#to stop villainizing me for something you did and be lied about and insulted daily mgm

[liarsweapon]

things that still get me years later: when ex friend tried mansplaining an epipen to me as i was telling the story of when i was 12 or so and had to use it bc my relatives are idiots

[m-y-fandoms]

COMMISSION: Kokichi Ouma x Female Reader - Love-Hate Relationship

Thank you to my patron/client! Kokichi is always fun to write

Summary: Kokichi starts to fall for the only person in the killing game who likes him. His best friend is always on his side and has true feelings for him both platonically and romantically, but will he ruin everything with his harsh words and lies?

Friends to Enemies back to Friends to Lovers LMAO - ANGST and FLUFF

Warnings: Vulgar Language, otherwise SFW - Admin Myah

Word Count: 5.1K words 

When it all began, people didn’t like Kokichi. (Y/N) found this little fact out quite quickly. It was quite obvious. He was loud, and obnoxious, and stubborn, and whiny, and a great many other negative adjectives one would use to describe, say… an elementary school student.

 But! … he was also a great many other amazingly fantastical things, such as cunning, intelligent, hilarious, perceptive, adorable. These were the things (Y/N) saw in him, these and a lot more endearing qualities, these things the others seemingly refused to see in him. Even the more intelligent and reasonable of her peers, such as the intuitive detective Shuichi Saihara or the studied anthropologist Korekiyo Shinguuji could admit Kokichi was intelligent, but not much else. (Y/N) didn’t understand it. She truly didn’t think Kokichi was all that awful. Why weren’t they seeing what she saw? From the moment they all arose, groggy and confused in that eerie gymnasium together she knew he would be something special, someone to watch. She had a gift for reading people like that: their souls, their intentions, their true talents.

 The two of them, in time, had even started to become friends where he had none, and she essentially became his only link to the rest of the students. It would often go something like this: 

 Kokichi would reveal something critical, something hidden or potentially deadly that they all must know.

Kokichi, being the stubborn ass that he was, would lie about the details, or the information altogether, switching facts around and embellishing the story with fictional bits and bites.

The other Ultimates would ignore him, call him a liar, engage in some petty squabble.

(Y/N) would vouch for the little lord of lying, and the group would reluctantly scrounge up enough good faith to believe the pair.

 In times like those, (Y/N) would often chastise the tiny tyrant, forever asking him why he couldn’t just play nice and help the group out of the kindness of his heart?

 There was always some nonsensical, facetious, nonchalant response.

 And without fail, the more outspoken students would try to talk some sense into (Y/N), asking her why she put up with him, why she even tried to get to know him, why she liked him.

 But it was no use, she was drawn to him, and there was no stopping or changing it. (Y/N) was always one to latch onto the people who piqued her interest, who plucked her heartstrings, be it romantically or platonically. She found herself enraptured by his mind at first, then his looks, then the way he spoke, and more specifically... the way he spoke to her. 

 Yes, despite what the others thought, she found herself always defending him, and then, she found herself falling for him.

 And he would never in his life admit it, but he was starting to fall for her, too. 

 When the killing game first started, the others thought of him as a brat, just a nuisance. They ignored him and at worst, they told him off like the annoying kid on the playground. Back then, she would still hang out with him, ignoring his teasing jabs or even jabbing back. He found himself surprised with her comebacks and playful insults at times. 

 She was always around, and would never abandon him, a fact he most definitely took advantage of, for when the first killing happened, when Rantaro was taken from them and the killing game transformed from a hypothetical danger into a very, very real one, people started doubting and turning on each other. At that moment, he also was transformed in their mind. He was no longer a brat, he was becoming a villain and potential threat. People were choosing sides, forming cliques, trios, duos, going solo, and so on. 

 And she was always on his side.

 When it came time for their terrified little class of ultimates to enter the trial grounds for the very first time, her podium was directly across from his, as if by fate. Kokichi didn’t believe too much in fate… but he didn’t mind getting a perfect view of her all trial long. He found out quickly that he may come to regret the placement, however, as it also gave her a perfect view of him, and she was no fool like the rest of them. She would watch his expressions, catch the smallest twitch of his lip or raise of his brow. Much like Shuichi, she was one of the only ones who could study his words and actions and weed out the lies… at least most of the time. She wasn’t afraid to call him out on it, and she knew the tone of his voice better than anyone else there. She was making it terribly difficult for him to confuse others, extend the trial, stir up some fun… and he liked that about her. Someone who could keep up with him was certainly not boring… and extremely attractive.

 Even with so many people against him, dismissing both his lies and truths, verbally attacking him, she would hear him out, and by the end of it all, the innocent got out alive. The thrilling and bone-chilling trial ended with a correct verdict. Without their teamwork, even with Shuichi’s genius, it may not have been so.

 With the first trial’s conclusion, Kokichi’d made up his mind to stop simply admiring her and actually get to enjoy that not-boring personality to the fullest. That’s the most he’d give her: that she wasn’t boring, unlike the rest of them. Grabbing her hand, he whisked her away to uncover the newest research labs that Monokuma’d allowed them access to. They inspected them all top to bottom, together as a team. They eventually would do this to every unlocked location in the academy, making short work of the campus while harassing each other, badgering and bantering, hurling insults the entire time. She was the only one he couldn’t exhaust. Just when he began to think it might be a tad bit more romantic to pull some punches for her sake, he discovered he didn’t have to. She’d punch back, and just as hard.

 In fact, he liked her so much, that when his poor classmates were subjected to the horrendous Insect Meet-and-Greet event, she was personally invited by Ouma himself, and not hauled over Gonta’s gentlemanly shoulders and carried, or worse, knocked the fuck out only to wake up surrounded by bugs.

 “How charming,” she teased, rolling her eyes as he stood in the frame of her dorm room’s door.

 “Yeah, you should feel pretty special! I wasted precious energy coming down here to ask you to come!” He exhaled loudly, far too proud of himself.

 “Well, as much as I’d love to be covered in roaches and piss myself when beetles attempt to crawl into every orifice on my body, I can’t. Again, love to, truly, but-”

 “Awwww! But we hang out every night! And you’re lying! You’re never busy you dirty, rotten, lying loser! Who else hangs out with you beside me?! What else do you have to do if it doesn’t involve me? Your life’s a yawn unless I plan your daily itinerary!” He huffed, crossing his arms with a small stomp of one foot. “Gosh, I hate liars!” He pouted.

 “Pout all you want, I’m not going to your bug fest. I hate bugs.”

 “Wait ‘til Gonta hears about your very controversial opinion!” Kokichi gasped, feigning absolute shock.

 “You wouldn’t...” her eyes widened, knowing instantly that she’d fucked up. He didn’t reply, but simply smirked, an evil, plotting, crooked grin creeping across his visage. She sighed deeply, head hanging in defeat.

 “Be my date?” He held out a hand, wiggling his fingers temptingly. Her head shot up, an uncomfortable, flustered warmth running through her cheeks and to the tips of her ears. He caught this immediately, as he caught most changes in the air, and his face twisted into an equally awkward expression for a split second before his brow furrowed and he snarled. “Hurry the fuck up, shithead! You know what I meant! Let’s go or I’m having Tarzan put your ass to sleep!” He spat, and she simply giggled, grabbing his hand before being pulled off.

 “Your date huh? I can’t think of anything I’d love more than some worms in my shoes.”

 ♡

 That morning when they awoke, Ryoma was gone, stolen away in what they assumed was either the night or the early morning. Kokichi was usually very much unfazed, desensitized to most shock and awe in life, but this time… it was different. He was upset, and visibly so, stomping around the crime scene like a child, brooding.

 It wasn’t the loss of a Ryoma, nor the gore and tragedy of the scene that had him so agitated, it was her reaction to it. (Y/N) wore her heart on her sleeve, and she wasn’t afraid to cry in front of others, so it was no surprise that she was in tears now. She’d cried over both Rantaro and Kaede’s deaths, but that was different. Kaede was a girl, and he didn’t care about (Y/N) enough back when Rantaro was killed to be jealous of her tears, but now… he was practically green.

 (Y/N) had actually been pretty close with Ryoma. Like she did with most people, she dug past Ryoma’s appearance and the story he wanted everyone to know, and what she found was a pretty amazing guy. She wasn’t as close to him as she was to Kokichi, but still…

 These weren’t tears of horror from seeing a dead body, or of witnessing a young person’s life cut short. They were tears of mourning the loss of a close friend, and Kokichi was positively boiling.

 By the time he’d managed to cool himself down while effectively hiding his meltdown from the rest of them, (Y/N) had wandered off to start the investigation and avenge her friend with Shuichi. Yeah no, that wasn’t going to happen. She was quickly swept away to start their own little search party. The two of them, the way it was supposed to be. Of course, he would never say all of these embarrassing thoughts aloud. He’d make up some stupid excuse for why she just had to come with him. But it wasn't personal, and he didn’t care about her.

 He didn’t

 He. Didn’t.

 Did he...?

 ♡

 When it came time for the second trial, Kokichi made sure to make fun of (Y/N), calling her a crybaby, mocking her “endless blubbering” and all the valuable time she wasted doing it. He tried desperately, now at war with his own heart and values, to convince himself she was nothing to him, that she was just another pea-brained opponent in this death game, that she was a source of entertainment at best, and nothing else.

 “Shut the fuck up, Miu, nobody wants to hear that gross shit! Cream your pants later!” (Y/N) spoke across the circle to the blonde exhibitionist with a scowl on her face. Miu, in response, shriveled and whined. Kokichi couldn’t help but crack a smile. That was one of the things he loved about (Y/N), how she put people in their place.

 What?! Shit, no! Not loved… I mean she was cool, but... not - his mind raced, trying to shake himself back to the place he wanted to be. Shit!

 The trial went on, and with every word she worsened the self-made conflict within him.

 “How could you say that Kaito?!” (Y/N) howled at the Ultimate Astronaut, who was taken aback by her anger. Kokichi, too, found himself taken aback. Kaito was the “good guy”, the macho action hero, the protagonist’s best friend. While many called Kaito names, dismissed his ridiculous ideas, and even told him he was plain stupid and wrong at times, no one ever truly challenged the trusted hero duo that was Shuichi and Kaito, and certainly not with such unbridled anger. “You must have no idea what it’s like to go through depression, to not see the point in living anymore! How dare you speak ill of Ryoma?! How dare you say he used to be your hero?!” She knew what it was like, those dark thoughts Ryoma must’ve been having for years.

 Kokichi watched her, like a spitfire, a firecracker. He forgot all about his decision to let her go, to stop interacting with her altogether after today, and couldn’t help being pulled in. They spent the rest of the trial working as they usually did: together, as a team. He spoke up more, and they teased each other, flirting harmlessly and carrying on.

 And the others were starting to notice…

 “Man, can’t you two save it for when you’re alone?! Damn! I can practically see you undressing each other with your eyes, bleh!” Miu gagged before letting out one of her infamous cackles. (Y/N)’s face ran hot, instinctively leaning back on her podium. Her bottom lip caught itself between her teeth, at a loss for words as she met Kokichi’s gaze.

 “Yeah right, as if! I’d love to be discussing with literally anyone else here but you guys all have the personality of dirty pond water…” Kokichi sighed defensively, looking at his nails as if Miu’s words meant nothing to him. 

 (Y/N) knew how he was, she knew harsh words and lies were his coping mechanism, but she couldn’t help the way her shoulders sunk.

 ♡

 Despite her hurting heart, when Kokichi - the shit-stirrer that he was - revealed Maki’s truth to the group after Kirumi’s execution, (Y/N) was the only one to throw herself between them, prying Maki’s hands from her best friend’s throat.

 “Fuck, now she’s out here tryna die for this asshole!” Miu crowed. “HA HA! They’re definitely fuckin’!” She held her stomach, practically in tears from her laughing fit.

“Shut up! Just shut up!” (Y/N) pushed past the crowd, tired of them, tired of the humiliation, tired of Kokichi, tired of all of it. She left the trial room, running all the way and not stopping until she was locked up in her room.

 After the public embarrassment and Kokichi’s heartless dismissal of their… complicated relationship, maybe….

Maybe now it was her turn to cut him off.

 ♡

Days passed and she refused to see him. She stayed locked up in her room at night and avoided him during the day, well... avoided him as best she could. Kokichi wasn’t one to be ignored if he didn’t want to be. He persisted, harassing and tracking her around, begging her to talk to him, to play, to prank others with him, to investigate the new research labs, but she simply pretended he wasn’t there. It hurt, it really hurt to shut him out, but to go on with him acting like she didn’t matter in public and then deciding she did in private hurt even worse. Her loyalty could only go so far. She wouldn’t allow him to mess with her heart any longer… or so she thought.

 ♡

Hours before the third trial was to commence, (Y/N) found herself outside of Korekiyo’s research lab when what looked like a walking corpse stumbled by. She cried out, running over to a dazed Kokichi, bumbling about light-headed and pale, with fresh blood running freely down his head.

 “Kokichi!” Her feelings be damned! She couldn’t just sit there and watch him suffer or worse. Who knew how much blood he’d already lost? Crazed with worry, she threw his arm over her shoulder, looking around frantically wondering why no one else had noticed him yet.

 The answer was simple: no one else cared. They probably had noticed and simply written him off. (Y/N) pouted, contemplating leaving him there… she was supposed to be mad at him.

 “Ohhhhh… gah! ...Damn you, Kokichi!” How did he keep doing this? How was he worming his evil little ass into her heart again and again?! She began dragging him down the stairs and toward the dorms. The investigation would have to wait.

“(Y-Y/N)...?” Kokichi mumbled in his ditzy state. “Hoo hoo! I thought we weren’t talkin’?!” He nearly tumbled from her arms, weak and wobbly.

 “Oh, shut up, asshole!” (Y/N) growled, nearing the dormitory area and pulling him into her room.

 ♡

 “Man, that sucked!” Kokichi sat leaned against the glass of the sliding shower door in the small personal offshoot bathroom attached to her small dorm room. A cold washcloth sat covering his forehead, wetting the messy strands of his long bangs.

 “Tell me again why you didn’t just call for help once you realized how badly you were bleeding?” (Y/N) made small talk, wringing out the soiled rag she’d initially used to clean him off. He took a swig of some icy bottled water she’d provided and glowered, his bottom lip out in contemplation.

 “ ‘Cause I didn’t think anyone would come…” he spoke flatly, exhausted with the loss of blood and shittiness of it all. She froze, turning to him.

 “I’m sorry…” she sighed, replacing the washcloth on his head with some gauze that she started to gently wrap around the rather deep wound.

 “You should be! Hmpf!” He crossed his arms and she pulled on the gauze sharply, tightly constricting the oozing sore. “Shit!”

 “Don’t start, dickhead. You’re lucky I’m choosing to forgive you!” She chided. He shot her a dirty look, and for moments they sat in silence.

 “... For a moment I thought you hated me… like the rest of them,” he finally spoke up, any amount of silence torturous to his child-like psyche. She felt her heart sink.

 “... I could never.” She smiled softly, fighting off a nagging frown that threatened to present itself. Before he could make this even more awkward, she stood, taking control of the situation. “Okay, I’ll be right back, you stay right here. I don’t want you passing out again.” She took off, closing the bathroom door and sneaking away into the main room.

 Shuffling through her closet and by extension her Monokuma-provided wardrobe, she peeled off first her shirt then her uniform’s skirt, both now completely ruined by dark patches of Kokichi’s blood, her reward for carrying his sorry ass all the way here. Now in only her underwear, she reached for a replacement uniform and wandered over to her bedside table for her deodorant and some facial wipes. As she wiped the grime and sweat from the crevices of her oily face, the bathroom door slid open with an impatient force behind it.

 “I’m boooooooored-”

 “Ahh!” She screeched, rushing to cover herself up before she could even process what was happening, but the only things nearby were her comforter and intricate uniform.

 “Oh, God! Why are you naked?!” Kokichi hollered, his face turning beet red. (Y/N) pulled the comforter up and around her body, her uniform falling from the bed.

 “I told you to wait there!” Her cheeks felt engulfed in flames, the skin all over her body hot and her feathers effectively ruffled.

 “You didn’t say why! You didn’t say you were doing a strip show in here!” He retorted, covering his eyes with one arm, more for her to save face than out of his own desire.

 “Get out! Just get out!” She screamed, tears pricking her eyes.

 “But-!”

 “Now!!” Full of a genre of rage he almost never felt, he conceded, stomping out of her room without another word.

 (Y/N) fell to her bed, screaming into her pillow like nobody’s business. She felt ashamed, mortified, infuriated. Why, for once, couldn’t he just listen?! Her body was never something she was confident in or proud of, and now, to have him, the guy she had feelings for see her like that, and not only practically naked, but caught off guard… it was as more than she could handle.

 ♡

 The trial room was relatively quiet that afternoon. The usual suspects were chatting, defending themselves, accusing others. Shuichi was having a pretty smooth trial - a blessing in his eyes - with Kokichi not giving him an easier time than usual. When he did speak, it was his usual lies, with an underlying irritated tone, but he never spoke a word to (Y/N), and (Y/N) hardly spoke at all. After some time, someone addressed the elephant in the room… err, other than the murders, that is…

 “Soooo, uh…” Kaito, courageous as always, spoke out, “(Y/N), you awake over there? We could use some help to, you know, find the culprit so we don’t all bite it?” He was only somewhat gentle with his words, having already made up with her after the last trial’s argument, but anxious over the current situation. “Shuichi and I can’t handle this on our own! You usually have a lot to say!”

 “I resent that comment, Kaito, as I believe I help plenty, but yes,” Kiibo rolled his metallic eyes to the sky, ever focused on the current goal, “you do usually have more to say, (Y/N). We could really use another opinion here.”

 “Something wrong with (Y/N)?” Gonta, always concerned for his friends’ feelings inquired, brows furrowed in concern.

 “Hah!” Miu spat. “Of course something’s wrong! Haven't you noticed that little prick over there ain’t feedin’ us his bullshit nearly as much as neither?!” She pointed at Kokichi before placing a haughty hand on her hip. “He probably slipped her his little prick, and it was so tiny she was turned off for good! Probably can’t even speak, she’s so disappointed! Hella awkward!” She roared. Everyone exchanged the familiar looks of disgust or scorn that came after one of Miu’s outbursts, and as (Y/N) opened her mouth to defend them both, she was cut off.

 “More like the other way around!” Kokichi hurled Miu’s statements right back in her face, his knuckles crunching down on his podium with a vice-like grip. “After I saw her naked earlier, I was the one leaving with a softie!” He growled, his frustrations, self-loathing, and need to be in control and defend himself all culminating in these toxically destructive words.

 A few audible gasps were heard in the room, a few laughs from Monokuma and his remaining offspring, and the more mature students such as Maki and Shuichi simply sighing in exhaustion, wondering why they kept getting off track with useless information. (Y/N) felt her knees almost buckle.

 No. Not this time! She heard her mind shout at her heart, and she slammed her hands down on her podium, all embarrassment melting into pure rage.

“YOU- GOD!” An encore slam down onto the flat metal, “You FUCKING asshole! That’s not what happened you goddamn fucking LIAR, and you know it!” Her voice was hoarse with the force of it.

 “Uh oh! Struck a ner-” Miu began to speak.

 “You shut the fuck up!” (Y/N) pointed to the busty instigator before directing her venomous ire back at Kokichi, who refused to look her in the eyes. “I did everything to help you after your dumb ass fell through the fucking floor, and this is how I’m repaid?! I do everything with you and for you, and this is how you treat me?! Why do you always sit here and lie to these people about us?! Fucking shithead fucking-” she was struggling for words, holding back tears. “You tell them the truth, that I had your blood all over me from patching you up because no one else likes your sorry ass! Everyone else would’ve left you passed out on the floor or worse dead from blood loss or killed by the culprit who seems to be on a fucking spree!” She gestured wildly, talking with her hands. “You walked in on me changing my bloody clothes! It was your fault! Just like it’s your fault that you have one fr-” her voice broke, and she looked to her feet. “No friends. Fuck you… Shuichi just finish the fucking trial we all know who the culprit is.” She looked down the rest of the trial, saying nothing, hearing nothing, just a ringing in her ears.

 “This is reeeeeeal fuckin’ awkward and I hate it here,” Miu cooed, rubbing her hands together.

 ♡

 As soon as the trial was over, Kokichi, feeling the weight of his best friend’s words, searched high and low for her. The campus was huge with many places to hide, but he knew her well, and he knew her favorite spots. He checked the AV room, library, casino, her research lab, and her room first, then everywhere else, asking anyone he came across about her whereabouts.

“Dude you messed up, even by your standards,” Kaito demeaned with a righteous fist in the air.

“I think it’s completely reasonable that she would not want to speak with you,” Kiibo sighed.

“Kokichi, you probably really hurt her. Just let her be, that’s the right thing to do,” Shuichi offered guidance even to the worst of his peers any time he could.

“Why are you speaking to me?” Maki walked away.

♡

At long last, finding himself in the basement after wallowing around the school for a while, he opened the door to the AV room for some space and privacy, seeing as it was rarely used since Rantaro’s death. He gasped.

 “(Y/N)!” She turned from her position reading on the little couch, startled, and immediately turned back upon seeing the owner of the voice. He closed the door behind him, shuffling over with his tail between his legs. Quickly, before she could notice, he forced a rather convincing peppy voice. “The heck?! I already checked here!” She knew that. She’d been there earlier, and left when she heard he was making the rounds only to return later, but she didn’t say as much now. “Soooo? Whatcha readin’?” He grinned, plopping down on the floor beside her seated position on the couch. She didn’t respond, didn’t change her expression, and merely kept reading. “C’mon!!! Reading’s boring!!! Well,” he tapped his finger on his lip pensively “not always! But your taste in books is! Let’s at least go find some good shit to read together!” She had not the mental or physical energy, the want nor the need to banter with him. As far as she was concerned, this… whatever it was, was over. 

 Kokichi sighed, taking the hint to stop talking but not the hint to leave her the fuck alone. She would not physically kick him out, he knew this, and it seemed she wouldn’t do it verbally either. It was safer not to be alone, she rationalized in her mind… well, only if the group knew who was paired up and when, but he would never hurt her… physically. And she would never hurt him. And so, Kokichi resolved to sit there, just sit there and stare: at the ceiling, at her, at his thumbs. After the first thirty minutes he began to make pretend snow angels on the ground with his arms and legs flopping together and apart. He lapped around the room a few times, looked through the DVD options, sat with her on the couch, moved closer, then further, then closer, back and forth trying to get some reaction. Usually he could at least annoy someone into paying attention to him. Even negative attention was still attention. She was never like this with him. This was bad… he could feel his selfish little heart ache.

 An hour passed, and then another. She’d picked up a sketch pad she’d stored in the couch cushions, doodled, changed books, and now was reading again. He’d begun running his fingers up and down her thigh, making explosion and car noises when he hit her knee. And finally, he spoke.

 “You know, you’re super brave to be down here alone, you know... before I got here I mean… or at all really. Place is spooky… haunted since Rantaro got murked. No one comes down here but you. Surprised you’re down here… but I guess you always are.” He could feel the stone wall she’d put up between them. “You know, it kinda sucks, that we lost Rantaro…”

 “...and Ryoma, and Tenko, and Kirumi, Angie, Kiyo, Kaede…” she spoke up, irritated by his flippance. “Don’t forget them like they don’t matter.” He twiddled his thumbs in response.

 “At least you didn’t die…” he tapped on the back of the book you were reading, making the pages shake before her eyes.

 “Like you’d care if I did,” she replied without hesitation.

 “I woooooould,” he pulled at her sleeve like a toddler aching to be picked up.

 “I’m ugly. I’m fat and hideous and a turn off and just disgusting, right? So who cares if I die?” She spoke like she was reciting a grocery list: monotone, uninterested.

 “Well… I can still care about ugly people…” he batted his eyelashes innocently. The look she shot him told him she was not in the mode for jokes. “B-but, you’re not ugly! You’re way hotter than Maki or Miu or any other hag here! I just said all that stuff to catch Miu off guard! It was all a lie!” He was getting nervous now, sitting upright beside her on the couch.

 “That is not an apology,” she rebuked.

 “Aww come on, forgive me!” He collapsed, resting face down on her stomach and stretching his body out on the cushions behind him. “You’re my best friend…” His words were muffled, but she could make them out still. “You’re more than that…” her ears perked up, and she began to hear sniveling. Slowly, a wetness began to seep through her shirt onto her abdomen.

 Was he…?

 She placed a single hand on the back of his black locks and ran her fingers through the messy mop. The other placed the book on the floor then joined the other. For a few peaceful moments they sat silently while she stroked his scalp and played with the waves.

 “I’m sorry…” an apology came through his sniffles, but he would not lift his head up, never in a million years would someone see him cry genuine tears.

 “I can’t hear you,” she lied, something she learned from him. A devious smirk he could not see crossed her lips.

 “Yes you can!” Muffled frustration vibrated her tummy.

 “Well since I can’t hear you anyway this conversation is ov-”

 His head shot upward, a snarl crossing his red, moist, puffy face. He pulled his knees up, leaning forward with all his weight

And pressed his lips deeply into hers.

[grubbyduck]

No Man’s Land - an essay on feminism and forgiveness

I have always proudly named myself a feminist, since I was a little girl and heard my mum proudly announcing herself as a feminist to anyone who would listen.

But I believe the word 'feminist' takes on a false identity in our collective imagination - it is seen as hard, as baked, severe, steadfast, stubborn and rooted. From a male perspective, it possibly means abrasive, or too loud, or intimidatingly intolerant of men. From a female perspective, though, these traits become revered by young feminists; the power of knowing what you think and never rolling over! My experience of being a feminist throughout my life has been anything but - it has been a strange and nebulous aspect of my identity; it has sparked the familiar fires of bravery, ambition, rage, sadness and choking inarticulacy at times, sure, but at other times it has inspired apathy, reactionary attitudes, bravado and dismissivness. And at other, transitive times, it caused me to rethink my entire outlook on the world. And then again. And then again.

In primary school, I read and re-read Sandi Toksvig’s book GIRLS ARE BEST, which takes the reader through the forgotten women of history. I didn’t feel angry - I felt awed that there were female pirates, women on the front line in the world wars, women at the forefront of invention, science and literature. I still remember one line, where it is revealed that NASA’s excuse for only hiring six women astronauts compared to hundreds of men was that they didn’t stock suits small enough. 

When I was 13, I tried to start a girl's rugby team at my school. I got together 15 girls who also wanted to form a team. We asked the coaches if they would coach us - their responses varied from 'maybes' to straight up 'no's. The boys in our year laughed at us publicly. We would find an old ball, look up the rules online, and practise ourselves in free periods - but the boys would always come over, make fun of us and take over the game until we all felt too insecure to carry on. I shouted at a lot of boys during that time, and got a reputation among them as someone who was habitually angry and a bit of a buzzkill. Couldn't take a joke - that kind of thing.

When I was around 16, I got my first boyfriend. He was two years older (in his last year of sixth form) and seemed ever so clever to me. He laughed about angry feminists, and I laughed too. He knew I classified myself as a feminist, but, you know, a cool one - who doesn't get annoyed, and doesn't correct their boyfriends' bulging intellects. And in any case, whenever I did argue with him about anything political or philosophical, he would just chant books at me, list off articles he'd read, mention Kant and say 'they teach that wrong at GCSE level'. So I put more effort into researching my opinions (My opinions being things like - Trump is a terrible person who should not be elected as President - oh yeah, it was 2016), but every time I cited an article, he would tell me why that article was wrong or unreliable. I couldn't win. He was a Trump supporter (semi-ironically, but that made it even worse somehow) and he voted Leave in the Brexit referendum. He also wouldn't let me get an IUD even though I had terrible anxiety about getting pregnant, because of his parents' Catholicism. He sulked if he ever got aroused and then I didn’t feel like having sex, because apparently it ‘hurts’ men physically. One time I refused sex and he sulked the whole way through the night, refusing to sleep. I was incensed, and felt sure that my moral and political instincts were right, but I had been slowly worn down into doubting the validity of my own opinions, and into cushioning his ego at every turn - especially when he wasn't accepted into Oxford.

When I was 17/18, I broke up with him, and got on with my A Levels. One of them was English Literature. I remember having essay questions drilled into us, all of which were fairly standard and uninspired, but there was one that I habitually avoided:

'Discuss the presentation of women in this extract'

It irritated me beyond belief to hear the way that our class were parroting phrases like 'commodification and dehumanisation of women' in order to get a good grade. It felt so phony, so oversimplified, and frankly quite insulting. I couldn't bear reading classic books with the intent of finding every instance that the author compares a woman to an animal. It made me so sad! I couldn't understand how the others could happily write about such things and be pleased with their A*. As a keen contributor to lessons, my teacher would often call on me to comment in class - and to her surprise, I think, my responses about 'women's issues' were always sullen and could be characterised by a shrug. I wanted to talk about macro psychology, about Machievellian villains, about Shakespreare's subversion of comic convention in the English Renaissance. I absolutely did not want to talk about womb imagery, about men’s fixation and sexualisation of their mothers or about docile wives. In my application for Cambridge, I wrote about landscape and the psyche in pastoral literature, and got an offer to study English there. I applied to a mixed college - me and my friends agreed that we’d rather not go if we got put into an all female college. 

When I was 19, I got a job as an actor in a touring show in my year out before starting at Cambridge. I was the youngest by a few years. One company member - a tall, handsome and very talented man in his mid-twenties - had the exact same job title as me, only he was being paid £100 more than me PER WEEK. I was the only company member who didn’t have an agent, so I called the producers myself to complain. They told me they sympathised, that there just wasn’t enough money in the budget to pay me more - and in the end, I managed to negotiate myself an extra £75 per week by taking on the job of sewing up/fixing any broken costumes and puppets. So I had more work, and was still being paid 25% less. The man in question was a feminist, and complained to his agent (although he fell through on his promise to demand that he lose £50 a week and divide it evenly between us). He was a feminist - and yet he commented on how me and the other woman in the company dressed, and told us what to wear. He was a feminist, only he slept with both of us on tour, and lied to us both about it. He was a feminist, only he pitted me against and isolated me from the only other woman in the company, the only person who may have been a mentor or a confidante. He was a feminist, only he put me down daily about my skills as a performer and made me doubt my intelligence, my talent and my worth. 

When I was 20, I started at Cambridge University, studying English Literature. Over the summer, I read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘Why Does He Do That’ which is a study of abusers and ‘angry and controlling men’. It made me realise that I had not been given the tools to recognise coercive and controlling behaviour - I finally stopped blaming myself for attracting controlling men into my life. I also read ‘Equal’ by Carrie Gracie, about her fight to secure equal pay for equal work at the BBC in 2017-2019. It was reading that book that I fully appreciated that I had already experienced illegal pay discrimination in the workplace. Both made me cry in places, and it felt as though something had thawed in me. I realised that I was not the exception. That ‘women’s issues’ do apply to me. In my first term at Cambridge, I wrote some unorthodox essays. I wrote one on Virginia Woolf named ‘The Dogs Are Dancing’ which began with a page long ‘disclaimer for my womanly emotions’ that attempted to explain to my male supervisor how difficult it is for women to write dispassionately and objectively, as they start to see themselves as unfairly separate, excluded and outlined from the male literary consciousness. He didn’t really understand it, though he enjoyed the passion behind my prose. 

The ‘woman questions’ at undergraduate level suddenly didn’t seem as easy, as boring or as depressing as those I had encountered at A Level. I had to reconcile with the fact that I had only been exposed to a whitewashed version of feminism throughout my life. At University, I learned the word Intersectionality - and it made immediate and ferocious sense to me. I wrote an essay on Aphra Behn’s novella ‘Oroonoko’, which is about a Black prince and his pursuit of Imoinda, a Black princess. I had to get to grips with how a feminist author from the Renaissance period tackled issues of race. I had to examine how she dehumanised and sexualised Imionda in the same way that white women were used to being treated by men. I had to really question to what extent Aphra Behn was on Imionda’s side - examine the violent punishment of Oroonoko for mistreating her. I found myself really wanting to believe that Behn had done this purposefully as social commentary. I mentioned in my essay that I was aware of my own white female critical ingenuity. For the first time, I was writing about something I didn’t have any personal authority over in my life - I had to educate myself meticulously in order to speak boldly about race.

As I found myself surrounded by more women who were actively and unashamedly feminist, I realised just how many opinions exist within that bracket. I realised that I didn’t agree with a lot of other feminists about aspects of the movement. I started to only turn up to lectures by women. I started to only read literary criticism written by women - not even consciously; I just realised that I trusted their voices more intrinsically. I started to wish I had applied to an all female college. I realised that all female spaces weren’t uncool - that is an image that I had learned from men, and from trying to impress men. The idea that Black people, trans people, that non binary people could be excluded from feminism seemed completely absurd to me. I ended up in a mindset that was constructed to instinctively mistrust men. Not hate - just mistrust. I started to get fatigued by explaining basic feminist principles to sceptical men.

I watched the TV show Mrs America. It made my heart speed up with longing, with awe, with nerves, sorrow, anger - again, it showed me how diverse the word Feminism is. The longing I felt was for a time where feminist issues seemed by comparison clear-cut, and unifying. A time where it was good to be angry, where anger got stuff done. I am definitely angry. The problem is, the times that feminism has benefitted me and others the most in my life is when I use it forgivingly and patiently. When I sit in my anger, meditate on it, control it, and talk to those I don’t agree with on subjects relating to feminism with the active intent to understand their point of view. Listening to opinions that seemed so clearly wrong to me was the most difficult thing in the world - but it changed my life, and once again, it changed my definition of feminism. 

Feminism is listening to Black women berating white feminists, and rather than feeling defensive or exempt, asking questions about how I have contributed to a movement that excludes women of colour. Feminism is listening to my mother’s anxieties about trans women being included in all-female spaces, and asking her where those anxieties stem from. Feminism is understanding that listening to others who disagree with you doesn’t endanger your principles - you can walk away from that conversation and know what you know. Feminism is checking yourself when you undermine or universalise male emotion surrounding the subject. Feminism is allowing your mind to change, to evolve, to include those that you once didn’t consider - it is celebrating quotas, remembering important women, giving thanks for the fact that feminism is so complex, so diverse, so fraught and fought over. 

Feminism is common ground. It is no man’s land. It is the space between a Christian housewife and a liberated single trans woman. It is understanding women of other races, other cultures, other religions. It is disabled women, it is autistic women, it is trans men who have biologically female medical needs that are being ignored. It is forgiveness for our selfishness. It feels impossible.

The road to feminism is the road to enlightenment. It is the road to Intersectional equity. It is hard. It is a journey. No one does it perfectly. It is like the female orgasm - culturally ignored, not seen as necessary, a mystery even to a lot of women, many-layered, multitudinous, taboo, comes in waves. It is pleasure, and it is disappointment. 

All I know is that the hard-faced, warrior version of feminism that was my understanding only a few years ago reduced my allies and comrades in arms to a small group of people who were almost exaclty like me and so agreed with me on almost everything. Flexible, forgiving and inquisitive feminism has resulted in me loving all women, and fighting for all women consciously. And by fighting for all women, I also must fight for Black civil rights, for disabled rights, for Trans rights, for immigrant rights, for homeless rights, for gay rights, and for all human rights because women intersect every one of these minorities. My scoffing, know-it-all self doing my A Levels could never have felt this kind of love. My ironic jokes about feminists with my first boyfriend could never have made any woman feel loved. My frustration that my SPECIFIC experience of misogyny as a white, middle-class bisexual woman didn’t feel related to the other million female experiences could never have facilitated unity, common ground, or learning to understand women that existed completely out of my experience as a woman.

My feminism has lead me to becoming friends with some of those boys who mocked me for wanting to play rugby, and with the woman that was vying with me over that man in the acting company for 8 months. It is slowly melting my resentment towards all men - it is even allowing me to feel sorry for the men who have mistreated me in the past. 

I guess I want to express in this mammoth essay post that so far my feminist journey has lead me to the realisation that if your feminism isn’t growing you, you aren’t doing it right. Perhaps it will morph again in the future. But for now, Feminism is a love of humanity, rather than a hatred of it. That is all. 

[prorevenge]

B!7ch of a friend insults me over dead uncle, gets exposed for all the shit she did

So, long-ish one here, and it’s been some time so I don’t exactly remember the dialogue.

So, as a backstory this happened when I was in the equivalent of Junior year of high school. I became friends with a girl one year older than me and soon we grew to be like sisters, doing shit together all the time and being generally like sisters. Might I also mention that at that time both of us were into shit like Reiki and weird sorts of spirituality and the occult and shit like that, and me being the edgy teen I was at that point was incredibly happy to have someone share my interests.

When my junior year started she was a senior and met a guy at college admissions prep who she apparently immediately fell for. Of course she introduced him to me and him and I took to each other almost too well.

Bf is the boyfriend, D is my friend.

Bf and I started to get along marvelously and being the stupid kid I was of course I fall for him hard, but I hid it and decided that I would be the better person and eat my feelings since he was her boyfriend. So I kept it friendly and basically developed an iron control on my emotions (which to this day is both a good and a bad thing for my mental health).

Over the next 6 months D had become obsessed with him, increasingly jealous and manipulative with both of us and was basically making both our lives hell. She was calling me for hours sometimes just complaining about how Bf has the emotional range of a teaspoon, other times raging and crying, and at that point I was stuck mediating between D and Bf on a daily basis, almost to the exclusion of everything else. I recognize now, years later, that she was incredibly emotionally abusive to both of us. While being a generally abusive twat and psycho bitch she was also very very horny and flirty and about a couple of days before shit hit the fan she made out with a classmate of mine in front of me while asking me not to tell her boyfriend.

One day soon after BF calls me pissed off beyond belief because he and D got into one of their arguments which after half a year of relationship became explosive in nature. He wanted to leave her since he was tired of her bullshit and she threatened to kill herself. I don’t remember exactly what had triggered the argument but what I do remember was that I was feeling so damn guilty about not telling Bf what I had seen. He was one of my best friends after all, and I was put in the situation of either covering up her cheating or risking a big meltdown. I chose to tell Bf that I think she’s just crying for attention since she made out with So-and-So the other week and he went mad. Like seeing red kind of mad. He thanked me for telling him what happened and said he’d go to her house and break up with her and that he’ll keep me posted.

An hour later I get a string of angry texts from her that I betrayed her and that I should stay away from them and all sorts of belittling things. Bf also blocked me on her request and told me to stay away and so I ended up the “villain” and feeling like I wanted the earth to swallow me whole.

After a few days of being miserably depressed, a few girls from my class approached me at a party I couldn’t dodge out of and asked me what’s wrong. After telling them what D had done they were the ones who convinced me I did the right thing and that I wasn’t the villainous bitch she made me look like. You can imagine how fucking pissed I was after giving my all to her and getting jack shit in return so I started plotting revenge. The first step was contacting her ex who I knew she hated, going out with him but bailing like a chicken because I was still feeling guilty. That didn’t work, I was a weakling and made up with her and suffered a few more months until summer came and the three of us went on a seaside vacation where shit REALLY hit the fan. I booked a couple days extra after they were supposed to leave and on their last evening, while at a restaurant, I got a call from my parents telling me to not come home early because my favorite uncle had died and they were going to his funeral. I was distraught and went to my hotel room while D said they’ll just drop by their room and come stay with me since I wasn’t feeling like being alone. Guess what: she got horny and had sex for 2 hours while I sat alone crying my eyes out. When they came D wanted to do some drugs, got incredibly high and started arguing with me and Bf about some stupid spiritual shit she saw while on her trip. Bf was already pissed with her since on our second night she got shitfaced drunk and flirted with everyone in the club, so him and I decided we wanted to go to the beach and see the sunrise. She came too, arguing with Bf and me the whole time until these stupid ass words left her mouth:

D:”Bf, I cannot believe you are arguing with me and you(me) - stop whining, it’s just some dead guy, get over it already!”

What. The. FUCK. Did. You. SAY?!

I stormed off in a rage, with Bf running after me afraid I’d do something stupid in my altered mental state and she kept sneering and complaining. I can honestly say I blacked out out of rage at some point because I can’t remember what she said that made me punch her square in the damn face.

I got home the next week and started looking for a way out of this sham of a friendship. D didn’t even apologize for the shit she said and I had had enough, so when a mutual friend reported that she was making out with some guy at a party I immediately reported it to Bf and the same thing as before happened with both of them blocking me.

Fuck you and good riddance, I thought, but boy oh boy karma served me a true opportunity to wreak havoc not long after.

Fast forward 6 months I was in my senior year, kept my side of mine and D’s mutual friends and was dealing with what I know now is my still severe depression when guess who calls? You guessed it, Miss D sobbing on the phone because Bf “wrongly” accused her of cheating with a friend of his. Oh but of course I’ll help, I say, not mentioning that I’ll help get her exposed if anything.

I wheeled and dealt, called favors, pretended to be friends to people and generally was a manipulative ass bitch until I got the information of what exactly she did and wasn’t telling me: that she actually cheated with SEVEN fucking blokes. Seven. Not one, not two, seven. I was flabbergasted to say the least.

Through a bit of clever usage of computers I even got convo transcripts and made sure Bf found out everything - ie I told him every single dirty thing she did with a grin of satisfaction on my face and then as the “nice” girl I was held him back so he wouldn’t kill her. I do believe my thoughts were on the line of “nobody kills her before I can make her suffer.” Just peachy, I know. I somehow convinced him not to kick her ass into kingdom come and instead arranged a meeting in the KFC next to our school where Bf wanted to “make up with her”. I told D that I had convinced him of her innocence and he agreed to get back together and she was “soo relieved I worked my magic again”. Little did she know I didn’t have to drop by the post office when I told her I’ll go ahead, run an errand, and meet her there, but that I went ahead, got all of our friends there to witness and plastered a whole section of KFC with screenshots of her lewd conversations with various blokes. Bf was also there, almost murderous, waiting for her to arrive.

After a bit of a wait I had the honor of witnessing the most glorious sight ever: D walked in, all happy and hopeful in her tiny cheater soul, and her face instantly dropped when she saw me, her now ex boyfriend and everyone in her group of friends from high school waiting for her surrounded by proof of her shenanigans. That was not the only thing that dropped though, since as I was reveling in the look of utter betrayal on her face she proceeded to pass the fuck out.

I didn’t even care what happened after; it was enough that she saw me there, looked at the predatory grin on my face and knew I was behind it all and had robbed her of the one thing she cherished most: her Bf. It was worth the almost full year of abuse and the couple of months of manipulation and lies to see her fall.

Years after she even apologized sincerely when she realized what drove me to this revenge plot and now we’re civil, but now she knows she should NEVER. Ever. Cross me.

(source) story by (/u/AliTheMadWarlock)

[wingshead]

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT MEME.

FULL NAME:  Steven Grant Rogers GENDER & SEXUALITY: male / bisexual ETHNICITY & SPECIES: Irish-American / Human BIRTHPLACE & BIRTHDATE: Upper East Side, NY / July 4th, 1920.

GUILTY PLEASURES: sweets (cupcakes, cakes, chocolate, ice-cream … it’s steve’s secret weakness bc he tries so hard to eat healthy, sweet babe), sleeping in, show boating (he’s such a fucking show off guys, it’s not even funny), acting Innocent and Unassuming to get out of trouble and frustrate people when he acts like he doesn’t know what they’re talking about lmao.

PHOBIAS: waking up to find himself in a different time era again, losing his loved ones in battle, being unable to help someone in need, becoming what he hates / adhering to modern a/immorality, failure

WHAT THEY WOULD BE INFAMOUS FOR: his Guilt Trips, accompanied by his Disapproving Frown. that, and his sometimes infuriating stubborn nature lol

WHAT HAVE THEY/WOULD THEY HAVE GOTTEN ARRESTED FOR: breaking the law & refusing to cooperate with or work for the government, ironically enough haha

CHARACTER YOU SHIP THEM WITH: steve/sharon (the otp), tony/steve ( the other otp ♡ ), steve/wanda ( !!!!!! ), thor/steve, steve/rachel, steve/sam, steve/rebecca (it was short lived but i loved them so so much)

CHARACTER MOST LIKELY TO MURDER THEM: red skull / baron zemo / zola / the baddie of the week. that and tony for steve being so frustratingly stubborn. also sharon. because she’s gotta deal with his bs on a daily basis lmao

FAVORITE BOOK GENRE: historical / philosophical / sci - fi

LEAST FAVORITE BOOK CLICHÉ: sensationalism / shock factors

TALENTS OR POWERS: peak human strength, agility, stamina and reflexes. eidetic memory. world leading strategist. olympic level athlete. master in dozens of fight styles in martial and mixed martial arts, accelerated healing factor, indomitable will, multilingual, doesn’t age.

WHY SOMEONE MIGHT LOVE THEM: he’s considerate. he’s kind. he’s empathetic, and understanding. despite his large and intimidating stature, and his ‘take no bullshit’ attitude, steve’s just a giant teddy bear, haha. he will do his utmost to make sure people are safe and comfortable, and will help those in need - whether they’re being attacked, or they’re in emotional pain. he’s just basically The Ultimate Mom Friend

WHY SOMEONE MIGHT HATE THEM: he’s stubborn. he refuses to compromise, and therefore refuses to go along or even listen to plans that compromise. so, steve sometimes doesn’t listen to people, even when their plan is better. because of steve’s iron will and steadfast ideals and morals, people see him as holier-than-thou. also, villains hate him ‘cause he kicks their asses, lmao.

HOW THEY CHANGE: he doesn’t. steve over the past 75 years has remained largely unchanged as a whole. he still follows the same set of ideals and morals that he did in the 1940s, and is still the same person. still thinks the same. HOWEVER, this does change from time to time when he’s been betrayed, or when his loved ones are threatened. steve gets really ugly then. he does not rule out doing some bad stuff. he has threatened to kill, has aimed to kill, has let people been tortured. he hates doing it but. he does it. shit’s bad ya’ll. apart from anything to do with his loved ones though, steve changes in his response to the world. he always aims to go bigger, to tackle the next issue. he, eventually, manages to accept guilt and blame when he’s guilty and to be blamed – like how he hasn’t helped the x-men enough.

WHY YOU LOVE THEM: okay … li s t en. i’m going to try not to get too into this and write like, a whole fucking novel on him ok. lmao. but … i’ve been a fan of steve rogers since i was a kid. my father introduced me to marvel comics. i loved him. fell out of comics for a bit in like 2009, picked them back up like two years ago after ca:tws came out. fell in love with steve rogers again and to a whole new level because i could actually understand better what he stood for. fell out of love with comics in 2016 because of the bullshit nick spencer pulled with h*dra cap. got back into it now that it’s been over for a while and the first issue of the waid/samnee run pulled at my heart strings. steve rogers is … he’s an ideal. a lot of people look up to him. i look up to him. he’s a pretty popular superhero, despite many people not seeing him as a superhero since he has no superpowers. he’s not an anti-hero, or a sometimes hero, or a hero on the weekends, he’s a hero. his ideals, his morals, his belief system, they are so simple but pointed true north. protect those who cannot protect themselves, fight for what’s right even if others push you down or refuse to listen, and help one another. steve rogers doesn’t fight for the government, or for the country. he fights for the people. first and foremost. and despite all the shit that the world has thrown at him, despite all of the loss and the death and the grief and the hits he’s taken, the insults, the betrayals, the shocks, the trauma — steve rogers has remained steve rogers this entire time. the world can fuck him up, it can beat him down, it can shove him into the dirt and spit on him, and steve doesn’t let it change who he is. steve doesn’t let corruption touch him, doesn’t let his ideals waver, doesn’t let it stop him from fighting for what’s good and what’s right and fighting for the people who need it. steve could have easily, so easily, been a completely different person. near any other man would have broken and shattered under the weight of everything he’s been through and all of the responsibility that he carries on his shoulders every single day of his life. he could have been the most bitter, jaded, despicable fuck you have ever seen in your entire life.

but he isn’t. he’s kind. he’s compassionate. he sees the flaws in society and the corruption in the government and isn’t afraid to call people out on it. he isn’t afraid to disagree or go against his government if they do something that he can’t morally stand by. steve has trained every single avenger in hand-to-hand combat himself. he considers them family. he gives them the support they need - emotional, physical, mental. a lot of avengers, new and old, are/were reformed criminals, because cap gave them a second chance and vouched for them. he believes people can change. he has a huge heart. that’s been there since before the super soldier serum. steve is just such a good man, who looks for nothing else than the chance to help people, and constantly puts them before himself. he has given up and sacrificed so much of his life and of his own personal dreams in order to keep being what the public and the world needs him to be. he helps people. first and foremost.

and he doesn’t ask for anything in return other than for others to do the same.

TAGGED BY:  no one !

TAGGING: @ukubi / @roikhoi / @armorforged / @decommed / @theimperiusrex / @bestdefender / @gamenu / & anyone who wants to do this!!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #63

“now it’s you-know-who, i got the you-know-what, stick it you-know-where, you know why, you don’t care.”

tell me about the last thing that made you laugh until it hurt. chelsea showed me a stupid video that had me crying on new year's. i normally wouldn't have laughed so hard, but i was almost drunk. is there a trampoline in your backyard? no. we got rid of ours years ago. what about kids on leashes? what do you think about that? i don't feel much about it, because i've never raised a child. it's funny to see, no doubt, but idk if it's right or wrong. kids can be dangerously ignorant. for whatever reason, your significant other can NEVER have sex again. do you stay with them? duh. i can live without it. how would you react to losing a close friend? same shit, different day. have you ever drunk/eaten a substance in the science lab? no, because i didn't want to die back when i was in school. have you ever led the prayer at dinnertime? if not, do you want to? i have. do you like those sudoku puzzles? 
 i sure do. have you ever taken a course in chemistry? 
 no, i took physical science, which had chemistry mixed into it. do you like to draw?  not nearly as much as i used to... so, tell me about your day. was it good? 
 same old day. woke up, ate breakfast and such, watched my daily gmm. started taking surveys while i listened to music and let's plays in the background. seriously, it's the same every other day. do you have your own web site? 
 well i mean i created the rp forum my friends and i moved to, but it's not "mine." do you frequently add people to your friend’s list that you don’t know? no, never. how do you feel about girls that post half naked pictures on facebook? cover it up, hunny. not everyone needs to know you like that. sorry to be all "conservative," but i hate that shit. what’s your favorite ice cream flavor? vanilla, but with chocolate icing. have you ever considered changing your sexuality? no, i have not. i don't believe you can just "change" your sexuality like that. ever thought about changing your gender? here come the liberals. i don't believe it's possible to change your gender. what is the worst physical pain you have ever felt? getting my former cyst emptied at the er. fuck that. who is the most inappropriate person you know? mmmm... chelsea, probably. has someone ever told you they loved you and you didn’t say it back? yeah. are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? no. like look... i am happy i have a house. i have both parents. we have food. but what i have, both good and bad, is not enough for me to see a happy life possible. how long has it been since you kissed someone? over a year ago. your best friend has sex with your ex. what happens? i'm killing her. your ex wants you back, but you are in a relationship. what do you do? ... fucking kill me. i'd leave my current boyfriend to be with him. what did you do last night? wallowed in self-pity, convinced myself to not kill myself. if someone was to ask you if you were okay right now, are you? no. mom's taking my letter to jason to the mail tomorrow. i feel it in my gut that it's not going to change his feelings for me. do you think you would lose some friends if you gained 100 pounds? honestly, no. i feel that the friends i have now are more serious than that. when was the last time someone gave you a massage? i'm sure it hasn't been since jason and i dated and he'd give me one. when was the last time you were in an amazingly awesome mood? HA. is there something you need to get off your chest at the moment? there's a novel's worth. has the last person you kissed met your father? he has. i don't know how he feels about my dad since the divorce, though. he'd always have to hear me rant and cry about him. have you ever woke up crying from a bad dream? i have. have you ever had to block anyone online? plenty of times. have you ever made a boy cry? i sadly have. do you find guys with facial piercings attractive? generally. who was the last person to insult you to your face? colleen, kinda. what scares you more: snakes or spiders? spiders, i'm not scared of snakes. do you wear thongs? i never have. have you ever done yoga? i used to be amazing at it. many summers ago, i used wiifit to lose about 40 pounds. i mainly did yoga. i was super flexible. would you consider yourself a flirt? not in the slightest. do you have any friends who have an STD? i have a family member who does. are you thinner than your best friend? i am not. have you ever been prescribed narcotics? yeah, xanax and another for anxiety that i forgot... how many rings do you wear daily? just one. i want to repair the one jason gave me so i can wear that one again, too... i think i'll do that tonight or tomorrow. do you get car sick or motion sick easily? does it ever stop you doing things? i don't. did you ever dream of living in a house with a white picket fence? not really, no. after you go swimming, do you sit around in your wet bathing suit with a towel or do you immediately change? i usually sit around for a while. what was the last activity you did that made you sweat? i'm pretty sure i sweat very slightly just when i got the craft box out of the closet. because of my medication, literally everything makes me sweat... it's so embarrassing. when was the last time you used lotion? last time i shaved my legs. currently listening to? "tourniquet" by marilyn manson. just another song that makes me think of how i feel about jason in some ways. give us a lyric from this song. "take your hatred out on me, make your victim my head." besides your mouth, where is your favorite spot to get kissed? breasts or neck. ever jacked a dude off? were you even romantically involved with him? hey, when you "can't" have sex, you find the loopholes, sister. and yes, we were dating at the time. would you rather eat your pizza cold or hot? i'd rather it be hot, but cold's fine. have you ever had fake nails? i have not. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? no. it feels demeaning, honestly. does the person you like, like you back? no, he does not. do you believe ex’s can be friends? if you were deeply romantically involved? fuck no. do you like to text or call more? texting. calling is awkward imo and it's hard to understand the person, at least to me. when was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical or emotional limits? what were you doing and how did it turn out?   emotionally, right fucking now.  colleen's decided to lecture me again, and i am a hair's width from just... i don't know.  basically, it's taking stupendous amounts of emotional willpower to not go kill myself right now.  i have HAD IT with her.  i won't bore my survey tumblr readers with the full story.  physically, probably the last time i went to the gym, i assume. what's your favorite saying or quote? why does it mean something special to you? how did you come across it?   i answered this in a recent-ish survey.  my favorite (series of) quote(s) takes place in the recent movie "Suicide Squad."  a police asks harley quinn, "harleen, what did he tell you?"  harley's cackling/crying and responds, "he said he loved me." i love the quote so much because i feel it.  bit of villain backstory, harley quinn was driven mad by her boyfriend/former patient, and i'd consider myself to have been through the same (via his absence, anyway, but you get it).  i started as jason's mentor, and i guarantee he'd tell you the same.  then, without him intending it, i've become his fucking slave, shadow, and #1 fan all at once.  i'd do it all for him.  all because he said he was in love with me.  powerful fucking words.  don't abuse them, people. do you enjoy getting dressed up for a night out? what are your favorite places for a "night on the town"?   i like getting dressed up for something that's bigger than usual, but i don't really have "nights out on the town."  i don't do anything even remotely extravagant. what is your favorite classic disney film and why?   does "the lion king" count?  if so, that one.  i can't exactly say why it's my favorite besides simba coming back from a tragedy as the king of the world pretty much, but i love that movie dearly. are you a good liar? under what circumstances do you choose to lie (just little white lies, or bigger ones)? have you ever regretted your choice to be less than truthful?   honestly, when i do lie, i'm rarely caught.  and i'll lie mainly to avoid hurting people, but i confess to sometimes doing it to just avoid confrontation. can you remember the first swear word you ever learned?   no, but i remember the first one i said aloud: shit.  i had no idea it was a bad word.  got a massive lecture in the car. how old were you when you first started to wear make-up? do you prefer others with or without make-up?   late middle school, i think.  and i personally find make-uped faces more aesthetically pleasing, it's why there's such a problem in this world with women feeling ugly without it, but you're still absolutely beautiful without it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. how long do you need to get to know someone, before you’d think about having a relationship with them?   i don't measure that by time, i measure that by how well i'm getting to know them. is global warming actually happening?   duh. does gpa determine a person's intelligence?   no, fuck this question. do you refuse to talk about your sexuality?   no.  it's not a big deal to anyone. do you have a debit card?   i do not. would you have an abortion if you would otherwise die in childbirth?   no, because i'm not fucking selfish. do you think sleeping is a waste of time? yet you LOVE your dreams, even when they're kinda bad?   i mean, it technically is a waste of time, but we need it regardless. what would you do if your boyfriend got snake bite piercings?   that's totally up to him, i'd love him regardless.  now whether or not i'd find it physically appealing just depends on the person. do you think it's at all possible you may change your religion in your life?  i'm not going to bullshit.  maybe.  DO I THINK I WILL, NO, but do i rule out the possibility, no.  after how pissed i've been at god lately, i wouldn't be entirely surprised if, in the worst case scenario, i became satanic.  god please don't let me. if you were told that you were going to spend the rest of your life with the last person you kissed, would that make you happy?   i would... oh my god.  i would physically break down from joy.  i would sob.  i would bow and praise god beyond all explanation.  i would fucking lose it. who was your first boy/girlfriend and do you still talk to them?   if you want to count him as "the first person who had the 'boyfriend' title," aaron.  and no, we don't.  we're friends on facebook though. have you ever watched the big bang theory, or how about glee?   i've watched and love tbbt, but i've never watched glee. are you considered a “clingy girlfriend?”   i probably would be. do you have a large dog?   she's pretty big, yeah.  we have a boxer. would you ever date someone who watched cartoons?   ... the fuck is this question??  no shit i would!! what was your last dream about?   all i remember is it was the apocalypse and i was back with jason.  he was there with me.  we somehow survived, and demons took over the world after the humans were eliminated.  everyone was trying to be heroes and such by killing them. have you ever seen a crocodile in real life?   i know i've seen alligators, don't know about crocs. if you were drunk and couldn’t walk, would the person you have feelings for, take care of you?   i kinda feel like he would if he was already there, anyway.  he wouldn't like drive somewhere to come watch me, but if he was already there, i'd at least hope he'd be kinda protective... has anyone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?   not only that i didn't want to hear, but didn't need to hear, too.  tell me again my mental illness is invalid, swear to fuck. why were you last scared?   i'm scared of myself now. do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?   something potentially might, but i doubt it.  i'd never share the information though regardless. were you a hyper or mellow kid?   i was quite hyper.  i miss that. what’s your favorite movie?   burton's "alice in wonderland" do you hate it when everyone you know is sleeping in, so you are bored?   ha ha, sometimes. how much of your time to do you spend being bored? what could cure that boredom?   honestly... almost 24/7.  i've talked about this before: jason left and took my hobbies with him.  because they feel "bad."  i take no pleasure in what i used to enjoy, like games, drawing, reading...  i honestly think the only thing that'll heal that is spending time with jason himself. what are your least favorite kind of people?   people that think mental illness isn't fucking valid is what i feel most hatred towards at the moment. describe an orgasm. (just do it, nobody will judge you here.)   hahahaha omg the person before me answered "god will judge me," i love that.  anyway, i wouldn't know. are you a picky eater?   beyond so. are you hopelessly addicted to the computer?   i mean i guess you could say that, as i'm always on... would you ever take nakey pictures of yourself?   maybe for my husband??? what cause (feminism, gay rights, abortion, etc) are you most passionate about?   abortion does your best friend have any piercings?   ears, and... i think nose.  omg i feel horrible, i'm not sure. what's better: an apology to your face or a nice apology letter?   an apology to your face. has anyone ever kissed you when you REALLY weren't expecting it? was it a good random kiss, or a bad random kiss?   i don't think so, but it's possible... what is the last thing you got a blister from?   i got one from my flip-flop rubbing against the side of my toe. do you remember the song that used to be really popular, 'she will be loved'?   I DON'T MIIIND SPENDIN' EV-ER-EE-DAAAAAY, OUT ON YOUR CORNER IN THE POURIN' RAAAAIIIIN do you have any friends who have never seen you makeup-free?   i don't. what is the worst thing that could happen to you?   the worst thing that could happen to me already happened. do you think age matters in friendship?   in friendships, absolutely not. are you more likely to eat when you’re bored or depressed?   i wouldn't be overweight otherwise. describe the nearest photograph to you?   it's jason and i at our first prom.  we're peeking at each other from around the tree. do you know anyone who has overdosed?   i know of people, but i know none directly.  well wait... my half-sister overdosed, but didn't die as she called the cops in time. the person you have feelings for says he/she wants to have sex, you say?   ... i would. kfc or popeye’s?   i don't like fried chicken. what was the name of the last pet of yours that died?   link, my former rat. have you ever had to evacuate from a natural disaster?   thank god, no. do you have any family members who are cancer survivors?   quite a few, actually.  my mom survived kidney cancer, my grandma lived through thyroid cancer i believe it was, and i think an aunt of mine had breast cancer. when was the last time you went way out of your comfort zone? what happened as a result?   uhhh i guess when i told my former boss i had to quit, and what happened is obvious. is working with animals something you enjoy? how about working with people? what would be your ideal work environment?  well, it's become clear i can't work with people.  i've had two jobs in retail, and each time, i vomited from the anxiety and when i wasn't vomiting, i was living in constant panic mode.  i haven't had a job with animals yet, but that's what i'm looking for.  the ideal job would just be where i work on my own... do you have any favorite stuffed toys?   oh yeah.  i have a stuffed meerkat named rebel from jason, and my stuffed moose named brownie is very dear to me too. would you ever get any private parts pierced?    heeeell no. do you agree with medication to treat mental illnesses or do you believe that they are a ‘stage’ that a person will grow out of?   mental.  illnesses.  need.  to be.  MEDICATED.  just like a person with asthma needs an inhaler, a mentally ill person needs medication, too!! do you ever get really paranoid about how loud you’re breathing?   i do occasionally, yes. have you ever met a person who was convinced they had supernatural powers?   i "met" a woman who thought she was jesus christ, the mother mary, and god all in one person while in the mental hospital...  she scared THE FUCK out of me. what're you thinking of RIGHT THIS MINUTE?   i actually just started thinking of jason's sick grandma outta nowhere a few seconds ago... and now i feel sad.  she was definitely dying while we were dating, so i guess she's gone now... she was a sweet lady, despite not saying much.  she seemed to like me enough. what is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?   okay, i know casual sex is gaining popularity, but me?  dude, FUCK that.  sex is supposed to be a very emotional and connecting experience.  it's not "just for fun" and shouldn't occur everytime you feel horny with someone or whatever. what are you doing right now?   doing this survey, possibly talking to jax if she's still online, and listening to "slo-mo-tion" by marilyn manson. what books, if any, have made you cry?   that i can remember, "the notebook," "a walk to remember," "old yeller," and i think i teared up in "the giver."  there was also this one book about an elderly couple we read in high school, but i cannot remember the name...  i remember tearing up. are you picky about spelling and grammar?   very much so. song you REALLY wanna fuck to?   okay, if it's with jason, i do plan on deliberately trying to woo him into having sex to "heart-shaped glasses" by marilyn manson because uh... this is terrible... but it reminds me of his ex because she always wore heart-shaped glasses and i fucking hate her for MANY reasons and idk it'd just kinda feel like a huge "fuck you" to her lmao.  yes i am a child somewhere in my heart.  just to add to it, when i get sunglasses, yeah... i found heart-shaped glasses on rebel's market and i want them. if you could have sex with anyone, who would it be?   it'd still be jason.  sorry, link neal. do your hands shake a lot?   well, i have an essential tremor that's only gotten worse over the years, so. the mere thought of anyone ever made you... you know... "moist"... downstairs?   omfg do you really have to say that word this question bothers me lmao.  but yeah. i like dirty questions, let's continue! do you masturbate? if not, why? also if not... what's the most tempted you've ever felt? you know you have at least once!   i do not masturbate because i personally find it disgustingly lustful and gross, no matter how clean you may be.  i've been tempted before once, sure.  i had a really hard time one night kinda recently when i was thinking rather sexually of jason, but i did nothing about it. do you get crazy sex hair?   i wouldn't know, but i've had some pretty wild hair from doing sexual things.  my hair was super long when we were together. is everything going to be okay?   i am the wroooong person to ask. have you ever had a pet rat?   four so far, yeah. do you like free samples?   who doesn't?! have you ever made yourself look like a fool for love?   i'm pretty sure i always do nowadays.  to be so obsessed with your ex-boyfriend... it's silly. who was the last person you slow danced with?   jason...  long time ago... has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you?   i'm pretty sure no. at concerts, are you one of those people that push and shove their way to the front, or are you one of the those people that gets there hours before in order to ensure that you get a front-row position; or do you just suck it up and stand wherever you can?   i've only been to one, at which i sucked it up and stood wherever i could. did you ever like jewel?   like one song anyway, but she has an absolutely heavenly voice. when watching scary movies/hearing scary stories/etc, what subject scares you the most?   when women are raped by demons.  just.  let's not. do you think marilyn manson looks good?   ha ha how funny, i'm actually listening to him right now!!  but anyway, VERY rarely, honestly.  in some pictures/videos he looks pretty appealing.