#i guess there was so much more happening i dont even know anymore
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yknow what i honestly never realized that bill canonically called ford 'fordsy' though like i kept reading that in fics and being like. yeah i can see him saying that but idk why everyone latched onto that-
but no i went and watched some clips from the show to remember how bill sounds and when he said fordsy it was a fucking jumpscare. WHY DID ANYONE EVER THINK THESE MEN WERENT GAY AS FUCK?
#i literally watched this show in the summer and it feels like i didnt at all. maybe i *should* rewatch it. or at least part of it#and if i do then itll be in a post book of bill (for me) world. weird!#gravity falls#bill cipher#ford pines#billford#shrug!#HOW DID I NOT REMEMBER HIM CALLING HIM THAT THOUGH. LIKE??? HOW DID I NOT NOTICE#i guess there was so much more happening i dont even know anymore
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the closer we get to arcanes finale the more worried i am bc so often .. if not always .. things i like end in a way that i dislike so much it ruins everything else for me
and im so worried they pull a 'this is a multiverse' thing bc then they can say every skin is somehow canon bc its all different universes you seeeeee and jayce went mad bc he lived through all of them or something, or force it to end in a way that makes the champions end up like they are in game- Vi is a shitty cop, Jinx is just heehoo craycray bc xyz etc
#ganondoodles talks#personal#arcane#sorry i cant help but be rather pessimistic#and i know with the skin universes its kinda a multiverse already but like#a multiverse and different AUs are a different thing for me#i cant imagine how they can make this all end in a satifying way with just three more episodes with so many questions still#like the thing with isha and vander only happens so jinx loses every bit of sanity she had left and Vi goes welp#time to be a shitty enforcer#and then singed takes warwick again and makes him full wolf like in game and theres no connection left anymore bc his memory is fully cooke#or some shit#i REALLY dont want to be pessimistic but uh .... it usually happens with whatever i like and it has scarred me a little#i dont even know whats up with mel either??? they did the whole black rose stuff but#thats pulling in so much lore from noxus ... HOW can they make sense of it in 3 episodes?????#unless they make it a shitty teaser for more to come or soemthing i guess??#.. in any case- whenever i tried to be optimistic and then got disappointed anyway it hit me way harder#so im just gonna go with expecting the worst i can imagine so theres hope left to be surprised in a good way#after all they did go with warwick in a way i really liked for act 2 that is ... though the end im meh about#not a fan of the weird hexcore bullcrap in general tbh#though i like victor ... he was so nice to warwick .. even though i wish he wasnt a cult leader now lmao
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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slept like 15 hours, which is great, but also (seemingly) spent that entire time having one long, incredibly vivid nightmare, which is. not so great
#and the thing abt nightmares is that they stick around#even tho im awake now. i know im awake now. i still feel like im there#or i guess more specifically i still feel like the things that were true in the nightmare are still true here#namely: that i had a stage 4 brain tumour and had been given weeks to live#which. i get _why_ thats what i dreamed abt#id been looking up my recent symptoms and a brain tumour was mentioned as a potential cause uhhh multiple times#not that i actually think i have a brain tumour#i dont#but still#i guess my brain held onto it#its dumb cause most of my nightmares are simple straightforward shit like someone's chasing me n trying to kill me or w/e#or theres some apocalyptic disaster#things that suck in the dream but that are usually p easy to “leave behind” once i wake up#like i know no one's chasing me anymore bc im lying in bed not running around or hiding or w/e i was doing in the dream#but this one was so. normal#i was on _discord_#i had to tell my _friends_#my brain keeps trying to file it away as a waking-world memory instead of a dream-world one#not to mention it clearly wants to pick up where it left off#like no. you dont have to tell me what wouldve happened next. you dont have to remind me of how i felt in the dream#_it didnt happen_#anyway#glad i got so much sleep at least
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one day i will post eriks art .and rhe world will sing
#i love him so much . i wish we had more of him T_T sry 2 vash for ur trauma or whatever#hes like .#every time i read a story n grow attached to a chara im like . u know what you need to do#grow out your hair and grow a shitty beard 2 make urself (me) feel better#and he listened .. trimax ch 1 and 2 best day of my life fr#its like .my favorite character design IM SRY OK!!! ik its overplayed but its so yummy . to me#vash#eriks#trigun#i like the way its currently set up wherein ww and vash meet like Technically once and then eriks arc happens and he finds him again#but a smalll part of me is like . what if that happened later in the story and when they knew each other frl . which i guess thats what#stampede is getting at but idc . so#but i do like the way trimax went w it anyways bc there wasnt room for that once vash got moving again#he was determined ‼️ to end it once and for all HSKAGA.hm#dont even mnow what im getting at anymore .#anyways stream eriks frm trimax .❤️#that sc of him and ww walking 2 the fake vash .love the composition love his outfit love the energy
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#one of my longest-time friends just sent me a bunch of texts that basically said#'i need space. cant support you right now but please reach out when youre stable & moved out'#like how....how much more space do they need?? we only see each other once a month and maybe text a handful of times in between#and like i would reference our friendship anytime i'd start to spiral about how everyone leaves around the 3 yr mark#like 'no leah thats not true. you have andrew and you have X. they've both been friends with you for longer than 3 yrs'#but i guess i cant even use that benchmark anymore to ground myself#because now they've left. they're fucking gone#i dont even know how to reply to their texts i genuinely. dont know what to say#the urge to move to washington D.C. is stronger than ever. just get me the fuck out of the west coast#but if i am going to be so very honest the urge to move is one step removed from the urge to go cliff diving off a hundred foot cliff#i feel like throwing up#how do i fuck up friendships this badly how is this a repeated thing that has happened since 14?#what am i doing wrong. why cant i connect to people. why dont they want to stay connected to me. what about myself is so fucking abhorrent
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#just found out that my brother actually went with me to gerards show in köln in 2015 lmao#like i KNOW i went to köln berlin and copenhagen but i only vaguely remember some thing from cph#but he just found his tour shirt again and was like haha remember? :D#and i was like NO??!?!?#and he remembers nothing but thieves as the opening act and all and im like---#i actually had to google bc i know ive seen nbt but i didnt know when#i dont remember ANYTHING from köln or berlin i only remember some bits from cph#bc i was front row and got a setlist and got to meet him and stuff so like. it was a little more significant#but it creeps me out that i dont remember even a bit from the other shows#like ive been saying for years 'yeah i went to see him 3 times' but im only just repeating it as a fact but i dont have like. memory proof#of it happening?#and i lost some of my old concert tickets in the last 2 moves so i dont even have physical proof anymore i just have to trust that my#repeating started out as a correct fact and not a lie#which. i guess my brother is confirming it to me bc he even remembers me leaving for berlin so. 😐#i know i was extremely fucking depressed in 2015 and i know people are saying over and over depression leads to memory loss but damn#gerard and mcr have been so important to me for so long youd think this was significant enough to stick but i guess depression really just#eats everything up huh#idk.#its feels really weird hearing someone talk in so much detail abt something you were there for but you cant even remember it yourself#and its totally irrational but im a little angry that he remembers like you dont even care abt it its not even half as important to you as#it is to me why do you get to remember and i dont#mmmmmmmmmmmmmm#😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐#anyways hit like and subscribe for more oversharing of thing i should talk about in therapy instead of online
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i so badly wanna make a cringe upset vaguepost somewhere where i know my friends will see it and confront me about it but it's not worth starting shit over just yet so i'm here
anyway i hate when you can feel yourself being phased out of a group
#like it's not even subtle#i can just. tell they don't want me there anymore#and i cant even be super mad and say they were always fake or they always sucked because it's not true#because they loved me at some point and i loved them but like#now it just feels like they're them and i'm me and we're just. tolerating each other#separately#all but one of them haven't properly talked to me in months#and especially the one of them who i thought for so long was my best friend out of all of them#i just don't know what i did#to make them suddenly change up#because they've known me for years and they did love me but now that's all gone and i don't know what happened#agh#this is probably the first time i've vented on tumblr?? w i guess#there's just been so much and i've been shutting myself up about all of it because i just felt fucking crazy for it but i'm so tired#im so tired of not saying anything but i'll just have to keep not saying shit#there's no point#i dont know#vent#i guess#AND THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME MORE THAN ONCE#SO. YEAH. I HATE IT
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i spent 3 months watching gilmore girls and i finally finished it and a year in the life and then netflix is like hmm what should we recommend... gilmore girls season 1 episode 1 is starting in 3 seconds
#against my better judgement i watched a year in the life again and it was so much worse the second time. i only watched it when it first#came out and then forgot everything that happened because it was so bad it didnt even have to be that bad but it was so bad.#like this might be an unpopular opinion but god whenever they reboot shows or do like a reunion the magic from the original is just gone#that came out wrong i dont mean the original show loses it's magic but that the reboot is missing the thing that made the original special#like ok spoilers and also unpopular opinions but there was just like no chemistry between any of the cast anymore IMO. imo dont come for me#i have no idea what the actors were doing or what they had to move around to make cameos or whatever but just imo alexis was like on another#planet i have no idea why rory was like that. it was just so. routine and expected ? like they were acting how we would expect them to act#but it was just so insincere? i guess is the word#like season 7 sucked and we all know it but god season 7 was better than a year in the life in retrospect#the ONLY good thing about a year in the life is emilys story like good for her finally living her own life and finding what she loves#that makes sense and that all adds up like love that for her.#im biased because ive been a jess girl since i was 8 but jess. fantastic. sucks that he's still in love with rory but hes doing great fine#lane deserved more than that that was bullshit that she was there for 5 minutes and sookie too like#from what i remember melissa mccarthy couldnt be in it or didnt want to or i dont know but i didnt like that they essentially made sookie#abandon jackson and her kids idk.#christopher i dont care about but PARIS deserved more as well#dont get me started on the wild plot omg.#but that's another thing that ruins the reboots is they just try to add such topical references and it just ages so badly imo#and anyway im just so confused. rory is still sleeping with logan but she has a boyfriend whose name she cant remember but also#she's having one night stands at comic con ?#all for the show to end with SPOILER her saying she's pregnant ?#? ? ?#?#ok.#like. they ruined her character a long time ago but they just completely gave up in this.#lorelai is lorelai i expected nothing else so it was boring i just. think this was the wrong show to do a reunion with i dont know.#i didnt watch it but i think the friends thing is the best way to go where they dont make new episodes but just bring the cast back together#like it was so much better with us all just imagining luke and lorelai got married and had another kid and rory went on to be a journalist#and that was that but here we are
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aww its kinda cute finding me complaining abt my dads whole lisa thing from 2017. honestly so overshadowed by everything else and also i was so annoying when i was 12 aw .
#did not realize how many of my journal posts r just vents and it all looks so silly now RJRBJFBFNG aw hun. its so funny that i was#complaining abt my mom treating me like a therapist in 2017. <- his ass did notttt know. its like watching a guy standing on the train#tracks and complaining about a car driving past.#sry . i ended up on quotev just 2 look. ive never actually looked at my like activity feed very much whenever i go back but its funny bc it#rly is a more accurate glimpse into whateve was going on for miss kami (my quotev nickname).... like yasss. you hate your dads girlfriend#and her kids that is a nice problem to have#its also embarassing bc like my ex gf is just all around in here . i made a vent post like I get it im not enough and i dont matter and im#just a tool for you to use 😡😡😡 and she commented “yesss tell the world”. SO FUNNY?#and i found her being excited abt our 5 month anniversary#delightfully 12 year old activity. i do not like her very much at all and idt i ever actualy loved her#not in a bitchy way in a like. i literally questioned if i was aroace the entire time we were dating#she asked me out with a little note passed in class like circle y/n and i literally thought to myself Hm well i guess i dont have anything#going on. and circled yes. which is so funny. hun?#anyways. that all imploded bc we were 11 its whatever.#sigh. its just nice to remember the little problems i had. like obviously all this is after my dad choked me out in public and threw my dog#and etc but its still technically the beforetimes. yk. and ik the zoo isnt rly the most pressing of my things that have happened to me#anymore but its still like. Big. yk. even if i mostly just have to Be fine about it now or else everyone will think im being an awful piec#of shit asshole for still being upset. Ok sorry#also when i call my 12 yesr old self snnoying i mean it in an loving way like. its only right to be kind of annoying when youre 12 yk...#and also 12 year old kamille is Not here rn so i can be a little playfully mean to her. bc shes such a 12 year old#idk i just struggle a lot bc i am so like. far removed from everything that happened atp were on like 4th or 5th generation post that#and i struggle to put myself in That kamilles shoes and remember she was a kid yk. like obviously ik i was a kid ik i didnt deserve that#but when i try to like. put myself back in the situation and try to force myself to remember that exact day (dont do this btw . it does not#go well LOL) but i always like. i try to rebuild the events from the ground up but im not Kamille age 12 im me. witnessing everything#i wont ever be able to remember it How it acrually was i couldnt even fully remember it like a week after the fact yk. itis what itis#sorry i should prolly tag this i rambleddddd#a2t#child abuse#implied but we#animal abuse
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#kinda fucked up that 2020 feels like it was just yesterday#and i was like 'damn i guess i havent really felt like a person since then'#but i know that's not true because i didn't feel like a person before that either#I've been in a slow downward spiral since getting covid last year and remembering that the whole time i was in school#i was just doing it because thats what i was told i should do#i dont feel like I've made a single impactful decision ever in my own fucking life#i talked about it with my therapist last year but i cant responsibly afford to go back to her anyways#and its not like ive made any real progress on anything#i probably haven't seen a doctor since i was in high school#i dont know what i want to be called#i dont know what i want to even DO with myself#because I've just been doing whatever my mom says to for so fucking long#i shouldn't have gone to college until i had something i actually wanted to do#and now i have stupid ass loans and for what?#not a fucking degree!#i dropped out four years ago and havent done a goddamn useful thing since!#i feel stupid and useless and directionless#i miss my friends#i wish there was something i was at all good at but i cant even get rid of things i dont want because i dont even know what that means#because if we're looking at it objectively i dont want *any* of the things i have right now#i hate my clothes i hate my room i dont use any of my art tools anymore and even my physical body is rejecting me#i can't even SLEEP right#fucking hell#delete later#my birthday is in a week and im lowkey wondering if it would have been better if my mom never had me lmfao#I've done nothing I've said i was going to do so whats even the point#I've got a cat I've gotta look after for a few days in november so obviously we're gonna keep cruisin but GOD i dont wanna be here#my issues arent even that bad in the grand scheme of things but because theyre happening to me it feels so much more intense because well#my life is the lens in which i experience the world lmfao#ive pretended like everythings fine for all my life but these cracks just keep getting bigger and im really not enjoying that at all!
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you true crime types are soooo annoying. you never let go of ANYTHING. Alex was right about you xoxo 💋💅🤭
im going to shoot you point blank in the back of the head execution style
#guys dont come for me i didnt mean it#idk if this is too far but idc#im fed the fuck up#i dont wanna hear about alex and i dont wanna get any more hate i just want everything to be normal again#im a normal fucking person just like every single one of you. i dont know what i even did anymore. so much has happened since then#i didnt think that showing my emotions one damn time on here would be so insane and change everybodys lives#and this isnt even scratching the surface of the hate im getting. thanks for nothing to all my followers i hate you guys like actually#you guys dont see me as a person you just see me as a faceless blog. which is good cause i dont wanna get fucking doxxed again#but also i feel like everyone forgets im a human being andi have feelings and i have things i need and want#i want to be okay again i want my mom to come back i want to quit my job and i want to be happy just like so many people u know#what the fuck is so diffferent about me that you guys think i dont deserve any of it#is it cause i fucked up a couple times as a teenager on the internet??? cause i had a falling out with a dramatic asshole i dated??#fuck you guys#not even joking#and if i wasnt so committed to my damn job#which is literally all this is at this point#id probably leave the internet forever but fuck me i guess
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There's also the impulse to be like "women ain't shit" but that's a lie I love our women. Not women as a whole's fault that one of them turned out a selfish bastard of a coward.
I just need to find a woman who doesn't treat me like That. Get me a good butch. I need me a good butch.
#speculation nation#id love a good butch who can pick me up and help move my furniture#and who is so sweet and treats me like im someone valuable (& not immediately replaceable ...)#the bar is actually so low. god why do i keep ending up dating assholes?#ex before this ex wasnt an asshole. i was the asshole in that situation.#but that's where the whole. wanting to find someone right for me comes in.#god 'ex' really is such a vague term for me. i got bad ex goth ex uhh other good ex but still sucked#nothingburger exes 1 2 3 4#and the gay awakening ex who i really shouldve given more attention to but unfortunately i was a stupid 16 year old#and broke up with her for my bad ex. alas.#and then theres milquetoast ex and uhmmm. well i actually dont know what im going to label my most recent one.#i dont think it's fully sunk in yet what happened. bc it really was so sudden.#i last saw her on thursday and everything was normal and nice. just like pretty much the whole of the 6 months with her.#and then she started hanging out with the coworker i guess. and the rest is history.#i think she lied about being busy spending time with friends to excuse why she was so distracted on the weekend.#she was probably busy spending time with that girl. who she apparently feels like shes suffocating if shes not in the same room as her#it does suck in a lot of ways. but also with her friends. i was trying rly hard to spend time with them and be liked by them.#one of them's moving into my building this next year. across from my unit. so i wonder how thats gonna go.#my ex mentioned how she'd be spending twice as much time here then just last saturday.#and now. well. like fuck she's coming in here anymore. but i wonder if i'll see her going to visit her friend.#id been kind of excited for it. looking forward to spending time with a neighbor too. but probably not anymore.#i do wonder what her friends will think. i hope she tells them the truth and they chew her out for being such an asshole.#literally breaking up with me over text. who fucking does that??? she didnt have the guts to hear me cry???#i'll make sure she sees the full force of my displeasure when she drops my gifts off tomorrow.#she used to like how rough around the edges i am. well she's gonna see just how rough around the edges i Really am.#i kind of. dont really want to see her. but i also do. i want her to look me in the face and talk to me#to see who it is she's dropping. to see how it has affected me. even if she didnt see my heartbreak as it happened.#i laid into her Hard so she knew just how badly she hurt me. so that she would feel even a fraction of my hurt.#so she would feel Guilty. she apologized over and over. said she knew she'd regret it. but she just Had to do it.#'this will be my life's regret' then why'd you do it? fucking impulsive dumbass. what bullshit.
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its times like this when i really wish i had an SO's shoulder to cry on
Because I think i factrued/sprained my foot the other day it happened wednesday but its still pretty swollen and pops when i try to walk on it without hobbling. i know i signed up for health insurance through work. i wrote down the insurance company name as Bayside and I have my personal insurance id number but the card never came in/got lost in the mail (and i already called for one replacement that never came so idk if theyll send me a third) so i cant confirm the insurance name nor call them, but i need to because ive called/visited 5 health care facilities around me and NONE of them have even heard of Bayside. So im calling the phone number that my manager provided me with telling me that was the insurance company. I keep calling the number (and mind you ive called them before to try to get a second insurance card sent to me but that was in like April) and i get that its saturday but theres no answer and the stupid automated machine wont let me leave a voicemail. the automated answering voice on the phone also says that theyre called National Benefit Plans by SafetyNet and google says the phone number im using belongs to National Benefit Plans out in San Antonio Tx (i live no where near there). I found National Benefit Plans' website on SafetyNetPlus dot com but National Benefit Plans doesnt have their own website, just through SafetyNet, and also the SafetyNet website says on a side panel that "this is NOT insurance" and instead keeps saying "health benefits" instead so idk what the fuck ive been paying for for the last 6 months tbh and im having an emotional breakdown bc i dont want to fuck my foot up for life just cause i couldnt figure out my health insurance/benefits shit
#ive been fucking sobbing on the phone for 20 minutes calling the phone number over and over again#im about to mcfucking lose it and im sad and confused and scared because my foot is still so swollen even though it doesnt hurt very much#and google says if swelling on an injury like this persists after 48 hours to go get it looked at#all the walkin clinics near me dont have any xray techs til monday & quoted me anywhere from $130-$300 if i dont have insurance which i can#provide proof of nor am i even sure i actually have at this point and im ngl my guys i only have like $180 to my name until next friday#but then basically my entire next paycheck is going to Geico#and overall im just having a really really really bad time rn and im scared that if my foot is actually fractured im gonna fuck it up worse#by walking around on it without a boot/cast. yeah ive been sitting at work the last few days#but its front desk at a hotel so at least for the first hour of my shift and last 1.5 hours i HAVE to be standing#my foot was so swollen after work today it hurt to get my shoe off#im just really fucking stressed and anxious and confused and im sitting here sobbing my eyes out realizing theres literally no one i can#call just to vent and cry it out with#cant call my mom cause i busted my foot leaving her place after her husband got in my face & screamed at me for saying you cant hit people#cant call my siblings cause none of them can help/we dont talk often enough that i feel like i can burden them with this#i have a few casual friends but same sitch im not close enough with them that i feel comfortable venting while sobbing to them#i could call my ex but shes got a new boo now/its not her problem/we rarely talk anymore/she cant help so no point in calling#only other person who knows/is worried about me is my ex's mom but she wont be home from work for break til 2pm & its 11:30am rn#not close enough to any of my coworkers either#its times like this that i realize how truly alone i am these days with no one that can physically comfort me#which of course is only making me more upset#thats what i get for being depressed and reclusive the last 2 years and only letting people get an arms length reach from me emotionally#there is a medical clinic i can go to that is a 50 minute drive from me and without insurance you just pay a $20 sliding fee plus a little#extra for the care services but again theyre not open until monday and also its a 50 minute drive from me#so all im learning is i shouldve gone some place thursday morning after it happened and im fucked at least til monday#FUCK my STUPID BAKA life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#whatever. guess imma keep icing it try to keep it elevated and just endure it and hope it doesnt get worse#emma rambles#vent tag#DONT REBLOG
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