#i hate it and i wanna find my way back
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the urge to start writing fanfiction but i have never written a piece of fanfiction ever and haven't written creatively outside of school projects in years 😭😭😭😭
#this is one of the most painful things my mental illness took from me actually#i used to be writing ALL THE TIME#i wrote on wattpad (not fanfic)#i wrote in google docs#i wrote in notebooks#i wrote on anything i could get my creative little hands on#and i was GOOD at it!!!#i went to a young author's conference three years in a row!#and then i got fucked over by my own brain and lost my spark and ability to do anything without approval from others#i hate it and i wanna find my way back#maybe. just maybe. i should talk abt this with my therapist instead of posting abt it on tumblr#(i won't)#i wish it was earlier in november cuz then i could force myself to participate in nanowrimo#someone kick me in the ass and make me write
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And coloring based on @thegunnsara 's sketch
#OKAY I FINALLY GOT A DAY THAT DIDN'T SUCK ALL MY MORAL POWERS AND I COULD DRAW FOR MYSELF ENJOYABLY#I gotta note that I just... can't find how to draw Prowl the way I will not hate it... Something in the face that I can't find right at all#I don't know how many time months years it will take me to draw him and just all transformers the way I will like XDD#Okay anyway gah tired sleep if I had such a free soul like right now I ohh I wanna come back on tumblr ;;~;;#Also ehgfehge did read Megatron's origin and there was Prowl and if I'm not wrong. Jazz somewhere behind being all bored of the meeting XDD#To be more precise Prowl was making a presentation and giving infor and Jazz looked like he has music in his head#THERE WAS RUNG. AND HIS NAME WAS FORGOTTEN RIGHT AWAY#Anyway I wanna blablabla about plenty of details there but gah#cockroachdoodles#transformers#transformers idw#tf idw#prowl#jazz#rung
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“I could never choose a favorite between all the Gravity Falls AUs, I love them all equally!”
[Later]
“I do not care for Reverse Falls.”
#I don't care for Reverse Falls or Transcendence tbh- but I have more of a distaste for Reverse Falls#I didn't like Transcendence because I find it confusing but Reverse Falls… I have a bone to pick with that one#its such a cool concept you could be running with; but every time I ever saw it back in the day I ALWAYS saw someone sexualizing the twins#it was almost impossible to go through that tag without someone being weird about those two and if made my brain wanna explode#DONT GET ME STARTED ON WILL#I HATE THAT BLUE TRIANGLE#Bill Cipher had so much potential in that AU; Whats the opposite of chaos? ORDER. Make him just as deranged as he usually is-#but in a scary and meticulously organized way!!! it couldve been so cool!!! I don't want that winey blue baby!!! bring me back my yellow guy#anyone wild tag rant over I'm gonna go doodle and eat pizza I guess lol#prince rambles in this chilies tonight
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Jace was totally a Hudol kid right?
He failed wizardry 101 three years in a row, he probably hooked up with your crush, he was voted most likely to be arrested on account of all the pranks he pulled around campus. He smokes cigarettes in the parking lot. He’s at the top of his sorcery classes and his name is on everyone’s lips, he’s Jace Stardiamond and if you don’t know him, then maybe you’re just not cool enough to.
By the time he’s a junior, everyone has an idea of who he is but when he’s alone with himself, he has a hard time deciding if he knows who he is. Every moment of his life he’s been told the whos, whats and whys and he feels trapped inside of the labels and high standards so he takes comfort in the unknown.
For once he finally feels in tune with his magic. He doesn’t need to know where it comes from when it comes to him as easy as breathing. He still has such a keen eye for it, though. He approaches sorcery with such a precision and resolve that leaves people in awe of him, the attention doesn’t hurt either.
He always admired that quality in the wizards surrounding him, there’s no reason he can’t borrow that kind of self discipline for himself if it leads to better self discovery.
Still, he can’t take the way his old wizardry textbooks mock him from where they live on his bookshelf. He finds a home for them far at the top of his closet and doesn’t look back.
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Is2g the way he told Adaine he couldn’t take a level of wizard, “I tried.” And then him saying he always thought wizards were a bit stinky has haunted me since the finale aired. That man has a deep vendetta associated with wizardry, you just know it. That shit haunts him.
#ngl I feel like Jace’s mom was probably a high elf and wanted her kids to go to the most prestigious school in Elmville but his dad was a#human adventurer that just wanted his sons to be happy#they get divorced by the time Jace is 15 and he chooses to stay with his dad bc the thought of going to live in fallinel with his mom makes#him itch#fallinel reminds him of Hudol and he doesn’t /love/ Hudol#his brother does though and his brother is definitely the good boy pragmatist wizard of the family#Jace’s dad tells him if he doesn’t wanna go to Hudol anymore he can transfer to aguefort and he does it. he doesn’t even attempt to try#wizard classes and it’s way too late to find an adventuring party#that final year is kinda a blur but it was fun.#he spent most of his time at parties and hooking up with more people than he could count#also in my head Jace has a brother and then when he’s like starting college his mom remarries and has his sister with his stepdad that he#haaaates#he hates visiting fallinel but he wants to get to know his sister#his dad also dies on an adventure during his college years#he comes back to an empty house because his brother just couldn’t#it’s the first time he’s really left to be the responsible one and he’s not bad at it but he’s so out of depths#he sells the house and starts couch surfing until he sees that Aguefort is hiring for a sorcerer teacher so he takes it#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#d20 fhjy#fhjy#jace stardiamond
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#mom asked me to cook breakfast so I made the usual but for some reason it's too salty apparently#(it doesnt)#so now she's telling me that I'm a failure followed by a bunch of sermon on why I should leave my job and get married to a girl and#shave my beard and don't eat anymore so I can actually be happy and not useless#(apparently I'm not happy now) and also says thank you mockingly. Great mom#what a fun trip#also ive been telling them can we go to this specific shop i wanna see if i can find cheaper steam deck there and they all start getting#angry on me on how selfish i am for just asking that#and how i dont care about my mom because my mom isnt interested on used game stores#like what the fuck#i paid all of the tickets for her here why the fuck am i not allowed to go to where i want#pissing me off#i wanna go homeeeeee#honestly im not excited about this trip no more i just wanna go home and just go back to work and then at night i draw and play ffxiv#the only one excited i have is disneyland on the last day but i can think of several ways they ruin it too#my mom definitely will be like im tiredd go find a chair and so i have to wait for her#i hate this trip
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Friendship is the most special thing in the world because no award could be give me bigger happiness than jumping around in my room and smiling because my pookie asked me if I wanted to match pfps
#SHES AMAZING I LOVE HER AHHHHH#I hope we manage to find a cute bsd pfp it would be literally my dream#little vent tw!!#it's been so long since I matched pfps last time was with my ex who started being wayyyyy too weird..#and the other time was with a friend who started ghosting me some months later just because I didnt give her enough adopt me pets or smth 💔#and like. her stopping talking to be literally broke me as a person. it was devastanting for like 13yo me#woahhh thank you k. now I have social anxiety and keep dobting whether people really want me there or not#I still have a sort of love hate relationship w her but like its been over 2 years maybe 3 why do I still care abt it sm :<#especially since our other bestie is wayy more affectionate w k than w me it just makes me feel so weird like im sort of a 3rd wheel#but at least the friend im gonna match with is the sweetest person ever and we can be silly together :333#unfortunately we only know eachother from a course so we always have to wait 2 weeks to see eachother#and even tho i still see k almost every day shes pretty different now#but ive been feeling so so happy the last few days since school started and im afraid I might go back to being how I was when she returns#because. I bet my two friends will keep being silly together and ill have to sit w my ex again cuz hes still part of our friend group#I mean hes a nice and funny guy but I figured that a relationship wont work with us. I tried it and I just wanna be friends#I have a lot of fun w him but like in a platonic way#and im afraid he still thinks we should be together#meanwhile my besties keep flirting w eachother like??#I mean its pretty funny as a joke but I cant help but feeling kinda jealous especially because I used to have a huge crush in one of them#talked a bit too much ooopssss#Im just trying to move on but I hope k coming back doesnt start everything over again#anyways!! I love my bestie from the course smmmmmm Im still so so happy :D wish we could see eachother more#random stuff#chaos#friendship#violet rambles
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wip while i'm at woooork~
#i couldn't get the idea of kara & kuro singing karaoke together...#kuro would hate going to karaoke & singing in front people bc of how tone deaf they are#( they had a bad experience going to karaoke in college and just hasn't really gone since )#but they'd like going with karamatsu bc he doesn't care that they suck at singing & finds ways to make it fun for them#like picking goofy songs and going all out in singing them so it make kuro laugh#he likes their laugh. not just light one they usually do but the full on cackle that comes out when something's really funny to them#* puts my face in my hands * good lord......#i'm feeling so soft about them rn i'm sorry#hopefully i can work back into this tomorrow after my shift#tonight i'm just gonna try working on finishing writing the outline for the first kurokara lore event i'm gonna post#i wanna doodle some things for it so i might take me a sec to post tho#mj wips#mj rambles
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doctober day 20: rear-view mirror
the REAL reason that the cops and jennifer got to the house before they did is bc they were stuck circling the block for like ten minutes ://
#back to the future#bttf#doctober#doctober 2023#marty mcfly#doc brown#emmett brown#michael j fox#christopher lloyd#my arts#my sketchy wip arts#unless i just cant find a good reference image. im like 99% sure the delorean does NOT in fact have a rearview mirror#like they are always looking in the side mirror and tbf theres a lot of timey wimey stuff in the way back there so fair enough. but yah#them when traffic laws >:(#fr tho i HATE when i wanna turn around but theres no u turn >:// and bc they dont have a mirror they cant even pull into a side street rip#anyway this is stupid LOL i was gonna do something actually good but i was looking at refs and had a brainwave so yuh#also pretend einstein is there >_> i was too lazy to draw him#im gonna finally look at everyones stuff now EYYY !!!!!!! :D#ive been sooo busy its awful (hence lateness) ;__; but im gonna try and do something cute tomorrow (today ig) so yay !
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So the thing about me getting more used to driving is that I have discovered that I am, in fact, a speeder. Primarily on the highway. Less so when I'm making a bunch of turns, bc turns still scare me. But me hangin out in the fast lane thru the whole highway drive and getting annoyed at 2 trucks blocking my way for 10 mins so I had to go five Under... idk going faster means less time spent in the car and I'm going straight Anyways. So like whatever lol
#speculation nation#making sure i dont go Crazy fast bc i dont wanna get a ticket or anything#but a normal fast for the highway? yeah sure#ive found tho that people HAAAAATE me leaving a proper following distance#thats one thing i will not concede on. i will Never become a tailgater.#especially not on the highway. i need space to stop if i gotta slam on the breaks.#hate when ppl ride my ass too. im tempted to find some kind of bumper sticker to tell ppl to back off hfmahfms#one of those 'if you can read this youre too close' kinds of things.#probably wouldnt do shit. but at least it'd be a way for me to speak my mind about it.#and to be clear this isnt someone riding my ass bc im going slow. like i said i have in fact been going fast.#but the worst times were when i was stuck behind another car ANYWAYS#so theyd ride my ass and id be like 🤷♂️ i dont know what to tell you bub#and then bc i leave a following distance (still going the same speed as the person in front of me tho)#they get annoyed and speed to go around me. then get stuck behind the same person i was stuck behind.#and it's like wowwwwww you got to the road block so much faster and cooler than me... do you want a reward... a little trophy...#a good grade at being a douchebag?? youve got the golden star!!!!#so. yeah i have also been introduced to the timeless experience of Getting Pissed At Fellow Drivers and badmouthing them in my car.#i wont actually do anything to retaliate but it is my God Given Right to snark at them where they cant hear me.#also i got an air freshener for my car earlier this week and im lovingggg it#good smell. makes being in the car even nicer. i love my car ❤️❤️❤️
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i have a headache
#i've been stuck scrolling instagram for the past few days#i don't even like being on there#modern ig is so overstimulating everything is either a reel or a reel in disguise or an image post that inexplicably has audio#i kept making myself go on there because i wanted to find a way to make art friends or a community or w/e#and i thought if i had more of a presence and interacted more i'd eventually get people to like. talk to me and comment stuff ig. idk#but ughhhh#i don't think insta is a good platform for that cause it's either pictures with a short caption or the worst media format known to man#like. idk i wanted to find and follow and be friends with and be Cool Artists (don't ask me to define that)#but no artist on instagram is a Cool Artist because there's no goddamn text on there#like if it makes sense i wanna find people who talk About art as well#but not in an art Discourse way#which is another thing. even if instagram had more Talking it would still be shit because the mainstream 'art community' is insufferable#art tiktok is that on steroids#and instagram is is bootleg tiktok#the same five discourse topics jokes memes advice whatever the only difference is now they're circlejerking about ai too#i wanna be Casual and Spontaenous and Mysterious and shit but IG's layout makes me feel like i can't just post whatever#i feel this pressure to give my posts all the same format and add tags and do this and do that and have good Branding or w/e#and it's just ughhh why can't I be a famous enigma (<- doesn't make or share anything)#even on tumblr the pressure is the same#and at the same time i hate looking back on my art accounts (both ig and here) because it just. doesn't align with what i wanna do#like my attempts at categorising and tagging and being consistent#it's just so. yuck#i want to have a Good Brand but i also want to be 'real' but then i look back at my disjointed messy past work and i cringe#i think i need to block my irls from my art accounts bc i feel super embarassed trying to do any typical Get Noticed on Social Media thing#cause it feels embarassing being seen doing shit that's ''influencer-y'' (idk what to call it)#cause it feels out of character to how i actually am in real life#but also why i do want to show my ''real'' character? I'm not cool#and that's another thing I've had these accounts for ages#looking at my past posts makes me fuckign cringe#I want to purge them or start over
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Oooooooough I just got a brainwave for turnabout ghoul and this could either be pure genius or a sign that I desperately need to sleep
Okay so- Prosecutors Gambit, case 3. The angels cookbook. What if, hear me out, there were rumours floating around that it contained some recipes for medicine that would allow ghouls to taste things like a human? They'd still get sick, but could taste things right and it'd help them blend in better. And what if Gusto was a ghoul that desperately wanted those medicines. And what if Delicia was an investigator because the CCG couldn't let that stuff get out. And what if those recipes are still locked and hidden away by Judy until IS-7 is finally cleared up and Delicia lets Edgeworth keep the recipes until ghoul legalization is in a better position and he finally has a cup of tea for the first time in 17 yearssssssss
#I do think that with Samson and Judy one of them is human and the other is a ghoul#Though I keep going back and forth on which#Though I'd guess it'd make the most sense with Samson being the ghoul#Because of that whole scene where greggy finds out what's in the cookbook#But it'd be really hard for him to exist in human jail for so long without anyone finding out and sending his ass to cochlea#So I wanna make it Judy I think#Either way I know in my heart of hearts greggy would take that secret to the grave#(Or should I say elevator (sorry))#Agh I just love the idea of miles feeling so guilty for so long thinking that his father would hate him and be disgusted he's a ghoul#Only to later find out he was one of the best humans for a ghoul to be around#Accepting and protecting and caring#Treating them like anyone else and helping them when they needed him#Gregory would love his ghoul son to the ends of the earth were he still alive#Turnabout ghoul
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Bought a stupid suit thing. Disgustang.
#speculation nation#i got it on sale but it was still kinda expensive. ughhhh#hates every part of that. it's so stiff and uncomfortable and unnatural feeling.#but business professional is the recommended attire... so to that i went...#felt bad staying so close to close but the employees were nice about it at least. and i still got out b4 they closed (barely)#i wanted to go shopping earlier today. in between class and orchestra. but allegedly attendance is required in the lab.#so i went. didnt really feel like attendance was taken. but i still went.#still gotta finish prepping my resume but i dont think itll take Too long... i got a template to follow#from my web coding class actually. bc we just happen to have a resume building assignment this week.#so by working on my resume im working on the lab!! yay!!!#except im not doing the lab resume rn. just the normal resume. the template is still helpful tho.#also need to do a bit of research into the companies that are there and the interview style thingie#GOD this is going to be a whole hassle. i dont wanna wrinkle my stupid suit so i shouldnt stuff it in a bag.#and i dont wanna BIKE in the stupid suit. so im thinking of driving up to campus. forking over the money for guest parking#do the stupid career fair then drive back home to change and then go back up to campus on bus or bike in time for bowling#hopefully. we hope. nonzero chance of having to miss bowling and web coding classes tho. depending on how long i spend at this thing.#ultimately career bullshit is more important than one day of bowling so like. whatever.#but i still want a reward for sucking it up and going to the stupid career fair anyways. even tho i Really dont want to.#im already planning on skipping my first class. he made it sound like it would be fine + expected. so we can go to the career fair.#and that opens up a good amount of time so. doing that. and then hoping i can make it to bowling class...#it's funny to imagine if i didnt have time to go back home to change. me showing up to bowling in a suit.#im not doing that tho. this shit was too expensive to risk it doing physical activity.#BLARGH i am so supremely grumpy going to this thing. i dont want to. at all. i hate all this Professional Attire bullshit.#but i need to... and i already went thru the hassle of getting the damn suit... might as well just go.#i will simply pout and grumble the whole way. until tomorrow where it'll be full social smiles and whatever the fuck.#need to get enough sleep to make talking easier. no time for any fun stuff tonight.#need to find my damn. razor. bc i need to shave my little mustache thing probably. for 'professionalism'. ugh.#kicking and screaming this whole way. man i dont think i even own an ironing board. gonna have to hang the shit up and hope for the best#longest sigh imaginable... i just wanna write....... or play video games...... wahhhh#at least itll be over tomorrow. but then i will have to do presentation stuff for thursday. ughhhhhh
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i keep thinking i rly didnt go thru that much growing up, but idk, everytime i tell someone abt my life, they say i did and kinda just like sit in shock abt it. am i just internet brained or smth, or am i just dramatic?? i rly dont think ive earned a lot of the symtoms of someone who was traumatized that i have. or maybe i havent been in a safe place for long enough to process things??? i dunno. maybe someday far away in the future ill figure things out
#i let myself sit n accept that i did go thru smth.. maybe that i didnt totally remember or that i blurred out the details of n idk#i keep feeling like an imposter n like i shouldnt be feeling it. i didnt rly like how ive been acting#but like also i let a lot of stuff out of the box in my brain doing that n idk how 2 put it back or deal with it#so now i just feel like a half untangled mess with 0 stability bc in that 'growth n discovery' period i realized almost everyone in my life#wasnt someone i wanted 2 keep around#so now its rly just me n my bestie that r close n i keep everyone else at arms length#how tf did i get on rambling abt this omggg#ugh i am srsly such a mess n i cant find the root n i think thats whats freaking me out the most#i hate not being able 2 explain why im feeling a certain type of way or justify it in anyway#i just wanna feel okay n stable n be a fun person 2 be around again!!!!#i wanna be completely independent but like.... everything is so expensive n i have no interest in anything that would pay well#i wish my sw stuff would take off but i think im too messy 4 ppl 2 wanna stick around n also i dont think im super attractive unfortunately#I DUNNO#i dont have any answers atm n its freaking me out#i either wanna figure out how to be okay with not having answers or to get the answers and solve my problems#n i also dont wanna depend on other ppl 2 solve them for me#i just wanna be a whole.. well rounded person who can take care of themselves n do what i want#while also being a cute puppy thats rly rly rly fun 2 play with n is super helpful n supportive 2 the ppl it cares abt 🥰#i am so sick of these silly dumb messy fears n emotions that keep me stuck in boring ruts#i wanna go out n have my own fun n be my own person n stop being so scared of everything!!!!!#its okay if things go bad!!!! its just more stories 2 tell ppl!!!! ppl love my stories!!!! ugh i just needa put myself out there#i just needa find smth fun 2 do that keeps me around fun ppl#i just dont know what yet#concerts r fun but idk no one super interesting is touring here rn n i need smth more frequent#ok i think this ramble is ovr#im rly sry if ur reading this!!!! i love u vry much n hope ur having a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!
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been going out biking every morning and coming back just to shower and literally hold myself from going biking again.....
#just got back and i wanna be back on a bike again SO BAD#can't believe im finding a healthy coping mechanism rn like this is wild also the constant biking is actually forcing me to#eat so i don't go days without a meal as much anymore and i dont fucking#hate myself now that i got this haircut like i don't feel like i should be hiding or dying anymore bc i actually can stand the way i look#act keep checking myself out in car windows like woah.... this is crazy.... need to put a spell on my hair so that in never grows out act...
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ohhh i knew i shouldn't have screenshotted that thing hhhhhouuuhr
#just me hi#so i'm trying to find the canvas that i drew this comic on that i Screenshotted cuz i thought 'oh yea i'll just go back if i wanna post#later' and i Lost the canvas ????#i can't find the dang thing!! i have looked and looked but it's nowhere in the project folder#so that means i have to check my misc folder. which is So Much it'll take forever cuz idek what i was working on when i drew it#ik i was taking a break from a bigger thing i think but i don't remember what it was ?? aaaauuhhh#which yea i could just post the screenshot but it's blurryyyyyy and it really really bothers meeeeee hkgfjsv#and i hate sharpening unless it's very deliberately for noise </3 Man lmfshv#it's not even that big really... i could just put a layer over it cuz i left the grey canvas underneath too lmao.....#i mean..... man it's annoying me hghfjhsv#//w/e w/e w/e though. in Other news hgfsj#i finished uploading my stuff to my player!! very cool very sick :D#took me until nearly 2 a.m. but i got it >:3#/mnmn also i commented on a fic a while ago and subscribed- the author responded and then like 10 minutes later a new chapter was up#does that feel like real magic or is that just me hgbhfhs#/and what else? uhh think i'm gonna do a big hid piece again :3 he's fun putting in Places so i think i'll do that lol#i am Dreading doing backgrounds but it must be done !!! for my. health or something hgkfhs#perhaps a grocery store.. or a park.... or the palace cuz the last piece i did for that didn't look too great pfsh#yea tho... things........#//i'm gonna go clean up that screenshot :( even if it makes me feel very itchy on the inside lmao :(#been getting very itchy-on-the-inside about stuff recently. hou- is that annoying or what lol?#/but YEA okay i'm on my way hfsh :3 toodlesssss
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There's nothing wrong with people having their dearest most specialest blorbo be Eric ztd it is unironically good for the ecosystem and I always love seeing the different perspectives from other fans but what I am here today to ask is why is no one like that about Mira. whatever happened to feminism.
#every categorically insane man in this series has their dedicated fans and every popular character also has a bunch of red flags so like#to be fair no one's too crazy about Lotus or Alice either hm like people either outright dislike them conceptually because of their designs#or you know just have an appreciation for them as characters but not quite focusing on them much at all#like me#and like are the tropes that make up her character problematic? yeah! that didn't stop y'all from liking Saito a whole lot#now he's better woven into the narrative of the game he's in but then my point's back to Eric lol#like it is just fucking ludicrous the amount of stuff in the whole Series not to mention the game Alone that she's responsible for#but it does feel disconnected (being responsible for the Kurashiki's parents deaths)#frustrating (being responsible for injecting Phi whith Rad-6)#and overall just kinda glossed over? (beheading Junpei and killing off D-Team that one time because she was in cahoots with Zero)#so like I get why people wouldn't like her she's a bad plot device but THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING#THAT'S NOT REALLY STOPPING ANYONE and it's not even like people are very vocal about hating her either#at most I've seen it be lumped in with some major complains about the game like as a whole#the way we find out so early she's a serial killer it's kinda shocking but not really? it ends up as just kinda ridiculous and underwhelming#imo that's the whole game but again even when it comes to people who Do Like this game#anyways free to reblog I Do wanna talk about this but I am absolutely Not putting this in the tag lmao could you imagine#like is the trope of having one big booba female character per game and for it to be a Defining Characteristic kinda not great? yeah#but also like shrug#we've let Uchikosh get away with worse
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