introspectionofaqueer

[introspectionofaqueer]

small relationship tip:

if you’ve got someone in your life who apologises for a lot, instead of constantly telling them that they don’t have to apologise for that thing, slip in a couple ‘thank you’s or other small compliments.

“I’m sorry I can’t talk about that right now.” -> “thanks for establishing a boundary.”

“sorry I won’t be home for dinner” -> “I’m glad you’re able to go out and spend time with friend/treat yourself/etc.”

“I’m sorry I vented so much” -> “thank you for trusting me with this.”

[introspectionofaqueer]

I feel like everyone who knows you like I do should love you the same

How could they see what I see and not feel the same?

You deserve to be cherished by all of those who know you

What a beautiful thing it is to see others appreciating all that it is you have to offer

I smile to see others holding space for you in their hearts

It's bizarre for me to think how this used to make me jealous when now it fills me with such joy

I rest easier knowing that in a world where I no longer existed, there would still be plenty of love for you

It's a comfort to know that those who make you happy, are also made happy by you. You deserve nothing less

I know there are things I'll never be able to do to support you or be able to offer you, your full happiness is important to me so much that it doesn't matter if it comes from me or not I just want you to have it

[introspectionofaqueer]

[introspectionofaqueer]

I just can't fathom why you would think that it was appropriate to come here

You're the reason my memories of this house are so Tainted

You are not welcome on this property

The audacity to pull into MY driveway

I'm so glad I wasn't outside when it happened bc idk that I could handle seeing your face

And with your new boyfriend too

It's been years but I still don't want to see your face around here ever again

For context Sam was outside mowing the lawn and Peyton just happened to drive by with her boyfriend and pulled in to "stop and say hi"

She lives in like South Carolina or some shit so what the FUCK ARE YOU DOING AT MY FUCKING HOUSE

[introspectionofaqueer]

will you still love me?

when you know all that I've been?

all that I've done?

will you still love me then?

when you see the blood that stains my hands?

could you still love me?

is it all loveable, or should I be shameful?

could someone love all that I am?

all that I've been, and all I am to become?

could I deserve a love....unconditional?

[introspectionofaqueer]

I had another dream about Vē last night

I was sad seeing photos of him happy with someone

Some part of me had thought maybe we'd have another chance but then I saw the photos

I know I'm poly and all but he's not

I woke up today and realized yesterday marked 1 year exactly since our stupid date I drove 2 hours for. Funny how your body stores that info when your brain doesn't, I'm thinking that's why I dreamt of him

I don't understand how I got so hung up on a guy I knew for like a week, and jt was all probably superficial anyway. Nothing about our connection was ever real, aside from mutual attraction.

I know I deserve so much better

I deserve to be valued, loved, appreciated, craved even.

I won't settle for anything less than that now that I've found it. It's funny what one good connection can do for your standards.

I do still have a desire for romance and I know thats out there for me somewhere, I'm just waiting to find someone who will give it to me in the ways I deserve. In the mean time I'll be focusing on myself and appreciating the love I do have all around me. Romance isn't essential, but I can't help but be a daydreaming ass lover boy

[introspectionofaqueer]

ah yes crying literal tears of joy viewing videos of Trans masc butches on tiktok

[introspectionofaqueer]

I was just having a crisis over this man this morning and then I go on my tiktok and am instantly notified that he viewed my profile 💀 WHY GOD WHYYYY

[introspectionofaqueer]

why do I keep thinking about the ppl who wronged me

I just want to let it go

My life is full of love, why do I hyper fixate on the love I've lost? Is it because I can imagine it to be the perfect love, cuz I never truly experienced it?

I had to drop off a doordash delivery yesterday and they were practically Vash's neighbor, idk why it made me so sad to drive by there and see all the cars In the driveway covered in anime stickers

I know it's nothing to do with me not being enough but I just always feel like when I lose someone it's bc I wasnt enough for them

It sucks having actual standards for yourself and holding yourself to them. You lose a lot of people that way. Obviously that's for the best but it doesn't stop it from hurting or being complicated.

[introspectionofaqueer]

cw//sex

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Being such a sexually driven person, one of the hardest things to come to terms with with this disability is my perceived loss of a sex life. What is a lesbian without her hands? what is a BUTCH lesbian without them? I feel all I could ever feasibly offer anyone is to let them touch me and for someone who feels guilty receiving this just about ruins sex for me. And I LOVE sex. Or well, I used to I guess. I'll never have my fingers inside someone again. At least not in a way that would bring them any pleasure, it would just be for me which I'd inevitably feel guilty for doing knowing it was probably disappointing to them and I'd try to pleasure them anyway and end up hurting myself. All I'll ever be reduced to is some form of pillow princess. I mourn the death of my sex life and i mourn it heavily. Maybe it's the period hormones talking but I don't think so. Sex has always been important to me. I find it kind of sad I never really got to have a healthy sex life when I was able bodied. For more than a month anyway lol. I know there's all kinds of alternative ways to have sex that don't involve your hands but my jaw is fucked at this point too so I'm feeling at a loss. My knees and hips are bad to wear a strap for too long and I've always hated doing it anyway tbh. I hate that I missed out on these experiences before it was too late. And I can only hope one day to find a partner who I can trust so intimately as to not feel like a burden when it comes to having disabled sex.

[introspectionofaqueer]

last night was the worst pain I've had

I woke up early, maybe around 7, from a dream in which I could feel the pain. I've never had it extend to dreaming before, that's usually the place I can go to be safe from it. But I woke up in such pain it hurt to just lay in bed, I took some pain medication to try to go back to sleep. Luckily when I woke back up the medication seems to have taken effect. But I've never had my fully body ache like this before. It was my knees, my hips, and my left elbow. Aside from the permanent hands feet and jaw of course. Those are typically ignoreable for me at this point. What i experienced this morning was truly something different though.

[introspectionofaqueer]

it's almost 1am and I can't sleep

I've just been laying here crying

Everything really just feels so hopeless, I'm in the most pain I've ever been and I don't know how much longer I can do this. Things are getting worse and fast. I just feel so defeated, I went to the doctor and got an appointment to get a referral to a rheumatologist and they ordered me an xray and mailed the order for it to my house and my mom threw it away. So I'm back to square one. It's just one thing after another. I have to call the doctors and see if they can send me another one but even that feels pointless because I can't afford a fucking xray but for some reason to get the referral they have to do a chest xray. Idk what the hell that has to do with RA, it just feels like they add extra steps on purpose.

I want so badly for someone to want to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, I'm so tired of doing it for myself. I just want anyone to want to give that type of reassurance to me. I despise thinking of the last time I was held and the fact that I would do it again even knowing what happened after, just to feel that again. I hate feeling like I'm going through this alone, I don't have anyone I can genuinely turn to without feeling like a burden. My family doesn't understand. And my friends are all going through so much of their own shit right now. I can't stand the thought that this is the best it's ever going to get. Getting out of bed in the morning is a monumental task. The permanent pain and stiffness has spread from just my hands to now my feet, knees, elbow, and shoulder. Occasional hip. The knee pain is really proving difficult to live with. I am starting to feel like I can barely walk with how swollen they've felt. And the ankles too, Im lucky to get a day without limping. I feel so stupid and pathetic that I've let it get this bad and that I still don't know what to do or how to get help.

[introspectionofaqueer]

I think it's so important to keep people in your life who hold you accountable and don't make excuses for your behaviors

People you can really trust to challenge you to grow and who will be a safe space for you to do so while not tolerating shitty behaviors

It's important to have people who want you to be better for yourself

if you're in my life I want to know that you want better for me and that you also have standards for yourself

I want to be able to learn and grow and be encouraged to do so

It's rare you find people willing to do this but when you do make sure to keep them around.

[introspectionofaqueer]

I despise getting genuine crushes on people

Like what do you mean I'm having dreams about you and genuinely love being in your energy

It's horrible, I hate these feelings. Honestly a good thing they left and I probably won't really ever see them again

It's so rare for me to actually feel this way about someone and tbh I find it unsettling

I am not damaged idk what you mean :D

[introspectionofaqueer]

I cannot stand the audacity and entitledness of men

What makes you think you are entitled to my body in any way?

What makes you think you can demand access to it?

What makes you think you can tell me how I am isn't good enough once you've given yourself access to my body?

Today I cried over this. I'm not sure I'll ever let another man put a hand on my body anywhere again.

This probably ominously sounds like sexual assault but it was just a handshake.

He stands there making me talk to him for like 20 minutes when we have customers waiting and then puts his hand out for the shake, so to be polite I lightly shake with my compression glove covered hand. He says "no no a real one" and squeezes and pulls on my hand. I squeeze back to the best of my ability and break into tears the moment he let's go. As if the glove was just for fashion. I cried not only because of the pain but because of how humiliated I felt. To make me feel lesser than because of a disability I had no obligation to tell him about. I cannot stand the audacity of men.

[introspectionofaqueer]

Synchronicity wigs me out when it happens too much

The night before last I was with rhia at the hospital watching American dad and the episode was talking about the concept of Chaos Theory

Then yesterday I got into a drag competition called chaos theory

And this morning watching the big bang theory they started talking....about the concept of chaos theory

What does it mean 😳

[introspectionofaqueer]

everything is heavy and won't stop piling on

The life I'm living rn is truly the definition of "going through the motions"

I still can't fit in with people or make friends, I went to a show on Friday night to help with mistys number and them and Warren were both there and so was em and Nancy and Steven and my friends from work came too and I still found myself sitting in the Cafe alone, feeling like a parasite or burden if I tried to join any social groups. I wish I felt like enough

I feel stupid and ashamed for having these feelings and for writing them here

I'm just starting to get really tired of being exhausted and in pain and never truly feeling like I belong anywhere

I bought mcdonalds on the way home from stayingnin the hospital all day because i haven't eaten in hours and I just feel sick to think of trying to eat it rn even though I know I'm hungry

I'm sure in a day or two I'll be fine and write some post about being hopeful

It's always such whiplash feeling these intense emotions back and forth constantly. Sometimes I feel like they're not genuine if I'm able to be happy in a few days. Other times I feel like the happiness isn't genuine and that it's just a cover up, trying to cope with the reality that everything is falling apart. I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk to about this stuff and it feels like it'd be a burden to try. My family knows everything im dealing with right now, and not a single time have they even asked how I'm doing. Like they think it's not traumatic and heavy to know your best friend tried to end their life. Idk who I'm kidding, we can't even really open up to each other so what kind of best friend is that? I desperately want to have a deep connection with at least one person who we can mutually understand and care for each other. I do appreciate the friends that I have so so so much but I just feel so alone

Sometimes It just feels like there's something wrong with me and that I'll never be capable of making that connection

I hate this self piteous mindset, I feel pathetic