#i have no idea how some people can regularly make art this was so exhausting | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ryuichirou · 2 years

Note

You’re probably tired of so much KaliJami but headcanons for RSA!Kalim x NRC!Jamil?

Also, how do you feel about genderbent? Like one of them is female or both are female? I’m sorry if you answered this before.

Not at all! We’re not tired of KaliJami, we actually like them very much, so please don’t worry and keep asking if you want to. It just takes a while to get to them with all the other ships, as you must’ve noticed...

Ohh, RSA!Kalim and NRC!Jamil!.. Sounds fun, we’ve actually discussed a little bit the fact that before Kalim was transferred to NRC, he could’ve been in RSA – because where else would he be? I mean, we just don’t really know other schools, and RSA is known for its over the top goody two shoes. But before I list a couple of headcanons, I’ll answer your other question.

In general, we love genderswap, I draw genderbent characters from shows we’re into from time to time. But it doesn’t work as well for us with twst for some reason? It’s hard to explain, and we’re not opposed to it: there is some really pretty art out there with genderbent characters from twst. But I guess it’s just unlikely that we’ll draw or post anything, although you can never know for certain with us lol

We also tend to genderbend both characters because this world needs more girl+girl couples with interesting and messed up dynamics. A lot of times this is our main motivation.

Alright, so headcanons…

Kalim misses Jamil a lot. For the first time in their lives they’re separated like this, and it affects Kalim on a much deeper level than he anticipated. He has a lot of friends in RSA, he has a bunch of servants that went to live with him since Jamil isn’t around, but it’s not the same without Jamil. Simply because of that Kalim is actually having a hard time at RSA, even though he spends his days laughing and hanging out with Che’nya, the gnomes, Neige and pretty much any other RSA guy.

Kalim messages Jamil every day, writes him letters, calls him, he is actually quite obnoxious about it. Jamil is very annoyed by it and doesn’t always reply, but if Kalim were to stop texting him for like 5 hours, Jamil would probably get concerned about his well-being and call him. The codependence is strong.

Jamil visits Kalim at RSA more often that he would like to admit; sometimes Kalim asks him to help, sometimes Jamil feels that he needs to check on Kalim because something was weird about him the last time they talked. He also sends him food regularly and even helps with his homework… he does a lot of things he does in canon, but now he also has to travel back and forth for it. Jamil really hates it, and it’s not like he absolutely has to do it, Kalim isn’t forcing him to, but he just can’t help it. When he thinks about Kalim being there alone (even with a team of servants), he starts feeling anxious and loses his sleep over this. Which kinda makes him hate Kalim even more… because Jamil really thought that he would be free from all of this for once in his life.

Jamil asked Kalim not to come to NRC several times, but Kalim is very stubborn and excited about the idea of visiting Jamil, checking out his dorm, meeting his new friends, etc. Deep inside, Kalim feels this unusual (to him) and strong jealousy and frustration, because he doesn’t get to hang out with Jamil as much as people from Scarabia do. His first instinct is to befriend them, to get to know them better, in hope that it will make him less jealous and hurt, but this probably won’t work. Although he’ll definitely become a star at NRC rather quickly, because he is loud, charismatic, sweet, and people love him. Jamil, on the other hand, feels absolutely exhausted every time Kalim visits him…

One day Kalim decided to completely ignore Jamil’s pleads not to visit him at NRC (at least because it’s dangerous for Kalim to travel alone) and arrived on his magic carpet. His excuse? “But I really wanted to see you, Jamil! And no one got hurt, so it’s good, it’s good!” I’m sure they unintentionally recreated the balcony scene from Aladdin, granted Jamil was much more tired and done than Jasmin. But they still went on a magic carpet ride, because the alternative option was to let Kalim stay in Scarabia until morning.

#replies #headcanons #kalijami

64 notes · View notes

archandshri · 5 months

Text

12 April ‘24 - [arch] Making a Comic in a Week, Disability and Burnout (all unrelated, of course!)

Hey Shri and folks!! LOVED seeing part three of the Lionheart Brothers cover. Stunning!! And awesome to see your process. Also cool to see what you’ve been looking at lately - I’ve just finished a rewatch of Firefly and the characters are still living in my brain a bit.

Life is a bit relentless, huh. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy working on disability stuff - meal prepping, sorting silly government forms, all that sort of thing. Exhausting and super easy to burn out on - but also sets me up for the future in my personal life and for illustration! I want to discuss the balance of pushing and burnout this week with an excellent example - I tried foreshadowing to make a comic in a week.

When I was in uni, it was easy to create cool stuff regularly - you’re constantly receiving prompts, doing activities, getting feedback etc. I still have access to these things, especially through my shared studio community, but it’s not as easy as it used to be. I miss creating finished books, in particular, so frequently. So! I challenged myself to make a comic in time for Something’s Fishy Zine Fair in Plymouth tomorrow, which was just over a week from when I started.

I had come up with the concept for the comic while travelling, written the script and done a couple of sketches. I often come up with concepts while travelling - I just don’t often follow through :P Here’s a couple of sketches I did on the journey.

I’ve been chatting to lots of people about what they enjoy about art - I’ve noticed that I tend to crave the end of the project and having the physical thing with high expectations of myself, which doesn’t lead to a very enjoyable process. Many people I’ve spoken to enjoy the ‘zone’, the focus of the project where you’re just figuring stuff out and not thinking about anything else. Bearing this in mind, I wanted to make the process as fun as possible - this comic is for fun and not for the purpose of having the thing at the end.

I started with a few development sketches of the characters and the vibe. I used ink and my funky kakimori dip pen, plus some brushes. These mediums are hard to control, which makes them good for development for me - they don’t have to be good, this time is for gestural drawings and ideas generation. Some continued doodles in my sketchbook from some downtime :) Fish wouldn't leave my brain.

After a bit of character development, I began by adapting my script into pages - I read the script and try to feel the vibes on how I want to pace the comic, considering:

How much dialogue and plot do I want to put on one page?

Do I want it to be more text or image-heavy?

Do I want it to feel fast and snappy, or slow and dreamy?

Which parts of dialogue feel like a page-turner?

Are there any twists that should be separated from the rest of the scene by a page-turn?

Are there any moments that should sit next to each other on spreads?

You can see me changing some dialogue around, writing as I draw a bit. Also playing around with some weird looking fish?? With noses???

I got a bit stuck at this stage. I was scared my script wasn’t good enough. And worried about if I could even draw fish. After a couple of chats with art friends, and some rambling in my slides, I reminded myself that the lesson this time is fun!! Have fun goddamn it!! No point doing it if you’re not having fun. (it’s not like we make any money from riso printed zines anyway)

Screenshots from my slides - these things are wonderful for gathering inspiration and venting when you run into a problem with the project.

So I decided to just go for it. Not even thumbnail, but just take a scene and draw it. I asked a studio friend to choose a number, and I drew that scene.

Because of the chatty style of the comic, and how much dialogue there was gonna be, I knew there would have to be a LOT of panels. I decided to make it A4, and use a 8x6 grid. I’ll draw the images at A3, and than scale them down to A4 when it comes to printing.

left: A3 grid on the lightbox, for tracing over || Right: A4 grid with boxes of different sizes for me to reference while choosing the layout - this way I can see the final print size

First drafts of a couple of random pages from Moon Noodles.

The first day I drew several pages that I was really happy with! It gave me a lot more confidence in my script - seeing it come to life with the characters on the page - some pages even got some laughs which was nice. I would look at the page plan, script, and spend a few minutes thinking about the pacing and how I wanted the dialogue on the page, and the go straight in with the dip pen - with the awareness that it might be wrong. This process taught me an important lesson - you have to just do it. The thing is, if you do it and it’s bad, you just do it again but different. Repeat. Staring at that script thinking it wasn’t good enough wasn’t actually going to get anything done, be fun OR make nice stuff. You have to do the thing. Then you make it better.

The other thing I learnt from this process was to give it space. There was a day where I did one page, hated it and thought the pacing was off, and spent the next day trying to translate it into two pages. It didn’t work. I came back the next day and realised the first page I’d done was fine and just needed a couple of tweaks. Do the thing. Let it be.

Here’s a little picture of my setup.

(Sorry all of Printhaus for hoarding the light box and getting ink all over it :( love u)

Useful stuff!!!!

Finished pages to refer to, plus more A3 paper underneath for future pages

Laptop with script

Dip pen, ink and water for keeping that little guy clean!

development sketches for relevant scenes

Page plan (you can see I have shortened it considerably since last time - now it's 20-24 pages and noted on scraps of paper so I can move them around if there's any changes of plan)

A4 sheet with boxes to show the sizes of the final print

also scissors??? i don't remember why they're here

But then monday morning came. I realised that if I wanted to get it all printed by friday, I needed to:

Plan and 12 pages on Monday, and 12 on tuesday

Get the final files for every one of the 24 pages by Thursday

Print friday morning

Travel down to devon Friday afternoon

Fair Saturday

Not only is that basically impossible, but it would be very bad for my health, make for a rushed comic, and most importantly, not be fun. The thing is, I’ve made whole comics in a couple days before. I figured I could still do it. But that’s not actually a good thing - my skills and taste have increased, I'm aiming for bigger, more ambitious projects and yet I expect the timelines to stay the same? It doesn’t exactly work like that now, does it?

But I kept going anyway.

Tuesday morning, I decide to get the cover put together so I can get the preorder post-out. I get pulled into an unexpected meeting, and then spend the rest of the day inking this thing and getting the files sorted. At this point, I know for sure It’s not possible to get this done. Thankfully my two Printhaus besties were in. They helped me drop it. I love this comic, it feels fun and joyous and I’ve enjoyed working on it - lets not rush it and end up with a bad product that will bother me. Let’s take time, explore it and really enjoy the process!!!

All is not lost for Something’s Fishy Zine Fair, though! Originally, I had planned to do a print of the Moon Noodles Cover for preorders only, but why not print that for Something’s Fishy?? Anyone who buys the print will also get a discount code for the pre-order :D (also here’s the pre-order link)

So here’s a few images of the Moon Noodles cover print and the process!! I hope to see some of you at Something’s Fishy. It’s a joy to visit Plym again :D

Sketch printed out at A3, and 2 of the layers. I scanned these in and edited them on photoshop to get the files ready to print.

Coming to terms with the fact that 1) I don’t have illustration superpowers even if my expectations are that high and 2) I’m disabled (yes it’s been years and it’s still hard to face) is really hard!! I need to spend most of my time when I’m well preparing for when I’m not AND fight the urge to work until I burn out, which I always lean towards because it’s nice escapism.

The thing is that living, and not being too exhausted to move is much more important than a comic. And if I am gonna spend my functioning time making comics, they’re gonna have to be enjoyable to make. Otherwise your life slips away from you and you haven’t been really living it.

Hope that hasn’t got too deep for you. I think that stuff is important to face, especially since the creative life is so incredibly busy.

Thank you for reading this goddamn essay, I hope that it helped in some way! As usual, feel free to drop an ask if you have any questions.

Chat soon :D Archie <3

4 notes · View notes

aprofessionalwithoutstandards · 11 months

Note

I wanted to get your opinion on this because I need to know if I'm just being silly or not:

I'm seeing a new slew of Pyro As A Girl art and I'm getting weird flashbacks to when this fandom was way younger and would fantasize about Pyro being a hot lady under the suit. I feel like it's been this thing of "Oh don't worry we've made her what I think the stereotype of butch is and shipped her with Miss Pauling!" but it really still feels like Pyro is getting the same treatment once again of "There's super hot tits under there for me to drool over" and idk idk. that's how I've been feeling and I can't tell if I'm just being silly or not. especially cause contextually it's always been that "Pyro is under there!"

like I love Pyro and I find Pyro sexy but not cause I need to imagine it's a hot woman underneath and I feel that this is that again but oh make her butch so it's fine she's still got a huge rack either way

Hmm something else I'm of multiple minds about! Let me try to break down my response:

I think an influx of trans/gnc positive art is a net good. I don't think the depiction of butch and/or trans suitless Pyro with visible breasts is at all comparable to the "fempyro" fantasies of cishet men. Context is important and a lot of people find depictions like this empowering

I agree that the idea that Pyro must be visibly More Feminine (or God forbid "female") in some way in order to be acceptable for Pauling to date is regressive. Using visible breasts as a shorthand for "butch" or "trans", especially when it's assumed that only transmasculine people/all transmasculine people look like that, is exhausting. Pyro does not need to look like what this website defines as "female" or God forbid "afab" or "women and femmes" or whatever in order to be an acceptable nonbinary person for a lesbian to date. Pyro could have a body like Scout or a body like Medic or a body like Heavy and they would still be able to be both nonbinary and sapphic

To be quite honest I think you're overthinking it. This is giving a lot of "secondhand dysphoria" energy which I'm not at all fond of, people get different stuff out of different headcanons and you just gotta make your peace with that! This kind of thinking can lead you down a path of regularly lashing out at trans people who draw trans characters you don't personally relate to and that's just not something I can promote. YOUR association of visible breasts with Pyro being "a hot woman" is YOUR problem. YOU are sexualizing that kind of body and acting like it makes them unable to be nonbinary or whatever. I'm trying to not sound harsh but you're making some pretty strong claims here that I'm not comfortable fully endorsing. There's SOMETHING here but ultimately it's dressed up in too much presumption and maybe even pseudo-misogyny for me to interpret in good faith lol. Good try but like, C minus.

#ask #anon #tf2 #pyro

17 notes · View notes

gunkreads · 1 year

Text

(back to our regularly scheduled programming)

So I know I said I was about to read Leviathan Falls, but I had to put a hold on it at the library, so I grabbed Ten Arrows of Iron in the meantime.

Ten Arrows of Iron is the second book in the Grave of Empires trilogy by Sam Sykes. I read the first book, Seven Blades in Black, nearly a year ago now. It was... well, if you wanna read my review, you can search its title on my blog. Ten Arrows of Iron is preeeeetty much the same deal.

Before, I compared this story to Kings of the Wyld by Nicholas Eames (one of my all-time favorites) by saying Seven Blades in Black had all the same things right with it as Kings, but more things wrong with it.

The world of this series is pretty compelling, with Sal, the protagonist, on a revenge quest the no-man's-land of a war between the militaries of the Empire (made of mages with a comically hackneyed array of powers) and the Revolution (Basically the Imperium of Man from Warhammer 40k). There's some wacky interdemensional shit going on in the way background, but the foreground stuff is basically "Sal has a haunted gun and a list of people to kill. She is mean, bad, funny, and in extraordinary pain with even more extraordinarily bad coping mechanisms."

These books, the Grave of Empires trilogy, are an exercise in non-restraint. Sykes lives and dies by the idea that every single line he writes should be fucking killer. He makes liberal use of paragraph breaks, italics, choppy sentences, and all-caps dialogue to this end (kind of like I do in these reviews!). You might be able to tell this just from that description, but these books can get BEYOND exhausting to read. Blah blah, "when every line is a showstopper, none of them are," blah blah.

However! If you let yourself melt into the narration, you can see it as both 1: characterizing the narrator (diegetic narration; Sal is telling another character her story) and 2: a thousand attempts at greatness with about a hundred successes. Sykes takes that 10% success rate and says "Fuck it! Good enough!" assuming that you'll also feel that way. As I believe the old crusties on this site say, "YMMV" (Your Mileage May Vary, for those of you who also didn't know what that meant).

Personally, I read these books in the same way I watch action comedy movies. They aren't high art. Are they constructed well? Yes. Are they changing my life? No, not at all.

Do I have a good time reading them? You fuckin betcha! They're oozing style in a way I don't see often. I've seen somewhere that Sykes created his setting inspired by old-school JRPGs; to this I say nay, this is Wacky West. Y'know how Sergio Leone basically said "Here's what a cowboy looks like!" and all of America went "Yeah we're cool with this, it's awesome!" Sam Sykes agreed with all of America on this and made Sal his Clint Eastwood. She's a cowboy through and through, in all the most ridiculous ways mythologized by classic American filmmakers.

Or... at least, she was in the first book. The second book cranks up the melodrama quite a lot. It's actually a very pleasant transition, with Sal having plenty of reason to become more emo and the difference coming out fairly smoothly. She's really questioning herself more in this book, which is saying something, but her narration does show wild swings in her belief that she's a bad person that are actually super interesting to read, but... possibly too deeply buried for some peoples' tastes. It's not that Sykes actually buries anything--he's about as subtle as, well, a zeppelin falling out of the sky--but because he's so blindingly hamfisted most of the time, any character or plot beat that's done normally feels like a little secret just for you.

I can't say I'd recommend these books outright, but I will say that if you're in for a couple 600+ page brain candy fantasy action comedies, these are pretty fuckin' stellar.

#ten arrows of iron #grave of empires #seven blades in black

6 notes · View notes

manofmanymasks · 8 months

Text

The Man of Many Masks

I would like to introduce you to my main deity. The Man of Many Masks is a very personal deity to me. I've only ever worked with a masculine face, so I refer to him with he/him. However, he contains multitudes, and I'm sure there are parts that use any pronoun you can think of. Some people may see him as a concerning deity to work with due to a lot of the verbiage he uses to describe his domains or the fact that blood can be an appropriate sacrifice, at times. He is not an easy God to work with, but he makes me feel fulfilled and like I am not alone in the way I am. I hope you can appreciate him as much as I do and consider integrating him into your practice. He has certain aspects that encourage plural folks to seek him, I believe, and have listed it as a domain of his. I don't see it as "he causes plurality" and much as he is and protects those who are plural.

Domains:

• Concealment, Deception, Doubt

• Multitudes, Plurality, Reflections

• Protection by way of hiding, information and knowledge for self protection

• Paranoia, Anxiety, Instinct

Prayer Marks

The graphic is not all exhaustive. These are just what I've figured out. Learning the language of your God is the hardest part.

[Image id: bluish-white digital drawing on a black background. 8 symbols are labeled. From the top, left to right: "greeting" is a chin shape with a single line to the left inside. "Knowledge" is the chin shape with a triangle inside, pointing upwards. "Doubt" is the chin shape with 4 lines inside. Furthest left is a sideways J. Next is a short line above it. Next is a long line that goes past the top of the J. Next is a short line, shorter than all the previous. "Change" is the chin shape with a downward pointing triangle in it. "Mask is a chin shape with an oval near the top and 3 lines below it, making two eyes and a nose. "The Self" is a complicated mask. 6 vertical lines point from the chin, and are matched across the center line. The lines descend into the chin like steps. There are two off-kilter Xs in the free space on either side of the lines. "Rejection/Punishment" is the chin shape with an X in it. "The Other" is the chin shape with a total of 5 lines. One is in the center and goes about halfway down. Two on either side are a little lower but the same length. In between each line is a very short dash, making eyes. End Image id]

Communication

• Mirrors or Pools (srying)

• Tarot (masks)

Suggestions

The Man of Many Masks is very internal. Communication is often through you. The relationship tends to be very transactional and distant. This deity is very personal to me, and this guide includes a lot of UPG.

Emoji associations

Any face, but especially: 😶‍🌫️🥸, 💦👤🐢🦚🦎🍽🌑🌚💧🌬🌫🎭🪞🪟🚿♒️🆔️🔹️

Ways to worship/devotional acts

• Therapy: Shadow work, Self-Reflection, IFS, Working with the idea of different selves in different situations

• Religious: Prayer Marks and prayer, Mirror scrying/Water scrying, reading Tarot, meditation (especially for reflection)

• For systems: internal communication, switching intentionally, striving for functional multiplicity. Striving to understand roles and triggers. Not disclosing status to others to keep yourself safe.

• Art: Community Theater, acting/voice acting, Role-playing or "being someone else." Making or printing masks. Writing/representing the self through characters.

• General life: Self Defense Classes, Home Defense Classes, not just "how to defend" but "preventative measures." Hot showers. Keeping animals that choose to hide or disguise themselves. Wearing earrings or other bilateral clothing/accessories that doesn't match. Protecting your information (not just regularly changing passwords, but not disclosing more than necessary to coworkers, bosses, Teachers, landlords, strangers etc. They are not your friends and they do not need to know.)

Correspondences:

• Objects/Concepts: Masks, The Self, Deception, Names, Multitudes, Mirrors

• Animals: Turtles, Chameleons, Octopi, Cuttlefish, Snakes, Peacocks

• Plants: Bee orchid, Lithops, White dead nettle

• Crystals/Gems/Rocks: Pyrite, Fake gemstones (think craft store gems), Metamorphic rocks, cubic zirconia, zircon, moissonite, glass

• Elements: Water/Air

• Celestial Body: Neptune

• Numbers: 2 (masks in the comedy/tragedy masks, representations of the self in a single mirror), 3 (minimum to not be a singularity or duality, but multiple.), 10 (average numbers of alters in a system)

• Scents: Lemon, Bergamot, Green Tea (alertness), Vanilla (Safety), coconut (protection), Rain or Ocean (water)

• Colors: Gray-Blue, Blue, Mirror-Green, Gray/White

Offerings

• Foods: Cookies or other foods shaped like something else, ie. Heart cookies, gingerbread men, braided bread, meatloaf Man.

• Burning Appropriate Incense or Colored Candles

• Mirror (dedicated, with Prayer Marks drawn onto larger mirrors), Masks (make them, display them, wear them, use mask shaped soap, etc etc)

• An array of one kind of object's variants. One of each color of a candy, a set of tabletop dice, a bunch of different novelty erasers. Show Multitudes through objects.

• Any listed correspondence can make a good offering

• Shredded documents. You could even blend them and make them into clean new paper.

Transaction/Ritual examples

• You want to know if you can trust someone. You set yourself in front of a mirror and begin meditation. Draw the appropriate marks on the mirror if large enough, on a chalkboard, paper, tablet, etc if not. Appropriate Marks may include "Knowledge" "doubt" "mask" "the self" "the other" and directional indicators like arrows, joining symbols like circles, and other grammatical symbols. Keep your face visible. When you feel sufficiently connected and like he is with you, pray and commit your offering. This should be appropriately scaled to the task at hand: consider current distance of relationship, social standing of target, and how guarded they may be. Once the offering is complete, scour your face for changes, and interpret accordingly. Consider the language of the deity, and what his communication may mean. This Ritual may be helped with steam, smoke, or other concealing things between you and the mirror.

Altar/Shrine Ideas

• Appropriately colored flowers, especially the correspondent flowers. If those are difficult to get, Fake flowers are not only acceptable, but encouraged.

• Mirrors

• Masks. Black, blue, or green masks, especially ornate ones. Any representation of the theater masks are also acceptable, and if they have meaning to you, can be used.

• Chalkboard, Whiteboard, second mirror for writing on, etc. These are important for your Prayer Marks. Choose something you can wipe off (dry or wet erase work. Wet erase is good if you plan on leaving it until next time.) Unless you're okay replacing your sketchbook from time to time.

• Candles. Blue or green. It may be hard to find candles that are the correct color with the correct Scents you want.

• Incense. See above Scents. Finding an appropriate holder can be an exciting devotional activity.

[Img ID: blue-white digital drawings on a black background. From left to right: a circle labeled candle. A long, thin rectangle labeled "mirror." Above this is handwriting that says "mask is on mirror, glued to top." Below is handwriting that says "optional incense" and below that is an upside down house shape labeled "chalkboard." To the right is another circle, assumed to be another candle. An arrow points towards the mirror and says "The mirror has a metal frame that swirls. Flowers are woven in." End Image id]

#pop culture paganism #pc paganism #my faith is strongly inspired by the silt verse because im an introject of an OC in that universe #paganism #deity #deity worship #deity work #actually plural #plurality #osdd system #osddid #religion tw #sorry for tagging mental health tags but hes helped me come to terms with my plurality and as a plural protector god i'd like to offer him #to any pagan systems #parker.txt #the man of many masks #devotional

6 notes · View notes

solarianvoidthearoace · 1 year

Text

This is going to be a vent mostly, because on one hand I recognise and know for sure that my fatigue, how quickly I’m exhausted, and my orthostatic intolerance are not new. I know I have had these things at least since middle school! I had COVID in November and that might have worsened it, idk, first summer since then. But I definitely have had a cardiovascular weakness before I had COVID.

TW: Self-gaslighting, self-doubt

So the thing is I know these things aren’t new. I did martial arts in my tween/ teen years to the point it earned me an osteochondrosis/ osteochondritis dissecans.

Like, I have always been a bit chubby but I used to be fit-ish. Still, my endurance was crap since I can remember. I always sucked in school PE because I was panting after one round track. My leg muscles ached and I was hunched over desperate to catch my breath.

I have accepted I am not as able-bodied as a person in their early/ mid twenties ought to be.

But I sometimes feel like maybe people are right. Maybe I am just lazy and chubby. Maybe I am just unathletic.

Multiple people have repeatedly told me it is not normal that I have back pain every couple days. That it is not normal to have knee pain every few weeks. That it is not normal that I needed to splint my wrist for going-on 8 weeks consecutively.

But what if I am just lazy and overweight? What if I don’t really have these joint problems but it’s just me being unathletic?

Maybe I’m just unathletic and if I worked out regularly I wouldn’t have a reason to say I have some orthostatic intolerance.

Maybe I’m just unathletic and if I worked out regularly I wouldn’t have a reason to suspect I have dysautonomia and rheumatism.

Maybe it’s on me.

And my acceptance of being disabled is just me evading responsibility because I know if I wasn’t getting overweight I wouldn’t have these issues.

On one hand, yes, maybe my body is faulty and disabled. On the other hand, it sounds a lot more realistic that I’m just overweight and making excuses.

I know this is probably self-gaslighting. I have a family history of rheumatism and dysautonomia.

But self-gaslighting is easier because then the blame is on me and I don’t need to run around trying to figure anything out.

If I’m at fault I can just give up.

That’s another point, actually… my acceptance of the “fact” I’m likely disabled is also fleeing the responsibility of “fixing it”

Like, I immediately accepted shit might be chronic and I will just live around it/ live with it. But I never think about the responsibility of fixing my disability.

I’m probably really just telling myself it’s chronic so I get out of it without needing to do work.

And if it isn’t me lying to myself – if I am disabled – then what? I still need to put in work and need to try to fix whatever is wrong with me. I’m not allowed to just accept things at face-value and live with them.

Either way I am obligated to fix myself/ my body. And that’s the part I don’t care for.

I don’t feel like I’m allowed to call myself disabled because I so easily accepted the idea. Because I so easily accepted having to live with whatever it is, instead of trying to get it fixed.

If I was actually disabled, I’d want a cure, right? I’d want some wonder-fix that makes my body function like everyone else’s.

So, ultimately, chances are I’m just talking myself into believing I might have dysautonomia.

#vent post #venting #physical disability #orthostatic hypertension #orthostatic hypotension #orthostatic intolerance #orthostatic dysfunction #dysautonomia #chronic fatigue #joint pain #sick punk #cardiovascular weakness #self-gaslighting #self gaslighting

0 notes

lumos0lux · 1 year

Photo

🌸 Planet of Seandhrîel, my DnD world 🌸

Hi there! It’s been a while! How have you been? Here is my life update :)

I’ve been having an art block, a writers block... well a life block to be super honest. Exhaustion from work started it all. I have been on 0 energy for far to long and last October took out the last of me. I had another identity crisis, came out as Jenny (she/her) again, I finally quit my job, and slept for about half a year. I started a new (part-time) job at the end of January and been slowly crawling back to enjoying life a bit more.

I still don’t feel complete however. The job that I have now is a night-time job (I LOVE IT) so I go to work in the middle of the night, come home in the morning, sleep until 1-2 pm and then I’m free for the rest of the day. My problem here is that I don’t do anything during the day. I sit in my bed or at my desk and watch YouTube videos. Mostly either Critical Role, and daydream about playing DnD, or vlogs and daydream about doing vlogs. Which just makes me sad because here I am doing neither of these things. I in fact don’t do anything. I do so little that even my introverted cat things I’m boring...

So that is what I’m currently panicking about. I know I still need rest as this level of exhaustion from work isn’t something that is cured in a few months even if work and the doctors think it is, I know it is okay that I have days were I just lay in bed and watch other peoples vlogs... but every day? No! I want to get up an do things. I want to get back into a more active life style. Have a routine again. Exercise, do sports, do art, go out, travel, meet people, study. HAVE A LIFE.

One adventure is planned, next October I will travel to a place that is very near and dear to my heart and I will tell you more about it then 💕 At least I hope I can go on that trip, I need a bit more money than I have and make now, so I’m still searching for another job, plus I really want to open an art shop. I have ideas but art block and fear is still holding me back.

I need to push that fear down. I really want to open this shop. I really do want to do all the art I have planned out. I also want to get back into blogging regularly, both here on tumblr, but I also made a new blog on blogger. I love watching weekly/daily vlogs and I always wanted to make them as well, so that is another goal. Do a vlog and write something similar on my blog. Weekly blogs and weekly vlogs. One problem I have with vlogs is that I’m not a talkative person... at all, as I said, even my cat things I’m boring... BUT lately I have discovered “silent vlogs”, I don’t know if that is an actual term but I have come to call them that haha. The vlogger doesn’t talk and rarely even show their face. Just put on some lovely music in the background, if they want to say something they put it in the subtitles. I love it. So maybe I’ll start there?

Mostly I just want to start doing things. Even little things. Can be as little as blowing bubbles or going on a picnic to the ocean. If you have any ideas, please do share. I’ve seen people on tiktok doing similar “challenges”, get out there, do small fun things every day. Tiktok in general would also be fun, I have about 2 videos on my tiktok, lol. But again, then I have to be talky, and I’m not a talker. I guess that could be a challenge in itself. Become a talker. Isn’t the goal here to become a bubbly happy person?

#Life update #hello it is me #I'm back maybe #Artist on tumblr #what is life #I want a life #send help

1 note · View note

mothra-mcyt · 4 years

Note

Do you think you could do some headcanons with SMP! Ranboo, SMP! Tommy, and SMP! Tubbo (separately) dealing with/reacting to a doting and kinda parental older brother Reader? Like, Reader cooks for them when they’re hungry, spoils them rotten with affection and meaningful gifts, goes on adventures with them, never yells or gets mad at them, encourages them to be children, and overall is just the best big brother these traumatized kids could ask for.

Speaking of trauma, Reader also helps them deal with theirs by teaching them positive coping mechanisms, like drawing, listening to music, squeezing a stress ball, thinking back on good memories, etc.

For some physical description, I imagine this Reader would be significantly taller then the boys and that he would be very muscular with a comforting sort of Aura, if that makes sense lol

Reader would give the BEST hugs :D

Bonus Points if you could perhaps mention how having a loving and supportive permanent family figure affected these boys! -🐏Anon

(I made the reader 6'6 (198 cm) which makes them taller than Tommy and Tubbo but still shorter than Ranboo because he is canon 8'5 (256 cm) i hope that's alright)

☾ c!Tommy, c!Tubbo, c!Ranboo with a big brother reader ☽

!Warnings: Non!

》 Tommy 《

Honestly as soon as he meets you and talks to you for a little he already sees you as an older brother

Since wilbur died he never really had a parental/older brother figure to guide and take care of him

(And let's be honest Philza also didn't really take care of him so you being there for him is really improving his mental health)

Calls out your name whenever he is scared or needs help

Definitely calls you big bro

Is very scared of loosing you because of Wilbur leaving him so whenever he searches for you and can't find you he starts panicking

Once he lied to you and he found out and was really scared that you were gonna yell at him but when you asked him calmly why he lied to you and didn't react bad he was so confused because that is what he was used to with Dream

He regularly has nightmares from all the trauma and once he was brave enough to go to you for help

Was really scared you were mad at him for waking you up but when you asked him to cuddle with you after he explained what happened to you he was so thankful

After that always comes to you after having a nightmare

Talks about how annoyed he is that you're taller than him but he actually really likes it because it makes the hugs feel so much better

Really wants to go on adventures with you (honestly probably just drags you along with him)

At first tries be act like a grown adult around you because that is what he had to get used to but when you encouraged him to enjoy the remaining years of his childhood he just started the most childish shit

Sometimes you do need to hold him back from doing too dangerous stuff

》 Tubbo 《

Honestly he really needs a guiding figure in his life

Everyone always gives him so much responsibilities and so much he has to take care of that he can't even enjoy his childhood

Most of the time he doesn't even know what to do when all these people lay their trust in his hands

Always asks you for advice because he just trusts you

Honestly he's so relieved that you're there for him and take some weight of his shoulders

When he's really exhausted from all the things he has to do and take care of he just likes to cuddle with you and talk with you about the stuff that happened during his day

Slowly he started realising that he doesn't have to behave like a strong adult around you so he starts doing all the stuff he wanted to do as a child but didn't have time to

Uses your height and strengh as an advantage to make you give him piggyback rides

Once when he was really anxious you drew with him as a way to distract him from the stress and through that he found his interest for art

He would start to act more like a child and less like an adult

Would definitely call you big bro and constantly talk about how much of an inspiration you are to him

Looks up to you with you being his older brother figure

》 Ranboo 《

Oh lord please help this anxious boy with memory problems he desperately is in need for a guiding older brother that he can trust

When he gets anxious in social situations or in general you let him take your hand to help him calm down

You're the first person he tells about the dream voice in his head, the memory problems, enderwalk state etc.

Honestly just give him a hug, please do it, he really needs one

Please this boy has no idea how to cool food for himself please oh lord help him

When you notice that he's scared to voice his opinion in a large group of people or just in general you always ask him for his opinion making sure that he doesn't feel uncomfortable

You saw him having his first panic attack when you searched for him and found him in his panic room

After calming him down you give him advice on how to stop yourself from having a panic attack when you're not there for him

Memory boy is definitely not used to getting affection and feeling cared for so when you showed that you cared for him he nearly started crying

"Big bro sniff i need to let you know sob that i threw up and i don't know how-"

Also him introducing you to Phil (who immediately adopts you) and Techno (who at first doesn't really trusts you)

Masterlist

#mcyt x reader #dream smp x reader #ranboo x reader #tubbo x reader #tommy x reader #tommyinnit x reader #mcyt headcannon #mcyt headcanons #dream smp headcanons #dream smp headcannon #🐏 anon #headcanons #request

697 notes · View notes

melanielocke · 3 years

Text

Lost in the Shadows - Epilogue

AO3

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised

Previous Chapter: Chapter 35

This is the epilogue and final chapter. While there are some loose ends and I might write a sequel one day, I have currently have no plans for one so it would take some time. As it is I'm working on a Frozen TLH story (chapter 1-3 are currently published), and one post CoI story titled "We bury the sunlight" so look out for those.

Alastair decided to move in with Jem at the end of the summer. He had managed to finish decorating his bedroom just in time for the first week of university, which he was excited about starting. He wasn’t sure why, but he’d expected Jem to be overbearing and constantly worrying about his mental health. He’d always thought that was what a psychiatrist did, he guessed, just like his father had always feared Jem would know about his alcoholism from just looking at him.

He’d learnt that wasn’t the case. Jem was a doctor, he couldn’t read minds, and although he was there for Alastair when he needed him, he was family and not his doctor, which was an important distinction. Jem gave him lots of space, and the ground rules were mainly about keeping everything clean, which was no problem. Jem also preferred it to know if someone he didn’t know was visiting, but that rarely happened since Alastair only had a few friends and the only one who hadn’t known Jem before was Kamala.

It was nice, having so much space to himself. Jem had changed a lot about the house, it didn’t look like an exact copy of the house he’d lived in when he was very young. Cordelia and his mother still lived with Risa, with him gone it fit a bit better, but they were in the process of getting the house back.

He saw Thomas regularly, and they had sleep overs once a week. Alastair had bought a new double bed for his room mainly so they could share the bed. Thomas was currently adapting to student life, but had vowed to Alastair that he would not drink any alcohol. Alastair worried that would severely limit Thomas’ social life, but secretly he was very happy Thomas would do that for him. Lucie had also decided they would all start playing DnD with her, and although Alastair still didn’t understand much of the game, they had fun. Thomas, who had been in Lucie’s previous campaign as well, had helped him with his character. Right now, the group consisted of Lucie as the story teller, or dungeon master as the game called it, and Thomas, Cordelia, Kamala, Eugenia and him as the players. Alastair played a warlock, which he felt suited him. Warlocks also got nightmares they never asked for all the time and were constantly exhausted, not to mention they made deals with otherworldly beings. Perhaps it fit a little too well.

He’d also decided to take lessons in ballroom dancing, with Kamala as his dance partner at the student dance association. He almost had something that resembled a social life, which was both very new and very weird. As it was, they both were quite good at dancing. Kamala had taken two years of dance classes too, although it had been years, and together they could figure out what they remembered and how to do it. Both had been forced by their father at the time and it was much more enjoyable now that they’d chosen to pick it up again, not to mention it was nice having a dance partner he matched well with.

Thomas was still considering starting dancing, but finding a partner who was tall enough for him would be a struggle. Alastair could follow decently and dance with Thomas, although he still noticed the height difference, but with the lack of men in dancing most teachers would rather pair Thomas with the tallest girl available.

He felt like for the first time in years, he was sort of happy? Happier than he used to be at least. He still had nightmares, flashbacks, all that, and didn’t think it was going away anytime soon. If anything, EMDR made it harder, but that was to be expected. He’d known that during EMDR he’d have to talk about everything, and although in time that would make it better, at first it just brought everything to the surface. He’d learnt not to plan anything else on days he had EMDR, except maybe cuddling with Thomas.

Although relationships were still new to him, any relationships really, he was getting more accustomed to having people around who cared about him. Not just Thomas, but Lucie and Cordelia, who had just started their last year of school and came to him for help with their math homework, Kamala and Eugenia, who he’d been spending time with at the dance studio. He often visited the Lightwoods too, and he felt welcome there. Gideon and Sophie had made a habit out of inviting him along with any family outings. He’d never felt so welcome before, it had taken some time to work through that.

‘You’re going to love my gift, I promise.’

Tomorrow was Alastair’s nineteenth birthday, and Thomas was sleeping over the night before.

‘What is it?’ Alastair asked.

‘A surprise.’

‘It was worth a try,’ Alastair said. ‘How was your visit at Matthew today?’

Alastair had spoken to Matthew once. He didn’t think the two of them would ever be good friends, but they could move past school and tolerate each other’s presence. Thomas had spent the day with him today, shopping. Matthew apparently loved clothes even more than Alastair did, and had an unusual and extravagant taste.

‘Awkward,’ Thomas said.

Alastair frowned. ‘Why was it awkward?’

‘Well, he’s the only other man I know who is interested in men and has previous, uh, experience. So I figured I’d ask what to expect and what to do. It was a very uncomfortable conversation.’

Alastair started laughing. ‘You could have just asked me.’

‘I know, but I thought it would be nicer for you if I had some idea of what I’m supposed to be doing,’ Thomas said.

Alastair put his hand in Thomas’ hair. ‘That’s sweet.’

‘From now on I’ll be asking you my questions,’ Thomas said. ‘Of course, the internet has also been helpful.’

‘As long as you know where to get your information,’ Alastair said. ‘Porn isn’t real and not a good source. But I don’t mind if there’s things you don’t know yet, because I know enough.’

They had sex for the first time that night. Alastair felt it was the right time. Of course, having sex the night before his birthday wasn’t new to him. The previous years he’d spend with Charles ever since he’d turned sixteen. It was far better with Thomas. Not because of experience or anything like that, but because Alastair felt comfortable, because he was absolutely sure he wanted it and felt like he could ask Thomas to stop if he wasn’t comfortable anymore. Thomas was a little clumsy, but Alastair didn’t mind. He would get better at it with some practice.

The next morning, they went to the Victoria and Albert museum. It was early on a week day and neither of them had classes today. Thomas had been surprised at first by how empty his schedule was but had ultimately discovered much of his free time was spent on assignments and preparing for lectures and classes. Fortunately, it did mean they could easily plan such trips on times it wouldn’t be crowded. Alastair still didn’t like crowds and didn’t think he ever would. Thomas had grown over his fear of them, but he also preferred the quiet. It was much nicer this way, taking his time to let a piece of art wash over him, undisturbed by other visitors. Thomas made the occasional comment. He’d taken art history in school and could name the different styles and put works in the context of the time period. Alastair didn’t say much in response, just nodded. He felt he didn’t have to.

Thomas had promised him his gift after coming back from the museum, and Alastair was starting to get curious. Thomas had hidden the gift somewhere in Jem’s house, so Alastair wouldn’t even be able to guess from the shape. He hadn’t bothered to look for it, but had been tempted. As much as he liked the small smile on Thomas’ lips as he said ‘not yet, mi Cielo,’ Alastair was not fond of surprises. He liked to know what to expect with a three to five workdays advance notice for anything out of the usual.

‘You’d think no one has ever given you a birthday gift before,’ Thomas said. He paused. ‘Wait, is that it? Did you not usually receive gifts?’

‘No, I did, from my mother and sometimes Cordelia.’

Charles too, Charles had had a habit of giving him expensive gifts. Or gifts he’d found among his mother’s things, he guessed. Alastair had not seen him again now that he was back in London, for which he was grateful. Gideon had spoken with Charles and told him he knew what he’d done and wasn’t welcome at his house anymore. Apparently Charles had been very angry about that, but Gideon had told Alastair he was welcome anytime and it was his responsibility to guarantee his safety. Alastair appreciated that.

‘Have you been asking them about it all this time too?’ Thomas asked.

‘No just you. But you made a big deal out of it by hiding it someplace here,’ Alastair said.

‘Alright, I guess you can open it,’ Thomas said, who left and came back to the living room carrying a very big box.

Alastair carefully opened the wrapping paper, making sure nothing tore. He wasn’t sure why exactly, but he’d always opened gifts this way, as if he intended to reuse the paper, something he’d never done.

‘I thought, with how impatient you were, you’d rip it all apart,’ Thomas said.

‘No,’ Alastair said.

‘You can rip it, it’s no problem,’ Thomas said as Alastair was struggling to get a piece of sticky tape off without damaging anything.

‘No,’ Alastair said, even more determined to get everything off properly.

Once he’d gotten it open and folded away the colorful wrapping paper, Alastair revealed something that resembled a hamster cage, but bigger. There were two floors, the top open and the bottom offering a little more darkness with a little home in there an animal could hide in. There was a wheel, several balls, and a little hedgehog plushie.

‘I know you were planning to get a pet hedgehog, so I researched what it needs. This has most things it needs to live in, you just might need to add a heat lamp because hedgehogs need a warm environment.’

‘I’d been looking into what I’d need too,’ Alastair said. ‘Jem is alright with me getting a hedgehog as long as I make sure to keep Church away from him. That shouldn’t be a problem, as I would put the hedgehog in my bedroom and Church doesn’t go there.’

‘How is Church?’ Thomas asked.

‘Usually, he is wherever I’m not. He doesn’t come into my bedroom. In the living room it can be a bit more of a struggle, as he likes to claim his space, and no matter where I sit, he gets upset because that’s the spot he wanted for himself. The only moment he tolerates me is when I’m accompanying Jem on the piano.’

Alastair had picked up playing music again after years and he tried to practice for half an hour daily. Sometimes with Thomas, singing his songs and playing more modern music. But he also played classical music with Jem, who was exceptional at the violin. Jem could probably have been a concert violinist if he hadn’t chosen to become a doctor instead.

‘Sounds like Church,’ Thomas said. ‘He won’t be a danger to your hedgehog, will he?’

‘I will keep my hedgehog in my bedroom,’ Alastair said. ‘If I make sure to keep the door closed when I’m not there, I think it’s unlikely Church will even go there. Even then there’s a cover for this hedgehog home and a little house for him to hide, and of course a hedgehog can roll into a little ball of quills. I think it’ll be fine. And my therapist thought it might be good for me to get a pet, as long as I am confident I can care for it of course. Now, can you help me think of a name? I’m not great with names.’

‘You and Cordelia have been arguing about baby names for weeks now,’ Thomas pointed out.

‘Yes, the baby should have a beautiful Persian name,’ Alastair said. ‘For pets it’s different.’

‘Or dnd characters,’ Thomas added.

‘So what if my character has my middle name?’

‘No, I like it,’ Thomas said. ‘Esfandiyar. It’s a beautiful name. For a pet I think a shorter name is better. I think your plushie hedgehog is called Mr. Prickly?’

‘I named him when I was a child,’ Alastair said. ‘I’m not naming my pet something stupid.’

‘No little pipsqueak?’ Thomas said with a grin.

Alastair rolled his eyes. ‘Absolutely not.’

***

‘You mean to say you forgot to buy Alastair a gift for his birthday?’ Lucie asked.

‘I didn’t forget,’ Cordelia said. ‘I planned to do it today, after school. How was I supposed to know I was going to get detention?’

They entered the bookstore, certain she could find something Alastair would like here.

‘Sorry I couldn’t get you out,’ Lucie said. ‘Even my dad can’t do that, but he knows it was completely unfair.’

Cordelia shrugged. ‘I finished my homework. But I’m still pissed.’

She knew teachers tended to be harsher on her, Alastair had always had the same problem, and she usually made a point to behave but she also wasn’t going to let people just walk over her girlfriend. So what if she’d gotten into a fight with a bully? He’d started it, but that’s not how the teacher who’d broken them apart saw it.

‘Alastair will understand,’ Cordelia added. ‘He was often sent to detention unfairly too. Now, which of these books do you think he’ll like?’

‘Both seem pretty good,’ Lucie said. ‘What are they about?’

‘This one’s called Malice, and is a Sleeping Beauty retelling focused on Alyce, the dark grace with powers similar to the original evil witch who cursed the princesses, and she might be the villain but she might also fall in love with Aurora. I haven’t read it, but it sounds awesome. The other is Girl, Serpent, Thorn.’

‘Oh, didn’t I lend you that one last year?’

‘Yes,’ Cordelia said. ‘It was awesome and the cover is so beautiful I wanted my own copy. I think Alastair will like it too, the world is inspired by Persian culture and the Shahnameh, which he loves, and the story is very good too.’

Girl, Serpent, Thorn was probably one of her favorite books, and Cordelia ultimately decided to buy it for herself while buying Malice for Alastair. He could always borrow the other book from her, she just wanted to reread it several times and have the gorgeous cover on display.

‘I doubt Alastair minds we’re late,’ Cordelia said. ‘He’s been spending the day with Thomas.’

Cordelia sometimes envied the amount of free time Alastair had compared to her. She hoped it would be the same once she went to university. Of course, Alastair had his memory, he only had to read everything once and he would remember forever. He could save so much time that way.

It still struck her as odd how they didn’t understand Alastair’s memory. Lucie was the way she was because her grandfather was the thief of souls. Same for Tessa, who’d gotten some of her power back after his death. Thomas had the sight because his mother did, and Kamala had healing powers because a fairy had given them to her. But no one knew why Alastair was the way he was. Cordelia knew it still frustrated him, not understanding.

‘I can’t wait until I can go to university,’ Lucie said. ‘I am so done with physics.’

‘Why did you take physics?’ Cordelia asked.

‘No clue,’ Lucie said. ‘I’ll survive another year. Then it’s English literature and creative writing.’

Cordelia wished she knew what she was going to study. Half her biology class was already working on their med school applications, but Cordelia had no clue yet. At least she couldn’t really picture herself as a doctor. Part of her still wanted to be a hero, but what if like Jem she decided to retire early? Being a hero didn’t exactly pay, and it was good to have some education. She just didn’t know what. She knew, of course, it was fine to choose wrong at first. Alastair had realized being a politician wasn’t for him, and was again starting in his first year.

‘At least Alastair promised to help me with my math homework,’ Cordelia said.

Cordelia and Lucie took the metro and arrived at Jem’s house. She’d been here frequently since the summer, and it already felt like Alastair’s house. She’d considered moving in herself too, but felt like she was still too young to move away from her mother and would rather stay for now.

Alastair and Thomas were in the living room, where an animal home was standing on the table next to a bit of neatly folded wrapping paper, not a tear in sight. Alastair had always been a little obsessive in the way he opened gifts. The wrapping paper would be thrown away, yet he always opened it with such a care and he never ripped anything.

‘Happy birthday,’ she said, hugging her brother.

He’d grown more comfortable with physical affection lately, and for Cordelia it felt like it had become easier to reach him. She’d had to get used to not living in the same house as him at first, but Alastair seemed happier here.

‘Thank you,’ Alastair said. ‘I’m officially on the waiting list for a pet hedgehog. It might take some time, but I have some of the supplies I need now. I am open to name suggestions as I have not thought of anything yet.’

‘Pipsqueak!’ Lucie called out.

‘Oddly, you’re not the first person to suggest that,’ Alastair said. ‘No, I am not naming my pet Pipsqueak.’

‘That’s because I already call Alastair that,’ Thomas said.

Alastair rolled his eyes. ‘My hedgehog will have a serious name, not something a toddler would have chosen.’

They didn’t settle on a name yet that evening. Lucie kept suggesting the kind of names Alastair meant to avoid as a joke, and Eugenia did the same when she and Kamala arrived. Kamala had a few good suggestions, and Alastair decided to look into Persian pet names.

Cordelia started feeling like things would be alright again, like things would be normal. Of course, she could never be sure. Tatiana had not turned up again, Gideon had reported her missing and so far the police had no leads. Cordelia didn’t think they’d find her, and she wondered if Tatiana would come back. There was no chance she could bring back her son, not anymore, but Cordelia feared she might want revenge. Right now, she tried not to worry. She would be prepared, yes, but she would also continue to live her life, go to school, worry about things normal girls her age should be worried about. Alastair seemed to be doing a little better as well, although she knew his EMDR days were hard. He was playing music again, and Cordelia loved to listen to him play the piano while she was here.

‘Do you want to play something?’ Cordelia asked at some point, gesturing to the piano.

‘Of course,’ Alastair said. ‘Thomas, I need your help.’

‘I didn’t bring my guitar,’ Thomas said nervously.

‘I don’t need you to play, I need you to turn the page of the sheet music. One of these days I’m going to make a copy and tape this piece together, but it’s 5 pages long.’

Cordelia would always be impressed at how fast Alastair could move his fingers over the keys. He’d tried to teach her when she was younger and she could play some simple melodies with her right hand only, but she’d never gotten the hang of playing with two hands.

‘I recognize this,’ Lucie said when Alastair was finished. ‘I think it’s in Pride and Prejudice. The one with Colin Firth.’

‘That’s possible, it’s well known. The Turkish March by Mozart,’ Alastair said. ‘I’ve been practicing this for the past week.’

‘It’s lovely,’ Cordelia said. ‘I missed hearing you play.’

‘And now you only get to listen when you’re here,’ Alastair said apologetically.

‘I’m here several days a week anyway,’ Cordelia said. ‘I’m glad you’re playing again.’

‘I forgot how much I loved it,’ Alastair said. ‘But I’m happy too. Even Church likes it when I play.’

Cordelia noticed the cat was sitting up from his spot on the couch, listening intently as Alastair started playing something else. Church might hate everyone and everything, but he loved Jem and he loved music.

Thomas continued to do his job as page turner and Cordelia could see the adoration in his eyes as he watched Alastair play. She was glad they’d been able to work it out and were still together, Alastair deserved that.

When Alastair was finished, Lucie decided to present her gift, which was a story she’d written herself in an insanely short time. Cordelia had read it and helped her edit, but the premise was that it was Frozen but with Alastair and Cordelia as the main characters.

‘I’m going to read it as soon as I have the time,’ Alastair promised. ‘This sounds brilliant.’

#Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Cordelia Carstairs #Lucie Herondale #Thomastair #Lucelia #the last hours #tlh #fanfiction #epilogue

24 notes · View notes

nafeary · 4 years

Text

Napoleon, Theo, Dazai, and Jean reacting to College Student!MC Stressed by Deadlines

Requested by @hqissodelicate:

hey toni boo, sara/delicateikemenmemes here ❤ i've been Going Through It with school 😔 so i was thinking of how my boos napoleon, theo, dazai & jean would react to MC who's a (stressed, exhausted) student who got yeeted to the mansion in the midst of a bunch of deadlines? thank you boo & i hope you're drinking your water 💙😤

✧✎ A/N: I’m sorry it took me this long to finish... but this was super fun to write and it helped me get back into writing after such a long break due to school bs. I’m not too satisfied with Dazai’a and the haphazard scenario/headcanons mush, but I still quite like this I think. Thank you for the request dear! Take care and drink water, everyone!

Warnings: Stress and mild mentions of anxiety, and like one mention of sexual intercourse

Napoleon Bonaparte

“You’re just a chore, after all.”

You whirled around. “Don’t act like your job is going to be that hard,” you could only scoff in annoyance, “I’m going to be inside my room all day, anyway.”

At first, Napoleon was slightly confused by your statement. Wouldn’t you want to explore this new world at all? But according to code, he’d just smirk and go (sleep) do smth

And true to your statement, you did stay inside your room for the most part

It’s not like your quadrillion essays would write themselves

It’s not like your college would just excuse your tardiness

It’s not like—

“Nunuche, you sure you don’t need a break from... whatever you’re doing?”

Napoleon was quite suddenly standing besides you, trying to read the mess that you’ve created.

“And who gave you permission to enter?”

“Me, obviously. I did have the impression that you were in danger, judging from the amount of curses I perceived.”

You could have died from embarrassment. Of course he had to hear your yells of frustration, stemming from the fact that your laptop was out of order, that you had no idea how to use ink properly, and—

“Have you realised that you regularly zone out?”

“I suppose? But if you wouldn’t mind, I really need to finish...” you trailed off, gesturing to the papers in front of you.

However, at his inquisitive gaze, you decided to explain that these were essays that could very well decide how you’d pass university, and, upon further inquiry, elaborated how a modern student’s life looked like

He never interrupted you unnecessarily, only to ask questions when a concept was too modern for him to comprehend

Your cursed assignments certainly made your life in the past harder to enjoy, but it also brought you and the emperor closer than ever

Unable to access the internet—or visit the college library—you had no proper sources for you references (considering that Comte’s library had no modern content, naturally)

You also didn’t want to bother Sebastian, especially since him and Comte had shown so much understanding for your peril that they practically forbid you from helping him out around the mansion

Their reasoning didn’t make you feel less bad though

Hence, you only had one option left that could complete your last essay

Which oh-so conveniently encompasses the Napoleonic Wars, something you truly did not want to burden him with

“Napoleon? Remember those essays that I have to finish for my university courses?”

“Of course.”

You were twiddling your thumbs, contemplating whether your grades are worth revisiting unpleasant memories, aka the taboo of the mansion

Abruptly, he grabbed your cheeks with just enough force to turn you away from looking at your feet, but not enough to inflict pain. “If there is anything I can help you with, I’d never shy away from it.”

Begrudgingly, you inquired him about his reign with as little focus on the gruesome details as possible your professor be damned

And holy shit, he’s amazing at writing? And Not just cringey love letters? Panty Sniffer Napoleon brrrrr

As you grew closer, he’s spoil you with vitamin-rich snacks (going as far as asking Arthur and Sebastian for medical advice)

He enjoys carving cute shapes out of fruits and eggs because he knows that their and his adorable presence will prompt the perfect amount of distraction to allow a small moment of rest

Says that it’s his duty as your guard and boyfriend to take care of your overworking habits

Expect frequent complaints from your beau, ranging from “how could they assign so many essays? Aren’t students just humans, too?” to “‘Reasons Why Edison Is Better Than Newton’? Do they even know what they’re talking about? Tch!”

Theodorus Van Gogh

You gleefully indulged in his charades for the first few days. They were a welcome distraction from your college work, after all

But the procrastination was accompanied by guilt, your anxiety building up every second you spent helping Sebastian with the chores, and gallivanting around town with Theo

A week passed before your sense of responsibility finally kicked in. So when Sebas came to wake you up just as the sun peaked past the horizon, you were already scribbling away on some sheets you’d found in your drawers

“Ah, good morning, Sebastian-san.”

“Good morning... what are you writing, if I may ask?”

“Just some essays for my college courses...” you said, glancing dejectedly at your notes.

Now that you didn’t have access to the internet, and your laptop’s battery was all used up, it made your work all the more tedious, but you had to set your teeth and do this.

“Give me 10 minutes, and I’ll join you in the kitchen.”

He had wanted to argue, but you didn’t let him. And when he saw you leaving the house with Theo later in the afternoon, he could only shake his head.

You felt like you owed the art dealer, especially since you blurted out his secret the literal next moment, so you committed to helping him while also keeping up with your work

Although, him calling you dog wasn’t nice either—even though, according to Sebas’ explanation, Hondje wasn’t exactly the equivalent to mutt

That cycle continued for days. Helping out around the mansion, getting pulled around by Theo, and writing your essays deep into the night

Not to mention all the worries that pressured your shoulders further and further into the ground

You were missing so many group project deadlines, disappointing people that relied on you... it was safe to say that sleep did not come easy, if barely

Just before you arrived at your room after a late night art exhibit did your body decide to fail you, tripping over nothing multiple times.

It prompted Theo to call you out before you could even think of rushing past the door, steadying you with a hand more gentle than you had ever experienced it to be.

“Sebas informed me that you’ve been working yourself to death.”

You silently cursed the butler. “I haven’t—“

“Give me your laptop.”

Perplexion ran across your mien, wondering how he could possibly have remembered such a modern detail from your countless rambles. “It’s batt— it doesn’t work right now, so it’s not like it would stop me from working.”

Arguing with the devil was a mistake.

He snaked his arms around you, holding the door handle in place with one hand while the other still kept you upright. “I don’t care whether you work or not, I’m not your mother. And regardless of its abilities, hand it over, knabbletje.”

What other choice did you have but to comply?

He ordered—yes, ordered—you to go to bed right that instant

If you hesistanly ask him to do the same (we all know what a hard worker he is), he’ll just press a guileless kiss to your forehand, telling you not to worry about him

The next morning, you were already worrying for your baby’s safety within the sadist’s hands when the devil invited himself into your room

“Ever heard of knocking?”

“Morning to you, too, Hondje.” He sent you an overly handsome smirk, handing you the laptop tucked underneath his arms. “You won’t be able to use that spider web Sebas told me about, but writing should work.”

You stared at Theo in disbelief, all the while internally laughing at him misinterpreting the World Wide Web. Deciding to trust in him, you clicked the power button. And sure enough, it sprang to life. “What... how in the world did you...”

Leo overheard you and Sebas talking about solar energy sometime… hush, just run with it

He fell into the seat next to you, propping his chin upon his fist. “I didn’t do anything. Just asked Sebas whether there was a way for you to use this. Leonardo took notice and tinkered around with it. Don’t ask—ah!”

You threw your arms around his shoulders, pressing your face into the crook of his neck. “Thank you for taking care of me, Theo.”

Would you have lifted your face, then you’d have caught a glimpse of the vermillion shading his cheeks. “I didn’t do it to help you. I simply can’t risk having you become a liability at work. That’s all.”

Anyway, tsundere tendencies aside, you know what another big factor of dating Theo is?

King if you’re not allergic, understandably, if so, he’ll change his clothes before even thinking of visiting you

On days that you decide to be especially stubborn, he pulls you outside, all the whilst whistling for the jolly golden retriever

And as soon as he comes running, your mind goes brrrrr cute dog

Although, he’ll try his best not to distract you from work. He knows from personal experience that it’s a much bigger annoyance than help

Thus, he’ll certainly use his connections and amiable rip Shakes relationships with the residents to help you out with the research process

Also, with his superior memory, he knows what generally makes you happy and relaxed, so he’ll be his usual observant self to decipher just what would help you perfectly relax/finish your work

Hardworking boi, please love him

Dazai Osamu

Dazai is the type of person that doesn’t mind upsetting people and risking someone’s disdain if it supports that person in the long run

And he’s able to read people like books, so it shouldn’t be surprising that he knows you’re overwhelmed before you even realize it

You’ve been going to sleep too late and waking up too early? He’ll gently force you (if you’re 100% against it, he won’t do it ofc) to sleep beside him, making sure that you won’t rise with the sun for once

You’ve been exposing your wrist to heavy sprain? He’ll teach you some handy-dandy 5 Min Crafts techniques that are guaranteed to send your hands on a vacation

You've been suffering from writer’s block? Time to go on a lovely stroll through nature with your boo

Your shoulders and neck are hurting beyond sanity? He swears by hot springs, so the thermae is his go-to for when you need to relive some muscle kinks

He never fails to procure the perfect amount of bubbles and temperature. And depending on how comfortable you are with it, he’ll offer to wash your hair.

And since dude got Disney princess hands, you most probably fall asleep, but our man is there to hold you above the water

His bare thighs are an added bonus, sending your mind into spirals faaaar away from college work

After you’re done bathing, he’ll ask you whether you’d like him to braid your hair (if it’s long enough), and his Disney princess hands will not disappoint

In the beginning, it was incredibly vexing to have a security cam in the form of a handsome man always on the qui vive

But at some point, you started embracing Dazai’s overwhelmingly passive—you knew exactly what he was doing whenever he’d do something random—protectiveness

Especially since it didn’t only help you complete your work; on the contrary, you were always excited to spend time with the Japanese writer

But that didn’t curb your confusion at the whole debacle. Why was he this focused on your well-being?

So, you decided to confront him

“Dazai?” Once again, you were relaxing in his arms, his fingers threading through your hair lulling you into a dreamlike state.

He ticked his head to the side, pulling your entwined hands closer towards his heart. The sun streamed into the run at just the right angle, yet the golden light was not as bright as his vivid citrine orbs.

You sighed, unable to look at his stupid handsome face for too long. ”Why is it that you insist on taking care of me?”

“Someone has to, Toshiko-san.”

You’d have blurted out your feelings if it wasn’t for the sudden embrace you found yourself in. As guileless as it appeared, you knew he was trying to stop you from acting on your thoughts.

Deciding that you didn’t want to pressure him further (after all, you knew that he had a hellish first life), you accepted the unclarity of his feelings—even though his actions spoke loud enough for you to understand.

It was that day that you decided to repay him for all he’s done for you

And you wouldn’t let him yeet himself through a window in an attempt to evade the love sent his way this time

Even if it took decades, you wanted him to feel just as safe and loved as you did in his company

You were glad to have such a caring man by your side who helps you with managing you self care

You could only hope that he’d allow himself to be treated the same way

Please just take our love, boo. We love you

Jean d’Arc

Well fuck, how could he possibly help someone who’s stressed when he himself is a 24/7 McDonalds that only sells Chicken McStress?

Anywho, I feel like he’d be the complete opposite of Dazai when confronted with a stressed MC

He’d care just as much, of course, but he thinks that it would be better to give her space, since he himself understands the desire for solitude well

So yeah, I can see him not going out of his way to check up on you if you weren’t super duper close friends/lovers IF it wasn’t for his friend Napoleon

After all, it was him who gave your boyfriend a lil talk, convincing him that, perhaps even if someone needs space, they probably still need someone to look after them

Living with Jean is basically Ted Talks everyday

Anyway, he embarked on his journey to hopefully help you and and to relieve some stress that was wearing you down (according to the statement of several residents)

And, finding himself halting abruptly, our pessimistic little bean realised that he’s got zero idea what did help you attain bliss

So he opted for the next best option—things he knew that made his friends relax

Plan A

Hearing a few oddly reluctant raps on your door, you went to open it. As soon as you did, the beautiful man who’d captured your heart entered your vision, your eyes finding his amethyst ones immediately.

You two stayed like that for a moments, only breaking eye contact when he sighed and simultaneously thrusted a mug into your hand, already in the process striding back to his own room.

“Uhm… Jean? I’m a bit busy right now, but would you like to come in?”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Don’t you find it inappropriate for a man to enter your room, mademoiselle?”

“Jean,” you giggled at his archaic mindset, gently rubbing your thumb between his brows to even out the crease. “We’ve had sex before, you know. Of course you ca—“

Wrong thing to say. He stormed past you, vermillion cheeks practically leaving a trail.

Chuckling to yourself, you turned to the mug’s contents. “Hm? Hot chocolate?”

Plan B:

“If this doesn’t harbor your discomfort…” Your boyfriend reluctantly stood in your room’s corner, standing straighter than a rod.

Frankly, your essays have kept you entirely too busy, and you longed for the warmth of the French man’s feather-like embrace.

“On the contrary, I enjoy your presence.” And you went right back to scribbling away.

Jean frowned. “Haven’t you been writing stories since this morning?”

“They’re not stories… and, yeah? I believe so.”

Stepping towards your seated form, he extended his hand; you grabbed it without thinking twice. “Is everything alrig—whoa!”

With the ease of a seasoned soldier, he picked you up before haphazardly tugging you into bed with bewilderment maring your features. “You should sleep.”

“—what?”

He stared at you blankly, as if expecting you to fall into the land of dreams right that instant.

“Did something prompt,” you slipped your arms out from underneath the duvets, gesturing wildly, “this?”

It was hard to be upset with Jean, his clueless but genuine persona the reason why you fell for him, yet you couldn’t disguise the irritation coursing through your veins—you had work to return to, after all.

“I think you need to rest, mademoiselle.”

Your blinking made him avert his eyes, explaining quietly, “I am uncertain what supports your release of tension, so I thought that perhaps sleeping could help since it certainly does show affect with Napoleon.”

“Ah, and you made me hot chocolate since that’s what calms Mozart.”

After internally simping for his soft and wholesome dumbass energy, you pulled him to bed beside you, claiming that it would help you relax (but only after telling him that it was okay for him to ask for your preferences)

And falling asleep to the heartbeat underneath his broad chest is definitely a 5-star-resort vacation

He’d eventually ask his relationship advisor Napoleon whether it is okay to have you help them out with his reading/writing lessons (you

You, alongside Napoleon, steadily agreed, despite knowing that it was a ploy to keep you away from overworking

Please also love this boy, thanks

Tag List of the most wonderful sweethearts (just message me if you’d like to be added <3): @juminly @kisara-16 @sweetlittlemouse @thesirenwashere @nad-zeta @delicateikemenmemes

225 notes · View notes

korissideblog · 3 years

Text

working on a longer fic rn and felt like i needed to post something <3

today we've got Aito, Lupe, Sato Sensei (@dantelionwishes ) and a mentioned Ikuto (@the-heartbeat-hero ) <3

[no warnings from this fic! just gets a little sad at the end, but it's still a happy ending!]

[also no art for this one, still working on my art for compound's fic <3 next fic may have a couple sketches though!]

Click-tak

It was easy to tell when Lupe and Aito were walking towards the classroom, between the mother’s white cane and the heels of Aito’s boots, the two could be heard from down the hall. Aito perked up immediately when she saw Sato Sensei, but stayed obediently at his mother’s side instead of her usual aimless wandering around the classroom.

“Sato San, I’m happy we could meet,” Guadeloupe said, smiling as her eyes focused vaguely on the area of Sato’s desk. She was led by her daughter to a chair that Sato had set up for parent teacher conferences.

“This is Sato Sensei,” Aito said, focusing on her mother. “He’s a tallish man with brown hair and-” Aito started to describe Sato, but was stopped by his mother

“I’ve read up on him angel, you go wait for me in the hallway, yes?” Lupe asked, kissing her cheek and watching as Aito sprung from her side, quickly skipping out of the classroom. “Sorry about that, he’s just a bit wound up right now.” Lupe said, chuckling with a bit of exhaustion.

“Oh, don’t worry, I know how he can be.” Sato said, politely, but with the same tinge of general tiredness. “She’s a good kid, just a bit too much energy from time to time. Speaking of, I have her grades right here.” he continued, flipping through a file with a few other report cards till he found one for Takao, Aito. “He’s doing well, low Bs and high Cs. I started pairing him with my more advanced students, and she seems to match their pace well. She just needs the motivation to work.” Sato explained in the vague way that teachers were supposed to when they had no idea what to do with a student.

“Ah, yes,” Lupe said, immediately recognizing the tone. “She’s very good at keeping up when faced with a competitor. Aito used to come to work with me, and I would see her learn something from one of my students and replicate it almost perfectly. I’m sure he’s got the smarts, he just needs a reason to show it off.” Lupe offered, tapping her finger on the desk, as if she wanted to say something, but was a bit nervous to bring it up. “Uh, I’m sure you’re not in charge of this, Sato San, but… Aito’s medication…?”

“Yes, Takao san, I’ve seen your note. Aito’s been taking it regularly.” Sato said, reassuringly.

“And you’ve been-”

“Wrapping it in little pieces of cheese, yes.”

“And when he-”

“Gets bored of cheese, switch to ham. Yes, I keep a careful eye on Aito.” Sato chuckled, looking out the classroom’s windows to Aito waiting patiently in the hallway. Guadeloupe’s visits always seemed to calm the boy down in ways Sato’s never seen. If he had asked Aito to wait in the hallway, she’d have wandered to the other side of the school before Sato could get to her, but by just a simple request from his mother, he seemed to have grown almost docile, staring at his feet as he waited. Aito perked up a bit, looking down the hallway and smiling, waving to someone walking up to her.

“Ah, Ikuto Maekawa. He’s a quiet boy from 1-Y, the classroom next to ours.” Sato said, gesturing to the student who had approached Aito.

“Yes, I’ve met him before. I’m glad Aito has good friends, I was worried that he would fall into some sort of delinquent gang or…” Lupe trailed off, watching her son carefully as he spoke to Maekawa.

“She’s going to steal from him.” she said quietly.

“How can you tell?” Sato assumed the same thing, but that was just because of her track record. If Guadeloupe had some sort of knowledge he didn’t, he definitely wanted to know.

“Look at her ear.” she said, pointing to Aito. “Her left one. It has a small tick. It’s only about a couple degrees, and it’s fairly random-about 40 bpm- but it’s noticeable when you look for it.” she explained. Sato looked at the ear and noticed it wasn’t moving at all, and caught on to Lupe’s strategy. “She’s thinking about how she looks right now.”

“And he’s thinking about it because he’s trying to look innocent.” Sato finished, watching Aito put her arm over Ikuto’s shoulders, something she did normally, but also noticed how quickly her hands moved while she talked- again, something completely normal for her- but also something she did when she wanted her target to lose track of her hands. “I’ll call her over-”

“No no, if you tell her you caught her, she’ll feel bad.” Lupe said, reaching out and taking Aito’s report card in her hands. “You have to make it seem like you didn’t even notice. Give her something else to do, and make it more interesting or important than stealing.” she advised.

“Aito, can you come here for a second? I can’t read this very well.” she called out into the hallway, Aito perking up at the mention of her name and immediately appearing at his mother’s side. “This right here, what is it?” Aito quickly explained that it was just general information that the school needed, like her student ID and contact numbers, and read it all aloud till his mother stopped him. “Thank you, you can go back to the hallway dear.” Lupe said, patting her daughter’s head and watching him run out of the classroom again. “He won’t try again, it’s very rare that he’ll try and steal from someone after his first attempt didn’t go through.” she said, smiling fondly at her little monster of a child.

“Wow, I’ll definitely be keeping that in mind.” Sato said, watching her again and almost noticing the boy’s ear twitch. It was one of those things that you could convince yourself you imagined, but maybe it was just different when you raise a child. “Any more tips on Aito’s behavior?” he asked jokingly, to which Lupe responded quickly.

“He doesn’t like bright lights, and he sometimes needs to be moving to really remember something. He’ll be most annoying when he wants attention, and I think being alone for even one second will kill him.” she said, looking back to Sato. “and sometimes she’ll get quiet and stand around you, just quietly watching whatever you’re doing. That means her tummy hurts and he’s trying to be brave about it. Ask him to make you yerba buena- mint tea, ask for honey with it- and he’ll make some for himself as well. He’ll brighten right up.” she advised, her gaze immediately going back to Aito and Ikuto. “He acts tough, but he’s a delicate boy under it all. He needs to be held and talked to and loved on, just like all of us.” she said, a bit more vaguely as she watched Aito laugh at something Ikuto said, the latter looking confused about why it was so funny. “I know that can be easy to forget sometimes… because of all the… you know…”

Fighting

Yes, Sato knew. He could recall every time Aito was dragged into his class by the collar, and feared for the times she wasn’t. “She… She just sees everything as a challenge. And sometimes she challenges the wrong people.” Sato offered, trying to soothe Lupe as best as he could.

Lupe was quiet for a bit, just watching as her daughter roughed up her friend’s hair, her fangs sharp in her smiling mouth. “She’s just a clever little girl, and she doesn’t know how to show it without hurting people she cares about.” Lupe said quietly, a silent sort of pain in her face, one she’s been holding for a long while.

“She’s been making a lot of friends recently.” Sato said, hoping Lupe caught on to what he was really trying to say. “Even outside of the classroom, I’ve seen him talking with students and staff all over the school.” He may be lacking in empathy “she does especially good during group work, she’s a natural leader.” but she’s trying so hard. “I’ll try to give her a bit more attention during solo work, just so she can stay on track.” that has to count for something.

Guadeloupe nodded, a gentle smile on her lips. “Yes… Thank you Sato San.” she said quietly, a little bit of hope sparkled in her eyes as she finally dragged them away from Aito. “I trust you know what’s best when it comes to Aito’s education. If there are any problems, you know my number.” she finished, her own secret message hidden in her tone.

You have no idea how much he means to me.

Please keep her safe.

Lupe shook Sato’s hand, collected her things, and waved Aito over. Aito again ran to her side, Ikuto next to her as they both chattered on, leading Lupe out of the classroom. Sato still didn’t know what he was going to do with Aito Takao.

But at least he knew more than before.

#UGHHHOIESHFDIDSOIFNLMVCXIUDFHKXFVJ SSUDBHKXCZD #i feel like this ended really unsatisfyingly #whatever #it's just a warmup for my next fic #i'm actuality pretty excited for the next one #ikuto nation how we feeling #i got some content coming for y'all #anyways #aito takao #guadeloupe takao #ikuto maekawa #osamu sato #bnha oc comeback #Kori stories

21 notes · View notes

cloudyempress · 4 years

Text

Storge || K. Muzan + Upper moons

✦ Fluff, comedy, manga spoilers, child!reader, reader is Muzan's daughter.

- This was originally published in wattpad.

Storge (noun); familial love, the love of a parent towards offspring and vice versa.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

They called you Little Misfortune. Spending time with you was a nightmare worse than disagreeing with Muzan. Your seven year old self could only think of their faces as a canvas to use the paint your father regularly buys you. A few minutes babysitting you was the equivalent of being in rainbow land and hell at the same time. And if you had a single, microscopic scratch at the end of the day, they would suffer severe consequences.

Kokushibo hated how much you'd tug his hair and make fun of his eyes, along with your hideous loudness. Hantengu ran away from you when he realized how deadly adorable you could be, forcing him to become tiny so you could put him inside your dollhouse. Gyokko had to put up with you breaking his pots and making disgusting faces whenever you saw him, also having to praise your artwork even if he disliked it. Gyutaro found you incredibly annoying, but loves when you disagree with him being ugly and laughs when you prank Daki. Talking about her, she's the upper moon that hates you the most since you gained all the attention from Muzan and you generally bothered her. Akaza was the nicest out of them, so you'd crawl onto his arms whenever you were scared or feeling tired. Finally, Douma loved you, finding it funny when you blushed at how cute he was or how much you adored playing with him.

Being born a demon, which was a extremely rare case (specially being born from a human and having a lot of human features like aging), you had gained your demon blood art early. This meant more trouble for the Upper moons, you could make them lose control over their arts and breaths (in the case of Kokushibo and other demon slayers).

It was a chaos when you first used it. Hantengu's turn of babysitting you turned into you getting lost in the Dimensional Infinity Fortress, Nakime not being able to know where you were and the rooms moving and shifting randomly. Once Muzan found out, he rushed the other upper moons into an emergency meeting.

"Why are you so incompetent? First the lower moons, and now you as well? Can't you just guard a fucking child?"

Everyone was in complete silence. They knew better than to mess with Muzan when he got angry about something happening to his dear daughter.

"I'm going to say this once. Find (Name) before I disband you. Now."

Not wasting time in saying 'yes', they all left to find you. As the fort was chaos, most of them got smashed into a wall or pushed to the ground. Luckily, Kokushibo had enough instinct to avoid those, quickly finding you eating a giant jar of your favorite ice cream with lots of oreos and sprinkles. You were stuffing your face with it and humming songs, until you noticed that his towering figure was standing next to you, his accusatory six eyes piercing through your soul. You stopped everything you were doing, standing up and taking a defensive pose.

"Come, (Name). Muzan-sama is..."

Before he could continue, you took out pieces of a flute from your dress' pocket and waved them in the air high enough for him to see. Kokushibo frowned in anger and confusion, wondering how you got your hands on his brother's flute, which he usually keeps on him.

"No! I won't give in to a hairy spider like you! I used to have nightmares about you, but now I am not scared!"

"Spiders have eight eyes, (Name)."

But you didn't listen, sticking out your tongue and throwing the pieces in the air, running away the second he shifted his gaze to them instead of you.

The fort was filled with your giggles, sounding like a music only two people liked but the others had to endure it. They just didn't stop until you found Gyokko's freshly painted pots, his colors begging you to smash them into the ground. You climbed the table and shoved them to the edges, then began jumping to see if they would fall or resist the vibrations of your weight against the table. They didn't, falling into the floor and becoming tiny pieces of what they once were.

"DAMN CHILD! HOW DARE YOU DESTROY THE GREAT GYOKKO'S ART?"

"Oops!" you turned around with a cheeky grin adorning your face.

Gyokko launched at you, gritting his teeth.

"I did you a favor! Now you'll have to throw them out in the trash, were they belong"

Before his hands could reach you, a wall as fast as lightning hit him so hard he ended up in another room altogether. You shrugged and kept running around.

Meanwhile, Gyutaro and Daki walked together, both complaining about the situation. He mainly listened to her whine while she rambled on how pointless looking for you was.

"Can't somebody shut up that horrying child laughter?" she screamed at the ceiling.

Gyutaro crossed his arms, he lacked the energy to explain to her how an annoying child worked. He knew it too well from taking care of her.

"I don't get why Muzan-sama wants her when he has me." Daki spread her hand in front of her face and started counting with her fingers. "I'm gorgeous, strong, loyal... and I'm not an stupid, loud-as-fuck child!"

"Ume" Gyutaro called, as the both of them kept walking straight.

"She's a pain! She takes all of Muzan-sama's precious time away."

"Ume" he stopped walking, Daki kept her pace as she was fixated on finding things to hate you for.

"She couldn't even speak properly when we first met her. All she does is cause trouble for us, that's why nobody likes her!"

"Ume!"

She turned around to face him, a vein popping out of her forehead.

"What?!"

"At least I'm not as stupid as you, miss whore! Daddy told me you were annoying yesterday."

All her hairs perked up when she heard your voice. She turned around to find you a few meters away from her, a bit shocked from hearing you insult her that way.

"Who taught you that word?" she placed her hand above her chest, surprise evident in her expression.

"I did" Gyutaro said, a smirk appearing in his face. He waved at you ignoring his sister's terrifying anger. "Hi there, little misfortune. Everybody's looking for you"

"You're not going to stop me?"

He shrugged, going back to his usual annoyed expression.

"Not me, but my sister is"

Daki jumped at you, almost not giving you time to react properly. You spit the gum you were chewing to put it on her hair. Her eyes widened in horror as she tried to take it off, letting you off her hands.

"Fuck you, (Name)! Come back here you damn brat!"

Gyutaro helped Daki take off the gum, you running away from them. The last thing you heard as you escaped was Gyutaro offering to cut off the damaged part of her beautiful long hair.

Your legs were short and you got tired of running after a few minutes. You collapsed on the ground to take in some air.

"Oh~ Are you tired, (Name)-chan?" Douma's playful tone made your eyes shine at the realization that he was there.

You nodded, tears rolling down your cheeks. You were not only exhausted, but also feeling guilty of accidentally stepping on tiny Hantengu on your way there. It wasn't your fault he was terrified of your childishness and Muzan's rage, but you didn't notice he was in the way and stepped on him.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry for causing all of this! Is just that Hantengu didn't want to play with me and I felt lonely! I don't want to be alone! Now everyone hates me!"

"Shhh... It's ok. You're an adorable little princess, nobody hates you."

He ruffled your hair as your teary eyes stare at his rainbow colored ones. They were both beautiful and calming for you, those colors made you think pretty things when you were sad.

"You don't hate me?"

"Of course I don't!"

"Then, will you marry me when I grow up?"

He chuckled, ruffling your hair again. Your cheeks were burning from embarrassment.

"Yes, su—"

Half of his head was suddenly cut off by a hand. You frown at Akaza, who seemed very angry at seeing Douma that close to you. Douma's head regenerated fast, his charismatic smile never leaving his features.

"Why are you proposing her marriage?"

"I'm not—"

"Yes, you are. What the hell is your problem? I'm not going to let you put strange ideas into her innocent mind."

Akaza opened his arms at you so you could climb into him, letting you rest your head on his shoulder.

"Little misfortune was feeling lonely and hated, so I simply made her feel happier. Now let me hold her" Douma tried to take you to him, but Akaza's grip on you was stronger.

"You try to make her feel happier by proposing? Also, you only eat women, why would I let you near (Name)?"

"Well, she's not human!"

"Can I marry you too?" you ask above the discussion, your voice silencing the both of them. You pulled away a little bit from Akaza's hold to look at him in the eye. "When I grow up, can I marry you too?"

Akaza's concerned look grew bigger by the second. Douma had an amused expression, holding in laugher. Akaza's gaze shifted from Douma to you, not knowing what to say. His face told a different story than you had intended. You leaped away from them, tears floading down your face again.

"Then I'll be alone my entire life!"

You started escaping again, covering your face with your hands. The upper moons attempted to use their arts to get you back, but failed as yours contradicted their use.

Douma sighed, then turned towards Akaza with a smile from ear to ear.

"You're not a great liar, are you?"

After running around all day, your energy was so low that you could barely walk without dragging your feet. Loneliness was the strongest and most shocking feeling you'd gotten in the seven years you had been alive. No mother, no siblings, only a father who'd mostly be working and babysitters who hated your guts. Facing the ground, lips curved downwards, you clearly weren't expecting crashing with something. Or more accurately, someone's legs.

It was Muzan, his stern expression changing into a softer one when he saw your defeated state. He opened his arms to engulf you into a hug, so you jumped at him with the strength you had left.

"I'm sorry, I felt lonely!"

"Why is that? You always have an upper moon to take care of you" he walked towards your room as he caressed your hair.

"But they hate me!"

"They don't hate you. Kokushibo's always worried about your health and safety. Gyokko and Hantengu try to enhance your talents in art since they know how much you love it. Gyutaro likes to make you laugh, and while Daki acts as if she hates you, she sew you a stuffed animal for your birthday by herself knowing that other stores didn't buy the plush you wanted. Douma plays with you all the time, of course he loves you. And Akaza is always there to keep him from crossing the line. They don't hate you, they are your family." he tucked you in your bed, a smile reaching his lips before you closed your eyes in order to sleep.

He leaned in to place a soft kiss on your forehead.

"As I love you too."

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

708 notes · View notes

ginjithewanderer · 3 years

Text

It’s me, back again with another essay for Tetora’s birthday, except this time I want to really look into his character and what makes him the hardworking boy Ryuseitai wouldn’t be the same without. I used a lot of stories as reference, so I put together the banners from ! events/gachas he’s in in chronological story order here, mostly for my own use (though like the wiki disclaimer says, some of it can be shaky). At the time of writing, there aren’t enough !! stories to warrant a whole timeline, nor have the ones he’s in been fully translated, but I tried to mention the parts I’ve read (either translated or in-game with my limited understanding of Japanese).

Tetora is first introduced in chapter 8 of the Enstars! main story, as a first year at the very beginning of the school year. From what we see of him in those appearances, it’s easy to dismiss him as an excitable boy with too much energy for his own good. While that hotheadedness is part of his character, there’s so much more to him than that and I feel like he’s really not given enough credit from the fandom as a whole for it. Tetora is a character who’s shown a lot of depth over the course of the Ensemble Stars story and that’s what I want to show through this.

We don’t really know much about Tetora’s childhood or family based on the currently released stories, but with the little bits of information we do have, it’s possible to piece things together to get a vague idea of what his home life is like. Tetora doesn’t come from a very rich family, and we know from multiple stories that his parents go to work early and/or work long hours as a result. Combined with the facts that he’s an only child and that he regularly gets his lunches from the school cafeteria and other meals from a konbini because his parents don’t have the time to make proper bentos/meals, it’s reasonable to conclude that he spends a lot of time alone at home.

It’s probably also because of that that he looks up to Kuro and Niki so much. In Niki’s third idol story, Tetora says that watching Niki’s show made even bland food taste delicious, but also that it saved him. While he didn’t elaborate aside from saying his parents were having a tough time with work and !! hasn’t provided any more lore yet, I interpreted that as him seeing Niki as a companion of sorts, since he was alone so much. He does also call Niki “Aniki” on instinct, and says that he feels closer to him thanks to their ways of speaking being similar (they both attach “ssu” to the ends of sentences, for example). As for Kuro, it’s mentioned in Motor Show that Tetora only got into karate because he admired Kuro, and the way he acts around Kuro in the ! main story says all it needs to on that front.

… but knowing more about that part of the main story says even more. The main story takes place after the first years have gotten into the units they applied to, and Tetora had just been rejected from Akatsuki, instead having to settle for Ryuseitai. At the time, he was pretty upset about the whole ordeal, especially since he had wanted to get into Akatsuki so badly. In fact, he spent pretty much the whole time between the start of the year and Supernova frustrated by it, only coming to terms with being in Ryuseitai by the end of the latter event. Because of that, his attitude in the main story is the first time we see him doing something he has a habit of doing — trying to put up a positive front, no matter how he’s really feeling.

Instead of wallowing in the negative emotions he felt after what happened with Akatsuki, Tetora tried to make something else work out in his favor instead: the Ryuuousen. The reason he was so excited about it, and so concerned about everything going as planned (and started panicking when Kuro showed up late), is because he was almost desperate to succeed at something after his failure with the unit he had his heart set on. In the end, though, that ended up going wrong too. The student council interrupted the match before it ended, even though he didn’t want to accept defeat, and that didn’t do his confidence any favors.

Of course, his confidence in himself wasn't really that high in the first place. Tetora has been shown throughout the Ensemble Stars story as someone who’s deeply dissatisfied with himself and takes every opportunity to belittle himself, whether it’s out loud or in his thoughts. He calls himself worthless, weak, hollow, and even goes as far as to say he hates himself in Orihime and Hikoboshi. He also tends to blame himself for anything that goes wrong when he’s around. Despite how he grows and changes himself over his time at Yumenosaki, these insecurities of his seem to stay as strong as ever. Even as a second year who got to lead Ryuseitai N and is captain of the karate club, he continues to feel like he isn’t good enough.

He’s equally quick to compare himself to other people, saying how they’re better than him in different ways. He’s open about how jealous he is of some people’s looks and sometimes other traits they have. He also uses people like Kuro or Chiaki as a standard to measure himself against, saying he can’t do things the way they can because he’s still inexperienced. With his insecurities, though, comes the way he recognizes his shortcomings. He knows what his weaknesses are and what mistakes he’s made, and he’s constantly trying to improve them — even if he doesn’t feel like he’s improved enough — to reach his ideal of becoming a “man among men”.

That goal of his is reinforced throughout the story, and he’s determined to reach it one day no matter what happens. Even when things go wrong, he tells himself that he’ll get there eventually, as long as he keeps working hard at it. He does get upset at his failures for a while and is prone to pessimism when they occur (which he acknowledges), but he always picks himself up in the end. His idea of a “man among men” isn’t really solid, though, and it really just comes down to what traits he admires in others. That includes traits like strength (both physical and emotional), kindness, honesty, and level-headedness, but also skills that are typically considered feminine, like cooking and sewing.

Part of that also comes from the fact that his concept of a man among men comes from the people he looks up to: his desire to learn to cook comes from his admiration of Niki, and his respect for things like sewing from Kuro. In fact, he even got into martial arts in the first place because he looked up to Kuro. In the same way, it was after the Beasts story that he decided he didn’t have to get rid of the parts of himself he considered “girly” or weak, and instead could convert them to strengths like those he saw in Arashi. Because he sees others as so much better than himself, he tends to admire a lot of people like this, and always tries to see the best in the people he does — even if they themselves think he shouldn’t.

It’s that devoted nature of his that manifests as determination when it comes to his goals. Whether it’s a person or an aim, Tetora gives everything his all, and it’s why he’s able to bounce back when things go wrong. He's willing to take on any number of challenges to reach his goals, and early in the ! year (like in Hero Show) even told himself it'd be pathetic to give up after minor setbacks. Similarly, his determination to have something work out in his favor is why he set up the Ryuuousen in the main story, as mentioned earlier. This persevering nature and the hard work he puts into things because of it are where his Ryuseitai introduction comes from - black flames are the mark of effort.

… Which he also thinks is his only merit, as he's stated more than once. Despite his other qualms with himself, he’s aware of his hardworking spirit and considers it his biggest strength. Tetora is someone who believes that he can achieve his goals as long as he works hard towards them, and that gives rise to his desire to be seen as responsible and independent (like by showing his seniors that he can handle things on his own). He’s even expressed how he likes when Chiaki doesn’t interfere with Ryuseitai’s activities after entrusting things to him, so that he can show some responsibility instead of being babied and having things taken care of for him.

In the same way, he got pretty upset in The Four Beasts of Fistfighting when Kuro arranged the Ryuuousen without talking to him about it, and when the former said he’d pat Tetora on the head if he won against him. Tetora hates being treated like a kid, or as someone who can’t take care of themselves. This is reiterated in several stories, too, including Beasts, where he says how he doesn’t like when Arashi refers to him using -chan, since it feels like she’s treating him like a kid. This ties in with him wanting to be seen as more mature — a man among men.

Continuing on that point, it's also why he puts up a strong front, even when he's not doing so great (Motor Show is a great example, but he's been doing this since the ! main story). He doesn't like giving up on things or appearing weak, and especially not if it means he'll be seen as someone who can't do things without outside help. Even if he's tired or upset about something, he tries to keep smiling and keep up his energetic character around others so that they won't worry about him. That applies even more when he's in charge of something, since he has a strong sense of responsibility and wants to be a capable leader.

He can put too much energy into trying to be a good leader, though, which ends up exhausting him in the !! timeline (for example, his second idol story, where he says he spent hours just thinking about how to reply to a member of Ryuseitai N in a way that didn't sound too dry). Even before then, though, he was always trying to do his best for the people around him, including things like staying calm before lives where the other two first years were nervous to try and help them relax. While he may have started off a little clumsy and tended to rush into things without thinking, by the end of the ! summer, he had already become a lot more reliable.

He also just really enjoys helping people out, saying in School Fes that he always wants to help when he sees a friend in trouble. He's always quick to offer anyone assistance, even with small tasks like moving things from one place to another. This has led other characters to say that he really is hero-like, as befitting of his status as a member of Ryuseitai. It also ties in with how empathetic he is towards others. He’s protective of his friends and has said many times (like in Sweet Halloween) that he gets upset when his friends are, and often tries to help them out or cheer them up when that happens.

There’s also the reason Ryuseitai N ended up with too many members — he didn’t want anyone to feel the way he did after his rejection from Akatsuki, and ended up making the entrance test for Ryuseitai too easy as a result. Even if it did cause the unit to struggle financially, it shows how much he took what happened to heart and how he doesn’t want people to go through anything bad, even if he had to face it himself. Similarly, he tries to take other people’s feelings and situations into account at all times — such as the time he argued with Midori in Climax but tried to be understanding of the fact that Midori was only in the idol course by accident — and doesn’t want to push his own opinions or ideals onto others either.

Tetora is a really honest and straightforward person, and doesn’t think people should hide things from each other either. This shows in the advice he gave to the Aoi twins and Tomoya in Christmas Live and Sweet Halloween respectively, though he says in the former story that he didn’t think he should be lecturing them as an outsider. More than that, though, it becomes obvious when he’s putting up a cheerful front, since a lot of the time other characters end up seeing through it. In Motor Show, it fails entirely after he accidentally let out that he was stressed in front of Chiaki, and ended up having to tell him everything.

Because of that, though, he’s also very trusting of people, and doesn’t always notice when someone doesn’t have the best intentions (à la Beasts). By the !! timeline, however, he’s gotten better with that. A clear example is his consistent distrust of Mayoi, even if the latter does give him reason to be suspicious. Then, of course, there’s Rinne, who’s the first person Tetora has openly said he dislikes. By the time of Sweets Box in autumn, he’s still annoyed by Rinne’s actions in the main story and says Rinne “pisses him off.” Despite that, he does still admit that Rinne can be open-minded when it comes to some things, which further shows his own willingness to understand other people’s situations.

With all of that said, it’s clear that Tetora is someone who does his absolute best, both for himself and others. He has a lot of energy and doesn’t like sitting around for too long, but that energy always goes to good use, whether it’s training himself or helping people out. Despite his deep-rooted insecurities about himself, he’s always striving to do better. That (along with everything else) is why I love him so much, and I hope this helps you learn a little more about him (unless there’s nothing new in here for you). There’s a lot more I would’ve liked to talk about but it’s already time to post this and I wanna finish reading some !! stories before I get into my opinions on his time as Ryuseitai’s leader (though I have a lot of thoughts on that already), but I’m really glad Tetora exists and is such a well-written character.

#this is 2373 words and 2+3+7+3 adds up to 15 which is the date of his birthday #i need help #but it's okay i love him #4th time celebrating his birthday woooooo #this is. probably incoherent bc i didn't proofread it lol #but hey as long as it's here #kinda wanted to go into his relationships w ryst/his yearmates/arashi/kuro but that's something for another day #happy birthday my sunshine #you deserved to lead ryuseitai </3 #and currently... you deserve a good and proper break #tetora nagumo birthday 2021 #tetora nagumo #ensemble stars #text #an rambles

23 notes · View notes