#i hate rigging sm

[johnathancactus]

simon model is done.........

[flavorfulpepsi]

Elucadansen

made by me and feel free to use literally anywher :3 no credit needed!!!!!!!;

[ssturniolo]

hii could u do a chris or matt angst? like a realllyyyy sad angst but then the fluffiest cuff ending ever?? thank uuu and i love ur work sm <33

Fixed

𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔤 - Matt x fem!reader

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶 - After Matt realizes why you’ve locked yourself away from him, he shows up at your apartment, attempting to fix things.

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰 - sad angst, hints of depression, comment on body, kissing, sorry if I missed any <3

Curled up on your couch, in the same clothes you’ve been wearing for a couple of days, you scroll through comments on the last car video the triplets filmed. The one you were in.

[matt doesn’t look at her the same anymore]

[I think Matt’s falling out of love with her]

[no offense, but matt and y/n’s relationship kinda looks one-sided]

[anyone else noticed that y/n put on a few pounds? No hate but maybe that’s why Matt isn’t into her anymore…]

Squeezing your eyes shut, you power your phone down, knowing if you don’t, you’ll continue doing this for the next few hours. It’s been like this for days, locking yourself up in your apartment, only to spend hours looking through TikTok and YouTube comments mentioning you and Matt.

You and Matt had been dating for 8 months now, and you were so afraid to lose him, you cut him off completely. Ignoring his texts and calls, pleading you to answer your phone, you felt as though you were digging yourself deeper into a hole, and couldn’t seem to climb out.

You couldn’t remember the last time you’ve eaten, nevertheless showered. Simple tasks seemed like the end of the world, and you could never seem to shut your head off. Although you’ve never been good at communicating your feelings, Matt always knew what was going on, and comforted you without pushing your boundaries. But this time, he couldn’t seem to figure it out.

Laying on his bed, mindlessly scrolling through instagram, Matt is interrupted by Chris barging through the door. Shoving his phone in Matt’s face, Chris let’s out an angry huff.

“Look at all of these comments about y/n on here man” Chris let’s out, frowning at his brother. Matt grabs Chris’s phone out of his hands, scrolling through the awful comments about you.

“There’s more on TikTok, I hope she hasn’t seen them” Chris says, running a hand through his hair. And then it clicks. Matt stands up, reaching to grab the car keys off of his bedside table. He can’t believe he missed it, ever since those videos were posted, you had been locked up in your apartment, completely blocking him off.

“Where are you going?” Chris asks, confused at Matt’s sudden urge to leave the house.

“To fix things”

Hearing a knock at your door, you stand up, dropping the blanket that’s been wrapped around you for longer than you can remember. Stumbling over, you peek your head out the door, only to find Matt staring back at you.

Hesitantly, you opened the door fully, waving Matt in. Now standing there in front of him, you felt so small, so unimportant, those comments were probably rig-. Matt grabs your hand, pulling you from your thoughts. He leads you to the couch, pulling you down next to him.

Avoiding his eyes, you play with the strings of your hoodie, afraid that if you look at him, it’s all gonna be over.

Matt surveys you. Noticing the dark circles under your eyes, the way your shoulders slump, the paleness of your skin. Tears sting behind his eyes as he cups your cheek lifting your head to meet his gaze.

Leaning into his touch, you let out a shaky breath. “You don’t love me anymore, do you” you whisper, watching as his eyes brim with tears.

“Of course I still love you, nothings ever going to change that” he says, tears now trickling down his face.

“B-but the comments, the edits, the everythi-” your cut off by him smashing his lips into yours, pulling you as close as possible, quickly filling the gap in between you two. Tilting your head to deepen the kiss, you let out all of your pent up emotions without needing to speak.

Pulling away to catch his breath, Matt presses his forehead to yours. “You can’t pay attention to any of those comments y/n. Those are just a bunch of jealous fans who want to tear you apart. I WANT you, I NEED you in my life, I’m not sure what I’d do without you” he lets out, wiping away stray tears from your cheeks.

Pulling away to look into his eyes, a small smile forms across your lips. “Thank you for being here when I need you the most” you say quietly, twirling a lock of his hair around your finger.

“I’ll always be here for you my love” he says, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “Mind if I stay the night?” He asks, earning a quick nod from you.

After showering and doing your skincare for the first time in a week, you crawl into bed with Matt, resting your head on his chest as he wraps his arms around you. Exhausted, you mumble a quick “love you” before drifting off to sleep.

“I love you too” Matt whispers into your hair, planting a kiss on the top of your head.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Thank you for the request! This is a longer one, I hope you like it! This is my first Matt fic so I hope I didn’t disappoint. I also tried changing the colors of the boys dialogue so if y’all don’t like it, please let me know. Requests are open!! :)

XOXO - Zoe

[heartsforkento]

idk if you covered this already (and I just don’t remember) but what kind of dates do you and Nanami go on? + what songs do you connect with your guys relationship?

i love you for this question mwah

places we went to:

cat cafes (believe it or not he loves cats sm)

museums (i love all types of museums- i don't think he had any preference for museums but after hanging out w me i think he started to like them as well)

restaurant; he took me once to this fancy one and the bill nearly gave me a heart attack bye

this one amusement park; he doesn't prefer loud places but this one was okay. the rides were scary but i felt more comfortable with him and for the first time- i went on all the scary ones

indoor dates (they count yeah?)

mukbang date 😭 i forced him to record a mukbang asmr with me and it was so cute. he doesn't make much sound while eating but i wanted that (it's for the asmr 🙏) and i got mad 😭 "you have to make a crunch sound" "forget table manners please" etc

game night. we played roblox horror games it was so fucking funny i kept dying, i have no idea how he did not (the game is rigged ugh) and the jumpscares were so bad. sometimes we play other board games like chess or puzzles

movie night. we watch like a mix of all genres. sometimes i make him watch indian movies (bollywood, mollywood everything) but mainly the old ones because they're so much better (no hate)

songs:

Always Forever - Cults

Same Dream, Same Mind, Same Night - Seventeen

Ready to Love - Seventeen

Love, maybe - Secret Number

pov - Ariana Grande

pls listen to the second song its so wedding coded

thank you for asking this ilyy lana <3

[midnightexe]

So in “What If Solar’s Sun Never Died?” There was a LOT that was confirmed, and headcanons have certainly been strengthened. The fandom pretty much nailed how Solar’s Sun (going to nickname him Citrus here for the sake of my sanity, I haven’t settled on a name for my version of him nor have I begun his design due to my own business but mimimi I’ll go with the more popular nickname for him lmao) acted towards Solar; he’s very gentle, kind, understanding; basically our Sun minus the more jumpy, hyperactive energy. He seems calmer, quieter, less visibly anxious, and I think that rubbed off on Solar (plus, yknow, trauma).

Solar himself (or, well, this simulation’s version of him) acted different in the video—outside of the sluggishness from the corrosion— he felt almost,,, younger? Much younger. He wasn’t snarky or sassy like our current Solar, he was just… quiet and kinda timid, ngl. He didn’t feel experienced or kinda weathered emotionally like when we met him the first time (“What if Eclipse ISN’T Evil?!”), which is definitely due to the time spent alone with Moon after the transfer (and Citrus’ corrosion), plus his own grief. Even if it can be dismissed as a result of the corrosion, I think Eclipse’s voice + tone of voice alongside his actual words played a big role in showing his “age” at the time.

I specified the “experience” part earlier because,,, Solar didn’t seem to have any interest in mechanics until Moon assigned it to him, and he barely got to start working before he began to corrode. In our Solar’s timeline, he didn’t get it, so he got proficient with mechanical things and other stuff (becoming his “Jack of all trades” self we know and love). This adds to my own headcanon (and maybe others’ too) that Solar dug into different kinds of engineering, robotics, sciences, all of it, purely because he wanted to fix Citrus. It’s why Moon’s pressure shifted to Solar, because there was probably no suggestion of the Creator, and when he saw Solar trying, plus the fact he already blamed him, that pressure became… suffocating.

That’s where his quiet, calm demeanor came from; an imitation of Citrus, and an attempt to prevent himself from showing just how broken he was (he is an Eclipse, after all). I imagine he doesn’t show anger often due to the constant title of Eclipse hanging over his head, plus the fact he hates when his Moon took his own anger out on him, and because his first experience with anger as “Eclipse” was when he took it out on Citrus. He stays calm and tries to be patient, because that’s the first interaction he had. It’s in honor of the first person to show him genuine kindness and affection.

Another thing revealed by this episode is part of the reason why Solars are so damn rare. Clearly it’s the statistic that 99.999% (repeating) of the “Nice Eclipse”s end up corroding. A 95% chance in-universe, but we all heard Moon; the actual universe percentage of a “Nice Eclipse” surviving the transfer is just shy of impossible. It’s either Citrus or Solar. Not only are they rare enough in becoming nice (which seems to literally be because they approach Sun instead of plotting lmao), but them actually surviving getting their own body is a rigged coin toss where either they get barely a month to live, or the first person who showed them kindness has to take their place, instead.

Let’s also not forget the fact that Citrus didn’t tell Solar the risk percentage of the transfer.

Regardless, I want to inject these characters into my bloodstream. I love analyzing them and just watching the writing fall together so nicely like this. We get information out of order or in the subtlest of ways and AUGHHH I love this show sm.

[twistedcollective]

autism rambles

headcanons i yapped to a friend (@herconfuse im so sorry buddy)

theres a shit ton, some tdas but most are metal family. also these are copy pasted from spacehey, in parts cause i hit the character limit. four times. if some make more sense reading them as a dm, thats why. im so autistic about this show bro.

tw for various types of abuse when talking about glam and his backstory and family, also superrr limited mention of sh there too

theres probably gonna be another part to this at some point

tdas: - mal acted like a villain for the show bc fans enjoy drama and on my LIFE chris is rigging votes based on fan popularity and who he personally likes. so mal was just being overdramatic so he could stay on longer. two steps ahead frfr (ok nikocado pack it up /silly) - vito x anne maria. idc that the show tries to make her look bad, those two are so cute and systems can date different people bro - mike x zoey, obv, but also svetlana x zoey. shes poly for her partner sys ur honor. also, bi zoey. and super supportive singlet zoey. idk i love zoey sm shes so sweet - dawn is pagan, probably works with gaia or some other version of mother earth - cameron is autistic as hell bro thats not even a headcanon thats basically canon atp. that boy has so much tism in him - B is transmasc (yes this is tdroti not tdas. shush.)

metal family: - i think dee listens to white girl music sometimes - he picked it up from ches, who would blare 2000s white girl bangers to annoy his mom during fights - gustav has been to prison and had his record cleared via shady payoff to the govt - mary was married to gustav via some sort of arranged marraige (possibly a forced taxes and traditional conservative values thing cause he absolutely would [i hate gustave with a passion]) - gustav died believing that glam got fully possessed by the devil during that one scene - glam gets nightmares about his dad and/or about becoming like his dad and hurting his wife and kids. his sleep schedule is still ass to this day - nobody knows the full extent of glam's childhood, not even ches - ches probably assumed glam's scars were self inflicted due to location, and he hasnt asked to clarify bc he doesnt really know how - hes absolutely noticed tho - lif and dee consider the rat their adopted son and his theme song is rats by ghost since they both canonically like that band - heavy prefers the metallica version of enter sandman, dee likes the ghost cover better - vicky listens to viking metal and aggressive sea shanties - glam would love chappel roan - ches would love sabrina carpenter - dee would unironically like taylor swift and would tell NOBODY - dee is not only a brony (canon), but also a furry. he has a fursona and a ponysona - dee would be a reality shifter but he doesnt believe it exists - dee does NOT like cats. heavy absolutely loves them. lif likes them, but also draws gore of them (not in an edgy way but she thinks the biology is neat and has an art style where it works) - lif sits in graveyards in her spare time

metal family part 2: - heavy is a theistic satanist, dee is an atheist (canon), lif is an atheistic satanist but likes theistic satanism quite a bit, glam is an atheist, vicky is a norse pagan, ches is in tune with the universe and just calls himself "spiritual, not religious" - dee writes fanfic - i love headcanons where dee is just an absolute fucking nerd cause its SO ACCURATE bro that boy is a GEEK - dee knows the basics of chemical warfare from his chemistry phase - he could and absolutely would nuke someone if he had good reason

metal family part 3: - dee is a controlled pyromaniac - dee steals from big businesses and never from small/independent ones, he taught heavy who only steals food (candy, drinks, etc) bc anything else makes him feel guilty - dee has a spacehey account - hes also very active on the dark web, and holds a paywall on hacker services for people - he has sent things to people who wanted him to hack for shitty reasons. by things, i mean animals. not alive ones. also, small pipe bombs that arent quite deadly but will still hurt pretty damn badly - dee will jailbreak people's school devices, for a fee - hes such a con artist except hes not cause he actually pulls through - his stalker thing with lif was purely genetic, idk how but it was (see: glam stalked vicky too) - both relationships are super healthy tho dwdw - heavy cant work the internet without dees help, but is very active online where hes allowed to be - dee is a dipper personality type, heavy is a mabel personality type, and lif channels bill cipher without the,, yknow,, pure insanity - that one pink haired girl whos name i cant remember is super nice but super sheltered from alt subcultures and queer people, think caitlyn from my creative writing class (ik you dont know her)

metal family part 4: - lif had a dsmp phase and was an e girl in 2020 - she also has a scene phase shortly after - goth isnt her only style but its def her main and shes super good at the makeup and also the dancing - heavy would pierce someone for enough money - dee would give people tattoos at school for money, but he refuses to do stick and poke so he cant (doesnt have a machine) - lif draws art commissions online - dee and lif are both huge creepypasta enjoyers and have loads of ocs - heavy knows the basic ones (jeff the killer, toby, ben drowned, etc) - heavy and dee would write and produce films with shitty production quality thatre somehow really good and post them on youtube - dee takes college level classes and is aiming for his two-year by graduation (omg look its ollie projecting onto his fav characters again) - glam is pan, dee is demiromantic ace, heavy is straight as a fucking board, vicky is straight but was bicurious at one point cause lesbians absolutely love her (anna has a one sided crush one her rip), ches is gay but doesnt date much anyways, lif is bi with a preference for girls (although technically she has a preference for dee) - lif had a pink and girl phase in elementary, complete with the justice and claires stuff - lif is a demigirl (our lif is transfem i think iirc)

[tumbld-out-of-my-bed]

Okay, now that I have calmed down and had some time to think about the Good Omens S2 ending, here are more of my thoughts. 

As much as I hate to admit it, it makes sense for Aziraphale to choose Heaven, after everything. Its not regression, its partly the conditioning and partly his desire to just do good in the world (cuz at the end of the day, i know we are angry w him, but he’s still just a pure soul who wants what he really believes will be good for people) but also partly the fact that it will be him at the helm. Remember in S1 when he reached out to God? He genuinely thought the authorities will help him, and his entire arc, all the character development, well depended on the fact that the system was rigged. Now, he can BE the system. Change the things that disappointed him in the first place. The poor baby just wants to help others avoid the pain he went through (tho he keeps breaking Crowley’s heart in the process and im still so sad about it). But also, he DOES wanna be with Crowley. The first thing that makes him wanna take the job is not the fact that he can change the system, but that he can be with Crowley, forever (thinks back to a certain dialogue and feels the knife in the heart being twisted yet again), and REDEEM him. Isn’t that what the whole point of his character arcs in the minisodes about Job and Resurrectionists was in a way? Aziraphale puts so much importance on being an angel and on going to Heaven, because he really believes that everyone would want that, that Crowley, who told Aziraphale he didn’t wanna fall, would want that. This is also why he always assumes the moral high ground, constantly telling Crowley he forgives him. See, I’m as upset as everyone about the ending, but I think its very in keeping with his character. I can’t wait for s3 and I hope it will include Aziraphale finally letting go of his biases against demons and learning that being an Angel is not all he chalked it up to be. I need sm angst (because their characters need it to grow) and sm fluff (cuz I need it to heal) but most of all, i need Crowley to be the one to say i forgive you to Aziraphale. Sorry for the long post, I had sm feelings. 

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Hey BPP!

I came across this post about the ‘slave room’ that I think you might know already. Here’s the post https://old.reddit.com/r/kpop/comments/m4cdy9/a_slave_room_was_created_to_monitor_users_spread

I remember you talking about how you and your friends consistently reported a lot (hundreds???? of antis and their misinformation a few years ago and now this. The post talks about this room mainly targeting girl groups like Twice and a couple of comments down there was even a mention of STAND, the anti fans of SNSD who really wanted to bring them down. Reading this blew my mind because with the amount and reach of their organization feels like miles ahead than an organized group of trolls and antis that I thought most idol groups dealt with.

Does BTS have something like this? Because when I read your post on antis I was under the impression that it was a small group of head antis with a few minions to do the legwork. This slave room actually spent tons of money on this smear campaign. It comes off to me that they might have backing from a company but maybe I just can’t believe that people would waste their cash on something so petty lmao. Time maybe but not money. It sounds like a real campaign almost like QAnon or MAGA, which is scary to think about!!!! The users say that their k-fandom worked against it but weren’t successful as much until it was uncovered by the media. They didn’t even contact the gg’s agency for help. Are K-Army aggressive when it comes to squashinh down stuff like this?? Antis are scary and unhinged 😭😭😭😭😭

***

Hi Anon,

Your link.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the anti 'slave rooms' are well known. Antis in k-pop are a very special breed and yes sometimes there is corporate backing for that hate. I mean, the most recent example of that is Kakao's Idol Lab expose that newspapers in Korea reported in November 2022. For anyone who doesn't know, Kakao (the same Kakao that SM stans would rather have their idols be managed by, rather than HYBE), funded a group known for 'reverse viral marketing' that specialized in creating and spreading hate and malicious rumors against Aespa, Le Sserafim, NewJeans, Itzy, Garam, and a few other rival groups, while simultaneously creating and boosting positive posts for IVE, Monsta X, Wonyoung i.e. groups under their Starship music label. The company claimed that group of haters were third-party contractors and that Kakao wasn't aware of what they were doing, but given this is same Kakao that rigged a music talent show so extremely and blatantly that some of their staff went to prison, many people clearly don't buy it.

Now, here's a quick quiz. It's more of a temp/sense check to see if from all I've been writing about the k-pop industry and HYBE / BTS / ARMYs' relationship with it so far, you've learned something and can answer the following questions correctly.

Did that very damning revelation impact Kakao at all?

Did fans of SM groups who learned their favourite idols/groups were explicitly targeted by Kakao, care in any meaningful way?

Did those fans care when Kakao was revealed to want to acquire management rights of their idols/groups? And what about after Kakao was revealed to have pursued illegal means of acquiring SM shares?

Does the wider k-pop fandom view Kakao as worse or similar to HYBE?

Has this revelation impacted any of Kakao's groups in any meaningful way since then?

Do you think the reaction of k-pop stans to Kakao's manipulation would be the same if HYBE was found to have done the same?

*

I'm kind of curious to know what your answers are.

Anyway, by this point I hope that when I say the behaviours you see in k-pop fandoms are structurally supported, and that ARMY (for most of the fandom's existence so far) has borne the brunt of acting counter-cultural to the dominant behaviours you see here, as has BigHit and BTS going against many industry norms, and that many people in k-pop fandoms aren't here for the right reasons, I hope that by this point y'all can see I'm not talking outta my ass.

Many people here get into k-pop for the shiny veneer of perfection, of bright MVs, crisp choreos, and hot Asian celebrities who engage in the sort of fan service only rockstars of old got away with, but they stay for the fanwars, for the long-running feuds between fandoms, for the constant picking apart of idols and groups they dislike, for the hope that one day the groups/fandoms they hate will experience a reckoning... - people stay for the hate. Many of them do absorb all sorts of conspiracy theories about BTS and groups/idols they hate and yes, it can take on a Q-Anon quality.

There's a lot that's fucked up in this industry and not even HYBE is completely spotless, but what matters for a lot of the people in this space is making an example of the one group that was the anomaly, and the company and fandom that helped them rise above it all. I'm not even trying to be alarmist or sycophantic, this is literally just the reality I've observed for years.

This is one reason I suggest you simply report and block when you see hate, don't engage with the hate or give people/spaces with a taste for it any oxygen. It's why when I see people engage in 'discourse' where they simply fan up theories or unilaterally negative critiques about groups (and especially BTS), I just check out.

Now that k-pop has gotten even more international exposure courtesy of BTS, it is potentially even more lucrative than before, and so the stakes have only gotten higher. But the players are still used to relying on their unsavory playbook and see no reason to change because the wider k-pop industry and fandom is more than okay with it. I mean, just look at the Kakao-SM deal and k-pop fandom's reaction to it even after the police have just raided their offices...

The quality of music BTS makes is more than enough reason to focus only on them and that. Their personalities and group chemistry are a wonderful bonus. And their history and relationship in this industry for anyone who understands the dynamics here, is only the cherry on top. This is one reason it sometimes annoys me when ARMYs let it get to them or act just as unhinged, disgusting, and stupid as many of the folks who only 3-4 years before they couldn't stand.

Sigh, oh gosh I've rambled again. Lol writing abridged versions is hard. But I hope you got your answer Anon.

[feanoryen]

The news about riize has made me so angry. These people are absolutely fucking disgusting and something seriously needs to be done about this. Taeil can drug and gang rape a girl and everyone’s silent but a boy smokes and has a girlfriend predebut??? And people act like this! Its ridiculous… but also I can’t believe you like both silm AND Kpop!! What groups do you stan? Who are your biases?

T@e!l is the wrong comparison to make here.

No one supports T@e!l, Korean & International netizens ALL hate him. He was immediately removed (thankfully) and I think everyone just wants to forget about his existence because who wants to keep a r@p!st on their mind. There's nothing to protest for, his career is done.

Obviously Seunghan's treatment by OT6 Briize is evil & unforgivable though. It just has nothing to do with T@e!l and isn't comparable.

It's just purely stupid & idiotic how OT6 Briize wanted to & succeeded in punishing Seunghan for being a normal teenager. It happened PRE-debut, years ago... it's pointless witch hunting him for it now, but apparently not being a celibate virgin is punishable by d@ath threats & having to leave your group.

The thing is, just look at the rest of RIIZE. They're all beautiful gorgeous boys. Do the same people who hate Seunghan for dating think that pretty boy Wonbin & k-drama beauty Sungchan have always been and will always be single? How did they look at Seunghan's stunning face and think he would have no game?

This is ridiculous and it's even more ridiculous SM caved in and sided with the people sending him funeral wreaths for the sin of dating. They've never been good at defending their artists from haters, but some of their most popular artists/former artists have had dating "scandals". Jonghyun, Taeyeon, Baekhyun, Kai, Krystal... they all got a terrible amount of hate but didn't loose their careers.

....

My Stan List & Biases:

BTS: Got me into K-pop and are true artists. Their Korean discography is a masterpiece & I love how BTS's rapline are real rappers and not just "Idol rappers" who mumble/fast talk. Also I appreciate the Rapline's heavy involvement in their music, they do way more than most idols. (OT7 are all my biases but Jin & J-Hope are my bias wreckers.)

ATEEZ: I've been a fan for years now & I'm so proud of how far they've come. I can't say I love every single comeback but their music usually grows on me & when it works it just works. Seonghwa & Hongjoong are my biases & Yeosang is my bias wrecker but I love everyone.

Le Sserafim: Sakura Miyawaki is my queen & she is a stage presence demon who I will defend til my last breath. They're also the funniest group. Eunchae is my bias wrecker, she's so gosh darn cute & charming.

Victon (now inactive): They had some good f*cking music. I still keep up with by bias Han Seungwoo's releases with are usually good.

WOODZ (soloist): I love self produced idols who make good music. Not to mention he's also good at everything & doesn't lack in vocals, dance, or rap. What an icon!

ZB1: I know they're a temporary group but they're genuinely one of the best groups ever. I can't believe such a perfect group was made with no MNET rigging! Each member is so talented & they ALL deserved their spots in the group. Not to mention they're all funny af with great visuals. Haobin are my biases & everyone else is a bias wrecker.

NCT Dream: I stan them but I don't really have a bias or bias wrecker. I like them all about the same & their bond as a group is heartwarming. Their music is also the best in NCT.

I would stan NCT 127... if only I liked their music. Yuta is my bias & Taeyong is my bias wrecker though.

I don't quite stan ILLIT, but I was rooting for Moka all throughout the survival show RUNext. I'm so glad she made it and it's amazing to see her become so popular when she was really underappreciated pre-debut. I'm also just rooting for all the girls in general, they seem very sweet & deserve the best.

Also not quite K-pop but (K)J-pop - JO1: I love them, I love their music, I love their voices, their visuals, their personalities, amazing. Junki is my bias (oshi in Japanese) & Ren is my bias wrecker.

[ninetwelves]

idg this one opinion i saw on all stars 7 being bad bc the back ups they had to me make no sense theyre like all stars 7 was bad bc it didnt have enough early season winners like omfg wherw is the self awareness

bebe was on all stars 3 should could come back but thats kinda debatable ik they bring queens back 3 times( and even 4 times being jimbo) but maybe its more debatable for a first all winners season

tyra is cut out for her bomb threats to drag con she gets left out the winners circles

obviously sharon gets left out the winners circle and what clasifies as early season winners for me itd be 1-3 or 1-5 bc 6-8 or 9 feel a bit mid season (def not in quality) bianca wont do it, bob wasnt invited but thank god she hosted pitstop

violet would do it and maybe it wouldve been good if she did bc shes out here huffing paint of booting raja for not wearin corsets fjndjfnfnfn

alaska wouldnt be invited back

trixie wouldnt do it

sasha velour wouldve been cool but if they make a second one they cant use all their best queens and sasha art is great but maybe they were thinking best tv personalities w chemistry (bc all stars 8 lacked that MAJORLYYY) bc i think they did pic best tv personalities together like sure certain queens i absolutely would gag but i strangely wasnt mad at the cast for how robbed manila was (and she was robbed like imagine manila in that season but thats the all stars format riggery fault) but yk monet and trinity were some of the mosg entertaining thank god it made me fall in love w monet???

like thats debatable tho for some queens coming back but unfortunately for early seasons there was genuinely not a lot of options BUT IM SO GLAD WE GOT THE TWO BEST ONES ESP FUCKING RAJA (BC BOY WHAT THAT SEASON DID TO ME IT MADE ME FALL SO DEEP LOVE FOR RAJA SHES OFFICIALLY MY MOTHER GF BF AND AUNTIE ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY) and yk the first thing i fell in love w that season was raja + jinkx and all the newer winners holy fuck did i ever love that sure it was def a bit rigged theyre not the most stand out lip syncers of the bunch but god did they both ever pave the way for them all there (esp raja) and i believe it was so needed to show that respect

and raja and jinxk r good lip syncers stunts arent everything song choice is important

it def wasnt the strongest lip sync season ill admit that but yo i adore watching lip syncs ppl dont think i care about fashion in drag race but i really do this season is my fav for a reason raja is my fav for a reason it wouldve been sm more perfect for me if the lip syncs were so top tier but idk fuckin raja vs viv was so fun / perfect raja vs jaida was so so fun

raja had no chance for yvie im super biased that im glad she won but idk raja still slayed its just yvie oddly ur going against maybe ru hated yvies wigs or smth (listen i love yvies shes one of my favs) i dont disagree w the track record vs lip sync bc i guess itd depend on the lip sync and track record and entertainment to the season ofc u cant please everyone, it makes it a lot less predictable altho imo jimbos win as much as its deserved is waaayyyyyy too predictable and not even cute bc at least w season 15 the other queens of so many different styles of drag and diversity and experience and worlds kepts sasha on her toes a bit she shouldve won more but damn i just love me a season w milfs ok IM JUST MILF BIASED LET ME HAVE THISSS

ok also the cast was good (despite manila being robbed in as 4) they didnt need to rely on villian edits or drama which im not against for drag race but thats how good their chemistry and personalies were like that is so important a goooooood ass cast can carry and i dont think all stars 8 delivered (i even think all stars 1 delivered that sm more than 8)

but idk i think my all stars ranking that some places can be flipped is

all stars 7 (fav season EVER)

as 2

as 3 + 4 tied

all stars 6

all stars 5

all stars 1

all stars 8

and im gonna be real cast chemistry/entertainment/personality/humor is like the first thing thatd enjoyable about the show fuck ill take bad runways even bad lip syncs usually a season will have one or the other or at least one good runway or lip sync bc i can trust the queens tonpull thru on that more than the producers holy shit

and yk bad lip syncs and runways to me can be so fucking funny like jigglys garbage dress, kennedys cyrstalized chicken, the i will surive lip sync in s8, the 2 messy ass lip syncs in s3 (like it had 2 of the best lip syncs in the show and 2 of the worst but the worsr were so fuckjng funnyfbfkdhd)

but yk you want better lip syncs?? actually pay attention to ur front runners styles of performance, rewards all styles of lip syncs, and pick ur song choices more off that.

also snatch game being good is quite important all stars 7 fucking DELIVEREDDDDDDDDD

i get more peeved when a cast of a season has no age and drag style variety (which theyve always delivered drag style variety and age usuall like season 14 im sorry did not deliver that 4 me enough) variety bc whats the point u did not respect where drag came from, the veterns, and ofc the new queens for the future of drag like come bring in at least one milf drag queen one milf per season IS ENOUGH FOR ME

[shytastemakerthing]

heyyy can i get a romantic matchup? ID REALLY LIKE AN ENSTARS ONE but if u dont do those, a twst one is good :3

im kitten, i dont use pronouns (so just use my name). i dont use labels either, but im feminine. im 17 (so nobody younger than me pls!!), currently in IT classes, 162cm, virgo and entp/intp. also 8w9

umm Im a vampirekin and have a strong affiliation w rabbits and cats. i can be really blunt (sometimes i dont mean it sometimes i do) and am pretty aggressive. i love play-fighting w friends and getting into joke arguments nd stuff.

i hate hatee having 2 give advice like I cant deal w ppl venting 2 me. I can b rude Mostly jut since if i dont like you 4 whatever reason Im not going to hide it Im just not going 2 Be nice. Cuz of this I dont get approached a lot bc ppl say i look mad/intimidating a lot!!!

VERY umm bimbo oriented. very clumsy, Very bad memory and attention span, But who cares I love acting cute and acting pretty and stuff. I love cute things tbhgd sm and I just want 2 squeeze. Cute ppl. As a bimbo i still Have my days 💔where im just Depressed man and Thats most days. but i am good at Just Living and Not acting like that..! Tho when im Very bad w mental health I tend 2 just get sick and not leave my bed and just cut everyone off LOLL

Any ways I love fashion and dressing cute and DESIGNING CLOTHES!!!! I love designing plushies and characters and stuff I need like a creative output and I have 34983 ways of that (designing plushies, characters, outfits ect. sewing, vtuber rigging, sculpting, painting, ect). i usually dress in v-kei, gyaru (kogal), ouji and lolita.

i love any love languages recieving tbh Maybe like words of affirmation I need lots of reminding that they R a willing participant of this Relationship. PERSONALLY i lvoe spending time and doing acts of service, im rlly Not an affectionate person so im probably not going to initiate physical contact and Im RLLY bad with words so im not probably going to do words of affirmation either .......

Hmmmm what else I love music. so much different types. breakcore, classical, eurobeat, game osts, pop rock, industrial metal, esp anything super weird and experimental.

jut stuff i likee would be active cities, being clean, good food, nighttime, CATS AND BUNNIES, pigeons<3, (i want to own a pet cat, bunnies and a pigeon lol), collecting things and baking

i DISLIKE dogs (despite being pretty dog-aligned by personality), my room having any sun in it, dirty/messy/gross ppl. i hatee violence sm I get uncomfortable hearing or seeing ppl/animals get hurt Its just gross and scary.

abt relationships ... I will die for my Partner i will straight up Fight someone for them. idc if they r bad person or if They did a crime rlly Thats so girlboss of them . I want to go out a lot on dates and stuff I dont wanna just go to the same places I want 2 explore and go to new places nd stuff. also Ermmm i dont rlly wanna Date someone shorter thn me Like. They just look like a child at that point..

thx :3 sawrry i wrote a lot lolz. lolll tyy So muh

A/N: Hello and thank you for your request! Don't worry about it being so long, the more information that I have to work with then the better! It only lets me get even more ideas for a match-up! Speaking of, I do hope that you like yours and enjoy!

Tw: None

I match you with.........

Ritsu Sakuma

From one vampire to another, you both are quite literally made for each other in that regard. He sees you and he can feel warmth flooding through his ice cold veins, how the moonlight illuminates your figure makes you look just ethereal. He is stunned into silence but soon regains himself and Ritsu can't help but to approach you.

Now given his sleeping patterns, it is a little hard for the both of you to meet up for any kind of outings, these would mostly be happening later in the evening and into the night given his aversion to sunlight, but he manages to work his schedule just right between his unit work and when he sleeps. He will always make time for you.

Another cat lover! Perhaps the both of you would like to go to a cat cafe for one of your dates? It would be something that he would find both enjoyable and relaxing, especially if you get to be there with him.

His schedule is quite busy sometimes given the work he has with his unit, Knights, but if you would like, you could always join him when they have practices and lives. Honestly, the thought of you being in the crowd and cheering him on makes this young vampire smile.

Speaking of his unit, the others absolutely adore you and they protect their own, and given that they now see you as one of their own, they will protect you just as you protect Ritsu. It is what a Knight does, after all.

Ritsu is big on giving you those words of affirmation. He may not be too much of a talker, and he really isn't that down on himself, but he would never want you to be down on yourself. He wants you to know that he is committed to this relationship no matter what it takes.

Overall, two vampires are able to join each other under the light of the moon. It is something that he will always love. With your similar interests and hobbies, it just makes the time that you spend with one another so much better and so much sweeter.

[maxellminidisc]

Still think Loona's contracts were some of the fucking worst ive seen. Like the ratio of profit vs expense for the artist was evil. It basically put them in a perpetual cycle of debt. The company basically rigged it so that theyd get the highest margin of profit from the work off the girls all the while the comparatively small earnings the girls got would then go into paying off expenses for things like music videos, promo work, etc so they'd basically just end up in debt after debt to the company to fund said videos and such.

Exos deal is a lil more foggy in the details and the only translation I could find of their entire statement was on a website kpop fans hate so take this with a grain of salt but essentially it seems like SM was trying to keep the exact numbers of how much profit they made away from the members for as long as they could, especially access and rights to their financial records while keeping them working (they at most gave them "read only" rights which is bullshit, they should've been allowed documents) despite multiple members requesting these records and SM lying that theyd send them over. Worst of all, the company pulled on their sentimentality to get them to sign ALREADY very sneakily made contracts well beyond the allowed standard of excess time. Their original contracts seemed to be for 10 years but SM found a loophole by adding an annex of 3 years on all them for possible "foreign promotion and work" despite multiple of the members at the time being unconfirmed for work outside SKorea, which created a grand total of 13 years for each of them.

When expiration came up CBX say they tried to negotiate new changes in contract a total of EIGHT times and SM refused in what they believe was an attempt to wear them down. When they finally DID wear them down, they basically insinuated and threatened to them that if they didnt sign, that EXO would be broken and it would be their fault. Baekhyun in particular said that when he was negotiating they told him that if HE didnt sign, the rest of them weren't getting contract deposits. So essentially they made it seem like if they didn't sign the extension they would be "betraying" their brothers and all their hard work. I think frankly that's the cruelest fucking thing they've done to them outside not giving these guys their well earned pay in full.

[safesthaveninexistence]

It’s okay for me to move with love. I’m the apex predator. My Magic and power is INSANE IM LAUGHING🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 IM GRATEFUL IM HAVING SM FUN WITH MY PSYCHIC POWERS. HAVING FUN WITH MY PSYCHIC POWERS ONLY GETS MORE AND MORE INFINITELY FUN. HAVING FUN WITH MY PSYCHIC POWERS ONLY GET MORE AND MORE INFINITELY EXHILARATING, ESCTATIC, FULFILLINGLY, AMAZING AND BREATHTAKING. WOW I see my beautifully huge super yacht… geez I’m seeing visions. Geez…..Wow I’m receiving visions. My yacht……puts all to shame. I’m MONSTROUSLY BIG BALLIN….Dawg I’m a MF ZILLIONAIRE…….(chills) I don’t gotta worry they just psychically know. My zillionaire energy feels tangible. My zilllionaire energy feels tangible and palpable like Rick Ross. Like that shit screamed “BILLIONAIRE” like that shit’s a frequency. And I’m on the Zillionaire frequency. I’m nailed to the version of me that’s on the Zillionaire frequency. I naturally pick effortless choices. MY WORD IS POWER DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN BRUH. I am as certain Laika is realer than my very flesh as certain that I am that it gets dark at night. I am as certain I defeated Taylor Swift as certain that I am that it gets dark at night. They understand not the words but my energy. I open up easily to friends and connect with them, having a more fulfilling social life. It’ll happen naturally. I’ll get in touch with old friends I actually miss naturally. Right now I just rest and be powerful. My psychic powers are wild yo😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 everything about me is black Magic I’m mesmerizing. I’m a mesmerizing siren song. I’m a haunting siren song. Everything is rigged in my favor. I can hate and shit be rigged into my favor. I can complain shit be rigged into my favor. I can be uncertain and shit be rigged into my favor. Ain’t nobody be rigging shit into their favor the way I do. I’m the apex predator of rigging shit into my favor. Yeah Laika laughs along with me about my psychic powers like LMFAOOOOOOOOOO. That deepest intimacy sense of humor. Laika looks beyond heavenly. Omg. She sets my heart on fire like never before. Laika and I never get the ick with each other. We’re too deeply in love with each other omg. This is insane. Sex with Laika is passionately intense and tangible. Sex with Laika is terrifyingly tangible. Everyday I’m mind boggled Laika’s real she’s so breathtaking. Tatted up. I step on the neck of brujeria. I’m automagically the version of myself that’s supposed to walk through them doors. Bruh it’s gon take me a while to get used to Laika. Im powerful without reason. I can infallibly predict what’s coming next with razor-sharpest precision. I’m in the zillionaire superstar reality w Laika in a whole ‘nother lifetime. I experience more and more infinite never-in-a-million-years moments. The way I speak is unbelievably poetic. Magic is disconnected from logic. Once I see signs it’s inevitably coming like my birthday. I trust my Magic figure it out like it always do. Me and Laika we have deep sense of humor. Like we both joke about how I’m God. My Magic’s so indisputable it’s LAUGHABLE. I’m my own favorite melody. I’m my own favorite melody. Because there’s nothing more attractive than one that’s tuned into their own melody. I’m unbelievably gorgeous as hell. It’s inevitably coming sooner than I think. It’s terrifyingly undeniable Laika and zillionaire superstar reality came sooner than I even thought. Fame came sooner than I think wtf. It all came sooner than I thought. I’m so painfully pretty. Laika’s cool as hell wow we got matching grills we’re a vibe. I’m Saweetie type fine. I’m the finest bro. My self-validation game only gets more and more infinitely terrifyingly indisputable. Laika’s gonna show up in 48 hours. Life only gets more and more infinitely surreal. Life only gets more and more infinitely tangibly unreal. I’m a doll face. I’m free cause everything’s rigged in my favor. I’m terrifyingly so fine it’s not even funny.

[perfectlysaltycat32]

i hate how the nhl runs their organization like they 100% rigged the draft to give bedsy to the hawks bc they’re original six and they have a very growable market bc chicago is very bandwagon

and i feel awful for bedsy this is a horrible situation for him. he’s pretty much the only good player, he doesn’t rly have anyone to support him and get him good passes and help him improve as a player. ppl don’t realize this and j expect him to carry the team bc they’re bandwagon and they don’t understand hockey so they all talk abt how “He’S nOt DoInG gOoD eNoUgH” and put sm pressure on him and it’s like he can’t. he can’t j turn the team around bc he’s one person and well they’re an entire team. and putting pressure on him j makes it worse, he already puts sm pressure on himself he doesn’t need more.

and also they can go fuck themselves bc they’d never heard his name before until like 3 months ago

ik!!

Im so mad that they have Ryan donato and Kevin korchinski

[axelrod45]

Rejuv Fandom Thing based on what rozetheeuwu did

if you saw their recent blog, these are same prompts based on my own opinions.

First character I fell in love with:

I can't deny it, post-time travel Melia. She is SUPER pretty, no surprise Venam's down bad for her.

The character that I never expected to love as much as I do now:

Was considering stuff like Nastasia, but I choose Amber. She starts off as such a grouch(albeit for understandable reasons), but I love how she develops, and lategame Ambs is SO lovable, it's unreal.

My least-liked popular character:

Like with roze's blog, I can't really identify with liking one that everyone hates much. In fact, I can't really think of an answer to this. NEXT!

My favorite (possibly) unpopular character:

I don't feel like Damien is liked super well, but I honestly really like his character. His general hostility is very in-character for a person who got his life ripped apart by Team Xen, yet his development through the Badland Baddies sidequest really shows his acknowledgement of his faults. Plus, I like his aesthetic of Dragon-user with a Dark preference.

Character I no longer like(or not as much):

I simply don't like Rhodea as much after Chapter 15. Cool motive, good bouncing back afterward, but NO ONE TRIES TO KILL MY GIRL SAKI, AND ESPECIALLY NOT AMBER PURELY IN ASSOCIATION, AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.

Character I would totally smooch:

Aelita, too wholesome and pretty not to pass on, she's one of my GOATs and I luv her sm!

Character I'd want to be like:

Saki, I'm kinda already like her to a lesser extent: a slightly-pampered memelord, albeit one who hasn't had their whole life rigged for them(to my knowledge). If choosing her just gets me more money I'd roll with that.

Character I'd slap:

Thomas Blakeory Sr.- Vitus and Gardevoir, while truly malicious in intent, at least either have terrifying strength and conviction that make them feel respectable in a twisted sense, or are more somber character storylines that make them potentially redeemable if not for circumstances. But not Thomas, he just ordered a hit on his Dad from A LITERAL GOD OF DESTRUCTION to get the family fortune early, framed Rhodea's Dad and left him for dead to steal the plans for GDC, and rigged many systems in said city with his influence and power, including preventing the Ligosomnia Engine from winning the Axis High contest over Sakitron, leading to (iirc) Clear and Kieran starting to wreak havoc and Rune getting merc'd by Xara and Jean. I wouldn't just slap him, I would shoot him several times all over his pitiful body with a shotgun.

Favorite ships:

Melia/Venam, Aelita/MC, Nim/MC and Ren with Ariana specifically. I don't actually hate Crescent/MC- in fact I may end up liking it depending on what character development Crescent gets in her quest(which I think is in 13.5? could be wrong tho).

Least favorite ship:

Erin/Kanon: Heard this put out there before and I don't like it. For one, I believe Erin is confirmed aromantic/aroace, and two, Kanon is obviously way newer around romance being a (former) servant.

[cheesysaggychick]

20 & 50/50 (a pathography)

"Things do just change in a snap of a finger, don't they?" "I accepted then and there that death was the most convenient route for everybody, especially me." "I do not know how hard that must have felt to do for my mama."

Day 1: The calm before the storm

It was a tiring day, yet after eating lunch in Kanluran I still didn’t want to go home. My friends and I decided to go to SM since it was a holiday the next day.

Typical student hangout place after school. The new and freshly expanded SM mall still amazes me every time. It’s too long for my liking making it difficult for students in Sailormoon uniform and 2 inches platform heels to stroll around. We went to two different arcades, or should I say two versions of the same arcades in the same mall but in different parts of it. In short, the undying Tom’s World.

We played basketball which I was shocked I was good at one-handed. I mean I have always hated basketball because I never had the “pulse” for it like what my cousin says, but if basketball was like this growing up, I would never be afraid of rings. After playing what seemed like 5 rounds of basketball and a few rigged games in the new Tom’s world, we decided to visit the legit and classic arcade in the original building. Without a doubt, it was a better experience, there was a karaoke I spent a lot of my energy looking for songs to make sure the 5 tokens which were 5 pesos each would be worth it. I sure did take my time and when it was time, the sauna-like karaoke hub was fun but as I have said, it was sauna-like. We proceeded to have Ice cream at Mcdonald's afterward then went home because both Alec and I were being summoned by nature.

Day 2: A-not-so Holiday

Apparently, for some unknown reason, I woke up at 4 am in the morning. Looking back I think it might be because I forgot to plug my phone into the charger. My phone’s battery’s always been emptied these days compromising its health. With the silence, peace, and time I have, I chose to do backlogs in school which was A lot. By 6:30 I finished most of what I can by that time and I was getting hungry. At the same time, I heard my sister cursing behind my door seeing the new lock on her door replaced by my mother the previous day because she kept destroying it. She was just coming home from work the night before. I just shouted calm down and gave her the keys anyways. Later on, she decided to bring me along on her errands for that day which were to go to the laundromat, buy lunch, have a haircut, and buy her kids, our cats, and dog food. She probably had just gotten her salary. After lunch, the exhaustion sank in and by 2 in the afternoon I was tired as the wings of a bird. I never understood how my sister could have this lifestyle. After eating lunch, I slept until 6 pm and by then I started feeling lightheaded and nauseous. I knew immediately something was wrong but I thought eating dinner would relieve the pain, but it didn’t. By then, I decided to take a bath thinking it would lower my now-rising temperature. Guess what, it did not so I just slept through as another busy day awaits.

Day 3: Denial

I woke up at my normal waking time 5:30 am but the feeling was far from normal. Everything felt so hot and there seems like a weight bearing over my chest. I remember drinking 2 paracetamol tablets at the same time the night before thinking it would ease the discomfort but my fever seem to continuously rise. I tried to message the class secretary stating I would be late for class but I cannot seem to lift a finger. I was too weak for my liking. Things do just change in a snap of a finger, don't they? I was not able to go to school that day and it was Day 1.

Day 4: Confirmation 

I did not think I would survive day 3, but now I am on day 4 felt surreal. Today was supposed to be the Resiklos competition but again for the second time, I was not able to go to school again. My fever was stuck at 40 and I can hear my mother constantly nagging in my ear about how for the nth time I had UTI because I kept complaining of my aching downward belly aka the puson. Today was Friday and my papa decided I should get checked. I got complete lab work done in the clinic he was working. Everything was bliss and the only thing I remember was feeling lightheaded and someone getting my blood. It hurt so much amidst all the pain I still felt it through to my bones. I was not the one who was good with pain, that was my sister. I despised pain and I never liked the feeling of it making me not good at handling it. After waiting for painfully long minutes, we were called by the doctor and were told I have dengue. How did he come to that conclusion you may ask? My platelet count was 150, which was 100 lower than normal. The doctor said I am experiencing the early stages of dengue and that my blood was getting thicker by the moment due to the mosquito venom. We were ordered to go home and continuously hydrate and try to thin my blood with liquids. And that was the start of my relationship with the undying Pocari Sweat with the dying me.

Day 5: Hell starts here!

I was basically glued to my bed for a good 5 days now and I was getting so sick of being sick. I can recall nothing but pain and the countless paracetamol tablets I was drinking with Pocari Sweat. It hurts everywhere and nothing is registering in my mind anymore. 

Day 6: Night One

The pain in my back was too much to handle I told my parents I cannot take it anymore and that I need to go to the hospital now. Everything hurts, but specifically my back, it feels like it is going to break in two anytime soon. I still have not escaped hell because we are just starting. When I was rushed to the Emergency Room when I told you it was traumatic, it is and I think I am scarred forever both literally and figuratively. With a burning fever of 41, It was like god saw me suffering and had to give me the most inconsiderate Medtech and nurses in the world at that moment. I had my temperature checked as well as my blood pressure and pulse which were still as low as ever, and now comes the real check, the swab test. That was my first, and it sure as hell is not my last. When I tell you, I just had to have the bitchiest nurse of all. When it was time for medication, I was like a banshee on the loose. The pain of the hep lock being inserted into my veins hurt like a bitch but the pain of the liquid paracetamol was incomparable. I screamed like a maniac feeling the medication run through the entirety of my hands, it felt like my left hand was being burned alive. It still hurts trying to think about it today. Ok fast-forward. I had to have complete lab work done after that painful experience and had to wait 2 agonizing hours for the results. While we were waiting, my fever was not subsiding, and I was experiencing an allergic reaction to the medication that was injected into me.

My left hand was growing double in size by the passing hour and when it was time for my IV for hydration, the new, now nice nurse realized the painful hep lock earlier was not even attached to my veins so guess what, the saline will not flow and I would probably die of dehydration. But I didn’t because they had to transfer the painful hep lock onto my right hand, which took me a lot of psyching and crying, to even agree to it. After another bloodwork, I agreed for the new hep lock to be transferred to my right hand which was another round of pain, but I would do anything to ease my back pain at that moment. After hours of waiting for the IV to be swallowed by my veins, we were told to go home and so we did, disappointed. I was hoping to get admitted but well that’s news for another day.

Day 7: Tawa-tawa first encounter

Honestly, all I remember this day was that I cannot use both of my hands on the trauma I faced the night before. With bandages on both hands, I was still glued to the bed. Having not bathed in days, my mama washed my head and face and made me change clothes and everything that needs changing. That night, she brought out a dark-colored liquid she called Tawa-tawa. I think my closest and only encounter with tawa-tawa was in Vic Sotto’s movie “Pak Pak: My Dr. Kwak Kwak”. I said dark-colored because it was black, it was so saturated I could not even swallow it. It awakened all of my salivary glands I gagged. Everything was a blur after that. 

Day 8: Night two

The night of day 7, I was finally admitted. For the third time, I had to get complete labwork done. With the immense back pain I was experiencing, I had my back x-rayed and saw that the scoliosis I had a few years back which we all thought recovered on its own all these years was back. I now have mild scoliosis aside from the dengue fever I have. I don’t remember how long I was lying in the ER bed, all I remember was that it was cold. But even when I am weak, I was not too weak to complain, I voiced out my feelings because I am built like that.

Day 9 to Day 11: Bliss: A-not-so Grey’s Anatomy Experience

By the title, you could probably guess what happened during all those days. It was endless pulse, blood pressure, temperature checks, the worst needles, scolding, rude doctors and nurses who just barges into the room with no acknowledgment whatsoever, and most especially bad hospital food. We were in our own private room and it almost felt like a prison cell. I was prohibited from getting up and so I had to pee and shat in a bed pan which was the most i-wish-to-never-get-sick-again-so-that-i-wouldn’t-have-to-experience-this-again moment of my life. 

But in all seriousness, I was so hopeless during these days I hoped to just die at that moment. I accepted then and there that death was the most convenient route for everybody, especially me. I was seeing things I think I was never meant to see. I even saw the reaper and his friends trying to pull me with them to play. Every time I closed my eyes, there is a different creature creeping into my mind I played my own game, try not to blink, because a mere blink feels likes sinking to hell. For a good 3 or 4 days, my fever rose to 42 degrees. I experienced a major dysmorphia making it difficult to look at my reflection for the entirety of my stay there. My lips were busted as an action star in a movie and she was not winning the battle. I was not eating nor drinking anything, and my parents and sister were mad at me. I understand them now but back then all I was thinking about was hopelessness. All the rude Medtech, nurses, and doctors, and the fights between my parents in front of me were a lot for my mental health at that moment. It was like my sanity was hanging on with the tip of my pinky finger. 

By the 11th day, we were ordered I needed to be transferred to a different hospital that has a blood bank and an Intensive Care Unit since I was not getting better. My platelet count was 20 and I needed a blood transfusion since I was already 50/50. My parents looked and looked for hospitals but we were not accepted as transfer patient as I am already high risk. On the night of day 11, we were supposed to go to Batangas since there is a blood bank there. My mother started packing but apparently, I would not even be accommodated even if we go there as I was supposed to be on slot 23. 

In the end, we were not able to transfer and I have become an outpatient in OsBin. At the same time, blood was still being drawn, and BP, temp, and pulse is still being monitored. Being an outpatient means that I am no longer in the hospital’s care, which means they will stop supplying my food and medication. No nurses nor Medtechs will check on me anymore unlike before. 

At the same time, my nicest Nurse, or MedTech, I don’t even know anymore, woke me to my senses. When the rude doctors are doing endorsements in the patient’s room, she was the only one who would actually acknowledge the patient and ask about their condition. On my worst day, she told me to fight. She told me to never lose hope and that only I can save myself because the people around me can only do much. She said that she has been in my situation before thus she knows how I am feeling and that she knows how it feels to lose hope in life. She told me to think about the people around me at times when I stop caring about myself. The people around me worry about me, and although I do not care whether I live or not, the people around me cannot do anything but worry, and I should think about them and get my strength from them. This was almost all verbatim but in Tagalog but honestly, I almost cried after she walked out of the door of my room. I feel like I have found the person who can truly sympathize with me and not just someone who orders me to do things and expects me to do something I cannot do in a heartbeat. 

By then, I was transferred from the private room into the public pediatric ward which we had on our own. It was filled with Disney wallpapers, it was so obnoxious for a 17-year-old who will have her birthday the following week.

Day 12 to Day 15: Pediaward and Diaper encounters

Yes. I had to wear a diaper. Let me explain.

I was attached to a machined in which I could not stand nor move nor change clothes thus we had to cut my clothes.

I was scolded by my doctor because I was not getting any better. My feet were placed up high because apparently, I was not getting any blood in my brain anymore. My pillows were all placed on my foot and I was filled with dengue rashes on my entire body. It felt like being stabbed by needles endlessly on my entire body. Although the room has air-conditioning, I was as sensitive as a snowflake I can never be too hot or too cold. I was now drinking a more diluted, less-saturated tawa-tawa as my blood pressure was getting better because of it. Also, too many quail eggs that I have to eat even until today to maintain a high blood count. By Day 14, my pillows were now put back on my head and my blood pressure was back in the hundreds rather than being 80/60 for days. My doctor even told me that I could die of a heart attack therefore once I was discharged, I cannot go out for at least 3 weeks and do bed rest. By then, the nurses were encouraging my parents to fill out a waiver and write a statement saying that if something happens to me, it would be out of the hospital’s responsibility. I do not know how hard that must have felt to do for my mama.

From day 10 until the present, I am suffering from a bruised left arm aka a hematoma, and also nerve damage on my left hand. At the hospital, all I can think about was that I probably would not be able to play the guitar anymore it was depressing. I have a purple bruise, almost black which I call my “ube cake” just to lighten the mood, but I know that every time I glance at it, it ruins my mood.

My platelet journey:

156 - 100 lower than normal

20 - the brink of death

60 - better but still at the brink of death

65 - a little better but again…

60 - how is it lower? After all the tawa-tawa I inhaled?

68 - ok good, there’s an improvement

160 - I’m going home!

Every time, I would have new Medtechs so I would have to explain the situation of my hematoma every time, but this one stubborn Medtech still continued to try and draw blood from my very purple and swollen arm. She drew the needle three times into my already traumatized veins, and guess what, she drew no blood. Starting that day, the Medtech would draw blood on my right foot. Mind you, they would get my blood at 6 in the morning so I would have to wake up at 2 am and sometimes again after that to eat in an attempt to better my lab results. 

The next day, I was not able to eat and the Medtech arrived at 5:30 in the morning. The same routine, she drew blood on my foot. It was so dreadful because I cannot see where the needle would go and I do not know when. She mentioned how she only got lesser blood than usual but still, it will do. I was worried about the results of my lab that day I didn’t expect to be discharged the same day. 

Day 16 to present: 256!

As a senior high school with so many pending tasks left in school, I knew I had to go against my Doctor’s orders of 3 weeks of no strenuous activities because I need to keep up. I have already missed so many things. Since then, I have had a CBC in the same clinic my papa work in, and guess what, just 3 days in, my platelet was already 256! 6 counts higher than the normal rate. I was getting better! But I still have a hematoma to worry about and a damaged nerve from day 1. I still cannot do a lot of things, like bathe on my own and do other heavy tasks, and also, I cannot play the guitar like before anymore still. I would never wish for anyone to experience the same thing I went through, even if I hate them so much. This was such a traumatic experience and I feel like I could still go on more than 5 pages but eventually, I would have to stop and eventually recover. As I am typing this, my ube cake has become a yellowing sludge on my arm and I still suffer from nerve damage on my hand. I would not want to be hospitalized ever again.