#i feel like im always talking abt it so why not u kno

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[rpgbabe]

im meant for the streets but like regarding friendship instead of romantic partnership lol. i feel like every time i have a friend they only like me bc i will actually give them my time and attention unlike other ppl but in the meantime theyre always looking for the next best thing like someone more interesting compatible fun spunky etc im just like a placeholder to come back to every time they realize their new recruit isnt gonna work out like ok back to harriet ig. idk im probably overthinking and it's just that i've never rly had a good friend to begin with so it's not that deep but it rly does feel sometimes like ppl only care about me when theyre not occupied with someone new. and at this point now i cant even bring myself to put in the effort with any friends i might make cuz im like ur prob gonna end up half-assing this too so why bother lol. but i feel bad then cuz its like how can u form a bond when ur not putting the time in but idk if i even care anymore i think more n more i just keep accepting im not meant to have friends i dont think my personality suits it anyway bc i lov being alone

[aihaitahm]

BLADE IS THE ONLY THING ON MY MIND RN CAN U PLS DO MODERN AU BLADE ON A LATE NIGHT MOTORCYCLE RIDE WITH READER I WOULD ACRUALLY DIE

modern au! various with gn! reader

my anons love blade 🙏ples dont die 😿 but i do not blame you at all i also want to add other chars in it too hope u dont mind anon<3

characters: blade, kafka, alhaitham

cw: suggestive. also im not really a tech person im sorry if i dont kno much abt motorcycles😭

biker! blade

you knew your boyfriend rode motorcycles and are a fan of it. you often bought him equipment during special occassions and he appreciates you for that. you found it really hot whenever he wore his gear and how majestic he looks whenever he removes his helmet, revealing his pretty face. you guys may or may not have done it on his motorbike.

he would try to convince you to ride with him. if youre scared he’d try to calm you down and drive in short distances. he loves the feeling of your fingers hugging his waist and feeling your warmth against him.

if you knew how to ride motorcycles, he would be very impressed and have fun with you. wouldnt be able to stop staring as you remove your helmet from your cute face. you suggested to match equipment and helmets but he was like “thats cringy” as he was picking matching equipment in the store with his cheeks going bright red.

hungry? need a snack or two? well thats when you usually both go out on late nights. its very peaceful and enjoys these rides with you more than anything else in the world. or when he wants to bring you to see the beautiful view of the city for your late night dates, this is a common occurence.

“what snack should we buy? something on your mind bladie?”

“you.”

“s-stop being cheesy. the light went green and focus on the road.”

model! kafka

you are her biggest fan. her only biggest fan!!!! you always go to her runway shows and you support her so much. she enjoys seeing you in the crowd and would maybe wink at you if she had the chance.

loves the privacy between you both. kafka can get easily burnt out if she has to be out for too long and paparazzi always up her ass. she recharges with you and she finds peace in you. would just lay in bed with you all day.

whenever she gets interviews, she always has the habit to mention you and to thank you. she really loves you afterall so you deserve it. she also goes pink when she talks about you and it is very noticeable on tv.

“ah my (name) always supports me and i love them the most.~ you should support them too!”

you are her personal photographer and she loves how you picture her. whether it was a serious picture or funny cute picture of her, she notices how you have multiple background themes just of her. she would return the favor too yk! would model you lingerie in private.

loves to dress you up or put makeup on you. would sit on your lap as she does your eyeshadow properly would kiss you on the nose if you stay still<3

would invite you to go on trips with her and would pay for you if needed. she is your /sugar mommy girlfriend after all and she would buy anything for you. or if you cant go, the type to bring you gifts home.

gamer! alhaitham

sorry… very self indulgent but he would play videogames to pass time or if they have interesting plots or characters. the type to hyperanalyze and make theories about the plots and be absolutely reasonable with them.

since he is known to always have headphones on, he usually would just play videogame music. LOL what a nerdy feeble scholar but anyway, he likes to listen to those while reading sometimes.

the type to play shirtless all the time. he notices you stare and would let you stare. he would tease you a lot too.

“you see something you like?”

“use your words.”

he doesnt rage but he does cuss under his breath and just groan. hes naturally good at everything so why cant he do this puzzle? he would ask for your help because sometimes, he misses on small details focusing only on the obvious ones.

loves when you watch him play or when you play together. he likes spending time with you even if you can be bad at games. he has an excuse to teach you. the type to put his hands over yours when hes trying to demonstrate something to you. (this is so hot i actually squealed >_<)

wouldnt neglect you if you ask him for attention! would pause the game and kiss you then resume. likes to place you on his lap and rest his chin on your head or shoulder while he is playing.

has a schedule with his books, studies/work, gaming and of course you. he does go out when his friends ask him though he’d rather bring you along because he misses you easily.

[sherrendipities]

lola's post fr has me thinking what kind of pet i ammmm 🥺 i always likened myself to a puppy bc when i get so excited n giddy (ie every time Daddy or Sir talk to me hehe) i Feel in my SOUL like a lil pup that's jumping on their owner in excitement. also tail wagging. if i had a tail she'd be wagging aggressively every time they so much as look at me !!

buuut. that said. hard agree with lola that i'd yellow at being told to bark. idk that's like. blegh :p doing it, i mean!!! i love seeing other adorable lil subs barking, but i think i'd just feel weird for me.

fetch is smthn i never even considered? i've always thought it'd be cute to be asked to fetch things for a Dom, just in the sense of being able to service them in day-to-day life. like if we're snuggling and you ask me to "be a good girl and fetch my phone/a glass of water/ etc," i'd jump up n be soooo eager to serve 💕 though if what ppl mean is the inherent act of playing fetch as erotic play then idk it'd feel silly and it'd take me out of the moment lol. i think it'd be super fun to watch another sub do it!!! ugh now i'm imagining laying my head on Daddy's lap, his hand gently petting my head, while he makes another of his subs play fetch hehe 🥰 one of our common friends is the world's cutest lil puppy (u kno who u are xoxo) and it'd be such an adorable look on her!!!

that said, i'm a giant cat person n i have some cat tendencies lol. genuinely the more im thinking of it the more im like ohhhh i rly am kitty. i could make a list fr. like hear me out:

nuzzlinggggg omg. yk how cats rub their cheeks on things incl their owners as a scent marking thing?? v me core. wanna feel his cock rubbing against my cheeks before i start licking n taking him into my mouth 🥰 but also i love love love hands cradling n caressing my face!!! i always thought of it as a hand fetish thing (it is lol) but it also lowkey feels like i'm a lil kitty getting her cheeks pet

i love making biscuits!! sort of lol. but fr one of my most frequently recurring fantasies is laying down with someone, our legs tangled together, my head in the crook of their neck, n my hand running up and down their chest 💕 n now that i think abt it, very kitty coded. we've all had a kitty snuggling us n started purring n making biscuits. bonus points that i dont scratch u while doing it (well, maybe a little if u want 😋)

i am a purring machine lol. am i vastly disappointed i can't make the exact sound of a purring cat? deeply. but when i'm rly relaxed n cozy n very horny, i have to actively hold myself back from mewling nonstop 🥺 just tiny lil whines every time i sigh out a breath. n i for one think i deserve sooo many pets n that i shouldn't have to suppress that urge ever !!!

i 1000% have the energy of a kitty that loves snuggling. like why would i sit anywhere except ur lap?? if ur sitting anywhere i'm right there fr.

last but not least is the obvious fact that i own multiple sets of kitty headbands lol. they're just so cute n i used to wear them out all the time !!! i have puffy curly hair n i always loved the look of two cute lil kitty ears poking out from the bushes hehe

bonus point: my aforementioned fav puppysub mutual n i are both Daddy's pets, n i think the image of Daddy owning a kitty n a puppy who like to play with each other is tremendously cute. i rest my case your honor.

[superdeluxeaverage]

I thimk megalopolis was one of the most shitass movies ive ever seen but im glad i saw it in theatres and am gonna see it again with my sister thursday like the best way to describe it would be that it feels like a bad adapatation of a book that doesnt exist there was so much straight up stupid moments in it it felt like unreal spoilers if any1 even gives a shit

Theres this scene where adam drivers gets shot but his face heals with the power of the megalon and he has his face in wraps and when he takes his wraps off and reveals his healing face it plays THE most generic indian and tabla musical cue that in no way matches with the rest of the soundtrack and puts this fucking snapchat ass filter where theres like doubles of him behind him to his left and right infinitely going abd i was like is this fuckinh chowder or some shit. Ill never say the movie was good tho cause theres something i see no one talking abt atleast on letterboxd presumably cause they love deepthroating autuer dick so much even (or especially) when they kno the auteur in question is a creep but there was this weird subplot where there was this pop star with a like "virgin teen" image and they leaked a sex tape of her and the main character so the main character was arrested for being a pedophile but then it was immediately after revealed that the tape was faked (?) (They never say how they just say it was faked) and that the pop star was actually not from america abd was in her 20s. This whole subplot is obv coppola trying to exonerate all his sex offender best friends and its such a gross kneejerk response like why say the tape was fake but then also say oh shes a bad person dishonest liar too lol. Then when its showing news reports of it it cuts to her lile having changed her image to a like pop punk image and making more sexually suggestive music instead of conservative clean music like b4 so its supposed to be like she just moved onto the next image unfazed cause shes a liar its such a cringe subplot and it happens in the span of like 15 mins and is never mentioned again and very clearly is just supposed to be a rebuttal to accusations and scandals sooo fkn embarrassing especially given the fact hes been trying to get this movie made his whole life LOL the two (yes 2) other women in the movie are also treated super sexistly like the main characters love interest has no personality aside from always standing behind her mans artistic vision and passion and "completing" him then the aubrey plaza character is just supposed to be the sexy woman who sleeps with any1 for power like coppola def most sexist guy alive ever the fact he made that movie dedicated it to his wife at the end yup this man is going to hell. Probably the hardest movie to talk abt cause its not u kno deserving of praise the only frame of reference is camp rly like in that same ballpark not so bad its good but just a very wtf type of movie. Im also scared cause shia labeouf was in this doing a type of scary dennis hopper character (coppola even saying working with him reminded him of hopper) and obv this film flopped and is not gonna make any1 famous since even the acting was p bad from every1 or just v disconnected and unrelatable on a human level but watching this has me worried that labeouf is gonna thrive with piece of shit directors by using the dennis hopper/klaus kinski method of having ppl praise ur "energy" when its just that u only take roles where u play sadistic fucks cause ur a sadistic abusive fuck so ppl get convinced ur a great actor when ur not even acting.

[jakowskis]

Day 23 - Discuss Tosh. Opinions? Favorite moment? Least favorite moment? Any unpopular opinions? Any fun headcanons?

tosh my babygirl my princess light of my life angel darling… shes so good. shes so good 🥺 i love her dearly. she’s so damn underutilized i hate how the show regulates her to a supporting role + only uses her for romantic plots. WACK shes so much more than that. i want a plotline about her cyberterrorism like hello??? i want a plotline about her warped little mind.. i want a plotline about her finally learning spanish ;-; that show did not do her justice and it did not deserve her. i often say torchwood’s characters are too good for the show; tosh is probs the best example of that. no other character gets screwed over as badly as she does by the narrative (not even ianto!) she’s so tragic and lonely i just wanna give her the biggest hug ever. 

fav moment… every time she smiles. (or smirks. hrgh. tosh call me.) also every time she geeks out about smth. im tryna think of a specific moment but idk if i have one?? i just love her overall i smile every time she’s on screen she’s my girlie. when i rewatch i might rmr one though

least favorite moment, the absolute only thing i can think of (hell, my only complaint with her as a character other than i wish she’d get over owen cuz bad taste queen pls u deserve sm better) - it’s always bothered me how she goes over to owen’s flat in aditd and just starts babbling about her own problems. she even says something like “you think everything’s about you”, and in that ep it’s like ??? why are they all acting like he’s unjustified being miserable and angry when he's fucking dead?? like they're all so unsympathetic and mean, even tosh, and out of her it's especially weird?? tbh it just strikes me as ooc (+ kind of misogynistic highkey) writing. i mean, by all means, let tosh bitch, she deserves to blow off some steam + esp deserves to be rude to owen tbh fhsdkjfsd, but the way it’s done in that particular moment feels ooc and, like, how men write women as talking too much and never listening lmao u kno what i mean (owen’s tuned out in the actual episode but you can see her full ramble in the original script, on page 23). tosh has never troubled anyone with her issues before, why would she choose now to, and when she knows owen’s struggling? yeah, on second thought, i don’t hold that against her actually, that’s ooc to me fhdkf. thts just the writer being a wiener.

my only unpopular opinions (slash hot takes) are that 1) towen fucking SUCKS get her away from him, and 2) most people like tosh but she’s highkey underappreciated, esp in fanfic, because of fandom racism + misogyny. she’s not bashed like gwen is but she’s ignored completely which is nearly as bad, and a lot of it’s cuz she happens to be in a show with two white men in a gay relationship who are overwhelmingly prioritized 💀 i will never not be petty about the way that ship dwarfs everything else in comparison. also throwing towen into the background of janto is so gross n cheap. if ppl cared abt her they'd do smth more interesting. and it's never well-done either. ugh.

i have a few hcs that are gonna end up in my owento verse (gwen and tosh are prominent characters in it bc i love them, and their relationships w owen and ianto and each other also have value lawl). tbh a lot of em are just things i think they should introduce into their lives to be happier. i want them happy ;-;

she starts coding video games recreationally!! nothing fancy but she rlly enjoys it + also gets into the swing of making little storylines n getting to express herself that way which is good for her. owen playtests shit for her

her and gwen go on spa dates sometimes. they put it on the torchwood credit card

she gets into fish tanks and fish tank care!!! esp like aquarium plants. shrimp and moss balls, that sort of thing. maybe plecos or loaches. she loves it + it’s grounding, which is good for her bc shes otherwise always got her head in her computers yanno. she’ll sit by her tank while she codes her games and the water sounds are calming. 

she also sits by it while she studies her spanish books which she does finally do. she doesn’t get around to the piano, though; doesn’t prioritize buying a keyboard. maybe one day (this is a nobody dies au btw so she will in fact eventually get around to it ;-;)

oh she’s autistic have i said that. the fish tanks absolutely become a spin. she has a few we know of from canon - math and computers, obviously, but also history (gbg) and the uk’s rivers (from gooseberry; i think it was just the uk maybe it was europe’s rivers. or the world’s! i don’t remember). she also loves trivia like she knows a fair amount about quite a lot of things + loves accumulating random info

lowkey also. giving her a kitty. i think tosh should have a lil fuzzy kitty to keep her company 

well this is smth from my owandy verse but i think it should happen anyway. so it kind of kicks off bc gwen mixes up a blind date (it was gonna be tosh & andy and then owen & a friend of hers, but shes an adhd icon n bungles the invites <3)... tosh ends up with gwen’s friend, who’s straight, but they hit it off and she invites tosh to have drinks or maybe come to a bookclub meet or something with some friends of hers?? point is, tosh makes some casual friends. maybe meets a pretty girl there or smth 👁️ but mainly i want tosh to have girl friends like i think she grew up very lonely i want her to have some normalcy

also sometimes i like tosh x andy maybe they have a little meet cute at a torchwood crime scene or smth fshdkfd. i think they’d be cute and he’d treat her well. she'd babble abt tech stuff and he wouldnt understand a damn word but he'd listen very intently

i also like tosh x ianto for similar reasons. i think it’d be a kind of friends to lovers sitch... they should just be close in general tbh, platonically or not yanno, and in my owandy verse i like the idea of smth kicking off between them i just think theyd be so sweet

she’s a very sleepy drunk and also a lightweight. if the team goes out to drink she’ll get two glasses of smth moderately fruity and then fall asleep against someone’s shoulder it’s very cute (this is just cuz i like the idea of a sleepy tosh 🥺 my baby my baby shes so precious to meee)

[amiibo-king]

u kno i think ive figured out why the constant infantilization and misgendering of felix from the fandom really irks me, besides just my own personal feelings of relating to him. bc like up until now ive had the attitude of "the way fandom (and even canon to some degree) talks abt felix causes me incredible personal discomfort and is kind of triggering to a degree that makes me avoid the tags due to the similarities it has with the real oppression i face, but hes not even canon trans, so its hard to claim that its real transphobia, and while it sucks i have to avoid tags and be selective abt who i follow back in the fandom, at the end of the day hes not real and he cant be harmed by misgendering and infantilization, and all i can do is avoid tags and direct fandom interaction and maybe complain once in a while on my blog"

and i still take that attitude in the sense that i cant rly control what other ppl do (nor do i want to) and at the end of the day he is a fictional character and not canon trans. but ive been archiving tweets from the last legacy twitter, (because i am always a slut for preservation) and i was reminded of the.. incredibly transphobic "mpreg felix" "jokes" that the original LL writers used to make on the LL social medias. and it made me realize. felix is very heavily trans coded. to a degree that i think its entirely plausible that the only reason he *isnt* canonically trans is because the LL team realized that if felix was canonically trans, it would open them up to criticism of the way hes handled as representation, and that the constant infantilization and jokey misgendering towards a canon trans character would be a Bad Look as they say. so they opted to make his (good) dad canon trans instead. but they left all the trans coding in, and all the infantilization and jokey misgendering, and i guess lacked the self awareness required to realize that transphobic jokes dont suddenly stop being transphobic when theyre targeted at cis men. so they still went ahead and made mpreg jokes about him on the social medias. and of course the fandom does it too because the canon encourages it, and because hes not canon trans nobody bothers to examine it

idk where im going with this post. i just felt the need to talk about it because it leaves a bad taste in my mouth

[windmills123]

intrigued by what u love most abt yume nikki

like what made u go "oh damn this game is SUCH A GAME"

if u kno what i mean?

im glad you asked. well... holy fuck, i could talk about yume nikki for hours!! but... if i had to summarize it down, heere are some points:

its yume nikki!!! such a unique and different game from anything ive seen, even with its fangames. well if you look back at the gaming scene in 2004, then something like an rpg maker game thats NOT an rpg and actually a weird surrealism thingy was kind of crazy. it does seem to be inspired by the mother series, which has a lot of weird artsy stuff and also lsd dream emulator, also a game where you walk in dreams, which is self explanatory. also it utilizes rpgmaker mechanics in SUCH mindblowing ways, it doesnt even feel like it was made with it. it flows VERY well for a 2004 indie game.

the atmosphere and theming is so awesome. the NPCs who are completely indifferent to you, the worlds all connectin g together, etc. also, the art and music is really charming in kind of a nostalgic way, the aztec inspirations for the npcs, all the different sights and how desolate and lonely it feels, yet kind of still comforting. you know?? like the dreamworld is an escapism for madotsuki, but she still cant escape the horrors of reality..............

3. every part of it is very mysterious. a whole intigue of the game for many people has been what the dreams are really about!! of course there is also the developer kikiyama, who theres practically 0 info on. even though obviously people should respect their privacy, people still wonder what happened or why the game never got finished. i hope they're well....

4. the fanbase of yume nikki is one of the most cool ones ive seen. its one of those old fandoms from back in the 2000s that never stopped going, like touhou.. you can find a lot of old short little animations of yume nikki. theres the big viewed ones, but also ive found really obscure ones with under a 1000 viws, which shows how much people cared about it. even though the game was seen as dark, they were often really wholesome. theres also yume nikki fansites from back then, and a lot of cool fanart. even though the fandom was fairly small, its kind of like a window to how different the internet used to be. now its even more popular with internet horror stuff being more noticed recently.

its just really kind of heartwarming that so many people connected with a short game about isolation and anxiety posted on some forum site back in 2004 by an unknown person, i think.

5. the fangames!!!!!!!! there are so many fangames for this game, all because people liked the idea so much, hundreds of them wanted to try making one. ynfgs are always really charming to play, however none of them compare to yume 2kki ( the big one). its the closest ive ever felt to going to another world in a video game, even more than yume nikki itself.

because so many people have worked on it, 2kki has an endless seeming amount of content which is pretty awesome. some people think its incoherent because of how big the game is, but it always made it feel more like a dream to me. especially like one you would have as a child, falling asleep while being driven home from a birthday party or something like htat. fun fact: 2kki got started in 2007, before the final yume nikki update, which means there is a chance kikiyama might have even played it, which is pretty crazy...

well, thats my rambling about my favorite things about yume niki! lol i think thats too much text, oops. well, high five if you actually read that................. <:,-]

[burning-sol]

gosh outing myself as not being a fan of egg jokes. im not a true tranny and r being kicked out as we speak... ig im so uncomfy becauze idk we always talk abt how we should always believe what someone identitifies as and its not our business to gatekeep who is trans.. but then ppl turn around and think its okay to gender someone as trans who doesnt want to identify that way. its been pointed out that cis ppl too can experience gender dysphoria, so do u think a person's discomfort is funny so long as they're not trans? why does being trans change things.

not to mention that the concept of an "egg" in the first place.. idk, i just dont like defining other ppl's experiences for them. some ppl are judt trying to be nice like "its okay, i kno u were alwayd trans.." but you dont know that. i dont want someone to assume what my experience is with my transness. maybe i was a boy who realised he was enby all along, or maybe i was girl and one day i woke up and decided to be something different. u get what i mean? i think some of u are just assuming everyone becomes trans the same way, when the point of being queer is that there IS no unifying way to be queer.

maybe im just overreacting, i know ppl are just trying to joke around and not all trans ppls sense of humour is the same. but i still feel like sometimes y'all push it too far and assume things u shouldnt.

[dollfaceksj]

First off I’ve never mentioned it but the way you sign off “clover over” is literally so cute & clever!!! Anywayyyyyy omfg #9 ??!??!? Yesssss ty for evening the scoreboard !! The way she teased him in the end was so hottt like I feel like I should write that line down for future references bcs in real life????? I probably would’ve folded fr. I’m glad he took accountability though but if I was oc I would’ve been a bit cautious bcs a few drabbles ago he said something along the lines of “I’m always at taes in hopes of seeing your pretty face” & then admitted he only wanted to see if she’d fall for it when our clever queen confronted him .. so I’d still be side eyeing him, but that’s just my trust issues talking. Ik this is a jk x oc fic but omggggggg Yoongi????? HES SO FUCKING SWEET!! Likeee I feel like he’d have to do something real shitty for me not to want them together anymore bcs he’s just too perfect omg🥲🥲 it’s sorta like a love triangle rn & im wondering how yoongis gonna phase out. If it’s not obviousss, I really loved the update, can’t wait for more <3

WHEN I ASK YALL ‘tell me what u think abt the update’ THIS IS WHAT IM TALKIN ABT!!! these types of asks are really why i do what i do like i love this sm 😭😭😭

thank u sm! yes clover over is my little thing <33

and yea i totally agree with the side eyeing jk part! which is why i was kind of rooting for DECLINE to win the poll like just let him work a bit harder for it u kno😭 but yes! i wouldn’t have thrown that shady line from him in there abt ‘seeing thru his bullshit’ if it didnt mean anything more so you’d be right to question him…

AAA SAME!!! and since it’s improv i have no idea as of now how to solve that 😭😭 i’ll find something though like i always do 😋😋😋😋

i’m so glad u liked #9 and i hope u look forward to #10 <3333

[tinybitofhope]

my life rant bc i need this of my chest xxx (ill divide into paragraphs)

okay so the reason i think im aroflux is bcuz i dont feel attraction duh. but fr cuz i need to get this out. saw this one post abt leo valdez and it was like percy telling leo abt what his luv for annie feels like and leo was like ‘ya ill get crushes but i wont find luv bc i am fire and fire burns out and cannot be contained’ and shit like that and i was like…. crap. uhm i relate to that a bit too much. ik im young but like.. my crushes rlly js feel like interests and spending too much time w them. also idek if my most recent sapphic crush was rlly a crush or if i was js tryna prove it to myself im rlly bi. anyways back to my aro rant. and sometimes when i see people in luv im like ‘lmao couldnt be me’ like… okay next rant

omg so i used to be always happy for little and big things but like…. my vball tournament was yesterday and we won against our best opponent but i didnt feel happy??? like i barely even cried. i mean im glad we won but it feels like im holding smth that i like in my hands but js not enjoying ig??? i feel vv empty rn and i dont like the feeling of that but then again thats how ive been feeling for a while so im trying to ignore it.

its so sad on how i keep being friends w him (ill name him kris) even tho he literally outed me, but this is such a small skl and i dont think i could ever leave my friend. tbh loyalty is a big thing for me, ever. thats why it hurts so much when i think about everyone having someone except for me. its like being the third wheel in every single relationship (familial, friendship) i have with anybody. anyways i rlly have to stop being friends w people who wronged me but when i think abt them i think abt all the good times w them and then think that they (alliteration) could still be my friend. but like i said before its a small skl and everyone knos eachother…

back on that third wheel thing, like i said b4 loyalty is big for me. so when someone betrays me or like leaves me out i get soooo anxious and start going into frenzies like ‘oh ofc theyre hanging out together’ bc now my trio feels like m&a plus me. and everyone has their pair they talk to all the time, so what abt me? nonzo. its so hard during family shit bc im the middle child whereas there is only two children in each family and somim stuck w the older cousins (dw i luv em) but like… i feel so out of place.

i hate hate hate doing big things and then right after i have to go socialize? like no.. im tired asf. sometimes talking makes me want to cry and hide ipunder my sheets and scroll on pinterest while listening to my peaceful playlist. and it sucks bc i share a room w my sister and so i cant even do that in peace. i turned off my crying mode aswell and i dont kno how to turn it back on so at most i can shed a few tears so thats not fun. bc yknow how people say ‘crying is good for u’. me rn: 🤠

so what did we learn? that my life sucks ass and i want to curl up and die. and on that happy note goodbye!!!

[videostak]

p sure my moms drunk tonight T-T or atleast being weird and slurring her speech a lot idk its hard to tell anymore tho i dont kno when she wouldve even got stuff i guess she went w/ my younger sister and her friend to the grocery store so maybe then? idk tho i feel like she didnt but shes def weird she came into my room earlier to try to tell me that she was gonna give me a 50$ a week allowance for the errands i constantly have to do and i was just like umm no we should talk abt this another time. i hate it cause that seems normal enough and soemthing someone would totally accept until u realize its more hush money than anything and her just trying to pay me off to put up w/ the way she is its like annoyyying and also 2 our family is like not doing good on money i mean we’re still getting by but like kinda always  have to be careful and for my mom to just throw that at me is insane. like makes me wonder why shed even do that then next day warn us all that things are gonna be tight w/ money lol and then like if i were to have taken the money (im not going to obv) but if i did she’d then like hold it against me if i ever call her out on her shit like act like i have to be grateful sooo ya. i hate the way my mom is cause like on days like this when i just have to do shit nonstop she praises me endlessly but then the moment i voice my problems she threatens to kick me out and acts like im the most ungrateful slob of all time. genuinely hypocritical like she really tries to gaslight me into thinking i do absolutely nothing around the house anytime i get annoyed that no one helps around and that im the one who gets chewed out for the house being a mess but then once the dust settles and i havent complained for a week or month or so then she tries to give ME big lectures on how grateful she is and how ia always do stuff w/o complaining and how she wants to send me large amounts of cash to keep up the good work it just makes me siiiick. like makes me feel like frowing up. anyways idk me driving and everything like being able to drive my siblings places normal style and also me hoping i can go to the movies w/ my mom like that independence makes it not feel as crushing as it used to. and like ill have to see how this record store thing goes and if not i can find a job somewhere hopefully soon. thinking abt how transparent my moms intentions are sometimes makes me reallly feel sick tho but like ultimately it doesnt seem to affect me as much as it used to like idk it means nothing to me cause i dont have to rely on her and have gotten better at standing my ground more often both w/ her and w/ my dad and realizing how useless it is to pick sides or to even defend someone in dishonest ways etccc excited to watch playtime tomorrow hopefully idk im gonna go to the mall then watch playtime the criteiron dvd then the brazilian one and see if anythings different in like quality n stufff. and also wanna watch lovers live :)

[borderline-gays-club]

WOOO just went on a date with a potential sub and it actually went well!!!? I was pleasantly surprised how compatible we were at least so far. And he’s a good kisser thank god lol. And my age for once lolllll. Also he was kinda dorky in a very cute way and def subby but never had the chance to explore that. And also the fact that he was making my pussy wet just talking was a good sign. AND AND I felt attracted to him not bc of my toxic attractions but on a basis of respect and aspects of him that are not gross.

Like my biggest thing (the ppl I’d b obsessed with) were much older men who were practically losers. And guess wat, this shit is cus of my dad like ew. Cus he’s an old man who’s a loser so of course my BPD brain is like yes this is familiar so u need it. And yah I didn’t feel this way at all towards him. God . Mayb I can date without feeling fucking crazy.

I’m really hoping that pursuing this (very fuckin slowly) will help me not b obsessive over my coworker. I really think this will help at least to lessen the obsession. Plus knowing why Im going thru this specific obsession helps too. Bc basically the biggest things that have lead me to b obsessed is the fact that he’s mysterious (so I don’t kno a lot of information which makes it easy to project wat I want), he honestly has kinda…daddy vibes lmao, he’s serious but playful, and of course the biggest thing is he plays cat and mouse and gives me attention. Cus also I kno limerance stems from the not knowing. Like having things kinda up in the air without knowing where it’s going which is why the highs r so high and the lows so low.

My biggest concern rn is that I’ll get obsessed with this new guy but at least right now i feel like I won’t? Mostly bc im not leaving any room for ambiguity in the relationship. Like the main focus is a kink relationship/being play partners, and I’m not trying to like build a future with him or anything of that sort. And if I put strict boundaries for myself, then I can go abt it without moving too fast which has always been a problem. If we communicate consistently and I actually get to kno him as a full person I fuckin pray to god I won’t transfer my obsession to him. Also im making it a point to have multiple ppl im dating and not like focus in on just one person. I really feel like im just experimenting to figure out the best way to not feel insane all the time LOL.

I guess we’ll see how this all plays out 🤷🏻‍♀️

[yukippe]

what if i made a ghibli server

[liarsweapon]

things that still get me years later: when ex friend tried mansplaining an epipen to me as i was telling the story of when i was 12 or so and had to use it bc my relatives are idiots

[winking]

😬