#i had a really terrible couple of days
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31. Celebration
[ID: A black and white sketch of Red Hood being accosted by children dressed as Robin for halloween]
#dc comics#jason todd#dick grayson#aaaaah i did it#i had a really terrible couple of days#and i feel bad that this isn't that good#but oh well#happy halloween everyone#red hood#nightwing#sketches#batober 2024
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juvie buddies
#alek art#td duncan#td mal#total drama#total drama all stars#(if i want to get technical)#2024#duncan is around 15 here... mal is around 16#ive thought really hard about them these past few days . in my brain they actually knew each other and canon is different#duncan and mike got along really well. in juvie mal refused to speak to anyone about anything and would fight as many people as he could .#he wanted to stay in there and far away from home . they get roomed together and duncan is the first person who mal can talk to . he isnt#scared of him . he relates to him a lot . like -> wow we both act out for attention and people think we are terrible because of it#duncan being a mentally ill teenager seeing mal an also very mentally ill teenager thought 'i can fix him' . mike and duncan speak too here#i cant really see anyone else fronting besides those two . their brain was on lockdown and mike wanted out so bad . i see manitoba as a#gatekeeper so hed handle some sessions with their psych. i want to say they (duncan and mike) get moved to a psyche ward just because#i have more knowledge on being in one and how it goes ... but yeah i like duncan mal a lot . this art isnt ship whatsoever though 🙏 i dont#see them as a couple their dynamic is just better as friends imo#but anyways in all stars they obviously recognize each other but have an unspoken agreement not to say anything abt it#duncan is a known criminal but mike isnt like that . mike hadnt even told zoey about that part of his life . so duncan wanted to respect his#privacy -> then mal starts hurting people and he has to step in . mal isnt a good person by any means but i dont think he was that bad in#juvie . so duncan had to come to terms that his friend wasnt the same person he was years ago (in all stars duncan is ~18 and i think mike#is almost 20... so it had been a while since they last talked)#them getting each other like no other and being in pain because they couldnt really speak . i see them having a conversation still in moon#madness abt their past and history . god i just think abt them and their wasted potential wdym mike and duncan were in juvie together#duncan was in for trespassing or destruction of private property or something really dumb . mal fought his parent(s) and got in for assault#mal was already in when duncan was placed . and duncan was let out early on good behavior + his parents (dad) mostly did it to teach him a#lesson . wrong of them or otherwise . so mal was just kinda stuck there until they realized he was actually not right in the head . think he#knew abt their DID but was only diagnosed in juvie and had to go from there . tbh he shouldve been tried as an adult but td logic . doesnt#matter dw guys . mike gets the 'was put on random meds that made him go braindead' treatment bc that was me . post mental hospital abilify#had me messed up
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Every time I revisit the comic I feel people around Ai were fortunate to have her
she's really kind inside. She loved everyone so much.. no wonder her name means love
#oshi no ko#oshi no ko spoilers#hikaai#hikaru kamiki#ai hoshino#many took her for granted..overlooked her pains!!! but they won't get someone as good as her so easy(that's why everyone misses her now)#I don't really want to blame her bf..he had terrible things going on and he was a kid too. he's all right on this regard in my opinion#BUT THE ADULTS#they just tossed her in the industry and thought she'd fare well all on her own and Ai really tried. She did her best. that's so realistic#hopefully people will be more attentive and kinder to each other in real life#doodle#spoilers#aand I'll be off for a trip.. I won't be able to draw the next couple days!#I'll miss drawing~
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Oh.
#according to facebook memories (why do i even have that still??) 12 years ago today i saw Linkin Park for the first time 🥺#in a few days it'll be 10 years since the last time i saw them#and. hm. there's a lot that surfaced this days since clancy dropped and i'm a bit more emotional / sensitive than usual#and this is. well. making me extremely sad.#12 years ago. i remember as if it was yesterday. i cling to that day so much and i'm scared of forgetting about it#i wonder how 14 yo me would've reacted if she knew.#they were my first gig ever! i remember the 2nd song was given up and the people around us started moshing pretty hard.#so much that my shoe came off and my dad had to shield me while i crawled and looked for it hahaha#it was so fun! i didn't really know that was a thing#that day was the first time they played Lies Greed Misery - it had been released just the day before#my videos are SO blurry but i still have them all saved 🥹#idk i've been in some typa mood these past days. not necessarily bad at all but.#me and a couple friends had a very important conversation 2 nights ago which was GOOD but. the bad thing about letting everything bottle up#is that once you spill it's hard to deal with. and yeah this is. idk. i'm just venting here like. ignore me.#it's just really hard for me. i miss him terribly and i'm really scared for myself because i *know* i'm back in the loop#and it feels so hopeless sometimes. maybe this is super silly but i'm so thankful that Clancy came out now because OH BOY i need it#maybe it's not the best strategy to put so much faith? importance? in like. music and other people but#man. i genuinely don't know if i'd be here if not for certain songs/artists etc#idk I'm rambling lol. i might delete this later#probably. maybe. i try not to talk too much about this here because i tend to deal alone but. sometimes it's nice to send things to the void#anyways. support your favs. talk to your friends - even if you much rather not. don't be like me and let things rot inside.#🤍#darya talks to herself
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puppy barnes copium
#ed 2389473298#ed tw#<- just in case. because i guess it kind of is#i think it's fun to think about the specific ways he would struggle#a couple years ago i stopped being able to eat meat for maybe 4ish months because seeing it made me feel sick#i think like w all the blood on his hands (even pre ws) he'd have a hard time going back to eating meat normally. does that make sense#like with that metabolism he would need a shit ton of food to get him through a day#so i'd imagine not being able to keep enough in to sustain himself would do a number on his recovery#it's probably something he would have dealt with for a long time too because once you fuck your body up like that#it's hard to come back from it. he could and WOULD it's important to note that he can (and did) heal#but i wish there was more in-universe content about what he was going through. alone#after eg in particular because he was obviously very lonely before fatws#he very obviously was doing terrible no friends no family and that therapist was doing an awful job. so#even in wakanda we don't really see him especially close with anyone at all. he had a bond with ayo clearly but it's hard to say how close#they were when none of it was showed#and then he fucks off at the end of fatws like no come back. you're not done#world's loneliest puppy#capwoof
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#I've been sick the last couple days and today i did a terrible job at hydrating so now its 1:30 AM and I have a migraine#haven't had one in a while and only just discovered i didn't put my soft ice pack back in the freezer so its not cold#so im stuck using a rigid one wrapped in a towel and it sucks ass#really want to take my migraine meds but in the past 10 hours I've already taken dayquil excedrin and my night time meds#which there were a couple hours between the dayquil and night time meds but i feel like theyre canceling each other out#don't have any nyquil unfortunately#kee speaks
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some ppl that work in healthcare... really shouldn't work in healthcare.
(heavy heavy tw for medical situations & death/child death in tags, do not read if you're sensitive to it... I'll delete this later just had to vent)
#ceci speaks#nonsims#delete later#was just thinking about all the terrible things ive heard while being a hcw#from fellow hcw#and reporting it never helped because it was all shitheads all the way up#then i see more assholes going into that work and its like#really#ive experienced so much death since covid started and truth be told#it messed me up pretty badly and changed me as a person#im not the same person i was four years ago#and i wonder#would it affect you the way it affected me#would you change and grow some empathy if you had to see that many people suffer and die#even with some of them being terrible people it still hits you somehow#you think youre tough and youre hot shit when youre in school#and a couple years later youre not even blinking when youre trying to get blood out of a dead three month old#but when you go home you hyperfixate on the fact that it could be you or anyone you know at any time#i remember the christmas i watched three people code and die the same day#and the baby that already had rigor in their little feet bc theyd been dead in the crib way before they were even brought in#im not even a nurse im in lab for gods sake#but lab and rad dont escape this shit either#and i think if youre already a person with low empathy#the trauma must turn you into some of the people i worked with that just hated everyone they came into contact with#being cruel to patients or discriminating against them#why even go into that work if youre that kind of person#and i dont mean hcw have to be angels#its a difficult and grueling line of work that is underpaid and understaffed#but how hard is it to not be fucking evil#dont become a hcw if youre a discrimatory evil fucking piece of shit is what im saying
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#been thinking about Noa and Hugo lately#i know i've had him pine over her a lot#not like in a super pathetic way? i imagine he would play it cool most of the time. he's been rejected plenty of times before#but more like he wants her attention and approval but he doesn't exactly know why#i mean he wants her. he knows that#but i don't think he'd really say he's 'in love with her'#even if he really feels that way about her. even if her companionship is something he NEEDS as a human being#because i do think he's lonely. but i also imagine he'd be somewhat proud about that considering he has a massive ego#like he's cool and and a badass and doesn't need anyone. a lone wolf#but that lonely feeling does sting after a while#and it's kind of the same case with Noa. at least being lonely and desiring companionship#BOTH of them are asses and no one can really stand them being around tnem#but they CAN stand each other. they may be a little different but they're pretty like-minded#and that's what i love about them#because at the end of the day they're partners. both 'in crime' and romantically#it might take some time to get there though. and a whole lot of issues to work through together#but they do end up happy and being terrible to everyone else as a team#like an evil corporate power couple lol#sorry for rambling i just wanted to talk about this#it's been on my mind lately#otp: golden shot
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not to be mentally ill but today when i went for a walk in a nature reserve i was climbing a hill and it was cold but so so sunny and everything looked beautiful and i saw so many cool things and i stood there and was like damn what's this feeling in my chest and why am i smiling so much?? my guy,, it's called fucking happiness. i was just present and content in the moment and couldn't contain myself so kept doing the silly arm shake thing i do and grinning at everything and then was like woah what's this feeling. fuckin, happiness dude.
#think the arm shake thing might be stimming (??) i referred to it as pogging and was informed that i've been using that word incorrectly#but yeah stimming ig#the arm shakes!! we all know them...#anyway do you ever get the feeling that other people experience happiness differently to you?#idk last week i was v depressed and now ive had a couple days in a row where ive been giggling with people and ive been cuddled and kissed#and today i took myself off on a walk and i was so so happy and then as i was walking back to my car#i had the gut wrenching feeling that i needed to text my parents that i'd been outside and had a good day and saw multiple cool animals#and that i loved them. because i suddenly got really worried that i would die on the way home and no one would know i'd been really happy??#even though id literally sent my bestie loads of photos and texts and a literal voice note while staring at a robin lol#anyway and then i was floored by the realisation that i carely deeply about whether i died or not#because i was pmsing last week and that is a terrible time for me and i end up being kind of passively suicidal ig#so to have such a big change in the space of a week was a huge shock#these tags are sooo incoherent and span so many emotions#i promise i've had a really lovely day. i just am anxious all the time and depressed sometimes#in a way that is harder to predict now my periods have stopped.#im realising this is the kind of stuff that should probably go in my diary but i've got this far with the tags that i can't be asked.#if anyone is still reading#you do not have to respond to this or like it in any way. i promise lol
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i’m fr gonna lose my mind :)
#been a minute since i’ve ranted in the tags on here hi hello#so i have this friend who is driving me absolutely insane#we’ve been friends for about a year or so and when we first met we clicked right away and got super close and hung out all the time#we met at work but neither of us works there anymore and it feels like our whole friendship is falling apart now that we don’t#i literally have not seen her in person once since the last time we worked together (march)#and even before that we didn’t hang out outside of work since december of last year#and i have grown very used to having friends that just do not put the same amount of effort as me into our friendships and it’s sucks#so i was starting to make my peace with the fact that we just weren’t really friends anymore#but then a few months ago she started texting me asking me to hang out all the time and she seemed way more like her old self#and immediately i got sucked back in and was all excited to see her again and have her back in my life fully#but she completely flaked on me three times in a row (not even cancelling our plans but waiting until the next day to give me an excuse)#which like i said i’m unfortunately used to but she literally was the one who invited ME to hang out every time#like why are you initiating plans with me and then ignoring my calls and texts when it comes time to actually hang out#then a few weeks ago she texted me again saying we should go to a concert together bc we hadn’t in a long time#and there happens to be a concert i’ve been wanting to go to on the 31st but had no one to go with#she said she was totally in and really excited and i bought the tickets a couple days later and texted her to tell her i had#got zero response for almost a week and then she texted me yesterday saying we should hang out this week#so i said yeah let’s do it but also this concert is literally in 2 days are you still coming with me#and no response! again! so now i have 2 days to try and find someone else who can go last minute bc it seems unlikely that she will#and i’m just so fucking confused bc why do YOU keep reaching out to ME just to flake out at the last minute every single time#like at this point it feels like she’s doing it on purpose just to see if i’ll keep tolerating her bullshit#and part of me wants to just cut her off bc she’s been a terrible friend to me for months at this point#but i can’t bring myself to do it bc i miss her so much anyway and when our friendship was good it was really fucking good#like i considered this girl one of my best friends and now it feels like she’s just playing games with me bc she’s bored#which sucks extra bc last year she was there for me when literally none of my long time friends were#like it’s bad enough that it seems like our friendship was conditional on us being coworkers#but it hurts more and more every time she reappears in my life just to ghost me again like genuinely why would you do that#so i’m really upset and pissed off rn and i have no idea wtf to do about the concert bc idk anyone else who likes the artist enough to go#vent#lj.txt
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#I have spent. 8 almost 9 hours resetting my laptop. I chose the option to keep all my files but uninstall apps. and it has been restarting#and installing for almost 9 hours. yeah I get that the process will be long. but ffs#I have been bored the past few hours so I watched the smile movie bc I got reminded of it yesterday#it was pretty bad. the couple gorey scenes towards the end were nice but some of the acting and writing was just terrible#I was also hoping the movie would’ve taken a different turn. I think it would’ve made it more.. idk. I can’t think of the right term.-#-it just would’ve made it better I think.#I’ve also eaten a lot today. more than I usually do. more than I have in months and years and im upset about that. im already bloated.#I hope I don’t work tomorrow. I have to call in in the morning to check. and I don’t mind working but rn I just kind of want to spend the#day relaxing#I’ve spent almost 9 hours on this resetting part. and 4 extra hours trying to simply repair it in restarts#I also need to clean up my room. a lot of it. and clean my pets cage. it’s ant season now and im really stressed about that#the smell of sharpie returns and I am just. overwhelmed. I have 3 days to prepare for my special week long activity and im not happy about-#-that.#I also had some feelings earlier that im stressed over too.#im being vague about that bc i just don’t want to go off about that to everyone#im tired and overwhelmed i just want my laptop to finish resetting so i can stop fretting about this. i want to sleep#im tired. of so much#to delete later
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I should really be avoiding screens today, but I'm not.
#I'm tired and terribly scrolling is easier than doing what I need to be doing#even though I had a terrible migraine all of yesterday which had actually started the day before#my head doesn't really hurt today but I can still feel the residuals of it#And I agreed to go to a lacrosse game tonight a couple of weeks ago and I'm low key dreading it#but I know that I will at least enjoy the company if not the game itself#it's just that I'm so tired and it's going to be worse when I do eventually make it home
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fucked up my shoulder. every three weeks i have a random minor ailment to endure
#almost tripped down the stairs but caught myself. it was really a nonevent had i not braced myself so tensely for a fall that never came#upper arm felt funny but i shook it off. went about things. threw a rope for halliwell a day or so later#and there’s a weird terrible pop / snapping feeling & now i’ve just had mild shoulder pain for a couple days#it feels very. hard / grinding and it’s weird! it’s more inconvenient than it is painful
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I will be honest. I am having a hard time.
#last month we had to move my boyfriend very quickly into a new apartment because his lease was not renewed#and I had to use almost all my savings on that#my mom got married last week and she’s really bad at planning#so I had to pick up a lot of slack for her#I got shafted on my shift bid and am starting it today#it’s 12:30 to 9 Monday thru Thursday#this is the worst shift I could’ve gotten#which means my stats are terrible and I’m lucky I’m keeping my job#but also they tell me they like me? Idk how to feel#plus my bf works nights and has trouble waking up#so I’m terrified he’s going to get fired if I’m unable to be there to wake him up#I still work my second job one day a week which does not pay nearly as well#but if this new schedule destroys my life I will have to go back to it#I feel like such a failure#also don’t remember when I got my period last#I’m terrified of everything right now#I’ve taken a few pregnancy tests in the last couple weeks and they’ve all been negative but my god#idk what I’m gonna do if that happens#personal
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one of the funniest things is still when youtubers read fanfiction of them
#when they aren't uncomfortable bc otherwise it's just. uncomfortable#watched Danny Gonzales and drew Gooden read a fanfic of Danny x drew fanfiction (terribly written im lowkey wondering if it's not a joke#fic)#and like it was so funny they#they really ask the right questions neither of them shaken by 'Drew's always had a crush on danny' or whjne one of them got pregnant#but they were so confused on how they could get a paternity test that showed the baby was Logan Paul's (i think? or Jake Paul??) but like#the day after the pregnancy test was done#which was ofc a couple of hours after they fucked. obv#but like theyre joking sm it's hilarious
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Ignore
#delete later#as awful as the past couple of weeks have been in terms of intrusive thoughts and random waves of panic and intense emotions and#blankness. there have also been random patches that have been. okay. and that is how i know my medication is working#bc the times ive been like this and not medicated? there has been no reprieve#like although i feel. awful and useless and am internalising my work failures in a non helpful way that im trying to fight#i am having moments of#hey we're okay. they raised an issue in a way that was gentle bc youre a good employee usually. and honestly although you#feel terrible for fucking up. someone you care about very much died a month ago. you have been experiencing a mental health#almost crisis (i refuse to call it a full crisis bc im not self destructing really badly) and quite frankly the fact that you're functioning#at all is. pretty decent. youre trying. i am of course having moments where im convinced that they hate me and want to fire me immediately#but that has no evidence. and the fact that i know it has no evidence is a pretty insane piece of progress#shout out to my therapist from two courses ago who drilled the moral shit into my head.#she genuinly helped me a lot with this.#also was really really hoping for the usual christmas bonus this year bc my finances are tighter than usual but the company had a#lean year so no bonuses for anyone. so dont have the leeway to try out sliding scale therapy for a while. but it is what it is.#this will pass. its just been a rough four months and i havent had a break. ive also been waiting fir thr other shoe to drop at work#and it finally has so i can at least stop torturing myself over maybes. im getting my meds. i can refer myself to nhs depression#therapy. which will be mostly useless and the same as it always is but it tends to help me feel like im trying to progress which is still#helpful in some small way. it will be what it will be. one day at a time and all that jazz#this is also how these things go for me. i lose it slowly over a month or so. have a horrific couple weeks until a day of a genuine#full breakdown. i survive that day and the day after and then slowly start clawing myself up again. ive just had a few breakdown#days this time. what can ya do. is what it is. im sure I'll have another breakdown soon as i can tell im not done crying#and will almost certainly have a breakdown at my parents bc i am not good at hiding the dead eyed look and mum will#definitely clock im being weirder than usual with food and touching things. so there'll be a#anyway nevermind. ill do what i must
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