#i feel like im just being paranoid and thinking too deeply about it

[disastercit]

every time I think about making cursed david plush photos I think of this post

[the-s1lly-corner]

Seeing Kinger stuff is so nice gosh! Would it be cool to get the rest of the fluff alphabet with him please? Or if that's too much the ones you'd like to write about most

Kinger fluff alphabet! the whole thing!

two things one is more so one of my personal woe things unrelated to you but i deleted my masterlist immediately after finishing it because i didnt like the layout of it; 3 hours down the drain SOBS other thing! imma go ahead and link the other fluff alphabet stuff so its a complete list! actually third surprise thing, WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME I ACCIDENTALLY FORGOT TO PUT P IN THE FLUFF ALPHABET/lh/nm i fixed it now but i cant believe i skipped a letter i feel so dumb

ABSTRACT- if you were to ever abstract he would probably abstract himself. i mean if the things about queener/queenie are true and they were close, then that would mean this guy would lose a loved one TWICE. that would most definitely break someone, and kinger is already on the edge as it is. if he somehow doesnt abstract, he probably becomes even more paranoid; kind of shutting everyone out almost because he sure as hell knows he cant take a third heartbreak. rarely ever leaves his pillow fort, unless hes physically dragged out? sometimes he forgets you're gone, because he just refuses to believe the truth. sad stuff

BONDING- will rattle on and on about cool bug facts, if he has his own collection in his room he will show you it! maybe, if you want, he will let you hold some of the critters! tells a lot of stories, nicer ones from when things in the circus arent so... bad.. usually when hes in a good headspace! you get the feeling he embellishes his stories... not too different from a grandfather trying to make his experiences seem more glamorous and action packed than they really were

CUDDLING- he is very hard, due to him being a chess piece, but his clothes do a really good job at softening him! no arms :(... usually rests his hands on your back, or maybe has one on your shoulder and the other on your hip. switches between being big and little spoon, sometimes he wants to hold and sometimes he wants to be held

DATES- you can find them here!

EMOTION- kinger is... odd... im not sure where he lies, because i think sometimes he does have moments where he remembers thing and it overwhelms him, so that may be the main time hes the emotional one. however, i guess this entire time for emotional ive been focusing on more.. 'bad' emotions, but i think kinger would gush about how much he loves you, like WOAH! he is just overflowing with feelings right now

FAMILY- honestly he gives me dad vibes, if this dude doesnt already have kids in the real world (wow thats a sad thought... dude is like MIA probably and his kids are left to wonder where he went. double owie if queener/queenie was his real life wife before things happened) so if you guys make it back to the real world and unite, you're gonna be a step parent! would he like to have more kids with you? i think it depends, he would want it, though!

GIFT- you know how some people put bugs in like, cases to preserve them or something? i feel like he would give you those with some of his prettier bugs! loves anything you give him, he always keeps them stored safe in his room!

HARSH- you guys dont really get into arguments, i dont think! kinger doesnt like hiding things from you unless its something deeply personal, but otherwise hes an open book to you

IN HOUSE ADVENTURE- here!

JEALOUSY- its not so much as him being jealous as it is him being paranoid that something is going to happen to him or you, so! even if he wasnt worrying himself half to death he doesnt exactly seem like the jealous type to me, tbh

KISS- its time for my favorite thing for characters with no mouth!!! he boinks his face into yours, i actually wrote something for this! not gonna link it since its so short and i can easily relay the idea: but he would internally hype himself up (usually does this if this is the beginning of the relationship, he gets more confident as time goes on!), and just lightly 'pecks' your cheek before pulling away. loves kissing your cheeks as well as the back of your hands. loves being kisses where his mouth would be as well as his cheeks

LOVE LANGUAGE- quality time!! this man follows you around like a love sick puppy, because he loves you so much but also because again, he worries.. he also likes doing acts of service for you, makes him feel like hes capable of doing things on his own (which he is!). loves it when you return the favor via words of affirmation

MENDED- is he dreaming? is he imagining things again?

nope, its really you. somehow, you've recovered from abstracting, and you're now out of the cellar. he wants to hold you and never ever ever let you go, out of fear that hes going to come to his senses any second and youll be gone. wants to keep you in the pillow fort with him, or at least within his line of sight

NO- its less of an active dealbreaker and more of a "hey this is going to stress him out and probably hurt his mental health" but like, i dont think he would pair well with a really really intense person. like sure caien is pretty intense, but its not like caine is going to be spending a significant amount of time with him everyday, but like. you know? like i talk about some characters enjoying being on their toes and left guessing in regards to their partner, but kinger is NOT one of those people. he needs stability

PDA- less of a case where he actively and knowingly indulges in PDA and more so a case where he subconsciously holds onto your hand to keep you at arms length and to feel you. due to his lack of arms he has probably wandered off without you (and his hand) at least once. is not opposed to PDA, though, so long as its not like. insane

QUIET TIME- quiet time between the two of you is very rare. sure kinger can be very quiet when hes alone, but when hes alone with someone else, someone he cares so much about.. he cant help but fill the silence with words, to keep the ringing in his ears at bay .. so really quiet time is talking time

ROSES- ill mention it again in V (i wrote v before this section), he loves giving you roses especially on special occations! loves receiving flowers as well, he seems like a rose kind of guy as well

SHH- the one thing he doesnt like talking about is queener/queenie, well, more so the last few days leading up to her abstraction. it brings up. well, memories. on one hand he doesnt want to forget her, but on the other hand he doesnt want to bare the pain of those terrible memories

TUNES- THIS THIS THIS THIS ONE ALWAYS COME TO MY HEAD WHEN I THINK OF ROMANTIC HCS FOR SWEETIDEAS FOR OLDER GUYS IDK WHY

UPSET- im going back and forth with a lot of these as i fill in the list so! tying this in with E, i mention one of the only times he gets emotional is when he remembers some unfortunate events that took place in the circus. you're going to need to console him and bring him back to the present moment :(. when you're upset he tries to distract you, takes you to his fort, and tells you stories

VALENTINE- on the chance that he remembers what day it is, hes going to give you the most sterotypical date he can give to you. i think it might be because i can kind of see kinger as like, a classic/stereotypical romantic when it comes to you. flowers, he cant take you out to dinner so he takes you out to the digital lake to gaze at the clouds and watch the bugs pass

WANT- he wants a companion, he wants stability, and thats something he needs. he wants someone to be compassionate about him, his wellbeing, and his interests

XOXO- here! as well as Yearn!

ZZZ- if you guys go to sleep together its always in his room, where hes more comfortable. he also has a thing where he insists on being the one closer to the door; almost as if hes offering himself as protection to you should someone unwanted to come in. huh. always sleep holding onto you, snores like a dad

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

hey everyone! sorry in advance for how long this is but ive just been stuck worrying i was the asshole in this situation. heres one for the jury.

i (23f) had this friend (20m) that id known since we were both kids. we were so close that we called each other siblings for like, 5 or 6 years of our lives. we didnt always see eye to eye but most disagreements were resolved somewhat easily i thought.

one thing that my friend would do, though, was try to rehabilitate people. im a woman of color, and my friend was a white man. the two of us would meet people, who would become his friends, but would treat me like a rabid dog. id show him proof and talk to these people about it pretty often, but the treatment continued. id tell my friend that i feel unsafe, and i was scared, esp with my paranoia issues.

every single time, though, my friend would say we should stay friends with these people. he believed that if we (he) earned their respect or influenced them through our friendship with them, theyd stop being racist. the only flaw in this, i saw, was that theyd never listen to me in the first place, and he would never give me a foot in the door or speak up to defend me.

this all culminated when my ex and i broke up. he had been acquaintances at best with them, and told me he didnt like them pretty frequently. id triggered myself into a meltdown one night on him, telling him the full uncensored details of what my ex had done to me during our relationship (still in therapy for it! woo!), and hed listened. he said it sounded awful, and that he had no interest in talking to them ever again. it made me feel the safest and most cared for that id felt in a while.

...you can see where this is going. a few months later, i see that hes replied to a comment from a familiar username on one of his posts. i felt guilty for even noticing, and i didnt want to ask him, but i figured it was someone else and i was just paranoid. i sent him a DM just for confirmation that it wasnt my ex.

he spent 5 minutes typing something before just saying 'yes'. i tried to pretend it was cool but it triggered not only a ptsd attack but a huge paranoia episode. i blocked him on impulse everywhere and cut contact. it was so bad i stopped talking to people for a solid 3 months or so other than my boss and therapist.

since then, hes posted some deeply hateful stuff about me, and told our mutual friends embarrassing information which convinced them to stop talking to me too. i lost my entire friend group that id had for about 5 years over this.

ive been thinking about his philosophy lately though, and i guess i can see the logic in it. im wondering if i really was as overly sensitive as he said i was about this stuff, and that i just needed to endure it more to 'fix' these people or change their minds or whatever.

so... AITA???

What are these acronyms?

[nevgig]

Does anybody else feel like they are always behind everyone?

I would think I make a good choice in something daily, but then it would turn out I did something completely wrong compared to everyone else

I think I'm trying to talk about like, being nuerodivergent or whatever

But I don't feel as aware as other people, or as quick minded. I feel like I need more help than others

I forget a lot, I take forever to get to something, I don't know how to navigate the "real world" as amazingly as others.

And people will tell me "it's fine you're like that, there's nothing wrong about it" but then it boggles their mind when say like- I get lost driving even if I have google maps on.

Or I'm looking into things too deeply- so I'm paranoid

but if I don't read between the lines than I'm dense.

My ritualistic behaviors (pacing, losing focus, fidgeting with my hands ect) and odd problem solving to things is considered cute at first before it becomes a hinder to those I love. It's kinda why I stopped opening up so easily and being committed to new friends (or even old friends).

Im just venting. I think people call this the autism experience or adhd experience or whatever expensive diagnosis there could be. The only way I can describe how I feel about myself compared to others is I can never really be able to keep up the way a "normal" people would. Like I'm always in some weird veil that prevents me from acting correctly.

I described myself as autistic before- or maybe even having OCD or bipolar- because of many lore reasons about myself. But sometimes, I feel like I'm just being weird and not committing to being a normal person.

Thankz for reading.

[afreakingdork]

READER STAN DROPPING IN FROM A HOSPITAL BED AND BOOOOY THIS CHAPTER IS FEEDING ME SO MUCH BETTER THAN HOSPITAL SANDWICHES GYAAAAAAHHH. He said it!! he said it!!

Everything Leo's done and he's outclassed by SANDWICH /j but oof. I knew Leo must have an understandable miff against Reader but seeing him admit just how deep that jealousy goes?? Because of course. Because Donnie's his *twin*, because they've had this song and dance of being at eachother's throats and in spite of that Leo still yearns for some sort or connection or an excuse to sever it completely.

It lowkey makes me remember the discussion if how WS!Donnie would react to his close-canon self/Crush too much self. How would *Leo* react to seeing a version of him that got into Donnie's space freely and without worry? A version of himself that got to wholly have Donnie as family,as a full fledged twin brother with no hard eggshells to walk on?

READER STAN, YOU ARE HOSPITALIZED?!?!?! I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY!!!! I'M SENDING HEALING VIBES!!! 😭😭😭 IM WORRIED ABOUT YOU!!!

This Leo reveal is so momentousness because I've been sitting on it for years and you've summed it up so nicely here! If we think about the timeline first in Weak Spot, though scary, when the bastard's three are introduced, we seem them as a little scary, but Leo is trying to do this bit in the midst of it and it doesn't fit and it feels wrong. Then when reader really meets Leo, he's bitter and paranoid and nothing like that person and so knowing what we know now, you see the aptly named song and dance was Leo's only source of connection. As bitter and cruel was it was, as lethal, it was the only one he had and that worked, but then we piece in more such as how Leo talks about how Donnie was finally gone, how they finally beat him back and there's such a bile there, like that's not something he wanted and then Donnie reappears, with some human, and he's different, he isn't playing the game and by all accounts he's wrong. Donnie is new and not the person Leo has known almost a lifetime and this upset Leo so so very deeply. Then, then, we place a recent piece about how reader said they understood Leo's banter comment from chapter 60. That's Leo comment about how they always do banter from chapter 19. In 60, Leo laughs. Leo laughs. Why laugh? Just because of the callback or because of something else? Because Leo then specifies he's lost his mind. Because reader doesn't get it. Because reader has made a critical error. Reader interfered.

I don't know! That came from somewhere where I've been sitting on this for WAY WAY too long!!! Thanks for letting me expound on it!

Oh DOING THAT WITH LEO!? THAT'S DELICIOUS, LET'S SEE: WS!Leo would need to talk to CTM!Leo. He would need to hear the story, just seeing it would not be enough for him. Hearing this other Leo talk about being the ultimate wingman and how he sacrificed for the team and all he did would bring WS!Leo to absolute tears. CTM!Leo would be sort of embarrassed like, hey big guy, it can't be that bad right? And WS!Leo would clamp a hand on his shoulder and try to suck it back up and tell him he did a good job which would surely water CTM!Leo's eyes from that (older) adult and self approval! For canon, he'd watch it like he were watching the TV show and just smile.

[ovenstavern]

oh. my. goodness. its like 3am in my area and i just finished a nightlong binge on the manhwa, Secret Alliance by Creator Lero. if i had to put it into a genre, i’d say its a psychological thriller, and…

ho. ly. shit.

i was never a visual novel or “comics” person, but holy fuck. this blew me away. i discovered a tik tok about it, with the nutshell plot of “stalker crossdresses as a girl to stalk his object of attraction, who is afraid of men” and quickly gained an interest. but as i read further into the manhwa, it was so much more than that.

before i get into the details, i warn that the manhwa has dark topics such as stalking, obsession, attempted suicide, assault, sexual harassment, and trauma. the ramble (and spoilers) is gonna be below the cut. stay safe and healthy yall

okay. ho. ly. shit.

so, i don’t even know where to begin. the first few chapters introduce our main characters, eun sian and chae “yuri”. right off the bat, you quickly realize eun sian’s intense fear of men. you can already tell that she has some trauma with men, and as you continue to read, you find that her paranoid mother perpetuates and reinforces that fear; a helicopter parent to the extreme.

not only that, you can immediately detect that something isnt quite right with chae yuri (even before it was revealed he was a guy).

i dont really wanna explain the whole story in its entirety, as i believe its a story best experienced. but what i will go into is the amount of love that was poured into this story. it still astounds me

the characters are complex, and their personalities and actions are deeply rooted in the trauma that they went through. eun sian and chae yuri’s relationship is so toxic and wrought with manipulation and co-dependent, and it was written so well. it beautifully illustrates how two people that come from two different, but toxic households often can find themselves in a toxic relationship for the both of them, as they have no other reference for love.

and speaking of relationships, yujin’s and eun sian’s relationship makes me want to squeal and giggle and they’re just so cute!! i loveee at the beginning, yujin subverts our expectations and ends up being a playboy who loves the feeling of being wanted. it gives him sm room for development, and makes his relationship with eun sian so much sweeter.

yujin and eun sian make a deal that he helps her get over her fear of men, while eun sian helps yunjin get together with chae yuri. in the earliest stages of their relationship, you can tell that yujin was able to ground eun sian and reassure her when needed. even beneath his playboy exterior, his caring nature shone through, especially for her. meanwhile, eun sian makes yujin want to be better for her (and if you seen a very old post, you know how i feel about that). i loved their friendship at the beginning, and i loved their romance at the end. they’re so healthy for each other and im glad they got together in the end

and speaking of the ending?????? sjdkdndkddjjdksjdsknsnz. i loved it so. much. it was just so fulfilling. i won’t spoil it, but it touched my soul to its very core, and i couldnt think of a more satisfying note to leave it off of.

the depiction of trauma felt very realistic and well written too. eun sian’s breakdowns felt so well done, and not once did it feel like the story was calling her “crazy” or “hysterical” even if other characters told her that she was. and actually, all the relationships felt so realistic, its astounding.

and the character development was so… empowering. it was amazing to watch the moments eun sian take back the parts of herself that her abusers took, it was amazing to watch yujin transform from a playboy to a golden retriever boyfriend. i just… love love love!!

i do wish they delved into yujin’s backstory a lil more, gave hyunee (the best friend) a more influential role, and did some more with yunjin’s blackmail when he found out about chae yuri, but all in all, i loved it. i started reading at 11, and kept reading til 3. its an absolute page turner, and extreme kudos to the artist(s) and writer(s)! you have my respect

to those who want to read it, the sites i read the manhwa either has a subscription service, or an insane amount of porn ads and porn pop up browser tabs. just for viewer discretion. if it sounds like yall can deal, please read! you won’t regret it. ill definitely be revisiting this manhwa again and again. its that good

have a wonderful day yall! im finally gonna get some sleep

[burning-sol]

im censoring any art i make of "her" and limiting reblogs because i do want to make vent art but i dont want to share a lot of details <- but if i dont share details it might make people feel wrong to later have interacted with any art featuring her at all. and i did make a post abt her in the past but it wasnt my intention to give the wrong impression of her because id genuinely experienced amnesia and couldnt remember the details about her. to be clear she's not real, she's not representative of any person in real life, i would describe her as a mix of my psychosis and what i recently realised describes maladaptive daydreaming.

i have been getting very very paranoid recently so ive been talking to xander and hy said he's going to help my get back in contact with a therapist when it gets the opportunity. i dont know how my behaviour has been perceived at all the past (???) amt of time, but i apologise if its caused confusion or distress.

anyways ill be talking about her under the cut with art but content warning it goes into talks about psychosis and emotional abuse and some transphobia and SA <- the art is evocative of that last thing i put it at the very bottom of the post. there's also talks about grooming..

i do have records of when she was first around but i only really looked at it to see how i drew her as i have a lot of amnesia around her and i dont like looking at old logs of things.. like. the thing is, there's a lot of stuff that happened online or i had uploaded online and i would rather let it remain forgotten rather than drag it back out. maybe its selfish of me but like i seriously dont want to think about the times i might have been groomed or the specifics of anything, i just want it all to go away. so yeah, i forgot about her and forgot about what she said or did because i wanted to forget and it didnt come up so it was whatever.

but there was a time where i was experiencing some different voices, ive had a track record of abusive voices throughout my life (to be clear xander is very different from that, to me it clearly has a wider depth of emotion and thought than these voices and actually has control over the body.. i just feel like i want to make that clear) and she was amongst them though i think she was different in her own way. the main reason i feel so scared of her is that i experienced a sexual hallucination perpetrated by her and i had to search up whether that was even possible because i have not heard anyone bringing it up before. but yes, that happened, and i dont claim to be a victim of sexual assault but it's still painful to think about and im still scared of her.

aside from the i guess "threats" of sexual interaction and recently threatening to leak sexually compromising information and photos of me, she is generally quite demeaning. she talks a lot about how i should just go back into being a complacent girl who does what she wants. she threatens to isolate me. i guess she's also threatened to hurt me physically too. its not real but at times it has felt like i am in literal chains and are at her whims and it makes me feel scared.

i dont know if its clear but there's a lot i dont bring up when it comes to any sexual trauma because i just. i dunno. i dont feel like any of it is worth talking about if im complicit in it, if its in my head, if its just nothing. things ive been involved in are deeply humiliating and hurtful. and of course i cant HELP but bring it up at times, as any person does, but out of everything i dislike talking about this trauma the most. id rather be quiet and not talk about anything and hell, i probably wont keep this post up.

a part of me realises it probably just hurts others that i dont talk to them about things like this. but talking to someone privately abt when im distressed makes me think about my previous toxic behaviours and i dont want to repeat that ever again, so i prefer to just stay quiet.

just typing this has made me exhausted from the emotional drain so ill stop this post here. thanks.

[astxrwar]

graydark bucky content with more overt murder/violence vibes under the cut.

deranged!bucky x clinical psych grad student RC who’s maybe like. a friend of peter parkers or sumn. asked to provide off-the-books not-technically-therapy because he has problems with authority + acts way too antagonistic towards Official Therapists with their fancy doctorates and established practices and shit. Tony (everyone lives au for simplicity’s sake. steve imo fucked off to the woods to do art, maybe got a girlfriend or something, Does Not Do That (superhero stuff) Anymore, so i can still play around w the abandonment theme) offers to personally fund her thesis + pay her to the tune of 80k/year which is like. hell yes!! grad students make like below minimum wage when the salary is divided by typical work hours.

I just want more weird thriller vibes with Attraction That RC Should Probably Not Be Feeling but this time with kind of mean!bucky. he’s not like. actually uncaring he’s just struggling with reconciling Enjoying Killing People with like. being a not-evil person, and he’s actively hostile to the idea of giving a shit about anybody for a lot of reasons. but anyway the Plot Elements im thinking about are 1. she def tells him about her life in an attempt to Connect and he straight-up hunts down and kills a past abuser; she doesn’t know for a fact that it was him but like. her gut knows. 2. stalking. oops. i feel like it’s a given for any flavor of deranged!bucky because of the whole WS history, 3. showing up maybe at her college when she’s walking to her car in the evening paranoid she’s gonna get him sent back to prison because atp he’s opened up about the Enjoying Murder thing. which leads to a fucked up kidnapping road trip getting-together fusion. emphasis on the fucked up.

particularly imagining a scene where they stop at a truck stop or something after it’s already been established she’s not going to try to run or call for help because Bucky would probably just. kill whoever’s unfortunate enough to get involved if he thought he was under threat of jail time. anyway he tells her to stay in the car because it’s really late at night and shady as fuck and she Doesn’t and gets cornered by some dude being gross and giving sexual assault vibes whomst bucky kills in front of her by snapping his neck with his bare hands. terror + some deeply fucked part of her finding it kind of hot. something wrong with me I’m afraid

also. distinction between “not going to hurt you” and “not going to *harm* you”, little bit of sadism. for science. knife kink probably. MUTUAL knife kink.

and then underneath all the really fucked up stuff is a really fucked up but also really vulnerable core of him that’s afraid to trust and terrified of people he gets attached to leaving him. first time they fuck he holds her down w the metal hand around her throat (just. keeping it there. a little bit of a threat, mostly an act of possession. i will see myself out) final time before the end of the story it’s with his right hand. because. symbolism. and he begs her not to leave him. or. well. his version of begging which is just telling her “you did this to me (made me care about you) and now you can’t leave/I’ll follow you if you do/ you will never be able to run from me i’d find you at the end of the earth” etc. fucked up control issues speak for “please don’t leave me everyone i ever cared about always leaves”.

I just crave more dark content where RC is not like. cowering or controlled by fear. personally I go right to compartmentalizing/rationalizing under extreme stress and if i thought i might get killed by some guy I was kinda already into with no feasible way out of the situation I would be on my emotional manipulation + trying-to-hit-that game like nobody’s business (bc you’re a lot safer if they see you as a human being. yaaay criminal psychology) but maybe that’s just me being nuts

[doctor-says-im-alright]

Ive been wondering lately if I really do have bipolar with psychotic features or if I have schizoaffective. Idk why the idea of bipolar though is so offensive to me lol. I think its because I never really feel grandiose and thats just an unfair part of the bargain.

The main difference I found is psychosis symptoms outside of mood episodes. Ive been trying to figure that out, but as my moods are really long, Im not sure. I was thinking maybe that is true because this year I seem to launch into paranoia in a single afternoon instead of over months. But thats associated with a stressed mood, not anything neutral? Idk. My paranoia is generally after Ive become fully stressed, but honestly, it is possible I have delusions constantly. How do you even know? I know I have OCD but I am so fixated on death that it might be more delusional than just OCD - like I do have rituals but its mainly just stressful thoughts that Im being haunted and the proof was a dead bug.

But the past week I noticed I shifted into a different phase. Im suddenly energetic or agitated. Like laughing hysterically, talking a lot, becoming really upset or angry, sad, overwhelmed, and constantly unreasonably scared. Everything is a threat. I seem to be really focused on fires happening for some reason. I am sleeping way more than normal, actually my sleep is suddenly really stressful. I dont go to sleep unless I take meds but thats normal for me, but now I cant get up. Ill wake up and its like Im magnetised to the bed and am stuck for awhile until I actually wake up. I sleep 12-14 hours but when I look at my Fitbit data its somehow only 5-6 hours in that time Im asleep. I know it, too. Its like Im not asleep and am in my room but dreaming in it. I didnt even realize I was so upset about this until I saw a post by someone talking about training their service dog to wake them up properly and asking how to do it and I could cry with the relief if I could figure out something mine could do to help me with it.

I generally always get told Im too self aware to have any psychosis issues and I think Im good at sounding self aware but Im actually not at all. I have no idea what Im thinking or feeling, Im guessing based on any knee jerk things that may have come out. Like last year I was in the psych ward for paranoia, but I hadnt even noticed or was able to communicate, but can see it now, that I was actually in danger of attacking people because I believed they were going to kill me first, and that had been my motivation to go in. And it wasnt even the person I said I was paranoid of.

I cant even figure out if my hand hurts or not. I have no idea what Im thinking or feeling. I know Im jumpy and on level 100 of agitation. I just suddenly start crying, Im overwhelmed with proofs of life and death. If someone tells me a joke I literally cry laughing. My words are mixing up and I feel like I cant say anything. I read things Ive written and even Im like what?? What does that even say. I know I am having PTSD symptoms - thats a given with me. I know for months Ive been hyperfocused on it, its been a source of anger outbursts.

Like for some reason the thought of romance or sex or any relationship sends me into a flying rage. My dog licking my other dog disturbs me so deeply I immediately lose it and have to run outside or throw something. People talking about love and needing people makes me feel so revolted. Ive been half dating someone and they mentioned kissing and Im ready to set myself and everyone else on fire. I cant stand the thought of desire and needing someone and craving them it is disturbing and I want to be sick thinking about it. But Im not normally like this at all. Not at all.

I am asexual and aromantic and my friend keeps making sex jokes and referencing my being asexual and I swear to god Im going to throw up on him or hit him with a wooden spoon. Havent decided yet.

[crashingwavesinmyworld]

I’m not gonna act like I’m perfect and that I’ve never made mistakes or sometimes said hurtful things when upset (who hasn’t though) but I’m tired of being treated like the villain in a situation where I’m the victim and I’m tired of any way i try to defend myself or when I’m just trying to get answers is seen as me having a “BPD meltdown” or “lashing out.”

I have every right to be hurt and angry and sad but I think I’m handling it pretty well regardless??? And I wouldn’t need to constantly defend myself or speak about how hurt I am or any of that if this dickhead had just properly communicated with me in the first place or at the very least didn’t try to paint me as some dangerous crazy person for something that wasn’t my fault and like even if it hadn’t been about me fainting and was about me being depressed/suicidal, once again I was the only one hurting there no one else was getting hurt it doesn’t make me dangerous you ableist fucks and if it was such an issue why did he assure me everything was fine? He blatantly lied to me and so did his girlfriend and I don’t know at this point what was true and what isn’t true and it’s honestly disgusting that she thinks I’m the problem and has been using my BPD as a way to demonize me.

This was all because of her coward boyfriends inability to communicate like a mature adult. But I didn’t even fucking do anything I’ve been trying to move on. All that happened is last night after I finally had felt okay and strong enough to hang out in the food court which I haven’t been able to do cuz I feel like I’m being watched. But then after I came out of the bathroom his girlfriend was sitting outside, she didn’t see me right away and I wanted to say hi but I didn’t cuz of what she’d said a few weeks ago about him not wanting her talking to me and as dumb as it is I wanted to respect that, I went and sat away from her and went back to my music or whatever I was doing.

But then when she did see me she walked away without saying anything. That hurt a lot but what hurts worse is he eventually came out and saw me and walked past me too without saying something, and his girlfriend intentionally parked the car right by where I was sitting so I had to see him get in the car, I tried leaving after this I was gonna go to the grocery store but when I was walking there suddenly he was driving and he was stopped in front of me and he looked at me again and so I turned and went the other way but he ended up parking in a random parking spot by where I was walking and got out of the car for no reason seemingly just to make sure I saw him then when I kept walking he got back in like I feel like he was trying to torture me on purpose. Like who tf does this?

Maybe I’m being paranoid and I know they would deny doing this but it just all felt very intentional. I can’t believe I ever called these people my friends. No matter how many problems I have I wouldn’t have ever done something like this to them. Sometimes I wonder if this is karma for my past mistakes cuz I have said and done a lot of things I regret. I’ve always tried to make things right and apologize and correct my behavior but maybe to the universe that isn’t good enough.

But even then even though it’s not an excuse most things I’ve said or done that have been wrong usually happened when I was hurt first by whoever it was or I saw them treating someone else poorly and that doesn’t make it okay obviously and it’s not an excuse but im just saying I’m not a vindictive person or vicious person purposely out to get people or harm people.

Most of the examples I can think of were several years ago anyway before I even knew these people. And usually if anything I may say something bitchy or mean after being provoked or backed into a corner (usually to my mom more than anyone) but like these people are acting like I was a threat to their safety… I am not this dangerous crazy person they’re making me out to be.

I cared so deeply for them I would have done anything for them and it makes me sick that I could care so much for people that could just so easily hurt me then move on like it’s nothing. I think the differences between me and them is that if I say or do something wrong whether I realizes it at the time or realizes it later I always feel deep regret and always always apologize and try to make it right. Whereas they are blaming me and making it seem like my justified hurt is irrational. Well her and not him because he still hasn’t said a damn word to me. Coward. God just the thought of him makes me sick. I can’t believe I used to think he was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. And that I used to think he was the one guy to treat me with respect despite seeing me at my worst (about 6 years ago) and even recently before all of this he wasn’t treating me any differently everything was fucking fine that’s why I don’t fucking understand!!! And like the fact that he knows too how scared I was of getting hurt and losing people….asshole. He knows I felt so much pain which I was why I went to the hospital which he was so supportive and sweet about but now I’m in worse pain than I was then and he’s nowhere to be found. But that’s the thing I never needed or wanted emotional support from him. I just enjoyed talking to him about books and music. It’s all just so fucked and in sick of it all

[cainightfics]

just wanted to say i really appreciate the way you portray tyrell in particular, it feels so close to canon. hes a very special character in that its clear hes not right in the head, and hes super destructive and pretty much brings on his own downfall, but theres something still relatable and sympathetic about him?? he always struck me as someone with a personality disorder tbh (i headcanon him as BPD). how do you approach his headspace? you seem to really get him

thank you! i rly appreciate hearing this. its funny because i actually do not relate to tyrell at all, id say we're complete opposites personality wise lol, yet somehow hes really endearing to me. ive always had kind of a soft spot for horrible yet pathetic people lol.

i definitely agree with you about him having bpd, or some other personality disorder. i’ve talked about it on here before, but i was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder last year. i’m honestly kind of anti psychiatry so i don’t really care for diagnoses and i don’t identify with the label at all, but i’ll admit, all of the symptoms and internal contradictions do fit me. i see szpd often described as the “opposite” of bpd: aloof, non-expressive, solitary, doesn’t care for external validation, very strong sense of self and extremely rich inner world coupled with complete disdain for reality, etc... whereas people with bpd compulsively seek out praise and a feeling of belonging, schizoids seek out isolation. schizoids are also often very paranoid and view relationships as a trap— even if they’re lonely and desire romantic love, they don’t want to be responsible for another persons happiness, and they don’t want to feel burdened by another persons emotional needs. while a borderlines response to stress is to split, a schizoids is to just withdraw completely. personally, i like interacting with people online because its easier for me to "escape" if need be. i find it really hard to connect with people offline. its kind of funny, because when it comes to shipping and fiction, im obsessed with love, but i feel almost incapable of romantic emotion in real life.

all of that being said, just because i have nothing in common with tyrell doesnt mean i find it hard to understand him! i basically see tyrell as a big five year old lol. intellectually, hes very clever, but emotionally, he tends to view things in black and white. he's very desperate for love and attention but cant find anybody who will give it to him. he wants to feel special and be surrounded by special people, but to do so, he has to change who he is. i think tyrell really idolizes elliot—he sees him as somebody unaffected by the more embarrassing emotions tyrell himself feels, like desperation, loneliness, low self esteem, etc. of course we know elliot feels these things too, he can just hide it better.

i think tyrell is the kind of person who will put up with basically anything so long as he thinks it will get him love and attention. it explains his relationship with joanna, his relationship with price, and his relationship with elliot/mr robot. hes very willing to be used and abused as long as it means somebody cares about him. thats why he asks elliot "did you ever care about me?" in s4e4. if elliot loves him, then everything hes done is okay—losing his son, losing joanna, blowing up the 71 buildings, ruining his own life, etc. i think tyrell doesnt really have a concept of personhood outside of how other people see him. he finds himself a role to fill and changes everything about himself to fit it. hes obsessed with what other people think of him because hes deeply insecure. i really wouldn't be surprised if he was emotionally abused/neglected as a child. i actually have a long one-shot im working on that will explore this possibility further.

anyway, to answer your question, i dont relate to tyrell, but i do find him somewhat easy to write, because his goal is always so non-complex: to be loved and feel special. couple that with the fact he has low empathy for 99% of humanity, and you have a disaster on your hands lol.

[snow-and-saltea]

aaaaaa had a rough couple of days. im gonna just start writing about them here under the cut so i can verbalize what i went through

i couldn't sleep well for the past few days, like running on naps and 2-3 hours of sleep or smth, and 2 or 3 days ago i crashed and slept for a full day. and i felt so guilty. it was funny because i wouldn't feel guilty if i was alone; i felt guilty bc i was afraid i was gonna get yelled at and stuff, smth abt not being able to win either way even if i do sleep or not, so i figure id better choose to not sleep and appear energetic, visible and action oriented so my mom doesnt figure out im slipping back into a breakdown

anyways. i remember being really weirded out bc ive always associated that heavy sleepiness with me taking my sleepy meds, which ive not been taking on purpose for a few months now (unless i really need them, once or twice a month randomly). so ive been just running on manic anxious energy just to keep myself appearing functioning so no one will have anything to criticise me for and i think i dipped so much into the manic i became extremely paranoid, being deeply misanthropic, hating my friends for not knowing how badly im hurting despite not telling them explicitly that im hurting, feeling alone and scared, easily scared and on edge from sounds and stuff, not being able to calm down and relax bc of the imagery in my head.

then i realised i was obsessively making myself feel paranoid by rereading texts, interpreting someone's probably innocent motives badly, etc etc. so i decided to uninstall the thing so that i physically would only be able to do that behaviour on my computer, which i rarely use to actually talk to people + me being tired makes me lazy to exert the energy to make conscious decisions to open the computer, type in my password, open the app, wait for it to load, and do the thing. theres a lot more steps in between so theres a lot more chances for me to turn away to do something different, and bc im already very tired just thinking of all those steps demotivates me from wanting to do it, even though my manic paranoid brain wants me to. self manipulation ftw

it was really hard to talk. it felt like everything i said or wrote came off as so flat and curt that i was always worried that i came off as angry bc i know how i usually sound more... energetic. or emotive. everything i say sounds sarcastic even though i mean in a neutral way, i just don't have the energy to consciously control my tone to make sure people know im harmless. i just don't have the energy to maintain social niceties bc it feels like there's so much information to juggle.

i think its also like. i mean ive talked about it in therapy before but i have some sort of... compulsion? or obsession? with being "consistent" in my personality or behaviour. means if i had a bad day i dont wanna behave like i had a bad day. i want to behave like nothing happened to me, because it feels too revealing and opens me up for targeted insults when i unintentionally let people know (through my behaviour) that im having a bad day, and in the case of my parents, itll devolve into them trying to fix me, feeling frustrated that they can't. so i just dont let them know so we don't have to reheat that soup again. i do that by appearing peppy, pretending ive got the message they were trying to teach me and learned the lesson, put myself down before they can, etc. and even just saying that and writing that down that my behaviours are intentional, i already feel So vulnerable bc it feels as though im now inviting scrutiny. i already feel like i want to fuss around w my fingers bc i want to do something. i feel so weird. i kind of want to crawl back into my skin

and im so sensitive to slights and any signal of rejection from friends that at any small sign i think someone doesn't really care but is being nice, i shut down. i think im quite sensitive to that. its so... difficult to let other people take care of me. to entrust themselves to their care, bc i worry that they're not going to care for me as much as i care for me in the places im tender at, and its really scary to just have to do that without any single preparation of what to do if i get my feelings hurt in the process but i feel like itll be insulting or disrespectful to the other person's efforts of helping me. bc i want to be nice to them. and reciprocate. but it's difficult. and i don't know what to do other than just try to see them in good faith cus beggars can't be choosers, so i cant comment on any care i get cus i don't get a lot of it. i guess

hmm. this is very uncomfortable to talk about. i feel very pathetic. but at least i put it out here so that's something i guess. writing all of this out, this really emphasizes the reason i can't talk to friends about it. its so heavy and intense. no one asked to carry that weight, not even me. how could i ever put this burden on someone else i care about. i think id rather die

sorry that was a shitty note to end on, i don't think i can force a positive conclusion out of this. my head hurts from crying so im gonna get some water

[moonlightcrusader]

Hi! Saw your message on prompt ideas. How about Doc Ock gets hurt protecting his spidersons and they don’t know how to feel about it! Doc reassures them that’s he doesn’t regret it though. 😭🐙🕷

OOOOH THATS A GOOD ONE!! AND ESPECIALLY SINCE THE PETERS ARE ALWAYS BLAMING THEMSELVES!! 😭😭😭 Otto could honestly stub his toe on a coffee table and they would apologize.

AND THANK YOU GUYS FOR THE PROMPTS!! You guys have sent awesome ones and I’m hoping to get to those soon!! I hope you enjoy!!

***

“Boys! Don’t worry about it, they’re just minor cuts.”

Otto swore he saw the Peters all glare menacingly at him, all of them gesturing to the bloody clothes and gauzes he’s used up for his wounds.

“You got hurt because of us,” Peter 2 sighed, gently pulling Ottos coat back on his body after they led him to sit on the couch. “This wouldn’t have happened if we were just more cautious…I’m so sorry Otto.”

“And you don’t even have advanced healing like us- what if those knives were a bit longer and a bit deeper?!” Peter 3 chastised. “You always tell me don’t downplay my injuries so you shouldn’t do the same, Doc.”

Peter 1 just nodded his head in agreement. “We could have jumped out of the way in time…”

Otto sighed, knowing how stubborn the Peters could be when they think everything is their fault. “I’m not downplaying because they aren’t terrible injuries, compared to minor paper cuts. I think you 3 are just being too paranoid.”

Otto heard a small hitch in breath and looked at all 3 spiders, who was looking at him like he just kicked down their sandcastle.

“We’re being too paranoid?” Peter 1 said with hurt in his voice.

“We’re just trying to make sure you’re okay…” Peter 3 mumbled. “We can’t..lose you too.”

Peter 2 just looked away.

Oh.

Otto sighed. He really was inconsiderate, was he?

He shook out of his trance to find the boys were now sitting far away from him.

Flo chirped. Father, they’re upset.

I know.

“Im sorry. I know you all are just looking out for my safety and health. Perhaps I’m just quite surprised you care for this old, cranky scientist.”

When the Peters didn’t react and simply just stared, the actuators wrote on a small whiteboard “VERY cranky 24/7” and brought the whiteboard to hover over Ottos head , his exasperated face completing the look.

That made the boys snort and he’s pretty sure he heard a giggle somewhere in there. The actuators then gently grabbed the boys by their waist and slowly hoisted them back to sit near Otto on the couch.

“I know im not superhuman, with super strength or sticky limbs, but I am a man who deeply cares about my children. I… didn’t mean to frighten any of you,” he took off his coat and gestured to the stitches.

“Just know that these stitches will always heal, I can always get new stitches and blood will replace itself. But I cant get replacement Peters.” He booped Peter 1’s nose with his gloved hands.

“And we can’t get a replacement Otto,” Peter 2 spoke up, gripping a bit tightly on Ottos coat. “You know we’d do the same for you, right? We would jump into a incoming wave of knives for you too.”

Otto couldn’t hold back a sigh. He knew they would do that for everyone because their hearts are just that big.

“And…we know you’ll do whatever to protect us. But, promise us you’ll be more careful. Please, Otto?” Peter 1 asked with a pleading tone.

The Peters just held a glaring, wet look. He really felt like he just kicked a cardboard box full of newborn puppies.

“I promise, only if you promise to go easy on that self sacrificing motif you all got going.”

The Peters all nodded and smiled.

“You gotta pinky promise so it counts,” Peter 3 held his out. The brothers took out theres, Otto chuckling at the childish but innocent gesture.

His heart may or may not have fluttered at how small and delicate their little pinkies were compared to his; or how desperate their tiniest finger held on to his slightly bigger pinkie.

Peter 2 was the last Peter to do the pinkie promise. “Thank you.” He whispered, a grateful, watery smile showing his gratitude.

I don’t regret what I did. I’ll do it again in a heartbeat Otto thought before encompassing all the Peters in a big hug.

[vampibutch]

me fending off all my bad intrusive thoughts, fueled by love from friends

[weebsinstash]

"Or I could be paranoid and he's just a lonely weirdo and I'm looking too deeply into it."

YOU'RE NOT LOOKING TOO DEEPLY INTO IT HE'S DEFINETLY A CREEP. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt!! He's an internet stranger!! Trust your gut!! You being nice is easier for him and it will just give you more anxiety as you keep talking!! Time to ghost him.

And here is my dumb fucking ass "yeah I'm psychologically analyzing this guy and I think its really weird he's asking me about my father" AS I THEN GIVE HIM UNNECESSARY DETAILS ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD, LIKE

I am a walking amalgamation of hypocrisy. I am just really. Ugh. I dont want to use a stuffy word like 'flabbergasted' but. I didn't. I didn't realize I was this bad. I didn't realize that I was capable of like, I don't know if I want to say "actively putting myself in danger" but, you kind of probably get what I mean right? This just kind of. Makes me concerned for myself lmao, like ACTUALLY no joke I find this entire interaction really disturbing. I am sitting here not feeling good about this and having every suspicion imaginable and here i am Still Fucking Talking To-- MY GOD HE NEVER EVEN VERIFIED HIS NAME. I brought up he never told me his name and I said something like "im assuming from your url thst your name is david?" And he never said yes or no so YEAH I DONT EVEN KNOW HIS NAME

Who tf asks for someone's phone number without even introducing yourself. And when he first started messaging me and asked for my phone number I told him that I wasn't super comfortable with that and "it sounds like you're trying to pick me up" and his literal response word for word is "so what if im trying to pick you up 😅😅"

god fuck shit piss I am going to beat my own ass why am I even doing this to myself. Fucking crazy. I think I am actually going fucking crazy. Time for the weed I meant to smoke out here in my ice cold garage SEVERAL HOURS AGO before I got distracted by This Absolutely Bizarre Adventure

[transmasc-wizard]

hellloooooo if u are okay with it i woul dlike to hear ur thoughts on the mandela catalogue speficially the paranoia parts

well its quite simple. i'd rather die than read/watch/listen to/etc anything involving a creature that theoretically has the capability to steal my exact identity and also wants to kill me!

jokes aside though ! cw discussions of paranoia and kind of like. unreality. LOTS of scopophobia (being watched) too. also brief mentions of suicide and sh. just in general... cw mandela catalogue subject matter lol

i genuinely do just get a bit mentally illnessy (of the intrusive thoughts variety) abt that identity type of stuff. i once blocked someone bc they had their birthday in their bio and it was close to my birthday + their name was nick or nicole or something. there was literally no logical reason for that action and im sure they were a nice person but i could not handle that <3 (they didnt know me anyway its fine). there are more examples but thats the first to come to mind. so, TMC's whole thing with the alternates.... yeah. not something that would be super smart to engage with.

that aside: i also dont do well with like. distorted Wrong face type things (unless they r hot. stares at michael distortion) like the ones that get shown in the thumbnails of the videos. i would provide an example but! that would mean i'd have to see one again! and i really really really do not want to do that! they also tend to very easily be added to the roster of "things i am convinced are Watching Me", which is not a list that has to get longer. im not sure if thats the intention of the faces, but it's definitely what they did to me.

im also really eugh when it comes to things that are capable of manipulating you into things like sh/sui. i tend to get very,,, not paranoid in *that* regard, but just. existential and anxious. about whether i have free will, as a person. whenever i think about it. and things that can torment you into that sort of thing really deeply scare me and also get me thinking about free will again!!!! which i dont like!!!!!!!!!!

also as a caveat. im also honestly not sure how the mandela catalogue would affect me right /now/. when i tried reading the transcript, i was..... not in a great headspace? i dont remember exactly when it was but i know it was not a fun time for the brain of nicola disaster. i was getting a lot of those "feeling watched" feelings in particular (like. "every time i look away there is a thing getting closer and closer and it wants to hurt me" level feeling watched), + some really gross intrusive thoughts & a swing around of more of Le Depression, so TMC was kind of feeding into a mindset that was more rickety than usual.