#i felt so miserable today
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suguru... u represent me....
#i felt so miserable today#massive headache rn#he looks so dead to the world in the first one#he's... kinda cute#suguru <33#jjk <33#suguru geto#geto suguru#jujutsu kaisen
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⚔️🦈
#twst#twisted wonderland#twst silver#floyd leech#suntails#adding tags retroactively bc i dont want to be too worrying. so ppl know my brother almost tried to . and i had to take care of it#and i got a 900 dollar medical bill today. and im unemployed. so it um. kinda broke the last straw. and twt has been miserable to touch#got in a small fight w my friend and i felt physically sick and ive been having little mini breakdowns like 3 times a day and im not used t#i dont get sad like this. i dont GET soul-crushingly upset. i dont get nervous. i normally j shut down and get thru stuff so im rly lost#sry for the vent i dont intend for it to act as such. i j wanted to give context for whats been going on bc a lot of ppl here r tumblr-Only#i rly liked this when i drew it bc i love silly meme outfits. i drew minions a lot when i was into hq so it felt like returning to my roots#im sure when i feel less empty ill be happy w this again
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Bucky's poll
#mota#buck x bucky#gale cleven#clegan#mota polls#i'm miserable today so i felt like doing another fun poll
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she has the biggest chokehold on me
#project sekai#pjsk#prsk#mafuyu asahina#25 ji nightcord de#niigo#puroseka#you can see i felt so miserable today just by the way i draw her#better she's drawn - worse i was feeling#thats a fun feature
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Jean Valjean in Les Misérables 5.9.5/The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry/Saturn, by Sleeping At Last
#les miserables#les mis#jean valjean#lm 5.9.5#just a little web weaving for today’s les mis letters#even though I haven’t really been following along this year#does this mean anything? idk but I thought of these two things#the last time I read it and Valjean said that#and it felt meaningful to me so I thought I’d share
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theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh
#taylor.txt#im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything#i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation#and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school#like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling#like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk#it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah#tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh#when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :(#anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students#noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh
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So I have officially finished watching the first episode of tdp and I am once again asking Netflix to stop releasing seasons that are like 3 episodes long
#On a more serious note I'm so hooked#Like. The animation and art style is so pretty I want to do so many frame redraws#I'm cursing that Netflix blacks out screen shots so I can't save anything :(( I want some of these as lockscreens#But other than the art the story is super engaging so far and the world building is so fun!! I can wait to see more of it unfold#I also love how organic the dialogue is. They feel like real people having actual conversations#The swordfighting scene between Callum and soren (you'll have to forgive me if I get names mixed up lol) especially felt like something you#Could hear irl. It was also super sweet and I love how they didn't go with the trope of overly harsh and miserable instructor but instead#Went the opposite route#I really like all the characters so far! Can't wait to see how my opinion changes AVDBSBSNSJS#Sorry for the long ramble lol#I might do this episode by episode instead of live reaction and leave my thoughts in the tags like this#If you guys don't mind reading all this lol#I think I'll just forget to do the updates or get so distracted I'll miss things#Idk how quickly I'll get through it because things r hella chaotic but I want to binge it sm#Alas I must go to sleep today#But I'm loving this so far wins all across the board! I can't wait to continue it!!!!!#Yapadoodledoo: fandom edition#Also I can't remember that frog like creatures name (it's been three seconds 😭) but I would die for them
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2015->2023
It gets better
#was looking at old photos and put these side by side. wow#in the first pic i was miserable malnourished and so depressed i didnt think id make it to 2016#the second pic was a few months ago in too lazy to take w newer one today lol#im still depressed but not like i was. ive come so far and its so hard to see it from day to day sometimes#i never thought id live long enough to go on hrt. top surgery felt completely impossible#but i got to live#i got to transition#i wish i could go back and show that scared kid how far we've come#idk these pics just had me feeling really sappy#maybe one day ill make a more intentional transition timeline post#but these photos really show a lot#transgender love transgender peace transgender joy#it gets better i promise#sounds fake and shallow but it's so fucking true
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So Paradise of Thorns eh
#i want to start a letterboxd just to put that on there#i wish diff choices had been made for the very very end but i could see/appreciate some of what they were going for#and until that very very end (post-durian beating btw. that was great)#wow this was a 10/10 film one of the best i've ever seen wanna recommend it to everyone i know#love to see a bunch of miserable fucked over desperate people scrabble and claw at any power they're proximal to#and always come back face to face with the grim reality that they don't have any of the material power they need#love to watch palace drama dynamics where everyone sucks up familially to the ruler of the (stolen) kingdom#but make it queer and make it non-biological family#make the ruler extremely marginal vulnerable powerless herself#also the way the durians can only bloom when cultivated by all-in queer love#honestly i just wanted that kind of ending. i felt an ending where nobody gets anything is the most honest#(heightened by the ache of the moments where they almost came together and would have been able to thrive in collectivity)#but i would have preferred it somehow involving “the durians won't grow for heteros” lol#to what we got#or at least some other way for thongkam to scrabble at his male power in those last moments#(which IS a really perfect parallel to mo reduced to her most desperately monstrous bludgeoning saeng with her power)#and for everyone to end up miserable without a bloodbath which to me always feels too obvious#tho i loved the gov't official fleeing in his nice car with the $$$#but yeah im describing the literal only part i didn't love i adored every single other second of this incredible film#all i did today was laundry so i'm not gonna stay on tumblr rn and read what people had to say about this movie#but i want to because it ruled#congratulations to all involved i was blown away#the paradise of thorns#dear diary#paradise of thorns spoilers
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No one ever talks about hemiplegic migraines and how much they suck and ESPECIALLY no one ever talks about how much your head hurts THE NEXT DAY king my head felt FINE when I went to bed let me LIVE
#anyways hi my migraines get so bad half my body goes numb and every time i move my head too fast the next day it throbs#best way i can describe the day after headace is like. if you've ever had covid and you got that really bad headache???#and like every time you'd move your head you'd have to like wait for a second cause it was fucking THROBBING??#that's the day after headache i usually get sometimes it isn't THAT bad but sometimes it is#and i guess hemiplegic migraine is like#what if you have Migraine boss mode and it felt like someone swung a baseball bat at your head so hard you were experiencing stroke symptom#teehee! ❤️#i am NOT exaggerating one time i made the mistake of trying to sleep off a hemiplegic migraine after playing animal crossing at like 4am#cause screen bad for migraine but ot already sucks so i can be miserable or miserable a d playing animal crossing lmfao cnxncnxncnddf#and ANYWAYS i had a nightmare timmy and tommy were beating my head in with a baseball bat lmfao like you cannot sleep that shit off#it will follow you and it will hurt!#Anyway here is Mimi's super cool guide to a hemiplegic migraine: Take more ibuprofen that is comfortable (my max is 4)#drink a LOT of water cause hydration helps with migraines. lay down in a dark room and throw on a video essay you can half pay attention to#you aren't gonna be able to fall asleep but close your eyes and just focus on that. ALSO icepack. you're gonna be here for a while#anyways i would like to switch up my pain meds when having one cause. ibuprofen isn't good for your stomach! but idk how much to take#so i am stuck in limbo until i figure that out i caught yesterday's too late and that's why my head hurts today
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reading my fic planning as a bedtime story and then tomorrow. perhaps. you know.
#mine#haven't Sat Down to Write in so long maybe tomorrow is the day#felt Physically Miserable today lol otherwise i mightve started today. but oh well
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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Hm
#i think im being taught a lesson about how to deal with loneliness#was i alone today? no. technically not. but i certainly felt lonely even with my friends#a feeling i wish id left behind in high school#i was like AH. I understand now. this is loneliness ive been feeling all week#anyway what is the point of this post? i am simply tired of being medium miserable and am oddly glad to understand WHY i feel so out of#sorts. it isnt just the hormones lol its the general loss of community post old church#and the continuing revelations that things were NOT okay in fact were even worse than i thought at the time#like 😭😭😭 we do live in a fallen world. still. hate to see it
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pretend i did not send the prev ask ANYWAYS how was your day 🧘♀️
it was better today for a change
i sat with this girl and we listened to songs all day she said she's getting into taylor swift and i kinda got overexcited and told her about the folklore triangle because she had listened to a lot of august of reels and she likes it and she was like oh damn that's awesome and when i played her betty and she sang im only 17 i don't know anything but i know i miss you she rolled her eyes and made a face and was like ugh every playboy ever WHICH MADE ME SO HAPPY and then she made me listen to some punjabi songs and i liked them and we finally settled on MY bollywood playlist and she liked it i was so proud and we were talking about how awesome taylor is cause she writes all her own songs and i told her do yk she has a 10 min song and she was like omg really send me so yes ill send her the mv today and i hope she likes it
#also there's this guy he's one year younger than us we kinda hang out everyday we don't talk a lot just lament about being miserable#and wanting to go home and today i was sitting with this girl na so we didn't talk so at the end of the day he was like#kya hua sab theek and i was like nahi kuch theek nahi so he laughed and was like kya hua bohot kaam hai kya and i complained about the ac#not working so he was giving all these suggestions like yahan baith ja yahan hava aayegi idk it probably meant nothing#but it felt nice felt like he was checking up on me 🥹#okay that's it that was my day how was yours#vio love
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finally got a job but i had my make my name tag and i gave them my deadname so i just got to use stickers to agonizingly place each letter of my deadname down as i’m actively getting called it and she/her the entire time
#miserable!!!!#feeling dysphoric asf#also my manager said the r slur not even half an hour into meeting me lol!! i feel safe /lie#also also it’s work policy that if i bring a bag or backpack in the manager has to check it before i leave each shift#to make sure we don’t leave with any product aka steal from them LOLOL#i make literally 9.50 an hour to get yelled at by customers girl i’m not stealing anything#also i live in a pretty red state so i just Do Not feel safe outing myself at work rn otherwise i would’ve given them my actual name ://#i also clicked female for gender and felt sick to my stomach#anyway! i feel terrible ngl#i need to try and make that anderperry edit today perhaps#silas speaks#trans#transmasc#trans ftm#transmasculine#transgender#queer#tboy swag#transblr#trans community#trans vent#deadname
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why has this entire month been like this -_-
#pip.txt#ugggggggh today has been BAD bad#what if i just disappeared for a while then return and everyone has to pretend i didn’t disappear out of nowhere. ok? ok.#i genuinely feel awful. physically and mentally and idk if this feeling will go away#this semester has actually been the worst which is absurd considering it’s been my shortest#and i can’t help but feel miserable. if i’m not actively doing homework i’m agonizing over it#my first chem test TANKED my grade so the feelings warranted#also. need to change up how i look cause it’s making me feel terrible again#this is embarrassing -_- last time i felt this much anguish was from 12-16. WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE#anywaaaaaay. gonna do more note taking now. hopefully i can start the webassign tomorrow and maybe go to tutoring at least once
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