about the band news and about his sudden notoriety.

Interview by Thomas Mafrouche; photos by Amanda Demme.

“In the colllective mind, doing metal is wearing black and shouting in a mic. People believe it’s easy when it’s a music requiring a lot of work and precision.” Tobias Forge

The last time we saw you at Zénith de Paris it was for Slayer and Mastodon’s opening. Tonight, you are the headline and your show is full. You must feel very proud! Tobias Forge: Oh I’m fulfilled! It’s fantastic! I’m very happy with what is happening. Not for the success, but because it allows me to finally have the means to do shows of the scope I always wanted. I always wished Ghost to be big, that our concerts dazzle! There’s nothing which annoyed me more than when you look small on a stage. It’s the case during some opening, or festivals prestations, when we have to play during day time... Ghost isn’t a band built for small stages. It’s a full experience, the spectator must imperatively get what’s coming! But, it’s a monstrous organisation, with a lot of logistical problems to solve beforehand. The more people there are involved in this adventure, the more risks there are for the machine to derailed. But, well, it’s the challenge to achieve when you bring a choir of 40 nuns on stage (laugh). In the end, what matter is that the spectator enjoy it, that they spend a good and phenomenous evening with us.

It is said that you are scrupulous about each detail, even the lights. Is that true? T.F.: Yes... I’m a “control freak”, I must admit it. (laughs) But this hunger for perfection, it’s also what brought me here tonight. This thirst for controling everything, it also came from the fact I’ve often been right by the past, but I was often dismissed... I have long tried to fight against this facet and to let people speak. And in these cases, it often narrowly avoided a catastrophe. So now I assume it. It pisses me off to have become a control maniac, but I’m used to it now, because it’s what’s best for Ghost, and thus, for the public...

Influenced by Candlemass & Metallica

To open your concerts for this tour, you have chosen your fellow countrymen from Candlemass. You’re fan, we guess? T.F.: I’ve been listening to them since I’m eight! They are my heroes! Their album Tales of Creation is one of my cult record! A decade ago, I had the chance to meet them and today we became very good friends. We are often seeing each others, our wifes and children are getting along pretty well too. Candlemass, it’s family! Their music had a direct impact on my way to compose. Plus, there’s all the imagery! I’m not talking about costumes, but the typography and the biblical visuals which always had greatly influenced me. I’ll even confess you something: The first album of Ghost, Opus Eponymous, was written for Messiah Marcolin’s voice [2nd singer of Candlemass, Redaction Note]. At the time, I didn’t wanted to be the singer of Ghost. Then I asked him to join us, but he had declined the invitation, saying he was busy with another project. So, when time has come to sing, I did it with his head voice. Last year, musicians from Candlemass also supported me on stage during Polar Music Prize’s ceremony [Swedish equivalent of Victoires de la Musique, but with guitars, RN (T.N: ouch, it’s a nice shot in our national music award ceremony face, since they never reward rock/metal artists... So yeah, national sized Grammy’s ceremony)]. We covered “Enter Sandman” by Metallica, in front of Sweden’s King and Queen. Robert Trujillo an Lars Ulrich were there as well. It’s an unforgatable memory! My wife and I, we even had dinner with one of Sweden’s princesses, after the ceremony.

Would the princess of Sweden be a metalhead?! T.F.: I won’t go this far, no (laughs). But she was very sociable, we even toasted. It was exquisite!

“Now, I will represent Ghost unmasked. Tobias Forge will be the official interlocutor, the same way George Lucas was the unique spokesman of Star Wars.” Tobias Forge

Speaking of Metallica, you’ll open for them at Stade de France, on May 12th. There, as well, it’s consecration! T.F.: It’s crazy! I’m going to tell you a funny anecdote. I’m not passionate about football, but it turns out that I was in Paris in 1998, during the World Cup. I wasn’t at Stade de France, but I saw pictures in the city, on big screens. And, at this moment, when I saw the final, that you amazingly won, I told myself that one day, I will play in Stade de France as well. It took me 21 years, but this day finally has come! this is proof that you have to believe in your dreams!

Metallica, it’s an institution for many people. For you as well? T.F.: There isn’t a superlativ strong enough to say how much I love these guys! Especially since they became friends. It’s an honour to have been chosen to support them on stage. Notably because they’re one of the reasons  which pushed me to do music.

Which is your favorite album? T.F.: Ouch, that’s not easy! From a strictly personnal point of view, I would say Ride the Lightning and Master of Puppets. But from a professional one, as a composer, musician and producer, it’s clearly the Black Album. It’s their best record, the most complete. Reaching this level of perfection, it’s any musician’s dream. Everything is here, the writing is bold, with a lot of character, and the producing is impeccable. I know it’s a record which make polemic amongst purists, but objectively, it’s one of these albums which had contributed to forge the metal we know today. In the colllective mind, doing metal is wearing black and shouting in a mic. People believe it’s easy, when it’s a music requiring a lot of work and precision. The Black Album, it’s the result of a huge amount of work, it’s months and months of work!

Papa Emeritus vs Darth Vader

The Black Album is also the record of notoriety, the one which propulsed Metallica with the general/mainstream public. This exposure, it’s something you’re living since the release of Prequelle. Recently, your appearance in the TV show Quotidien created a conflict amongst fans. To have a guitar solo cut during a live stream, is it the price to pay when a metal band enter the great mediatical circus? T.F.: Of course, it’s a sacrifice to do. Let’s say that, with Ghost, our relations with medias hasn’t always been good. I long refused to play their game. For a long time, these mainstream televisions had asked for interviewing Papa Emeritus. I always opposed them a categorical no. You can’t interview Papa Emeritus, the same way you can’t interview Darth Vader. You can meet James Earl Jones, who borrow him his voice, or the actor David Prowse. But Darth Vader, nobody can speak to him. It’s the same for Papa Emeritus. Today, in order to reach the next level, it’s time to play the game, but in our way. Since I can’t relate on Papa Emeritus to do the job, I accepted to do this interview unmasked. The problem is that journalists hadn’t the necessary keys in hands to understand Ghost. Of course, I’m not talking about you, because rock press know very well what we are and who we are. You tell me about Candlemass, about Metallica... It’s something else. You, you know your subject. Mainstream medias, them, what’s interesting them is to make the buzz, it’s to have a bone to gnaw. Sometimes, I wonder why I accepted to do such mediatical things... It’s not like I needed them, moreover my concerts are full! But, well, I decided that now, I will represent Ghost unmasked. Tobias Forge will be the official interlocutor, the same way George Lucas was the unique spokesman of Star Wars. The person you have in front of you today, it’s kind of Ghost’s director.

Otherwise, what are the future projects for Ghost? T.F.: There will be a release before the end of the year, but it will not be an EP of covers like we often did so far. It will be something else, but it’s not done and I can’t tell you about it yet. But I recorded some things... The rest of the year, I will spend it  on the road, it will be very long, with, notably, dates in South America. I scheduled to go in studio early next year, to realease an album in 2020. You have to strike while the iron is hot!

(Under the cut you’ll find a semi-bitter live report. Take this line as a trigger warning maybe...?)

Tobias Forge at Zénith?

It took 4 albums, 2 EP and a lawsuit before Tobias Forge, Ghost’s mastermind, offer to the french public an indoor show worthy of the name. The rendez vous is written down for early february, at Zénith de Paris.

Live report by: Roseline Artal.

6 000 persons

Concert: 3/5

Public: 3/5

We was told the show in the capital is full of capacity, but some stands are inaccessible and guarded by vigils. It’s certainly to allow everybody to be dazzled that the band decided to not fill  the venue at its maximum capacity, but it’s a shame for those who would have liked to be part of the lucky ones. After a Cigale and an Olympia much comparable to festivals prestations, Ghost decided to put every efforts here. Finally! Candlemass, coming from Sweden, open the ball, remaining on the very front of the stage. Songs flow, some blunders can be heard, notably when the singer Johan Längqvist mix up “A Sorcerer’s Pledge” and “Solitude”, but the crowd seems to appreciate. They rise their fists up in the air when needed, some heads are banging here and there, and we notice a semblance of circle pit down in the front right. However, it’s hard to remain enthusiastic very long in front of the relatively flat performance. Musicians are playing the game and are having fun, which is something at least. 

A cathedral stage It’s almost 9 p.m when lights turn off and the black curtains disappear, reaveling the magnificent stained glasses awning over imposing stairs. Such ornated, the Zénith stage is standing out! It’s with “Ashes”, perfect for an appetizer, Ghost offert themselves to their audience, but it’s “Ritual” which receive all suffrages on this show begining. As for “Devil Church”, it end on a duel between guitarists. When “Miasma” first notes resonnate, one question is on everybody lips: “Will Papa Nihil show himself?”. And the answer is yes, for our greatest pleasure.  “Jigolo Har Megiddo” is beautifully interpreted acoustically, allowing us to rest down our ears for a short time. Indeed, the sound is unbearable, at least without appropriated protections. Fortunatelly, the view isn’t unpleasant, thanks to a Tobias Forge of many personnalities as funny as worrying.

Papa Emeritus as a mafiosi (well, it’s obviously a confusion between Papa and Cardinal from the reporter here, I’ll correct it for the rest of this paragraphe, T.N) It’s well and truly the last album which is highlighted tonight, which is appreciated by fans. They are indeed ready to sing in unison and turn on there phone on “Life Eternal”, while Cardinal Copia play the romantic mafiosi, all in white dressed, thus marking an end to the first act. 15 minutes of break are offered, without a reason being given. Indeed, when the entract ends, the setting hadn’t change and musicians are wearing the same costumes. What if Tobias Forge became the new Axl Rose with his manic to leave the stage for ages with no valid reason? We’re picky, but these minutes could have been used to play other titles, such as the amazing “Elizabeth” which has disapeared from the setlist for years now... Nothing better than “Year Zero” sing by everyone and the cover of Rocky Erikson’s “If You Have Ghost” in order to put us in a good mood. However, the band found a way to ruin it all by dragging the members presentation out for long minutes. What a shame. “Dance Macabre” and “Square Hammer”, which we all keep loving during live, reconcil us with the swedes, then, without surprise, we’re leaving on “Monstrance Clock”, an ode to femal pleasure. When the lights turn back on, we can’t help but thinking this show was both a success and a disappointment notably due to useless dead calm. 

[rorykillmore]

i feel like i send u this every time i cant decide on new characters lol but do u want any canon mates for your charas rn, which ones?

uhhh let’s see... i ALWAYS want canonmates. though first of all a disclaimer: i might do a bit of character cleanout after the revamp and on the chance that you’re considering any of these i don’t want you to like, commit only for me to drop them, so let me know if you are thinking of picking anyone up.....

lucille... idk. it’d be complicated if she got canonmates because she’s already had significant interactions and developments with previous iterations of edith and thomas. so idk. it could be interesting??? but it really depends on the angle

siobhan, i’m gonna be real, i have ALWAYS wanted a livewire for siobhan. livewire would make, like, the perfect addition to the denny guardians. and she 500% deserves better than what she got in canon, so everybody wins!

otherwise maybe a winn?? i think i’ve talked about this before but i have a soft spot for winn and siobhan’s dynamic, and i think it’d be interesting for them to interact now that she’s developed a lot...

(also a cat grant even though her and siobhan hate each other because i’m just like, CONSTANTLY in a state of “denny needs a cat grant”,)

for sara... hm probably one of the legends (idk if i can narrow down favorites, kendra, snart, zari, jax maybe...) or most definitely an e-1 laurel! which would, y’know, cause a lot of catastrophic conflict, but also sara and e-1 laurel deserve their reunion, so,

bramblestar... you know i’d really love to see one of the journey cats on denny?? we had a few of them at various times -- squirrelflight, feathertail, giz tried out crowpaw briefly. but man i would LOVE to have bramblestar interact with tawnypelt, or really... any of his half-siblings, because he and hawkfrost obviously have a lot of conflict, and he and mothwing. never get to fucking interact and there’s so much potential there. anyway if bramblestar had any kind of sibling on denny it would definitely be super interesting, given tigerstar’s presence and the conflict tigerclan presents in general.

or you know who i’ve always thought would be a really interesting warrior cat to see on denny? goldenflower. because i have a lot of questions about her relationship with tigerstar that the books never answered. and also, give bramblestar his mom back,

for dolores.... i think it’d be really interesting to have a teddy!!! they have so much unresolved shit they need to deal with, and it’d be... sad and complicated with dolores dating laurel now. otherwise, virtually any of the characters you apped/tried out were fucking great, or i would love to have a bernard sometime especially with their mounting conflict.

or i’ve always thought dolores would have really interesting conversations with emily....

for sophie-anne.... idk [immediately forgets all the true blood characters]

no but i would definitely love to have a hadley!! that’d be one of those like. “basically expanding a lot of headcanons for a ship we really didn’t get to see much of in canon” things but. what we saw of them was great, and i like my “hadley would ask to be turned” headcanon. or maybe someone like pam or tara??

camille.... well you’ve mentioned wanting to try out jackie and obviously i would LOVE that. camille and jackie’s relationship is really. poignant to me but i also think they have a lot of unresolved, sad stuff going on. i think camille... forgives jackie or is trying to because she’s also trying to forgive herself for what happened with marian, and she loves jackie so much and jackie was sometimes the only thing that made her childhood bearable, but yeah. also there’d be a lot of potential for funny stuff obviously but there’s something legitimately impressive about jackie’s ability to get dirt on EVERYONE so i have to wonder like, what else she’d get into,

and then.... jay tried her out for a bit (and was wonderful with her) but i would fuckin kill to have an amma long term. i think amma is a wonderfully. painfully complex character who you could do a lot with in rp and admittedly i also just, want to give her and camille some kind of closure arc because they REALLY deserve it, 

i don’t know if anyone would ever try her out because she’s only in one episode but maybe alice too?? although i might cry too hard for that,

sly’s answer is surprisingly like, “too many to count”, because i realized how many sly cooper characters i would LOVE to see on denny. obviously there’s carmelita but i think fate is still planning on apping her eventually?? so besides her... definitely bentley or murray! how could i not want sly to have his best friends... and i also think someone like neyla has a hell of a lot of potential (good balance of ‘scary villain who would do shit’ and ‘potential to flesh out some legitimate complexity’) and that clockwerk if played right would be a TERRIFYING threat and.... someone like dimitri could make a fun comic relief character, or i have such a soft spot for the panda king

or really, honestly, ANY of the cooper ancestors, and so many of those are fan favorites so i’m always holding out hope that someone will pick one of those up! consider: rioichi and nyssa would get along INCREDIBLY well,

for nightcloud.... hmmm honestly i wouldn’t mind having a crowfeather as much as there is to complain about with that relationship because. i’m always here for rping things out in a more satisfying way than canon,

but also like... god i don’t know. feathertail or... i’m trying to think what other female characters Deserved Better because i would love to give nightcloud a ship with another she-cat that kind of. deconstructs a bit of that jealousy thing she does

for susie i would be SO fucking stoked if someone apped someone else from the suspiria movie, actually. specifically like... madame blanc or sara because obviously susie had very poignant and important relationships with both of them (and i think they’re both great characters in their own right). and like. aren’t we all here for sad gay stuff,

also this might be a weird answer but i’m like... weirdly attached to the remake’s version of olga?? she has like 10 minutes of screentime so idek why except for the fact that i was like, previously attached to olga from the original movie. probably no one would ever care enough to flesh her out and app her unless they were like BIG into suspiria like me or fate or jemi are but, y’know

cordelia.... already has/or has had some great canonmates on denny; obviously i already REALLY love your myrtle. if you’re not still planning on apping her... idk i know you also said you were interested in coco or queenie and they would both be amazing to see. basically any of the coven witches!! or uh... christ idk i don’t have the energy to sort through the other seasons of ahs characters now but, any ahs characters would be really interesting i’m sure

for alana, barring the two you’ve already tried out.... i of course think having hannibal around would be both catastrophic and extremely interesting for everyone involved. or also, possibly a weirder answer, but jack??? idk you know we need some like. Solid Law Types for the mld maybe, and i have a weird soft spot/interest in alana and jack’s relationship. or like... obviously getting an abigail would be really sad and complicated (but also, give abigail a shot at a normal life,) or i’ve always thought bedelia could be super interesting on denny...

but naturally the REAL answer here is matthew brown,

for villanelle... i mean i should preempt this by saying that i can’t think of a like, major or supporting character from killing eve who isn’t fucking delightful and i would be thrilled to see ANY of them. if you continue with irina i would rp with her more in an instant

but also..... i would lay down my life for an eve, i gotta be real..... idk what else there is to say.  eve is another character who would be interesting with the mld (though. not for the same reasons as jack. the mld has had corrupt characters and it’s had lawful characters but it hasn’t really had someone who’s... slowly spiraling off the rails yet??) and of course i would throw like 15 million plots at her with villanelle (and my other characters, i guess, >__>). villanelle deserves to have the rug pulled out from under her with eve showing up, so,

okay and then laura.... idk american gods is. SUCH a universe. there are so many potential characters from that who would be fun on denny. to narrow down a couple, obviously shadow and laura have... a lot of unresolved issues to work out and i would kind of really love to play off a shadow because i have a thing for like. sad unresolved ex plots?? and they’d be great for that, nevermind the fact that shadow would have a lot of potential on denny...

ooooor mad sweeney because i have to admit i am becoming a LITTLE bit of a sucker for him and laura as a ship and how could i RESIST the opportunity for things to spiral into disaster if/when she finds out about his involvement in her death. but also like. give me them working through that and becoming better people together.  or mr wednesday!! i mean any of the gods would be INCREDIBLE to see on denny but i think mr. wednesday really stands out as far as... how much overall plot potential he has because he is really such a driving force. and i both love him and love to hate him,

[soysaucevictim]

Even though exercise helps... I can’t exactly say I’m okay.

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May 23

Been up since a bit before 8AM. Just barely enough time to get myself ready, coffee’d up, and scramble some eggs for breakfast.

One of the first things I did while at the facility (after picking up a printout) was the DD. 40 reverse crunches with EC. I enjoyed doing this one a bunch!

Then I worked on that drawing some more, while I waited for group to be in session - I think I finished it. But I will post it tomorrow with fresh eyes. WRAP Group went alright.

Not a whole lot of time after that to do anything but flip on my MP3 player, waiting for the van.

I spent most of my day once home with the usual. But I’m happy I didn’t forget the new iZombie episode and I did get in the rest of my exercise afterwards.

First, Day 23 of the YCal. Today’s video was “Yoga For The Spine“. There was a LOT to like here - especially all them twists. Plank-to-downward-dog bit was the hardest part of the whole sequence, imo.

Second, Day 23 of the PWC. 2′ march steps. I counted 185 steps in that duration. Kind of happy for the shorter time tonight.

Last, Day 23 of the 1′MC. I admit I was both restless (about tomorrow’s appointment) and tired (from sleep dep), by the time I sat down for this. But that’s understandable. *Shrug.*

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May 24

I woke up at around 10AM.

Today was rough going. And I still don’t feel good about it.

As far as exercise went, I only got around to doing today’s DD. 30 crunch kicks with EC (before shit kind of hit the fan internally). I enjoyed myself a bunch with this one - a fun piece of ab work! :D

But then I went to my pre-hearing appointment... and ever since I’ve felt such intense self doubt that I just... feel unbearably conflicted about.

I spent much of my day binging The Umbrella Academy afterwards to try to distract myself (as well as the usual...)... but I couldn’t really shake off the appointment.

To quote most of my Tweets:

I'm... just not sure about anything anymore. Least of all, my own needs, esp when it comes to the kind of support I need. And if I'm confusing it with wanting something I don't deserve or haven't earned. I'm brought back to before I got any help for my mental health.

Where I constantly doubted my own picture - that I didn't have serious enough issues to be addressed professionally. That I was making things out to be worse than they had to be - and I could just... think my way out of it, if I tried hard enough.

I mean. Everyone thinks I'm so smart and apparently "high functioning". So wtf is my problem here!? Sometimes I wish my self-preservation instinct wasn't so strong. That I could stomach that kind of "cry for help". I want to stop suffering. But I know I won't go that way.

Maybe in some alternate reality, I wouldn't be so "strong". Maybe in that world - I would be more deserving of the kind of support I thought I needed.

I kind of anticipated this outcome and I appreciate the points, made in that appointment. A lot of bitter and pragmatic points. The hearing's not until next month, so it's not completely hopeless. But it's hard not to feel like it approaches that probability.

I can't shake the feeling that I'm just not trying hard enough.

I’m in a lot of emotional pain.

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May 25

I got up around 1PM.

I kind of lost track of the day and had to retroactively fill in some blanks. I think YouTube and games are a safe bet.

I did do some but not all the exercise I intended to do. Still felt too much like garbage to keep going.

First, today’s DD. 2′ bicep extensions with EC. I counted 126 reps in the duration and that pace got pretty tough to maintain. But it was satisfying to manage 1/sec. :D

Last, Day 24 of the YCal. Today’s video was “Total Body Yoga - Deep Core“. I admit, I was mostly going through the motions and wanted to get through this to get it done. But after a bit of retrospect, I did like the sequence. Worth a revisit in better straits.

Yeah.

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May 26*

I’ve been up since a bit after 3AM.

Same old BS. Still fucked up mentally rn.

First, today’s DD. 2′ march steps with EC. Going to have to do a bunch more of these later, but I counted exactly 200 reps this time around. An enjoyable exercise, nevertheless. :D

(After getting really distracted and frankly over-eating...)

Second, Day 25 of the YCal. Today’s video was “Yoga To Calm Your Nerves“. Okay. This is yet another glowing favorite from me- pretty gentle and fun. Only downside was coming into it with a very full stomach. So some of the inversions had my stomach complain a bit, but the breath practice and balancing work was appreciable! =w=

(After getting distracted again for awhile...)

Third, Day 26 of the YCal. Today’s video was “Yoga For Concentration & Mental Focus“. This was  a familiar favorite one... and yet another to revisit more often. I did very much enjoy the moments in tree pose yet again. Did a little bit of rocking for crow - but decided I wasn’t ready yet for full expression. Perhaps some day (still need to work on not having knees and elbows crash into each other). Also decided to take milder mods throughout... since it is after 3AM already. orz

Third, Days 24+25 of the PWC. 8′30″ + 2′ march steps. I counted 800 + 205 steps respectively. So many march steps... this waking period.

Last, Day 24+25 of the 1′MC. A bit fidgety and restless for the lateness. But ah well, I find these moments beneficial.

I admit. Even though I ran obscenely late on my exercise - getting as much as I did “today“ did help me feel a little less gloomy. *Shrug.*

But with that, I really ought to get to winding down. orz