#i guess it's discourse I'm too tired to think of another tag | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

errorcode582 · 3 years ago

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ff.net has been in complete shambles for the past several years and is a notorious hive for plagiarism. The mods also nuked thousands of fics from the platform for reasons ranging from justified to incredibly questionable, and the site has had two of these mass purges in its lifetime. It's also been on the decline for years with constant outages, unresponsive mods, and a piss-poor tagging and search function. The owners of the site do not seem keen on even really giving the base code a spit shine, and I'd really question the security of it overall. I would not be surprised if they have a major data breach in the years to come. Don't get me wrong, I love it to death in a nostalgic way, but I can see why it's not exactly a great place to post fic these days.

Wattpad, usually the second site mentioned in these discussions, hosts tagged erotica alongside the rest of its content with no filter by default. This means you can find erotica in any search query you use unless you specifically exclude the tag. It's also a notorious hive for rpf, and allows rpf erotica. It also allows sexual content of 16 year olds, as it states in its code of conduct that, quote, "the age of consent is 16+ on Wattpad".

And really, those are the only notable contenders against ao3. Any other website you could list would fall into "niche" territory, and most writers do want their work to be seen so they can gain traction and potentially a clientele later on if they want to enter writing professionally. Plus, blogging sites like Tumblr tend to not be very conducive to posting fic as they aren't designed with a book format in mind, so word limits are tighter, you have to manually stitch a sort of chapter browser together by yourself as you post the fic, readers will encounter your fic in reverse chronological order, and honestly I could go on. Plus, Tumblr's tagging system is also complete garb, and if people don't reblog your fic, you're SOL. So, while I've heard of Fanfiction Online and have seen some promise in Quotev (I've made an account there recently, so consider that a "to be continued"), sadly, in terms of usability and popularity, all alternatives are overshadowed to the point of complete obscurity by the behemoth that is ao3.

Trust me, I hate that website and the cesspool it plays host to. Ever since I learned just how bad it was over there, I haven't spent a single second of my time on it. However, I can't blame aspiring writers for using it in the same way I can't blame other content creators for using YouTube rather than Dailymotion or Vimeo, despite YouTube's openly predatory practices towards their artists and child audiences (the Elsagate stuff never stopped, they're just using Mickey and Sonic now). The site holds a soft monopoly over the realm of fanfiction publication, and it's going to take a website that directly outclasses it in terms of user-friendliness to even really start giving it trouble and to convince the majority of the audience to switch over.

I'm all for taking as much of an audience away from that hellhole as possible though, so I'll gladly vouch for any alternative website that directly outclasses ao3 purely by design. Hell, ao3's code is completely open-source. If anyone manages to literally make a better ao3 (maybe even implementing those lofty promises of multimedia support that they've been harping on for years, hm?), I'll make an account on there the moment I hear of it and spread the word of it as far as I can manage.

Honestly, I think it really speaks to the state of fan culture overall that the best place to view and post fanfiction online is a csem hive, and I really want to change that message if I can. Unfortunately though, as much as I want a viable alternative, we're stuck between YouTube and Dailymotion, and I cannot blame anyone for wanting to stay away from Dailymotion.

Also @proship-blocklist since it was your post that was involved in this, feel free to add your input as an author/reader if you feel so inclined.

#error code: asks #error code: anon #error code: discourse #?#i guess it's discourse I'm too tired to think of another tag #cw csa mention #for those in the audience wondering where the hell this came from I poke my head into replies a lot #anyways complex topics requiring complex explanations y'know #I can feel a cluster headache coming on so I'll just leave this open to discussion

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habeascorpseus · 4 years ago

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I think another thing that made me feel like doomsday was initially a good thing was because i had somehow convinced myself that the l'manburg discourse would stop after it's destruction. that I would finally be brought peace. only to learn that l'manburg was largely one of the only things this fanbase agreed on, and that without it the discourse dissolved into character bashing and morality preaching and all the shit that makes it tiring to scroll through the tags sometimes. and I've partaken in plenty character criticism too, so I guess I also contributed to the new atmosphere of the fanbase. but I miss when the fanbase just. was there for l'manburg. when there was nothing to really argue about besides whether or not eret should get a redemption arc. there was camaraderie there, in writing songs about the revolution or singing the anthem, laughing about the shenanigans of the day. and now l'manburg is gone and none of us can agree that it was good or bad, just that we miss the feeling of watching a group of friends team up to start a nation. it's why all of us get so excited whenever there's a possibility of a new "group" forming- whether that be misfrens, benchtrio, the syndicate, kinoko kingdom, or snowchester. we miss the togetherness as much as the characters do. we need the feeling of security that "l'manburg" gave us as much as they do. I don't know why I'm writing this but it's just something I've felt for a while and that I've seen other people express too. l'manburg, whether you feel good about it now or not, kept the fanbase (mostly) together. now it's gone and we're just trying to understand how it got so bad.

#habeas speaks #dsmp fandom critical

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system-of-a-feather · 1 year ago

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REALIZING IN HINDSIGHT I PROBABLY SHOULD ADD SOMETHING TO THIS OTHER THAN "Yeah we do art together" CAUSE THATS NOT THE POINT I THINK LIN MEANT TO MAKE XDD

Look I really do just enjoy arting with him. I don't think I have much to add to this that he hadn't added himself cause we talk about this on and off so as far as I'm concerned we are generally on the same page (I admittedly TLDR to it because I like... talk about this semi-regularly with him XD)

But honestly, I'm sure he said it, but I think a really helpful thing from a helpers perspective is to genuinely like... try not to focus on "fixing" or "helping" the part so much as just like... being there.

Like I honestly didn't try this approach with much intent to like... fix anything or help anything, it was a combination of

1) I felt like he needed a friend and kindness (plus he was one of the many parts that would just latch onto me and use me for stability without my consent when disregulated back when that was a huge issue ANYWAYS and so it was kind of a matter of me going 'well if you are going to be using me to have some emotional regulation, might as well roll with it') and

2) honestly the system was really beginning to stress me out with how much discourse they were having over handling our sexual trauma as another part that holds some trauma albeit in a much more typical PTSD way than the dissociative shit Lin had and I was getting REALLY exhausted dealing with what was a tag team of two parts behaving in a persecutory manner

So during a big fuss, we had like, two persecutors aggressively attacking me cause I was trying to make progress and XIV had assigned me to Ignore Them and he'd "deal with them" and so I was benched (thank god) and I was like hhhhhhhhh im stressed imma draw and Lin was like, right there and Im like "You also kinda tired of this"

Its not as well put cause honestly, for me I was just like, "hey buddy little bro lifes tough huh XD"

I guess another thing I would probably say is that like.... you'd really be pretty shocked how capable, communicative, and aware they can be when they get their moments out of the hellscape. Cause I realized when you look at it from a host perspective they look like an incoherent insane and unstable mess that OBVIOUSLY can't speak for themselves, and in the moment that might be true, but that isn't really the actual level of coherency and capability to reflect - thats just the chronic condition

And I think its really important to actually engage those parts in a human way. Fighting with one another over who knows how to take care of the part the best and never actually like... waiting and giving a lot of space for that part to communicate it themselves - or worse, hearing an answer and ignoring it as "incorrect", just doesn't work that well. Like Lin had told us what he needed was to be "left alone" and especially early on we were like "okay thats just typical trauma speaking but thats not what he actually needs"

But like... it honestly was and it wasn't our place to be telling him that he was just "too mentally ill and traumatized" to be a fair judge for what he needed. Yes leaving him alone would FEEL like slowing down or ignoring the issue, but forcing them to heal paradoxically, in my experience, does more damage than good and in the end slows shit down more. The best thing you can really do is genuinely respect and listen to a part, even if, ESPECIALLY if what they say is not what you want to hear.

(that also isn't to say you have to act in accordance or take it as fact, some traumatized parts will say things that are harmful and all that. You can listen without necessarily following what they are saying as though they were orders)

I dunno just some of my thoughts on the topic that isn't me going

OH YEAH WE LOVE TO DO ART TOGETHER LINS MY BEST ART BUDDY OWO

as if that was The Point XD

(CW: CSA and grooming topics mentioned; should be content warned and all)

(also this is a personal side blog to @/system-of-a-feather)

Why is starting a post always the hardest thing to do?

Anyhow, I was talking to @reimeichan and I thought it would be nice to revisit the topic again and might be neat to share it with those that might want some perspective that I don't see brought up much, but the longer that I am out of the 6 year trauma loop that I was stuck in, the longer I realize that my experience was a very unique dissociative experience that even among "trauma holders" is not really the most common standard, but I also know it isn't abnormal either for people with DID.

When I say "6 year trauma loop" I mean that for six years straight following The Trauma I was stuck in, anytime I was near the front it was almost always 24/7 all consuming flashbacks and when it wasn't it was emotional flashbacks and trauma rumination that overloaded my ability to process things. As a result, the only real moments I had any peace back then was when I was as far from the front, as dormant as I could be as any moment where I had any sense of consciousness or sentience was immediately filled with nothing but pain, fear, and hurt.

I think in that sense, it was an understatement to call myself a "trauma holder" more so that my life as a part was just trauma. In regards to that, you couldn't really talk to me about anything, or talk me out of it, or really even properly comfort me because even if I could "hear" internally, even if I could "hear" externally, very little of what could or would be said really would not be processed beyond a superficial level - not because I didn't want to listen, but because I functionably could not process anything at the point of overload that the chronic state of flashback put me in.

I say that because I think it might be important for those that can't really communicate or get a productive conversation out of a trauma holding part that is in a similar position to the place I was. It's not a personal support issue on your end, nor is it a personal refusal on their end. They're not there to be receptive to much. Please be gentle on both yourself and them regarding how communication might be.

Additionally, trying to deal with anything more than surviving and not-being-in-pain can be very stressful and overloading for a part in that position. We had tried brainspotting with our therapist and Riku (I think) at the time ended up connecting with me when I was otherwise dormant and I admittedly got really pissed and aggressive and mentally slammed a door in their face for so much as contacting me because it deeply upset and hurt me to be conscious even slightly. It was important and I think - even with how short that interaction was - it was a really important step to helping me out, but do walk carefully when interacting with parts that are in a similar state. Anger and aggression are often a response to hurt, pain, and an act of self defense and/or a response to overload. It's important to understand that even the most gentle and scared and "fawn" response parts in these situations can be momentarily internally hostile and/or perceive you as the threat.

With all that considered, in my experience and opinion, more than anything, it is absolutely important to respect and honor a part's desire to avoid being near the front, interacting and talking. If they want to be dormant, it is best to let them stay dormant (not to force them, but also to not intentionally try to engage them). It might not seem that painful or hard or it might seem as a "greater good" to bring them out and make them talk, but it's retraumatizing. They will likely end up out on and off whether they like it or not regardless of your actions by the nature of trauma and triggers being hard to control. Take their natural fronting frequency and meet them there. Help them when they are already here and I would really ask people to be considerate of parts that simply don't want to exist due to being in a similar position.

Your "greater good" and the systems sense of "needing to process it to heal" is not considerate to parts that are not ready or not comfortable dealing with life. Your desire to "heal properly" does not give you the right to treat trauma holders like obstacles to overcome and tasks on a list to recover. If anything, if I had to say which parts needed to be treated the most human, it would be those parts as they likely got the most inhumane treatment already. Take yourself out of the picture if you intend to help these parts, it will likely get in the way of actually being there for them and trust me, we can tell when you are talking about "helping us" for yourself and "helping us" because you actually care and are concerned about us. It is very off putting and very uncomfortable.

That being said, those are key points from my experience as a part that was in that hell that I wanted to iron out as they were things hosts, protectors, and non-loop-stuck trauma holders took a while to learn.

What @/reimeichan had asked that made me want to revisit this topic was about how I got out of it, which I answered like... half a year back or so here. I actually have not read my original reply to preserve the current and present look back on it as that response was written by Rin/Lin 1.0 and I am Lin 2.0 aka Qilin so while I am still that part, they were not me.

As for getting out of it, I don't think there is advice I could give a part in the same situation. I don't think there is any point to me giving any advice to a part in the same situation, they likely don't have much bandwidth to change what they are doing themselves. At least, I know I sure didn't. So I am not gonna write anything for "the part in the loop", I don't have anything to say other than that I'm sorry you are suffering, you deserved better, you deserve better and do what you need to survive. There is an end to it.

My main advice goes out to those that are wanting to help a part in that situation, which is advice that I got from talking about the situation with Riku - who I largely credit for helping me out in the beginning.

If the part is as chronically overwhelmed and stuck as I was, it can be extremely helpful to have a part simply exist around them with no direct pressure or interest in the topic of the trauma or the flashbacks they are obviously experiencing and to just be there as a stabilizing force near them. It can be awkward, it can be a bit of a rough interaction, you might be seen as somewhat annoying, you might honestly get a lot of bleed through from the part and that will suck, but sitting there with them can help a lot with slowly regaining some more sense of awareness internally.

It can be particularly more helpful if you can give them something even a bit distracting or interesting in the present to ground them to away from the hell loop in their mind. For me, Riku found some good old classic Vocaloid music covers and would sit there and find something that would help sooth me and after a few times of this I actually grew a strong comfort to a specific song. It helped a part of my brain in the loop wake up and go "I really need that song" which while small, was a huge step in the sense that I was - even mildly - looking for something to soothe and calm myself despite being swamped in flashbacks.

Finding that one comfort, that one distraction, is a foot in the door that can be a starting point to build a bridge out of there. Once that song actually did good to slowly calming me down, it opened me up to have a SLIGHT interest in seeing if there is anything else like that which made me feel or think of anything other than my trauma. That opened me up to looking at OTHER songs on my own volition. I wanted to seek an internal experience that wasn't trauma or dormancy. It motivated me to exist despite everything to try to get anything slightly positive.

Riku was honestly great at fostering this and honestly, I think they're really stupid OP with this sort of thing because they were unintentionally and just instinctually really good, but its really helpful to enthusiastically engage in their small piece of, well peace and helping them grow that base into something more.

They often sat and would try to remember old songs from my era of existence to try to find again or catch up on and it was fun - even if I still felt like shit - to have those low energy, low effort explorations. That eventually lead to them noticing that I really liked a lot of Wooma MV videos and asked about it, to which I kind of got a little excited and they were like "hey you know, we draw now, I could help you out if you want to learn Wooma's art style"

And that was honestly huge for me. It was an actual hobby, an actual thing to study, an actual thing to THINK about that engaged my brain and my frontal lobe which made me ground a bit so I could engage and enjoy in the hobby. A lot of the time I still needed Riku for emotional support and a sense of stability, but this became a strong foundation of our relationship with one another and they authentically became the first part that actually treated me like a person and a friend in the system through this shared hobby.

As I stabilized a little more and the routine hobby of doing art together became more of a casual thing we learned to do, we talked ab it more about things, often real things where trauma topics came up and we were able to just listen and hear each other out.

(below this part is likely hyper specific to myself and my trauma, I am sharing it for myself and for a case example)

They sat there with me through so many bad episodes, they didn't need to ask, but they knew - one of the things that my brain went to a lot in my flashback and trauma loop was just the sheer betrayal and cruelty the world had on me back then.

(CW: Somewhat raw grooming and csa talk)

I had immense hurt and grief. We were a kid, a traumatized, lonely, isolated kid that was very desperate, very in need of someone who cared about us, who was kind to us, who liked us, that saw us as a person with issues and not only would stay there with us, but actively loved us unconditionally. We were desperately in need of anyone to be nice to us, anyone to be gentle with us, anyone to care for us and love us. We had already been through so much and we really needed someone - anyone, just one person. We thought - I had thought - we had that. I thought we had a person that was like that. I trusted them entirely. I thought I loved them entirely. I thought I found the person I'd have in my life forever. I had the person who would save me, who would protect me, who would be there to build my new life away from trauma and hurt with. Before I had the chance to admit that to them, they admitted it to me. I was over joyed and in less than a week, I had somehow been turned into a sex object and over the next year, I'd be nothing but a sex object. Not only did I loose that person that was nice and kind and caring, not only did I loose a friend and someone I loved, but I had become nothing but a sex toy and object of someone else's desire. All of it ruined in less than a week after what felt like the best day of my life and a change that I waited to change but only got worse.

The world had saw a broken and injured kid begging for help, and fed me to hell hounds that then consumed my corpse for years. My brain never let that go, my brain kept that on repeat. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. I was happy and over joyed. I was stabbed. I was used. I never stopped being lonely. I never stopped being sad. I never stopped being hurt. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. loop loop loop for six years.

(CW cleared)

I was a lonely kid- but during one conversation, I had casually brought up that and Riku had sat there and went, "That's really awful, in a different way I can relate.... but... you know, at the very least, at least we have each other right? You had no one before, no one cared about you, no one loved you, no one gave you attention, no one had genuine interest in you but.... I'm here now and now we have each other."

And that didn't have any huge immediate changes, but it really stuck because it did break that loop a bit, as for the first time, it did make me realize that I wasn't a lonely scared kid desperate for some help. I had at least one person I had a genuine connection with, a person that both existed internally and that I could tell - by the nature of sharing a brain - had no ulterior motive other than genuinely being my friend.

And at that point, I was a lonely kid that did get a friend who was authentically interested in me, authentically cared about me, that was authentically gentle and kind and authentically loved me unconditionally. I had what I had needed that got me into the situation I was abused in. Why would I have to go back over as to why that abuser used me and hurt me? Why did that person matter anymore?

The starting point of the trauma loop had been addressed and answered. The narrative of lonely -> manipulated -> betrayed -> hurt -> lonely was changed to lonely -> got the care they needed -> life???

And to that narrative point, I think its important to sit there and find what is that starting point and fulfilling what that starting point of the loop needed to have it go in a different direction.

But with that being said, I still don't recommend directly trying to figure it out as the part that is not going through it. It can come off as very invasive and that cerebral approach to being there with the part you are trying to help will make you feel distant, cold, and will likely feel like an ulterior motive.

To that point, I cycle back. Just sit with the part, speaking or not. Sit with them and meet them at their interest and rate of being around.

Honestly, there are a number of other parts in this system that were in the same situation at me, and there was a space and periods here and there when we were both stuck in only emotional flashbacks that I had grown to really like, and I honestly miss them sometimes. I very much want to help them out of there which is why I've been actively discussing this topic with Riku and Ray, but these sorts of things take time. I will be overjoyed when they are ready to be helped, but until then, I'll be waiting for them.

Anyways, enough rambling, I've held the front during Riku's personal time for an hour to write this and I ought to give it back to them. Hope this long post was insightful or helpful to anyone reading it.

#alter: riku

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icharchivist · 7 years ago

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Since I almost finished both, I can say tht imo, both were actually amazing. There were times that I prefered 2011 (which were morethan the other) but to tell the truth, there were also times that I liked the original one better but as a whole, both were pretty damn amazing! And mate getting worked up over that isn't bad, it's normal. I see the comparison on every damn video on youtube and it annoys the hell out of me (since i'm personally a huge fan of the remake)

Loooot of salt under the cut sorry about that ajkhfdjkf but it got long and it’s too petty for me to want it to publish it without a cut

jdlkfjdf trust me I really believe you, I have absolutly no doubt about 1999′s quality, but that’s what I’m complaining to begin with, I don’t doubt it one second, but I’m tired of having get put down my throat.

I had the exact same complete reject of the CA arc when I reached it because of how much people built it up to me. (I especially started to get a lot of asks about it when I was having a blast with the YN and GI arc, and I can’t even say how much it started to annoy me at some point because, sure, i’m sure it’s amazing, can I just enjoy those scenes while i can instead of heating up for what’s coming up? And considering now how in retrospect the YN arc is my fav one out of the arc, it gives me an even more bitter taste.).

As a result I frankly didn’t enjoy my sit through the CA arc, not because I didn’t like the arc, but because I was seriously dreading and waiting for something groundbreaking. And it seriously ruined the fun, I only started to get invested toward the end, and it’s when I read this part without any pressure in the manga that I actually realized that I liked it a lot!

If I didn’t have this whole build up, I would have loved the CA arc right from the start and it’s. actually killing me how much work I had to do afterward in order to appreciate it the way I should have appreciate it to begin with.

(and still today I can cringe with the CA arc build up because of that fact, which is so fucked up to me because I love this arc, it’s pretty good, it has so much interesting themes and characters developments, jfc I don’t want to cringe when I see it as well! and even there it’s far less bad than before.)

I had about the same reaction to K/illua at some point and that’s what seriously pissed me off. The discourse over G/on and K/illua in the CA arc seriously had me cringe everytime I was seeing K/illua, while I love him, I adore him, but I couldn’t stand seeing him. That’s why I restarted the 2011 anime a while back, because I don’t want it to happen, I love K/illua, and I don’t want to cringe when I see him because some people used it in an argumentation that I didn’t like. (and for the record, it’s working, I’m back into loving K/illua with all my soul now, but jfc as a proud parent I was seriously getting pissed at this whole situation)

Legit, comparaisons in general makes me so hicky because of that. I know myself ways too well. I get so. Damn. Pissed. And I can’t exactly control it, esp since I try not to think of it until it becomes unbearable and I have to ~work~ on it.

And I’m sorry but I still find myself stupid for that. I shouldn’t get that worked up over fictional stuff. It bothers me because it’s not worth it, because everything is good, because I honestly love all of this manga with all my soul and I’m honestly ready to accept all change, and it pisses me off when I get to cringe over it.

Because people like whatever they like, I’m not gonna dictate how they should enjoy their fictions. (I was pointing out d/gm (and f/ma) in my tags and like, that just shows i’m no better. I’m always gonna jump if someone says they want to start d/gm and tell them to not try the anime unless they feel enough for the characters because the anime fucked them up all, BOTH ADAPTATION of the manga fucked up on BIG STUFF. So honestly who the fuck am i to tell people to not complain about an anime adaptation while I’m going to be yelling about those, like, damn. (Even better with B/rotherhood for F/MA because my only reason to basically say it’s not a good adaptation is for a big part (but not only) because some of my fav characters’s scenes had been cut off, and honestly it’s like a L/eorio situation there, so honestly that’s the amount of hypocrisis that is going on with me.))

But then I still cringe and I get that bad feeling.

(that’s also why I started to fight teeth and nails when, while following the Pika tag, I found ‘L/eorio is the worst of the characters and Pika is better’ posts. I got. So fucking upset. And I’m just lucky I really love Pika as much as I do because man it could have so easily ruined it for me. I freaking hate those things.)

And I don’t want 1999 to be The New CA Arc. I don’t want that the amount of “it’s so much better than 2011″ will result with me being unable to watch it without cringing and stopping paying attention.

I don’t doubt for one second that it’s good. I still want to watch it. I know there are scenes I’ve seen of it that I REALLY LIKE. I want to see them! I know I will love the show! Esp regarding L/eorio like!!! so much!!

But now it’s becoming a real cringefeast and seriously if right now I was starting 1999 I would be so bitter even someone who like their coffee black would be asking for at least 5 sugars to make that bitterness pass.

And I really wish I could get far less worked up over all of it but here I am I guess.

akjhfkdf i’ll work on it, it’ll get better, i’ll watch it eventually. But y e rn idk, there’s ways too much posts on my dash about how better 1999 is, going on with another blog who’s more or less defending 2011 after getting an ask saying it was bad, it’s just starting to annoy me.

But well that was what an hour ago now so i’m gonna reset my dash and hope that whole thing will be gone, meanwhile I’ll work on myself to not cringe when I see 1999 so I will be able to enjoy it again once I reach it.

For now I’m just that annoying petty local asshole.

#ichasalty #ichatalks #... in case you guys didn't know i4m an extremely petty and salty person #it's just that considering how much i get worked up when i see pettiness i never ever want to subject people to that #my chill is fake #it's a cover so i don't get on a meanspirited territory and become exactly what i dislike #but man just - just blacklist the ichasalty tag okay #bahare uzuchiha #ichareply

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queerascat · 8 years ago

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i found an old post about a poc ace and went on their blog and they know say they don't identify as ace because aces are bad, basically. and like, i'm literally crying. idk what to do, that just really struck me. someone who wrote about being queer, ace and a poc like me shitting on me and telling me my identity is inherently problematic when it's the reason i can't access mental health atm, which is something i need cause the 'discourse' & the violent abuse i faced on this website for (cont)

(suicide ideation, death threat and conversion tw) including death threats, caused me to fall back into suicidal ideation. and the only therapist available to me suggested conversion therapy (i live in a small central american country, there’s not much knowledge about these things- she thinks if i can be converted to straight, i will no longer suffer from my orientation). this is horrible tbh. i’m sorry to unload but as another poc ace i feel safe around you. i guess what i’m trying to say is that this ‘discourse’, which is just a bunch of people thinking they can gaslight and abuse aces or call the ‘bad’ or ‘cringy’ and don’t want to have any sort of intra community discussion but literally deny us our experiences and be abusive, is harming my mental health. friends i trusted turned out to be acephobic, send me literal death threats. in what kind of WORLD is that fucking ok? idk where im going with this, im sorry. do you know of any ways i can deal with this wave of ace and aro hatred that’s spread this website? i don’t know how to go about it. and now in the spanish speaking online lgbtq+ community, enbyphobes have copied it to exclude enbys for ‘being actually cis’ and are calling us ‘cisnb’ after regs in english calling aces and aros ‘cishet’ so that’s just fucking great :( that’s because the community is only now starting to realize enbys exist. and it’s also learning that about aspecs, so im starting to hear it in spanish too. i just can’t escape it.

i genuinely feel like i’m in no place to be giving any sort of advice on things of this nature– especially right now when i’m just managing to keep my own head above water for various reasons, but…

i’d first like to say that venting has been (and continues to be) a significant part of self-care / coping for me personally and i am beyond flattered that you feel safe enough to vent your feelings to me. no need to apologize, anon. i don’t know if i can be of any help to you, but i hope that the very act of venting in and of itself has been a step in the right direction for coping for you like it often is for me.

i also want to say that i’m very sorry to hear about all of the shit that you’ve been (and continue to be) put through. while i haven’t had your exact experiences, i can very much relate to feeling like you can’t escape “discourse” or otherwise harmful ideology as both it itself and the effects of it pervades other aspects and intersections of your life both on and outside of Tumblr. not to mention how it feels to finally find that rare, illusive something or someone that you share important but seemingly less common intersections with only to discover that that thing or person contributes to the very thing that’s, for lack of a better expression, fucking you up.

…ah, yes. like those old posts by a formerly self-identified ace and queer person of color who now not only advocates against asexuality but who does so in a way that blatantly shits on aces of color by pitching them against other QPOC, among other things. that’s some fucked up shit, ain’t it?

cough. anyway… my personal coping and self-care strategies.

my go-to strategies for coping and self-care certainly don’t work for everyone or in all situations, but with Tumblr and social media-related thing in general i often try to:

remove myself from the source of the distress.

even if only temporarily for a few hours, days, a week– whatever, i do what i can to mentally and / or physically check myself out of whatever it is that’s negatively affecting me and do my best to turn my attention to other things. i go to Starbucks, read a book, clean my apartment, focus on a personal project, catch up on shows, turn off my computer and my phone and finally make myself food– whatever. i focus on things that are actually tangible and perhaps offer some form of self-gratification even if it’s just in the form of tasting good because goddamnit, the time and cost required to get a caramel macchiato is (and quite frankly should be) far more worth it to me than the time and (mental) cost spent giving a damn about someone else’s bullshit. or so i tell myself.

if the source of the distress is outside of the internet, as might be the case with a therapist, i cut that person (or thing) out of my life even if it’s just by silently breaking off communication with them by not returning their calls or not going to their therapy sessions temporarily or indefinitely. as i said above, that person / those people / that thing is not worth the time or (mental) cost required of me by dealing with them.

limit or manage my exposure to the source of the distress when removing myself from it completely isn’t possible.

i feel like this often ends up being more taxing than simply removing myself all together, but blocking / unfollowing immediately upon coming across something or someone that can potentially or does set you off is important. blocking applies to more than just people, blogs or posts but also blacklisting tags, keywords etc using something like Xkit for Tumblr, the native block & mute features on Twitter, etc. if the distress comes in the form of asks, instant messages, etc then i disable those things at least temporarily, especially when blocking an IP fails to get the job done. i also avoid browsing through tags, which can be tough when you actively want to find something to help yourself feel better about yourself / your experiences / etc…

when the source of the distress isn’t online-based, i try to manage / limit my exposure by avoiding the person or thing in question when possible. again, actively avoiding someone or something requires effort on my part and can in and of itself be taxing, so it’s not ideal… but i do what i can.

venting.

while venting is by no means The Solution to anything and comes with its own set of risks / problems when done publicly, venting can be done in so many different ways. it’s a relatively easy form of instantly relief for me regardless of how small that relief may ultimately be. whether it be tweeting, journaling (online or pen & paper), venting on sites specifically made for that purpose, scribbling feelings onto a piece of paper and then immediately ripping that paper to shreds, typing heatedly into a text document and then closing it without saving– whatever, it helps for me to take even a moment out of my day to acknowledge how i feel and speak those feelings into existence beyond just the mess that is my own head at times. even if those feelings only exist in the world for seconds before i delete or physically destroy them because Anxiety And Shit, it still helps.

but perhaps most importantly is to:

focus on the fact that no matter what anyone else says or does, i am The Authority on who i am, how i feel, etc.

i know who i am, but i also know that who i am is not the problem even when others make me feel otherwise. regardless of how i may feel about the things that i face in regards to my sexuality, my gender, my race, etc, i try to keep in mind that those things that i face are a product of the society that i live in and the people who insist on interjecting their own personal bullshit into my life. imho, this is as true of Tumblr “discourse” as it is of life in general.

while it may not be possible to escape society or shitty people all together, there is a lot more to society and life in general than the bullshit that we find ourselves faced with at times. i try my best to look beyond or through “discourse” on Tumblr and see the communities of people both on an off Tumblr who, like me, are against such bullshit. while shitty therapists and shitty people in general may rebrand and rehash the same old tired, hurtful shit that’s been said to others for forever, i try to look past that and focus instead on the fact that a lot of people aren’t like that and have actually learned from the past and and are better for it. i try to focus on a future where i will have access to competent mental health resources and care even though i do not have that now…

…….i’m not sure why i ended up writing this short novel of a post that ultimately amounts to nothing, but yeah. anon, no matter how hard things get, please know that you’re never going at it alone. there are others out there struggling, coping, surviving in spite of the same or similar things, it’s just that if hardly anyone talks about it we end up feeling alone in it, unaware of others’ company…

….which is one reason why despite the potential risks, venting publicly even in the form of anonymous asks can be worth it sometimes and i very much welcome such asks on this blog.

all the best, anon.

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