agapi-kalyptei

[agapi-kalyptei]

Some astonishing numbers in here: -OpenAI loses $2 for every $1 it makes -OpenAI projects annual losses of $14 billion by 2026 -To break even OpenAI needs to increase revenue 25x in just 5 years -33% of VC portfolios are committed to AI -5 AI-heavy stocks account for 29% of the S&P 500's value

(source: Bubble Trouble article on prospect.org)

[agapi-kalyptei]

100% puuvill-saatan? what am i sleeping on here

[agapi-kalyptei]

my life will get a lot more difficult, but humility is good for you

I want to acknowledge my privilege without lingering on it too much by gloating nor self-flagellating. That's boring.

However, I am interested in the mechanisms in which I've grown scared and "soft" in the sense of lacking resilience, not that being a soft person overall would be bad, but I am lacking in more nuanced vocabulary now.

Another thing I'm lacking is discipline. And health. Sadly, this isn't one of those things where you take a vitamin or antidepressants and all your issues go away. I am still somewhat disabled. You're not supposed to have 90bpm heart rate standing in your kitchen. You're not supposed to have 140bpm heart rate when going to Maxima. But I can go to Maxima, sometimes, so it's not unsalvageable?

Anyway, discipline. In the past 3+ years I went on a shopping spree and very much drained my savings by treating myself to nice things, like VST plugins on sale and low-to-mid tier synthesizers, and a low-end cinema camera and a few lenses. Sure, none of them are even close to like, having a used Porsche, even all added together I could barely buy like. Maybe a new low-end car. I'm not middle class because I don't have people working for me, I don't have the means of production, I don't have generational wealth, I have generational poverty, but still a lot of guilt. I need to work to survive.

Which is the terrifying part. I'm not a freeloader in my workplace, but I know that if I have a headache and just don't achieve much on any given day, or even a week, I will still get paid the same amount.

Quitting that job doesn't just mean cutting my maximum achievable income by half (for more hours worked), it also means being sick very directly affecting my ability to pay rent, and it also means every single thing i buy will mean more hours worked.

And look. I've been poor. Like, a bag of chips being unaffordable luxury kind of poor. It's not new to me, but it's not a comfortable place to be. What's more irritating isn't just having to deny myself luxuries like games on Steam, or restaurant food, it's the uncertainty of my business (misad)ventures. Like oh, this new update for this software will make my life easier. But it's $200. Which means 5 hours of lessons given. Which means around 20 hours of preparation and teaching. Which is about a week's worth of my energy. Will this ever pay back? Will this update really be a reasonable business expense? Everything is suddenly business or survival, there's no comfortable grey zone of casual expenses. Every vitamin, every meal, every book, every monthly or yearly subscription now needs justification and. look. i am already justifying myself too much, just look at this post.

[agapi-kalyptei]

I'd figured out the day before Like that I probably won't find shelter In the arms of any other person

Though I will try Again, I'll deny The blanketing sky

The thing I just realised For probably the millionth time That walking with my knees trembling is

the true state of all things

[agapi-kalyptei]

also i was yesterday years old when i found out octopi have beaks

[agapi-kalyptei]

You know what, despite the waves of anxiety I'm having about it, becoming a teacher was on my to-do list for 10 years now, and to a smaller degree crossed my mind on and off since I was 10.

Sometimes I admire younger self, like. I literally came to Estonia with a 20'000 euro loan, of which I had idk, about 10k in cash. Just packing my bags, giving away things and coming to a country I never visited before, where I didn't know a single person. Seems insane now. (I mean yeah I did have 10k, I know that's a privilege, but I also had zero guaranteed income and 6 years to pay the 20k loan off all while paying rent, food, etc.)

I was never good with money because I wasn't good with time because I'm not good with reality. It's all just vague shapes to me and it's a miracle I got this far, you know, for being mentally held back.

But here I am, almost 13 years later, still in Estonia, still alive, loan paid off and now I'm starting my race against the clock and my bank balance, with no guarantees that anything will work out, and no safety nets I'd trust. Anyway. Time to study.

[agapi-kalyptei]

[agapi-kalyptei]

remember when PHP with default configuration just imported variables from GET and POST into the global scope of the program, as root level variables? like localhost:8080/?meaning=42 would create a variable $meaning with value 42

[agapi-kalyptei]

"zatažený starým legacy kódom" "dátovú analýzu, reportingové aplikácie, interné biznis aplikácie a prepojenia" "monobrandové e-shopy" "aj senior vývojar tu vie napredovať" "návrhové vzory" "Programuješ na sročku" "ajťákov"

see what i had to endure

I was already nauseated, but now i got a headhunting email in slovak about a PHP job and now I really want to hurl

[agapi-kalyptei]

I was already nauseated, but now i got a headhunting email in slovak about a PHP job and now I really want to hurl

[agapi-kalyptei]

ugh i'm going to whine but I'm so dizzy I feel like I literally just stepped out of a wild rollercoaster ride while being so drunk you can barely see and you're almost falling asleep on a last tram home

(I'm fully sober and tried taking 20mg adhd meds and still not helping)

[agapi-kalyptei]

well

While I'm still in the process of deciding and budgeting and planning, it looks like I might transition from being a part-time software engineer/architect/DBA/technical writer/speaker/videographer into being a flexibly full time tutor. So uh.

Please pay me money so I can teach you things? Ideally in person in Tallinn, but via video call is an option. First session is free until we're sure I can meaningfully teach you something. I can teach:

IT stuff: basics of programming, advanced/enterprise software architecture patterns, the business logic of the gaming industry, making web services, microservices, SQL, PostgreSQL administration and optimisation, JavaScript/Node.js, Docker, Kubernetes, Grafana, Kibana/ElasticSearch, basics of Rust. I also used to use PHP, Python, some basic x86 assembly, Vue 2.

Music: basics of music production, mixing and mastering, basic music theory and orchestration, composing in sheet music for live players vs doing so-called mockups purely in the computer. Synthesis and sound design. Using Nuendo/Cubase, Reason, Studio One, a bit of BitWig. I can learn and teach Reaper or Live or even FL Studio if you pay me for it. In person you can try any of my 17 or so instruments.

Other stuff: Some video production, editing and color grading in Resolve, some special effects and motion graphics in Fusion. But genuinely if you pay me enough I'll study anything enough to teach you.

(Now the terrifying part is that I'll have to ask 30-40 euro per hour since I'll need to spend 2-4 hours preparing for each session, so I'll still work full time just to pay rent and food, but that's a me problem.)

[agapi-kalyptei]

Gonna shove small round vegetables up my nose until the get into my brain

for that peas of mind

[agapi-kalyptei]

if you're an aspiring terrorist but don't like violence and are looking for an inspiration, may i suggest putting a lot of sand into the Suez Canal

[agapi-kalyptei]

game idea: personal catastrophes

instead of yet another zombie shooter or survival game with tired crafting mechanics, a game that says "ok but what if your deep dark fears and personal paranoias came true?

I'm thinking like a time management / semi procedurally generated adventure game, some jrpg elements maybe, but no real combat - maybe just metaphorical battles to fight anxieties or something like that.

some scenarios would range from mundane unpleasant things and common accidents, to things like standard conspiracy theories, eg

breakup, divorce, being cheated on

parents, relatives, friends having serious health issues, car accidents etc

cost of living crisis

abandonment and casual betrayal

your friends don't really like you

your online friends are feds

your friends are snitches

you do have some mysterious rare illness after all!

your best friend likes Musk now

your google account gets deleted

you get falsely accused and sentenced to community service and banned from going online

your previously common and accepted mental health issue is now criminalized and eugenics are back in fash-ion and now you have to mask like your life depended on it