the-things-ive-seen

[the-things-ive-seen]

The Door Within Trilogy

My first encounter with Bible Fanfic

If the subtitle didn't give it away, Wayne T Baston wrote a fictional book series about a kid getting isekai'd to a magical medieval world with knights and magic. Except all of his books are a bit heavy-handed with religious symbolism and catholic insertion. Imagine my surprise halfway into reading the first book when I heard how the hero's primary goal when he got home was to spread the story of his adventures in fantasy land and to express the importance of the magical king of the ethereal and the evil, cunning prince of darkness. I had to smack my face several times with my palm when I realized they weren't talking about a literal prince or king.

If you're an expert on 'bible fanatics preaching through fiction' then you can guess how the story ends. Here's a hint. All the important people die but are resurrected and take everyone into 'the kingdom of light', except the bad people who sided with the prince who, and I'm not paraphrasing, burn with him in suffering forever.

It's genuinely hilarious and it never stops.

All this is to say that I loved reading the series. Blatantly religious to the point of ludicrous, true without a doubt. But hamfisted it is not. It's a really enjoyable adventure featuring the Aidan, charming 13 year protagonist, his friends Antionette and Robby, and his brothers in arms, Nock, Mallick, and the rest. They fight against an evil entity that actually is undermining them in every way it can.

I liked the doppelganger aspect of the story like how Aiden has an Aelic and Antionette has a Gwenne. Well, I did until the sequels. Stuff like universal doppelgangers always ends up being a shaky worldbuilding device, and it just became this way to separate the believers from the nonbelievers. It's not a Christian story unless you're separating random people into groups and pitting them against each other. For what it's worth, it was a pretty neat idea, making Aelic be a reflection of what Aidan could become with effort and work. But in later series, the bad guys can disguise themselves to look like good guys... and there's a lot to dissect here about people pretending to be religious good guys just to get closer to you.

As for this being my first Christian fanfic experience, I realize that this is both an exaggeration and not even true. For starters, I'm pretty sure every veggie tale episode I've seen counts as bible fanfic, I've been watching movies, reading comics, and even writing stuff like that for years now. So heads up if you're making a series about angels in demons; You are in the broader fanfiction territory now, and you can't say otherwise. I find The Door Within to be a particular stand out because... it's actually well-made?

Most series 'taking inspiration' from the bible expect you to know how it all works. Heaven and angels are ultimately good, Demons, hell, burning, and suffering are ultimately bad. Parodies are made where the positions are reversed, demons good, angels bad. Noah built a boat because a voice in his head told him to. Moses is not a wizard, he just behaves like one. Etcetera, Etc.

I feel like The Door Within took an extra step in trying to make sense of all that and put it all into the story based off of catholicism but not dependent on you knowing catholicism. And it's an actual story with action and cool characters with cool scenes. So despite everything, despite actively holding back tears while reading the book's finale, I find the series genuinely interesting and I would even recommend reading it.

Who cares about all that though? This is the same guy who made a book about Pirates going on a treasure hunt for the nails of Jesus christ. I definitely recommend that one.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Agents of the Glass #1 A New Recruit

Weird Old YA novel

This series was a fun read I had back in my teenage years. I was older then the demographic the series was intended, but I still enjoyed the series and thought it was fun. I was disappointed when no sequel was available and I pretty much forgot about it until now.

For context, the story is about a very nice and kind boy, who is not selfish in any way, being recruited by an organization that tracks people with good moral compasses and bad moral compasses, so he can save his friend and school, who bad moral compass people are brainwashing into being very selfish and self-centered and a little emo, from literal brainwashing.

I'm... trying not to skimp out on details. Andover (Andy) has a puppy that helps him on the mystery adventure. The glass he uses to find good and bad people is magical or something. He saves the school by breaking a disco ball. It's all very stupid in a genuinely enjoyable and fun way.

The reason I find myself talking about it is because the series reminds me about how much I've changed. The entire premise is that good people make good decisions and that you should do kind things without expectations or rewards. That everything would be better if everyone had a 'good' moral compass.

Man, that used to be an ideal way to see everything.

This is my current view of the world. Everyone is selfish, and not because they want to be, but because humanity is inherently selfish. It is objectively impossible to do something or want something without expectation or reward. Kindness is reward. Altruism is rewarding. Patience is rewarding. Being nice is literally done with the hope of getting others to be nice or more.

I can handle that worldview because, by embracing the fact that I'm already selfish, I can choose what I want and what I don't want. I don't want to hurt others because it makes me feel bad and I don't want them to feel bad because that would also make me feel bad. Stuff like that.

I used to like Agents of the Glass because it tried to tackle philosophy in a kid's book, and I really appreciate that. Now I just see the superficial aspects of it, like the big bad group of bad guys making more bad guys and the brainwashing people in a story about moral philosophy.

There's nothing really wrong with the story, but I suddenly don't know about recommending it to people. I remember when I was a kid, and someone told me people are inherently nice and kind. And I spent years wondering if that was impossible for me, because rarely was I ever able to do something so blatantly kind, like returning a bag of untrackable money that fell out of a bank truck. I don't want to recommend this to someone impressionable, someone who thinks they have to hold themselves to this unimaginable standard, only to grow up believing it was impossible to reach.

Well, there hasn't been a sequel or update 9 years now, so I guess I'm the last one talking about it anyways.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Sorry for the Dryspell

I've been severely busy with homework and studying. College doesn't take it easy on you. I have few more movies and books to talk about, so don't worry.

Here's a kitty.

[the-things-ive-seen]

OniAi

Anime Ecchi I found as a kid

30 seconds after realizing that they were being completely serious about the incest harem, I startedfghjklkiuytfrewdoichvsbirw pacfjevdobfihsofovjlxhbdils;akpzocbfxgi siopnd[vnrbhsieoiafpj[eo bvpisuoejpavrhhybvsiphdpnfosvpbhipaposbsraepfver

...Outside of that though, it's just a weird 'hentai de-evolved to anime' ecchi series that's so vanilla you can taste the white privilege. There really is nothing to talk about here.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Scoob Movie

How I feel about Scoob

...

Nope.

[the-things-ive-seen]

The Spongebob Movie; Sponge on the Run

The Worst Spongebob Movie to date.

The Sandy Cheeks Spinoff currently holds the champion trophy for 'worst SpongeBob movie' for a plethora of reasons, but I think I'll refer to this Film when I think of Spongebob movies since he's the Main Character in this one. After all, why would I ignore the turning point for Paramount's Spongebob movies going from respectable to abysmal?

No, I'm not referring to Sponge Out of Water. That film had a decent 2D beginning and comedy to boot. I certainly wouldn't call it a turning point of the franchise's future, but rather an omen. Sponge on the Run is a commitment to this fate, with bad writing, a rush job of a plot, and possibly the worst characterization of Spongebob I've ever seen.

Let's clear up the plot for clarity. Spongebob loves Gary the Snail and Plankton notices that, so he does the same thing he did in the first SB movie and instantaneously transports Gary to Atlantis, where Poseidon can use his snail slime for moisturizer. Plankton gives Spongebob and Patrick a car and sends them off, leaving the secret formula defended by Mr. Krabs... except Krabs feels so bad about Spongebob leaving for two days that he gives the formula away with no resistance. Meanwhile, Spongebob and Patrick encounter a talking tumbleweed, who is a celebrity guest star, that tells them where Gary is. Yes, they already know, it's called a pointless recap, usually meant for children. One entirely pointless dream sequence with dancing and another guest star later, Spongebob and Patrick reach Atlantis in their sleep. They attempt to rescue Gary after gambling and playing games for a while, but their attempt fails because Poseidon is the king of the Ocean and you can't awkwardly take things away from him. Meanwhile, Sandy, Squidward, and Krabs notice Spongebob and Patrick are on trial in Atlantis, so they go there. Plankton technically follows them, but he might as well have disappeared from the movie after this; He plays such a small role outside of entering Patrick's butthole. During the Trial, Spongebob's friends show up and describe how great he was during their childhood, but this is the worst scene in the movie so I'm not going to get into it here. They steal Gary back when Poseidon is distracted and attempt to get away, but this also fails and Spongebob has to confront Poseidon... by telling him he's a loser with no friends. Poseidon breaks down crying and Spongebob says he'll be his friend. The movie sporadically ends with snails dominating the city, but it's cute so it doesn't matter.

You might accuse me of skipping details, but let's face it. That film needed to be trimmed down for its own good. There wasn't enough meat to compensate for the despicable amount of fat. This movie is a terrifying waste of time, and not even as a hate watch. There are too many pointless scenes, half-baked confrontations, and side plots that go nowhere despite being a significant part of the film. This movie is basically an hour TV special if the run time wasn't being bloated like a drowned corpse.

I think Spongebob himself is especially heinous in this movie. I think I can buy Patrick acting this way, especially since it's been a while since he's been depicted as this smart (See the Patrick Star Show for reference). But Spongebob has reached a new level of flanderizing. He's cowardly, moronic, easily distracted, easily provoked. I just don't like him in this movie and I think anyone could agree that he's a bigger letdown in this than he is in any other instance. There's no can-do attitude or fear turned bravery. It's just... constant stumbling into solutions. Even towards the end, Spongebob doesn't fix everything because he believes can find a way. He just tells Poseidon that he sucks and that he's personally better off than him.

Damn. How do I go into the plot? It's such a direct homage to the first SB movie, that comparing both feels like comparing used tissue paper and good soap. I suppose, objectively speaking, Sponge on the Run has a basic circle of events. Gary is kidnapped, Spongebob goes to rescue Gary, there's an obstacle in his way, he reaches Gary but needs to free him, he frees him, and they all go home like it didn't even happen. A perfect circle, no sharp end, no real point. Subjectively speaking, it's a travesty of story writing. A template of a basic plot that someone gave up halfway into writing and finished with, 'and Spongebob used the power of friendship' before handing it to their producer. I think for a road trip film with only one pitstop (that may not have actually happened), a destination that is genuinely a theme park with no other discerning or interesting details, and an finale that doesn't connect to the road trip detail at all (like how Spongebob's friends reached Atlantis in no time at all), I think this is what it looks like when film a has nowhere to go and nothing to say. Every character is literally running out the clock until they reach a specific goal they have in mind. No real growth, visible or otherwise, no meaningful ties, random backstories don't count, and nothing that convinces me that Spongebob even likes Gary enough to do this. Seriously, the movie barely goes over their relationship for any newcomer to care. Gary is just some cat, and you would do anything for a cute cat, right?

The animation was good though. Best Spongebob has ever looked in years. Like butter on toast. I'm not enough of an animation snob to like something solely based on whether the animation is good or not, but it was at least something that drew me toward the movie. I'm not sure how many times I need to establish this for every person obsessed with anime or polished visuals, or maybe live-action CGI, but good art does not make a good movie. If the film is too stupid to be enjoyed or too controversial to be ignored, then it's just bad. I can't just deal with dancing zombie cowboys because Spongebob looks nice in CG.

Speaking of genuinely ridiculous, crappy ideas, remember when I said the writer gave up and handed a half-finished script to the producer? How does this sound- Let's stuff references to our spinoff TV show into the film, not just retconning the old TV show lore, but effectively making the entire film an hour-long advertisement for a kids show that doesn't have a movie budget. I think the scene where Spongebob's friends flashback to some Kamp Koral universe is one of the worst things I had to sit through in my entire life, from a writing perspective anyway, but the fact that the entire movie has been leading up to this specific scene makes it so much worse. The movie doesn't have a cool climatic finale, because the ad for that TV show was the only part that really mattered. Either that or someone was really moved by Spongebob making a fish King cry like an angsty teenager.

What's strange is the advertising of Kamp Koral during the movie isn't... the worst idea in the world. Other films have done it. It's that the execution is really bad. Like, actually lazy. Tell me, what's better? Hinting at distant memories from a time before the series aired throughout Spongebob's adventure, only to reveal that a show displaying those memorable adventures will be coming out soon. Or maybe just dump that spinoff bait in one scene and call it a day, maybe put some of it at the beginning of the movie, and have Squidward say he appreciates Spongebob or something. It's important to understand that when I say no one put enough effort into the movie, I literally mean no one. Not the writers, not the directors, not even the meddling executives. Only the animators serve as the exception, and that's a small comfort for anyone.

Sponge on the Run sucks. I can't really think of a more artful way to put it than that. Between the Hillenburg incident, Kamp Koral and Patrick Star Show spinoffs, and the reception at the box office, the third Spongebob movie was a new low, and as of 2024, it can get worse with the Sandy Cheeks movie. The story lacks substance, the characters are either overall annoying or overall not even there. If the writing and execution were good, maybe this would've been an acceptable 7/10, but seriously? Dancing zombie cowboys? As the singular pit stop obstacle in a road trip movie? Not counting the Atlantis shenanigans and King Poseidon. But hey, you might be saying, the animation's good. Congratulations, you have a point. And you can take that point home with you to keep, while I get to watch some Ghibli films or Sonic 3 in theaters.

Sponge on the Run is a waste of time, and I'm bringing that up now because this might be the last I hear of it until the Fourth Spongebob film rears its ugly head. I'm sorry to anyone who enjoyed it, but for me it's dead in the water.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Wonder Twins - Wonder Comics Volume

The worst of the Wonder Twins

As I flipped through the pages of the Wonder Comics yet again, I could but feel depressed, confused, and, of course, deeply pissed off. What sort of audience was meant to be turning these pages, and what exactly would they feel about the teenage wonder duo, who were shitting not just on their own legacy, but everyone else's as well?

To put it simply, In this new volume of the Wonder Twins, Jayna and Zan are space aliens who moved to Earth from their home planet and serve a upcoming superheroes with a lot to learn about Earth. Except there's a problem. The wonder twins used to live on a utopia world without crime and spontaneous orgies, and Earth is a political hellscape of suffering and drama. Feeling out of place and deeply horrified by the nature of Earthlings, Zan and Jayna try to deal the difficulties of justice and society.

But that description paints a bit of glamourous view on the series as a whole. In reality, Jayna and Zan are the descendents of their world's version of space Hitler, so they quickly leave their home world out of shame and migrate to Earth. After awkwardly jamming themselves into a highschool setting and becoming junior Justice Leaguers, they constantly complain about how inconvenient everything and how Superheroes, specifically the meta of Superheroes, is crass and stupid joke. The series continues spotlighting human nature, societial issues, and strawman arguements until the Wonder Twins have had enough. The volume ends with the Twins yelling at the Justice League for not understanding moral ambiguity before they're kidnapped by a racist TV star who wants her cell phone back.

Normally, I don't have a lot to say about comic books, even bad ones. But goddamn, this entire volume is horrible; both in concept and in execution.

This series is a lot like the TV show Velma, and you all fucking know that is not a compliment. Its depicted as bright, colorful, and comedic but constantly tries to drag you into the dark and serious. It tackles ideas and social issues, but it doesn't actual know them except on a surface level. I think what's even worse is that the 'solution' to these problems is to just... fix it. Doesn't matter how, or why, or who it effects. Just fix any problem infront of you, simple. World hunger? Just fix it. Cat in a tree? Just fix it? Dad trapped in the Phantom Zone? Just fix it. Thank you Wonder Twins, I had no idea that all of life's problems were just one panel transition away from being fixed. I must've forgotten that I had all the resources, methods, and charisma to deal with everything. I guess the problem was me all along.

I guess what pisses me off about the series is how they Wonder Twins are such shitty superheroes (In this volume at least). Upon first going in, I thought I would be frustrated by how their powers work in each issue. But no! The Wonder Twins themselves are quite possibly some of the worst Superheroes I've ever seen in action.

Sadly, Zan is not being sarcastic. They actually are trapped in plastic bags after an unprompted home invasion. The Wonder Twins spend most of volume fighting powerless human beings who may or may not be wearing stupid costumes. I'm not refereing to armed thugs either, but usually groups of three or less people. This is not counting when they get to scare off the angry mob crowd, which is recurring villain in this series. 'Society is the real villain', said the teenage white girl.

Aside from these performance issues, I'm also refering to Zan and Jayne's character. They... suck. A lot. I actually used to like Zan, but now I think he's just an ignorant moron. Which is what the series was going for; a lovable moron, but the story never hesitates to water him down or belittle his existence and relevance. I genuinely feel bad that he can't play a bigger role or have important things to think about and share his perspective, which sounds very strange for someone who is a main character. As for Jayne, she is the worst. Like, insurmountably the worst. A humanoid being I wouldn't tolerate being around for ten minutes. I think Lisa Simpson was at least likable and had solutions for life's problems. Jayna is just a miserable sad sack looking for more reasons to give up. I can literally count the initiative and planning she shows on one hand because most of the time she's complaining about how the planet Earth is too complicated and broken. Yeah, she's a teenager and everyone eventually becomes disillusioned by life on Earth, but holy shit stop ranting for one second and do something already. Stop complaining about walls and start climbing. Stop acting hopeless and go find some. Batman sometimes exhausts me with dark poetry, but listening to a teenager complain about the mere existence of crime and corruption, without dissecting why that happens in the first place makes for an abysmal experience.

Sigh.

I guess that takes me to the heart of my argument, and my personal gripe with the volume.

Did I mention I hate Jayna?

For context, "a Soap Box is a raised platform on which one stands to make an impromptu speech, often about a political subject. ... The term is also used metaphorically to describe a person engaging in often flamboyant, impromptu, or unofficial public speaking." -- Wikipedia.

When I say The Wonder Twins is a soap box, I'm not referring solely to the political overtones of the series, but I'm referring to how the story portrays these themes and the beliefs of the person writing it. When I read this series, I didn't walk out more self-aware of my actions and the government's failures to make a better world (this comic came out in 2020, by the way). I came out feeling embarrassed to have read such a painful virtue signal for anyone who donates money every day to a tip jar. This series is a painful mishmash of anarchism arguments, radical vanilla ideas, and lazy school intern adventures. And in the midst of all that I'm supposed to adopt an intentionally vague message to rebel against authority because a comic book series, the medium best known for maintaining the status quo, is appealing to my inner narcissist? I mean, it's either that or the author is so obsessed with telling people to fight American status quo, that they forgot that they were writing a comic book, where the point is they need not change the world, but inspire the world to change. Because it's a fucking book.

Look, everyone has an off day. We lose focus of what we're fighting for and begin to lose faith in our beliefs. I already mentioned the disillusionment thing. I'm not going to speak for everyone, because sometimes it can be a good thing to lose faith. It gives us an opportunity to change, to see if something is working for us. What's important is that we don't lose hope and give up completely; that we don't flip tables in hopes that the mere idea of starting over will make us feel better. I think Superheroes used to help with that, because even someone like Batman could overturn a hopeless situation. And, with good writing, a story like that can be... inspiring. Superheroes could be inspiring.

The Wonder Twins don't make me feel that way. I feel like they were supposed to be, but here they don't. The Wonder Twins series feels like a reminder that in superhero land the world gets slightly farther from the real-world status quo every day, becoming better and reaching nonexistent solutions, before the editorial office slingshots the whole DC meta backward and suddenly 9/11 was inevitable. The Wonder Twins themselves feel especially hopeless, demanding rewards for kindness and being privileged to the point of genuine confusion. I don't see them as heroes, they're just doing their job. They hate their job and everyone involved with it, but hey, they wanted the job. As if to further my point, the series literally ends with them working in a facility where they get to make their own rules to bend while working as Superheroes.

Maybe I missed something or maybe one guy's personal change of heart is supposed to convince me that Zan and Jayne make a difference in anybody's life. Maybe this was supposed to be the story of how the Wonder Twins realized there are no rules when it comes to giving someone the help they need, just consequences. Well, all I can think of is what it was supposed to be. It's a wonder how it turned out this way instead.

Also, the art direction sucks. Every fight or conflict is less than a page long. This is what I meant when I said they forgot that they were writing a comic book.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Velma: Season 1

The Greatest Gutter Ball in Streaming history

As someone who watches TV and writes opinions on random shows and movies, I am contractually obligated to voice my opinion on the show Velma and how people felt about its moments after airing. I don't remember signing a contract suggesting I do anything like that, but I get the feeling HBO might interpret that I saw the show on a less-than-ideal platform. I saw it on the correct streaming platform. Obviously.

I should also admit one more thing before we dive into the septic tank. While I did watch the show from beginning to end, I skipped episodes 5, 6, 7, and 9. I didn't have the stomach to continue after watching episode 4, and I needed to at least say that I saw the end with episode 8. Then episodes 9 and 10 came out, and with how efficient skipping things seemed to be, I finished episode 10 with a drained sigh. I'm bringing this up because I hope other people determined to see Velma through to the end know this; just skip some episodes. You won't miss anything important.

To summarize for those who weren't aware, Velma is a reimagining of the Scooby Doo cast before their iconic adventures, in an adult setting with vicious amounts of retconning towards whoever's headcanon had the show in a positive light. It's about a girl in a small town solving a murder mystery with her friends, and maybe if it had to stuck to that two-bit, one-note script, it wouldn't sink to such reprehensible depths that would Family Guy cringe in disgust.

Outside of what I've already detailed, if I tried to describe this show in greater detail, you would simply be scratching your head, wondering if you've heard this before or thinking it's so outrageous that you have to see it for yourself. I recommend never doing the latter. A mom who disappears for years before showing to be framed for a murder they didn't commit, all of the murdered characters being alive...somehow, and endless, simply endless, amounts of high school drama that goes nowhere and makes the promise of a season two even more disgusting to behold. You've heard of all those things. They are separate components found in some of the worst known TV shows to date, infamously known for making network production easier.

I think the worst part about Velma is that it genuinely thinks it's smart. It looks at South Park and thinks "pfft, that's easy. I'm all that and more." When I first saw the show, I couldn't decide if it was trying to be sarcastic, or intentionally failing at being subtle. It didn't take long for me to realize that it was a strange combination of the two. Velma's 'comedy' depends largely on making political statements, then making fun of those political statements, then arguing for those political statements. Preferably in the same episode, but this behavior can be spread throughout the entire series. They're method looks like this: They make a funny offensive joke. Then they make a bad offensive joke. Then they make another bad offensive joke. Then they make yet another bad offensive joke. After a while, you realize that the first joke wasn't actually funny, you just have a bias in that particular argument. Hearing the joke again makes you realize it was in poor taste.

Speaking of behavior, I think the best way to give you an idea of what the show is like is to describe everything I remember from episode 4, Velma makes a List. Pressured into keeping the townspeople safe, specifically the sexy teenagers being targeted by the serial killer, Velma, no longer being accused of being the killer, is placed in charge of making a list of hot girls the police will personally patrol since they do not have enough personnel to protect everyone. Yes. Seriously. After the hot girls make fun of Velma for being an uggo (ugly by TV standards), they decide to make themselves uggos to avoid the serial killer. Then they tell Velma off for being narrow-minded about people's lifestyles. The episode ends with the hot girls posing to distract an angry crowd from Velma.

That is the fragmented synopsis of what I remember of that episode, and I would rather dismantle every streaming service server by hand than watch it again for a clearer picture.

Look, Velma is awful. The jokes are painful and unfunny. The art style becomes exhausting for a show that isn't trying to be a funny cartoon but still tries to surprise you. it takes ten episodes for such a weird mystery to be solved as a result of dicking around. All the characters hate each other, and not in a chemistry-building sort of way, more like in an 'everyone used to speak a different language before practicing English' kind of way. They're all weird and disgusting people, and the series isn't fully aware of how weird and disgusting some of the characters are, so it basically chooses to ignore certain character flaws while constantly being self-aware about other ones. There's no direct comparison for any of this. This show is a culmination of bad ideas, solutions, styles, and beliefs, driven entirely by the narcissism of Mindy Kaling.

Even as a hate-watch, season 1 is unhealthy to sit through, and season 2 just isn't worth the effort anymore. It's THAT bad.

Anyway, Scooby Doo Shows are like water these days. A generic renewable resource. A series like Velma is sort of an inevitability, and we can all wait longer for something better.

Yup. Velma isn't worth a drop of water.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Absolutely Anything

Absolutely much worse than Anything I've ever seen

I really hate having to rewatch a bad movie just so I can remember why I hated every second of it. It means that I've blissfully forgotten how much a film stabs and shanks every section of my brain until I need to watch something less desperate to drag a laugh out of me. I had nothing good to say about the film when it ended, and today I had to double-check why that was in the first place.

I was partially relieved to report that the film's first thirty minutes were better than I remembered. Much better, like, to the point where the entire movie feels divided by both the beginning and the ending. Not to mention the godawful middle. I can name too few films that had a really good beginning before falling off like a train spiraling down a cliff. It's an apt description. Things were good before the fall, but the freefall middle and cruel end was merely a train crash in motion. The story is already dead, there was just extra time to kill.

For context, Absolutely Anything is a film about a hobby writer/teacher, Neil Clarke, who is randomly chosen by bored space aliens to wield infinite wishing powers. And while that premise is 100% flimsy, the movie takes it to heart and everything he says becomes reality, no matter how strange the consequences are.

...Then his neighbor shows up. Catherine, a TV writer, realizes her job sucks. She is sexually harassed by her boss, like, all the time. LOL. Suddenly, her ex-boyfriend shows up and is stalking her? Whaaaat? She talks to her Irish friend, who used to be a wild card before getting married, and her advice is to get laid with her next-door neighbor. Crazy!

Anyway her crazy ex attacks the wishing guy, wishing guy realizes his wishes have consequences, the crazy ex attacks wishing guy and uses his wishes, wishing guy's friends save him, third act sad scene, dog kills all the aliens and the powers are gone.

If you're confused by the sudden change in tone, style, writing, self-awareness, and level of effort coming from me writing the plot of the movie, then you know exactly how I feel about this movie as a whole now. Its... painful watching something become actively worse over time, especially when it starts off so good. And the reason why is not going to be more appealing or understandable then if it just... 'ran out of steam'.

The main story is a simple wishing comedy. The charming actor Simon Pegg can whip anything he wants into existence, but be too vague and you end up in the body of Albert Einstein. Good jokes, good special effects, good execution all around.

The side story is a different story. Catherine, a random woman no one cares about, is an attractive romantic lead that everyone wants to get their hands on. I'm not kidding. I think every character in the movie has manhandled Katie Beckinsdale a little more than necessary. She basically spends the movie waving off her gross boss, calmly telling her psychotic ex-boyfriend that stalking people might be a crime but she isn't sure, and trying to convince the audience that Neil Clarke is a catch. Catherine is one of those really, really large waving red flags signaling the complete failure of the Bechdel Test on every conceptual level, one that you can't really ignore unless you aren't paying attention to her or you think it's her own fault.

The entwined story is simply shameful to behold. Lazy, without stakes, almost void of meaning both deep or simple. A disgusting combination of a shameless prop comedy and a shameful romance comedy into the worst kind of narrative to make at that last minute- An adventure tale featuring the half end of the hero's journey. I love when a character realizes they can't possibly use their power responsibly, and give it to a dog because, well shit they were right, they CAN'T use their power responsibly.

Also, Ray and his cult should've had a more satisfying payoff. You know cuz Ray wanted this woman he liked to worship him. And she literally treated him like a god. Then it went too far. But not far enough because Neil fixed it.

Look, this film could've been great. It should have been great. Robin Williams was in it before he passed away! Hell, even I thought it was good. At the beginning. But whoever made this movie walked into the room with some serious prejudices and spite, because for a movie made in 2015, this is just... distasteful. An almost artistic level of cruelty. On one side, a half-decent premise with good visuals, a famous actor, and a story that could go literally anywhere. On the other side, a sloppy, afterthought of an attempt at female empowerment where the obstacles are set, but the part where the female lead overcomes them, not so much, especially since she needs to focus on getting a boyfriend!

For a story with literally seven to eight characters total, there was always a shadow of doubt about the film. But I think what made me the most sick was watching Neil's last wishes. Watching him try to make wishes for people other than himself, fail, and try to kill himself afterward. I think the film above all screwed Neil. It made an adorably average human character feel like an irredeemable narcissist. He found a way to make curing world hunger about himself. He tried to force his neighbor to fall in love with him. He shared an incredibly dangerous, reality-bending power with some crazy guy who had a gun. I wanted to like Neil. But he's more or less the same person after the movie's over, and I'm not interested in the person he's depicted as anymore.

Absolutely Anything is a flop, to me. It's a film that started off running, tripped over its own feet, and got a concussion that somehow left me with fewer brain cells instead. I gave it another chance, and I finally agree with the 6/10 rating on IMBD. This movie has bits pieces that appeal to me, but it only seems to happen when Simon Pegg is the only one in the room. And that doesn't scream 'good writing' to me, it just says that I wouldn't be here if his face wasn't on the poster. Catherine just pisses me off and I think overestimated how much I cared about incel Ray and the cultist lady.

Once again, I'm left complaining about how wishing movies always end up like this. I find myself wondering why Neil didn't just wish he was a better person. I'm confused as to why Max Lord didn't just wish he could be satisfied with his life instead of fighting Wonder Woman. Why didn't Aladin share the lamp with his trusted friends and loved ones? And one reference to that weird wishing stone movie. The greatest appeal is all the chaos and jokes that can come from messing with the pure magic of conjuring crap and chaos. Why does every film have to cripple itself with nonconsensual love stories? Why does every wish have to have arbitrary consequences? Why is it so hard to just have some fun with infinite power?

Must be a religious thing.

I guess we can never truly enjoy Absolutely Anything we get our hands on.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Overlord Anime

That crappy anime people love to talk about.

After watching season three of another hyped-up classic, I've drawn some conclusions from watching the series. I basically had to give the show another chance after watching it the first time, and now I've seen it twice with less enjoyment the first time around. Here are my feelings.

Overlord is a boring mess of wish-fulfillment and bad pacing, and I think it might be fun for people the first go-around, but it's completely draining for anyone over the age of 15.

I don't know where to start for a series that basically exists in a video game where the protagonist's avatar maxed out their stats. I guess I'll start by complimenting the world-building and characterization since it's actually some of the best stuff in the anime business. I almost feel like being a part of a world like this so I can get a chance to interact with it and some characters feel like they could be worth talking to. Almost everyone has an interesting history, design, and preference or purpose.

But I guess that lets me segue straight into the negatives, which need to be discussed rather soon in order to address my issues. First, the reason I'm not talking about the plot is because I'm struggling to call it a plot. It's more accurate to call it a series of side stories and filler pieces that, if glued together with duct tape and plot convenience, can look like a main storyline. Each side story involves a cavalcade of characters that the protagonist, Momonga (I'll be using Ains moving forward), directly interacts with for a brief while before they move on to their own issues and problems, which may also be caused by Ains. It's sort of like having multiple people serve as the vehicle for the story before Ains rudely barges, intimidates and yells about being the protagonist, then disappears multiple episodes to do paperwork and plot maniacal schemes.

Normally I wouldn't have a huge problem with this, but three seasons of this behavior tell me a different story. One of the main issues I have with the series is building suspense and tension. And boy, can it do that with intense action scenes. What it can't do is make me care after the third massacre hits and I'm watching some kids fight Ains in a deathmatch. I don't need another speech about why Ains respects honor and fair play; The man surrounds himself with deranged psychopaths. If Ains always wins by default, and his subjects win because they work for him, and his citizens and slaves win because they're associated with him, then I don't know what I expected every time a fight breaks out. Maybe I just expected better pacing, because every battle seems to last several minutes longer than it needs to. Maybe I'm supposed to be in awe that a gerbil with a tail can beat someone with child slave soldiers. I'm definitely in awe that someone wrote that down with a straight face.

I guess my other main complaint is story pacing. Remember when I said the series was individual stories slapped together into a season of content? Well, they didn't hesitate to draw every minute of those stories out for as long as they could. Not enough to offend, but just enough to fill an entire episode with just talking, another episode with dramatic reveals, I think one episode was an entire war being resolved in five minutes (5 minutes anime time, 20 minutes for me), and every few episodes a notable fight breaks out with those inevitable victors I mentioned earlier. It's an understatement to say you don't need to pay attention to know what's going on. The entire series moves slowly enough that even the most attention-deficit person can keep track of the plot.

Lastly, for writing at least, there's the plot, or at least the end goal. I believe every series should paint an overall goal that a character or a series of characters should work to achieve, no matter how ambiguous. At least in season one, Ains was working toward a goal; to become familiar around the world and protect his crypt and home. But later seasons basically expand that goal to taking over the world because... Demiurge jumps to conclusions from cognitive biases. The side stories helped paint newer simpler goals that could work with Ain's goal, but that advantage started to disappear because 'damn, humans suck and my friends insist upon that ideology' and more NPCs kicked the bucket before we could see them do anything interesting or fulfill something relevant. Chekov's gun must have wet gunpowder or something because I only see wasted potential. Oh well, there's always next season. I'll just keep waiting until then.

I'm harping on this because it all connects to each other. No real end goals mean no need for fast pacing. No fast pacing means no tension or suspense. No real end goals means no subversions means no suspense which means no need for pacing. You're beginning to see my perspective of the problem. This isn't a mistake here and there (we haven't even begun talking about the animation), this is an inherent problem with the writing style in Overlord, as well as whatever method they're using to adapt the manga. Or maybe the manga's to blame, but that's not my place. My point is this series is going nowhere for me. Ains can take over the world in a heartbeat but chooses not to because... then there wouldn't be an end goal to chase after. The series focuses on different people who the series emphasizes are weaker than the main cast and will basically die if they get too close to the main cast. And we'll never know why Ains is here or who those other player characters are because this is a wish-fulfillment anime and there can't actually be real threats, or problems, or issues that can't be fixed by waving a magic wand.

Man, when did all Isekai become the equivalent of re-reading Cinderella and self-inserting yourself in that world?

Anyway, I'll quickly go over the animation before concluding.

The animation... spikes and dips every season. In the first one, it was pretty cool. Stylish, completely 2d animated. A real low bar to clear by today's standards. Season two is fine. Some fight scenes are pale, and any scene with more than ten characters gets 3d animated. It's not... insufferable. Season three... awful. Watching Ains fight someone with a stick is one thing (a low-effort thing, I realize now), but watching a 3d army of identical models march across a field, multiple times in a row, for different scenarios in the same season. That was embarrassing; genuinely hard to look at, just tolerable if you actually appreciate 3d animates, but are aware of why it makes productions easier. The lowest point was definitely the... shadow goat giants. The 'dark young' as they called it. Just... creativity hitting rock bottom.

Oh sure, it looks kind of cool. As a 2d image. This CGI abomination walks around, stomping enemies, swiping at them with their tentacles one measly frame per tentacle. It must've killed thousands, off-screen anyway. They don't do anything else either. Just literally giant shadow monster goats.

I think it's clear I'm not the thirteen-year-old edge lord this show was made for. It had my attention when I was around that age before I noticed it was way too slow for a series where the main character can almost do anything and he's mostly just sitting on his ass while his friends and manipulated friends do most of the work for him. I kept waiting for the side stories to go somewhere, preferably so that we could move to someone genuinely more interesting and capable, but the Overlord relishes the fact that they can basically do nothing and that the bare minimum they can do is somehow a result of them being human and not something that could be meaningful to the plot rather than being crushed with brute force. The main cast is kind of interesting, but between not getting enough screen time and just being human-oriented psychopaths with little thoughtful empathy or reliability, I just hate them for being so one-note. Albedo literally works right beside Ains, almost all the time, and all I can say is that she's a crazy bitch (a crazy bitch he brainwashed into loving him, to add insult to injury).

I don't like Overlord because while on the surface it looks like things are progressing and getting crazy, in reality, everything's basically at a standstill. There's no consequence for failure, no danger or challenge, no emotional drama. I'm pretty sure he can still log out of the game, so it's not really like Ains needs to be here. I don't think it matters if he told his monster army the truth because he can brainwash them and they worship the ground he stands on. There is seriously, genuinely no point to any of this. It's a contrived, artificial fantasy, and the good world-building and characterization only emphasize that.

The world of Overlord is literally meant to only be enjoyed, and it feels weird that the main character is both doing that and somehow avoiding that, while the world contorts itself to revolve around him.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Yozakura-san Chi no Daisakusen/Mission: Yozakura Family

That weird Anime I didn't like.

I was actually planning to avoid making any reviews or commentary about animes or eastern media in general, since I would have to describe every decision that was over the top, unrealistic, cliche to the point of direct copying, racist, homophobic, pedophilic, too much fan-service, too much pedophilic fan-service, or just flat-out incest that a show has before describing the actual content of the show. Anime is a slippery slope of entertainment, heavily mingled with controversy in the name of cultural representation. That, and hentai is more popular with western fans, so talking about any series that isn't One Piece or Dragon Ball feels pointless.

But Mission: Yozakura Family stuck out to me, mainly because it looked like a series trying to compete for an afternoon Cable Channel Time Slot. It's a weird show that I enjoyed a little bit at first before it eventually wore down my patience. What little respect was drained away as more episodes came and went, with some of my own self-respect disappearing as well, since I started to feel like I was watching a little kids show instead of fun spy comedy.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Mission: Yozakura Family is about a guy who marries a teenage girl, (there's that common anime cliche I mentioned), and becomes a part of her legendary mercenary family, and as a consequence, a part of a larger world of assassins and spies. In order to protect his wife and find out the truth what happened to original family, the main character trains to be a bodyguard and helps out the Yozakuras in missions and security.

It's an interesting plot, some decent visuals, and the main character is also a teenager, so I can feel less gross about his wife being underage. If this were made by someone else, I can guarantee this would be about a generic 30-year old man banging his daughter wife while yelling about how he's the son of the greatest assassin that ever lived and he can feel that talent in his blood. Stuff like that turns people away from this type of TV, and makes casually reviewing anime borderline impossible, since here will always be that one scene from the show stuck in your head.

For me, that scene is Taiyou Asano trying to shoot someone for being gay, but that's just me.

Oddly enough, this isn't what pushed me away from the series, although it served a finishing blow to my patience.

I mentioned earlier that this series was a fun spy comedy. Well, it's certainly fun, but it lacks in the comedy department, leaning more heavily on straight-man comedy routines. I won't say it doesn't meet the average for comedy, in an anime at least. However, one of the downsides to having a straight-man character serve as the protagonist is that you get pretty tired of hearing their opinions after a while. You would think someone living in an unusual situation would try harder to brush off any strangeness they come across. And to his credit, Asano does grow and adjust to these problems, learning to tackle new situations he comes across. I suppose it's just hard to appreciate this growth with a character who was and is literally cardboard printout before and afterwards. No preferences, no interests, just an everyman who is willing (forced, really) into marrying the girl he likes and becoming her reluctant bodyguard. Well, as long he's blindly determined, he'll never lose audience appeal.

As for the plot, the main plot at least, the main villains of the series are... (you'd have never guessed), ...Eugenic supremacists!

I may have forgot to mention that this anime, or rather every single anime I've ever watched or briefly saw, are huge eugenics supporters, (at least in terms of fiction, I can presume). Basically, if someone ever disliked a character trait of your own, they'll probably say you were born with it or that people like themselves do not have those traits and are financially better off because of it. There are thousands of douchebags who will insist they are rich and famous because their family is of "good blood", and that's why you should sleep with them.

cough, cough, (generational incel), cough.

The Yozakura family is so good at mercenary stuff because of this "good blood" and the blue haired girl has the most "good blood" and will give birth to the best children. That's why the genetics supremacists need to fight with Yozakura's, and Asuna needs to save them, and rape-y implications and blah blah blah.

Look, my problem with the plot is that the more the mystery unravels, the less I want to see what the final bullet point in this list is. I haven't mentioned Mutsumi Yozakura much because originally, I was going to say this series treats her like a plot device mommy stage director (try dissecting how I reached that conclusion), but I realized that the reason why I have an issue with this series also ties to her too. The entire series literally revolves around her, but it's all too obvious how she has so little of anything to do or really can't help out when everyone's in a pinch, (unless there's a convenient button nearby). She can't fight, she can't spy, she can't make clever plans; all she does is micromanage. Oh, and cheerlead, as most anime wives do. She's so inconsequential that the bad guys only want her DNA, or her babies, whichever is considered fan-service. I genuinely believe Mutsumi is not the main character of the show, and she's not. Taiyou is, with his oh so interesting dead parents' backstory.

Finally, the main reason why this series gets on my nerves. To reiterate, I was fine with leaving this alone, but I just couldn't pinpoint why I had an issue with this show. the characters are a tad one note, but they're not robots. The plot makes Sailor Moon look like literature, but it's not abysmal or the focus half the time. The comedy missed an opportunity with better slapstick, but I did laugh sometimes. I just couldn't stand another minute of it though. And now I know why.

Flanderization.

Taiyou Asano, living with mercenaries and training to become a bodyguard for the birthing hips princess, uses a gun. This gun shoots special non-lethal bullets that electrocute people on contact, although sometimes multiple bullets are required. This is a special one-of-a-kind gun that can incapacitate anyone without- ...What do you mean by stun gun? No, it's not a taser, its a pistol that electrocutes people at short distances. Clearly, you know nothing about the spy world...

...Is a statement that would've worked before Fast and Furious Ten was released in theaters. At this point, we've all seen enough spy crap to call BS on someone faking their way through a pitch meeting. It's not a huge issue that the Yozakura Family are a group of cartoon spies living in a looney tunes mercenary world straight out of a third graders imagination. It's not supposed to be an issue, at least. I think, at some point, the need to have cool-looking and/or quirky characters over having interesting international spy techniques and methods crossed a line where fun became lazy and comedic became insulting.

For example, the white Loli character is super strong, with the strength lift serval boulders and large furniture. This is hand waved as a martial art she practices. She's also the oldest one in the family and over 18 because I'm starting to think I hate anime. Next, is the hacker, who can turn her entire hacking progress into a video game and if she wins the game then she'll be inside the mainframe. I think not too many developers like this series. Then there's Mutsumi's brother, Kyoichiro, who doesn't seem to any real ability other than 'uses wires' and teleporting. He's also a complete psycho that everyone puts up with because "they may be trying to kill you, but you need to respect them because their family." He's the one who kickstarts the plot, by the way, due to his possessiveness of Mutsumi. Gotta mark that Sis-con checkbox.

I think the final straw for me was in episode 9 when I had to watch the triplets use magic attacks to fight the samurai spy, and the guy "cut through it" to beat them. I'm dead serious. The cartoon spy crap I can put up with, but there's supposed to be a limit for a reason. If I'm watching dipshits throw elemental weapons without rhyme or reason, AFTER a guy carrying a Katana slices through four floors of concrete beneath him, beneath him for fucks sake, then I'm not even watching a Spy anime.

I think the point of all this is that the anime is trying to embrace that silly world of spies and ninja's we once saw when we were kids and depict it brilliantly with its shonen budget animation. In my opinion, it embraced it a little too much and now I'm struggling to watch series that is too childish to have anything to do with the rugged, dark world of spies and assassins, but is somehow way to graphic and bloody to be for a younger demographic. This is definitely 10+ in Japan, 13+ in America.

God, anime is weird. Well, there's a 50-50 chance this is propaganda, so let that be the takeaway from this.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Batman: Ninja

Disappointment in America, famous in Japan

As someone who started reading the Batman series a few years ago, with detective comics added to that reading schedule, it probably comes as no surprise that I entered the film with big expectations. Even if the movie turned out kind of mid, it would be a slam-dunk animated action film that would make me love Batman anywhere, at any time. I was certain that it couldn't disappoint.

I was disappointed.

For context, fanservice, according to Wikipedia, is material in a work of fiction or in a fictional series that is intentionally added to please the audience, often sexual in nature, such as nudity. I suppose that might explain why my screen was coated in DC vomit with Feudal Japanese aesthetic paper stickers blocking my view of any logic or reason. Like most fanservice, I'm not supposed to actually understand it, I'm supposed to laugh and masturbate with my friends as they point at Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn, saying they recognize them from a doushinji. I'm not saying I didn't do that, I'm saying that if I had known the movie would be all over the place, I would've just watched Gotham by Gaslight to save time and hand cramps.

Batman Ninja is about Batman fighting a Gorilla, then the Joker. That's the TL;DR version since most Batman movies end up that way. It's actually about Batman being sent back in time so he can be told over and over again that he's completely useless without money and fancy machines, but he can change that by being a magical ninja. That's the second TL;DR, in case you think Batman sucks and isn't as cool as Superman. It's also about every character from the Batman universe showing and wearing time-appropriate clothes and using feudal Japan weapons, but only before the giant robots show up. That's the last TL;DR, because you either get the gist or you think the movie sounds much cooler than it is, in which case I welcome to watch it before coming back. You'll have two scenes worth talking about with your friends and nothing else good to say about it.

I wish I could say it was one of those movies that's taking a tour of Batman's cast and rogues gallery, but that describes Batman vs TMNT. This is more like one of those movies where a random guy with no familiarity with the series is put in charge, assigns characters in simple roles based on quick summary readings, and then yells at the 3d animation department that they aren't getting paid overtime. A 12-year-old could make this movie, but I'm pretty sure most twelve-year-olds know Batman was already a ninja, if a guy dressed in black sneaking up on people didn't make that incredibly obvious.

Since the story is already a wash, and the Joker is only added in to give both the movie and marketing some teeth, maybe the action is worth the watch? And it is. The choreography, the music, the animation; it feels like watching a masterpiece in kickass drama. I was so hyped when during the beginning watching Batman fight the Joker with the tricked-out Batmobile... and then losing somehow. And then being told over and over again that technology is bad, and that tradition is good, and that technology is bad, and that tradition is-

Later, the Joker, the gorilla, and the other DC villains ride in on giant mecha robots to fight each other over feudal Japan territory. Don't ask how they made those robots, or how the language barrier is gone, or worse, how they built giant robots while dealing with a language barrier. Just know that everyone of the villain characters not only did it, but all the machines actually fit together and can controlled with a wooden chessboard.

Yes. Seriously.

How does Batman fight them? Without any tech, it'll be a huge, perhaps cinematic, challenge to even- oh right! The monkeys can just work together to make a huge monkey man. Then the bats will help for some reason and make a gigantic Batman that is immune to fire. And that will be how they beat the Chessboard Mecha.

YES. SERIOUSLY.

here's a picture.

Now, there are two things I should go over before I put a lid on this ridiculous sham of a film.

One, Batman: Ninja was made for Japan with the specific purpose of introducing Eastern media to the sheer awesomeness of DC comics and the illustrious Batman who is notably tied to it. A lot of the scenes are meant to represent certain historical points in Fedual Japan, like the DC villains fighting for territory, or Joker taking over the Mecha (and the plot), not to mention the Monkeys and bats being summoned by nature gods. It was all meant to serve as subtext for Japan's history. Even the Mecha's are meant to represent Japan's weirdly advanced mechanical puppets from the 1600s. Was it worth it? Hell no. I'm not going to explain how 'story integration' works because I shouldn't have to. If there is literally no connection between every historical nudge in the film and the plot of the movie, then you didn't write a Batman movie, you made an incomprehensible documentary and layered comic book shenanigans over it.

Which leads to my next point, my second thing. Why should I care? A man in a bat suit fighting a mind-control expert genius Gorilla, without guns for personal reasons, is insanely stupid in itself. Why can't I just enjoy the film as it is? My response to that is... I tried. The reason I'm even mad is that I tried. Even with the crap plot, it's hard not to see something like this as... enjoyable fluff, but in reality, is indigestible slop. There are too many what-if moments that go unanswered and far too many WTF moments that go unanswered. It just goes beyond being tolerable or acceptable; it can't be fixed with one moment of Batman turning into a semi-literal Batman. I'm still pissed off by that, by the way. All that build up and we don't see how they changed, what their time did to them, what the point of all the modern world bashing was supposed to be. All it says is that ninjas are cool... if you don't know what a ninja is.

Batman: Ninja is a disappointment. Not too much of a disappointment to stop them from making a sequel, but a disappointment all the same. Seeing it makes me cringe and reminds me why I began to lose interest in Batman movies. People see themselves in the Batman characters too much, characters who are supposed to define instability and impatience with the current world. So instead of stories about how their inherent character fails them and others, we get stories about how some characters weren't that bad, or how they have something in common with historical figures, or how they weren't that great in the first place but if they'll get better if they become a magical ninja. It's bullcrap that a film with this good animation and budget is somehow still a trashy, surface-level toy sales pitch.

I hear the Batman Ninja Manga is good though.

[the-things-ive-seen]

CWs Titans - DC

I'm not going to talk about Titans.

Of all the TV shows I might possibly crap on while typing posts on the internet, Titans is, hands down, irrefutably the worst TV show I've ever seen. Well, it's the worst live-action TV show, accounting for budget constraints and the year it was made. Velma is still the actual worst, and probably will be for a long time.

I wish I had something good to say that would at least contrast the bad. The show had funny moments? The story had an interesting concept despite execution? The Doom Patrol cameo episode still holds up from Season 1? Nope. It's all bad, it's all draining, and it's a nightmare to actually watch. Again, not as much as Velma, but comparing which TV show is less traumatic doesn't build sympathy.

But as cathartic as it is to rail on this series again, I need to stop. I can't convince people to stop watching something because I think the show is bad and they think the actors in the show are hot. And I'm not the first person to throw shade at Titans or CW content in general. I'm not even as good as HiTop Films, a YouTuber who off-handedly found themselves going over both Season 1 and Season 2. They found even more flaws with the show than I did, and I was just upset that they were wasting villains to save time for drama.

The reason I'm even going over now is the same reason to I started the blog. I need to get this sh!t off my chest; I'll yell till my voice reaches the highest heavens, just so everyone can hear me. I will proudly say that CW Titans is objectively terrible and I watched, I suffered, enough.

For anyone needing a quick reason why though, It's just teen drama.

Like, the CW is extremely infamous for grabbing IPs people are familiar with, hiring ten adults to act like sitcom teenagers, with mood and angst dialed up to eleven, and then recycling a script or two. They also have some dogsh!t directors, so don't be surprised if every side plot, plot twist, ex machina, plot-device, character revival, and sequel bait teaser goes completely unanswered.

I mean, see it from their perspective. You're already here, watching because your favorite characters might appear in it. They did their job, and it was quick and easy; cheap too. It's not like these people are here to entertain you.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013)

Percy Jackson: Sinking the Franchise

When I watched the movie for the first Percy Jackson movie, I thought it was good, a nice adventure film at the time. I was in first grade then, but by second grade the book for Percy Jackson and the Olympians was required reading. This was when I realized that the book was ten times better than the movie. (Even now, I'd say the book has a leg up on the TV show!) More importantly, I realized that book adaptation movies could completely rewrite a story with their own half-baked ideas in a desperate attempt to save time and appeal to audiences. Hence the second failure in the franchise.

Before that, I should mention how I was a huge fan of the second book by Rick Riordan, Sea of Monsters. I loved reading it so much, that I got a physical copy and have read it back to back multiple times. I originally didn't understand why, it just felt good to read and it still makes me laugh. But I realize now that the Ocean Journey narratives are just really good when they're well done. The growth everyone goes through as they travel, the adventures happening both on and between islands, the legends and battles. It's an incredible test of creativity, one that succeeded.

...Then Sea of Monsters came out in theaters.

Apparently, the thing about taking a test of creativity, worldbuilding, and pacing, is that you can still fail that test. Quite horribly, it seems. Sea of Monsters was a gut punch for me, as well as for anyone who thought this series would be revived with even a small amount of credibility regained. 20th Century Fox found a way to kill an extremely popular IP, and it would only be revived later by Disney of all companies.

Okay Spoilers, but I need to get into it. Here's why Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters feels like I'm the one trapped in an ocean of mediocrity.

Let's start with the ending climax because the beginning sure as sh!t doesn't leave much to be desired. It also gives me an opportunity to explain why they chose... that as a finale. See, after the long journey of being chased by bad guys only to be caught by bad guys for no explainable reason, The bad guys get the thing, a MacGuffin if you will, and go through with their evil plan of reviving Tautarus. Percy's blade starts glowing for no reason and he stabs Tautarus, banning him forever. But he actually isn't banished forever because sequel- baiting.

It's sad that I actually managed to explain that as succinctly as possible, skipping over the bare minimum of detail, like Grover wearing a dress. If you read the books, or you can probably guess what's wrong here, Tautarus isn't actually supposed to revive in the story, nor is Percy's blade meant to be the random magical item that kills him. The prophecy mentioning any of this refers to a different book.

Why movie does it is because it's trying to pull a Percy Jackson. That's the official term for it. It pulls a Percy Jackson, using future book content to tease or even supplant plot points in an attempt to stir interest or raise stakes. You know you've hit a new low in reading comprehension when you grab the main bad guy for the end of a series and place him in the middle of your plot. Because it sounded like a good idea.

Speaking of plot, there are a few more details I skipped over when describing the plot of the movie. Percy lives in a magical campground for special children protected by a tree. That tree is dying, so they send this previously unmentioned character, Clarise, to find the golden MacGuffin that Grover found but can't deliver due to incompetency. Percy, jealous, decides to go on the life-threatening journey himself with his girlfriend. He gets captured by the main bad guy but escapes with cool plot devices given to him by a god; ex machinas, I believe they're called. 2 minutes later, they catch up to Clarise who was a day ahead of them and has a submarine that was given to her by her Daddy (way too late to ask questions). After traveling through a monster's stomach, they reach Journey's End island, with the golden Macguffin, Grover, and another roadblock? After that pointless roadblock, all the villains teleport to the island to initiate the climax (I guess Luke can actually teleport though?). They fight, good guys win, and they go home and use the MacGuffin, which leads to a new character being unlocked. Some sequel-baiting before the movie unceremoniously ends.

Also, there's this Cyclops boy named Tyson. What a wacky character that guy is.

Yeah... I really hate this movie. It isn't fair to judge by what it does and doesn't have, but the movie lacks so much of... anything, that when you read the books it is genuinely insulting how much they could've squeezed in and ultimately didn't. Entire plot points skipped, characters that we never met, monsters that we're never fought; worst of all, a plot so simple I could've written the entire thing on the back of a napkin. Sea of Monsters decided an Ocean Journey was too much effort, but a one-note sea adventure fit perfectly in the budget. It hurts more when you're in a biased position, but I still at least like the first movie. It felt like an incomplete introduction to the Americanized Olympians, but it was a glimpse at what could've been. This movie is an open view of what wasn't and will never be. Percy Jackson by 20th Century will never be deep, adventurous, hilarious, or well-financed. It will always be shallow, simple to follow, barely chuckle-worthy, and one cut corner after another.

I'm glad this will be the last time I talk about this film in any capacity. It's one legend that should stay forgotten.

[the-things-ive-seen]

The Swords of Ditto: Mormo's Curse

Play Again? Hell No.

Spoilers, obviously, but The Swords of Ditto is a video game series about you, the player, taking after your predecessor and wield the sword of Ditto, a sharp blade that levels up and unlocks dungeons protecting magical toy weapons. You must use this weapon to seal Mormo, a dark deity, and help Puku, a light deity, in order to protect the island of Ditto and save the world from Corruption! It's a fun series with light-hearted elements and incredible artwork, and I would recommend playing it right away!

...OR I would if I didn't become disillusioned with the series, finish it with intense, exasperated dissatisfaction, and then forgot about it for several years.

I'll admit, the game stuck with me. It's a beautiful game and the main game is as smooth and polished as the cover above. It plays well and you can end your first run-through somewhat satisfied and ready for more. Things quickly go to sh!t on the second run-through.

If you haven't guessed already, this game is a rogue-lite, which is a game where every time you lose, you keep some progress made with levels and fights, but you have to start the entire game map over. It also randomizes the map so it's a different playthrough each time. That's actually one of the game's mottos.

Each adventure becomes its own legend, both distinct from those that came before it and part of a heroic legacy that bind together. -Steam Page

"So the game looks good, plays good, and seems to have some lore. What's the problem? It's not like the game forces you to replay it just to finish it completely." Actually, hypothetical voice in my head, it does. A lot.

It takes 6 successful run-throughs, using the Icon item as a sacrifice, to finish the game. You have beat the exact same game six times. Trust me, that is exhausting, especially when you've already picked up all the lore notes and you've talked to every NPC that seems to be inexplicably immortal. I think this problem comes from the fact that normally in roguelikes, you unlock more areas, items, and enemies as you're forced to start over, Inscryption being a good example of this. Here, you play through the entire game, which is borderline identical to the first time around, and you stab, escort, and fetch quest your way all the way around to the same exact boss, with a slight modifier.

God, the modifiers. If this game didn't do its best to purge my memories, I'd be pulling my hair out. The Sentinel comes to mind first. An indestructible enemy that follows you around the map, following you in and out of dungeons, putting an emphasis on time and movement. Good mechanic. It would've been a cool idea if I didn't have a very clear memory of the entire game map, randomized or not. So it's just a distraction, not a threat. Worse, it's used three times during the completion run-through, so it wears out it's welcome almost immediately.

Okay, I'm starting to drag this out. Let's try to quickly summarize the plot. Spoilers again. Puku and Mormo are actually friends. They found a guy, the player/you, who can control fate. In a convoluted attempt to both contain and test the player, they created an elaborate illusion to see if the player was brave and true of heart. (yes, it was seriously all a dream) And if you read all 52 lore notes, you now have half of the true story, since Ditto isn't real and no there isn't an epilogue.

I don't imagine anyone was particularly impressed with this ending, but at least it can't get worse. No literally. It can't get worse. The game's over. No more lore, no extra secrets, no bonus dungeon. You got a new skin in case you want to play the entire game for the 17th time. It's done.

I know I'm being pretty hard on a game that, apparently, is the successor of an older, somewhat less successful version of this game. But I have to draw the line somewhere. This isn't Shovel Knight Dig, you can't lure people with a beautiful game, and then drag them through repetitive gameplay for hours on end. and if you are going to do that, then it better have a phenomenal ending, not a footnote about how you were kidnapped by two magic bugs because they think you're weird.

Seriously One Bit Beyond, I see you do good work, but I hope this isn't the last bit you worked on.

[the-things-ive-seen]

Reviews or venting?

Hello, everyone.

This will mostly cover several topics. TV shows, comics, videogames, anime, movies, recent political drama, and philosophy.

I mostly want to oust my opinion while make some funny jokes along the way. I don't want to offend anyone or target people.

Just trying to vent in a healthy way. If anything about this can be considered healthy.

Thank you for stopping by.