#i genuinely dont think im like. capable of caring about anything half as much.

[acaesic]

i dont think im capable of being as enthralled with anything else in the world as i am with idkhow. i think this is just who i am now. forever

[eggmixercortex]

putting up hands like spongebob im not pro AI this shit sucks!!!

anyway. something that makes me real sad about the whole AI art deal is what it could have meant artistically if things had been different. like, in the very early days of ai art being a thing when the datasets were pretty small and the models were kinda simple so anything you asked for would spit out a really fucked up blurry/mashed image, there was (imo) genuine artistic merit there! pretty much no human ever would make the kinds of decision an ai would because of the ways that humans are capable of indexing context and culture and pulling from sources instead of just averaging data. the melty sort of half-formed look of early stuff really captured me creatively and i still love that look in general. i used to follow a few early ai artists and one of the main things they would do is lean into the inhumanity of generated images, and use them as springboards either for more images or for writing - it was really cool to see how an artist would work to incorporate and interpret whatever fucked up gunk the models spat out.

(these two are from a twitter account that did that sort of thing, 2021 and 2022 respectively. iirc this account pretty much stopped posting as the ai models became more advanced and even less ethical, but i havent touched twitter in ages so who knows)

again, to me there was and is real artistic potential in the old crusty ai models precisely because of their inability to correctly mimic a human's artistic work, and what an artist can then pull from what gets made. when ai art was mostly a fun novelty for weird niche internet nerds to play around with i didnt really have any issues with it, mostly because it largely COULDNT be used to steal from artists in any real sense, because it couldnt make any sense, pretty much at all.

and then tech shitbrains got their mitts on it and saw nothing but free labor, and as the tech improved it was improved to iron out any of the quirks that had made it a viable artistic tool to begin with, in favor of being able to pump out passable art without having to deal with a pesky artist who might want something so scandalous as to be paid. corporations moved to incorporate generated backgrounds and such into their workflows to cut out labor time and possibly be able to fire now-unnecessary workers. ai videos have already been used to fake porn of prominent women celebrities. style mimicry allowed techbros to even steal from dead artists, etc etc etc. as ever, the prospect of moneybags flattened any possibility of real art coming out of this actually pretty interesting tech evolution. (wow, the guys who call artists 'selfish bourgeoisie' dont actually care about the creative potential of an emerging technology? no way!)

obviously it isnt nearly so much of an issue as, yk, the real jobs and livelihoods being taken from workers in an already notoriously exploitative and tentative industry, but it still makes me pretty sad when i think about how much we could have had to work with, especially as a fan of glitch/techie art that fucks with the limits of the tools at hand. i recommend nightshade or glaze to prevent ai scraping from being as effective (-_-)b

[gayspock]

ok on

ok this isnt a suicidal rant for once. yes it is not it isnt. idk. part of what gets me very upset sometimes is like... i know im not a smart person or whatever. and similarly i know im not very capable of, like, much. but i think thats just all the more reason why i get so fucked off when the like 1 or 2 times im like pretty fucking confident in my own assessment of a situation or my own abilities, and Yet Even Then someone swoops in and tries to act like a patronising git abt it. cuz i dont mind criticism + invite it happily. and similarly i do not blame ppl if there is genuine cause for doubt in me. like if ive historically shown a pattern of incompetence in a specific situation, then sure. and half the time its like idgaf even if NONE of that applies because whatever at this point but

ohhhhh mygdodddd tifds i think its just a case of like whenever someone is like. not even listening. like not even acknowledging you or the things you fucking say to them and going off on their own half fucking cooked interpretation. i feel so fucking invisible sometimes. and maybe thats it thats the problem like even if i fucking account for everything in my head and try to like give it the benefit of the doubt because i know im dogshit at expressing my own thought process directly in absolute fairness and thats fine and i know im not right a lot and this and that and the other but like maybe its just a fucking situation of like . hmmmm deemed kind of unimportant and that inherent bias is always going to like fuck me in the ass like

and this is soo a different thing actually but like its made a tenfold worse when its someone who tries to keep kissing your ass and is like "noo youre soo good at this thing<3 But also! I will never fucking demonstrate any trust in you. I will also talk over you on everything." and i think intelligence is obviously something extremely broad in that sense and kind of a horseshit metric but nonetheless i cannot fucking describe the number of ppl who have tried to butter me up by baselessly calling me some variation of intelligent whilst simultaneously disregarding every fucking thing i say to them cuz they know better. and again theres a difference between that and disagreeing right. or criticism. idgaf if someone disagrees sure as hell. but its like you will not even fucking have a conversation with me properly and you will dismiss every thing i say to instead fit in your own stock responses cuz youre already convinced im stupid and wrong every timeeee. and instead you are the one that consistently fucking assumes the worst of me as a person, with 0 grace. like okay sure you keep telling me this One Thing, when you like repeatedly demonstrate that you do not think that at all and ironically its even more like insulting that you think im that fucking stupid i cannot even assess That Situation.

and maybe im like the crazy cynical and paranoid bitch but half the time its like i feel like people just want to stroke their own god damn ego and im naught but the charity case for that fucking aim like its like you dgaf for real for real but its also like why can people just not fucking be honest and direct with their fucking horseshit and with themselves and with me and quit the fucking . .... blargh im fucking sick of everything all the fucking time is anyone insane right now. walks abck and forth walks back and forth im pacing im the paccerrrrrrrrrrrr i cannot fucking handle fucking anything like this i feel so fucking little as a fucking person and i dont know why im even trying to fucking handle or care about any of it when its insurmountable all of the fucking time and im not getting anything but angry and upset ALLL OF THE TIMEEEE GOD HELP ME CHRISTTTT

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for dating Natasha Romanoff

Natasha Romanoff x reader

warnings: knife/gun/violence/death mentions

a/n: ILY EM

prompt: @the-radio-star: “wait ok can i request headcanons for dating natasha romanoff?! I saw you were looking for more natasha requests :D”

you were a SHIELD agent and clint’s partner sent to take nat down

you were desperate to finish this mission but thank goodness clint was there to stop you

“y/n, we’ve gotta give her a chance. she deserves it”

“clint, we have a mission to complete”

he apprehended her, disobeying the shoot-to-kill order, which you were upset about at first

but natasha didn’t seem as heartless as they said she was

“i can tell you want me dead. it’s okay, lots of people do”

“just following orders”

“so was i”

clint and you were assigned to her by nick fury himself, helping “the black widow” out of the rogue assassin role and into a domestic assasin <3

you began to warm up go natasha, though, which surprised you a lot

clint ended up taking off to be with his family for a while, so it was just you and her

nat and you learned a lot about each other (as a trust exercise)

“well, uh, have you had any pets, ms. romanoff?”

“i have not had any pets. but there was a rat living underneath my bed when i was younger”

“oh”

time actually slipped right past the two of you, as you ended up talking all night

“what time is it?”

“um...oh, it’s four a.m.”

“really? we’ve been talking all this time?”

as time went on, she began flirting less and less subtly

you weren’t opposed to it

it was obvious to clint

you and nat got sent on your first mission together to prove she was loyal to SHIELD and she ended up taking a bullet for you

you thought she was going to die, you couldn’t stop freaking out

but she was amused by your concern

“are you like this with all the agents or just me?”

kissing her just to get her to stop making fun of you

“i’m gonna say you only do this with me? i sure hope so”

fury knew this shit was gonna happen, actually he was planning on it

“you two make a great team, no doubt will you be an amazing couple”

the agents have been shipping yall since the beginning

you were already close with clint’s family, but now natasha was getting the chance to meet them!

“daddy, who’s that girl with the red hair?”

“that’s y/n’s girlfriend, lila! her name is natasha”

“aunt natasha!”

more missions with natasha because you do great together

unspoken movements that flow together so well

when she’s away on her own, she calls you (or messages you) every night to tell you about her day and how stupid her target is

easy peasy

the avengers initiative was activated and you were apart of it, along with nat

so now you guys were a mf power couple

nat was totally soft on you compared to everyone else dhshshha

they were stunned

“loveeee youuuuu, y/nnnnn”

the hand holding mhm yes

tony poking fun at your relationship

“say that again and i’ll cut your eyes out, stark”

“nat, please, no. knife away”

thor thinks your relationship is adorable

and he’s so genuine about it!!

“you two fight your battles together! such a strong bond that cannot be broken! i wish the two of you nothing but happiness!”

nat is a cuddler i swear

if she’s not cuddling you she has to cuddle a pillow so she hates being away from you

making jokes about “engagement firearms”

“be serious, nat, if i proposed to you with a pistol would you still say yes?”

“y/n, if you handed me an old shoe and asked me to marry you i’d probably still say yes”

constantly looking out for each other

she likes to lay on your lap

“i thought you were the black widow, not the black cat”

getting her some of her favorite food :)

nat loves wendy’s

you make jokes abt how she should be wendy for halloween dhahahhah

ahhhh she loves you so much its so cute

especially bc of the minor ways she shows affection, you know its for real

like she’ll walk up behind you and wrap her arms around your waist and put her chin on your shoulder and hum

you love hearingher tell you she loves you in russian

its the sweetest thing

she grabs your hand and puts it on her head so that you’ll play with her hair

because SERIOUSLY SHE LOOOOOVES PHYSICAL AFFECTION SHE NEEDS IT

you make her feel all tingly inside!!

“babe you’re the best thing that’s ever happen to me”

she’s a spy and you know she has to play another “character” but when she was on the run from HYDRA she kissed steve and he STILL cant look you in the eye because he feels bad no matter how many times you tell him that it’s not a big deal and literally they were trying to throw off bad guys its FINE

“im sorry, y/n”

“steve you’ve never done a thing wrong its OKAY”

you know she’s capable of taking care of hereee but you are always so terrified whenever nat’s in the slightest bit of trouble

you’re prepared to die for/with her

“think it’ll be okay”

“as long as im next to you”

going on the run with her after all the bad blood between tony and steve

it was like a very long and stressful vacation

but there was something undeniably romantic about sharing a shitty hotel with a loved one

“want to order some pizza and watch friends?”

“of course”

she loves adding an element of domesticity to her life

but it always feels weird to her

fighting thanos together what terrifying, you wouldnt gave anything tonsee that she was safe after this

thankfully both of you lived

“nat, are you okay?!”

“yeah, im okay. dont worry”

spending the next 5 years together at the avengers compound and just keeping each other afloat through it all

“can you give me a kiss before i start crying again”

“i’ll give you as many as you want”

helping her distract herself through it all

“i dont know what i did to deserve you, y/n”

when there was some hope, you guys took a leap of faith to save the other half of the population

“see you in a minute”

“you can count on it, love you”

(i dont wanna go any further i might cry shahhaha)

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @allthecreativeonesaretaken // @frostedgiant // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual //

[moonlightchn]

~WHOLESOME WEDNESDAY~

Not to be a soft motherfucker but I've been wanting to do this again for a week now so I guessed I would try my best to fit as many of my thoughts here as I can without being annoying or tumblr fucking up plz bear with me heh but we know none of those are actually possible anyway so THERES THAT also this is fucking long wow ANYWAY

WARNING WORD VOMIT sjsjsjsj I dont even know what i wrote I'm sorry but I'm tagging yall anyway

Some of you I speak to on a daily basis, yknow? Like,, as admin. And its fucking insane because like- I don't know but like isn't it insane? sjajsjsj How fast some people come to grow in your heart and get under your skin and become so important for you. I think it's crazy. That in four months or so I've made more friends in here that in my whole life and I've learned so much about life and myself and I've gotten marked and some of you imprinted on my mind and heart forever. And like HELL I wasn't here when most big dramas happened but I was here for two very big ones and like??? idk it feels like all of us have been through shared crises and somehow grown closer sjajskwjs idk I'm weird and im sensitive today and I just feel like wow what would I be doing without all of you right now? probably studying. or scrolling Twitter in which I never spoke to anyone. or watching Instagram stories and getting sad over how all my ex class partners are still in contact and hang out and keep strong relationships while I just sit here. like, I know we all say this place sucks and we hate it and its toxic and don't get me wrong of course some people is fucking shitty and they take a toll on a lot of others but that like... it also happens in real life yknow?? but like in real life how many people do you think would actually idk sit with you through a panic attack or stay up with you till 8am or wake up in the middle of the night or rave with you or hype you up or have meme wars or send you daily jokes or just randomly tell you how much you mean to them or make posts asking where you are when you disappear or been gone for too long or make people that doesnt know you send you birthday wishes? like I'm not saying it doesnt happen but isnt it wonderful that it happens HERE with US where maybe out of 10 people only 2 know each other in real life? Isnt it wonderful that we're from all around the world? that you half of the time dont realize someone isnt from English speaking places because they're too good or even when they're not that good no one judges you because this is such an inclusive and wonderful place for people of all races and colors and sexualities and nationalities and body types and hair colors?

idk I'm just RAMBLING but like I wanted to let everyone know that even if we dont speak, even if we NEVER spoke, even if we're only on each others tag lists, or even if I was and you took me off or I took you off or if you deleted or if you have 817383 bots and you speak to me in all of them or only one or whatever PLEASE just know that I love you so much and I appreciate you and you're awesome and if you made some mistakes know that you CAN fix them you CAN learn and be better you CAN grow.

I believe that everyone is capable of learning and changing and everyone deserves a second chance as long as they genuinely show the intention of changing and bettering themselves. I believe that we're capable of forgiving and maintaining healthy relationships without hard feelings. I believe we all have goodness. I believe we all are small universes and we have stars in our eyes and supernovas in our brains and a million things to discover and I believe its funnier to be together than alone and I'm rambling again but like idk just yesterday I was sending someone a message telling them how maybe I'm fucking delusional and naive because who the fuck goes out on their daily saying "be skeptical. dont trust too much. always pay attention" but then after two days of talking with someone they're fucking platonically whipped and would sell their soul as long as they can see those around them happy? trick question I know many of you do too which WORRIES ME PLZ DONT PUT YOUR HEARTS ON THE LINE SO EASILY I drifted I forgot what I was saying oh welp

Anyway for some of you i have so much to say I could write endless paragraphs about you about admins and characters and life and wow I do speak a lot to admins sometimes I speak more to admins as admin that the characters and for some others I can only say a few things or wish you to have a good day some of you I only ever spoke to your character or we talked too little or never at all wow I say that a lot but like one thing yall have in common is that I love you so much even if you don't know me or dont care alright I dont care if you don't care I LOVE YOU and you can FIGHT ME if you dont wanna accept it smh I just want you to know that this place so many of you have been feeling is crumbling down or hurting them or isnt the same anymore is MY safe place too is a place where I feel comfortable and secure and I know, well decide to believe, that you guys would never do willingly anything to hurt another and yknow sometimes I just sit in bed and look at my account and I'm like wow I suck I should delete but then I'm like I could never do that to you I really couldn't because I've been told so many times I'm peoples safe place too and I would never want to take that away from you yknow

I mean I'm not gonna say we shouldn't pay attention to the bad things that happen because this is somehow our home and it's on us to protect it but I think that we shouldnt focus so much on it. because theres still so many good things that we overlook when we think of the bad or when we let things get to us or when we decide to act out of impulse and not think through stuff yknow

ANYWAAY what I'm trying to say is that I love you all so so so so so much and this is my safe place because you're here for me when I need it and I would never give you guys up for anything and like i have so many people for whom i stay daily and try my best and I hope that someday when you need a reason i can be that for you too because I've said this in private but I want everyone to know that this is my corner too and I will always fight for it and protect it so like we can all fight for it together whenever things get rough or you can leave me alone and maybe I'm being super dramatic and putting a lot of weight on this but I started overthinking like halfway and in just tthink that I want to keep yall close to me and my heart forever ok so stay safe and healthy and happy yeah fight for your happiness fight for what you deserve fight for what you want and don't let anyone ANYONE EVER take away from you your joy and your spark and your will to be yourself ok bye

[maskedjoker]

We are getting really close to the scene in lost fragment of snow that was genuinely confusing in the book, and it's the scene were everyone in the circus is killed. I think what we will probably get is a scene were mana finally ends up giving into despair after he is hit and then allen is fed to a lion.

I think that with more current info, i can say for sure that sleeve earl and mana are a hybird. This will likely cause a resurgence of sleeve earl into taking over the body and becoming whole. This only lasts for a short time however and when cross confronts him after the rest of the circus has died from the audience turning into akuma(which i suppose are implied to be constantly just around the earl and is probably one of the many reasons cross warned Allen to stay away) some exchange of words or damage causes a lots of control. This damage however also hurts mana(or potentially just being forced out off control) causing him to loose even more memories as seen when mana and Allen reunite the next day.

Now i think we can agree that sleeve earl exists as a third entity, especially since her recent art exhibit interview, as she talked about the suit being a super sophisticated golem. I think in this case as with tim and lero yhat "golem" refers to AI. Id argue with the weird phrasing like helix of life and all the biotech style that magic is more often than not just more advanced technology, and wherever the noahs came from likely was, hence why they say they only seem strong because we have become so weak. This is only further shown with innocences resemblance to machines like its gear like parts and percentage resonance.

The noah memories in general i think are some kind of AI that passes through generation lines, carrying significant portions of its past forward and then fusing with a similar person in their lineage. For example early on road would have been just road, then through some means either became an AI(or was given a piece of someone that counts as one under golem, its unclear). Regardless once connected to the noah memory, it acts like a save file and becomes more sophisticated with time. It carries each life and gives all those memories, feelings and drives to a new body. So new road would remember being road, her life and everything, but also the life they had been living up until the two combined. Over time the noah memory keeps getting larger and larger to the point new experiences are so small, relatively speaking, that it overrides much more than normal. Since they are fuzed as one being they likely cant be separated without mutually assured destruction, were the current entity will die and any remains will not be the origionals, if anything remains at all. An example of this is that tyki could not be made human by Allen I their fight i the arc, despite having a blade that should destroy only part of him. Admittedly tyki is a special case though, and more tyki backstory is needed.

Changes from body to body become more subtle, but the base, which likely has a distinct core function as seen by its response to certain tasks and ideas, remains a strong aspect. This creates an almost reincarnation like effect for them, needing to only find a new body to continue.

The suit is like this, but different. I don't know how the original earl split, but i do think that some aspect of him was placed on the suit. I would like to say its the original version of the noah memories of the earl and nea got like a brand new copy, but i actually have no idea what memories he has of being past earl so its mostly a guess. Regardless the noah actually all seem to transform in some way when they get mega pissed. Im looking at you skinn, jasdevi, and tyki/joyd. So the suit is likely that kind of thing, but way more distinct and capable of acting autonomously. Since they all have different forms it makes sense that his would also be unique. They all probably represent some inner desire related to their memory. Skinn is just rage so big angry man works fine. Jasdero and devit are bonds so they want most to be one. Tyki got all fucked up before he changed so i got nothing, but it had a heavy does of sadism, which I guess is pleasure? Taking into account that killing in horrible graphic ways is his guilty pleasure it kinda makes sense.

So because of that, this sentient AI is constantly trying to pair with half a fucking brain because nea and mana only share one brain cell. Some kind of resistance from mana or strain causes him to constantly fall ill or comatose. Now to be clear on naming, sleeve earl does not refer to themselves as adam in the mirror scene nor does he refer to mana as adam, and only uses "we" when talking to mana about being the earl. Oddly enough the earls self pronouns are we, using wagashi which is kind of like the japanese equivalent of the royal we used in europe for the entirety of the series. For the record, mana in the flashbacks uses male or single they pronouns, i don't remember if he uses boku or watashi, but he uses at least one if not both.

So from this it seems millennium earl is a title, used by whatever is paired with the suit. Adam is the original name of the noah, and is the preferred name of the current earl aside from the title.

This circumstance was likely caused by the rest of the noah, who are using the earl for something related by the pillar. His separation either by accident or by intent was likely by the hands of his family trying to keep control for their ends. This is why the current earl is called a broken puppet and has so many things around him related to acting and stage plays. He is playing a role, the red clown to allens white clown as stated in the ark arc. He even wears a mask. His memories and mind have been damaged though, therefore broken. However broken puppet for both allen and the earl could also refer to a puppet that doesnt work as a double meaning, implying they can no longer be controlled or puppeted.

It is also implied that he is still unaware of this betrayal, but it is likely nea does to some degree as it would explain why he became a traitor and killed his own family. To be clear, i dont think all of the noah know everything, and i dont think they dont actually care for the earl. It seems they still genuinely follow him to their death and see him as one of their own, especially in cases like road, tyki and wisely.

Now early i said that different generations of noah would cope woth reincarnating differently. Since the earl only died once before 7000 years ago, id say resetting to a new body with only 17 years would be just smashed flat by any algorithm with that much data. However manas feelings are still the newest, and so still have an impact even on the current earl.

Now we come to resurrecting mana. How? Why? Well i dont know. But my guess is whatever part was the memories of mana for the 20 or so years he lived, or at least his memories at death, are in allen. His curse and weird hallucinations of mana seem to suggest it. Alternatively that part of his soul may have passed on, or it fuzed with the noah memory making the origional mana part of the hive and much like tyki and his noah memories cannot be seperated. Not good regardless.

As two additional things, i want to mention that hoshino is a twin and has always been obsessed with it, so having twins in her book was inevitable. What is extra weird is hoshino was actually going to be a triplet, but either her or her sister absorbed it before birth. She has mentioned it in dgm interviews and i cant PROVE it translates to anything in the plot but its suspicious. She also still list mana, nea and the earl as distinct in every book up to date in extra novels and at the start of her books. Oh and her favorite hat for the earl right now? The one featured on the most recent chapter? Has two faces on the front that are visible, and one in the back thats hidden, and the most recent art has the back face as the only one visible, angrily staring allen down. Great art foreshadowing if im right. Its also usually sleeve earl, if not exclusively, that wear it.

The second thing is mana talking about love and drive in the most recent chapter just brings up the earl having the noah memory of love or devotion or something for me. Ive written about it before but it just seems to fit. This character is all about that from the ability to fuze loved ones together to the hearts he talks with and his drives being based on grand acts of devotion, being by their side etc. Mana also loved and adopted both and dog and a homeless child and keeps talking about how the world is so beautiful despite all the bad. The earl literally acts like the whole noah clans mom by his own words and cooks for them, and both of them go out of their way to be cartoony to break tension. The earl literally goes and buys a single red rose from a poor girl while tyki pontificate on how he doesnt act like a villain. He doesnt take an umbrella because he wants to feel the rain. He talks about how what he does is in human nature and requires a connection between two people. He is even designed with his ideal colors as red and purple with white, as well as being designed after flowers. I know this probably doesnt make sense, but its stuck in my head.

[princessselene126]

Hey yall, emotional abuse, physical pain (not self harm, just illness pain), brief mention of periods, and shitty parents tws coming up.

So i generally try to keep my personal life off here unless I won’t be posting for a while and want to let you know why (like i did with my ear infection.), but I’m having a really bad week and a half and desperately need to vent. Feel free to completely ignore this because I don’t expect anyone to respond, I just need to get everything off my chest--although any suggestions as to what the fuck I should do are more than welcome.

My dad and stepmom have been controlling any emotionally abusive for pretty much my entire life--because you know, abuse doesn’t just start randomly and it’s not something that you can easily fix.

Anyway. When I went home for my ear infection, my stepmom got kinda mad about it. Mad might be the wrong word, controlling is probably better. I didnt tell her or my dad that I was coming home to see the doctor for a few reasons:

I knew if I told them, they’d tell me i should tough it out and go to class

They’d say that i was being over dramatic and that it couldn’t possible hurt that bad

They’d ask why I couldn’t have seen a doctor in Milwaukee (where my college is and 1.5 hours from home), why I needed to come home for something like that.

So I didn’t tell them. While I was home my stepmom texted me asking how I was doing. At the time she didn’t know I had an ear infection or that I was home, so of course like the idiot I am, I was honest and told her I came home sunday night. Seriously I think honesty is my fatal flaw. She, of course, asked why and I told her that “I cant think right now, let alone take a bus somewhere I’ve never been before. I tried to get into the dr at school, but they dont have any openings until wednesday.” I was able to get into my doctor at home on monday, two full days before I would have been able too at school, so it seems logical that id go home right? I couldnt hear out of my right ear anyway, so it’s not like I would have been able to pay attention in class and actually learn anything. 

She drops it or that day.

But my stepmom, being my stepmom, of course texts me back a few days later (fthursday or friday i think) because she thinks that I should have tried harder to find a doctor here. She said, and I fucking quote this entire goddamn text 

Hey so I just want to clarify with you ... you could have gone to a dr there you know? You guys didn’t have to come all the way home and back. good lord. Just find a clinic thats an urgent care or er. you might have had to pay more out of pocket, but so what? And you have 2 insuraces, so that wouldve helped more too. Just saying. So I thought I’d let you know instead of doing all that craziness back and forth. Make it easier on yourself next time kiddo.

And this has me fucking livid because:

I literally explained to her why I didn’t find someone in Milwaukee days before. 

She’s insinuating that it’s too inconvenient for my mom to come get me.

And my stepdad had off on tuesday, so he gladly took me back too school. No questions asked. No complaints. He even bought my antibiotics for me (which I was totally prepared to pay the $10 for myself) before we left.

She’s talking down to me as if I had no idea that I could do this.

I can’t afford to pay more out of pocket right now, even if I might (read: MIGHT) get reimbursed for it later.

Going home literally WAS making it easier on myself.

So I send a screenshot of this text to my mom of course, and she replies almost immediately just going off. My mom and I havent always had the best relationship (she has some emotionally abusive habits too, but she knows about most of them, acknowledges them, and tries her best to fix them), but I know that she will always be there for me. She’s that person who will drive an hour and a half just to come make sure someone is okay, and she has done so 2-3 times in my 2 years at college. She doesn’t care if I’m 45 and living on the other side of the country, she will drive or by a plane ticket to hep me if/when need it. So my mom is beyond pissed off that my stepmom would ever imply that coming to get me, take care of me, is an inconvenience.

I reply a simple “i know” to my stepmom, because I know better than to give her a long winded explanation. She’ll just come back at me with an even longer block of text basically telling me how wrong/stupid i was to not just see a dr in the area.

And of course, of fucking course, she replies with a long block of text anyway basically telling me the same fucking thing. She does this several times and I keep doing the “i know” “yeah” “okay” thing because I just didn’t have the fucking ENERGY you guys. 

But then she says 

my goodness you’re a peach sometimes. Just trying to help and maybe you guys didn’t think of that. 

So by this point in time my patience was completely GONE. I have absolutely none left. I know when my stepmom calls me a peach it’s just her “nice” way of saying “you’re being a fucking bitch.” ((Keep in mind this entire time I was taking screenshots and sending them to my mom so she could be mad with me.)) And so I fucking went off in the nicest way possible. I tell her

no, you’re trying to be in control of the situation that had absolutely nothing to do with you

I was going to just try going to a dr the next morning, but then my mom called and I was crying and she asked if I wanted to come home, so I said yes. It wasn’t an inconvenience to her, though it feels like you’re trying to make it seem that way. And [stepdad] had off so he was easily able to take me back.

I’m not an idiot, im an adult fully capable of doing things myself. But i also recognized that I needed help and accepted it when my mom noticed I did as well

Because yes. I was in so much pain that I was actually crying from it. I usually have a decent pain tolerance (horrific period cramps will do that to a person), but for some reason whenever I say that I’m genuinely in pain my stepmom never seems to think it could be “that bad.” And... that’s exactly how that went. I was soooo prepared to just tough it out and wait until Wednesday if I absolutely had to. But then my mom called and I may be 20 years old but there are those times when you’re an adult and you just need your parent. You need your parent to tell you it’s going to be okay. You need your parent to hold and comfort you. You need your parent to take you to the dr. And for me this was one of those times. I so very rarely ask for help but this time i needed it, and there’s no reason for my stepmom (or anyone) to make me feel like I should be ashamed of that.

So she said something brief to that and I didn’t reply back. Ne next moring she sends me another text starting off with something along the lines of “I’m hurt by how you treated me last night...” and I didn’t read the rest because I knew it would make me mad. I did, however send a screenshot to my mom again.

The next day I call both my mom and my paternal grandma to talk about this entire conversation.

My mom thinks that I should cut off ties with them for at least a few months because this has been overwhelming me so much. I agree with her, but I’m concerned about my younger siblings (not that they’ll get hurt or anything, but that I won’t be able to see them) and also my aunt is getting married in may.

And my grandma was livid too. She’s never liked my stepmom because she’s always thought that she’s treated me like shit. (For a long time i mistakenly believed that my stepmom was a better person than my mom, but I was an impressionable child/teenager then). My grandma and I talked about times when stepmom made me feel bad about myself or treated me as lesser than my half siblings. And my grandma agrees that I should keep my distance, but she asked me to not cut ties, and to keep a decent amount of peace, until after my aunt’s wedding.

Which I understand. I get it. I love my aunt a lot and I truly dont want to cause any problems at her wedding, she deserves the world. But at the same time I don’t know how much longer I can take this you guys. I’m supposed to go to a water park for a night with my dad, stepmom, and siblings during my spring break (it was a christmas present from my dad to the family) and I’m absolutely dreading it. I don’t want to go. My mom says I should just lie and say I have to work, but again, fatal flaw here is honesty, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that. I want to see my siblings too, but I really need to start taking care of myself.

I’ve spent far too long worrying about my family even after not living at home for the last two years. I need to take care of myself. I do. But I honestly don’t know how to do that without causing a family feud in the process.

And the reason this was all triggered again today (after not having talked to anyone on my dad’s side since saturday) is because I got a call from a random number while I was in class today. It was a call from my home city and whoever it was left a voicemail. In the back of my mind I started worrying that it was my dad and that he wanted to talk me into not being upset with my stepmom (he’s a terrible person too but that’s a rant for a different day).

I have yet to listen to it because the idea of talking about this with him makes me nauseous. At the same time, not knowing who called is making me overwhelmingly anxious. I don’t know what would be best:

Ignoring the voicemail, or listening to it and potentially having to talk to my dad?

Toughing out being around my family until after the wedding, or risk causing a family feud by cutting ties?

I just... I’m so lost you guys.

[amazingmichelleman]

Tell me your opinions on BatB 2017 (it's one of those things where left to myself I'll dislike it, but I am capable of flipping a mental switch and appreciating a bunch of things about it. ("Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes."))

i know its been like 15 years since you sent this but here we go. I liked the beauty and the beast live action movie for three main reasons. 1.) more detailed individual character growth 2.) good updates to the music 3.) gastoni mean, everything that people complain about is totally right, theres a lot of wonky stuff in the movie but idk i still just think its funand as a note before i start getting into it, i realized one big thing i liked when i watched linsay ellis’s video on youtube when she complained bc there wasnt very much romance but THATS WHY I LIKED IT LOL. the movie is more concerned with belle’s and beast’s individual character growth than their romance AND TBH if this movie had gone the way of maleficent and purposely shunned romantic love for the power of platonic love honestly that would have been a MUCH stronger plot line. beast and belle had real bff vibes. ah what could have been...

ok so 1.) character plots. this was a very 50/50 split bc gaston and beast got well developed arcs, belle only got like half way through hers before it was dropped, and the servants was like.....you didnt even try did u.gaston ill get to later, but the beast i loved cause he had more lines where he was just being chill and not sad or angry, unlike in the original. his story was very much about unlearning toxic masculinity and stopping the cycle of abuse from his dad, and i thought that was way cooler than the “changed by belle’s love” trope. they seemed a lot more like friends and shared common interests in books. and like. when beast scoffs at belle cause she likes a “girly” book like romeo and juliet but then she catches him reading it and enjoying it later? thats good stuff man. thats gooood stuff. 

and just like. the song where hes singing to his mom “not until my whole life is done will i ever leave you.....” AND THEN HIS MOM DIES AND HIS DAD LEADS HIM AWAY reblog uf u crie evry tiem.... and then when they go thru the book thing and he’s like Oh Paris I Love Paris What Shall We See First!!! an absolute cutieBelle’s story really started going somewhere and im mad that it just ended like “figured out my origin story so guess im cool now” like no. they had a really good line in the song that went “i was innocent and certain, now im wiser but unsure” and then that’s never resolved! like belle has always been such a cool character who didnt let beast walk all over her and when he finally figured out her boundaries, thats when they could start to communicate like hello?? awesome woman alert and you just let that drop?? and everyone says that belle’s backstory abt her mom wasnt needed and theyre probs right but the scene where beast is like Paris?! meanwhile belle brooding in the background. good stuff. belle’s song, the plague doctor, her dad being forced to leave his wife behind.........................good food man good foodand the servants everyone has talked abt. the whole “it was our fault the beast was abused” nonsense, plus in general their line abt “whats a servant without serving”, and that evil village lady reuniting with cogsworth and its played off as a joke, like why do you gotta do these good men and woman dirty like that2.) music?? good!!!! good music. days in the sun? good. gaston song?? good!! kill the beast!!! so good. it was all good.3.) Gaston!!!!!!!!!! a problematic fave wow!!! i think what really makes him good is the actor choice. i generally dont care abt actors so i dont know anything abt the man, but he seems like a good guy ya know. if the actor was sketch playing a bad character id be like ew but cause the actor seems nice and hes playing a bad character im like whoohoo!! is that weird? idk whateverGaston’s descend into evilness is like. the character arc of the decade my man. the way you expect him to do his douchey thing in the beginning like in the original, but he’s actually not that bad, and u know he DOES have a point abt spinsters not able to thrive in this time period, like guilt tripping not cool, but he didnt say “women shouldnt read!!” so thats a step upand he like. genuinely wanted to win her over by helping her dad. like he really tried but belle’s dad really pushed all his villain buttons man! so he did a bad thing like not cool dude. and then!!!! then he’s got to stick with it and defend himself against the townspeople. they’re not madly in love with him so he’s got to MAKE them that way. the way he turns around that conversation was SO good and roping lefou in against his will and jumping on the kill the beast thing to save his own skin. and from there he’s just gotta keep going!! he’s gotta hunt down the beast not just for belle but for himself and his standing in the village. like i just thought that whole spiral was done SOOO well. best part of the movie tbh. and even tho lefou’s sexuality was problematic, it really added to his and gaston’s arcs of one person becoming evil and their close friend jumping ship on the situation bc they know that their loved one is wrong.so like. yeah. live action beauty and the beast, man.

[geraltcirilla]

hey - i dont wanna start anything, i just wanted to ask sth to someone that seems rather fair (from what u post): i havent seen the ep (im not putting myself thru that bullshit) but i saw a parallel circulating, between dannyxjon and cerseixeuron; the dudes kneeling, ladies touching their face. it was so exactly the same, i am seriously wondering wtf is up??? are we supposed to make some kind of connection here?

i wouldn’t think anything of it but it was such a copy paste parallel, uknow. and theyve been telling us for like, a season and a half that danny and jon genuinely care about each other. am i supposed to start doubting that now? anyway i just wanted to ask SOMEONE (i dont know anyone on the fandom so youre king of my designated vent-bloger, apologies for that) have a good week, friend.

I actually haven’t scene that parallel so IDK how to respond to this??

Edit: Actually I think I know what specific scenes you are referring to so I think I can still comment. It’s not the same because when Cersei is touching Euron’s face she is manipulating him but when Dany is touching Jon’s face she is pleading to him, begging him, for her life and her throne. There is nothing manipulative about how she’s breaking it down to him, she’s being the most raw and honest self she has ever been to him.

//

As for like, the “they genuinely care about one another” thing, I think they do. I believe they do. But it’s more complicated than that.

Ok so I don’t really like talking about Jon and his relationships because I’m really only here for Gendrya. That’s all I care about. And there’s so much controversy and strong opinions about Jon’s love life and as someone who has little to no stake in it I don’t wanna get swept up in the chaos. But you know what? Whatever.

I’m putting this under a read-more though ‘cause I’m a coward lol.

In my opinion, Jon/erys never would have worked by the very nature of the fact they are aunt/nephew. Incest in this show has NEVER had a happy ending. It’s not meant to. Villains are the ones committing incest and even their relationships end in devastation. Look at how incest absolutely destroyed Jaime Lannister, a man who had the potential and capability of great good. A man who cared when a queen was being raped by her husband when no one else did, who cared when his father ordered the deaths of Princess Elia and her babies, who protected Brienne from being raped and values and admires honor. It made him the lowest form of scum on the Earth. It really just destroyed everything good he was and left nothing but revulsion and repulsion. And look at how incest absolutely decimated the Targaryens? Their line is basically gone. They’re over. And their incest is to blame for their downfall. (Their insanity is what turned the people against them and their insanity was a genetic result of the inbreeding.)

We knew before Jon and Dany ever met they were related, so we were warned long before their first kiss this was a mistake. And then during their first and only love-making scene we have Bran talking over it about how Jon’s name is Aegon Targaryen and he’s the heir to the Iron Throne. That was a huge, blinking neon sign that they were fucked. The whole love making scene was incredibly foreboding.

There was no universe in my mind where this worked out. I would not compare it to Euron/Cersei, because that’s entirely different. That’s just some gross ship we’re all a victim to being forced to witness.

Jon/erys is more of a continuing statement that the writers  are trying to make, that they’ve been making this whole time: incest ruins lives. It ruins anyone and everyone it touches. It ruined the Targaryens. It ruined the Lannisters. It’s ruined Jon and Dany.

[xuune]

Dang mate, I gotta say that your art is some of the best I've ever seen and I always find myself on the edge of my feet staring at anything new you post cause I can't wait to look at it. Heck you deserve a whole lot more then nice comments. That's just all half of us can give you so we have to settle for that when we wanna like, shower you with glitter and shake your hand or something. Good gravy shaking your hand would be surreal. I love your art, can you tell? Lol.

my guy i cant even emphasize more on how i could tell this message was more than just 100% genuine, and it means a lot to me when i read these long messages that express so much wholeheartedness into it. i dont even know how to properly go in depth with how i felt about your message when i read it. like shit dude even if there was a possibility for you to shake my hand youd have to wait until i actually do tabling at conventions or some shit, and thats something i actually wanna do some day. maybe one day i would be able to meet some of you and talk or something idk. but even then im shit with talking with people since im just one of those people who usually dont have a lot to say unless theres actually something going that could keep our conversation rolling. not to mention, im really self conscious about the impressions i make on people so theres that lmao. 

as much as i want to convince myself or have myself understand that people do actually like the art i create, everything just goes on a full circle of doubt where i doubt my own skills and capabilities even when i do work on myself to improve. sometimes it doesnt seem like it since what i present here will not always be explicit with the thoughts i have since some of these things i believe is part of no one’s business to care about unless i wish to address it or just shout it to some void.

i wont always be able to tell what people on the other side of the screen is thinking, so with that too its just hard to convince myself that people enjoy the things i make (and more so the reasoning on why nice comments through inboxes just catch me “off guard”). this sounds selfish, even while im typing this right now, but just seeing nothing in terms of comments on the posts i create just doesnt have me believe that people actually like it. if the notes are just reblogs with no actual comments or thoughts mentioned in on it, then i just wont see what i created as having actual value (”value” being the feedback i get and the opinions expressed by the people that saw it). i will only see the number of notes as just a mere number, not as people explicitly showing me that they genuinely enjoyed the content. and yea, theres the things with ppl using tags and putting their comments through that and you could just look through those, but to me, comments added to reblogs, comments itself on the posts, and messages through inboxes or dms just seem more valuable in terms of feedback; its more straightforward and open. so when people actually directly say how they feel about my art, it puts it on a whole new level for me in a way. im pretty shit with explain this whole thing on how im perceiving it, but i hope you and others reading this get what i really mean with this. 

most of the time, i tend to find more value in seeing the feedback i get on tumblr than the ones i see on ig due to the fact that comments on tumblr are just so much more rare for me since tumblr’s system is based primarily on reblogging and tagging. sending something in through the inbox can be something intimidating for people, especially when theres no anonymous option, and i get that, but if i see a comment, then damn, thats just something that makes me go “woah, someone commented”. my surprise from that comment would just increase if the person commenting would mention further on how they felt about it. sometimes the more you mention just holds a lot of importance to the person reading it and has the person reading it deeply understand further on the feelings the person wants to express. i get the impression that some ppl would think that sending something less concise would be a bother for me, but it really isnt if you want to express more on how you enjoy my art and things like that. just talk to me fully if you want to do that even if it seems like my response to you isn’t long or just seems lacking in response to show equal reciprocation. im just pretty lackluster with words. 

to get this out of the way, and to just mentioning it: my choices of actions here, the way i interact here, will always be different compared to how things are on my ig. some of the things i say here will always stay here, and wont belong on or be mentioned on ig, and i wish for it to be that way. i feel more personal with the people i speak to here, and i enjoy that a lot. through the inbox system, people are being exclusively direct about their message thats intended to grab my attention, and i love that when its someone who wants to express their genuine feelings through giving a compliment. ig’s environment compared to tumblr is just entirely different, and its often because of the vibe from the audience/followers that gets created. comments that get put on a post in ig just makes it seem like the comments are much more for the broader audience viewing it, and that just kind of deprives the idea of sending more personal feedback towards the creator of the content where it is strictly direct. 

so yeah, often times its just harder for me to recognize when people are genuinely enjoying my stuff even when all the signs are there, but all those signs just dont give much of a meaning to it when no one is being explicit about it through words for me to read. its just the feeling that comes with it that makes everything more different about it. 

[gayspock]

ok im going to finish the ep. i genuinely stopped watching but i feel like seething still bc it doesnt even make fucking sense like... & its actively braindead. like again its my whole issue with lee + how they have a genuinely good idea there but they refuse to ever actually explore it properly. like sorry but its so superficial and pthetic...

like oh it could be soo good to watch him reject the military + all of his experiences as a pilot. i would actually love to see him explore politics&the law and to grow past it but thatsnot even whats happening here... theres just a half-assed speech (again, the issue with lee: half the time its characters turning to the camera and describing him, rather than him actually having a personality) and thats it and its like

he isnt rejecting ANYTHING . he isnt growing past his father at all. he's literally just taking up the role bc "hes the man his fathetr can trust"- LIKE IM SORRY, BUT? THATS JUST... INSANE CORRUPTION. IS IT NOT. LIKE I BET THEY'LL HAVE THE CIVVIES BRING THIS UP,A ND PAINT THEM AS BEING "UNREASONABLE/UNRULY" BUT IS THAT? NOT KINDA SUPER FUCKED UP?

THAT LIKE... some dude with minimal political experience is the only person who can be president - not of a country, even, but of the rest of human race - because his daddy is in charge of the military & he's the only one he's okay with being the president. bc adama doesnt LIKE the ELECTED tom zarek... and whilst we've established how bad it is (& adama himself has said) to leverage the god damn military against civilian affairs he can do it when "oh no, now we've gone too far!"...

and like YES tom zarek is also a slimy bastard, and i can understand (even if i dont agree with) the "concept" of more "decisive" measures in times of crises (and might i add i dont agreeee with it<3) and its funny bc they have kinda done that WELL sometimes. roslin trying to fix the vote, for example- i think they demonstrated well that was a fucking. terrible thing to do. no matter WHAT the consequences of baltar winning were bc like... at WHAT point is this just authoritarian as HELL to just have a few chosen, closely guarded people make every single damn decision, because they think theyre the only ones capable ... and dirty hands did a GOOD exploration of how that type of bs affects the actual populace, not just in the decisions in war but the rest of it AND..

ITS JUST SO FUNNY THAT YOU DO ALL THAT AND THEN ITS LIKE... i would again also be okay with them electing lee like this, if they were self-aware of it but its as i said. they seriously gave lee his he's so honest... hes the only man... speech.... and this is like?? FINE? GOOD? THELIKE BE FOR REAL. AND THATS WHY I DONT LIKE HIM AT ALL MAN BC ITS LIKE... its like why i dont like s6/s7 spike either from buffy like sorry to be the guy that only watches 3 shows but its like... bc the Issues with the character & the writers choking on his fucking COCK constantly starts to effect everything else... and maybe they'll fix this . maybe they'll start to work through it with time but ugh its just so frustrating and annoying to watch this when its so clumsily done and theres so much more INTERESTING SHIT. GOING ON. WHY DO WE HAVE TO WATCH THE FUCKING LEE SHOW. WHY DOES IT BECOME ABOUT HIM. EVEN GAIUS BALTARS TRIAL LIKE... I DONT CARE ABOUT LEE. I CARE ABOUT EVERYONE ELSES REACTION TO THIS- BECAUSE THATS AN INSANE TURNING POINT. and the show has DONE some decent wwork even if i havent always agreed with it ive been GOOD with it bc its like well DONE BUT ITS JUST... WHENEVER IT COMES TO LEE ITS SO LAZY. ITS THE ICONIC WHITE BOY WET DREAM IM GONNA KILL HIM SO BAD

i genuinely might stop watching at this point. i hate lee thatmuch

[winteriron-trash]

(I Am) A Little Wicked [Chapter 6]

A/N: Fuuuck. I’m still a hot mess, and so is this chapter. Thank you lovelies for sticking with me through this whole mess. I’m just all over the place right now. Hopefully, the chapter doesn’t suck as much as I think it does. It picks up right where the last one left off. Once again, thank you all for the kind messages and patience you’ve had with me. It means the world. Much love to @lovinthepizzalife for helping to talk me through this chapter and put up with me in general.

Masterlist |  Playlist | Summary/Warnings | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

James. The name felt foreign in the Asset’s head. There was something distinct about it, yet unattainable in the back of his mind. He didn’t know how he felt about being called it. The Asset wasn’t supposed to feel. He was a weapon.

The Asset was undoubtedly malfunctioning.

The Asset looked around the small enclosure he was in for the seventh time during the thirty-two minutes Tony had been gone. If pressed, the Asset could probably find some sort of escape route. But… he wasn’t. It wasn’t the pressing concern right now. For now, the Asset could gather information about his surroundings.

There were footsteps and cheerful humming, then the doorway swung open. “Miss me?” Tony flashed a bright grin. He was balancing a flat box in one hand, with a large bottle of liquid on top if it.

Tony was small, short. He wore ripped denim pants with no shoes, and a red hoodie that hung several sizes too large on his dwarfed frame. He had an easy swagger to him, seeming to have not a care in the world. His smile was too cocky. All in all, he should’ve been a low threat level, at best.

He wasn’t.

The easy look in his eyes never seemed quite… genuine. There were always quick pauses between his sentences, where his gaze went sharp and analytical. It was impossible to tell just what Tony was capable of with such limited information.

“Here.” Tony took a few pieces of pizza out of the box, then slid the rest of the box into the Asset’s enclosure. He did the same with the soda, pouring a little less than half for himself, then giving the rest to the Asset.

The Asset looked at the food then back up at Tony expectantly.

Tony made a face. “Lemme guess you need permission to eat too.”

The Asset arched an eyebrow.

“You can eat. And drink,” Tony said with a groan. “Just don’t gorge yourself.”

The Asset nodded, carefully opening the box. He briefly watched Tony eat a piece of the pizza, folding it in half and biting off the end tip of it. The Asset copied that motion, taking a large bite to chew and swallow.

It had more flavour than the food usually given to him by HYDRA. But the flavour was a luxury a weapon was not allowed. Food, in general, was a luxury. If the Asset needed subsistence, he was usually given nutrients injections directly to the bloodstream. Actual food was only used when absolutely necessary.

Tony ate his own food but still watched the Asset out of the corner of his eye. The Asset ate half of the food given to him, as well as about two-thirds of the drink given. When he finished he looked back up at Tony expectantly.

“What?” Tony arched an eyebrow, wiping his hands free of grease. “I’ve got work to do. You can just… hang out, I guess.”

The Asset sat back, tilting his head to the side. He was being observed, clearly. Oh well. He could observe Tony just as well. Learn more about the man -well, if Tony could even be considered that, he was young- holding him.

Tony picked up the Asset’s metal arm, staring at it with a disapproving him. He ran his fingers over it, starting to take pieces apart, setting them aside.

“An absolute piece of shit,” Tony muttered, to himself, the Asset assumed. “I can’t believe HYDRA thinks this is halfway decent. I could’ve built something better when I was still in diapers.” He glanced at the Asset. “If you end up sticking around, I’m so building you a new and better arm. It’ll be a damned work of art, just you wait.”

The Asset studied Tony, mentally going over what information he knew about him.

Tony clearly had extensive mechanical knowledge, with the way he took the arm apart with ease. Smarter than the HYDRA technicians, at least. He likely had some sort of relation to Maria Stark, the Asset’s failed mission. Judging by the facial structure and general mannerisms, he was likely to be her son.

He was young, if the Asset had to guess, he would place Tony at about eighteen years. His easy swagger and bright smile made it clear he had decent social skills and could probably easily assimilate himself into whatever situation he needed.

Even despite his loose walk, he was clearly trained. To what extent the Asset couldn’t quite tell, he’d need to see Tony actually fighting to quite know that. But he was trained nonetheless.

Above all else, the Asset knew one thing.

Tony was dangerous.

-

“So how are things going with our new friend?” Maria asked when Tony came bounding up the stairs.

Tony smiled. “Better than I thought. He ate without question. Doesn’t seem to be able to get out.”

Maria tilted her head to the side, setting her book down. “And how long do you think that’s going to last?”

“Don’t know yet. Hard to tell if he’s staying because he wants to or because he has to,” Tony admitted. “He’s still not all there. I don’t know how exactly to break him out of whatever HYDRA did to him.

“I’m researching a bit up on Bucky Barnes, maybe if I show him who he was, something in him will snap,” Tony said, shrugging. “After that, I don’t think it’ll take much to sweeten him up. Afterall, you saved him from HYDRA, didn’t you? That’s something to be grateful of.”

Maria nodded. “Just remember to be nice to him. There’s no use in painting yourself as a villain in his eyes.”

“I know, madre.” Tony rolled his eyes.

“Don’t sass me, figlio.” Maria chided. “I have a meeting with the boys tonight. Someone’s scamming money from the rest of us. I think I know who, but I need to confirm my suspicions.”

Tony kissed her cheek. “Stay safe, madre.”

Maria chuckled. “What’s the fun in that, ‘Tonio?”

-

Maria folded her hands over her lap, studying Martinique as he spoke.

“If the individual responsible doesn’t come forward,” Martinique was saying, “then there will be consequences for all parties, which no one wants. If they come forward, I’m sure we can all decide on fair actions to be taken as reparation.”

He looked around. There was silence.

Martinique leaned back in his chair. “I see. Might I remind everyone, liars are not tolerated in this line of business. And a lie by omission is still a lie.”

“Well I don’t see how that would be relevant,” Maria spoke up. All heads turned sharply. Maria studied her nails. “As the one openly lying is you.” Maria looked up, making direct. eye contact with Martinique.

Martinique’s eyes widened. “And what makes you make such an accusation, Ms Carbonell? Might I remind you, you’re still the fresh blood around here. If anyone would step out of line, it’d be you.”

“Deflecting blame,” Smitty said with a harsh laugh. “Has that ever worked for you before? Maria has only ever had honest business here.”

“And I haven’t?” Martinique asked, fingers clenched in a controlled rage.

“Have you?” Maria tilted her head to the side.

Martinique glowered at her. “Yes.”

“Have you?” Smitty repeated, tone firmer.

Martinique didn’t say anything.

“I thought so.” Maria smiled a bit. She turned to the rest of the table, surveying the shocked and angry looks. “So how do you boys suppose we go about this?”

“You know, Maria Carbonell,” Martinique growled. “You’ve been overstepping since the day you walked into this room.”

Maria arched an eyebrow, fiddling with her pearls. “Oh?”

Martinique stood up. “Yes. And especially as a woman in your place, that’s a dangerous thing to do.” He narrowed his eyes. “With such a young son, Anthony is it? You should watch your back. And Anthony’s. Your actions could have consequences for him.”

“Are you threatening my son?” Maria asked, eyes narrowing.

“Yes.” Martinique’s voice was dangerously arrogant.

Maria stood up as well, chair sliding back with an awful screech. “You’re threatening my son. My ‘Tonio.” She tilted her chin up. “Leave. Everyone. But Martinique. We need to have a… discussion.”

There were grunts of complaint and protests, but Smitty moved to clear everyone out, pushing even the most resistant out the door and shutting it behind himself.

“You know,” Maria flipped her skirt up, grabbing the two knives she had holstered to her thighs. “The last person to hurt my ‘Tonio was Howard. I’m sure you know the price he paid for it.” She took a few steps forward. “And he was my husband. Now imagine what I’d do to a man who I didn’t even like.”

Martinique took a step back, going just a shade whiter. “My death would upset the entire balance of things.”

“Would it?” Maria twirled her knife between her fingers. “Or would I just take your place, hm? I honestly can’t say that anyone would miss you. You never were very good at your job anyway.”

Martinique took another step back. “Maria…”

Maria tilted her head to the side and flashed a vicious smile, showing all her teeth. “I hope Il Diavolo keeps you warm in hell.”

-

Almost ten minutes later, Maria walked out of the room, drenched head to toe in blood. She slid her knives back into their holsters. Maria glanced around and couldn’t help but smile at the looks she got.

“I need to go wash up a bit,” Maria hummed. “Would one of you be a dear and clean up the mess in there? That would be lovely. Thank you.”

Maria walked away, heels clicking and leaving bloody tracks with each step.

-

@justjessica131   @smittenkitten143@crazy4thewinbros @madieorally@lazilymysticalzombie@journeythroughtherain @i-dont-know-just-where-im-going@ibreathebooks-42@shiroukun@sonofabitch150@daughter-of-infinity@king-stony@cdragontogacotar@creepycrazyshipper@justaboringlurker @sun-at-midnight @bash-it-all @i-dont-know-anything-and-i-worry@shipeveryonetogether @jampottr@itsall-taken @shadowrayven@cdragontogacotar @shittymoonglasses  @theastraywolf @kahowl-knight @yashaamor  @hufflepuffandcorgi

[introspectionofaqueer]

well shit

i missed ONE singular T shot and got my period. i guess thats what happens when youre on low dose! i was cramping really bad last night n i guess this explains why. it was just a light spotting and im hoping thats all i get, cuz i did my shot on wednesday. i missed the one before that. im hoping having taken the T that recently is enough for it to not be a 'real' period. i get the feeling todays gonna be another lazy day, but thats okay. i spent the last week in go mode trying to keep myself busy and distracted and it worked okay, ive enjoyed having these couple days to finally relax. ive finally stopped worrying about checking in on my ex when and where i can (which was not much, i was checking her snap map location and spotify activity almost RELIGIOUSLY until yesterday). i finally went a whole day without doing that and it honestly feels freeing. i really hope i can get over this shit soon, i want to be friends again. i feel like thats a bad reason to want to get over it tho and doesnt really lend itself to getting over it for real, but in the mean time its a start. i feel pathetic that we've been broken up for nearly a month and im just now finally starting to let go even a little bit. it still really hurts, i thought she was 'the love of my life', or some sappy bullshit. but if it was meant to be, then it would be. i have to focus on feeling whole and complete myself before i can entertain dating, it puts wayy too much pressure on my partner to keep me satisfied and supply my self worth. that has to come from within, unfortunately. i do think our love was real and powerful, and i am still so grateful for having that time with her. even knowing id be suffering like this for weeks, possibly even months, id still run to her again and again to experience a love like that. it felt pure and genuine, i think my earlier fears of being a rebound were simply a reach to have any shred of a reason to get over this quicker. I don't think Niko is capable of a love that isn't genuine. She is calculated and loyal in the way she handles relationships, and i respect that. i just wish i had considered myself and my capabilities concerning love before putting us both through this. i guess i know its not totally my fault we werent able to make it work but i am definitely accountable for my half. i guess we both just wanted it to work so bad we thought the issues wouldn't be issues....until they were. red flags dont look red when youre wearing rose colored glasses. i dont mean to say there were any red flags about each other we should have been aware of, neither of us are like, toxic or anything, but perhaps we should have noticed those red flags in ourselves and surrounding our capabilities of engaging in a loving and healthy relationship. either way, the past is the past. they're still a really important person to me and im so glad i met them, but i cant help but have this fear that we wont connect again even as friends. i guess thats my anxious attachment acting up, worrying that my lack of presence will be enough for her to forget and stop caring about me. she said she would be there for me when im ready though and i have to just trust her, and i do. i trust them more than anyone i've met, despite how little we've known each other. never met someone so honest and genuine. i hope one day we can be the best of friends, and ill get to love her still, even in a different way. because i'll never truly stop loving them, they're an AMAZING person and i really hope i get to keep her in my life. its so rare to find someone who vibrates at the same frequency as me, and i don't want to lose that because i fell head over heels and couldn't realize we needed to stay friends. this ended up being a way longer post than i meant for it to be but i needed to write this because i haven't been writing a lot about how i feel about the situation, even though its the most pressing matter in my emotional world right now.

im having a hard time forgiving myself for taking so long to get over this. like, if i could jsut get over this then we could be friends already. but this has to be about me and my healing, and not what brings me back to her sooner. i have to be okay without her before i can let them back into my life. i can't rush the process and its OKAY that its hurting this bad and taking this long. i really, really loved her. you cant just erase that, even in a month....

[peridipshit]

EDIT: IDK HOW TO MAKE A READMORE ON MOBILE SORRY FOR A WALL

hey hey guys ive been super inactive and theres a reason for that and that reason finally worked out and i cannot fucking begin to explain how good it is ghjklljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjkljhgfdghjklhgfhjkl

read more for a super lengthy overshare of angst and ecstasy

i kno w its fuckin long, its not for anybody but myself bc ye i have adhd myself and dont know how to read sh i t and dont expect anybody to have the patience for this

so, if i start at the beginning, ive had, the hardest period of my life starting around fall 2016. ive been in community college for about 4 years now, and i dont want to list all of the things ive done because it wouldnt reflect the mental emotional and physical exhaustion ive put myself through for all of this work. and all this time i thought it would amount to nothing because a lot of what i was supposed to be doing was pushed away out of fear. i filled up my time with a million impressive things that i genuinely loved and enjoyed, but knew it wasnt the actual work to get into the universities i was so desperate for. i pushed,, all my applications to the week or day before the due date. i had to give up three out of seven universities because of the deadline pressures. 

but my main school, the one that i returned to as the ideal place, but a laughable pipe dream, was the one i worked the absolute hardest for

i needed to do two different applications with a total of uh, 8 or 9 essays? the first round of 5ish essays i submitted the day before, and then the second application, i started the week before and completed the essays and storyboard, and hit the submit button 2 minutes before the deadline. i had two winter semester classes (which both kept me under a no-sleep schedule) and i juggled the application work by night. i ended up with like 3 total hours of sleep in that week. i almost gave up like three times but i remember crying after finding this song which coincidentally reflects the acceptance into the university im now somehow attending. it was the moment to myself that i decided i wanted to push through and grow up

the third round where i almost gave up was when my professor couldnt recieve my emails and i had no other way to contact him during the winter. i came to his office the week school started in spring with a deadline of three days to get my letter completed, and he submitted it an hour and a half before the deadline. i spent that weekend convinced i would just take another year at community college and at home and prepare myself more. i cried after checking my phone when i was walking out of Black Panther because he hadnt submitted it with less than two hours left before my application would have been thrown out. he submitted once i got into the car and refreshed the tab

last month i got an interview with the school of my dreams. i looked up the real statistics and they choose 30 transfer applicants for interview and accept 15. that moment was a rush of disbelief and brief sobbing as i realized that maybe im not crazy and not stupid and maybe just doing good things

that was the longest week of my life, but it wasnt a nervous thing at all. i knew i could nail an interview, it just was practicing. i spent each car ride to school talking to myself for 30 minutes. 

i literally could not have done anything as amazingly as i did in that interview without my friend’s help (hey dude), i was literally hearing that skype notification and have never had my heart pound as hard in my life. two seconds thinking about my friends and everything theyve done for me was like, a reminder that ppl care and have my back and istg that power of friendship anime bs is real my dudes and i couldnt ask for better people in my life 

i rocked it like some kind of word virtuoso person and waited a month for a notification

limbo is wierd

i spent so long knowing i was so, close, but not in a place to celebrate

the day i found out was Of Course as wild as it was, where i was having a panic attack out of everything in the morning that accumulated, i was like near crying in class because the prof was kinda yelling at me and i almost lost my project and had to run about a mile in heels to look for it and i was being hit on by a guy twice my age and i had 2 hours of sleep

but????????? i got into ucIa in their theater film and television school, which is harder than any ivy league school. me and 14 other transfer students. 92 total undergrads in that entire film school. ill be nineteen into my junior year. ill be at the heart of the industry going into animation and able to do practically anything. 

a n d i learned that not only my tuition room and board will be covered, but likely a ridiculous amount beyond that too.

i just. got to a point in my life last year that i knew that i was setting myself up for failure and i thought that if i wasnt improving i was failing and so i put so much onto myself in terms of working that i literally had no time for myself. no time for anything leisurely and no time for shows or movies or games or even friends. the only thing i felt like was my escape was cosplay and i still had that shamed by my family for wasting money and time. i of course had many moments and opportunities to do a few things that i regard very fondly, but overall i had no time to genuinely reflect on the damage that everything had caused. it felt like i had no time to cry ultimately, like some kind of hamster wheel of responsibility and fear. im still recovering now, and i want to be better. i want to do my best for myself and everyone around me. and i want to become someone that can be healthy and be myself. and yknow what im pretty damn proud of where im already at right now 

trying hard to keep coherency but i gotta wake up at 5 for an 8am class tomorrow so this is a lil rushed. its probably corny as hecc, but hell i feel just ok for a second and thats nice. i would never have gotten here with the support around me and like, my friends and family have done so much for me and i could write ten of these rambles on each one of you. you care about me and i care about you guys beyond anything these words can express. (*cough*quinn keira kevin cece*cough* not to say everyone else i know hasnt impacted me because gOd so many lives have done so much for me, i just, hey, love yall) 

my life is finally feeling like something big, ive never believed in the destined for greatness thing, ive just felt Capable of greatness and afraid beyond words of wasting it. and i want to be great for me, i want to be great to others, and i want to be great to the big picture. 

just, holy fuck i love you guys so much and thank you 

things are finally looking ok and i would repay you guys back in to the fullest extent of my hearts adoration and appreciation

[oakmd]

Congratulations ! You received 1,000+ followers !

Continue? ▶YES ▷NO

 Well, I can’t really express anything but amazement at such an accomplishment, and to be honest I’m pretty blown away that so many of you have stuck with me since the beginning of this blog, and that so many of you enjoy Professor Oak enough to stay. I’ll forever stand by the fact that this blog was the best 'joke’ I ever made, and probably one of the most fulfilling things I’ve actively kept at. 

As much as I hope this blog has helped you find comfort and laughter, RPing Professor Oak has definitely changed me for the better, as well. It has given me an outlet to heal parts of myself and provide help to others, and also pushed me to practice positivity even when I know I get so low sometimes that I don’t even want to try. Another bonus is that I have met wonderful people here, most of you just strictly friends on the dash, but I’ve also gained relationships with people that have extended into discord and I’m sure it has made all the difference this past year and a half. 

As usual, I’m not really a fan of long-winded gushes of emotion, so I’ll keep it short, but I would really like to have it be known that my love for Professor Oak has grown tremendously, in ways I would have never reached without taking the time to thoughtfully craft his backstory and work to develop him further. I know he’s a very nostalgic character that so many of us know and respect that I’m always very careful of how I choose to build on the image without ruining what’s already there.  Out of all my many muses here, this one has seemingly ( and surprisingly ) all at once snuck its way as my primary blog; the blog I always look forward to logging into the most, where I enjoy following your activity whether it be IC or OOC, and just generally enjoy being in the presence of people so passionate about a fandom associated with my childhood. I love this little corner of a community that has welcomed me and engaged with me and unknowingly kept me going, and to look back at my experience and see that I’ve had no trouble at all makes me feel really lucky.

There will never be a way to fully and accurately express my thanks, but I will say it anyway: thank you so much, and I hope that no matter where you go, and no matter what you do, you are trying to be your best, and that you’re happy. Professor Oak will always be there to congratulate you when you reach your dreams.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER ( because my mind is so scattered - ) special shout outs to special people: 

@timecapscle - wasn’t it you that said i’d one day get 1,000 followers? : ) you’ve literally supported me since the beginning and i just wanna say that i appreciate your enthusiasm for professor oak as much as i appreciate your enthusiasm for bill. its wonderful to see someone represent an otherwise under represented character and you do it well. i care for you so much, and wish nothing but good things for your future even if you want to do bad things in the name of science

@diligentseeker / @evolutionexpert  - someone i consider a cherished friend, despite how sporadic our interaction seems, i appreciate all our random long talks on discord, and i’ll never forget our very first conversation. it meant a lot to me, and i want to thank you. i dont meet a lot of ppl that i feel ‘get’ me on some unspoken level, so when it happens, its a nice surprise. anyway i won’t ramble because i take it you’re not one for praise, but im glad people like you exist. with that being said please stop making professor elm stress me out.

@undinaes - the moment you’ve been waiting for. SIKE! just kidding; its no surprise that you’re always filling my dash with testimonials from people that see you for what you are. you’re a beam of sunshine with all the qualities to match; warm, bright, and a natural source of energy that brings people together. your passion for writing is astounding and even when ppl dont deserve your kindness, you’re unbiased in giving it out. truly a mom through and through. but most importantly, ur my girlie and im glad we met :v

@ofpalletown - in my mind, you are practically ash, and ill be here to support you even during all your moments of Extra™ ... but aside from that you’re very loyal to your friends and full of something sunny that i can’t describe. ur gonna be okay, kid. so pls stop stressing out ur dear prof oak 

@03redd - i probably mentioned not long ago that your blog is really good, but ill say it again in case you weren’t listening. i love your blog? its very fun to follow, and i think you’re one of my favorite reds. even with me not being game verse, its so easy to just immerse myself in whatever nonsense you have red drag professor oak into. i dig your creative energy. 

@normaliium - and ofc i cant leave out my cousin. the one to be admired, the ever-successful, brilliant human being that loves me even when i take off ten years of your life each night. my life would lack such substance without you, and i will never forget all you’ve done to help me when i would otherwise be left to myself. you make me really proud to know you, you really do, and everyone i ever talk to you about can attest to that. #YOLO

@bossgiovanni - you haven’t been active in forever, but you remain one of my friends and that’s all that matters. from skype to discord, im glad we could stick together even with our blatant differences in opinion. you are always so nice to me and say the kindest things, and i just wanna say thanks. hope youve been doing well! you are capable of so much, and i believe in you, so don’t forget that. 

@agentmansley - can i jsut say thank you for staying true to your muse and throwing even the purest of characters into your mess? i have loved your blog long before i made professor oak, and you’re seriously one of the funnest people i’ve rp’d with here. everything i’ve written with you is refreshing and new, and never fails to make me laugh. thank you for your love for kent, and also for writing with me. i know you’ve been MIA for a while, but you’re definitely a memorable person. 

@tcssaiga - i dont have a lot of cross-fandom interactions so when they happen im usually pleased. you’ve got great characterization, and have perfect dialogue. i never watched a whole lot of inuyasha but i’ve atched enough to know that you’re pretty close to canon. thanks for the interactions even if you’re mean to prof oak on archer ; (

@askgarymfoak - MY LITTLE ACORN!!!! the dedication you have for gary honestly gives me so much life, and i love rping with you on discord and just yelling about sam / gary hcs. its always a highlight of my day and i can tell you’ve thought about gary and his life long and hard, and its so cool to see someone interested in all that makes him the Headache we all recognize and love. please never stop sharing with me the personal hcs you have for the boy, i always want to hear them. 

@futureheld - we don’t even rp with each other on this muse BUT youre one of my longest tumblr rp friends that i still talk to and you’re really important to me. we have history, we go back!!!! okay? #FRIENDSHIP n all that. but tbh id follow you on any muse because your writing is just great? id write any weird crossover with you because you have a talent for making it work seamlessly anyway. thanks 4 the memories, loser. 

@seviiserver - CELIO!!! we dont talk as much as we used to, or rather, we talk in bursts every now and then but i consider you one of my good friends! not only are u really talented in all things artistic, but i love your writing and it’s always enjoyable to read, even if its not one of our threads together. you made me have so much adoration for celio and like all the other ppl ive met who bring life to underrated / under-rp’d muses, i enjoy seeing everything you pour into him... AND ALSO I LOVE OUR OAK / ROWAN INTERACTIONS? i love them so much it hurts okay. even if its just silliness in discord it brightens my day. anyway perhaps one day we will cross paths in this sleepless city and i will finally teach u how to ride a bike.

@rottenrhythms - i know i dont have much to say or comment with whenever you message me on discord, but i admire how much detail you put into your characters and meta. im always impressed with all the work and thought you put into your world-building; i wish i had that much drive. also, you’ve made a lot of improvement with yourself from the time i first started talking to you on skype. be proud of your progress, and keep working at it, it’s worth it in the long run!

@lack--two NATE youre definitely a very sweet person, and perhaps a little more devious ooc than i’d imagined you would be ( at least to me, why must you poke me for reactions? ; ( u wound me ) but you’re a soothing presence to be around and im glad you were finally able to make discord work. bonus points for letting me yell about yugioh all the time. never stop being wonderful. im here for you whenever you might need a listening ear, okay? 

@loyalpika / @palletbloomer - #PRIKA!!! ever since i first followed you i remembered being blown away by your extensive headcanons on pikachu and i genuinely enjoy every blog you make! we dont talk OOC but from all your ooc posts you seem like a very caring older sister and thats nice to see; with you running around all the time, i hope you do get some rest every now and then! i hope our camaraderie never falters, take care friend! 

@thepkmnnurse - i cant forget all the love and support both you and your muse have for professor oak, and im happy you try to spread positivity on the dash whenever you can! we don’t talk much OOC but from what i can tell you’re just as kind and nurturing as nurse joy herself. i hope you’ve been taking it easy wherever you are, and i hope your days are bright!

@rebelracket - will there ever be a day that i dont enjoy seeing your delinquent muse causing havoc on the dash? your creativity is wonderful to witness and i enjoy clarissa so much, thank you for interacting with a pure ol’ muse like mine. i hope we can continue to keep writing together, im excited at where we might end up. p.s. your art is delightful.

@porttownprince - you’re a gentle presence on my dash but im glad that youre here and that you’ve stuck around despite all the bad things that followed you. i hope you can overcome all the trauma you’ve been through. thank you for being kind with me!

@nikkouki - i know i dont say much but i enjoy your random check ins with me on discord, and i think youre a sweet young girl. you’re gonna go far in life, just make sure you keep going! continue being a precious kiddo and don’t forget to study your japanese ; (

@viciousvainglory & @midoriyamight - i cant think of one without the other so accept this double-tag lol. you’ve both supported this blog since the beginning and i wont forget how welcome you made me feel! no matter what blogs you’re on im glad we can still be friends! you deserve the big toblerone! 

@fateandfury - my long time writing parter without knowing we were long time writing partners! the work you put into professor juniper is something to behold! we haven’t seemed to interact much despite rping professor muses, but that doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate your take on such a muse!

OTHER BLOGS TO BE ADMIRED ( also in no particular oder) : @sterlingsilverchampion @starmarkcd @pxgtails @satanstories @champofpallet @golden-oak @spriggaens @nurturen @florenselite @craniumaniac @ask-guzma @tenderpoison @gocatchem @faemoria @hikaup@writtenbykaichu @executiveariana @honoxtokage @simikami @bigcalavera @rotorotom @thehopcful @and-they-succeeded @metalprincess13 @keep-those-memories-away @hisvanity @attitxde @asmayflies @sesshcmaru @theagentlooker @ambcrly @kantocowboy @dauphindekalos @beareroftheblueorb @blastingxff @aquaelegance @bugeyesboutique @make-it-trouble  @thunderstonereject  @theagentlooker @soultattered @scvedbylove  @diluviumx @inevitabilis-sors @pokedouche @fightiniumz @firespun

I’M SO SORRY IF I MISSED PEOPLE, THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR SOMEONE SO SCATTER-BRAINED AND MEMORY-FOGGED AS ME. EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT INCLUDED AND EVEN IF WE’RE NOT MUTUALS, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT OF THIS BLOG. WITHOUT ANY OF YOU I WOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN HERE.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A GIVEAWAY!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[thoughtsandeverythingelse]

what i would say:

honestly, i didnt see myself writing this tonight. i didnt see the point, plus its getting late (2AM). i was ready to sleep right after the mask, but somehow this idea wouldnt leave my head. i didnt want to write this out as well because i feel extremely level-headed tonight, and i didnt want to ruin that. but then again, maybe it is good that i am writing this out when i am level-headed.  perhaps the reason why i cant stop replaying the past few days in my head is because i have yet to write down what i want to say. perhaps writing it all out helps me to vomit whats on my mind, so that i can make space for more better things (like jesus and school LOLOL).  now ideally, this would have been said at some place quiet. some place where it’d just be us. it’d be after a meal that he has asked me out for - intentionally. the purpose of the meal? i am not sure. but i’d like to think it’d be for a date, or just him being his usual self - intentional. in my head, im picturing the steps at MBS. not the usual lying benches, bc it would have been uncomfortable. but the steps are close enough to feel intimate, but far enough to not make eye contact and stare at something foreign/familiar, you choose.  i wanted to say should the opportunity ever come up, but man if he never asks, then i might just do it to get it off my chest haha.  so here goes the things i would say:  actually i just wanted to let you know that for the past few months - i actually liked you. hahaha i know this is going to feel awkward, no this is never my intention. i just wanted to tell you that i liked you, and i have no expectation on where this should go. i know that you are going to say, ‘thank you for the courage, thank you for sharing with me’ - bc i think i know you. (so much pride in this sentence!!!!)  but i wanted to tell you because actually, i just wanted to get it off my chest. honestly, and genuinely, i have no expectations on you on how this should go. i dont expect you to tell me nice things, to say that you feel the same way. i dont expect you to bear the responsibility of what i just said. i dont think it’s fair for you to feel all that, which is also why i didnt want to share this with you.  i didnt want to share what i feel because i didnt want to become your statistic. that statistic. but i thought to myself, if i were to ever become that statistic, i would damn well be the most special one. you see, i liked you not because you were cute. ok i guess partly, but i realised i started to like you only when i started to get to know you. i liked you because you have been vulnerable. because you were honest, because you were real with me. and in that, i got to experience the realness of your love. 

another reason why i didnt want to tell you was because i wanted to prove that what your friend said could be true. that two people, different genders, can be capable of forming a platonic relationship. now, was it because we crossed certain boundaries, that made me like you? perhaps. but then again, i dont blame us, or myself even because i dont think we were even aware of the boundaries until we crossed it. is that to say that we shouldnt be careful? of course not. i think even more so after i acknowledge my feelings, i felt way more careful than i could ever be. i think twice about what i want to say, whether nicknames are appropriate, or simply even the stickers i want to send to you. in everything that i do, i honestly tried to keep as platonic as i can.  of course, that also goes to show that maintaining a platonic relationship is hard. i think one thing that works with darren and i was that we were VERY explicit in our mutual interest with each other. i also think it came with the context of the relationship that darren and i had - we were young, (19?) we were figuring things out, and figuring out what we liked. was it a bit too early to make a conclusion? perhaps. but do we have a good relationship now? heck yes.  i think what makes our relationship special is that we are able to love freely (hahaha ok to a certain extent), lovely clearly, and communicate well with each other in the process. i think we are good at that, with each other. maybe its a two thing.  that was what made loving you feel so free, but trapped at the same time. that when emotions were in play, it was difficult to distinct my intentions.  now here’s the thing - like i said above, i have no expectations on where this is going. honestly. if we were to pick things up and choose to pursue this, then okay. if we are clear to say that this wont go anywhere, then okay!  i wanted to tell you because i realised if there was anything to take away from this friendship that we had, is that i found myself learning how to love, but also learning how to be loved. and i thank God for that.  i thank God that you are in my life. i thank God that i got to know you. like know you. not the Jerome that plays sports really well, not the worship leader Jerome, but the Jerome that makes mistakes, i got to know you for you. that is why i liked you.  i thank God that He showed me that i am not just capable of loving someone to this extent, but i am capable of being loved to this extent.  because of someone like you, i can love and be loved in so many different forms.  i think that was why i wanted to tell you. not to place unnecessary burdens, that is never my intention. but to acknowledge the goodness of God in my life, and in ours. to also simply acknowledge my feelings, and to be honest with you and myself about it.  things i’d imagine him asking:  “so how long have you known?”  this is a hard one. honestly, i only acknowledge this recently. but the idea of potentials came up in your 21st birthday. i know its a long time, and i think i seem like a creep ahahaha but i think it took me that long of a time to really discern and dissect what i truly feel. “who else knows about this?”  not many people. probably like 3, and none of them are your friends. our friends. just my uni friend, and tiff. the people that i shared with, have no idea who you are, or have no remote relationship with you. i wanted to protect you, maybe more so me in the process too, bc people know me and you, and i wanted to protect myself from all that. actl half the time they only know that you were the guy that is ‘not bad’ but not like actually liking you.  *ok lets take a pause here* here’s the thing, i dont know if things are going back to normal after i share this. it might, only if he rejects me. perhaps we would have less frequency. that is what is stopping me from wanting to say all these things. the idea of having less frequency would be inevitable. i am not going to deny that. in the name of boundaries, right?  plus our intertwined relationships - how is that going to be impacted? these are things that i feel like i have to risk, but i am also not ready to yet. which is why i am not ready to share. i honestly, havent thought about this.  hahaha yknow now that i have typed all this out, i have no idea how this conversation will end. i have no idea what he will say, how we would go home after this. i would imagine we’d probably head out with him driving us home, so that means he has to drive me home, and the ride could probably feel very awkward hahahahha.  ok the thing i know from all this is that - as of sept 2020 i am not ready to share anything. i also think he is not at an emotional capacity to hear these things. perhaps i am waiting for his covenant to end to feel that i can share this safely with the certainty of being able to date. maybe just a bit. but emotionally, i dont think i want to have this conversation just yet.