#i fucking hate having tonsillitis

[hagravenholm]

Lmao beautiful

[flimsy-spine]

i am not okay so maybe no new madneyscenes posts tomorrow or for like. the next few days 🙂

[songbvrd]

what must i do to be a part of a sickfic? must i be sick living alone w no one to pat my hair or make me tea? even my plants seem sad

[gutsby]

Mouthful

Pairing: dbf!Joel x Reader

Summary: Joel Miller thinks he’s strong enough to quit it, but something in the way you suck him says he isn’t.

Warnings: 18+. A man with a big, bad oral fixation + lots of love for a sneaky succ. Daddy kink. Dirty talk. Age gap. Blowing Joel under the table at dad’s birthday dinner.

Snippet of Hating Game

He knows better than to let a moan slip at a time like this. Not when he’s sitting at the dinner table; not when he’s surrounded by the people he knows and loves the most. Not when he’s celebrating his best friend’s 51st birthday, and certainly not when that man’s daughter is perched between his thighs, out of sight from every eye but his.

Joel lifts the tablecloth. He almost unloads on the spot.

Seeing your mouth open wide and your lips curled tight around his hot, throbbing member, Joel can’t help but ache for a split-second lapse of judgment—one where he forgets all sense of decorum and simply goes to town on that pretty little face. But, as it is, the rest of the party is totally oblivious to your absence, and he doesn’t want to draw attention to it, or him, by roughfucking your mouth.

That’ll come later.

No, now he’ll let you glide your mouth gently over his shaft, leaving trails of thick spit and hints of a shiny pink lip gloss in its wake. He’ll let you bob your head softly—self-assured in a pace you get to set—and he won’t lay a finger on your face or let a thrust of his get in the way, because this was all about you giving him the pleasure.

That doesn’t mean he can’t steal a glimpse every now and then and pin you with an expectant look when he wants something done a certain way. The room is dimly lit and everyone in it drunk; Joel will gladly take the risk.

‘You can go deeper than that, sweet pea.’

‘Nope, three-fourths ain’t enough, I need your mouth around me whole.’

‘You did wanna make daddy feel good, didn’t ya, sugar?’

He doesn’t have to speak a word of it for you to know what he means. What he needs. You loosen your jaw and stretch your lips even wider, whining just a little when the head of his cock grazes your tonsils.

“Fuck that feels nice,” Joel says aloud.

You freeze.

Then, without missing a beat, you hear him continue just as comfortably, speaking to the people around him,

“Y’all feel that breeze comin’ in?”

Sick fuck. You continue to suck him anyway.

One hand braces tight against Joel’s leg and the other flits shamelessly between your own, and you try not to moan, but the sound escapes anyway. No one hears it, but Joel feels it reverberate down his shaft, and he grips his glass of Merlot like a vice. Your dad shoots him a curious look from across the table but says nothing.

“Can’t get enough’a her, huh?” Tommy grins beside him.

“What?” Joel falters. Sets his drink aside carefully.

Down below, you drag your mouth just far enough to take his tip between your lips and suckle. Joel grunts.

“The wine,” Tommy says, still smiling, “You must love it.”

Joel lets out another strangled breath that he tries to pass off as a chuckle and nods.

“Got me on my fuckin’ knees,” he admits.

And that’s the truth. Starved for air and blinking through tears as you kneel down to blow him, it’s still you with the chokehold on Joel, and both of you know it.

Try as you might to convince yourselves otherwise, the man is enrapt. It’s just that small matter of you being his best friend’s daughter that makes Joel loath to admit it. At any rate, he has your tongue licking stripes up his cock and feels a sudden, sharp clench in his stomach.

He knows he won’t last much longer. Neither will you.

Joel can’t see it now, but you’ve practically soaked your own hand from how hard you’ve been rubbing your clit—and how turned on you are from just sucking his dick, keeping your mouth wide open for a fucking whenever he wants it. While Joel reaches for another draught of wine, you bring one hand to his balls and keep the other at your cunt, triple-tasking like the efficient little slut he needs you to be: sucking, cupping, and rubbing all at once to get the two of you off in one minute or less.

You guide him down to the furthest place in your throat, then push him even deeper. You gag, just slightly, and feel a hand reach down for your cheek. A thumb starts to rub at the tears welled up at the corners of your eyes.

‘Sweet thing hasn’t felt a man this deep before, huh? Wanna swallow some more?’

You nod that you do. Can’t actually hear him now, or see much else besides the soft tufts of hair on his belly, but you can feel a light, heady warmth seep into your brain.

You rut your hips and hope no one drops a fork nearby. Buck desperately into your hand and feel the heat start to swell to a whole new feeling, and suddenly you’re whimpering, whining on Joel’s cock from under the shade of the table and cumming all over your fingers.

Joel returns a quick smile from your father and cracks a joke about the Super Bowl. Raises his hips just the slightest bit and wipes one of your tear-soaked cheeks.

‘Almost there, hon, keep that throat open for daddy.’

All you can do is cry and try your best. Wild feelings from both the slow, deep facefuck he’s giving you and the flurry of euphoric aftershocks coursing all throughout your body make it almost impossible to bear, but you obey your sweet and strong and steady-handed Joel and sense a blossoming desire crop up for something else.

You want to taste him as he blows his load in your mouth, floods your tongue with his spend, and paints every inch of your insides with that hot, sticky stuff.

You need him whole

Your Joel.

In tune with your thoughts—or perhaps just overcome with a need to see you before he reaches his peak—Joel raises the tablecloth when Tommy isn’t looking. His gaze locks on yours and his tongue darts quick between his lips. He cocks a brow. Brushes his thumb up again.

‘Ya want this, darlin’? Want all of me?’

You give one soft, wide-eyed nod, and that’s all he needs.

No sooner do you give him the green light than his cum goes pulsing out in ropes, coating your whole throat and eventually your mouth as you hold still and take it all.

There’s so much more than you thought. So much of Joel that’s been waiting to giving your mouth a proper fucking glaze that once he’s started he just can’t stop. Above the table, your dad shoots a pointed look in his direction—‘You good, man?’—and it takes every ounce of strength in Joel’s body to grit his teeth tight and nod.

He’s filled so much of your mouth it’s spilling out now.

You try to hold steady, keep your movements extra slow. You’d heard your dad’s voice and just know there’d be a lot more on the line than Joel’s dribbling seed if either one of you fuck up now. Your breath catches in your chest, and you feel too afraid to even swallow.

“I just…came,” Joel starts, and your head almost cracks on the wood surface from how abruptly you flinch back,

“—to the realization. That you are so…fuckin’ old, man.”

Your father’s laugh is the first thing you hear, followed by Tommy, your friends, and a dozen other party guests.

The next thing you feel, to your complete and utter shock, is Joel’s cock brushing your cheek. Then your lips. Then your tongue. He slides his still-hard member through the ‘o’ your mouth has made in awe and starts to move in gentle motions back and forth, like a man all but desperate to get a feel for your wet, sodden walls.

A man who can’t risk a glimpse at you now, but wants more than anything to see the mouth he’s just filled.

Your father’s words haven’t even cooled in the air.

Joel Miller, you sneaky, freaky fuck.

As the laughter subsides and Tommy scoots back in his chair, taking leave of your table, you feel a spark ignite. Whether it’s yours or Joel’s or both your perverted minds suddenly alight and insane, you can’t be sure, but you can make out a tablecloth flipping back up above you.

Joel slips his dick out of your mouth and grins. Takes a firm hold of your face under the table so his fingers are practically coaxing your jaw to unhinge before him.

It’s the lowest, slowest, menacing sort of sound you’d ever heard from him before, but it was his all the same.

Speaking to you now, softly, “Show daddy, darlin’.”

Your Joel.

[ashprompts]

𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒

a collection of sentence starters from dropout tv's game changer. feel free to alter pronouns/text as you see fit

“I’ve been here THE WHOLE TIME”

“It’s hard to hold this much anger in my body.” 

“If you never hear from me again, you know what to do!.”

“If they don’t find me it’s because I was chopped up and fed to the pigs!”

“I SOLVED YOUR LABYRINTH, PUZZLEMASTER. THE MINOTAUR’S ESCAPED, AND YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HORNS, BUDDY”

“I. CANNOT. WIN!!!!”

“A lot of people have been saying that ___ is a singularly evil, wildly incompetent, befuddled nepo baby silver spoon motherfucker. This is what people are saying.” 

“If you can do ONE swing on the swing I will let you play with all the math puzzles that you want” 

“You’re not getting a FUCKING JOKE OUT OF ME until you let me out of this room! You want bits?! You let me out of this room for bits, motherfucker!”

“Are we gonna die before we get outta here?” 

“I’m gonna lose so fucking hard it’s gonna blow your fucking mind”

“But in this sick rodeo, this bizarre fucked up clown festival, we’re here celebrating what I can only describe as the sickness at the core of America.” 

“Give me the assignment and I don’t miss. I’m gonna DIE before this is over.”

“Your tower’s gonna fall. Laugh it up now.” 

“A river of sweat is running down my back right now.”

“I do hate zombies and I will have nightmares about this tonight. But in this moment I just feel like I’m surrounded by friends.” 

“We don’t give a cum.”

“If you’re in a hole, DYING. I WON’T BE THERE.”

“I showed them my feet, [name]! I SHOWED THEM MY FEET FOR NOTHING?”

“Stop shaking your cock in the middle of a fucking huddle, dude!”

“I’d fuck that pie.”

“If you’re like me, you eat a lot of ass.”

“I hate capitalism but I also hate losing.”

“I get my tongue so far up somebody it’s like I’m tasting their tonsils. I get so deep in there I’m gonna burn myself with stomach acid.”

“I like perching like a little bisexual gargoyle”

“If you were performing on a subway I would take money away from you.”

“I’VE ONLY JUST BEGUN TO PULL THE THREAD ON THIS SWEATER.”

“Icarus flying too close to the sun, but it seems Daedalus our little mastercrafter over here had some WAX WINGS OF HIS OWN, didn’t he? Wanted to see his son fall, faaaalll from the sky, OH HOW CLOSE TO THE SUN HE FLEW”

“Hey can I get an ah? … Don’t scream at me.” 

“You kinda have the vibe that your kids call you by your first name.”

“The day I DON’T curse when a body falls from the sky, call somebody.”

“Could I place an order? I’m hungie. What do you think would be the best pizza to order if I’m quite hungie? Um, I like cheese, what is your largest pizza? Yeah let’s get an extra large because I’m hungie. I’m hungie, I’m hungie, I’m hungie.” 

“WE ARE NOT ANIMALS!!!”

“So long as I am on this stage and drawing breath, you can good and goddamn believe I’ll be trying my best in every challenge.”

“Was it bad that we just started smashing shit?” 

“You didn't count on INGENUITY did you motherfucker?!”

“FIGHT THE BOURGEOISIE. I WILL VENMO YOU $20.” 

“This could be hell. This is very Satre-esque.”

“YOU ARE NOT GOD. THE MACHINE IS GOD.”

“Can you tell us why you’d do this to us?”

“I won’t be made a fool”

“I do feel like I’m in a nightmare”

“I’m the only one OUT of the loop it seems”

“Everybody do the wenis! The wenis is a dance! Everybody is a genius! Who knows it in advance!” 

"DANCE IS A SIN!"

"You think I'm gonna fucking roll over?!"

"It'll be a COLD DAY IN HELL when I go out like a fucking chump!"

"I don't care about winning, I just don't wanna lose"

[all-pacas]

house live-ish blogging: damned if you do (oh you thought my other ones were long. buckle up)

the nun patient is played by elizabeth mitchell aka juliet from lost and it always distracts me. because i love juliet from lost. man lost was a great show

chase doesn't say a word in the first differential, which i'm noticing is a theme in these early episodes. it really is always cameron and foreman with the ideas. he chimes in with a point about treatment but that's it.

love that cameron takes it upon herself to decorate the office. she would. she is absolutely the type. i bet her house is always drenched in decor

also love chase dipping in real quick to grab one while they're center camera. (he needs to Chew Things)

chase hasn't bothered to particpate in the differential so far but he does chime in to hate nuns. the first of his many lies this episode btw

i'm not even making a joke about his s8 rebound nun - he admits himself the priests and nuns he knew growing up were the closest he had to family, and even in this episode he hardly can keep up the pretense: he starts off icy and avoidant, but the second the nun is upset and vulnerable he drops the bullshit and does his best to comfort her. he doesn't hate nuns. but i can buy he thinks he does, or maybe that he wants to: he lost his faith, he failed (and will continue to fail) that test, but he openly admires people who do have faith, who do believe in more. to me it reads like jealousy more than anything: she has something he wants. and he thinks he dislikes her for it.

"do you think it's the work of the devil, or do you just not get cable where you live?" chase's bad mood snark once again

actually i find his take in the argument cam and foreman have really interesting too: foreman thinks house screwed up, cameron isn't sure but isn't ready to be conclusive either way; when chase's opinion is asked he says "if house is right, then this; if house is wrong, then that." he doesn't actually answer at all (although he implies he'd rather house be right because it makes his life easier). he does the same thing in s2 iirc, and later in this episode: when asked to give an opinion he'll often skirt around and avoid giving one.

"did you always want to be a doctor?" LONG PAUSE "always" i think about this every fucking day. second big lie from chase this episode. he probably always knew he would be a doctor. it's also, come to think of it, a different take than his (equally fake) tonsil story. i wonder how many different version he's told!!

we really don't talk about foreman's religious leanings and baggage enough btw. because. he basically says here he believes in god. he and cameron rehash this same discussion in house vs god (i love the implication that they just have fun little debates like this sometimes), and he implies the same thing, but always in a way like… "if there's a higher order, obviously it is concerned with humans." in house vs god he says something like "the question of god existing is the most important question," which, sorry foreman, really is only true if you already believe and care (it also comes up a lot in euphoria, and in forever; there's probably also a reason chase told foreman he prays sometimes while trying to comfort him in house training) -- anyway i fully believe foreman fully believes he's an atheist, staunch and rational and cool, but. he clearly was raised in a religious-ass house, and clearly internalized a lot of it. and, i think just as clearly, unlike chase has no religious trauma or baggage: he tends to feel pretty positively about it for something he doesn't believe in, you know?

"what about you, chase? you believe in god?" chase: "oh man look at this mri" hahahha love this man's refusal to state even the most obvious of opinions (i actually think chase's answer is no, but that he also very much wishes he believed).

cameron once again acting as chief asskisser, coming up with 18 other ways house could secretly be right this whole time

and as soon as cuddy takes over, cameron also tries to chime in with "house thinks :)"

nice wardrobe touch: foreman and chase both pull on their suit jackets before meeting with cuddy. chase also puts on a tie

love how annoyed cameron and chase are with foreman for ratting lol. like for real, these early episodes really do set up foreman as this new/opposing force to house, with cameron and chase as the sort of… loyalists. (which they are, but we haven't hit the crush/lapdog eras at all)

this early episodes are fun because wilson actually seems like he has a job and doesn't just hang around house all day. what's that like

ugh i love this scene with chase and house. it's actually the first scene they have together in the show and it's just. can you believe THIS is the first scene with just the two of them. chase actually pushes back on house and doesn't give an inch: "my mother's been dead ten years" and not "what do you want?"; "which nun? why do you say that?" - everything house says, chase pushes back on. "i don't know nuns." "maybe i hate them on principle." chase doesn't say anything. everything house throws out he denies immediately. it's honestly fascinating, it's also not remotely the last time: to go back to what the nun tells him, it's not that chase is a good liar (it's very obviously he is lying), but he really, really doesn't budge or open up or allow house's prodding to land. he does the same thing in s8, in chase: i know you want to know this. i will not tell you. i know you'll help me, because my not telling you has gotten you invested.

"i have a theory of what makes good boys good --" and chase just starts blinking rapidly, i love it. i think chase is hand's down an angry crier (case in point: lockdown. cursed. right now).

HOUSE: I have a theory on what makes good boys “good”. It’s not because of some moral imperative. Good boys have the fear of God put into them. Catholic Church specializes in that kind of training, to make good boys afraid of divine retribution so they will do what their daddies tell them, like, for example, going into medical school when it’s the last thing they want to do. What do you think?

dead to rights he's got him dead to rights. chase never wanting to go to medical school is. it's so overlooked. i mean, we know it, but he's so good at this that it's easy to forget. and yet again: chase doesn't budge. he doesn't say i went to catholic school. he definitely never says i wanted to go to seminary.

something about this compared to hunting actually. kalvin and cameron talking about doing what's right ("good") vs what makes you happy. satisfaction vs happiness. cameron scheduling fun on a calendar. i used to be a good boy, says kalvin. chase, who is 'good,' who does what he's told, who has always done as he's told. who has jumped from one authority figure to another his whole life. something

something i've always liked about this show on a meta level is how it tends to treat religion fairly evenly: house hates religion and is loud about it, but chase's rotisserie chicken of catholicism is treated seriously, and minor religious characters run the gamut - it would be easy to make the nuns in this episode silly and "wrong," but instead the mother superior is reasonable and kind, the nurse one is petty but intelligent, they're not made fun of for believing or proven right or wrong by the narrative. the show does this a lot: it isn't interested in any sort of Gotcha!! of atheism or faith, and tends to allow characters their beliefs. i like that honestly. it would be very easy for house to treat the religious like the clinic patients, you know? instead, the jewish convert lady truly just found faith. the rebound nun chooses to be a nun and will be happy with it. the cast falls across a wide spectrum of religious views from "devout" (cole) to "raised religious" (foreman) to "chase" (chase), to cameron's staunch atheism and taub/wilson/cuddy's deeply reform judaism.

CAMERON: Maybe House was right. Maybe there is an underlying condition that explains the symptoms, something we haven’t considered. CUDDY: Like what? CAMERON: It could be a metabolic disorder. CUDDY: Specifically? CAMERON: Mitogenetic. CUDDY: Specifically? CAMERON: I’m just saying – CUDDY: You’re just saying you think House is right. CAMERON: Might be right. CUDDY: Of course he might be right! It might be the Hand of God at work. Don’t say it’s something else unless you’ve got something concrete to offer.

i've always liked this exchange, because it would be very easy to make cuddy the 'bad guy' in this episode for not agreeing with house, and the delivery on these lines are very "okay, and?" instead of argumentative: cuddy is making some good points, and that point is, cameron, stop kissing house's ass if you don't have anything lol. written down it seems much more argumentative but as filmed it's very reasonable, i just like it idk. also chase, take notes, you will never exhibit as much blind loyalty to house as cameron does in these early episodes l m a o

cameron is all proud of herself when foreman points out it's an allergic reaction like she initially suggested - and house immediately shuts that down by pointing out cameron didn't stand by it. fascinating little reaction, especially given how hard cameron has gone this episode in defending him: house doesn't give her credit for asskissing at all, but we see later in heavy that she really does feel like her loyalty should be rewarded. cameron also very much loses this trait later on! but house really is not interested in being pandered to or defended. we actually see he pretty consistently prefers and appreciates and likes to surround himself with people who disagree: foreman is the ur-example, but taub was pretty blatantly hired for the same reason. but also it's like. huh! cameron really spent all episode sticking up for house and he could not give less of a shit. they really have an interesting dynamic in s1.

chase IMMEDIATELY dropping his i don't give a shit, i am aloof and uncaring act when the patient is upset is so. he's so bad at pretending he doesn't care lmao. and don't get me wrong: he sometimes to often actually does not care, but. the second he connects a little, he goes all in, you know? he can't do cameron's brand of nice to everyone; he either freezes you out or falls over himself. no middle ground

i have talked about this before but chase's favorite bible verse being essentially "the more you struggle and suffer the more god loves you, so stick with it, seriously" is just. WOW. w o w. of course he'd pick that one. of course he probably clung to it for fucking years. my guy

he's actually really good at talking to her about this. which is so insane from chase, especially at this part of the series, where he's never really spoken to a patient before: we saw him schmooze in the pilot, we saw him very awkwardly try to comfort the mother in maternity, but this is the first conversation, and it's also the first time we've seen him be earnest and serious like this: usually he keeps his head down, shuts people out, stays fairly quiet. it's a sharp contrast, you know? i also wonder what his mother was like when she died, given chase's your faith will affect how you experience your death and his much later comments that she died with him hating her…

cameron trying to comfort/reassure house and getting dismissed again. she then gives him a christmas present. i'm not sure if we're officially meant to see this as her Crush Arc: i honestly feel like at this point cameron would act this way for anyone (and hasn't gotten anything to really "trigger" her feelings -- they had a moment in maternity, kinda, except she was really mad at house about it; same with pilot and his trying to figure her out), but the scene is definitely staged in a sort of loaded tension way. cameron also gets a mystery christmas gift at the end of the episode, but tbh, i have never believed house would have done that lol. like i know we're supposed to think that. but. given how he acts every other christmas episode, given how little concern he's shown cameron so far … you know?

i am not here doing hameron denialism. if anything i'm actually really interested in watching these episodes to figure it out from a meta/direction perspective. they definitely start pushing it by mid-season. but i'm just saying this episode does not really make sense to me, even if i suspect we're supposed to see it as sort of romantic. cameron is defending him beyond reason and dismissed for it; their interactions so far have otherwise been her being angry at him for prying; house has betrayed no real vulnerabilities or personal interest in cameron besides figuring out her Deal. there are moments later that makes sense to me. this ain't it.

do love chase barging in and cameron jumping back from house lmao. SYMBOLISM FOR YEARS TO COME

going back to my thing on religion earlier: house refutes all the nun's points on miracles, but the nun is very much given the last word on the debate; she's not shamed or convinced and if anything house seems to come around to her side (he decides to let her check out AMA); he respects her faith for what it is, if not her beliefs.

chase being called the prodigal son……………………it's so clear that none of the later seasons house's successor bullshit was planned for now (it's so obviously foreman) but MAN do we love Accidental Foreshadowing. man do we ever

foreman in a santa costume handing out gifts………hahahaha it's cute but it's so "oh that was sooooo abandoned as a character beat" of him. s2-8 foreman would never

chase turning away from the chapel!!! my guy!!!!!! like i've said before i bet he sincerely, despite all evidence, truly believes he is no longer religious and has no religious feelings. i think he thinks he's a super atheist. because he is so fucking dumb

i think this is the first time we get house playing piano??? man

[historia-vitae-magistras]

In one of your last posts about Matt and Katya, you mentioned Alfred and Ivan’s dynamic, and that perhaps there is more beyond the hate sex they have had.

Do you mind expanding on that? What is your interpretation of their relationship, if it can even be called that?

LMAO god, gonna make me use the two and a half years I spent special interesting my way through Eastern European history on my way to a degree in 20th Century history, are you? About time I did lmao. Alfred/Ivan is one of those ships I don't enjoy purely as a ship, but it's so compelling. Much too compelling to the history to leave out entirely.

So, at the dawn. You have this old state in Ivan, considered backwards and rural by the Western European imperial powers, which has largely lost its verve for even trying most of the time. He has usurped his sister, who built most of their culture and claimed the power he has from the remnants of several cultures and expanded eastwards. And he comes across this young upstart, similarly held on the fringe of the powers of Western Europe. He's had similar obsessions with Jan when the Dutch Republic was new and a lasting one with François when he was the heart of European culture. Moreover, he's not only interested in and admiring of Alfred and the American experiment, but Ivan likes Alfred. Everyone likes Alfred. It's impossible not to like Alfred. There's an affection and attachment, a kind of love if I want to push. By the 19th century, Ivan wished him success because he and Arthur were locked into the Great Game in Central Asia. He spites Arthur, Matt, and Katya by selling Alaska to Alfred when he and Russia can no longer benefit. He's happy to raise a glass to American success. Alfred was touched by the gestures during his Civil War and the purchase of Seward's Icebox.

Afterwards, things declined quite quickly. Between the end of the American Civil War and the beginning of World War One, over 3 million people from the Russian Empire settled in the United States. But less than 5% of them were ethnic Russians. Most are Jewish, Polish and Lithuanian. Feliks mostly stays in Poland, a firebrand devoted to his survival, but Alfred meets Tolys, and he loves him. He lives with Tolys and his memories, perceptions, and opinions. Matt is up to his tonsils in Katya any moment he possibly can be, with a mouth full of their father's loathing of Ivan and a chest heaving with Katya's life. Alfred is increasingly their father's heir. The Pacific acquisition of Alaska was just the first step. If Alfred is the Christ to Arthur's God and lord knows he thinks of himself as a saviour, the Russian empire just looks shittier and shittier.

But he still has that reputation of being an outsider. He's not quite in with the European powers. He brokers the end to Russia's ultimate humiliation against Japan. Ivan, to a certain if somewhat limited extent, believes Alfred's bullshit. The deal is fairer than he would have otherwise gotten. But this is the high point of the pre-war Kiku, and Alfred's strange, tense and intimate relationship and opinion is still vastly with Japan during the war.

Then comes the Russian Revolution and the Polar Bear Expedition. Alfred is keener to do business with Ivan's new government when revolution breaks out. It must be an improvement over the Tsar, surely. He's not entirely in his complete form yet; he gets looped into the Entente's support, but he's pretty vocal about this thin line of hope that this may go well. The way his revolution went. There's this brief moment where Ivan and Alfred look at the world with a thought to a common future. They're looking at each other again with an ancient hope, maybe some mutual admiration. This may work. Maybe Ivan will get his shit together. Maybe Alfred won't become the heir to Arthur's Great Game. Maybe, maybe.

And then it goes up in fucking flames. Even American leftists became disillusioned with the USSR somewhat quickly. He helped lay down new states in the newly free Eastern Europe; God knows Tolys and Matt are doing their best to keep Alfred on-side. It took almost fifteen years, until 1933, for the US to acknowledge the USSR. Alfred is repulsed by the USSR even if he does cool his jets as interwar isolationism has slowed the process of him stepping into the fray as the head of his family.

By World War Two, Alfred is happy to write his redemption story and just dump treasure and materiel at the USSR. He's the balance of power between Arthur and Ivan, and Ivan is delighted to see Alfred snap at Arthur whenever he fucking pleases. But he's also miserable that he is the one dragging himself on his belly over the broken glass and ruins of Eastern Europe and doing the largest share against the Nazis. But there's a little hope that Alfred and Ivan will rule the world when this is over and find common ground in their power. It's only in the waning days of the war when Alfred's clearly suffering from the campaign in the Pacific and Eisenhower lets Zhukov have Berlin, that they shack up in some way or form. Alfred has more hope than Ivan, but Ivan is at least a little satisfied to see that Alfred has had a piece carved out of his idealism by his war against Japan.

It doesn't last. Alfred might be happy to take Arthur down a notch, but when the crown comes upon his head, as has been arranged, he wears it with a certain ease no one expected. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, but what is the weight to a man who fancies himself Atlas and Prometheus all in one. And it comes with the confidence to hate Ivan's ideas and opinions even as he revels in their fucking. Sex isn't love, and the feelings he gets throughout all of it are not love to Alfred. I still somewhat adhere to the thought that McCarthy almost denounced Alfred as both a communist sympathizer and a homosexual in the 1950s for this apparent attachment, but the intelligence apparatus intervened and prevented it.

And that is where I will leave off because I'm damn near at 1000 words RIP.

[chestcongestion]

..... Velvette snzcanons...? :'D

Y e sssss!!! Yes yes yes! My q u een! (If I had to pick a favorite it'd have to be her, black women I love youuu)

Allergic to certain kinds of wildflowers, her bedroom and most common areas in the tower have fake plants as a result.

Gets sneezy when she has mint or dark chocolate, which she hates because the Hell version of Thin Mints are some of her favorites.

Doesn't like to stifle because she thinks it gives you wrinkles.

Usually sneezes in doubles, multiple single sneezes back to back are usually pre-cold sneezes.

Lots of "Ii-Ih'pSshhuu!" or "IH'PsShhiew!", sometimes the "SsHhiew!" at the tail end can get louder, especially if it's the last sneeze in a fit. Her sneeze is very consistent, to the point where V/ox and V/al have said if they ever suspect a doppelganger or shapeshifter has replaced her, they'll can make her sneeze as a foolproof check.

Had tonsil surgery in life and then her fuck ass tonsils grew BACK after she died, so now every time she gets so much as a sniffle she loses her voice.

Isn't the best at taking care of herself because she's too busy on her fashionista, social media marketer, and artist grind, so instead of being doted on or doing healthy self care tasks, she's more inclined to abuse medication.

If left to her own devices she will just mainline cough syrup before she takes a sip of water.

Completely unafraid of telling people that she's sick, she'd rather people know than try to hide it and get embarrassed by her symptoms.

Is absolutely mortified if she isn't in complete control of her symptoms and the general public/ her audience see her while she's indisposed. You publish a video of her without editing out every last cough and sniffle? You're fired.

Her nose gets very stuffy and/or runny when she's ill, to the point where she constantly has a tissue held up to her face because sniffling also gives you wrinkles.

Absolutely loves herself some tea with honey and lemon, will spend the entire duration of her cold chugging it out of a big stupid thermos.

Colds almost always go to her throat and chest, and to alleviate congestion in her lungs, sometimes she'll literally have one of her employees standing behind her and occasionally whacking her back on command when she has to cough.

Can be a bit gloomy when she's sick as opposed to being cranky and bitter, makes a lot of solemn and dreary posts on line...lot of rainy cloud emojis.

Tries to ward off illness if she feels like she's getting sick by putting echinacea and eucalyptus oil in her bath water and on her face when she does her nightly skincare routine. It never works the way she wants, she'll feel a bit better but because her cold isn't magically gone, it's a hoax in her mind.

[sickfreaksirkay]

i have fucking tonsillitis maybe god does hate me

[munsonsprincess11111]

Need her gone for u 4

Eddie munson x reader

Summary: your best friend and her boyfriend broke up. Her boyfriend kicked her out so you offered her a place to stay with u and Eddie for a few nights. A few nights turns into 2 weeks etc. You and Eddie haven't done anything since she's been living with you to be respectful. But Eddie and her really don't get along

Your ill. You hate it. You went to the doctors tonsillitis and an esr infection. Your laying in bed reading your book. Your hole body aches and all you want is Eddie. But he's at work. So in the meantime you've got... Jill.

"Want some soup" She askes standing in the doorway. "I'm OK thanks." You answer. She stands for a minute before talking again

"SO I've got a date tonight and I was hoping I could borrow some clothes." She askes smiling. You lay under your duvet n put ur book down. "Uh sure just show me first n ill yeh or not." U reply.

Your wardrobe is 6 steps maybe less away from your bed so you can see exactly what she's doing. She pulls out a few dresses shaking her head and putting them away. Then she pulls our your dark red skin tight leather dress which was very revealing.

"I don't wanna know what Eddie's done to you in this dress." She says disguistedly putting it away. "Jill" You say tryna sound annoyed.

She continues looking and askes. "WHY are all your dresses red?" She looks at you.

"Well it's Eddie's favourite colour but I've got a few black ones there." You nod your head in the direction of the black ones. She digs through and eventually finds one she likes. She habges in the bathroom n comes back.

"You look nice" you smile at her. "Thanks can I borrow some heels?" She askes. You nod and paint her the matching black shoes to go with the dress. She then suts at your dresser and does her make up with her make up luckily.

Once she's ready she's sat at the end of your bed telling you about the guy she's going on a date with. Eddie th gets one and opens thr front door. Having no knowledge your ill as he had been working from 6 which means he woke up at 4:30 am and had only just got home the time being 7:13 pm.

He walks into your bedroom and has many questions when he looks around. Eddie being Eddie askes all of them. "WHYS she in our room?" Jill looks at him. "I was talking to y/n about my date tonight." Eddie looks at you.

"WHYS she wearing your clothes?" HE askes you jill replying again. "I have a date if you must know." Eddie glares at her. Then looks back at you. "You look ill what's wrong sweetheart?" Eddie's askes. Jill tries to answer again. "OH she's been to the doctors she's got-" but Eddie curs her off.

"Jill I swear to god shut up. I'm talking to y/n not you." HE stares at Jill. He turns back to you.

"I didn't feel good so I went to the doctors. I've got tonsillitis n an ear infection. He gave me antibiotics told me I have to rest as I feel achy." You answer Eddie. He walks over to you pulling the duvet down a but putting the back of his hand on your forehead stroking hair out of your face.

He then turns to jill. "Your turn. What times your date?" Jill looks at Eddie. "He's picking me up at 7:45." Eddie nods"whats time will you be back?" HE askes looking at jill with a straight face.

"Before midnight. N y/ns given me the spare key to get in so you don't even have to get out of bed." Jill says with a smug. Eddie glares at her turning back to you. "I'm gonna go get in the shower and then I'll come lay with you. U need anything before or after my shower?" HE askes stroking your head again.

"After your shower can u make me a tea and get my antibiotics n my normal medication for me so I don't have to get up?" You ask Eddie softly. He nods his head kissing your cheek. "I'll bring your brownies to." HE says.

The phone rings and jill gets up to get it. She starts talking hangs up and runs in. "He's here he's early I've gotta go bye bye bye." She runs down the hallway opens the door and slams it.

"Thank fuck." Eddie says. You look at him and giggle. "Right I'm going for a shower be back in 20." 20 minutes later he comes walking in his towel low around his waist holding two cups of tea in one hand brownies in the other and your box of antibiotics bit between his teeth and normal medication tucked under his arms. "You could've called me for help." HE puts all the stuff in the bedside table as you say this.

"NAH my princess is ill n I got it all here u saying you doubted me?" HE says smirking. You sit up taking all the medication n taking a sip of your tea. "Ofcourse not." HE kisses your cheek then walking over to his drawers.

He drops his towel leaving him naked in front of you. Yes you've seen the man naked before but he was still one hella sight. You feel the heat between your legs but it is cut short when u see Eddie stareing at you starring at him. You look elsewhere. "Like what u see sugar." HE says wiggling his eyebrows. "Shut up." You answer croaky from your sore throat.

He slides his boxers on climbing into bed with you. He leans over you grabbing his tea and drinking half of it setting it back down. He lays on his side as you set your tea next to his. Eddie's arm slithers around your waist pulling you close. You lay next time him facing him feeling safe and secure.

"How you feeling babe?" HE askes closing his eyes. "Like shit." You mumble also closing your eyes.

"If I could make you better I would I hate when you feel shitty." HE nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck and you hum agreeing.

"I love you." HE whispers kissing your neck pulling his face to look at you. You stroke his face. "I love you too." You reply. Eddie kisses your lips.

"Don't do that you'll get sick." You groan in annoyance.

"Eh it'll be worth it. That just means you'll have to look after me." HE says smiling.

"Mmm OK if I must." HE gives you one more kiss then you both drift off to sleep.

Jill comes home at midnight going to your room to tell you about her date and sees u and Eddie asleep. She just walked into the living room changed and went to bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eddie took the next day off to be with you cuddling you n making sure your OK ad he knew you'd except none of Jill's help even tho you could barely walk and needed his helping going to the bathroom.

Jill woke up at 11 am and came straight to your room and told you all about her date to Eddie's disliking. After an hour she was finally done snd you was falling back to sleep in Eddie's side.

"Jill why don't you see if your lover boy wants to hang with you so y/n can just sleep" Eddie says trying not to seem pissy.

For once she gets the hunt and goes out for a few hours so you can rest and Eddie can relax with you. When she leaves Eddie thinks your asleep but you mumble. "I love you so much. Thank you. For everything." Eddie kisses you. "I love you so much to. Don't thank me sugar my job to look after you. N besides when you're better ill take even better care of you." HE says with a smirk.

"Your such a freak Eddie munson." You say smirking.

"Freak in the bed." HE says still smirking.

"Eddie!" You giggle still half asleep. "My freaky boy"

"You love it."

[descendantofthesparrow]

How do you think the scenario of Harry getting his tonsils/wisdom teeth out would go

XD the way i know ur asking this cuz i got my wisdom teeth out 3 weeks ago.

so-i didnt go under for my wisdom teeth i got the shots instead of the general anesthesia, so-

Harry would def prefer to go fully under but also he's freaked the fuck out about being unconscious around people he does not know at all so Uma has to be there with him until he's asleep so he doesn't go mad. he's loopy as shit when he wakes up and not a soul can understand him because his accent goes crazy when he's loopy on painkillers/anesthesia, he's just babbling on and on about how much he loves Uma and is actually super sweet while under it, he's thanking everyone whos around him and clings to Uma the whole time, poking at his cheeks/gauze and Uma has to keep making sure he doesn't touch them.

when he's lucid again, he *hates* the soft food diet, he JUST got fresh apples and good cheese burgers and chicken tenders, now he cant eat ANYTHING!? pouty baby, Uma practically has to force feed him. however he so takes advantage of the fact that-techincally-ice cream and milkshakes are apart of his diet so he goes ham on all of that and Uma cant say shit because hey-he got his teeth pulled out he can have 20 milkshakes in two days.

he gets them out almost as soon as he starts going to Auradon university becase now that theres competent dentists-Uma makes the whole crew go and Harry has to get three root canals and several cavities filled, plus his wisdom teeth of course-this happens over a course of a year or so he doesnt do it all at once and doest suffer for it.

he really misses soda during that one-two weeks he has to stop drinking anything carbonated for recovery and he stares wistfully at Uma's root beer. Uma also goes on the soft food diet in solidarity.

after about two weeks and his stitches came out and his bloodclots arent at risk to fall out anymore, he goes HAM on a cheeseburger and actually really likes flushing his sockets out, thinks its gross cool.

[imzsuzsis-blog]

"Second place again... I hate this whole thing."

"Lando, since you've been coughing, not so much, but we're scared of girls inside."

“Shut up!!! You know how shitty it was when I was out, sometimes one kicker, sometimes the other. Because they were really bothered by the loud noise my car made."

I sat and coughed on my cell phone to see what the news was about me.

"They're starting to screw me up again!!! What the fuck are they talking about, Martin's girlfriend? Huh? I only get a fucking jacket out of my closet because it was windy.”

I grimaced and hit the table with my palm, and yes, you felt that too, it was very embarrassing.

"No, stop it, it's embarrassing, please."

I pursed my lips, stood up and started to support the wall and caressed my growing belly to finally calm down.

"Girls, don't worry, no more loud noises, the day is over."

I looked down and inside I knew I shouldn't be here, I should be somewhere else, but not here, because this belly is already too big to sit in a car, but there is a big trial, Pato can't be here and we don't know how long I will compete.

"Pato, you have to live there."

I muttered sadly to myself and looked at Loki, who was talking to the object of my deception, Oscar. I would have liked to have gone there, but I froze at the sight because I knew I was committing a crime by cheating on Loki, with Oscar, and all this was due to the fact that I was kidnapped.

I was sitting next to Lando in the car, we were late again as usual, the formula 3 will soon be on the track, we're fucking late, Pato wrote that he's already in Vegas at the airport hotel if there's a problem, he'll be there in Silverstone with his sister if he can.

"Lando, is everything okay?"

"Not really... My throat hurts so bad I can't even swallow a cup of tea."

He said very sad and with a cup of tea in his hand.

"Relax, Pato wrote somewhere in Vegas, he's in an airport hotel, he'll come as he can."

"Calm down, calm down... Don't say shit... It's like Bia sitting in my place, you bastard."

"Deep air Lando, think about it, you picked it up somewhere and now your throat hurts. It could be vocal chorditis, I had it a few years ago."

"If it was, I wouldn't be able to speak, stupid."

"tonsillitis?"

"Maybe, but if it's more serious, I'd take my tonsils out, you fucker."

He got angry next to me and then ran away with a plastic cup of tea and drank it while doing so. In his eyes, I've become the rotting scumbag he can beat on the track today, both in the sprint and the time trial.

"Ahh, hello, are you Loki?"

I turned around and a completely different guy than Lando was standing in front of me.

,,Yes me... Ohh You are Oliver's brother..."

,,I am interested..."

,,No, he is not pregnant by me, but by Ollie Bearman"

,,Thanks, but..."

,,Ah...According to my last information, Magui is currently in Portugal. "

"It's not her, the little bitch doesn't even excite us, I'm happy for her if she's hung up on the family and doesn't want to get on them and other celebrities, the money-seeking bitch."

"Is it the (cold) Influenza?"

"No, why is he dating a guy who is even older than him, who isn't even famous yet?"

“ It doesn't bother me, but the media, as I see it, does... “

“That my younger brother is not dating a celebrity..."

I looked at my cell phone, which was full of it. That Lando Norris is not dating a model, social media, singer, athlete or actor. But with someone whose occupation is mundane and earns little in comparison. I put my phone down and hugged Oliver with tears in my eyes because everyone was a jerk to us, I love being a teacher and I wouldn't leave my job for any money. Not even when they write about us.

"Loki, he's my brother... Everything... I'm still talking about the Spanish Grand Prix and last week... Fuck you..."

I held my mouth and cried. Idiot teens record my every fucking move and put it on fucking TikTok without my permission. I've reported and banned several such fucking accounts there. Due to invasion of privacy and harassment. But unfortunately, most fake profiles and they are powerless against it. As with Insta, I don't dare leave the house anymore, even if Amanda strongly recommends it to me.

"Lando, Lando, I have already reported and banned such things, not only on TikTok. But Insta is also, and yes, most of the fake profiles are from somewhere in Africa. Or from parts of America who just want to parasitize or abuse your name. Because they know if you don't have ASD and they love to take advantage of that."

——————————————-

The reality

Lando, snoring and for some reason in his nightgown, crossed his arms and slept soundly, I couldn't get it together and I was dreaming wild things again. I took his arm off me, got up and went to the window and yawned and looked out, but I couldn't see anything except the dark sky and the constellations. I started sipping my water, this stupid dream prepared me for him and Oscar to fight over a competition, stupidity. Lando also got up and blinked at me, he couldn't speak, not only his team doctor and the pilots' doctor told him, but also in the hospital. He has vocal chorditis, but unfortunately he is forced to speak because his profession has to somehow communicate with the press.

"My dear, don't speak, you know you need to rest your vocal cords."

I went back to him unfortunately, he was still coughing as bad as before, he was taking the medicines prescribed by him, which they said a pregnant man could take, but it was of no use to him.

"Would gargling be good?"

I kissed his forehead and felt that his stupid fever was not going away.

"Siri, Amanda!"

I told him in despair, afraid that it was a big problem.

"hospital, Loki, you two may have done everything, but how dangerous was it for the girls..."

I couldn't believe it, we touched our foreheads too, and he too burst into tears when he heard the word hospital. Until now, we only used homemade prakits so that the girls would be well and survive the whole nine months, but not now. He caressed my face while crying and shaking his head he coughed into his other forearm, much uglier than before.

"I have viral pneumonia and I was expecting the news."

I bit my lip, I think it was like that for Loki, how could he have told him that I have Covid again.

"Loki, there's no problem working on it so that you can... Sorry... compete, if my brother isn't here, they'll sit here instead of me, and at the next grand prix... Sorry... Pato will go instead."

"Lando, this is bullshit. Oliver is a simulator racer, they will just find someone who can take your place while you will be a guest of a nearby hospital from tonight."

He hugged me and showed me the ugliest cough in the world and looked down.

"Next time... I'm sorry... But Bia is there."

I saw that it was going to be a gas, he closed his eyes, opened them and passed out.

[fullliquorbar]

I LOVE YOUR POSTS SO MUCH THEYRE SO MWAH.

what are fl mans relationships with the rest of the cast :3

sorry this one also took a sec to get to lol i had like a shitload of school stuff pile up on me all at once n my friend said she'd be pissed if i didn't prioritize it sooo :'3 n e wayz MOVING ON......

AUSTRALIAN MAN - they r husbands Obviously :3 ELLIS DEE - theyre Divorced but theyre also on good terms n theyre besties :3 BETH AMPHETAMINE - also besties : ) i feel like he would've had the tiniest crush on her for half a sec but it would've immediately died off the moment he found out she was a whole ass Lesbian BAB ROSS - friendsies :3 dont really have much else to say for this one SPLEENS AND TONSILS - they r his kids Obviously CLAIRDANES LOVESPUDDING - also exes (on neutral terms i Guess) DEE MINUS - i feel like theyd be really really close bc i honestly stand behind with the whole "dee minus is fl man's + ellis dee's daughter" theory/headcannon so yeah :3 i feel like he'd be a Kindof Shitty father at Times but it'd never be on purpose n he'd never dare be abusive towards her :(( she means the fucking World to him

TIM HORTON - close acquaintances Probably

TOMMY WENIS - also close acquaintances. i feel like they wouldn't really hang out that much due to like. not having much in common i guess (but they still would on Occasion because i feel like tommy would be pretty close w australian man)

COLONO SCOPY - ALSO EXES lmao this motherfucker Gets Around (on good terms)

WHITLEY ARRIAGAGAGAG - they went on a few dates n had some on n off shit for a while but it never ended up Going Anywhere (on good terms ^_^ they r also close friends!!)

IFORGOT MYPANTS - Also close acquaintances

KYLE THORNE - they would fuckign HATE EACHOTHER

KAREN STARBUCKS (who i'm only mentioning Now because she's honestly so irrelevant to me i honestly forgot she existed until this ask made me remember the weirdly in-depth headcannons i kindof have for her) - also divorced AND DEFINITELY NOT ON GOOD TERMS WHATSOEVER she was an abusive Bitch and their relationship did not End Well. some "karen took the kids 😫" type shit.

[flurriethefox]

I’ve been sick for six days. Went to a doctor the second day, they said it was a cold. Clearly not, since I’m still sick and there’s no sign of it going away yet, cuz my fever has hit 102 multiple times and the last time I took it (ten minutes ago) it was 101.7°F.

But the symptoms are weird. On and off headache (which I haven’t had for a while), inflamed tonsil, and a terrible fucking cough that’s started making my back and hips hurt every time I cough. And that up and down fever. 99°-102.4°. The lowest and highest they’ve been.

Idk if it’s nothing or if I’m fucking dying but either way I hate this. Going to the doctor again today, see if they notice anything different cuz false negatives are possible. I just wanna know what I have.

[causeimasinger]

i’m putting this under a read more for two reasons: it has descriptive language about a gross thing in my mouth (this warning sounds much worse than it actually is), and the whole thing is basically about nausea and throwing up. it’s really not that bad and there is no actual puke involved but i know there are people that can’t do that topic at all and i want to keep everyone safe! now onto my weekend adventure

my mom and i went to my hometown for a day and night so my mom could attend the funeral of one of her best friend’s mom and we went to my favorite restaurant and i basically choked on a bite of my fajita because the gross radiation/thrush super gross thick spit in my mouth (i cannot stress enough how gross it is) turns food into this disgusting paste-like texture that when i try to swallow i gag it right back up so that’s super upsetting bc i was JUST starting to eat again. so on the drive home we stopped at a mcdonald’s for some fries bc i underestimated the strength of my gross spit and then i ate 3 fries before i had to stop bc i had to take a drink right after every bite just to get it down my throat and i was getting nauseous so THEN about 4 hours into the drive i notice something very small and hard stuck in my throat so i take a drink, it doesn’t help, only makes me more nauseous. whatever this is (piece of fry? tonsil stones? a manifestation of god reminding me how much he hates me?) it is activating my gag reflex SO bad so eventually i am like mom. i need you to pull over. (we are on the freeway and it is 9:30 pm) and we took the next exit and ended up in the parking lot of an auto shop (i think? it was very dark. would’ve been scared if not for the im-gonna-puke feeling) so that i could get out of the car and dry heave for five minutes because my stomach was too empty to throw anything up. so then i got back in the car and after about half an hour somehow i was able to dislodge the culprit and swallowed it (ew) with water and then i wasn’t nauseous anymore. anyway. no point to this story but like, can you believe this shit??? AND i have chemo tomorrow!! what the fuck!!!!

[thefemcelthatdeservesbetter]

Ngnhhhh whats wrong with me?!

Ah it's so hard! So so hard to not hate myself!

It's so weird. I feel somewhat inferior, like I'm crazy, like I'm not normal, like I'm a fucking retard.

Why do people change so much? I understand that becoming a teen comes with maturing and changing behavior but.... Not like that. Is it me that's odd and that doesn't grow up? Or is it them that are odd and are behaving strangely? Being a teen only means you grow older. That's all. What's wrong with them? I hate seeing people change when i don't. I feel like I'm a seed that won't sprout watch others grow as big and mature trees. But emotionally. Or psychologically or whatever!

I hate how this boy in my class talks to so many girls and flirts with most of them. That boy is that one friend of mine that's ashamed of me. I hate what he grew up to be. We used to be such good friends. I remember always playing hide and seek, telling stories, eating some sour candies together. In elementary school he even had a crush on me but i didn't like him back. I don't understand what went wrong. I keep repeating it to him; he's changed. Highschool changed him for some reason. I hate how he's popular. I hate how he has so many female "friends", and it's not jealousy at all because i don't love him like that. I've heard that it's resentment. Resentment caused by a feeling of inferiority because of the lack of power i have over the situation. It's basically me being frustrated because things don't go the way i want them to. I think there's something wrong with me, because most of my classmates say that he hasn't changed. Because they did with him. Why's everything so different? I hate how powerless i am over... over everything.

I'm starting to think they might be right, maybe I'm autistic. But i really don't want to be! I'm not a retard. If i do have autism, or anything at all that's wrong with my mind i want to heal it as quick as possible. I just hate how i can't be enjoying teenage years like everyone else.

I'd say maybe it's an adolescent crisis, but that's just.... no. I feel like it'd be invalidating what i feel. (Even if it's not valid in the first place) I just wouldn't agree if someone told me "the way you feel is normal, it's adolescent crisis due to puberty, a phase that everyone goes through". So that'd mean I'm normal. I want to be normal! And i wish that that was true! But it's not, and I'd hate anyone who'd say it is. Because if it's so, then why am i the only one suffering?! Why am i the only loser? Why am i the only weird kid?

I think i don't even want to get raped. I watched porn this morning and the dude was really gentle, and handsome. I felt so gross after jacking off. Once i was done i felt immediately empty. I disgust myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and wanted to throw up. Wet wrinkly hands, messed up hair and blushing cheeks. That's so pathetic, to blush all alone in your room like the stupid little girl you are. But whatever, that man in the video was really cool; he'd chuckle sometimes for some reason. I think normal and consensual sex would be great... I can't believe I'm thinking about sex when i can hardly make FRIENDS.

And on top of this misery, i am sick! I catched a cold and my tonsils are swollen. My nose is running and my nostrils are burning.....

My father is so annoying. As if i wasn't feeling bad enough he has to worsen it and yell at me. I'll never take in consideration anything he says, he's the dumbest man on earth. He asks me to clean up the mess in my room; it's true that i should but i won't listen to him. Also I'm sick, I'm feeling too exhausted to do that! But the main reason is, i have nothing to learn from him. I have no reason to listen to him, i hate him. Who is he to talk? He never cleans anything, it's my mom that does all the job. I'm not gonna do what a stupid irresponsible alcoholic man tells me to do. I hate him. I'm ashamed of him. I hate his face, i hate his voice, i hate that he's the one that conceived me. I hate every little thing he does, even when he's being nice. I'm mad at him, so i don't care. But when I'm not, i feel really guilty. Because whatever he does i still hate him. And i hate myself for that. He spoils me, he buys me what i want, he does a lot for me and he loves me. Despite that, i can't bring myself to love him. I've never been able to love him. I can't see him as anything else but a monster. Somehow when you give off an image of yourself to someone, it might never change. It's not that i don't want to love him, i just can't no matter how hard he tries. And my sister said the same when she had a break down. And i know for sure that that's not because of puberty because she's an adult. After all, it's his fault. He might love us but he didn't think about us when he's done everything he has. He's selfish.

I wonder if my instagram friend will ever text me again. I know i said i would text him in a month if he doesn't text me first, but i can't stop thinking about him. I don't know why I'm so fond of him. I miss him but i know I'm just a random freak he once talked to online.

I have a lot going on in my mind. Most of it is hard to be put into words.

Ahhhh i wish i could be important to someone. I think when i say "someone" I'm mainly talking about him. I wish he'd love me just as much as i love him. It doesn't matter to me if he doesn't text me in a while (even if it hurts me) , most important to me is that we never get cut off. I don't want to rush things since we're only teenagers. Because i know that after some years he'll get heart broken by so many girls he'd be hopeless and desperate. That's when i show up and become the angel that will save him from despair. I'm not like the others, i care more about him than i care about myself. I'll love him a lot, I'll take care of him.... He might become a NEET, but it doesn't matter because i wouldn't mind handling both of our financial situations, if I'm able to. I'll tell him "so in the end, after all the time... Who never left? Who always stayed by your side?" And that'd be me. He'd fall in love, I'd get a flight ticket to his country and marry him. I hope it will happen. I think he's my first love. I want him to be the last. I want to be an angel, i really do. I want to kiss him, hug him, love him, rescue him from his own misery. I can't take care of mine but i can take care of his. I want to save him like an angel would! I want him to love me back!