#i feel like this crazy theory makes sense... at least to me...

[buckydeservesthebest]

I want to start by apologizing for my previous post, it was terribly terse, and I didn't explain myself as I'd have liked, as I ignored many factors that must be taken into account. The truth is that I wrote it while I was in college online classes... it wasn't my best idea...

Back to the topic. You have interesting points. I think this is a much more complex topic than we initially thought... The mouse in my head didn't stop spinning until I came up with this two-cent theory:

I’d like to start with the point that it actually makes a lot of technical sense that Bucky under the Winter Soldier programming possesses the memories of what happened in his missions prior to the memory wipe. I mean, it doesn't mean at all that every instant the WS is activated he remembers everything, but that the memories are there and when his handlers order him to give information, he can, with some effort, access them.

Let me explain, the first decades after Bucky's capture, HYDRA tried in all its capabilities to eliminate all his memories and thus make his identity disappear, as they needed a… it hurts me to say it… blank canvas that offered no resistance to start with the conditioning and programming. But we know that all this presumed "wiped" memory was never truly gone, as Bucky finally regained his identity, so in reality what they did was not to erase but only to suppress all this data in a very recondite place in the subconscious of his brain so Bucky's consciousness could not manifest itself and interfere with the Winter Soldier's programming.

But according to Zola's notes (in The Wakanda Files book) even without an outside stimulus to help him remember his past life, as Steve was, Bucky was already beginning to manifest memory fragments and emotions on his own, which is why immediately after each mission they would place him in cryostasis and at the start of each new mission they would begin the process of memory erasure and the use of trigger words.

My point is, no matter how much damage HYDRA did to Bucky's brain over the decades, they could NEVER truly erase the memories of his past life, so that means the memories Bucky acquired as the Winter Soldier could not be erased either.

In reality, it would not be convenient for them to continue to cause such severe damage to Bucky's presumed “formatted” memory, because his brain must still be able to apprehend information. In fact, it is under the REM sleep state (the type of trance to which the Winter Soldier is subjected) that the brain is most receptive to information, there the brain regions used for learning are stimulated. That makes sense why HYDRA chose this type of trance, because it is the best way to make the human brain accept new information... basically, reprogramming it.

Trying to eliminate the memories the Winter Soldier acquired during his missions is directly proportional to the brain damage caused. And severe amnesia causes damage to semantic memory (general knowledge, facts and concepts), procedural memory (this is the memory of skills and procedures), short-term memory (the ability to retain new information) and anterograde memory (refers to the difficulty to form new memories after the onset of amnesia).

All of this would be counterproductive for HYDRA, as after every memory wipe before every mission, they would have to basically retrain the Winter Soldier in combat tactics, use of weaponry, tactics to leave the scene of the crime unseen and without leaving a trace, and a long etcetera... This is definitely a situation they don't want to deal with...

This must mean that the ECT to erase Bucky's memories must be located more specifically in the oldest memories, those of his past life that make him who he is. Long-term memory is mainly stored in the hippocampus, according to the studies I could read, and precisely in the Wakanda Files book, Shuri says that this is the area most widely affected.

But leaving aside the more technical aspect, and returning to what Marvel has let us see, it is worth noting that when Zemo asked Bucky for the specific place in Siberia where he was held captive was *after* having pronounced the trigger words and the Winter Soldier was activated, because Bucky would never have shared that information voluntarily.

Zemo: "Why don't we discuss your home? Not Romania. Certainly not Brooklyn, no. I mean, your real home" (this is the moment when Zemo shows Bucky the red book and starts to say the trigger words, with no other flashing scenes).

That means Bucky did remember what he talked to Zemo about while he was under the Winter Soldier trance, because well, that's the information he gave Steve and Sam.

Also, there's the fact that Bucky remembers information about the other WS, like they were HYDRA's most efficient assassins before receiving the serum, etc... (the following flashback about them seemed to be a flashback Bucky had, at least that's the impression I got). This is information he must have heard by the time his handlers had assigned him the task of physically training them. And this seems to be something Zemo asked him as well, as Bucky thought that was the reason he wanted to get to Siberia. And in any case if this was information that Zemo told Bucky in that moment, it'd still mean that he remembers what happened under the Winter Soldier state.

And Zemo's comment: “Did you really think I wanted more of you?” reinforces the idea that they talked about it. (By “you” Zemo must be referring to Bucky, as he replies, “what the hell?” in confusion.)

So why couldn't Bucky recognize Steve and Natasha? My theory is that the WS's level of conditioning and programming is such that he is literally incapable of performing an action that is not part of the order his handlers gave him. I mean, if they ask him for information about a much earlier event, as Zemo did, Bucky is forced to go out of his way to remember and access those memory files that do exist, even if they are very hidden, but if the action of remembering is not part of the order then he doesn't have to, or rather, is unable to remember.

Note: I think this shocking degree of conditioning could be seen in the training of the other WS. For the order given to Bucky was to train them, and one of them seemed to hold the upper hand in combat. But once the situation got out of control and Korpov ordered him to get him to safety, the order changed and he was able to defeat almost all of the WS single handedly. All this maintains the familiar stance that the Winter Soldier exists only to obey... i'm not okay... 😭

Also, when Bucky questioned Pierce about who Steve was, it was because when a tiny fraction of his memories came back, a tiny fraction of his personality surfaced, and this allowed him to ask a question. For the Winter Soldier never questions, because he doesn't have that capacity. So, I wouldn't say it was so much that “what Bucky’s handler said doesn't make sense for him, but he can't be sure” but rather that he was incapable of performing on his own the act of trying to recall and access those memories of the supposed mission Pierce was telling him about. (added to the fact that his short-term and long-term memory are in constant flux, something he cannot control... I'll explain it below)

Natasha's case is simpler because the assigned mission for the Winter Soldier was to neutralize or assassinate her, remembering her was not part of the order of course, also she doesn't represent anything important in Bucky's life to remember, unlike Steve.

But he couldn't remember Steve when they met again on the Helicarrier either, right? Well, Bucky also had no flashback manifestations when Steve called him “Buck”, unlike the first time. I think it was the fact that HYDRA subjected Bucky to another ETC within a short time of each other - which they hadn't had the need to do before - or perhaps that this ECT was more intense, which caused Bucky to take much longer for a fragment of his memories to manifest.

That's why it took longer for Steve to try to get him to remember, tell him that his name is James Buchanan Barnes, that they are friends and have known each other all their lives, and it was until the end with “I'm with you until the end of the line” that finally a glimpse of Bucky's memories came back. I mean, Steve had to try a lot harder this time to get the same effect that calling him “Bucky” had the first time.

Note: I feel like besides the new ETC, the reason it took Bucky a lot longer to remember was because that was the order Pierce gave him, like “if that guy in disguise wants to make you think you know him, don't listen to him, you don't know him, don't think and just take him out” or something like that... and hence the very aggressive reaction to try to combat the resurgence of memories…

I find it interesting that at the very end of CA: TWS, despite Bucky remembering a sliver of his life, which gave him back his autonomy, there was not a flashback of his life before being captured by HYDRA to follow, unlike the first time Steve called him by name. So, I think maybe this could mean that in this case, he didn't have a manifestation of episodic memory, i.e. a memory with images, voices, etc. But rather it was a manifestation of emotional or associative memory, i.e. feeling that he knew Steve and feeling that he was a very important person to him, feeling that he was his family...

Note: Associative memory is memory through associations, such as a smell or a song, in this case I'd say it was the phrase “I'm with you until the end of the line”...

Did in the following time, more memories and flashbacks manifested in Bucky's mind? Well, this is difficult to answer, because there is nothing to indicate that his rate of memory retrieval is linear or constant, I mean, it is not continuous or patterned.

In fact, in the book The Wakanda Files, Shuri says that repaired memory centers/retrieved memories are temporary! For Bucky's short- and long-term memory are in constant flux.

"it was as if Sergeant Barnes was in REM sleep while awake, in a dream-like state where he would comply with orders. And while in this induced state of mind, his short- and long-term memory were constantly in flux. However, the shared memories of Barnes with his best friend, Steve Rogers, *momentarily* fired memory centers, jogging bits and pieces of his past life while in the sleeplike trance." “It would seem that stimulus, especially emotionally resonant stimulus – the sight of a loved one, the mentioning of a familiar phrase, etc – has the ability to access a presumed “wiped” memory in those who have been brainwashed… *at least for a fleeting moment*.” – The Wakanda Files

So, this means that if Bucky retrieves a certain amount of memories at a certain instant, he may no longer have them a moment later. That explains why his backpack was just full of notebooks with notes everything he can remember, for fear of losing those memories, just like those with Alzheimer's, as Seb put it.

So, the idea that Bucky didn't quite recognize Steve at their meeting in Bucharest is not far-fetched, because it's possible that at that time he didn't quite have memories of him or their friendship but only what he read about him in the museum. So, his response “I read about you in the museum” would technically be true!

Then, the idea that Bucky had access to all the memories of his past life at the end of CA: TWS is actually not correct. In fact, it can be seen in CW, in the talk he had with Steve when they arrived in Siberia, that the memories of their childhood together were something he was remembering even at that point, as he didn't remember Dolores' name, for example. The point is, each and every one of Bucky's memories come and go (maybe only until before he got help from Wakanda), so they can be there one moment and for the other not, he can go a long time with no trouble remembering and a second later lose a bit of information.

Now, according to all this we can make a relationship between the percentage of memory obtained, the percentage of personality/identity manifested and the degree of influence of the Winter Soldier programming. We have that:

Percentage of memories gained is proportional to percentage of identity manifested.

% of acquired memories = % of manifested identity.

The percentage of manisfested identity is inversely proportional to the degree of influence of the Winter Soldier's programming.

In other words, the more memories Bucky recovers, the more of his personality comes to the surface and the less effect the WS trance state has on him.

This may explain the change in Bucky's personality at the beginning in Bucharest, for if by that time the amount of memories he possessed was small, i.e. his manifested personality was not complete (ergo: the Winter Soldier trance state was still influencing his behavior), then his continued nervousness and hyper-vigilance - yes, this in addition to the PTSD already present - was normal. And this would explain the slightly more aggressive behavior when fighting the SWAT team in the fight in his apartment. Also, did you notice how Bucky knocked Steve down immediately after he touched his shoulder? It was a self-defense reaction based on the tension induced by the trance-like state of the Winter Soldier.

Note: I believe Bucky was really really trying hard not to kill or hurt anyone, but the influence of the WS trance-type, which is mostly violence, was still having an effect on him (sorry if I have said it many times already, but I feel that if I don't, the sentence loses meaning), so he couldn't control the aggressiveness of his fighting form even when he tried. But our boy is so good that in the end he was able to control himself enough to actually not kill anyone... :')

Now, following this logic, this would also explain Bucky's more relaxed and cooperative behavior after passing out, as the severe head concussion would have brought back his memories/consciousness in a way analogous to how the emotional stimuli from the outside (the power of friendship) did the two times in CA: TWS. That being the case, Bucky immediately recognized his best friend and returned that affection and that gentle, soft manner with which he always treated him in the past.

Note: This means that the concussion to the head had a greater effect in giving Bucky back some of his memory, as opposed to the external emotional stimuli whose effect seems smaller (sorry Steve).

You can see in his body language how the memories started to flow in his mind… “Your mom's name was Sarah...You used to wear newspapers in your shoes.” He even laughed when he said this! That is a spontaneous reaction to a thought that is forming at that moment.

So, the sequence of events, where Bucky first asks “what did I do?” and then with effort remembers what he talked to Zemo after the Winter Soldier was activated, is not contradictory, because:

i) His short and long term memory is in constant flux.

ii) He had just woken up from a concussion fainting so it's natural that he was confused and that it took a while for his memories to start flowing.

Note: In this scene he appears to hit his head as he releases his arm from the chair, was this intentional? Was he trying to knock himself out before Zemo finished uttering the trigger words? Had he succeeded, he would have regained his memories upon awakening... 😭😭

Now, finally speaking of Tony, does it make sense that Bucky said he remembers all the victims he was forced to kill? The answer is yes, it can make sense, in the interpretation in which that information exists in Bucky's brain, those memories are stored there. And Bucky's ability to access those memories, while volatile, also exists. And by probability, the possibility that at some point in time all of those memories will suddenly appear in Bucky's mind, also exists.

Perhaps... perhaps and at that moment, in which Bucky said that to Tony, he had indeed remembered a large number of those victims, maybe not all of them because he could not be sure, but a considerable amount that in the metaphorical sense can be taken as “all”... that is possible...

Then there is the more symbolic perspective of the situation, where saying “I remember all of them” is a way of saying “all those deaths are something I'll carry forever, even if I don't remember literally all their faces... their deaths matter to me....” ... this is the interpretation I always had of the scene....

Note 1: But I also agree with the interpretation that by saying this, even when true, Bucky was giving Tony the excuse he was looking for to try to kill him... and if someone had to die there, Bucky wanted to make sure that was him... tell me our boy is one of the noblest characters of all without telling me! 😭 Note 2: I totally agree that, although Bucky remembers the people he was forced to kill, it would be in any case, a memory of only their faces and not their identities, because this cannot be deduced (unless HYDRA gave him the names, but I think this was never shown), as in the case of Tony's parents, certainly Bucky did not know their identity until the moment he saw the recording...

So, well, I feel all of this would disprove the idea that Bucky tends to lie or fudge the truth about his memories to put the situation in his favor (which, indeed, there is absolutely nothing wrong with), because Bucky is at the mercy of the volatility of the manifestation of his memories, and he can only rely on what he remembers at the time. Also, nothing that has been seen about Bucky indicates that he ever lied to turn things on his favor.

We can come to the conclusion that it is not a question of whether in the ABC situations he was Bucky or was not (not counting the time he was under the control of HYDRA, because here Bucky did not exist), but the percentage of Bucky's consciousness/personality that manifests. Nor about whether his memories are reliable or not, but about the volatile flow of memories that come and go and the ability to access this information that always exists.

*Again, I apologize for the wrong impression I gave in my first post, on the subject of emotional detachment to memories and whether Bucky's memories were reliable or not, i expressed myself terribly badly, so please feel free to ignore it.*

.

Now, talking about whether TFATWS confirmed the fact that Bucky remembers everyone. The short answer is yes. This was the premise of the series, and the book "The Falcon and The Winter Soldier: The Art of the Series", which we can consider canon because it was published by the entire production of the series, clarifies it:

In fact, Bucky's line in episode 6 also confirms it: “You think your cause justifies all this death, but in the end, the nightmares won’t go away. You’re gonna remember all the ones you killed. Trust me. Don’t do this. Don’t go down this path.” (no Bucky, HYDRA was never your cause, because your consciousness didn't even exist at that time!)

There is also Spellman's comment he gave in an interview: "So when Bucky enters the series, he's never ever shaken what he believes, which is, 'I remember everyone, murders, which means that part of me was there, which means a part of the Winter Soldier is me.' And if even a fraction of Winter Soldier is you, you are an awful person."

Talking about the idea that the show doesn't explicitly say that Bucky's nightmares are memories. Actually, the show did say that, again in a Bucky line:

Sam: “You still having those nightmares?”

Bucky: “All the time. It means I remember. It means a part of me is still there. Which means a part of the Winter Soldier’s still in me."

Yeah, it’s clear that he seeks information about those victims in order to make amends, but those nightmares are still memories, because those events are information, and well, by definition a memory is the brain's ability to retain and retrieve information.

Nightmare = Memory = Information

Speaking about the amends, well, in fact, it was never explicitly said that the government imposed them on Bucky as a condition of his pardon. In reality, only mandatory therapy was discussed as the only condition. That's why in episode two, the cops arrested him for not attending the mandatory session.

In the conversation between Bucky and Dr. Raynor it is made clear that it is the government's intention to be sure that he is a “non-dangerous member for society” (the real dangerous people were the ones who at the time were the Winter Soldier's handlers, as by himself he didn't have the capacity to do anything!). And therefore, the necessity of mandatory therapy...

“You’re a civilian now. With your history, the government needs to know that you’re not gonna… It’s a condition of your pardon. So, tell me about your most recent nightmare.”

That's why the only issue she wants to talk about is whether he's still having nightmares, not whether he's made progress with the amendments: “So, Mr. Barnes, are you still having nightmares?” “So, tell me about your most recent nightmare.”

And later again: “So, you did it all right, but it didn’t help with the nightmares.”

It seems that for Dr. Raynor nightmares are considered as “a sign that something is not right" (no! they are a manifestation of PTSD caused by decades of torture and are treated with years of a real healthy therapy!), so it has to be worked on so that Bucky can reintegrate into society. And for that, it was concluded that Bucky “had to make amends to make him feel better" (that's not how this works, on the contrary, it's only harmful to him!).

It always seemed to me that amends are something that Bucky wanted to do. I mean, it's an idea that came from him. He let Dr. Raynor know about it at some point and she imposed those “three rules” on him...

And about the idea that Bucky didn't have nightmares in Louisiana because he wasn't thinking about the list. Actually, Bucky told Sam that he has nightmares all the time... this has nothing to do with thinking about that list or not...

Sam: “You still having those nightmares?”

Bucky: “All the time....”

Again, nightmares are one of the many ways in which PTSD manifests itself and depending on the severity (Bucky's case must be the most severe there has ever been) it requires years or decades of real healthy therapy to disappear, if it disappears at all. In addition, what Bucky suffers from is NOT only PTSD, but irreversible brain damage and many serious mental illnesses... and none of this is going to magically disappear because of "Sam's motivational speech and putting himself at the service of others" (which is nothing more than victim blaming and... ahhh.. but I won't talk about it right now)...

So, the possibility Bucky will always have nightmares is very high... 😢😭

Maybe this is part of the reason we find him in such a depressing state in Thunderbolts???? :'((((

“That line was an interesting moment. At the time, the choice I was making is that [Bucky] had realized there was no way he was getting out of there, and someone was gonna die, whether it was gonna be him, Steve or Tony. When he says that line, to me, it was a turning point — he was, like, ‘Okay, I know what you want me to say, and I’m just gonna say it.’ When someone comes at you over and over again, and they can’t hear you, they can’t see you’re pleading with them, you’re trying to figure out how to get through to them and they just won’t accept it, at some point you just give in, and you go, ‘that’s right, that’s what you want.’ Of course [Bucky] didn’t remember them all.” —  Sebastian Stan

[slimyenemy]

chat i love them sm

[snekdood]

so august 2018 is when my peak being-crazy-made art craziness happened, huh

[kingsoowolves]

constant | s. es

pairing: Best friend!Eunseok x fem!reader

word count: 9.2k

author's note: This has been sitting in my drafts for a while because I desperately wanna give it a part two, but I don't have the timeeeeeeee :( so if you like this, pretty please tell me and put your foot on my butt so I write it :) Inspired by nothing else but my sick twisted mind full of angst. Hope you enjoy!

contents: Best friends turned to friends with benefits turned to (awkward) best friends again turned to ?????? Angst, semi smut (as in descriptions of first time having sex + heavy make out session with grindind and feeling each other up), and more angst because I'm crazy. Eunseok has a girlfriend on the latter part of this, so there's cheating involved (trigger warning). Reader's father dies when she's very young (more trigger warning). Other riize members + random idols mentioned for worldbuilding. No happy ending (for now).

you can also read this work on my ao3, if you'd like

For as long as you can remember, Song Eunseok has been a constant in your life.

Some of your oldest memories are from when you were around six and, by then, you already spent most of your afternoons on playdates with the boy next door and his mom.

Your mother recounts the day you’ve met when you were both five-year-olds with elaborate detail. After your dad’s sudden death scarred your lives, you moved into a far place where nobody knew you. The day you settled in your new house, your mom took you for a stroll around the neighborhood to get to know the area and you ended up in a playground packed with kids from all ages. 

According to her, you were the one who approached Eunseok. He was a shy boy playing by himself on the sand box with his toy rocket ship when you came over, hair in pigtails with pink ribbons and a gap between your teeth from losing your first baby tooth only a week prior, your face eclipsing the sunlight that hit his forehead. Your mom says that when he looked up, anyone could tell he had just found something brighter than the sun to beam over him.

Or at least that’s what she likes to say to get you both flustered now that you’re young adults.

Nevertheless, since that day you’ve been attached at the hip and it was clear that your bright outspoken personality complemented his quiet observant one. Although the contrast sometimes was a bit too much for people. Sunshine extroverted girl running around with brooding introverted boy? It made no sense for them. When you started getting older and others’ comments and side-eyes got progressively worse, you showed everyone how you could be the cross one if they pushed too far. You spent a lot of time kicking shins and pulling heads full of hair from the boys that bullied Eunseok and the girls who talked bad behind his back just because he was timid. You also talked back to any adult who dared to make a nasty comment about your friendship. By the time you reached middle school, everyone in your little town knew not to mess with you or your friend.

Finally, you were free to play and be with Eunseok to your heart’s content, without having to worry about snide remarks that could upset him. Now you could enjoy your time with your best friend from the whole wide world and not care what people think, because for once they were not announcing it to you. It made the connection between you two much stronger.

You constantly reminisce of days spent with him, learning everything there was to know about each other.

The first thing you learnt about Eunseok was how much he likes the universe. He told you everything about it — how old it is, what it is made of, what humanity knows and does not know about it. He told you scientific discoveries and theories, recited every galaxy, planet, meteorite he could remember the name of and filled your days with interesting facts and anecdotes about his passion. Every word out of his mouth would make you gawk, both because of how amazing it all sounded and because you couldn’t believe he was able to gather that much information at such a young age.

When you’d talk about your future selves, you always wished to become something plain and silly as any girl would say, like an actress or an idol, but Eunseok dreamed of greater professions. He wanted to be an astronaut, an aerospace engineer, an astrophysicist, a project manager. Sometimes you’d feel small and pathetic from how big his dreams were compared to yours. But it was your own mind’s fault, never Eunseok’s. He never viewed you as any less than him just because you had differing interests and specially never made you feel stupid for being a girl.

Eunseok took interest in your hobbies. He let you play dress up with him, loving the cute Sanrio hair pins you put on his head and complimenting you on your make up skills once you were done and he looked at himself in the mirror. He listened to you talk for hours about your favorite artists and retell him the plot of the latest drama you were watching with your mom. He became a fan of anime because of you and you started binge-watching a bunch together. He listened to your music and even made you a personal playlist of your favorite artists one day. And he was also the one who accompanied you to their concerts, buying you merch and sticking by your side, laughing whilst you screamed your lungs out for the people on stage.

Getting to know Eunseok and spending time with him was the best part of your days and when people finally stopped disturbing you about your friendship, you had more time to spend with each other. Though you were so relieved about it that you didn’t prepare yourself for the next big change — high school. 

Puberty and hormones are a funny thing. One day your best friend is the rejected loner nerd everybody seems to look down on. The next day he’s the cute sexy boy-with-thick-framed-glasses that everyone is looking at.

You and Eunseok were never ready for the kind of attention he started to receive in your second year of high school. His once perpetually empty desk nook was now filled to the brim with chocolates on Valentine’s Day and notes with declaration of love. Girls suffered when they didn’t get a gift back from him on White Day and suddenly, without your consent, everybody appointed you as Eunseok’s personal messenger, handing over confessions' letters for him during lectures or even dropping them inside your locker or backpack when you weren’t looking. You hand delivered every single one of them to him, complaining about it the whole time, just to watch him read the contents of each letter and then rip them apart, throwing them in the nearest trash can. Whenever you stared at the shreds of paper inside the bin for a second too long, Eunseok grabbed your wrist and pulled you along to walk out the school's hallways with him.

You were always wondering if he liked the attention or not, but you never asked him about it and you’re sure he would never admit it even if that was the case.

Another thing that you wondered about was what the fuck all the girls abruptly started seeing in him. Up until then, you were the only one who knew how special Eunseok was. But that was because you saw something in him on that first day at the playground nobody else did and you spent years actually growing together with him. You knew Eunseok was a kind soul, a helpful friend and an overall amazing guy, but that was because he let you in.

The girls who were flocking behind him didn’t know that he preferred a mango Melona over a watermelon one. Or that he always double knotted his shoelaces and insisted on you doing the same every time you tripped over your shoes. Or that whenever you came back home together, he waited for you to get inside your house and lock the door before going to his home right beside it. They didn’t know he used to help your mom whenever your car had a mechanical problem or that he tasted every single one of your failed baking recipes, no matter how bad they were. They didn’t know he cooked whole meals with his mother and took care of their garden with his father. Or that whenever your mother took the night shift at the hospital, he made you a lunchbox for dinner and for breakfast. They didn’t know he always grabbed you a strawberry milk at the school’s canteen when they were close to running out. Or that when your first boyfriend broke up with you barely two weeks after you started dating, he comforted and hugged you for hours while you cried in his arms. Or that when you told him you didn’t know if the few memories you have of your father were real or just fabricated from old pictures, videos and stories your mother tells you, he comforted you by saying that your heart remembers him and that was what mattered. 

They didn’t know he loved dad jokes and would hit you with them at least three times a day, making you roll your eyes and laugh with every new one out of his mouth. They didn’t know his gruff voice turned soft and airy when he sang and that, on starry nights, he laid by your side on your backyard lawn and talked about all the constellations in the night sky over your heads. They didn’t even know how athletic he actually was and about how you both went to Sungchan’s house every Wednesday after class where Eunseok proceeded to kick Sungchan’s ass at basketball while you watched and sipped on your bubble tea.

You knew Eunseok, those girls didn’t.

They only saw a hint of a stubble on his jaw and his shoulders getting broader one day and decided he was finally worth the attention when you knew of this fact since day one.

And the possibility that any of those desperate tramps could ever get to know him like you did made your stomach churn. Eunseok’s response to them just bugged you further. He never responded to any advances, but never outright rejected them either. He seemed apathetic about it, and maybe that should’ve told you something, but you couldn’t figure it out now and much less when you were sixteen.

Fortunately, after a while, those girls stopped humiliating themselves looking for the attention he never gave them and things more or less went back to normal, with them labeling him as a pretentious loser and going back to their stupid lives. And you had him all to yourself again.

The next time your relationship with Eunseok changed only happened in the winter break before your last year of school and it was provoked by you. You still don’t know why you did what you did. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was the small list of guys that had already broken your heart by then. Maybe it was just the fear of going to college as a still inexperienced and never desired eighteen-year-old. Maybe it was because you were afraid of the near future, of a life without Eunseok coming just around the corner.

You knew that once you finished high school, he would probably study in Seoul or maybe even go abroad. The life in your little town would never be enough for him. He was too intelligent and dedicated to his studies to not aim high. And you would just stay behind, because you couldn’t bear the thought of leaving your mom alone in the world and because you were never a good student anyway. The thing with being extroverted is that it can land you many contacts, but they won’t mean a thing if you don’t have the qualifications to back them up. Either way, you were stuck there. Eunseok would fly and you would just watch and cheer for him from afar. So you needed something to hold on to, something to completely mark the memories you had together forever.

All you remember is that you were huddled together inside his room, on your weekly movie night, watching an anime Eunseok loved for the thousandth time and you got distracted by his eyelashes, how they softly pressed the skin under his waterline anytime he blinked, how the blue glow from the TV made they seem a tone lighter and smooth to the touch, and how desperately you needed to feel them with your fingertips. Next, you stared at his eyebrows, thick and designed and really pretty. Really really pretty. Like all of him. Then, while he was laughing about something in the movie, you raised your hand as if to mindlessly touch his brows because it was like they were calling to you, but Eunseok caught your wrist mid-movement, pulling back before you could graze his skin.

He gasped and looked at you with wide eyes and you asked him the most ridiculous question that ever came out of your mouth.

“Seok, will you be my first?” You said.

He didn’t ask what you meant, because he knew exactly what you were talking about. He didn’t ask if you were serious, because he knew you were. He didn’t ask if you were sure, because he also knew you were. Because he knew you. One look at your face and he could see the sincerity dripping from your whole being.

“Yes,” he replied a half second later. And then he pulled you in for a kiss.

You would like to say that you kept your calm through all of it, that you didn’t feel shaken or nauseated with nerves and that you did everything exactly like the magazines guided, like your friends talked about when telling their experiences, like the spicy videos you watched late at night showed, like the romantic movies made it seem. You’d like to say that you kissed Eunseok with certainty, that you took off your clothes sensually and that you grabbed his cock the right way.

But Eunseok’s bedroom would beg to differ. The laptop on his study desk saw how your lips faltered over his skin and overheard your frenzied mind wondering if you were doing everything right. His calendar snickered at you while your t-shirt got stuck on your earring on its way off your body and how you fumbled to free the fabric and almost ripped your ear off. The posters on his walls watched your trembling fingers struggling with the buckle on his belt for thirty seconds until Eunseok took pity on you and unfastened it himself. The clock beside his TV looked at your expectant eyes when he deposited kisses on the valley between your breasts and continued going down, down, down. When his fingers inside you were unexpectedly precise in driving you to your first peak and you asked him if he had done that before, the lamp on his nightstand listened to the sound of your disappointed gasp after he said “Yes”. His sheets felt the nervous tugs of your hand whilst you pumped Eunseok’s dick in an unsteady rhythm and at an awkward angle with your other hand. His bed frame picked up on your hoarse moans once he finally slid into you, sounds that only grew louder and raspier with each drive of his hips forward. His mattress could testify to how slick you got in between your legs and about the mess you left behind. His books eavesdropped on you promising to each other in between whimpers that it was only a one time thing, never to happen again, and that it wouldn’t change your friendship. And once your joint orgasm took over you both, the stars stickers on his ceiling shined bright right at your wrecked and fucked out face.

After, when your head was laying on Eunseok’s chest and he started to snore, you reached out and touched his eyebrows and lashes, brushing against them one by one while an indescribable feeling took over you.

You’d also like to say that you kept your promise or that at least you tried to keep it, but two days later you both found ourselves in the same compromising position — naked and on his bed. By the start of the school year, you were meeting up almost everyday and fucking at least for three days out of the week.

Being with Eunseok like that showed you a whole new side of him. Of course he still took care of you in every way possible, but he stopped being so nice and gentle all the time. There was no space for tenderness when he was too busy fucking you from behind, tweaking your peaked nipples, thrusting his cock into your mouth until you gagged on it, collecting your drool to use as lubricant, curling his fingers deep inside you, telling you how much he loved your cunt and begging you to cum for him. But you preferred it this way. You could take his rough fucking.

What you couldn’t handle were the soft moments in between, when he brushed your sweaty hair back and gazed deeply into your eyes, and when he asked in his softest voice if you were feeling good — if he was the reason you felt so good —, and when he told you how much he liked you and how perfect you were for him, and when he admitted he thought about you two like that for so long, and when he murmured sweet words to you like a prayer, and when he caressed your skin as if you were a goddess and he was your faithful servant.

What you really couldn’t handle was Eunseok’s confession three months later. The look on his face when you replied to his "I love you" with “You deserve someone better than me” will haunt you forever. You had never seen him put on his clothes and storm out of your room so fast before.

After that night, you didn’t hook up again and things turned awkward. But Eunseok was still a kind soul, a helpful friend and an overall amazing guy. All he gave you was three weeks of complete radio silence — no texts, no calls, no extracurricular meetings, not even a glance your way during classes. You even stopped going to and coming back from school together. And then on one sunny Tuesday, when you were on your way home in the afternoon, he trailed behind you and eventually your footsteps fell side by side. Eunseok didn’t say a thing whilst your sneakers pressed against the pavement at the same rhythm. You also didn’t dare to speak a single word, afraid any sound would scare him away.

Once you pulled up in front of your neighboring houses he picked some papers from inside his backpack and handed them to you.

“I took a copy of my notes from Calculus III. For that exam on Friday,” he explained.

You grabbed the sheets of paper and looked at his carefully crafted handwriting photocopied on them, how it was gentle and soft like almost everything he did. You looked up at him and asked, “Why are you giving me this?

He shrugged. “Thought you might need it.”

“Does this mean we are friends again?” You asked, your voice hopeful and unsure.

“You’ll always be my best friend, Y/N,” he said and his words carried a sorrow that pained your heart deeply.

Then he turned, climbed the three steps of his front porch and entered his house. He didn’t wait for you to get inside your home and lock the door like he used to. He just left you there. You felt relieved that he put himself over you at least once. Even if it was also his way of forgiving you.

It took a while for you to feel comfortable with each other again. And even still, it wasn’t the same as before. You had to find a new normal.

The new normal came with not having Eunseok doing so many nice things to you. He didn’t let you get the last pizza slice anymore or save you a seat on school’s assemblies you always got late to. Your once duo movie nights turned into something you’d do with a group of friends, at least one other person to ease the obvious tension still lingering in between you. And that’s when group gatherings, either going out with friends or meeting at someone’s house, became even more common. Because being alone with him in an enclosed space was definitely off limits. You needed to fill all the space in between you with people and things so there wouldn't be any left for thoughts and feelings.

The new normal also included saying goodbye to Eunseok at the end of the year. He ended up enrolled at Pusan National University’s science program and you stayed at your town studying tourism in a local uni. His college was still close to your town, it was only one hour and ten minutes drive from your house to his dorm, maybe one and a half if there was traffic. And he came home every other weekend, where you’d often meet and be your childhood selves together again. Still, not having him part of your everyday life hurt you more than you thought it would.

Then, two months after your second year at college started, he showed up at your house late on a Friday night, all merry and giddy. You immediately knew something was up.

“I have to tell you something,” he said under the light of your entryway while he took off his shoes.

“What is it?” You asked, taking a step back to prepare yourself for the news.

“I have a girlfriend,” he whispered, breaking your heart in a million pieces.

Her name is Sian and she is everything you aren’t — lovable, smart, caring, and with the same interests as Eunseok.

When he brought her home one weekend, she was warm and kind. She talked to you as if you were a close friend and apparently did not care a bit that you, another woman, are Eunseok’s best friend. Also, she makes Eunseok grin like no one else does and you’re grateful for that, because his smiles are hard to come by ever since that night you told him he deserves someone better. Turns out he did find someone better. And you can’t even hate her because she is a truly good person. But you do envy her.

That’s what you’re doing right now, envying Sian. It’s movie night and Eunseok is at your room, the both of you together and alone again after so many years, courtesy of Sungchan, Chaeryeong and Wonbin blowing you off to warm themselves up at a winter break party rather than hide at home under the blankets. It feels both awkward and familiar to be here with him, mostly because Eunseok is supposed to be watching the movie with you. You are supposed to be watching the movie, too, but you’re stuck observing him from the corner of your eye for fifteen minutes while he smiles and types away at his phone, texting his girlfriend. Said girlfriend who is currently traveling around France with her parents and bombing Eunseok’s phone with photos of her smiling prettily under the Eiffel Tower, in front of the Louvre, at Champs-Élysées. You don’t know why she takes so many photos. You don’t know why Eunseok has to react to every single one of them with a heart emoji and tell her how beautiful she looks. But you suppose that when you're pretty and rich and go to expensive places and have a caring boyfriend, that’s what happens. Not that you’d know any of that.

The thing is, envying Sian is not new to you. You’ve become used to it. It's quite easy to do it, actually. Because she has everything whilst you have nothing. She has money, beauty, intelligence and love. She has loyal friends and good people by her side. She has a balanced family and absolutely no childhood trauma from what you can tell. She definitely has some procedures on her face and her teeth are so perfect and bright it hurts your eyes. And she has an alive father, one that would for sure make a lovely father-in-law for Eunseok one day. Because she also has Eunseok.

And you like Sian. You really like her. But you can’t stand another minute of Eunseok not paying attention to anything that isn’t her – not paying attention to you.

“Seok, you’re not watching the movie,” you finally say after putting up with his constant texting for the last fifteen minutes.

He looks at you for a beat and puts his phone face down over his stomach, eyes shifting back to the laptop screen glowing in front of you both. “Sorry.”

He stays like that for a while, but then his phone vibrates and its screen glows and he picks it up again, spending another few minutes typing.

You shift uncomfortably on the far corner of your bed, the space between you and Eunseok as wide as the emotional distance you both created. “Eunseok, come on,” you whine, turning to him. “Are you for real right now?”

He doesn’t even glance your way this time, choosing to remain focused on whatever message he’s writing. “Sorry, I’m just texting Sian,” he says, as if you don’t know it already.

You sigh. “I know, but can’t you do it another time?”

“No. We haven’t been able to talk for a few days because of the time zones’ difference. And right now we’re both free and awake,” he explains.

His answer shoots an arrow straight through your chest. “Except you’re not free,” you remind him, your voice getting a tone higher. “You’re busy watching a movie with me!”

“Well, I need a couple minutes to talk with my girlfriend!” He counters.

“It’s been a couple minutes, alright? It’s been a few minutes, actually!”

“Y/N, I really don’t get what the problem is,” he says, finally looking at you again, seeming exasperated.

“The problem is you’re not watching the freaking movie!” You exclaim, feeling annoyed yourself.

He has the audacity to roll his eyes at you and turn back to his phone. “We watched this movie a billion times already.”

“It’s our favorite movie!” You say through gritted teeth, feeling offended.

“And we watched it a billion times before,” he repeats with a condescending tone, like he’s talking to a dumb kid. “My point still stands.”

“Well, if that’s how it’s gonna be,” you start, shutting the laptop down. You crawl down the bed and carry it with you before flicking your light back on, beyond yourself with anger. “Then movie night is over!” You finish, reaching for your study desk and putting your laptop on it with a little too much force.

Eunseok rubs at his eyes for a moment, the sudden clarity obviously affecting his vision as much as it’s affecting yours, but you’re too busy being mad to care for it. 

Once he’s done adjusting his eyes, he comes back to the argument. “Oh God, it’s just a movie. You are so dramatic!”

His words only hurt you more. “If I’m so dramatic, why don’t you go back to your home and never look at me again since that’s what you prefer anyway?”

Eunseok stares at you for a second, then blinks. “What?”

“I said if I’m so dramatic—”

“No, no, no,” he interrupts you, flinging himself from the bed and tossing his phone at your nightstand in a single move. “I heard what you said, but what the fuck do you mean about it?”

You cross your arms, still defensive and livid. “Oh, come on, Eunseok! You don’t talk with me anymore. I know nothing about your life except for when you’re speaking about Sian. And that is all you talk about — Sian, Sian, Sian, all the fucking time. You never make time for us. And when by a chance we do have the opportunity to spend some time together, again you’re talking with her? You don’t pay attention to me and you don’t fucking care anymore! So if you don’t want my friendship, just say it and go away! We can be done and over with it!”

“Where did you get the idea that I don’t care about you? If I didn’t care, why would I be here?” He says, tips of his ears and apple of his cheeks getting red.

“But you’re not here!” You yell, moving a little towards him and slamming your hand on your dresser. A few of your personal items on it shake and fall. “You haven’t been here for a while now. You’re not present in this friendship anymore. We don’t talk, we don’t go out, we don’t stay in together. We never do anything just the two of us. We’re never alone and never together, not truly. And even when we’re with other people, your mind is also elsewhere all the time. Everything just feels empty and superficial between us.”

Eunseok’s face gets redder with each word you utter and when you’re finished he spats at you, “And whose fault is that, Y/N? Who the fuck ruined everything between us?”

“Oh, so now you’re ready to talk about it?” You question, taking a step in his direction and crossing your arms. “Not gonna act like a coward and pretend nothing happened like usual?”

He also starts to walk towards you. “I’m a coward? You’re the one who walked away from us because you were too afraid of taking a chance!”

“And I regret it everyday!” You exclaim. “I get that I hurt you, Eunseok. I get that, okay? But also, I just miss us!” Your throat tightens and your voice starts to get shaky and heavy, all thanks to your upcoming tears. “I miss you! I miss you so freaking bad!”

It’s then that you start to cry, overcome with guilt and remorse, tears flowing from your eyes and cascading on your flushed face.

Eunseok’s temper tones down at your reaction and he takes a step back to assess your state. When the tears don’t stop after a few seconds, he looks at you with sorrow in his eyes. “Y/N,” he says, voice soft and understanding.

You press the heels of your hands into your eyes and turn away at him, hiding from the pity in his gaze by leaning your head against the wall. Your arm accidentally bumps against the light switch when you do it and the room darkens around you.

It’s quiet for a while. Just the sound of your sobs and hiccups and Eunseok’s ragged breath near the bed. You can hear that he’s trying to calm himself down, taking deep breaths in and out. Then you hear the noise of his sock-covered foot sliding across your floor, informing you he’s taking a hesitant step toward you. After that one, comes a new step. And another. And one more. And after a couple more, you feel his presence a hair’s breadth away from you. It’s warm and inviting and it takes everything in you not to lean back against it.

But you don’t have to, because a moment later he’s closing the distance. His arms cross over the front of your stomach, his chest meets your back and his chin rests on the crown of your head. He’s enveloping you in a hug from behind, over and under you. His scent invades your nostrils – clean softener, cedar wood and a touch of the citrus hand cream you gave him weeks prior. It feels suffocating in the best way possible. You don’t want him to ever let you go.

“Oh, Y/N,” he sighs. “I had no idea you felt like that.” He tightens his arms around you and continues. “I miss you, too. I miss you so much.”

“I didn’t know,” you stutter. “You never told me.”

“Yeah, I guess we’re both losers with a communication problem, right?” He says with a chuckle, his chest trembling against your back. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too,” you sob, shaking your head. “Seok, I’m so sorry. For so many things.”

“Yeah?” He asks, pulling some hair away from the side of your face and snuggling his head on your shoulder. “Can you look at me and say that to my face, though?”

“Seok,” you whine, feeling guilty and vulnerable.

“Please?” He asks in a melodic voice. You can feel his breath right at your pulse and it takes everything in you not to ask him to kiss you. “I need to see your face to know that you really mean it.”

You sigh deeply, still ashamed, but does as he says. You do it slowly though. First you back away from the wall and pull your hands from your eyes, blinking at the shift from a complete blackout to the darkness of your room, still illuminated by the soft light of the hallway infiltrating from your half open door. Then you hastily clean a few tears from your face and brush your hair down, flicking it over your shoulders and trying to look like less of a hot mess. Only then you turn around to Eunseok and he lets his hands drift from the front of your stomach to your waist, still holding you close.

Your eyes dance over his form. Looking at his arms, his chest, his stomach, his shoulders. Everywhere but his face. He just waits while you gather courage, seconds passing through you.

Once you feel ready, you take another deep breath and look up, finally meeting his brown eyes again. They don’t have that anger that was present there a few minutes ago. The grudge they carried for you for years is also not there anymore. It makes you feel like crying again.

“Seok, I’m so sorry,” you hiccup, growing agitated again, new tears welling up your eyes. “I’m so sorry for so many things. For hurting you and for not talking about it and for not apologizing earlier and for not saying how—”

“Shhh, shhh, it’s okay, pretty girl,” he coos, hands cradling your face to wipe at your tear streaked skin. “I know. I believe you, okay? I really do.”

“I was so dumb, I’m still so dumb. I never told you—”

“Hey, no, don’t talk about my best friend like that, please,” he says, pulling you in so the side of your face is pressed against his chest.

You slide your hands under his arms and around his back, wrapping your arms around him to pull him back against you, his heartbeat echoing in your ear. “I’m still your best friend?” You ask, voice small and quivering.

He snickers and you feel his nose touching the crown of your head. His chest expands behind your cheek when he takes a whiff of your hair. “Haven’t I told you that already?” He says, each word making his lips move against your scalp. “You’ll always be my best friend, Y/N. Nothing can change that.”

You continue crying, dampening his t-shirt with your tears. “I was so afraid we’d never talk again.”

“I know, sweetheart, but you don’t have to be afraid anymore. I’m here with you now, right?”

“Are you? For real?” You ask, pushing off his chest to glance up at him.

Eunseok’s gaze melts at your insecurity and he lifts a hand to massage behind your head. “I am. For real.”

“You don’t hate me, then?” You ask, just to be sure.

“I could never hate you, Y/N. Where did you get that idea?”

You shrug and look down, biting on your lower lip. “I don’t know.”

But you do know. You thought he hated you because of what you did. And he’d had every right to if that was the case. You’re lucky he’s always been a kind soul, a helpful friend and an overall amazing guy.

He bends a little to catch your gaze, his thumb grazing your chin. “I’m here and I don’t hate you. I’ll be present again in this friendship from now on. Can you also do that?”

You nod quickly. “Yes, I can.”

“Great. Then we’re settled,” he says.

You smile and Eunseok smiles back at you. Then he rests his forehead on yours, sweeping back some strands of your hair and tucking them in behind your ear. You close your eyes and bask in his presence, at the certainty he's here with you now. You still have a lot to talk about, but you can do it calmly and over time. Right now what matters is that you found a middle ground. Everything else can wait a little bit longer.

You stay like that for a while, hugging tightly, feeling each other, growing confident the other won’t slip away. Until something shifts. Eunseok’s hands slide from the back of your head to your neck, his thumbs brushing on your skin. You know it’s an innocent act, that he’s just shifting his position a little. But you can’t contain the involuntary shiver that runs through your spine. You visibly shake in his embrace, opening your eyes with a gasp to find him already gazing deeply at you, his eyes darker than the last time you looked at him.

You flinch back and squeeze your eyes shut. “Sorry, I—”

“Don’t say sorry,” Eunseok commands, his voice lower than you've ever heard before. He rubs his thumbs down your clavicle and your body trembles again. “Don’t you ever say sorry about that.”

You take a shaky breath, the tension filling your nerves, and open your eyes again. He’s still looking at you and his fingers press against your nape to pull your face closer to his, his nose brushing against yours.

“Seok,” you whisper, not knowing if you’re giving him a warning or begging for something more.

He makes an appreciative sound behind his throat and presses his mouth on your skin timidly, his touch barely there. “I missed you saying my name like that so much,” he says, running his lips on your cheek. “It always sounds so airy, like just saying it gets you hot and bothered.”

You gulp down, processing his words. Eunseok just crossed a line saying that to you. And if you reply to him with what you have in mind, you’ll cross another. Then you’ll be playing a dangerous game, toying with the limits of your just recovered friendship and with the relationship he’s in. You’ve been here before and it did not go well for either of you. Chances are it won’t have a better outcome this time.

But it just feels so good… Would it really be so bad to cross just another teeny tiny line?

“You always get me hot and bothered,” you admit, feeling your chest constrict with guilt and desire.

Deep down you know this is wrong, you know Eunseok knows this is wrong. He has a girlfriend. He was talking to her barely ten minutes ago. Your friendship was just secured a few moments ago. You can’t do this. Whatever this is, you can’t go through with it. It wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be safe. It wouldn’t be wise.

The tension stretches whilst Eunseok doesn’t respond to you immediately. He remains silent for a beat, and then another one, and you’re about to retract your words, when he chuckles, blowing air on your face.

“I know, baby,” he says, the pet name and the way he says it going straight to your core.  You decide to throw all caution out the window. You can’t go back now. Not anymore. To be honest, you could never deny him again.

He slides a hand down your body, his fingers brushing your clavicle and shoulder, then going to your back to skim over your spine. It trails lower until it squeezes your waist and pulls you more into him, making your bodies impossibly closer. “I felt that shiver, too, you know? I always feel so good when I’m close to you. It’s a big problem.”

You let him feel you up, fisting the front of his t-shirt on your hands while you try to remain calm. You’re frozen in place and completely at his mercy. You’ll give him everything he wants from you. You’re his for the taking. You always were.

His mouth brushes against the corner of your lips and you tilt your head up to preen closer to the touch, trying to draw out the feeling of his lips so close to yours for as long as possible.

Eunseok presses a kiss there and his hand glides under your top to feel the warm skin of your lower back. “When I was younger, I always had a boner whenever you so much as looked my way. I jerked off so many times thinking about you,” he reveals, careful eyes watching your reaction to his words. “I still do.”

You choke at the last piece of information, mind reeling with it. He used to touch himself to the thought of you. He still does it now. You wonder how he looks while he does it — how he sounds, how much precum he lets gather at the tip of his cock before touching it, how fast he cums. Almost all air leaves your lungs whilst you think about it.

“Really?” You ask, voice faltering. “Even after everything?”

He nods. “Even after everything. Even now. I can’t get you out of my head.” His fingers start to draw figure eights on your back. “I had to occupy myself with so many things to forget you. I tried so hard, but it was no use.”

Your heartbeat is wild and you’re trembling constantly now. But Eunseok doesn’t seem to care. He just pulls you closer and touches you more, making it impossible for you to stop shivering.

“Me too,” you confess, hands sliding up to the collar of his shirt, gripping it tightly. “No matter how hard I try, I can’t get over you. Over us. I still think about it all the time.”

“Yeah? What do you think about, baby?” He asks, putting his face in the crook between your neck and shoulder.

Your desire gathers between your legs and pools on your underwear so much it starts to feel uncomfortable. You need to take it off of you. You need him to take it off of you. You need him.

“I think about when we used to have fun together,” you say, wrapping your arms over his back.

“Oh,” he utters, descending both of his hands to fit them on your back pockets, squeezing your ass and flattening you against him, his hard-on nestled inside his jeans pressing against your pants’ crotch. It feels amazing. “You think about something like this?”

“Yeah,” you whimper, shifting your hips up to feel more of him. “When I touch myself, I always think about that.”

He releases a breath and drops a kiss on your neck, squeezing you more against him. “What more do you think about?”

“Your pretty cock,” you whisper, running a hand through his hair. “I think about how I used to suck it off and bounce on it. I miss it so much.”

“Oh shit, Y/N,” he groans, pelvis pulling back just to push forwards again, creating delicious friction between you. You feel dizzy with desire and you can only hope he feels the same way.

“Thinking about you always gets me so wet. I’m dripping by the time I’m finished,” you mutter, then you move your lips to his ear, preparing yourself to deal your final blow. “I’m so fucking wet for you right now, Seok.”

It’s Eunseok that shivers this time.

“Fuck, I wanna see that,” he says, a hand snaking in between your legs, cupping your sex over your pants. “I wanna feel it. Can I, baby?”

“Please,” you beg, pulling his face down by his collar until his forehead is pressed against yours again. “I need you so bad. You have no idea.”

“You got me, baby,” he whispers. “You got me.” And then he’s diving in to kiss you.

Eunseok kisses you like he’s claiming you and you kiss him back like you can’t bear spending another moment without his lips touching yours. It’s messy and sloppy, your mouths and tongues trying to suck and lick anything you’re able to reach, your teeth clenching together and biting sensitive skin. Each time one of you pulls back, the other moves forward again to connect your lips.

Kissing like this shows you just how much you wasted time not doing what you wanted. You could’ve been doing this for ages, you could be experienced professionals about how to make each other feel good. You could’ve been loving each other this close and this deeply instead of avoiding your feelings. God, you were so stupid for the longest time.

You’re completely out of breath once Eunseok’s lips slip down to kiss your neck, making you moan and shiver. Then he’s pushing you up until you land on the top of the dresser and you’re glad you have something to support yourself because your legs were about to give out at any moment.

He puts his body in between your thighs and pulls you to the edge of the dresser until he can roll his hips against yours again. You moan in unison and his hands squeeze your thighs whilst he resumes attacking your neck with his mouth.

“I thought about this so much,” you say, grinding on him. “Wishing we could do this all the time.” You pull on his hair until he’s looking at you again. “I always wanted you, Eunseok. Always.”

“I did, too,” he replies, hands slipping under your top to feel your bare skin, thumbs pressing on your sides.

You slide a hand down his stomach to find his belt, pulling on the buckle to unfasten it. Once you’re done, you pull it from his jeans quickly and throw it on the floor. “That’s not the only thing. What I’m trying to say is—”

The air is pulled from your lungs when Eunseok picks you up again and tosses you on your bed, crawling right up to your body until he’s hovering above you. The manhandling gets you light-headed and his hands coming up to cup your breasts empties your brain completely. 

You can’t remember what you were saying. Your focus just zeros in on the way he’s ravishing you.

“Y/N,” he whispers while kissing your jaw.

“Yes?” You say, still dazed.

He moves his hand down to the button of your jeans, toying with it for a moment before pulling it out of its loop and drawing your zipper down. His hands skim on the waistband of your panties and you groan, feeling the heat of his fingertips so close to where you most want him.

“What you’re trying to say is?” He asks, tone light and fun, clearly teasing you for your dazed state for the past minute.

Your brain awakes again and you squeeze his arms, remembering what you were about to confess. “Right. What I’m trying to say is—”

Eunseok sucks on your pulse point and you groan, turned on and frustrated. You know he’ll just keep fogging your mind further until you are a blabbering mess. And although you’re not opposed to that, you really need a moment to catch your breath so you can communicate with him properly. After that, you can do what you both are clearly desperate to do.

“Wait,” you whisper, pushing on his shoulders. “I need a second.”

He pulls back slightly and looks at you, watching your chest heave with each breath you take. “You want to stop?”

You shake your head immediately and press your elbows to the mattress, supporting your head up to look at him. “No. I just need to tell you something.”

His fingers dig on your waist. “Sure, baby. What is it?”

You sigh, moving a hand to his chest and trying to make the words in your brain get out of your mouth. “What I’m trying to say is—” The words get stuck in your throat, a new wave of sudden sensibility hitting you right in the chest, impending them from coming out. You feel you’re about to sob again. “Fuck, I’m saying that I—”

The letters are right there, resting on the tip of your tongue, but they just refuse to get out. I love you, you wanna say. I love you, you wanna scream. I love you, I love you, I love you. That’s all you think about. Three little words that have been swimming inside you for as long as you remember. You waited your whole life to say that to him and now that you’re desperate to say it, your voice fails you, your fear taking over your mind, new tears welling up on your throat.

Eunseok watches you expectantly, just waiting. He’s patient with you, like he is most of the time. His eyes show that he knows what you’re going to say, but also that he badly needs to hear it, probably just as much as you need to tell him. It gives you the strength to push through your last restraints.

You take another shuddering breath and lock your eyes with his. “Seok, I lo—”

Then a sudden sound makes you both jump and he pulls back from you as you sit up on the bed. It takes a second to identify what it is, but the realization downs you both at the same time, your heads tilting together to look at the origin of the noise. It’s Eunseok’s ringtone accompanied by his phone vibrating on your bedside table. He’s receiving a call. And you don’t have to look at his screen to see who the caller is. You know it’s Sian. The woman he just cheated on with you.

Eunseok scurries down the bed to pick up his phone, turning his volume all the way down until the only sign of his girlfriend calling him is the picture glowing under her name on his screen. Then he puts the device into his pants’s pocket and stares at the wall in front of him. His back is turned to you and his shoulders are stiff whilst his phone screen still lights up inside his back pocket until it stills. But barely two seconds later it starts flashing again and you know Sian won’t stop calling until he picks up.

You just fucked up. Majorly so. 

Hurting each other in the midst of your confusing feelings was all you’ve ever done in your life. The sting burned like hell, but it was your way, your uncomfortable comfort zone, something you’ve gotten used to. Upsetting and harmful, but still familiar, still you two. But hurting another person because of it — someone who has nothing to do with your shit, who is a good person above and all? That was a whole new level of dark and twisted.

You sigh, extremely disappointed with yourself, and run your hands through your hair. You knew you were a bad person, but apparently you never thought it would get to this extent. And now here you are.

What pulls you from the bed and puts you on your feet is Eunseok complete stillness. He’s quiet until his phone stops ringing for the third time, probably taking his girlfriend to voicemail. And he remains quiet when it starts to ring again. You get up to comfort him, to put a hand on his shoulder, because you can’t take seeing him hurt by something that is obviously your fault.

You were the one who held back your feelings. You were the one who made him confused. You were the one that confronted him, screamed and cried. You let him hug you, leaned into his arms, shivered and whispered his name like a prayer. You teased him, tempted him, made him cheat. Eunseok isn’t guilty of any of this, you are. It’s your responsibility to take.

You get off the bed and walk towards him. “Seok,” you say, reaching a hand out to touch his shoulder.

However, Eunseok flinches away from you, instantly springing back to life and starting to zip up his pants again. You pull your hand back to rest it against your chest, clenching it into a fist and holding your wrist with your other hand.

“I think I should go,” he says to the wall.

You take a step back and sigh. Guilt, shame, fear and rejection pull on your heartstrings, making your chest tight. You don’t have the energy nor the audacity to ask him to stay. Not after what you’ve just done.

“Okay,” you say in a small voice.

Eunseok turns to you, but his eyes look at a distant point at your bedroom wall. “I think we shouldn’t see each other for a while.”

You gulp down the tears swelling on your throat and nod. “Okay.”

He finally looks at you, eyes heavy with remorse. “I just need some time and space, Y/N.”

“Sure, I’ll give them to you,” you say, plastering a fake smile on your face, trying to comfort him despite falling apart inside. ”Whatever you need, Seok.”

“Thank you,” he sighs.

Then he’s back to recomposing himself and collecting some of his things left on the floor and you just stay there, watching him until he’s done. On his way out of your room, he brushes past you and stops. You hold your breath as he gets close and presses his lips to your temple.

“Bye, Y/N-ie,” he whispers over your skin.

You close your eyes and whisper back, “Bye, Seokie.”

Then he exits, hurried steps following down your house hallway. You hear him quickly put on his shoes at the hall and a small beat of silence just before he opens the door. Then the lock clicks open, a gust of wind whistles through it and you know he’s out, the automatic alarm of the door locking it closed, leaving you all alone again.

You fall to the floor, legs too weak to hold the heavy weight on your heart, and look up to the pegboard over your dresser, filled with trinkets and many pictures — pictures of you and Eunseok together.

There’s one of you as five-year-olds at the playground you met and one of you behind Eunseok’s solar system mock up he did for a science fair when you were eight. There’s one of you at twelve playing a shooting game at an arcade and another of you when you skipped class to spend a day at the beach at fourteen. There’s another one of you working together at a part-time job in a cafe when you were sixteen and even a selfie from one of your many movie nights at seventeen. There’s one of you at a burger place when you were eighteen, looking at each other and laughing.

And the last one is just of Eunseok, taken a year back, when things were already too messy in between you. In the image, he’s as handsome as ever, looking down to write something on a notepad, his hair swept back and his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose. You remember the distance between his frames and his eyes made you focus on his eyelashes, just like that other time, and that a stirring on your chest made you snap the photo silently and keep it to yourself.

Looking at all of your sacred memories with him, you can’t stop the tears from falling down your face, afraid you just lost the one constant in your life forever.

author's note: Don't hate me, hate Song Eunseok who inspired me to write this. If you want a part of two, comments and asks are welcomed so I'm sure you guys actually like this. Thank you for reading, as always!

[moonyysgirl]

No one will ever compare-Remus Lupin x reader

pairing; remus lupin x fem!reader summary; remus and reader are childhood best friends, remus is afraid of not being good enough with pleasuring girls, so he decides to ask for reader's help on a hot and boring summer day cw; smut, soft!remus, cocky!remus, rem is horny!! best friends to lovers if you squint

It was a hot July afternoon. You and Remus were hanging out by your pool, like every summer since you were kids. You were already tired of summer, and you couldn’t wait to be back at Hogwarts, but at least you could spend some time with Remus.

He was your childhood best friend, and your parents loved him since he was a child. You  always had kind of a secret crush on him, since you were eleven, and by the time you were sixteen the feeling had become more of an habit.

You would’ve never confess your feelings to Remus, cause you didn’t want to ruin the friendship and all that crap, so you just came to terms with the fact that nothing would ever happen. You were happy being his best mate, and even though sometimes you would fantasize about him in bed, you didn't think of him like that. 

But lately things had changed: you would often catch Remus glancing at you, his eyes lingering on your body longer than usual. He was always twitchy and snappy around you and maybe it was all in your head, but you swore you could sense a weird tension between the two of you.

"Fuck" Remus swore suddenly, distracting you from your thoughts. He was laying on the sun bed next to yours, a pair of black sunglasses covering his eyes, his damp hair falling on his forehead in ashy blond chunks.

"What is it'", Remus turned the magazine he was looking at to you, a famous actress was smiling maliciously on the page "She's so hot" Remus whined. You shrugged "seems pretty average to me".

Remus sighed deeply “maybe, maybe you're right, maybe I'm just too horny" "Remus!" he would always talk about those things with you, and you would always be annoyed, in theory because it made you uncomfortable, but it was actually because it turned you on.

Remus laughed "what? I'm serious, I need to get laid! The last time I had sex was like a century ago!”. Actually it happened like a couple of months before, and you remembered it well because you pretended it didn't bother you just to get wasted at the three broomsticks…and to make out with some random revenclaw.

You rolled your eyes “ugh, you're so boring" “sorry, I didn't realize I was being too gross for you! But I'm a human, and I'm horny! and I need to get laid! and it is also too fucking hot!" he slurred out in exasperation.

“Did you ever thought that maybe you won't get laid cause your game sucks?” “Uhm? excuse me?" “It’s a real possibility you know, do you even know how to please a girl?" “Fucking hell I know! Padfoot taught me! And I think he taught me well…if you know what I mean” he winked at you with that stupid cocky smile on his lips.

You turned to him with a sarcastic smile "oh, sorry, I didn't realize Sirius was the ultimate master of getting laid!" "ohhh, now I get it!" he teased "you're jealous because I didn't come to you first!" "huh? what are you even rambling about?" “It’s cause you wanted to teach me!" 

You sighed “no Remus, that would be crazy, but I realistically am more informed than Sirius on the topic" "is this a coming out or something?” you rolled your eyes and sighed “Remus! I obviously mean that I know best cause I'm a girl, and logically girls knows what other girls  wants" you picked the magazines from his hands and started going through it. 

“Actually, that sounds like a good idea" you turned to Remus “what" "you're probably more useful than Siri" “yeah, no shit, and?” “and you can help me get better so I'll finally get laid!" you rolled your eyes again "yeah, okay, I'll draw you a picture later" "y/n! I'm being serious!" you finally put the magazine down “Remus, what do you even want me to do?" 

Remus grinned, a wolfish smile curving his lips "I mean…I could practice on you!" the air caught up in your throat, your breath hitched. You couldn’t possibly have heard that right. You swallowed, your mouth was dry all of a sudden. 

“Remus, you're being weird" you cut him off, he sat down "yeah but think about it, we’ve been friends since forever, it won't be embarrassing, and you could seriously help me get lai-

"would you stop? just wank it off or something" you interrupted him, your face starting to burn “y/n! don't you want your best friend to get laid? it's for a good cause!" you pretended to read the magazine, but your mind was already visualizing the scene. 

"Hey, if it really makes you uncomfortable I'll just shut up and we'll never talk about it again, but I really need someone to help me to get better with this stuff”. You sighed. It was too weird, and you couldn't believe it was actually happening, but on the other hand...you did spend the last two years or so fantasizing about Remus hands every other night…it could be your last shot. 

"I'll go upstairs" the words slurred out of your mouth before you could stop them "you can follow me if you want" your face was red, your heart was beating in your ears, you turned to Remus. He was grinning from ear to ear.

You got up quickly, suddenly feeling exposed in your bikini, and went upstairs in a rush, without turning behind once, praying that your mother would keep gardening outside for another hour at least. 

You went into your bedroom and closed the door behind you. You immediately went and looked from the window, it faced the pool. The curtains were shut down, the window slightly open. You peeked through the curtains, Remus was going inside, you could feel the excitement fill up your stomach. 

Before you could do anything you heard a knock on the door. You swallowed. “Come in” Remus opened the door just to close it behind him. He leaned on it for some time looking at you. “So” he said “so…” you responded. You couldn’t hold eye contact with him, so you kept looking at your feet on the cold pavement, they were leaving wet prints on the floor.

“How should we do this?” Your breath hitched, it was actually happening. You shrugged “um, I guess I’ll lay down” you weren’t sure of what you were doing, but you couldn’t keep standing in a bikini under his wandering eyes for any longer.

You climbed on your undone bed, the sheets were all crumpled under you, and you thought about how your swimming suit was still wet, but in that moment the wet stains on the sheets were actually the last thing on your mind. You laid on those crumpled sheets, your pillows under your head.

Remus walked to the bad and sat on it in front of you. “Maybe we should kiss” your heart skipped a beat “huh?” Remus stretched “yeah, I mean, to break the ice, you know?” You wet your lips “um, well, I guess we could but-“ you bit your nail “won’t it be weird or something?”

Remus shook his head “of course it won’t, it’s not like we’re actually kissing, it’s just for practice you know? It should be fine” you shrugged “well, I guess” you kept biting your nails “well if you don’t stop torturing your nails I won’t actually be able to do anything” you smiled nervously, immediately sliding your hands under your thighs “oh! You’re right..”

Remus came closer to you, your knees touching, you sat up to be at his eye level “so, I’m just gonna kiss you okay?” You nodded “here I come” he smiled. You closed your eyes, out of fear and excitement, and Remus lips were suddenly pressed on yours.

Those lips that you dreamed and desired profusely for half of your life were suddenly on yours. And it felt so real. So good. His lips were wet, warm. He tasted like chlorine and suncream.

You wanted more, so you tried deepening the kiss, your tongue pressing on his lips, he opened them, your tongue meeting his, and all of a sudden you could feel your whole body warming.

Remus kept the kiss slow, steady. You could feel yourself breathing heavily against him. He pressed his body to yours, and you instinctively lowered yourself down to the mattress.

Remus was now on top of you, and his hands were wandering on your waist, hips, hair, your body covering in goosebumps for the feeling of his wet and cold swimming trunks against you.

What was even happening? You didn’t know, but as long as Remus tongue was swirling with yours like that, and as long as his hands kept wandering on you in that way, you didn’t care. The kiss was becoming messy, sloppy, and now you could feel Remus breath becoming heavy.

Your hips bucked into his. He whimpered, and just like that he was breaking the kiss, a string of saliva connecting you. He sat back down, and you sat up too, to look at him.

His face was all flushed, his cheeks were burning, his lips were wet and swollen, his eyes darker than usual. Both of you had messy knotted wet hair, the sheets were completely damp at that point. “Okay, I think that was a good warm up” he said, a little smile curving his lips.

You could actually feel the pleasure pooling to your warm core, so you squirmed your thighs together, your heart pounding in your chest. You tried to regulate your breath. You knew you looked as messy as Remus, but you tried not to think about it.

“Should we?” Your breath caught in your throat again, you swallowed “uhm, yeah, I guess” “okay, so, I think you should lay down” you did that, slightly shaking in anticipation. He was sitting in between of your parted legs, your knees bended, your feet steady on the mattress under you. 

You closed your eyes, you were scared, slightly shaking. He placed his hands on your thighs, they were warm, steady, reassuring, so big that they inclosed your thighs completely. His hand climbed slowly on your inner thigh, getting closer to your core, you held your breath.

“Are you okay?” You nodded “do you still wanna do this?” you nodded again, so his hand went higher. He slowly moved your swimsuit to the side, the wet material peeling away from your skin. Your core was now partly exposed, the cool air sending a shiver down your spine, you were burning with embarrassment. 

“Can I?” Remus spoke softly, you swallowed, your eyes still closed, you nodded again, incapable of bringing yourself to speak. His fingers stroked the inner of your thigh gently, before getting to your core. You immediately squirmed, Remus waited for a couple of seconds before he moved your legs out of the way gently.

“I’m just gonna do it as Padfoot taught me” he said “just tell me how I’m doing alright?” You nodded again. You didn’t want to look at him, you didn’t want to think about the fact that he was looking at you, you felt naked and exposed, but as his fingers started sliding through your folds slowly you could also feel your mind going blank.

As you felt the wetness drip from your core, you got embarrassed at the thought of him feeling how aroused you actually were, your previous courage a distant memory. He spread your wetness to your folds slowly. 

Your skin was burning as he went higher, you cursed under your breath when his thumb brushed against your clit. Even if your eyes were closed you knew that he was smiling. He started drawing slow circles on your clit, exactly as you imagined it a thousand times before. 

You couldn’t breathe as he picked up his pace, you couldn’t move either, scared that you wouldn’t be able to hold back the moans. His fingers kept slipping, and the swimsuit was getting in the way, but you were gone either way under his soft touch.

He increased the pace slightly, getting faster on your clit, “how’s it?” You couldn’t speak, you just kept nodding, scared of what could come out of your mouth if you opened it. With his other hand he started caressing the inner of your thigh, slowly, slightly tickling you, you felt yourself starting to melt. 

He was trying to reassure you with those gentle strokes on your skin, he wanted for you to relax, you could feel it, so you slowly started breathing again. He went faster, and your automatically grabbed his wrist, your thighs squirming together.

“Is everything okay?” He said softly, you nodded “how am I doing?” “Great” you said finally, your breath slightly shaking “should I slow down?” You shook your head “no, go on”

Remus got confident, encouraged by your words, and his touch became more secure, faster, rougher. You could feel yourself melt into the mattress. Your thighs relaxed and naturally fell open. 

In that position you could feel everything more intensely, you whimpered. Even if your eyes were closed you could feel his eyes on you. You bit your lip, trying to hold back the moans. Your hair was tickling your neck and arms, adding to your pleasure.

Suddenly he shoved two fingers inside you, deep, reaching to parts you never reached before. You couldn’t help but moan loudly, opening your eyes in surprisement. “Does it hurt?” You shook your head, Remus was looking at you in amazement, his pupils bigger than ever, his lips half parted, his cheeks flushed, he never looked more beautiful.

He placed his knee on your thigh, to prevent you from squirming. That sent you over the edge. You started arching your back, your hips bucking on his fingers. Your lips fell open, and the room started to fill with moans and whimpers that you’d never thought you were capable of, almost pornographic.

Remus looked at the window worried, your mother was outside gardening. The window was semi open, the curtains were practically the only thing separating you from her. However he wasn’t getting any slower, his fingers going in and out at a numbing pace. Your body was covered in goosebumps.

You couldn’t bring yourself to care about the noise you were making, in that moment there was only Remus, Remus and his body, Remus and his fingers. As he started drawing circles on your clit again you let out a loud, obscene, moan. Remus covered your mouth with his other hand “shhh, not so loud”.

You grabbed his wrist, you were squirming under him, his knee keeping your thigh in place, his hand pressing your mouth shut. You shut your eyes closed, you could feel the tears approaching, the knot in your throat tightening, the warmth in your stomach intensifying.

“Y/n?” He whispered, you opened your mouth against his hand, he didn’t move it. You were now shaking uncontrollably, your brain going completely blank, you couldn’t think of anything, “are you okay?” Remus whispered, you nodded.

“Am I doing good?” Remus asked again “yeah” you responded against his hand, “so good” you mumbled, your words muffled, your lips pressed against the skin of his hand. Your knees started to give in, your back arched.

His fingers were relentlessly pounding in and out of you, fogging your brain. Your hips were bucking against his fingers, getting impossibly faster, your grip tightening around his wrist. Your eyes were rolling to the back of your head.

“Are you gonna cum?” “Yeah” you moaned against his had. He pounded in and out of you at an impossible speed, you grabbed the sheets with your hand, the other grasping Remus’ wrist. “Yeah, just like that” he spoke softly. You came with a loud moan, spasming against his fingers, his hand getting tighter on your mouth “Shhh”.

He pumped in and out of you for a couple more times, and when the feeling started overwhelming you hot tears spilled from your closed eyes. At that point Remus slowed down, he took his knee off from your thigh, and his hand from your lips, a strand of saliva connecting them with his skin. 

He carefully adjusted your swimming suit, and without saying anything he wiped the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs. You opened your eyes slowly, he was looking at you, his face was red, he was smiling. 

“I guess Padfoot is the actual master of getting laid after all, huh?” “Oh, fuck off” You responded out of embarrassment, blushing. Remus laughed “come on, I was good wasn’t I?” “I guess…” you lowered your gaze shyly.

“What’s wrong?” You sighed “it’s just…I feel like I was so loud and messy and…I’m so embarrassed” you whined, covering your face with your hands. Remus grabbed your wrists “come on y/n, don’t be embarrassed” he removed your hands from your face.

“Come on, now we know that I don’t actually need to get better at least!” he grinned, you rolled your eyes “yeah okay thanks for making me feel better” you lowered your gaze again. Remus sighed. “Hey y/n” he said, suddenly more serious “look at me”, you raised your gaze slowly to meet his eyes “you weren’t embarrassing, I promise” you shrugged “alright”.

Remus laid down next to you, on his side. He brought his lips closer to your ear “you were actually hotter than ever...like...more than I've ever seen” he whispered, your heart skipped a beat, your cheeks immediately blushed.

“Actually, I don’t think I’ll be able to touch another girl…like ever, without comparing her to you” you bit your lip, your heart was pounding out of your chest “no one will ever compare” he whispered, his hot breath against your skin sending shivers to your spine.

Remus laid down on his back, and grabbed your hand, his fingers still slick with your arousal, you closed your eyes, your heart beating in your ears, your breath shaking, the boy of your dreams laying next to you, holding your hand.

[thewertsearch]

TT: So what about Jade? […] TT: You didn't tell her your expedition with her would result in your death, let alone one she'd inadvertently cause. TT: Or that she'd be stuck with the job of resuscitating you. Did you? TG: what am i really supposed to say TG: hey were gonna hunt frogs til you shoot me through the jack TG: then i die and youve got to make out with me TG: that kind of changes how the whole thing goes doesnt it

Plus, after the first loop, you already knew you weren't going to tell her. The window of opportunity to decide the circumstances of your death had already closed.

TG: you dont know anything TG: about what i was feeling or what happened on lofaf TG: you were all pavement faced and babbling your throefester speak and flipping off the shit with your own crazy deathwish thing why do you think you know what was going through my head TG: youre just assuming and throwing around psyche buzzwords like aspd complex disorder

I don't think we've ever seen Dave this angry.

I think he's earned it, to be honest. These kids have been stuck in Skaia's emotional pressure cooker for nearly 24 hours, and they’re all reaching their respective breaking points. Dave's had just about enough, and he needs to let it out.

TG: im telling you if i said anything at all about it she probably doesnt even fire her gun once and all im doing is dragging her into a doomed timeline with me TT: I guess I'm learning to be impressed by your sense of obligation to inevitable misfortune. It's a strange case of inspiration through futility.

Well, it’s complicated.

On a surface level, it really does look like his misfortune was predestined - but the more of Homestuck I read, the more I gravitate toward the theory I linked in my previous post - that the Alpha Timeline can only 'force' you to do things that are already consistent with your personality. After all, we still haven't really seen a time loop that forces a character to act against their own nature.

If it's true, then perhaps Dave’s getting these shitty loops because he expects them – and maybe, if he changed his perspective, he’d start to be presented with kinder ones. It's worth a try, at least.

It’s not like this is exclusively a Sburbian phenomenon, either. Outside of Homestuck, plenty of us feel like our personalities trap us in loops of our own, forcing us to repeatedly experience the same thoughts, actions or situations.

We might not be time travelers, but our own metaphorical loops can feel just as inescapable as the literal ones binding Dave.

TG: i was never that cool with this TT: With what, exactly? TG: you know how you turned out to be this incredibly shitty seer of light and basically failed at that in every way imaginable TT: Hey!

Eh, I think you deserved that one.

[sfaghetti]

A character analysis regarding Regina Berry

it's quite clear the writers didn't handle Regina The Best in aa2, what with portraying the concept of pedophilia and her being groomed by three different adult men (Max, Trilo, Bat. on that topic, a lot of people overlook Bat also being a grown adult man while she was still a kid) as a normal romance, however they did improve greatly with aai2 and I'd say you can even use what happens in aa2 to add to her character in aai2.

one of the key points that stick out to me is how in aa2 she starts off being "naive" after being sheltered by her father for so long in the circus until Moe takes her to court and forces her to face reality head-on (which btw, if we're to criticize the pedos and Regina's father for indulging them despite AA painting them in good light, then we should also criticize Moe considering this also implies he did nothing to protect her from them). after she's faced with all of this she breaks down and blames herself for everything that happens (despite the fact none of it was her fault) and swears to go visit Bat every day. this comes as a rather big contrast when in aai2 she does show sadness at being betrayed by Simeon, but rather than dwell on it or blame herself she addresses feeling sad by it then choosing to move on.

but this brings to another interesting topic: terrible coping mechanism. her not blaming herself over something that isn't her fault is already a great improvement for her, however the way she brushes it all off shows how she might also have a similar coping mechanism to Simeon, which is to ignore her own feelings and pretend she is fine. she talks about Simeon being able to ignore something as big as the murder of his childhood best friend by just going to sleep and being fine the next day, and she talks about this as though it is a positive thing, such that even Miles Mr. Fake Your Death is weirded out by this.

this deal of hers can also be seen at the end where she talks about just "blowing away the competition and those bad memories away" (shown a few pictures above) rather than think about it any further. also interesting how she now refers to the others such as Max and Trilo as competition to knock over (though this is more obvious in the fan translation). which is why I hc her finally realising that they were bad for her and moving on from the idea of the "romance", which I think makes sense considering her reaction.

she also talks about enjoying being at the prison more than the circus in the second aai2 case, which I think is an interesting idea and could add up to the hc / theory that she genuinely doesn't want to be around them anymore.

and going further on this idea of Regina trying to shove down feelings / putting on a fake cheery persona (at least, in aai2) we also have Miles talk about her not batting an eye despite being accused of a crime, showing her resilience, yet afterwards Miles mentions her smile seems unable to reach her eyes as she pretends that everything is under control, making this seem more like something that she fakes.

she is also remarked in quite a few dialogues to have people fall for the cute, cheery attitude. the only one who seems to ever point out and notice her smile being faked is Miles, but even Miles falls for her "tactics" at one point, with her getting him to apologise to her without him even realising why.

another thing to remark about her being smart is her ability to quickly read not just animals but also people and figure them out in aai2. it's kinda crazy to see how far she comes along between aa2 and aai2, even if it doesn't seem noticeable at the start.

it also shows how good she is at this that she's also able to read Simeon brushing off his own feelings DESPITE him putting on a fake persona during the entire time they knew each other, and him trying to ignore his own feelings is also a fact, or at least try to get rid of them. numb them out. he equates feeling good with feeling numb.

summary: Regina is a very interesting character outside of just "poor victim" or "cheery silly girl". she shows a great change in behaviour (even if not noticeable at first) between aa2 and aai2, she goes from naivety to trying to drown out negative feelings, despite putting on a "silly" attitude she's still shown to be smart and being able to fake parts of her personality, and having an ease with both manipulating people and also reading them. it makes sense that she's positioned to be Simeon's sidekick and boss, as they're both very much alike. her cheeriness is something that she both fakes yet is also part of her real personality, similarly to how Simeon faked his weakness as a persona yet at the end his "weak side" was also part of his true self, showcased when he's reunited with Kanis again. they both play further into parts of themselves that are technically true but take it to an extreme, as a way to either shield themselves from any further feelings or (mostly Simeon's case) to fool others.

and under the idea that she was also abused as a child (even though aa2 doesn't intend you to take what she goes through as abuse, but it very much is) similarly to how Simeon was, it adds to the way they parallel each other too.

[danithy]

Davesport codependency

Speaking my truth because it's my tumblr and I've yet to be stopped!!1! Davesport - to me at least - is a codependent relationship, regardless of whether you see them as platonic or romantic. 

Although not the cause of their codependency, it is also important to note that there is a connection through the way they are united in their situation. Whereas other springlock victims had their heads replaced with phones and their memories erased, Jack and Dave survived as living corpses with their memories intact. Both regularly received comments on their physicality; Dave most often on his purple skin, and Jack most notably on how he looks soulless in Peter’s speech towards him in the legacy route of dsaf 2. While this isn’t verbally addressed, I do imagine it gives them a sense of companionship which already ties them together. 

Now, for their actual codependency: for Jack, the absence of his soul plays a major role. As Henry said in the found cassette tape: strong emotions manifest in the soul, and these determine the magnitude of a soul. With this I don’t mean to say Jack is emotionless; he still exhibits emotions in several scenes such as regret when redeeming himself as Legacy towards Blackjack, but I do imagine it messed up his already repressed emotional palate because Blackjack is a strong soul considering he was able to drag Henry towards the void. We also never see Jack (seriously) cry, outside of joke endings like soapy ending, but even in the dsaf 3 route he doesn’t cry: the little emotions he does experience are repressed. Dave, in contrast, functions merely on the remnant of his soul which repossesses his corpse and therefore harbours primarily strong emotions. Because Jack’s lack of a soul limits his feelings and emotions, I imagine he experiences them through Dave since the intensity of his soul more easily conveys onto Jack. He depends on Dave to feel alive and human; he is the soul to his heart. 

Now, as for Dave; he depends on his devotion to Henry and his legacy to be able to repossess his corpse, as also speculated by Henry in the joy_2 tape: “My current theory is that he repossessed his own body out of desperation.” To an extent, Dave tries to fill the hole where Henry once was in his life with Jack, exemplified in little ways such as Jack wearing the Fredbear suit and Dave even mentioning that it was Henry’s at some point. Now, there’s a noticeable shift between dsaf 1 & 2: in dsaf 1 Dave doesn’t view Jack as much of an equal, their conversations being impersonal and transactional, along with Dave calling Jack condescending nicknames such as kid. In dsaf 2 this changes; Jack is now exclusively called old sport, Dave follows him on several occasions, and from his diary entries we can see that he’s pretty crazy about Jack. I think this is because, somewhere in Vegas, Dave realised he made a friend who he could sympathise with, instead of a replacement for Henry. This, in my eyes, is what caused part of Dave’s devotion to shift towards Jack. Again, there’s a lot of things that show Dave’s attachment towards Jack is unhealthy; from his diary entries to Davetrap persistently staring through his window. Additionally, Davetrap doesn’t repossess his corpse when Jack decapitates him in dsaf 3’s bad ending, despite technically being able to. This shows that Jack turning on him is enough to finally make him abandon his vessel, and his soul’s devotion relies at least partially on Jack. 

Generally, Dave is more dependent than Jack; he needs Jack to be alive, whereas Jack only needs Dave to feel alive. I think this is also what allowed the 30-year gap between dsaf 2 & 3 where they didn’t see each other to happen. Dave had to be sealed in the saferoom to be kept from Jack, while Jack could manage on his own, although it likely made even more miserable. Doomed apart and doomed together. Basically; I hate them !!1!

[shachihataz]

Daisy Bell (V1 x reader)

note: i have not written fanfic in so long, so i am sorry if this sucks. it just hit me that a lot of people headcanon v1 to sound like the s.a.m voice synthesizer and i do love daisy bell sung by that same synthesizer. i use he/they for v1 in this fanfic as well. reader does not speak/is gender neutral. can also be read as either platonic or romantic. enjoy!

It saddened you whenever those memories came back. They were crucial to who you were now, a soul left to wander in the in-between; Limbo. But as much as you tried to remember anything, it was nothing pleasant. Just the bloody, somber remnants of a life that was cut short. You shake your head, looking at the fake digital sky. You weren't sure how technology worked this well; you were born much, much earlier before V1's creation. He had tried to explain it as well as he could but it was hard to grasp such advanced information, like what was a "photon".

You sighed as you continued to watch the clouds on the faux grass, a nagging feeling residing in your heart; lodged deep into the flesh like V1's bullets when they shoot their gun at a husk. You shake your head; you feel those memories come up again. You want it to stop, you tell yourself to stop, but it doesn't. You clutch your head, face contorted in slight pain, tears pricking the corners of your eyes.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" You hear a familiar robotic tone from above, that voice being the much needed clarity to separate you from those memories. You open your eyes to meet V1's singular eye, his camera lens that shined with a amber glow. He's back from one of his regular trips around Hell. You briefly relax for a moment before that same tenseness sinks into you once more. you softly frown and sigh, shaking your head "no" against the faux grass.

"WHAT IS... THE MATTER?" V1 tilted his head at you slightly in curiousity; he isn't exactly equipped to handle... the intricacies human nature provides. At least he is willing to try for your humanly sake. You sit up, V1 moving back to give you space. His elongated head gave you shade from the fake sun, making it easier to gaze up at him. You explain quietly that you keep getting flashbacks of your life when you were alive. It was driving you crazy, you just wanted it to stop. All you wanted was to remember something good from your life then.

And that's when it hit you; V1 should be equipped with a database of human civilization's history, no? Deciding to test this.. theory out, you ask him sheepishly if he could sing a song for you. In hopes of jogging your memories, that is. A faint blush resides on your face. He tilts his head at you once more, although you cannot read exactly how he feels about your daring question. "I CANNOT SING LIKE A HUMAN DOES." He stated. You shake your head, explaining to him it's alright if he can't sing as well as a human.

"WHAT SONG DO I SING?" He asks, not sure what to do. Not like anyone before you asked a machine meant for killing to sing for them. You can't remember the title of the song, only that it had to do with a bicycle... and a carriage. So you tell V1 those two words and they immediately start looking for a song, paragraphs upon paragraphs showing on his camera lense.

You look at his lense in awe; you might have known him for some time now, but it never ceases to amaze just how advanced technology became decades upon decades past your time. Eventually his lens clears up; it seems the song has been found. He starts to sing your request.

"DAISY, DAISY,

GIVE ME YOUR ANSWER, DO."

Your face contorts in an gentle expression of bitterness sadness; the nostalgia hitting you hard in your heart. You turn your head away from V1, not wanting to bother him more than you already feel you are. This melody sounds so familiar, yet you can't put your finger on it.

"I'M HALF CRAZY,

ALL FOR THE LOVE OF YOU."

You close your eyes, trying to get a sense of why you feel this way over a song. You can feel something vague in your mind, something that was locked up deep in your mind. You try to focus on that memory, trying to force it to show itself.

"IT WON'T BE A STYLISH MARRIAGE,

I CAN'T AFFORD A CARRIAGE."

V1 continues to sing that sweet, cursed melody as you struggle to figure out why. it affects you so. But then it hits you. Oh, how it hits you. A young child witnessing on tv the first computer to sing a song: Daisy Bell. You remember swaying to the gentle melody the computer sings, a faint smile on your face as you danced in front of your broken down tv. A small star within the endless night sky that was the war.

"BUT YOU'LL LOOK SWEET UPON THE SEAT

OF A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO."

V1 finishes and he looks at you blankly, but you could tell he was concerned. You tell him it's alright, you just remembered something that wasn't about the war. You tell him that song he sang was a song from your childhood, how it was the first ever song to be sung by a computer. You smile faintly yet warmly at the rather cute realization; the voice synthesizer the computer uses is just like V1's synthesizer. You tell him that.

"MY VOICE SOUNDS... LIKE THAT?" He asked as he points at himself, sitting down next to you. You nod your head, smiling faintly. You have a faint blush on your face; another idea passes you. You ask him once more if he could sing that song for you once more. You enjoyed it quite so.

He tilts his head once more; you could tell there was slight affection in the tilting of his head, the way he sits next to you. He lets out a beep of approval, singing the melody once more. Except this time, you sing along with them. The memories of the war don't bother you as much anymore.

[kanmom51]

I actually have a crazy theory...

I have already sent this ask as the response to someone else’s thoughts, but then I thought about it and I REALLY wanted to know your opinion about this.

I think Jikook by the beginning of last year didn't know they were enlisting together.

I think they obviously knew about buddy system but didn't actually think they would need to use it. Because it's not really done by idols, and also they both could've gone to safer and easier stations, where they could have more freedom.

BUT THEN Jimin started working intensely on his album and JK started acting out (like having drunken lives), and it became VERY CLEAR that they would not be able to do 18 months apart.

I mean do you remember, that at this time JK said himself that he was not working on anything. And I think the plan was for Jimin to go first (just like a lot of us thought he would) and for JK to have more time for promo alone, when others are gone (I’m pretty sure that HYBE definitely wanted for JK to have big solo debut apart from other members).

But then like I said the drunken lives happened and realization hit, that they have to apply for buddy system, that 18 months apart would be BAD for both of them.

And that's when HYBE (or whoever) made specific demands from JK. Like if he wanted to leave by the end of the year (and he had to for buddy system to work) he HAS TO do the album, and because there was no time to write it from scratch they got all the English songs. Also his schedule was extremely packed and difficult.

So I think that the travel show was something Jikook specifically done for themselves because JK's schedule was so insane that if not for that excuse they would not be able to hang out freely before the enlistment. (By the way am I the only one who thinks that we are getting the travel show only next year? And waiting for it now is kinda crazy?)

But again it's just my theory, mostly because HYBE doesn't feel (to me) like the company who would just let their artists do whatever they want. To me they are waaay more pragmatic than that, and if they decided to allow their stars to enlist together (something that isn't really done in idol culture), than they would make sure to get something in return. They worked JK very hard, and I think he took it because he had a specific goal (more like a person) in mind that he was willing to work for.

So, although we might be on the same wave with some of your thoughts, I don't fully agree with you.

I agree that they didn't know they would be enlisting together way back at the start of 2023.

I think that way back then they were still struggling with the realization that they will have to be enlisting. All the way back to the end of 2022, basically up to around the Busan concert, which was October 2022, they still held hope that some kind of arrangement could and would be found to allow for them not to enlist or to serve a shorter term. It was quite a conundrum for them, something I think most of them struggled with (and I say most because I do think that at least one of them did genuinely want to enlist) - on the one hand this is a life changing pretty scary thing (terrifying even - we saw how sad, and I will even say broken, JM was having to shave off his hair, and that was only a small part of it) they would have to do (joining the army is not a walk in the park, no pun intended), not to mention being in their prime, in the height of their success, having to part with the life they are accustomed to (professionally and personally), not being something they would necessarily want to do. And on the other hand you have that sense of commitment to the country and to their fellow Koreans, that have to face that same compulsory enlistment, adding the knowledge that not taking that path of enlistment could also come at a price. Like us, they knew that there were those that indeed believed they should be given an exemption, but at the same time many Koreans would have frowned upon it, and it's them that have to live among their people. Also, enlisting like any other SK young man would allow them more freedom in the future when it comes to voicing their opinions, as they had, like all others who had served their country fulfilling their duties. Criticisms of anything within a society you live in is easier to swallow when the person voicing said opinion is part of that society and enjoys not only the rights bestowed on those who live there, but has also fulfilled all required duties as well.

Long story short, end of 2022 the decision to enlist became a reality and Jin enlisting hit them all VERY hard. At that point I don't think they had a plan of enlistment just yet, although we do know from RM, for instance, that he was supposed to enlist with Hobi but ended up pushing back as he was busy working on his album and preferred not to lose the momentum.

And btw, hearing this from RM also teaches us that JM was never going to enlist so early on. And here I think our ways part when it comes to the continuation of your theory, because I do believe that JM's plan had ALWAYS been to stick around for JK's solo debut, whenever that would be. And I'll get back to it in a few...

JK was struggling start of 2023. What we got to see, starting with his lives in Feb 2023, him deleting his IG, was him pulling himself out of the pit he was in. Taking initiative and deleting his IG (which I will once again say was a big old F U to the company) and reaching out to us with his lives was JK becoming more active in getting better.

*Side note: I'm using the term getting better meaning pulling yourself out of a bad place you are in mentally (one that effects you physically as well).

Idk if starting the lives was a conscious decision on his part towards getting better, but I do believe that starting them was a key part in it.

Talking to us, sharing things with us, setting (at least trying to set) boundaries with his fans what is and is not acceptable on his part as an idol when it comes to fan behavior and interactions with him, doing it all in the most JK way, intelligently and respectfully.

JM was busy all the way from end of July 2023 through to the release of Face and until the end of his promotions. It's not that they weren't seeing each other or spending time together during this time. It's not that JM wasn't there for JK, as much as he could in the moment. It's very important to state this. But JK was struggling with everything. It's the hiatus, Jin's enlistment, their looming enlistment (the unknown of what will be with the two of them - separation for such a long time is something that both of them would find extremely hard to handle for so many reasons), the lack of direction, the lack of a structured timetable (JK is neuro divergent - there is zero doubt in my mind - if it's asd or adhd or a combination of the two, which in my mind is the most likely of them all). He was kind of lost and his anchor, JM, was not available in the way that he needed. Not JM's fault. Not JK's fault. It just was what it was, and JK was a little lost. It's natural for something like this to happen. I spoke about it quite a bit in my posts about his lives at the time. We saw RM was kind of lost for a while there too. The trick is to pick yourself up and pull yourself out of it (with help of others if necessary), and JK did, and JM was ecstatic to see him doing it. Those comments of his during JK's lives (we are talking about the lives during Feb-Mar 2023) were testimony to that.

Once again I can't seem to reign myself in and keep on point, lol.

So, where was I? Oh yes, they didn't know what will happen, but at the same time JM was not planning on enlisting earlier that year. Understand this: JM enlisting earlier would, to them, mean them being apart for not 18 months, but for 18 months plus. Plus the time between JM's enlistment and JK's enlistment. And plus the time from JM's discharge to JK's discharge. Even without JK's situation this was not something that they would want or agree on. Not to mention JK not only wanting JM around for his solo debut, but NEEDING him around for it. And it's not about being by his side 24/7, which he wasn't and he couldn't be. It's about being accessible. Being there to support him if he needed. Whenever he needed it. Being able to be with him for his first solo performance (this brings me close to another ask I received and am working on regarding JK's FIRST big solo performance). All this has to be within the limits of their glass closet (glass getting a little murky for their own liking since the end of 2021 all the way to the end of 2023), and the limits set by the powers of be (some of which JK very defiantly crossed). So yeah, JM was going to wait for JK's solo debut before enlisting.

As for enlisting together. That was something that was being assessed and in the works for several months. Something obviously kept quiet for good reason.

Was there a give and take with the company when it came to JK and the album? 100%. There were things he wanted, there were things they wanted, there were frogs that it being a first solo album he knew he would have to swallow.

Were some of these concessions given to allow the two more freedom, like allowing the 'travel show'? I do believe they were. Perhaps also prices paid (with Golden) for demands agreed upon in their new contracts. I can definitely see that happening.

The push for a full length album could be one of those, for example. JK was talking about a mini album even as late as mid July, and then it turned into a full length album. Could it have been the company pressuring him into it? Yes it could, as in the company wanting this. But JK is not one to cave in just because the company wants. So very possibly we had a bit of give and take going on here, and some of it most definitley would have had to do with allowances made for the two of them.

But at the same time I don't think it had anything to do with the joint enlistment. Not only don't I think that the company would have a say in it, legally or morally, but this wouldn't be something that either of them would stand for. So, in case I didn't make myself clear here, I will say it again - the company didn't use the possibility of joint enlistment as a tool to get something extra out of JK.

You talk about Hybe not being a company that will allow their artists to do as they wish. BTS belong to Big Hit, which is a subsidiary of Hybe. But Hybe would not have existed if not for BTS. BTS made BH what it is today and Hybe was built on their coat tails. And BTS, the members, they have enjoyed many freedoms within their company over the years. Not full freedom though. And Jikook, well they were allowed to be (while in other companies this was not allowed, couples forced apart or forced out). And not only were they allowed to be, but towards the end of 2020 there was movement towards normalizing their relationship, ear suck, hickey and all.

But then came Hybe and Hybe going public, and I knew the day that was announced that even though the members will get a huge payout this move will cost them freedoms they already had, because now there were shareholders and share prices to worry about, and when your band is the main bread winner for that company, well, as I mentioned, there is a price to pay. And they have been paying that price. The two of them for the 2 years prior to their enlistment. As long as they were under their old contracts they were bound by them. Which is why I feel like there will be changes coming when they are done with their MS and well into their new contracts. This will be freedom regarding their art (I think we can already see part of that with RM's new album) but also regarding their personal lives, in a sense of what they can or cannot show if they choose to. JK telling us he's human, telling us he loves us but he deserves to be happy, or even more needs to be happy to be able to create and perform and make us happy (you need to be especially dense if you don't understand that this also includes being in a relationship with another person, who may or may not be a member of his own band). This includes setting boundaries with their fans - yes they love them and feel indebted to them, but at the same time they need to stay in their own lane (I do think JK has been too nice at times setting these boundaries, while others like RM, Yoongi and Tae - a couple of times - were way blunter).

Once again, Hybe wouldn't have the right to 'allow' or 'disallow' them to enlist together. This would have been their decision and theirs alone. Hybe could talk about timing and what they would like to happen before or after, but not if it can or will happen. Hybe could like or dislike it, support it or not, but they would have no power over it. The military alone would have a say if to allow it or not, and at the end of the day we know how that one ended.

I also want to touch on another point.

Again.

Their choice to enlist together.

I've seen talk about Jikookers using the term NEED when it comes to the two of them - needing to be with one another to get through their military service, and I wanted to put in my two cents on this.

The way I think of it is that when people use the term need in that case it's not about saying that if they weren't allowed to enlist together they wouldn't have survived it. No. That isn't it. Not in my opinion, in any case.

These two young men are strong physically and mentally, and they would get through whatever was thrown their way (wouldn't be easy, I tell you that, but they would get through it). Chances are that if they wouldn't have gone down the path of enlisting together they could have landed a cushier placement, band perhaps, like NJ, who knows. But definitley the choice to do this together had a price tag to it, and their letters from Festa tell us as much as well (even though they obviously sugar coat it for us, but the sentiments are clear - it's hard).

So, they chose this. They knew this was going to be hard. A harder, more difficult, placement if they were to go down this path. And yet this was their choice!!

Why?

And here comes that NEED into play.

Yes, I do think that they needed this. They needed each other. They needed to not be separated for 18 months not knowing if and how often they could get to see each other or be together (maybe, if allowed, once in 3 months, and only if their units allowed the time off at the same time). They needed that person that they trusted and KNEW that would stand by their side, that would support them, be their rock, catch them when they fall, be by their side in their time of need, just like they always have been.

They are each other's PERSON. The one that would ALWAYS be there through good and bad.

They both put it down in words:

JM

And JK

Shock, awe... I must be one of those delusional Jikookers that believe JK's lyrics were not describing his relationship with us, the fans. Another song written for the one person they love, yet given as a gift to Army.

And in his very subtle but intelligent way, he told us that himself:

"Even when I was working on the song, I really wanted to release it as a fan song".

Just like JM did, eh?

Would it be too hard to just say : "I wrote this song for my fans"? He chose not to, didn't he? Once again we have choices here.

I digress.

You could replace NEED with WANT, if you will. Same same in this case, imo. Seeing how hard they fought to find their way to this exact point.

The first, the only idols to ever do this!!

Bottom line:

To me, using the term NEED in this context is not about them not being able to make it otherwise, but more about a choice made to have that person they feel closest to, the person that has since forever been their emotional anchor, the person that lifted them up when they fell, the person that stood by them, cared for them, supported them when they were struggling. The person that KNEW them to the core and would be there by their side to get through this together with.

Each other.

[takingchences]

𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐒 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐑𝐎𝐋𝐋 𖤟 alter ego

Where Savanna Rios, the reigning queen of Beacon Hills High, learns that while she may be at the top of the social food chain, she's not the only predator prowling the halls.

Pairing: Stiles Stilinski x siren!fem!oc

Warnings: mature language, dark themes

series masterlist + other works

⊶⊶⊶⊶⊶ ⛧ ⊶⊶⊶⊶⊶

"I'm telling you, man. It was weird." Stiles hissed into his phone that night, glancing at his closed door as if the girl might be able to hear him from the guest room down the hall. Maybe she could if she was, in fact, part of the growing supernatural community in their once quaint little town.

And if that was true, showering was going to be difficult during her stay.

"Let me get this straight. The girl you've been in love with forever comes onto you and you think that's bad?" Scott scoffed. "I don't get it."

"You weren't there, okay? You didn't see it. Something was seriously off. I thought I saw..."

"What?"

Stikes shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "I don't know. It just didn't feel like I was looking at the Van I know."

"Okay," Stiles practically heard his friend rolling his eyes. "Then we keep an eye on her. When is she coming back to school?"

"I don't know. Soon if she gets her way. She's bored out of her mind being cooped up like she has been."

"Has she mentioned anything?"

"No. I know I have to ask. I need to ask. People are just going to keep getting hurt unless we do something, but-" But this was Vanna Rios they were talking about. His own personal kryptonite.

"I know, Stiles."

"Scott..." he sighed into the receiver, throwing himself down on the mattress. "It doesn't make sense. She doesn't fit the pattern."

"Well, she was the first victim, right? Maybe the pattern wasn't established yet. Or maybe your theory is wrong." It was possible, but his investigative instincts were screaming that this was a case of human sacrifice. "I mean, even you have to admit 'human sacrifice' sounds pretty crazy."

"This is Beacon Hills, Scott. Crazy is par for the course around here."

The silence on the other end of the line confirmed that the werewolf still wasn't completely sold on the idea. "Just get some sleep. We'll figure it out." Scott reassured him before hanging up.

Vanna was the missing link. The outlier. Whether she was targeted to throw people off or it was an honest mistake, he wasn't sure. But it was no coincidence that all other victims were virgins. So why was she chosen specifically? It seemed like a pretty big gamble to sacrifice the Rios girl without confirming if she fit the criteria.

Why not go with a sure thing on the first try, like the guy wearing a purity ring? It didn't make any damn sense.

Stiles eventually fell into a fitful sleep, plagued by dreams of being trapped in the woods, unable to move or speak as Savanna Rios is chased by a dark hooded figure. She nearly reaches his outreached arms before her eyes go wide, her neck sliced open by an invisible force. She collapses, lifeless, at the feet of dream Stiles as he screams for her to wake up. It lasted for hours, the boy forced to witness her gruesome murder over and over on a never ending loop.

He threw himself into a sitting position after only four hours of sleep if you could even call it that, breath ragged as he pressed the heels of his palms against his eyelids.

Down the hall, Vanna wasn't much better.

A recurring dream of crawling out of a grave had haunted her since that fateful night. She'd even gotten into the habit of checking under her nails, looking for imaginary dirt and blood. They'd taken swabs in the hospital but the results were inconclusive. She'd fought off her attacker with every fiber in her being, but it hadn't been enough. It hadn't felt like enough. She hated to even think it, but... she really felt like her luck ran out that night. Like she hadn't really made it back to the world of the living. Not all the way, at least.

They were able to confirm through tests that her heart had stopped before she'd been brought to the hospital. She wondered if anyone else knew that. If her doctor had told Sheriff Stilinski as part of the investigation. She hoped not. She already felt like a ghost of her former self. She didn't need any reminders.

⊶⊶⊶⊶⊶ ⛧ ⊶⊶⊶⊶⊶

Vanna woke up to the heavenly scent of bacon. She could hear father and son talking quietly downstairs, probably so they wouldn't disturb her. She silently slipped out of the guest room and into the bathroom, brushing her teeth and hair. She avoided looking at her reflection for too long, despising how fragile she looked wrapped in bandages.

Savanna Rios wasn't a damsel in distress. She was as unbreakable as a diamond, but... she'd never experienced true fear up until that night in the preserve. When she'd felt the liquid life seeping out of her, the cold rushing into her bones.

She wasn't scared now, though. Now, she was pissed. Angry that someone thought they had the power to take something from her that she wasn't willing to give up. She wasn't going to hide out in this house, waiting to see if they'd come back to finish the job.

No, karma is a bitch... but so was she. And revenge just so happened to be Vanna's specialty.

She crept on silent feet back to her room, the men downstairs none the wiser. She wore a high-necked tank and jacket, popping the collar to try and minimize the large bandage across her throat. No one needed to know the extent of her injuries. She plugged in her curler and quickly styled her hair. She left it down to provide more coverage around her neck.

She checked herself out once, twice before nodding in approval. She grabbed her backpack, thankful that Noah Stilinski was able to retrieve her personal belongings from her car. The vehicle was currently down at the station being inspected, but they'd released her bag and phone from evidence after combing through them thoroughly and finding nothing of importance.

Van pocketed her phone before heading downstairs to join the family of two. They stopped talking as she walked in, two pairs of hazel eyes blinking at her in confusion. Noah set down the newspaper he'd been reading, a fatherly frown of disapproval tugging at his mouth.

"Absolutely not."

Stiles was leaning on the counter buttering a piece of toast. Vanna ignored the sheriff, snatching the piece of toast from the boy's hand and biting into a corner before returning it back to him. His face contorted into mock offense even as he continued to eat it. She maneuvered her way around the kitchen with surprising ease. The placement of things hadn't changed much since she'd last been here nearly ten years ago. She plates up some eggs and bacon before nudging Stiles out of the way with her hip so she could use the toaster next. He complied without any protest, his own expression twisted in concern.

"Van." Noah shook his head, his own breakfast forgotten. "I really think you should reconsider this. You haven't given yourself time to rest and heal-"

She waved a hand in dismissal, raiding the fridge for some butter to smother on her toast once it was ready. Aha. She grabbed the tray and pulled a knife out of a side drawer.

"Van, he's right. Okay?" Stiles moved to block her path. "It's not safe."

The ravenette tried to speak, to argue, only for her vocal chords to crackle and whine like an old radio. She cringed at the awful sound, her fingers hovering over her bandage. The taller teen stared at her sadly, as if she'd just proven his point.

Vanna sighed, glancing around for her dry erase board. She spotted it on the couch, a border of sparkly stickers along the edges to add some personality since it seemed she wouldn't be able to express herself any other way for some time. She scribbled for a few minutes, forced to write in small print in order to fit everything she wanted to say in one attempt.

She'd already missed three days of school, and she only really remembered one and a half of those. She didn't want to dwell on what had happened during that lost time or why she had so many gaps in her memory lately.

Vanna wanted to see Coach and Danny. She wanted to check in on her new recruits and witness their progress. She wanted to bicker with Lydia over terrible cafeteria lunches while Allison played peacemaker. She wanted to make fun of Scott for trying to be her friend all the time. She was itching to prank Stiles to get back at him for being so weird last night. She wanted to fight and argue and joke with people that weren't her friends, but the closest thing she'd had to it in a long time.

She just wanted her old life back.

Stiles headed for the front door with his bag, swinging the key ring on his index finger. The ravenette and the sheriff had gone back and forth on the topic for nearly twenty minutes without much progress on either side and was nearly time to go.

"Alright!" The man threw his hands up. "You can go, but-" he stressed, spotting her little smikr of victory. "I'm keeping an armed officer on campus just in case. If you don't feel well or it gets to be too much too fast, then you have him bring you here and you stay here until one of us gets home." Savanna have him a cheery thumbs up, speed walking over to Stiles. "And when your voice is better, you have to talk to the guidance counselor. Or a psychiatrist. Someone that can help you deal with what happened in a healthy way."

Stiles saw a muscle in her jaw jump, her eyes getting some of that coldness back he hadn't seen since he'd first visited her in the hospital. She didn't acknowledge hat last statement, simply pushing past Stiles to wait by the jeep.

He shared a look with his dad before wishing him good luck with work and walking out the door. He waited to make sure that Vanna could get into the jeep by herself before he joined her.

He turned down the music as they waited at a red light, glancing over at his crush apprehensively. "You know..." he tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, filled to the brim with anxious energy. "If you need to talk about it or want to talk about what happened... I'd listen."

Stiles felt immense guilt even suggesting it, knowing that he would use her painful experience for his own benefit. But there were lives at stake here and unfortunately, Vanna was the only lead they had to go off of. She was the only survivor and possibly a witness. And it isn't like that's the only reason he offered. He would do anything, be anything Vanna Rios needed him to be. If she needed a shoulder to cry on or a human punching bag to take her frustrations out on, he was her guy.

She didn't acknowledge that he'd spoken, gesturing towards the now green light before recrossing her arms. The car behind him honked indignantly. Stiles scrunched his nose up but hit the gas, leaving Savanna to her own thoughts for the rest of the short ride.

Stiles parked in his usual spot and waited for Vanna to climb out before walking with her towards the doors. "No one knows about the accident," he murmured, leaning in close. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye suspiciously. "My dad didn't want to make you-" he cut himself off but she knew what he was going to say. He didn't want to make you a target. A victim. The pale teen scratched his head, constantly needing to fidget and move. "For all they know, you've been out with a stomach bug or something."

Vanna grabbed his open flannel, yanking him to a stop in the middle of the parking lot. She moved her collar to show off the large bandage wrapped around her neck. How was she going to explain that away?

Stiles's face fell, hating to see her suffering without being able to ease her discomfort. Vanna Rios loved attention, but the amount that such an obvious wound would bring about would be unwelcome to anyone. He reached out without thinking to smooth out the gauze, his fingers brushing against her skin. The cheerleader's eyes went wide in surprise by the brazen action.

Stiles blinked, realizing too late what he'd just done. He adjusted her jacket collar before pulling away, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Well, look on the bright side. You won't have to answer any of their questions."

She rolled her eyes, her lips quirked in amusement as the pair approached the school doors. Scott was waiting by the steps, looking at something on his phone with a serious expression. He barely glanced up as they approached. "Derek just texted. He said Isaac's-"

He froze mid sentence as he met eyes with Vanna. The werewolf glanced at Stiles as if to confirm that she was real and not just a figment of his imagination. Scott exhaled in relief, a sweet smile turning his lips as he stepped towards her with his arms out. Vanna didn't move as the boy wrapped her in a hug, being extremely mindful of her injuries.

It was the oddest thing, but she swore she could feel the pain and discomfort melting away in his embrace.

Now, she and Scott had gotten off on the wrong foot at the beginning of their relationship. He'd aggressively come onto her and she'd rejected him without a second thought. Since then, he'd apologized and tried to prove again and again that the side of him she'd experienced that day was far from his true self. He'd tried to make peace not only for his best friend's sake, but because he genuinely wanted to form a connection with the girl that had always been on the outskirts of his life.

He'd felt true sorrow and rage during their visit to the crime scene, the negative emotions permeating the air like a heavy fog had nearly choked him as he'd searched for clues. But seeing her now, healthy and in one piece, he felt a tremendous weight lifted from his shoulders.

Stiles shrugged when he caught her eye over his friend's shoulder. Scott pulled back after a few seconds. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're here, but don't you think it's a little soon to be back at school after what happened?"

Savanna turned sharply on Stiles, her glare sharp enough to draw blood. No one knows? She mouthed, rolling her eyes and pushing past Scott. She'd purposefully knocked into his shoulder.

"Van, wait-!" She raised her arm, flipping him the bird without looking back. Stiles punched Scott in the arm.

"What did I do?"

"Scott, your timing could not have been worse." They texted Lydia and Allison a heads up. Luckily, each of them shared at least one class with the ravenette. The girls quickly replied that they'd look out for Savanna. First period was Advanced English with Ms. Blake.

"So, what were you going to say about Isaac earlier?" Stiles remembered as they lingered outside the doorway a few minutes before the bell rang. Vanna was already inside, her desk surrounded by gossip hounds.

"He's back at school, too."

The sheriff's son sighed deeply. "Great. Another one to babysit."

⊶⊶⊶⊶⊶ ⛧ ⊶⊶⊶⊶⊶

People turned and whispered after her as she passed. It didn't take super hearing to know that they were discussing her mysterious disappearance. A few were bold enough to approach her, but her lethal glare sent them running. Well, all but two.

"You'll get used to it." Lydia sidled up to her, her fingers a blur as she texted on her phone. Allison flanked Vanna's other side, meeting her eye with a sugary-sweet smile. "Same thing happened to me last year."

"You were found naked in the woods after disappearing for two days, Lydia." Allison reminded the redhead with a playful eye roll. "It's not at all the same."

So they knew, too. Maybe not all the gory details, but enough to make her feel uncomfortable. Exposed. Damn you, Bilinski, she seethed.

"Who cares?" Lydia shrugged. "My point is, just let them get out it out of their system. It'll pass in a day or two. Hopefully."

If only she had her voice back. She could tell everyone loud and clear to (kindly) fuck off. She'd been trying all day to speak with very little improvement. All that came out were wheezes and whistles, but at least the pain was gone. So she blocked out the rest of the world with her headphones blasting her favorite music.

Coach Finstock had just clapped her on the back as she'd walked into Economics with Allison later. He was too busy throwing chalk at Greenberg's head to really pay attention to her appearance. It was probably the first and only time she'd ever be grateful for Greenberg's existence.

Danny pulled her aside to ask if she was okay, knowing her well enough not to push for details until she was ready to share. She nodded tearfully, hugging him tightly in the hallway before they headed to lunch hand-in-hand. They sat at a table by themselves with her head on his shoulder as she pushed her peas and carrots around the tray. Danny filled the silence by telling her about this new guy at school he thought was cute. Apparently, he had an identical twin that was also up for grabs. Danny wasn't nearly as subtle as he thought.

Her first day back was mostly uneventful until track. She'd changed into leggings and a gray Cyclones hoodie over a maroon workout tank. Stiles had tried to talk her into sitting this one out, only to receive a chilly stare.

He couldn't understand that she needed this. A taste of normalcy after the last few hellish days.

Scott and Stiles were talking on the side as everyone stretched. Vanna felt two bodies on either side of her as she touched her toes, standing rather close. She glanced out of the corner of her eye, spotting the twins leaning in to sniff around her hair.

Scott nudged Stiles, noticing the odd behavior. The two boys watched the twins closely. Ethan pulled away after a moment but Aiden lingered. Aiden blinked lazily as she stood up, as if coming out of a trance.

As soon as the whistle blew, Isaac Lahey and the twins took off sprinting. Vanna rolled her eyes, her nose burning from the overpowering scent of testosterone and wet dog that seemed to cling to most of the boys she hung around. She kept a steady pace towards the front of the group, choosing not to go all out like Scott as he sped past her and after Isaac and the twins. They weren't even going the right way.

She couldn't see Stiles, but she could hear him huffing and puffing a few feet back. She couldn't hide the little smirk as he cursed under his breath. This is why cross country is mandatory for athletes, Stiles. She required her cheer team members to participate to keep up their stamina. She might've hung back to tease the boy if she hadn't caught a whiff of something on the wind.

Blood.

An obscene amount of it, too.

Her pace accelerated unconsciously until she was flying past the others, shoving her way through if they didn't move in time. The girl was guided purely by instinct as she followed her nose further along the trail. She vaguely heard Stiles yell her name, but it was like she wasn't fully aware of it. Vanna felt like a spectator in her body, stuck in the passenger seat with her fingers just centimeters away from grabbing the steering wheel. She didn't know why she needed to follow the smell, just that something in her was called to it.

Rocks and dirt were kicked up as she skid to a stop at the foot of a hill. She could hear a hoard of footsteps approaching from behind, but her full focus was on the bloodied and battered corpse of a young man fastened to a tree five feet away. An ice-cold feeling of dread seized her as she took in the slashed throat and fractured skull. She was sure underneath all the blood, he'd have strangulation marks as well.

She clutched her head in phantom pain, her breath coming in pants as flashes of memory from that night surfaced. It was blurry and muddled, but she caught glimpses of a red truck and muddy, brown boots. The cold kiss of metal against her throat. A blood-soaked plaid shirt ripped to shreds. Leather gloves cupping her jaw. Wetness dripping from her fingers-

A horrified scream broke Vanna from her trance. She blinked heavily, feeling that foreign presence recede once again. There was sinking feeling, like her heart had dropped to her knees.

Is that... what I looked like?

Others pushed forward, gasping and whispering at the sight before them. Stiles shoved through the close-knit bodies with a half-assed apology. "Van!" He shouted upon reaching the girl, grasping her shoulders from behind. "What the hell? I was calling-" he froze, his hazel eyes blown wide in shock at the sight of the mutilated body behind her. "Oh my God."

Why is part of me enjoying this? The iron tang of blood in the air wet her tongue while simultaneously making her stomach sour.

With the hands on her shoulders, Stiles turned Vanna away from the dead teen. She didn't resist as he raised one of his hands to apply pressure on the back of her head, silently encouraging her to hide her face in his chest just as Scott arrived on the scene with the other stragglers. Vanna clutched the back of Stiles's gray tee in her clenched fists, trying to breath in and out but the metallic odor of blood nearly choked her. She burrowed further into his chest, breathing in his scent deeply to ground her. He combed through her hair with his fingers in a soothing manner, his left hand rubbing circles across her mid-back.

"It's him, isn't it?" Stiles asked quietly. Someone had gone missing from Scott's workplace the night before and they'd hoped that it was all just a coincidence. How naive they'd been to think this murder spree might end so soon. Stiles looked towards Scott, hoping for him to confirm his suspicions, when he felt Vanna tracing her finger across his back.

L-I-K-E, she paused, her hands shaking. M-E.

He tensed against her. Neither of them had told her that there were other victims out there. More attacks. His father was waiting to break the news at the right time, when she was in a better place mentally and emotionally to receive the information.

"Yeah, V." he sighed. "Like you."

She exhaled sharply against his collarbone. Stiles tried to concentrate as she traced more shapes and letters across his back. L-O-S-I-N-G M-Y M-I-N-D.

"Don't say that," he leaned back to smile reassuringly, but she wouldn't lift her head. "You're as sane as I am," he quoted Harry Potter. It was her favorite book series growing up and he knew she still geeked out about it in secret.

Vanna couldn't help the brief upturn of her lips at his attempt to cheer her up. It felt nice to let someone take care of her for once. Odd, but nice.

"Hey, get out of the way. Get back." The Sheriff and a few other officers emerged through the brush from the opposite side of the trail. He motioned for the students to move backwards as he neared the tree the body was slumped against. "Get this area cordoned off before they trample every piece of evidence," he ordered the officer next to him.

"Let's go, back it up! Everyone get back!" The woman called. The students grumbled, taking a few steps back.

"Get these kids out of here!" The Sheriff barked, his tone final as they taped off the area around the body.

Stiles reluctantly pulled away from his crush to approach his dad. Vanna watched him leave, turning when she felt a gentle hand on her arm. Scott. Vanna sighed through her nose before moving closer to him, her nose brushing the bare skin of his neck as she tried in vain to block out the scent of blood that made her head spin. Still reeks of dog. Scott and Isaac exchanged looks of surprise at her sudden display, but the werewolf pat her back comfortingly.

"It's okay," he whispered against her hair. "You're safe."

Vanna didn't know who he was trying harder to convince—her or himself.

Stiles gestured to the dead body. "Dad, look at it. It's just like the others. They all had the same injuries as Van."

Noah heaved a sigh, his shoulders slumped under the weight of a situation he couldn't begin to understand. "Yeah, I see that. Do me a favour? Go back to school, yeah?" His son's face fell. Noah's blue eyes settled on Vanna curled into Scott's side. He pat his son's shoulder. "Get her out of here. She doesn't need to relive this. Coach, you mind giving us a hand here?"

"You heard the man." Coach blew his whistle, waving his arms around in a sweeping motion. "Nothing to see here. Probably just some homeless kid."

Scott's chest vibrated under her touch as he spoke. "Coach," he got the man's attention. "He was a senior."

Coach Finstock lowered his head in respect, exhaling deeply. "He wasn't on the team, was he?"

Vanna raised her head to throw the man a judgemental glare over her shoulder. Stiles rejoined them with a defeated air around him. Isaac followed behind the three as they reluctantly followed Coach Finstock back to the school. They trailed further and further behind until losing sight of the group altogether. "Did you see the way the twins looked at him?" The blonde grit his teeth, glancing around warily.

"Yeah," Stiles responded sarcastically. His dark, partially damp hair fell against his forehead handsomely. Their shoulders were touching, the backs of their fingers brushing every so often. He'd grown more confident in touching her over the last few days, with most of the contact being initiated by him. Who'd have thought Biles Bilinksi had it in him? "You mean like they had no idea what happened?"

"No," Isaac scoffed. "No, they knew."

Stiles threw his arms up in indignation. "The kid was strangled with a garrote, all right? Am I the only one recognising the lack of werewolfitude in these murders?"

Subconsciously, Savanna raised a hand to her own throat. She remembered how it had gotten harder and harder to breath, the tightness in her throat bulding until... nothing. A place of no light, no time. Just total darkness. All three boys observed the action with varying degrees of anguish.

Dying, even temporarily, was one memory she didn't mind losing.

Wait- what the fuck? Werewolves?

Scott and Stiles froze, sharing an oh shit look. They glanced over to see her staring with an arched brow and panicked.

"Uh-" the best friends made eye contact, gaping like fish. "Right, that's..."

"The thing is-

"We were dead body hunting and Scott got bit-"

"And the Alpha wanted me in his pack so he locked us in the school last year. And Derek-"

"Derek Hale's uncle turned out to be a psycho." Stiles interrupted, laughing to himself. "Which, if you knew Derek, you'd know that it's totally hereditary."

"Anyway," Scott narrowed his eyes before turning to her with a sheepish smile. "There's more to this place than meets the eye. A lot of supernatural stuff happens that we have to keep secret. Me, Isaac, and Derek? We're some of the good ones. But there are others, like the twins, that want to hurt people."

"Kill people," Isaac fake coughed.

Stiles pulled a face. "Possibly kill people, alright? You don't know that for sure."

"What, so you think it's a coincidence they turn up and then people start dropping like flies?"

"Well," Stiles scoffed. "No, but I still don't think it's them. Scott?" Both boys looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to decide who won the argument.

"How about you?" The blonde pressed.

Scott looked at the cheerleader next to him for help but she merely shrugged. She didn't know enough about he situation to choose a side. She just learned that werewolves were real. That explains the smell, Vanna cracked a smirk.

"I don't know, yet." Scott admitted.

Hazel eyes narrowed in disbelief. "You... don't know yet?" His best friend scoffed.

The werewolf gestured helplessly towards a smug-looking Isaac. "Well, he's got a point." Stiles gaped at him, making an offended noise before shaking his head. "I mean, c'mon. Human sacrifices?"

"Scott," Stiles's jaw clenched. "Your eyes turn into yellow glow sticks, okay? Hair literally grows from your cheeks and then immediately disappears. And if I were to stab you right now," he said in a way that implied he might be considering it. "It would just magically heal. But you're telling me that you're having problems grasping human sacrifices." He gestured wildly with his arms.

Scott's mouth twisted, his eyes meeting Isaac's apologetically. "That's a good point, too."

The blonde immediately argued. "I don't care, alright? They killed that kid. They killed the girl that saved me." He stalked towards the school with tense shoulders. "And I'm gonna kill them, too."

Scott sighed, staring after him while Stiles grumbled about the blonde under his breath. The werwolf went after him to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. Vanna held Stiles back when he tried to follow. She pressed her index finger against his chest, tapping. You?

Stiles gave the cheerleader a self-deprecating smile, reaching up to grab her hand. "Sorry to disappoint. I'm just plain, old Stiles." She shook her head with a frown. Stiles had been her anchor through all this and she hated to admit how much she'd come to depend on him recently.

They stared at each other for a few moments before she slipped her hand out of his to point at herself. Me? The question he'd been dreading since Melissa had noticed her unnatural healing.

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "But I know someone who might."

[jeffrrandell]

Explanation for the connection I made lol 👇

I'm gonna at least slightly explain Tord and Gravy being roommates. I'm not going to lie to you guys, this was a joke made because when my friends and I were watching "Technical Foul" from 8 Crazy Nights we were like "that's like if Tord crashed at Gravys house tbh" and then it turned into "Tord somehow becomes Gravys roommate after he leaves Edds house, for like maybe 2-3 years. And it's almost like a Disney movie. Tords just happy he has a place to stay, and he knows Gravy is just soooooo nice but man is he annoying. So he's not mean to him, he just is autistic and only ever likes Edd anyway basically. But he warms up to em. Gravy works a ton of jobs, and Tord cleans up around the house. And an odd but actually important detail is Gravy smokes weed (because of all of these jobs), and Tord took interest in that. Getting high together kinda made it easier for his nerves to be calmed down, and it made it easier for him to realize "oh Gravy is just a guy". Of course afterwards, Gravy turns back to jumpy goofy Gravy, but Tord learned to appreciate the energy. Tord and Blonzie were already slight acquaintances, actually before Tord met Gravy. Somehow for whatever reason Tord ends up at the auto shop he works at, probably asked about a pile of spare parts that looked like junk and Blonzie said "take em". So they had that for a while. They're mechanically intelligent together. Plus Tord finds his stunts REALLY cool, as he loves destruction too. He'd love to invent little things for him to try out. They also both have "I'm gonna be silent now" autism. Anyway, he never in his life expected for Gravy to be like "meet my boyfriend" and "oh whataya know, it's the guy that calls me Tiny and gives me spare parts". Not sure if it makes sense for Tord to still be living with Gravy when he gets with Blonzie or not, but either way they'd make a really weird fun trio. Gravy definitely opened up Tords weird side for him. Because Tord is just so closeted around everyone, even Edd didn't know a few secrets about him (for probably crush related reasons, intimidation.) But with Gravy, it sorta didn't matter to him what he told him. He'd listen, and I mean it's sad but. Gravys a huge loser who's pushed around EVERYDAY, and for a bit Tords view on that was "well he has it worse than I do so he can't judge me"

But yeah, they're friends lol

In a WTFuture timeline, this was also a joke that turned out to be something that we all kinda liked. I believe in Tord clone theory btw! Basically one day, Not Tord shows up to Gravys house one day. Reminder that if this is a bad timeline, Blonzie is dead sorry. But yeah Gravy notices something is off about him. Very off. Like, somehow this Tord knows Gravy would call him "buddy" buuut.. Tord never called HIM "buddy". Blah blah blah somehow Gravy is in the Red Army. And I don't mean as a soldier, the last thing Tord wants is for him to die actually. As in any timeline, Gravy will work a million jobs. And that's exactly what he does. I'm talking coffee runs and goofy shit like that. Because to me, yeah Red Leader is "WOAAHH crazy leader man scary he's taking over the world" but it's EDDSWORLD, so he's also "aw man. My helmet stinky" "play just dance with me I'm bored" like y'know. Before this concept, I was like "yup. Gravy is the first to die in this timeline" and then it turned into "Tord wants to keep him alive because he'd be dead bored without him"

And I'm serious it's gets so goofy. To a point where THIS Tord also opens up to Gravy, crying about Edd and being like "I'LL JUST GET RID OF ALL THE COKE IN THE WORLD I CANT LOOK AT IT ANYMORE!!" and then he's like "😲💡" and then Gravy talks about his feelings too.

Potentially as well, since Gravy is trained in medical, he could also technically take care of wounded soldiers and almost act as a doctor but ONLY back at headquarters, he's not allowed to go anywhere he'd be in danger. Anyways. Yup. My sick and twisted mind.

[doubleslashkarma]

the doors were fucking crazy guys

SOOOOO a lot of shit happened in Lukey's stream today regarding Keeper lore and such, and I have. Theories. HUGE ramble under the cut

Though we already suspected, it's pretty much confirmed that Lukey was a scientist even in his past life, which tracks. He was experimenting with something, and whatever his research was, the Keepers want it desperately.

This is where Aimsey comes in, because one of the things the Keeper (?) said during the conversation in... The Null? I guess? Was:

S--l-... there's not many words that would fit into that scheme, and I can't help but notice that "Skulk" is one of them. Combined with the text that appeared on his Memory Fragments later in the stream:

"They were the ones who doubted my research... And now they need me..."

It seems the most likely story to me is that Lukey found a cure, or something similar, to the Corruption while studying skulk (I don't know what other use researching skulk might have). The Keepers KNOW he did, and want his help eradicating it entirely, but Lukey obviously doesn't remember, which leads to this weird back and forth where this... Keeper (?) asks for information that he doesn't have.

There's also the fact that this time, "Keeper" was put into question. The implications there that whatever is talking to Lukey is NOT a Keeper, but something pretending to BE one, is also a terrifying possibility that I don't really know what to do with. I don't know what else it could be. I'd want to say just a memory, but he comes away with physical proof of the interaction, so I don't think these are all elaborate hallucinations. I think. Who knows.

I have a lot of thoughts about how Corruption and skulk are tied to memory- the way players who have gone through The Maddening don't remember who they used to be, time sickness, and the fact that skulk collects exp. It would make sense, then, if the corruption is the erosion of memories then the skulk would be the preservation of such. However this schema in mind opens up some interesting avenues for talking about Lukey's memory loss.

This whole thing reopens Keeper!Lukey theory a bit, which I had previously totally disregarded. If he found a cure, it's possible that the cure cost him his memories, which would mean that he could've in fact been a half-corrupted player at some point. I'm tentatively putting that one back on the table.

However, I'm not subscribing to it. I still think the Keeper's language with him implies an "otherness" from the Keepers- the fact they were surprised to learn he knew the name of The Null, and the increasingly obvious fact that his freedom seems to be... conditional, to say the least.

There's also the fact that Stultus, Owen's Keeper friend, was so surprised and suspicious of the fact Lukey is connected to The Null. It seems like whatever "side" he's on, it's a different "side" than the Keepers who live in The Null. (It also opens the possibility that Stultus is on team Corruption, which would be interesting. The fact he said Lukey needs to "pick a side" implies so much yet says so little.)

This is more a bunch of random thoughts put together than anything but I feel like I'm going insane with the red string board over here lmfao

[aakaneeee]

well people. . It's time, aka Akane's monthly revival because there's Luka content. And gosh do I have a lot to say about this. Except.. I'm not going to market these as theories, but as predictions. I think as an og fan I've seen enough to be this confident in my abilities LOL

Quickly, I'd like to address the lyrics and the title, because I will reference it later and I don't want to have to explain mid-prediction.

Wiege has two meanings, and both are so fitting:

1. Cradle. It feels.. perfect, for me. It makes so much sense. Luka was a cold child.. but I'd like to say only physically. I feel like he genuinely warmed up towards Hyuna and Hyunwoo as a child. And I'm going to bring an idea that might get me a bit of backlash but.. I've gotten worse, and that is, that Hyuna is at fault for Luka's approach on his feelings. (Audience boos) From the little we know about Hyunwoo, I feel like Hyuna treated both him and Luka.. at least a little bit similarly. Or at least, Luka couldn't discern a difference, if there was any. Luka is a tube baby, he probably doesn't know (and I am not babying him here, I'd like to add!) what "siblings" he has. For him, affection might just be all and the same. Yes, it wasn't Hyuna's responsibility to teach him, but I feel like a hint was there "Your life is mine", and she could've explained, in a way. But, back to our discussion, Hyuna was Luka's cradle. She burns as bright as the sun, while he's colder. But most importantly, she was his only true friend (Considering I don't think his relationship with Hyunwoo was extremely close, even though they were 'friends'), someone he thought truly cared about him. Hyuna was Luka's cradle, holding him close, comfortable... until at one point, he outgrows that cradle (Hyunwoo's death).

And the second meaning, beginning. In the picture we got, Luka is centered, he's in the middle.. but he's so small, and overshadowed by the tree. Luka is the best performer of the ANAKT, always first, but has no friends. But perhaps, he was better that way. Then, Hyuna comes, and it's a new beginning. He's finally not alone. What I've noticed in the new banner, Luka is missing, but across the tree trunk, in his place, is a taller shadow. Perhaps, a shadow of who Luka was, hopefully still left in there. Or, the other way around, it symbolizes his real self being left there.

And the lyrics:

When I close my eyes,

Play in paradise.

These, to me, remind me of the interview where Luka said his favorite game was hide and seek. In a way, his whole ANAKT life was a game of hide and seek: hiding all the time, but no one trying to seek him. Until Hyuna did, and found him. Something that intrigues me is the "paradise", which to me sounds like what Mizi once said: Dying in competition means returning to the Great Anakt, which I suppose is to them like Heaven.. or Paradise. This will be important later, so remember it.

And now, my predictions for the HyuLuka episode

! First of all, I think the song will be lullaby-like. When I first saw this teaser, with the lyrics, as weird as it sounds, it reminded me of Richard's song in The Hero in TAWOG, a song that always gets me to cry for some reason, and I've been really stuck on that . It would be interesting, because it would fit Luka's voice (as does everything else), but probably not Hyuna's, even though 6FU; would eat it.. which to me, sounds like their "love", where Luka loves her, but it isn't returned. I'd love to see more German in it than just in the title. And considering the nostalgic, pastel, very cutesy artstyle (that reminds me of the memory part from Jordan River animation!), it seems very viable. But the art style is also noisy, which gives an unsettling vibe. It feels like a 2020's dreamcore wallpaper.

I might be crazy, but the hand holding the flower (with only 3 stamens, like the 3 friends) looks dark-skinned, like it would be Hyuna's or Hyunwoo's, but I doubt it would be his, considering it's the account's profile picture. If this is some kind of reference to.. perhaps, an unrequited Hyuluka but the other way around, with Hyuna still not over Luka.. probably won't happen, but God, would that be awesome.

So, how do I think the round will go?

First of all, I have to say, I'm not sure if this will be a round or a Mizisua type episode.😭 I'd say "oh the wait time is way too small" but also... do you guys remember the production announcement of Round 7? Yeah. You can never be sure.

This isn't necessarily a prediction, but more of a suggestion of what could be: It would be SO cool if it would be both.. in a way, merged. This idea just appeared in my mind and I was like OH. MY. GOD. Imagine if almost the whole thing was just them, as children, having fun, a whole backstory.. but then, when Hyunwoo dies, it pans on his face, and then it's back on stage, the loser's face instead of his. It would be so heartwarming, and then DEEPLY DISTURBING and traumatizing. I also really want some Luka and Heperu backstory so I can hate Heperu even more.

On the topic of the loser... It's going to be Luka. I'm an insane Luka lover and it was hard to get accommodated to this idea, but there is no way that he will survive. First of all, the shadow in the account's banner, in place of Luka. It's implications... are quite obvious. Second, the pattern of characters shown in Sweet Dream, and he is next. Third: "In my arms, you would be protected." I feel like Luka would consider the competition "In his arms". I don't think he would break his promise: hear me out for a second. He wouldn't let Hyuna die this way, because I feel like his sense of possession over her also comes with responsibility and protectiveness. And fourth, the Paradise lyric, to me, is a foreshadowing of his death.

I also think he will die by self sacrifice. First of all, there's no way Hyuna could defeat Luka by pure odds. Yes, her stats are better, but lets be honest, her mental power would NOT be as good infront of Luka, and also, the aliens wouldn't vote her. She's a rebel, wanted for so much time, with technically no guardian: they wouldn't want her to defeat their prince, probably. And second, I have made two categories:

The "perfects": Sua, Ivan, Luka

The "rebels": Mizi, Till, Hyuna

See something similar? Both the perfects that are dead, have died by self-sacrifice. The only other dead character, Till, has been shot while reaching for his freedom, so you can't say this is for all characters. And let's be honest.. Patterns are usually being followed in this series. Id also like to add, even though it's a reach, that in a tier of how 'perfect' they are, it'd be:

1. Luka

2. Sua - not so obvious self sacrifice

3. Ivan - obvious self sacrifice

So, I'd say that Luka's might be even more backstage, as if to sabotage himself in a way that seems viable. It also kind of goes in line with his character, he's not one to break facade on stage.

I think this episode will be quite a deep-dive into their true selves. We know the least about them, so this will be GREAT. I'd love to see a more morally gray Hyuna in this. (Since I'm genuinely kind of tired of only Luka being villainized in the ship, which honestly..  is kind of in line with the other perfects. Let's let Mizi, Till and Hyuna be little freaks too) I also want to see atleast a little bit of Hyunwoo, like a little snippet of his mind, what he saw in Luka.

In conclusion, I'm SO happy and hyped about this HyuLuka episode, they're so mysterious and I really really want to see more of L- I mean, more of them. Getting 2 episodes where Luka is present one after another is literally THE dream to me. Basically, Wiege is killing me and I'm gladly letting it.

@4listr Since you asked to be tagged and also, @rockwgooglyeyes I REALLY want your opinion on this

[codenamethebird]

Ok here's a little (not really) analysis/theory post about Hades 2, because I'm obsessed. Its consumed all my thoughts. And I need to talk about a theme I think will (hopefully) be addressed as the game progresses.

Here's some examples of dialogue that starts to touch on this conflict between mortals and the gods. What exactly do mortals deserve? We also have literal Icarus "flew too close to the sun" here too (and probably Pandora). Chronos was able to sway many to his side with a promise of a golden age without the gods, which is presented by the narrative as a foolish venture. And not saying it isn't, or that Chronos is the secret good guy here, but I believe Chronos is taking advantage of a very real hurt that exists for mortals.

This line from Nemesis really stood out to me, because it implies that while mortals have a concept of evil, the gods don't. Which sounds ridiculous but the more you think about it makes total sense. The gods in Hades (and just greek myth in general), are kind of the worst. They are petty and selfish, they literally attack you if their boon isn't picked first, and most vitally in this context, often utterly disregard mortals.

For example, one of the things that drove me a little crazy in Hades 1, was how chill everyone was with Demeter's never ending winter. Demeter was killing possibly millions upon millions of mortals and everyone else just sort of let it happen. Maybe complained a bit because it was annoying to them, but just stood by. And that's just one example. Mortal's have a very valid reason to hate the gods.

And considering we have more areas of the surface to explore that aren't out yet, I have a feeling Melinoë is going to be meeting some of these discontent mortals. And my hope is they are going to be nuanced characters, that will challenge Melinoë not just in a fight, but her very ideals.

Because Melinoë is very deferential to the gods, waaaaaay more that Zag ever was. Unlike Zag, who was more like a bro to them and was willing to suck up to them for personal gain, Melinoë seems to genuinely mean all the respect she gives them. She praises them, defends them when they are insulted, and just generally very polite to them.

In a smaller scale, she describes Hypnos as having a wisdom about him and can somehow sense her intensions while asleep. Which as Nem implies, the version in Melinoë's head doesn't exactly line up with reality (though sidebar, I am a believer in Chekov's Hypnos and that he's going to somehow save the day and put Chronos in a never ending sleep or something, but that's beside the point haha).

Melinoë's reverence to the gods makes total sense of course. She was denied her family and a happy childhood, and because of that has glorified them all in her head. The Olympians are sending her vital aid on her holy mission for vengeance and to save her family, even as their own home is being attacked, how honorable of them!

And I think part of Melinoë's arc is that perfect picture of them breaking into pieces. Yes, they are the better of the two options between them and Chronos, but that doesn't mean they aren't also kind of the worst. That mortals deserve better than frivolous gods that can decide on a whim their fates for better or worse (love u Moros but I'm still fucked up over you and your sisters giving mortals horrible doom endings when you were bored. At least he feels bad now but still. Perfect example of gods even when not intending to having horrific consequences for mortals). And maybe like how Zag healed relations with his family, Melinoë can start repairing relations between the Gods and Mortals.

[kuzure-collapse]

Hi! So, to start off with, I'm absolutely obsessed with Loser's Bromance! Genuinely, I think it's one of the best Quote stories I've read in a while (and I read a lot). Please do not EVER give up on it 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Secondly, I was wondering what type of yandere each of them are? I have theories but only for two-three of the characters. Who would go as far as to kill someone for mc? Who would kidnap mc?

Thirdly (sorry if this paragraph comes off as impatient or rude), what's your updating schedule?? There's been times where I've been reading something then the author doesn't update for months before updating once more and I was wondering if you're one of those types of authors or not? It's totally fine if you are, no judgement here, but I just need to know so I'm not waiting around in anticipation for half a year 😭

Sorry if this is a big ask!!

thank you! i'm glad i could meet your standard. i don't plan to stop writing it, not until I've reached the ending i drafted.

this is a soft-yandere story, so nothing too crazy here. no one's getting kidnapped. maybe yanagi is killing people, but none of the main cast will be getting killed off. the yandere will mostly be shown in subtle hints at each character's obsession. the most yandere would probably be at the end, when yanagi decides to go off the rails.

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i'll explain how each character displays their yandere traits in the story:

Tomohiro:

likes leaving marks on mc, like bruises or scratches from their judo practices

he would bite if he could. wants to show that mc is his

Kotose:

mc is nice to everyone else, but only bickers with kotose. that must mean that mc likes kotose, right?

likes collecting items that belong to mc, just small things that he doesn't think mc would notice

likes to think of how mc would react if he caught him

Satsuma:

opposite of kotose, he likes giving items to mc

first food, then the ankle brace. what's next, big hoodies?

similar to tomohiro in that it shows mc belongs to satsuma

Yumeki:

likes drawing and taking pictures of mc, treating him like a muse

whether or not mc is aware

the drawings often make mc look better than he really is

wants to be useful to mc as much as he can

Yanagi:

mc puts his life on the line to help yanagi, that means he cares for yanagi the most, right?

his phone is filled with video recordings and photos of mc's embarrassing moments. enjoys humiliating mc in front of others with them

eventually becomes more than a joke and he starts taking candids, some even turn out good

watching the vids on his own and thinking "he's so fucking stupid haha what a loser" with a goofy smile on his face

i wont spoil what i have planned for his yandere phase. but if you've kept up with my earlier journal entries on quotev, you'll find a few one-shot pieces i wrote about him

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my goal for an updating schedule is every Sunday EST, Monday at worst. at the start i had chapters prewritten and would post consistently every week, but as chapters got longer, the time it took to post grew as well.

occasionally i'll go on a break to focus on life. I'm not the type of author that can update multiple fics at once, or even multiple times a week. i prefer my chapters to be at least 5 pages long and proofread many times over. sometimes my chapters get as long as 15 pages because i don't feel like it makes sense to split them up.

people praise my work but not many understand that the quality comes from how much time i put into it. while i could update more often, it wouldn't be a product I'm proud of. even chapters that I've worked on for months have me feeling iffy before i hit publish.

hope this clears things up! i don't particularly care if people hound for updates (i brush them off anyway), but i wouldn't recommend doing it too often since some authors find it annoying. most people prefer receiving nice comments like these. i personally like when people ask questions or make theories about the story. those comments are much more motivating compared to "pls come baccck" or "pls updattttee"