#i feel so overly negative but like come on
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It's a shame about Astro Boy Epsilon 2003's design to be steeped lowkey in this "Well he's the most feminine of those seven robots so why not turn him into a girl" because his design is genuinely cute there, but also because of his more pacifist manners + caring nature, really sends an odd implication when it comes to turning of any of the famous robots from Astro Boy into a girl imho. Your comic really shined a light on that which I really enjoyed and it reminded me how while I enjoyed Astro boy 2003 it has its grounds to cover by how it changes things around
yeah I had the exact same thoughts! it's odd too that in 2003, epsilon doesn't retain the main qualities that make him such an interesting character- those being that he's a caretaker of human children, and his brief relationship with pluto. the former especially seems like such a missed opportunity given how much of a theme robot-human relationships are in the anime. we see plenty of other robots taking care of human children and the conflict that causes, so I don't see why one of those instances couldn't have been epsilon. it wouldve been a really smart way to integrate them more heavily into the plot. my only idea is the writers thought like "well if we make our only recurring powerful female robot a literal mother figure that feels pretty reductive" but it's not like the show isn't already sexist in other ways? and the consequence is that epsilon loses the things that made the audience care about him and becomes a pretty flat character. every other version of epsilon dies protecting a child. 2003 epsilon is defeated because she's worried about some random dolphins. it's kind of an emotional downgrade.
I don't mean to be overly negative though- I actually just finished watching the show last week and it was amazing. it had a perfect ending, which isn't something I can say for many things. AND most of the episodes range from "great" to "mindblowingly awesome and heartwrenching". there's so many good things to say about it- which is exactly why I get so critical of its few flaws, especially when it comes to things that felt like a downgrade from the manga. they stick out like a sore thumb! I could make plenty of complaints about the manga too (and I have, to my friends) but that doesn't stick in my craw as much because the manga is much less consistent in terms of quality. astro boy 2003 is a fantastic show and a really really smart adaptation apart from like, two things. and to be fair they're only things that will really bother you if you read the manga first, which I did. so if anyone reading this is an astro boy fan (or just likes robots tbh) and hasnt watched it for some reason...... do that. it's incredible, seriously. don't let my complaining scare you away.
#asks#tbh the way pluto is written bothers me WAY more than the way epsilon is written but thats a whole other can o' worms#and we have plenty of other great plutos and epsilons so i cant be too mad about it
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seeing the art from the older plot comics and then looking at the current plot comic is like. painful . in my soul
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Thinking about the fact that they had Maron be the saytr that brought Will to camp-
THEN WENT AND GAVE HIM A NYMPH GIRLFRIEND NAMED NAOMI?? I KNOW IT'S LIKE A ACTIVE GREEK NAME AND ALL BUT??? 😭
Idk if he keeps any contact with Will though. Cause I never thought he actually did any Protector stuff in awhile?? Maybe he was just in the area but idk hdfd
But, he just doesn't seem to be as close to any demigods as Grover and Couch Hedge. The cloven counsel in general always felt separate from over satyrs in duties.
But if he did keep in touch with Will, I'm just imagine how awkward it is to have your old protector have a gf with the same name as your mom fsgsg.
Like-common name probably and all, but it's still funny to imagine.
Poor Will XD
#maron pjo#pjo maron#maron satyr#will solace#william andrew solace#pjo will#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson and the olympians#pjo hoo toa#pjo fandom#pjo#pain rambles#it's way too funny to me for some reason#idk why#also why did maron suddenly pop up in two books in a row???#like yeah he's more mentioned/ dream in tsats#but??? where that come from???#cause let's be honest most of us forgot they existed for the most part after tlo#i would like to see how Maron was as a protector personality wise#like. Will doesn't seem to have any overly neg or positive feelings when thinking about him#so maybe he just was neutral and get job over with type? idk#mosy saytrs seemed to have a close connection to the old demigods they brought to camp#Clarisse is literally couch hedges' choice for his son's god mother iirc#and he and Mellie work closely with Piper's dad#so idk#thinking about it
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I'm so tired
#not to come on here just to complain and feel sorry for myself especially because i know things are so much worse for so many other ppl#but as hard as i'm trying it's hard to believe things will be okay i'm trying so hard not to fall into defeatist attitudes#but fuck man. fuck. it's not even that i'm surprised or anything it's just. man#i want to curl up in a ball and just be comforted and cry and be upset but i can't do that and i have no one to do that#my worker's comp payments aren't coming through like they're supposed to and i have like ten dollars and barely any food in the apartment#my injuries aren't getting better the pain is still there even though i'm doing everything i'm supposed to#my meds aren't working but meds have NEVER worked on me and i keep hoping and praying some day i'll find one that will but i fear they won'#i have more psych testing in january but a part of me worries about doing it because if (when) i test positive for certain things it will b#on my record and considering..... the state of things i worry about what that means for me and my autonomy esp regarding anything medical#i still can't convince any doctors to take my issues that are almost CERTAINLY endometriosis seriously and again.... given the state of thi#i find it very hard to believe that will change and will in fact only get worse and i will never be able to get any kind of sterilization o#hysterectomy and if something ever ended up happening and i DID get pregnant well. it would not be good for me#i feel very alone and like i need to and must handle everything on my own but i feel like i'm about to break doing that#and then this. this. this this this this. i know it's not fair to be upset about it. like i said things are so much worse for so many other#but fuck dude. fuck man. mentally i have not been doing good recently and nothing has happened in my life to really help that recently#i want to go back to being so repressed i genuinely felt/believed i was emotionless this was not a good year for the dam to break#i told my therapist the other day that i feel like a toddler. i was so repressed and emotionless for as long as i can remember#so i never learned to deal with big ugly and overwhelming emotions. so i react as a child still learning would because i never got the#chance to learn how to manage them and FUCK MAN i feel like i'm losing it#i know it's important to do what you can and not fall into overly negative mindsets but that's not something i was good at anyways#and now it's even harder but i'm trying. fuck dude i'm trying so hard i want to be hopeful i want to do what i can#i don't want to hate everything and jump immediately to wanting to kms or destroying my whole life because what's the point#i just. holy fuck. man i need a minute to breathe and i wish i had someone physically here to hold me and tell me it's okay#but i don't have that so i'll be a big girl and sort myself out like usual and just hope i don't break yet#i'm gonna go watch anime and try and read fic to distract myself but mannnnnnnn i feel like i'm losing it#kaz rambles
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the framing of the critic character in the menu really pissed me off bc no offense but if i was paying 12k for a meal and you served me a broken emulsification id comment on it too
#man. she was engaging in good faith with the art of the meal the entire time and the movie is just like. lol isn't she sooo pretentious#isnt it so pretentious to engage with high art and try to read into the artistry of it. just eat a cheeseburger#god that movie thematically was so stupid.#avpost#i have watched enough food network to know that not breaking a sauce is like#its not easy but its a basic skill that a professional chef is expected to have. and youre charging thousands for this#within your own metaphor its like you can't get pissy when a critic notices your very rookie mistakes#that frankly you shouldn't be making at a high level of prestigious art.#also for me any art thats like 'look this critic character is so mean they just hurt the poor artists' will literally never play#if one honest negative review shuttered your small business restaurant then maybe you were bad at food. sorry#AND LIKE. ok i know plenty of art has been unfairly panned by critics who didnt really get it#but in my eyes when i see a piece of art complain abt critics it doesnt come across that way#its more like 'im a scam artist and i dont like that critics can call me out for making garbage and passing it off as art'#thats just always how it plays to my eyes and ears yknow#like it feels overly defensive and thin skinned like you just cant handle people not liking your creation.#so yeah. im always gonna like default to 'idk man maybe the critics had a point about you'#im also just in general like. i dont often agree with professional critics but im glad they exist. im pro critique.#which makes me biased lol
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I'm not sure why people go into fandom tags to shit on fictional media they voluntarily choose to read. Especially when there are versions of the media made available to avoid the stuff they don't like. It seems like a weird form of self-harm and trying to be kind of an asshole to a community you seem to not like anyway.
#fandom stuff#easy block#yes saying you didn't like a thing is no less critique than someone writing essays about how metaphors are mishandled#I've hate read stuff too but I don't blog on here about it#and people say I'm overly critical of shit and do not know joy#maybe stop yucking other people's yum#if you're tagging a public post you want it to be found by the community that uses that tag#that is a weird way to try and join said community which probably likes the thing you are shitting on#different critique rings different I guess#I'm all for critique but some of it just feels like a weird way to spend your free time#heck I leave negative reviews. Sometimes very negative reviews.#on review sites#not on community pages or tags#the number of folks who join fandoms I'm in expecting me to agree that x is gross#when it's like my guy I have written so much x you have come to the wrong person
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you’re very passionate about all the things you talk about and its really cool to see you ramble about things you care about because its clear that you care about it
oh!!! thats actually about one of the nicest things ive been told it means a lot to me :] thats very much how i try to come off as! i just truly have so so many things i love and things i am passionate about, and i think being truly and openly passionate about the things i like is the happiest way i can live my life and its good to let my tumblr blog be a channel for that. and im glad if you can enjoy sticking around!
#like truly i worry if i come off as no genuine or forced when i post online on this very peppy and overly positive mood and stuff#its just that while i do have negative feelings and think about serious subjects and have things that i hate or that upset me#i just realized posting about those things online always just made me feel worse and never did anything useful#so rn really im just attempting to keep negative feelings mostly to myself or friends in private#and just dedicate my online time to engaging with things i like and enjoy#and well i do feel much better!! ive generally been feeling very well and also more. comfortable with myself and my interests i think#idk ive been trying word these tags without rambling too much for a long time LOL idk i just feel well and when i feel well i act like this#im just a very passionate soul lots of love in my heart autism in my brain etc.#ask#anon
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So I found out upon checking my email this morning that the therapy appointment isn't in the health building like I thought, but rather in the basement of a boy's only dorm further north
Which brings up two problems: that's even further away than I'd accounted for, and I find it SUPREMELY uncomfortable to go to a boy's only dorm for therapy, even if the office is in one of the general areas.
I'd already been conceding on the matter of agreeing to talk to a man, since I'm generally uncomfortable with talking to men I don't know, but it was the soonest appointment I could get... so I agreed to it, but finding out it's in the boy's only dorm is just Too Much. Not only would it make it even harder to get there, but my skin just kinda crawls thinking about baring my fuckin heart in a place so thoroughly meant for guys. Like it's a place I don't belong, which REALLY does not help give the comfort kinda required of such an appointment.
I called the office asking if the appointment could be set up on zoom (bc it mentioned it in the email), but the therapist was staunch on it being in-person, so I rescheduled with a different person for the 13th. Bc if this dude isn't gonna be understanding with my discomfort with the location, like fuckin hell I'm gonna let myself be emotionally vulnerable with him. Bet he was thinking I was being too picky like "Oh it's a stupid Girl who can't handle being around Men" like sorry I have a healthy fear of guys I don't know 😋😋😋😋😋 if U have a problem with it then change society so talking to unknown men doesn't feel like walking in a minefield. Thanks.
#speculation nation#so. no appointment today. i asked the receptionist just to be Sure of the location for the one next week#and yeah it's not gonna be in a fucking boy's only dorm#genuinely why the hell did they schedule me with someone there. ugh.#bit of a bummer but i do feel like i dodged a bullet#bc if the dude isnt gonna be understanding about this. why would he be understanding about other things?#bc ultimately this comes down to an accomodation for anxiety. he may think it's senseless but it's real to me.#being around men i dont know is just so uncomfortable. makes me so nervous. and Especially at a boy's college dorm...#if the guy cant concede to that then i cant trust him to be understanding of my other Issues. so it's better like this.#really fuckin annoying though. but i cant say i'm disappointed to have the extra time in my morning.#so it's... fine. i'll manage. im just vaguely disgruntled by it all.#negative/#Probs. im certainly complaining enough.#& pls dont come at me with the 'not all men' shtick. i Know majority of men are just normal people#but even among normal men i sometimes just feel like a hunk of meat to them#once i know a man & know hes not gonna try to hit on me or be creepy to me then i'm just fine#but unknown men. anything could happen. even an okay man could make me uncomfortable if he's overly friendly or hits on me#this is just basic self preservation ok. if youre a small 'girl' you learn very young to be careful with these things. ok.#anyways so that's My morning lol. ugh
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#okay complaining again and i cant tell if im overreacting this time or what#but this has been plaguing my brain since yesterday /neg#so i brought in a piece to submit to the art show and my professor looks at the information and goes ‘why dont you want to sell it?’#and i go ‘because i like it too much’ and without hesitation she goes ‘thats a terrible excuse’#and then proceeds to go on a rant about how you should always try to sell your art at art shows and told us we’ll regret it if we dont#but in my head ofc i feel like shes yelling at me for not wanting to sell my art#like. 1: i havent drawn anything i actually like in months aside from a few projects#and 2: why does it matter so much to her that i dont sell *my art* this time around#the world will still go on even if i dont sell it :/#i wasnt gonna let her be the reason i put that up for sale. especially not under that influence#if im really proud of something and id like for it to be sold. then i will gladly do so#im not just gonna have her get on my ass about not selling my art and have her be the reason i sell a piece just bc she kinda yelled at me#and i understand shes coming from experience but like.#dawg im gonna think youre yelling at me and pressuring me if this is the way youre going with it :/#ik that professors are supposed to push you and thats great. but she kinda. makes me want to quit taking college art classes altogether#uuurrghhggh#:/#kazzy complains#maybe im overthinking it#maybe its just me being a bit overly sensitive and crabby as of recently but that doesnt make it sting any less#sorry ive been complaining a lot recently i just. really havent felt that great in a hot minute and its kinda getting worse#im certain its because of biological reasons coming up but rrgghghhhrghh bark bark bark bark#edit: NO BECAUSE AT THJS POINT I JUST SHOULDVE TOLD HER I DIDNT WANT TO SELL IT JUST BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO.#AT THIS FUCKING POINT
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by the way, if for any reason i end up posting anything else negative about purgatory, it'll continue to be under the tag #qpurgatory 2 crit! i think the admins resolved the situation perfectly today; the original elimination was scuffed for a bunch of reasons, but the way they resolved it seemed like the fairest way to handle it. i'm grateful to them for this event and for finding a way to make it work that would be fair to everyone. <3
that said, i'm mentioning that tag now because i'm unfortunately rather competitive, and while it's important to me not to get toxic, i very likely might mald over my favorite team ending up in a bad situation again lol
i don't expect i'll do more than lightheartedly yell at tubbo or comment on an aspect of the way the event's run, because it's important to me that my annoyance never turns into an attack on the players or the admins. i think it's fair to say i'd be a huge hypocrite if i get annoyed at players taking advantage of features lol
#qpurgatory 2 crit#<- feel free to block that#i'm just posting this because i'm competitive and have very little faith in my team surviving tomorrow#so i might end up with more posts during tomorrow's event like the ones from today's just because i'll likely get frustrated#i don't think i'm overly negative or anything but it is a slight break from the norm#so i figured i'd provide the tag for people to block in advance if they'd like! <3#anyway thinking about the event made me feel so much love for the people involved so a sappy post is coming next lol
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Astrology observations-33
I notice a lot of Taurus moon/mars people tend to hoard a lot. I’ve seen ppl with this placement go thru periods in their life where they lost a lot of valuable things whether it be because of money issues of moving away or they may have had a period in their lives where material possessions were very scarce.
Venus in retrograde people tend to come off very cold in social situations. I’ve only seen a handful of ppl with this placement bc it’s quiet rare to find but I notice they tend to lack social graces so people assume they are rude☹️ but deep down these ppl are so shy and sweet. I also notice this is lowkey a beauty aspect like ppl with this placement be sooo FINE but they never see it themselves (similar to Venus square Ascendant)
Saturn square Venus synastry is SOOOO annoying to have for both parties. You both wanna connect badly but everytime you interact there’s this overly formal way you guys about things especially on Saturns end. These people are so attracted to eachother too but there’s always something that keeps you from really getting to know this person whether it be distance, vulnerability problems, communication barriers ect. It usually takes these people a long ass time to connect but when they do it’s so long lasting just takes a lot of trust.
Aries sun/venus tend to try to over dominate their partners and friends a lot. I notice these people always try to compete with others to prove their superiority. This can cause them to have a bully reputation.
Mars in Taurus’s tend to work best when they are working with their hands ESPECIALLY in nature. They are usually amazing farmers/gardeners.
Mars in 3rd house people tend to have a very intense relationship with their siblings. They usually grew up arguing with them a lot or not getting along. Could also indicate having aggressive siblings. Could have a lot of resentment towards them.
Dating a Sag Venus & Aqua Venus just feels like you’re being friendzoned😭
Scorpio moons tend to get really embarrassed when they act out of emotion (Scorpio suns too but Scorpio moons definitely take the cake) they can lose control of their emotions for a second then start ghosting you for like a year lmao.
Aquarius risings are all soo hottt but when you get to know them deeper your just kinda like “????” Uk
Aquarius suns tend to be the least ambitious. They aren’t as attached to money like most I notice. (Unless they got a lot of Taurus and Capricorn)
Virgo moons are such clean girls 🧼
Venus in the 7th house people (especially with libra in the big three) usually can’t be alone for too long. Needs a lot of romantic attention to function. I notice if they don’t get that they tend to lowkey self destruct and go back to toxic exes.
Venus in the 2nd house people have the best self esteem. People usually only associate this placement with finances but people forget 2nd house also rules self worth. When positively aspected these people have such a deep love for themselves which turns them into a magnet. However If underdeveloped they can be very pessimistic & greedy & attract a lot of narcissists that use them for their $$.
Aries sun Cap moon people tend to be bullies.
Lilith in Pisces people tend to victimize themselves in every situation where they may be viewed negatively. They hate being held accountable for their faults.
Aries placements love provoking people and pushing their buttons. They find it stimulating.
Do not argue with someone with a Virgo moon and Scorpio Mars unless you’re ready to cry your eyes out for months
Taurus moons are usually very shy especially with a water/earth mercury it can be harder for these people to make friends due to their fear of getting out their comfort zone. You usually have to be very patient with these people they scope you out for awhile before they decide they want to be friends. Be lucky if they pick you too cuz they are PICKY.
When a Scorpio rising is attracted to you they will STAREEE INTO YOUR EYES. They are the masters at silent seduction. They won’t be overly flirtatious but the minutes they look at you it’s like they’re looking into your soul. And while it can make your heart stop it is very intimidating at times. You see so much obsession in their eyes when they like you. But when they hate you it’s like you’re invisible to them they won’t even acknowledge your presence most of the time.
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⚠️ Feminization, Misgendering, Forced detrans kink ahead! ⚠️
Today is a scary day for you. As a trans man, finding the right therapist is far more difficult than it is for most people, especially as you weren’t looking for just a new therapist today. You also need someone to write you a top surgery letter. Although you’ve only been on T for 2 months, barely enough to notice anything besides an increased libido and clit growth, your breasts are by far your biggest source of dysphoria. You often wear two binders when you’re going anywhere, and even then, a sizable bump is visible on your chest. You’re hoping they may become easier to bind with hormones, but you already know that you’ll need surgery regardless.
“Milo Brown?” A masculine voice calls your name from across the room. Glancing up, you see a very attractive man, much taller than you, looking to be in good shape under his professional attire, but not overly muscular. His dark shoulder-length wavy hair and stubble complement his gentle, masculine face and warm brown eyes.
Surprised by the man’s beauty, you stumble on your words as you rise from your seat. “I- uh- I’m here.”
“Great! Let’s get back to my office.” He smiles warmly and gestures for you to follow him out of the waiting room and down a hallway, passing mostly empty offices on the way. This doesn’t seem too odd, as there was construction on the lower floor. Maybe some patients didn’t like the noise and cancelled? Or maybe you’re trying to distract yourself from thinking of the exceedingly attractive man that may soon be your therapist. You’ve considered yourself gay since coming out, but starting hormones has certainly made that attraction all the more apparent.
As he opens his office door, you’re surprised by how casual it is. There’s a long couch next to an armchair, with a clipboard set neatly on top. His desk is to the side, seemingly ignored while clients were present in favor of a more personal layout. Thinking of something to say as you sat on the couch, you spit out “I like your office.”
“Thank you Milo, I spent a lot of time thinking of the anatomy of the room and how to make my clients most at ease. I find this works best.” He smiles at you, his eyes gentle and enticing. “I’m Dr. Sterling, I specialize in support for LGBT and FTM clients. Nice to meet you! Tell me a but about yourself and what brings you here.”
“My name is Milo Brown, I’m 19 years old, and I just started testosterone. I’ve been out as trans for a while but finally got access to hormones and I’m hoping to get top surgery as well, but I need a letter for it. I also just need support with my dysphoria and depression.” You cross your arms over your large chest self-consciously.
“Well, that’s nothing I haven’t heard before. Can you tell me more about your dysphoria regarding your chest?”
Shifting uncomfortably in your chair, you hesitantly proceed. “Every day is awful! They’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and I go to sleep trying not to feel or think about them. They’re so big and heavy that I feel them whenever I move and it makes me so dysphoric. It’s also impossible to make myself flat, so I never pass. As a gay man, it’s so hard to find a man who would want a guy with a body like mine!”
“Oh, Milo, I think that’s very negative thinking. Plenty of men would find you attractive! I thought you were quite beautiful when I saw you myself.”
You’re surprised by his words! That sounded very flirtatious, but maybe he was just trying to boost your ego. Either way, it made the empty space between your legs tingle when he said it. You also didn’t know he was queer, but it definitely makes you more comfortable with him. “Well… that does make me feel better. I still don’t feel comfortable with my chest though.”
“Why don’t we try something? This is an exercise I’ve done with plenty of my transmasuline patients before, and it has always improved their lives and helped with dysphoria. While we do it, I can assess you for top surgery as well! How does that sound?” He smiled at you expectingly.
“Uhhh… yeah, that sounds good. What are we doing?”
“I’m just going to have you answer some questions about your body and dysphoria. This may get uncomfortable, but it’s all part of this process. I’m sure you can trust me, right?”
“Of course!” You answer instinctively.
“Right. First, I want you to take off your shirt and binder.” He instructs casually.
“What!? I thought we were just answering questions. Is that necessary?” You’re again surprised, he wasn’t a surgeon and you had never shown anyone your chest before. You didn’t want to look at it yourself, much less this beautiful man you’re expecting to see regularly!
“I understand this is surprising and uncomfortable, but I want to understand your perspective on your body, as well as assess the size and density for surgery. I need to know this for the letter, and I understand this is very important to you. I’m sorry for the discomfort, Milo.” He looked at you apologetically, his brown eyes sparkling, staring in to your soul and shooting down between your legs.
“I… okay.” What he was saying did make sense, and you would do most anything for this surgery. Resolving to just get this over with, you take off your oversized hoodie and throw it on the couch next to you. Grabbing both binders at once, you exert a herculean force squeezing yourself out, panting as your huge breasts fly out. You blush with embarrassment as a loud clap can be heard from them swinging together.
Dr. Sterling calmly walks closer to you. “Do you know your cup size?”
“Uh… no, sorry.”
“That’s alright, we can measure now.” He smiles warmly and pulls out some measuring tape. Without hesitation, he walks up to you and wraps it around your chest! He first measures your underbust before moving to measure your bust. His hands rest on your breasts as he does so. “Alright… looks like you have J cups.” His hand brushes your nipple as he backs away.
“Mmph!” Involuntarily, you let out a short, feminine moan. Both the dysphoria of knowing your overwhelming cup size and your accidental vocalization leave you embarrassed and blushing harder than ever.
“It doesn’t seem like you’ve experienced any vocal changes from testosterone.” He observes.
“Umm… not yet, no.”
“It also seems like you have quite sensitive nipples?”
“I guess…”
“Well, have you ever considered embracing your breasts?”
“Huh?” You were confused. They made you sad and dysphoric, how could you ever embrace them? He did say whatever he was doing worked for all of his other transmasc patients, but this seemed absurd.
“Your breast are way too big to bind properly. I’ve seen you wearing two binders in here, and that is not healthy. As your therapist, I can’t encourage you to damage your body in such a way, and especially without two binders, you wouldn’t be able to hide them at all anyways. And why go through the trouble of binding if everyone can tell? It might do you some good to just accept your body as it is. It’s not like whether you bind now will affect surgery.”
Unfortunately, everything he was saying made perfect sense. Even when binding, it was very obvious you had breasts. Why go through all the trouble, especially if it was hurting your body? You were dysphoric either way, might as well be more comfortable physically. “I guess… I guess you’re right.”
“Yes… unfortunately it’s also not very possible hormones could reduce them to a bindable size either.”
This devastated you. Even later on testosterone, you would have obvious breasts? How could you expect anyone to take you seriously as a man? You had hoped to begin passing in public soon, and finally begin living comfortably, but you weren’t so sure now. Would it even be safe to live as a non-passing trans man? Why were you going through so much for hormones if there was no hope of passing before surgery anyways? Maybe you should just wait until then for hormones- no one will gender you right as you are now. “Maybe… maybe I should pause testosterone until surgery then.”
“Yes, I can see why. That might be the safest option for you.” He nodded solemnly. “We can practice some exercises to reduce dysphoria until then, if you’d like.” His frown shifted in to a comforting smile.
Still upset, you nodded.
He moved closer and, before you could react, placed one hand on each perky, round breast, grabbing you by the boobs.
Surprised, you squeaked.
“This is just to get you used to your breasts. It often helps most when someone else does it, so you’re more comfortable with other people seeing them.” He gently squeezed and pulled, running his fingers along your supple breasts, warm palms pressing your hard nipples.
“Mmmmmm-! Oooh!” You let out a series of feminine wails as the doctor palms at your breasts. They were so sensitive and they felt so heavy- so wrong on your body- and yet they sent waves of pleasure throughout your curvy figure.
“Are you still going to go by Milo? I mean, you’re stopping T until surgery because you won’t be able to pass. It would be weird to only keep the name and pronouns, especially for strangers.” His hands shifted to thumb at your nipples.
Your thoughts were flooded with waves of pleasure shooting from your tits. The importance of this decision didn’t fully register, but what he was saying made sense to you. “You’re right.”
“Good girl.”
“Huhh…”
“People are going to refer to you by what you look like. You know you don’t pass. This is just exposure training, okay?”
“Okay…” You mindlessly agree as he moves his head close to your breast.
“See? You are a good girl.” He starts to suck on your nipple, causing you to throw your head back and wail in pleasure. You don’t know when his own clothes came off, but he’s getting on top of you and pulling your pants off, leaving you in just your boxers with his much larger biologically male body pinning you down, suddenly kissing your lips.
“What… what are you doing now, d-doctor…” he cuts you off as you pant your words out.
“The easiest way to adapt to and accept being seen as a woman is to have sex with a straight man, one who can use you as only male can use female. You need this, Amelia. It’s okay.”
Hearing your deadname makes you cringe with dysphoria. You’ve always felt an aversion towards it, despising the femininity it signaled. You struggle to reconcile your attraction to the doctor and trust in his methods to your current panic. This all felt good and sounded logical but it’s happening too fast to react, and these are all such big decisions, and suddenly he’s pulling your boxers off.
“Your pussy is so perfect. You make such a sexy woman.” He rubs the length of his cock along your clit and hole. The distinction between your pathetic nub and his masculine length is obvious. He gropes your massive jiggling breasts, squeezing them together and lowering his head to kiss and suck your nipples as his dick prods your entrance.
“Doctor Sterling…” You moan his name as his assault on your tits grows heavier. He sloppily makes out with your huge boobs, enjoying every second he can get drowning in your massive breasts.
He momentarily pulls his mouth from your tits. “Yes… fuck, Amelia!” He rams his hard cock all the way inside you, hitting your cervix as he moans your deadname, resuming his assault on your massive wobbling boobs all the while.
You scream and wail, unsure if it’s in pleasure or some mix of dysphoria and grief for your lost ambitions. Whatever male identity you insisted on was currently obstructed by your massive tits and the straight man enjoying them as he pounded in to your soft, tight vagina. Anyone who saw you two would know immediately that this was heterosexual sex- they would never stop to consider you could be anything but a curvy woman being held down and fucked by a handsome man. Suddenly, the doctor’s thrusts sped up. You forgot condoms, and you’re barely on T!
Right as you open your mouth, he interrupts. “I’m gonna cum, Amelia! I’m cumming inside you!” He holds himself against your cervix, comforting you as you begin to scream. “Shhh, good girl, it’s okay.”
You feel his hot cum flood in to your unprotected pussy, tears falling from your eyes. Feeling the sticky cum start to leak out, you manage to speak. “Do… do you have a towel?”
“Uhhh… here!” He grabs your binders and rips them both, turning them in to makeshift towels as he pulls out, along with a flood of cum.
You know you said you wouldn’t bind anymore, but having the option taken away made everything all the more real. You know it was for the best tho. He specializes in helping trans men, and he said this always works. You just have to trust him! As time runs out, you don’t even realize you forgot to finish your top surgery letter.
Still… you couldn’t wait to book your next session.
#detrans kink#detrans me#detransition kink#fakeboy#forced detrans#ftm detrans kink#ftm misgendering#ftmtf kink#ftm correctional therapy#ftmtf cnc#ftmtf breeding#ftmtf nsft
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Astro Observations/Opinions (Tropical Astrology Edition) Part Two
Hey guys! Thank you for the support of my last tropical edition🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾! I appreciate y’all so much!
I can’t wait to share what observations I have, so let’s start!
These are based on my perspective of placements and signs, so take what resonates and leave what doesn’t🫶🏾 I’d love to hear y’all’s take as well!
1. Pluto in the 1st house/Scorpio ascendants are secretive when it comes to their private life but at the same time if you really knew one you’d know that they don’t have anything special to their lives (NO SHADE ONE BIT) they just hide themselves and the more they hide the more interested people are of them but once they share it’s kinda like 🫥. like it’s the climax we expect but when in reality is just like everyone else’s. They are very magnetic and alluring HEHE like they walk in a room and EVERYONE cocks their heads but tbh they’re just like everyone else they just have a great way of hiding it to seem like it’s otherwise. For instance, we all wanna know BEYONCÉ and most people wish she wasn’t so secretive but at the same time her life consists of traveling, motherhood, touring, and singing and dancing like tbh in the grand scheme of things is very mundane. Not saying there’s nothing interesting abt her (NOT SAYING THAT AT ALL) but their lives are mundane (like the lady gaga meme “bus, another club, no sleep) like they do the same shit😭 imo (like there so only but so much they can do that’s new and interesting as opposed of what she’s been doing for 20 years atp) But at the same time, when they do share a part of themselves, people become extremely aggressive and provoked by the pluto in the 1st house for NO REASON (like beyoncé sharing her hair videos and people were so negative and saying that it was weave when it clearly isn’t, black women can grow long hair yk????) ESP when her daughter blue ivy was teared apart in the media for having more features of Jay Z than beyoncé like imagine having your child being hated and trashed on for something they can’t control???? no wonder why they don’t share and are secretive because people really tear apart what they have so🥺just my two thoughts but also some are overly secretive for no reason at times like 😀
2. Pisces placements are just as vindictive as scorpios lol like…. don’t let their delusional quirk fool you. yes are they delusional, YES AND they shouldn’t be hated for it all the time imo bc they are a very sensitive sign (like anyone with pisces or neptune personal aspects will understand like CRYING over the littlest thing, very emotionally receptive and can feel others emotions like mf) butttttrrrr sometimes they can use that against you lol
3. Gemini placements get wayy too much hate for no reason like 😭two faced and be called ANYTHING out the woodwork Lmao and not to say it isn’t true but at the same time gemini’s really are chameleons and they can get along and with anything and anyone tbh. Doesn’t mean they’re two faced for having completely different personalities, they really just blend in with any group they want to, they are veryyyygy mentally smart and have a great way of words. gemini placements are extremely perceptive too which people forget😭like GEMINIS CAN READ A BITCH really fast and that’s a underestimated part of them. Tbh in tarot they rule the lovers and i feel like if we’re going to hate on anyone it should be the devils (LMAO capricorns as they are ruled by them in tarot but i’m just kidding no sign should be hated more than the next)
4. Leo risings are insecure and they make people insecure very easily. Leo’s really do overpower a room like scorpios, and as much as people hate on leo placements i feel like they have such great magnetism and charisma that not a lot of other signs may have. Like scorpio risings, leo risings walk into a room and because their energy isn’t off putting anyone and everyone gravitates to leo risings (my mom is a leo rising and anywhere and everywhere so many people come up to strike a conversation with her lol) and that makes a lottttttt of people insecure. but although leos portray and exude confidence, they really do think of themselves as inferior sometimes (which can make them very prideful and “narcissistic” as others would say because both of those come out of insecurity).
5. Taurus venus women voices are sooo fucking powerful and soft like i’m so jealous (ariana grande, lana del ray, victoria monet, chris brown🤢, demi lovato) like they sing SOOO well i rarely meet a taurus venus that can’t sing. sound like goddesses real bad (taurus mercury’s to an certain extent have the same energy).
6. Virgos, you know you don’t have to overextend yourselfs to everyone🥺 BABY GIVE URSELF that energy you give others. On the topic of virgos, why are virgo moons so hypocritical?😭
7. Saturn in the 1st house people i feel so bad for y’all. Y’all never really let yallsevles loose and that’s a placement that can indicate suffering from depression 🥺
8. Aquarius’s are so fucking smart like everyone aquarius i know graduated a year early due to GREAT GRADES and a great sat/act. I think one that I knew went to an elite school and got a full ride likeee y’all are so fucking smart like I GOTTA SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACKK.
9. i’ve never met any person with venus mars aspects (even in harsh ones) that was not fine 😋
10. if you want a sugar daddy/sugar baby, find someone with planets in your 2nd house (benefic planets such as venus, sun, mercury, jupiter) and even 8th house hehe i shared 2nd house synastry with someone and they used to send me money like every week or so
11. 8th house synastry with mars is better than 5th house synastry (unless the two are paired together 😏) i had better experiences with 8th house mars synastry than 5th house synastry (5th house is super fun but sometimes it has no substance) but for anyone who is crushing on someone who has planets in ur 12th house, BE CAUTIOUS!
That’s it is! Thank you for reading and have a good day!!
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Do you really love yourself?
Many times in the past, I believed I was operating out of self-love. However, it was only when I began focusing on personal growth and engaging in shadow work and inner healing that I came to understand that my previous perception was not accurate.
Sometimes, we believe we're being kind to ourselves because we do things that feel good or seem helpful at first. We might do these things because we want to feel better or think they're good for us.
To become aware that something might not be truly self loving, we need to pay attention to how things make us feel in the long run. If something we're doing ends up making us feel unhappy, stressed, or even harms us over time, that's a sign that it might not be coming from genuine self love. So, it's important to regularly check in with our feelings and reflect on whether our actions are bringing us real and lasting happiness and well-being.
These are some examples you may relate to, where we might think we're operating out of self-love, but it may not truly be the case:
Self-Care:
Binge watching TV shows for hours, thinking it's self-care, but it leads to neglecting other responsibilities.
Regularly indulging in unhealthy foods as a form of self-care, but it negatively impacts physical well-being.
Spending excessive amounts on shopping to feel better momentarily, mistaking it for self-care, when it strains finances.
Oversleeping every day, believing it's self-care, but it disrupts daily routines and productivity.
Isolating yourself from others under the guise of self-care, but it can worsen feelings of loneliness.
Skipping regular exercise, thinking you're prioritizing relaxation, but it affects overall health in the long run.
Using substances like alcohol to cope with stress, thinking it's self-care, when it may lead to dependency.
Personality:
Constantly seeking validation from others to feel worthy, assuming it's part of your personality, but it indicates low self-esteem.
Always being the peacemaker in conflicts, believing it's your personality, but it might be suppressing your true feelings.
Refusing to ask for help in any situation, thinking it's part of your personality, but it can hinder growth.
Being overly competitive and comparing yourself to others, thinking it's just your personality, but it can lead to dissatisfaction.
Being excessively introverted to the point of avoiding social interactions, thinking it's part of your personality, but it may contribute to isolation.
Always putting others' needs before your own, assuming it's your personality, but it could be detrimental to your well-being.
Constantly seeking new experiences and never committing to anything, believing it's your personality, but it might hinder progress.
Career:
Overworking and not taking breaks, assuming it's necessary for career success, but it leads to burnout.
Staying in a job you hate because it's what you're used to, thinking it's for the sake of career stability, but it prevents growth.
Avoiding asking for promotions or raises, assuming it's humility, but it might hold you back professionally.
Pursuing a career path solely for financial gain, thinking it's practical, but it can result in dissatisfaction.
Accepting workplace mistreatment in the name of job commitment, thinking it's dedication, but it's detrimental to mental health.
Focusing solely on climbing the corporate ladder, believing it's the key to success, but it may lead to neglecting other important aspects of life.
Not pursuing opportunities for skill development, thinking it's contentment, but it can hinder career advancement.
Romantic Relationships:
Ignoring your own needs to constantly please your partner, believing it's love, but it leads to codependency.
Staying in a toxic relationship because you're afraid of being alone, thinking it's love, but it harms your well-being.
Sacrificing your own dreams and goals for your partner's aspirations, mistaking it for love, when it hinders personal growth.
Avoiding conflicts at all costs, assuming it's love for peace, but it prevents healthy communication.
Idealizing your partner and overlooking their flaws, thinking it's love, but it prevents realistic understanding.
Rushing into a new relationship immediately after a breakup, thinking it's moving on, but it might be avoiding emotions.
Disregarding your own values to align with your partner's, believing it's love, when it compromises your authenticity.
Friendships:
Going along with friends' decisions even when you disagree, assuming it's loyalty, but it might lead to resentment.
Pretending to enjoy activities you dislike to fit in, thinking it's maintaining friendships, but it's not authentic.
Ignoring your own needs to help friends excessively, believing it's friendship, when it impacts your own well-being.
Staying friends with people who consistently bring you down, thinking it's loyalty, but it negatively affects your self-esteem.
Avoiding confrontation with friends, assuming it's maintaining harmony, but it might lead to unresolved issues.
Letting others take advantage of your kindness, thinking it's friendship, when it's actually being taken for granted.
Faking interest in others' conversations to avoid feeling left out, thinking it's friendship, but it prevents genuine connections.
Personal Growth:
Staying in your comfort zone and avoiding challenges, thinking it's self-preservation, when it hinders progress.
Setting unrealistic goals for personal development, believing it's ambition, but it can lead to disappointment.
Constantly seeking external validation for your progress, assuming it's self-improvement, when it should come from within.
Overloading your schedule with self-help activities, thinking it's maximizing growth, but it might cause overwhelm.
Avoiding reflection on your mistakes and shortcomings, thinking it's self-compassion, when it prevents learning.
Perpetually focusing on your flaws without celebrating achievements, thinking it's humility, but it can lead to low self-esteem.
Ignoring your emotional needs in favor of pushing through challenges, assuming it's resilience, when it might hinder emotional well-being.
Physical Health:
Skipping Meals to Lose Weight: You might think that skipping meals will help you lose weight quickly, but it can lead to nutritional deficiencies and harm your body's energy levels.
Overexercising: Working out excessively with no rest can seem like a way to get fit, but it can lead to injuries, exhaustion, and even weakened immunity.
Crash Diets: Trying extreme diets that drastically cut out food groups might seem like a fast way to lose weight, but they often lack important nutrients and can be harmful to your body.
Ignoring Sleep: Prioritizing work or entertainment over sleep might seem productive, but sleep is crucial for your body to recover and function well.
Relying on Supplements Alone: Thinking that supplements can replace a balanced diet might seem convenient, but they're meant to complement, not replace, healthy eating.
Ignoring Pain: Believing that toughing it out through pain or discomfort is a sign of strength, but it's important to listen to your body and seek medical attention when needed.
Not Staying Hydrated: Forgetting to drink enough water might not seem like a big deal, but proper hydration is vital for many bodily functions and overall well-being.
#self love journey#self development#self esteem#self worth#self help#self improvement#self love#personal improvement#personal growth#personal development
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Thank you so much for writing for Invincible!!!!!! There's hardly anything especially with a male reader
So like yandere Mark, am i right? If he were to be yandere i could totally imagine him using his powers to intimidate his lover and get rid of anyone who he doesn't like and he would act like it's your fault if you're sad when he kills someone, he got it from his dad
Mark Grayson Yandere Alphabet
I found this yandere alphabet, so I decided to fill it out for Mark :3c This is post season 2 mark, or something around that, which is why Mark is different to what Nolan would be like. Let me know if you guys wanna see more alphabets like this.
Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?
I think after everything that’s happened, Mark would be a very clingy guy. He would hug, hold, and kiss his darling any chance he gets. It can get pretty intense, like, mark holding you so hard bones would break if you try to wiggle free or if he’s feeling extra emotional, be it positive of negative. In the beginning hed be too shy to kiss you, but when he crosses that bridge, he never stops.
Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?
After everything with his dad and with Angstrom, it would be much easier for Mark to get violent and bloody, especially if he thinks someone is trying to harm you, in his opinion. And to him, anybody trying to rescue you from him is a threat.
Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?
I don’t see Mark as someone who would mock his darling. Instead, he would try to pamper you and make you love him back, to make you accept that this is your new life now and its for the best. He would be overly affectionate, to the point where its extremely overbearing. His horrible self-worth also makes you seek a lot of validation. So, all in all, he’s very draining to be around.
Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?
Mark would hug you, cuddle you and kiss you against your will. Hed go as far as to force you to take care of yourself if you don’t, either by him doing it for you, or watching you like a hawk as you do it. hed never force himself on his darling though, since he still sees himself as a hero.
Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?
He would expose his heart to you from the very beginning, since he feels so guilty about kidnapping you. Mark would just word-vomit everything he feels and how this is what he needs to do, because he loves you so much and can’t lose you.
Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?
Mark would be so sad, but he understands why his darling fights back in the beginning, at least some part of him does. But he would grow frustrated if they kept fighting back for a longer period of time, since he thinks hes doing the right thing. Why cant his darling just SEE that?
Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?
Its in no way a game for Mark, this is almost life and death for him. He hates seeing you trying to escape too, since he knows its just proof that you don’t love him back or understand his version of the truth.
Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?
Probably the fact that there is a high possibility that Mark has killed his darling’s family and loved ones, since if he killed them, there’s no reason for you to leave right? You have no one else, just him, and that’s all you need. Hes also broken many bones, sometimes without meaning too, and sometimes on purpose.
Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?
He fantasizes about an almost movie like future, with a happy spouse who loves him back just as much as he loves them, where you’ll greet him at the door and embrace him so happy he’s home. It wouldn’t be too out of this world for Mark to imagine his darling as still living in solitude in what he deemed the safest place.
Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?
Mark gets so jealous, since his mental state is already very broken. The very thought of his darling loving someone else or wanting to leave him for someone else? Its almost enough to get him spiraling, and it either leads to him having a horrible breakdown, or growing extra violent when he fights crime.
Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?
Disgustingly doting and clingy. Hes always right behind you or touching you in some way. He absolutely craves your attention and validation, and will have a panic attack if you ignore him. But he also uses a lot of guilt tripping when he isn’t getting his way, or his darling it acting out.
Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?
I imagine your relationship was actually pretty normal in the beginning, with you replacing Amber. As normal as a relationship dating a superhero is at least. So mark was kind of clumsy but so sweet and genuine. But then everything with angstrom happened, and he just kinda breaks.
Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?
Yes. Mark acts cooler and a lot more down to earth around people, suppressing the worse parts of himself. He wants to come across as a hero that everyone can look up too, which also means very few people know of your existence after you disappear.
Naughty: How would they punish their darling?
Mark doesn’t like to hurt his darling physically, but he isn’t above breaking bones. He will sob the entire time though, crying and yelling at you that this is your fault and hes only doing it because you gave him no other choice. But he prefers emotional punishment instead, like isolating you for long periods of time.
Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?
He would try to keep as many rights for his darling as possible, not wanting to damage their way of life too much. But you would have no connection to the outside world, and you defiantly wouldn’t be able to leave wherever he keeps you. If you act up too much though, then he would have to start taking privileges away, and chaining you to the bed can also be one of those privileges.
Patience: How patient are they with their darling?
He tries to be patient. Mark knows it’s a big change for you, so of course you’re gonna act out and you’re gonna scream at him and try to fight back. But it also wears on him, making his frayed edges get worse, until he just can’t take it anymore and breaks down, which only adds onto all the guilt he’s been piling on you.
Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?
No way. If his darling dies, then Mark would spiral completely out of control. He would either isolate himself completely, or snap to the point where nolans acts look like a field trip. This depends on if his darling’s death was caused by someone else though. If you leave or escape, you bet your ass Mark is coming for you again. And the GDA would most likely help him, since they know the easiest way to control Mark is to let him keep you.
Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?
Mark would feel incredibly guilty and selfish for kidnapping you, but since he thinks it’s the right thing to do, then he would learn to cope with it. There is a chance you can get him to leave you go though, if you catch him at the right time when he’s most vulnerable, and if he thinks you truly love him in return. But this would be rare, and him coming back for you would be very likely.
Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?
All the loss and chaos he’s experienced since gaining his powers. The stuff Mark has experienced is enough to break the strongest of men, and with his mental state already being so fractured, the thought of losing you would be the last push he needed.
Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?
Mark would feel so horrible about seeing his darling cry or scream, since he already feels guilty about kidnapping you. This is also why it would take him months or even longer to tell you he killed your entire family and all your loved ones, since he doesn’t want to see you cry more.
Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?
Theres so many flavours of yandere, that Marks acts would fit some type of yandere, so probably not. Maybe the fact that there is a small chance he would willingly let his darling go? Or the fact that he resorts to using his own guilt and tears to manipulate you.
Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?
Honestly just play along with his delusions, that yes Mark, this was the right idea and the world id dangerous. You love him too, and of course you’ll hold him and tell him he’s doing the right thing and being such a good hero. It wouldn’t be too hard to twist him around your finger, since he’s so starved for you and your attention. Escape would be pretty fucking hard though, since even the GDA wouldn’t help you.
Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?
Most of Mark hurting you would be accidental, if hes under a lot of stress or very wound up. But it isn’t above him to hurt you on purpose if he thinks there’s no other choice, like you trying to escape too much, or trying to attack him.
Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?
Mark would worship the very ground you walked on and would see you as the center of his universe. This is also why the GDA wouldn’t do anything, since Mark sees you as his everything, and you are human and live on earth, then he wouldn’t turn against humanity. Mark would also bend over backwards to gain his darlings affection, whatever it takes, as long as it isn’t letting you free or anything like that.
Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?
If you replaced Amber, then you two would have been dating for a while before he snaps, so he would have pined for around that time.
Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?
I don’t think he would do it on purpose, but it would come as a byproduct of his darling being isolated for so long that they just kinda break on their own. Or might be more his darling being slowly shaped into the same kind of stuff that Mark is made out of than outright breaking, since Mark still loves you for who you are. This is where he’s different from his dad.
#male reader#reader#yandere alphabet#mark grayson#invincible#invincible season 2#invincible comic#mark grayson imagine#mark grayson headcanon#mark grayson x male reader#mark grayson x reader#yandere mark grayson#yandere invincible#invincible imagine#invincible headcanon#invincible x male reader#invincible x reader#yandere x reader#yandere x male reader
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Alright since 28 is taken Ill do the next best thing 29! Graves and his shadows with M reader, who is a colonel.
I need the wholesome and maybe a bit of the spice ya know. Thank you for soing Shadow company content, i am so starved.
Once again good soup!
Here you go dude, I'm not the best when it comes to writing for a group of people so idk how this turned out :/. Play the game HERE
Prompt: Hug from behind
CW: NSFW, subbot Graves, domtop Mreader, Shadow company fluff, hug from behind, fluff, groping, handjob, cumming in pants.
Being a colonel in the Shadow company and Grave's right hand man, you had a lot of responsibilities. From running drills to stitching up wounds to writing reports and drafting contracts when your magpie of a commander sees a new person he wants to recruit; you expected to deal with a lot of shit, but never in your wildest dreams did you expect to become the Shadow Company's emotional support Colonel.
Colonel Care Bear — it was their nickname for you. You'd made the mistake of being annoyed at the name which, of course, made the little fuckers double down on it. Nothing you did made them stop, even Graves joining in their fun and calling you that instead of your name with a smug grin.
You're not even sure when or why it had started.
It wasn't like you were overly paternal, you just took care of your soldiers. In whatever ways they needed you; The first time you'd needed to give emotional support had been after Jenkins had lost his battle buddy. Jenkins was still relatively young compared to the other Shadows, a rising star that Graves had snatched up, but on the flight back to base he'd been no better than a scared kitten, desperately trying to hold in his sobs. You hadn't said a word when you had pulled him close to you, letting him cry his heart out into your shoulder.
None of the others said a word either, and you didn't bring it up after your plane had landed. You'd expected it to be a one off experience but oh — you were so wrong.
Like feral cats learning to trust a human, the Shadows started approaching you, carefully at first, standing just at the edge of your personal space nervous fingers toying with the hem of their shirts and eyes flickering between you and anything else, until you grew annoyed and pulled them close to you, letting them cry or talk or just sit with their head on your shoulder for as long as they needed; a lighthouse in a dark sea.
Then Williams, who'd had one too many bad missions, had come into your office without a word and plopped himself into your lap while you were busy doing paperwork.
You were surprised, but not too much, with how often you'd found yourself with a Shadow near you you figured something like this was bound to happen. Though you hadn't expected it to be this forward. "Bad day?" You asked.
Williams just grunted into your neck, slightly nodding his head.
You shifted to still be able to write with him in your lap. "Want me to talk?"
You felt his hair scratch your neck when he shook his head, a negative grunt leaving his throat.
"Got it." You said and went back to your work, a hand on William's hip to keep him stable.
Safe to say you weren't amused when Graves had walked in and cracked the biggest bloody smirk when he saw you like that. You were even less amused when he'd whipped out his phone and took a photo of it. And you were ready to piss in Grave's beer after that photo had circulated through the entire Shadow Company, leading to many more similar incidents of a Shadow crawling into your lap when you weren't busy.
It really wasn't their fault your embrace just felt so good and comfortable, your arms perfectly sized and muscled to put weight in your hugs, shoulders just broad enough to make them feel small and safe.
Graves knew this because when he'd needed to confiscate Smith's phone after he'd caught him taking pictures of your ass (not that he blamed him, you had a nice ass but they needed to have some professionalism) Graves had found their simp chat.
It took him days to finish reading all the messages. I mean there were hundreds of texts gushing just over you, calendrer times for when which Shadow could go bother you for attention, not to mention the countless pictures they'd taken of you, from mundane to more suggestive when you were in the communal showers (Graves would die before he admitted he'd needed to rub one out at some of the pictures).
Safe to say that when he gave Smith his phone back Graves was. . .curious. He'd never approached you for comfort like the Shadows did, mostly because he knew he couldn't keep his thoughts pure after just a few minutes in your presence, his throat going dry whenever he feels you pat his shoulder when you pass in the hall.
"Care Bear!" Graves calls when he finds you on your way to your room, using that name just so he can see the irritated twitch of your brow.
"Yes commander?" You ask in that same tone of voice you use when you know he's up to something.
"Oh come on, no need for that." Graves grins, "Ah just need you to do something for me," He says, because he wouldn't be your commander if he was straightforward. "Follow along." He motions with his hand like a dog as he passes you.
Like a dog you follow, so close you cast a partial shadow over him. He leads you to a more secluded hallway, stopping abruptly and hearing you stop too. But you're not close enough, so with an annoyed sigh he says "Come closer."
You raise an eyebrow but do as he says, taking a few short steps closer until your chest is almost touching his back. Without a word Graves suddenly grabs your arms and wraps them around his waist, leaning back on his heels until his back is flush with your chest and you're supporting his weight.
You stall for a few moments just trying to convince your head that yes, your commander is doing that. "Really?" You ask.
He tilts his head to meet your eyes, casually resting his head on your shoulder. "Something the matter Colonel Care bear?" He smirks, reminding you of a very content cat.
You give him a blank look before rolling your eyes, "Could have just said you wanted a hug." You huff and move your arms to really hug him, your hands resting comfortably on his hips, your arms caging him in, the heat of your body seeping into his, your chest rumbling as you mutter your annoyance at the damn nickname.
"What fun would that be?" He says, eyes closing.
And, Hell, Graves gets it now.
He could get addicted this. Your scent and cologne clogs his nose, the heat of your body chasing away the lingering chill of the base. You support his weight so easily it's like he's floating on a firm cloud, forgetting about ranks and war and everything for a few blissful seconds. His mind wanders; wonders what it would feel to have your strong arms pin him every day, what it'd be like to be pinned down, the current gentle pressure turned bruising and demanding, bending him in half and shit— he's hard.
And of course you notice, wouldn't be his right hand if you couldn't read him like a book. "I'm getting the impression," You note, your grip increasing just a bit to keep him still, your other hand skirting down. "That you wanted something more than just a hug." You growl and squeeze your hand, groping the bulge in his jeans.
"Shit—" Graves sucks in a breath, legs scrambling for purchase but you hold him still, his weight still on you. "—I wasn't thinking of nothing." He says quickly, the pressure of your hand on his clothed cock too good.
"Uh huh," You hum, keeping a careful eye on his facial expressions as you experimentally move your hand; Short slow brushes of your thumb against his cockhead earn you little whimpers, unable to hide them with his head still resting on your shoulder. Firm squeezes of his entire bulge has his skin turning a nice shade of pink, his ear hot beneath your tongue as you nibble on it. His thighs part as you bully your hand lower, the strong pressure of your fingers against his balls as your palm grinds into his cockhead making him moan, the stuttered attempts at explaining himself dying out as a visible damp spot grows in his jeans.
"Faster-" Graves growls, his hands grabbing purchase in your hair, yanking your head down into a rough kiss, "-mhh, faster, fuck, man-"
You smirk against his lips. "Ask me nicely." You say, purposely pulling your hand away from where he needs it the most, ignoring his disgruntled sounds. "You son of a bitch-" Graves snarls, breathing rapidly in an attempt to get his frazzled brain to work before swallowing his pride. "Please," He says it like the word hurts him.
"Please what commander?" You wonder, undoing his belt and slipping your hand into his jeans, "Please touch my cock? Please get me off? Please fuck me till I can't walk?" You throw suggestions, applying just enough pressure on his twitching cock to leave him dumbly nodding his head.
"Yes, yes, yes- oh fuck- shit yes-" Phill pants, eyes closing and weakly thrusting his hips into your hand with what leverage he has, seeking out the pleasure that comes with your calloused hand stroking his sensitive flesh. "Fuck- just, ahh-" He breathes in through clenched teeth, "-just please."
"Alright, alright," You hum, increasing your pace, the glide of skin on skin eased by the precum he's leaking, swallowing his little moans and rough grunts as you kiss him. You can tell he's nearing his end with how he begins twitching even more in your hold, hips pushing into your hand sporadically, fat tears prickling his eyes. "Come on then Commander, cum already."
He does almost as soon as you tell him to, his moan swallowed down by your lips as he cums in his pants, your thumb rubbing insistently on his tip to milk him of all he's got, strong arm keeping him close to you.
"You did good commander." You coo gently as you pull your hand out of his pants, and without waiting for a response you push your cum covered fingers into his open mouth. "Real good," You smirk when Phill immediately sucks on your fingers, his brain melted into mush and incapable of rousing his pride to feel ashamed of how he moans at the taste of his own spend. "Such a good boy," Your praise does something to him, has his cock making a valiant attempt to get hard all over again.
The air leaves his lungs when you suddenly push your hips against his ass, making him feel your own hard cock trapped in your pants. "I took care of you," You begin, pulling your fingers from his mouth. "Are you prepared to take care of me?"
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