#i have higher standards NOW

[taraxacum-vulpes]

giggles.

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

[lotus3985]

Everyday I have to keep thinking this so i won't distort before Canto VI

[realasslesbian]

I just had to share this email I got so all y'all can appreciate the absolute state of welfare services in Australia with me:

The NILs Loan Scheme is a government funded, no interest loan scheme for people on low incomes, but this leaves me wondering exactly who tf can qualify for their loans. Because it seems like if you have any symptoms of poverty it's a no.

I applied because I need the clutch replaced in my van, which I live in. It's lucky that I actually CAN afford the cost myself (due to living in a van & not participating in Australia's increasingly ridiculous housing market). I thankfully can afford such an expense these days & was just looking for a responsible financial buffer, just in case. But if this had happened to me a few years ago when I first became homeless and was far less financially stable, then my next living situation wouldn't be "affordable housing" it would be a fucking tent.

Anyway, the backwards ass state of a GOVERNMENT FUNDED welfare scheme refusing to assist those who need welfare the most because they don't want to encourage homelessness or whatever the dumb fuck? Just really rustled my jimmies tbh. Just screams "yet another govt welfare scheme that's actually just about handing out money to fake charities & not helping the poor". Good Shephard just got on the "do not donate to these grifters" list along with the Salvos😒

[vyvansecrashing]

can russia and north korea just nuke us already this is hopeless

[lesbianlenas]

so many young women recently desiring to be stay at home mothers….the ironic part of it is that all of those women that do become stay at home moms will one day understand why the women before them fought so hard for them to not have to fulfill that role at the point at which they realize that their personhood has been entirely sacrificed in the name of motherhood & there is no going back on that. all women who are stay at home moms are forced to put themselves aside to take care of their children and husband & are forced to make that their entire identity & that is exhausting and dehumanizing. that is how betty friedan started second wave feminism w the feminine mystique. bc women finally realized that all women hated being housewives & there wasn’t smth wrong w each of them individually as they had all believed. but those that do not learn history etc etc……

[butchlifeguard]

im up painting and kind of heated about the 'not like other girls' stereotype. 'ohh i pretended to like soccer and playing cod because i wanted to be different from other girls it was such obvious internalized misogyny 💀💀' yes but. girls can like those things why are we pretending like theyre inherently not things women would ever organically do

[hidefdoritos]

At lunch with friends listening to all the slender college kids compare bodies and try to lose weight, watching the overweight fortysomethings and the two seventy-year-olds ignore all of it, being the only college kid who's visibly fat, listening to the others bicker right in front of me, realizing once again that looking like me is their worst nightmare, sorrowing all at once over how much every single person in this room hates their body but I love every one of them so much.

Knowing that my weight came when my family experienced trauma, left (slightly) with self-imposed hateful restrictions, which led to self-harm and to further trauma and weight gain in 8th grade, left again when I had one good year, then skyrocketed in 11th grade when I was assaulted, then went back down with a physical labor job, then came back with the pandemic and college, then went down with an active summer, then came back when I destroyed my ankle, then continued upward with college and pneumonia and the head injury and bronchitis and processing trauma, and went back down when I was too burned out to eat, then went back up with an awful job, then plateaued, then I spent a semester healing my soul and it came with 15 pounds that I swear were worth it, then went back down with physical labor and a vow to fix my relationship with food, then came back with college. And I was back on a downward trend until getting the flu a couple weeks ago and my weight didn't change because my period started and last night I was just exhausted and out of sorts and I binged for the first time in months. Consumed like 2,000 calories of garbage in an hour.

I know I need to take a day of rest. I feel guilty that all the other kids are doing schoolwork while I'm off taking a nap. Actually I'm up here crying, but they don't need to know that.

I know that even when my weight goes down, my shoulders don't get smaller. My hips will still be broad no matter what I do. I wear women's size 12 shoes. Even if I starve 60 pounds off my body and shave my mustache and my legs and start tucking my shirts in and dressing pretty and wearing makeup and wearing push-up bras and curling my hair, they won't accept me. I'll just be a success story to them.

And I'll be another success story for other fat people to beat themselves with.

[genspiel]

pros of having read the broken earth trilogy: absolutely incredible books. they taught me so much. my standards for what makes a good book are irreversibly higher now

cons of having read the broken earth trilogy: my standards for what makes a good book are irreversibly higher now

[dreaminterlude]

today i got told by sgb that my expectations for friendship are too high/i guilt my friends to see them after pointing out that i haven’t seen some of my friends in awhile and sometimes it feels like a friendship of convenience…honestly want to kms crush all my desires until they’re specks of dust and i no longer exist materially in the world

[imacaprisun]

Ngl a lot of media would be better if they dropped the whole "misanthropy" stuff and actually acknowledged that men commit, at the very least, 90% of what tragedy said media brings up. Media that makes it out to be that the whole of humanity is at fault for stuff like war, genocide, famine, disease, rape, pedophilia, etc... rather than the men who perpetuate this stuff instead is just pure propaganda to make men feel better about themselves.

[seithr]

i passed my alc serving exam :]

[darkwood-sleddog]

“Ethical breeders have too many expectations placed on them for anybody to want to do it.” *proceeds to explain how expectations should be lowered.

How about no.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[imflyingfish]

I gotta be less hard on myself. Annoyingly i know that my best work comes from when i am hard on myself. But i keep stopping myself from doing things i want to due to perfectionism. Annoying.

[veronicathegoddess]

coming out of a longterm relationship and back into the dating world is realizing how much it's changed since you were last there and not of a single one of those changes were good. idc if i didn't notice it before or if my standards have just gotten higher but it is horrific and i'm just resigning myself to being single for the rest of my life