#i feel like it's a way more important group than alice makes it out to be

[aster-go-brrr]

OH MORE HEXENZIRKEL LORE POOOG

[howcouldmuffin]

Drought.

In a relationship with him feels like being in hell, so you shouldn’t ever go back there again.

PAIRING : Modern!Gwayne Hightower x Fem!Reader

WARNING : NSFW, Modern AU, Toxic Relationships, Open Relationships, Mentions about the use of alcohol and drugs, Sex Content

AN : I had a lot of fun writing drama for these characters, and as always, I hope you enjoy this piece. Love.

please be kind to me English is not my first language.

You glance at your watch again. It’s 8:14 PM, and there’s still no sign of your boyfriend. Not even a shadow. How many times has he been late like this? You feel like crying right here in the middle of the café, but it would be pointless.

After sitting a while longer, you see the person you’ve been waiting for rush into the café. There’s a red mark on his neck, clearly a kiss, and he smiles at you without the slightest hint of guilt. You’re furious at his attitude, as if he has no idea how much you want to scream at him.

“Sorry I’m late, babe.” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “Kiera wanted help picking out her outfit for the party tonight.”

Seriously? He’s using the new friend he met just a month ago as an excuse, when you’ve been telling him about this movie for half a year. Heaven help you, you’ve never felt so invisible.

“I told you not to be late, but you still managed to do it.” you say sternly. “I should have never expected anything better from someone like you, Gwayne.”

“I’m sorry.” he replies. “Why don’t you go see the movie alone? You should’ve known I’d be late anyway.”

“The tickets are with you, idiot.” you snap, gathering your things from the table and standing up to leave.

“Oh, and Alicent asked me to remind you about dinner with her family tomorrow. Make sure to pick her up before you go.” With that, you walk out of the café, fuming that he can’t even manage his time between his friends properly. Prioritizing is clearly not his strong suit.

Before long, you realize that tears are streaming down your face. You didn’t want to cry over this again. Realizing that you might not be important to him hurts deeply, and lately, your conversations with him have dwindled. You barely even talk on the phone anymore. Are you two still even together?

"Really? I can't believe he's late all the time, but when it comes to family dinners, he's always punctual." Alicent, says.

"For heaven's sake, was he late again?" Rhaenyra adds.

"And what am I supposed to do? He's just like that." you grumble. "It would be nice if he could show up on time more often." As you finish speaking, you notice your classmate walking into the cafeteria, and since there are a few things you need to discuss with him, you quickly get up and walk over.

"Theo, do you have a minute? I wanted to talk about Professor Flint's assignment." you say. You've been paired with him for group work several times, and besides Rhaenyra's group, he's probably the person you're closest to.

"Sure! But let me grab a coffee first, then we can head to the library to chat."

"Sounds good, I need to return a book there anyway." you reply. "I'll be right back, I just need to grab my bag." Theo nods in agreement, and you quickly head back to your table to get your bag. You find your boyfriend sitting there, chatting with your friends. Ignoring him might not be the best move, but you're not in the mood to talk to him right now.

"Where are you going?" Gwayne asks.

"I'm working with a friend." you reply, reaching for your bag, but he grabs it first. "Gwayne, give it back, my friend's waiting."

"The guy with glasses?" He holds your bag behind him, refusing to give it back.

"Yes. Now, can you return my bag?"

"I'll give it back if you agree to have dinner with my family tonight." he says, clearly more concerned with getting his way than with your schedule. You can't believe you agreed to date this guy.

"I have work to do this evening." you say, trying to grab your bag from behind him, but he doesn't let go easily. "Gwayne!"

"Come on, there's still time to finish Professor Flint's assignment. You should come with us." Alicent chimes in, trying to persuade you on her brother's behalf. You sigh deeply before finally agreeing to go with the two siblings. At last, you get your bag back.

"If you're late to pick me up, you're not getting away with it."

It's another time you find yourself waiting for him at this restaurant. Today is your birthday. You’re hoping he’s just caught up with something or stuck in traffic. You don’t want to think that he might have forgotten this important day. You glance at the watch on your wrist again.

There’s less than an hour before the restaurant closes, but the person you’re longing to see is still nowhere to be found. Maybe waiting a bit longer won’t hurt. Maybe he’s just busy and is on his way to you.

“Excuse me, our restaurant is about to close. Would you like to take the remaining food home?” a waiter asks, noticing that the food on your table has barely been touched.

“No, thank you.” You nod, stand up, and leave the restaurant, unsure of what to say or do next. Just as you step outside, you see your boyfriend approaching the restaurant, and you decide to walk away before he can see you—but unfortunately, he catches sight of you.

“Don’t go, babe! Wait!” He hurries over to you. “I’m so sorry, I forgot about our date.” he says, stopping right in front of you.

“Do you even remember what day it is today?”

“What day?”

You take a deep breath. “It’s my birthday.”

His face immediately falls. Damn it. Tears well up in your eyes, and finally, they start to spill over. Seeing this, he reaches out to wipe your tears, but you push his hand away.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, babe. I messed up, I know.”

“Is that all you can say, Gwayne?” you cry.

“I just thought you usually celebrate with your family or your friends—”

“So is it wrong that I wanted to celebrate my birthday with my boyfriend? Is it wrong that sometimes I can do things on my own, but I just wanted to do it with my boyfriend? I’m your girlfriend, Gwayne. Am I still your girlfriend?” you sob, your voice trembling as the tears run down your cheeks.

“Maybe the importance I give to you, I just thought that—” you hiccup.

“No, babe, no. Don’t say that,” he says, stepping closer and trying to hold your face to make you look at him.

“I just thought… maybe we should go back to being just friends. That would match the level of importance I seem to have for you.”

He tries to hug you, but you push him away. He starts to say all sorts of things, but you’re not ready to listen to any of it. You’ve cared about his feelings too much, to the point of neglecting your own. You’ve prioritized him too much, more than yourself. You just need a break. You just want to stop this for a while.

It's been weeks since you last replied to any of his messages. You avoid him every time you see him in the hallway, and you've been hiding out in your room, not going out with friends. You know this isn't the right way to handle things, but you just don't want to face him or anyone else who might ask you about him.

You find it incredibly difficult to accept that you no longer have any status with Gwayne. It's hard to pretend that you don’t care about him anymore, even though you still love him deeply. But you're hurt by the way he treated you, hurt by the lack of importance he placed on you. It feels like you're dying a little inside every time you see his face.

“Do you really think avoiding him is a good way to deal with this?” Rhaenyra asks, as she listens to the professor's lecture in class. “Alicent told me he’s been going out every night, coming back drunk and smelling like women’s perfume every time.”

“What are you trying to say, Nyra?” you turn to her. “If he can forget about me quickly and finally live the life he wants, then that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“Don’t you know? He calls out your name every time he comes home, and he asks about you whenever he sees us.”

“Why don’t you just answer his questions for your friend?” you reply. “Just tell him whatever. He’ll be fine without me, even if he’s not sleeping with me anymore.”

“But—”

“The professor is going to ask a question, Nyra, if you don’t stop.” you cut her off. She goes quiet, turning her attention back to the lecture, just as you said.

After class ends, you rush to pack up your things and wait for the right moment, when everyone is leaving the room, to sneak out and avoid your ex, who is waiting for you outside.

“Get dressed. I’m picking you up tonight.” Rhaenyra says suddenly. “You can’t miss the party tonight.”

“But—”

“If you don’t come, I’m not talking to you again, ever.” Then she walks away, leaving you with no room to argue.

You glance at the mirror in your room. You're wearing a fitted grey mini dress under a thick black jacket, paired with patterned black tights and black high-heeled boots. Your hair is beautifully curled, but you still decide to bring along a red hat.

Rhaenyra was right. Hiding away and staying in your room forever isn't the right way to handle things. So, you decide to take a step forward, an important one. But before you can think too much about it, your phone buzzes with an incoming call from Rhaenyra. She must be outside your house by now. You answer the call and tell her you're coming down. After one last check in the mirror, you wish yourself good luck.

When you arrive at the party, the music is overwhelming, mingling with the voices of countless people indulging in drinks or something else to escape into their imagination. Nyra leads you to a sofa in the middle of the party, where people are already waiting, including Gwayne.

"You're late." Alicent says. "And once again, you're the most stunning person here." She looks at you and invites you to sit beside her on the sofa. Your ex has been staring at you non-stop since you walked into the room, making you more than a little nervous.

"I'll go get us some drinks." Alicent says, getting up and walking away. You silently hope that Rhaenyra won't leave you alone too, but fate always has a way of testing you.

"Well, I'm going to grab something to eat." your friend says. "I'll bring something back for you." And with that, she walks off.

Now, it's just you and Gwayne left sitting there, exactly as you'd feared. He moves over to sit next to you, and you slide away until you're at the edge of the sofa, but he just moves closer. You eventually stop trying to get away.

"You look amazing tonight." he compliments you. "So stunning that I'm completely blown away."

"Thanks!" you reply curtly, picking up your phone and pretending to do something, though you have no idea what app to open. It’s hard to think straight when someone is staring at you so intently.

"Can you please stop staring? I don't like it."

"Okay, okay." he nods and looks away. "Want to dance to a song?" He turns back to you. Seriously? Can't he take a hint that you’re not in the mood to talk?

"No, and don't follow me." You stand up and walk around the party, receiving smiles from some people who then turn back to their conversations. What's so interesting about your relationship anyway? You wander around but don’t see any sign of your friend.

You decide to grab a drink and something to eat. The party is still in full swing, with everyone riding high on hormones. Some are even close to throwing up, but thankfully, you dodge them in time. Eventually, you find a quiet spot where you can use your phone without being disturbed.

After a few hours, you notice that the crowd is thinning out, and you start spotting your friends. You decide to step out onto the balcony for some fresh air. Looking down, you see the pool area filled with intoxicated people, some of them passionately making out.

You hear someone walk up beside you. At first, you don’t pay attention until you notice the eyes watching you.

“Nice night, isn’t it?” Gwayne says, pulling something out of his pocket.

“You smoke?” you ask. “Since when did you start smoking again?” Your concern slips out before you can stop yourself.

“For a while now.” he replies.

“You quit before. Why start again?” you turn to him, not understanding why he’d want to hurt himself like that.

“No one’s around to stop me.”

“Then stop yourself.”

“Why don’t you come back and stop me?” He leans in closer, and closer still. You don’t move away like your mind tells you to, but you don’t respond to him either. When his lips meet yours, your body responds instantly, craving the familiar taste. You can't deny how much you want him too.

Not sure what kind of new beginning you want, you lean in and kiss him passionately on the bed. As you settle around him, you hold his face gently, ensuring he remains close to you. Slowly, you grind against him, feeling the firm pressure beneath your hips, your movements deliberate and intoxicating.

Gwayne squeezes your hips, it makes you cry out, seals with his mars on your buttocks, you gently rub his neck to the abdomen tightly with his muscles and stiffness under your hips.

He took his hand off your butt to the area of your chest. “No bra?” He rubbed his finger around your nipple. It made you moan a little. You slowly move yourself from him and move down to the bottom.

“It's very hard” you stroking the center of his torso, touching it slowly and knowing the suffering caused by yourself.

“It's just like this with you.”

“Lie” you swipe down his pants, his cock almost bounces off your face.

Even if you see it often, it's not used to its size.You slowly use your hand to rub it up and down slowly, his voice moans a little before kissing it around the head and using your tongue to lick at that point over and over again, using your hand to rub it up and down faster than the same rhythm before you suck it a little and use your tongue to play with it again.

“That's it, baby.” You speed up your hand more and more and more of your ton to lick around it. He finally cums out in your mouth. He took a tissue paper by the bed to support it for you to spit it out.

“Good girl.” as you're dealing with yourself, he kisses your neck and then chases after your collarbone, and makes a kiss mark on your body as if it were a work of art.

Gwayne slowly pushes you to lie down on the bed. He pulls your dress up to your waist. He plays with the crevice in the middle of your body. You open your mouth. He knows your body too well.

He finally pulls out your panties and tights slowly and it makes you very horny, he uses his hands to separate your legs and lick to your cunt, fingering your clit, your moaning is loud all over the room.

He starts to fuck you by inserting his finger, from the first finger to the second finger, you feel the pressure, but it also feels really good, he starts to move his finger in and out more quickly, and his tongue licks your clit, you grab his head, expressing your feelings.

He makes you like going to heaven, your hips are slowly rising along his mouth and fingers, you finally twitch and orgasm, he licks every drop that comes out.

“You're so sweet.” he said. “next to start entering the real game, beautiful.”

He took off your dress and squeezed your chest slowly and licked it to your nipples intently, you could feel the hardness dragging along your crevices, it almost lost your mind, you opened your mouth and moaned to the heaven he gave.

He slowly put it in. "It's very tight." Your moaning is both coordinated. His cock went deep in the point that will definitely make you can’t walk. Your legs are shaking and losing control. But your consciousness is almost no longer left. It's all white in your opinion.

His hips hit your hips and it's getting faster and faster. Your eyes meet, and with a shared, unspoken desire, you both lean in and kiss deeply once more.

The lewd sound is loud all over the room. Your legs are intertwined. Hold the one above you tightly. He broke the kiss and moved down to leave a mark on your neck, one that everyone will definitely notice tomorrow.

"Gods! Gwayne-" His speed was faster, he grabbed it to your waist and grabbed it, slamming fearlessly in pain.

“Together” you nodded in response to him, he finally cums, he pushed his hips even deeper and his seeds flowed into you, you and he kissed again, a fiery and intoxicating embrace that left both of you breathless.

You get up, your legs visibly trembling. You slowly adjust your outfit and head to the bathroom for a personal moment. Before long, you come out and put your underwear back on where it belongs.

“You should stay here.” Gwayne says as he puts on his shirt. “I really want to hold you.”

“No, we’re not anything.” you reply.

“Do you want me to show you again?”

“Gross, Gwayne.” You decide to lie back down on the bed.

“What’s better than falling asleep with sweet dreams and holding my girlfriend?” He lies down beside you and hugs you tightly.

“I’m not your girlfriend.”

“Then forgive me, and we can get back together.”

“I’ll never forgive you until you change, Gwayne.”

“As you command, princess.” He kisses your cheek, and you both fall asleep.

[burnednotburied]

Chapter 5: The Aquarium

AO3 Link | Masterlist

Pairing: Abby Anderson x fem!reader

Fic Synopsis: Abby goes looking for Owen and ends up on the wrong end of your knife.

Tags/CWs: angst; slowburn; enemies to friends to lovers; talks of purity culture/ideals and “sin”; internalized homophobia and some comp-het feelings (they’re both so gay but so dumb about it); animosity between WLF and Seraphites; blood/gore; descriptions of being hanged; religious/cult-like ideas; sorry (but not that sorry) to any Owen fans, but he’s kinda a huge asshole in this

Note: I added chapter titles and finally figured out exactly where I’m going with this story lol. Hooray for having a plan!!

(Sorry it took more than two weeks to get this chapter out! End-of-semester craziness, ya know? I hope this chapter being like twice as long as usual makes up for it!)

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Abby realized too late that she probably should’ve warned you about the life-sized whales on the ceiling.

By the look on your face, she could tell you’ve never seen anything like it.

Which made sense. She hadn’t either before she and Owen found this place three years ago.

She paused to watch you for just a second, taking in your amazed expression as you marveled at the enormous hanging sea creatures above you.

Abby could easily remember what her first time here was like. How incredible and other-worldly this place felt. She imagined it must be even more overwhelming for you, this fractured piece of a world you were not a part of and knew little about. A world where humans built a place where they could go to look at fish for no reason other than that it was entertaining. A world where people did things just for fun.

Of course, Abby had also never been a part of that world, but at least she knew about it. She’d caught glimpses of it, carefully and intentionally gathering bits and pieces. She watched films and documentaries. She read novels and history books, newspapers and magazines if she could find them.

Knowledge was power. And, to Abby, having power was important. Having power meant being able to keep the people she cared about safe.

And if you had enough power, no one could ever take it away from you.

So she dedicated herself to becoming powerful, both of mind and of body. It’s all she had known and cared about since she lost her dad.

It’s why she lost Owen.

She still wasn’t sure if that had been a good thing or a bad thing, but she knew she felt guilty about it.

Three years ago, Owen had quickly claimed the aquarium as his own. He cleaned it up, made it feel as homey as possible, and spent as much time here as he could get away with. Abby didn’t tell anyone, not even the rest of the Salt Lake crew. It was right around the time they were breaking up. She felt like she owed him her discretion at the very least. Not that it really made up for anything.

Yesterday morning, when Nora told Abby that Owen was missing, she assumed he’d come here.

God, she hoped she was right.

Abby shifted the injured Yara in her arms, her muscles burning from carrying the girl for so long.

It was early in the morning now. The sun had just begun to rise as the four of you had been making your way into the aquarium.

“Owen!” she shouted, leading the way down one of the hallways off the main entrance. Abby thought he would most likely be out on the boat, either sleeping or continuing in his never-ending attempts to get the thing in working order.

“Owen!” she called out again. “Owen! Are you here?”

She paused for a moment, listening. Nothing.

“Owen—”

“I’m here.” She heard his voice just before he rounded the corner, stopping short when he saw the whole group of you. “Are those Scars?” he asked, genuinely surprised and definitely confused as hell.

Abby ignored the question. “I need whatever medical supplies you have.”

Before Owen could respond, Alice came barreling around the corner, barking aggressively at the perceived enemies.

The next few seconds were chaotic to say the least.

You screamed and jumped back. Lev reacted quickly, his bow drawn and an arrow notched.

“Alice, no!” Abby yelled out.

Owen grabbed for the German Shepherd, holding her back as she continued to lunge forward, trying to attack.

“Put the bow down! It’s okay!” Abby shouted.

Owen gripped the dog’s harness tightly. “Put that down!”

“Alice, shut up! Lev, put the bow down!”

“Alice, stop—Abby, what the fuck?!”

“Lev, listen to them! Put it down!” you insisted, putting a hand on his shoulder as you tried to push him behind you.

All of this happened simultaneously, muffled by the sound of deafening, echoing barking.

“Alice!” a new voice, one that Abby knew belonged to Mel, shouted. To her, the dog listened, sitting down obediently with one final bark.

Mel stood next to Owen and Alice, staring.

There was a moment of silence.

Abby turned to the young boy. “Lev, lower the bow. It’s okay.”

Reluctantly, he listened.

“Abby, who are these people?” Mel asked.

“They saved my life,” she said, hoping that would be enough of an answer for now. “Can you take a look at her?” Abby looked down at Yara, who seemed to be barely conscious in her arms.

Mel dropped a hand on Alice’s head, instructing her to stay, as she slowly stepped closer, eyeing you and Lev cautiously.

“This is Yara,” Abby said before nodding over to the kid at her right, “That’s Lev. And that’s—” She stopped short. She wasn’t about to introduce you to them as Prophet.

Behind her, you spoke, offering up your name. Abby and Lev’s eyes both swung to you, widening for two entirely different reasons.

Abby’s because she was hearing your name for the first time. It was your name. It was like she discovered a brand new piece to this puzzle she had been frantically trying to assemble since the moment she saw you.

She wasn’t sure why Lev looked shocked, but it seemed like a big deal, for you to use your name in place of the title that had been forced upon you by the other Scars.

Abby quietly repeated the name, committing it to memory.

Mel gave a small nod, unaware of the mini revelation that was happening right in front of her, instead focusing on Yara with a concerned look on her face.

“What did this?” she asked, looking down at the girl’s mangled arm.

“A hammer,” you said, stepping forward until you were standing right next to Abby.

“It wasn’t me,” Abby quickly added. Guilty, despite her innocence. She was ashamed that she needed to make that clarification. Worried about what you would think about it.  

Mel hesitated, regarding each of the Scars one by one again before sighing. “Alright. Let’s lay her down.”

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The pregnant woman—clearly someone Abby knew but wasn’t exactly friendly with—decided that Yara had compartment syndrome, which apparently meant they would have to cut her arm off.

While everyone else argued about the best way to accomplish that task, you stood off to the side, feeling sick. If you had been able to stop Emily’s men last night, this wouldn’t be happening.

It shouldn’t be happening.

Yara was going to lose her arm or die because you failed her.

You were trying not to spiral. Trying to be helpful now. (Too little, too late.) Trying to pay attention to the Wolves’ conversation.

They didn’t have the supplies they needed to perform the amputation safely. Yara didn’t have time to wait the couple days it would take Abby to travel all the way to the hospital and back.

“What if we could get you there in two hours?” Lev asked, hands grasping the metal table where Yara laid in the center of the room. “The Wolf hospital, right? On the west side?”

The man—Owen—stood, interested. “How?”

“The bridges,” you said, realizing what Lev was getting at. All eyes turned to you. “Our people built them. High up.”

Lev nodded. “It’s how we get around the flooding. And… you people.”

After a quiet moment, Abby stepped forward. “Can she handle two hours?”

The woman considered this, her hand comfortingly placed on Yara’s shoulder. “Probably, yeah.”

Abby nodded. “Then make a list of what you need.”

Owen stepped closer, joining the circle the rest of you had formed around Yara. “Wait. Are you serious? Abby, these bridges are used by Scars.”

The fact that he was arguing against the plan frustrated you. Yara didn’t have time for this.

“They only send in small groups at a time,” Lev said.

“You heard that? Small groups.” Abby said, watching as the other woman jotted down the supplies on a loose piece of paper and handed it over.

“This isn’t a joke.” Owen looked only at Abby, trying to catch her eyes. She seemed to be actively avoiding making contact.

Instead, she turned to you and said your name, followed by, “Let’s go.”

You looked up at her, at a loss for words. It was sad that something as simple as hearing your name could have this effect on you, but it had been eight years since you’d heard it… And this was already the second time Abby had said it.

You wanted to turn and walk right out the door with her, happy to follow her anywhere, but reality set it.

“I can’t,” you said. “I don’t know where the hospital is. And I don’t know our bridges well enough to guide you. It will have to be Lev.” It looked like Abby might argue with you, or at least tell you to come with them.

You wanted to. The idea of letting Lev go back out into danger without you made you sick with worry. But, foolish as it may seem, you trusted Abby to look out for him. And you didn’t understand these other Wolves and the strange dynamic at play here. You certainly didn’t trust them to be alone with Yara.

“Someone needs to stay with her,” you said, holding Abby’s gaze.

She nodded, grabbing her backpack off the floor. “Alright. Lev.”

He looked to you, taking your hand in his. The group splitting up must’ve felt wrong to him, too.

Almost on instinct, you did what you had been trained to do. You offered a bit of comfort.

“May She guide you,” you said quietly, giving him a small, encouraging smile as you squeezed his one hand between both of yours.

The words were familiar to you both, a common Seraphite mantra. He reciprocated your tight grasp and finished the line, “May She protect you.”

When you released his hand, he placed it on Yara’s shoulder, as if to tell her goodbye as well. She was unresponsive.

You felt a hand fall on your own shoulder and looked up to find that it was Abby. She nodded her head to the opposite end of the room, impatiently taking your wrist in her hand and leading you over there when you didn’t immediately catch her meaning.

She didn’t let go.

Abby stood close, speaking quietly so that no one else could hear. “We’ll be back as soon as possible. Yara’s going to be fine, okay. And I’ll keep Lev safe.”

You couldn’t help the slight upward curve of your lips. “I know,” you said. “I trust you.”

She blinked, caught off guard, but continued. “I wouldn’t mention the whole you-being-the-Prophet thing to Owen and Mel if I were you.”

“I’m not a prophet,” you deadpanned.

She let out an exasperated breath. “Okay, sure. Well I wouldn’t tell them that the Scars think—”

“Seraphites,” you interjected.

“—Seraphites—Just… you get the point. Don’t mention it, okay?”

“What if they ask questions?”

“Dodge them. Be vague.”

“You don’t trust your friends?” you asked, more serious now.

“No,” Abby said. “Not with you.”

You couldn’t begin to guess what she meant by that.

“I trust them… for the most part.” She glanced at them over your shoulder before meeting your eyes again. “I just don’t know how they would react to that information. It’s not exactly a small thing. I don’t know what they would do with it.”

You looked at her for while longer, then nodded your head. “Okay. I won’t say anything.”

“Abby?” the man’s voice came from behind you.

She let go of your wrist immediately, as if she had been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to.

You turned around to find the woman—Mel—and Owen both looking at you like they were witnessing something truly insane, instead of just two people having a conversation.

Lev stood on his own by the door, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, eager to get moving.

From behind you, you felt Abby’s hand wrap around your wrist again, squeezing lightly and then letting go.

“We’ll be back,” she said, this time at a normal volume. She joined Lev by the door, opening it and leading the way out.

“Abby!” Owen said again, moving to follow them out.

Mel groaned, frustrated. “God! Owen, just let them go.” When he ignored her, she went after him, the door slamming loudly behind her.

You stayed behind with Yara.

She was blinking slowly, barely awake, her shallow breaths too few and far between for your liking. You felt helpless, knowing there wasn’t much you could do other than sit and wait.

You pulled up a chair.

Just outside the door, the two Wolves were arguing. Although, you only caught bits and pieces of it.

Something about Abby and Scars and a cloak… Something about someone who looked like she just stepped out of The Lord of the Rings. You didn’t know what that meant, but it was clear they were talking about you.

Again, you unfastened the cloak and freed yourself of your top layer. Whether that was due to embarrassment or a sudden recognition of the uncomfortable warmth of the room, you couldn’t tell.

“Did you see how she was looking at her?” “Owen, why do you care? Why does it matter to you?” you heard through the door.

The dynamic here was becoming more and more confusing.

You’d assumed that Owen was the father of Mel’s child, just because they seemed to live here together. But that didn’t explain Mel’s rather apparent unfavorable opinion of Abby. And it definitely didn’t explain Owen’s preoccupation with Abby.

Their conversation continued for several minutes, volume rising and falling periodically. There wasn’t much you understood and even less of it seemed important or interesting to you.

Eventually, the door swung open again, making you jump in your seat. Mel reentered the room, offering you a strained smile as she checked on Yara. You quietly watched her work.

“There’s not much we can do for her until Abby and your friend get back,” she said to you, eyes still focused on Yara. “If you want, I can get you set up with a place to sleep while we wait.”

“No,” you said, too quickly to be polite. “…Thank you. I’ll stay with Yara.”

Mel pulled her lips into a tight line and nodded, leaving the room again. She came back a few minutes later with water and a shiny red apple, offering them up for you to take.

“Sorry. I know it’s not much. Owen isn’t well-stocked on food right now,” she said after you’d accepted the snack.

You smiled. “Thank you. You’re very kind to be helping us at all.”

Mel didn’t really answer, instead gesturing to the door as she walked toward it. “Well, we’ll… be around. If you need anything. And I’ll come in and check on her periodically.”

You nodded, quietly thanking her again. The discarded cloak that you’d left on a table by the door caught your eye. “Oh. Wait.”

She turned to face you again, eyebrows raised in question.

“What is The Lord of the Rings?” you asked.

----------------------------------------------------------------

An excursion that was supposed to take two hours ended up taking nearly all day.

But hey, Abby had done the best she could.

She faced her deeply-rooted fear of heights on that sorry excuse for a bridge. She fought off Infected and Scars. She was, let’s say, detained by her fellow WLF soldiers at the hospital. And then she had to fight and kill what must’ve been the biggest, gnarliest, freakiest blob of cordyceps infection to ever exist.

She barely got out of there alive, but she managed to leave with the medical supplies in hand. Plus tons of new material for her future nightmares.

Mel had started operating as soon as they got back to the aquarium, with Owen assisting her.

You and Lev sat just outside the door the entire time.

The surgery had gone well. Yara was doing okay, all things considered.

After, Owen handed Abby a pile of sleeping bags and blankets and walked off without saying a word.

Abby handed them off to you and carefully lifted Yara again, this time to move her to a more comfortable spot to rest. She led the way to the next room, you and Lev trailing behind.

There was a long couch in the new room. You motioned for Lev to lay down on one end while Abby set Yara down on the other.

She stepped back and watched, amused, as you fussed over the two of them for a few minutes, using most of the blankets on your young friends.

When you were sure they were both as comfortable as possible, you left them to rest and walked back over to Abby. In your arms, you held the two sleeping bags that you hadn’t used on the kids.

You offered one of them to her.

She shook her head, motioning to the space on the floor in front of the couch where there was an old, worn-out rug.

“Lay mine out for me? I have to go do something before I go to sleep.”

“You’re leaving?” you asked, looking concerned.

“I just need to talk to Owen. I’ll be right back.”

You studied her face, like you were trying to figure out whether or not she was being truthful.

Abby doubled down, pointing again. “Go. Get some sleep. I’ll be back.”

You sighed but went where she had pointed and began laying out the two sleeping bags.

One for you. One for her. Right next to each other on the floor.

You had been doing a good job of hiding it, but Abby could tell you were exhausted. She couldn’t blame you. Hell, she was exhausted. And the sooner she touched base with Owen, the sooner she could come back.

She turned and went out to track him down.

----------------------------------------------------------------

You didn’t know what was wrong with you.

You had been awake for almost forty-eight hours, but you couldn’t fall asleep. Your mind was racing. Filled with worry for Yara, concern about her condition, guilt for having been unable to prevent the injury from happening in the first place. Thoughts of your own people hunting your friends with the intent to kill them. Fear that, despite your desire to keep them safe, your lack of knowledge and experience in the world outside of Haven would make that impossible.

You thought about the woman you killed yesterday. How she’d so tenderly and earnestly called you her Prophet just moments before you snuck up behind her and ended her life.

You wondered if you too were now an apostate. If the Seraphites had found the bodies of Emily and her men and assumed you were dead, or if they somehow knew that you betrayed them all the very moment you were given the chance.

You wondered if your mother knew what you had done. If she would be punished for your sins.

You thought about Abby, hoping that your faith in her was not misplaced. Hoping that your attraction to her hadn’t clouded your judgment.

This was crazy. All of it. It was too much.

You had tossed everything and everyone you’ve ever known aside, thrown the first twenty years of your life to the wind like it meant nothing at all, and run off into the forest with a Wolf without a second thought. And now that you, Yara, and Lev were finally (seemingly) not in immediate danger, you had time to think things through. Contemplate what you’d done and try to figure out where it left you.

By your own hand, your life had been irreparably changed forever. It was done. There was no undoing it. No going back.

You would stay with Lev and Yara. You would stay with Abby if that’s what she wanted.

But where would you go? It wasn’t safe for any of you to stay here.

That wasn’t a question you could answer. You didn’t know of anywhere else. You wouldn’t know how to find a place that was safe.

All of these thoughts bombarded your mind at once, taking turns at the forefront. Contradicting emotions swirled, adding to the chaos.

There was a sadness, a sense of loss for the people you had always belonged to.

Guilt and shame. Two feelings that were not at all foreign to you, but you had never felt as strongly as you did now.

A lightness. A happiness. Almost a thrill. A hopeful nervousness for the freedom you had claimed for yourself, the agency you had uncovered, and the possibility of what was to come.

Sadness, again, for the mother you would miss, and the realization that you had already been missing her for a very long time.

Frustration—simmering anger—for your childhood that was stolen and the shame that did not originate within yourself. The unrelenting voices that lived in your head, weighing in on every thought and critiquing every action. But those voices were not your own. You would take your dagger and cut their presence from your mind, carefully carving them out of your head and disposing of them yourself if you could.

And, amongst everything else taking up space inside of you, demanding your attention, it felt stupid and frivolous and wasteful, but you couldn’t keep Abby from your thoughts. She kept appearing, in the middle of it all. This was something that you truly did not have time for and should not be putting energy toward.

But you had never felt intrinsically drawn to someone in the way you were drawn to her…

Behind you, you could hear slow, heavy breaths coming from either end of the couch. You were glad that Lev and Yara were getting some rest. You’d do your best to make sure they got their fill of it this time.

You got up quietly, trying not to disturb them but feeling like you needed to move. You shook out your arms, rolled your neck around, wiggled your fingers, stretched your legs.

Honestly, you wanted run. Or hit something. Or scream. Loudly and for a long time. Until you ran out of air and your voice was ragged.

But you didn’t do any of those things.

Instead, you went to look for Abby.

----------------------------------------------------------------

“Seriously? You’re telling me Isaac’s top Scar killer just… turned over a new leaf? Decided to befriend and help three Scars?” Mel was staring into Abby’s soul, her words dripping in disbelief.

Abby had found her and Owen upstairs, in the same room that had once housed the boat man’s skeleton and the couple’s Christmas stockings (not at the same time, of course).

Owen was angry. Exactly what she had done to earn his anger, she couldn’t say. He held a jar of his homemade moonshine. A jar that was somewhere between three-quarters and one half full. Abby assumed it had been filled to the top just a few minutes ago.

He had apparently decided to be a silent, brooding drunk tonight, so Mel had been the one to interrogate her.

Abby tried to explain everything, albeit keeping things pretty vague. She didn’t want to give them too much information about you specifically, and she didn’t want them to get the wrong idea about you, so she made sure to omit the part where you nearly gutted her. And the part where you were the new Scar Prophet that Isaac was after.

Mel wasn’t buying the part where Abby simply had a change of heart.

She shot Owen a cautious look before she said, “Abby, do you—I thought you might—Is it possible that you’re…” Mel stopped, gathering her thoughts, trying to find the best way to word it. “It’s not… like… a problem that she’s a woman. It’s just… it is kind of a big deal that she’s a Scar—”

“Abby isn’t into a fucking Scar,” Owen interjected, his knuckles white around the mouth of the jar. “And she’s not fucking gay.”

Then he started chugging the jar’s contents, forcing down swallow after painful swallow.

The women were both silent for a second, surprised by the anger in his words.

Abby didn’t know what to say. She knew she was into you—and she’d be lying if she said that wasn’t at least part of the reason why she was helping you and your friends—but she had never considered if that made her gay.

She honestly didn’t really care to label herself as anything either way. It felt stupid—in the honest-to-god post-apocalyptic hellscape that they lived in, where they had been engaged in a never-ending war since they were kids—to care about that kind of thing.

Why should it matter—when her family was dead, her friends were constantly in danger, and there were enemies closing in from every angle—if she was romantically or sexually interested in men or women or both? Wasn’t that almost guaranteed to be the least important detail at any given moment? And why should she waste any of her time or energy trying to define herself in that way?

This was all really new to her. She hadn’t really let herself be interested in anyone since Owen, and she honestly wasn’t sure if she had ever been into him for the right reasons. Again, she remembered how uncomfortable it made her feel to kiss him, to be touched by him…

She couldn’t imagine that it would feel like that if you touched her. And just the fact that she hoped one day she’d find out was probably telling enough.

So maybe, in the Old World, people would’ve called Abby a lesbian. Maybe she would’ve identified with that title if things were different, if her life was lower stakes, and if she’d had more time to explore herself and her interests.

What-ifs didn’t matter. What mattered was that she was here now. You were with her—and she needed to figure out a plan of how to proceed from here—so she could make sure to keep it that way.  She could figure out the rest later.

Mel was the first to speak, annoyed, but addressing him calmly, like she was talking to a rabid animal. “Owen—”

He didn’t even let her get a word in.

“No. This is bullshit! Abby—” He looked past Mel to meet Abby’s gaze, insistent. “I’m going to Santa Barbara to find the Fireflies. If you’re smart, you’ll ditch the Scars and come with me.”

Mel slammed her hands on the table, causing both Abby and Owen to jump. “What the hell do you mean, you’re going to Santa Barbara?! We are going to Santa Barbara!” They weren’t used to seeing violent outbursts from Mel. She was the queen of passive aggression, but she rarely lost her cool. “What is wrong with you, Owen? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? This is all so seriously fucked up.” She turned away from them, clenching her fists at her sides, looking like she might cry. Or hit something. Or both.

But for the first time in years, Abby wasn’t on the receiving end of her disdain.

Guess all she had to do for her old friend to stop seeing her as a threat was get entangled with the Scar Prophet. No big deal.

Owen, in a moment of clarity, seemed to realize how huge of an asshole he was being to the mother of his child. He set down his jar, stood, and walked over to Mel, putting his hands on her hips and pulling her into him, her back pressed against his front. He was swaying on his feet, his cheeks flushed, hands clumsy. If he hadn’t been drunk before, he definitely was now. “Hey, I didn’t mean it like that. We are going to Santa Barbara. Of course it’s we. Hell, the Scars can come too for all I care. We’ll make it a party.”

Abby rolled her eyes at his quick switch-up and turned to go. Clearly this conversation wasn’t going anywhere productive tonight, with Owen drunk, Mel upset, and all of them exhausted beyond belief.

There was a creak by the door, and all three of them turned to look, Owen’s reaction far more delayed than Abby and Mel’s.

You stood there in your long white dress, hesitant to come in. Shy, having clearly interrupted a tense conversation.

Abby wondered how long you’d been standing there unnoticed. Her instinct was to meet you in the doorway and take you back to bed, away from Owen’s rude drunkenness and Mel’s inquisitive eyes.

“Hey! Scar! How the hell are ya? Come join us! We were just talking about sunny California. Ever been?” Owen pulled away from Mel and plopped back down on the couch, finding his jar again.

“Umm…” You looked to Abby for guidance, but she was just as unsettled as you. “No. I haven’t… Sorry, I was just looking for Abby.”

“Yeah, I bet you were,” he mumbled under his breath. Abby wasn’t sure if you caught that, but she wasn’t interested in having you hear any more of this.

“Let’s just go,” she said to you, moving toward where you still stood in the doorway.

“No! Come! Sit! Let’s talk,” Owen insisted, slapping the spot next to him on the couch.

You gave Abby another hesitant look before walking past her to join Owen. Mel sighed and lowered herself into a nearby chair. When it became clear to her that retreating with you wasn’t an option right now, Abby walked back over. She stood right across from the couch so she could see you, leaned against the wall behind her with her arms crossed over her chest.

You sat next to Owen, although not so close, putting as much distance between you as possible.

“Atta girl,” he chuckled. Abby wanted to punch him.

All of this was out of character for Owen, but she knew that he was always kind of unpredictable when he got drunk. With everything that had happened and emotions running so high, everyone really should just be going to sleep.

With that in mind, Abby would continue to stand nearby until you were ready to leave. She wouldn’t let things get out of hand.

“So… Scar—”

“Seraphite,” Abby corrected him. He scoffed and took another swig.

You smiled softly at her, looking grateful.

“Scar,” he said again. “Can I perhaps interest you in some hooch? Made it myself.” He offered up the jar for you to take, tilting it towards you with unsteady hands.

“No,” Abby immediately answered on your behalf. “She does not want any of your hooch.”

“Well give the girl a chance to answer,” he slurred. “What? Your little girlfriend can’t speak for herself? She can’t make her own decisions?”

You glanced back and forth between him and her, reaching for the open jar of clear liquid, properly baited by his taunting words.

Abby tried to remember that Owen was her friend—her best friend—and that he wasn’t usually like this.

“What is… hooch?” you asked, staring down into the glass jar suspiciously.

“It’s moonshine,” Abby said. When that didn’t clear things up for you, she added, “Alcohol.”

“Like wine?” you asked, tentatively sniffing it.

Owen laughed. Abby nodded, “Kind of, but it’s much stronger. Seriously, you won’t like it.”

There was a flash of something that looked like defiance in your eyes, offense taken at the idea that you wouldn’t be able to handle something that others could.

You put the jar to your lips and tilted it back enough to take in a generous mouthful.

Abby watched as your eyes went wide and you struggled to swallow it. Honestly, she was impressed that you didn’t immediately spit it out. You managed to choke it down before breaking out in a harsh coughing fit.

Owen laughed, accepting the jar as you shoved it back into his hands. Your eyes watered as you tapped on your sternum, taking a second to regain the ability to speak.

“You made that?” you wheezed in disbelief.

“Yep!”

“On purpose?”

Abby laughed at that, leaning back against the wall again once she was convinced that you weren’t dying.

“Hey, that’s prime hooch! You should be thanking me right now.” Owen took his own swig of it, lounging back against the couch with his arm resting along the back.

“Thank you?” You squinted your eyes but tried to be polite.

“I was kidding, princess. You don’t have to thank me.”

Abby, again, resisted the urge to punch him in the face.

“So,” Owen began, “tell me. How is it that you’re a Scar… but you’re not scarred?” He chuckled to himself, as if he had made a joke.

Your eyes shot to meet Abby’s, clearly unprepared to answer that question.

“Not every Seraphite has facial scars,” you said, keeping things vague.

“Every Scar I’ve ever seen does.”

“You’ve seen me, haven’t you?” you shot back.

Abby let out a surprised laugh. Owen clenched his jaw.

“Every Scar has face scars. It’s like your defining thing. It’s why we call you Scars.” He was adamant, unyielding. And the playful mask was starting to slip back into anger. Abby could tell this wasn’t going to end well.

“Well I guess you don’t know as much about Seraphites as you thought you did.” You were frustrated now, pressing yourself further into the far end of the couch to put more distance between the two of you.

Owen opened his mouth with a rebuttal, but Abby jumped in. “Lay off, Owen.”

He threw his hands up in surrender, leaning back against the brown cushions. “Fine, fine. Whatever. Forgive me for having questions. Fuck me, I guess. I’ve just never seen a hot Scar befo—”

Before he could finish the sentence, Mel was on her feet. “Alright. That’s it. You’re done.” She had been sitting silently up until then, ready to intervene if things got out of hand, just as Abby had been. Apparently, Owen calling you hot was where she drew the line.

Abby was glad Mel was saying something. Because if things had gone much further, she really might’ve hit him.

“Get up,” Mel instructed firmly, standing over him. “You’re going to bed.” He let her take the jar out of his hands and, with much effort, pushed himself up off the couch and started walking toward the door. Mel was right behind him, hands hovering on either of his sides in case he lost his balance. He was grumbling under his breath the whole way, like a toddler whose bedtime was being enforced.

Abby watched them go.

Once they were out of sight, she looked down at you, only to find that you were already looking at her.

“Sorry,” she spat out. “About him. He’s not usually like that.”

You nodded, but you didn’t seem sure that you believed her.

“So you guys are… friends?”

Abby cleared her throat. “Uh, yeah. We’ve known each other for years. Joined the WLF together. Me, Owen, Mel, and a few others.”

You considered this for a second before responding. “Where were you before?”

“Salt Lake City,” she said, looking down at her feet. “Utah.” Abby didn’t know if that would mean anything to you.

“Mel doesn’t seem to like you very much,” you said, observant, not trying to offend. Abby smiled, despite the meaning behind your words. You added, “And Owen doesn’t seem to like me.” You stated it like it was a fact, like it was neither good nor bad, just true.

“He’ll get over it. He’s just drunk.” Abby didn’t know if that was true, but she wanted to comfort you in that moment, not that you actually seemed to care all that much about Owen’s opinion of you.

“Can I ask you a question?” You were looking up at her, eyes wide and vulnerable.

Anything, Abby thought. Out loud, she said, “Sure.”

She pushed away from the wall and came to sit next to you on the couch, filling the spot where Owen had been.

“Why do you people keep calling me princess?” you asked. Abby laughed quietly under her breath, turning her body to face you.

“I don’t know. There’s something about you that’s very princess-like I guess.”

You made a face at her. She smiled wider.

“It’s not a bad thing. You just come across as soft. Delicate. I don’t know… Graceful.”

“I am not delicate,” you said, defensive.

“I know.”

“I’ve killed.”

“I saw.” Abby was being serious, although she did find the conversation amusing. “You’re very skilled with a knife.”

You nodded, satisfied with her response, and fully turned to face Abby. “And what does hot mean? Why did he call me hot?”

“Oh—” Abby stuttered, “Uh—He meant… He was saying that you’re very pretty.”

“Oh.” You considered this, eyes wandering away. “Earlier he said I look like The Lord of the Rings.”

Abby smiled again. There was something about you that felt like it might’ve been taken straight from the high fantasy genre.

“Do you know what that is?” she asked.

“Yes. Sort of. I asked Mel. She said it was a film about a magical land. With fairies and stuff.”

“They were books first.”

“Have you read them?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you read a lot of books?” you asked, genuinely curious.

“I try to read as much as I can. Whatever’s available.”

You nodded, thinking, letting the conversation die down.

After a moment, “Abby?”

“Hmm?” she hummed. She liked the way you said her name. Just the sound of it made her heart beat a little bit faster.

“Owen also called me your girlfriend.” You were studying her face, trying to read her reaction.

“Yeah. He did.” Abby said, looking into your inquisitive eyes.

“Does that just mean friend? Or is it something else?”

“He was just trying to piss me off.”

“So it does mean something else?” Your eyes were on her lips now, and you were ever so slightly leaned forward. Almost subconsciously.

“It doesn’t matter,” Abby said. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

She was pushing you away, and she didn’t know why. She could’ve answered that question so differently. Maybe she should’ve.

Abby wanted you. And she was almost certain that you felt the same way. At the very least, there was a curiosity. A hesitant attraction.

But she couldn’t shake the feeling that it was wrong. That anything with you would be something she wasn’t good enough for.

Something she didn’t deserve.

Something she would ruin if given the chance.

So tonight, she didn’t give herself that chance.

Was that noble or cowardly? She wasn’t sure.

You pulled away, turning to face forward as you let out a long breath, puffing out your cheeks.

“I’m tired,” you said, standing. “And I should check on Yara and Lev.”

“Yeah.” Abby nodded. “Okay.”

She remained in place, ready to mentally beat herself up some more and stew in her thoughts alone for a while.

You cleared your throat lightly, swaying on your feet. “Umm… I’m not sure that I can find my way back to the room. Can you… please—?”

“Oh.” Abby hopped to her feet. “Okay, yeah. I’ll… I guess I’ll go with you.”

She avoided eye contact, leading the way into the dark hallway.

[bairdthereader]

It's Imogen's turn now.

[I'll preface this by saying that I usually hate when tv or film adaptations of books add new characters, and I'm immediately biased against them when they show up on screen (hi, I'm the problem, it's me). I'll admit I felt that way about Imogen at first. But Alice is such a genius, and they wrote Imogen into the storyline in such a way that she feels not just essential to the plot, but also to some of the other characters' development. And to top it off, this girl gets one heck of a character arc. For this post, I'll focus on just one aspect of her journey: her gradual movement from loneliness to connection.]

At the beginning of season 1, Imogen is one of the few girls who hangs out regularly in front of the boys' school. On the surface this could look like a typical way to attract a boyfriend within a known and relatively safe group. But, unusually, she's never seen interacting with anyone else in any meaningful way, the first clue that this group might be all she has. The other boys in the group seem to engage her minimally, and only mention her in terms of her attractiveness and as a potential match for Nick. Compared with their indifference, Imogen can clearly see that Nick is a good choice--attractiveness and rugby king status aside, he's a kind and attentive part of their friend group, and she's known him a long time, even if only superficially. Cue an awkwardly aggressive pursuit that includes:

A lack of respect for Nick's privacy;

Nonconsensual touch;

Inviting herself into his life in public where it's hard for him to say no, then broadcasting an inaccurate relationship status to their friends;

And petty, self-protecting revenge for perceived rejection.

None of these behaviors are particularly pleasing to watch happen, especially when we know everything Nick is struggling with internally, but they are very typical of someone who desperately wants connection but doesn't know how to achieve it in a non-superficial way. Imogen is genuinely fond of Nick, and even amid all of the obnoxious but socially acceptable ways she tries to hold his attention you can see glimpses of that fondness and care (letting him off the hook when he clearly doesn't want to say he likes her back at the dance comes to mind). The fact that she still pursues him the way she does doesn't make Imogen a bad person; it shows us she’s a lonely person, particularly vulnerable to the currents of peer pressure and expected societal norms, long before she admits in season 2 that she doesn’t actually have that many friends.

And then, we get the hugely important conversation in the park with Nick (and Nellie, the emotional support dog we all need). It must be said that Nick is choosing to share a really complex part of himself with Imogen here; he could easily have left it at “I don’t like you like that.” But instead, he takes this moment when Imogen isn’t distracted by posturing or fitting in or flirting to tell her what’s really going on in his mind. On some level, he trusts her with this truth—not the whole truth, obviously, but a big part of it—which tells us he recognizes that beneath her façade Imogen is a caring, trustworthy, and kind person. Naturally most of the focus in this scene is on Nick, but this talk also marks the beginning of Imogen's journey toward authenticity. It starts with the realization that she feels at least some of the same things Nick is feeling about being afraid to change and not fitting in, followed by a shift in her perspective on Nick himself.

Once Nick is no longer a romantic prospect, there's room for her to consider him as a whole person and a true friend, not just someone she "hangs out with every morning." She can begin to see and value the things about him that are intrinsic parts of his nature, rather than the outward trappings of just a datable boy. Imogen can let down her guard with him because he let his down with her first. She can give more of her true self to this friendship because Nick has no expectations of her beyond that she be kind and be herself. There are no popularity points to earn, no hoops to jump through, no fear of rejection. So now, she protects him from the scorn he might have received from their friend group by saying the decision not to date was hers. She begins respecting his personal space. She cares for and observes him on a deep enough level to understand at least a bit of what is happening when Nick takes Charlie off the field at sports day. She’s learning what it is to both be and have a real, authentic friend, maybe for the first time. This helps her to view other people in her life through this more discerning and nuanced lens as well.

Clearly Nick has grown to appreciate Imogen's friendship on a deeper level too, since she's the first person from his old friend group he really wants to come out to and tell about Charlie, so much so that he and Charlie make a fairly elaborate plan to create a safe space for him to do so. The sleepover at Charlie's house is another quiet watershed moment for Imogen, because Charlie's friend group welcomes her so unreservedly. They might be a little surprised to see Imogen there, Tara and Darcy may have not had the most positive feelings toward her before, and the rest of them might have some lingering reserve based on her attachment to the Harry cadre, but... They put all of that aside and draw her in with warmth and enthusiasm, partly because that is just the kind of lovely people they are, partly because Charlie and Nick are implicitly vouching for Imogen, and partly because when Imogen lets her guard down, when she's not trying to impress or flirt or maintain a certain image, she's quite lovely and fun herself.

Nick has been making a parallel journey toward connection and true friendship, but in a slightly different way. While Nick actively seeks points of connection by using his emotional intelligence and intuition, Imogen journeys into deeper friendships by enjoying the genuine kindness of the people in Charlie's friend group enough to be herself around them. She realizes that there are people who do like her just the way she is--a novel experience for her.

Of course, this is a gradual evolution for Imogen, so it doesn't all change overnight. She still spends the bulk of her time with her old friend group, who often leave her alone, and her ever-present desire to be liked and loved draws her into a relationship with Ben, who uses her in the worst way.

When she begins to suspect that Ben cares less for her than he should, that perhaps he’s even using her to get at Nick and Charlie, she starts to pull away. She recognizes that her true wants and needs are speaking more loudly than the old desire to have a boyfriend or to be part of the more popular group. She’s listening to herself, finally.

She starts spending more time with Charlie’s friend group, with people who appreciate her sunshine personality, her quirks, her big smile, who listen to her problems and give her honest advice. People whose company she enjoys on a complex level.

Once she has people in her life who accept her the way she is, Imogen can finally begin to accept herself, see herself, and value herself. Which leads us to this truly phenomenal moment, Imogen’s catharsis, her break for freedom from not only Ben's manipulations and toxicity, but the suffocating pressure of being someone she's not.

This must have been simultaneously liberating and terrifying for Imogen, but now, when she has to be brave, she has true friends to bolster and support her. She's not alone anymore.

And then, then, we get Imogen's final layer peeled away, the moment when she looks deeply enough into her true self to see this:

Imogen's self-realization is so powerful and, I think, just beginning. We are ready for season 3 Imogen.

[hotdaemondtargaryen]

OLIVIA COOKE PHOTOGRAPHED BY EVELYN FREJA FOR LA TIMES.

RYAN CONDAL TALKING ABOUT ALICENT HIGHTOWER'S CHARACTER ARC IN S2.

Condal describes Alicent’s journey this season as “an ongoing expansion of the character,” although he admits the episodes “really put Alicent through her paces.”

That was something Cooke felt deeply.

OLIVIA COOKE TALKING ABOUT ALICENT HIGHTOWER IN S2.

“In this season, she’s so adrift,” Cooke says, joking that there are only so many miserable faces she can make.

“She’s losing her power. With Rhaenyra and Alicent, it’s like a butterfly effect, so as Rhaenyra is gaining power, the hourglass is turned over and the power is waning from Alicent, and her influence is waning as well. There’s an imaginary rope between [the two characters] that carries them throughout seasons.”

Cooke says Alicent “gets a massive dose of the reality” when her “psycho sons” take control of the realm.

On a more positive note, Alicent has the opportunity to explore her sexuality this season, coupling up with a character who will, for now, remain unnamed (let’s just say he matches her freak).

It’s a rare expression of freedom for a woman who has lacked agency, which Condal says has “greatly affected who her character is.”

“That was really important because you’ve not seen Alicent experience that in her adult life, and all of a sudden, she has all these teenage, passionate feelings toward someone,” Cooke says.

“I think that makes her feel insane.”

ABOUT FILMING 'HOUSE OF THE DRAGON' S2.

After seven months of production, which wrapped in September, Cooke was “absolutely knackered” — a polite British way of saying the experience had completely depleted her.

“Last season, Emma and I were only in four episodes each, so we’d walk in and be full of beans when everyone else was at death’s door. Then I think we both really felt the enormity of the schedule. And it’s so emotional.”

“Both of us are just either sobbing or screaming all the time. I don’t know if I smile in Season 2.”

Despite the exhaustion, Cooke loves playing Alicent.

She’s a character of “so many subterranean levels of repression and anger and despair and passion,” which is a huge gift.

Has compassion and empathy for her, and she understands why Alicent does manipulative, devious things.

“She’s smarter than all the men as well and she could rule and she’d be really f— good at it.”

“It’s so frustrating that she can’t believe she would be this amazing ruler because she’s so indoctrinated by the patriarchy and by her father.”

“She’s been molded to talk sweetly into the ears of these powerful men, and it’s such a disservice to who she is and what she’s capable of.”

ABOUT HER PERSONAL LIFE.

Before Season 1 premiered, Cooke was worried that her personal life might become too public for comfort.

“I just didn’t want my life to change. It’s such a big TV show, and I hadn’t ever done anything to this scale before. Or if I had, it was a film that comes out and then goes away and doesn’t live in the culture for years and years and years.”

So far, Cooke’s fears have gone mostly unfounded. She’s recognized, sure, but not in a way that disrupts her daily life.

And when it does, fans are generally nice about it, like recently when she was on the London Underground going home and a group of drunken girls started shouting “Alicent” in her direction.

“It’s actually been all right. I think you notice an uptick as the show is about to come out because they’re promoting it more.”

ABOUT ACTING.

She calls herself a “catastrophizer” and admits she can be hard on herself when reflecting on a performance.

ABOUT THEIR UPCOMING PROJECTS.

She wants to “embark on more of the unknown,” something the actor is aiming to do with her production company Chippy Tea, which she formed two years ago.

Her first production, a romance film called “Takes One to Know One,” will shoot in Rome early next year and stars Jamie Bell alongside Cooke.

She also wants to try her hand at directing.

“When I’m on set, I’m always figuring out how things work and almost shadowing the director.”

“I find acting a lot of the time to be so insular. You can get in your own way. I like the collaborative process of making something from the ground up, and I want to do more of that.”

“It’s also taking control of my own destiny a little bit more.”

ABOUT ALICENT HIGHTOWER FOR 'HOUSE OF THE DRAGON' SEASON 3.

As for Alicent, well, she may not be so lucky. But, she wants to play her for as long as possible.

“I really want her to just go off and be in the forest with some chickens,” she says, jokingly.

“But really, there’s some good stuff for her for Season 3, if we get it. Really exciting stuff.”

[mhsdatgo]

Here's a thought experiment I'd like to share with my fellow Green Beans. Can you (or any of your mutuals and followers) come up with a suitable punishment for Lucerys after he permanently mutilated/disabled Aemond? I'm curious to see just how many viable options Viserys could've chosen that didn't result in further maiming or death. Let's get creative!

Hello anon! ^_^

Omg I like this one. @thesunfyre4446 @redrosesandcharmingsouls I might need to summon you for this one. 😭

So, I've seen a lot of people discuss various punishments for him and some were really really gory, like I've seen people froth at the mouth for his actual death and/or the possibility of maiming him as well.

This is actually more complicated than some would think. There is a lot to unpack here, the most important thing is that both of them were children. I blame everyone and no one in particular (except the twins. No one touches my twins). Luke did what he thought was best to defend his brother, Aemond did what he thought was best to defend himself from a group of kids that were jumping him 4vs1.

Now, for the punishment part. I think that you're fucked in the head if you want to maim a 5-6yo no matter what he did, but to me the worst thing about this whole thing in the case of Luke, is the way he didn't even feel remorse. The damage is done, now he needs to realise the extent of that damage.

Passing a few months with him, maybe as his squire or simply as Alicent's ward (although I don't doubt that my girl would be dreaming of making a necklace out of his eyeball on a nightly basis) simply helping Aemond or watching him as he forcefully gets used to something he's done, would be enough.

As long as he expresses remorse, as long as both kids come to an agreement or even apologize to each other (we're going to go to some kind of utopia here but still) all he has to do is learn how something as easy as lashing out changed the trajectory of someone's life forever. At least that wouldn't make him giggle mockingly to him ten years later.

[blueberrypancakesworld]

Jane - Keeping you safe

Jane x fem!vampire reader

warning : hurt/comfort, angst, crying, emotional

Summary : Jane from the Volturi Guard was one of the most notorious weapons of the powerful vampire clan. Proves useless in the fight against the Cullen. An incident that hits the blonde vampire hard to her own surprise. It hits her so hard that for centuries she felt again what she never wanted to feel again. Pain. A pain that only her love could somehow make up for, right?

masterlist

Info : There just need to be more for Jane especially on the f/f side so here I have made this angsty, comfort One-Shot because I could not get the Idea out of my head. Have fun reading because I had fun writing it ;)

Ps : I really don't like the beginning but I tried to write it new for like five times but hey here is the final version hope you like it. Also I hope she is not too out of character

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone knew Jane Volturi. Vampires knew of her special gift, perhaps even knew the pain she could inflict. It had been that way for hundreds of years, hundreds of years of causing pain to vampires and werewolves and humans.

Pain over pain, she had long forgotten her own pain, how the flames surrounded her and the redeeming bite. But all that was in the past and the blonde vampire had since she was with the Volturis finally found a task.

To serve them as a guard and enforcer her ability was one of the most important among the Volturi. She was the guard her master Aro called to bring an enemy to the ground.

But in all that time, in all that time, she had gained something else. Love. Found in another guard who came along and could anticipate the attacks of others.

But in Jane's eyes it was the nefariousness, the devotion in the execution and how she could avoid the pain. She was everything to the blonde and to her heart Jane was everything.

They were a duo they had powers that just seemed unstoppable. The two vampiresses were buddies. Jane herself had turned the two needed each other in an infinite life.

An infinite life in which they had each other. At least this was true up to the point when the Volturi found themselves in a fight with the Cullens who would not give up a wanted vampire.

Jane, Alec, Y/n and Felix would have won against all of them, killing the small group that consisted of Emmet, Esme, and Alice. If Bella had not joined them, they could have won.

She shielded the abilities of Alec and Jane, a fact that put the Volturi at a disadvantage. ,,It's not working," Jane muttered, her eyes wandering over the group, but none of them gave in, none of them turned in pain.

,,Different then," Felix replied and started to rush at the others while Alec followed and Jane was behind them after a short moment of thinking. ,,You will hand him to us," they heard Alec say, trying to get the law passed.

But while Bella kept the shield up, Y/n also used her powers on the others. They all dodged the attacks of the Cullens and did more than well, but it was especially Jane who was not up to the task.

The blonde, despite the support of her friend, let herself be hit more and more. Felix fought with Emmet and got along more than well against the younger.

There was no stronger and better fighter than the guard of the volturi. Alec took on Esme and there too the volturi seemed to take over. The vampire was agile but Alec was faster. The advantages of the blood drinker were clear.

Faster, stronger and more agile. Bella fought her against part Y/n the two opposites. One the shield and the other the anticipation of attacks. Two powerful talents that helped the group in their own way.

Only Jane and Alice seemed to be in a completely unbalanced relationship. The blonde of the two only dodged and still seemed to be hit very hard by the fact that she was no help. That her strength was no help when it mattered.

That she was of no use to the Volturi. That the fight itself was almost abnormal for her. She had relied on her powers for so long that the sheer act of fighting seemed almost abnormal.

Her movements were too uncertain, too slow, and fear appeared in her red eyes from time to time. Especially when Alice seemed to realize what the blonde had, she seemed sure of her victory.

Y/n felt the painful tingles go through her body as Jane was hit over and over again. And even though she cared about Bella, she knew it was only a matter of time here.

She saw the uncertainty rise in the young vampire's eyes as she dodged her attacks over and over again. Bella couldn't get her hands on her and had to take it herself. This has to end, she thought as she looked around.

She saw how the Cullens were backing away more and more, unable to fight the Volturi. All but one. ,,Stop it! Or I'll rip her head off!" Alice suddenly shouted and the vampires stopped moving.

Some of them, especially the Cullens, were relieved and the Volturi were tense. ,,Let's leave with him and nothing will happen to her," Esme said and Alec gave her a warning look, the red of his eyes meeting her golden ones.

Jane's heart looked at her other peers and saw the anger in Felix's eyes, who knew that for the first time they could not finish a task. ,,Go...now" said Y/n and let go of Bella in one swift movement hasttee to Jane who was let go by Alice and supported her. In the blink of an eye, the Cullens were gone and the Volturi were left behind.

Left behind was the group, the guard of vampire herders who had failed their task. ,,Are you all right?" asked her firm friend, still holding her. She was afraid that her buddy had more serious injuries than the ones that were visible.

But Felix didn't seem pleased at all, with a last disparaging look he disappeared and Alec seemed to give his sisters a quietly comforting look. ,,I'm fine," Jane hissed angrily and pushed her friend away harder than she ever had.

Before she even began to walk away from the square back to Volterra fully aware of her failure. ,,Let me help you," she muttered before heading off to Volterra herself. She knew that Jane had never had a defeat, that the pain she herself had suffered was one of the reasons for her refusal.

But the worst was yet to come. The disappointment and the warning of Aro that he gave them. The disappointment about their failure to catch the traitor, that they could not enforce the law. The warning that he would not tolerate another failure.

But all the while, Y/n saw Jane looking down, her hand wrapped around her arm, squeezing tighter and tighter. She was inflicting pain on herself, the feeling she hated the most.

Which was overcome by the love for her heart. But with the departure of the main hall, the guards retreated. But it was only a few moments later when she heard crashing and loud noises from the room of her love.

Sounds that made her feel uneasy, knowing that Jane had her emotions under control. Just tell me what's on your mind Jane she said worriedly as she walked out of her own room.

The young vampire went to Jane's room, knocked on the door and entered. But as soon as she entered, she dodged several pieces of destroyed furniture that Jane threw around in a fit of rage.

She had never seen her love so upset. She had always kept herself under control, she knew Jane and yet it hurt to see her so upset. The robe she liked to wear lay torn scattered around the room and the dark blouse and the dark red dress on her body was.

Clothes that her heart knew when they were together enjoyed infinity. ,,Jane?" she asked cautiously and saw the older woman stop in her movement.

The dresser she held in her hands fell to the floor with a crash as the blonde leaned almost helplessly against the stone wall and slid down it. The power seemed to leave her, which was actually not possible. ,,Go away," she said under her breath, hiding her face in her hands.

It reminded her of a child who didn't know what to do, who had never learned to deal with failure. ,,I know it's hard" she started and slowly walked towards Jane but the blonde only shook her head, ,,No you don't".

While Jane seemed to make herself even smaller as Y/n approached her and slowly crouched in front of her. Her cold hands slid to Jane's and took them from her face.

To her pain and horror she saw bloody tears running down Jane's cheeks. The pale blue skin only seemed to have a greater contrast and she seemed even more dead.

She offered her immortal existence. ,,I-I should have done something," she murmured slowly, revealing her pain and making herself vulnerable. Something she would never do, she had always been afraid to show emotions and when she did it was joy when she could inflict pain on others.

But now everything seemed different. ,,I...was useless, I did nothing. My power was...was worth nothing" she mumbled and more bloody tears ran down her cheeks as she was slowly embraced by her love.

She told her that everything would be fine. She tried to take away her pain. ,,You are worth all infinity to me Jane, I am here for you" she said and pulled her closer.

She tried to take away her pain and knew that Aro's words had hit the blonde hard. ,,But for him...for Aro-I let him down," it came slowly over her lips as the blonde slowly calmed down. The love she felt, the support, the unbreakable bond between them gave her what she needed.

Slowly she took Jane's face in her hands and wiped away her tears. Kissed the bloody spots and took it upon herself to organize blood for their love as soon as possible. Stroked her cheek lovingly something that seemed almost surreal between the two immortal beings.

In the building where you would least expect love. ,,You did not disappoint him. It's Bella we have to take out and then you're everything to him...I won't leave you Jane I'll support you I'll protect you through anything as long as you never have to feel pain again" she murmured showing her the plan the only way the Voolturi could continue to exercise the right.

She saw how the red eyes of the blonde slowly closed again the emotions had come back under control.

The superiority returned to her gaze and she slowly stood up. The hand of her beloved enclosed and she was again the Jane she knew.

But she would love all of Jane's sides as Jane loved everything about her. ,,Call the others, we're going on a hunt" she ordered before getting a new coat and her heart went out to the other guards.

A mission led by Jane, knowing that if it failed again, loss and death awaited the Volturi. But this risk they took.

The entire guard, except for a few who remained in Volterra to protect the three, set out. Jane was in the lead and her lover at her side. It was a battle of forceful power, a battle that Alice did not see coming, because that love between Jane and Y/n did not seem to enter into her gift.

It was an attack with success at the end of which the Cullen Clun was wiped out. At the end of which Jane was again the strongest weapon of the Volturi. She got back the respect of Aro.

The love between her and her heart never seemed so strong. In the end Jane was protected by Y/n. They finally had infinity again without fear and worry. They were finally everything again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@redama , @holden2424 , @buckysjuicyplums , @volturisuperiority

[sliceofdyke]

what r ur favorite wlw movies u would recommend (and also possibly where i could watch them for free)

also unrelated but i was trying to remember the url u had right before this one and i can’t 😭 i’m terrible at remembering stuff like that. but i feel like u always have urls that are so You, like i remember i came back after a hiatus once and u sent me an ask like “oh im maddie btw this is my new url!” but i could already Tell lol bc it’s always aggressively aquatic and/or sapphic. queen of urls fr 🔥🔥

HI STARRY!!! resident dyke at your service 🫡 pleased to share some of my favs! linked is each movie's letterboxd, and ill also share where i watched them! (i recommend watching on a computer with some sort of adblocker extension like ublock origin.)

saving face (2004) dir. alice wu - MUST WATCH for all the gaysians out there! it's about a closeted chinese-american lesbian and her traditionalist mother, and centers on their relationship as well as both women's individual struggles in love and life. it's primarily a comedy but it has its serious moments, and i absolutely loved every second. racial and cultural familial expectations are an element present throughout this movie, and that's one of the reasons i like it so much. but i think it's presented in a way so that people who aren't chinese can understand! also, the relationship between the mc and her love interest is so engaging, and it really captures the struggle of many queer relationships where one person is more "out" than the other. the first site i found that has this movie in good quality was 0123movie.net!

next up is the incredibly true adventure of two girls in love (1995) dir. maria maggenti!! this movie was so good i audibly yelled at one point. although it's a lesser-known indie movie with a low budget, it has a raw honesty and heart to it that modern queer cinema often lacks (cough cough euphoria cough cough love simon). i was absolutely sold on the two mcs' chemistry and the progression of their relationship, and i loved how their blossoming first love was portrayed so authentically complete with all the rough edges and awkward glances. randy and evie were so endearingly dorky and cute, and i related to them SO bad. the heartfelt depiction of a multiracial sapphic teen love story really made me burst with joy. also a note to anyone who watches: trigger warning for pedophilia, lesbophobia & the d slur, verbal abuse, and threats of physical abuse. i can elaborate on these if anyone wants! btw a lot of more popular p1rating sites don't have this movie, but one that does is braflix.ru!

we all know her. we all love her. it's bottoms (2023) dir. emma seligman!! truly one of the best satirical works of our generation /srs. it's about two lesbians who end up starting an after-school fight club to lose their virginity before the end of senior year, and the shenanigans that ensue. bottoms does not take itself seriously at all, and lots of things make no sense plot-wise, but that is exactly what enables it to be so hilarious and silly. class periods are less than five minutes long, there are curse words in the school announcements, murders occur that are never addressed. and it's so FUN!!! a super good movie to watch with a group of friends that are as gay as you are. trigger warning for blood (lots of it) and comedic use of homophobic slurs. you can watch it on most p1rating sites but one that i've seen has it is myflixerz.to!

fourth, the half of it (2020) dir. alice wu! another masterpiece by miss wu, this time about a nerdy introverted high school girl who gets roped into ghostwriting love letters from a cheerful jock to the hot girl he has a crush on, and she ends up falling for the crush as well as they become friends. i watched it a couple years ago and rewatched it last year, and i loved it both times! i really appreciate how it's a story about friendship above all else and shows how platonic love can be just as important (if not more) than romantic love. and from what i remember, the filmography is also really good. this one is also available on myflixerz.to!

last but not least is kase-san and morning glories (2018) dir. takuya sato! anime movie about the budding romance between a shy gardening enthusiast and the charismatic ace of the girls' track team. this is a perfect movie if you want to watch something very low-stakes and laid-back! you can watch it on allmanga.to (this site has no ads on mobile which is so nice). i watched the subbed version but there is a dub as well. this movie is based off the manga of the same name, which finished in 2017, but there is also a currently ongoing sequel series about the couple's post-high school lives! if you're interested in reading that after watching the movie, feel free to reach out and i'll send you the website i read it on.

some other sapphic movies i've been meaning to watch but haven't gotten around to yet are: but i'm a cheerleader, the watermelon woman, portrait of a lady on fire, the handmaiden, and desert hearts!

hope this helps :)))

[sokkastyles]

On some level, I can understand where Azula stans are coming from, and I mainly blame the recent shows and movies that have been released. For a long time villains have just been evil with no remorse as presented in media, but recently we have seen movies that are like "hey actually this guy isn't that bad and they are a prodict of their surroundings and its not their fault they are evil" like the movie malefecent or alice into the looking glass. Not to mention, redemption arcs are super popular like Loki, kylo Ren, catra, and the diamonds from Steven Universe. I specifically named these character because i feel like they have done so much bad that it will take a lot more than just a sorry and a tragic backstory to make up for all the bad they did. Maybe Loki is okay, but he did some really terrible things, and i am on the fence about him. Not to mention the joker sympathy that has been rampant for a while because of the movie blaming society, and that is someone completely irredeemable except for the Harley Quinn show, apparently, but that is a comedy.

What im trying to say though is that there doesnt seem to be just straight up villains now and consatnt blaming of outside forces for a the bad villains do saying it's not there fault because they only blew up a children's hospital because they were hurting, not to mention medias constant depiction of toxic relationships and friendships that keep getting talked about like they are completely normal. I know some Azula stans are just kike that but some i fell are misinformed and seem to surround themselves with so many like minded individuals that they truly believe what they think is true and are hard pressed to change their opinion. (Also, pretty privilege exists)

Well, redemption arcs and villains with complex stories are hardly new. I haven't seen the most recent MCU stuff but has Loki been redeemed? In the comics, and in Norse mythology, he has always been something of an antihero, a character who would be good or bad depending on the occasion. I grew up on comic books and those kinds of characters frequently occur there. Magneto is another example of a character who would sometimes side with the good guys but also inevitably go back to being a villain. They're complicated characters with sympathetic pasts, but their pasts don't excuse their actions. And there's an important distinction there that I think is lost on a lot of people. Another example that comes to mind is Billy from Stranger Things, who I often see idolized on tumblr as if he had become a hero by the end of the story, or should have, just because he had a sad background and then sacrificed himself for the heroes. His death, and life, were tragic, and we understand by the end why he was the way he was, but he was still an awful, unpleasant person, and the show never suggests that we should see him as good now, nor should it.

A lot of the examples you mention with female villains I blame on the rise of liberal "girlboss" feminism. That goes with what you say about pretty privilege. Pop culture "feminism" wants to convince you that being pretty is empowering, the weaponized femininity thing, eyeliner so sharp you can kill a man, etc. When in reality, we're still catering to patriarchal ideas of desirability. And what's especially insidious about this kind of feminism is that it's often other women or other marginalized groups who are the targets of it. Pop culture puts this stuff out to pander to women by presenting a "feminist" ideal that is still non-threatening to the status quo. The idea that Azula or Harley Quinn, who in her first appearance in BTAS was a character who became a villain due to being manipulated and abused by a man, are empowering female characters is bananas. That's not to say they are bad female characters, and Harley is another comic book character who has always been likeable for her propensity to gleefully straddle the line between hero and villain, but I despise the girlbossification of these kinds of characters the same way I despise people making them into poor widdle innocent victims.

The heroization of the joker comes from red pill weirdos primarily, and those have also existed for a long time. See Fight Club for another example, but anyone with a brain knows that Tyler Durden is the bad guy, and that the stuff he's spewing about being woke and masculine is all just nonsense in the end. So I don't necessarily buy that it's all media's fault that people don't understand the point of these characters.

And there are absolutely still just "straight up villains." The obvious answer just by looking at ATLA is Ozai, but even then, the show still does a lot to tell us why he is the way he is, and implies he was once a victim of his family not unlike Zuko or Azula. People often ignore that, especially Azula stans who make such a distinction between Ozai and Azula in order to prove that Azula deserves redemption. I'm not saying that Azula and Ozai are the same in terms of how much sympathy the narrative gives them, by the way, just that I think it's odd that one is seen as so much more redeemable than the other, when their backstories are so similar. Ozai often gets labeled as one dimensional not because he is less complex than Azula, but because people don't want to see him redeemed and are uncomfortable with the idea, so they want to see him as less complex and more villainous. Which to me misses the point of the fire family dynamic and how the cycle of violence was perpetuated in that family.

[crystal-lillies]

alice takes a peek down the rabbit hole; or, what happens when I accidentally find a grifter-type news article on a subject I love

the ugly snort I made when I stumbled across a headline proclaiming that U.S. Comic Books are failing because of "wokeness" but Manga is thriving instead...

no joke, I felt like H.Bomberguy setting up a bit before a 4-hour long video essay as I found this article on my "new tab screen."

and I had to read it because my first thought, of course, was, "My dude," (the author is a man) "where the fuck have you been? Manga has ALWAYS been much more left and progressive than most mainstream U.S. comic books! You shot yourself in the foot right there!"

But, of course, I wanted to see if that point got addressed, and what else this article had to say, despite knowing that it was not meant for my eyes. The first mistake was that it claimed that manga was imported "non-woke" material within the first two paragraphs, while then much later acknowledging that what "might be called wokeness" exists in manga, particularly in LGBT relationships, even citing the outcry when the Sailor Moon dub censored the ships baked into the text of the story.

Yet...the issue is that U.S. comic books that have been behind in the representation department on many intersectional departments are now working to introduce more of these elements, such as Riri Williams taking over for Tony Stark as Ironheart when Iron Man is no longer around, or that Luke Fox exists in the Batfamily...with all of the other Batfamily around...or that Carol Danvers isn't as much of a fucking sexy fantasy doll than she was made out to be before.

Put a pin in that.

Another point brought up is how at "one time," comic book shops catered to a specific, niche group of people (a mostly male-dominated, juvenile-seeming group) and certain fandoms' toxic behavior soured the image in the public's eye...but NOW the stigma has LONG been GONE! ...I'd need a citation for that, my dude. (there wasn't one)

despite how many people go to Comic Cons around the world, being a comic book geek is still an oft-ridiculed and niche thing (as is the same for manga and anime, but it's a lot easier to find manga in my local Target than most superhero comics). and while some kind comic book shops do go out of their way cater to everyone, as someone who is Not Male and Not Always "Stereotypically Geek"-Presenting, I've had my fair share of judgement for my presence in those spaces.

Now coming back to the pin...making U.S. comic books and superhero stories more aligned with a wider, more diverse, "woke" audience, just like the massively successful imported (supposedly "non-woke") manga have been doing for many years...that's the real problem as to why comic sales are seemingly doing badly, according to you, sir? Not anything to do with the fact that translated manga is at a better price point for the value page-count and quality-wise, which you cited, or the fact it is more widely available to general intersectional audiences, which you ALSO cited?

The cognitive dissonance gymnastics is really something to behold. Sometimes, you really have to see it for yourself, and wonder how these writers are missing the point they're unintentionally making.

But, of course, I'm far from the intended audience that already agrees with the blind defensive ragebait.

and I do feel like H.Bomberguy now after having brought my head out of the rabbit hole.

if I wasn't so averse and terrified of putting more of myself out on the internet...I could see how easy it would be to go insane and make a 4-hour long video essay.

[siriusly-sapphic]

My Fic Masterlist (Narcissa, sapphic, rarepair)

I'm pinning this to my profile and updating it as I post more.

These are most of the fics I've ever posted, sorted by whether or not they include Narcissa.

The WIPs include more information, but for the one-shots I'm just telling you the ship, rating, and important warnings so read the tags before reading please.

These are mainly Narcissa centered, sapphic ships, and rarepairs in general.

Sorted by: Narcissa (sapphic and f/m), other rarepairs, sirius/narcissa, cissamione, and misc stories (popular and gen)

(But also, since @womenofthehouseofblack did encourage self promotion... These are not all house of black, but there are 70+ Narcissa fics on here and they're even sorted by here lmao)

Excellence - Narcissa/Dorcas - Mature - 5/? chapters

Summary: Dorcas Meadowes and Narcissa Black at the start of their fifth year at Hogwarts. Two Slytherin girls with bright, promising futures ahead of them, trying to find their place in a world where nothing less than pure excellence is expected of them. They don't like each other, never have, and when everything around them is surely changing, that's something familiar to hold onto, at least. For the time being. This is gonna focus a lot on Slytherin house and pureblood culture, growing up queer in pureblood society, and eventually pass through the first war and change its outcome!

such were the joys - Minerva/OFC, Minerva/Poppy - Mature - 6/? chapters

Summary: It's the start of Minerva Mcgonagall and Adrastia Greengrass' sixth year at Hogwarts. Their friend group is mismatched and headed every which way in life, but for now they feel secure in their mutual understanding that whatever happens -- romance, family, disaster -- they have no plans to leave each other's side. The future might be uncertain, but it's most certainly bright, of that they are sure. These are going to be short chapters (500-1K per chapter) from the perspective of whichever character makes sense at the moment, mainly Minerva and Adrastia themselves.

Mine to Lose - Alphard/Rodolphus - Explicit - 3/5 chapters

Summary: "So much for summer love and saying 'us', 'cause you weren't mine to lose..." This focuses on Rodolphus and Alphard's relationship, starting with Alphard's funeral. Also background focus to Narcissa & Rodolphus and her relationship with Rabastan and Lucius.

I Bet My Life - Regulus & Narcissa & Dorcas, Dorcas/Narcissa - Mature - 3 Chapters - Regulus makes it out of the cave with help of Dorcas

Tarot and Face Masks - Parvati/Lavender - General - 2 Chapters - Post war fluff, healing. I might at one point throw another chapter in it, but it's completed as a fluffy standalone fic that doesn't need more story.

No Love Lost - Alecto/Narcissa - Explicit - Pwp

Mint Chocolate - Alice/Narcissa - General - Ice cream 'date'

Meet Me Under the Mistletoe - Dorcas/Narcissa - Teen - Kiss

Heating Charms - Dorcas/Narcissa - Teen - Fluff

Almost Worth It - Dorcas/Narcissa - Teen - THG AU

Nothing Less - Dorcas/Narcissa - Teen - Secret Relationship

Can't Have This - Lily/Narcissa - Mature - Angsty sex

Luxury - Lily/Narcissa - Explicit - Bath sex

Two Left Feet - Lily/Narcissa - Teen - Muggle AU

No Regrets - Marlene/Narcissa - General - Disowned Narcissa

Queen of Knightsbridge - Marlene/Narcissa - Teen - Karaoke kiss

All The Time in the World - Mrs Zabini/Narcissa - Explicit - Murder

Tragedy - Mrs Zabini/Narcissa - Teen - Flirting at a funeral

Phenomenally Unnerving - Pandora/Narcissa - Teen - Kiss

Could be Heaven - Pansy/Narcissa - Explicit - Shower sex

Thank Me - Pansy/Narcissa - Explicit - Pwp

Sweet Victory - Cho/Ginny - Teen - Post Quidditch Kiss

Taking Flight - Cho/Luna - Teen - Grief, getting back to flying

The Edge of a Knife - Daphne/Pansy - Explicit - Knife play

It's Not Easy - Hermione/Pansy - Teen - Getting back together

Liquid Luck - Lavender/Parvati - Explicit - Tribbing, Felix Felicis

We'll be Happy - Lavender/Parvati - Teen - Major Character Death

Could I? - Luna/Parvati - Teen - Post War Healing

Promise of Forever - Luna/Parvati - Teen - Post War Grief/Healing

Not Worried - Luna/Parvati - Teen - Post War Healing

Proud of You - Luna/Millicent - Teen - Butch/femme

Drown Out the War - Mary/Lily - Teen - Skinny dipping

Favourite Things - Lucius/Narcissa - Explicit - Tipsy smut

My Valentine - Lucius/Narcissa - Teen - Valentine Memories

Thank You - Lucius/Narcissa - General - Fluff

The Crown You Gave Me - Lucius/Narcissa - Teen - Divorce

We're Alright - Lucius/Narcissa - General - Kiss in the rain

A Great Love Story - Rabastan/Narcissa - Teen - First date/kiss

Crestfallen - Rabastan/Narcissa - General - Rejected Proposal

Memories That We Made - Rabastan/Narcissa - Explicit - Angsty sex

No Comment - Rabastan/Narcissa - Teen - Prank

Our Broken Hearts - Rabastan/Narcissa - Teen - Muggle AU

Useless and Disappointing - Rabastan/Narcissa - Teen - Breakup

Belonging - Remus/Narcissa - Teen - Disowned Narcissa

Fallen Stars - Remus/Narcissa - Teen - Slytherin Remus

He Loves Her - Remus/Narcissa - General - Post war, hurt/comfort

His Luck - Remus/Narcissa - Teen - Muggle AU

He Wants Us Both - Remus/Narcissa/Sirius - Explicit - threesome

Damned Be the World - Alphard/Rodolphus - Explicit - Pwp

Luckiest Witch - Sirius/Marlene - General - Soulmate AU

Over My Dead Body - Sirius/Marlene - Teen - MCD

Never Be - Rodolphus/Antonin - Explicit - Angsty smut

Lockdown Husband - Rodolphus/Augustus - Teen - lockdown au

Can We Pretend - Rodolphus/Augustus - Teen - 2nd War Angst

It's Personal - Rodolphus/Kingsley - Teen - Angst

Bad Ideas - Explicit - Accidental arousal, first war era

Blood in the Water - Explicit - Cleaning wounds - Blood, Injury

Death of Me - Teen - Flashbacks - Major Character Death

Ecstacy and Darkness Drips - Explicit - Self Harm and Blood

Ends Like This - General - First War, break-up - No Warnings

Favourite Method of Self-Destruction - Explicit - Pwp - No Warnings

Feel Like Paradise - Explicit - Gala quickie - No Warnings

Hers - Teen - Argument and a kiss - No Warnings

In Love and War - Teen - Disowned Narcissa - No Warnings

In Your Sick Fantasies - Explicit - Breeding kink - No Warnings

Is That a Problem? - Teen - Cissa's Wedding Day - No Warnings

It's Over - Teen - 1st War, kiss - No Warnings

I've Got You - Teen - Soulmate AU - Transphobia

Never Leave - Teen - Disowned Narcissa - No Warnings

Second Chances - Teen - 2nd war, happy ending - No Warnings

The Cure to Marital Problems - Explicit - First hookup - No Warnings

They'd Make Do - Mature - Disowned Narcissa - No Warnings

Too Beautiful to Save - Explicit - Grief, Dark Magic, Near-Murder

Worst in Me - General - Post War, kiss - No Warnings

You'd Come Back to Me - Explicit - Happy Ending - No Warnings

Good Morning, Darling - General - Domestic fluff

It's Okay - General - Curse, major character death

Jumper - General - Fluffy "wearing my clothes" ficlet

Life is Good - General - Family fluff with Rose

Like a Glove - Teen - Hermione wearing a Black corset

Minister's Wife - General - Reassurance about the relationship

Ministry Galas - General - Attending a gala for the first time

Out of Your Mind - Mature - Narcissa buys a painting, smut

She'd Kissed Her Before - General - Soulmate AU

This is Home. - Teen - Narcissa character study

Wandering Mind - Mature - Smut with autistic!Hermione

When it Rains - General - Fluff/comfort with autistic!Hermione

a lot to live without - Lily & Harry - Teen - Major Character Death

40 Years - James/Lily - Teen - Major Character Death

Just Friends - Luna & Pansy - General - Aro luna and pansy

He Was Seventeen - Narcissa & Regulus - Teen - MCD

What Fools These Mortals Be - Narcissa & Harry - Teen - Memories

You're Not Going Home - Rodolphus & Narcissa - General - Comfort

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 12)

Hi. I didn't post yesterday because I was being irresponsible with my time management and put it off all day and then I fell asleep in the middle of editing. Very fun! I'll just on Monday to make up for it! (Or who knows really. I don't think people are expecting me to be as on top of things with this essay as I was with the Natsume one ;-;)

Last time we talked at length about Mikan's habit of choking when she's trying to tell Natsume something important, as well as the relationship between her alice and Natsume. Today, since the group is finally face to face with Z, we'll see exactly how Mikan's feelings have grown over the course of this arc. We'll also witness a tragedy unfold, and Mikan's reaction to it.

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Chapter Forty

This will be a short chapter analysis because Mikan isn't really doing much now, but you get it.

Mikan comes to in a dungeon, by herself, with only a skeleton for company. She’s separated from her friends, who are all probably in danger as well, and she has no idea how to escape. She imagines Hotaru’s voice scolding her for freaking out and crying. She began this arc with Hotaru’s wishes for her to smile no matter what in mind, and now she’s faced with that wish again. She wishes she could be stronger, like Hotaru, that she can be cool and figure a way out so she can reunite with her friends.

I always loved that skeleton. So cute.

But she’s scared and alone, especially of the skeleton, so she forces herself to laugh instead. She needs to focus.

She’s always haunted by her complex about smiling and crying, especially now. Things may be dire, but she can’t escape easily, even if she stops crying. In fact, the best she can come up with is to attack the prison guard skeleton who isn’t about to set her free. And then she meets her mom.

Chapter Forty-One

Yuka is looking at Mikan, her child, the child of her and her beloved, the only proof that the affair even happened, the dearest person in her life, the person she went through hell to protect. She did what she could to make sure Mikan didn’t have to suffer as she did, but here she is anyway, an Alice Academy student, trapped in the Z dungeon.

Meanwhile, Mikan is also looking at Yuka, recognizing her as one of the Z members, the woman who stole Yuu’s alice, part of the group that shot Hotaru!

Mikan might not be able to do much now, but she knows that she should keep quiet and not reveal any information to this person. So when she’s asked if she has nullification, she refuses to confirm. Instead she confronts Yuka for stealing Yuu’s alice and for shooting her best friend. She tells her that she hates her and all the other Z members, that she’ll never forgive them. 

Black and white. No visible nuance so there must not be any. Yuka didn't shoot anybody but she's responsible for all of Z's actions anyway.

Mikan is quick to make decisions about people, quick to decide whether or not she likes them. People are usually good or bad, and whenever someone she thought was bad reveals not-bad traits, she switches to thinking they’re good. Yuka, in Mikan’s mind, has no redeemable qualities. She steals alices and shoots kids! There’s nothing redeemable about that, especially since it’s so easy to ignore Yuka looking horrified at the fact that the bullet actually hit a child. It’s understandable that Mikan would come to these decisions so quickly in the alice world when everything seems so dire. Natsume attacked her when they first met, so of course she thought he was bad. Yuka hurt her friends, so of course she’s bad too! But the alice world isn’t just more dire, it’s much more complicated. The school forces people to behave in ways they don’t want to. It warps people and corrupts them and makes their actions more nuanced than “good” or “bad.” Mikan will slowly start to learn this, especially in terms of Yuka, but for now. Hatred! No forgiveness!

Yuka hits her own child with her bag, causing its contents to spill out on the floor. Enough childish nonsense, she says, and then reaches out to use her alice. It doesn’t work, thus confirming that she has nullification. It’s that easy. She scares Mikan with some threats about a sadist who had captured all her friends already, kicks her stomach, and then leaves. 

(Yuka and Natsume are so similar, acting entirely contrary to how they want to out of the desire to protect Mikan. They both have no choice but to hurt her when all they really want to do is show her affection. I want so desperately for them to have a conversation.)

Anyway, Mikan is back to being by herself with just the skeleton for company. She seems to have gotten accustomed to it, no longer frightened, but maybe it’s just because her attention is pulled to the vial Yuka kicked under her stomach. Mikan thinks this could be medicine for Hotaru, but that means that Yuka dropping her things and kicking her was all a way of secretly helping her, which is confusing because wasn’t Yuka supposed to be one of the bad guys?

Mikan does think about Yuka, "that woman," the mysterious SA teacher with her alice... She's smart enough to know there's a connection. There's just seldom a good time to linger on those thoughts.

Mikan reveals herself to be clever when it counts, pretending to be wounded from Yuka’s kick so the skeleton would unlock the door. She seizes her moment and runs for it, but she takes the time to apologize to the skeleton, even though she’d been terrified of it only a moment ago, before running off to rejoin her friends. Mikan is a sweet person. She saw that the skeleton had been concerned for her, and it makes her feel bad. Again, she’s a good versus bad type of person. The skeleton showed her kindness, which means it’s good, even if it had been keeping her imprisoned. 

She’s eventually able to find her friends again. She’s been so worried about them and is so relieved to see them again now, that she runs out to join them, even though there’s obviously some kind of hostile situation taking place. She’s distracted and careless, so she’s almost hurt, except that Natsume saves her, pulling her out of the way and shielding her with his alice. 

Forever one of my favorite pages!

He rescued her! And it could almost be a touching moment, except that when he turns around, he doesn’t say he’s relieved she’s okay like Tsubasa or Ruka would. Instead, he’s pissed and instantly berates her for acting without thinking. “Do you want to die, stupid?” which echoes what she had asked him after interrupting his suicide attempt. They have both saved each other with their alices now. The difference is that he had intentionally put himself in harm’s way; her own thoughtlessness is what led to her being in danger. But he keeps going, telling her that they could lose her again with that kind of attitude, and Mikan is shocked. She’d seen his reaction before falling into the pit, seen how frightened he looked for her, and hearing more confirmation that he didn’t want to lose her is surprising. 

AGAIN. Only a little while ago, Natsume told her he didn’t want her around, that he hated everything about her. Now he’s swooping in to save her, telling her he doesn’t want to see her hurt. He was obviously lying about hating her, for whatever reason. The attacks keep coming and Natsume keeps countering them, protecting her, using his alice. In no time at all, he’s injured, with blood on his face, but he looks just as determined as before. 

This is when it really gets through to Mikan. He’s different from the other kids. He acts like an adult, like a soldier. He takes on responsibilities without question and looks at the world in a way the others can’t fathom. He went through some scary stuff to be able to get to this point. “He always stands with a strong back, no matter what,” she realizes. And that strength came from experience; it didn’t suddenly manifest. He had no choice but to become like this. It’s interesting to zero in on her comment about his back, because that’s the part of him she sees the most. He’s always turning away, always distancing himself. He walks away, his back’s what she sees. She tries to connect and he resists, remaining a mystery. But this time, when she sees his back, it’s because he’s shielding her with his body, standing in front of her to protect her. She can see him now. She’s looking at his back, but what she sees now is someone who cares about her and wants to protect her. She sees someone who has never been protected himself. (Mikan’s hair, Natsume’s back, bla bla bla.)

I have a lot of thoughts on this scene that I have trouble putting into words so I couldn't include them... but damn, am I right.

But he commands her to stay behind him, not to leave him, because he will protect her. 

And Mikan is reminded of what she said before, about wanting to protect her friends from alice attacks with her nullification. She had said that when Natsume had asked her what she wanted to do for them. He’d viewed her then as an equal, as someone who could contribute something instead of just a brainless and useless little girl. She had said that, but here he was, protecting her instead. So she stands up, gripping Tono’s alice stone, and tells him not to worry, that she can protect herself. She wants to help him too, to be his strength. “Don’t let yourself be hurt so much anymore,” she says. Natsume might be a hostile jerk, a person who lives a shadowy and mature life she couldn’t imagine, a person who always thinks of the needs of others. But Mikan wants to protect him.

It is worth noting, of course, that Mikan did need to be protected when she first entered the room. She was thoughtless and careless and almost got herself hurt. But now that she is aware of the situation, she can protect herself and her friends instead of holding Natsume back. Remember that Mikan's goal, aside from helping Hotaru and Yuu, is to prove herself: to be stronger, to be capable of sacrifice and protecting others. The thing is that achieving that goal isn't quite so simple, which we'll see later.

Firstly, that she wants to be "strong" enough to protect others and not have to be protected. Secondly, that she sees that Natsume is never protected, thus inspiring her to protect him, that she views him as something fragile. Thirdly, that she wants to make him stronger instead of being a burden on him. This was all her plan after all.

Z takes advantage of their moment of distraction and pretends to attack Ruka. But Mikan, demonstrating yet again her usefulness, is the only one to realize that it’s a hallucination, but she realizes it too late. She’s taken away, which is a problem because her alice was the only thing that could protect the rest of them from Mihara’s medusa alice, which he uses against Tsubasa as soon as Mikan is taken to his side.

Chapter Forty-Two

Tsubasa’s foot is out of commission and Mihara has established himself as a far more competent villain than Reo. Reo was all kinds of terrible: kidnapping kids and planning to either sell them to slavery or enlisting them as child soldiers. But he is thoughtless, which means he can be easily outsmarted. Mihara makes sure Z doesn’t look like a bumbling group of evil airheads. Instead, he’s sadistic, composed, calm, and intelligent. It makes sense that the villains (Mikan's antagonists) should be increasingly cruel and sadistic, from Natsume to Reo to Mihara (or Z as a whole) to Persona and Luna to the ESP. Mikan's storyline and thus the manga's tone goes from a simple school comedy (where Natsume the bully is the prime antagonist) to this point in the story where things turn more tragic and dark (hence Mihara as the antagonist).

Keep in mind that this arc is important in shifting the mood of the manga, particularly in regards to Mikan.

Mihara captures Mikan and then instructs Yuka to steal the kids’ alices. Should be easy since they’re kids, right? Apparently not. Yuka’s alice isn’t that strong. So Mihara turns to Plan B: enlisting them as Z members.

Mikan understands now what Yuka meant by “sadist.” This man finds pleasure in causing pain, which means he won’t hold back. She can only watch helplessly as Mihara hurts each of her friends: Tsubasa, Ruka, and Natsume all get struck by the medusa alice. Her friends all struggle in pain, Mihara laughs in amusement, and Mikan just shouts and watches. There’s nothing she can do. She can’t overpower the adult keeping her still. 

Mikan is, despite her wish to protect and sacrifice, entirely helpless, which is perhaps the worst feeling of them all.

And yet, when Mihara uses his alice on Natsume one more time, Mikan has had enough. She does her best to attack Mihara, despite his superior stature and strength, grabbing at him to make him stop. She nullifies him and decides that, even though she’s been cast aside, she will do the one thing she can do: use her alice to make sure he can’t hurt her friends anymore.

Why must he attack Natsume twice in a row? Mikan cannot allow it!

Mihara commands Yuka to steal Natsume’s alice, almost like revenge for Mikan bothering him with her alice. You don’t like watching me torture him? Let me do it some more.

Yuka approaches Natsume. He’s incapacitated for the most part because of Mihara’s alice and also because all that fighting has tired him out. He just stands there and waits for her to come to him. Mikan screams for him to run, to get away, to save himself, but he just stands there.

The only sign that Natsume doesn’t want Yuka to get him is when he slaps her hand off. But he’s weak. Yuka overpowers him quickly, grabbing his wrist, taking his alice.

So Mikan screams for her to let go of him.

And her alice reaches them from all the way across the room, even though she’s restrained. 

This is my favorite instance of nullification in the whole manga. It makes me so happy.

Again I will repeat that Mikan works best through specifics. Wanting to protect someone, but a hundredfold. This time, it’s I don’t want Natsume to lose his alice.

But it’s actually more than that. Mikan knows from her realizations last night that Natsume hates his alice. She knows that Natsume’s life would be much easier if he didn’t have it anymore. He’s the one person in her class who doesn’t like his alice, who would prefer to lose it. This is his chance. Mikan can see that too. It’s not precisely that she doesn’t want Natsume to lose his alice; it’s that she doesn’t want to lose him.

If Natsume lost his alice, he’d leave the school. He’d be alive, probably healthy and happy. He could be with his family again. But she wouldn’t be able to see him anymore. They wouldn’t have their little arguments. He wouldn’t surprise her with random compliments or touches. He wouldn’t be able to make her happy. She wouldn’t be able to solve him, to figure him out, to find out everything about him. She wouldn’t be able to spend time with him anymore. She wouldn’t be able to make him happy. She wants him to stay with her.

The wish is even stronger, even more specific: I don’t want to lose Natsume.

Long story short, this is proof of Mikan wanting Natsume as opposed to simply tolerating him or "taking what she can get." She doesn't want to be parted from him.

Mikan has always used her alice up close, and almost always through contact or at least proximity. She’s always tackling people or hugging them, and she was only able to nullify Yuka or Narumi’s alices because they were close to her. Natsume and Yuka are all the way across the room, but her alice is so powerful it stops his alice from being stolen. Sure, Tono’s alice might have helped, but Tsubasa had already pointed out that there was very little left in the stone. This was powerful because that’s how badly Mikan wanted to keep Natsume with her.

The rest of the chapter goes by quick. Mikan got her wish: she acted as Natsume’s strength enough for him to be able to cause an explosion that turned the tide of the fight, letting her side win. Yuka stabs Mihara and then offers it to the boys to cure them of their petrified limbs. The building’s self-destruct switch activates. The group manages to find a tunnel out of the building just as it’s about to blow.

Mikan has a moment where wonders why Yuka would help them. She gave Mikan medicine for Hotaru and then healed the boys and led them to the tunnel that would save them. There’s still the question of “good” and “bad,” but Mikan can’t figure out where Yuka lies.

Chapter Forty-Three

The vial Yuka got for Mikan has fallen under some rubble. Mikan is doing what she can to get it. When Tsubasa tells her to leave it, she shouts that she can’t. This is what they came here to get, after all: a way to help Hotaru. Mikan won’t leave without it. But Pengy finally shows its worth, squeezing between the rock to retrieve the vial. 

Success! Things always work out! Good always prevails!

There’s a moment of bliss. They saved the vial so they can all head back, safe. There’s nothing else to worry about. It’s all worked out. 

But they’ve stayed too long. The floor breaks under her and although Ruka is able to pull her up, Pengy is still in danger. They do what they can to try and save him, Tsubasa dropping Mikan down a little so she can grab it--but she can’t reach and they’re running out of time.

Pengy understands that if they waste anymore time trying to save it, they’ll doom themselves and be caught in the building’s self-destruction. So it does the only thing it can. It lets go.

Sometimes success comes at a cost. Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes you lose.

Mikan has been enthusiastic this whole time about having Pengy with her, like a good-luck charm from Hotaru. She insisted on letting it tag along, even when it caused problems and even when Natsume fought with her over it, even when the situation was dangerous. In the end, bringing Pengy was a good choice, since it saved Hotaru’s antidote. Without it, Mikan would have had to leave this building and go back to school empty-handed. 

But this was a dangerous mission, and sometimes people get hurt on dangerous missions.

We see the group again once they’ve gone through the tunnel, back in the forest. Mikan calls for Pengy and then announces that she’s going back for it. She doesn’t seem to fully grasp that it’s gone for good, and she needs Tsubasa to grab her by the shoulders and explain it clearly to her: Pengy is gone and can’t come back. It sacrificed itself and that’s the only reason why the rest of them are alive. Mikan says “No,” and “I don’t want this.”

Mikan, whose life has so far been a school comedy, takes a while to grasp the permanence of this loss. People don't lose (or die) in comedies. She is still naive to how harsh the world can be.

Pengy’s “death” or sacrifice or whatever you want to call it is deeply tragic (makes me cry everytime, even at this very moment, as I write), but it serves an important purpose. It is not tragedy for the sake of making the reader cry; it’s narratively significant.

Each character involved feels this loss: Ruka, who loves animals and has a sensitive disposition was bound to grieve for it; Tsubasa, who had taken a leadership role over the kids and Pengy failed to protect one of the group, but is in the difficult position of grieving while also comforting Mikan; and even Natsume, who had reviled Pengy from the start, feels grief and guilt. 

We get an interesting glimpse into Hotaru as well. Her alice works in a very intriguing way; it’s not simply inventing. Anyone can do that with enough creativity and technical knowledge. Her inventions are unique, sure, but that could just be credited to her bizarre imagination. (How fun is it that Hotaru’s inventions are never sleek and mechanical, but always inspired by nature and animals? They are always cute and dynamic--very much like Gaudi in the sense that she also breaks typical rules and looks to nature for more intuitive designs.)

She can feel Pengy's loss, even with all that distance between them.

Even more than simply being able to create amazing and unique designs, Hotaru seems to be like Kaname in terms of her alice. Technical types don’t just create; parts of their alice (or their soul, depending on whether or not those are entirely separate things) seem to be infused into their creations, meaning that what they make contains a part of them. Hotaru has been somewhat aware of Pengy’s actions (specifically Pengy; she’s not magically omniscient) throughout this journey. Hotaru doesn’t just cry now because she knows Pengy is gone; she can feel that it’s no longer around. Whatever part of her used to exist outside of her body is now gone. This gives us a much more personal glimpse into Hotaru and the connection she has with her alice and her inventions. 

And most importantly (for this essay), we have Mikan’s reaction. Mikan is the most like a child in the main four, the most innocent, the most outgoing, the most cheerful. This is partly because of what kind of person she is, but it’s also because her life has been relatively easy compared to the rest of the kids. She’s new to the school, so she’s not as aware of the corruption and exploitation as other kids. She’s faced bullies, but experienced little violence and very little loss. Her parents have always been gone, so her grief has always been there. There’s always been a connection and a hole, neither of which she can truly reach because she knows so little about them. Getting kidnapped by Reo was scary, but the moment passed and nobody was really hurt. She, Sumire, and Natsume all got out of there relatively unscathed. Good prevailed, like it ought to. Nobody died.

I’d mentioned long ago that Mikan’s story is reflected by the seasons, right? It’s autumn.

Autumn represents change, reflection, slow maturation and eventual harvest, and even loss, just like plants begin to die before winter.

Mikan took off on this adventure to save her friends. When asked what she would contribute, she said she’d protect everyone with her alice. She told herself that she would become stronger, like Hotaru. That she would become the kind of person who doesn’t cry. She protected and was protected, but in the end she couldn’t protect Pengy. Autumn represents loss, and Pengy is Mikan’s first real loss.

Pengy is the first loved one Mikan has to lose. It’s interesting that when she comes to in the forest, she declares that she’s going back to save it. There’s nothing to go back to--the building has been destroyed--and there’s no sure way of knowing that they could get back to it the same way anyway. She can’t accept that Pengy is gone; instead, it’s been simply left behind. Mikan, dear optimist, wants to live in a world where bad things can be righted with good, where people can be saved if you try hard enough, where heroes prevail, and the good guys always win. 

But Gakuen Alice--misrepresenting itself as a “school comedy” with magical children--is actually a tragedy, a bildungsroman (the story of a child maturing). In real life, the good guys can lose, people you love can die. I know that there’s a joke that GA turned around once Pengy died, that it suddenly became dark and depressing after that, but I don’t think that’s really the case. Mikan meets traumatized and abused children as soon as she enters the school. In fact, one of the reasons she goes after Hotaru in the first place is the rumors of children kept as prisoners. “Narumi will never send those letters to your grandfather.” The fourth alice shape. Mikan and her friends are kidnapped within the first twenty chapters. Hotaru was shot. I don’t think at all that Higuchi Tachibana meant to write a happy, lighthearted story. 

Natsume’s perspective creates a thread of shadow from the very beginning, like a warning that his shadow could spread over the rest of the story. The manga might start off cheerful, with abuse and violence and exploitation danced over, but that’s only because the story is from Mikan’s perspective and Mikan is a naive child. If this story had been narrated by Natsume, it would be dark and depressing and the humor and light would be notably missing. If it were Ruka, the story would be more restrained, perhaps introspective, suspicious. If it were Hotaru, it might be much more bizarre, clinical. But Mikan is cheerful, sees the silver lining in everything. These dark and depressing moments aren’t exceptions, or random events that break away from an otherwise cheerful story. This is the story of an innocent girl getting dragged into a terrible world that intends to break her, and watching her resist at every turn. 

Mikan says, “I don’t want this,” because she has noticed that the world has shifted without her realizing, that the story has been steadily building up to this moment, even if she'd been oblivious. It’s pretty clear Pengy was meant to die, to sacrifice itself, from the very beginning of the arc. Her idyllic pastoral life with her Jii-chan is in the past; this is the new reality. Slow maturation, eventual harvest.

She won’t realize everything all at once, because that’s not how maturation works and there’s more seasons to get through, more people to lose, but she has realized something important: strength has to be earned. Resisting a breakage is only possible if there’s something there to break you. Otherwise, there’s nothing to resist. Mikan both succeeds and fails in terms of her personal wish to be strong and be able to protect others. She has the willpower and the desire, and her alice is capable of protection. But where her strength fails is her naivete, her inability to grasp the nature of life, the inevitability of loss, the fact that sometimes you can't win.

The group does make it back to the school in time. 

Mikan is able to give Subaru what Pengy sacrificed itself for. Mikan got part of what she had been looking for when they all set off on this mission. She didn’t get Yuu’s alice back, but she got the medicine for Hotaru, though it came at a steep cost she hadn’t been prepared for.

This is a success, but it doesn't really feel like one.

Mikan and Natsume are very different people who have led very different lives. This moment might be sad for him, but he’s been on dangerous missions before. There’s always the chance that you don’t make it back, or that a teammate doesn’t. He’d known that from the start, which is why his presence was so valuable. He was the only one on the team who truly understood what they were in for, that this wasn’t a game.

But Mikan’s just a little girl. All the times that she’s felt helpless before were moments she could overcome--she discovered her alice or she was able to save Natsume after all--but this is the first time that the happy ending she’d imagined doesn’t feel so happy by the time she comes to it. She had no idea what kind of journey this would end up being, and she didn’t want it to be this way, which is why she argued so much with Natsume, and might be why she found it difficult to admit to him that he was right before. Saying sorry is telling him he’s right. Telling him he’s right would be admitting that he’s right about how the alice world works, that it’s most often life or death, a desperate fight for survival, and not the fun adventure she wants it to be.

Sakurano tells the kids to go back to their dorms. They’re in the clear and will face no punishments, as long as they go back to life like nothing happened.

A character like Natsume will find no problem with that. He’s been doing that the entire time he’s been at the academy. But Mikan has been traumatized in a way she hasn’t yet experienced, something that changed and matured her. Going back to normal won’t be possible for her.

What is normal, then? 

The story has so far been a lot of fun, a lot of cheer and humor and light-hearted antics. Mikan prepares a dodgeball game with her friends! She gets kidnapped but saves the day! Right after that, she organizes an event for the culture fest and then studies with her classmates! And then she watches somebody she loves die.

The story will still be relatively light and cheery, because Mikan isn’t jaded or cynical and won’t be. But her innocent positivity has to shift under the weight of what she’s witnessed. The fact that the story continues to be funny in parts is a good sign: Mikan isn’t breaking. But that doesn’t mean she hasn't changed.

Conclusion

I do feel the need to resist against the idea that Gakuen Alice "suddenly" became dark when it's been pretty dark from the start. The issue here isn't context, it's tone. Mikan is our protagonist so we see most things from her point of view, and thus we see the alice world from her perspective. As a result, the story seems light and happy, because Mikan is light and happy. That doesn't mean that the story is or was always intended to be light and happy. It is, in reality, a pretty complex narrative.

Tomorrow we'll wrap up the Z Arc and start moving on to the next season. I hope y'all enjoyed this part! It was emotionally taxing to write, and even to edit and format. <3

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[tj-dragonblade]

Tea and Books Asks

Tagged in by @littledreamling , @mathomhouse-e , and @quillingwords thank you!

1. What period of history do you enjoy learning about?

As long as it's not the fucking founding of America and drafting of the constitution, again, we're golden

2. Who is your favourite fictional character and why?

Of all time? Impossible. Current fandom specifically? ...uh. Kind of also impossible. But I think if pressed Hob might just barely edge out Dream in the standings. Because? Because...his vibes? Immortal Everyman who's not all woe-is-me this-life-is-misery is a delight and idk he's just got that je ne sais quoi that makes me smile and say 'That one, that's my favorite'?

3. What do you order at a café?

It's a rare occurrence but. Some sort of coffee, extra sweet, extra whichever flavor added. Caramel and pumpkin spice are both excellent

4. Libraries, botanical gardens, or art galleries?

Of the three, I've only ever been to libraries, so, that

5. Do you have a favourite film soundtrack?

Beauty and the Beast 1991 probably. The score tracks on that just. Do things to me. Fond of a lot of Hans Zimmer's work as well (Lion King, PotC off the top of my head) and I keep circling back around to the Robin Hood Prince of Thieves soundtrack every few years

6. What does your dream home look like?

Underwater. With bits above water too, maybe half and half, but the important things I've always wanted are submarine airlock entryways and enormous windows with an underwater view. Not too far from civilization either

7. What makes you feel better on gloomy days?

Long solo drives with good music played loud

8. What are your top three films? Books?

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home; The Princess Bride; Beauty and the Beast

I've read fanfic almost exclusively the past twenty years but, let me think...I was very taken with the Shannara series by Terry Brooks in high school; I spent some time on the Vampire Chronicles after that and The Vampire Armand was my favorite (because Armand was my favorite more than because it was actually a good book)

9. Are you an organized person, generally?

...Ish. I dislike clutter and mess, but I wouldn't really classify myself as 'organized' by any standard measure of the word

10. Do you have a favourite classic novel?

...I am extremely fond of Alice in Wonderland and Wizard of Oz both but more for their permutation into pop culture and malleability therein than for their actual books specifically

11. What character archetype or trope is your favourite?

I have a laundry list, and they're generally best when multiple tropes are blended in one character. But maybe...let's go with The Foreigner, The Outsider, the one who often holds up a lens to humanity or whatever majority/default group is involved to offer commentary, try to understand, and who is perpetually Apart from them, usually unable (or unwilling) to quite blend in or assimilate completely even when they may be welcomed and accepted.

12. Do you prefer baking or cooking?

...give me a relatively simple recipe with clear instructions and I'll probably be okay, in either arena

13. Which season do you feel at home in?

In my current climate? Summer. Summer means I can get out and go places and do things. I love autumn in theory but in practice it's far too short, far too cold too quickly, and just a very depressing reminder of the half-a-year of winter that will follow

14. What is your opinion on poetry?

It should absolutely exist, integral facet of humanity, etc. Not really anything I actively seek out, however

15. Do you speak formally when texting and emailing?

Emails are nearly always business related whether home or work, so yes. Texts are not exactly formal but it's rare that I'd ever fail to capitalize, use copious abbreviations, etc. Punctuation droppage depends entirely on who I'm talking to and whether I need the clarity punctuation can provide

16. How do you organize your music playlists?

Haaaaaah. Let me count the ways:

- by artist, when I want The Good Tracks from their discography (and related projects) in chronological order

- by genre

- by pairing - many pairs have multiple permutations of their playlist also

- by character

- by character group

- by theme (e.g. Moon, Aquatic, etc)

- by mood

- by fic inspiration/writing soundtrack

- I have playlists for Disney movies where I put the songs and score pieces back in movie order since the soundtracks always group them separately and I also leave out the shitty radio versions of the songs

- I also have a playlist with all my individual Disney playlists combined in chronological order by movie release date

- by vibes

- by which family member I'm driving with

- I have a playlist for stuff that's in (or contains sections that are in) 3/4, 6/8, and various other non-4/4 time signatures

- I have a couple different playlists of favorite voices

- there's a giant playlist where I dump all the stuff I've rated 4 or 5 stars (some 3s may also get included), sorted by play count, for when I don't know quite what I'm really in the mood to listen to

- aaaaaaand then I usually have two or three playlists in constant flux for whatever I'm really craving to listen to at this particular point in time

17. Who is your favourite author?

Can't say as I have one

18. Chai or hot chocolate?

Chai

19. Do you prefer forests, sea shores, or meadows?

Sea shore, hands down

20. If you were to cultivate a fruit orchard, what would you grow?

Everything I would name I have developed allergies to so. Maybe not. Kinda sucks.

[thoughtforthedaysolitaire]

I posted 157 times in 2022

That's 157 more posts than 2021!

26 posts created (17%)

131 posts reblogged (83%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@thoughtforthedaysolitaire

@sugaroto

@freedle-8a

@devotedlyfuzzyperson

@silentlydying

I tagged 102 of my posts in 2022

Only 35% of my posts had no tags

#fav responses - 65 posts

#babbles - 17 posts

#heartstopper - 7 posts

#asks - 7 posts

#solitaire - 6 posts

#thftd - 5 posts

#important - 3 posts

#radio silence - 3 posts

#kit connor - 2 posts

#alice oseman - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 94 characters

#honestly a lot of responses to this question has been 'i'm not sure' so don't feel too bad lol

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

If you condone or facilitate what happened to kit Connor today, kindly unfollow me and delete your reblog of my post. I don't want you here.

You can't headcanon real people's sexuality, and you can't force them to come out. They don't owe anyone their sexuality, let alone people they don't even know. Grow the fuck up.

15 notes - Posted November 1, 2022

#4

Tag your thought for The day answer with thftd so that we can look at each others answers in one place!

17 notes - Posted November 28, 2022

#3

I didn't want to do this, but I'm going to split the recipients to Thought for The day into two. Group 1 will get an ask today, and group 2 will get the same ask, but tomorrow. It just makes it easier for me.

‼️If I find you are racist, transphobic, homophobic, ableist, or a bigot in any way, shape or form, I will remove you from the list and I reserve the right to do so‼️

Group 1 is (in no particular order) @lizziesblog @pessimistic-lonerr @queer-cat-katherine @edwardcullenisadilf @capncronch @the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see @geolato @venusqq @monochrome-anomaly @silentlydying @thequietfox @newtness532 @tea-time-with-dragons @utterly-disappointed @meloncholic-bookworm @ghostbakery @devotedlyfuzzyperson @mumr1ksnufk1n @sugaroto @mentalbreakdownmachine @bread-cat-luna @cheesepizzabro @mydeargoodbye @fabricated-pessimist @staticfrom-typeiisupernova

Group 2 is @canonsunkmyships @aaristea @butterfliesareamyth @tesseract-s @person4924 @solitairians4ever @jeguslay @pheliau @undescribed1mage @evrythinginitsrightplace @secretlyafrog7 @anadreamland @heartstopperobsessedgirl @humanmurphyslaw @lifeofadrian @henrythepug @pessimistic-book-lover @shysaladsludgeoperator @mars-is-tired @rothefish @freedle-8a @radiosilencedtori @papermacheworldd @that-monochrome-rainbow @lazylama9 @dreamingintheosemanverse @literatureisdying

77 notes - Posted November 3, 2022

#2

There's something I've wanted to say for quite a while.

Because of the nature of Solitaire, it attracts many fans that have poor mental health, and can relate to Tori's struggle and pessimism.

And I'm not trying to spread toxic positivity. The world is fucked up. People are fucked up. Depression, anxiety, and all the other mental health problems arent going to be cured by some false image of sunshine and rainbows.

But, please. Don't be so hard on yourselves. I pretty frequently surf my Follower's blogs, and I see so many posts of people saying that they don't want to be alive, they hate who they are, etc. And, ironically, all these people seem lovely, and any interactions I have with them prove me right every time.

Maybe you've done some bad things. Maybe you've had bad things done to you. But you can start over. First impressions aren't everything. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how long it might seem.

My ask box is always, and I mean ALWAYS open. I won't always be able to help, but I will listen. If you want, you can send me vent messages and ask me not to reply, if you just want to get it out. If you ask me not to, I won't .

❤️

92 notes - Posted November 16, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Reblog if you would like to receive Solitaire style Thought of The Day asks

I reblog responses I find funny or interesting under #fav responses.

332 notes - Posted October 25, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[bookishandproud]

Heartstopper

by Alice Oseman

Book Cover Picture

Genre or category

Graphic Novel

Target Age Group

7th to 12th grades

Summary

A coming-of-age story about two teenage boys, Charlie and Nick, who meet at school and quickly become friends. As their friendship grows, so do Charlie's feelings for Nick, and he struggles with the developing feelings, paired with his recent outing to his whole school and experience being bullied because of it.

Justification

I chose this book as it is currently popular because of the Netflix show, but also because it used to be a webtoon and was turned into a graphic novel. It also has really great representation and diversity outside of the main characters of the story, which isn't very prominent in a lot of media, but very important for the stories ability to relate to so many people and showcase different views. Representation like this is especially important for this age group, as they grapple with their place in the world and how to navigate more social relationships.

Evaluation

For this review, I will be evaluating illustrations, mood, and pacing.

The illustrations for this book have a relatively simple style, use of color, and dialogue is printed in larger print. Even with the muted colors of black, white, and turquoise, the reader is still able to feel the impact of every moment and see the emotions each character is feeling. The limited colors allow the reader to simply focus on the characters and get swept up in the story, rather than getting distracted by details. There are also small details the decorate some of the pages that really emphasize what a character is feeling in that moment in the story, but are not large enough that they are distracting to notice. This would be a great introduction to graphic novels for those new to the format, as the illustrations are large and easy to follow.

Although depicted in cool shades of turquoise, the story elicits a very warm, uplifting, and lighthearted mood. Although the story covers serious topics like homophobia, the characters, their personalities, and the humor of the story really bring it to life. The little details of leaves and flowers on some of the pages with the interactions between Nick and Charlie also really help the reader feel the mood and the anticipation of them getting together. These motifs put the reader into Charlie's shoes in an empathetic way, feeling what he feels for Nick as he struggles with these emotions, but overall the happiness that he feels when he spends time with him.

Over the course of the book, the story is centered around Charlie's feelings for Nick and their relationship as their friendship blossoms. With the large images and abundance of dialogue, the story moves very quickly. The pacing of the story at the beginning reflects how fast Charlie's feelings for Nick develop at the start of their friendship. The story is told in snippets of their interactions over the course of the school year, which reflects how special Charlie thinks those moments are in his life and what he looks forward to everyday at school. After Charlie realizes his feelings, their moments become drawn out within the story and more detailed, making the story slow down a bit, and the reader finds themselves wanting to savor the moments just like Charlie does.

Rating: ★★★★★

References

Oseman, A. (2018). Heartstopper. Graphix.

[all-for-geek]

Unfinished Business - Love, Family, and Possession Chapter 8 - Talking to a Memory

Chapter 7

Chapter 9

Fandom: Julie and the Phantoms

Word Count: 3,658

Summary: Julie discovers that her life is now on a ticking clock, and Reggie gets a blast from the past.

Song Used in Chapter

Julie paced across the studio. This wasn’t happening. This could not happen. There was no way that Nick was possessed. She couldn’t have the same curse that the guys had. She couldn’t be…she couldn’t be…

Julie chucked the bracelet Nick, no, Caleb, had given her across the room. The purple energy it had been emitting lingered on her skin before seeping down into her body. She wanted to scream. She wanted to disappear back into that apathetic state she had thrived in after her mom died. She wanted to crumble into a ball and cry. That last one felt so tempting. 

The 5 others in the room stared at Julie. Alex and Reggie weren’t sure of what to do. This was beyond anything they were prepared for. A simple hug or “Everything is going to be okay” wasn’t going to fix this.

Luke stalked in the back corner of the garage, his hands balled into fists. He wanted nothing more than to stand next to Julie, being her shoulder to cry on, but emotions had never been his strong point. If he saw her now, her look of helplessness, of desperation, he would crumble, and that would just make things worse.

Alice had followed them from the auditions. She wasn’t sure why. Unlike the 3 other ghosts, she was invisible to the other lifers. She had no living connections to cling to. She hadn’t for a long time, but she knew the look in Julie’s eyes all too well. She had seen it so many times before. She wanted nothing more than to poof out, but some stubborn part of her forced her to stay.

It was Flynn who made the first move. She stomped over to her best friend and grabbed her by the shoulders. There was a fury in her eyes, but it was not directed at Julie. It was directed that this messed up situation and the ghost that put her into it. That dude was real lucky that Flynn couldn’t see him. But that wasn't what was important right now. Her friend was in trouble.

She pulled Julie into a tight hug. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” she whispered, although she was still loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. “You beat this stupid curse before. You’ll do it again.”

Luke’s ears perked up. “Wait, yeah! We just gotta do what we did before!” He ran over to Julie and joined Flynn in hugging her. Alex and Reggie weren’t far behind.

Julie could feel the love her friends had for her flooding her system. The power she felt was enough to crumble her to her knees if Flynn was keeping her upright. It felt just like that night after the Orpheum. 

The warmth and light faded as the four pulled away. She stood there, unsure. That had felt good. It felt right. She smiled as she-

Julie doubled over in pain as a purple jolt of energy coursed through her body.

“No no no no no,” Luke muttered. He rushed to Julie’s side, helping her stand back upright.

“I don’t get it. Why did it work?” Reggie asked.

“Because she is still alive,” Alice explained. The three boys turned to her, but the girls remained where they were. Alice sighed as she repeated herself through the makeshift switchboard.

“Caleb’s curses work by sticking his power to your very soul. It’s why they are so hard to break. A ghost is nothing but a soul, so when their Anchor forms a strong enough connection, it is easy enough for them to reach in and erase it. Lifers…they have more in the way. The physical form guards the soul against harm, but it also means it can’t be accessed as easily. It will take more than a group hug to break it.”

“And how do you know so much about Caleb and his curses,” Alex asked, not hiding the skepticism in his voice. It earned him a slap on the shoulder from Reggie, but he couldn’t shake the fact that she seemed to know everything.

Alice turned to face the switchboard again, biting her cheek as she regained her composure. “Caleb has been treating the ghosts of this city like his pawns for decades. I don’t like people who enjoy putting others down. Me and a small group of others at the Roxy have been working to find ways to break Caleb’s hold on people.”

“Okay, so how do we help Julie then,” Luke said, rising to his feet. He didn’t care what kind of past Alice might or might not have. If she could help save Julie, that was all he cared about.

“You have to reach into her soul,” she answered. The others waited as Alice took her hands off of the lights.

“And…how do we do that?” Luke prompted.

“Each soul is different. The person who truly knows the answer to that is Julie.”

Julie could feel her breath constricting. This was too much. She was dying. She was going to die soon if she couldn’t reach her soul. She didn’t even know what that meant! Why was this happening! Just as everything was starting to turn around, something always had to show up to remind Julie how cruel the world could be. 

She ran out of the room, tears welling in her eyes. Flynn followed close behind her.

Alex stared at the space where Julie had stood. She was not the only one getting overwhelmed. He could feel the panic starting to set in. He needed to get his jitters out. He was of no use to any of them like this. He poofed away. No one needed to ask to know where he had gone.

Carlos ran into the garage, his eyes bright and happy. Luke couldn’t help but feel jealous of the kid. He had no idea what was going on.

Carlos quickly checked the studio for his sister before racing over to the lightboard and setting down his open laptop.

“Reggie, are you there?” the boy whispered.

Reggie struggled to make it over the switchboard. He really didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and go to bed. But this was Carlos. Reggie always had time for Carlos.

“Yeah, little dude, I’m here,” he answered.

Carlos’ face beamed brighter. “I found your brother!”

Reggie froze. Nothing could have prepared him for those words. Nothing had even

hinted that those words were a possibility! If he had a heartbeat, it probably would have stopped.

“What?”

“It took longer than I thought it would,” Carlos continued, unaware of how much of a bombshell he just dropped, “He doesn’t have much social media, not even a Twitter, can you believe it, but I found him! Stephen Peters! He even still lives in the area.”

Carlos turns his laptop around to show a picture of a family of four out on the beach. The children’s faces were obscured, but the couple could be seen clear as day lounging on the sand. She was smiling at the man like there was nobody else in the world. And the man…he was so much older than he should be. Stevie was a little kid, but now…he was old enough to be their dad. He was a dad. His smile had not changed since the last time Reggie saw it.

“Reggie?” The ghost hadn’t been aware of how long he had been sitting there until Carlos spoke. He looked around. Had Luke’s hand been on his shoulder the whole time?

“Yeah…yeah that’s cool,” Reggie muttered, struggling with the lights.

“So now you can go and see him!” Carlos exclaimed.

Reggie couldn’t begin to process what was happening. See his brother again? Sure, he wanted to…more than anything…but what about- 

He stared at the empty doorway where Julie had run off through.

The hand on his shoulder squeezed. “Dude, you gotta go,” Luke exclaimed.

“But…I can’t just leave Julie.”

“Bro, you’re not leaving her,” Luke reassured. “Flynn’s in there with her right now, and I’ll be there too. Julie’s in good hands.”

But that was the problem. He couldn’t go to see Stevie alone. He couldn’t. He would get to the door, stand there awkwardly, poof back, and call himself a big chicken afterward. He needed someone to be there with him. To give him that extra push. Alex had already gone to see Willie, and Luke couldn’t leave. He would if Reggie asked, he knows that, but Luke needs to be here with Julie. He couldn’t just-

“I’ll go with you,” Alice piped up.

Reggie whipped his head around to face her. Had he been talking out loud that whole time? Or was he just that easy to read?

“Oh, okay you sure?” Reggie asked. He didn’t mind Alice going, really, he didn’t, but she had done so much for them over the past couple days. He couldn’t help but wonder why.

“Yeah,” she replied nonchalantly. “What else am I going to do with my afternoon?”

Reggie looked back to look as if asking for permission. His friend rolled his eyes playfully.

“Dude, everything is going to be fine,” Luke said, “Julie is in good hands up there with Flynn.”

“Yeah…besides, Flynn isn’t the only one who can look after her.” Reggie’s signature smile returned for a moment as Luke’s cheeks flushed. He gave the ghost a wink before he and Alice poofed off.

Stevie had managed to get a nice place for himself out in the suburbs of LA. It looked like a house out of a sitcom right down to the white picket fence. They had a big yard littered with toys where the two children, a boy and a girl, were running around playing.

Stevie’s kids. The thought hit Reggie again like a freight train. These were Stevie’s kids. Little Stevie who was barely tall enough to reach the pedals on Dad’s old car. He had kids. Reggie had a niece and nephew. Stevie had-

A firm squeeze on his shoulder pulled Reggie out of his spiral. He turned to Alice who was giving him a comforting smile. Reggie smiled back. The softer expression looked good on her. They both quickly turned back to the kids just in time to see the boy trip and fall in a mud pile. 

The girl laughed at him which earned her a playful “Shut up!” in response. The call summoned their father out to see what all the fuss was about. Stevie was taller than him. He had a beard! Alice’s hand was back on his shoulder.

Stevie smiled, a smile that Reggie remembered like it was yesterday, at the boy. Like this wasn’t the first time that this had happened. 

“Reggie…” he called out.

Reggie the son apologized to his dad while Reggie the ghost choked back a sob. Stevie helped little Reggie to his feet, seemingly not worried about the mud getting caked on his own clothes, and the three walked back into the house. Reggie remained staring at the door.

“Do you…uh…” Alice trailed off, her nonchalant demeanor cracking. She vaguely gestured toward the door.

Reggie nodded before poofing inside. He was really glad that someone came with him.

The inside of the house was littered with pictures of the family that lived there. All of them from various trips or outings, the four smiling brightly every time. Reggie thought of the pictures he had of his own family. He hoped that these ones weren't as loaded with memories as his were.

Stevie was standing at the bottom of the stairwell talking and laughing with a woman (Stevie’s wife, oh god Reggie had a sister-in-law) standing at the top. Stevie pawned the poor mud-caked boy to his mother before heading farther down the hall. 

After a pitstop in the bathroom to wash the worst of the mud off, Stevie entered into a massive bedroom. It was big enough for two people to comfortably use (which made sense because Stevie had a wife). He went rummaging through his closest, probably looking for new, less muddy clothes to put on. 

Stevie suddenly paused as he reached the back of his closest. A fond smile crept on his face. He slowly, carefully, pulled out an old, beaten leather jacket. It couldn’t have been Stevie’s. It was too small for him. It was…

Reggie had never put too much thought into what happened to the clothes that he died in. He guessed that it made sense that his parents would want him in something nicer than his sweat-soaked regular clothes. They always wanted him in something nicer. And if anyone could have ended up with his jacket, he would have wanted it to be Stevie. Still, the image was almost too surreal.

Stevie held his brother’s jacket tenderly in his hands. As if it would crumble to dust if he held it the wrong way. His tender smile remained as he pulled an old CD out of the jacket pocket. It was 25 years old at this point. With how much he played it, it was a miracle that the thing still functioned. But it was one of his most prized possessions. He kept a CD player around just for it.

Reggie recognized the intro as soon as it started. It was a demo that he had never gotten the chance to show the guys. His first, and only, foray into writing anything that wasn’t country. The song he had written for his brother for when the shouting had gotten too loud.

As the first verse began, all of the memories came flooding back.

I still see the moonlight on your skin

Those eyes staring back at me

Those scared eyes. Of a boy who didn’t know any better. Who just wanted Mommy and Daddy to stop fighting.

I still hear your voice sing in the wind

Consumed by the melody

The nights when the two would sneak out. Before Sunset Curve. When they would stroll the Hollywood streets sneaking into any music club they could. Reggie’s friends joined when they could.

I still feel your heartbeat skip I'm reaching, wishing

Wishing they had gotten more time together. Wishing that for one moment Stevie could see him. That he could tell his little brother that everything was alright.

Stevie starts to sing along, his eyes closed.

I'm talking to a memory

Calling can you hear me?

Reggie sits on the bed with his brother, drumming the beat on his fingers.

Haunted by the moments of what we used to be

I know it's not reality but I can't help believing

You're be haunted by me

Reggie stares at his brother. He no longer sees the man that he became, but the little brother that he always knew.

And you're talking to a memory

Oh, oh, woah

Oh, oh, woah, oh

I'm talking to a

Oh, oh, woah

Oh, oh, woah, oh

I’m talking to a memory

Out of my body looking for you

The time that Reggie almost ran away. He had started packing his bag and everything before Stevie came walking in.

All over the world but haven't left the room

He couldn’t just leave him there.

Stuck inside these four walls

But in this vision we can have it all

Teaching his brother how to play bass. The quieter tones were calming, and it could always be cranked up if needed.

Got nowhere to go so I'm going nowhere

No no no Stevie couldn’t cry. If he cried, then Reggie would cry, and then-

The world is empty when you're not there

Reggie harmonized with his brother, tears in his eyes.

Take me back, back to the night when we danced through the Hollywood lights

Oh, oh

Ours is a story I won't forget

Reggie would never forget his brother. Not if he roamed this Earth for a hundred years.

Oh, oh

No moments wasted, no regrets

Stevie had one though. That his brother couldn’t be here to share this amazing life with him. He hoped that, wherever he was, Reggie was happy.

Oh, woah, oh

The chapters we wrote are written in our hearts

The ending came to soon but

It made us who we are

Stevie couldn’t tell, but he was singing face to face with brother. Reggie couldn’t have been prouder of the man he became.

Can we talk about our memories?

The ones where you can reach me

Reggie stopped singing as he stared at his brother. Stevie stared at the closest where the jacket was hanging.

Lost in every moment, we could just be you and me

Alice stared from the doorway, shifting uncomfortably as she watched the extremely personal scene play out. She had always been glad that she never had a sibling, but maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad.

I know it's in the past but I can't help believing

We'll be haunting each others dreams

Through our favorite little memories

“Stephen! Dinner’s ready!” a feminine voice called from downstairs. Reggie and Stevie both turned towards the sound, awoken from their trance. Stevie wipes the tears rolling down his face away and carefully puts the CD back into the leather jacket before heading downstairs. Reggie follows him wordlessly.

Stevie sat down next to his wife at the dinner table. The woman eyed him worriedly before he gave her a reassuring smile. The kids, the boy now in a clean shirt, run over, and the four start digging into their meal. 

It was the scene Reggie had always dreamed of when he and Stevie were kids. The four sitting down, chatting and joking about the day they had. The kids excitedly explained what happened at school. Reggie kept glancing at Stevie and his wife. They were so…happy. Reggie never dreamed that his own parents could look at each other that way. Even before things started getting bad. 

Reggie smiles as he poofs away. Alice, who had been standing in the doorway admiring the scene herself, notices his sudden absence. She rushes out of the house desperately hoping that he didn’t just leave her to see that sappy, saccharine, envious scene alone. She caught herself sighing when she looked up to see him on the roof.

Alice poofed up to join him. Reggie turned and acknowledged her for the first time since they entered the house. He hastily wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I…” Reggie trailed off. How did he explain that he kinda, maybe, completely forgot that she was there.

“It’s okay,” Alice responded. She sat down next to him, taking in the sun slowly setting. “You doin’ alright?”

“I…They all look so happy. It’s better than anything I could have hoped for.”

“I’m glad. For a lot of us, especially those who die young, seeing family again doesn’t always end well.”

Reggie turned to look at her. “Have you ever tried? Looking for your family?”

Alice’s face darkened. “My dad was the only family I ever really had, and we had a big falling out right before I died. Don’t really have any interest in re-connecting.”

“That sucks,” Reggie said, regretting it almost immediately. Of course it sucked! He wished Alex was here. He always knew what to say.

“It’s not so bad,” Alice said, “I’ve met a lot of amazing people through the Roxy. Some were there before me, some after. It’s like having a family all over again.”

“I get that,” Reggie added. He meant it. He felt the same way about his band. “Thanks for coming with me. You didn’t have to do that.”

Alice shrugged. “It was no biggie.” 

Alice smiled, and Reggie smiled back. There were a million words left unsaid between them, but neither one was willing to speak them. Not yet, anyway. Instead, they just watched as the sun set.

As the sun set for Julie, she felt herself drawn to the same place she always felt drawn to in times of distress. Her box of her mom’s old things. She sifts through the box full of outdated fashion. She smiles as the tears come falling down. This was all that she had left of her mom. All that she had to physically hold at least.

Another jolt of pain pulsed through her body. She collapsed onto the floor just in time for Flynn to round the corner. She took her place at her best friend’s side quickly pulling her into a hug.

“I can’t leave them with just a box,” Julie managed to get out between the tears. “We just started getting better. I can’t…I can’t do that to them.”

Luke was about to float into the room when he saw the scene playing out before him. He wanted nothing more than to be angry, but nothing could trump the aching feeling in his heart.

“Don’t you dare talk like that,” Flynn scolded. “You are not going anywhere. You read what that ghost lady said. We just gotta find a way to connect to your soul.”

“How are we gonna do that?” Julie cried. “We don’t even know where to start.”

“Music,” Luke muttered. It was less that he spoke, and more that the thought fell from his head and into his mouth. Julie looked up, barely hearing what he said herself.

“What?” she asked.

“You always say that music is a big part of you,” Luke explained, fiddling with the strings of his hoodie, “You even wrote a whole song about it.”

“Your mom,” Flynn added. She couldn’t hear the ramblings of the ghost behind her, but her words fit with his more perfectly than she could ever know. “She was such a big part of you. She still is.”

Julie sat there, wiping the tears from her eyes. She looked at her two friends with a smile before grabbing her notebook. 

“Thanks,” she said. “I think I have an idea.”