#i guess i think of characters more in terms of how interesting they'd be to watch through a fish tank than to hang out with

[bearenjoyers]

sorry im just thinking about bcs but like. why not add a few smaller scenes of gus interacting with his own men? why does it seem like, in comparison, mike is almost immediately elevated to a higher status than those two in bcs purely because we actually get to see him having normal conversations with gus? like i understand they might not keep the plot moving as well because of the fact obviously if victor is currently doing something it’s because gus told him to etc. but for the most part all of the smaller interactions gus does have with those two ends up being in a somewhat high stress situation where it feels very tense between everyone. and it’s just like damn! is it always like that?? why do those two even care that much about their jobs if their boss is a bit of a dick? etc. i think even an additional scene or two with those guys (either alone or the both of them) talking with gus in a more normal situation could’ve both added a bit more depth into how gus treats his employees (we got a lot with how he treats lyle and co., but not a whole lot with the illegal side of things), how comfortable vic and tyrus feel around him in a calmer setting, and exactly why they both feel the need to be as loyal as they are to the guy.

and also on the other side of this i don't think it'd hurt to maybe elaborate on their pay just a bit..? i'm not saying to randomly put a number out into the atmosphere but i just mean some smaller things like. do they buy nicer things for themselves? what's their housing situation? what's their car situation? are the escalade / yukon their own vehicles or does gus just use those two for business situations? do they use them when they're doing their own stuff off the clock or do they have their own cars? etc. that can also help with understanding their motivations a bit. don't get me wrong i don't think they should be visibly rich or something because that's not what gus would want but just smaller things! cause it's easy to write their loyalty off as Well they probably get paid super well, which i'm sure is true, but if they don't show a single hint of that then what's the point. even something as simple as giving tyrus a nice watch, or maybe victor having a nicer looking gun, etc. something small like that. because as it stands right now the average 41 year old viewer who watched the show once only knows and will only ever know victor and tyrus as those two guys in the background who do random stuff for gus with no clear motivation. just the personification of "On it boss (salute emoji)". and to be honest this is true for a whole lot of fans who do watch the show multiple times and enjoy thinking about it more in depth, because on screen we barely have anything about the two.

and to be clear i'm not trying to say we should have an episode just for them or something like no i understand they're side characters. i understand we don't need all that. and i understand this is also primarily Jimmy's show. but it's not like these two are on the same level as like, arlo or paige and kevin etc. these guys have been around since brba. victor was literally introduced in the same episode gus was. and they are a huge part of gus's story, especially in brba. s4 wouldn't have been what it was without victor and tyrus. and in bcs, ignacio's situation wouldn't have been the same if it weren't for victor and tyrus as well. and i just personally believe that if their goal with gus in bcs was to go back and elaborate on how everything came to be and show what he was like a few years younger, they could've dragged victor and tyrus into that. and i think his character would've benefited from taking that extra step with those two.

[oblivious-aro]

F, I, L, M, (woah just realised that word is in alphabetical order…) X, Y!

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

I'm just realizing it's kind of tricky to define what exactly constitutes ‘being in a fandom’. Internet culture as we know it today was kind of forming as I was growing up, and that's where I primarily think of fandom culture, and fandom itself, as existing at all. 

That being said, probably Legend of Zelda. 

Honourable mention to Danny Phantom and H2O: Just Add Water. Those were the two shows I primarily browsed the fanfiction for when I discovered fanfiction existed. My main interest in fanfiction was identity/secret reveal fics. Also really liked looking up funny My Little Pony fan comics. I think of those as my sort of first foray into wider fandom cultures.

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

I was disillusioned to fandom culture very early on, and had heard many of the horror stories of fandom toxicity long before I got Tumblr.

That being said, interacting with Danny Phantom fans on Tumblr really opened my eyes to how fandom tends to bubble itself.

I already knew about DP fans…eccentricities from my time fanfiction.net, but on ffn you can at least give writers the benefit of the doubt that their attitudes are just coming from their own personal tastes and experiences, since engagement is limited, but on Tumblr you see the fandoms collective thoughts and attitudes and how they engage with the media and each other more clearly. I figured because of that, there would be engagement with the show on a critical level, but outside of a few points, the fans pretty much never dug into the writing of the show unless is contributed to adding inane details to fan lore, or referencing fandom in-jokes that aren't very funny even if you do know the story behind them. 

There's not a lot of engagement on the level of fannon either, actually. It's mostly just adding lore bits and shallow jokes. The only time I ever saw anyone address any meta issues there was to say the tired old ‘we just need to be tolerant and all get along’ vague posting spiel. 

In short, Tumblr DP fandom taught me first hand that even in an environment that's more conducive to engagement, a lot of fans just won't, and that was extremely disappointing to realize.

Also Delicious in Dungeon. They seemed fine at first, but then I found out how incredibly dishonest the fandom was about the show, and that sowed a lot of resentment towards the fandom and the show itself. That's on me for forgetting anime fans are terrible, though. 

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves.

Non-puzzle spoiler for Ace Attorney 3, but the bit at the end of the flashback trial where after watching their client die in front of them, Godot turns to Mia and tells her that as a lawyer it's their duty to keep smiling and push through no matter what, all the while keeping a smile on his face, but grasping his ceramic mug so hard it shatters and cuts his hand…that smile still fixed on his face while blood runs down his clenched fist, and security is frantically trying to deal with the dead body just off screen…but Godot isn’t looking at his bleeding hand or the corpse at the witness stand…he’s only focused on what he's saying to the distraught Mia…insisting that they have to keep smiling despite everything…

That's metal as fuck. Godot was not a character who was handled well, but the coffee mug shattering is absolutely a top ten Ace Attorney moment in my book.

Also his coffee animations are genuinely funny.

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

Ruby Gloom. I like how she always planning fun activities, she generally tries to be accommodating without being a total pushover, and is always working to make life more enjoyable for herself and everyone around her. She seems like a really positive person to have in your life.

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (i.e., fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)?

Miraculous Ladybug (my younger cousin was really into the show when it first came out, and there's one tumblr artist who makes great comics, but the glimpses I saw of the level of teasing in the show proper turns me right off. Conceptually though, Miraculous is my JAM, but I. Cannot. Stand. Excessive. Teasing. One of the rare instances of a show being enhanced by being experienced exclusively through fandom) 

Delicious in Dungeon (it's pretty hard to not absorb that show if you exist on Tumblr in any capacity)

Star Wars/Yu-gi-oh (I've seen a bit of both, but I've learned a lot from my brother who's watched much more than I)

Minecraft/Five Nights at Freddie's (3 of my 4 siblings, and also all nerds everywhere, love Minecraft, so you know. My sister was really into Fnaf when it first got big, and my little sister was just the right age to enjoy it when it had its resurgence)

That's everything off the top of my head. 

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! 

Putting this under a cut because it ended up being way longer than expected. Tell me to ramble at your own risk, apparently. No, I don't really know where I was going with what I was saying either:

I think sometimes we all gotta step back and remember this whole fandom thing is very silly. 

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying fan creations are valueless or not worth taking seriously (I've dedicated many hours to fan creations myself), but to hear some people talk you’d think fandom was some kind of oppressed political group.

Guys…this is primarily a space where twelve year olds talk about their blorbos kissing, lighten up. Yes, there are a lot of real issues in fandom spaces that should be talked about, but sometimes it feels like the only one people want to talk about is an external issue that…doesn’t really exist. Big companies don’t really care what fandom does with their properties anymore. The reality is that there was a few weird instances about a decade ago, and some people can’t let go of that. One author said ‘don’t write fanfics about my books’, and fandom developed a persecution complex the size of Russia and cursed their name long after that author’s death. Because they were told not to write fanfics. About one book.

(Disclaimer: I know there was a bit more to the situation than that, but my point still stands)

And the worst part of making this fake issue such a big part of fandom identity is people weaponizing it to stop others from talking about real issues. “Hey, are we sure it’s okay there’s so much fanart depicting-” “Shh! Shh! Shh! We can’t criticise each other! We can’t let fandom space be divided! We can’t ever question anyone in fandom spaces or else we will fall apart and big company will win! Just ignore stuff you don’t like so that everyone can get along always!” I hate how adamant people are about cutting off this entire avenue of discussion point blank. Preserving the concept of fandom is more important than improving the culture of fandom.

And it's not just obtuse teenagers, it's fully grown adults. Like…a significant amount of money has changed hands based on these beliefs. I happened to be on ao3 when a fundraiser went live, and they more than doubled their goal in an hour. All because it's the website that ‘protects fan’s freedom of speech’. That's a lot of extra money being given to a site that runs on unpaid volunteers based on very shaky beliefs (and you can’t even permanently block tags or even ban people properly *ahem*), just because other websites don’t let you write about three specific authors or [redacted].

In short, ao3's basically a scam and if you ever catch me using the term ‘transformative works’ please shoot me. People are trying to sell you a sense of importance with language like that (literally in ao3's case).

That being said, there's something genuinely beautiful about fandom connections when they aren't glorified. I've made multiple friends who live in different countries from me just because we like the same lego show. That's actually ridiculous, but the connection is undeniably genuine and treasured, and it was founded on all of us sharing our weird hobbies.

Even on a smaller scale, there's something about hearing a person make a Nintendo or a superhero reference that can put me at ease a little. I've never been fond of how dismissive people can be of more mainstream media. Pop culture gives us fun little connections to make as a society, and that's great. It's cool when your 60 year old coworker says “my Spidey senses are tingling”, or that shy kid starts to open up to you because you know what Bluey is. 

Of course it's worth remembering that liking the same media (or having any common interest or hobby) is not enough. Liking the same show can bring people together, but it is the character of the individuals involved that determine whether that connection gets nourished or not. Relating back to my original point a little, we shouldn’t completely give credit to fandom. You didn’t have these positive experiences because fandom is a magical place where stuff like that just happens, you had them because you put in the work to build those positive experiences. It’s the same with any hobby. 

It’s like saying you made friends through knitting, it’s technically not 100% accurate. Afterall, not everyone who knits is friends with other knitters, even if they do know of other people who knit. The decision to make brownies every week for the knitters circle is an effort you have chosen to put in, and indicative of your character beyond the commonality of the hobby the group was founded on. So no, you didn’t just make friends through knitting, you made friends by being yourself.

(Yes, I do realize that I’m being kind of nit-picky here. Rest assured, I do not always go on this kind of a ramble when someone says they made friends though x, I’m just trying to illustrate a point about the powerful perspective we lose through glorification)

[slowlysoluminary]

after that wack-tastic piece of media i figured we could all!! use a break!!!!!!! so!!!!!!

(more) doodles below the cut. and some commentary! Hurray!

^^ Post game is interesting. Most of the timeloop is about figuring the deal with the memories, some of it is about sif comng to terms with the king, and the very very end of it is about everyone regaining their memories.

so i say it again post game is REALLY interesting!!! because everyone, collectively, is trying to balance their old memories and their new memories. everyone except siffrin. who is not 1:1 old siffrin but is the closest to it, considering how much loop's been through.

loop??? becomes corporeal at some point in the end.

it's very bittersweet! i think! the whole of the party does an "i want to remember!!!" sequence, fighting with their own minds to fill the gaping holes they'd always ignored.

-- loop, after realizing the extent to which they're familiar with the party, had tried desperately to get the party to remember them throughout the loops. in hopes that something would change. they never remembered.

at the same time, siffrin is talking to the king - they're fighting with eachother physically and verbally, desperately trying to get the other understand. resetfrin is not the siffrin the king hated so earnestly, not the siffrin he tried to snuff out.

over the course of many conversations with the king, siffrin caught on. the king is the major lore dump here and is who causes most of the narrative development because i say so !!!!!!!!!!!!

actually. about post game. do you know why their designs are like that

resetfrin hated the lack of autonomy he had over their own body so they decided to. cut their hair. it's a bit curlier now that there's not a lot weighing it down

they decided not to keep the star stuff the king gave them. yada yada character development or whatever.

they gave their cloak to loop!! who is. siffrin again. physically at least. both siffrins are siffrin but with clear differences! like hair length and hair texture! and ohhhhhhhh no what do you mean the universe gave them the wrong body?? what?????? how cruel!!! how blasphemous!!!!!!!

loop hated the idea of keeping her hair darkless (mirror pronouns for loop btw!!! remember that!!!). it reminded them of what it was like to be ghostloop. which they hated!!! but they couldn't have their hair be lightless because that was resetfrin's new thing, so... they just. kept dying the bottom parts of it lightless. it's a compromise

how does the party distinguish the two siffrins, name-wise? uhhhhhh. ask me that question later. idk.

if.... if i have pre-game planned out. and post-game planned out.

then the inly thing I don't have planned out is the ACTUAL time loop bit

it's quite daunting because? that's like the entire point of the original game? it feels like i hve to live up to so much and like fhe loops have to have such a packed, coherent story

though, to be fair, most of what I'm writing will just be. the time loop bit. so i guess I'm figuring it out as i go

anyway, actually talking about the two sketches above, ghostloop is for SIFFRIN'S EYES ONLY!!! she can hit things but things can't hit her and all that.

after figuring out, through past loops, that the King can't see them, they realized siffrin was their only connection to the physical world. The Last Piece Left of them, physically and metaphorically. the whole time they longed for something else to acknowledge their existence. acknowledge theyre real

they also realize they can do Fuckery

the king has a Sixth Sense for loop's Fuckery,,, flipping him The Bird resulted in a rather quick death for Siffrin. whoops!!!!!

this au is. more closely revolved around gloop than i thought. don't worry!! i have a lot of gloop content planned! but. but you need to understand the pain of resetfrin and the king. the misery snd desperation fhe king felt about his country. siffrin pleading with the king, countlessly, hoping to see some SEMBLANCE of the man he once knew. you need to know the missing pieces the party finds, a hollow feeling settling itself around their hearts. you need to know so bad.

so you'll get gloop content! i am a big fan of the little guy myself, really. but !!! this au is not ONLY about them, believe it or not! hehe. haha. giggles. ok ill stop

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

Hope Morphin Q&A

About a few months ago, I got a message from a surprising source: @hmrphin/Hope Morphin.

In case you don't know, Hope Morphin is a model and makeup artist who the character of Marc was based on. I also made a post about how their friendship with Astruc had ended thanks to the Rising Sun Flag controversy, which they had actually read one day. We talked a little, and they told me to message them on their Instagram to confirm that this is the real Hope.

They said they'd be down to answer some questions, I came up with a few, and I got their permission to post this on my account. So, without further ado, as Sid the Science Kid once said, let's go get some answers.

Question: When did you and Thomas first get to know each other, and how?

Answer: It was years ago, when the series premiered on TFOU. There were a lot of people complaining on twitter that the characters of the show were in 3D instead of in 2D, and I answered one of Thomas' tweets saying that characters' butts looked better in 3D rather than in 2D (yeah, I had a terrible sense of humor back then, glad I don't do that anymore) and he answered "yeah we could say that lol". Then, it became a running gag between us on the web, and we met for the first time at a french convention called Japan Tours, the 2015 one. So yeah, I think it was when I was... 20/21 years old, something like that.

Question: It's okay. We've all been cringe at some point in their lives. Did you two meet up again after the convention?

Answer: Yup. In fact, after the convention, he sent me a friend request on Facebook. Then, we chatted for a bit and he asked me if I wanted to be a model for him, and I met him for the second time during that model session.

Question: How did Thomas approach you about creating a character in his show based on you?

Answer: So, it was after I modeled for him. It happened after S1 has ended, so when we were chatting, he asked me which one was my favorite character. I answered Nathaniel, because at this time I felt quite close to this one (we love the angsty artist boy lmao). He told me that he didn't understand people liking Nath because he found it was a very empty character aha, but then he told me that they were searching for inspiration to create a boyfriend for him. He told me he wanted the persons to be happy that he got a boyfriend and that they would “stop bothering him with Nathaniel”, and as he wanted to take inspiration on someone looking androgynous he thought I was a good inspiration, so I accepted.

Question: Interesting story. Didn't know Nathaniel was so popular before Season 2. Did you have any input in the creation of Marc in terms of stuff like his design or personality?

Answer: Yeah he rather was, I remember a lot of people wanted to see more of him ehe. Not at all, I even though that he was joking on the moment, then one day he sent me Marc's characters sheet. I had the same haircut back in the day. Also, I was always wearing armor rings and I was wearing those kind of rings when I had this conversation with him, and he told me that Marc was going to have one of those as his miraculous. I was also still writing a lot back in the days, so I guess he still did took some stuff there and there in my personality to create him.

Question: You mean this design?

Answer: Yup! I was wearing only black sooo yeah the red and rainbow wasn't in my wardrobe aha.

Question: Do you know why they made the design rainbow themed?

Answer: Nah, he didn't told me :/ My guess is to make him more LGBT+ themed...

Question: Okay, sorry. Next question: What are your thoughts on Marc as a character? What do you think of his relationship with Nathaniel and his respective villain and hero forms, Reverser and Rooster Bold?

Answer: To be honest, when he first appeared, I really liked him. I thought he had a lot of potential as a character, his villain form was really cool and I really liked the ideas behind him, and I liked the relationship that he got with Nathaniel, from enemies to associates ehe. But after that... meh. There wasn't nothing much on the LGBT+ relationship with Nathaniel (we had to wait until the end of season 5 to see them hold hands... wow), and I didn't really find myself anymore in his character. I liked the design of his hero form and I liked the concept of his power, but like the other heroes that appeared during this episode, we didn't see Rooster Bold that much and I think that doesn't really make him feel appealing. I have the feeling that Marc and many other side characters could be way more develop in very cool subthemes but this is never really done in the series. Instead, now, they are just the characters getting out a whiteboard and giving terrible ideas to Marinette for her to date Adrien =="

Question: Just for fun, do you have any personal headcanons for Marc?

Answer: Well of course ehe, I have ton of those :D

Mmmh... For example, I think he is a dog person, that he's also fond of fashion such as Marinette but that he just don't have the patience to learn how to draw and how to design clothes... Also have the headcanon that him and Nath often meet at one of their places to do some little workshops together to work on their series and on tons of other projects :D

Got also tons of headcanon for future!Marc, such as him being a model for lgbt+ brands and Nath designing his clothes, I would love to see this shy patootie being at the front of the spotlight ehe, full of confidence and all :D There's tons of ideas to have with this character, I remember when I saw lots of artists drawing him with alternate clothes back in the day, such as shishitsunari or hazy (will try to find them back but it's been a while lol). I wish those clothing styles would be canon, with Marc rocking those kind of genderless clothes.

Links to fanart of Marc with different outfits: (https://www.deviantart.com/hazydayclouds/art/72918-756895643) and (https://ladyofacat.tumblr.com/post/176231424098/rises-from-the-underworld-marc-is-perfect-i-want)

Question: This one's a little tough, so if you don't want to answer, that's perfectly fine. What exactly went down before Thomas blocked you? Did you have any conversation online or in real life regarding the use of the Rising Sun Flag in "Ephemeral", or did Thomas just block you with no warning?

Answer: Honestly ? Blocked me without any warning. We were talking less and less, and, since I have affective dependancy, I had the feeling that I said / done something wrong. He was often answering only when I was defending him on social medias during these times. But we didn't have any harsh conversation from what I recall. So, I did the tweet about ephemeral, pointing out the use of the rising sun flag, and, well, maybe he had a plugin on twitter that blocked everyone using the term "flag", and maybe it blocked me automatically. The thing is : he has my number, he has my address (well, my old address now, lol). He had many ways to tell me this was a misunderstanding and that he didn't want to block me. He didn't call me, didn't send me any text after that to talk about it, so he clearly didn't want to make anything to sort out the problem. To this day, he still hasn't send me any message to talk about it. He commented on some of my facebook posts I did last year (I posted some makeups I did for my school) just saying it was cool, so... Yeah, not the type of friend I want to keep. I still have him as a friend on FB if I ever get the guts to try to send him a message to tell him everything that was wrong towards me and towards other people, but I clearly have other things to deal with lately.

Question: So he blocked you and didn't say anything else?

Answer: Yup, exactly, blocked me and didn't say anything else :/ After years of supporting him lmao.

Question: I'm really sorry to hear that. And you still haven't heard from him after all this time?

Answer: Well, apart from some comments he made on my facebook posts (I posted my makeup from my makeup school and he commented "very nice!") nothing at all. But honestly I'm not too bothered by that. I heard new stuff that he did prior and I really don't think it's a good idea that I interact with him again. I keep him in my facebook friends because maybe one day I'll send him a message to try to confront him, telling him that he had a very terrible behavior towards me and other people... But not today, I have other stuff to deal with.

Question: Despite everything that's happened between you and Thomas, do you still keep up with Miraculous Ladybug? If so, what do you think of it?

Answer:

Well, I've kept up with it because I still have lots of friends who are watching it (for example Octolady, Kogenta and Candy...), and they help me keep a little hype.

So I watched the episodes... There are some stuff that I like. There's good LGBT+ representation, and I like seeing an international known cartoon doing that (especially a french one since we have lots of far-right rising lately).

But honestly, I don't have the same hype as before. At the beginning, I was hyped because S1 looked awesome and had lots of cool fights, lots of wholesome characters and all, but the animation problems and differences are really making me bothered. Also, I have the feeling there's a lot of characters who could be more elaborated and who aren't, and... That's kinda sad, because there's a lot of topics that could be explored thanks to them and not just brushed off in one episode.

Plus, to be honest, I didn't really like the ending of S5. And I don't like the idea of it going on for seasons and seasons and seasons, milked until there's nothing more for it. The fewer the better in my mind...

I also seen the movie and didn't really liked it. Too much fanservice and didn't really made sense. The animation was nice, though.

Honestly, I love the writing team, they are wholesome people and they are doing their best for this show, but people like Thomas and Zag are the kind of people I don't want to support anymore. So yeah... To sum it up : still watching it from afar to see if nice stuff is happening, been pleased with some little stuff, displeased with a lot more, but I don't think I'll keep watching it both because I'm not that hyped up anymore and because I don't want to support anymore these 2 people. I supported Thomas too much before, was too attached to him and was a terrible person towards fans who didn't deserved it because I was too blind, so yeah, won't happen anymore.

Still, I'm glad there's still some people who are fans of Marc and who felt helped thanks to this character. I really hope he will have a better representation in the future (clear relationship with Nath, maybe even some trans / non-binary representation ?) in order to inspire young people.

----------------------------------------------------------

I'd like to personally thank Hope for being willing to answer my questions, and I highly reccommend giving their Instagram a follow.

[redhoodinternaldialectical]

Thoughts on Jason Todd’s choice of weaponry?

:D an ask! Yay!

Oooh, lets see, I'll start with the crowbars because I appear to be like one of three people on the entire planet who actually likes them.

They're a tacky as fuck riff on the fact that Jason's death is central to his character. They overemphasize the manner in which he died, muddy the waters about what part of his death is important to him, and strangely cheapens the manner in which he died through the parody feel of it.

No one seems to really disagree with my analysis here, but I happen to enjoy that about them and think it's very on brand for Jason. What can I say? They're fun!

Best Quality - His Wiggles

This ultra-sharp curved blade used to be his signature character design feature, the way the white streak in his hair is now, and I'm really not sure why it didn't stick!

Best weapon he's ever had, bring it back please!!!!!

The All-Blades

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

I have mixed feelings about the All-Blades. Like much of Lobdell's work: phenomenal idea, poor execution. Giving the guy who is most known for being morally grey a set of powers that is exclusively based on moral absolutes sucks shit, I gotta be honest, and the trick he pulled on the blood blade was cool but ultimately does nothing to solve those problems.

HOWEVER

I want to love them so fucking badly. A set of glowy soul blades is a dope sicknasty off the chain concept and I wish the well wasn't poisoned with the moral implications and the restrictions to use them only on the "Untitled", a set of enemies that only exist for Jason so far as I can tell. If someone seriously took Jason down a magic based path that removed the DnD alignment chart bullshit, I would be so game to see them come back! Hell I wouldn't even insist on a better cooler design for them!

...though uh, yeah those are the least interesting magic sword designs I've ever seen tbh

Normal Ass Swords

They're alright I guess. Like, there's nothing in it really, but it's not bad?

Guns - Real Bullets

Excellent, evocative yet simple, straightforwards and to the point. It makes hella sense thematically to boot, love this for him, please give him back his pistols and miniguns and shit

Guns - Rubber Bullets

Hate. HATE. hate ick disgusting bad NO.

I just fucking hate rubber bullets, like, as a concept. I refuse to accept "non-lethal" bullets as a valid use of gun, either in real life or in fiction. Guns are for putting many holes in things very fast!!!! If you're gonna use a gun, fucking well own up to that!!! Do not play this silly ass game of pretending that you can change out the material and do the same things as with lead bullets but with the video game status effect of "non-lethal" applied. YOU ARE GIVING PEOPLE SMALL CIRCULAR BRUISES. This is still harmful, yes, ooph ouchie, but it is not even slightly a good use of a gun, you are wasting holster space, and carry weight, and the physical materials used to make it all!!

JUST USE A FUCKING STICK! YOU DON'T RUN OUT OF STICK AMMO!

My belief in his capacity to take out enemies is shattered the instant those fuckers are on panel. Maybe this ain't entirely rational, or realistic to how fights go with rubber bullets IRL, but I hate them so much on principle that I will ignore any counterargument you might have that they'd work. I will die on this hill. Rubber bullets BAD. Please stop making him use this!!

Bombs

Love it, give him more bombs forever

ka-BOOM!!!!

His Brain

This is actually his best weapon - sorry wiggly knife, you're being shunted down to number 2 on a last minute technicality! I think Jason is at his best when he's outsmarting people and making long term fucked up schemes to ruin people's lives.

He's so good at it! It's so fun to watch him do it!

Genuinely a shame that this facet of him was mostly lost after Flashpoint, though to give credit where it is due, in Rebirth Jason did ruin the Penguin's life in an impressively elaborate way, which I did really enjoy. I want to see him be a tactical deliberate menace to one person in specific again idk, that's part of why I do kinda agree that he works better as an antagonist than a protagonist - which it should be noted does not mean I think he works better as a villain necessarily, his ethics aren't what matter here - he's just had his best moments as the schemer, and it's hard to have a protagonist schemer even when you make them ethically the good guy.

I hope you enjoyed my nattering on about Jason's weapons :D thank ye again for ask!

[knightyoomyoui]

Jihyo x M/F Reader - "Just A Feeling"

This book makes a return today! For this oneshot, I'm sorry if this one may be complicated to read since I didn't make any outline for it and kind of... weird to read too, especially for female readers out there. This one is actually intended to be only for male readers because I think the plot of this suits them better since the story came from my perspective as a guy and from a real-life experience I'm currently going through. Don't worry though, I still tried my best to make this applicable to everybody since I made some changes to make it gender neutral, plus there's opinions from some various featured female K-Pop idols as my characters that portray my real-life classmates here, which female readers might relate to. So yeah, basically what you're about to read here is based on a true story (except starting from the climax until the end, which I just made up from my imagination since I haven't confessed yet lol.) about my huge crush with this one genuine girl from our class. And oh, I've said it already that it's not gonna be a fluff right? It's not gonna be a tearjerker though but for the softies there, this might hurt. Don't worry though, I'm going to write a one-shot special on weekend that relies more on fluff. Finally saw something that inspired me to write, that's why. Heh.

I was eating in our cafeteria along with my circle of friends in our room, talking about—well, guess what—sex education. We were trying our best to remain open-minded about the topic. Honestly, I don’t even have any idea why we would insert this topic to arrange a conversation in the middle of the public.

I know that these things should be taken seriously because they provide knowledge on how to establish a healthy sexual life in the future, but I just couldn’t help but feel a bit ashamed. Well, I wouldn’t be if only these girls would just lower their mouths whenever they'd ask or mention a term, especially when it’s too silly to hear.

I was afraid that others might hear us and lose appetite because of what we were discussing. I already made my move, providing a question pertaining to my curiosity and thankfully they answered me with the expected answer I wanted to know. That’s why I moved my head and roamed my eyes around to distract myself away from them since I don’t really find their current discussion interesting to me.

Looking around, there are many students along with us doing their own business mindfully. Eating together or alone in their respective spots and typing on the computer or writing notes as they review for their subject while on a break. Each was from different courses and grade levels, and of course we wouldn’t be the exception.

Some of our classmates too were on the another table, with them being formed together into their own circle they belong in. That is, until my eyes landed on her again as I check upon them. The girl with sharp jawline, boyish wild haircut, adorable with a touch of chic aura in her visual, and those big eyes I couldn’t avoid but to get sucked in whenever I get to be in contact with those shimmering pairs of hers.

The name of the girl I’m describing with much creativity and detail is Park Jihyo. She’s currently one of our brightest students in our class. If I’ll compare myself to her, well my intelligence is pretty below average and subpar to her attributes.

Whenever I glanced at her, I couldn’t help but pause and take a short time to admire what my sight was displaying for me. Just like today, she has that serious expression that I find both intimidating and… hot? Yeah, yeah, fine, you got me. I do think of her sometimes as a dominant or possessive girlfriend who loves to claim and tease, and I do get a bit intense and aroused just by thinking about it, especially when it fits her a lot along with her lean figure.

Damn it, you wouldn’t blame me. She literally is the embodiment of a girl crush that others would kneel on their knees for her. I may have not saw somebody like that, but oh I can’t just deny those words I’ve heard from the girls and guys on my room simping for her.

Setting aside to those qualities, I’ll make it plain and simple that she’s that beautiful in my eyes. I don’t care if I’m falling in love to a boisterous and fiery tomboy like Jihyo. Deep inside of that cool and boyish appearance of hers, I couldn’t count how many times I’ve encountered that soft girly demeanor she was hiding. That time when she squealed and raised both her fists in the air while looking appalled as the volleyball almost hit her face during our class in physical education would be my favorite.

She smiled again and laughed at whatever they were talking about, which is effectively contagious. She has that much effect on me already. Whenever her mood is, will be the same as mine. Guess I could say that’s how I could tell that I’m highly attached on her now.

I was so busy complimenting and being in awe of her that I almost responded too late when I saw Jihyo start to move her eyes around, and she went in the direction I was in. Just a little angle she shifted, and she would’ve caught my eyes staring at her, looking like it was attempting to hallucinate and connect to mine too.

But I was too weak for that, as always. I’m always weak for her. I pretend I didn’t just went to their side and busy admiring her as I returned to my friend’s discussion while my peripheral vision has unknown whether she felt like someone was stalking at her or as usual, nothing.

2 days later, we were waiting for the Calculus class to end because our professor has left us for some numerous problems to solve on the board and use it as an advantage to increase our points in recitation. He definitely might’ve went again to the mall and go eat samgyupsal again with his officemates at the faculty room that’s why we know we already have the freedom to be noisy and indulge on those differential equation as much as we want.

Our professor is busy grilling meat and stuffing wagyu meat in his mouth while us as his students were busy grilling our minds and stuffing numbers across the board.

While I was confidently sitting on my chair just watching my classmates go berserk on dribbling equations of their own since I already had my turn to have a recitation point, my female classmate named Miyeon invited me for a chat with her because mainly she’s bored.

We did chatter for any laughable random topics for like 10 minutes until I heard her enter a question that had me locked in on my seat.

“Say, YN. I noticed that you had shared so many sad posts about romance these days on Facebook. Are you heartbroken?” She asked me.

“Uhh… that? W-well, I just like those kind of posts. Nothing much.” I smiled fakely at her.

“You sure?” She stared at me. I just nodded and awkwardly removed my gaze at her as I act like I was trying to keep myself busy on my notes.

“You have a crush on someone, don’t you?”

I slowly turned around and my stupid self chose to rose my brows making myself shocked rather than meeting itself and show some confusion. Now I’m busted.

“H-how can you say so?”

“Wouldn’t most of the people around social media does that whenever they admire somebody and they just left to be… unwanted back?” She shared. “I’ve been through that, that’s why I know.”

I remained silent as I sighed. I glanced at Jihyo again, she was being recorded now by one of our close friends in the room as she explains the solution she wrote on the board. That’s what our professor instructed us to do so that he can acknowledge our points, is to sent him our video that we’re tackling about the equation we answered.

“There is, huh.” She confirmed. I was being too obvious already so with defeat, I just let her expose me more. “She’s in our class isn’t it?”

My eyes widened. My body trembled as she already made another guess but a more accurate one this time. Miyeon seems to be an observative type of person, and more untrained and horrible attempts of pretending that I contradict her guesses would just make me look dumber in front of her.

I sighed and chuckled at myself from getting caught. “Yeah. She is.”

“Woah!” She exclaimed. “So YN here also has a crush of his/her own here huh!” She teased me as she referred to me being another addition to those established “couples” in our room. Most of them were now officially together and others, well I don’t know but mostly I’ve learned these days that they already confessed and sadly, they were rejected but still remains to be a tough lover for them.

“Who’s your crush then?” I shushed her with my gesture, as there’s our classmates still sitting in front of us and they might hear us. I don’t want tk get humiliated more just by being put into a hot seat getting confronted who’s the girl i’m into these days.

“D-do you want me to give you a clue?” I asked, I wanted to play a game with her first she already caught me easily, now I want to test her this time.

“Oh sure, what is it?”

“Okay, hmm….” I hummed but I didn’t think that much because i already knew what I would give to her. “She’s a person.”

“Luh.” She reacted and whined. “Cmon, be serious!”

I just laughed at her befuddled response and think again, with all seriousness this time. “Okay, fine. She’s a social butterfly.”

“Ooohhh social butterfly…” Miyeon started to think. “There’s so many classmates of ours that are giddy to get close with others. Is it Jiyeon?”

“Nope. 19 left.” I said, crossing out one from the list of number of girls in our room.

“Aaaahhhh!” She screamed but jokingly, already panicking at just one guess. “Whooo?”

“Try more!”

“Aish, is it Julie?”

“Nope.”

“Ehhh?” She scratched her nape. “Next clue!”

“Okay fine, I’ll give you just three okay?” She nodded and readjusted her posture on her seat, she seemed very invested on knowing who my crush is. “The second one is… she’s smart.”

“Smart…” she began thinking again. “But most of us here are very good at anything.”

I smirked, feeling satisfied that I gave a mysterious clue for her more. “Is it Mina?”

“Nah.” I shook my head, but I admit in my thoughts that i almost fell for Mina once like back when we were freshman.

“Danielle?!” Miyeon’s eyes brightened as she thought she finally achieved the right answer. I shook my head and gave her an apologetic look, which shuts off the spark in her eyes instantly.

Miyeon pouted and lets out an even struggling look at me. “I’m starting to run out of ideas!”

“Miyeon you’ve only told me like… 5 of our classmates so far.”

“Fire the last clue!”

“Okay. The last one is that… you probably won’t expect her to be my crush.”

Her eyebrows lifted and hummed fascinatingly at me. “That just made things interesting. Won’t expect to be your crush? So it means it’s not actually your type but you just seem to get a liking on that person?”

“Hmm maybe?”

“Wait…” she paused that lasted a little bit longer than just few seconds. Her head raised and I wondered why her eyes softened as she slowly looked at me and pushed her head closer.

“What? You got the answer now?”

“YN… is it me?” Miyeon asked. She was staring at me with pure seriousness and jaw hanging slightly in surprise. I gasped as I was shocked at her answer. I know that she’s one of the girls around who is also pretty but still I didn’t expect that it really came out of her mouth, that she also considered herself too.

“N-no! It’s not you and Miyeon, you already have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah.” She agreed, understandably took my reason well. “But… it’s just a crush though, so…”

“Still no. I don’t fall in love to women who are already taken. I respect relationships and I don’t want to create conflicts for other people. Although, I admit that you’re beautiful.” I smiled at her. She returned the same and pushed my shoulder. “Wow, just like that huh?”

“I don’t know, you sound like you were urging me to say something nice to you atleast.”

“I wasn’t! B-but that doesn’t mean I won’t take your compliment at me.” She giggled. “Anyways, I pass. Cmon tell me who it is!”

I exhaled. To be fair, I wasn’t really up for sharing this with anybody. It’s not that I don’t want anybody to know because I don’t trust them, but I’m doing this rather to avoid the possibility that she may learn more about what I really feel for her from other people. I just want to be a complete secret admirer of her.

However, since I was already cornered by Miyeon, it seems like my plans have to undergo some changes. I feel a bit of pity for this girl because she has shared some of her stories with me, and I listened and kept them all to myself, just like she wanted to. Thatimplies that she views me as someone she can trust.

That’s why I felt obligated that I had to treat her in the same manner. I mean, Miyeon is one of the girls in our class that I find really pure and mature and who knows how to blend well when having fun with other people.

“Fine. You know I never really intended to tell this to others because for some reasons, I don’t want anybody to tease me, accidentally become obvious, or make others bother with what I’m facing at right now… but I do trust you Miyeon, you know that. And please let’s keep it to ourselves okay?”

“Oh don’t worry about me.” Miyeon then bounced on her seat with a large grin. “I’m so excited to know!”

“W-well… the girl that I’m-”

“What are you two up to?” My other classmate interrupted our conversation, looking at us as she twirled her body on the chair to go back and forth at us. I was surprised that we’re like able to be caught despite our distances being one vacant row from each other. Our voices aren’t even that loud.

Miyeon and I exchanged glances and she was controlling her laughter as she saw me looking nervous. “W-we’re just playing a game! He’s trying to make me identify who is-”

“Aahhhh wait, I think I know what you two are talking about.” Her eyes then shrinked and it went towards me who is blushing. She smirked and find my current state hilarious. “I’ve been seeing something about this one eh. I think I know who may that be.”

Both Miyeon and I were eager to know, especially me who is heavily related to the one she was talking about. About our conversation with Miyeon, she finally learn who that is and she was amused to know that she agrees at the clues I gave to her. She really didn’t expected that I’ll be admiring somebody like Jihyo and commented that it wasn’t visible to me all these time. She couldn’t blame me though for having a crush with Jihyo, as she revealed that she’s bisexual and she once had a crush on her too before she met her boyfriend.

Meanwhile, about our other classmate who is holding a thought that shares my secret. I wanted to know about it. Thankfully, both of us were walking home together since Nako which is her name, lives almost close to our neighborhood.

We were riding on a bus and we talked about what she said earlier. I had no choice but to reveal to her since I already did it to Miyeon and it’s going to be unfair if I don’t do it for her too. She might feel offended that I rather not to disclose it to her.

She learned and she laughed so hard that she was actually right which had me speechless. She found it interesting too just like Miyeon that I got to be in love with someone like Jihyo. Me on the other hand, has a huge “How?” question displayed on my head.

She only replied that it’s her guts that is telling her and even her didn’t expected that she would got it correct. What she said though did had me find it difficult to maintain my smile. “But really, for me I don’t see Jihyo being attracted to a guy/girl. It’s more possible that she’s rather into girls because of her looks, but she did told me one time what does she think of her gender and she only told me that it’s complicated. Will it still going to be okay for you knowing that your rivals when it comes to her were all female/male?”

She shared to me her observation and I got it immediately what her basis for that. I suddenly had Jihyo on my mind along with her tomboy look that can make girls crazy and gay for her. “I don’t know, I don’t mind it that much. They can all admire her for whatever they want. What matters to me more is Jihyo. Only her.” I just said nonchalantly to her, which she find a bit suspicious why I care less about it.

Whether by coincidence or not, more and more days have passed, and my other classmates that I’m close with are all girls. Have I mentioned that I’m comfortable and easy to befriend with girls rather than guys? I never had a sister in my life; that’s why I view them as my sister-like figures, but still, I know how to set my boundaries with them due to society’s common stereotype of seeing two opposite genders together.

They all also began to know my adoration for Jihyo, and they are either secretive or teaseful about it, and I find myself on the brink of danger whenever they do that on occasions that me and Jihyo would have an interaction together. Some examples I can give are when I, along with Nako and her, were discussing our anticipation of attending the concert of our favorite K-pop group this coming week.

I was expressing my loneliness to them rather because I wasn’t entirely sure if my parents would allow me to attend such a huge event like that and for me also to travel to a place that is very far away from our city. I was about to give up my hopes until a certain person simply boosted my faith again and not wanting to let me go that easily.

“You should go to that concert, YN! It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, you should not waste it!”

Jihyo spoke to me and she gave me that hopefulness and positivity. She knew I might need it for her and if that so then she’s damn right. I couldn’t ask for anything more than to hear a support and concern than from her.

And later that night, I tried to ask my parents about it, and shockingly, they allowed me to, as long as I had someone with me. Nako joined me, while Jihyo went with her sister. I got a little excited, thinking I was going to be with her too, but that’s just fine. At least, I still got some heart-bursting interaction with her on social media when we both exchanged heart reactions on our posts about our experience at the concert.

Another time I could give that one of the best things I would want to just happen forever in my life was when I got unexpectedly sick in the school, and what’s even more suck about the timing is that we were rehearsing for our roleplay performance in just 3 days.

Our director set me aside for now and gave me a time to recover but ofcourse the worry of me not being able to make it to the deadline struck a fear on him. I just lay down on one of the benches with all of my classmate’s bags around me. I tried to sleep but the pain in my head just won’t let me go in peace.

I was about to go to the clinic with no other option in mind because I didn’t actually want to go there because, um, yeah, call me a scaredy cat, but I’ve heard many times from some of the students, including my classmates, that our school nurse is a terror. She’s so strict that there’s no doubt that once she finds me, my temperature will be high. Since the pandemic happened, these medical professionals have been very careful for the past few years.

One positive detection and surely I’m gone for today. I just sighed defeatedly because I wanted to practice today and to see her ofcourse. I sat up and gave myself time to prepare myself as I might feel dizzy standing up, but then I heard some footsteps and felt arms wrapped around me.

“J-jihyo?” I exclaimed weakly. She must’ve felt my body trembled in shock as I found her beside me. She just looked at me and tightlipped.

“You’re going to the clinic now?”

“Yeah. I have to.”

“You can’t do it by yourself. Look how weak you look. Cmon, I’ll join you on your way there.”

“Y-you sure? B-but they might look for you and-

“I just finished rehearsing my part. My next one is three acts after, so they wouldn’t mind.” Jihyo said. “But it’s up to you, can you do it by yourself?”

“Actually, I really didn’t want to go home yet.” I said with sincerity of sadness on my voice.

“I know, but you have to.” Jihyo said to me. “Let’s go.”

We started walking, and I gave one last look at my classmates. I caught Miyeon, who saw me with Jihyo smiling at us, and I knew what that meant. We went together to the clinic, and I feel embarrassed that I had to make a girl wait for me outside, even though she didn’t mind me that much. The nurse wasn’t even that scary; she was rather strict, but in the sense that she’s doing it because she cares for the students’ health.

She found my fever weird because… hmm how can I say this, well it’s like my temperature risen due to hunger, dehydration and possibly some changes of temperature also to the places I’ve been at since she discovered that I don’t actually feel dizzy or aching on my head.

That’s why due to my determination to remain here, she dared me to atleast decrease my temperature by having a meal and lots of water on the canteen or else she’ll have to excuse me to my instructor.

I went out of the clinic, accepting the challenge and Jihyo was just there sitting and using her cellphone. She felt my presence reappeared and she greeted me. “How’s there?”

I repeated what the nurse told me. “Come on, let’s eat at the canteen first if that so.”

“Yeah.”

“My treat.”

“Wait, what?”

We stopped walking. “Why? What’s the problem?”

“N-nothing, I just… didn’t expect it.”

“Just don’t do anything for now. Since I accompanied you, let me just be like that today before we get back there.”

In my surprise, Jihyo wrapped her arm around my shoulders, giving me that bro-cuddle. I felt super shy and almost going to melt because of the skinship she’s doing to me. It’s ironic how her touch can beat the warm temperature running across my body.

She was the one who bought our food and drinks together and she returned to our place with it. We just took our meal quietly then short talks about our interests again, but it was still enough for me. I give some sneak glances at Jihyo on my side, observing her sipping that iced coffee while she busily scrolls down on her phone.

My body suddenly felt lighter and numb, I think my sickness didn’t even exist to worry myself as I was just busy admiring her all over again. Not gonna lie, this just had me spawning another idea to imagine being with her more. A date with her is something I’d definitely would love to have someday with her.

But again, I knew I have no chance.

The deadline came and we were going back to the clinic, but just then Jihyo offered me something. It’s a medicine on the palm of her hand.

“Take this, it’ll help more.”

“Jihyo, you might need it once you-”

“But I don’t have one and you are, that’s why you need it more than me.” Jihyo rejected. “Just take it.”

I didn’t object anymore and took it at ease from her. “Thanks, Jihyo.”

“No prob, now get in there and hopefully you’re fine now. I mean, you’re kinda sweating now too so yeah maybe you really needed some rest.” She said as she poked at my arm.

I nodded and I entered with confidence, I know that Jihyo helped me a lot today. Fortunately, we were right. My temperature returned to normal still very close on reaching that low fever. I exit and immediately thanked Jihyo again which she returned with her gummy smile that I always loved seeing from her.

It was our classmates’ break too from the rehearsal and they saw us together rejoining them. As usual, Nako and Miyeon were the ones leading the group of people who knows my crush for Jihyo and they teased me about it.

And speaking of group of people who knows about my love secret, a new one has been added. It happened through our chat in Instagram when somebody replied in my story featuring a movie quote about loving someone but being aware of the consequences which makes you rather think twice on pushing yourself to chase for her feelings.

That person is the guy Jihyo is mostly close with in our classroom. They are both smart, but this one is smarter and they get along easily because they share the same humor. He replied to me saying “Who is that girl huh?”

I didn’t tell him yet. We went for some few talks until I recalled our time on the mall earlier with our other classmates. “Hey, I hope you don’t mind joining your circle like earlier. Maybe you guys might find having me uncomfortable, I just wanted to keep my closeness with you guys as my classmates.”

“We’re cool, YN. Actually I like it even more that you’re trying.” He said. “However, I do seem it doesn’t apply for somebody.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think out of everyone we were with at the mall earlier, I didn’t even saw you like interact or go near at Jihyo.” He said. I almost dropped my phone in disbelief. He did noticed me being shy around Jihyo. Sensing that he’ll end up as one of them who is about to find out soon, I didn’t wait for it anymore and after some few hesitation, I made up my mind to do what I have to do. “Did you two had a fight or something?”

“Ahh, that?” I said. “Well actually there’s another reason why you guys might find me sticking along to your circle more.”

He reacted a wow emoji on my message. My heartbeat racing as I typed the letters of her name on the keyboard. After i sent it, I waited for his reaction and what had me was his long laughter.

“Ahhhh so that’s why!” I can hear his annoying laugh behind the phone. My head just bent in shame and laughed poorly at my idiotic self. I don’t know if revealing my crush for Jihyo is even a good or a bad idea to do it with this guy.

“So yeah, I said it to you now. And I did it because I trust you so please, don’t let her know. She doesn’t need to.” I pleaded to him.

“Faggot, don’t.” He then continued with another laughter. Now I just want to rub my face on the table. “Good luck tomorrow, I’m going to tease you a lot from now on.”

I knew it would happen. I gulped nervously and chuckled again imagining what would I expect starting tomorrow if things will go in a chaotic change for me now that people are starting to recognize me because of being an admirer to our fellow classmate.

I prepared myself before going to the campus. As I arrived there, Sehun, which is his name, immediately laughed at me as I approach them who are waiting for our professor to arrive since the classroom is still locked. I just laughed back and whined at him to stop doing it frequently or else Jihyo might find it suspicious and it may attract her attention.

Thankfully, he did listened. He was just like doing it in a manner that he tries his best to insert a joke referring to me but Jihyo and the rest won’t notice. Before we went home as our classes for today ended, he gave me a short advice that began to repeat for the few days to come or whenever we get to talk together.

“Make a move already.” He said. “Do it. She’s easy to get along with. Don’t be nervous.”

I know to myself that I’m trying, but I’m not doing that to impress myself. I stand at my reason still why I don’t have any plans to make an action on how to make her mine. He did say it with the same idea I was thinking for the past few months since I started to develop an attraction to Jihyo, so I just listened to him while keeping my feelings behind me.

But again, being the dorky admirer that I am, I find it difficult to do whenever my feet would bring me closer to me or when I’m standing next to her. I couldn’t acknowledge her presence in ease. It was stressful, and it raises my belief that I am indeed a hopeless romantic.

It continued for few months that my classmates would also ran out of energy to disturb me with their playful gestures on leading me to Jihyo. They slowly didn’t cared at all and it was kind of relieving at least that’s going back to normal now that I can just move around without anybody noticing me. That didn’t last long though when I was walking home with my classmates and two of my other female classmates named Jeewon and Karina asked me randomly when Jihyo got mentioned in our topic.

“You still have feelings for her?” Jeewon asked me.

“Yeah.” I admitted.

“How long do you have a crush on her?”

I remembered the date today and that exact date when I proclaimed myself that I am indeed catching feelings for Jihyo. “Almost a year now.”

Both of them woah-ed. Karina took the turn to ask me. “Why aren’t you doing anything yet? You’re almost reaching a year, that’s long enough already.”

I sighed and slumped my shoulders. “It doesn’t matter. I believe its better if she must not know. I don’t want her to end up with me anyway.” I said weakly as my mind replayed that time when I talked with my other classmate named Lia who lives at the direction where my home leads at, stating that she learned that Jihyo doesn’t have any interest on this love thingie and she prioritize her studies first. She didn’t deny the part though that she already had an experience of being in love with somebody. Based on her report, they almost became a couple back when they were in senior high school but sadly, it didn’t happened for unknown reason.

Jeewon and Karina aww-ed in pity for me being a fallen soldier who still remains loyal fo a girl who will never be aware of my feelings and be mine. They just expressed their opinion that a year or more might just be wasted and more painful to see somebody I’m loyal with get to be rather with someone else. That’s why they still wanted to push me to try atleast.

I just kept it in mind but I haven’t considered it yet. I did have another reason with me that i didn’t shared to them which added to my reasons why I should remain on the shadows. I recalled from my chat with Lia that she has speculations to her ex-boyfriend, which is Sehun that he is interested with Jihyo too.

She even enumerated to me her evidences she observed which became a reminiscence to the things Sehun once did for her when he was courting her.

“First, you see how he always places himself next to Jihyo. Second, he was frequently escorting her with his motorcycle, to take her home or go to somewhere else. He did that to me once, and that’s when he found out where I live in and now for sure he knows where Jihyo’s home too. Lastly, he can just easily get access on her things without a permission. He even carries her bag for himself!

Don’t you think those were still nothing for him? I’m telling you, he’s chasing for Jihyo’s feelings just like how he did to me and what makes me afraid is that he might also waste her heart just like how I ended up into. He’s a player!” She said with all frustrations and I calmed her down. It threw me back to my conversations with Sehun and that advice he gave me which he always say in repeat that I should “Make a move already”.

At first it was just a simple encouragement to me but now after hearing what Lia said, I felt like it was rather a challenge sent to me. That I should do something now or else he’ll be the one who’s gonna win in the end.

Well, for my response? I don’t even care. Let him have her if he wants. If there’s some sort a miracle that it happens, I swear to God that I hope he won’t hurt Jihyo or else,I may reconsider and I’ll be there in no time.

Speaking or miracle, the reason I said it like that is because Lia and I share the same idea: “Pfft he wouldn’t have a chance with her.” Lia said in a mocking tone. “Jihyo doesn’t want to get involved with such guys like him. He may be great at words but internally? He’s immature, way apart to Jihyo.”

“Hmmm so that’s why I’m getting a weird feeling whenever I see them together” I revealed that I actually do get jealous whenever I see them close. At the bench where they review together with their circle, At the canteen where they eat and laugh together. And… yeah when he instructed Jihyo to hug him when they were riding on his motorcycle.

I just tried to hide my face contorting as my heart swells in pain seeing them like that. I was gaslighting myself that maybe it was nothing and they’re close friends that’s why. Jihyo met Sehun early when we became freshman that’s why them being close isn’t surprising anymore.

Until Lia came to dispose those lies I’ve been saying to myself. “See! Even you can see it from them. Trust me, YN. Sehun is making a move on Jihyo. I was his ex, I know him better when he acts for love.”

A month later, those all allegations and rumors we have for Sehun along with my other friend and former classmate who shifted to another course named Arin who also told me that she caught Sehun with another girl eating together and drive away on his motorcycle near at their neighorhood. Arin was living near to Sehun’s house that’s why. Arin even added that when her eyes met against Sehun’s it looked like he caught in the act and just quickly greeted at her back before they left.

Unfortunately, Arin didn’t recognize the girl but she did told me that she was wearing a uniform that is not from our campus, planting a seed that the girl is from another campus that he is also close with.

Going back to what I was saying, those all rumors were ended and disposed away when one day, me and Sehun are sitting next to each other at our subject about Psychology since our surnames’ initials are right next to each other, with mine before his.

While we wait for our instructor, he pulls out his phone and typed something before he poked me and made me look at it. I looked at the message he sent, I read it and it says:

“You’re in danger, YN.”

I furrowed my brows at him. “Danger? For what?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Boss is starting to speculate you.”

My eyes widened and my chest felt heavy immediately. His laugh got a bit louder but he stopped and typed again on his phone.

“Seriously? I-I mean, I’m not shocked since I knew it’s gonna happen. Secrets are meant to be unveiled-” I was just spitting nonsense now at this point, while I am heavily confused that she finally does began to notice me.

He presented his phone again. This time it says:

“Make a move already. Sungbin is almost at the end.” My brows deepened. Who the hell is Sungbin? I then asked it to him along with the question how did Jihyo suspected me, but instead he just said he will say about it more later.

That son of a bitch though left me hanging and getting eaten alive with all my curiosities for an entire day until I had enough waiting and I chatted him repeatedly about it while clearing up any misunderstandings that I’m not even expecting a lot or whatever. He finally responded and this is what he replied to me.

“Yup she shared it to me like, out of nowhere- she just asked. This is not what happened specifically, huh. This is just too long to read.

For her sake and yours. I don’t want to become your “middle man” even though you both are very distant to each other, got it?

After she approached me, she asked who do you like then ofcourse since you said before that you don’t want me to say it plus it’s not really my business so I just didn’t answered her.

But it looks like she didn’t really wanted to ask it then, I guess she got tired of waiting (just like you right now.) She then asked me directly if “Am I the one that YN likes?” and there, still with respect for you… I didn’t answered her. Not my story to tell.

But overall, just chill. No need to approach her about it anyway. Plus I don’t want to get involved if ever like “Sehun was the one who said it to you, doesn’t he?” Pass. I don’t want to get in trouble. There, make your move or don’t. It’s up to you. She's not thinking about it like actively, don’t worry. Maybe it just crossed her mind that time. So yeah, that’s your too long to read. Ciao.”

I thanked him and felt touched that he really did listen after all this time, and he became a man of his word for it. It’s still unknown though if he also harbored a crush on Jihyo, but during that time I did kind of notice that he wasn’t getting that much into contact with her that I might find jealous of. Maybe he gave up shortly and is now focusing on somebody else.

I learned afterwards that this is not the time that Jihyo starts to investigate her possible secret admirer, aka me. I confirmed from some of my classmates that Jihyo also asked them about it, and they also lied about it. I also feel like Jihyo is now also hiding a secret from me, as I found her following me whenever I take a spot somewhere else around the campus, yet still minus the talking.

I got nervous at the idea that maybe she’s testing or examining my antics if she can consider it that yeah I am getting shy around her because she’s my crush afterall. Realizing that she must have known now, I’m stuck if i really have to do it as there’s no more sense anymore if I have to continue being like this way.

I then hold on for few days until the time has come. I don’t know if this is such a huge coincidence or my classmates are pulling a prank on me. I did contacted them to confirm the location of our group study and the time which I quickly prepped up to head there.

But as I arrived there, I found Jihyo who is sitting alone and using her cellphone. It’s early in the morning and there’s not much students scattered around. It’s very quiet and peaceful but deep inside of me I feel like my emotions are going into war not knowing what I should do.

There’s no way out for me as I cannot leave anymore and Jihyo immediately saw me after she looked away at her phone. I had no choice but to come near at her while I try my best to compose myself. “Good morning.” She greeted me and I did the same.

“They’re still not here? I thought I’m already late that’s why I quickly went here.” I said, acting nonchalant and a bit confused.

“Same too. But since we’re here, let’s just wait for them.” I nodded and I instantly grabbed my things and took them out. From my peripheral vision, my senses are telling me that Jihyo is still observing me.

I don’t want to be weird so I silently plead that she stop, but as longer as we continue to be like this, I then realized that it was actually Jihyo who is becoming awkward between us. My patience couldn’t hold anymore as I see her blank face, I closed my notes and sighed heavily before I spoke the words I’ve never wanted to say.

“This is exactly what I’m talking about.” I said. Jihyo didn’t moved and stared at me, wondering what I’m talking about, so I proceeded with my words. “Making you uncomfortable and unhappy being around me, and it scares me. That’s what I’m being so hesitant for.”

I lowered my head, avoiding her gaze at me. What she said after made me lift up and put my attention to her as this is now something both she and I must discuss sincerely.

“So it’s me.” She finally comprehended what I’m trying the say.

“Always has been, Jihyo.” I confirmed, officially marking my confession to her and shattering my more than a year-length of being her secret admirer.

“And I just want to tell you right ahead that i’m very sorry.” I continued my heartfelt speech, wanting to make every thing clear for Jihyo. “We both know we ain’t that close or I don’t know, even be called as friends to have a normal conversation like this, and it’s my fault. It’s because of this deep infatuation- no screw that, I know for myself that this is indeed love I’ve been having on you that makes me act very awkward around you and trust me, I’m trying very very hard but I just cannot help it.”

“I do notice that I’m like the only one that you don’t get to interact with in the class.” Jihyo said. “Hearing that from you more, it did kind of hurt a litlle bit, you know. Seeing our classmates happy and comfortable talking with you, but I can’t have it the same as them. It did made me worried if I even did something bad to you. W-why does it have to be different when it comes to me?”

I frowned and took all of her rants with guilt. “I thought it was like that, but now I would just found out that’s all because you just… love me that much that you had to act like I’m non-existent?”

“I’m really sorry, Jihyo.” I muttered. “I have my reasons but it’s too many to say.”

“Then atleast enlighten me why do you have to set yourself away?”

“My fears and insecurities are not allowing me to, Jihyo.” My breathing is starting to get heavy as I sense the rising intensity of our confrontation. Jihyo was staring at me, puzzled. “It’s hard to escape. I’m scared that if you once knew, you will just ignore me because of it. That’s why I think not being close with you is much better because atleast I… I have nothing to lose more from you.”

Jihyo gulped and her expression turned into concern. She was about to move towards me but she hold on as I soon followed up what did she got taken aback from. My eyes swelled and a thin cold path started to drew from my cheek, and that’s when I touched it, a teardrop had escaped to present how much I’m struggling with this feeling.

“W-why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you need to hurt yourself more because of me?” Jihyo adjusted herself closer to me. Our eyes still ain’t leaving our staredown at each other. It deeply feels like i’m under interrogation right now that I have to defend and tell my side with all honesty.

“It’s just a feeling that I have.” I shrugged. “That i’m not the example of an ideal guy you would like to be with. I’ll just ruin whoever you are and we’ll end up being torn. Now you know why I didn’t want to confess to you because I’m not desperate for you to answer me back and tell me that you love me too. Maybe it’s better if you don’t.”

I was about to wipe my tears with my spare cloth but I was prevented by Jihyo herself who touched my hand and grabbed the cloth instead. Astounded, she damped it around my face and wiped my tears away.

“YN, please you don’t have to be harsh at yourself.” Jihyo sharpened her voice. I shook my head and tried to remove her hand.

“Don’t worry, it’ll end soon, when the time comes that my heart decides to stop.”

“AND IF I TELL YOU NOT TO?!” Jihyo suddenly yelled in front of me, slamming her fist at my shoulder. My eyes widened at her outburst. I went speechless, oblivious at the fact that I’ve been pushing her buttons further the more she hears me blabbering poisonous words at myself.

Her question rather, sounded suspicious. She returned her glare at me and she reached for my hand laying on my lap.

“I’ve had enough of hearing you hate yourself this much, you may not be fit on some of the qualities I want to the type of person I dream to be together with but I didn’t find everything about you horrible!” Jihyo complained. “And I am willing to get to know more about your capabilities, my standards weren’t even that high to be reach. I feel like it’s not right for me to be like that. If you hate yourself, then what about me? I don’t even think that anybody would fall for me who doesn’t even act accordingly to the gender norms this society has dictated upon.”

“Then I’m not one of them.” I said with confidence. “Initially, I never wanted to be in love again. But then I saw you and more time has passed, I couldn’t determine at first what my heart find you qualified to make me fall for you.

One year ago, I began as your secret admirer observing you from a far, and that’s where I started picking it all up. Many will find you rather handsome or a less attractive because of your boyish cut, tough posture, and antics that doesn’t suit you. But to me, I see different.

You’re uniquely beautiful and cute on your own that I couldn’t stand not to glance at your face for a second. I see this smart and mature woman that you would respect and willing to listen to every words she says attentively. God, you don’t how many times I imagine having you near me all the time just doing every ideas I could think to make you know how I’m deeply in love with everything about you. Just to make you feel special.

Jihyo, I love you because of how your authenticity shines through.”

After I enumerated all the signs that I find captivating from Jihyo and from how she shifted her gloomy mood into an uplifted state, smiling at the compliments I showered over her. She bit her lip and sighed as she looked away, thinking of something else for a while.

Jihyo then brought back her gaze and roamed it all around the sight of myself in front of her. “I really appreciated it a lot, YN. It did sounded sincere.” She nodded in which I mirrorred her. “We really can be friends, but this silly crush is pulling both you and I from each other.”

“S-so, you don’t-”

“No, wait it’s not like that!” Jihyo stopped me as she probably noticed that I misintepreted her. “I mean… you’re a cool guy and can you please stop ignoring me anymore? I-It really hurts when you only do that to me among the rest.” She begged with her softened dismayed tone as she pouted at me. I couldn’t care less anymore if I look like a tomato at how red my cheeks or face would appear from her cuteness.

“I won’t, I promise.” I assured her.

She sighed in relief. “Finally.”

Both sides became silent for a second before Jihyo proceeded again. “About your confession, I won’t reject you for now, YN.”

My hopes and dreams reignited and altered again with that single sentence that she said. I gasped and became overwhelmed at her response that I always thought after all these time that she would just nevermind and won’t take it seriously. “Please understand that my focus for now are on our studies, and you should be as well. I would also like to advice you to take care of yourself and use all of these time I will give for you to improve yourself and rebuild your self-esteem. I don’t want to see you being like this anymore, okay?”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I nodded at her as I listened attentively to her favor.

“Can you wait for me? I mean… if you can’t, w-well… if your heart gets tired of me, y-you can find someone new-”

“And what if I won’t?”

Jihyo considered my interruption and added a new suggestion. “Then how about I’ll wait for you to come back and you must do the same for me?”

“Deal.” We shook hands to seal it. As we slowed down the pace, I let out my gratitude for her. “Thank you for hearing my confession to you, Jihyo. You don’t know how light I feel now after I finally lift off this huge baggage I’m carrying inside of me for spending the entirety of the year admiring you which I thought that would be impossible.”

Jihyo slapped my arm and grinned. “Tss, it’s nothing. I want to also say thank you for speaking up to me about what you really feel for me and I appreciate it a lot, YN. All you had to do is to open up. Sometimes you just have to face your fears.”

We both smiled at each other and then burst out laughing afterwards to avoid getting ourselves trapped again in awkwardness. “There they are on the gate, we should start reviewing now.”

Jihyo began pulling out her things out of her bag and we opened our notes and papers. At this moment, we officially had a mutual understanding to remain being friends for now while we wait for the future to bring what we will end up to be.

3 YEARS LATER

Me and Jihyo were still friends until our last year level… while we couldn’t deny that the signs are still there in present. Today is our graduation day and we both received our certificates, declaring our successfully conclusion of almost becoming an engineer one step away.

As everyone were finally got called on the stage, awarded, and delivered their speeches, we were all commanded to throw our hats to the air and celebrate for ourselves of reaching this far for the best of our careers.

I went to my family and welcomed their greetings to me. I couldn’t help but to be emotional seeing them enveloping me into their embrace. I owe it all to their hardwork and dedication. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be here where they want me to be, and now me as well too. I’ll bring them with me as my start to build my life to its improvement.

After having my moment with them, now I went to search after to the only person that matters more to me than everybody else out there. I reached the center of the auditorium, it was empty, and my feet decelerated as I finally saw who I am looking for.

Jihyo was there, now in her new bobbed haircut, looking even more fantastic in her graduation gown. She was holding her award as mine and we faced each other from the distance in the middle of such crowded place. She smiled at me and I did the same for her.

I started walking to approach her and so did she. We stood face to face and we exchanged chuckles at one another.

“We did it.”

“Yeah. Can’t believe it as well.”

We stared at each other. I saw her smile slowly shrink from being proud to affectionate.

“YN… d-did you wait for me?”

“I… I did.” I nodded and smiled, although it’s hard as I knew what we’re about to discuss about.

“I’m sorry.” Jihyo said me and she couldn’t help but to cry for me. “I’m sorry if I couldn’t do the same.” I heaved out a long sigh as I try to mask my devastation.

“But you helped me in other way possible.” I comforted her, not wanting to see her drag herself down just because she failed to last long in the deal we made years ago. “You changed me for the better, Jihyo. Even though that I do admit that my heart is… shattered into pieces right now but that’s what doesn’t matter here.”

“I also give credit on you for what I am now today. I became the best version of myself just like you wanted me to be.” I smiled at him, despite my lips twitching in bittersweet. “I would’ve like it much to apply it on showing how I love you so much, that after all these years I remained loyal for you, I never gave up, Jihyo. I thought we’re gonna be something more in the end but… I was right all along.”

“The likes of us weren’t meant to be together. I have finally accepted that.” I nodded which urged my tears to fall more. “Despite in the way from our darkest days when you often refuse to run away just for the love you tried to save, that’s how it is. Some things cannot be saved when its destined to die.”

I looked at Jihyo and I swayed some of the hair blocking her mesmerizing beauty even with the ruined mascaras and smeared eyeliner.

“You probably even came to see me and hear me say I did too.” She said while she hiccuped on her sobs.

“No, I just came up to meet you to tell you how lovely you are today and…” I paused as I reached for the medal that is hanging around my neck. “W-will you please tell me this too for the last time? Have I made you proud too as well?” I asked her as I remember all of the times she makes me proud seeing her achieving all of those accomplishments she’s receiving because of her academic performance. That’s what motivated me to do better on my studies so that someday, I can make her be proud of me too.

“I know for sure I cheered the loudest I can get when I watch you grab that award, YN.” She nodded and smiled at me while sniffing her tears.

I feel contented at her answer. She immediately pulled me closer to her, my first and the warmest hug I ever shared with her. She cried aloud on my shoulder and I just hummed ay her as I try to comfort her as much as I can.

“Forgive me, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, YN. I wish I didn’t loved you for me to hurt you this badly.”

“I can’t hate you, Jihyo. You just discovered where your heart truly settles.” I said to her. “Don’t blame yourself now, please let’s just be happy for ourselves. Can you do it for me?”

“Y-yes…” I felt her head move around my hold. I knew she can hear my heart still beating loud for her. How I wish she still the same, but when I looked into her eyes, she’s not even there anymore.

I smiled at her, not minding what’s going on around us. I focused on Jihyo only, she’s the most important of them all as usual. It’s no denying that I gave her all I had and for sure I’m willing to repeat it.

“So this is what it feels like.” I lastly said before I broke the hug between us and exchanged congratulations for our success. I watched her return back to her place, to where she belongs. She reunited with her new boyfriend while I left as I finally lose control of my emotions. I cried out loud, defeated and disoriented.

I can’t believe that its over for the both of us.

[ghostflowerhotpotch]

How do you think the spider gang would react to Gwen coming out as trans? I think they'd all be supportive, but I'm curious if you have details

I am going to be honest with you anon, I had been looking at this question for weeks, thinking about it, and...I am not coming up with much.

I am trans, I don't have that much experience with people reacting to that- and I am not making any more comments about that.

Going back to the original question- I think all of them would be supportive; regardless of background or history, I feel doing anything else would be a disservice to the characters, and also, a type of story I really don't have interest entertaining, (Would Noir, being from 40s, be reasonable to have his apprehensions and need to overcome it? Yes, I am interested in seeing something like that? Personally, fuck no.)

Now, it doesn't mean there cannot be hiccups- all well intending, of course.

(Specific characters under the cut because, as always with me, it got long.)

Peter B I see going over the top; talking how brave Gwen is, and that he supports her no matter what, he also reads a book on trans people and tell hims about the people in his universe who are trans. Gwen appreciates it, but it can be uncomfortable at times.

Noir, regardless of time period, would be supportive, but mixes up terminology. The poor guy already struggles with the pop culture lingo, so throwing queer lingo into the mix can make things awkward; specially since, as a spider-man, he has defended the marginalized people of his dimension and is aware of the community, but- that community had its own terminology that may not be appreciated to day. Is a growing curve.

In my opinion, Ham is a much of a man as Bugs Bunny, meaning gender isn't as important as commitment to the bit; so I can see him busting a dress all of the sudden and saying "I get you sis." Accordingly, if asked about his own gender, he is pretty much "normally a guy, but in general whatever fits better with the scene."

Peni I headcanon as nonbinary, so I think she would be happy to meet another person who isn't cis. Definitely would have lots of talk about presentation, tricks for clothes a make up, the works.

Margo is cool about it, there isn't much to say there; she just tells Gwen that it doesn't change anything between them, and she is still invited to come for the slumber parties (Margo has thrown a bunch in the Spider-Society, because anything to spend as little time mentally at home as possible.)

Pavitr: "Oh so you are like a hijra? That's so cool!" (This is a term from a place I am not from, so I can't talk in length about it, feel free to look it up because it is indeed, very cool.) While not the same, he ends up telling more about how people in his dimension see transgender people, Gwen finds it overall really interesting.

Hobie is, of course, cool about it. He is a punk, noncomformist, and "hates labels," he could probably tell Gwen a stupid amount of things about queer history, intersectionally, so far and so forth. Despite using he/him pronouns, I believe with all my heart Hobie would not give a shit about gender roles and dress how he likes, and be okay with any pronouns. This has nothing to do with your question, but I headcanon that Hobie has been the queer awakening of many other teens of the Spider-Society as he strolls down in whatever outfit he feels like it.

Now Miles, is obviously supportive. I think he may be oblivious to many things (I headcanon him as bi for a long awhile, but I am not sure if that's something he knows already or has yet to discover,) so he asks questions, but is always respectful and has no trouble answering. Overall, Gwen thinks is cute how much Miles dotes on her, and reminding her that she will always be the prettiest girl alive to him.

Huh, I guess I had more to say that I expected, this was fun! Thanks for the question and sorry for the delay.

[veliseraptor]

July Reading Recap

A Fire Upon the Deep by Vernor Vinge. I can see why people said this one had Adrian Tchaikovsky vibes because in terms of the worldbuilding and the alien species involved it absolutely did. I was not super enamored of the part of the plot that wasn't on the Tines' world (which was...an important part of the plot), but my investment in the politics of the Tines and the worldbuilding around them made up for it. I'm curious about the apparent sequel and whether it's worth reading - does anybody know?

Thousand Autumns: vol. 5 by Meng Xi Shi. I have finished Thousand Autumns and my verdict on it mostly hasn't changed from what it's been throughout: enjoyable but not really fully clicking for me. I liked it! But I didn't love it, and I don't know that it'll stick with me the way other books have, or compel me to do a reread.

A Fatal Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum: Murder in Ancient Rome by Emma Southon. Maybe I just don't have a sense of humor, but I felt like this book was trying too hard to be funny/clever and it landed wrong for me. It was interesting, certainly! And I learned some new things from it, and probably will go on to read the author's other book (about women in Ancient Rome), but this one tonally was not a winner, for me personally.

Ballad of Sword and Wine: vol. 1 by Tang Jiu Qing. Rereading this one (Qiang Jin Jiu, they're really going off in their own direction title translation-wise there) with the official published translation even though I am also binding it, because I can, I guess. And I still deeply appreciate how unhinged Shen Zechuan is, but in, like, mostly a way where it's not obvious to most people until they've known him for a little while. Also the sheer amount of politics, which I'm following better on this second readthrough. I think it'll be rewarding to reread.

The Pomegranate Gate by Ariel Kaplan. One of two Jewish fantasy books I read this month, just by chance (I wasn't intending on a theme, they'd both been on my to-read list for a while). I liked it a lot! I thought it was going to be a stand alone and feel a little funny about it being a series (I'm always looking for more stand alones), but I am also looking forward to more of it.

The Devil & Sherlock Holmes: Tales of Murder, Madness, and Obsession by David Grann. I've really enjoyed the other David Grann books I've read/listened to (The Lost City of Z, Killers of the Flower Moon) but found myself fairly underwhelmed by most of the essays here. It's not that they weren't good (they were) or interesting (most of them were), it just didn't feel like they were that good or that interesting. Maybe I just like his full-length books better.

Five Broken Blades by Mai Corland. It was fine? Not as good as I'd hoped. I called the twist which was satisfying for me personally. I don't know if I'm going to be reading the sequel. Most of the POV characters I liked fairly well, which is the main thing this book had going for it, but one of them bored me to tears and that inflected my enjoyment of the book as a whole.

The Vanished Birds by Simon Jimenez. This book earned its five stars by making me cry in the last 20%. Overall a beautiful book, though, relatively quiet; I wasn't sure about it early on but then it hit a turn that really got me. Makes me want to read his other book. The summary on the back really does not do the book justice but I don't actually know how I would explain it better, and I recognize that makes it a difficult recommendation.

When the Angels Left the Old Country by Sacha Lamb. This one was really good and a lot of fun. Very Jewish, too, which was enjoyable and not something I run into all that often in fantasy books. Just...very charming, entertaining, a joy to read.

I'm currently reading Godkiller by Hannah Kaner though I should be reading Edenville since I have it checked out from the library (I'll get to it!). I keep meaning to get back to reading more nonfiction (or realistic fiction) and then getting distracted. My plan for upcoming books, though, includes The Ratline, To Shape a Dragon's Breath, and (after years of having it sit on my shelf) Beauty Is a Wound. We'll see how on task I stay or if I end up wandering off to other stuff.

I'm currently looking for horror and mystery/thriller recommendations, though, so if anyone has any of those I will take them.

[fitgirlfemdom]

The story you made about the pathetic NEET gooner who let himself go is literally me.

It did start small. I was coming off of a high in regards to everything, super promising schooling and I made it into a fairly prestigious lab in college where I still work. But from freshman to senior year, while my schoolwork has been fine, I’ve pretty much watched myself fall from extremely sociable, charming all the way to monstrous fatty sneaking out of my dorm room (which is more of a league of legends/weed/feedist porn dungeon) to pick up my 3rd ubereats of the night while girls look at me judgingly.

And literally the best part is that I glance back up at them, wearing my oversized sweater that’s getting tighter and tighter, and I can’t help but feel so good. It’s amazing when I get into the elevator with rowdy college girls and all they have to make conversation with me is the fact that I’m holding a bag that obviously contains a shit ton of fast food.

I have, seldomly, gotten into the elevator at my dorm with fat girls who appear to be in my boat with regards to overeating ubereats. When that happens, it’s like two people who desperately want out but understand that each other poses no harm in judgment.

In this way, I’ve gained around 90 pounds in 3 years (most of it was in 1 year, so I could easily push it to 150 pounds overall), making me 5’6, 220 pounds.

I have also dabbled in the whole cock rating fetish. I once requested a rating from a super muscular Onlyfans acc where I gave a before pic (for physique) and an after pic.. The next few nights, I downed so much heavy cream and melted ice cream that I had to call off work.

I love the Berserk theme btw. Farnese is by far my fav character.

Oh yeah I love Farnese too! Such a great personality :D

I also wouldn't consider you a NEET, judging by how you're literally in college and that cancels out the first two letters. I see a lot of people, especially on tiktok and twitter, conflating "NEET" with "terminally online nerd." For fetish purposes, though, they look the same, and smell the same, so I guess I can let it slide.

a little bit of rambling:

I think the reason I'm so attracted to fat degenerate nerd losers is not just because they're a lot easier to please, but they also know exactly what they want and where they stand. It's the same with girls--I'm much more interested in chubby, awkward, dyed-hair nerd girls than the girls that called me a bulldyke in high school.

"High-value" men and women in my age group (or whatever they like calling themselves) have no interests beyond vague terms like "traveling" or "doggos" or whatever else I've seen on Hinge. The women are also extremely hesitant about actually getting with women (bicurious) while the men just expect you to worship the ground they walk on, for no reason. I dated a 4.0 gpa gymbro and it was exhausting how insecure, manipulative, and immature he was. no self-awareness at all, just pure narcissism. It's incredibly self-deprecating to worship someone that doesn't impress you.

I've also dated a chubby nerd, and while he wasn't a very good boyfriend, he knew what he liked, and he worshipped me in the bedroom. Our sex life was the reason I stayed.

This is all to say, yeah, those girls are going to be judging you and thinking they'd rather swallow glass than kiss you. they won't be happy, though, with their physically active partners. bodies truly do not represent how good someone can fuck, or love, really. i know this is all a fetish, and it IS hot to have a food-waste-filled goon cave, but outside of all this, you will be loved, and you seem really cool. even tho casca is better.

[whumpster-dumpster]

(this ask ended up getting much more rambly than expected haha)

hello, i love your blog and whump in general and i would like to try and get involved in the community.

thing is, i feel really weird/embarrassed for liking whump (even before i knew the term). like ashamed i guess? (im not sure how to put it into words exactly). so i dont want to tell any of my irl freinds that im into it/put it on my main since some of my irl freinds follow my main.

and i do draw and i used to write but i dont really know how to draw/write whump yk? (though i have written whumpy things before, when i was like 10, they were really shit though by virtue of me being a 10 year old) and i feel too shy to put any of my work out into the internet for all to see, espcially my writing because i havent actually written prose fiction in. years. i have played dnd (and my campaigns do tend to get pretty whumpy) but i dont think the experiance of roleplaying it really translates well to the internet?

so i was wondering if you have any tips for 1 getting involved in the whump community and 2 managing feeling embarrased about liking whump

Here's an equally rambly answer! First off, welcome to the community! You're definitely not alone in liking it or in feeling embarrassed about liking it. A lot of us, myself included, have our moments where we feel weird for our interest.

I can't tell you how to get over that because I still feel embarrassed sometimes but pinpointing your reasons for liking it can make it easier to explain if someone inquires. Is it the aesthetic? The drama, the adrenaline? The character development? Is it a coping mechanism? A kink? We've got community members whose reasoning is all across the spectrum. Understanding your reason can be reassuring and help it make sense.

As for the shyness, a lot of us make side blogs for whump content, so it can be a little more isolated/private if we feel awkward about IRL/main blog followers seeing. If your art style is easily recognizable as yours, that might not be the best solution but also remember you don't have to post what you draw (or write.) You can create whump content just for you (and if you decide you do eventually want to post some, that will have served as good practice.)

There are whump prompt lists coming out all the time that can be used for art or writing if you don't know what you want to make. You should look up the whump wheel, it's a fun one!

Re: getting more involved in the community: believe it or not, there are whump roleplayers floating around in the tags pretty often! They'd probably enjoy another roleplay partner on the scene! Beyond that, liking people's posts, reblogging them to that side blog if you decide to make it, coming into their inboxes to say you enjoy their content, sending in prompts if whump fic writers are asking for some, posting prompts of your own if there's a type of whump content you notice lacking and want to inspire someone to explore...There are monthly whump events happening all the time too if you want to participate or just reblog to help promote them. You could also ask if another whump artist wants to do an art trade with you. Those are some of the best ways to dive in!

I hope that was helpful. Have fun!

[cursedvibes]

kenjaku :-) or tengen/uraume if they've been done

Thank you for the ask! I'm just gonna do all three :D

Kenjaku

Sexuality Headcanon:

I think Kenjaku generally doesn't care about a person's gender in regards to attraction. It's far more important that the people are interesting, able to hold their attention for a long time and if they are actually looking for a relationship of whatever kind, they must feel like they are equal to each other. Also, I think as far as purely physical or aesthetic attraction goes or when it's about casual sex they prefer men.

Gender Headcanon:

Kenjaku got all the genders and goes by any pronouns or none at all. They might have some preferences for what sex their body has, but that changes over time and sometimes it aligns with their current vessel and sometimes it doesn't. Generally, in canon the characters who actually know Kenjaku don't refer to them in gendered terms, but I don't think they'd have a problem with being referred to with she/her while in Geto or Noritoshi's body or with he/him when in Kaori's. I also think this was always the case with them, it didn't just come through their CT or with age. Their CT just helped realize the fluidity of their gender more.

A ship I have with said character:

I have a whole bunch of them, but at the moment my fave is definitely TenKen. Got a great toxic mix of longing, obsession, lost friendship and vore. And it is especially interesting to get into because Tengen is so important for Kenjaku's character overall. She is their primary motivation for this whole insane plan they got, getting close to her is what drove them forward for centuries and she is likely the cause or one of the factors that drove Kenjaku to get more and more lost in their need for entertainment because they lost the connection to her.

A BROTP I have with said character:

Uraume. I just love their dynamic so much, both as a BROTP and as a sort of hatesex ship. I really miss their bickering and casual insults. Kenjaku is so gleeful about driving Uraume up the wall it's great. But also how they reluctantly help each other out and do such wild shit like going on an international tour to rile up an invasion of Japan. Or Kenjaku having to hold Uraume back like a rabid dog from killing everyone in sight because it would be Not A Good Look. True trans solidarity.

A NOTP I have with said character:

Hmm, I think it's GoKen (sorry, I know you love them). I'm just not interested in Gojo in a shipping sense, I don't really see anything interesting in their dynamic beyond the meeting in Shibuya and even that has gotten a bit old for me because everyone is talking about it constantly. I also don't like how it is often/most of the time so focused on stsg because in canon that's the only reason Gojo has any interest in Kenjaku. Without Geto he wouldn't give a shit. So from what I've seen of it, most of it is just repackaged stsg angst (especially in fanfic) and I don't care for that.

A random headcanon:

Tengen used to be something of a teacher for them, maybe they were somehow involved with the cult that formed around her, and then they slowly became more of a friend or partner for her. They developed the concept for jujutsu society together, but disagreed on the details and how far it should be taken, how curses should be handled etc.

General Opinion over said character:

*gestures at my blog and AO3 account* idk I guess I like them

Uraume

Sexuality Headcanon:

They give me a bit of an ace vibe. I think they generally don't engage much with sex or have much interest in it, but on the odd chance that they do, they prefer men (probably also who they are most aesthetically attracted to).

Gender Headcanon:

No. If we use a label, agender would come the closest, but they just don't have any gender and live completely outside of it. They don't really care if people make assumptions about them because they see these people below them anyway, so what do their opinions matter. They wouldn't really get mad about it unless they are being pestered about it or they feel like the person is stepping out of line. But if that happens, they can just kill them. Easy. Same as with Kenjaku, I think they always felt this way about their gender, it's not that they stopped caring about it with age.

A ship I have with said character:

Mainly SukUme because Sukuna is really the only person Uraume has much interest in and I like how chill Sukuna is around them. Love the scene of them laughing at Yuuji together and joking around. You can tell they have been close for a long time. I also like that Uraume shows Sukuna respect, but isn't his doormat and gets away with far more than anyone else. Unfortunately we haven't seen it yet, but Uraume cooking human meat for Sukuna Hannibal-style is also the main thing that pulls me towards them. Cannibal couple.

A BROTP I have with said character:

Kenjaku, like above. Although, their dynamic with Hakari is also becoming really interesting and I wish we saw more of them. They actually seem to vibe very well and respect or even like each other, which is quite rare with Uraume. So far they seem the most normal around him. Probably because they might see something of young!Sukuna in him and he isn't as annoying as Kenjaku.

A NOTP I have with said character:

idk...there aren't that many ships with them. I can't think of any I've seen that I didn't like. Have to say though, that I don't like when people treat Uraume in SukUme as a self-insert and you can clearly tell that the person who wrote/drew it just wants to get railed by Sukuna and doesn't actually care about Uraume.

A random headcanon:

They were eating and cooking human flesh even before Sukuna came around. They saw Sukuna tear the raw flesh from people's bodies and eat it and were like "this is so uncultured, I gotta help this guy. where's my cauldron"

General Opinion over said character:

Love them! One of my top 10 favourite jjk characters. Gege please show me more of them, especially their current fight. I also really want to know more about their philosophy, view of humanity and how it differs from Sukuna's, how they first came to meet Sukuna and who they were before that.

Tengen

Sexuality Headcanon:

Pretty firmly aroace. I don't think they ever had much interest in romance, long-term relationships or sex. She might have experimented a bit when they were younger or maybe she used to be married because of societal conventions, but as she got older she just stopped engaging with it altogether and her philosophy and buddhist beliefs only emphasized what was already there.

Gender Headcanon:

Pretty much what she already told us. She feels more drawn to the identity of woman, but it was never that rigid for her and as she got older and especially when her body started to change, she cared less and less about it. However, she still cares about gender in the sense that she doesn't see herself as a man and prefers to not be addressed as such, especially in a private setting. Like, she doesn't care what the higher-ups think, them thinking she's a man is even beneficial to her, but if someone she knows well or cares about addresses her that way directly, she will correct them. She likes masculine clothing though and playing around with assumptions and societal conventions for gender presentation in general. If I were to summarize her gender in one brief label it would be something like: woman* (star even fits with her theme)

A ship I have with said character:

TenKen (obviously). Most of the action in that ship naturally comes from Kenjaku, but I find it fascinating how despite all the shit Kenjaku has done over the centuries, she still gives them the cover of anonymity and even protects them to a degree. Heavily side-eyeing Kenjaku surviving a fight against the Heian six eyes user twice. The fight wasn't even close from what we know and yet Kenjaku somehow managed to slip away and recuperate. I also find it fascinating how in the end, she almost gives in to Kenjaku's demands or lets herself be swept away by them. She doesn't try to merge anymore and she puts up the bare minimum of a fight. Like, she knows Kenjaku is a threat, but she still cares about them in some way and sees them as just an attention seeking child (true). Also kind of funny how she says she has no idea what motivates Kenjaku because she can't see into the human heart and yet when we've seen that Kenjaku isn't at all shy to talk about why they are doing all this. Especially with her around they are basically screaming their motivation and she's there like "hmm, big mystery why they are doing this. feelings are so hard to understand." no wonder Kenjaku went insane lol She's always trying to keep that emotional distance somehow, even when her actions speak against it. It also makes it very tragic from Kenjaku's perspective. They swallowed her and still can't reach her (anymore). Also, they see their relationship as equal, while Tengen still places herself above them in terms of skill and maturity. Argh, I need their backstory.

A BROTP I have with said character:

There aren't really that many people she has a closer connection with and a friendly one at that...guess Sukuna? Her turning his corpse into a mummy is really interesting and also their similarity when she started evolving. The mummy stuff is very similar to the urban legend of Ryomen Sukuna, so I wonder what exactly her and Kenjaku did with Sukuna before and after his death and if they might've been involved with him becoming more powerful. I also like her and Yuki together. They aren't exactly friendly, not from Yuki's side at least, but the "forced to hang out with my bigoted grandma" aspect of their relationship is funny.

A NOTP I have with said character:

Her and Sukuna. I just don't see anything there except shared fascination for jujutsu and what I said above about their past. Definitely nothing that comes even close to romantic or sexual feelings on either side.

A random headcanon:

She's not from Japan or she had a long period where she toured around ancient China, India, Korea and the like. She only really started drawing attention when she was at least 200 years old, so there is a lot of time we don't really know anything about.

General Opinion over said character:

Manipulative, conservative Grandma who ruined everyone's lives with the system she created and couldn't be bothered to change things for the better. And I love her for that. Top 3 jjk character for me <3

[yellowhollyhock]

help I think I'm becoming a 2012 jhannatello shipper for literally no reason. what is wrong with me

Like,, I like the idea of jhannatello. I think mirage and 03 Dons definitely had a crush on her. But I just don't see it working out long-term. Just doesn't click for me. I don't like the idea of a serious warrior type for 03 Don. But I was thinking what about rise or 87? And well

I just don't see it with rise, don't have a reason I just don't see it

And 1987, possibly could have potential, I've been turning it over in my head trying to get attached, but idk it just doesn't work for me. I really do think 87 Donatello likes men

Then I thought of 2012 Jhannatello, and wanted to dismiss it because there are already so many 2012 Donnie ships

But it has sparked my interest and it's the only version of jhannatello that I can bring myself to be interested in

And now I can't stop thinking about it.

2012 Donnie has been through a lot of heartache in the romance department as well as in general blaming himself for things going wrong, and also those two heartaches have mixed uncomfortably at different times

And just imagining him meeting this alien princess who's trained her whole life to take down this tyrant, with single-minded focus on her task, and becoming each other's support network? him being able to help her and feeling this confidence that he actually made her life better instead of worse. Her wanting something for herself that doesn't benefit or even relate to her political responsibilities and not knowing what to do with those feelings. when did i become invested in this help--

(i know when actually it was about eight minutes ago when it occurred to me and i was immediately convinced and somewhat baffled at myself)

Idk if he would have a crush right away like in 03 and mirage because I'm not sure when or how they'd meet (and if he'd still have a crush on April at the time) (you can have multiple crushes at once but I don't think Donnie would) (or if he did he'd be so extremely in denial about it that it's functionally the same as no crush till later). Like I was thinking possibly during the space arc? They crash on her planet instead of her crashing on earth, and gain her people's trust by helping her defeat Moriah. But then also it could just be a direct adaptation of the mirage story but after the whole show. Must think on it more (will have to rewatch and that won't be soon)

Anyway I always see Jhanna as a very serious character and of all the Donatellos I think 2012 would appreciate her sensitivity and bring out her fun side in a way that I just can't envision with any other version. I don't know if it's the idea of them bonding over the amount of pressure that's been put on them and fear of letting people down, the fact that 2012 turtles spent more time in space so lasting relationships just seem more believable, the fact that I just personally didn't really like other 2012 Donnie ships or. I ran out of guesses but I haven't guessed right yet. It just has this charm

But yeah I'm a jhannatello shipper now but for the wrong version nobody ships 2012 jhannatello. Why do I keep picking the Donnie ships that nobody ships. The most popular one I'm invested in is turtlelamb and there are. 3 of us

[thelyingjoke]

what are your thoughts on pregame kokichi?

this took a long time to answer sorry!!! i start getting Busy around this time (school my nemesis.......) but this ask is interesting enough that i can use my remaining free time to answer it! thank you!!!!!!

now a thing like this is something i personally can have a bit of trouble with—that is, making up a personality for a character that doesn't have one. when i have something to go off of in canon i can run with it all day and come up with so many things...but i need that little prompt to start with, and if there's nothing, i can't really think of anything. so for a Longgggggg while i've kept my hands mostly Away from the pregame characters, since most of them have so little about them i just couldn't think of anything that would satisfy me. but more recently, maybe like. a few months after i rewatched v3 last year, i started to think about them a little more...and now i think i can answer this question kind of!!!

pregame kokichi is a hard one considering he's one of the many that has like. 1-2 lines that don't say much at all about his character. like the most he has is this

and really Nothing Else of note. but after thinking on it it says A Lot.

already you get from it a guy who is Helpful and looks out for others, even in a situation where it might be dangerous! both caring and also maybe does not have a good sense of self-preservation...but not like, nervous or cowering at all. so, that's a start!!! though there's also a bit i wanna get into in order to elaborate more on what else i think about him (i anticipate this will get Long so. i will put the cut here)

yeah anyway the thing that made me Really start thinking about the pregame characters was the full realization of kaede and shuichi being like...basically the same, just kaede being a little more snappy. and i mean, i knew this the whole time, but i never put too much thought into it because like—yeah they're still the same guys that makes sense. (and i was in major denial about the ending at first haha)

but actually thinking about it it kinda intrigued me. of course they'd be like that. sure they were given different memories, but there's only so much that that can really change about a person, you know? like...there's the assumption i'd have had that they directly tweaked the personality alongside the memories, but honestly i don't think they did. i mean, of course, the memories do influence the personalities—some more than others—but that's as much as i'd imagine they'd have done in terms of personality-changing. they didn't do it directly.

it's like nature vs nurture, kind of. your memories make up a large portion of who you are and how you act, but they're not everything. there are certain things that are just inherent to certain people. two different people given the exact same memories would likely act similar, but ultimately there would be differences, because they're two separate, unique people, with their own quirks and preferences.

and for how the characters were made, i do believe that their backstories and intended personalities were based on their original personalities (whether you believe tsumugi was lying about the audition videos, and i do lean towards her lying, i don't quite think she was lying about getting a flash of inspiration from shuichi's nervousness, that part makes sense to me). kaede is just pregame kaede without the cynicism—because she's given a happier life prior to everything. i think parts of them leak in throughout the game that were not necessarily intended by tsumugi...just because those traits are part of Who They Are, and the memories can't change that. these might be obvious thoughts to have but i felt like talking about them haha

it's hard to say what those traits might be, since we see so little of them, and we don't know what exactly tsumugi would have intended, but you could perhaps guess...maybe kaede's temper? and well. i was going to have a ramble about my ch1 murder theories but i was having trouble wording it and realized that was Really off topic so i will move on

ANYWAY the reason i think this all has to do with kokichi: his pregame personality likely inspired some of ingame personality, so my thoughts on what parts...i think perhaps his Playfulness. i mean, a guy with a hairstyle like That has gotta be down for all kinds of fun and games. so i guess i see him as a playful little guy who wants to help others and maybe doesn't have the best survival instincts/views of self-importance...........

(sorrySorry i just recently read a 5 year old dr/woy crossover fic with kokichi and i haven't been normal since. it was so ridiculous too bad the author orphaned it they were kinda cooking...kokichi and wander are similar you're so right...wish i could talk to them about it SORRY I'LL GET BACK ON TOPIC!!!!!)

in all Seriousness though. i think that that small line has such a big influence on how he acts ingame. of course he's not nearly as willing to throw himself into danger for the others' sake...but i think that Care, that Desire to Help them still lingers, just under whatever backstory gave him those trust issues so he's not as Open about it. and the self-sacrificial nature i Mean...chapter 5. and it's how he kind of 'breaks character'. if you get me? i'm not sure if i'm explaining right...doesn't help i have to do it in increments between Other Things haha

i don't really know if i have an overall point to this but Yeah that's how i see pregame kokichi. i don't have much other thoughts though :( Do you want me to check on what's happening is all i really have to work with...i've seen people talk about him being a student council president and i like that thought. but nothing too concrete, pregame kokichi enjoyers tell me what you think about him i would love to hear what you have because i. do not have much! everyday crying at the lack of information so many things have

[nyanbinary-perineum]

Every once in a while I remember when I was like 13 ~ 15 (somewhere around there, don't judge the following) and I found a weird signal I barely picked up on my tv and had to do some finagling to get it to pull through clearly But More Specifically it came in much more clearly at like 8pm to 3am and then it was unintelligible fuzz most other hours

and this channel was some japan centric channel that would regularly marathon random as all hell episodes of anime and a TON of OVAs and they clearly didn't care what rating these seemingly gray market era rips were coming from because they'd throw OVAs that were very much "adult entertainment" both in terms of serious-but-fun stories, violence, and plenty of tits.

Anyways I remember so vaguely so many extremely interesting anime pieces I saw on that channel; Mechas seemingly centered around hangar drama that I couldn't make out a single word and the picture kept falling to fuzz but I was enamored by the designs and characters; Random erotic as all hell death scenes where the focus was on the sadness of the bleeding out person's passing but also Check Em Out- Look How Good We Drew This Tit ;)

And these memories are blended with how a few years later I got G4tv and could watch some more OVAs and anime series there (the short stint where that was a thing they did at like midnight every night) and how I never exactly found crossover between the exposure both of these gave me, but I did find shows that reminded me of those fuzzy CRT days like watching the R.O.D. OVA- that entire thing just SCREAMED "This would be on that weird OVA channel I'll never find".

Anyways, something something, OVAs are cool and I wish I watched more old anime, something something, I think it's funny when an anime gets talked about and I go "HOLY SHIT, that's one of the 500 random OVAs I could barely understand through the fuzzy picture! (Like Revolutionary Girl Utena! I got to see like 30% of the movie on that channel) something something 80s and 90s era anime tits I guess?

IDK, Go watch the R.O.D. movie and cry about lesbians.

I'm idly exploring (and struggling to explore because I need to update my romset collections) old unlicensed adult games that are filled with 80s-90s anime (as one would expect, being games from the 90s lmao) because I find the artstyles from that time appealing and because it's scratching such a specific nostalgic itch and it's making me think of that period of media and the weird ways in which I consumed it as someone who couldn't like, collect anime VHS like more serious fans would.

[slotumn]

A lot of people remember Golden Deer and their route for "defeating racism," and I think a lot of people think other minority characters in Fódlan should join them to further this goal.

What people completely forget though, is that a lot of those perceptions are from the perspective of the audience who finished the game and know about the characters' secrets and personal views (and the evolution thereof)

But from the perspective of other characters in-universe, I actually think it's very possible that Golden Deer comes across as the xenophobic house, especially pre-timeskip. After all, others in the universe don't know that Claude is half Almyran, so from their perspective, that actually makes Golden Deer the only house without any non-Fódlani students.

Not only that, they have two nobles from border territories that are explicitly said to fight the foreigners. Goneril is obvious, and flavor text on Edmund's battalions state that they were trained to repel foreign threats (and they're archers on top of that). Hilda, as many would predict, do hold casual prejudices on Almyrans because of this, and while Marianne never really weighs in on the issue herself, I think it's fairly reasonable that others in-universe would assume "border territory = not great sentiments on foreigners" (even if Edmund probably trades with Almyra, but then again you can trade with places you distrust and hate lol).

As for Lorenz, while he's not from a border territory, he is interested in furthering his house's standing, and talking about strengthening the border security would be a good way to do that; not to mention it's shown in canon that he respects/wants to gain points from Holst. He's also one of the Deer who would loudly give his takes and opinions about issues like this, so other students will hear him talk about how to better fend Leicester from the invaders or whatever, and they'd probably think once again that Leicesterians are fucking xenophobic. (Regardless of Lorenz's actual personal tendencies, which I don't see as being that prejudiced, but personal tendencies =/= political rhetoric and policy lines)

So yeah, you have kids from three of the prominent Leicester houses being either 1. actually personally prejudiced/racist 2. easily presumed to be racist or complacent in racism by others (like it's unfair to Marianne but that's probably what the default perception would be) 3. someone who'd loudly support/suggest border policies that at best could be easily construed as xenophobic due to pre-existing prejudices of the audience, or at worst is explicitly xenophobic.

And most importantly, Claude. The thing about Claude is that while his goal is in fact Ending Racism, pre-timeskip he never actually outright states that he is against all the xenophobia in Leicester and will to pursue policies to curb it. Yeah he implies things, and he says stuff like "never underestimate an outsider," so some might guess he has a less hardline stance on things overall compared to others of Leicester nobility, and they'd be right.

But it's all ambiguous enough that he always has plausible deniability; the stuff about "outsiders" could very well apply to, say, class instead of ethnicity. He never explicitly states anything that would make other people realize his real opinion is "actually I want to make peace with Almyra so people stop screaming slurs at each other at the border before dying." Look at his B support with Lorenz where they talk about border security; he never says anything that implies he'd rather not fight Almyra in the first place.

And as far as personal relationships go, Claude is on decent terms with a Goneril, is at least neutral on an Edmund, and okay he doesn't get along with the Gloucester but that has more to do with Leicester's internal power struggle than foreign policy.

Now, it makes sense why Claude does all this pre-TS: his standing as next leader isn't the most solid and some are suspicious of him, so he needs to stay on good terms with the people he can. But from the perspective of in-universe third parties who don't know the intricacies of Leicester politics, Claude's secrets, or the Deer's future development where they kill the CEO of Racism, I think it's totally plausible that the Golden Deer come across as pretty fucking racist.

I don't think any of this detracts from the themes of VW or the development of Golden Deer; in fact I think this strengthens it even more, because you get to see the development they go through— including on Claude's part, where he'd far more vocal and explicit about his real goals post-TS.

But I don't think it makes much sense in-universe for all the non-Fódlani characters (Petra, Dedue, Cyril, Shamir, etc) to drift towards the Golden Deer on the basis of the faction as a whole being "more accepting or understanding/less xenophobic," especially pre-timeskip. As a matter of fact, for someone like Cyril I think it's very possible that Golden Deer would be the house he's the least comfortable around. There are other reasons why these characters might like or want to join the Deer, but I very strongly doubt "lack of xenophobia" would be one.

So yeah, audience perception =/= in-universe perception and Golden Deer =/= anti-racist house to others in-universe, especially pre-timeskip.

[pretensesoup]

Queer Books 2024: Old Time Religion

I have been trying to figure out how to talk about Old Time Religion.

The problem is that it's the second book in a series, which makes it a little confusing if you haven't read the first. I think you probably could jump in here, but it's not quite the same as reading The Restaurant at the End of the Universe without having read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy first. The relationships you're jumping into are a little more complex. But regardless, I'm going to give it a go, because I was recently called out for not mentioning the sequel, and to do that, I kinda need to explain how we got there.

So. I knew when I wrote Dionysus in Wisconsin that Ulysses was bi/pan. I won't go into detail about my specific associations with each of those sexualities because as a person who is myself pansexual, I'm not sure of the difference all the time. Also, I don't recall hearing the term pansexual in use until about 2004 (when I said, "Why do we need that?" Then about 12 years later...) So it felt historically inaccurate to call Ulysses (and many of the other bloodline magic people) pansexual. On the other hand, since I wrote that, I've also written various non-binary characters who use the singular "they" as their pronoun, which is also historically inaccurate (not the non-binary part—of course nb/agender always existed, and so did the singular they, but as far as I can tell it was more likely that they'd use neo pronouns or some other arrangement up until relatively recently). So pick your poison, I guess? 

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. When we meet Ulysses in DIW, he's hot and single, but he's not going out with a lot of people. He's actually keeping to himself to the point where Celeste is a little bit concerned about him and how shut off from being an integrated whole person he is. So I knew he'd had someone in the past who had messed him up a little bit, and it turned out to be a woman named Livia. 

Livia is a character that I like much better than almost anybody who has read the novel. My mother read OTR and when I mentioned one of the characters from it was coming back for book 5, which will be the grand conclusion of the Julius Sterling Arc, she was very emphatic that it not the Livia coming back unless she did a lot of apologizing. I thought that was interesting because as a writer, you wind up with these different perspectives on the characters and the work. I think it's necessary to be more sympathetic to what everyone is trying to accomplish if you want to write a really human story. Of course there are always villains like the Empire in Star Wars or, I don't know, Dr. Octopus, who are hard to sympathize with, and probably if I were writing them I'd also find them hard to sympathize with. But I always try. And I liked Livia a lot. I like her snappishness, and her refusal to be cowed by Ulysses, who is really a great dude but has very emphatic opinions about things. I like her willingness to try dangerous things to get what she wants.

That's the background. And then Livia shows up at the beginning of Old Time Religion. (I hope that doesn't sound like a spoiler. It's chapter one.) She wants things. She's a little bit ruthless. And Sam and Ulysses have to work out how to deal with her, and how to deal with each other at a time during which the way that they connect is changing. They have a deepening relationship because they've been together for about 6 months at this point, but also they are learning that they may have some magical connection. Don't have sex with gods, I guess, is the lesson. If there's one lesson we could take from all of Greek mythology I think that would be it, it's don't get involved with God's in a sexual way. Unfortunately Ulysses doesn't listen.

Of course the provenance of books is people who make bad choices, and no one makes worse choices than PhD candidates. And Ulysses is amply taken to task for this at various points. 

Quote from Troth:

“Is that what you were trying to tell me about, back in April?” She snorted. “Ah, yes.” Lesko sat back in her chair. “That’s right,” she said, in a dry tone. “What did I say? Is this wise? And you told me—what was it again?” “That it was a fait accompli.” Dr. Lesko nodded, lips pressed together. “In other words, you were given a warning, which you chose to ignore, presumably because you were horny.”  Ulysses briefly wondered if he could just die where he sat in order to escape from this.

Livia's appearance makes Sam incredibly jealous, which is also an emotion he doesn't deal with very well. Key quote:

"Ulysses was with someone else," he said, in the too-earnest way he had after too many drinks. "A lady." Harry shrugged. "So?" Sam leaned forward as though imparting a secret. "He also likes women," he said carefully. Harry, sitting across from him, looked unmoved by this revelation. Ellen was carefully peeling the wrapper off of her beer bottle. "Sam, I thought it was going well between you guys," she said, with probably more patience than he deserved. "What's the worry here? Did you talk about going steady?" "No, because this isn't a production of Bye, Bye, Birdie," Sam snapped, and then immediately felt bad. Ellen punched him in the arm, not gently.

And at the end, I wrote about the one time I dropped acid.

No. Uh. But there is some drug use. And Ulysses defends his PhD. And there's a musical version of Macbeth that @tryxhyjinks helped me write songs for. And despite my inability to talk about it, I think it's an excellent novel. 

That brings me to book 3, Troth, which is coming out October 7th. (Muffled screaming.) There's a lot to like about Troth, but in the interests of not spoiling anything, I'll just say it brings Ulysses's brother Laz back from the war. Laz is the type of pathetic little meow meow that authors love, and I love every moment of his appearance, and he gets his own book later (book 4, Lazarus Home from the War, will be out in 2025). Troth is currently up for preorder in ebook and will be available in paperback on the day and thereafter. You can find all three books here (Amazon) or here (B&N).