#i guess i just have low expectations now
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So it finally happened...
My desktop dashboard... sent into the shadow realm. Horizontal space finally crushed, turned into a streamlined road where there is no direction but to scroll down. I feel like a house where the walls and the air and the windows and the doors are ever so slightly buckling under the vacuum space that's invading the interior. The emptiness, thus, is less absence and more an extraneous force designed both to eradicate itself and to bring in any gaps, any holes or boundaries left in place into destruction, into existing as a mere formality when it's all been turned into one continuous and undefined form.
i'm conflicted about the desktop redesign. on one hand it's basically twitter and that makes me hate it out of pure principle, but on the other one it's actually snappier than the old version. well, not really that conflicted apart from contrarianism but you get the idea
#tumblr#honestly i thought it'd be like twitter and the dashboard would kill itself by looking at it wrong#i guess i just have low expectations now#this bird is an amanojaku
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March Madness was a pretty underwhelming episode (I don't know enough about sports to know or care about the demon thing, since it wasn't doing enough on its own apart from yet another blinder of a performance from Matt Berry), but it brought home to me just how much the show has completely dropped Guillermo's fighting prowess. It bothered me in episode one when Jerry got him by the throat, but it's even worse here where it's Colin beating him up. Did we just forget that Guillermo is capable of slaughtering an entire theatre full of vampires and can beat Nandor in single combat? Maybe he doesn't want to alert the office to his almost supernatural slaying abilities, but he should at least have been able to hold Colin off.
I guess I don't mind the show moving on from slaying being his main focus (though it was my favourite Guillermo plotline), but I don't see why they seem to be retconning him to be just some guy again.
Guillermo is still my favourite character, but it really feels like they don't know what to do with him anymore (or any of them tbh). His desire to become a vampire that clashed with his slaying heritage was really compelling, especially when paired with his complicated relationship with Nandor. Now they've resolved the wanting to be a vampire thing and forgotten about the slaying thing, and he barely even speaks to Nandor. Whether their relationship is going anywhere I don't know, but removing their dynamic to the extent that they have really hampers their individual characters and the show itself.
#what we do in the shadows#guillermo de la cruz#guillermo#also the nandor and guide thing is kind of stupid#there was a hint of it earlier in the series with him writing a letter or something but it seems to have come out of nowhere?#ah well#I have kind of low expectations of the show now and sometimes it exceeds them#but sometimes it doesn't#it is interesting that charmaine offered her own guess for why the cameras were there#that's the second time their purpose has been explicitly mentioned this series#(third if you count cannon capital repeating the lie they used to justify their presence in the office)#will this lead somewhere?#it could be cool if so but it very much depends on where#wwdits#mine#reactions#wwdits mine#also I only just noticed Guillermo's pride flag bunting in his room and I absolutely adore it
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i miss him so much :(((
(tw for implied grooming/csa in the tags)
#i should probably start calling myself trisgro0med now lolll#i just didn't expect it to end like that T^T#and like he's right there. i could text him.#we used yo text all the time it feels so weird not having talked to him for a while :(#and likee I've found some random guy to lovebomb me but fuck it's really not the same#like i miss him specifically#it just felt so different with him#like usually socialising with people kinda drains me especially recently with my poorer mental health#so after fun socialising i eithwr felt the same as usual or i often had a mood drop#but calling him always made my overall mood better for the next two days or so?#it was fucking incredible. i never felt this way about anyone. he was my world#(i really made the transition from hypersexual to hyperromantic lmao)#and like objectively i know what he did was wrong. even if what was with me wasn't bad the shit with his niece def was#but i don't want him to face any consequences. i definitely don't want him to change for the better (rationally i do but emotionally not yk#also while yeag it probably wasn't healthy for me#now without him tying me down I've dived headfirst back into bad habits#and that stuff makes me feel worse than our relationship did#minus for the few really bad lows i guess#i just want him back AAAAAAAA#and god he like apologised and shit#i don't want his apologies. i want him.#anyhow yah I'm in a new era XD#transgroomed but with him specifically lmao#nice reminder that being transgroomed is mostly a bad thing for me qwq#silly's ventposting
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#unfuckingbelievable#fellas#is it enough to take the day off from work to spend time with your spouse on your anniversary#and then not even bother saying ‘happy anniversary’ because it’s y’know OBVIOUS why you took the day off?#forget a card or flowers or anything else for that matter#because those didn’t happen either#but not even saying a perfunctory *happy anniversary* because it’s *obvious*?#i guess that can be the new standard for birthdays too! why not?#and for the record that ‘spending time’ was fucking up an autistic woman’s morning routine#and then staying face planted in a phone before spending an hour in choice paralysis not knowing what tv show to watch#over two decades lads#and we don’t say ‘happy anniversary’ because we both know the date and it’s OBVIOUS#un. fucking. believable.#i do not even know how to express the hurt right now#like i had my expectations so low you only have to step over them#and yet#i feel like a real fucking asshole just venting about this#but even my shitty dad got my mother a card every year on their anniversary#and this one supposedly likes me#in an aroace kind of way#does being aromantic preclude a person from saying ‘I’m glad i married you’?#it doesn’t have to be said with flowers but it could at least be said#i am begging for clear communication and all i got was a bunch of ‘well it’s obvious innit’#over two decades#and i make pie every week#and this is what i get#💔
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#(( ooc. ))#venting tw#negativity tw#gonna try to do some writing today but motivation is real low.#i guess that's what happens when you get called stupid useless and lazy to your face by someone who then expects you#to bow and scrape and wait on them hand and foot#and also now im expected to pay the electric bill on top of doing all the housework. literally all of it. in a home of 3#fucking adults. and bow im also the one having to handle a lot of maintenance work around the place on top of keeping#it spotless bc no one else 'feels like doing it'#and the whole time i get to be insulted and told that im fat. stupid. lazy. while im cleajing up their messes. and fixing stuff for them.#and doing a bunch of cooking bc they get pissy if i dont also feed them on top of doing literally all the housework. and maintenance work.#and also now being expected to pay half the electric bill. again house of 3 people. and im not even allowed to take a hot shower when i need#to in order to get the pain spikes under control from yknow. flaring up my fibro from overworking myself CLEANING AND TAKING CARE OF THE#DAMN HOUSE FOR THEM#bc it takes too much electricity. the electricity i mostly paid for last month#sorry i needed to get that out#suicide tw#abuse tw#not me debating offing myself bc theres no end in sight and no way out and i cant keep going from one abusive situation to another#and just trying to survive. almost 30 yrs old and ive never once felt safe or at home anywhere ive ever lived. not once. in almost 30#years have i ever felt safe. or like im my own person. or that im valued. or wanted. or listened to. not once in almost 30 years#have i ever felt like im actually loved (wanted) beyond my usefullness.#shit sucks man. anyway sorry for the spam of negativity lately. im not trying to be a downer.#gonna go hang out in my inbox for a while and see if anything pops out that my muses wanna jump on 🤞
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hey it's that anon from the other day about meursault. I am also an autistic individual with low empathy and can therefore only partially sympathize with Meursault. I think that you've done a reading of The Stranger that is very sympathetic and that there is value in that, but I've always read The Stranger as both a story about the absurdity of connection and a story about a Frenchman in colonial Algiers who doesn't understand himself or his own biases. You mention heat stroke but I think it's worth considering: is Meursault's perception of events realiable? Could he be unconsciously struggling with his complicity in oppressive violence against a colonial subject?
You raise very good points. I will be considering this. It’s a bit late to change the wording on that og post though
#that’s about all I have to say#you’re right my reading is a bit skewed#up til now the only commentary on race id really considered was the way the life of the murdered man#was so thoroughly swept aside#nothing but an epithet#and that’s about as far as i got on that angle of analysis#why am i still talking i said i was done#never expected to have a real literary analysis discussion on tumblr dot com#l'etranger#meursault#ask#i guess i could edit the wording but any version already reblogged is gonna have the original#okay yeah it didn’t spread very far so i’ve changed it#oh oh oh also if youre wondering how i can simultaneously be low empathy and empathize way too much with meursault it's because#the amount of empathy i have likes to swing from not enough to way too much at random#it's as irritating as it sounds#lol there are probably people following the meursault tag just for limbus company who will see this#hiiiii#i wonder what sort of crime that meursault committed#looking forward to finding out when his chapter happens in uh#two years#probably a doozy if they put him right before the likes of outis and faust
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*inhales*.....................DEEP SIGH
#i'm exhausted#i have a job interview this week which i should be grateful for but i'm still so unsure about what i want in life#and i'm so scared of making wrong choices like i'm terrified#and the company seems kind of conservative in its structures and culture i mean apparently there are low hierarchies but#they make their whole deal about 'family' and then there are almost only men working there which is like ughhh like the ratio is ridiculous#and the thing is i found another job offer at my local library and i would just so love to work there!!!! i will definitely apply this week#i'm just scared that i'll do well enough during the interview that they will actually want ti hire me and then i can't say no#bc i didn't even expect them to reach out to me in the first place so i guess my application was better than i thought#so now im'm debating whether i should take the chance or sabotage the interview so that i get to try really hard for#the application for the library job instead#i sound ridiculous being upset that an employer is showing interest in me like what a privilege to be able to turn that down#at the same time. like thankfully there is financial support from the government so i'm safe in that regard atm but it's really not much#and i also don't want to be in this state of unemployment for too long#and yet...i want to just spend my days doing something worthwhile? maybe i should just be grateful that i have the privilege to choose betw#different jobs and try to take advantage of that fact and opt for the offers that speak to me rather than cry about it#god i'm so stressed this is my first time in life where i can't rest assured that the upcoming years will follow the same routine#like how it was when i entered uni like i just knew 'alright i'll be studying for at least 5 years and then we'll see' and now#it's like i don't know what i'll be doing next month or in half a year or next year or in five years#the uncertainty. killing me. that's how i know i grew up way too protected cause i break under the slightest inconvenience god#alright crying rant over from now on i'll be growing up for real 👍#personal
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I keep listening to different pieces of music that I love and then my brain comes in all helpful with 'this sounds like great music to die with doesn't it'
#tw suicide#im just. so tired#and i know that right now part of it is im sick (not covid tho) but still.#and it's like im grieving the lost friendship all over again and what might have been#i am the best version of myself when im with the boy. but now no wonder he is avoiding me. and i don't blame him! but for some reason it's#hitting rlly hard again atm and it's just. Im Sad.#i really don't know why that's so prevalent in my mind right now#and it's rlly not safe for me to drive long distances alone i think. i find driving v stressful#and any guesses what *that* leads to#tw sh#the answer was: a frightening amount.#and then there are things i don't understand#my brother begged me to destroy the suicide note i wrote yesterday#and i don't know why. because it's very unlikely to be something that i would stop to do tbh. so what there is would at least explain#*something* perhaps. i don't know#i have spent more than half of my waking hours in the last week seriously thinking of suicide. i don't know how to stop this#and given that i've read two books in full and gone to a play i enjoyed that says something about what hte rest of the time has been filled#with. i don't know how to get out of this. in some ways i feel like it's worse now than it was bc i expected it to get better when mum and#dad got back. if anything it's worse - more constant.#the lows are not quite as low but the baseline is definitely lower#i am just feeling very hopeless rn#yesterday i was driving and reciting psalm 23 and i was so overcome with emotion and i repeated it multiple times and that helped somewhat#but only in the moment ig. i don't know. i don't know how to fix this or even improve it#if im still feeling like this on monday i am so going to walk over the road and straight-up ask to borrow a kitten overnight.#and hope the kitten doesn't decide to go near all the cuts :(#a part of me is genuinely wondering if i should check myself into a psych ward. the other parts of me say either that this isn't bad enough#for that or thta i am simply too scared to. which is true. nasty stuff in psych wards for obvious reasons#anyway i need prayers thankyou
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I can write 5 term papers à 8000 words in 2 months!
#while moving out of my apartment here and moving to a different continent#(((and going through some serious withdrawal symptoms that i will simply not acknowledge)))#that's gonna be so much fun#i was gonna drop out of university just a few hours ago#now I'm dedicated to get this bitch of a degree and if it kills me#if i write all these stupid papers i have only one big module left and could finish by next year's Wintersemester#and seriously who even cares about grades anymore#I'll just bullshit everything#my mother called me out for sabotaging myself by being afraid of imperfection so fuck me i guess#it's true though#and i Will write these bitches (please for the love of god let the deadline not be August 31 for all of them#let it be September 30 at least#maybe later? (delusional))#anyway#I'm finishing my stupid presentation now and then in 8 hours will present this shit then go to buy my travel supplies#then go back home and pack my stuff nice and neatly#maybe eat something and work out if I'm not too exhausted and then GO TO BED so i can get maybe 5 hours of sleep#AND THEN DUBLIN#I'm unreasonably excited by now#girl keep your expectations low ffs#I'm just also very excited for dublin tbh#i wish i had more time there#but i will go to my favorite bookstore (if it's still there ㅠㅠ) and walk through the whole inner city for the entire evening and drown#in nostalgia#(and maybe check out trinity college if there's a concert happening there already- although i think i arrive too late#to see how the queuing is handled there)#void screams#yeah no the original topic of this post was news to me as well when i finished my little dublin ramble
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i cant believe the day but i finally got a full tower pc. bought it already built and at a considerable discount of some 320 dollars off. its fucking huge and theres so many things going on inside... i was initially planning on choosing the parts myself but finding the graphics card was so hard and everyone else convinced me to just buy it built and honestly? good. id probably have fucked this up so badly by myself
i cant use it yet bc i took too long to buy the monitor that was also on sale and now its regular price -_- tho i managed to find a discount used one for now. well see how that goes since ill get it tomorrow. i tested it on out living room tv and it had some kaspersky thingy open and like thats so cute. i hope they left some treats in the browsing history for me to search through before i wipe it clean
#its a hexer case and wouldnt you guess the front has a hexagonal pattern. so pretty..#it came with 3 fans installed there too that have a cmyk color style to them and it looks quite neat. im thinking of buying some leds to pu#inside the case to go with my keyboard tho idk if id go that far tbh (< gamer rot is setting in. im not immune to pretty lighting..)#its also got a lot of unused space inside. im thinking of making more sculptures to put in. though idk if thatd be safe for it#bc cold porcelain is glue and water. what if it evaporates inside and suddenly everythings covered in a glue film#i wonder if varnish would help? the transparent nail polish sure didnt do shit it came off like 2 days after sculpting the rw slug sleeping#which like yeah of course. its nail polish. but i didnt expect it to flake since all it does is sleep on top of my laptop keyboard#i need miniature glass cake cover tops to encapsule every sculpture inside for safety#looking at it still no wonder these are called towers gotdamn its legit so huge..#it looks awkward tho bc i cant fully make it glue to the wall bc of the cables so its like. awkwardly a bit in front of the wall#im scaared as to how to tell if it ever gets too hot. on a laptop u just press ur head against the left half and feel how hot it is#i think im gonna need software for this.. sigh. tho maybe ill never get to that point since its supposed to be decent#AND its not 8 years old + the 3 fans and gpu fan and cpu fan. surely thats enough. the case even has space for more than that!!#the acrylic side reflects my keyboard too. so niceys. stimulation for my creature eyes#my desk is gonna be so fucked up when i have to organize everything too bc the one i have now is perfecly laptop-oriented#it sits on a custom wooden desk and the keyboard+drawing tablet sit below. but theres a shelf on top of my desk thats too low for the>#>normal monitor to sit to so i wont be able to use the custom desk. and i dont even know what ill do with my laptop either#finally a good change in my sad life routine fr. i cant wait to play watchdogs on this and overgrowth and other ones#AND LAGLESS KRITA SMUDGE ENGINE BRUSHES!!! AND DOUBLE BRUSHES. THEYRE SO LAGGY#A N D ACTUAL FULL HD NORMAL MONITOR. maybe that will get me to not draw in small canvases anymore#now im anxious i just want the day to be over to get the monitor tomorrow aouugh.. just bc i started coding my resources neocities page#dextxt#<the 'major life events' ((sorta)) tag returns. one for the books.. if something bad happens.. itll be here to remind me of the good times
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finally picked up pokemon shield after months of not playing it and i really enjoy it this time
think i was just not into pokemon at the time, when i was first playing it and trying to get into it. it's not that bad, really. not the BEST pokemon game, but it's alright for what it is
#its sad they didnt include every pokemon#but i guess they cant#i really wanna play legends arceus but i dont have a copy#i can always borrow my sisters' but i like owning my own games#ramblings#i hward legends is like next level pokemon lol#its what pokemon should have been years ago#Hop is Baby#Leon is a guy. Love him.#i have low expectations for every piece of media now because everything is mass produced#and rushed out for a quick buck. i dont expect anything even from big aaa companies to be good anymore#which is sad. it shouldnt be like that... you pay good fuckin money for things and you get... Mediocre at best#blegh. Idk. I like the game regardless of its flaws#its just that it could have been better#apparently scarlet/violet was a shitshow when it launched.. Yikes. glad i missed it lol#i havent finished shield but yeah just feels like im playing Y. I loved Y a lot#but tahts probably because it was the first 3d mainline pokemon game. it was huge when it came out#and this is coming from someone who loved diamond and crystal and Unova#before x/y was even announced
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#ran out of tags on last post but still want to rant without filling anyone's inbox or dash#sorry but here's the continuation#anyway so also we went to my grandma's house and I saw my dogs which breaks my heart every damn time#I miss them so much and it kills me. it causes me physical pain to not have them with me#I'm still mad at my mom to this day for being so horrible to them and giving them away. so it pissed me off to see her cuddling them#everyone disagrees with me but I don't think she has any right to act like she cares about them after she discarded them so easily#I will never stop being upset with her for it and even though everyone thinks I'm a b**** for it I refuse to release the grudge#anyway I'm tired and as nice as parts of my day were I feel like the lows were just really low#this morning we took some lovely graduation photos at my campus (which I visited for the last time) and I'm excited to post a few tomorrow#I'm truly proud of myself and grateful my college experience is over#I just foolishly allowed myself to have a vision of how today would go and parts of it really brought me down#I don't want to complain (which is probably a lie since this is the 3rd post I'm making to rant) but I wasn't expecting to breakdown today#I spent time with people I love and I got cool photos and a really soft sweater with my school's logo on it and I shouldn't be sad right now#plus we're having people over tomorrow for a party to celebrate me#I'm just really reliving the day and a lot of it was negative at my expense and I really hoped everyone would work to make it nice#some of it was obviously out of my family's hands but I feel like they handled that stuff in a way that guilted me and it sucked#I'm just a mess of emotions and I'm lowkey icing everyone out because I don't want to end my night crying again#welcome to real life I guess?#I really shouldn't complain#ashley rants#sorry if anyone read this
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Soaking this in
If you don't know what this is, here's an explanation: Both Fortnite and Call of Duty employ something called "Skill-Based Matchmaking" (SBMM for short), and it has become the bane of a certain subset of players who very vocally yell about how it is ruining multiplayer games.
In short, the game secretly and quietly keeps track of your "skill level." Even if a game has both ranked and unranked modes, it is always tracking this skill level stat that reports back how quickly and easily you're getting kills. When you connect to a new match, it tries to group you with players near your skill level.
The idea being you start with zero skill stat, and by playing the game well, your skill stat levels up until you eventually plateau and you are forever playing the game with people that are just as good (or bad) as you are, within some level of variance.
This means if you're one of these career streamer guys or a Youtube clip compilation sort of dude (or both), then you very quickly get put into high tier matchmaking pools with all the other career streamers and wannabe esports pros. Hence the very loud, very vocal complaints, because if you're one of those guys, the idea of having a "casual match" goes away. Everybody is always firing on all cylinders and you're expected to do the same in order to keep your rank and not look embarrassing to your captive audience.
So Activision apparently ran an experiment per Charlie Intel (article here) where they reduced SBMM's effectiveness, meaning the big fish pros and the little tadpole casual players were thrown into more games together.
The result was a sharp uptick in players rage quitting matches early, some even quitting the game entirely and never coming back. The report notes that while player retention for players with a high skill rank was improved, they make up such a small percentage of the player base (apparently less than 1%; the article has some grammar problems) that servicing them really doesn't make sense.
As it turns out, low level players don't want to get hopelessly destroyed by wannabe esports pros. And those pros make up such a small percentage of the player base it doesn't make sense to keep feeding them more low level chum, even though they are the hungriest for it. As more and more low level players permanently leave the game due to frustration, it turns into a wasteland where high level players are getting mad at each other until they also get frustrated and leave as well. SBMM ensures long term health for a game's multiplayer ecosystem.
And being a Fortnite player, it's so validating to hear this. "SBMM is ruining multiplayer" was always a narrative coming from streamers and youtubers who were frustrated by having to actually TRY instead of being able to score easy clip compilation fodder on clueless newbies.
Enjoy sticking to your smurf accounts now, I guess.
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17 days until i’m 27
#gonna try to keep my expectations low for this thing too#cause last time during my birthday celebration no one even asked how i am. who cares that its my bday? who cares about the fact that its#my day?? nope. i even got insulted cause i sat on the part of the sofa where my aunt wanted to sit#i just wasnt as obedient as usual and she did NOT like it#so yeah when everyone went home i just had a breakdown cause nobody cared about me#i wish they’d care now but i’ll try to not expect anything#which for me is basically impossible but ill try#its just… i always hope that on my birthday people will finally show me love but i guess thats a pretty fucked up thing#if they dont like me thats fine. one day my people will love me everyday. not just on my bday. and not out of pity#its just that ive been lonely for so long#but its ok#but no celebration this year except we’ll just acknowledge it during easter. cause mine’s on easter second day#by we i mean my family my grandma and cousin families#i do have my delusiona about coach surprising me but ik thats not gonna happen#its just that he’s my favourite person and i’m a maladaptive daydreamer so#just gonna ignore my brain#no one in fencing will probably gonna remember my birthday#except the ones who have me on facebook
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Not my neighbors getting day drunk, falling down their stairs, busting a hole in the drywall, and attempting to fix it at 8:30pm 🫣
#they were loudly singing at noon. at 1 or so i ran into one of them outside and he apologized for the noise and said they're all wasted#at 6 i heard a loud sound like someone falling down stairs. followed by their dog barking a lot and one of the girls screaming#the loud conversation of 'do you need an ambulance' and 'who is the least fucked up?' followed#silence for a little over 2 hours. now someone pulled up with a truck with drywall in the back and they've gone inside#and they're clearly cutting away the old drywall and putting new stuff in#like. good on them for fixing it. i guess? but i feel like not getting shitty drunk is also an option.#moving into low income housing i expected a bunch of single parents with screaming kids. not grown ass college students who are louder.#getting to the point where i want to suggest they go live in student housing if they wanna be so fucking obnoxious#the people on either side of me are all super young and clearly don't know how to live in an apartment#both houses constantly have loud ass music going. both like to yell. it's great.#there's only one decent person between the four people in the drunk wallbreaker apartment and he's just some little twink#the rest of them will scream like they're being chased and slam into the walls etc. like all night#they also keep throwing seltzer cans over the divider between our balconies and I'm pretty over that
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The key to getting back into writing for me is to not look at my word count no matter fucking what
#it’s always fewer words than i expect which is so demotivating#i’m just working on trying to spend a little time writing every day and enjoying that time rn#it helps that i have some stuff i wrote a few months ago and thought was horrible that i can look at low and be like. oh this isn’t bad#actually which means if i think what I’m writing now sucks my brains probably lying again#but back to my point: word count is Disabled. i will Not be looking at it it doesn’t matter even if i only write fifty words a day#guess what! that will turn into a thousand in a couple weeks
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