#i genuinely feel like I was meant to be on this earth just to suffer

[evanstanhoney]

I’m never gonna know what love feels like, huh?

[natalievoncatte]

There was something decidedly… insistent about Lena’s footsteps. Kara knew it was her, of course, when she picked up Lena heading towards her apartment. Not just her heart rate but her breathing and mumbling to herself and the way she walked, her footfalls painting a picture of how she was walking, and she was mad.

Kara expected a complaint when she opened the door. Lena would sometimes launch without preamble into a rant about this investor or that senator or some such executive at this or that company and just rant adorably, balling her little fists. Kara would never tell her, because she’d feel patronized, but Lena genuinely was cute when she was angry.

Well, annoyed. When she was really angry, throwing a fit angry, fed up with the world angry, she was something else entirely. Kara would move heaven and earth, quite literally, to address whatever bothered her. When she was sad it was even worse and Kara just wanted to bundle her up in her invulnerable arms and shelter her from everything forever.

Lena walked into the apartment, not looking at Kara, and clearly fuming. She dropped the order she’d picked up on the way into the kitchen island and stared at it, then finally glared at Kara. There was no mistaking the subject of her anger.

Kara fidgeted nervously. She shifted on her feet, feeling a pressure of Lena’s gaze that forced her own away.

“Lena? Is something wrong?” She swallowed, hard. “Bad day?”

“Something is wrong,” Lena said, very softly, in the icy tone she reserved for the fools she did not suffer gladly. “Take off your glasses.”

“What?”

“Take off your glasses, Kara.”

“But I can’t see…”

Lena stepped forward and put her hand on the takeout order in its plastic bag. Kara had ordered it and Lena had agreed to pick it up, far from be first time they’d done that. Lena often ordered for them and Kara brought it when Lena was hosting.

Right now Lena was trembling, head tilted forward like she meant to charge, eyes locked on Kara.

“Glasses. Off.”

Kara hesitated briefly.

“Okay,” she muttered, screaming at herself not to do this, pleading for some kind of distraction.

All she wanted to do tonight was curl up with Lena on the couch and watch a movie and focus very very hard on not giving away how badly she wanted to make out with her.

Kara slowly took the earpieces in her hands and slipped them off, setting the too-heavy frames on the table with a soft clunk. The word rushed in, sounds more vibrant and distracting, colors almost unpleasantly sharp.

Lena was staring at her. Her nostrils flared and her fists clenched. She took her hand from the food bag and took another step forward, then another, finally picking up the glasses in her own hand, feeling them. She raised them as if to put them on and stared through them.

“For someone who says she’s blind without them, these glasses don’t have a very strong prescription, do they.”

Possibilities raced through Kara’s mind. Things she could say, things she might do. She’d squeaked out of this before, somehow evaded Lena’s staggering intellect. She had seen curiosity darken her brows, maybe even brief moments of suspicion.

This was different. Heavier. More serious.

“What gave me away?”

“Everything, really. All the pieces were there this whole time, but I just refused to put them together on my own. It took a flat out slap in the face to make me choose to see it.”

Kara’s chest felt like it was caving in. Everything was going wrong. Her chin quivered and the tears began welling hot behind her eyes.

Lena looked at her flatly. “The guy at the take out place asked me why I was picking up Supergirl’s order. I asked him what the hell he was talking about and he told me Supergirl comes on all the time. Then he showed me a selfie.”

Kara licked her lips.

“It has to be a mistake.”

“They have your number on their speed dial as Supergirl, Kara. You let their delivery kid take a selfie in your suit. They wouldn’t let me pay for it. The old lady that owns the place said ‘Supergirls girlfriend, no charge!’ and started laughing.”

Kara stared at her.

“Lena…”

“You better have a good fucking explanation for why your favorite restaurant knows who you really are and not your supposed best friend.”

The tension in their air was palpable, electric. Kara could feel it like the gathering energy in the air before a storm, ready to burst forth with energy and life or mindless destruction. She folded her arms around herself and looked down.

“You do know me,” Kara finally said. “You do know who I really am. You’re the only person who does.”

Lena’s extension was fixed, intense, edging between a scowl and a pout, and Kara realized with a start that she was holding back tears of her own.

“You’re the only person that knows me as me. You know me without Supergirl, but without all the fake stuff I do so people won’t realize I’m Supergirl. I don’t have to pretend to be clumsy with you. You’re not always looking at me like I’m super strong or super fast. I can just be me when I’m with you.”

“You’ve lied to me so many times,” Lena said, after drawing in a deep breath. “Running away from our lunches, telling me wild stories about where you disappear to at work, and I just bought every bit of it. You must think I’m an easy mark.”

“No, never.”

“I’ve always had it in the back of my head. I always thought there was something there, something between us that kept you from really, truly being yourself with me. The way your touches are always so whisper-light and you’re always stealing glances at me. Like you were afraid with every word or movement that you’d give something away.”

“Lena,” Kara began.

“I knew you were hiding something. I had hoped it was something else.”

Kara licked her lips. She quickened her perception, a little trick of will that took her out of sync with the humans around her, processing the world at her natural speed, which made her peers seem almost frozen in place by comparison.

She took this drawn out instant to really look at Lena, truly take her in, savor what she was seeing because it might be the end. She was suddenly heavily, painfully aware that this might be the last time she ever looked on Lena in person.

Great father Rao, she was so beautiful. Not hot or pretty or even gorgeous or sexy, beautiful. She was dressed for the autumn chill in a pea coat and turtleneck and black leggings and her hair was down, letting itself soften into her natural waves. She was without makeup, and Kara suddenly realized that she only ever saw Lena without makeup when she meant to be alone with Kara. When she was her most pure, most true self.

Kara slowed herself again and as she did the world sped up, and she drank in the soft sadness in Lena’s blue-green eyes and all of those things she’d pushed deep down came bubbling to the surface: imagined sighs and the feeling of that lustrous inky hair slipping through her fingers, her name whispered on pillowy lips.

Human thoughts. Alien thoughts. Desires no Kryptonian should even apprehend, much less indulge. The very idea of the non-procreative act was shameful, and to develop these emotional entanglement…

Kara had once mourned her failure, for she had been charged with preserving the ways of her people. Her first command had been to keep Kal Kryptonian.

A task she had failed even within herself.

“You hoped it was something else?”

Lena looked at her so sadly and so sweetly and swallowed.

“Yeah,” she said in a thick voice, “I kinda did.”

Kara smiled in spite of herself. When she sighed, it was as if the weight of a world slid off her shoulders.

“Can’t a girl have two secrets?”

Lena’s eyes widened.

“One day a long time ago, very very far away, a young Kara looked over her shoulder and watched the shockwave shatter the crust of her planet as its core exploded. She lost everything. Her world, her family, her culture, so many things. Tastes. Colors. Places. All gone.”

Lena wrapped her arms around herself, averting her gaze.

“I knew I’d lose you eventually. I just wanted to keep you as long as I could.”

Lena reached up and rubbed at her eyelids with her fingers.

“Do you remember when your mom’s goons threw you off the balcony?”

“Yes,” said Lena.

“Do you remember how I held you when I caught you?”

“I do.”

“I wish I hadn’t lied. I wish I’d never put you down.”

Lena said nothing and did not look up. Kara could hear her heart racing, practically feel the tension in her limbs across the room.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I lied. I’ve always known I could never keep you, I just didn’t want to make it end.”

Lena looked up with tear-wet eyes.

Then she lunged across the room, crossing the gap between them in long strides. Kara Danvers -Kara Zoe-El, Supergirl- was caught almost completely off guard. It wasn’t until Lena was practically charging into her arms, leaping into her, that she remembered to cushion the impact, catch her gently and make sure she didn’t slam herself into an unyielding wall of Kara.

She was so surprised, so shocked into helpless acceptance, that she didn’t offer the slightest residence when Lena reached, grabbed her neck in a firm hold, and pulled her into a kiss. Kara’s stomach did a backflip and she was helpless, undone despite all her strength. For a moment both their eyes opened and they looked at each other in a wordless exchange and Kara began kissing her back in earnest. Lena’s sharp breaths and soft moans instantly kindled a hot need inside her, thrumming like a plucked guitar string, and she effortlessly lifted Lena onto the kitchen counter.

“Holy shit, you’re strong,” Lena breathed.

“Of course I am,” she whispered into Lena’s kiss. “I’m Supergirl.”

And at long last, Kara found something she wanted to taste more than potstickers.

[descendant-of-truth]

Y'know, it occurs to me - Movie!Sonic has a lot more in common Shadow than any other version of Sonic that I know of, and that creates a unique storytelling opportunity that wouldn't have been possible before.

Because originally, Shadow having a dark and traumatic backstory was what separated him from Sonic. Their similarities came out more in their confidence, their playful attitude, and even their withdrawn demeanor (though Shadow's is more extreme). Sonic's genuine ability to be carefree and optimistic was his biggest difference from Shadow.

In the movies, Sonic is... not nearly as put-together. Just like Shadow, his personality is shaped almost entirely from the result of tragedy. Both of them had to watch their closest family member get shot trying to save them from raiders (who were specifically targeting them for their powers) by sending them to Earth. The difference here is that, for Shadow, this event is fresh in his mind, while Sonic's had ten years (give or take) to accept what happened and move on.

Except, there's more, because losing Longclaw is itself not the main thing informing Sonic's character - it's the fact that he spent those next ten years in near-total isolation. Also similarly to Shadow, he took the last words his family said to him very seriously, and she told him to stay hidden no matter what. Combine that with the natural fear of what being found did to Longclaw, and the majority of Sonic's life has been spent hidden away, looking out at the world but unable to participate in it.

Remind you of anyone?

(I swear if the movie doesn't make a point about this parallel specifically I'm gonna lose it)

Normally, Sonic is a silly and upbeat character because that's just how he is by nature, and the feelings he keeps to himself are rarely detrimental to his health. In the movie universe, Sonic is silly and upbeat because he needed to be that way in order for his life to be bearable.

His constant chatter isn't quirky for the sake of it, it's a habit he developed out of necessity because there was no one else to talk to. He compulsively needs to fill the silence because not doing that would only reinforce how alone he was, and it's something he can't shake off even when he's not by himself anymore. His primary method of handling his feelings is to ignore them until they literally explode out of him with lightning firing everywhere.

All of this to say, a Shadow meant to be a foil to this Sonic is going to look very different from the Shadow we're used to. From what little about the movie's events have been described as of writing this, I'm inferring that Shadow's actually going to be a lot more open about his motivations for revenge than he was in the game, and that puts Sonic in the very interesting position of being more closed-off than Shadow.

Because sure, he might try to connect with Shadow's pain like he did with Knuckles. But because Sonic and Knuckles's history was so directly connected, they didn't really have to... talk that much about it. Sonic could acknowledge that they both lost their families a long time ago without having to go into detail about it or the aftermath. And because it had been so long since it happened, it was a lot easier for them to put it behind them and move on.

Shadow can't do that, because for him, Maria was lost very recently. He's not going to accept "you can move on and find new people to care about" as an option, and Sonic can't very well tell him to just ignore it like he did, either. Shadow isn't going to do the whole repression shtick.

For the first time, getting through to Shadow may just depend on Sonic being able to acknowledge his own pain, first. After all, how's Shadow supposed to interpret Sonic, if not as some random guy with a perfectly happy family and an obnoxiously happy attitude telling him that he needs to just, get over what happened to him? How can that come across as anything but naive and shallow without understanding how much Sonic suffered to get to this point?

(It's still a little naive and shallow even with that in mind, but the reason for that isn't because he has no perspective on what experiencing a violent tragedy is like - it's because his only known way of handling it is to leave it in the past and Not Think About It)

Though I do wonder if there's room for Sonic to initially clam up on his emotions even more after meeting Shadow for a bit? Like, he learns to some extent what happened, and is like "aw jeez if this is what could happen if I let myself be more upset about my lot in life then I REALLY need to reign it in" which is the exact opposite lesson he needs to learn but would be really interesting to watch

Point being, I think Sonic and Shadow are being set up as even more like mirrors to each other than usual, and I can't wait to see what they do with that potential

[sweetcherriexs]

die; b.e.

Ever feel like you’ve done absolutely nothing right in your life? Like anything you did, said or thought was wrong. You couldn't ever do anything right. Like you were never meant to feel okay. Like every single thing you’ve ever accomplished was… out of pure pity from God? 

It’s the worst fucking feeling.

You can’t be dead because that’s unfair to people who love you. You can’t be dead because you’d seem pathetic. You can’t be dead because you’re a fucking coward. 

But you can’t exactly be alive either because why the fuck did you exist? Like genuinely… why on earth were you born? If only to suffer and suffer until you finally break down and crumble.

You’re too selfless for your own good but you’re also the most selfish person on earth. You don’t deserve the love you receive. You don’t deserve anything good because the moment you have it, it’s right in your hands and then your drop it, scrambling to catch it but you’re too late and now it’s broken and you’ve lost it.

No one believes you when you tell them you’re a bad person. No… how could they? You’re so sweet, aren’t you? So loving and sweet and kind, huh?

But nobody sees or hears the thoughts in your head. God you’re a horrible person. You fuck up everything, every good thing coming your way because you too damn desperate to be loved. But you don’t get it, do you? Nobody will ever love you. You’ll always doubt every ‘I love you’ said to you. You’ll never feel the love that is given to you and it rips you apart from the inside out but there is nothing you can do.

You’ve given up. There is no escape. Only acceptance that you’re broken. And you can’t be fixed. But do you even want to be fixed? Do you want to be okay? Will anyone care when you’re finally okay? Will you be able to love as hard when you’re okay?

Will you want to live? Will you be able to confidently admit that you don’t want to take your last breath? You don’t know and it scared you.

Maybe you’re getting worse and worse on purpose. You’re doing this to yourself so you get attention from people that are just trying to survive. God, why can’t they just hate you? Hate you so you don’t have to explain the mess that is in your head. It’s such a dark place and most of the time you just wanna take a gun and pull the trigger. God, it would feel so good. To you…

But what about the people you’ve fooled? What about them? How will they know your true self? Who you really are and what’s really going through your mind every second of the day.

There were so many times you’ve thought you’re getting better, but, no, it was just another person your heart longed for that you've fooled because they cared…. They loved you and-

“Hey, babe” 

Your head shot up from staring at the ground, your fingers stopping their fidgeting on your lap as you’re met with your girlfriend’s eyes staring at you. 

“You okay?” 

You stayed silent for another second before breathing out. “Yeah uh… I’m fine” 

Billie swallowed harshly at your vague answer and pursed her lips. “Mrs. Harris called” She mumbled, sitting beside you on the sofa with a sigh. “Said you haven’t been going to your sessions” 

You took in a sharp breath then looked at her. “Yeah… I don’t need them” 

She looked at you with soft eyes and you wanted to puke. PLEASE PLEASE DONT FUCKING PITY ME. Your throat closed up and you looked away from her, squeezing your hands into fists. 

“Baby…” Billie starts but you cut her off.

“I can’t be fixed, Billie. I’m past fucking repair” You muttered harshly “honestly I don’t even know why you care!” 

Billie straightened up at your words with a frown on her face. “The fuck? I care because I love you!” You let out a loud scoff at her words and shook your head. “What? What now?” Billie grumbled.

“You don’t love me! You say you do because you want me to be okay but I’m never gonna be okay! I don’t want to be okay!”

Billie froze, staring at you with disbelief etched on her face.

“Just go! Leave me before I rope you into my endless hurt and suffering!”

“Baby, I’m not gonna-” 

“I said fucking go!” You shouted, bringing your knees up to your chest and curling into a ball and you screwed your eyes shut.

Billie pressed her lips together as she looked at you. She felt her chest tighten and her eyes watered. She moved closer to you. “Don’t do this…. You’re gonna be okay, okay? I’m here, my love” She placed a head on your back and your whole being broke at the soft touch, sobs rocking your body. “Sh sh sh” She shushes you gently, grabbing your shoulders and bringing you to face her.

“I know, baby, I know. It hurts I know, don’t listen to those thoughts, okay? Just feel my love for you” She murmured, bringing you to her chest as she stroked your back. You sobbed and gripped her shirt in your hands.

“I–.. d-don’t-.... deserve—..” 

Billie soothed you once more, pressing her lips to the crown of your head as her own tears fell on your hair. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that” She whispered, her voice breaking as she held your shaking body in her arms. “I love you, I love you so much” She lets out.

And though she said it… you couldn’t believe her. You wanted to. Oh if only anyone knew how bad you wanted to but you just couldn’t. It hurt your chest and you couldn't breathe.  

She doesn’t care

She doesn’t love you

She hates you

God she hates you so much

She wants you gone

You're a burden to her

A broken thing she has to take care of

You should just kill yourself

You shouldn’t be alive

You don’t deserve this beautiful life

You don’t deserve her care

You don’t deserve her love

Why can’t you just die?

[bubble-leaves]

Hiya! could I request the male romanceables' ways of apologising to p/c after an argument? I saw a post about it and wanted to know your thoughts thanks so much and belated happy birthday!

So sorry about the wait, I had a sudden case of burnout!! Here we go!!

Hodari:

Hodari feels like the scum of the earth when he knows he hurt your feelings during an argument. His apologies are soft to you and brutal toward himself; he'll let you know that he's a hardass and stupid when he gets too into his own head. When that's out of the way, he'll explain how he never meant to hurt you, never in a million years. If he REALLY messed up, expect to be cooked your favorite meal, with your favorite dessert, and a long array of explanations and apologies into the night.

Reth:

Reth's also one to berate himself during his apologies, just out of habit. His apologies are more like rambles, really, due to how panicked he gets when he sees you're genuinely upset. He'll splutter out how sorry he is, how idiotic he was being, how wonderful you are, and how he'll do better. Even if it's just a little argument, Reth will make you an apology food of your liking, most often desserts. Or soup. That's a given. Whatever you two argued over will most likely not be argued about again, as Reth hates confrontation and doesn't want to relive hurting you again.

Hassian:

When Hassian hurts you, he cuts right to the chase. There are no excuses. There are rarely explanations. Absolutely no self-degradation; he keeps that to himself. Hassian apologizes up front for what he's done and asks what he could do to make up for it. And even if you forgive him and tell him he doesn't have to worry about it, he'll search for a meaningful gift anyway. Something like you like, something practical, or perhaps something poetic. He's not going to let you go without a physical apology.

Einar:

Einar is characteristically blunt whenever he apologizes. He'll explain his thought process for why he acted the way he did or said the things he said, not deminishing it by any means. He'll then list out his observations that he's had if you following your argument; you seem upset, dejected, frustrated. He'll explain how he does not like seeing you with such emotions. Finally, he'll apologize and let you know he won't say/do whatever he did again.

Jel:

Jel is a mixed bag when it comes to apologizing. He might delay apologizing he feels he's REALLY in the right. But at some point, he comes to the realization that his pride means less to him than you do. You are Jel's everything, and he's not going to let you suffer silently due to something he did. So, with all his melancholy, Jel will softly apologize to you and tell you how much he adores you and loves everything about you. He'll kiss you, hold you, whisper sweet words to you. Everything to make up for his callous behavior before, and to show you how much you mean to him.

Nai'o:

Nai'o rarely ever gets angry or argumentative. When he does, he's loud and actually kind of scary—which is the LAST THING he wants to be, for you. When he sees you upset because of something he said, did, or hinted at, he will profusely apologize. He'll hug you tight, whispering how sorry he is and how he didn't mean to hurt you or scare you. Later in the day, he'll come moping to you with a fresh-baked pie and flowers, even if you did already forgive him.

[jess-the-vampire]

Philip's death didn't really work for me.

I see quite lot of people saying it's meant to be poetic, and its meant to be lackluster by taking him from high and mighty to pathetic and a mess.

But that's not what bothers me, what bothers me, is set up with no payoff.

And also confusing consistency.

Caleb got a decent focus these last two episodes, his story with philip is alluded to and slightly dived into, and with philip seeing him and having such heavy focus on his conflicting feelings towards his brother you'd kinda expect his ending to involve him to an extent?

Whether that be him going insane or being trapped with his worst memories for the rest of his life about caleb. It feels more thematic, more painful, to watch him suffer with what he did, that he killed his brother for nothing.

But caleb isn't even mentioned in this finale, he had nothing to do with Philip's death, he's not even shown at all.

And then on top of this, Philip supposibly is killed via rain and being stomped to death......but he survived being mega blasted into a wall by a God child via goo.

So he can survive that? But not being stomped? It's not as if there's no goo remains of him left, king even mentions him being between his toes.

Like I just can't buy this actually killing him when this didn't work the last time they tried it. If a God slamming him into a wall didn't work, how is a few normal people doing it better?

And somehow he turned into young Philip? Which, I don't know how he can do that, could he do that this whole time? ( his powers are really weird to me)

I dunno man, its not like he didn't get what was coming to him, but this doesn't fit with what the show was building towards, nor does it make sense?

The main reason most people thought trapping him forever was a good idea was because he'd suffer longer and because he could never come back or reform.

But like, not only was this more merciful then he deserved (even tho him begging for his life and trying to trick luz was interesting), but this ending doesn't really sound like something he couldn't recover from.

He's such a good villian that felt like he deserved a bigger climatic death that was an climax to all the bad deeds he did, like everything came to bite him since he hurt his brother.

But we just didn't get that, its like when we had so much interesting conversations about him wanting to go home to earth and his anxiety regarding it.......but then it never comes up when he's actually ON earth from him.

I dont even wanna be mean, cause I know what the crew faced, but this isn't something that I think can be entirely put on the cut either. At the end of the day, the team chose this to be how they took belos out.

And its just underwhelming.

Hes the villian. But he's a GOOD villian, with an interesting backstory, and I can't say this ending fits what we had set up for him.

If it works for you, great.

But not for me.

I was fine with him going out being pathetic and everything like a bug, its just that it feels like we were setting up something much more personal then we got, and the fact I don't buy that this would genuinely kill him is the cherry on top.

I'll have time to mull it over so maybe my thoughts could change, but right now, I'm getting strong Toffee flashbacks.

There is still great stuff in this finale, but I don't think his ending was one of them.

[lokisprettygirl]

Utopia (Modern! Daemon Targaryen x female reader) (Non Canon AU) (18+)

Read chapter 8 here // Series Masterlist

Chapter 9

Summary: Daemon gives you the gift of a lifetime.

Warning: 18+ sex ,period sex (if it bothers you skip the scene) death and destruction that comes from a ship wreckage, smut, sex, menstrual sex, unprotected sex. Some inconsistency with ship sinking, i researched as much as I could

You were sitting in the office of the hiring manager of Casatopia, a popular five star hotel just outside London, it was closer to your house though and that's what you liked. Emma had asked Dalton to give your name for the vacant sous chef position so you decided to give it a try.

You couldn't just stay at home and miss Daemon like crazy when he wasn't around you, being at home all day long was driving you bonkers. The topia in the name made you feel slightly uneasy but you ignored the thought and decided to focus on the interview.

“So how was it at night ..over there?” Preston, the manager, asked you so you gave him a confused look, hoping that he would be able to provide you with a bit more context.

“I apologize I don't understand” you mumbled politely so he gave you a small smile.

“On the island I meant, I hope I'm not stepping on your boundaries, I'm just absolutely fascinated by your survival story” he said to you, his tone was gentle and filled with genuine curiosity.

Of Course he was curious. As soon as people recognised you this was how it went, perhaps you should consider scraping 'Worked as a sous chef on Queen Utopia' from your resume. You couldn't help but feel that it may not be the most professional topic to discuss at a job interview.

“It was tough but atleast I wasn't alone, I had someone who kept me sane there, there are people on this earth who have survived months with no one by their side so I'm grateful to not be alone in that situation” you mumbled politely as you understood where he was coming from.

Prior to your experiences on the ship and the island, you were one of those people who would read about survival stories and be amazed at what the survivors had accomplished. You always found it impossible to imagine yourself in such a situation and couldn't comprehend how someone could have the resilience and to make it through something like that.

That was, until you found yourself in a similar situation on the island, and your survival instincts began to kick in.

“Yeah I know..Daemon Targaryen, you lot are famous” You gave him a tight lipped smile as he said that.

A news article had picked up Lily's reddit post which had then reached the mainstream media. The backlash was brutal, but you and Daemon stood firm and refused to get caught up in the drama. You both knew that your love and appreciation for each other shouldn't have needed any justification after the traumatic event you both had been through. It should have been self-explanatory,

“Alright you're hired” he said to you so you furrowed your brows as he didn't really ask anything about your work experiences.

“You don't want to know anything about my capabilities or -” he interrupted you before you could even finish your sentence.

“Dalton told me enough..i just wanted to meet you if I'm being honest”

Were you getting some sort of hero privilege because of your suffering? You weren't sure if you enjoyed being favored like this or not. The attention you received was overwhelming and at times made you feel uncomfortable, especially when it seemed like people were looking at you as some kind of hero rather than a regular human being who just happened to have survived a traumatic experience when there really wasn't any other option.

“Our live band quit on us a few days ago and we are looking for a band again, though i have connected with the manager already, i hope The Dragonriders would accept the job”

You sighed as he said that and you were going to politely decline the job offer but then he passed you the salary slip and you accepted it almost immediately, it was more than you could have ever imagined.

Later that day as you reached home after that weird interview session, there was a text from Daemon, he was supposed to meet you at your place..

You grabbed a few things and called a cab to make way to his place. He had given you a key to his house for emergencies purposes and normally you'd just knock but you decided to make use of the key this time, as you knew that Daemon was in pain and likely resting in bed.

As you entered his bedroom he was laying on the bed with his head squished into the pillow so you climbed into the bed and wrapped your arm around him, as soon as he felt your touch his arm circled around your waist and he placed his head between the crook of your neck. His eyes were bloodshot red, his face was warm to the touch as well, he seemed flushed and even though he was in misery at the moment you couldn't help but notice how pretty he looked like this.

“Let me take care of you ok..did you take your pill?” You asked him softly as you scratched his scalp so he barely groaned in response.

“I'll be right back okay?” you got up from the bed, turning off all the lights in the room, as you knew how sensitive Daemon was to bright lights. You brought out the candles you had packed with you and began lighting them, casting a warm soft glow around the room. You then made your way to the kitchen to fetch a bowl of ice water and a wet cloth. Once everything was ready, you returned to Daemon's room and gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention so he scooted closer and placed his head on your lap.

Dipping the cloth in the icy cold water you placed it on his forehead and he sighed as he felt the cooling sensation, he opened his eyes to look at you for a moment, his lips curved into a faint smile before he closed his eyes again and allowed you to do your thing.

He had never had anyone caring about him like this, this was one of those things that made him feel closer to you on the island and he had come to realize how precious you actually were inside out.

And now your value in his life was something nobody else would ever be able to replicate or replace.

During his migraine attacks the most Lily ever did for him was that she'd sing at times and not that he was going to compare you two, he appreciated her efforts too but you just did it differently, you took care of him in ways he always wanted to be cared for.

He laid there quite for what felt like hours and as the burning pain gradually subsided, he took your hand and kissed it lovingly before he asked you to stop, he just wanted to hold you now and cuddle the night away.

“Emma found us a gig” he mumbled so you sighed in response. You were well aware of the gig.

“She found me a job as well at Casatopia” you said to him so nodded in acknowledgement. He already knew about that.

“Fate” he muttered softly so you pecked on his lips.

“It's giving me deja vu.. doesn't it feel weird to you that we'd be working again at the same place, in the hospitality industry no less? And there's literally topia in the name?”

He pulled away a little as you said that, he wasn't really thinking about it until you pointed it out.

“Are you worried something awful is going to happen again?” he asked you with concern evident in his voice.

“Yeah..what if the hotel burns down or explodes? Or something” you mumbled, your voice held a sense of foreboding.

“That's not going to happen sweetheart..you can't go about your life living in such fear but that is not to say that your fears are not valid, they truly are ..but no matter what happens I'll find you like you have found me..i promise okay?” he reassured you gently and you couldn't help but smile at that. The trauma was indented into you so deeply but with him by your side life was so much easier to deal with.

“Are you feeling okay now?” You asked him so he hummed in response,

“I'd feel much better if you'd ride me right about now” he gave you a mischievous smirk so you tapped on his cheek lightly.

“Dirty boy” you mumbled as you climbed on top of him and immediately unbuttoned his pants. Sometimes you both needed this quick raw fuck where no foreplay was a necessity or required, you just wanted to feel him inside you and he was more than eager to spill into you as fast as you could make him.

“Would you keep your schedule clear for the next week?” he asked you so you looked at him curiously.

“The whole week? I'm starting that job..”

“Can you talk to them and start a week later?” He mumbled as his breath hitched in his chest when you sunk down on him,

“Normally it would have seemed impossible but considering that manager is such a fan of ours I think I can manage” you chuckled softly and that made him smile too.

“Mmmm the trauma has its perks huh?”

You rode him very slowly at first as you just wanted to feel him in there, your fingers worked the buttons of his shirt and then you leaned down to suck on his neck before you lowered your mouth and pressed kisses on his bare chest.

“What are you planning?” You whispered in his ear so he gave you a smile.

“I'm taking you somewhere sweetheart”

“I can't ask where?”

He shook his head as you said that.

“It's a surprise”

“Alrighty”

Next day while Daemon was rehearsing with the band you sat down in front of the tv and received a surprising albeit not really shocking news, you had a feeling that Danny had something to do with the ship sinking incident and you were proven right.

He had come out in the open to tell that he had inadvertently left the cargo hatch open on the lower deck because he was distracted by something and someone, which allowed water to enter and resulted in the sinking, when he had realised it was too late to fix it. His video had received a million views where he was seen crying and apologizing because he couldn't bear the guilt of it anymore.

Even though Danny hadn't directly implicated Lily in his statement, you couldn't shake the feeling that her involvement was still tied to the tragedy because she had sent that voicemail that night to Daemon mentioning Danny and you had seen Danny at her house that night.

As you watched the news, you found yourself at a loss for words. How could Danny have made such a devastating mistake, especially when so much was at stake? The consequences of his actions were unfathomable, and you couldn't help but feel a mixture of anger, sadness, and frustration bubbling up inside you.

People had lost their lives, families had been torn apart, and all because of one person's negligence.

You felt enraged because he was the reason why you had to suffer for so long on that Island, all of this for what?

All you felt in that moment was resentment and anger towards Lily and Danny, that night when he looked into your eyes you didn't understand that look he gave you but now you knew it was probably guilt.

Given the severity of the situation, it was likely that he was going to get charged with manslaughter and his life was ruined, that was given.

When you saw Daemon that day he seemed lost too so you just wrapped your arms around him and hugged him tightly to comfort him.

“Did she ever tell you about this?”

You asked him as you pulled away so he shook his head lightly,

“I can't make sense of it…how could you be involved in something like that and then..she must have known that ship would sink and she didn't even try to warn us or— i -” you rubbed his shoulders with your fingers to comfort him as you heard his voice breaking, he was at loss of words as well, same as you but it was more difficult for him because Lily was involved.

“You spend years with someone and you think you know who they are but I.. didn't know her ..at all. How could I have been in love with her if I didn't know her like that?” his eyes teared up as he questioned you so you cupped his cheeks and kissed his forehead.

“It's not that easy.. love is complex..you can't put it in a box like that Daemon..you loved her but honestly she never deserved your love”

He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you closer as you said that, until now he had never heard you saying anything against Lily even when she gave you every reason to do so but now he understood your resentment as he felt the same way about it. He resented her now especially because ever since he had returned all she had tried to do was possess him again, she didn't care what he had gone through and she definitely didn't care that she was one of the reasons why that had happened to him.

He really thought that perhaps with time a friendship could develop between them again but this revelation had changed that for him. He didn't want her in her life anymore, he didn't want to be around her in any form.

A week later you were packing for that surprise trip and Emma offered to help you with that,

“Where is he taking you?” She asked you so you shrugged in response as you didn't know yourself where he was taking you. This was his big surprise.

“He won't say anything..I was hoping he had spilled something to Aemond or Cole-”

“Nahh Aemond would have told me”

You nodded as she said that, the next morning he picked you up in the earliest and as you reached the dock with him your blood ran cold so he took his seat belt off and grabbed your hand.

“I need you to trust me, okay? Can you?” he asked you softly so you gulped in nervousness.

“Are we.. going on a boat ride?” your voice shook as you spoke so he nodded,

“It's going to be ok..I'll take care of you I promise.. I just ..just trust me please”

You cupped his cheeks as he said that. The ocean terrified you, anything to do with ships or boats scared you but you wanted to trust him because you had a feeling this was something really important to him and you had a feeling wherever he was taking you would only bring you happiness because he was certain of it.

As you boarded the high-speed boat, the churning waters and the speed at which the vessel was traveling brought back memories so you spent most of the time being in the deck with Daemon,

Apart from you two there were two trained operators who were going to drive you both towards the destination, you noticed how the boat was equipped with everything you'd ever need in the case of an emergency. Plenty of rations, clothes and other necessities were available.

“How much did you spend on this?” You asked him softly as you both were cuddling on the bed so he gave you a smirk.

“You don't have to worry about that..I wanted to do this for both of us”

He was being so cryptic and mysterious and perhaps you'd have felt wary of a man's intentions but it was Daemon, your cavemon and if there was something you knew about that man then it was the fact that he'd never hurt you or harm you in anyways.

With Daemon by your side the time always seemed to race so approx two days later as you finally reached your destination he put a blindfold over your eyes and asked you to not try to peek until he said so.

You couldn't help but giggle, his excitement was infectious.

He wrapped his arms around your waist as he guided you off the boat and as soon as he put you down you felt the warm sand beneath your feet and let out a literal gasp.

“Daemon–” your voice came out in a whisper and as you inhaled the air, your eyes widened.

You didn't even have to guess anymore as you recognized the scent of your surroundings immediately. You had spent six months here after all.

You were back on the island, the island that had saved your life in a way and brought the love of your life closer to you.

The uninhabited island that was now owned by Daemon Targaryen and had a name now. Utopia- a place where everything was perfect.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Note: There will be an epilogue for this to sum it up. But this was all I had to tell about Mr Cavemon and his brave girl that risked everything for him. Hope my lovely few readers had enjoyed this story 🥺

Taglist

@mcufan72 @123forgottherest @shuichiakainx @stupidthoughtsinwriting @tmlbdv

@ammo23 @anukulee @ajthefujoshi

[lightlycareless]

so, I wasn't planning on writing a continuation to the naoya/yn/toji threesome but an anon sent me an ask and the rest is history. This is a sneak peak of that sequel. 🤭

also, I'm slowly writing the new chapter for my main fic in between requests :') thank you so much for your patience!!! I shall do my best to finish soon. ❤️❤️

warnings: mentions of infidelity. mentions of previous smut activities.

the complete version can be found here.

Toji’s not to disclose if you or Naoya came back for a repeat of that night’s succession, though he will admit your pregnancy was not surprising.

It’s not like he could run away from it either, for as soon as news graced the elders’ ears, it’s all the estate spoke of. From enthusiasm to welcome the next generation of Zen’in sorcerers, to the ever-growing hope of recovering their prized cursed technique, which has been absent for hundreds of years…

Expectations for this child were at an all-time high.

But to you and Naoya, all you could care about was the blessing this baby represented.

A family.

The pinnacle of all their yearnings, the fruits of their never-ending efforts finally appearing on the positive pregnancy test you took one morning after feeling particularly nauseous…

And Toji’s, perhaps.

Toji initially didn’t think much of the “shocking” announcement. Not even after his behavior that night—they were just heat of the moment things, nothing that he meant nor really cared about, simply said to get a rise out of Naoya; and oh, was his reaction satisfying.

In other words, he really, genuinely, couldn’t care less about what the wimpy heir and his ditzy wife were to face from that point forward.

But when their behavior towards him, the engaging conversations, invitations to drink tea, amongst other activities, drastically cease, to the point of turning on their heel and going the opposite way when facing him…

It didn’t take long for the pieces to fall into place, and when the puzzle was complete, Toji could only laugh.

It’s like an open secret, albeit solely for those involved.

The baby inside you wasn’t Naoya’s.

It was Toji’s.

And this filled him with morbid fascination no other high had been able to provide.

To know that the baby everyone was praising as the future of the Zen’in, a promising sorcerer, as expected of the heir, was the ultimate irony, the exact anti-thesis of all they once declared of Toji.

He was very tempted to let everyone know.

Proudly announce the truth to the world, screaming to the top of his lungs that that baby isn’t Naoya’s, it’s mine.

The scandal this revelation would bring was nothing short of earth-shattering, and more likely than not, the elders wouldn’t even know where to start from. Although your infidelity could be a good reference.

Followed by the fact that no matter how much they try to get rid of him, he’ll always find a way to haunt them—like a ghost shackled to the estate walls, Toji would always remain in the back of their minds, unsettling them whenever they did as much as breathe.

Although for this to work, he’d have to wait until the child was born, officiated as son of Naoya, before he could do any damage.

To see the kind of face the Zen’in would have upon finding out the truth… is one that makes his prolonged stay all but worthwhile.

As well as to know your reaction for the whole ordeal—if you’ve even been able to sleep knowing well that your life was on the line by carrying such a frightening secret in your womb.

Considering the way you frequently sought him out during those lonely nights where your husband would be away for long periods of time, this probably didn’t perturb you as much. After all, what did you expect after receiving his seed as constantly as you did? That nothing would happen? No consequences to be suffered?

You were many things, but he never thought you as delusional.

Or perhaps, you were hoping for this. To have his child. He’d come to believe so after the tight way your cunt squeezed him.

Well, that would only make him the delusional one.

Either way, he suspects that while your secret might’ve prickled the back of your mind from time to time, it didn’t bother you as much as he hoped—not with the way your staff coddled your every move, how the clan would gift you items to celebrate the future head of the clan, per tradition, or how happy you appeared to be with your growing bump, gently caressing it and beaming oh how much you longed to hold the baby in your arms.

It irked him.

To see that even through this deceit, you were still happy.

It was undeserving. Wrong.

Certainly, for a man who has been sentenced to nothing but pain and disgrace since the moment he was born, it’d be impossible for him to grasp the innocence of others.

To understand some were simply with better luck, free to live as they desired, and without having to pay for the consequences of others.

Toji, now more than ever, felt that he was being used. Plucked from his misery, toyed with, and discarded once dried out.

And because of that, his motivation to ruin your and Naoya’s happiness was present as ever in his mind, heading your way to remind you of the power he had, just how easy it would be for him to plant the seed of doubt amongst the staff, let it flourish up to the elders, and ruin your and Naoya’s life.

Until your anguished face stops him.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

https://www.tumblr.com/burst-of-iridescent/740787422094376960/i-love-how-aangs-fans-want-so-badly-to-defend-and

Your thoughts?

Let's go through it by parts

"Aang is a monk, he shouldn't date/get married/have kids"

Aang is the LAST airbender. The LAST air-nomad. Even if he had made some vow of celibacy/not having kids/not getting married (which was never confirmed or even hinted at by the show), he made it under the assumption that this would affect solely his life, not result in the death of his entire culture once he passed away.

Much like he was given a pass to kill Ozai, he would also be given a pass to break his celibacy vow - which the show never says he made in the first place.

"The Air-nomads are not one to one with Tibetan monks, it makes no sense to get hung up on the pacism"

They are not one-to-one, much the other nations. But the Water Tribes are still indigenous people living in the poles, the Earth Kingdom is known for a great wall and there's a "made in Earth Kingdom joke", the Fire Nation has sun imagery everywhere, and air nomads are even meant to visually resemble tibetan monks.

More importantly, the show made sure to highlight that, to the nomads, pacifism IS a big part of their culture and belief system, and that Aang feels very conflicted over wanting to save the world but not liking the way he's expected to just disregard everything he was taught his whole life.

Comparing "Aang is a (tibetan) monk, therefore he is a pacifist so killing would be against his beliefs" to "Aang is a (tibetan) monk, therefore he shouldn't be dating" is absurd because, yes, Avatar did choose what parts of tibetan culture would be carried over to the story, and only ONE of these made the cut.

When people complay about "People are disgarding the fact that Aang was raised to be a pacifist when they expect him to just be cool with killing Ozai" they are not saying that because "Well, a tibetan monk wouldn't do that", they are saying it because CANONICALLY, Aang's air-nomad culture would be against it.

"Being critical of the air-nomad culture is not the same as disrespecting Tibet's culture"

This one is only truth depending on the circumstance.

Obviously being critical of something the air-nomads do, but the tibetan monks don't, is not racist against real people, nor is it racist in the first place if the criticism isn't fully based on "That's not how MY culture does things, therefore it's bad."

Being critical of something both air-nomads and real life tibetan monks do is automatically being critical of both, though obviously there's a difference between "I don't agree with this belief" and "I hate this entire group of people" (for exemple, saying "I hate the Fire Nation's imperialism because of all the suffering it caused, which was clearly inspired by Japan's imperialistic past that was also attrocious" is very different from saying "I hate japanese people").

Being "critical" of something both air-nomads and real life tibetan monks do because you're going out of your way to misrespresent their beliefs, and you talk about the air-nomads the way people who are prejudiced against Tibetan culture talk about them (which a lot of people in this fandom do without even realizing) IS very fucking racist against a real life group of people.

Again, to make the distinction clear, there's a difference between "I dislike this character who happens to be black" or even "I dislike this black character because the writers were racist, intentionally or accidentally, and thus made him an objectively poorly written character that I don't like seeing on screen" and "I hate this character because he is (insert racist belief against black people here)."

So yeah, A LOT of the hate towards Aang, especifically regarding his pacifism, comes from people being genuinely racist, and pointing that out is not absurd just because "Well, he technically isn't a Tibetan monk. He just looks like one, has plenty of the beliefs and traditions of one, the narrative largely treats him as one, and the audience is clearly excected to see him as such."

[wewillbeseen-butnotbeheard]

alright i’m making this post a little earlier than i wanted to because i have identified an actual harmful issue and [I] want you to listen for a second because this hurts people

^first, i don’t know anything about the person in the image apart from the context of the screenshot.

*this isn’t even a hate post. please read

This is harmful. That is not how it works. I know it may just look that way because you’re one of them yourself, and you’re biased, but that’s not how anything works.

WANTING is VERY separate from BEING, and it took (A LOT) of effort to unlearn that after all the shit that gets thrown around here. dear god.

you CAN NOT go acting like anybody can be just like you, or that it’s a common thing, or anything like that. “i think a lot of individuals could gain a lot from learning about this actually!” some. not nearly as many as you think though

why? i think you know this. “alterhumanity” and everything that comes with it is almost purely about self-perception.

i’ve spent a decent while around here, unfortunately. and i have a lot of feelings over wanting to be an animal. it’s a very important part of myself. people like me SUFFER off of these kind of posts/etc!!

i’m not comfortable with being a human. not at all. and i was repeatedly straight fucking lied to and told “anyone can be what they want” or “it’s your choice at the end of the day, identify yourself how you’d like” and after a while it gets to you. i began to think “wow, i might actually be able to get something out of this” because if i COULD, i WOULD and i think A LOT of people feel the same, surely!!

ONLY after extensively actually looking at “alterhuman” term description did i realise that i was getting fed total fucking bullshit.

i got people to refer to me as fox (it makes me feel good about myself. it gives me a warm feeling. i like it) but when i was doing that, i clearly had no fucking idea on what this was all about (i was close, but very wrong) BECAUSE I WAS LIED TO. what on earth is the point in leading people on with something like this? do you have shit for brains? it’s vile

“do what you’d like!” is such disgusting fucking information. that’s cruel.

so i’m meant to suck it all the fuck up because i don’t have the internal imagery and self-perception of an animal. nice. for a moment i had some sort of “false sense of hope” over being at least a little comfortable with who i was.

i’d say something like “one day this could genuinely harm someone” but that’s ME! it’s genuinely harmed me. i’m HURT. and it’s not my fault. it’s some of yours.

[tea-and-secrets]

I always scroll past those posts that are like. a 10k joke post about how badly the OP wants to die and hates everything followed by a 2 years later reblog saying "since posting this, I've graduated college and gotten a job that I love, I have a beautiful girlfriend I'm thinking about proposing to, we live together in a lovely little apartment with our funny cat Bingus who eats all our cheese, and most importantly I am truly happy with life. Everyone reading this, I promise it gets better". Not out of disdain for OP's improvement or happiness, but because they just make me despair. I've been through all the shit they talk about, and frankly, I'm no better off years later. I've put in the work, I take the right meds every day, I go to a therapist weekly, I go to occupational therapy every couple of weeks, but every time things seem to be getting better, something happens that makes them get worse. It's a cycle so bad that I used to have a delusion that I was literally, genuinely put on this earth to suffer, that that was the reason I existed, and I would have panic attacks when things were going well because I thought it meant that I was going to die or the world was going to end because all of that suffering had lost its outlet (me). Things get better, yeah, but not for me, and seeing other people recover just makes me feel like shit.

<3

[areeis]

I've seen some argue that Spectre was obviously not as important to Ryoken as Yusaku or Takeru were, and yes, if you take into consideration what it is Ryoken's concerned about with each of them, and whose perspective we mainly follow, you'll definitely get that feeling. I just think you keep forgetting where Yusaku and Takeru were in their lives when they encountered Ryo/Revo for the first time. Both were still very much suffering from the LI, which Ryo felt responsible and guilty for. It's therefore obvious Ryo would care about them and would try, in his own way, to somehow right his wrongs. At the same time he's also a nerd who's bad at communicating, so he can honestly be glad he can duel to bring his points across. Spectre meanwhile was very much fine with how things went during the LI and he's happy with where and who he was throughout the entire series, so why would Ryo pay special attention to him in that regard? Their talks were mostly mission-focused, because why would their short scenes have contained that much else? Ryo also titled him 部下(subordinate/aide), which has the meaning of 'chosen as their leader's hands and feet', which Spectre very much was and will continue to be. I would argue that after 10 years and with all that's going on in year 1 Spectre was an anchor to Ryoken, which is why he went straight for Spe's temporary open casket for his recap episode (38) before heading out to duel himself. This was at a time where Revo was very much preparing for the possibility of his peeps dying, which is why they were held there for protection in the first place, as was shown later. There was no need for him to worry about their safety, just like his own life. This was also before Hanoi researched the other Origins, so until then Spectre, being this content as the only other LI victim known to Ryo, should've also been a boost for him, especially considering that PM could've gotten swallowed up by the ToH, which is what that final duel's conflict was about from Ryo's pov.

In year 2 Spe's very much fine with teaming up against Lightning, even if he still made a point about going against SB/Flame, if need be. Their common goal made him reconsider and he seemed genuinely unbothered, putting Hanoi's goals above any personal issues he might've had with PM/Ai and BM. As such his goals aligned with Ryo's, too. Spe's defeat against Lightning obviously shocked all of Hanoi, with Revo's reaction being very telling, being the only one to call out. Spe's early death alongside SB's/Flame's and BM's/Aqua's also meant PM/Ai were the only allies Revo could put his hopes in. If it had been SB and Flame or BM and Aqua, I would very much argue he'd acted similarly, given the stakes. It was an all-out war against a threat to humanity, after all. Also in year 2, when Earth got vivisected and subsequently transplanted, I would argue the events definitely affected Spectre, but not to the point where they could've had him talk to Ryoken for anything meaningful. If they did talk it might've been something like this: 'I had an emotional surge of feelings that weren't my own.' 'The ties between Origin and Ignis are undeniable. If you feel like it's beyond your control, sit this war out and talk to the doctors if you're experiencing any discomfort.' 'No, I think I can still handle it, Sir.' 'I see. Thank you.' Spectre is honest and loyal above all else. If he had said anything more, it might've led viewers to believe Spectre was going to jump ship. Keeping Spe's character simple and aligned with Hanoi just goes to show there was never any intention of exploring that aspect of his character. It's also clear that Hanoi don't have a problem with ignis talk in general, like when Spectre mentioned his ignis in ep. 59 during Hanoi's regrouping. I think Spectre's just not interested in putting meaning to the sudden emotions he's experiencing, and by the time he faced Lightning he'd already come up with what to talk about to close that chapter very much on his own, so he's capable of thinking bothersome things through on his own, too. This would also mean keeping these kinds of unnecessary topics away from Ryoken during a time he was planning for war. Time and place, you know? Both also seem equally happy to be restored after PM's win against Boh.

Year 3 didn't leave much room for much that's not centred on Yusaku and Ai, but Ryoken still managed to close a chapter in his life, just like Takeru did. This time there's nothing Spectre could've added: his character was explained in year 1, stuff with Earth got resolved in year 2. At that point he had no (speed duel) cards to sell (unlike Go and Aoi), so no on-screen duel for him, either. Revo and Spe both overlooking LV at the end feels very peaceful to me, both having an interest in knowing if PM will return, too. It's obvious Spe would ask and Ryo would respond, as it's their go-to dialogue in other scenes, too. Also Revo's just been alive for longer every given time to be able to judge PM and his actions better, imo.

tl;dr: Spectre is a constant Ryoken can rely on without question. Spectre does all he can for Ryoken, and Ryoken doesn't force him into anything. As such, even if their relationship seems surface-level, it's a relationship based on deep trust and experience with each other. There are no deep discussions and conflicts, because there simply are no conflicts.

[darkship-selfship-confessions]

I was trying to be genuine FUCK I forgot to delete the first part

But also where on earth did I genuinely Say you didn't have npd? My point is it's all "implication", I'm sorry it sounded like that was what I meant, but it wasn't.

I mentioned the autism Because it's all implication, and a frequent issue with being autistic and trying to express myself is people trying to read into words that mean nothing more than what they are at face value, part of being autistic is trying desperately to express something and only having one singular fuck up be heard in the entire page of words.

I'm genuinely sorry about what I did, but you also legitimately called me delusional as an insult, and I DO have a delusional disorder.

You've been actively ableist to me over something I didn't even MEAN to """imply""" and have stated over and over that was not my intention, I don't know why I wrote "actually" I feel I've been writing "actually" before stuff as an attempt to enhance what im saying but forgetting what it could sound like.

Im not fighting anymore I literally just want you to realize; I accidentally said something that sounded like I didn't think you legitimately had NPD, and I'm sorry, and I'm sorry I was a massive dick, but Ive decided I won't shut up if you won't realize you were actively legitimately ableist to me about multiple of my disorders in response to a two-word phrase I said without true intention behind it.

That's the definition of delusional, by the way. i also suffer from delusions, but there is a definition of delusional outside of the context of mental health. that's important to know. also, you said you were going to block me. don't worry, I'll take it upon myself to do that for you! if you come back, that's block evading :) do us a favor and leave this blog alone please. not everyone wants to see this AGAIN after you admitted to lying. let this go and move on with your life. block and move on is what proshippers are about, and yet, you seem to not know how to do that. think twice about calling yourself a proshipper after all of this nonsense. this is harassment.

[togglesbloggle]

Free Will is a Value Statement

When I was a kid, we had a dog.  It didn’t go well.

This particular dog- one of several in my childhood, and the only time it went awry- loved us very much, and we loved him too.  But when it came to strangers, he was very aggressive, and very dangerous, and not fully under our control.  We’d have to lock him up when there were visitors to the house, and even then it was less ‘barking’ and more ‘baying of hounds’, and unlike some animals he didn’t suddenly turn nice when he was in the same room with them.  And he was large, much too large for this to be safe.  Things came to a head when my mom was taking him for a walk and he started threatening a small kid playing in their own yard, and she came back terrified that if he ever got out, somebody would be badly hurt.

I remember quite clearly the conversation where my parents told me we couldn’t keep him.  They’d made the unfortunate choice to feed me cookies at the same time, to make the bad news go down easier; the net result is that there’s a specific brand of cookies that, to this day, I still can’t eat.  They just turn to ashes in my mouth.

(The good news is that, against all odds, it seems the ‘farm upstate’ that they sent him to was actually real.  They literally saved the receipts, so that when I got old enough to realize what that kind of story usually meant, they could give me proof that they hadn’t lied.  He did live what I believe to be a happy life in what was, more or less, a wild animal sanctuary.  Not all dangerous animals are so lucky, but sometimes, they are.)

The reason to dredge this up is to notice how unthinkable it was for any of us to call him ‘evil.’  Even when he was straining at the leash as hard as he could snarling and growling at a three year old, he wasn’t evil.  ‘Dangerous’, yes.  ‘Violent’, certainly.  But not that, not ever.

And that’s how it works, right?  We recoil at using the E-word for pets, young children, anyone that’s enough weaker than we are.  Evil-as-an-adjective is for peers and superiors, things which present a genuine threat to us.  You can watch this change for the natural world in real time- us moderns watch nature documentaries about predators avidly, and not as horror films, but our received culture still has ancient fairy tales about the ‘big bad wolf’ that date from before our conquest of Earth’s ecosystems.  What a difference a little power makes!  What was once a real and imminent fear, and a central figure in the atlas of evil, has withered away to a narrative archetype with no material referent, while the wolves themselves become objects of admiration and wonder, or a focus of conservation efforts, in direct proportion to our own sense of security against them.

And maybe you’re not the sort of person who thinks about evil much at all, which is honestly a pretty good strategy most of the time.  It can often obstruct thinking more often than it clarifies.  But even if you don’t, I’ll bet you still think about ‘justice’ a fair bit- and that follows the same rules, for about the same reasons.  The punitive and remunerative kinds of justice, anyway.  Was it some kind of punishment, to have that part of my family broken away when I was a child?  Was my dog’s loss and confusion something he deserved?  Of course not.  It was just- disharmony, I suppose.  We couldn’t find a way to put the world right, and so we suffered instead.

And yet when we reach a certain level of direct personal injury or threat of injury, especially by human causes- political enemies, alien people, angry mobs- then, almost without fail, we find ourselves reaching for this idea of justice.  (And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?) Show me, anywhere in the world, where a person has in all sincerity called for justice- and I’ll show you someone who feels weak.

Now, I can point at sentences like ‘my dog was not evil,’ and it should be pretty clear that I’m making a value statement, rather than expressing mundane factual belief in the same mold as ‘grass is green.’  That is, I’m not disputing any mechanism of action, or trying to explain why events occurred as they did.  I’m not giving you information you could use to prevent this from happening to you too, much as I hope you can.  I’m telling you how I feel, about what I want, about who I am.  I’m telling you about my grief.

Loosely speaking, you can imagine beliefs falling along a spectrum.  Don’t take this typology too seriously, it’s just a useful distinction to make for present purposes.  The first extreme of our spectrum is just the observational set of beliefs- the ‘sky is blue, grass is green’ category.  These are especially good for making plans that work, since they model a system that we usually want to work with in some capacity.  If you don’t want to fall off a cliff, it helps to have a good map. The second type is imperatives or value statements, beliefs about how to direct our efforts.  ‘Murder is bad’ is a belief like any other, but instead of telling us how to accomplish a goal, it tells us what goals we ought to have and what ends we should work towards.  (Moral realists will think of this second category as being a subset of the first; that’s perfectly reasonable but orthogonal to my point.).  Both types of belief are absolutely necessary for acting in the world: the means and the end, if you like.  

Here’s where I reveal my thesis:  When, honestly, was the last time you used the concept of free will to make a plan?

“People have free will” sure feels like a factual belief, from the inside.  It’s a description of who we are, right?  Like saying we usually have two legs, like saying the Earth goes around the Sun?  Only… it isn’t doing any of the things I do with factual beliefs.  It doesn’t make predictions, it doesn’t expand my capacity to act on the world.  If anything, ‘free will’ as a concept has a weird twisty negative definition (often something like ‘nonrandom indeterminacy’) that resists analysis of the reductive kind we usually use for this sort of thing.  

And if we look at how it’s positioned in the grand constellations of human thought, it’s awkwardly conjoined with a lot of the other things I’ve been talking about here.  Good, evil, justice.  I use my belief in free will a lot when I’m talking about culpability or praiseworthiness, when I’m deciding what to act towards, when to cheer and when to boo.  

I use it when I’m feeling weak.

Or, less personally, think about where ‘free will’ crops up in our court system.  And it does, in more than a few guises.  For example, altered states that compromise our volition are taken into account, and might even qualify as fully mitigating circumstances that tell the court not to punish the transgression.  (“I was not negligent on that construction site, your honor, I’m a diabetic and I was having a blood sugar crash.”)  In other cases, such as in murder charges, malice aforethought or planning the crime carefully might upgrade the sentence to be more harsh, whereas a crime ‘of passion’ might net fewer years in prison. (First-degree versus second-degree murder.)  What all of these have in common, notably, is in assessments of culpability, relevant to the question of how strongly the community wants to punish or condemn the situation.  But when it comes to the presentation of evidence, the chain of material observations that we use to establish confidence in the story of ‘what happened’, we invoke ‘motive’ instead- that is, we ask what benefits, inducements, insults, or other circumstances might have led the defendant to commit the act.  “Your honor, the accused is ordained with free will and is capable of choice,” is, notably, not considered sufficient to establish motive- but “your honor, the defendant was listed in the victim’s will as a primary recipient, and they were seen to have a large argument two days before the murder,” very much is.  Interesting discrepancy, no?  When we ask whether we should condemn others or show mercy, we care deeply about the defendant’s capacity to exercise free choice.  But when we ask material questions about what happened, trying to get a clear picture of the world as it is, we instead ask where the defendant is positioned in a causal web of material and social circumstances.

It’s hard, really hard, to reliably tell when our beliefs are about facts, describing things other than ourselves, and when they’re doing something else, paying rent in other ways.  But I notice, when I was a little kid crying in the car, I never once asked whether any of this was my dog’s fault.  It’s not that I didn’t know whether he had free will or not; it’s that it didn’t occur to me to ask.  I asked if it was my fault, certainly.  I’m sure my parents did too.  But we never asked if it was his, whether he’d decided to be this way.  That’s just not what ‘free will’ as a concept was for.

So, am I saying there’s “no such thing as free will” in the sense that I’m saying humans are fully deterministic and mechanistic?  Nah, not really.  To reiterate: I’m not saying that I have any confidence whatsoever that humans are deterministic, mechanical agents.  I think there’s plenty of room for consciousness to complicate the story of causality in ways I can’t anticipate; there’s every chance that human brains aren’t just billiard balls bouncing around in a universe running on linear algebra or whatever.  But I don’t think that ‘free will’ as currently discussed is in any sense an alternative to that model, either.  What I’m trying to say is that ‘free will’ isn’t really a claim about what the world is like at all.

The opposite of a belief in free will isn’t ‘I assert humans are chemical robots governed by deterministic electrochemical reactions’.  Instead, the opposite is ‘I am not angry at you for hurting me.’  Free will is a value statement.

Remember that ‘rate my dog’ parody account, and the central joke was that all the dogs got scores of like 12/10 or whatever?  And the punchline to it all, when somebody tried to call them out on the uselessness of a rating system that always stayed maxed out: “They’re good dogs, Brent.”  If I were at a high enough perch- strong enough, wise enough, safe enough- then that same optimism, I think, is the only part of my need for justice that would survive.  True power doesn’t rank humans from best to worst, or spend time blaming us for outcomes that cause suffering to ourselves or to others.  It doesn’t need to.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Wonder Twins - Wonder Comics Volume

The worst of the Wonder Twins

As I flipped through the pages of the Wonder Comics yet again, I could but feel depressed, confused, and, of course, deeply pissed off. What sort of audience was meant to be turning these pages, and what exactly would they feel about the teenage wonder duo, who were shitting not just on their own legacy, but everyone else's as well?

To put it simply, In this new volume of the Wonder Twins, Jayna and Zan are space aliens who moved to Earth from their home planet and serve a upcoming superheroes with a lot to learn about Earth. Except there's a problem. The wonder twins used to live on a utopia world without crime and spontaneous orgies, and Earth is a political hellscape of suffering and drama. Feeling out of place and deeply horrified by the nature of Earthlings, Zan and Jayna try to deal the difficulties of justice and society.

But that description paints a bit of glamourous view on the series as a whole. In reality, Jayna and Zan are the descendents of their world's version of space Hitler, so they quickly leave their home world out of shame and migrate to Earth. After awkwardly jamming themselves into a highschool setting and becoming junior Justice Leaguers, they constantly complain about how inconvenient everything and how Superheroes, specifically the meta of Superheroes, is crass and stupid joke. The series continues spotlighting human nature, societial issues, and strawman arguements until the Wonder Twins have had enough. The volume ends with the Twins yelling at the Justice League for not understanding moral ambiguity before they're kidnapped by a racist TV star who wants her cell phone back.

Normally, I don't have a lot to say about comic books, even bad ones. But goddamn, this entire volume is horrible; both in concept and in execution.

This series is a lot like the TV show Velma, and you all fucking know that is not a compliment. Its depicted as bright, colorful, and comedic but constantly tries to drag you into the dark and serious. It tackles ideas and social issues, but it doesn't actual know them except on a surface level. I think what's even worse is that the 'solution' to these problems is to just... fix it. Doesn't matter how, or why, or who it effects. Just fix any problem infront of you, simple. World hunger? Just fix it. Cat in a tree? Just fix it? Dad trapped in the Phantom Zone? Just fix it. Thank you Wonder Twins, I had no idea that all of life's problems were just one panel transition away from being fixed. I must've forgotten that I had all the resources, methods, and charisma to deal with everything. I guess the problem was me all along.

I guess what pisses me off about the series is how they Wonder Twins are such shitty superheroes (In this volume at least). Upon first going in, I thought I would be frustrated by how their powers work in each issue. But no! The Wonder Twins themselves are quite possibly some of the worst Superheroes I've ever seen in action.

Sadly, Zan is not being sarcastic. They actually are trapped in plastic bags after an unprompted home invasion. The Wonder Twins spend most of volume fighting powerless human beings who may or may not be wearing stupid costumes. I'm not refereing to armed thugs either, but usually groups of three or less people. This is not counting when they get to scare off the angry mob crowd, which is recurring villain in this series. 'Society is the real villain', said the teenage white girl.

Aside from these performance issues, I'm also refering to Zan and Jayne's character. They... suck. A lot. I actually used to like Zan, but now I think he's just an ignorant moron. Which is what the series was going for; a lovable moron, but the story never hesitates to water him down or belittle his existence and relevance. I genuinely feel bad that he can't play a bigger role or have important things to think about and share his perspective, which sounds very strange for someone who is a main character. As for Jayne, she is the worst. Like, insurmountably the worst. A humanoid being I wouldn't tolerate being around for ten minutes. I think Lisa Simpson was at least likable and had solutions for life's problems. Jayna is just a miserable sad sack looking for more reasons to give up. I can literally count the initiative and planning she shows on one hand because most of the time she's complaining about how the planet Earth is too complicated and broken. Yeah, she's a teenager and everyone eventually becomes disillusioned by life on Earth, but holy shit stop ranting for one second and do something already. Stop complaining about walls and start climbing. Stop acting hopeless and go find some. Batman sometimes exhausts me with dark poetry, but listening to a teenager complain about the mere existence of crime and corruption, without dissecting why that happens in the first place makes for an abysmal experience.

Sigh.

I guess that takes me to the heart of my argument, and my personal gripe with the volume.

Did I mention I hate Jayna?

For context, "a Soap Box is a raised platform on which one stands to make an impromptu speech, often about a political subject. ... The term is also used metaphorically to describe a person engaging in often flamboyant, impromptu, or unofficial public speaking." -- Wikipedia.

When I say The Wonder Twins is a soap box, I'm not referring solely to the political overtones of the series, but I'm referring to how the story portrays these themes and the beliefs of the person writing it. When I read this series, I didn't walk out more self-aware of my actions and the government's failures to make a better world (this comic came out in 2020, by the way). I came out feeling embarrassed to have read such a painful virtue signal for anyone who donates money every day to a tip jar. This series is a painful mishmash of anarchism arguments, radical vanilla ideas, and lazy school intern adventures. And in the midst of all that I'm supposed to adopt an intentionally vague message to rebel against authority because a comic book series, the medium best known for maintaining the status quo, is appealing to my inner narcissist? I mean, it's either that or the author is so obsessed with telling people to fight American status quo, that they forgot that they were writing a comic book, where the point is they need not change the world, but inspire the world to change. Because it's a fucking book.

Look, everyone has an off day. We lose focus of what we're fighting for and begin to lose faith in our beliefs. I already mentioned the disillusionment thing. I'm not going to speak for everyone, because sometimes it can be a good thing to lose faith. It gives us an opportunity to change, to see if something is working for us. What's important is that we don't lose hope and give up completely; that we don't flip tables in hopes that the mere idea of starting over will make us feel better. I think Superheroes used to help with that, because even someone like Batman could overturn a hopeless situation. And, with good writing, a story like that can be... inspiring. Superheroes could be inspiring.

The Wonder Twins don't make me feel that way. I feel like they were supposed to be, but here they don't. The Wonder Twins series feels like a reminder that in superhero land the world gets slightly farther from the real-world status quo every day, becoming better and reaching nonexistent solutions, before the editorial office slingshots the whole DC meta backward and suddenly 9/11 was inevitable. The Wonder Twins themselves feel especially hopeless, demanding rewards for kindness and being privileged to the point of genuine confusion. I don't see them as heroes, they're just doing their job. They hate their job and everyone involved with it, but hey, they wanted the job. As if to further my point, the series literally ends with them working in a facility where they get to make their own rules to bend while working as Superheroes.

Maybe I missed something or maybe one guy's personal change of heart is supposed to convince me that Zan and Jayne make a difference in anybody's life. Maybe this was supposed to be the story of how the Wonder Twins realized there are no rules when it comes to giving someone the help they need, just consequences. Well, all I can think of is what it was supposed to be. It's a wonder how it turned out this way instead.

Also, the art direction sucks. Every fight or conflict is less than a page long. This is what I meant when I said they forgot that they were writing a comic book.

[fadeintocase]

i know your music is really personal and there's stories behind songs that you give when asked, and a lot of them seem really heavy. have you ever seen other interpretations that actually made you upset or disappointed that you weren't being understood?

There's always a little bit of ambiguity in meaning and subsequent leeway in interpretation with any creative thing you do. I am generally cool with whatever people wanna pull from things, and get impressed when people connect the same dots i was when i'm writing something.

However two stories come to mind, one funny and one emblematically frustrating.

The funny one

way back when Smoke Damage blew up from some nightcore stuff, i got an influx of attention. I got an email sent, i can't remember through where, asking about the meaning of the line "looking at the present's fucking sad" in that song. They wanted to know, genuinely, if i meant "present" as in current, or "presents" as in gifts, like christmas presents. I guessed this person was very young. And explained plainly but lightly, "The song is about not being happy with the current situation you're in." To which i got an email back, "Ah, so it's about presents? is it like a christmas song?" To which i. had no idea how to respond to.

The frustrating one

There's an OC of mine i thought up when i was a dark and edgy teenager. I wrote several posts about them on here, their connection to my mythos broadly, the things that inspired them, i joked about how it was ultimately a bullshit dark and edgy character. God of pain and suffering, physical form covered in scars, bleeds black, destined to become the soul at the heart of every star and feel the eternal suffering of burning for eternity, to pull other damned souls into the stars for them to also suffer, and feel the weight of every black hole as a pit in their stomach. Evolved after several lifetimes of samsara until they become the most archetypical form of theirself. A friend of mine once told me they thought about what a higher god viewing a person on earth would have to look like, and it would involve a lot of spinning. having to sync up with so much spinning just to peer into the lives of this planet.

I ended up writing a song about this character, The Astrocartographer, about this god of suffering watching all the people destined to suffer for their destiny. (They are also introduced in chapter 3 of PAN, my story about dragon aliens from another universe and a bug robot that talks to them.) At some point recently, someone on here posted a comic of lyrics from the Astrocartographer, not crediting me by my artist name, and in the description just kind of, making up what they thought it was about.

And that did offend me a little bit. That something that was a deep expression of some shit i came up with when struggling with my childhood, that eventually evolved into part of my sprawling fictional universe that i'm proud of. Like i put the effort in this a character who's spoken through stories and ARGs and music of mine, the subject of my most recent album, got glossed over because they were more comfortable with the thought that it was written about a ship they like, because a few keywords lined up for their interpretation. I don't mind interpretations, but i do get frustrated when people make a point to drown out my stated intention, ignore it, and claim my intention was their interpretation. Especially when it represents my own work i have been trying to get out there. long answer, but thanks for the question!