#i hate it I feel like a clown literally
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i had to do things that don't align with my beliefs (wear makeup), I apologize to the spirit of Andrea Dworkin
#personal#when girls are like putting on makeup is so relaxing my brain cannot commute#i hate it I feel like a clown literally#it's for my childhood bestie's wedding#the dress is sorta not appropriate but I don't have anything else..it's kinda too cocktail-ish rather than evening#I am nervous and also disappointed that she didn't ask me to be her maid of honor#we are neighbors literally bathed togheter ate together slept together#went to school holding hands together and sat in the same desk#crazy how we are different people now#i frankly wouldn't wanna go but we are neighbors so it would be disrespectful not to
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well looks like im never leaving california! if any of u guys need reproductive healthcare i will house all of you im not even playing
#this is just the tip of the iceberg too like there is a literal genocide happening right now and the fact that its not a dealbreaker for#ANYONE pisses me the fuck off#my best friend is palestinian and its very jarring to see news outlets not even bother to MENTION the genocide rn#'foreign affairs' like ok kys#HOW DID WE LET THIS HAPPEEENN#harris pisses me the fuck off bc she went around parading right winged policies to appeal to republicans#instead of actually building a strong foundation#-> but yeah sure lets waste our fucking time trying ro pay celebs to endorse u!#'kamala is brat! KYS KYS KYS I FUCKING HATE YOU LOT LIKE PLEASE GET SO REAL#i hope they all feel like some fucking clowns rn#i feel siccckkkkkkkk#also im sorry nonamerican followers for americanizing your feeds but#ive been radicalized since i was like 9#AND i studied social/political documentary and film in university#so boy do i have a fucking lot to say abt the state of the world rn!!!!!!!
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i really hate when cis men call me handsome. you do NOT fucking mean that
#i hate anyone assuming i wanna be called handsome just because i'm a trans man. i know what the fuck i look like#and i only trust SOME trans people to call me handsome and genuinely mean it. i don't need forced validation#i think the only people i feel 100% comfortable with and actually flattered by when they call me handsome are lesbians lmao#i literally prefer for people to call me pretty. or just call me attractive or cute or beautiful or sexy or gorgeous or whatever#but i'm a kinda weird-looking androgynous guy with super long hair and clown clothes. ''handsome'' does not suit me#and i highly fucking doubt it's the first adjective that comes to mind when you see me. so if you don't mean it then don't say it
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It's rant time
I swear every time a person says "Alina was a little girl/teenager" and "the Darkling was a weirdo for wanting her" my peace is replaced by an immense annoyance.
So just because the Darkling is immortal he's not....allowed to have a relationship?? So what, he must remain single and alone forever otherwise he's gonna break your white moral code? Do all immortal creatures must remain single and not have a partner?
Since when was Alina a "little girl"? She was seventeen, a certified adult by the Grishaverse standards since people are considered adults by the age of sixteen. So where did the "teenager" term came from?
And bold of you to assume that the word "teenager" even exists in this universe. In the Grishaverse you're a child and then you straight up become an adult at the age of sixteen. There are no teenage years for them.
And these passages from "King of Scars" prove it:
"She's barely sixteen" - which probably means that sixteen is also the age where girls begin to get married. In this case, Elke Marie will get married even sooner and no one bats an eye (everyone except Nikolai who tries to find an excuse to not get married).
And let's not forget the fact that Alina was immortal while she still had her powers. So if she had never lost them, sooner or later she would inevitably end up with Aleksander. The only other creature who could be with her.
Literally no Grishaverse character was disturbed or raised eyebrows for Alina's age. They all chastised her for wanting the "bad guy". Because it was the choice that made them revolt not the age, since she was an adult by then. They expected much from her (to rule, to lead, to fight) because quite simply she wasn't a child.
This babyfication of female characters in every piece of media has become a trend and I don't like it. You people will never accept other fictional universes' rules and you will never allow female characters to have depth and complexity. Alina had a sexual desire for the Darkling, she had feelings for him, she wanted power and she had her own darkness inside her but you will never get her out of the "she was just a little girl" description. You make her even worse than how she was written.
And it's evident how you have no problem with Nikolai proposing to Alina and even suggesting that he wanted children with her but everyone raged when the Darkling showed interest and sexual desire for her.
#I'm literally so pissed right now and I'm not even sorry#take your hypocritical puritan ass out of my sight#I have complicated feelings about Alina's character myself but the way some people treat her??#“that sweet baby” “she did nothing wrong” “she was just a child”#what travesty is this??#either take her character as she is (a complex one) or shut the fuck up#and about the Darkling just say that you hate him instead of saying random bullshit that have no base to support your “argument”#you're only making yourselves look like circus clowns#also if you don't like this kind of dark complex stuff then why do you read them??#the darkling#pro darkling#alina starkov#rant time#darklina#pro darklina#alarkling#pro alarkling#king of scars#grishaverse#shadow and bone#aleksander morozova#pro aleksander morozova
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No offense but trans-masc/trans-man headcanons about Arya are so incorrect, I'm sorry. I can't even take them seriously considering this fandom's desire to separate Arya from girlhood/womanhood. I would love it if people would stop trying to divorce female characters (and real women) from their identities as women just because they aren't traditionally feminine.
If we're talking about actual good-faith interpretations, ones that actually work with how Arya is written, then trans-femme is a much better fit. Arya has never had the desire to be a boy or be seen as one, she is fiercely insistent on her identity as a girl and corrects people several times, she doesn't consider herself a "real" Lady because she's not one in the same way her mother and sister are (!!!), she has self-esteem issues from her looks and ability to perform feminine tasks, she actually spends time pretending to be a boy but never considers herself one or enjoys doing it, as time progresses she loses the ability to pass as a boy (!!!), etc. Look at the material!! There's so much there to discuss from that perspective! Arya's non-conformity and how that fits into a society with such strict gender norms is fascinating and there's a lot to discuss there, but calling her trans-masc is one of the laziest interpretations to come up with.
#arya stark#asoiaf#It's wild cause I literally never see any other character separated from their gender identity like Arya is#Arya isn't even our most non-conforming character (female or otherwise) and yet it feels like she gets singled out for this treatment#probably because characters like Brienne + Asha + Sam are more associated with romance than her and as progressive as people claim to be#they aren't actually interested in queer identities + relationships and their larger implications go figure 🙄#her feelings about being a Lady are so intertwined with society's (misogynistic) expectations like ughhh it's such a well-done conflict#I just wish people weren't such illiterate clowns about it#Arya doesn't like sewing or wearing dresses and wants to be more than a housewife and people go /this is a man/ :/#it's like seeing people portray Arya with darker skin than her siblings...the way this fandom acts I know it's not being down in good faith#can it be done sincerely by people interested in exploring queer subtext? 100% is it often done so? almost never#no hate to people who genuinely make these headcanons this is for the people who hate viewing Arya as the girl she actually is#justice for trans-femme!Arya cause it works so much better then any other identity people force on her#though it is hilarious to me that people act like complicated feelings towards gender are impossible for cis people to have lol
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honestly if I were ever to throw the Suitehearts into any of my Killjoys stuff the dynamic would literally be the stupidest thing in the world. you do not want to have the Four and those guys together in any setting. it's a recipe for disaster. Jet and Benzedrine bitch and bicker like old ladies. telepathic warfare is waged via a complex language of glares and eyebrow movements between everyone in the room. Sandman makes a wholeheartedly joking comment to Ghoul like "I want to study you in a lab" and Kobra Kid gives him a black eye on the spot. Crab and Donnie end up playing hide n seek with the Girl until someone else who isn't aware of the game accidentally dumps a whole dude out of their hiding spot on accident and then gets elbowed for it. everyone hates each other but they're also kind of pals in the way that people who occasionally help each other out but don't see each other outside of that can be. that kind of thing
#they're SOOO insane everyone hates each other but they're also bros. do you get me?#I have a couple random fic concepts where they have to help each other out and Jet literally has to mediate so much bs#like we do not have sandkid in this house. those two are trying to maim or murder each other at all times.#I feel like there's times that one or both of them has to be physically restrained.#party loves em. hates all of their guts but loves em.#IDK MAN the mental image of sandman making a dumb comment to ghoul bc he just. jokes around like an idiot as his default#and kobra just instantly sucker punching him for it... vivid mental images fr#I also think in my universe the 'hearts are a traveling circus (in that they're all frickin clowns lol) and just go wherever they're needed#as far as the idea that benzedrine is like A Doctor yknow? bc I am in fact taking that angle#he was like a resident med student in the city and crap went down and made him a little bit off his rocker and he ran for the Zones#and sandman was born out there and just. found this odd new guy intriguing.#donnie and crab are related in some way. crab is mute (nobody knows if it's selectively or for physical reasons). donnie#is kinda the brawn of the group. he will physically restrain any of the others if they're getting out of hand. it's wild#she speaks!#danger days
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oxley bom pod was talking about the friendly atmosphere in the paddock today and they brought up vale as someone who would make himself hate his opponents in order to beat them. they mentioned biaggi before saying vale didn’t need to make up a reason there lol, and the gibernau, stoner, lorenzo, marquez. thought it was interesting to hear them say that especially since oxley specifically had a particularly close working relationship with vale!
got around to listening to the podcast rather belatedly + had a chat about this general topic that helped me organise my thoughts on this a bit. I transcribed the most relevant comments - probably some small errors because of cross-talk and like... I'm a fast transcriptionist but can't be bothered to properly do it, here:
O: One is because racing is so fucking complicated now. [...] They've got so much to do, so much pressure - to have the negative energy of anger and hatred is actually - B: It's a waste. O: It's a bad thing, you're just wasting your energy. I mean it depends on the character, okay - B: So maybe Vale was the last who really needed to hate somebody to give him - and now even Vale invites Casey to his ranch to ride with him. But he really needed to - It was not difficult for him to hate, but he - Some riders he really looked for a reason to hate them even more, because then he could dig deeper in himself - because he was just a happy chap - in order to beat them. O: Max Biaggi. B: But it was easy to hate Max! That was not very difficult. Sete Gibernau, basically he needed to try - O: Casey Stoner. Sete Gibernau. Marc Marquez. B: He hated Vale probably before Vale hated Casey! But that's another podcast. O: Yeah, I think so. No, definitely, definitely, definitely. [...] Some people - they get fired up by hating other people, and that's fair enough.
so yeah. I mean, qualified agreement, I guess? they're definitely right about casey hating valentino before valentino hated casey lol. if valentino ever really hated casey at all. which is not necessarily a mainstream take, so it's nice to hear it!
I also agree with this general take about... y'know, the creeping professionalisation of the sport and how that affects how likely you're going to get fun drama. goes beyond just hours spent looking at data and also about... having a bit of a life, having time to actually form a personality. and as I've said before, it's the fans! clickbait news + social media featuring partisan fans, who aren't just going to read every statement but also react to every statement like it's life or death shit. pecco and jorge have gotten push back for some incredibly, deeply, ridiculously mild comments these last couple years. they HAVE to phrase everything they say as inoffensively as possible while still getting their points across, and even then they'll generally be jumped. like, forget valentino, how do you think casey would have fared in this current media environment? up against a fanbase as partisan as valentino's - or marc's nowadays? not well is the answer! I think to some extent you can get away with this stuff more depending on people's perceptions of you, so marc and increasingly pedro will generally be fine... but on the flip side, the pecco's, the casey's, the jorge x2's of this world... everything they say gets read in the worst possible light, but now everyone's just so much louder about it
but this ask was more about valentino than the current landscape, so I'll get back to him. I do think it is a bit of an issue if you frame it as a completely either-or issue - at the end of the day, most competitors will probably motivate themselves through their enemies at least a little. pecco definitely uses negative emotions to fire him up, people criticising him and the like. casey absolutely used them, often directed at valentino. all the comments from the haters to fire them up right, to show everyone how wrong they are. on a psychological level, there is not something *fundamentally* different between using your rivals or the fans or the press to motivate yourself - it's still the same underlying motivational process (and indeed the podcast references lawson's distaste for the press). casey signs off his first every grand prix win by saying how nice it was to beat a spanish rider sponsored by the circuit, like are we calling that pure love for the game? he and mostly martin and to a somewhat lesser degree pecco do share a tendency to... believe the world is out to get them, and use that to fire themselves up. idk if casey strictly needed to do that or if it was just ingrained at a young age and became a stable self-perpetuating way in which he viewed the world but also, it doesn't really matter, right. maybe in both valentino and casey there is a pure unpolluted soul who could have enjoyed winning just for the sake of winning, but in practise it's clearly more complicated than that. as has been recently discussed in quite some depth in this parish, late 2007!casey was getting sympathetic interview write-ups that described his mentality as informed by 'bitterness and rejection'. including bitterness at valentino, who at that point in time was not meaningfully reciprocating any of that stuff!
so I do have a bit of a bone to pick with this idea of 'the last guy'. valentino didn't 100% motivate himself by hating his enemies, the blokes after him didn't do so 0%. I think of the aliens casey is probably the most similar to him by this metric... some are definitely less inclined to do so. lorenzo's a bit of an odd case where at times it felt like he was better at making other guys hate him than necessarily hating them himself... complicated guy but I think he actually really did want to mostly fuel himself in a positive manner, except then for various reasons both external and internal he needed to also draw a bit more from. the darkness. marc is more likely than either valentino or casey to just fight to win for the sake of winning... then again you do have cute little incidents like misano 2019 where marc - off the back of two back-to-back last lap defeats - miraculously happened to find an extra bit of motivation through a spat in qualifying after duly harrying the yamaha's all weekend. again, it's a question of degree, right. marc is just inherently less restless than valentino and less inclined to think the world is out to get him than casey, which are all contributing factors
with valentino, I think I disagree a teensy bit in terms of framing more than I do in substance. first off, not to be a broken record on this, but obviously all of these feuds were very different, involving very different emotional landscapes. I don't think it's correct to say valentino needed an enemy to fire himself up, but he did always need something. some mission to dig his teeth into, some way of making the whole thing exciting. of making it fun! I'm not all that convinced of this happy-go-lucky characterisation of valentino - a lot of the time he had to go to an awful lot of effort to keep himself entertained, and when that didn't work he could get pretty miserable. he needed to keep himself stimulated, he needed to stop himself from feeling lonely, he needed to give himself a purpose to work towards. hatred did help him in a motivational sense, and he's talked in his autobiography about how anger has made him ride faster. it's useful... up to a point. it's just not a uniform thing across rivalries
my sense is that it comes down to two things. 1) he needs something to motivate himself and get excited, be it a rival or whatever. and 2) he needs some distance from his rivals. motivating yourself through a rival is not quite the same thing as motivating yourself through an enemy. for instance!! casey was only really his enemy once they were no longer on-track rivals - it was unrelated to actual competitive calculus, and was in some ways more about casey than it was about valentino. when valentino did that shit to casey at laguna 2008, he's not like... mad at casey. he doesn't hate him. he's gleeful at least in part because of how obviously pissed casey is, but he doesn't hate him. because he doesn't need to hate casey to want to beat him! casey is already so considerable a challenge that beating him is reward enough in itself - he's this super tricky puzzle for valentino to work away at... and when he comes up with the answer at laguna 2008, he's delighted. he doesn't really hate jorge in 2009 either - dislike, yes, hate, no. he's already plenty stimulated by the challenge of beating his feisty young teammate... he doesn't need anything else. he gets through 95% of the 2015 season with barely any animosity with his title rival - there, he would have seen it as distracting from his primary mission of winning his tenth in a way that was entirely disconnected from any particular rival. he also runs into the problem that it feels like any psychological warfare feels like it's getting aimed more at marc than jorge - but that's entirely accidental, he isn't TRYING to fuck with marc in the middle of the season. why would he!! and jorge refuses to be fucked with on the track because he's just never in the same postcode as valentino, and valentino isn't attempting to fuck with him off the track. he's barely even doing like,, mild mind games, like they're quite actively friendly the entire year
(I do sometimes think you can do a bit of displacement here where you don't necessarily need to hate the person you're actively fighting to get the job done - cf marc at misano 2019, also... tbh casey 2011-12 kinda had that vibe where he was getting all that energy out of his system in valentino's direction and could then keep things civil with his actual title rival. there's a LITTLE bit of that 2015 even pre phillip island but mostly valentino does have a more early 2008 'we move in silence' vibe or whatever that pecco tweet read. this is the restlessness thing, right - he kinda needs to fill his brain with SOMETHING)
which brings us to the second element: needing some distance. zero problem with biaggi, which is kinda the training wheels feud in that it takes a bit of a life of its own before valentino REALLY was intending it to. he's a kid (literal eighteen year old) who's kinda snarky about biaggi in the press and biaggi takes it EXTREMELY poorly and confronts him about it and it kind of spirals from there. with casey + jorge, valentino ensures that they never GET too close. I do think there is an element of... y'know, not wanting to be close friends with the guys who are your title rivals, because it's harder to beat people you care about and deprive them of the thing they want most in the world. which I actually think is pretty normal!! valentino's problem is that on a few occasions he has ended up in rivalries with blokes he was at some stage close in - and either he preemptively withdraws as with marc and... ? probably...? melandri...? - or the relationship deteriorates and then blows up as with sete and also marc. the 'preemptive withdrawing' bit does suggest a degree of self-awareness with regards to his own competitive process - and as has been previously argued in this parish, valentino's relationship with marc developing as it did was in large part due to his competitive situation 2010-14. the two of them falling out was probably always going to happen if they were competing, the two of them falling out that badly required valentino's stint in the competitive wilderness to let him lower his guard to such an extent
so that's the argument in broad strokes. yes, valentino can use enemies to motivate himself - he certainly enjoys having rivals, he enjoys fucking with them, he enjoys figuring them out and measuring himself against them and also a little bit of competitive edge. that doesn't mean he needs enemies per se, or certainly he wouldn't have seen some of his rivals in quite such extreme terms (casey in particular of course felt differently). he did need SOMETHING to motivate him... rivals, definitely - enemies, perhaps. and he also needed a bit of distance from those he was competing against. which post-sete he tended to preemptively enforce, except that one time when he didn't, and when it wasn't preemptively enforced it did have a tendency to blow up rather spectacularly. so in essence, you still end up at the same conclusion, right - valentino did get a lot out of having enemies, did motivate himself with them, did need to beat someone. but the working process is a bit different as I see it. sometimes making enemies is about emotional regulation, y'know. feuding as a healthy outlet for competitive tension. as it should be
#'why does nobody do drama anymore' says local social media user who exorcised a rider they're not a fan of for a mildly bitchy comment#don't like to vague post but i remember posting that thing about valentino saying everyone's too nice these days#and seeing some interpreting it as a dig at pecco. but like i'm pretty sure valentino has a baseline level of sympathy -#- for the amount of stupid discourse pecco faces! that's quite literally *in the stuff he's saying in that interview quote*#//#brr brr#clown tag#batsplat responds#idk i do think there's SOMETHING about the idea that athletes are too busy to hate each other but...? surely not entirely#ive refrained from saying this before but like. full disclosure. just this once.#i think part of my problem is that EYE motivate myself in competition in quite a. negative way#so for obvious reasons i also find the casey/valentino approach way more instinctively relatable than love and friendship corner#*tennis player voice* idt hating people takes any effort at all#like this isn't distracting. it's easy#the real trick is hating them while also chatting to them in a friendly way at every opportunity to make it harder for them to hate YOU#and that's where we'll leave that!!#but idk maybe it's because where i come from u see people's faces when ur competing against them#like you are deliberately making somebody whose face you can see miserable!! you need to do SOMETHING emotionally about that#everybody needs to learn to manage this. if you're up 4-0 it's so fucking easy to feel pity and so fucking dangerous#some tennis players can go into robot mode or something but i can't!! i will feel something for my opponent so it cannot be empathy#idk if this is 100% projection but my sense is with vale he kinda inevitably engages with the people around him for better or for worse#and if you're like that you do kinda have to make sure you really really really want to beat your opponent. otherwise you have A Problem#i think a lot of discussion of the psychology of these guys could do with returning to how they are actually there to like. win shit#u don't always have to pathologise that like it is Part Of The Game#'five feuds is the sign of an empath' no i'm not saying that. but i do think he's an emotional rider and not everyone's quite like that!!
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in my mind there r two majors spheres of interest ive accumulated over the last several years. one of them consists of cartoons & lighthearted comedic media, bright primary colors, clowns, rubber ducks, toys, etc and the other one consists of horror, red black and silver things, violent crime fiction, gore, symbolic cannibalism etc. and my brain wants to connect them SO bad but the only connection it allows is to get rly excited over the fact that bugs bunny is in skinamarink
#also horror clowns as a connection is NOT acceptable for me for some reason i just fucking hate horror clowns#like i dont find them scary i jus hate them n think they r lame. get that blood off that clown doll little guy needs a bath what r u doing#i feel a bit self conscious abt the 'edgy' stuff i like sometimes bcz i feel ppl might see as like. cringe#like woah edgelord over here sure likes weird dark stuff like the pg-13 anime death note and the most popular fictional cannibal of all tim#but then i realize how inherently funny it is that a guy who feels literally no shame whatsoever abt playing w wind-up toys and clown makeu#would b embarrassed to tell ppl that he likes silence of the lambs an shit#like somehow THATS the thing thats gonna make ppl think im lame an immature. like. girl. b urself or dont what is this#also if u dont know what im talking abt im talking abt how prest-o chang-o plays on the tv#an influences the demon/monster things actions bcz it copies proto-bugs#an yea ik he hasnt made his official debut yet but i mean ben hardaway had already drawn that guy. that's Bugs' Bunny. directed by chuck jo#ok no more#should i have a rambles tag#charlie words#hows that
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Maybe it's the result of my main fandom for the majority of my life being one where canon just genuinely doesn't exist, where there are so many different canons and literally any sort of interpretation of a single character is correct and can range from a moronic maniac with a chainsaw to a depressed old asshole boss, but
Literally who gives a fuck about canon?
Especially when the character is practically a blank slate or if it's an AU
Like, I'm sorry, but if you're butthurt about a mischaracterisation of a fictional character in an Alternative Universe then I don't think you understand what an AU is
#thylacines can talk#Maybe that's the reason I do not have the same violent reaction to mischaracterisation 99% of fandom spaces seems to have#I genuinely think that getting butthurt over somebody not writing a fictional character exactly how they appear in canon is the stupidest#most juvenile pet peeve you could ever have. Literally WHY do you care so much? It's words on a screen. Calm down.#I think it's only a problem when you believe that it's canon or try to shove your own interpretation of a character or AUs onto everybody#else. Otherwise...literally who cares? Somebody else treating characters like dolls is not hurting me. I'm not about to get legitimately#annoyed over fictional characters in a children's cat book. Unless it's like. Bigoted. But then I criticise the person's beliefs not a#goddammed characterisation of a fictional character.#In the fandom I was in most of my life a trigger-happy clown with a chainsaw canon and an old deppressed asshole boss were seen as the same#character and only had like. One design detail in common. And literally nobody batted an eye. You could write a dynamic between two#characters being incredibly hateful and toxic and somebody else could write them as old friends or an old married couple and both of these#interpretations would be equally canon. A single guy could have two wildly different personalities and backstories and he'd still be#treated like the same character as long as the two looked vaguely similar physically wise. Sure there were interpretations of characters#that were more popular than others but literally the only people who would treat one specific interpretation as canon and shove that#interpretation onto everybody else would be people who came from different kinds of fandoms and let me tell you. They were annoying as fuck#So coming from that kind of fandom into more generic mainstream fandoms feels like such a culture shock. Genuinely cannot comprehend why#people care so much.#'oh this character is so far from canon they might as well make an oc' okay...cool...and?#Maybe they don't want to make an oc?? I mean come on. It's fictional characters. You're an adult. It's not a fucking English class#People don't come to fandoms to study book literacy they come here to have fun. Literally WHO CARES if somebody's interpretation of a#character has only name and looks common with the canon version. WHO CARES. ITS WORDS ON THE SCREEN. Who are they hurting if they're just#making AUs in their own corner and not shoving it in anyone's face?#Idk I just see a characterisation I don't agree with and just go oh. Kinda weird but go off. And move on.#This got longer than I meant it to but whatever#I mean if you have that pet peeve but aren't an asshole about it. It's also whatever. That opinion also doesn't hurt anybody. It's only#people who act so butthurt about it and shit on other people having fun that I have a problem with. If you put it on your own blog and#criticise that sort of content in your own space instead of coming to somebody and going 'hey. I don't like what you're doing'. Then I#couldn't care less. Again. That's kinda weird but go off#It's kind of like. I like horror but I dont care if you dont like horror and talk about it in your own space. But I'm gonna care if you#go up to horror fans and go 'hey I think horror sucks' or 'I dont like horror so you shouldn't either'.
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Hey.
#i feel like im so desperate for attention its kinda disgusting#but at the same time like. no??????? 💀#i literally dont do anything isnt it a basic human need to want attention (or something like that i guess 😒)#but no i guess i hate myself soooo much i cant even want to speak to ppl#idk. im weird. i feel weird.#im literally such a loner and kts evident with my interactions. i probably look like a clown. I'll never do this right i swear#i cant even be called a friend. i dont even talk to my irl friends! im just so boring. theres nothing interesting about me.#im a 'nice' person thats it. i dont really like anything#i dont hate anything too badly. im a people pleaser. im disgusting. tbats ot#thats literally it.#i really should've just stopped trying ages ago. but im not good at that#im sorry for not giving up.#honestly im so selfish thinking things like these. my thoughts are so swlf centered. sigh. i wish i could think about things other than.#yknow. my feelings?#oh boy time to hate myself again#oh. i need to stop this. I'm gonna cringe over this in the not so fistant future. im so embarrassing.#expresso the depresso
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28.04.2023
So much happened this week. (In tags I'll rant about it)
N4 is coming and my prep is not at all good. Took a test today and i failed🥲. But i know my prep is soo bad,it was bound to happen. So have to study for that.
College exams are coming🥹 also have to study for that. The dissertation proposal is in the finalising stage,so that's good. But have to work on it properly imo.
Then i also proposed another research study to my professor and he has encouraged me to go for it. So,also have to work on it.
These very cutu plants in the scorching heat were a treat to eyes and mind.
Got this book from the library and I'm really enjoying reading the essays.
( correction in a tag- she scored less than me in class and she was all sad sad. With her i had to suppress my happiness at moments like these)
#here i go#so here in this clg i have 2 friends mainly they are my classmates and one is roomates also so thsi roomate is very toxic i kinda knew it#from the start but ignoted it bcs we became friends when we used to have online lectures and haven't met each other and somethings happened#in which she helped me so i was kinda obliged to stay w her. and after sometime i kinda strted feeling it. all the bad vibes#the toxicity she carry for other ppl judging them on their appearances and whenever i trued to correct her tries to manipulate things#like she jas all of the mean girl vibe but i the clown couldn't just had the courage or ways to not be w her i so wnated to but couldn't#it was all so fucked up and living w her. i changed i started judging ppl. this was so bad. she went through soem toughtimes and as i frien#friend i cared for her i was there for her almost all the times and most of the times whenever i needed her she was not.#tries to dominate always and the incident due to ehich I'm writing all this is - I'm not earing well properly well from past month she know#and last sunday i was very excited to this dish and i wanted to take more and she said very rudely how much more will you eat? i said i did#not had lunchand almost didn't eat the ehole day what's yhe nig deal abt it why tou saying and stopping me like that and she said i did not#say it she said again i did not say it with that rude voice like she can never be wrong and ppl wjom i rarely talk to have noticed that#I've lost weight but she who luves wirh me almost all the time do not know it whom I've talked to abt this don't knwo it . i didn't have#any appetite after that i just stuffed the food unsideand went outside wiyjout syaing anything 8 wanted ro puke so bad i controlled my#i couldn't beleive what just happened i didn't try to talk to her and she obviously wouldn't bcs of teh ego and then there's another friend#and classmate of us and she has a great bond w her then after taht incident she is also not talking ro me and. avoiding me in the corridor#making me feel like I'm the onw wrong here and thwse 2 ppl were not on talking term a week ago again ego calshes this other girl didn't#so yeah i got snakes here#now I'm all alone but this feels great literally like yes i cried and couldn't sleep bcs even tho i knew they are not always what they show#they were the only obes here i was able to form a bond with ( i hate this part so much now)and i care abt friendships alot but it ended#they are not talking to me I'm not talking to them. but thus whole thing made me free now I'm free i don't have to wait for them everytime#i want to go to library or to a class or to a walk bcs they wanted everything to be done in a grp#and I'm going everyday out to study to walk and to jyst peacefully live bcs now I don't have to deal with negativity and toxicity anymore#i feel myself again my trye self who was kind to ppl who wanted to just study quietly in evening who wanted to just go in class on time#i don't have to feel that if i di this will she judge me I'm feeling free with what I'm wearing I'll enjoy and celebrate all my wins#and achievements of the last year bcs i couldn't even enjoy those when i was with her just bcs she didn't got less tahn me#I'm smiling more nad I'm loving more myself to actually avle to come out of thsi spiral i didn't even know i could so yay#listening to you're on your own kid in loop and it made me so happy#that's it done. there was so much to say ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hope you got some idea of what's happening in my life#sending you all love and light and if you find urslf in somesimilar situation or any difficulty rn hope you get out of it very soon<3
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i cannot believe they killed off nightwing and batgirl in the same fucking episode
#the harley quinn show#harley quinn#no they should actually be locked up for this. bc wtf WTF!!!!#NOT MY BABS!!! MY BABS!!!!! NOT HER!!!!!!!#i love the babs in this show SO SO much if she’s dead im going to scream and then kill myself.#also why did they do nightwing like that. they made his death into a joke and it feels kind of flat tbh like why kill him off.#what r u doing with this plot point. because so far it’s literally nothing#i feel like they just did it for the funsies and i hate that. i really enjoyed the batfam parody in this show even tho they were constantly#clowning on him. lmfao.#still not over babs tho. i don’t think she’s ACTUALLY dead but i do not trust them after this.#the harley quinn show spoilers#harley quinn spoilers#dc#mossy posts
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i know steve dangle's overenthusiastic overinvested thing is his shtick, but i think it's legit that kind of talk that just like... contributes to the nightmare way ppl talk about the leafs in media lol. like we wonder why it's so bad but there aren't a ton of levelheaded people at the center of leafs fandom in any way.
#like...... todays lfr.......#kinda just pisses me off#the leafs have dealt with adversity wonderfully this season and one loss (after a WIN THIS SEASON) isnt emblematic of that much#i get that some ppl have been with the leafs and followed them a long time but like#ur expectations that the leafs arent capable of things is not helping anything... like theres never a reset for them#even when its not that simple....#i feel so... nfjdjdjd protective of the leafs honestly. ik its just frustration from fans#who have been around forever but it bothers meee that the narrative going into the playoffs will be theyre just gonna lose again#by their own fucking fans doing like . everyone else can clown but when u have guys acting like a random january game#against a team on a historic paced season is just. silly#i get that it FELT like playoffs but it was not#we literally beat them earlier this year. we hadnt lost to them in like 9 games or smth coming into that... its just#me getting triggered by everyone else getting triggered but im gonna need ppl to have some BELIEF#IDKKKK i feel the need to vent every time. i dont think breakdowns saying this is why the leafs are losers is a good thing to do after#a game they could have won fjdndjjd... like hes the same person that was callin them to blow up the team at the beginning of novem#its just. contributing to a media market thats already a nightmare for them. not helpful...... hate to see it#yes im coping but acting like the leafs dont want things bad enough is so stupid#ur not a coach and ur not even giving them helpful advice or breaking anything down analytically so like who are u helping...#everyone else seems to be a big fan but some of that consistently gets on my nerves#ANYWYA rant over gotta go to work#i love the leafs theyre winning the stanley cup this yr goodbye
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do u ever speak too soon & immediately regret it.
#yes this is about the trade that just happened three minutes ago#clown shoes of prophecy in the tumblr tags#no i am not Doing Well#I THOUGHT I WAS GODDAMN SAFE FROM THE BRUINS#to be deleted but i am literally resisting the urge to screech like a feral animal in the gym right now i am being soooooo normal#WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME PERSONALLY SPECIFICALLY I’M GOING TO CRY INTO A HOLE I CAN’T DO THIS NARRATIVE IT’S ONLY DYLAN LEFT YOU TOOK HIM#i have to pretend to be normal :) i have to take an exam :) and function as a human being :) instead of crouching like a bug on the floor#and then i will come home and open up the notes app i made two (?) years ago that says ‘if tyler bertuzzi ever gets traded it’s-’#& everyone will be suffering with me. sorry not sorry for the influx of sad bertuzzi posts that are coming like i have Such a relationship#with him as a player &i know he’s the worst but also it really sucks to watch every guy you thought was the core of ur team get traded away#purely narratively speaking in all bemoaning etc etc etc except for the part where we don’t have a gritty net front presence now &#who’s gonna be larks & lucas’ winger & i just cried about tyler in a fight the other day because mickey said ‘i’m sure he wants to protect#those hands but sometimes you can’t you gotta do it for the boys’ & i think mickey said ‘they’ as in the team wants him to not hurt his hand#again but he has to fight & if that isn’t also v much a part of the old gods detroit it was always tyler champion of blood & guts & giving#& regardless of hockey (EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT IT WAS FOR DRAFT PICKS I HATE DRAFT PICKS WHAT ARE U GONNA DO WITH THOSE like at least if#it’s for a guy i could maybe learn to love him but you never remember who you traded to get those draft picks unless it’s narratively r#relevant later but right now it feels like it’s for nothing & i don’t want to learn to love some new guy in five years i miss tyler already)#anyway. ik full well this won’t cause me to actually finish tyler borzoituzzi bc i haven’t even properly started it but i can dream of spite
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@curiositykilledtheradiostar
Yes I die and come back. Yes you've seen it happen multiple times. But it would be NICE if you acted a LITTLE surprised every time. You don't know what it's like when you're dying in someone's arms and he asks you if you'll make it back in time to play Crash Team Racing later
#au where akari (and only akari) remembers days deaths#its only akari bc i feel like anyone else would be worried#but akari hates days guts so shes down to clown on them once its obvious theyre fine#akari: youre still gonna do those sketches of the ralts line right. this isnt exempting you from that#day: i am literally bleeding out#akari: and you wont be in three minutes#i also feel like its twice as funny if the only person who remembers them dying loathes them. incredible opportunities there#oc: sol
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if you make clothes that have big tags that cannot be removed without breaking important seams that cause a hole to be left in its place once removed, i hope you die a thousand deaths
#clown rambles#i hate feeling like i’m actively breaking my clothes but i will literally have a meltdown if i don’t remove the tags
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