#i have really bad attachment problems
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Sometimes I hear in my head the inflection my ex used to use when they said "im not going anywhere" while they assured me they'd be in my life forever, before they broke up with me and we never spoke again. And it lowkey haunts me whenever someone tries to assure me they're not going to leave my life.
I know, obviously, that there are always reasons and circumstances. And you can believe in forever in one circumstance and not be able to give forever in another circumstance.
But damn do I have an abandonment issue lmao
#its giving divorced#i have really bad attachment problems#its all fucked up and insecure and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy lmao#i know in what ways i was to blame for people leaving my life#i am pretty self critical and reflective and i can see it#but it doesn't really make the issues any better or go away#because i dont actually feel very in control of myself#changing behavior takes a very very long time for me and usually comes with weird dissociative disorder bullshit attached#so its just nearly impossible for me to make connections#and even more difficult to keep them
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today i love the red metal crane in her long neck arching her body over the boston skyline, which means i am okay for a moment. when i am unwell, everything is a little ugly. i always tell myself look for the beauty but when it is bad, i will look at birds and sunsets and little ducklings and feel absolutely nothing.
when my brother got his puppy, i was in a deep depression. what kind of monster isn't affected by a puppy. i was gentle and kind to her - i just didn't have an emotional reaction. she's five now and i feel like i spend all of our interactions apologizing to her - i don't know why. i just didn't feel anything. how embarrassing. i feel like if i admit that, i'll seem cruel and jaded. it comes in waves. like, two months ago when i went out into the world - it was like that. life behind a pane of stormglass. a firework could go off over your head - nothing. like dead skin, no reaction. not to ice cream or rainbows or baby chickens. life foggy and uninteresting.
i love goslings again. i love their little webbed feet splayed over grass. i love good food and live music and long walks. i like puppies. i feel like some kind of my soul has been starved - i keep staring at everything with wide eyes, trying to burrow the sensation into my stomach. it's real. beauty is real. when it's bad again, remember this. i stop and smell the flowers, feeling cliche in the moment. i like the white-to-red ombre of my neighbor's roses. i like colorcoding and yoga and cold drinks. i try to pass my hands over every moment, feeling like i'm squeezing joy out of every instant. remember this. for the love of god, it's real - just remember this.
#and yet i NEVER DO REMEMBER IT#spilled ink#writeblr#i feel like due to tiktok ppl think >#deeply depressed & not having an emotional reaction to things MUST mean#you are cruel or uncaring#like girlie that is STILL a lack of mental illness awareness. it doesn't make us mean#it just means im like. ohhhh im not well. i don't really react to puppies. that's bad#Im still gonna be super nice to the puppy. like it just doesn't bring me joy.#bc the problem i have is CLINICAL. the dopamine ISNT being made.#but PLENTY of us are still kind#considerate.#GENTLE people. even if we're like '..........' all the time.#i actually think this is why i'm harsh on people who are so mean - you don't need to be emotionally attached to someone/thing#in order to be kind.... you just choose to be kind bc it's the right thing to do#not bc it's easy....... like it's extra effort sure. but it's worth it. bc ppl deserve kindness.#it's hard to describe this bc it's the ugly side of depression. the part that's like#not in netflix - the part where it's like ''i love this person. i just don't feel anything''
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i'm clearing out a lot of my old bookshelves because like. my bedroom at my parents' house was not a habitable space when i moved back here, and a big part of that is that a whole wall is bookshelves that have undergone no real pruning since i first got sick. so, in close to 20 years.
anyway do you guys know what it feels like to be down to "as many books as actually fit on the shelves, no double stacking, and with only 2 floor piles still to sort through" (profound relief) followed by the knowledge that there's five full boxes still in the garage...
#i'm REALLY trying to be ruthless but the problem is you can spend two hours sorting books. But Then.#you can feel your sorting mechanisms Actively Warping so you need to take a break to hard reset#and the problem is i have the disease that makes you bad at long term complex executive functions.#so as you imagine this has been harrowing.#like not in that i get really attached to the physical books and it's hard to let them go. i would love to let them go.#i just get so fucking sick of Deciding.
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wonderful
#there is a ranboo that goes withthis but i didn't like how he was looking imma restart from scratch tmrw😭😭#ctubbo#michael beloved#ctubbo fanart#Guys you have no idea what i went through today like it wa fucking crazy i need to share this#so i went to the mall after school right and im going home at like 8 on the train with my friend bc i was supposed to be picked up ay her#stop right but then im told to just go to my stop and take the bus and im like ok sure but the problem is my phone is on SEVEN PERCENT and w#hen i get to the stop my moms like u have money for the bus right and im like ueah and i check and i have NO MONEY#BUT I DIDNT TELL HER ANUTHING BC I DIDNT WANT HER TI GET MAD BC I KNEW SHE WOUDKNT WANT ME TO WALK ALL THE WAY HOME AT NIGHT (FOURTY BLOCKS#So im like ok im getting on the bus now my phone is on four percent i have to WALK HOME allll that way and there's this crazy ass upward hi#ll that's like ten blocks long ITS NOT EVEN THAT BAD but like my mom thinks im on the bus so im trying to speed walk as fast as i can and i#RAWDOGGED it too because MU PHONE WAS GOING TO IDE!!!!#I made it home at two percent U guys i was so proud of myself thank u for listening#IM SO MAD IT WOUKDVE BEEN OKAY IF I WASNT IN A RUSH And also if i had music uggghhh Whatever#I bought this really cute skirt at garage hold on let me find it#lexi pleated skort color Navy blue ITS SOOOO CUTE got some new leg warmers too yesss....#I NEED TO DOWNLOAD THE TRANSIT APP i woukdve been able to attach my apple pay and buy the stupid ticket if my phonewasnnt#too dead to do al that...#Guys always make sure u carry cash with yiu goodbye
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#ALL POWER DEMANDS PAIN AND SACRIFICE: musings.#okay but this made me laugh so hard just because of how much it reminds me of misao JSJSJ LOL because she has had like casual 'flings'-#with people and is an addictive personality as i've talked about here once which includes her being a love junkie + getting into-#relationships with people because she is in love with the IDEA of being in love though falling in love with someone can't just happen-#like magic as it involves a bunch of hormones and stuff but misao kind of somewhat hopes that this person of interest to her will somehow-#complete her life anyhow which... yeah can definitely raise a few problems as people with a love addiction often attract love-#avoidant people because both of these types of people generally have a fear of being abandoned and controlled.#but whenever it comes to love-avoidant individual's they're also emotionally unavailable so 😬#it's unfortunately kinddd of a recipe for an unhealthy relationship that could very well lead to the both of them being in a bad place-#once they break up as misao as a love addict is constantly seeking out new love in particular as a lot of excitement and good feelings-#come with this particular type of love in particular. so yeahhh - i know that this may be a bit of a weird picture to do a meta to but-#SHHH lol i just thought it could possibly relate to her more long-term relationships that she's had with people as misao-#tends to avoid feelings of vulnerability with people as you may all know and so this leads to both her + the other person not really-#knowing what they are BC they haven't really established that deeper connection even though they've been together for a while.#not to say that i'm trying to blame misao for having problems with opening up or anything like that but she has a very disorganized-#attachment style i think and that leads to her often doing this continuous 'push and pull' thing in her romantic/sexual ships#where one moment she will want to be attached to the hip to them but the next she will be cold and distant from them.#so yeahhh. misao is honestly kind of like what i've said barton is before: a cake inside of a cake because i feel like she's got sides of-#herself that she doesn't even know about because she's been scared of being fully emotionally vulnerable with someone for a while now sadly#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.
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It's rage-inducing how all the adults in my life spent my entire childhood trying to "prepare" me for "the real world" by bullying and punishing me when I forgot stuff only for me to get a new job and have them give me two chargers for my laptop without me having to ask bc of course it's easier for everyone to have one charger and home and one at the office. We all forget things sometimes and no amount of discipline can change that. So why not just give everyone two chargers? There's literally no reason not to.
#the charger at the office is even attached to the desk (they have really good cable management) so I can't accidentally take it home#guess what. I've never been without a charger so far#also one time when I messed up something my boss was like 'nah that's more of an ui problem. that field is way too easy to miss'#as a former abused child & mistreated worker I was FLOORED#now I'm even more mad at everyone who's made me feel bad for stuff like that#musings
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#13 for the end of the year asks 3
End of Year Asks!
13. How was your birthday this year?
Yknow whats cool is that... I dont really remember. I think it was kinda like. Mid. A normal birthday. I should do more for my birthdays... I do think I went to hibachi with friends and that was nice! but I never ended up getting the cheese cake I wanted lmao
#ask#ask game#angelofconsang#and to sound like an ungrateful first world problem having child#I do kinda wish I had people around me who like.#put effort to set up something?#maybe its cause I miss how it is as a kid#where yknow you just have to show up and enjoy what your parents set up#but so many years have gone by where no one else really cares among my friends?#I have to be like 'hey its my birthday are you free to eat out?'#and sometimes the answer is 'no sorry we're busy'#like ah cool okay maybe I'll stop caring about my birthday like everyone else#like I Get people not caring for it or even having bad memories attached to the day so they just Dont#but man I do care lol#and if I may be selfish I want someone else to care about my day
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why are men literally the fucking worst
#theres a guy in one of my uni friend groups who has a crush on my friend also from the friend group#and she feels so so uncomfortable plus she hasnt done ANYTHING thatd give a hint that she likes him back. bc she doesnt#and now she doesnt feel ok around because hes so attached to her and so so needy and its like. well. way to fuck it up dude. fuck you#he has been acting so strange lately and not in a good way. strange awkward and needy and like. possesive.#her and i also have another friendgroup where frankly i feel much better with and she does too. and its like. well the guy is always like#butting in but now really being part of anything? like its not like he comes over to the grouo to be with all of us hes just sort of . there#talking only to her or sometimes me but its like not nice its weird and annoying#ALSO HES SO PATRONIZING TOWARDS HER ITS AWFUL#AND hes like. a bit older.... where its not like. the weirdest age gap i dont think so. but it IS a bit weird considering some of the things#he has said. like the other day he made a comment about how my friend 'well shes so young like people her age sometimes dont get [x]' like?#if you think she is SOOO young and SOOO out of touch with people your age well why the fuck are you asking others if you have a chance w her#get away from her really#sidenote: today she was telling me and a different friend about this problem and my other friend said it was really uncomfortable and bad +#that he used to think the guy had a thing for ME BEFORE??? and i dont know if he also thought -i- had a thing for him but please god no.#even the hypothetical made me feel super uncomfortable. also i used to feel like that a bit like he might like me and it was bad and gross#so i dropped a comment that let him believe i was a lesbian i think? also got much colder towards him . like. thats what you get fucker#about the lesbian thing i meant that he told me about a friend of his that had it hard coming out as a lesbian and i said like oh yeah being#like that was hard for me also. finding out i was not straight was tough etc .#dont remember if i said the word lesbian i dont think so but i did say i like girls and i didnt mention boys at all so i hoped itd be enough#also people dont really -get- what being asexuas means + didnt want to tell him im ace + techically i Can like boys bc romantic attraction#is undefined to me but i was definetely not going to tell him that bc 1. im much more prone to like a girl and 2. not trying to get his hope#up.#so anyway it was gross to realize other people saw it too so i mightve actually not been insane to think he had a crush on me but it was bad#and also. i really need for my friend to be comfortable in class so i might have to kill him who knows. well see#spikeposting#personal
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I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the best way to diffuse direct sunlight on a sketchbook for a guy who never even actually does any outdoor sketching anymore
#trying to mentally work out the pragmatic logistics of a small white umbrella vs a collapsible diffuser vs a really big white sunhat#the main problem with the latter is that sunhats are mostly meant to. you know. fully Block the sun#trying to draw a subject in bright direct sunlight with your sketchbook in full hard shadow is also really hard and annoying :')#the OTHER problem with a hat is that what if the sun isn't coming from there 🤔#the thing about an umbrella or a diffuser is: okay where do I Put It. how do I set it in place#and theoretically the answer is 'on a tripod' or 'attached to your easel' but...#my approach to nature journalling and outdoor sketching is usually a lot more casual than a committed Plein Air Excursion?#like-- the ideal scenario is I go for a little nature walk because I like it and then what if I see a cool bug!!#WELL then I have my art stuff with me!#this is my preferred approach and has always served me well and only becomes a problem the more Stuff I want to have with me lol#I don't WANT to pack out an entire tripod or easel for the casual possibility of seeing a cool bug in bright direct sunlight#but I do want to conveniently have options for a variety of different scenarios if they happen to arise#I really just need a bag of holding in real life real fuckin bad tbh#about me
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to be honest... i barely glanced at tumblr for the last 3 days and i'm only looking at it now because work is too boring to deal with without distracting myself, and i honestly did feel a lot better without it
#it's the constant balance of 'there are some folks i genuinely like that i have no connection with outside this platform' and#'social media is just full of a bunch of draining crap and maybe if i cut it out then i could better engage with actual problems' and all#i feel like i genuinely did get kind of dependent on this site for a while and i don't like it#it took me a while to break the decade long habit i had with twitter but now i genuinely don't miss or think about it at all#and there was some loss there but it genuinely was bad enough to need to be cut out of my life#and tumblr is... bad for me in a more low-key and hard to break way because... hey look! all my interests in one easy place#but then i don't even engage really deeply with my own interests outside of reblogging things#idk idk. i just don't want to feel like i've wasted so much time here so i'm emotionally attached to my own history with the site#but what is that? a bunch of stupid memes and examples of unpleasant behavior? i genuinely am tired of this shit
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I know I haven’t touched this blog in some time but I need to get this off of my chest!
I love being a girl, I love being a woman, but sometimes I have this fantasy where I am a nameless, gender less being who has the wackiest fashion and doesn’t care about identifiers. Am not brave enough to come out as nonbinary (at least not yet… Future Self is under a lot of pressure) but I often think about the nicety of being ambiguous and purely just living without any of the gender norms and expectations!!
#my mom has been quipping me time and time again about my future responsibilities for marriage and child birth#i’m not even into guys but she has no idea (i am a lesbian)#just been having problems :(#but really i would like to be she/her for the rest of my life#it wouldn’t be bad and i like being feminine and having that attached to my identity#but sometimes… a brain wishes#wishes it were someone else for pleasure and fun and nothing more#personal#gender discussion#i went halfsies with my online persona by going by she/they but will i ever be brave enough to come out as they/them? that is my fear
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Why, if you feel you must put a tall toilet in a room with 2 toilets, did you feel the need to make //both// of the toilets tall
#directed at the room my family stays at when we can afford it#fantastic with enough beds for everyone 2 bathroom so I don't feel bad for getting stuck on a bad day#but both bathrooms have loud fan attached to the light#tall toilets#and no external lighting#I'm 5'2 my legs are dangling 2 inches off the floor#naturally my first day here was a bad Crohn's day#oh almost forgot the tp doesnt really absorb#vent#crohn's disease#chronic illness#ibd#crohn's#crohn's problems#chronic pain#Crohn's flare
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putting the lil "Japanese 80s City Pop Songs" playlist to destroy my morning executive dysfunction because the vibes are immaculate and it feels like you're in those domestic movies where you see the characters living their little routine in their house and so you're just mimicking the energy
Also it cures depression, i forgor world is a fuck and i'm going to be so happy while filling paperworks ✨
#nano.txt#also i 'binged watched' (as much as my ADHD college student ass can binge watch) All Saints Street and ough...#i love it so muuuuch but i can't even ramble about it#my gf wants to see it so i can't spoil too much#my bestie is hesitating bc it contains some stuff that might trigger them#and i feel self-conscious about rambling about it on the server bc i fear they might not really like (dumb i know)#(but i keep connecting at times when there's noone for several hours so i just. delete stuff. when i get no feedbacks/reactions smh 🤡)#good god i do have attachement issues i think 🤡🤡🤡 oversharing and rsd is a fucked up mix 🤡🤡🤡#am i the problem or is it again bc of my kinda neglecting parents that im oversharing to get attention but then feels bad when#i have nothing in return or isolation or a silent treatment ? Who knows#adhd or trauma let's guess 🤡#...ok it turned into a rant in the tags fuuuuuuuuuck#but it made me realised things lol#vent#yeah...#smh word put in quotes gets deleted
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Losing my shit thinking of this ageswap concept that I think I wanna include in a work eventually- but the idea of Toichiro + the ultimate five + the scar members being in black vinegar middle school as a gang with a sort of school politics dealt by unusually ruthless middle schoolers that are all espers. Also just having to deal with the sheer mayhem that would be all of them in school and them nearly blowing everything up once every week.
Meanwhile Mogami and Reigen are over at salt middle school dealing with supernatural shit, bullying, and home lives that just make their lives the embodiment of this
#PERSONALLY I LIKE THE IDEA OF MOGAMI STILL BEING ALIVE AS A KID. I THINK IT IS INTERESTING.#in this au I think they'd be childhood friends who drifted apart for a couple years before finding each other again#both of them are doing Bad and end up attaching to each other uh. in a not great way!#meanwhile claw is over here doing 14 yo politics and chaos#actually wait I'm gonna ramble more in the tags-#so I like the idea that similar to how mob was known for his powers when he was young. so was mogami#but this ended up attracting the wrong kind of attention by people who wanted to profit off his powers#mogami ends up disappearing for a couple years and it rly hurts reigen cause he rly did care about mogami. they were friends!#mogami ends up reappearing halfway through middle school and he... doesn't look great#doesnt help that salt ms has a serious bullying problem that ends with the both of them being bullied and outcasted#they end up reconnecting and during this time. reigen fostered a very real interest in the supernatural#reigen is one of the very very people who isnt terrified of mogami and outright thinks his powers are cool#they bond more and more until mogami asks reigen if he Really wants to see spirits#the two of them end up becoming a sort of spirit hunting duo with mogami maybe kinda um. eating some spirits on the way#mogami might manipulate reigen a bit here to make him okay with it. never said mogami was Good <3#reigen develops a bunch of his core morals here and also learns some bad stuff. reigen is def the moral one between them#rly RLY like the idea of mogami and reigen paralleling ritsu and mob by having mogami be unhealthily protective of reigen#and outright nippy to anyone who tries to approach him besides reigen#mogami and reigen just have unhealthy vibes FRRRRRR but I kinda love it <333#mogami would want to bite mob. I know this in my heart#I'LL HAVE TO CHEW ON THIS IDEA I RLY RLY LIKE IT ACTUALLY
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giant pet peeve is when someone acts like they’re above a concept by instead proposing The Superior Alternative and it’s literally just by definition the exact concept they’re talking about that they just didn’t bother to google
#occasionally think about that dipshit brony back in the day that was like#relatability is overrated#for example. i find this character to be compelling despite being completely unlike her because i aspire to be her#or this thread that kept landing on my feed that was like i think escapism is dumb and bad#i simply read stories to feel very good and nice in the moment but i am consciously aware i’m not really escaping!#like come on. come on#and then it went on and on about the problems with cozy queer games#like Maybe you would have a decent point here if it wasn’t attached to this dumb incorrect definition of an easy to understand word#dottxt
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vent time. cw for abuse, bugs, self harm, blah blah blah blah
#so i have really really bad issues with bugs for several reasons#growing up - probably from ages 3 to 14 - the house that i lived at had a really bad roach problem#and i was always really scared of ingesting them so id do things like wash dishes and cups before i use them and id feel queasy eating beans#fast forward to about 17-18 or so and my dad and my step ma are going through a pretty nasty divorce#and it just so happened that that house had bed bugs#everyones bed was mostly okay except for mine#and since my parents were so caught up in their divorce they didnt make time to deal with that issue#so on top of horrible insomnia and bug trauma and skin picking issues i was essentially getting eaten alive every single night#this lead to me hallucinating bugs on my skin whenever i had anxiety attacks -- which i had A LOT at the time#i would pick at my skin so roughly until i bled many many many times over and ive always been a self harm junkie so NOT GREAT#but anyways after we moved out of that situation into a new apartment#i spent a full 12 hours cleaning and sanitizing every single cloth item i owned#but i had a lot of plushies for comfort purposes#in the new apartment my dad found a dead bed bug and blamed it on me#because of my plushez#he kept yelling at me and pinning it on me and i snapped and threw out all of my stuffed animals eventually#and i sobbed and cried so fucking hard... i think that was one of the worst cries of my life and ive been beaten crazy before#he came to yell at me about it again but i told him i threw them all out and my voice broke and i could tell he felt bad for me#so fast forward again and i bought a big seal plush and its become my number 1 comfort object i lost it for a few days and felt such panic#i cant sleep without it and i cant get a new one#i love you so much ponsuke if anything happens to you i WILL kill myself#hes the first plush i bought for myself after the Purge happened and i am... unhealthily attached#millievents
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