#i have had years of therapy
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Kani I really love your art and even though I rarely know the characters you draw (when you make fanarts, I mean), I honestly love how passionate you are about them. Do you have any tips on being more confident in making art? I feel like I stop myself from drawing, painting or writing about things I love because I'm embarrassed of being found out, even though I don't even post my art anymore (for the same reason, shame)
Hey!!! Thank you so much :3 Im a little worried about the wording of this message just like. it seems like you genuinely have like. An excruciating amount of fear regarding "being found out"? And im not sure if im picking up on it too strongly. But idk that level of shame which, BTW I CAN RELATE TO. If you feel like you can't draw or write in your own personal space for yourself, i have 2 like think if that's bc you dont have your own personal space or if you have like such severe (unwarranted but understandable) anxiety and feeling of unsafety within that space that you can't do anything?
In which case that is. TOUGH AS FUCK ill b real. Ive experienced that and ive worked on that w a professional but ik not everyone has access to that so yeagh. But. If it is that it would be. good to examine where that shame comes from and maybe if there's smth you can do w that bcs ill b real from experience that is debilitating.
Explore the experiences/mindsets that caused you to feel like it is bad/embarrassing/not ok to make art, write, etc, Because why WOULD it be bad. Why would it hurt anyone to create something for yourself. Is it a little cringe? if yes, what of it? In this bigger picture of a world where we are a miniscule dot in the timeline of eternity Does A Little Cringe matter? Why should it? If creating is something that makes you feel good, that is a positive for this world. And yk what. If you do gather the courage to post your work, and ONE person likes it? One persons day is made moderately better bc of it??? Is that not the fucking coolest????
Idk man this is a tough one. I did as a kid sometimes draw things on paper and deadass just burn them in the kitchen sink, bc it made me feel better. I got it out and it dissappearred and that was ok.
If anyone has extra tips id love 2 rb w them bc this IS a tough one.
#kanitalk#ask#anon#i have had years of therapy#AND IT DOES GET BETTER AND THERE ARE OTHER WAYS!!! 2 BE CLEAR#i just feel like i cheated myself through it the easy way#so its hard for me to give advice on this
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sometimes i randomly remember how insane maggie stiefvater was for making ronan lynch—a man that can create reality—a man of god, when he himself is a god of a man. then to take this man and have him be not only in love with, but a literal soulmate of a man named adam. parrish. adam parrish. who, mind you, lives above ronan's very own place of worship. and is the namesake of the first of mankind that the bible says god made from the literal dust of the ground (adam parrish: comes from nothing, hair "dusty" in color) and appoints him to care for the garden of eden (adam parrish: sacrifices himself to ronan's sentient forest). then has adam viewing ronan as a god and ronan saying "maybe he dreamt (created)" adam???? like who just fucking writes that and goes about their life?
#if i think about them too long i start going actually insane#maggie pay for my therapy bills please#me and my ignored religious trauma are literally have never been able to handle it#the raven cycle#pynch#ronan lynch#adam parrish#and the fact that i read the series pretty soon after i realized that pretending i believed in god was doing more harm than good and left#i was still a kid and had very bad undiagnosed ocd that made my implusive thoughts surrounding hell and eternal damnation and the end days#and it terrified me so much as a queer trans kid to realize i didnt believe but still had thoughts of that in my head and then to read this#series like a year or 2 later was brain altering for me#anyways where was i going with this#ahahahha#im having a moment#adam's last name is pretty self explanatory too like....miss girl
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my therapist: how are you feeling in the wake of your (autism spectrum disorder) diagnosis?
me: well it makes sense doesn’t it? i was the one who requested testing. like on some level i kind of figured.
my therapist: yes, i’m personally glad we pursued it because it helps me better understand parts of your behavior and how to accommodate you. but how do you feel about it? you said before that you were in heavy denial about the possibility when you were younger.
me: well yeah, i had a preconceived idea of what autism was that i know now wasn’t true. but at the time it was distressing and i didn’t want to think about it too hard.
my therapist: how was it different then? what was your idea of autism then?
me: it was, you know, severe developmental delay. i never thought i had developed abnormally at all, so to try and match up the severity i associated with autism and the way i viewed myself, i just couldn’t.
my therapist: but you did.
me: sorry?
my therapist: you did develop abnormally. both socially and academically.
me: socially yes, but i had no problems with academics. i always especially excelled at reading comprehension, more so than anyone else in my grade. i started lagging in high school but i think that was a lot of burnout and depression and ptsd, probably. i was incredibly smart. hell, i spoke in full sentences earlier than most of my peers.
my therapist: violette, that’s still abnormal development.
me: …huh?
my therapist: developing abnormally fast is still developing abnormally.
me:
me: oh.
#nothing in our sessions has ever hit me as hard as that#it was almost a year ago now and i still think about it#i’ve never had one of those ‘moments of clarity’ in therapy outside of this#but god damn did i have to sit with it for a bit#developing abnormally fast is still developing abnormally#jesus Christ ellen#actually autistic#actually asd#hashtag autism posting#autism#autistic adult#autistic feels
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and i know that you mean so well;
but i am not a vessel for your good intent!
("Tongues and Teeth," - The Crane Wives)
my serotonin got jetpack bursted into the stratosphere with this blurb by OP. Your brain is so juicy and moist and wrinkly OP. Godspeed. I'm not even into DC but the whole "Burnt out and neglected, and now a bunch of people driven by guilt guilt guilt want me back so they can feel less guilty?" just made the racoon in me rub its hands menacingly hoho
Just imagine not even living your best life; just a shadow in the lives of the illustrious Waynes, a ghost in a castle, visible only to the loyal servant and the occasional curious paparazzi who shrugs and looks away--after all, there was no mention of you in any occasion: must be the kid of in-house staff. How nice of Brucie Wayne to allow even the children of in-house staff the opportunity to study at such a high-end college! (The reporters chortle and snicker at your barely-passing marks, sighing at such a wasted opportunity. Oh well. And then they move on to the tabloid topic of the week, after the strutting socialites and the rich and the arrested Rogues.)
You gather things.
You gather pieces of a cracked dream, a single plastic teacup you had brought into the cavernous mansion the day you held Alfred's old, gnarled hand. Ears ringing and slippers still stained with your parent's blood as they were gunned down before your very eyes. You gather your things, what made you before you were "Wayne," so to say. Your mother's old cigarette box, smuggled from the crime scene, your one memento of the woman who you could not forget but never forgive.
A juxtaposition of love and hate, forever crucified. The image of the Virgin Mary inside the tin box seems to be a mockery of faith, across from her image lying cheap cigarettes.
You gather test papers, all barely passing and with more reds than blacks, and grind them up into strips with the shredder you had brought; just one time the black card Wayne had given you, and it left the bitterest, sourest aftertaste in your mouth. They burn so cozily on the school Bunsen burners, especially when sprayed with alcohol, immediately immolating like timelapse sparkler videos. You gather your name before the Incident, you cherish it, and you repeat the syllables in the dead of night, spilling past your mouth. Even if it was the name of a child-abusing monster, it was still yours, and it was still of use.
And use it, you would.
While they go and be a family, you work to begin yours.
You gather funds: it's easy to take on odd jobs when people do not suspect you. You tuck away that black card at the bottom of your study table drawers, forgotten there like scribbled-out pages of an essay, an unfinished drawing, and leftover candy wrappers. It's a bit-by-bit work, but you know the Waynes wouldn't even see it happening. Your brothers and sisters (an absurdly alien concept, as they don't even acknowledge you exist ninety-five percent of the time) are prodigies paraded around at every event. You are the unseen ghost flitting through their shadows.
Graduation comes and goes. It's laughably easy to falsify having lost your social security number and other documents--Gotham is that much of a shithole, you suppose. The man in the cowl notwithstanding. His efforts are admirable, but weak. Recidivism is common in this place, as if there were some sort of pull that incited the people in Gotham to cruelty, to madness.
It's absurdly Lovecraftian, in its own way.
You are not even living your best life, and yet you are free. Alfred knows; he always knows. If you are The Ghost, then the aged butler is a man one step between the doors of death, and he sees you every time you move. Your room is empty, and he raises an eyebrow at your satchel: all your items already stored elsewhere or given away.
("I suppose this was a long time coming, Little Master."
Tap tap tap. Footsteps on marble floors, setting sun.
You shrug. "Eh. The Waynes gave me a roof and education. It's all good."
You grunt. "Well, people change. Like you know, how kids being gifted stop being gifted when they grow older." You say, instead of 'Well, if a child doesn't get any praise or attention if they do good and probably even less if they were bad, why even bother?')
A pause. "Your academics were not so lackluster when you were younger."
You promise to try and stay in touch. (You crossed your fingers behind your back.) You leave, sunset on your face.
The nap you had in a dingy hotel with far too many odd stains and not enough locks you could put on was the soundest you've ever slept in years.
Freedom smells like summer air and the last rays of sun, followed by the cold blue hour.
It takes three months for an out-of-state college to accept you. It's far from Gotham. It has a dormitory. Excellent. While you were indeed a mediocre academic student, you had banked everything on band scholarships.
Who knew more than a hundred clarinet players had unclaimed scholarships yearly? Packing up your small life in bags, you take a train upwards to another state.
(Meanwhile, in Gotham, there is an odd sense of unease as Bruce Wayne stops by an inconspicuous door. It's relatively clean, as expected of his manor, but the worn out brass on the handle suggests that someone had lived there before. He opens the door. Steps in. A bed, a dresser, a study table. Bare bones.
The unease intensifies. But who?)
Someone had lived in here, yes.
#yandere batfam#YEAHOOOOOOO#wrote this instead of sleeping#FUCKING HELL#I HAVE WORK TOMORROW#dc x reader#yandere batfam x reader#anyways hmmmmmmm#my crack scenario here is reader moves into gravity falls and becomes honorary pines because you KNOW the pines are all about that found fa#reader becomes the new Mystery Shack employee; shenanigans ensue and they heal bit by bit with Pines Exposure Therapy#Meanwhile Bruce in Gotham is getting the most deadpan scathing commentary from Alfred he's received in years. One child he had forgotten;#a child who had become so skilled in hiding and pretending that even /he; BATMAN/ did not pick up on them. Even /Damian/ hasn't#and dude is a born and bred apex assassin which says a LOT about reader's skills. Dick is all wincey and guilty and hand-wringy#probs rooting around the room for clues and evidence of what kind of person this mystery sibling was again.
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I can't believe that in the year 2024, I spent 20 minutes of my therapy session trying to explain the Destiel confession followed by immediately getting sent to super gay Hell so I could tell my therapist that I received the news that Trump had been shot through that meme.
#imagine trying to explain this to a 50-something year old lesbian with no idea what Supernatural or Tumblr is#She thinks I'm watching the homophobia show now and she's not wrong lmao#She asked me why I like the characters and all I could say is they're very traumatized and die every season and I want them to be happy#Like what I have a whole blog where I analyze ever aspect of these men and that's all I could say I HATE MYSELF#She then asked me who the main actors were and I was like you will not know who they are unless you watched Gilmore Girls or The Boys#it was also because she asked what I had been doing these past weeks and all I've been doing is obsessing over Supernatural#dean winchester#spn#supernatural fandom#castiel#destiel#deancas#dean x cas#supernatural#therapy#destiel news meme#destiel news network#destiel news channel
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zonked out on the dog bed snoring up a storm. you come over and rub the soft spot on the top of my nose. i let out the most contented sigh
#blllllaggggh busiest doggy everyday of my life and i am exhausted#ye beware of sadposting ahead. more like just need to get thoughts out of my headposting yk. im ok just tired#friend said to me today 'youre always doing something these days jasper when do you rest?'#and i was like huh good question! i dont hahaha. damn#which is not a bad thing always. but my plate is incredibly full and i have no one to help me#im in a really good place. things are happening that ive wanted to happen for years. but i have no time to take care of me#and the ppl who are supposed to take care of me dont. and they let me down everytime i try to ask for it. which im used to#but it doesnt make it any easier. theres just not enough hours in the day and not enough energy in my little doggy body#i used to be able to push myself past the wall of exhaustion. but after my therapy program ik i just can not do that anymore#im really proud of myself. being an adult is hard. im doing everything right. but i just wish i had someone by my side to help me#anyways.#i am a very good boy#yapping#if youre reading this hi im just venting im fine. its just been a long day and i want someone to give me a head massage#jasperbarks
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[Arachnophobia TW]
I love that spiders pay rent if you leave them in peace. They're also territorial enough that once you have 2 or 3 spiders hiding out in your room it's kinda the max capacity.
#Arachnophobia tw#once a year I have to gently evict one if she's carrying an egg on her back and starts trying to build a nursery on my ceiling#but generally they behave themselves and I can't complain#I was very afraid of them as a kid so I'm still using them as exposure therapy#I will never be completely chill with them but small ones I can deal with#ever since we had a fruit fly infestation I just let them do their thing
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i do think there is something wrong with me because i am realising that my reactions to some of the things that luo binghe did because of his love for shen qingqiu seem to be relatively muted compared to others’. like don’t get me wrong, luo binghe definitely did that like he for sure went there but like at the same time i think he’s so fucking valid and maybe if people just stopped judging the kid for being the teensiest bit obsessed and took the time to understand his hangups then they’d see that too
#literally did not bat an eye when we learned he slept with sqq’s corpse for 5 years#baby boy never did anything to it but take care of it and try to bring his shizun back (and maybe use it as a security blanket)#come to find out people think he’s fucked up for that like okay so you hate traumatised people#let him live he’s just trying to make it to the next day okay#<<<this is almost entirely tongue in cheek#i am kinda making fun of myself too bc i am aware i also do not have a healthy attachment style#but also i’m not joking bc i understood binghe perfectly all of svsss i was right there with him#i should go back to therapy lol#luo binghe#svsss#bingqiu#they just don’t understand his bpd swag#some of you have clearly never had a special person before
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silly doodle for my fursona since i made her 11 years ago today :-)
#my art#YAAAAY KADEN BIRTHDAY#featuring her new design bc i keep forgetting to update her ref#ive been a furry for 11 years. isnt that something LMAO#im on fall break now!!! doing a lot of recharging bc the few days before break have been making me wanna eat my keyboard#< nothing crazy bad going on its just the work im doing being super annoying + dealing with a weird bout of imposter syndrome#BUT ANYWAY!!! happy birthday kaden. kissing his big head#i have a couple of things i wanna do for my next tattoo/its just a matter of committing but i Do want to get a cat#< I DO WANNA NOTE kaden and i have dif birthdays :-) mine was at the end of october hehe#but i do draw kaden on my birthday bc he is me but he is also Not Me . but he is. yk LOL#tattoo somewhere to honor kaden. just a standard shorthair/nothing that necessarily reads that im a furry#or the cat having her design bc it changes every now and then bahaha#AND LIKE IM VERY CERTAIN I WANT A CAT TATTOO FOR KADE LOL shes been a staple of my life for Eleven Whole Years#and shes helped me accept parts of myself. bc if i gave her the traits i had/have and i still loved her. then i could love me too#and that has drastically helped with So Much and my therapist says thats actually#a great therapy tool. forget the exact wording but the idea is there#everyone make a fursona now. ur homework is making a fursona and loving them. and then loving urself
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I always think about how minus the people close to Anne and parts of the government, the rest of the world thinks that the s3 frogvasion was a hoax or a movie stunt gone wrong. Not only have the trio been through something no one else on earth can comprehend, but if they try to talk about it to even a therapist, they're more likely to be labeled as delusional or in psychosis.
#if i remember correctly (and i could be wrong)#doesnt the marcy journal imply that marcy went to therapy?#like how#you cant really explain that#and i think it says she was in the hospital after amphibia right...?#how did they explain her injuries#even disregarding the stab wound to her chest. she would have injuries all over from the core controlling her body#as well as whatever modifications the core made to make her a suitible host#like#she went missing for over half a year and had the most brutual injuries that shouldnt even be possible#and NO explaination#how did they explain that to the doctors?#i could be wrong btw#i havent read the marcy journal all the way through in a while#but i'm pretty sure it mentioned her being in the hospital post amphibia....?#or maybe i'm thinking of the fanfic i wrote when i was 16 about that + other fanfics/fanarts i've seen#i havent slept much but this is bothering me#amphibia#amphibia spoilers
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wet on wet, attempts at some art therapy at home
#art#watercolor#abstract#i suppose!#my art#i’ve been going THROUGH it this year dear lord#and my art has taken a beating for sure#well maybe not the art itself just the feeling around it#i haven’t been able to let loose in so long#so today i decided to just do it!!!#i used my kuretake gansai tambi and a big ol brush and no palette#i just let the paint do its thing#my favorite is the first one#or the second#hm#this year has been so so much to handle and we’re not quite out of the woods yet#and on top of everything else i’ve had to heal from traumatic experiences#that i gained *at* therapy which is so painfully ironic#old ladies who don’t believe in autistic girls existing (basically) and deny my pain only because i’m young#have no place in the therapy world#she did and said a lot of other things that hurt me so deeply that it’ll take months to fully process it all :’D
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*Far in the future in Peter time in the DCU.*
JL Men: Spider-Man! Please listen to us!
Spider-Man: Counter offer, no.
JL Men: *absolutly done with his shit*
Wonder Woman: Can you please help us by doing this task Spider-Man?
Spider-Man: Yes Ma'am!
Spider-Man: *Procceds to do the task no questions asked*
JL Men: What the actual fuck!?
~Later~
Spider-Man: *Sitting in the cafeteria alone in peace*
Black Canary: *Walks in and sits directly across from him and stares right into his soul*
Spider-Man:...
Black Canary:...
Spider-Man:...Please dont tell them
Black Canary: What? The fact that you have mommy issues for Diana or the fact you have daddy issuses for half the men on the team?
Spider-Man:...*deep sigh*...my neighbor is going to give me so much shit for this
Black Canary: Your coming to therapy next week
Spider-Man: Ok...
BC & SM: ( ´・・)ノ(._.`)
#peter parker#dinah lance#diana prince#spider man#black canary#wonder woman#mcu#dcu#crossover#au#mcu x dc#wiz!au#skit#thats how he starts going to therapy lol#but in the far future#hes been there for at least a year and has found a few people lol#Dinah: how many parental figures have you had peter?#Peter: If I had a nickle for every parental figure I've had I wouldnt had had to start wrestling for money#Dinah: intresting *writes down what they are going to talk about the next session*#no sighing cause shes profesional like that
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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caytober day 2!!!! azul isnt the only student with henchmen
#twst#twisted wonderland#cater diamond#caytober#riddle rosehearts#cayrid#<- if u want. or maybe theyre besties idk it's all the same to me#cereal tries to draw#either way i Love My Boys#girl help i almost forgot i have to go to therapy today i just happened to glance at my phone while drawing this#and saw the reminder jkfdsjfkl#so i had to rush myself to just let this be done. little sketchies as i do.#anyway riddle and azul are so funny theyve got 2 guys that follow them around looming over their shoulders#you got it boss#pov riddle is lecturing u and that fuckin guy is lurking behind him staring at u like a smug cat#for funsies!!!#i think chenya would do this also. where is chenya. i miss chenya. i want to see him and cater talk to each other more#i want to see what theyd do#ANYWAY im gonna i think in fact try to draw cay with each student this year#we'll see!!!!!!!
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i feel as if im going mad so im going to just put this out here. real quick. movieunleashers starters ramble.
i cant stop thinking about how mudkip broke down in that one scene in "Typomaniac," when Chespin called him mean. for a second he lets his mask slip a little bit and to me he just... acts his age. he starts crying and calls chespin mean back. maybe im just hyperfocusing on this one detail but mudkip is about 12 years old.
and that just makes me wonder what happened in this guys life that brought him to where he is now. and it makes it all the more tragic how his whole world revolves around chespin, but he is the one bringing him the most pain. and how young he was when he died.
there is a large theme of growing up in "Rare Candy." the characters ages are emphasized in that particular episode, and one of the main conflicts is fennekin wanting to evolve faster.
the thing about characters in these stories is that they're not allowed to just be kids, to have a childhood. so many bad things happen to them. like. mudkips whole, Everything. fennekin when she was famous in typomaniac, or dealing with her own insecurities/pressure from society about her relationship w chespin. and chespin always having to shoulder his friends problems & always somehow managing to stay positive despite everything.
why cant they just. play video games. eat ice cream or something. go to the movies
at the end of the day, i think both mudkip and fennekin are characters who grew up too fast. by distancing himself from them, chespin refused to follow in their footsteps and just wanted to stay a kid.
good for him.
#starters movieunleashers#rambles#long post#mudkip starters#fennekin starters#chespin starters#NOT TO SAY THAT BEING 12 YEARS OLD ABSOLVES YOU OF ALL CRIME BUT GOOD GOD#i honestly think it was good for chespin to distance himself from them??? especially mudkip. holy cow#he seemed... happier(?) in wild oranberries but tbf its hard to say for sure#bc chespin loves doing this thing called “lying”#also. i saw the end credits sequence#not sure how to feel about it i do not have enough information to go off of#but i suppose itll make more sense... all in due time#but going back to what i said earlier i think the issues a lot more complicated#i worry about chespin that boys friendship is basically just “i can fix him!” like girl. no#THEY ALL NEED THERAPY#INCLUDING THE GANG FROM LAVENDER TOWN#*ESPECIALLY* THOSE GUYS#please. ill cry#i cant help but think this will all end in tragedy#i hope mudkip gets a good ending or at least a bittersweet one#like again. he kills people. but hes also like not even in high school and i feel bad for all of them#anyways IM SORRH GOR YHE LONG RAMBLE I RLLY LIKE THIS SERIES??? AND THIS THOUGHT WAS EATING ME ALIVE SO I RLLY WANTED TO SAY IT#hey gang. new hyperfixation#hm. i should also mention the “watching his close friend die on front of him and feeling responsible for it” to the list of chespins traumas#i domt think fennekin was a “bad friend” as much as i think she just had her owm things toing on#and its entirely chespins choice to dostance himself from her
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i (a person who has struggled with both an ed AND a crippling phobia of worms and maggots) listened to tmagp episode 25 and uhm. crazy how i was the target audience for who they were trying to scare huh
#when i say ’listened’ im actually lying because i had to skip through most of it lol#anyways if this was two years ago that would have MASSIVELY triggered me but now im just kind of shaken#yay therapy#tmagp#magpod
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