introspectionofaqueer

[introspectionofaqueer]

There isn't anything I,nor anyone else, could do or say right now to make me feel less empty and broken

[introspectionofaqueer]

everything she ever thought about me was right

Everything will be better for everyone without me

[introspectionofaqueer]

Dating someone who wasn't sexually attracted to me unless she was drunk gave me fucking brain damage and i wish I was joking

Watching her slowly let the resentment take over but refuse to leave me, and I sure as hell wasn't leaving her. I needed her to want me. To love me. To choose me. She never did.

[introspectionofaqueer]

I want to feel special to someone; like I couldn't be replaced. Like my relationship with them is actually special, and unique to only us. I don't want to feel like everything that reminds you of me also reminds me of your other friends. I want you to see things, videos, songs, etc, and think only of me. Not everything, but I wish there were some things just for us. I want that with somebody. Something special and tangible and a secret that only the two of us will ever share, untouchable by the rest of the universe. I want to feel that special. And I'm afraid I never will. I don't think I have a chance for a love like this. Is it normal to want this? I don't know, i don't know

[introspectionofaqueer]

of course I'm starting my period today

I love when my hormones make me go insane and destroy my relationships 🥰✨

Time to get fucking therapy and some God damn mood stabilizers

[introspectionofaqueer]

"I am a lesson in intensity. I am never meant to stay. I will always chase what does not want me and punish that which does. I will try to prove myself worthy to those who reject me and I will try to prove myself unworthy to those who want to hold me. "

I have booked an appointment in therapy and psychiatry, I don't know where else to look for help when looking within hasn't been enough

[introspectionofaqueer]

I don't think I know how to love. Or to let myself be loved.

I can't teach you how to love me, because I don't know how to be loved.

I want to love and be loved, I want to feel like I deserve either of those

[introspectionofaqueer]

don't worry, I won't be a part of the love you have to settle for any more.

God knows I'll never be the love you deserve.

[introspectionofaqueer]

I feel like I'm deeply flawed to my core

Somethings wrong with the coding

I don't know how to love someone properly

I can't do it right

I thought loving was simple and innate

But I don't know how to love you in the ways that you need

[introspectionofaqueer]

The hardest part about it all is not the pain you hide

It’s not the weight you’re carrying

Or the guilt you keep inside

It’s the wishing for it to be over

The not knowing how to cope

Assuming that you’re doing well

When you’re at the end of your rope

Expectations to get through it

But they can’t see into your mind

Nothing feels the same to you

And you’re just buying time

You wage a war of feelings

There’s no way that you can win

It’s becoming overwhelming

The ice is getting thin

[introspectionofaqueer]

It's so hard when everyone you know is feeling so alone right now

How can I expect anyone to be here for me or care what I'm going through when they've got so much of their own shit to deal with?

Today I really don't want to be here

Getting out of bed is literally almost impossible anymore and i don't just mean mentally

My body hurts so bad and it's declining so so so rapidly, and no one around me knows

I don't think I can do this much longer

I'm down to 95lb today

[introspectionofaqueer]

I am never going to be worthy

I am never going to be loveable

I am going to be alone forever

[introspectionofaqueer]

I just need to document this somewhere so I know what rock bottom is

Down to 96lb today

[introspectionofaqueer]

I want to get better I want to get better I want to get better

I don't want to give up

I'm really scared and feeling alone but I don't want to give up yet

I don't want to feel like I have to

I don't have to be alone

I'm not going to isolate myself and make it easier to go through with, I'm going to let people in and be there for me

I'm not going to hurt anyone by giving up

I'm not going to let myself do that

I want to get better

[introspectionofaqueer]

I'm so stressed out lately, everything in my life feels like an obstacle

I ache just to turn over in bed, I have to pump myself full of ibuprofen to be semi functional

My hands have gotten so so bad and stiff that doing chores feels a monumental task

And seeing the rotting open wound on my toe every day drives me further to hoplessness

I am desperate for something to change

My period is over two weeks late now, from what I have to assume is stress related

I'm down to 97.6 lbs and withering away further still

I just don't know how to continue anymore

Sometimes I do think it would be kinder to go ahead and isolate myself so less people will be hurt

[introspectionofaqueer]

do you ever feel like by loving someone, you're ruining them?

How scary to let yourself become so interwoven to the fabric of their being

How your absence would leave holes where the love once was

[introspectionofaqueer]

small relationship tip:

if you’ve got someone in your life who apologises for a lot, instead of constantly telling them that they don’t have to apologise for that thing, slip in a couple ‘thank you’s or other small compliments.

“I’m sorry I can’t talk about that right now.” -> “thanks for establishing a boundary.”

“sorry I won’t be home for dinner” -> “I’m glad you’re able to go out and spend time with friend/treat yourself/etc.”

“I’m sorry I vented so much” -> “thank you for trusting me with this.”